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Restored 7/1/25 Restored 7/1/25

What Can I Do If I Feel My Parents Didn't Love Me?

If you’ve ever thought "my parents didn't love me", and wondered what that says about you, this post speaks the truth and shows what comes next.

7-minute read.

To love and be loved: that’s what we were made for, right? And who better to teach us what that looks like than our parents?

Unfortunately, that’s not the case for everyone.

The hard truth is that parents are people too. And people are, well, human. And humans are liable to make mistakes—sometimes really big ones. (Just open the Bible to page one for Exhibit A.)

Even parents who give their absolute best to their children fall short—it’s part of that whole ‘human’ thing mentioned above. Whether it’s losing their temper or missing a dance recital, or working longer hours than necessary, disappointment is inevitable. Sometimes, the way our parents fall short isn’t just disappointing—it’s devastating.

What It Really Felt Like Thinking My Parents Didn't Love Me

Children from broken families are liable to suffer emotional neglect: a lack of love and attention from their parents.

Going through a divorce is time-consuming, heartbreaking, and completely life-changing. In the midst of it all, some parents may be so compromised that they drop the ball in one of the most important responsibilities of their lives: loving their children.

Furthermore, divorce can be accompanied by (or possibly caused by) things like mental illness, infidelity, and significant financial losses. All of this, too, can contribute to parents becoming consumed by their own suffering at the cost of the well-being of their children.

If this has been your experience, I want to first and foremost say: I’m so sorry. It seems almost unnecessary to say (but it isn’t): this is not okay, and it should not be this way.

Maybe you want to justify your parents’ behavior or find a way to make it okay. It can be extremely difficult to admit that our parents hurt us or that they messed up. But it happens. And bringing that to light doesn’t mean you have to vilify them or that the parent-child relationship is forever broken.

In fact, admitting your parents made a mistake is the first step to forgiveness and healing. You can overcome parental rejection, but not until you first admit that it happened.

This first step can be incredibly difficult. It means facing hurt, anger, grief, and loss that you possibly haven’t experienced or thought about in years. It’s heartbreaking and overwhelming.

You may also feel guilty blaming your parents—this is normal. When you love someone, it can feel easier to pretend they never hurt you and instead blame yourself rather than facing the painful reality that someone you care about so much hurt you so deeply.

The thought “my parents didn’t love me” is one of the most painful things a child can experience. If this is where you are, give yourself the grace to experience the loss and the pain that accompany this feeling. Consider journaling what you are experiencing or speaking to a trusted mentor about it. It may also help when you are feeling overwhelmed to go for a walk. You can find more strategies for handling difficult emotions in our book, It’s Not Your Fault.

The thought “my parents didn’t love me” and the experience of parental rejection can also affect your identity for years and years to come. We’ll talk about that next.

How a Broken Parent-Child Relationship Shapes Your Identity

Wounds that arise from those formative relationships (such as with our parents) can be some of the deepest and the most challenging to heal.

If you grew up believing, “My parents didn’t love me”, it likely played a role in shaping how you see yourself and how you see the world. The parent-child relationship is crucial to feeling loved and secure; therefore, when there is emotional neglect, significant damage takes place in our understanding of love, trust, and self-worth.

Here are some examples of what can happen if you feel unloved by your parents:

You see yourself as inherently unlovable and unworthy of love
You blame yourself for the neglect that you experienced because you think something is wrong with you
You think a successful romantic relationship is impossible for you
You don’t trust others, even those who say they care about you
You feel anxious in relationships, assuming the other person doesn’t truly love you and will leave
You avoid getting close to others because you fear they will realize something is wrong with you and will no longer want anything to do with you
You become a ‘chameleon’, presenting whatever you think others expect or want of you, so that you won’t face more rejection
You avoid taking risks, especially when rejection is a possibility

This list is not comprehensive. The effects of feeling unloved in a parent-child relationship are vast and long-lasting. They essentially shape the way we view ourselves and the world, especially in terms of relationships. It’s like walking on a broken leg that never healed properly; it affects every step you take and holds you back from operating the way you could.

