My Self-Worth Was Non-Existent

3 minute read.

This story was written by Anonymous at 29 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 10. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

One day, my mum just told me that my dad didn’t love her anymore. I think he had a new woman. I was the youngest of 4 — two older brothers and one older sister. There was a 6-year age gap between me and them, so they decided they would move out to not face choosing mum or dad. I had no choice. I had to go with mum and we moved so many times after that. Eventually, we ended up back in the home-house for financial reasons, sharing it with my sister and her family. My dad moved out.

I didn’t deal with any of this until my recent conversion to the faith about 1.5 years ago. I spent my teens and most of my twenties making awful decisions and endangering my life. I have never spoken to my mum or dad about the divorce, or any of my siblings. It’s often made light of in conversation, or a few drunk moments have led to a teary eye, but there has never been a real emotional conversation about it or the effects it’s had on us. I felt and still feel totally abandoned by my whole family, except my mum. But it wasn’t easy living with just her either. I was so troublesome and she had been through so much, we just clashed all the time. She brought a few different men into my life, too, which was weird and uncomfortable.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

As a child, I’m not quite sure. I think I was numb. I didn’t understand. I remember crying a lot in bed on my own. I didn’t really tell anyone I was sad. I thought it was normal. The way my mum told me led me to believe people can just stop loving you. It made my self-worth non-existent. I’m only now finding a bit of self-worth in my vocation as a mother. Only by the Grace of God; He is showing me who I really am. I have terrible abandonment issues.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

I acted so badly in school. Craved attention so much. Wanted to be popular so badly. Drank a lot. Ended up with a bad crowd and did a lot of drugs.
Had some anger issues. Really just lost.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Talk to someone about it. Talk to God about it. Jesus loves you and is there for you. Do what is right for you and not for everyone else.

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My Parents Refused to Separate

36-minute read.

This story was written by Anonymous at 24 years old. His parents never separated. He gave permission for his story to be shared. Names have been changed to respect their anonymity.

HIS STORY

I was born into a Catholic family and am the middle kid of 5 (all sisters). I’ll begin with some background. My parents began fighting when I was about 8 or 9 years old. I wasn’t sure why, but me and my sisters could tell there was something going on. For the first year, it was mostly tense moments and hushed arguments between them. By the time I was about 10 years old, they had evolved into shouting and screaming matches. All of us kids began to pick up on why they were fighting. Me and my sisters began to put the pieces together from our parents shouting about their issues. It turns out my dad had been viewing pornography the entirety of their 17 years of marriage and my mom had found out recently. This was after 6-7 really terrible miscarriages and the (nearly miraculous) birth of our youngest sister in 2010. My mom’s world was shattered. She felt betrayed and deceived. My dad would continue to maintain that he was a changed man and was no longer looking at it.

That same year, I found my dad’s pornography. I can’t imagine the introduction of pornography is easy or not traumatic to any young child. But I found my dad’s. I was devastated. I was scared and confused and utterly lost. I had been a good kid, trying my hardest to pray and serving Mass regularly. But the temptation was too great for me. I remember the absolute hatred I felt for my dad later that night, but I knew it was also directed at myself. How could I do that? I realized the source of my parents’ arguing was due to her distrust of him. He would maintain that he had given it up and was no longer looking at it. Obviously lying to her.

I watched their marriage fall apart, held captive by fear and disgust with myself. I was struggling with my purity and regularly failing, only to be consistently persecuted by my conscience, telling me that it was my fault they were fighting. Every time they fought, I would be tormented with my failure to speak up, to say anything. I watched my mom slowly fall into a depressed state within the next year. My siblings and I stepped up to help with my youngest sister while my mom would stay in her room for longer and longer at a time, miserable and hurting. I believed this was my fault, that I could fix this, except that I was too weak to say anything. I was terrified of the consequences and kept quiet because I did not know what would happen if it was brought to light. I had no one to share with, I spent nights alone in my room, listening to them fighting and I started sneaking out of the house at night to the car where the porn was — a coping mechanism. Anything to distract myself. Other times I used to walk through our yard and on the back roads, trying to distract myself any way possible. There was no relief.

My sisters shared a room and I used to imagine going in there and hanging out, but I couldn’t because I held myself responsible in part for their pain and suffering. I was the one hiding this information from my parents and holding everyone hostage between my parents’ constant fights. I was scared that if I said anything, they would separate and it would be my fault, but them fighting was my fault because I said nothing. No matter what I did, I hurt my family, my parents, and myself. It felt like I was holding my family captive to serve my own desires and as a result of my failures.

Over this time, I would resign myself to fixing their marriage. I didn’t know how to go about it, but it was what I put my hope in. I tried everything I could. I shouted, got angry, wrote them an (obviously written by me) anonymous letter — placed discreetly in our mailbox from a “concerned neighbor” telling them how they were hurting their kids. Each month that passed by was another month of failure, another month of being incapable of making a change. But I refused to give up. My entire family refers to me as the most stubborn person to exist. I needed to be, because to stop throwing myself against a brick wall in an attempt to make a difference was to give up on hope. To give up on peace and happiness. I fought and I fell, and got back up, again and again. This continued for 4 terrible years. All the self-hate. The late nights reading books until I literally passed out with the light on and slouched over my book because I could not fall asleep. My mind would not turn off, or my parents were fighting, or I simply needed a distraction.

Soon after I had discovered the porn, I wrote off my dad. I began to look up to my friends’ dads and I thank God that I got to experience (even briefly) the beauty of a holy and happy marriage, even if it left me with a greater sense of longing and the accompanying despair at the absence of it. I had also been serving every Sunday and most weekdays by the time I was 9 and had developed great respect for my pastor at the time, Fr. M. Despite me acting out throughout my childhood and teen years, despite my anger and rebellious nature, the one person who I always respected was Fr. M. During a time that I was convinced of my fault and burdened with shame and guilt, he encouraged me to keep being holy, to keep fighting, always believing that I was capable of great things which I desperately needed to believe.

By the time I was 8-9, I had begun to consider priesthood, without really recognizing the true nature of it. I just knew that every time I served, there was a peace that would have me longing for it throughout the week at home. Serving Mass became my safe haven. I looked forward to every weekend and the chance to serve again. Soon after, Fr. encouraged me to consider being a priest. I was now presented with another issue: I felt a strong desire to it, but was convinced in my heart that I was a bad person because of my home life and my struggles with purity. I felt isolated; I did not know holy people struggled with porn. I knew the turds in my sports all joked about this stuff and talked about it without concern, but they weren’t Catholic. I knew this was a major deal, but I was terrified of talking about it. It was so closely linked to my parents. My parents had tried to maintain their social standing, pretending like everything was fine, but talking to their friends and sharing info about the other to their circles. This widened the gap between them and I believe sealed the coffin.

Every Sunday at church, their kids would be in the choir, serve, or be part of the various groups and we would get compliments that only left a sour taste with all of us. They were unwilling to simply sit and have an honest conversation with each other. I thought the solution was so simple — just to sit and talk to each other, and it angered me when they would passive-aggressively mention the other or confide in anyone but themselves. They began to separately pull the kids aside and talk to us, apologize, or complain about the other parent.

This despair continued for 4 years, seeing the steady disintegration of our family life. I still believed this was my fault and resigned myself to dealing with it, but also continued to try and protect my sisters if I could. Our mom would take us to the library about 3 times a week and we would get books. I realized this was an opportunity to try and find a solution. I read about everything, both as a distraction and as a means of helping. I brought books home and would read till I passed out. Books about psychology, philosophy, theology, etc. In this search, I came across the cynics and from there would pick up the Enchiridion and the Stoics. As someone who was struggling daily to convince himself there was hope — and constantly being disappointed — I was drawn into the abyss of indifference that was initially cynicism and eventually became stoicism. This was a way to feel happy! Finally, I was being offered a sure-fire way to remove the constant hurt and pain, the loneliness and shame/guilt. The answer was so simple: to not care. I could have peace if I simply convinced myself I didn’t care about my family, or my ethics, my sisters, my parents, anything. None of them were something I could control. What felt like a lifetime consisting only of failure to have a good effect confirmed me in this delusion. I was never capable of doing them any good to begin with. I was only responsible for myself and my happiness. I’m ashamed to say that it did supply me relief to be so selfish and care only about myself.

