Teaching “Divorce is About Your Happiness” Needs to Stop
7-minute read.
This story was written by Celeste T. at 25 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 18. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
HER STORY
We were missionaries on full-time support in a very conservative evangelical culture. Between homeschooling and missions, we were very isolated spiritually and relationally from other Christians. I am the oldest daughter with one older brother and six younger siblings. My dad had a sudden spiritual awakening when I was about 14 and became a Christian, despite having claimed to be a believer for his whole life. This change prompted him to confess to my mom that he'd been addicted to pornography for their whole marriage. My mom felt that he'd already been doing such a poor job as a loving husband that his renewed efforts at romance could never be enough to make up for the emotional deficit in their marriage.
At various times, one or the other wanted to try therapy; unfortunately, this was not helpful to them as the therapist tended to side with one or the other. And most of the time, one of them didn't really want to be there. It felt like they tried every Christian marriage book, blog, and "love dare" challenge. My mom revealed to my dad at some point during this time that she'd had an affair within the first two years of their marriage. My dad was taken over by depression and was unable to get out of bed for a period of time.
At this time, the Christian evangelical homeschooling community was being rocked by various leaders and families’ sexual sin. Then, my mom had another affair with our propane salesman. My mom continued to manipulate and verbally/physically abuse me and my siblings and my dad; a pattern that only worsened throughout my teen years. My dad, although physically larger and stronger than my mom, was very passive in the situation. My role in the situation was to be cheerful to balance out the widespread depression in our household, to keep the inner collapse a secret from everyone who knew us, to keep various siblings from abusing each other, to keep my siblings safe from mom, and to somehow help mom and dad come to a middle ground. When I was 18, my mom moved out of the house a few weeks before I left the state to go to college. My siblings were in a 50/50 custody situation while I watched the collapse from afar. They divorced about a year later; our supporting churches dropped financial support and my parents re-entered the secular workforce.
At this time, my dad has remarried and my mom is considering marriage to the second man she had an affair with.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
Initially, when my parents overshared the affair and porn addiction details with me, I agreed with them, "Yeah, it sounds like it's best if you just divorce," feeling relief. I had panic attacks most nights throughout those high school years and struggled with continual anxiety (although I didn't have a name for it and believed it to be completely separate from the marriage struggles). My siblings have always been the sore spot for me; my parents could hurt ME as much as they wanted with their choices, but I watched each sibling struggle with depression, suicidal ideation, and even just the back and forth of custody and beginning public school. This was when I would be outraged and angry at my parents. I felt helpless to actually make a difference because my own heart and mind were so unhealthy that I couldn't move back home.
I felt tremendous guilt for leaving them behind, always worrying that someone would kill themselves. At the end of the day, there's just a place of pity for my parents; I truly believe if they ever knew how negatively they've destroyed the lives of their children, they wouldn't be able to live with the knowledge. I pity them for the level of self-deception and victimhood that blinds them; I pity them for their broken relationships with their children; I pity my mom for the insecurity that keeps her from healthy relationships with men.
HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER
The biggest impact is in my relationship with God. If marriage is supposed to represent Christ's love for the church, what does divorce teach a young believer? I still struggle to accept that God is not passive (like my dad), and that His love is purely unconditional. It resulted in long years of personal isolation before I actually made friends that I could talk to about it all.
I was very avoidant of close relationships. Dating feels like hell, and although I long for a healthy marriage, I feel like I've been stunted in my growth towards that goal. My trust and respect for my parents is completely destroyed as I've had to be the third parent, because our actual parents won't step up in a meaningful way in my siblings' lives. It has made me a thousand times more loyal to my siblings than I ever would've expected, especially since I remember most of those years and they remember very little. I feel like I'm holding the family memory, since their trauma keeps them from remembering much. I think most of my siblings would feel the same way: "You can trash-talk or hurt or manipulate me all you want, but as soon as you bring my sibling into it, this conversation is OVER and I'll stand up to you on their behalf."
Lastly, it's harmed my relationships with my extended family because I've never been sure if their care is just a ploy to gather insider information on the situation. This is very isolating.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
Lament to God about this terrible situation; use the sad psalms or write your own grief prayers. Write down how it's affected you. Find friends who are removed from the situation to talk to. Seek growth and change and healing, be SO intentional about it. Don't freak out when you think you're becoming your parents; focus instead on what you DO want to become. And if you're leaving little siblings behind... know that we don't get to choose when our chance for escape comes. We have to take it when it comes, because you don't know if you'll get the chance to get out and heal again. Unfortunately, it rarely happens at the same time as your siblings' chance. This is awful. You can't change that. You CAN work hard to heal and establish yourself and thrive so that when your siblings' chance comes, you'll be waiting to help them; whether that's saving a room for them in your apartment or having a car to drive them away, or learning how adult life works so you can teach them how to function.
WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?
The teachings that "children are resilient" and "divorce is about your happiness" that we give to adults who are considering divorce needs to stop. The relationship decision may not be "about the kids" but they are collateral damage of the lose-lose choices these parents are making. Children survive because of the providence of God, and any healing they find afterwards is in spite of their parents' decisions. Healthy families within the church need to practice hospitality and welcome in those isolated children of divorce... this has been so refreshing and healing in my own life to have the body of Christ become my family.
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