#136: Relationship Advice for Young People from Broken Families | Jackie & Bobby Angel
The biggest area of struggle for young people from divorced or broken families is in romantic relationships. Why so much struggle? In short, we were poorly trained in how to love, so we feel incompetent at it and fear repeating our parents’ mistakes.
So, how can you overcome that fear and relearn how to love? My guests answer that question and more:
How do you discern whether a lack of peace in a relationship is because of your brokenness or because the relationship isn’t right?
What topics does a couple need to discuss and agree upon before marriage?
What’s been the most helpful advice you’ve used in handling conflict?
If you’re from a divorced or dysfunctional family and you want to break that cycle and build a beautiful marriage and family, this episode is for you.
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Get the Book or FREE chapters: It’s Not Your Fault
Pretty Good Catholic: How to find, date, and marry someone who shares your faith
How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before and After You Marry
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
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Jackie: So just because someone's perfect on paper doesn't mean they're great for you or they're the person that God's calling you to. Should
Joey: you have a checklist of like qualities you're looking for?
Jackie: I see people make these crazy vanity lists of like, Oh, he has to be six feet tall, make six figures, have a six pack.
I'm like, that's ridiculous. So you have to like the person and be free to be yourself with the person, but you also have to be very attracted to them because there's a lot of love making in marriage.
Joey: What conversations, what topics do you advise couples to have before they. You know, even get engaged.
Jackie: People don't talk about like in marriage, like, Oh, I expect that you're going to cook for me. I expect that you're going to take out the trash.
Joey: What's been the most helpful advice or tactic that you guys have used in
Bobby: your own marriage? I'll say as the introvert, your spouse can't read your mind.
Jackie: Oh,
Bobby: so sometimes you have to be assertive.
Joey: Welcome to the restored podcast. I'm Joey Panarelli. If you come from a divorce or a broken family, this show is for you. We help you heal your brokenness, navigate the challenges and build healthy relationships. You can [00:01:00] break that cycle and build a better life. My guests today are a married couple, Jackie and Bobby Angel.
Jackie and Bobby are Catholic influencers, speakers, and authors who focus on dating, marriage, theology of the body, and so much more, reaching over a million people online. Jackie's been involved in ministry for over 20 years and now homeschools their children. With over 20 years of ministry experience himself, including a decade as a theology teacher, a time as a seminarian, even a time as a firefighter, Bobby is now a trained mentor and teacher.
From the Catholic Psych Institute. You'll hear more about that in the show and together they share their wisdom through speaking engagements, videos, and their podcasts. Now onto the topic of today, the biggest area of struggle for young people who come from divorce and broken families is in romantic relationships.
A 25 year long study from UC Berkeley found that fact, it was all summarized by the way, in a book called the unexpected legacy of divorce, which we'll link to in the show notes. If you want to check that out, why so much struggle in relationships in short, those of us who come from broken families were poorly trained in how to love.
And so we feel [00:02:00] incompetent, might actually be incompetent at it. And we fear repeating our parents mistakes, and so often end up repeating those mistakes in our own relationships, in our lives. And so the question becomes, how can you overcome that fear and relearn how to love? And my guests answer that question so much more.
What are your top three tips to navigate the dating world right now? It's really messy out there. How do you discern whether a lack of peace in your relationship is because of your own brokenness or maybe because the relationship isn't right? What topics does a couple need to discuss and agree upon before marriage and perhaps even before engagement?
What's been the most helpful advice that you've used in handling conflict? And finally, a really neat way that you can do daily mentorship. with Bobby. And so if you come from a divorce or a dysfunctional family and you want to break that cycle and build a beautiful marriage and family now or someday in the future, this episode is for you.
Now, before we dive in, I just want to let you know that in this episode, we do talk about God and faith. And if you don't believe in God, you're totally welcome here. Anyone who's been listening for a while knows that this is not a strictly religious podcast. And so wherever you're at, I'm really glad that you're here.
My challenge for you is this, just listen with an open mind. Even if you're to [00:03:00] skip the God parts, you're still going to get a lot out of this episode. And with that, here's our conversation. Bobby, Jackie, so good to have you guys. Welcome.
Jackie: Thank you. Thanks for having us.
Joey: Yeah, great to be here. I'm excited to talk with you guys.
A lot of questions, so we'll, we'll dive in, but before we get to those questions, get your advice on some things, I have to ask you, otherwise all of our female audience members will kill me. How'd you guys meet? What's your love story?
Jackie: The quickest version is we met at the Theology of the Body Institute.
The first time we met, he was in seminary. I was just like, you know, any, you know, normal girl who sees a very good looking man who's in seminary. You're like, Oh Lord, come on, why do you take all the good looking ones? Um, so what was good about that? It just allowed us to be friends. And a year and a half later, we remet at another theology of the body Institute course in Pennsylvania.
Cause I'm from California. He's from Florida. And, um, At this point, he had been praying, um, just really feeling called out of seminary to marriage and [00:04:00] we jokingly, well, he jokingly says that
Bobby: not so jokingly. Mother Teresa said when you pray, be specific. So I prayed for a sign that was loud and blonde
Jackie: that
Bobby: I could not miss.
Yeah,
Jackie: and it was just very apparent. It was just so good. Interesting how like that week was way different than the first week. It just, it was very apparent, like, whoa, there's something here. And so after that week, you know, he went to a spiritual director. He went to his bishop and he kind of he told his bishop, you know, Bishop, I found the girl I think I want to marry.
And his bishop goes, Well, Bob, we all thought you were a crapshoot for the priesthood anyways.
Well, I think Bobby was just so open with he wasn't. Under any, you know, false pretenses or pretending like, like, Oh, this is like, I don't have any sexual desire or like, I don't have any, you know, I think he was just very open and honest with his spiritual director, his bishop. Like, I don't know if I can do this celibacy.
Like, I feel called to be here at this moment. But so they all kind of knew, like, We're not, we're not counting on, [00:05:00]
Bobby: we're not, we're not surprised.
Jackie: We're not shocked, you know? So, uh, that's kind of the short story. And he, he moved to California a few months later and then proposed a few months later and it was pretty, you know, people say, you know, when you know, and when you're single, you hate that when people say that, but it's kind of true, I feel like, especially when you're in your later twenties, you know yourself really well, it was really like, it was strange.
Like when that week we remet, it was like, Whoa, what? Whoa. Like this is the person. It was very, very quick.
