Holidays with Divorced Parents: Part 3

6 minute read.

Navigating the holidays as a child of divorce can be incredibly challenging. From juggling split holiday schedules to coping with feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and family conflict, this season often amplifies emotional stress for teens and young adults from broken families. Whether it's managing time between parents, dealing with the dynamics of stepfamilies, or battling holiday depression, we’re here for you. To help, our holiday articles offer practical tips for not only surviving the holidays, but making them less stressful and more enjoyable.

Tip 4: Communicate the Plan

By far, this is the most difficult tip. A fair amount of you will not complete it. Why? It’s scary and uncomfortable. I get it, I’ve been there. Perhaps you’ve never stood up for yourself like this or you’re unsure how your parents will respond. Just remember that inaction has a cost too. If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. You deserve better.

When communicating, it’s best to do it well ahead of time. Already cutting it close? Don’t worry. Better late than never.

In crafting how you want to communicate, follow the advice of speaker and author Donald Miller. First, figure out what you want to say, such as the main points and order. Then, figure out how you want to say it, such as the words you’ll use and the form of communication.

In figuring out “what” to say, a few tips:

• Lead with your intentions, such as affirming that you want to see your parents and spend time with them.

• Make sure they know they’re part of the plan.

• You have every right to express your feelings to your parents. Be honest and tell them your needs.

• Brutal honesty and vulnerability might not give them warm, fuzzy feelings, but hopefully, they’ll respect you for your honesty. And if they don’t, at least you know that you spoke your truth.

• Naturally, this assumes you’re in a spot where you have at least a decent relationship with your parents and you can talk to them. Sometimes, that isn’t the case.

In solving “how” to say it, some things to consider:

• In-person is best, video or phone is next, then voice memo, and finally, email or text is last. At other times, a letter is most effective.

• Start with “I’m reaching out to set expectations and make sure we spend time together.”

• Be real by saying things like “I love you, but it can be really hard around the holidays to please you both and not offend you. I need you to understand my decisions, my boundaries, and that the tension in our family makes it difficult to enjoy the holidays.”

If you can’t see both parents, give the reason why, at least in a diplomatic way focusing more on yourself than them, such as “I can’t afford it,” “It’s too exhausting for me right now,” “It’s too much on me (or my family),” or “I need a break this year.”

What if your parent gets upset? Stay calm. Try to display empathy by placing yourself in their shoes, yet keep your boundaries. Keep in mind that your parents are learning to navigate the holidays too, so give them some grace. Then, speak the truth by saying what you’re thinking and feeling.

As part of that conversation, ask good questions. When people make unreasonable requests, FBI Negotiator Chris Voss suggests asking the question, “How am I supposed to do that?” The intent behind the question is to find an answer. But often, the request made is so difficult or impossible that the person who made it feels stumped by the question. You can also ask questions aimed at understanding and empathy, such as “In your mind, what did you expect this year?” or “If you were in my shoes, what would you do if your mom and dad were asking what you are right now?”

Whatever happens, don’t allow someone else to take control of your plan and adapt it at your expense. For example, if you get a request from your dad to attend a party or see him during the time you’re spending with your mom, you can simply point to the plan and remind him of it. Learn from it all too. Don’t feel the need to have the perfect plan or perfectly execute the plan. Instead, look at it as a sort of experiment to find the right balance between your parents. You can then make changes next year based on what you learn. See it also as an opportunity to become a better, stronger person. Think about the lessons you can use in the future, especially to build your own family.

To help, my team and I have developed copy-and-paste templates here to communicate with your parents via text, voice memo, email, phone call, video call, or even a letter.

Tip 5: Enjoy the Holidays

Ironically, forgetting to enjoy the holidays is easier than it sounds. Creating new traditions, especially if you’re married or soon will be, is a great way to reset and redefine the holidays. Serving others, such as the poor or elderly in nursing homes, is another way to break the cycle with selflessness.

If you’re like me, spending time with your friends makes the holidays much more enjoyable too. While it’s good to spend time with your parents, make sure you block out some time to spend time with your friends too. So often, since spending time with both parents separately can be so time-consuming, our other relationships suffer. Do what you can to plan some time with those people that you’d like to see. The extra effort will pay off.

Keep in mind that you might need to lower your expectations for the holidays, unfortunately. Holiday traditions in your family might die because of the divorce. You might not feel the same joy, safety, and security with your parents anymore. That’s hard to swallow. In the midst of that, try to focus on the deeper meaning of the holiday. For example, Christmas is a time to delve into the mindboggling mystery of God becoming a vulnerable, weak, human baby. Don’t let the stress and challenges distract you from things like that.

We wish you a wonderful holiday season. You can download our holiday guide for free below.

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Holidays in a divorced or broken family can be stressful and exhausting. But there’s a better way.

Our guide, 5 Tips to Navigate the Holidays in a Broken Family, helps you:

• Avoid people-pleasing and burnout

• Manage stress and difficult emotions

• Plan time with parents thoughtfully

• Set clear, protective boundaries

Make the holidays less stressful and more enjoyable.

Holidays with Divorced Parents: Part 2

6 minute read.

Navigating the holidays as a child of divorce can be incredibly challenging. From juggling split holiday schedules to coping with feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and family conflict, this season often amplifies emotional stress for teens and young adults from broken families. Whether it's managing time between parents, dealing with the dynamics of stepfamilies, or battling holiday depression, we’re here for you. To help, our holiday articles offer practical tips for not only surviving the holidays, but making them less stressful and more enjoyable.

Tip 3: Plan Ahead and Set Boundaries with Your Parents

Think of it this way: To stop a fire, you can either fight it as it arises reactively or proactively install sprinklers, smoke detectors, and fire extinguishers. Time with your parents is no different. Making a plan proactively does require some time and effort, but it’s a smart investment that reduces stress, sets expectations, and protects you.

A good plan will naturally include when you’ll see your parents and for how long. It will also set healthy boundaries with your parents, informing them how to treat you. When it comes to the holidays, it’s okay to lay down those rules with your parents. For example, you can tell your dad that you won’t talk to him about your mom, or vice versa. Boundaries communicated in advance also give people the option to opt out of interacting with you, which prevents drama.

By the way, don’t feel guilty for setting boundaries. If you’re not used to this, it might feel mean. That’s not true. Boundaries are a sign of a healthy person. Read that again. Imagine not having boundaries and letting anyone do whatever they want to you. That would be extremely unhealthy and end very badly for you and them. Boundaries aren’t only good for you, but also for your parents. It’ll help you have a healthier relationship with them. If you have kids, make sure to protect them. Don’t sacrifice your kids’ sanity just to please your relatives or parents. Your immediate family is most important now. For more on boundaries, listen to episode 36 of the Restored podcast.