I began to analyze myself, recognizing where in my life I was “bound” by feelings of obligation and fondness. I began what I called detachment from my concerns. My family? Merely people I was randomly allotted to assist in my development. Not people who had any impact on myself or my emotions unless I let them. I wrote my first psychological self-evaluation when I was 12 and at the prodding of various books, began to research deeper into philosophy and psychology as I believed it was the cure to my world being a mess. It became the new source of hope. If I could just understand it all better, there was bound to be some solution and an offering of peace and happiness. I thank God that I found stoicism because it primed me for all of the progress to come. However, first came the overcorrection. I began to attack the principle of sympathy — and eventually empathy — as a means to find relief from my guilt. I hyper-fixated on the faults associated with dependency, damning it in all regards, and started to cognitively and physically disassociate myself from all forms of dependency. Dependency from my parents, family, friends. I only needed myself; this was possible, relief was possible, so long as I never counted on anybody. I could never be disappointed.

Except that I knew deep down, no matter how hard I tried, I needed others just as I was compelled to help others. If my sister or friend were struggling, I couldn’t bring myself to justify letting them struggle alone. No matter how selfish I tried to be, focusing on only what I wanted to do or have, I couldn’t bring myself to dismiss others’ needs. I was not perfect at this by any means, but I remember reading the life of St. Don Bosco and being inspired every time I read it, over and over. His life of service and complete surrender to God, his life of service to those poor boys whom I likened myself to. I began to have a great love and desire for the priesthood, to emulate what I read about. To be a source of comfort and a caregiver to those in need. In desolation, I found Don Bosco, the caretaker who watched over me throughout my struggles and low points. Who had a love for boys like me that I so desperately wanted to experience. In St. Don Bosco’s life story, there is mention of another Saint who I credit my life and happiness to: St. Dominic Savio. A sickly boy with nothing, no one to care for him, no family except for a kindly priest and father-figure, Don Bosco. But who remained resolute, never bending, never faltering under attacks and derision. Who, when he saw friends arguing and reaching for stones with which to bash each other’s heads in, stepped in between them and quelled the fight, saying that if they were to throw stones at each other, they must be thrown through him. This young man was capable of what I spent my childhood trying to do. I longed to be like St. Dominic Savio, to stand up between my parents and bring about some miraculous change.

I began to recognize that stoicism at its best failed to satisfy the needs of the human condition. I did believe stoicism held truths about resilience and concern, so I began looking further into it. Eventually, in my later teen years, when I was about 14-15, I came across Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) and its successor Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Through CBT (the therapy, not the drug), I found a source of hope. I knew I was going through things and I knew I needed help, but I was still unable to ask for it, so I began — quite clumsily — treating myself.

Now it is important to take a moment to mention my pastor once more. When I look back at my life, he seems to be the only constant. An unwavering symbol of pastoral and fatherly care. I really began to look at Fr. M not as just a priest, but as my father figure. As a teenager, I distinctly remember deciding that Fr. M was a man that I would like to be like someday. He was the virtuous role model I was longing for, and I learned a lot about what it meant to be a man from watching him. Many say he is a bit of a hard-ass, but to a young boy looking for a father — Fr. was a wonderful example of fatherhood and a real source of consolation to my troubled childhood. One of the only reasons I am not in jail or worse. I was also beginning to understand what the priesthood meant and continued to feel a strong pull to discernment of it. In this, I was encouraged by Fr. M and so I began to read, pray, and discern the priesthood when I was about 14 years old.

But shame persists through every obstacle; my parents’ relationship got really bad and every once in a while, my mom would be so angry, she would take the car and leave for the night or a couple of hours. Things were bad and I regressed into a miserable state. At this same time, my struggles with pornography were debilitating. Removing the joy I had been receiving from Mass and the Sacraments, while also making me feel like a liar — like my dad — every time someone said I was a good kid, or Fr. encouraged me to be a priest. I soon dreaded serving. Every time I was told I should be a priest, I was struck with sorrow because I couldn’t imagine how I could possibly be worthy.

I had been in a boys’ high school youth group with two friends for a year or so before we went to Georgia for a national conference. It was there that a group of teenage boys all openly and honestly shared their struggles with pornography and masturbation. I was dumbfounded, awestruck. I had no clue others struggled to the extent that I did. My world and years of shame were turned upside down as I tried to process this. My close friend then shared his own struggles and I was next. I was being asked to be honest about something I had spent years covering up, pushing down, and associating so much guilt and shame with. I felt like I was not only admitting to struggling with porn but also outing my family’s dysfunction. I WAS PETRIFIED. And I still feel such disgust for myself in that moment because I looked at all of these guys and my close friends in the eyes and I lied. I lied about the porn to those who had been so honest with me. It destroyed me a little bit to have withheld that from them. I told them it wasn’t really something that I struggled with. I was so lost and broken, in my mind, I had become my dad. I had lied to those who cared for me and betrayed my friendship with others. I spent an hour walking around alone before I found a young adult leader who had traveled with us. I broke down and needed to prove that I was a good person, so I told him I was struggling with porn and needed help. God bless him, he had no clue what to do with that info and I don’t blame him. He never brought it up after that night and neither did I. I was once again miserable because nothing had changed and I had still betrayed the trust of my friends.

A week after we got back, we went on a boys’ camping retreat where I was surrounded by the guys I had lied to. I was miserable and depressed. I couldn’t bear to be near them and didn’t have the strength to ask for help again. I constantly wandered off to be alone because I hated myself every time I was near them. One morning, I snuck down to the river and sat there alone while everyone else was eating breakfast. I remember sitting there and just feeling the waves of misery running through me. I felt physically and mentally numb, like nothing mattered and even if it did, I wasn’t capable of anything. I remember thinking about going back home, but thinking that there was no way I could. I couldn’t live there. I never wanted to leave the spot I was sitting, if only to never go home again.

During this, Fr. M walked down the hill and joined me. I don’t know why he was down there — it could have been because my mom or dad had been to spiritual direction with him to complain about each other, so he was keeping an eye on me. Or maybe he saw me sulking and was concerned. Or maybe he just wanted time alone and I surprised him by being there. After some light pleasantries and a silence, he asked me out of the blue:

“Are you melancholic?”

He had asked in a delicate, almost playful manner. I do not know if he was asking to test the waters or if he was just making fun of me for sitting alone. But I was stunned. I didn’t know how to respond because I was so much more than that. He sat with the brief silence and pressed:

“Do you know what melancholic means?”

That — for some reason — pushed me out of my stupor and I arrogantly replied:

“Yes, I know what melancholic means, Fr.”

Other kids began walking down to join us at this point, but I was left with a multitude of emotions. I had wanted to break down right in front of Fr. and tell him everything, to ask him to help me. I had felt a warm and comforting feeling of genuine concern from him. I have always been a reserved kid when it came to emotions (except for anger) and was very good at masking my pain. But for the first time, I had let it slip. I was being asked how I was doing with genuine concern, from someone who had always been there for me, from someone who did not use me as fodder in their arguments. Concern from someone who loved me unconditionally, from the man who showed true fatherhood in his example and pastoral care. I was struck by that and within the next 5 minutes I had decided I would tell him everything and ask him what I should do. He was to be the St. Don Bosco to my St. Dominic Savio.

After that decision alone, there was already a sense of consolation being given to me. I chased that. Throughout the entire day, I kept looking for an opportunity to pull Fr. aside or for an opportunity to talk in private. Eventually that night, I resolved to talk to him during Exposition while he was hearing confessions. We were outside near the waterfall and I remember trembling with fear as my feet dragged walking up the small hill to the “confessional.” I encountered a rush of every thought possible, designed and pointed to deterring me from sharing. Every question of my self-worth, every failure, every weakness, and my inability to do things. Through the grace of God, I persisted. I walked up and pulled the chair set up for me so that instead, we were face-to-face. I unloaded my situation and failures and struggles. For the first time in my life, I was sharing everything. There was relief from my burden. I asked for help and was completely honest for the first time in my life. I will spare the details of the confession except to say that Fr. showed fatherly love in his concern, and for the first time in my life, there was someone I could lean on. I could ask for help and there was someone who would look out for me.

Fr. asked me to find him after confession and talk to him again (in respect for the Seal of Confession). I will not even try to describe the joy I felt. I am still unable to express my feelings into words as I waited to talk to Fr. after Benediction. Afterwards, Fr. walked off a little ways from the group and made sure that he gave me the opportunity to talk to him. In that conversation, he asked me if I would like him to talk to my dad about the porn. To this day, I cannot thank him enough for being willing to do that for me. It might have been just a difficult conversation for him to have with his parishioner, but for me, this was the single hardest thing I had ever wanted to do and had never been able to overcome. The following weekend after we had returned from the retreat, Fr pulled my dad aside and talked to him about his porn. My dad and I would later sit down and he would talk to me about it and apologize. I was not capable of forgiving him in that moment, and there didn’t seem to be any change. In fact, I had to be the one to get rid of some of the pornographic CDs. I somewhat melodramatically broke them and burned them one night, about a week after.

