My Self-Worth Was Non-Existent
3 minute read.
This story was written by Anonymous at 29 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 10. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
HER STORY
One day, my mum just told me that my dad didn’t love her anymore. I think he had a new woman. I was the youngest of 4 — two older brothers and one older sister. There was a 6-year age gap between me and them, so they decided they would move out to not face choosing mum or dad. I had no choice. I had to go with mum and we moved so many times after that. Eventually, we ended up back in the home-house for financial reasons, sharing it with my sister and her family. My dad moved out.
I didn’t deal with any of this until my recent conversion to the faith about 1.5 years ago. I spent my teens and most of my twenties making awful decisions and endangering my life. I have never spoken to my mum or dad about the divorce, or any of my siblings. It’s often made light of in conversation, or a few drunk moments have led to a teary eye, but there has never been a real emotional conversation about it or the effects it’s had on us. I felt and still feel totally abandoned by my whole family, except my mum. But it wasn’t easy living with just her either. I was so troublesome and she had been through so much, we just clashed all the time. She brought a few different men into my life, too, which was weird and uncomfortable.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
As a child, I’m not quite sure. I think I was numb. I didn’t understand. I remember crying a lot in bed on my own. I didn’t really tell anyone I was sad. I thought it was normal. The way my mum told me led me to believe people can just stop loving you. It made my self-worth non-existent. I’m only now finding a bit of self-worth in my vocation as a mother. Only by the Grace of God; He is showing me who I really am. I have terrible abandonment issues.
HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER
I acted so badly in school. Craved attention so much. Wanted to be popular so badly. Drank a lot. Ended up with a bad crowd and did a lot of drugs.
Had some anger issues. Really just lost.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
Talk to someone about it. Talk to God about it. Jesus loves you and is there for you. Do what is right for you and not for everyone else.
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