Don’t only set boundaries, but be ready to enforce them. If you tell someone, “This is the boundary,” and they break it, there needs to be consequences. Without them, they’ll ignore your boundaries next time.

As part of your preparation, be ready for the predictable circumstances that will arise, such as a conflict with a specific relative, your dad or mom bringing their new partner to the party, or whatever else. Prepare for how you’ll avoid those situations or how you’ll handle them, such as:

• When your dad introduces his new girlfriend, simply say “Hi, I’m Joey.”

• When that overbearing relative starts pelting you with questions, say “Sorry, I need to run to the bathroom.”

• When your mom starts badmouthing your dad, politely excuse yourself to grab food.

It’s crucial to remember that spending time with one parent is not a betrayal of the other; healthy relationships with both are essential. Many people like us benefit from spending separate days with each parent. By spending Christmas Eve with your dad and Christmas Day with your mom, here are the benefits:

1. It allows you to focus on each parent without (hopefully) worrying about the other

2. It gives each parent assurance that they’re going to have uninterrupted time with you

3. You can avoid burning out

If siblings are part of the equation, include them in the planning process, although the approach may vary depending on the nature of those sibling relationships. Hopefully, you can approach the holidays as a team. To start, create a group chat and start asking good questions to get the discussion going. If things get stuck, make a plan for yourself, share it, and ask them what they think.

Although a good plan is helpful, no plan is perfect. Don’t plan every minute. Also, allow some flexibility in your plan in case things change. A backup plan if things go badly is smart too, such as staying with relatives or friends if the time with your family implodes.

But what if your relationship with your parents is toxic? If it’s to the extent that you can’t see your mom or dad, that’s rough. I’m so sorry. I hate that you’re going through that. In that case, what can you do to experience some sort of community instead of your family? That might look like going to a friend’s house or even having friends over to your place. You’d be surprised by how happy it makes other people to host or receive an invitation during the holidays. Ideally, choose friends or a family that models what it means to be a true and good family—the kind you want for your future.

By the way, if you live at home with one parent, a plan like this is extra difficult. Do what’s within your power to set boundaries. You might be able to spend a little extra time with the parent that doesn’t live at home. In that case, speak with your parent who does live at home, setting that expectation and explaining why you’ll be spending a little more time with your other parent.

To solidify your plan and boundaries, write it down, whether on paper, an app, or a calendar. Feel free to copy this Google Doc schedule template and fill in your details.

Stay tuned for the final post from our holiday guide, or download the whole guide for free below.

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Holidays in a divorced or broken family can be stressful and exhausting. But there’s a better way.

Our guide, 5 Tips to Navigate the Holidays in a Broken Family, helps you:

• Avoid people-pleasing and burnout

• Manage stress and difficult emotions

• Plan time with parents thoughtfully

• Set clear, protective boundaries

Make the holidays less stressful and more enjoyable.

Holidays with Divorced Parents: Part 1

5 minute read.

Navigating the holidays as a child of divorce can be incredibly challenging. From juggling split holiday schedules to coping with feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and family conflict, this season often amplifies emotional stress for teens and young adults from broken families. Whether it's managing time between parents, dealing with the dynamics of stepfamilies, or battling holiday depression, we’re here for you. To help, our holiday articles offer practical tips for not only surviving the holidays, but making them less stressful and more enjoyable.

Tip 1: Stop Trying to Fix or Please Everyone

The quickest way to misery is trying to please or fix everyone. It’s an impossible task that will always leave you feeling inadequate. It’s not your responsibility to please everyone. It’s not your job to clean up the mess inside your family. It’s not your job to fix your parents or their marriage. You can’t change them or your family. Sure, your influence has its place, but it’s not the same as being in control or responsible. Remember that you can love your parents and still acknowledge that they got themselves into this situation. As such, they need to work through it and deal with the consequences.

Around this time of year especially, your parents or other people might expect you to put on a good face and be happy. That’s not right. You should never have to pretend to be happy in the midst of a difficult situation. Again, you can’t make everyone happy, nor should you try. When you try to make everyone happy, you’ll likely make no one happy and yourself miserable.

Tip 2: Prepare for the Stress and Emotions

Holidays in a broken family can be stressful and emotionally exhausting. Don’t let it surprise you. Expect it. Plan for it. If you don’t, here’s the danger: you might emotionally burn out and do things that you’ll later regret in an attempt to fill your needs. To avoid that, prioritize taking care of yourself. That’s not selfish if it’s aimed at allowing you to love well, treat others with respect, and be virtuous.

Think ahead about the difficult emotions you might feel, perhaps even thinking back to last year if it’s comparable. Have one or two quick ways to calm yourself if you feel anxious, or to experience some joy if you feel down and depressed. For example, in the middle of parties that cause anxiety, don’t hesitate to step away for a breather. Whatever you do, allow yourself to feel your feelings. Work through them. Pay attention to them and learn from them. Ignoring them or stuffing them away only makes things worse. The only way to heal and grow is by moving through those negative and messy emotions.

Your body and your emotions are naturally intertwined. As such, care for your body in these simple ways to feel better physically and emotionally:

1. Sleep. Sleep at least 7-8 hours per night, according to sleep experts like Dr. Matthew Walker.

2. Water. Drink half your body weight in ounces (e.g. If you weigh 150 pounds, drink 75 ounces) per day, according to health experts like Shawn Stevenson. Typically, that results in drinking half to a whole gallon per day (roughly 1.75 to 3.75 liters).

3. Exercise. Move your body, whether through walking, running, biking, bodyweight exercises, or sports. The endorphin release will help you feel better.

4. Eat. Eat healthy, whole, unprocessed foods to feel your best. Fun facts according to trauma therapist Margaret Vasquez: Eating good quality dark chocolate stimulates the release of endorphins that make you feel better. Similarly, the carbonation in sparkling water stimulates serotonin release which makes you feel happier or better about yourself.

If you’re religious, don’t forget to pray during this time. Not only have experts found it calming, but God can give you strength during difficult times if you ask for help. He sees your pain and wants to be there for you. Know that he doesn’t want it to be this way either. Trust that he’s not finished with you or your family. While divorce or separation is devastating, God can bring good even out of evil. Perhaps you’ll never see that in your family, but you can see it in your own life.

Healthy distractions aren’t bad. If you’re constantly in situations or with people that drain you, you must have ways to revive yourself. For me, quick ways look like:

• Listening to music or audiobooks

• Playing sports or board games with friends or my family

• Watching good movies

• Having good conversations with my friends

• Walking outside for fresh air

• Watching a sunset

• Cooking meals, especially for family or friends

While it’s good to have alone time, it can be taken to an unhealthy extreme. Make sure you’re not isolating yourself. If you’ve spent the majority of the holidays on your own, without meaningful conversations with friends in person, on the phone, or even through messaging, you’re likely isolating yourself. If you feel lonely, that’s a sign that you’re isolated. Instead of waiting for someone to rescue you, take action. Invite a friend over or plan to meet up. Whatever the circumstances, decide to keep your calm. In tense moments, remember to take a breath, pause to think, and detach from the intensity of the emotions before you act. By doing that, you’ll make better decisions about what to do next and save yourself from regret.