If this sounds like you, don’t worry, overcoming parental rejection and its effects is possible. The first step is understanding what feeling loved actually means.

What Feeling Loved Actually Means When You Never Felt It

One of the biggest aspects of feeling loved is security. Feeling loved means you are not constantly guessing, wondering, or hoping that someone loves you, because you know that they do! Another essential element to feeling loved is feeling seen, in other words, feeling that the other person truly understands you.

Feeling loved means you are not afraid of conflict because you don’t think the relationship is a glass slipper; it can handle friction. Feeling loved means you don’t have a need to prove yourself as good or lovable. It also means that you don’t see every problem in the relationship as your fault.

These are some of the key parts to feeling loved. However, we know that love isn’t a feeling—it’s a choice! It can be easy for children of divorce to conflate warm and fuzzy feelings with love. This means that if warm and fuzzy feelings are absent, you may think that you don’t really love that person or that they don’t love you.

It’s important to recognize that feeling loved doesn’t mean you feel happy 24/7, that there are never any problems in the relationship, or that you never have doubts. Especially for children of divorce, doubts and anxiety can besiege us even in a healthy, loving relationship.

For more guidance on navigating relationships if you are from a broken family, listen to episode #136 of the Restored podcast.

Overcoming Parental Rejection by Finding Unshakable Love

So, how do you go from feeling unloved to feeling loved? How do you overcome parental rejection and all the fallout that comes from a dysfunctional parent-child relationship?

In order to find healing as a child of divorce and overcome thought patterns such as “my parents didn’t love me,” it is essential that you understand this unshakeable truth: you are loved.

You are loved by a love that is complete, unwavering, and unconditional. You are loved by the One who created you and who holds you in existence. You are loved so thoroughly that someone died a torturous death for you.

Understanding and experiencing God’s love can be difficult for children of divorce. Because our model of love is distorted, we often attribute the qualities of our relationship with our parents to our relationship with God.

Understanding and embracing God’s love for you will help reshape your identity as someone who is good and lovable. It will also help you overcome trust issues and see the world in a more positive light. If you struggle to feel God’s love, here are some places to start:

Read Scripture, specifically passages such as Psalm 139, Psalm 103, and the story of Christ’s death and resurrection. Read them slowly and more than once, giving yourself time to truly take in the meaning of what you are reading.
Pray the ‘I Thirst’ prayer by Mother Teresa. If you can pray this in front of the Blessed Sacrament, even better.
Go to Confession and experience the power of God’s mercy and forgiveness.
Meditate on the ways that God has loved you through others and provided for you over the years. Practice gratitude for the blessings you have received over the years, and look for God’s guiding hand in your life, even if you didn’t recognize it at the time.
Seeking a good spiritual director can be helpful to implement these ideas correctly.
This episode of the Restored podcast can help if you are feeling angry toward God, as often happens with children from broken families.

It may take time and repetition, but these strategies can help you to reshape your identity as a beloved child of God. Healing is possible and God wants nothing more than to have a meaningful relationship with you. If you take the first step, He will run the rest of the way.

Final Notes

Growing up feeling unloved by your parents and parental rejection can feel like insurmountable hardships—especially when it comes to experiencing love in our relationship with God and with others. The good news is that to love and be loved is what you were made for, regardless of the trauma you have in your past. Healing is within reach for everyone and the life and love you were meant for are yours for the taking.

Share Your Story

Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored? If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing.

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

Restored 12/12/24 Restored 12/12/24

Holidays with Divorced Parents: Part 3

Navigating the holidays as a child of divorce can be incredibly challenging. Whether it's managing time between parents, dealing with the dynamics of stepfamilies, or battling holiday depression, we’re here to help.

6 minute read.

Navigating the holidays as a child of divorce can be incredibly challenging. From juggling split holiday schedules to coping with feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and family conflict, this season often amplifies emotional stress for teens and young adults from broken families. Whether it's managing time between parents, dealing with the dynamics of stepfamilies, or battling holiday depression, we’re here for you. To help, our holiday articles offer practical tips for not only surviving the holidays, but making them less stressful and more enjoyable.

