When It Hit Me, I Collapsed

6-minute read.

This story was written by Michael at 37 years old. His parents divorced when he was 17. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

HIS STORY

It feels like it was only yesterday when my much older sister and brother-in-law came over to my parents’ house, where I was living at the time. It was a cold winter Friday night, and I was home alone. Unknown to me, they had begun to suspect that my mother was having an affair, prompted by changes in her behavior that had raised alarms for them. I, however, was living in my own bubble. I believed my parents were fine. They argued from time to time, sure, but I saw no serious red flags—nothing that suggested something was fundamentally wrong.

My parents never really went on dates or took vacations together, but they lived for us kids. My dad was, and still is, a great father. Looking back now, though, I can see that he may have prioritized us over my mom for too long and they lost that emotional connection along the way.

That night, my sister and brother-in-law slowly walked down the basement stairs and turned right at the bottom, entering my mom’s office—the “computer room,” as we called it, since it was the only place in the house with a computer. I followed close behind, confused and unaware of what was unfolding. My sister turned on the PC and opened my mom’s email. Moments later, she told me not to come into the room. I looked anyway—and I wish I hadn’t.

What I saw were personal email exchanges between my mother and another man. In that instant, my sister’s worst fears were confirmed. My mom was having an affair.

As the realization hit me, my body gave out. I collapsed onto the floor without meaning to. What followed felt like an out-of-body experience—a complete dissociation from reality. My world shattered in an instant, the illusion I’d been living in breaking into a million pieces. It marked the end of my innocence.

That night, I stayed with my sister and brother-in-law. At the time, I was on the varsity wrestling team in high school and had a major tournament the next day. Wrestling had been my sport for eight years, and I was at my best. But after everything that had happened, I was in no mental state to compete. I called in sick—and I never stepped onto a wrestling mat again.

The days and months that followed blurred together. Despite every effort I made to reconcile my parents and hold the family together, it was already over. My dad did everything he could to save the marriage, but my mom had already checked out. Eventually, my dad moved into his own apartment, sinking into a deep depression. Not long after—and before my 18th birthday—the man my mom had been having the affair with moved in.

My mom eventually married this man, and just like that, I had a stepdad. It took years—far longer than I ever expected—but with time, I found a way to forgive both him and my mom for what they had done. Today, my stepdad and I have a great relationship and have come to love him. I don't think this would have been possible without my deep Christian faith.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

At first, I felt numb and deeply confused. Then came the shame and embarrassment, followed by a burning anger toward the man who broke up my parents’ marriage. I often lashed out at friends and felt humiliated to now be part of the group of kids at school whose parents were no longer together. I felt completely alone and never really spoke to anyone about the trauma I was carrying.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HIM

A deep fear of commitment and anger towards the sacrament of marriage. It eventually led to sexual brokenness, drinking, and addiction later in my twenties. After college, I searched for companionship and love in all the wrong places. I was unable to sustain healthy relationships and carried deep, unresolved emotional wounds into each one.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

You are not alone, and there is hope. At the time, I felt completely isolated, with no real understanding of the depth of the damage and trauma that had occurred. Had I known then how profoundly it would affect my own relationships, I would have sought healing much sooner.

If your parents have recently separated or divorced, there are now so many resources available to help begin the healing journey. Restored Ministry is an excellent place to start. I was genuinely surprised to learn how closely my own story mirrored the experiences of so many others who had endured similar trauma.

I am still healing and learning, but I know this: because of what I went through, I am a stronger person and a better husband and father to my wife and children today. I have a far deeper understanding of marriage than I ever did before, and I believe that God can—and will—make all things new.

Finally, I’ve learned that healing is not possible without forgiveness. Early on, forgiving my stepdad felt like a betrayal of my dad, but I eventually realized that this belief was a lie. As difficult as it can be, forgiveness is freeing in ways I never imagined.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

There needs to be far more awareness of the impact divorce and separation have on teens and young adults. I only stumbled upon Restored Ministry a few years ago, and it has been an incredible blessing in my healing and understanding.

I would love to see support for this issue become more mainstream—things like college campus organizations and peer groups specifically for adult children of divorce. So many of us carry this pain silently, and having accessible, visible communities could make a profound difference in the healing journey.

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