Stay tuned for the next part of our holiday series! Download the whole guide for free below.

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Holidays in a divorced or broken family can be stressful and exhausting. But there’s a better way.

Our guide, 5 Tips to Navigate the Holidays in a Broken Family, helps you:

• Avoid people-pleasing and burnout

• Manage stress and difficult emotions

• Plan time with parents thoughtfully

• Set clear, protective boundaries

Make the holidays less stressful and more enjoyable.

The Bottom of My World Dropped Beneath Me

2 minute read.

This story was written by Anonymous at 48 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 16. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My mom had an affair and left us for her boyfriend, now husband. It was messy, we didn't see it coming. She moved out on Thanksgiving weekend. I came home from school and she was just gone. I still remember what it felt like to discover she had left. My dad was devastated, so he wasn't available to help guide me during this time. I was alone to figure it out. What hurt more was the fact that this happens all the time, so it's no big deal. But it was a huge deal to me. It felt like the bottom of my world had dropped out from under me; no support, just freefalling. I didn't feel like anyone saw me or heard me, they just expected me to be fine with everything. And I wanted to be, because I wanted them to love me.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

Alone. Like the bottom of my world fell out from beneath me. I felt invisible. Discarded. Needed by my parents, but not able to have any needs of my own. Any of my needs were deemed as selfish. I still struggle today with needing anything from people.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

It made me seek attention from unavailable people. I drank and was promiscuous. I was reckless in many situations. I feared that you wouldn't like me if you really got to know me. Like there was something so bad about me that it would drive away anyone of value. I fought with low self-esteem, underemployment, fear of intimacy, and anxiety.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

It's not your fault. Your parents’ inability to see you or acknowledge your feelings right now is a reflection on them and not on you. You are loveable, they are just incapable of loving anyone right now.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Was Happier and Different Before the Divorce

2 minute read.

This story was written by Anonymous at 29 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 4. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

There was fighting, my mom struggled to keep up with us kids and the house. There were other men around (mentor types) who made my dad jealous, but he never communicated that. My dad got angry and wanted a divorce. He moved into an apartment and I remember him driving away, with my mom and I yelling after him. My dad brought us to live with my grandparents for a few months and my mom wasn’t allowed to see us except for an hour a week until she took my dad to court. She says she tried to see us more. I think my dad was at his wit’s end and needed help from my grandparents. It was a terrible idea to prevent my mom from seeing us, though. Very traumatic. I remember having a nightmare and not always having a good time. I even developed an allergy while there.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

Not good, though I can’t remember too much. My uncle said that something shut off in me. I was happier or different before it happened.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

I have very low self-esteem and have trouble feeling like I have the friendships that I have. I have some friends, but at this point, I don’t feel too close to anyone, though I desire this. When dating, I am quite insecure with the person I’m with, which makes it hard to discern marriage with them. I feel insecure about changes in conversation and in my emotions while dating. I fear the person will leave and it will end. I am also attached to marriage too much perhaps and live in a fantasy world a bit about it, something that has helped me cope.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

If separated, it may be possible to save their marriage. I know of a Catholic ministry that has saved many marriages.

If things are more final, I would say pray, get close to God, volunteer, reach out to people. Talk about it!! There is nothing more helpful than talking about it with a person you know you can 100% trust. However, be sure to call them out on it and stand up for yourself and your experiences if they downplay the situation and gaslight.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Thought the Fighting was Normal

2 minute read.

This story was written by Anonymous at 21 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 15. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

I remember when I was 13, I got home from school camp and my mum was cleaning out the study. When I asked her what she was doing, she told me that she and Dad would no longer be sharing a room. They lived like that in separate rooms until one night when I was 15. One week before my exams, they told us they were separating. I have no memory of my parents ever being affectionate or kind to each other and I remember that if I went to a friend’s house and saw their parents getting along, I thought it was weird. When they would communicate with each other, I only remember the constant fighting. I wasn't really expecting the news of their separation because I thought that the way they interacted with each other was normal and I thought that's obviously how all marriages would be.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I struggled with a lot of feelings of worthlessness. My best friend said that if you don't have a mum and dad who love each other, you'll never be able to succeed at anything. I think this mindset puts a huge limitation on God's mercy and is far from the truth. It still cut me though.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

I became very sick after my parents’ separation and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. My grades also dropped. I was an A student in all the advanced classes. After my parents separated, I was moved down into the general classes and was struggling to keep up.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Know your worth. Don't settle for less, Jesus paid dearly for you. You can also unite your sufferings to the Passion of Christ. He, better than anyone, understands what you are experiencing. He has been through rejection, misunderstanding, slander, etc.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Have a Deep Fear of Being Abandoned

2 minute read.

This story was written by Anonymous at 57 years old. Her parents divorced before she was 6. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

I’m pretty sure no one sat me down to tell me my parents were getting divorced. As the youngest of four children, I just remember moving to a new place to live across town. I believe I asked the first night in the new place where my dad was and was told he wasn’t moving with us. Although it’s never really been talked about, the assumed reason is that my dad’s drinking caused my mom to need to leave.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I can’t remember now how I felt, but I’m assuming I was scared and confused. No one seemed to feel the need to explain what happened to me. I feel like since the divorce it’s been important for me to plan everything, know everything, so I can control my world. I’m not good with surprises or changing my plans. That makes me very inflexible. And I have a deep fear of being abandoned.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

As a teen in regards to my dating life, I think I was always searching for someone who would make me his most important person. I had a terrible time being alone and always had a boyfriend and put a lot of energy into each relationship.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

I know it’s hard to see, but there are blessings that come from this situation. The resilience that comes from doing hard things will serve you in many ways. Although I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, I know I’m a more empathetic person because of it.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

I love education about the impact of divorce on young adults. I think this is so helpful so that the trauma of this life event isn’t minimized, but also helping young adults recognize that this event can be a blessing as well. Denying the impact does a lot of damage, I think. Giving voice to the dark or sad can be very freeing.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

The Foundation of My Life Was Poured on Sand

4 minute read.

This story was written by Emma R. at 24 years old. Her parents divorced before she was 14. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My father suffers from psychopathic narcissism and my mother ignored the red flags, as she now says she was "blinded by love" or rather the love dumping that narcissists do to keep their victims. Our home was one filled with terror and I was physically, psychologically, and sexually abused, all in the name of discipline and religion. After 15 years of this, my mother kicked him out with the help of our priest. This help came when a priest and family member asked her if she was okay and simultaneously my mother got a call from the man whom my father was sleeping with's wife. He continued to terrorize us and convinced the whole community we were the crazy ones. We were shamed and told we were sinful, and I was made to keep silent because if I talked it was "gossip".