Tip 4: Communicate the Plan

By far, this is the most difficult tip. A fair amount of you will not complete it. Why? It’s scary and uncomfortable. I get it, I’ve been there. Perhaps you’ve never stood up for yourself like this or you’re unsure how your parents will respond. Just remember that inaction has a cost too. If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. You deserve better.

When communicating, it’s best to do it well ahead of time. Already cutting it close? Don’t worry. Better late than never.

In crafting how you want to communicate, follow the advice of speaker and author Donald Miller. First, figure out what you want to say, such as the main points and order. Then, figure out how you want to say it, such as the words you’ll use and the form of communication.

In figuring out “what” to say, a few tips:

Lead with your intentions, such as affirming that you want to see your parents and spend time with them.
Make sure they know they’re part of the plan.
You have every right to express your feelings to your parents. Be honest and tell them your needs.
Brutal honesty and vulnerability might not give them warm, fuzzy feelings, but hopefully, they’ll respect you for your honesty. And if they don’t, at least you know that you spoke your truth.
Naturally, this assumes you’re in a spot where you have at least a decent relationship with your parents and you can talk to them. Sometimes, that isn’t the case.

In solving “how” to say it, some things to consider:

In-person is best, video or phone is next, then voice memo, and finally, email or text is last. At other times, a letter is most effective.
Start with “I’m reaching out to set expectations and make sure we spend time together.”
Be real by saying things like “I love you, but it can be really hard around the holidays to please you both and not offend you. I need you to understand my decisions, my boundaries, and that the tension in our family makes it difficult to enjoy the holidays.”

If you can’t see both parents, give the reason why, at least in a diplomatic way focusing more on yourself than them, such as “I can’t afford it,” “It’s too exhausting for me right now,” “It’s too much on me (or my family),” or “I need a break this year.”

What if your parent gets upset? Stay calm. Try to display empathy by placing yourself in their shoes, yet keep your boundaries. Keep in mind that your parents are learning to navigate the holidays too, so give them some grace. Then, speak the truth by saying what you’re thinking and feeling.

As part of that conversation, ask good questions. When people make unreasonable requests, FBI Negotiator Chris Voss suggests asking the question, “How am I supposed to do that?” The intent behind the question is to find an answer. But often, the request made is so difficult or impossible that the person who made it feels stumped by the question. You can also ask questions aimed at understanding and empathy, such as “In your mind, what did you expect this year?” or “If you were in my shoes, what would you do if your mom and dad were asking what you are right now?”

Whatever happens, don’t allow someone else to take control of your plan and adapt it at your expense. For example, if you get a request from your dad to attend a party or see him during the time you’re spending with your mom, you can simply point to the plan and remind him of it. Learn from it all too. Don’t feel the need to have the perfect plan or perfectly execute the plan. Instead, look at it as a sort of experiment to find the right balance between your parents. You can then make changes next year based on what you learn. See it also as an opportunity to become a better, stronger person. Think about the lessons you can use in the future, especially to build your own family.

To help, my team and I have developed copy-and-paste templates here to communicate with your parents via text, voice memo, email, phone call, video call, or even a letter.

Tip 5: Enjoy the Holidays

Ironically, forgetting to enjoy the holidays is easier than it sounds. Creating new traditions, especially if you’re married or soon will be, is a great way to reset and redefine the holidays. Serving others, such as the poor or elderly in nursing homes, is another way to break the cycle with selflessness.

If you’re like me, spending time with your friends makes the holidays much more enjoyable too. While it’s good to spend time with your parents, make sure you block out some time to spend time with your friends too. So often, since spending time with both parents separately can be so time-consuming, our other relationships suffer. Do what you can to plan some time with those people that you’d like to see. The extra effort will pay off.

Keep in mind that you might need to lower your expectations for the holidays, unfortunately. Holiday traditions in your family might die because of the divorce. You might not feel the same joy, safety, and security with your parents anymore. That’s hard to swallow. In the midst of that, try to focus on the deeper meaning of the holiday. For example, Christmas is a time to delve into the mindboggling mystery of God becoming a vulnerable, weak, human baby. Don’t let the stress and challenges distract you from things like that.

We wish you a wonderful holiday season. You can download our holiday guide for free below.

