This Unloved Feeling I Had Made Me Receptive to the Gospel
4 minute read.
This story was written by Billie White at 25 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 15. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
Her STORY
My parents were married for a little over 20 years. Their relationship was extremely unhealthy even before the divorce. The counselor assigned to our family during the divorce reconnected with my mom 10 years later and she mentioned my dad was “no doubt abusive. It was by the book.”
My dad, married for less than a year to a woman before my mom, had separated from my mom once (possibly more) during their marriage before he found a woman who he says he loves. He married her 6 months after the divorce of my parents was finalized.
During the divorce, my dad controlled my brother and me to make us do what he wanted like move to a different town and school. He forbade us to talk to our mom. We were also told to find somewhere else to stay for a while. We jumped from friend’s house to friend’s house for about 2 weeks. We had a third party who was able to be a moderator for us, helping us see that we needed to respond to the attempted contacts from my mom. We did. This was the start of my healing process by standing up to my dad.
In short, during the divorce, I simultaneously started on a destructive path as well as connecting with my play director (a pastor’s wife), which is a huge story leading to my salvation.
I initially didn’t think the divorce affected me because I was told it wouldn’t affect me because I “was older”. I’ve since found as I get older and more mature as a Christian that it is harder because I understand what happened and how people should strive to be like Christ. I had to process and grieve it all over again. My husband and I have 2 kids, and my parents having grandchildren has completely changed the situation as well.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
I felt alone and unloved, but I felt that even when my parents were married. At 8 years old, I wrote in a journal a conversation between my brother and I. We knew our parents would get divorced. We expected them to divorce after we graduated high school.
This unloved feeling I had made me so receptive to the Gospel.
HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER
As a teen, it allowed me to make my own decisions - good and bad. I chose to go to a Christian university 780 miles away, and that was the second-best decision I’ve ever made, the first being to follow Jesus. As a young adult, I had the space to learn what Christianity is and who Jesus is. I was raised in a “no religion/politics” household. I had a lot to learn and unlearn from my childhood.
As a married woman with 2 children, it has really shown me how evil divorce is. I understood the weight of my parents’ decision as my mom didn’t want the divorce.
Having children has made it more difficult for me because I wrestle with the balance of keeping space between my family (mainly my dad) for my mental state while also honoring him as my father who did do good in my life. I’ve recently been focusing on how my dad, specifically, is a person (made in the Image of God) instead of focusing (and being filled with anxiety) on my dad being my dad.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
Focus on what is true: I feel ___. I am ___. Allow yourself to have emotions. Having a community in some way: to God, a person, even journaling. I was advised by the school counselor (whom I only saw 1 time because my dad found out and threatened everyone) to write what I was feeling down and make sure no one found it. That saved my life, I’m sure. I was starting to be suicidal, in thought. It also helped me process through my emotions as I went back and read it years later. I showed it to my best friend and my husband. It helped them to understand what I was feeling and how it affected me.
What do you think needs to be done to help teens and young adults from divorced and separated families?
First, we all need Jesus. We also need the church. The question is how exactly do we do that? They need a safe place to belong. I had to sneak out of my house to go to youth group once a week.
I think adult children of divorce need practical advice and examples of a “healthy” life. Being a Christian, I am unlearning many toxic behaviors that caused my parent’s divorce.
We need to know how to live a holy (Christ-like) life to ultimately give glory to God, and then raise our kids up in a way that they may follow Jesus, too. What does it look like to maneuver today’s world and our roles as adults, spouses, and parents, as Christians? That is what I was looking for when I found this podcast.
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