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I felt worthless. I felt like it was my fault, if I had been a happier child, more helpful, more "enough" then it would not have happened. I also felt horrible like it was my fault because I had prayed for it one night when the abuse was really bad. I felt like my father didn't care and my mother was desperate for safety.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

It has left me with rocky instability. The foundation of my life was poured on sand. I am blessed enough now that the Lord has been laying rock down the whole time and now I live a life of reclaimed joy and victory. I still suffer the full effects of divorce, annulment, and abuse, for I am still a human with a body, mind, and heart, but the Lord has allowed me graces to turn that suffering towards him and sanctify it. I now work in a pro-life center helping women in abuse and am halfway through writing a book to help Catholic victims of domestic violence, hoping to spread the good news of Christ's powerful saving grace.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

You are enough, you are not at fault. You will be okay, in fact, you have the greatest capacity for glory, sanctification, and love. You cannot compare your lives to another, for this is your story and if you claim it, cling to it, and ask the Lord to tend to it, fully trusting He will do marvelous things for you if you knock on the door, He will NOT disappoint you. Allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to enter this suffering, but don't stop there, make it resurrected.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

There is a stigma that you are going to hell if you get a divorce or annulment, that it would be better if you just "forgive and forget" and that domestic abuse does not happen in religious families. There also is this awkwardness where people don't want to ask the kids about anything for fear of "taking a side" or "gossip and detraction" but instead just kind of point the finger at the kids and say, “oh how terrible they are going to be so messed up." The three saving graces in my life were the principal of my school and my best friend’s parents who silently, without judgment or inappropriate questions that made me feel unsafe, were constantly just there for me in minute ways affirming me and making sure I knew if I needed a place to turn to they would be there unconditionally without judgment. Teens often don't feel like they are allowed to talk about it so they act out, which then makes them get "hateful" feedback, confirming what they felt all along: not enough. They need steady attention and affirmation for a long time, often just off on the sidelines as it were, so they feel as though when they are ready they can reach out for help. And they have to be the one who is ready. Even more importantly, we need books, websites, and podcasts, more like this one so they can get help and comfort from others who have been through it because often they don't want (or don't feel safe) to talk it out with someone. They still need to work through so much independently.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

You Are Not Your Broken Family

4 minute read.

This story was written by Anonymous at 26 years old. Her parents divorced before she was 20. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

Both my mom and my dad came from very broken families. The two of them being together was a perfect storm in many ways. They both desired to be better than the families they came from (especially my mom), but they really didn't have the tools to do so. My dad is a functioning alcoholic and had an awful temper growing up. My mom had depression and anxiety/paranoia. They fought often and the household atmosphere was very tense. It was almost like my parents were already emotionally divorced my whole life.

I was 20 and about to enter my senior year of college when my mom came into my room one night to tell me she was going to divorce my dad. My memory is extremely foggy (I'm sure because I was so stressed), but after that, I remember both of my parents sitting down with me and my five younger siblings to officially tell all of us that they were divorcing. At first, they decided to keep all of us in our house and rotate which parent would be with us. After a couple years of that, my sister, brother, and I moved out, so my parents sold that house and my three remaining siblings went back and forth between my dad's new house and my mom's apartment.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I remember breaking down after my mom left my room that night. I sobbed and immediately prayed to the Blessed Mother. I remember feeling a heavy burden on my heart and on my shoulders. I felt abandoned and alone. I knew I was going to be the sole comforter and emotional support for my younger siblings as our parents went through with the divorce. Growing up I had already created a habit of taking on family’s problems that weren't mine to bear. That (with many other maladaptive behaviors/thought patterns) majorly intensified after the divorce. I was extremely stressed all the time and I was grasping at the people in my life for the support I needed.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

It's impacted me in countless ways. When I listen to your podcast episodes, there are so so many things I relate to. I would say that fear has been the biggest factor in affecting my daily life. I was already an anxious person, and then the divorce was just the cherry on top. My brain would constantly race, thinking about my siblings and my parents, worrying that something awful was going to happen to someone. I would catastrophize and then imagine how to prepare for each theoretical, terrible situation. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Friendships and relationships felt overwhelming because my family was a heavy weight. Now as a little bit older adult, I still struggle with those things. Praise God, this past year is kind of the first in my life where my family is relatively stable and it's not necessary for me to be their first line of defense in any given emergency, so to speak. I've been in therapy and able to focus on rewiring these defense mechanisms I don't need. But it is very difficult and very exhausting work.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

First and foremost, you are not your broken family. Instead of operating out of a false identity or no identity at all, live from the truth that you are still a beloved daughter or beloved son. That is how we break the cycle of our parents' divorce and unhealthy family dynamics. I know I felt torn and broken, but the truth is you are still whole and you will be okay. You have the ability to choose what your present and future will look like. You can absolutely do these hard things even when you feel worn down and tired. Lastly, find good, solid people and surround yourself with them. Fill your life with people you aspire to imitate, especially happily married couples.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

Support, support, support. We need mentors more than anything, I think. Someone to listen to us and who knows what it's like to be where we've been. We need healthy relationships with people who can show us how to live good lives and how to build holy families. Just like anything else, early intervention is key. We need those mentors as soon as possible after we experience divorce and separation. I think the longer we live with that gaping hole in our hearts without examples of love and support, the more damage is done and the longer it takes to heal.

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I Knew That Not One Bit Of It Was My Fault

5 minute read.

This story was written by Autumn M. at 24 years old. Her parents divorced before she was 14. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My father started his first of three affairs when my younger brother was a baby. He would put on his bedazzled jeans, whiten his teeth, and go out on "business meetings" Thursday nights with his secretary. Later, he would spend a large portion of his weekends anywhere but home, usually playing this sport or doing a bike ride, all the while meeting (and doing other things besides) with a fellow married triathlete woman.

My mother and father both came from broken families. My father's father was an adulterer himself, even leaving the family for a few years to sow his wild oats. While he eventually came back to the family, I'm sure it was painful for my dad, especially because his mother had "spouse-ified" him due to his emotional tenderness. My father's mother had her father walk out on her shortly after she graduated high school. This pain and suffering led to my grandmother falling into a borderline Christian cult just so some things seemed more certain in her life.

As for my mother, her father was a sexual abuser and her mother did not prevent it. In fact, her mom was in some ways the worse abuser of the two, at least physically and emotionally. My mom's mom had an alcoholic and sexually abusive father. Not surprisingly, her parents' marriage ended in divorce. The vow she made to herself was "I will never get divorced." Then, because of her husband's proclivities, she had to do just that.