Holidays in a divorced or broken family can be stressful and exhausting. But there’s a better way.
Our guide, *5 Tips to Navigate the Holidays in a Broken Family*, helps you:
Avoid people-pleasing and burnout
Manage stress and difficult emotions
Plan time with parents thoughtfully
Set clear, protective boundaries
Make the holidays less stressful and more enjoyable.

Restored 12/3/24 Restored 12/3/24

Holidays with Divorced Parents: Part 2

6 minute read.

Tip 3: Plan Ahead and Set Boundaries with Your Parents

Think of it this way: To stop a fire, you can either fight it as it arises reactively or proactively install sprinklers, smoke detectors, and fire extinguishers. Time with your parents is no different. Making a plan proactively does require some time and effort, but it’s a smart investment that reduces stress, sets expectations, and protects you.

A good plan will naturally include when you’ll see your parents and for how long. It will also set healthy boundaries with your parents, informing them how to treat you. When it comes to the holidays, it’s okay to lay down those rules with your parents. For example, you can tell your dad that you won’t talk to him about your mom, or vice versa. Boundaries communicated in advance also give people the option to opt out of interacting with you, which prevents drama.

By the way, don’t feel guilty for setting boundaries. If you’re not used to this, it might feel mean. That’s not true. Boundaries are a sign of a healthy person. Read that again. Imagine not having boundaries and letting anyone do whatever they want to you. That would be extremely unhealthy and end very badly for you and them. Boundaries aren’t only good for you, but also for your parents. It’ll help you have a healthier relationship with them. If you have kids, make sure to protect them. Don’t sacrifice your kids’ sanity just to please your relatives or parents. Your immediate family is most important now. For more on boundaries, listen to episode 36 of the Restored podcast.

Don’t only set boundaries, but be ready to enforce them. If you tell someone, “This is the boundary,” and they break it, there needs to be consequences. Without them, they’ll ignore your boundaries next time.

As part of your preparation, be ready for the predictable circumstances that will arise, such as a conflict with a specific relative, your dad or mom bringing their new partner to the party, or whatever else. Prepare for how you’ll avoid those situations or how you’ll handle them, such as:

When your dad introduces his new girlfriend, simply say “Hi, I’m Joey.”
When that overbearing relative starts pelting you with questions, say “Sorry, I need to run to the bathroom.”
When your mom starts badmouthing your dad, politely excuse yourself to grab food.

It’s crucial to remember that spending time with one parent is not a betrayal of the other; healthy relationships with both are essential. Many people like us benefit from spending separate days with each parent. By spending Christmas Eve with your dad and Christmas Day with your mom, here are the benefits:

It allows you to focus on each parent without (hopefully) worrying about the other
It gives each parent assurance that they’re going to have uninterrupted time with you
You can avoid burning out

If siblings are part of the equation, include them in the planning process, although the approach may vary depending on the nature of those sibling relationships. Hopefully, you can approach the holidays as a team. To start, create a group chat and start asking good questions to get the discussion going. If things get stuck, make a plan for yourself, share it, and ask them what they think.

Although a good plan is helpful, no plan is perfect. Don’t plan every minute. Also, allow some flexibility in your plan in case things change. A backup plan if things go badly is smart too, such as staying with relatives or friends if the time with your family implodes.

But what if your relationship with your parents is toxic? If it’s to the extent that you can’t see your mom or dad, that’s rough. I’m so sorry. I hate that you’re going through that. In that case, what can you do to experience some sort of community instead of your family? That might look like going to a friend’s house or even having friends over to your place. You’d be surprised by how happy it makes other people to host or receive an invitation during the holidays. Ideally, choose friends or a family that models what it means to be a true and good family—the kind you want for your future.

By the way, if you live at home with one parent, a plan like this is extra difficult. Do what’s within your power to set boundaries. You might be able to spend a little extra time with the parent that doesn’t live at home. In that case, speak with your parent who does live at home, setting that expectation and explaining why you’ll be spending a little more time with your other parent.

To solidify your plan and boundaries, write it down, whether on paper, an app, or a calendar. Feel free to copy this Google Doc schedule template and fill in your details.