Things were good for a while. My relationship with my parents was strained, but gone were the days of feeling guilty for their problems and the struggles of my family. I made progress in the pursuit of chastity for the first time in my life. Things seemed like they were on the right track. I began to wrestle with concerns about my worthiness to become a priest and I began to take a closer look at my motivations and where I would like to be in the future. I became convinced that my desire for the priesthood was simply a product of trauma-induced idolization of my father figure and not a genuine call. I believed there might be a real avoidance and fear of marriage that I was hiding from by pursuing priesthood, and so I decided that I needed to carefully examine myself and work through some things first before I went through with it.

But we are still human, and when I was 16, I was put into the Running Start program at a nearby community college. If you aren’t familiar with it, essentially you are taking college classes in place of the last two years of high school and — if completed — would graduate with a high school diploma and an Associate’s degree at the age of 18.

What followed, I will simply say, was the lowest point of my life. I very quickly met a bad crowd and started to spiral out of my faith and moral decency. I began dating, and very little of it was done properly. I began to struggle with depression and coped with alcohol and impurity. My family situation had been steadily getting worse. My parents refused to separate, but were unable to even have simple conversations without venom and arguments ensuing. They had been living in separate rooms for quite some time and were living as “friends.” Every disagreement had 5 stages:

1. They argue about how the other person was in the wrong

2. They each confide in us separately and explain why the other one was wrong

3. They argue about each other, using the kids as weapons and turning us against each other

4. They texted/emailed us each an explanation of what happened and what they had done/said to the other person, or an apology

5. They confronted each other about reaching out to the kids, and this was usually stage 1 of the next fight (or at least fuel for it)

This has remained the case until even today, when I am 24, still getting texts and emails about their disagreements.

I had begun working soon after I started college at 16 and was soon working two part-time jobs and bought a car. I picked up some work under the table in addition to the two other jobs and began skipping classes for work and to party with friends later that night. Throughout all of this, my parents had devolved into nightmares. Unable to bear the other, they had stopped doing anything together and would really only ever fight when they were forced to interact, yet they refused to separate. My mom had spent most of our lives using us as counselors, sharing too much information and burdening us all with things that she needed to talk to a therapist about. My dad had begun pushing himself into our lives and became overbearing. My older sisters left as soon as they were 18, and I became the “guardian” of my younger siblings. I hated every minute of my life at home and tried my hardest not to blame my younger sisters for it. I wanted more than anything to just leave, to even live out of my car rather than continue where I was.

Each of the older kids knew deep down that this was not going to be reconciled. We had lost hope and were in the emotional fetal position for most of our lives already. I began to recognize that my behaviors were building up to something which was going to wreck my life and after a particularly close call with law enforcement, I decided I needed to get away from my life. I needed to get away.

I remember one day specifically where my parents had fought most of the prior day, and on the following day (Sunday), they began to audibly shout at each other directly over my 6 or 7-year-old sister. They were arguing and hurling accusations at each other over who got to bring her to Mass with them, and something inside of me snapped. I was so fed up and I yelled at them, telling them neither of them were taking her but instead I would take her to Mass and they needed to work out their shit. I realized right then and there that my sisters desperately needed me, but I also recognized that I was not strong enough for them. I was crushed for the next year, unsure what I should do. I wanted to be strong enough for them and I stretched myself to the breaking point. Until I decided at 18 that I needed to move out, or else I wasn’t sure what would happen. I have wrestled with the guilt I have felt from leaving my younger sisters for years and I continue to do so.

I moved out at 18, within a week of being offered a room in an apartment with a friend of mine. This was without my high school diploma (because I had skipped a full year of classes) and without giving my parents notice beyond a week.

I spent a year collecting myself and working my ass off to be self sufficient. I got promoted at work and became a nutrition coordinator. I began dating and spent a portion of my life considering married life. Constantly feeling unfulfilled, I began volunteering at my parish again and stopped dating to continue discernment of the priesthood. I can only barely touch on the friendships and brotherhoods I’ve had over the years. A lot of mistakes and dysfunction, mostly borne out of my lack of boundaries and out of my personal issues. I spent that time getting my porn use under control. By the time I was 23, I recognized the need to take control of my education. I went back to a High School+ program and began taking classes while working full time and volunteering at the Church. I decided the HS+ classes were taking too long and got my GED. Immediately after, I started taking college classes again to complete my Associate’s.

About 2-3 years ago, while hanging out with my sister, she broke down and began crying when I asked her how she was. Ultimately, it turned out to be my mom and dad causing her severe anxiety. She could not control her emotions in public and found herself breaking down in public and in front of friends. Now they refuse to separate but are incapable of living harmoniously together. My mom is “suffering” through this for the family and they both are scared of losing the family if they separate, so they are mutually holding each other hostage. This created an awful environment for my youngest sister, who was now living alone at home without any of my other siblings (AKA, no buffer or immediate support). The condo I was renting from a friend was not going to be available in 3 months so I decided to move into my folks’ place for a year leading into the seminary.

This was prefaced by sitting down with my parents and telling them they needed to stop fighting in front of my youngest sister. I had my older sister take the youngest for the night and invited myself over for dinner. I sat down with them and convinced them of hurting their daughter, informing them that she felt isolated and alone, suffering through everything they were blind to. Fighting had become such a routine thing for them, they had no shame in subjecting their daughter to their fighting.

I also informed them that I would be buying my sister a phone and paying for the plan so that she was not sitting alone in her room, crying over our parents fighting in the other room. This phone was something that they would not be able to take away from her, as it was because of them and it would remain under my control. I also told them that I would move in for the remaining year before seminary. I was doing this to be there for her when I could and to essentially (while it was never verbalized) parent them.

HOW HIS FAMILY LIFE IMPACTED HIM

I have spent some time working through this all and discerning, and I have realized that while the past six years have produced fruit, ultimately they were nothing more than actual avoidance of God’s Will in my life. That morning when my sister was sobbing in my car because she couldn’t stand it anymore was too much for me. I saw her struggling through everything that I had dealt with and something inside me broke. Because of this, I have been dealing with a lot of emotions over the past year that I had become quite adept at avoiding, and have been a bit of a mess at times as I try to navigate these emotions while living in the same house that caused me so much discomfort.

I’ve worked through some things throughout my life and a lot of it hasn’t been easy. It is a continual struggle, but in everything, I want to exemplify the consoling heart of Christ to those I will serve in ministry as a priest. I spent a long time convincing myself that my past and pain made me incapable of being a good priest, but I have come to realize that these are what embolden my soul in ministry. The pain that I have experienced is the fuel for the compassionate love of Christ that I am called to offer others. These trials and tribulations experienced through my family are the same things that I hope to be equipped to handle for others. I want and have a call to be what my own pastor was for me.

I still have an unpleasant relationship with my dad and there was definitely some sour feelings about being named after him throughout my entire life.

I developed OCD tendencies later in life. I was a very messy kid while I was living at home, purposely so at times to stick it to my parents. But when I moved out, I fell into the obsessive need for everything to be in its place. This is something that my mom had been doing throughout most of our teenage years as a coping mechanism. If the house was messy, she would spiral out and have a meltdown at times. Shouting and unable to control her emotions. She was unable to control anything else except the house’s cleanliness and I began to do the same in my late teen years as I was struggling with a sense of helplessness and lack of control.

I utilized many things throughout the years as coping mechanisms or distractions. Notably: porn, alcohol, work, and sweets. I began drinking at 16 with some friends and it quickly became an outlet to forget my issues. Porn has always been a coping mechanism since I was a young kid, and I had no moderation at all as a kid. I was seemingly unable to help myself around sweets, often getting in trouble for stealing desserts. I would put all of my money into candy bars or ice cream as a kid and would often end up eating 2-3 full-sized candy bars in one sitting. I can still recognize this as a coping mechanism as I often find myself listlessly strolling through store aisles and sugar loading whenever I feel off or sad.

I had an unhealthy feeling of responsibility for my family’s well-being, which put my own at risk. I was unable to enjoy my own life because I was so fixated on my family and their issues that I regularly overlooked or allowed their issues to cloud my personal life and progress.

I’ve seen this play out in my relationships and even friendships where there is a real fear that love is something that can be taken away at the slightest inconvenience. I felt the need to check in at the smallest disagreements and problems. Eventually, some friendships became relationships of tense and awkward neediness for validation of love.