My parents told me that Dad was leaving the house when I was 14. I was the only one of my siblings who really understood all of the ramifications – in fact, I had known this was coming. Kids see a lot more than their parents think they do. The music my mom was listening to and the sleeping in separate bedrooms did not go unnoticed by me.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

The rupture was awful. After going back and forth on weekends for a few weeks, I chose my mother, forever. I was old enough to just barely escape the court system's clutches and I never went back to my father's house. My mom quickly became destitute because of the monetary costs of divorce, but she still always paid for my dance classes.

Meanwhile, I had just started high school. During that year, I quickly got sick and developed an immune condition I am still dealing with today. My mother friend-ified me; I unwittingly became her close confidant as she wept and wept over her rage at my father. I knew what my father did was heinous, but it hurt to hear her treat him this way even so.

My brothers continued going back and forth. I wrestled with knowing that I could not protect them from the women my dad would introduce them to. I struggled with the feeling that I was the only one who could stand up to my dad's BS, and I wasn't there. But I knew that if I was there, I would be one step closer to suicide. And I had to stay alive for my brothers. Only recently has my younger brother understood my choice. My older brother still does not.

I felt anxious, betrayed, angry at God, angry at my mom, and angry at my dad. Angry at the world. Unlike other children of divorce, I knew that not one bit of it was my fault. And that made me angrier. It made me angry that my mom treated me as her therapist and if I protested her emotional trauma-dumping, she would say that it made me a bad daughter. I was mad we were poor, I was doubly mad that my dad made off way better in the divorce, despite the myth that the system favors the wife. I couldn't trust, I couldn't believe God loved me. If He had, why did He let this happen to me, I would think.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

Aside from developing depression and two other physical conditions, the divorce sent my faith (what little of it there was) into a death spiral. I became a nervous, sad, unvulnerable person. I struggled with receiving any sort of love and affection. I was hopelessly addicted to pornography, and as a woman, the shame the sin carried was even greater.

The first boyfriend I had had many of the neuroses of my father. Freud would have been proud. Anytime we had a fight, I would think that the relationship was over, a feeling I still struggle with today. I was a walking doormat, a people pleaser, and I could not voice when his behavior made me uncomfortable. Thankfully, through the grace of God and through wonderful friends and mentors, I found God, dumped the boyfriend, and began my healing process that I am still on today. Soon, I would like to meet my father again and forgive him in person.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

When your mom or dad speaks negatively about the other parent, just know that they are speaking out of hurt. They still love you and love the parts of you that are your father's or mother's. They were in love when you were made.

Second, please do not try to hide your pain or struggles so that Mom or Dad will be okay. You have needs and your parents' divorce does not mean that you put them on the back burner.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

I think everyone from a broken family should be given conflict resolution tools. We all struggle with feeling that we are unlovable, so any argument feels like "the other person hates me." This is not true, but we could all use some communication tools to be better able to communicate our feelings in heated moments like these.

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They Both Make Me Feel Trapped.

2 minute read.

This story was written by Alexandria Boness at 16 years old. Her parents divorced before she was born. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My parents were separated before I was born and I've mostly lived with my dad. My mother isn't a very stable person, she has drinking problems, smokes a lot, and has a hard time holding a job. She was in abusive romantic relationships and would bring them around when I would visit her house. As I got older, I remember visiting her and her getting super drunk at 1 am and then having me in a car as she flew through intersections. I felt horrible about her drinking problem and I wanted to help her, but she is very manipulative and makes me feel bad when I can't be with her and no longer living with her. My dad isn't helpful mentally, however, and they both make me feel trapped.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

It made me feel like I had to choose a parent I liked better and they constantly would talk bad about the other parent. It was a lot for me to listen to and deal with as I got older.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

It has not impacted me well and I feel anxious and depressed. I want to leave my family more to be able to breathe and figure out my family for myself without the opinions of others. I don't think I have a good relationship with my parents now.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

It doesn't define you and you can still have a relationship with both of your parents. You should never feel like you are the problem or the divider because it's not your fault. If your parents don't get along well, don't let one parent's opinions and statements dictate how you feel about the other parent. If it's a toxic household, try to find time to breathe.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

I think there needs to be therapy for this specific area so that kids are understood. Support sources are also super helpful and check-ins can help someone get through a divorce or separation

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It Affects Everything…

2 minute read.

This story was written by Steven Thomas at 61 years old. His parents divorced when he was 15. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

HIS STORY

It goes back many generations. If we just focus on my grandparents, the dysfunction is already present. My father's father left the family when he was just a young kid. There is some speculation around if he left, or was kicked out by my grandma, who I am told had her personal issues...I will call them "twisted," for the sake of discussion and to not cause scandal. On my mom's side, her father was a sexual abuser, so they had to move her away from the family at an early age. So both parents had a very fragile foundation. My father, who has passed away was an alcoholic; as well as unfaithfulness in his marriage. My mother did the best she could to try to make things work until everything came to a head. My father was always working and never went to any games, so there was never the sense of support a kid would want or expect. They were very dark times growing up.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

I always say, when a kid goes through a divorce, there is a fracture or fissure in the center of one's soul, and it never really heals. There was a real sense of aloneness, low self-esteem, and feeling very much abandoned and insecure.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HIM

It affects everything...my marriage, my ability to be a good father, my whole sense of what it means to be a man. It is a slow grind to find healing and to fight to become the person God has meant me to become. The sense of my personal identity was something that took many years to truly begin to discover and understand.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Turn to God who is the perfect Father, turn to His Son who is the perfect brother, turn to the Mother of God who is the perfect Mother! Take the darkness that always enters in and give it to Jesus on the cross. Offer it for the redemption of many souls. I remember the turning point in my life was reading about the story of Fatima, and how these young little children offered all of the sufferings for souls, who they were given a vision of, who were falling into hell. All of us victims of divorce, the massive wounded army that we are can make a difference. We can transform our suffering into a prayer. And forgiveness really is the most powerful thing we will ever do.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

Take them out of their isolation, so they know they are not alone.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

You Have Experienced Both a Significant Trauma and a Genuine Injustice

2 minute read.

This story was written by Lincoln Brown at 28 years old. His parents divorced when he was 11. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

HIS STORY

Simply put, my mother picked my brother and I up from school one day and took us to a new house, just near my childhood home/father’s house. My father didn’t know this was going to happen, or where my mother was moving to. They had always had a turbulent relationship, but this was a dramatic escalation that I did not anticipate. I was stunned but I helped my mother unpack boxes, which I suppose was because I thought that if I was helpful and maybe I could potentially calm her down and improve the situation. I remember asking my mother whether we would be back home by Christmas and she said that she didn’t know, which is when I started crying. The next day, my father found me as school was ending and made me take him to my mother, which of course ruined her plans of keeping her whereabouts secret, and they had a big fight. That describes the event of the separation itself.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

I was unable to trust my parents after this happened. I felt a great sense of loss and grief, and I was confused about whether it had been my fault, and whether they would get back together.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HIM

I became a very angry teenager. I felt unable to share my true emotions with family members. I felt ashamed of my desire for an intact family and told myself to toughen up and get over it for many years.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Give yourself permission to be honest about how you feel. You have experienced both a significant trauma and a genuine injustice.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

I think that spaces where divorce is acknowledged as a trauma and where children of divorce can share their stories, find good role models, and support one another would be transformative.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I'm Still Trying to Grow Up and Give My Kids What I Didn't Have

5 minute read.