Bobby: Yeah. And that was most of, after most of my twenties, hitting my head against the wall, treating God like a magic eight ball, just tell me what you want me to do. And like when I finally got to a point of surrender.
And letting it all go. It was as if God could finally say, finally, we can get to work and things fell into place very quickly. And yeah, moved out to California. I worked at an all boys school for about 10 years. And now we're in Texas. We've got five crazy kids
Jackie: under [00:06:00] the age of 10. We homeschool. We're crazy.
Bobby: And, uh, yeah, we're happy to be here.
Joey: Yeah, no, I love crazy people. This is awesome. I'm glad we're talking. And, uh, I, uh, no, I'm sure there's a lot we could talk about your story, but it's funny. I know a couple couples who have a similar story where one of the guys was in seminary and then, you know, went down a different path and just turned out of that and then ended up building a beautiful marriage.
So. I'm grateful that, uh, God led you down the path. It is so interesting how he leaves a sound like a path sometimes and it says, just kidding. Like go this way. But there's a purpose for that too. Oh
Jackie: yeah. I'm so grateful for the formation that Bobby had in those years. I kind of wish like every Catholic man had to go through, you know, those kinds of years of formation.
Like Bobby had to take a whole semester on, Like active listening. I'm like, that has been very helpful for marriage. Like
Bobby: it was, it was awful.
Jackie: Every husband, every husband should have to take a course called active listening. Um, and, and really like, I just earned being a nun. And in my heart, I was like, Lord, I could be a nun, but I'm not called to be a nun.
Like I need a guy who could be a priest and is not called to be a priest because I knew like, I'm at this [00:07:00] place in my faith. Like, I don't want to drag along. The guy I'm going to marry, like, we need to be on the same page, and, you know, we need to, I want someone who we're going to run the race to heaven together, and I'm not going to be dragging him along, because I didn't want that for my life, you know, so I'm just grateful for the years he had the friends he made and who are a lot of the reprise now and
Bobby: some who baptized our kids
Jackie: somewhere.
The godfathers of our Children. And yeah, I'm just so I'm grateful for those those years.
Joey: Love it. No, nothing is wasted. I love that. I want to transition into talking about dating. Um, so the biggest area of struggle, uh, speaking of dating, the biggest area of struggle, uh, for people from broken families, our audience, uh, is in romantic relationships.
It's been a lot of research to show that as well. Um, basically we were poorly trained in how to love, and so we feel incompetent at it and we fear, you know, repeating our parents mistakes. And so I'm curious, I'll start with an easy question. How can someone overcome that fear and relearn how to love?
Jackie: Yeah. I mean, it makes sense that that fear comes from, again, if your parents are divorced, [00:08:00] there, there's a fear like, is, is it even possible, you know, and my parents are not divorced, but I come from a family that's very messed up. I mean, you know, like I did not have a good witness of a Catholic marriage.
And so I started praying when I had my conversion at 18, I was like, Lord, you need to start bringing some good marriages in my life to know that it is possible. Like, what does it even look like to have And God did. He started bringing mentors into my life of what it looked like. Um, so I think for me, I would say like the first step is our own healing is our own healing and really acknowledging what are those areas that like, where are the fears?
Um, am I afraid of being abandoned? Um, am I afraid of being rejected? And like, even in our marriage, like. There is a fear of being cheated on because that was an example for me, you know, like I, and so even that own insecurity in my heart, I have to work on of, um, making sure that I don't make Bobby an idol.
Like also the two of us meeting at theology of the body, we both knew only God can satisfy every [00:09:00] desire of our hearts. Like another human being can't do that. Um, so that was very freeing. Like Bobby's not God. I'm not God, even though he's the man of my dreams. He's the love of my life. He's my best friend.
He's not God. And it would be very unfair to make him God and to make him have to be perfect because he's not, and I'm not. Um, so I think obviously the first step for anyone, no matter what background you come from is like allowing the Lord, acknowledging the woundedness and allowing the Lord to heal you and how you see relationships.
But yeah, Bobby, what would you, what would you say?
Bobby: Yeah, I think one of the hardest first steps is to acknowledge where you've been hurt and where there have been deficiencies. Where there should have been love like where you needed love in a certain way you needed stability or security and it wasn't there because otherwise we're just constantly reacting and the parts of us get really agitated get really can be really controlling or clingy we don't want to be abandoned we don't want to be out of control and so it's also one of the hardest steps to actually sit [00:10:00] with myself to sit in silence to come to acknowledge okay how have I been hurt and how am I you What am I afraid of reliving because otherwise we are just kind of reacting to life instead of I know I'm operating out of a place of self knowledge and it's a painful journey.
You know, we do everything we can to avoid sitting with ourselves. We run from silence. We just endlessly distract ourselves. We scroll because it's really hard and painful to sit with these ways that we haven't been loved to rightly.
Jackie: Yeah. And then, and I would say like the best thing you can do for your vocation, no matter what your vocation is, whether that's celibacy or marriage, the best thing you can do is to be as healthy and Holy now and healthy in all the ways.
Right. Like healthy, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and. It's just one day at a time, you know, we're all on a journey and just everything one day at a time, but to, to not waste your single years, but to really allow the Lord. Cause when I was single, I was like, Lord, I might die tomorrow. I mean, I guess I'm kind of like memento [00:11:00] mori.
I just thought of death every day. I was like, maybe I'll die tomorrow. So I want to be as healthy and holy as I can today. And, um, yeah. Um, not knowing what tomorrow would bring, not knowing when my spouse would come, if that's what I was called to, you know, because I was fully open to the possibility that I might be called to celibacy or that I might die just for, for me, just like I was, I was like, I want to be as joyful as I can now and allow the Lord to heal me in those places of my heart, the, the wounds that I have for my mom, my dad, my siblings, like, uh, allow the Lord to heal me in those places.
So I can be free and live joyfully and not just be. Um, enslaved by my sin or even enslaved by my insecurities and my my woundedness
Bobby: or enslaved by fear because I know there's also the cases of those trying to avoid relationships at all costs. You know, because I've been so hurt by them. I've been so hurt by this example of marriage.
I want nothing to do with marriage. If I've been abused, I want nothing to do with acknowledging my sexuality. [00:12:00] Even in the Catholic sphere, people that choose celibacy more out of a fear of marriage. Then genuinely feeling called to the priest or called to be a sister. There's a sense of I just am so afraid of marriage.