Stay tuned for the final post from our holiday guide, or download the whole guide for free below.

Restored 11/13/24 Restored 11/13/24

Holidays with Divorced Parents: Part 1

5 minute read.

Tip 1: Stop Trying to Fix or Please Everyone

The quickest way to misery is trying to please or fix everyone. It’s an impossible task that will always leave you feeling inadequate. It’s not your responsibility to please everyone. It’s not your job to clean up the mess inside your family. It’s not your job to fix your parents or their marriage. You can’t change them or your family. Sure, your influence has its place, but it’s not the same as being in control or responsible. Remember that you can love your parents and still acknowledge that they got themselves into this situation. As such, they need to work through it and deal with the consequences.

Around this time of year especially, your parents or other people might expect you to put on a good face and be happy. That’s not right. You should never have to pretend to be happy in the midst of a difficult situation. Again, you can’t make everyone happy, nor should you try. When you try to make everyone happy, you’ll likely make no one happy and yourself miserable.

Tip 2: Prepare for the Stress and Emotions

Holidays in a broken family can be stressful and emotionally exhausting. Don’t let it surprise you. Expect it. Plan for it. If you don’t, here’s the danger: you might emotionally burn out and do things that you’ll later regret in an attempt to fill your needs. To avoid that, prioritize taking care of yourself. That’s not selfish if it’s aimed at allowing you to love well, treat others with respect, and be virtuous.

Think ahead about the difficult emotions you might feel, perhaps even thinking back to last year if it’s comparable. Have one or two quick ways to calm yourself if you feel anxious, or to experience some joy if you feel down and depressed. For example, in the middle of parties that cause anxiety, don’t hesitate to step away for a breather. Whatever you do, allow yourself to feel your feelings. Work through them. Pay attention to them and learn from them. Ignoring them or stuffing them away only makes things worse. The only way to heal and grow is by moving through those negative and messy emotions.

Your body and your emotions are naturally intertwined. As such, care for your body in these simple ways to feel better physically and emotionally:

Sleep. Sleep at least 7-8 hours per night, according to sleep experts like Dr. Matthew Walker.
Water. Drink half your body weight in ounces (e.g. If you weigh 150 pounds, drink 75 ounces) per day, according to health experts like Shawn Stevenson. Typically, that results in drinking half to a whole gallon per day (roughly 1.75 to 3.75 liters).
Exercise. Move your body, whether through walking, running, biking, bodyweight exercises, or sports. The endorphin release will help you feel better.
Eat. Eat healthy, whole, unprocessed foods to feel your best. Fun facts according to trauma therapist Margaret Vasquez: Eating good quality dark chocolate stimulates the release of endorphins that make you feel better. Similarly, the carbonation in sparkling water stimulates serotonin release which makes you feel happier or better about yourself.

If you’re religious, don’t forget to pray during this time. Not only have experts found it calming, but God can give you strength during difficult times if you ask for help. He sees your pain and wants to be there for you. Know that he doesn’t want it to be this way either. Trust that he’s not finished with you or your family. While divorce or separation is devastating, God can bring good even out of evil. Perhaps you’ll never see that in your family, but you can see it in your own life.

Healthy distractions aren’t bad. If you’re constantly in situations or with people that drain you, you must have ways to revive yourself. For me, quick ways look like:

Listening to music or audiobooks
Playing sports or board games with friends or my family
Watching good movies
Having good conversations with my friends
Walking outside for fresh air
Watching a sunset
Cooking meals, especially for family or friends

While it’s good to have alone time, it can be taken to an unhealthy extreme. Make sure you’re not isolating yourself. If you’ve spent the majority of the holidays on your own, without meaningful conversations with friends in person, on the phone, or even through messaging, you’re likely isolating yourself. If you feel lonely, that’s a sign that you’re isolated. Instead of waiting for someone to rescue you, take action. Invite a friend over or plan to meet up. Whatever the circumstances, decide to keep your calm. In tense moments, remember to take a breath, pause to think, and detach from the intensity of the emotions before you act. By doing that, you’ll make better decisions about what to do next and save yourself from regret.