This story was written by Angela Miller at 29 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 11. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

It is an extremely long story, and I'm still living it, so I'll try to be as detailed for a summary as I can be. Everything was perfect. Husband, wife, 4 kids. They finally bought a house for their family in 2002 and moved into it in January 2003- I remember when they bought the house. A year later my dad’s parents moved in and everything just started getting more hostile between my parents. When I was in 5th grade they separated. They went to a marriage counselor and after that night, two weeks later my mom left. She left my dad in the middle of the day during June, I was in school when I got a call to come down to the principal’s office, and they made us go with her, so she uprooted our lives and made us go to her parent’s house. My mom claims it was only an "overnight bag that was packed" but had clothes for us packed for almost a week. My dad called about 7 pm that night to my grandparent’s house (my mom’s parents) and he promised, which has since been broken, that he would "never drink or never do drugs". My mom has since tried making the claims that he left her and recants it then says, “Well he kicked her out,” which also didn't exactly happen the way she said it did. She started seeing a woman the same summer that she moved us. August that summer we were moved into this woman's house. So mom came out as a "bi-sexual." My dad didn’t visit us for months into the separation. In 2007 my dad threatened to kill my mom, so she got a restraining order against him for a year. After that year was over, he was court-mandated to see us every Saturday for 5 weeks, 5 hours each time which he did. He even called my mom and asked for a longer Saturday on the last visit. She claims now that he cut it short but that's false. After that, it was 3 years until we saw him again. I was 13 when this happened. I was then 16 when I saw him again. My older twin sisters were 18 and my younger sister was 14. My younger sister and I went to my dad's every other weekend until he did drugs in front of us and my dad also tried getting me at 16 years old to date his 25 year old drug dealer. I came back and told my mom and she just laughed at me. After that, he looked me in the face on his couch and told me that my younger sister and I could not come around anymore because he and his drug dealer had to smoke pot. My older sisters were out of my mom's house. One sister was in college and the other was living with her boyfriend from a teen pregnancy. I also at 19 got pregnant (long story). My other sister has been the only one of us to graduate college. I was in culinary school but my younger sister got into drugs and started selling on school premises so my mom asked me to come home because she couldn't raise my younger sister alone. I got super depressed and failed out. I came back, enrolled in college closer to home and I would get phone calls almost daily that my younger sister left school and I needed to go get her and bring her home. I was neglecting my adult education because my mom couldn't do it so instead of raising her child I had my own. There's so much and I could go on but basically, I'm married now almost 8 years and have 6 beautiful children and even became a Catholic convert! I have attempted suicide that I never told anyone about except my husband, I still deal with pain and anger but I'm trying.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

It was a rollercoaster. I still cry. My family was my family. They were the "inseparable couple." They had a huge church community, I had a great school and friends and my mom ripped all of it away from us so she could be a lesbian. It was "her life" and we need to stay out of her way. We were an inconvenience and "outside influences" that made her relationship with this female hostile. I felt like if it wasn't for me telling my dad I would live with Mom this wouldn't have happened. I hold a lot of responsibility still.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

It absolutely impacts me as an adult. My dad is still not around and my mom still tries to tell me my dad hates me and never wanted me. It's a lot and I wish we could talk! But yes, as an adult I'm still trying to grow up and give my kids what I didn't have. I don't trust people. I have the hardest time trusting my husband because I'm so scared he's going to leave.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Ignore the spiteful things that your parents say to you. They hurt you because they can't hurt each other. Suicide is not the answer, you can write your own story and rely on God because without him I would have crumbled.

It is not your fault.

It is not your fault.

It is not your fault.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

They need someone to talk to. I had no one. I was very alone and in a dark place. People need to realize the signs of depression because it can be so bad that the person will kill themselves and "oh my how." If they're young enough, a judge needs to talk to the teen about home life without the parents present. Living with my mom was so bad and she thinks she was great. Living with my dad would have been just as bad but my grandma- mom's mom asked her if I could live with her. Something needs to be done about parents’ power trips as well.

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This Unloved Feeling I Had Made Me Receptive to the Gospel

4 minute read.

This story was written by Billie White at 25 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 15. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

My parents were married for a little over 20 years. Their relationship was extremely unhealthy even before the divorce. The counselor assigned to our family during the divorce reconnected with my mom 10 years later and she mentioned my dad was “no doubt abusive. It was by the book.”

My dad, married for less than a year to a woman before my mom, had separated from my mom once (possibly more) during their marriage before he found a woman who he says he loves. He married her 6 months after the divorce of my parents was finalized.

During the divorce, my dad controlled my brother and me to make us do what he wanted like move to a different town and school. He forbade us to talk to our mom. We were also told to find somewhere else to stay for a while. We jumped from friend’s house to friend’s house for about 2 weeks. We had a third party who was able to be a moderator for us, helping us see that we needed to respond to the attempted contacts from my mom. We did. This was the start of my healing process by standing up to my dad.

In short, during the divorce, I simultaneously started on a destructive path as well as connecting with my play director (a pastor’s wife), which is a huge story leading to my salvation.

I initially didn’t think the divorce affected me because I was told it wouldn’t affect me because I “was older”. I’ve since found as I get older and more mature as a Christian that it is harder because I understand what happened and how people should strive to be like Christ. I had to process and grieve it all over again. My husband and I have 2 kids, and my parents having grandchildren has completely changed the situation as well.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I felt alone and unloved, but I felt that even when my parents were married. At 8 years old, I wrote in a journal a conversation between my brother and I. We knew our parents would get divorced. We expected them to divorce after we graduated high school.

This unloved feeling I had made me so receptive to the Gospel.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

As a teen, it allowed me to make my own decisions - good and bad. I chose to go to a Christian university 780 miles away, and that was the second-best decision I’ve ever made, the first being to follow Jesus. As a young adult, I had the space to learn what Christianity is and who Jesus is. I was raised in a “no religion/politics” household. I had a lot to learn and unlearn from my childhood.

As a married woman with 2 children, it has really shown me how evil divorce is. I understood the weight of my parents’ decision as my mom didn’t want the divorce.

