Is It My Fault My Parents Have an Unhappy Marriage?
10-minute read.
A few years ago, singer RaeLynn released a song called ‘Love Triangle.’ It wasn’t what you expected from a song with that title written by a twenty-something country star. It wasn’t a ballad about unrequited love or some other dysfunctional romantic relationship. It was about her relationship with her parents and her experience growing up in a broken home.
At the crux of the song, RaeLynn makes the point that some parents “Let their heart strings tear and tangle / And some of us get stuck / Some of us grow up / In a love triangle.”
This is a perfect depiction of what children from broken families experience, especially if their parents were always fighting and had an unhappy marriage.
What It Feels Like to Grow Up Around Parents with an Unhappy Marriage
Imagine one of the Tom Cruise-esque movies where there’s a bomb about to go off and the hero has 10 seconds to save the day before everything (including his stunning romantic interest) gets blown up. You feel mounting tension bordering panic as you watch him overcome obstacle after obstacle to achieve this seemingly impossible feat.
Now imagine this is the whole movie. No happy ending, no comedic relief, no riding off into the sunset in an expensive convertible; just mounting tension, stress, and fear. This is what it’s like to grow up with parents in an unhappy marriage.
Children with parents who are always fighting live in a state of high alert. It is almost impossible for them to feel at ease, safe, and relaxed at home because they are hypervigilant for the next moment of strife between their parents. If you live or lived in a household with parents that were always fighting, you may have experienced (or still experience):
Feeling caught in the middle and pressured to take sides
Fear that anything you might say or do could stir up another argument
High levels of stress when you hear your parents fighting
Feeling like it is your responsibility to keep your parents happy and at peace
Loneliness in your stress and sadness because you can’t confide in your parents
A lack of stability and safety
Fear of conflict in general
A tendency to people-please at whatever cost
Feeling helpless about a problem you can’t fix
All of these effects that stem from an unhappy marriage can result in serious childhood trauma as well as broken relationships between parents and their children. If this is you, I hope you will consider taking time to reflect on how your parents’ unhappy marriage has affected you. Whether it’s by yourself with a journal or with a trusted therapist. The act of simply facing the trauma you have experienced and how it affects you can be hugely beneficial.
When Your Parents Are Always Fighting and You Can't Fix It
Witnessing problems we can’t solve can be incredibly painful, especially when they involve people we love. When parents are unhappy, children often feel a responsibility to fix the problem and possibly even at fault for the unhappiness itself.
Carrying around this guilt and helplessness is a heavy burden. It is also very stressful. It can be tempting for children who witness their parents fighting to desperately search for ways to resolve the tension. When they are unable to do so, they become consumed by feelings of helplessness and guilt, sometimes leading to despondency.
A key principle that we try to instill in our audience here at Restored is this: it’s not your fault.
Your parents’ unhappy marriage, marital strife and whatever may come as a result of that is quite simply out of your control. Furthermore, you cannot fix the problems your parents face as a result of their unhappy marriage. As unpleasant and difficult and painful as it is to have parents that are always fighting, it is not something you can resolve.
This reality can instill feelings of helplessness and hopelessness in children from broken families, but there are coping mechanisms you can use to help stay in a more positive state of mind and to prevent your parents’ unhappy marriage from consuming you. For example:
If your parents are in a heated argument, consider going for a walk or run to remove yourself from the environment.
Take up an activity that brings you joy and fulfillment such as a sport, dance, painting, or cooking.
Surround yourself with a good group of friends who can support you. If you’re not sure where to start, check out your parish youth group.
Try to find a positive role model of marriage in your life, whether that be a friend’s parents or another couple in your community. Spending time with people in healthy relationships will instill hope about marriage and family life.
Overcoming Childhood Trauma Begins With Letting Go of Blame
Growing up in a broken home with parents that were always fighting can affect children for the rest of their lives. The constant state of tension and witnessing their parents hurt each other verbally and sometimes even physically is understandably traumatic.
Children who grew up in this type of environment may experience intense fear of conflict, anxiety about relationships, feelings of helplessness, guilt about matters beyond their control, and a desire to always keep everyone else happy at any cost.
These types of symptoms that can result from growing up in a broken family need to be addressed. But how does one overcome this type of childhood trauma? The first, most essential step is to let go of blame.
It is challenging for children from broken families to let go of responsibility for their parents’ conflicts and unhappy marriage. For one thing, you may not even realize that you have internalized guilt about your parents’ relationship. You may intellectually understand that it wasn’t your fault, but still carry around guilt that surfaces when triggered. Secondly, these feelings of responsibility may be so deeply ingrained that letting go of them almost feels like you’re doing something wrong.
Accepting that you cannot control your parents and that you are not to blame for their unhappy marriage is an essential first step to finding healing and overcoming childhood trauma. This guilt will continue to weigh you down until you do the work to release it. If you’re not sure how to do this, you can simply start by journaling about it. It also might be worth seeking professional help. Additionally, you can get a copy of our book, It’s Not Your Fault: A Practical Guide to Navigating the Pain and Problems from Your Parent’s Divorce.
Healing a Broken Relationship With Parents Takes Time and Grace
Growing up with parents who are always fighting often leads to a broken relationship between the parents and their children. Children may want to distance themselves from their parents and all the unpleasant, difficult, tense moments. They may try to avoid closeness with either parent to avoid getting stuck in the ‘love triangle’ that is their parents’ unhappy marriage.
This type of estrangement often happens in broken families but does not have to be permanent. With appropriate boundaries, a healthy, loving relationship can almost always be restored between the children and their parents. However, healing can only happen when you as the child have worked to understand the ways in which your parents’ unhappy marriage has affected and let go of any responsibility you may feel for their problems. It also requires you to begin the hard work of forgiveness of your parents for the hurt they have caused.
This takes time and grace. You can’t expect to restore a broken relationship with your parents in a week. It may take years. It also takes the grace of God, especially to forgive your parents. With continual reflection, prayer, and the establishment of healthy boundaries, healing is absolutely possible.
If you take away anything from this article we hope it’s this: it is not your fault your parents had or have an unhappy marriage. Nobody is perfect, but even the ‘perfect’ child could not fix their parents’ relationship, because the problem is simply not about them. You have no responsibility or even the capacity to fix your parents’ marital problems.
If you feel stuck in a ‘love triangle’, caught between two opposing sides, or a simply not sure where to start with your healing journey, we’re here to help. Check out the Restored podcast, blog, or purchase a copy of our book, It’s Not Your Fault.
You’re not doomed to repeat your parents' mistakes and you don’t have to suffer the consequences of your parents’ broken marriage on your own, check out our website or follow us on social media to find out more about how we can support you.