I sought conflict or to be contrarian throughout my entire life. Always picking fights and would be willing to stubbornly argue my point till others gave up on me because there is a corrupt sense of comfort in conflict.

FINDING HEALING

I have been working as a youth and young adult minister for the past year, leading into the seminary where I will begin this July. I have been working diligently to adequately deal with my past. But it is an incredibly slow process, as until two years ago, I had been in denial of the pain that I had been feeling. I still find myself fighting to control my emotions over simple things.

I recently went to Seek 2025 and found myself crying in a seat at Joey’s talk. I had tried to find a time to meet him and thank him in person throughout that entire conference, but couldn’t make it work between the shifts at the booth where I was volunteering. However, the last day of the conference, as we were leaving, my boss had ordered an Uber and it ended up being too small for us all to fit, so I volunteered to stay behind and wait for another car. As our ride pulled up, my friend and I were walking to the Uber from our hotel when Joey walked right in front of me to his own ride to the airport. I was struck by the opportunity. Without being able to help myself, I interrupted him loading his bags into the trunk to introduce myself and thank him. I want to echo those thanks once more by saying that Restored’s work is appreciated and truly a source of consolation and inspiration to me.

I had been recommended to read Dr Bob Schutts when I was 16 by my spiritual director and quickly found Jason Evert, before being introduced more recently to Restored and Joey’s work through their collaboration. I have listened, cried, and been moved by many of Restored’s podcasts, as I have been so unable to express any of the thoughts or feelings that I have had to those around me, especially to those people that I am trying not to hurt, but am unable to explain why I acted the way I did. Your podcasts and book have been the explanation for my struggles and weaknesses that I have been unable to voice to those I love and have hurt.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

Kids Are Resilient…Right?

2 minute read.

This story was written by Ella Grace at 60 years old. Her parents separated at 10. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My parents had opposite personalities. Dad was extremely extroverted, Mom was extremely introverted. My dad was away a lot on business and my mom got used to running everything on her own. I wouldn't say they had fights, but my father would shout at my mother, call her names, and she would just sit there and cry. The final straw was when my dad met a young female coworker. She was more sociable than my mom and understood my dad's business dealings as she was in the same line of work. They fell in love. At the time, the prevailing attitude was that it was better for parents to split up than stay in an unhappy marriage. Kids were resilient and would be fine. So my parents divorced. Three months later, my dad married his coworker.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

At the time, I was relieved that all the shouting and crying were over. My dad lived in a big city and it was exciting to visit him. His new wife acted more like a big sister to me than a mother. She took me shopping and she was very fashionable, so my teenage self liked that very much. It wasn't until I was turning 40 that I realised how damaged I was from my dad's abandonment and the subsequent divorce. Unlike many children of divorce, I never blamed myself. It was very clear that my parents were mismatched and my dad was a bully.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

I was promiscuous as a teen and it got even worse after my own divorce. I was hopeful and trusting that every guy I met was "the one" who would love and cherish me and take care of me. I'd meet a guy and already be fantasising about being married after 2 or 3 dates, if we even got to that point.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Find a trusted and neutral adult that you can talk to in confidence. Let them know that God will never abandon them.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

Should I Just Get Over It?

2 minute read.

This story was written by Anonymous at 18 years old. Her parents separated at 15. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

I guess family life as I knew it kinda fell apart. My dad found other interests and entertainment outside of the family (late nights out, other women, fancy dinners, etc.) and kept it a secret until it wasn't anymore. I don't think I knew what to make of it 100%.

HOW THE SEPARATION MADE HER FEEL

I really didn't know what to make of it...I still kinda don't some days. I think it’s boggled my mind. I haven't been bitter or angry (like holding a grudge, seeking vengeance, wishing ill), at least at my dad. But I’m more frustrated with myself. Discouraged that I don't "fit the norm" of other traditional, large, Catholic conservative families. I had always thought I was secure in that, but it was merely a facade my dad wore.

HOW THE SEPARATION IMPACTED HER

My dad's actions have had positive and negative impacts on me. I have become a much more compassionate and less judgemental person. I have learned lessons that I don't think I could have without going through this. However, I have some struggles that seem directly related to this: a bad relationship with food/emotional eating, self-anger, and body image obsession. Sometimes I tell myself, "Who doesn't go through these things, especially at 18?! I should just get over it all already." It is a lonely place to be sometimes.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

It is understandable to be confused. You might feel relief, then guilt, then nostolgia for what was, even if that wasn't healthy. I know I have. It may seem impossible, but through pursuing a relationship with God, there is hope for you to get better — better than before, even. Don't stop dreaming for yourself and work to achieve it. You are worth it.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

Longing For Happy Family Memories

5 minute read.

This story was written by Elizabeth Dorwart at 42 years old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My mom hung in there until the end — she’s a saint. But emotionally they were divorced. My dad struggled with depression and couldn’t keep a job starting when I was in 8th grade. He was from a very broken home — his mom abandoned them and his dad was an alcoholic. When I was 18 he had a suicide near-attempt, but didn’t do it at the last minute. I was told to get a job at age 15 because I had to go to college, but there was no money for college. My sister got a sports scholarship. I very much decided to become a physician because I knew I wanted to help people, but I really wanted to make a good living because I was scared that my future husband would commit suicide like my dad almost did. I wanted to be able to provide for my whole family. Luckily at age 26, I met and married a wonderful guy before my parents got worse. I know I would have been too afraid to get married.

My parents always argued about money and my dad continued to drink and struggle with finances through my 20s and 30s. He would open secret credit cards and try to start businesses, only to have them fail. He got involved in multi-level marketing schemes and didn’t pay taxes for 7 years. That led to a 75k lien against my parent’s house and we had to help my mom untangle that mess. I was blessed to find Dave Ramsey and I followed everything he said, except taking out loans for med school of course —I had to do that. But I put off having kids because med school was hard and I was always bailing out my parents financially. I hoped I could stabilize them and then start my family, but nothing worked to rein in my dad’s behavior. He kept getting fired from simpler and simpler jobs and we wondered if he had some cognitive problems. I was afraid to get him diagnosed, worried he would become mentally unstable or hurt himself. But finally in 2018, after he crashed two cars in a week and couldn’t explain what happened, we got a full medical evaluation and found out he has cognitive impairment — likely related to playing football. He stopped working and stopped driving. Things were finally stable; my mom was working extra jobs and we helped them fix some things around their house so they could rent out a room to save for retirement. But in 2021 my mom was diagnosed with cancer and passed away in 2022. My husband and I became caregivers. It’s been such a long road of heartache and I’ve longed for happy family memories. We had a few along the way, but there’s been a lot of trauma and drama.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

So sad, so torn, wanting to help my parents but not knowing how to. So sad for my mom and my dad. Angry at my dad before we realized it was probably a medical issue. Sadly, I’m fairly cynical about family life and I wish I wasn’t.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

I’ve been terrified to have kids. I struggle when I make a mistake. I have a hard time relaxing and I work a lot. I have a lot of issues with money and I struggle to see God as the provider. I have a lot of regret about not having kids, but I’m proud we finally stabilized my parents. It took so much from me, but I’m much closer to my God because of all the trauma.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Know that it isn’t your fault and this isn’t how God designed things to be. Families can be restored. But having trauma is a human response and God will see you through it. Lean on Him and know He loves you and your whole family so much.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Felt Like We Were Living a Lie

5 minute read.

This story was written by Anonymous at 26 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 8. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

It's hard to know where to begin. My parents got married despite warnings from their parents and grandparents. I was born out of wedlock when they were both 19, as was my brother, who was born just after my parent's wedding. I think I grew up believing they got married because that's what you do when you have a baby accidentally. I couldn't think of any other reason, given that their families hated each other and never had a moment of peace between them. When I was six years old, we moved to another city so that they could attend a state school. I was already doubtful of their love for each other. Their constant arguing fed this doubt. I can count only one single instance of witnessing my parents being affectionate toward each other. Looking back, I felt like we were living a lie. I never felt settled in our home together.