I would rather hear or hear. I can't be hurt in the same way. I can't or just the fear of divorce repeating the cycle. I'd rather just opt out altogether.
Jackie: I like how he asked. This is an easy question.
Bobby: What once you use an
Jackie: easy question that you guys are going to take 20 minutes to answer.
Bobby: Once you pull the string on Jackie and Bobby, you don't know
Jackie: how long an
Bobby: answer when it's going to stop.
Jackie: It's like a really long worship song. It's going to go 15 minutes.
Joey: Yeah, no, this is so good. And you guys hit on so many great topics, which we'll go into a little bit deeper later. But you mentioned the word reacting, which I think is so true. Like one of the things that we believe here at Restored is that after sin, like sin's the worst thing in the world.
It's the cause of all the unhappiness in the world. But after sin, the thing that holds us back the most from becoming, yeah, the best version of ourselves is our untreated brokenness. And so I love that [00:13:00] focus of like, kind of getting your own house in order before you try to. Um, love because it's going to prevent you from loving.
Well, and I've seen that certainly, uh, in my own life. And so I love, um, Bobby, that you said you kind of need to diagnose your brokenness, you need to put words to it all, which can be deceptively hard. And once you've kind of come to that point, then you're better able to, you know, have that self awareness, move on to kind of self mastery, and then finally like move to the stage of like self love, where you're giving yourself self gift, um, which is, is the goal.
I, in my opinion, that's the meaning of life. So I love that. And then the other word you mentioned, reacting, um, I think, yeah, like you said, a lot of us have this fear of re enacting what we, we saw growing up. And so I think that's really the only way, if you're afraid of that, everyone listening, like working on yourself, growing, like growing in virtue of healing is, is always a good investment.
I would love to spend more time there, but I wanted to ask you guys, The dating world is obviously just so messy right now for everyone. I'm so glad like I'm not in it anymore. I feel for my friends who are. Um, so I'm just curious, like what are your top three tips? What would you say on navigating that dating [00:14:00] world right now?
And any books, resources, podcasts that you recommend?
Jackie: Yeah. Um, yeah, it is a total poop show. Um, but actually the book that we just got, the, um, um, Oh my gosh, I'm blanking. The single Catholic book. I, there was some really good advice in there of your funnel. Like you got to start with a wide funnel. Like you just got to start meeting a lot of people because it used to be, you literally could meet somebody in your town that shared the same values that you had and You were attracted to, and you know, you really had chemistry with it.
It used to be because so many more people had the same values that we did. It was much easier to find some of it now, just the statistic alone of the chances of just someone being a really good, like a good Catholic, or even having the same values as you is going to be pretty slim and then not just same values, but then you're, you have chemistry with them.
You have a friendship with them. You're attracted to them. I mean, right. It's like pretty daunting. So I just think your funnel needs to [00:15:00] be wider. Sometimes, um, I mean, I just, I'm online and I see people make these crazy, just, Vanity lists of like, Oh, he has to be six feet tall, make six figures, have a six pack.
I'm like, that's ridiculous. Like
Bobby: it's too many sixes.
Jackie: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Six, six, six. If that doesn't tell you something right there, um, you're, you know, I would say have obviously very high standards. Like I tell women all the time, don't settle, like, don't not, not, not to settle down, but like I say, don't settle for.
Like, don't grasp at, you know, because you're lonely or afraid. Wait on God's timing. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't be proactive and it doesn't mean you can't go on dating sites. So I would say your funnel needs to start being wide and you start meeting people. And I'm always about Catholic match or Catholic sites because Literally, we keep meeting.
I keep having friends who are like, I'm so embarrassed to say this, but we met on Catholic match and I'm like, why are you embarrassed? And like, they're literally getting married and sometimes it's after years of sifting through all the [00:16:00] really awkward people or whatever, but I'm like, Hey, it could be you get on.
And that guy just left seminary. And actually I had a friend that that happened to, he literally just left seminary, got on and she got on and they are married. Um, but this keeps happening to friends. So. Yup. Your funnel needs to be, you just need to meet people, and you can't, I heard this one comedian say, like, women, you need to leave the house unless you want to marry your Uber Eats guy.
Like, you want to get married, but if you don't leave the house, how are you going to meet people? Like, I literally traveled around the world for my ministry. For the first 10 years of my ministry, I traveled around the world. I met thousands upon thousands of Catholic men, and it still took me 10 years to meet Bobby Angel.
And I met amazing Catholic men, good men, holy men, but I was like, they're not Bobby. And so finally when I met Bobby, I was like, ah, there he is, you know? So your funnel needs to be wide. Um, very good Catholic, right? Isn't that what it's called? Very good Catholic.
Bobby: [00:17:00] The book, the book is right out there. Is it really?
The problem is if we go get it, a kid is going to see it and come.
Jackie: Or pretty good Catholic. Pretty good Catholic. That's what it's called. Pretty good Catholic.
Joey: Pretty Catholic. Cool. We'll put the link in the show notes so everyone can check it out. But yeah. Yeah.
Jackie: Cause it's all about being single. And she gives, she has advice from like a Catholic matchmaker and she, it's actually very good.
I highly recommend it. And just to help you when you're dating this, this poop show dating what it is right now. So yeah, Bobby, what would you say?
Bobby: I don't have much advice. What you said at the beginning, like you're just so thankful to be married and be done with it. I said something similar to a college talk we gave a year ago.
Jackie: Yeah.
Bobby: And I just like, ah, I don't know, man. Good luck.
Jackie: Cause I love talking about, I love talking to single people about dating and Bobby's like, I've already arrived. I don't need to stop. And not
Bobby: that I, Not that I don't care. It's just such gratitude to be on this side of the fence. Yeah. Because it is such a new landscape with all the different apps and, [00:18:00] and just, like, it was already a hookup culture 10, 15 years ago, but now it's just all the more we're atomized.
We're just trained to objectify one another to like,
Jackie: Atomized?
Bobby: Yeah. Like we're just kind of Broken apart. Okay. .
Jackie: Wow. I've never heard you say. Okay. Okay.
Bobby: Alright. See, I wanna talk philosophy. Jackie can talk dating all day long. . I can. Yeah. Yeah. We're not trained to like. Engage one another as humans. We're trained to look at each other as body parts to swipe left or right.
And I mean, it's, it's difficult. So even when, even in a time where to be proactive and to be assertive, like I'd like to take you on a date could be perceived as, well, I don't want to be a creeper.
Jackie: Yeah.