Having children has made it more difficult for me because I wrestle with the balance of keeping space between my family (mainly my dad) for my mental state while also honoring him as my father who did do good in my life. I’ve recently been focusing on how my dad, specifically, is a person (made in the Image of God) instead of focusing (and being filled with anxiety) on my dad being my dad.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Focus on what is true: I feel ___. I am ___. Allow yourself to have emotions. Having a community in some way: to God, a person, even journaling. I was advised by the school counselor (whom I only saw 1 time because my dad found out and threatened everyone) to write what I was feeling down and make sure no one found it. That saved my life, I’m sure. I was starting to be suicidal, in thought. It also helped me process through my emotions as I went back and read it years later. I showed it to my best friend and my husband. It helped them to understand what I was feeling and how it affected me.

What do you think needs to be done to help teens and young adults from divorced and separated families?

First, we all need Jesus. We also need the church. The question is how exactly do we do that? They need a safe place to belong. I had to sneak out of my house to go to youth group once a week.

I think adult children of divorce need practical advice and examples of a “healthy” life. Being a Christian, I am unlearning many toxic behaviors that caused my parent’s divorce.

We need to know how to live a holy (Christ-like) life to ultimately give glory to God, and then raise our kids up in a way that they may follow Jesus, too. What does it look like to maneuver today’s world and our roles as adults, spouses, and parents, as Christians? That is what I was looking for when I found this podcast.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

My Parents’ Divorces Changed Me

3 minute read.

This story was written by Victoria Garcia at 39 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 3. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My parents were divorced when I was 3. Both of my parents remarried. I lived with my father and my sister went with my mother. My dad remarried when I was four. When my second mother was 7 months pregnant with my brother and I was so excited to be a big sister. My dad told the two of us that we had two days to spend together and that he was leaving my mom. My dad flew me out to a different state to live with my grandparents for a year while he flew to another state and set up a life with his new girlfriend. He came and got me after a year. My dad and his new girlfriend remarried when I was 10 years old. I did not have any contact with my second mom or brother for the next 12 years. I remember being confused in school because I had gone through three different schools, three different states, in three different households in like a year and a half. I look back now and I’m devastated at how it all happened. I very much had empathy with my dad because his parents were both married two or three times each; as I have become a parent, I’m just now realizing the effects that had on me and that I have feelings too and they were valid, though at the time they were not. My dad was like my best friend during his second marriage, and when I came to live with him and his new girlfriend, he was a completely different person.

School was a struggle. My new stepmom had me go through ADHD stuff and I had this obsession with boys and wanting to be married and be a mom and a wife. I was also molested at seven years old during my dad’s second marriage by a friend’s older sister and I did not tell anybody. That led me into a life of masturbation. At 16 years old I got pregnant at my first sexual encounter and had an abortion because I thought my parents would kick me out of the house. As you could imagine that devastated me and put me in a downward spiral because I just wanted to be a mom and a wife. I was engaged two separate times and married once for eight years. With my ex-husband, between the two of us, we had 11 parents and I just wanted to make it work. I only wanted to be married one time. Well, that ended in 2021. I knew that my parents’ divorces changed me, but it wasn’t until I listened to the restored podcast that I felt validated! I listened to the first podcast and streams of tears rolled down my eyes because I do not know anybody else who has had three sets of marriages by 10. I always felt like an outcast. I always felt like the black sheep and I grew up to be the black sheep; drug addictions, alcohol abuse, unhealthy relationships, you name it…that was me.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I was pretty lost when I moved back with my dad and his new girlfriend. I felt out of place, alone, and probably confused. I honestly don’t remember my dad or his new girlfriend/my new mom(mom#3 if you’re counting) ever talking to me about what happened; I was never offered counseling.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

Not feeling heard, valued, or worthy of love. Not knowing what a relationship is supposed to look like, never sharing my feelings, and more.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Look to God. Find a family member that hears you, a mentor. Share your feelings.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

Divorce Caused Emotional Barriers

2 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous woman at 52 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 15. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My parents were very young when they got married. As a matter of fact, the reason they married, from what I was told, was because my mother got pregnant with me. It was brought to my attention that my father really liked someone else at the time, but decided not to pursue the relationship due to my mother being pregnant. My parents then married and stayed married for 16 years. During those 16 years, there were many trials and tribulations. From what I was told by a family member, they appeared to have started out with a pretty good marriage but after 3 years things started to change. They basically started many arguments and fights, and it grew more and more over the years until finally one day my father couldn't take it anymore, and finally decided to leave my mother.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE Her FEEL

At the time, I was somewhat relieved because I got tired of them arguing.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

Well, I think it has caused some emotional barriers. I then got pregnant at the age of 19 and had my first child at age 20, and married, but due to being so young and a college dropout after I got pregnant we decided to get married shortly after my first child was born. In that union came two more children, and the stress of being a new mother, and young wife started to cave in on me. It was when I discovered I was pregnant with my third child and the stress of being a mother that this was not for me. I began to get very depressed and after the third child was born I went into severe postpartum depression and had to be hospitalized for this. I felt so guilty for going into this state. I felt as if I failed at being a mother. I began to feel that I should have had better control of my emotions, and that if other women who had far more kids that they were raising could handle them why couldn't I? But I suddenly felt a sense that this was not for me, and later my ex-husband at the time decided to separate from me. However, the two oldest daughters he took from me, but I ended up raising the baby, but still got to see my other children.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

I would say it is wise to seek counseling.

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I Knew I Was Different

5 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous man at 64 years old. His parents divorced when he was 5. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

his STORY

My father was in the military and was medically retired from service for mental health issues. My mother and father’s marriage produced three children. My father’s mental health collapsed to the point where his anger and inappropriate outbursts scared not only his created family but his own brother and sister. I will jump to the final event that spurred the divorce of my parents. My father was caught by my mother suffocating my youngest sibling who was a baby at the time. My sibling survived without lasting physical results.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE him FEEL

I was five years old, but I feared my father. Sadly, I cannot recall a single good memory of my Father. I never remember an encouraging word. I don’t remember a hug. I never experienced love from my father. I knew something significant had happened in our relationship with our father and mother. I knew intuitively that my mother no longer loved my father. I honestly don’t remember much about how my father reacted. I do remember him telling my oldest sibling and me he wouldn’t be living with us anymore. I don’t remember being surprised or emotional about it.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED him

As a young boy, I knew I was different. Our family had moved five times before I was six years old. I had been in three different schools before second grade. Our family minus our father relied on social programs like food stamps. I was totally embarrassed going grocery shopping with my mother. After living in modest homes or duplexes with my father, we now lived in a ten-foot wide by 55-foot-long trailer. My mother drove a late model car because the nice four-door Chevy sedan she drove had an electrical fire and burned up on the side of a highway. My mother returned to work while my siblings and I were still in elementary school. We became “latchkey” kids. We were literally unsupervised and on our own when my mother was at work apart from while we attended school. In the Summer months, our babysitter was the public pool. Naturally, we fell into sin. We stole. We shoplifted. We smoked cigarettes. I struggled in first grade and was pulled out of class for one-on-one speech therapy. In sixth grade, I was enrolled in a summer school math class, which I decided on my own was a waste of my summer experience, and just quit going. I walked out of the class with the teacher yelling at me to return. Which I did not. I hated school. I often daydreamed in class and didn’t pay attention. I had the attitude of how this related to my situation. I had anger issues. If I had a physical confrontation, it was always with boys. They always backed down from my aggression. I don’t think they knew how to react to someone so mean and out of control of their emotions. My teachers didn’t either.