Eventually, the stress of raising two kids and succeeding in college proved difficult for them. My 11-month-old brother went to live with my grandma to relieve them of some stress. After this, our family slowly ebbed away. When I was around 7, I begged my parents to let me live with my grandma as well. I missed my brother terribly, and I thought our life in Tallahassee was dreadfully boring. My grandma is also divorced. She became pregnant with my dad at 18 and was abandoned by my bio grandfather. She later married and had three more children. The details of her marriage are spotty for me, but she suffered many mental health issues in addition to the infidelity of my late step-grandfather. While living with my grandma, I learned of my parents' separation. I don't remember the moment I found out that well, but I don't think I was shocked. Due to a lack of financial resources and communication, they did not make their divorce official until 2022. Being raised by my grandma was extremely tumultuous. We lived below the poverty line and struggled to stay in stable housing. My grandma would constantly compare me to my mother in a derogatory way and made it difficult to communicate openly with her. Over time, my mom grew frustrated and stopped calling. My dad lived in another state and sparingly called. Eventually, my dad moved in with us, but we were still estranged from my mom and her entire side of the family. It wasn't until my grandma kicked me out of her house (due to false accusations) and sent me to live with my mom that I was reunited with her.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

It was not until very recently that I realized that my parent's divorce affected me. I think the circumstances surrounding it were so chaotic that I never saw it as the most impactful thing. When it happened, I was saddened but told myself it was the right thing for them to do. I never witnessed their love and felt so far removed from the dynamics of their marriage (besides their bickering) that I did not think I had much to grieve. I will say I grieved the togetherness of my immediate family. My grandma also painted such a poor image of my mom in my mind, that I thought being sad about the divorce would be akin to feeling sad that my dad was no longer "trapped" in a bad marriage, which felt like a betrayal. Today, I am grieved by my parents' divorce, as I see it as the catalyst to the various other traumas I experienced.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

I have significant trouble setting boundaries regarding things that I feel will make the other person sad or angry. I am generally a hard shell to crack and keep my cards close, even amongst close friends. Marriage feels impossible and unattainable. I have no idea what it's like to belong to a healthy family dynamic. I have significant relationship anxiety and have gone about relationships in unhealthy ways to gain affection. For most of my life, I have felt unloveable and lonely, even when many people have shown me great love and granted me companionship. I have a hard time believing in love. My relationship with God has sometimes felt very transactional and rigid because I doubt His goodwill toward me, especially when I fail. I am also mostly estranged from my dad's side of the family and my younger brother. Being estranged from my brother causes me the most anguish. By the grace of God, I believe my experiences give me a higher tolerance for pain, and I am always learning more about suffering well, especially after my conversion to Catholicism.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Be honest with your feelings with at least one person. There is no right or wrong way to feel. You don't need to justify the divorce because you feel bad for your parents. It is an injustice to you. But also know that they are human and may be unaware of the gravity of their actions. Ultimately, know that you belong to a family in Jesus Christ that can never be dissolved. Cast your cares upon Him often and as frequently as they arise because He cares for you!!

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

The Bottom of My World Dropped Beneath Me

2 minute read.

This story was written by Anonymous at 48 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 16. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My mom had an affair and left us for her boyfriend, now husband. It was messy, we didn't see it coming. She moved out on Thanksgiving weekend. I came home from school and she was just gone. I still remember what it felt like to discover she had left. My dad was devastated, so he wasn't available to help guide me during this time. I was alone to figure it out. What hurt more was the fact that this happens all the time, so it's no big deal. But it was a huge deal to me. It felt like the bottom of my world had dropped out from under me; no support, just freefalling. I didn't feel like anyone saw me or heard me, they just expected me to be fine with everything. And I wanted to be, because I wanted them to love me.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

Alone. Like the bottom of my world fell out from beneath me. I felt invisible. Discarded. Needed by my parents, but not able to have any needs of my own. Any of my needs were deemed as selfish. I still struggle today with needing anything from people.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

It made me seek attention from unavailable people. I drank and was promiscuous. I was reckless in many situations. I feared that you wouldn't like me if you really got to know me. Like there was something so bad about me that it would drive away anyone of value. I fought with low self-esteem, underemployment, fear of intimacy, and anxiety.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

It's not your fault. Your parents’ inability to see you or acknowledge your feelings right now is a reflection on them and not on you. You are loveable, they are just incapable of loving anyone right now.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Was Happier and Different Before the Divorce

2 minute read.

This story was written by Anonymous at 29 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 4. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

There was fighting, my mom struggled to keep up with us kids and the house. There were other men around (mentor types) who made my dad jealous, but he never communicated that. My dad got angry and wanted a divorce. He moved into an apartment and I remember him driving away, with my mom and I yelling after him. My dad brought us to live with my grandparents for a few months and my mom wasn’t allowed to see us except for an hour a week until she took my dad to court. She says she tried to see us more. I think my dad was at his wit’s end and needed help from my grandparents. It was a terrible idea to prevent my mom from seeing us, though. Very traumatic. I remember having a nightmare and not always having a good time. I even developed an allergy while there.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

Not good, though I can’t remember too much. My uncle said that something shut off in me. I was happier or different before it happened.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

I have very low self-esteem and have trouble feeling like I have the friendships that I have. I have some friends, but at this point, I don’t feel too close to anyone, though I desire this. When dating, I am quite insecure with the person I’m with, which makes it hard to discern marriage with them. I feel insecure about changes in conversation and in my emotions while dating. I fear the person will leave and it will end. I am also attached to marriage too much perhaps and live in a fantasy world a bit about it, something that has helped me cope.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

If separated, it may be possible to save their marriage. I know of a Catholic ministry that has saved many marriages.

If things are more final, I would say pray, get close to God, volunteer, reach out to people. Talk about it!! There is nothing more helpful than talking about it with a person you know you can 100% trust. However, be sure to call them out on it and stand up for yourself and your experiences if they downplay the situation and gaslight.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Thought the Fighting was Normal

2 minute read.

This story was written by Anonymous at 21 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 15. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

I remember when I was 13, I got home from school camp and my mum was cleaning out the study. When I asked her what she was doing, she told me that she and Dad would no longer be sharing a room. They lived like that in separate rooms until one night when I was 15. One week before my exams, they told us they were separating. I have no memory of my parents ever being affectionate or kind to each other and I remember that if I went to a friend’s house and saw their parents getting along, I thought it was weird. When they would communicate with each other, I only remember the constant fighting. I wasn't really expecting the news of their separation because I thought that the way they interacted with each other was normal and I thought that's obviously how all marriages would be.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I struggled with a lot of feelings of worthlessness. My best friend said that if you don't have a mum and dad who love each other, you'll never be able to succeed at anything. I think this mindset puts a huge limitation on God's mercy and is far from the truth. It still cut me though.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

I became very sick after my parents’ separation and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. My grades also dropped. I was an A student in all the advanced classes. After my parents separated, I was moved down into the general classes and was struggling to keep up.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Know your worth. Don't settle for less, Jesus paid dearly for you. You can also unite your sufferings to the Passion of Christ. He, better than anyone, understands what you are experiencing. He has been through rejection, misunderstanding, slander, etc.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Have a Deep Fear of Being Abandoned

2 minute read.

This story was written by Anonymous at 57 years old. Her parents divorced before she was 6. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

I’m pretty sure no one sat me down to tell me my parents were getting divorced. As the youngest of four children, I just remember moving to a new place to live across town. I believe I asked the first night in the new place where my dad was and was told he wasn’t moving with us. Although it’s never really been talked about, the assumed reason is that my dad’s drinking caused my mom to need to leave.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I can’t remember now how I felt, but I’m assuming I was scared and confused. No one seemed to feel the need to explain what happened to me. I feel like since the divorce it’s been important for me to plan everything, know everything, so I can control my world. I’m not good with surprises or changing my plans. That makes me very inflexible. And I have a deep fear of being abandoned.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

As a teen in regards to my dating life, I think I was always searching for someone who would make me his most important person. I had a terrible time being alone and always had a boyfriend and put a lot of energy into each relationship.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

I know it’s hard to see, but there are blessings that come from this situation. The resilience that comes from doing hard things will serve you in many ways. Although I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, I know I’m a more empathetic person because of it.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

I love education about the impact of divorce on young adults. I think this is so helpful so that the trauma of this life event isn’t minimized, but also helping young adults recognize that this event can be a blessing as well. Denying the impact does a lot of damage, I think. Giving voice to the dark or sad can be very freeing.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

The Foundation of My Life Was Poured on Sand

4 minute read.

This story was written by Emma R. at 24 years old. Her parents divorced before she was 14. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My father suffers from psychopathic narcissism and my mother ignored the red flags, as she now says she was "blinded by love" or rather the love dumping that narcissists do to keep their victims. Our home was one filled with terror and I was physically, psychologically, and sexually abused, all in the name of discipline and religion. After 15 years of this, my mother kicked him out with the help of our priest. This help came when a priest and family member asked her if she was okay and simultaneously my mother got a call from the man whom my father was sleeping with's wife. He continued to terrorize us and convinced the whole community we were the crazy ones. We were shamed and told we were sinful, and I was made to keep silent because if I talked it was "gossip".