Bobby: It's like, Oh, like we're in a tough place in culture right now. And so,
Jackie: but I've always got guys ask girls on dates and girls say yes.
Like, unless you're afraid they're going to murder you, like say yes, practice going on dates. Just it's a good practice. So I had to put my money where my mouth was because I was speaking about this when I was single [00:19:00] and literally God was like, all right, I'm gonna make you practice this. And I'm not even kidding within 24 hours.
And this had never happened in my life. So don't think this happened before. Like four guys asked me on a date. I'm like, did they see my talk or something? But they didn't. And I was like, Okay, I'm gonna just do it. I'm just gonna go on a first date. And so I had to practice going on dates. And then I had to practice if I didn't want to see them again, I had to practice which apparently I didn't because I'm married to Bobby.
Um, I had to practice not ghosting them and how to reject in a healthy way and say, you know, if they asked me on another date, My guy friend was like, just say thank you so much, but I won't be going on any further dates with you. Like, that's all you need. It does. And we all are so, man, we're so wounded. We get so sad when we're rejected, but the truth is, it's not.
If we were really healthy, we wouldn't get sad at being rejected. We would just be like, okay, I guess I'm not the person and there is somebody else for them and that's okay. And there's somebody else for me and that's okay.
Bobby: Well, and even with the sting of rejection, at least the gratitude of [00:20:00] there being upfront with you.
Jackie: Yeah,
Bobby: they're not ghosting you. If you're in this case where it's painful, you can acknowledge that
Jackie: they're not dragging you along and leading you on,
Bobby: but also to not throw a hissy fit. Like you see guys that just decide
to like start a verbal barrage and like making the girl to be the enemy when it's like, listen, she's trying to shoot straight with you.
There's no reason to turn into a toddler. But again, there's, there's parts of us that are wounded and hurt and we, we react and lash out if we're not in a place of self control and self mastery or
Jackie: integration. Yeah,
If you're from a divorced or broken family, the holidays can be so stressful and challenging. You know that pressure issues between parents being reminded of your family's brokenness, especially if you've been living out of the house or at school and just feeling a bit lost and alone and navigating it all.
Thankfully, you're not alone. Our free guide, five tips to navigate the holidays in a broken family offers really practical advice that you won't hear anywhere else. A worksheet to plan out your time with your parents, super helpful, and even a copy paste template you can edit for communicating [00:21:00] with your parents through messages or even a call.
Most of all, the guide helps you feel less alone and more in control. When the holidays hit, you can get the free guide at restored ministry. com slash holidays, or just click the link in the show notes.
Joey: I couldn't agree more. So, so basically the takeaway is put out a wide net, marry an ex seminarian and then make sure Yeah, sure.
No, no, but I think it's important. Like we want to find people who are like well formed and virtuous. Like we're talking, which we'll get into in a little bit, but yeah,
Jackie: I think we might talk about this, but kind of the two things that how, you know, somebody is the person you're called to marry. Like I just say like, number one, you have to have a good friendship and a virtuous friendship.
And then number two, you want to, you should want to pounce them. I mean, like if you, cause there's people, there's people are like, I want to pounce but y'all don't have anything to talk about. You don't have. A faith life together, friendship, you don't have a friendship and then there's people you have a friendship with and you're like, I'm not attracted to you, you know?
And so you have to have both because you're going to be married [00:22:00] to, you need to have a virtuous friendship. You're going to be with them 24 seven, right? So you have to like the person and be free to be yourself with the person, but y'all have to be very attracted to them because there's a lot of love making in marriage and uh, that would be very difficult if you were not attracted to the person.
Joey: No, I've heard stories where. There's struggles there. And it's definitely, I think it's a major area where you need to focus on like that attraction and the, yeah, the sexual attraction is like an important part of marriage. So I love that advice. I wanted to, um, go back in time a little bit, Jackie, you, a while ago wrote a great article called the devil wants you to settle in your relationships full of great advice.
One nuance I wanted your advice on for our audience is they struggle a lot with fear and anxiety in relationships so much. So that Bobby mentions before. They might end up giving up on love altogether or even leaving like otherwise good relationships because they're just afraid and they're really wounded.
And so basically means that a lack of peace doesn't automatically mean that the relationship isn't meant to be. It might mean that, but it doesn't automatically mean that, um, but it's not always the route. And so [00:23:00] definitely makes a lot harder to discern, you know, Is this lack of peace, the relationship, this person I'm with, or maybe my past?
So any advice for discerning that? Yeah.
Jackie: Cause I talk about in that article, like having that pit in your stomach and that situational anxiety, like when you're in the wrong job or you're in the wrong relationship, you have that pit in your stomach. Yeah. But for, so the people who maybe just have anxiety all the time, like, what do you do with that?
And I think. Again, it's very helpful kind of going back to the, is there a friendship there with this person kind of just knowing like outside of how you're feeling like, okay, do we have a friendship? Am I free to be myself? Even though maybe I still have anxiety, like is this, this particular person, is there peace with this person that just like I have with my friends of the same sex, like how are you with your girlfriends or your best guy friends?
You can be completely you and you don't have to put up. You know, a fake self, you don't have to put up mask. You can be completely you and they still love you. And that's how it's going to be with your spouse. It's this person's going to see [00:24:00] you completely naked, both physically and emotionally, spiritual, everything, and they're going to still love you.
So is there a friendship there? Just like. you would have with your, your best guy friends or best girlfriends. I think you can tell that even if you have anxiety, there's still going to be an acknowledgement. Like, wow, I can be myself. I can be free in this relationship. Um, and then also, am I attracted to this person?
Is there a romance there? Um, so. Yeah, because I asked Dr. Bataro this question, because I was getting this question a lot. And back in, back in my day, when I was in psychology, I mean, the statistic was that 20 percent of people had generalized general anxiety. And I, I kind of have a feeling that statistic has gone up, you know, so for maybe, 80 percent of people or 70 percent of people, they might have situational anxiety when they're in the wrong relationship, the wrong job.
But those people who have generalized anxiety all the time, and it really affects their day to day life. I asked Bataro, I said, you know, how do those people discern? He's like, well, you would still have a piece about the [00:25:00] person, even though you still have the same thing, there still would still be like, I still have a.
Really deep friendship with this person. I think we make it so complicated. And the problem is we always are trying to make the shoe fit. When we have the wrong person, we're like, I just want to make it fit. And we kind of know inherently like, no, we, I feel like I did that in so many other relationships.
