Holidays with Divorced Parents: Part 2
6 minute read.
Navigating the holidays as a child of divorce can be incredibly challenging. From juggling split holiday schedules to coping with feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and family conflict, this season often amplifies emotional stress for teens and young adults from broken families. Whether it's managing time between parents, dealing with the dynamics of stepfamilies, or battling holiday depression, we’re here for you. To help, our holiday articles offer practical tips for not only surviving the holidays, but making them less stressful and more enjoyable.
Tip 3: Plan Ahead and Set Boundaries with Your Parents
Think of it this way: To stop a fire, you can either fight it as it arises reactively or proactively install sprinklers, smoke detectors, and fire extinguishers. Time with your parents is no different. Making a plan proactively does require some time and effort, but it’s a smart investment that reduces stress, sets expectations, and protects you.
A good plan will naturally include when you’ll see your parents and for how long. It will also set healthy boundaries with your parents, informing them how to treat you. When it comes to the holidays, it’s okay to lay down those rules with your parents. For example, you can tell your dad that you won’t talk to him about your mom, or vice versa. Boundaries communicated in advance also give people the option to opt out of interacting with you, which prevents drama.
By the way, don’t feel guilty for setting boundaries. If you’re not used to this, it might feel mean. That’s not true. Boundaries are a sign of a healthy person. Read that again. Imagine not having boundaries and letting anyone do whatever they want to you. That would be extremely unhealthy and end very badly for you and them. Boundaries aren’t only good for you, but also for your parents. It’ll help you have a healthier relationship with them. If you have kids, make sure to protect them. Don’t sacrifice your kids’ sanity just to please your relatives or parents. Your immediate family is most important now. For more on boundaries, listen to episode 36 of the Restored podcast.
Don’t only set boundaries, but be ready to enforce them. If you tell someone, “This is the boundary,” and they break it, there needs to be consequences. Without them, they’ll ignore your boundaries next time.
As part of your preparation, be ready for the predictable circumstances that will arise, such as a conflict with a specific relative, your dad or mom bringing their new partner to the party, or whatever else. Prepare for how you’ll avoid those situations or how you’ll handle them, such as:
When your dad introduces his new girlfriend, simply say “Hi, I’m Joey.”
When that overbearing relative starts pelting you with questions, say “Sorry, I need to run to the bathroom.”
When your mom starts badmouthing your dad, politely excuse yourself to grab food.
It’s crucial to remember that spending time with one parent is not a betrayal of the other; healthy relationships with both are essential. Many people like us benefit from spending separate days with each parent. By spending Christmas Eve with your dad and Christmas Day with your mom, here are the benefits:
It allows you to focus on each parent without (hopefully) worrying about the other
It gives each parent assurance that they’re going to have uninterrupted time with you
You can avoid burning out
If siblings are part of the equation, include them in the planning process, although the approach may vary depending on the nature of those sibling relationships. Hopefully, you can approach the holidays as a team. To start, create a group chat and start asking good questions to get the discussion going. If things get stuck, make a plan for yourself, share it, and ask them what they think.
Although a good plan is helpful, no plan is perfect. Don’t plan every minute. Also, allow some flexibility in your plan in case things change. A backup plan if things go badly is smart too, such as staying with relatives or friends if the time with your family implodes.
But what if your relationship with your parents is toxic? If it’s to the extent that you can’t see your mom or dad, that’s rough. I’m so sorry. I hate that you’re going through that. In that case, what can you do to experience some sort of community instead of your family? That might look like going to a friend’s house or even having friends over to your place. You’d be surprised by how happy it makes other people to host or receive an invitation during the holidays. Ideally, choose friends or a family that models what it means to be a true and good family—the kind you want for your future.
By the way, if you live at home with one parent, a plan like this is extra difficult. Do what’s within your power to set boundaries. You might be able to spend a little extra time with the parent that doesn’t live at home. In that case, speak with your parent who does live at home, setting that expectation and explaining why you’ll be spending a little more time with your other parent.
To solidify your plan and boundaries, write it down, whether on paper, an app, or a calendar. Feel free to copy this Google Doc schedule template and fill in your details.
Stay tuned for the final post from our holiday guide, or download the whole guide for free below.
Holidays in a divorced or broken family can be stressful and exhausting. But there’s a better way.
Our guide, 5 Tips to Navigate the Holidays in a Broken Family, helps you:
Avoid people-pleasing and burnout
Manage stress and difficult emotions
Plan time with parents thoughtfully
Set clear, protective boundaries
Make the holidays less stressful and more enjoyable.