By ninth grade, I had a girlfriend and was having sex with her. She was the first of other girls and women I would have sexual relationships with until my marriage. In high school, I occasionally smoked pot and drank beer. Though I never felt smoking pot was a problem, I do remember a car full of other teenagers so high that we went through a railroad crossing and we were nearly hit by an oncoming train. Drinking alcohol had its problems. I was pulled over by a State Trooper while I was drunk but luckily, he did not arrest me. I became addicted to chewing tobacco and chewed for nearly a decade. I did graduate from high school, junior college, and a university. I had commitment issues with my fiancée’s. I was engaged to three different women. I did have two different careers that I retired from and receive a pension for. But as I reflect upon my past, I had issues with authority and commitment that probably limited any promotions.

In the past two years I have had three heart procedures, diagnosed with prostate cancer, and general anxiety that led to my retirement. I have been married to my wife that I adore and love for nearly four decades. We have two wonderful children and six SUPER grandchildren. In the past two years, my wife’s love and example led me to be a practicing Christian and I re-dedicated my life to Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. Last year I was baptized in the Church with my entire family in attendance. I have repented of my many sins, and I am genuinely not happy with the things I did in my past. I am actively trying to re-wire my brain and re-set my attitudes and thoughts with the help of the Holy Spirit that dwells within me. I am praying to God to reveal his purpose for me. As Rick Warren often says, “Never let a hurt go to waste”. I have a lot of hurts.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Seek support through the Church’s Pastor or Youth Pastor, school counselor, trusted teacher, or trusted coach. Stay away from harmful things like drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. In the end, they do much more harm than they do good. Choose your friends wisely. Stay away from children who advocate violence, stealing, skipping school, and pre-marital sex. Date and marry girls and women that practice their faith. Take your academics seriously. Always give your best in your classes. Be respectful to everyone even if they don’t respect you back. Love and support your parents and other siblings. Be honest and have self-control. Find a wholesome activity you enjoy and use it to help with any anxiety. When you get older research the impact divorces have on children and young adults. Always know that God loves you. He created you so how could he not love you? Forgive. I visited my father’s grave years after his death and began the process of forgiving him. I have contacted two of my aunts (my father’s sisters) and started a relationship with them.

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I Knew It Was Over

1 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous woman at 51 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 10. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

It started with a lot of fighting and then my mom sleeping in my room instead of her own. One day she sat me down on my bed to tell me they were separating. I knew it was over. We moved out of the house and never went back. I switched schools 3 times in the next 2 years. It destroyed me.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

Scared. Alone. Angry. Ashamed. Unsafe. For a long time every night, I would go to bed and wish I would wake up and it was all a dream. My sense of self and safety was destroyed.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her

I was left alone a lot after school and at night. My parents never seemed to be concerned about how any of this made me feel. Looking back I had social anxiety prior to this so this increased my anxiety and I started self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, and promiscuity. I developed depression and started having panic attacks as an adult. To this day I still battle anxiety, depression, and a distorted view of myself.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Talk to someone you trust about how you feel about it. Know that it is not your fault and you didn’t deserve this.

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I Had to Learn to Protect My Peace and My Sanity

4 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous woman at 22 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 11. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

My parents got divorced after many close calls and after years of an unstable and unhealthy marriage. My dad has a side of him that can be mean, controlling, and verbally and emotionally abusive. He had controlling ways that he viewed as showing love. He has a side of him that can be just beyond nice and kind and selfless, but on the other hand, he has a side of him that can be ruthlessly mean to the point of abuse. I have had to distance myself from him and my relationship with him is strained and complicated, but he still reaches out to me as if nothing has ever happened. A therapist described it as that he has two mirrors in which he sees himself as a good dad and the other where he sees himself as the victim of the woman he has been married to. Previously, he and I had been close up until shortly before my nineteenth birthday when I had to leave from living with him. Things have been complicated since then and still are to this day. I have had to learn to set limits and boundaries in my interactions with him, as painful as it is- to protect my peace and my sanity. This is where things currently are as he has now moved away to Mexico, his home country, since the beginning of this year.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

It left a bad taste in my mouth about marriage, especially after I ended up learning the details behind their unhealthy marriage, close calls to divorce, and how both of them vented their feelings towards each other to me. Soon after the official separation, my mom got together with another man when I was about twelve, and they got married when I was thirteen. My relationship with her changed a lot around these times, too. She and I had many emotional arguments and fights around her new relationship. This too made me tell myself that I would never get married. Marriage has been a sore matter for me for so long due to my parent's unhealthy marriage and divorce and due to my mother's remarriage. My stepdad and I ended up not getting along. Many yelling episodes over the years, misunderstandings, us triggering each other, and it continued until we finally had to set boundaries. He and I don't see each other much anymore. My mom made that call. Now, I am trying to work on my healing from the soreness and resentment of the matter that marriage was for me for years.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her

As a teenager, there were many conflicts between them about me. At sixteen and seventeen, I fell into a depression. Mom wanted me on antidepressants, Dad was against it. Mom wanted us to move, Dad did not. My mom vented her anger towards him to me, my dad did the same with his anger towards my mom. Mom wanted me to live with her. Dad wanted me with him. Both gave me reasons opposing the other. This made my adolescent years a living hell. I experienced strong emotions of mere anger and mere sorrow that resulted in many nights of loud and intense crying and screaming at the top of my lungs. My parents didn't know what to do. I was never actually suicidal, but there were times when I was seventeen where I said I wanted to kill myself. I never truly did and I never attempted, but my mom took me to behavioral health on a few occasions. It hurts so much to relive this, but I am sharing my story to heal for myself and my prayer is that it makes someone feel less alone.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

- It is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault.

- You are not responsible for your parents getting along.

- You are not doomed to repeat this cycle of unhealthy marriage and divorce.

- To a child, one day, you will grow up. You will realize that this is behind you and you will be able to gain perspective. You will be able to find healing so that you can feel whole and happy and hopeful again. Your parent’s divorce does not have to define your life, your future or how successful you can be. You will be able to choose for yourself.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.