You're like, oh, but there were signs like I, this person's name I saw on the street side. We just try to make the wrong shoe fit. So often, I think that's where it becomes really difficult. And then when we find the person we're. Actually supposed to be with, it's like, Oh, like this, I really do have a friendship with this person.
But Bobby, what would you, what would you say to that and add?
Bobby: Yeah, everything Jackie said, uh, just, just rewind and listen to it again. I mean, I, I think two of, we can have a part of us that Just is tempted to self sabotage and afraid of the [00:26:00] thing that we want the most and what if it what if it falls through because how I've been wounded by divorce or how I've been rejected.
So sometimes there is that in a generalized anxiety sense. That temptation to to self sabotage and maybe it's because a part of us thinks that I don't deserve this I don't deserve this relationship. I don't deserve the love of this person I mean my spiritual director told me when I was tempted I had a moment of like this is too good to be true Like when Jackie and I just really started to click in he's like don't refuse the gift like recognize what God is allowing to happen And what you've been praying for, it's finally happening.
And to know, like, there's a part of you that is really quick to be self critical and think I don't deserve this. This is, you know, don't get my hopes up. And it's like, no, no, no, just receive the gift.
Jackie: And on the opposite spectrum is that when you are with the wrong person. It's good to like talk to your family and your friends because you know, there are moments like I was with the wrong person and my friends like, yeah, we don't like this guy.
And, and, and then when Bobby, like Bobby was engaged [00:27:00] prior to, and the girl that he was with his own family was like, you're not yourself. And his friends were like, you're not Bobby. Like you're not you when you're with this girl. Like you, Are not as fun. You're not as happy. And so it's also good to have our people outside of the relationship help to see maybe some blind spots that we can't see
Bobby: even to risk the friendship because sometimes we've pushed away the voices of accountability in our lives because we don't want to be seen.
We're not proud of what we're doing or the behaviors we're doing or we don't want to be told So I, I had friends put the friendship on the line and be like, you may not want to hear this, but we don't think this girl, like it's, it's, it's right. It's healthy and you know, it's, it's stung. But at the same time, the part of me is like, like craving for like a smack in the face.
Like, you know, we, we know there's a better option here for everyone. And yeah, like sometimes we need the friends. To tear the roof off and lower us to Jesus because we're just so [00:28:00] broken, we're so paralyzed with our own fear or our own addictions, whatever, like we need the help of friends and family to bring us to Jesus to intervene.
So if you're listening and there's someone in your life that you've have felt the nudge to reach out to talk to like that, you know, might be the Holy Spirit.
Jackie: Yeah, please, for the love of God, do it. I've, I've just had women reach out to me who were months away from a marriage and even just them reaching out to me on Instagram and I'm like, Oh my gosh, you are just saying so many red flags.
And they're like, no, but I can't imagine life without this person and blah, blah, blah. I'm like, I'm just repeating back to you, what you just said to me. And you know, it might take a while for them to kind of But it's like you wouldn't have reached out to me if you, you know, you didn't kind of know at a deeper level, like this wasn't right.
So yeah, marriage, I'm all about like, but again, better 14 broken engagements than one broken marriage. And again, if this, if you guys know this, you know, this from experience, you know, what a broken marriage can do and how [00:29:00] it affects generations, like how it affects you. And it affects, and so we know. So I, I don't want that to scare you on finding the right person, but I think, listen to what, like what Bobby said, like when you're with the wrong person, That there's, there's a way that it feels and your friends and family can see it.
But when you're with the right person, don't self sabotage. And also there will be people around you who will see like, no, this person's amazing and really good for you. And you can be yourself and you know, you don't need to second guess that you're attracted to them. And there's a beautiful friendship there.
So
Joey: no, I love that. There's so much more we could say. I was just thinking back, uh, one of my relationships, I thankfully, like all my serious relationships with the team. These great girls, like they were awesome women, but didn't always mean they were right for me. And I remember, um, in one situation, one of my buddies, after the girl had broken up with me, he was like, Oh yeah, I saw that.
I was like, I wish she would have said something to me. So the lesson I took away from that is you can't always wait for your friends to come to you with this stuff. You sometimes need to seek it out. In fact, that's what I would [00:30:00] advise is like, Ask your friends. Like you guys are saying, ask your family.
Hey, what do you think about this? Do you see any red flags and yellow flags? Like what's going on here? Um, and I know Jason Everett has a bunch of great stuff that if you guys are wondering, like what you're talking about, seems maybe a little bit elusive in the sense of like, it's not only based on feelings.
That's not what we're saying here. There are objective markers. And I know I've heard you guys preach about this too. And so Jason Everett's book, uh, how to find your soulmate without losing your soul is great for women helping you discern if like the man is right for you. And then his dating blueprint for the guys as well.
We'll link to those in the show notes. They can help. Provide some like, you know, objective framework, not that you shouldn't pay attention to your emotions too. I think the tricky thing with this audience is like, they might have a lot of peace and other areas over the life, but when it comes to love and relationships, because there's just so much baggage and brokenness there, it can be freaky.
Like in my case, um, I remember once I got to like that point in my life where I was started to seriously date, I was terrified. I felt so incompetent. I didn't really know what I was doing. Um, and I almost like. Like Bobby, you said before, I almost just like backed away from it. So I think this advice is, is good [00:31:00] advice.
And what are you guys are saying is really helpful for now. Anything you'd add before we move over to marriage?
Jackie: Well, I like what you said about someone could be great on paper. Oh man. Like there, there was a guy that I was like going on days of like perfect on paper, like literally stellar on paper. And then just there, the French, like, I'm like, I don't want to spend 24 seven with this person.
And like, I think I would. Die if I just, you know, I, it's just, there were things that, again, but on paper, an amazing guy, amazing Catholic. Um, and, and so just cause someone's perfect on paper, it doesn't mean they're great for you or they're the person that God's calling you to. So I think that was a very good distinction.
And sometimes we can be in love with the idea of a person instead of actually the person. And so I definitely know we, we prayer blocked a friend of ours.
Bobby: A few.
Jackie: Our friend, our friend told us they were engaged. And I was like, I had this massive pit in my stomach. I was like, Baba, we need a prayer block this ASAP.
Like, this is not. This is, these two are not meant to be married. And so [00:32:00] we literally prayer block, like we literally just pray. This is how we got to your baby. Jesus, please break this couple up, but it lets your will be done. Wink, wink, but I know what your will like. And literally five months later, they, they broke it off.