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I felt worthless. I felt like it was my fault, if I had been a happier child, more helpful, more "enough" then it would not have happened. I also felt horrible like it was my fault because I had prayed for it one night when the abuse was really bad. I felt like my father didn't care and my mother was desperate for safety.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

It has left me with rocky instability. The foundation of my life was poured on sand. I am blessed enough now that the Lord has been laying rock down the whole time and now I live a life of reclaimed joy and victory. I still suffer the full effects of divorce, annulment, and abuse, for I am still a human with a body, mind, and heart, but the Lord has allowed me graces to turn that suffering towards him and sanctify it. I now work in a pro-life center helping women in abuse and am halfway through writing a book to help Catholic victims of domestic violence, hoping to spread the good news of Christ's powerful saving grace.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

You are enough, you are not at fault. You will be okay, in fact, you have the greatest capacity for glory, sanctification, and love. You cannot compare your lives to another, for this is your story and if you claim it, cling to it, and ask the Lord to tend to it, fully trusting He will do marvelous things for you if you knock on the door, He will NOT disappoint you. Allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to enter this suffering, but don't stop there, make it resurrected.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

There is a stigma that you are going to hell if you get a divorce or annulment, that it would be better if you just "forgive and forget" and that domestic abuse does not happen in religious families. There also is this awkwardness where people don't want to ask the kids about anything for fear of "taking a side" or "gossip and detraction" but instead just kind of point the finger at the kids and say, “oh how terrible they are going to be so messed up." The three saving graces in my life were the principal of my school and my best friend’s parents who silently, without judgment or inappropriate questions that made me feel unsafe, were constantly just there for me in minute ways affirming me and making sure I knew if I needed a place to turn to they would be there unconditionally without judgment. Teens often don't feel like they are allowed to talk about it so they act out, which then makes them get "hateful" feedback, confirming what they felt all along: not enough. They need steady attention and affirmation for a long time, often just off on the sidelines as it were, so they feel as though when they are ready they can reach out for help. And they have to be the one who is ready. Even more importantly, we need books, websites, and podcasts, more like this one so they can get help and comfort from others who have been through it because often they don't want (or don't feel safe) to talk it out with someone. They still need to work through so much independently.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

You Are Not Your Broken Family

4 minute read.

This story was written by Anonymous at 26 years old. Her parents divorced before she was 20. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

Both my mom and my dad came from very broken families. The two of them being together was a perfect storm in many ways. They both desired to be better than the families they came from (especially my mom), but they really didn't have the tools to do so. My dad is a functioning alcoholic and had an awful temper growing up. My mom had depression and anxiety/paranoia. They fought often and the household atmosphere was very tense. It was almost like my parents were already emotionally divorced my whole life.

I was 20 and about to enter my senior year of college when my mom came into my room one night to tell me she was going to divorce my dad. My memory is extremely foggy (I'm sure because I was so stressed), but after that, I remember both of my parents sitting down with me and my five younger siblings to officially tell all of us that they were divorcing. At first, they decided to keep all of us in our house and rotate which parent would be with us. After a couple years of that, my sister, brother, and I moved out, so my parents sold that house and my three remaining siblings went back and forth between my dad's new house and my mom's apartment.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I remember breaking down after my mom left my room that night. I sobbed and immediately prayed to the Blessed Mother. I remember feeling a heavy burden on my heart and on my shoulders. I felt abandoned and alone. I knew I was going to be the sole comforter and emotional support for my younger siblings as our parents went through with the divorce. Growing up I had already created a habit of taking on family’s problems that weren't mine to bear. That (with many other maladaptive behaviors/thought patterns) majorly intensified after the divorce. I was extremely stressed all the time and I was grasping at the people in my life for the support I needed.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

It's impacted me in countless ways. When I listen to your podcast episodes, there are so so many things I relate to. I would say that fear has been the biggest factor in affecting my daily life. I was already an anxious person, and then the divorce was just the cherry on top. My brain would constantly race, thinking about my siblings and my parents, worrying that something awful was going to happen to someone. I would catastrophize and then imagine how to prepare for each theoretical, terrible situation. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Friendships and relationships felt overwhelming because my family was a heavy weight. Now as a little bit older adult, I still struggle with those things. Praise God, this past year is kind of the first in my life where my family is relatively stable and it's not necessary for me to be their first line of defense in any given emergency, so to speak. I've been in therapy and able to focus on rewiring these defense mechanisms I don't need. But it is very difficult and very exhausting work.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

First and foremost, you are not your broken family. Instead of operating out of a false identity or no identity at all, live from the truth that you are still a beloved daughter or beloved son. That is how we break the cycle of our parents' divorce and unhealthy family dynamics. I know I felt torn and broken, but the truth is you are still whole and you will be okay. You have the ability to choose what your present and future will look like. You can absolutely do these hard things even when you feel worn down and tired. Lastly, find good, solid people and surround yourself with them. Fill your life with people you aspire to imitate, especially happily married couples.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

Support, support, support. We need mentors more than anything, I think. Someone to listen to us and who knows what it's like to be where we've been. We need healthy relationships with people who can show us how to live good lives and how to build holy families. Just like anything else, early intervention is key. We need those mentors as soon as possible after we experience divorce and separation. I think the longer we live with that gaping hole in our hearts without examples of love and support, the more damage is done and the longer it takes to heal.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Knew That Not One Bit Of It Was My Fault

5 minute read.

This story was written by Autumn M. at 24 years old. Her parents divorced before she was 14. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My father started his first of three affairs when my younger brother was a baby. He would put on his bedazzled jeans, whiten his teeth, and go out on "business meetings" Thursday nights with his secretary. Later, he would spend a large portion of his weekends anywhere but home, usually playing this sport or doing a bike ride, all the while meeting (and doing other things besides) with a fellow married triathlete woman.

My mother and father both came from broken families. My father's father was an adulterer himself, even leaving the family for a few years to sow his wild oats. While he eventually came back to the family, I'm sure it was painful for my dad, especially because his mother had "spouse-ified" him due to his emotional tenderness. My father's mother had her father walk out on her shortly after she graduated high school. This pain and suffering led to my grandmother falling into a borderline Christian cult just so some things seemed more certain in her life.

As for my mother, her father was a sexual abuser and her mother did not prevent it. In fact, her mom was in some ways the worse abuser of the two, at least physically and emotionally. My mom's mom had an alcoholic and sexually abusive father. Not surprisingly, her parents' marriage ended in divorce. The vow she made to herself was "I will never get divorced." Then, because of her husband's proclivities, she had to do just that.

My parents told me that Dad was leaving the house when I was 14. I was the only one of my siblings who really understood all of the ramifications – in fact, I had known this was coming. Kids see a lot more than their parents think they do. The music my mom was listening to and the sleeping in separate bedrooms did not go unnoticed by me.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

The rupture was awful. After going back and forth on weekends for a few weeks, I chose my mother, forever. I was old enough to just barely escape the court system's clutches and I never went back to my father's house. My mom quickly became destitute because of the monetary costs of divorce, but she still always paid for my dance classes.

Meanwhile, I had just started high school. During that year, I quickly got sick and developed an immune condition I am still dealing with today. My mother friend-ified me; I unwittingly became her close confidant as she wept and wept over her rage at my father. I knew what my father did was heinous, but it hurt to hear her treat him this way even so.

My brothers continued going back and forth. I wrestled with knowing that I could not protect them from the women my dad would introduce them to. I struggled with the feeling that I was the only one who could stand up to my dad's BS, and I wasn't there. But I knew that if I was there, I would be one step closer to suicide. And I had to stay alive for my brothers. Only recently has my younger brother understood my choice. My older brother still does not.

I felt anxious, betrayed, angry at God, angry at my mom, and angry at my dad. Angry at the world. Unlike other children of divorce, I knew that not one bit of it was my fault. And that made me angrier. It made me angry that my mom treated me as her therapist and if I protested her emotional trauma-dumping, she would say that it made me a bad daughter. I was mad we were poor, I was doubly mad that my dad made off way better in the divorce, despite the myth that the system favors the wife. I couldn't trust, I couldn't believe God loved me. If He had, why did He let this happen to me, I would think.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

Aside from developing depression and two other physical conditions, the divorce sent my faith (what little of it there was) into a death spiral. I became a nervous, sad, unvulnerable person. I struggled with receiving any sort of love and affection. I was hopelessly addicted to pornography, and as a woman, the shame the sin carried was even greater.

