You Are Not Your Broken Family
4 minute read.
This story was written by Anonymous at 26 years old. Her parents divorced before she was 20. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
HER STORY
Both my mom and my dad came from very broken families. The two of them being together was a perfect storm in many ways. They both desired to be better than the families they came from (especially my mom), but they really didn't have the tools to do so. My dad is a functioning alcoholic and had an awful temper growing up. My mom had depression and anxiety/paranoia. They fought often and the household atmosphere was very tense. It was almost like my parents were already emotionally divorced my whole life.
I was 20 and about to enter my senior year of college when my mom came into my room one night to tell me she was going to divorce my dad. My memory is extremely foggy (I'm sure because I was so stressed), but after that, I remember both of my parents sitting down with me and my five younger siblings to officially tell all of us that they were divorcing. At first, they decided to keep all of us in our house and rotate which parent would be with us. After a couple years of that, my sister, brother, and I moved out, so my parents sold that house and my three remaining siblings went back and forth between my dad's new house and my mom's apartment.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
I remember breaking down after my mom left my room that night. I sobbed and immediately prayed to the Blessed Mother. I remember feeling a heavy burden on my heart and on my shoulders. I felt abandoned and alone. I knew I was going to be the sole comforter and emotional support for my younger siblings as our parents went through with the divorce. Growing up I had already created a habit of taking on family’s problems that weren't mine to bear. That (with many other maladaptive behaviors/thought patterns) majorly intensified after the divorce. I was extremely stressed all the time and I was grasping at the people in my life for the support I needed.
HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER
It's impacted me in countless ways. When I listen to your podcast episodes, there are so so many things I relate to. I would say that fear has been the biggest factor in affecting my daily life. I was already an anxious person, and then the divorce was just the cherry on top. My brain would constantly race, thinking about my siblings and my parents, worrying that something awful was going to happen to someone. I would catastrophize and then imagine how to prepare for each theoretical, terrible situation. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Friendships and relationships felt overwhelming because my family was a heavy weight. Now as a little bit older adult, I still struggle with those things. Praise God, this past year is kind of the first in my life where my family is relatively stable and it's not necessary for me to be their first line of defense in any given emergency, so to speak. I've been in therapy and able to focus on rewiring these defense mechanisms I don't need. But it is very difficult and very exhausting work.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
First and foremost, you are not your broken family. Instead of operating out of a false identity or no identity at all, live from the truth that you are still a beloved daughter or beloved son. That is how we break the cycle of our parents' divorce and unhealthy family dynamics. I know I felt torn and broken, but the truth is you are still whole and you will be okay. You have the ability to choose what your present and future will look like. You can absolutely do these hard things even when you feel worn down and tired. Lastly, find good, solid people and surround yourself with them. Fill your life with people you aspire to imitate, especially happily married couples.
WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?
Support, support, support. We need mentors more than anything, I think. Someone to listen to us and who knows what it's like to be where we've been. We need healthy relationships with people who can show us how to live good lives and how to build holy families. Just like anything else, early intervention is key. We need those mentors as soon as possible after we experience divorce and separation. I think the longer we live with that gaping hole in our hearts without examples of love and support, the more damage is done and the longer it takes to heal.
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