Thank God. It just, I just knew this man was in love with the idea of this woman and not in love with her. And I was like, she deserves better. She deserves a guy who actually is in love with her and not just the idea of her. Um, and on paper they looked perfect together. Wow. But again, I kind of knew a little bit more of the inner workings of the relationship and the stuff.
So I kind of knew a little more, but yeah, we probably blocked a couple, a couple of people.
Joey: You guys are good friends and I'm sure they're doing better because of it. Thank God. I,
Jackie: Oh, amen. I think the girl met her husband like six months later and he's amazing. So,
Joey: so good. So good. And that's Chuck. I love the distinction you made.
Like one of the things that is sometimes debated is like, should you have a checklist of like qualities you're looking for? And I think it's a good thing, but I think like you said before, too, it's so important to distinguish between like the non negotiables and the kind of [00:33:00] more preferences, vanity items maybe.
But yeah, but it's so important to remember you don't marry a checklist. Like you marry a person. And, and so I think it's really important, even if, like you said, they line up like, yeah, we believe the same things where, you know, we believe the same things about God, about like parenting and morality and all these things, but there's just something there that's not matching up.
There's not, you're not suited to each other. It's not good chemistry, things like that. The two things I noticed in some of my relationships, um, one, when the relationship wasn't meant to be, there was often like a heaviness around it. That's the best way I can explain it. Like there were like almost like constantly like problems to be solved in it.
Um, that was one item. And the second one, like it kind of lacked like some sort of like smoothness or naturalness. And I know that might sound kind of vague, but like basically it wasn't like you mentioned with like my best friends or, you know, female friends who I get along with really well, there was just kind of this mismatch and constant butting heads.
And obviously relationships are hard. Like we need to learn how to love, but. I think if it's that early on in the dating relationship and you're already having struggles, it's a kind of a scary sign of what's to come. So I know we need to move on to marriage [00:34:00] advice, but any final thoughts on this?
Jackie: For me, it was massively important that I married, like, again, in our, in a friendship.
I love Like someone who has a good sense of humor, like to be able to laugh through life is like massively important to me. Now, my best friend, she's like, I could care less about a sense of humor. He needs to have a job. Like, but for me, I'm like, if he does, if we don't have the same sense of humor, I will die.
Like I will die. So the fact that I was like, okay, he has to like the same stupid humor. Like I like watch the office parks and rec. Like I love. And so when Bobby was so self deprecating could make me laugh, it was like, immediately I love this man. Like just even as a friend, it was. When we were friends, I was like, Oh my gosh, this, I love his humor.
Like that to me is one of the most attractive besides like being holy. The humor is like one of those attractive things to me. So I think again, you have to know yourself and know like, this is a person I want to spend with every day. And Bobby makes me laugh, like even when we're in fights and I want to punch him in the face, there'll be times he makes me laugh.
And I'm like, ah, I'm so mad at you, but you're [00:35:00] so, you know, so you have to have joy in marriage and. Someone who, again, you're on a team, especially when there's kids in the mix, like you're on this team together, you're working together and, um, to have that joy, to really have that joy in marriage is huge.
Joey: I love that.
And on that note, I'm curious, like what conversations, what topics do you advise couples to have before they, you know, even get engaged, but especially before they get married to maybe try to vet if this person is right for them.
Jackie: I've talked a lot. I know I have things, so I want you to,
Bobby: I want you to keep talking.
Jackie: What do you think people need to talk about, Bobby?
Bobby: The stuff that you don't want to talk about, like finances, our approach to kids. And because, again, the, the nature of this particular conversation and forum, like family history, like family of origin stuff. Like what's going on in your family tree, like all that stuff, even if it's a lot of it's in our blind spots where we've worked really hard to shove it into the subconscious.
Like we don't talk about Bruno, but [00:36:00] this is the stuff that is going to come out in one way, shape or form.
Joey: Yeah.
Bobby: So like there's the, the matters of faith. And, and the type of people we want to be. And there's also the nitty gritty of, of, yeah, finances like saving and spending. Communication is, is a thing that makes and breaks relationships.
Like you can't over communicate, you know, this, this is especially our, our relationship around conflict.
Jackie: Yeah,
Bobby: and, and the sense of like, most of us, it's either like loud and we just, it's shouting at each other and, but we're not really resolving anything or we don't fight at all. We just push it under the rug and neither extreme is really helpful.
If we can't have empathy and step into one another's shoes and what are we really. Upset about or talking about what is she trying to communicate to me and vice versa these are the stuff that the more you can iron out ahead of time and it's it's a school of love as Pope John Paul the second said so it's not [00:37:00] overnight you master this stuff where 11 years married.
I mean, we hashed out a lot in
Jackie: engagement. That was probably engagement was our hardest time. Cause we were like, we need to talk about all these things. You need to talk about expectations. What your roles in the house, like, tell me about, like, what do you expect that I'm going to do as a wife? What do you expect?
I'm going to do as a husband, like even like taking the try. It's like, cause we have these, we have these expectations that people don't talk about, like in marriage, like, Oh, I expect that you're going to cook for me. I expect that you're going to take out the trash. I expect you're going to mow the lawn.
So
Bobby: based on the family of origin, it's like, my dad always did this or my mom did this. And so there's. Sometimes a nonverbal expectation.
Jackie: It's
Bobby: like, Oh, that's not how we did it in my family.
Jackie: Right. So you talk about that. You need to talk about your sexual history. Like, does somebody struggle with porn? Is there addiction?
Is there like, what's that? You need to talk about the very difficult thing. Talk about children. Are you on the same page with, you know, the, if you're Catholic, like the teachings of the church, when it comes to contraception, I mean, I literally, I know this is ridiculous, but like on a first date, I'd be like, If I didn't already know that they were very Catholic, I'd be [00:38:00] like, what do you think about NFP?
Like, I'm like, sorry, my time is precious here. I wasted my time. Like, cause I know again, I could be a nun, but I'm not calling you. Um, so you have to talk, I am shocked that certain couples like literally don't talk about things. They get married. One of the most common, I remember in psychology, they were like, the most common years of divorce are year one, year seven and year 20 and year one is like, yeah, cause y'all, y'all didn't talk about stuff and then you, you're married and you're with somebody every day and these things come out.
Like I tell single people all the time, marriage doesn't solve your problems. It exposes them. Right? Like you, you think like, Oh, I marry this person. It's going to solve all my problems. All your ish comes to the light. Okay. And so it's going to come, it's going to come out cause you're with this person all the time.