The first boyfriend I had had many of the neuroses of my father. Freud would have been proud. Anytime we had a fight, I would think that the relationship was over, a feeling I still struggle with today. I was a walking doormat, a people pleaser, and I could not voice when his behavior made me uncomfortable. Thankfully, through the grace of God and through wonderful friends and mentors, I found God, dumped the boyfriend, and began my healing process that I am still on today. Soon, I would like to meet my father again and forgive him in person.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

When your mom or dad speaks negatively about the other parent, just know that they are speaking out of hurt. They still love you and love the parts of you that are your father's or mother's. They were in love when you were made.

Second, please do not try to hide your pain or struggles so that Mom or Dad will be okay. You have needs and your parents' divorce does not mean that you put them on the back burner.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

I think everyone from a broken family should be given conflict resolution tools. We all struggle with feeling that we are unlovable, so any argument feels like "the other person hates me." This is not true, but we could all use some communication tools to be better able to communicate our feelings in heated moments like these.

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They Both Make Me Feel Trapped.

2 minute read.

This story was written by Alexandria Boness at 16 years old. Her parents divorced before she was born. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My parents were separated before I was born and I've mostly lived with my dad. My mother isn't a very stable person, she has drinking problems, smokes a lot, and has a hard time holding a job. She was in abusive romantic relationships and would bring them around when I would visit her house. As I got older, I remember visiting her and her getting super drunk at 1 am and then having me in a car as she flew through intersections. I felt horrible about her drinking problem and I wanted to help her, but she is very manipulative and makes me feel bad when I can't be with her and no longer living with her. My dad isn't helpful mentally, however, and they both make me feel trapped.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

It made me feel like I had to choose a parent I liked better and they constantly would talk bad about the other parent. It was a lot for me to listen to and deal with as I got older.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

It has not impacted me well and I feel anxious and depressed. I want to leave my family more to be able to breathe and figure out my family for myself without the opinions of others. I don't think I have a good relationship with my parents now.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

It doesn't define you and you can still have a relationship with both of your parents. You should never feel like you are the problem or the divider because it's not your fault. If your parents don't get along well, don't let one parent's opinions and statements dictate how you feel about the other parent. If it's a toxic household, try to find time to breathe.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

I think there needs to be therapy for this specific area so that kids are understood. Support sources are also super helpful and check-ins can help someone get through a divorce or separation

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It Affects Everything…

2 minute read.

This story was written by Steven Thomas at 61 years old. His parents divorced when he was 15. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

HIS STORY

It goes back many generations. If we just focus on my grandparents, the dysfunction is already present. My father's father left the family when he was just a young kid. There is some speculation around if he left, or was kicked out by my grandma, who I am told had her personal issues...I will call them "twisted," for the sake of discussion and to not cause scandal. On my mom's side, her father was a sexual abuser, so they had to move her away from the family at an early age. So both parents had a very fragile foundation. My father, who has passed away was an alcoholic; as well as unfaithfulness in his marriage. My mother did the best she could to try to make things work until everything came to a head. My father was always working and never went to any games, so there was never the sense of support a kid would want or expect. They were very dark times growing up.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

I always say, when a kid goes through a divorce, there is a fracture or fissure in the center of one's soul, and it never really heals. There was a real sense of aloneness, low self-esteem, and feeling very much abandoned and insecure.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HIM

It affects everything...my marriage, my ability to be a good father, my whole sense of what it means to be a man. It is a slow grind to find healing and to fight to become the person God has meant me to become. The sense of my personal identity was something that took many years to truly begin to discover and understand.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Turn to God who is the perfect Father, turn to His Son who is the perfect brother, turn to the Mother of God who is the perfect Mother! Take the darkness that always enters in and give it to Jesus on the cross. Offer it for the redemption of many souls. I remember the turning point in my life was reading about the story of Fatima, and how these young little children offered all of the sufferings for souls, who they were given a vision of, who were falling into hell. All of us victims of divorce, the massive wounded army that we are can make a difference. We can transform our suffering into a prayer. And forgiveness really is the most powerful thing we will ever do.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

Take them out of their isolation, so they know they are not alone.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

You Have Experienced Both a Significant Trauma and a Genuine Injustice

2 minute read.

This story was written by Lincoln Brown at 28 years old. His parents divorced when he was 11. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

HIS STORY

Simply put, my mother picked my brother and I up from school one day and took us to a new house, just near my childhood home/father’s house. My father didn’t know this was going to happen, or where my mother was moving to. They had always had a turbulent relationship, but this was a dramatic escalation that I did not anticipate. I was stunned but I helped my mother unpack boxes, which I suppose was because I thought that if I was helpful and maybe I could potentially calm her down and improve the situation. I remember asking my mother whether we would be back home by Christmas and she said that she didn’t know, which is when I started crying. The next day, my father found me as school was ending and made me take him to my mother, which of course ruined her plans of keeping her whereabouts secret, and they had a big fight. That describes the event of the separation itself.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

I was unable to trust my parents after this happened. I felt a great sense of loss and grief, and I was confused about whether it had been my fault, and whether they would get back together.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HIM

I became a very angry teenager. I felt unable to share my true emotions with family members. I felt ashamed of my desire for an intact family and told myself to toughen up and get over it for many years.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Give yourself permission to be honest about how you feel. You have experienced both a significant trauma and a genuine injustice.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

I think that spaces where divorce is acknowledged as a trauma and where children of divorce can share their stories, find good role models, and support one another would be transformative.

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I'm Still Trying to Grow Up and Give My Kids What I Didn't Have

5 minute read.

This story was written by Angela Miller at 29 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 11. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

It is an extremely long story, and I'm still living it, so I'll try to be as detailed for a summary as I can be. Everything was perfect. Husband, wife, 4 kids. They finally bought a house for their family in 2002 and moved into it in January 2003- I remember when they bought the house. A year later my dad’s parents moved in and everything just started getting more hostile between my parents. When I was in 5th grade they separated. They went to a marriage counselor and after that night, two weeks later my mom left. She left my dad in the middle of the day during June, I was in school when I got a call to come down to the principal’s office, and they made us go with her, so she uprooted our lives and made us go to her parent’s house. My mom claims it was only an "overnight bag that was packed" but had clothes for us packed for almost a week. My dad called about 7 pm that night to my grandparent’s house (my mom’s parents) and he promised, which has since been broken, that he would "never drink or never do drugs". My mom has since tried making the claims that he left her and recants it then says, “Well he kicked her out,” which also didn't exactly happen the way she said it did. She started seeing a woman the same summer that she moved us. August that summer we were moved into this woman's house. So mom came out as a "bi-sexual." My dad didn’t visit us for months into the separation. In 2007 my dad threatened to kill my mom, so she got a restraining order against him for a year. After that year was over, he was court-mandated to see us every Saturday for 5 weeks, 5 hours each time which he did. He even called my mom and asked for a longer Saturday on the last visit. She claims now that he cut it short but that's false. After that, it was 3 years until we saw him again. I was 13 when this happened. I was then 16 when I saw him again. My older twin sisters were 18 and my younger sister was 14. My younger sister and I went to my dad's every other weekend until he did drugs in front of us and my dad also tried getting me at 16 years old to date his 25 year old drug dealer. I came back and told my mom and she just laughed at me. After that, he looked me in the face on his couch and told me that my younger sister and I could not come around anymore because he and his drug dealer had to smoke pot. My older sisters were out of my mom's house. One sister was in college and the other was living with her boyfriend from a teen pregnancy. I also at 19 got pregnant (long story). My other sister has been the only one of us to graduate college. I was in culinary school but my younger sister got into drugs and started selling on school premises so my mom asked me to come home because she couldn't raise my younger sister alone. I got super depressed and failed out. I came back, enrolled in college closer to home and I would get phone calls almost daily that my younger sister left school and I needed to go get her and bring her home. I was neglecting my adult education because my mom couldn't do it so instead of raising her child I had my own. There's so much and I could go on but basically, I'm married now almost 8 years and have 6 beautiful children and even became a Catholic convert! I have attempted suicide that I never told anyone about except my husband, I still deal with pain and anger but I'm trying.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

It was a rollercoaster. I still cry. My family was my family. They were the "inseparable couple." They had a huge church community, I had a great school and friends and my mom ripped all of it away from us so she could be a lesbian. It was "her life" and we need to stay out of her way. We were an inconvenience and "outside influences" that made her relationship with this female hostile. I felt like if it wasn't for me telling my dad I would live with Mom this wouldn't have happened. I hold a lot of responsibility still.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

It absolutely impacts me as an adult. My dad is still not around and my mom still tries to tell me my dad hates me and never wanted me. It's a lot and I wish we could talk! But yes, as an adult I'm still trying to grow up and give my kids what I didn't have. I don't trust people. I have the hardest time trusting my husband because I'm so scared he's going to leave.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Ignore the spiteful things that your parents say to you. They hurt you because they can't hurt each other. Suicide is not the answer, you can write your own story and rely on God because without him I would have crumbled.