And so I feel like the more you can talk about stuff in engagement, the better and the beautiful thing is what you said about the heaviness in the wrong relationship with Bobby. Every time we got in an argument when we were [00:39:00] engaged and then we apologized made up. It was like, Okay. Ah, okay. This guy's not going to leave me.
Like he loves me for me. Whereas like in other relationships, there would be an argument and it felt like, uh, like I, you know, it felt like, I don't know if this is the person, like the, the way, the way this person handled it, or like, I feel like they, they might not really love me. Um, but with Bobby was so different.
I was like, man, he actually loves me and he's not going to leave me. And like, we're in this. So. I'm, I'm all for you talk about all that tough stuff. So yeah, children, expectations, finances, your family of origin, your sexual history. I mean, there are definitely books like we had an engagement that was like 101 questions to ask before you get married.
And you know, I, on that whole article, the devil wants you to settle. Like I go through a list of questions to ask yourself, like red flags and then things that are a little less red flags, but like you still need to ask yourself. So
Bobby: also. Let it, you know, let these conversations come organically.
Jackie: Yeah. You don't need to do it [00:40:00] all.
Bobby: Once you know, okay, this is serious.
Jackie: Yeah.
Bobby: We want to be exclusive here and we're not just dating to date. I see a future here. There's a, there's a comfort. There's an, there's an ease. You could start to get into some of this stuff. And, and let it kind of come as trust builds and we can continue to grow in vulnerability with each other.
And we, we love each other more the deeper we go, like that's another great sign of this is the person I want to, I want to be with
Joey: all the type a people just heard, okay, I need to schedule eight hours on a Saturday with my girlfriend.
Jackie: Although we did, we were, I remember we were like at a pond. I don't know if we were engaged or dating at one point, but we literally did go through that book of like 101 questions to ask for your marriage.
So we did. We sat for a day. I know, but we did. We had a couple hour day and we like went through some of these questions just because you just want to, you know, you want to make sure you're on the same page with this stuff. So
[00:41:00]
Joey: no, it's so important. So important. And yeah, I definitely. I've heard Father Mike talk about the [00:42:00] things that you just mentioned, like get on the same page when it comes to parenting, like how many kids you want to have, things like that, like obviously openness to life, of course, but get on the same page when it comes to, you know, faith, Bobby mentioned that, um, when it comes to money, you guys mentioned that, and then when it comes to, um, uh, in laws, like family, Situation too.
That's super important. And I know father Mike kind of adds the intimacy component, which Jackie already said super well. So those five points have always been kind of helpful for me and my wife and I were able to talk through those. I know the focus inventory, like if you're Catholic and getting married through a Catholic parish, Catholic church, um, the focus inventory is an assessment if you're not familiar with it.
It just kind of spurs conversation for you and hopefully your mentor couple or priest to just talk through some of these things too. But I would say it's kind of late in the game if you're just doing it then. So start sooner if you can. So thank you guys for that. Such good advice. And then one book I wanted to recommend too, it's by an evangelical couple, um, how to save your marriage before it starts.
Uh, a lot of good questions in there as well. Doctors, Les and Leslie Parrott, men, women, couple who, uh, write books on relationships and marriage. And I've learned a lot from them as well. Um, so yeah, Thank you guys for that. Um, so many more questions I want to go [00:43:00] through. I know we're running out of time, but I'm curious, Bobby, you mentioned conflict, like how important it is to learn how to handle that.
Well, make it healthy. Uh, what's been the most helpful advice or tactic that you guys have used in your own marriage? Because as you guys know, this is a major struggle for the people that we serve from broken families because so often they just saw conflict handle so poorly.
Bobby: You know, Jackie's always says she's sorry.
Um,
Jackie: I was like, I'm waiting for the joke to come. He's like, just, uh, avoid, avoid, just run.
Bobby: Yeah, if I wait long enough, she'll always apologize. So, um, yeah, I think kind of what I said at the very beginning of the episode, which was acknowledge. How have I seen? Like, what's the first blueprint I was given of conflict?
So how did my parents fight or not fight? Because that's my baseline of. Conflict equals arguing or conflict equals
Jackie: throwing something at or yeah, it's violence, violence. And so
Bobby: like, what am I working with and how might I need to rehabilitate that? [00:44:00] And for me, that was kind of a no conflict model. So any conflict or disagreement was like, This is ending.
This is awful. Like this is, you know, Defcon five. It's like, no, no, no, it's just, we need to communicate. We didn't have a disagreement. And so I, so I don't need to run away. I can turn towards it and recognize what parts of me are in fight or flight right now and realize. She loves me. This relationship is secure.
So even when it comes to attachment styles, there's a lot of literature and resources out there that can inform you of like, oh, I'm, I'm totally that I'm totally anxious or I'm totally avoidant. And I try to, I want to grow in relationship, but I'm also tempted to keep a person at an arm's length because what if they hurt me?
So the more we can grow in self knowledge and what is my norm for communicating and engaging conflict, it's going to help you stretch and realize, okay, I have room to grow here. And just because we're having conflict, it doesn't mean the relationship is over or it's in danger. In fact, the repair is and coming back together is [00:45:00] makes the relationship even stronger than if we never had like a disagreement at all.
Jackie: Yeah. And I, and I think obviously like we have our, I think we have our formula now for when we, you know, one of us does something and it's hurtful. Um, most of the time it's Bob, but we kind of, the two of us kind of not do the silent treatment, but we, we both are, we kind of, we take our time kind of questioning what's really going on here.
So like in my head, I'm like, why is he mad or why am I mad? Yeah. And is it really the thing, or is there something deeper than the thing? So, for instance, there was a time that I was mad at him, and, like, I'm thinking, am I mad at him, or am I actually mad because there's an insecurity in me? And there was that, there was a time that it was like, it was, it was me.
It was like, I was mad about something that he didn't even do. It was just that I was in, my own insecurity was, Run in the ship, you know, and [00:46:00] so I was getting jealous and I was, I was like, this wasn't even his fault. And then there were times, there have been times that you bring something to someone, you say, Hey, I feel like I felt this way.
So this is kind of like I've my friends who did net the national evangelization team. They have their conflict resolution. Like they would say, Hey, I felt this way when you did this. Not be like, ah, you always do this. But like, Hey, I felt this way. Cause they can't, no one can say, Oh, you didn't feel that way.