It is not your fault.

It is not your fault.

It is not your fault.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

They need someone to talk to. I had no one. I was very alone and in a dark place. People need to realize the signs of depression because it can be so bad that the person will kill themselves and "oh my how." If they're young enough, a judge needs to talk to the teen about home life without the parents present. Living with my mom was so bad and she thinks she was great. Living with my dad would have been just as bad but my grandma- mom's mom asked her if I could live with her. Something needs to be done about parents’ power trips as well.

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This Unloved Feeling I Had Made Me Receptive to the Gospel

4 minute read.

This story was written by Billie White at 25 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 15. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

My parents were married for a little over 20 years. Their relationship was extremely unhealthy even before the divorce. The counselor assigned to our family during the divorce reconnected with my mom 10 years later and she mentioned my dad was “no doubt abusive. It was by the book.”

My dad, married for less than a year to a woman before my mom, had separated from my mom once (possibly more) during their marriage before he found a woman who he says he loves. He married her 6 months after the divorce of my parents was finalized.

During the divorce, my dad controlled my brother and me to make us do what he wanted like move to a different town and school. He forbade us to talk to our mom. We were also told to find somewhere else to stay for a while. We jumped from friend’s house to friend’s house for about 2 weeks. We had a third party who was able to be a moderator for us, helping us see that we needed to respond to the attempted contacts from my mom. We did. This was the start of my healing process by standing up to my dad.

In short, during the divorce, I simultaneously started on a destructive path as well as connecting with my play director (a pastor’s wife), which is a huge story leading to my salvation.

I initially didn’t think the divorce affected me because I was told it wouldn’t affect me because I “was older”. I’ve since found as I get older and more mature as a Christian that it is harder because I understand what happened and how people should strive to be like Christ. I had to process and grieve it all over again. My husband and I have 2 kids, and my parents having grandchildren has completely changed the situation as well.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I felt alone and unloved, but I felt that even when my parents were married. At 8 years old, I wrote in a journal a conversation between my brother and I. We knew our parents would get divorced. We expected them to divorce after we graduated high school.

This unloved feeling I had made me so receptive to the Gospel.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

As a teen, it allowed me to make my own decisions - good and bad. I chose to go to a Christian university 780 miles away, and that was the second-best decision I’ve ever made, the first being to follow Jesus. As a young adult, I had the space to learn what Christianity is and who Jesus is. I was raised in a “no religion/politics” household. I had a lot to learn and unlearn from my childhood.

As a married woman with 2 children, it has really shown me how evil divorce is. I understood the weight of my parents’ decision as my mom didn’t want the divorce.

Having children has made it more difficult for me because I wrestle with the balance of keeping space between my family (mainly my dad) for my mental state while also honoring him as my father who did do good in my life. I’ve recently been focusing on how my dad, specifically, is a person (made in the Image of God) instead of focusing (and being filled with anxiety) on my dad being my dad.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Focus on what is true: I feel ___. I am ___. Allow yourself to have emotions. Having a community in some way: to God, a person, even journaling. I was advised by the school counselor (whom I only saw 1 time because my dad found out and threatened everyone) to write what I was feeling down and make sure no one found it. That saved my life, I’m sure. I was starting to be suicidal, in thought. It also helped me process through my emotions as I went back and read it years later. I showed it to my best friend and my husband. It helped them to understand what I was feeling and how it affected me.

What do you think needs to be done to help teens and young adults from divorced and separated families?

First, we all need Jesus. We also need the church. The question is how exactly do we do that? They need a safe place to belong. I had to sneak out of my house to go to youth group once a week.

I think adult children of divorce need practical advice and examples of a “healthy” life. Being a Christian, I am unlearning many toxic behaviors that caused my parent’s divorce.

We need to know how to live a holy (Christ-like) life to ultimately give glory to God, and then raise our kids up in a way that they may follow Jesus, too. What does it look like to maneuver today’s world and our roles as adults, spouses, and parents, as Christians? That is what I was looking for when I found this podcast.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

My Parents’ Divorces Changed Me

3 minute read.

This story was written by Victoria Garcia at 39 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 3. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My parents were divorced when I was 3. Both of my parents remarried. I lived with my father and my sister went with my mother. My dad remarried when I was four. When my second mother was 7 months pregnant with my brother and I was so excited to be a big sister. My dad told the two of us that we had two days to spend together and that he was leaving my mom. My dad flew me out to a different state to live with my grandparents for a year while he flew to another state and set up a life with his new girlfriend. He came and got me after a year. My dad and his new girlfriend remarried when I was 10 years old. I did not have any contact with my second mom or brother for the next 12 years. I remember being confused in school because I had gone through three different schools, three different states, in three different households in like a year and a half. I look back now and I’m devastated at how it all happened. I very much had empathy with my dad because his parents were both married two or three times each; as I have become a parent, I’m just now realizing the effects that had on me and that I have feelings too and they were valid, though at the time they were not. My dad was like my best friend during his second marriage, and when I came to live with him and his new girlfriend, he was a completely different person.

School was a struggle. My new stepmom had me go through ADHD stuff and I had this obsession with boys and wanting to be married and be a mom and a wife. I was also molested at seven years old during my dad’s second marriage by a friend’s older sister and I did not tell anybody. That led me into a life of masturbation. At 16 years old I got pregnant at my first sexual encounter and had an abortion because I thought my parents would kick me out of the house. As you could imagine that devastated me and put me in a downward spiral because I just wanted to be a mom and a wife. I was engaged two separate times and married once for eight years. With my ex-husband, between the two of us, we had 11 parents and I just wanted to make it work. I only wanted to be married one time. Well, that ended in 2021. I knew that my parents’ divorces changed me, but it wasn’t until I listened to the restored podcast that I felt validated! I listened to the first podcast and streams of tears rolled down my eyes because I do not know anybody else who has had three sets of marriages by 10. I always felt like an outcast. I always felt like the black sheep and I grew up to be the black sheep; drug addictions, alcohol abuse, unhealthy relationships, you name it…that was me.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I was pretty lost when I moved back with my dad and his new girlfriend. I felt out of place, alone, and probably confused. I honestly don’t remember my dad or his new girlfriend/my new mom(mom#3 if you’re counting) ever talking to me about what happened; I was never offered counseling.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

Not feeling heard, valued, or worthy of love. Not knowing what a relationship is supposed to look like, never sharing my feelings, and more.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Look to God. Find a family member that hears you, a mentor. Share your feelings.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

Divorce Caused Emotional Barriers

2 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous woman at 52 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 15. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My parents were very young when they got married. As a matter of fact, the reason they married, from what I was told, was because my mother got pregnant with me. It was brought to my attention that my father really liked someone else at the time, but decided not to pursue the relationship due to my mother being pregnant. My parents then married and stayed married for 16 years. During those 16 years, there were many trials and tribulations. From what I was told by a family member, they appeared to have started out with a pretty good marriage but after 3 years things started to change. They basically started many arguments and fights, and it grew more and more over the years until finally one day my father couldn't take it anymore, and finally decided to leave my mother.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE Her FEEL

At the time, I was somewhat relieved because I got tired of them arguing.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

Well, I think it has caused some emotional barriers. I then got pregnant at the age of 19 and had my first child at age 20, and married, but due to being so young and a college dropout after I got pregnant we decided to get married shortly after my first child was born. In that union came two more children, and the stress of being a new mother, and young wife started to cave in on me. It was when I discovered I was pregnant with my third child and the stress of being a mother that this was not for me. I began to get very depressed and after the third child was born I went into severe postpartum depression and had to be hospitalized for this. I felt so guilty for going into this state. I felt as if I failed at being a mother. I began to feel that I should have had better control of my emotions, and that if other women who had far more kids that they were raising could handle them why couldn't I? But I suddenly felt a sense that this was not for me, and later my ex-husband at the time decided to separate from me. However, the two oldest daughters he took from me, but I ended up raising the baby, but still got to see my other children.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

I would say it is wise to seek counseling.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.