It's like, no, this is how I felt. I felt angry. I felt sad. I felt rejected when you did this, I didn't feel seen. Like, so there was a time when Bobby mowed the lawn and I made a comment that, you know, and it hurt him. And, and he was like, Hey, I felt this way when you said this. And so for us, we. Talk about it.
And we use the phrase in the future, because you can't change what just happened, but we say in the future, it would really help me if, when, so for instance, in the leaf thing, like in the future, when I mow the lawn, it would be really [00:47:00] helpful if you just said, And then you can criticize the job.
Joey: We missed a whole patch.
Well,
Jackie: like literally Bobby was like, all, I just want you to affirm what I just did for the last hour and then you can give me feedback, but I want to hear, thank you, you know? And so we always kind of say, Hey, or even if we're not in a, an argument, but like, say, I feel like I'm drowning with kids and housework.
I just say to Bobby, Hey, it would really help me. If you did this. It would really help me in the future. If you did this, like we, we want to love each other. We want to help each other. We're on the same team. And so again, you can't change the past. You can't change what you said. And also we don't ever say, I'm sorry.
You felt that way. Cause that's a very narcissistic response, right? That's like, don't ever say, I'm sorry. You feel that way. I say, no, I am sorry. I did that. I mean, personally for me, like. Even if I don't necessarily, like, there have been times, like, in a friendship, I'm like, I don't, you know, sometimes you [00:48:00] don't even think, like, did I do something wrong?
Like, I, I, I, in those cases, if you don't actually feel like you did something wrong, be like, I am so sorry. If I knew that that's how you would have, that you felt, I would have never done that. You know, cause like again, I care for my friend, I care for my spouse and I don't ever want them to feel that way.
And like, even if I didn't think it was that big of a deal, like I would have never done that had I known that it would make you feel like that. Like, I am so sorry.
Bobby: I'll say as the introvert, your spouse can't read your mind. So sometimes you have to be assertive
Jackie: in
Bobby: what you need, which is tough. Like, Especially if you have a part that wants to be a servant to the point of like, I have to be a martyr.
I have to overextend myself, but then you end up kind of frustrated and resentful because no one's checking in. It's like, well, you've got to vocalize. What do you need? Like I could really use help with the kids. I could use an afternoon just out of the house. Like say, don't be afraid to say what you need.
Jackie: Yeah. Your spouse cannot read your mind. You always ask for help. Ask for [00:49:00] Yeah. So that's like our thing. It's like in the future. So like with an argument, it's like in the future, it would be helpful if you responded like that. Like if I did this, this is how I wish it would have gone. This is how it could go better, you know, like when I do this, this is how, whatever.
And then it would really help me if you did this, you know, to help lighten the load of whatever we're, You know, I need, I need a day retreat. I need a silent retreat.
Joey: No, I hear you guys. This is so good. I love how tactical you guys get. This is really helpful. I have another question for you, but I wanted to mention some for our audience, what we've kind of heard, uh, Catholic author Layla Miller put this into words really well.
She said that For children of divorce and people come from broken families, we often have this belief subconsciously that conflict leads to permanent separation. And so like you said before, it's like really important to expose that stuff to light to understand like, okay, this is going to maybe drive my behavior and the way I feel about conflict.
I really need to like, talk about that, bring that to mentorship therapy, wherever. Um, so, so I love that as well. And then the other thing that's been really helpful for [00:50:00] me personally is, um, business author, speaker, Pat Lincione. He talks about how trust makes conflict the pursuit of truth. And I love that line.
Like trust makes conflicted pursuit of truth. So if you can have, you know, a base level trust. Um, then any sort of conflict is just a matter of like, how do we as a team come to the best possible solution in this particular situation? Not like a, just a battle of egos. And so those have been really helpful for me and everything you guys said I'm learning from you.
So I want your advice. My wife and I were kind of butt heads on this a little bit, if I'm honest. Um, I'm the type who, when I apologize, Jackie, like you mentioned, if it was something I did with good intention and then it ended up like hurting her or ended up overlooking something else, I, you know, will sometimes like want to explain like, well, actually, here's what I was trying to do.
And it ended up, you know, hurting you or it wasn't, you weren't happy with it, but she doesn't want to hear that in the moment. And so I'm curious, like if you guys had to navigate that and what's your advice, like, is there a place for an explanation or does that just sound like an excuse to me? It's like an explanation, but to her, it kind of sounds like an excuse.
And so without oversharing or [00:51:00] anything, I think this is something that I've heard other couples struggle with as well. That when's there a place for saying like, actually, like you're just misunderstanding me versus, Hey, I'm just sorry in the future. Like you said, Jackie, I'll do it differently.
Jackie: We had an argument probably within the last year and a half that kind of, we were just kind of.
Missing each other's intentions, I think. And so Bobby came to me with something and I was like, okay, that's, this is, this is what I was doing or saying. And, and we kind of had to hash it out. So I don't mind, I mean, personally, I don't mind if we kind of hash out like. What were you actually thinking? Like, what was I thinking?
Like it was just really, we were missing each other and I think it just depends on your spouse. Like, yeah, I mean, I would say that's hard because if she doesn't in the moment want to hear an explanation, um, yeah, I, I would say maybe on your end, like you're saying, okay, what, instead of me doing this, what would you What would you have hoped that I would have done, or what would you like me to do in the future?
Because I, like, I didn't mean this to hurt you, and I would have [00:52:00] never done it if I knew it was going to hurt you, but what would you, what would you like me to do in the And not do it like, what would you like me to do in
Bobby: the future? Tone matters. Can you write up a Google doc right now? I think
Jackie: so, to ask, yeah, to ask your spouse, like, so in the future, if this happens, like what, how, how would you want me to respond or like, what would be the best way for you, for me to love you?
Like, how can I love you? Better. And so for some couples, like effort, Bobby and I, like, I remember we were sitting in our bathroom, just hashing it out. Like, well, this is what I thought. And I meant, and this is what I thought. And I meant like, okay, in the future, because then we can't change the past. We can't change what just happened, but I'm going to be more attentive to your needs.
And I'm going to make sure I voice my needs, you know? So it's like, so we kind of had to hash it out a little bit, because in my mind, I was like, I didn't do anything wrong. But. So we were kind of hashing it out because I had to understand where he was coming from and I had, you know, so like we had to really work [00:53:00] through like, okay, so in the future, we need to make sure we do this.
We need to make sure we voice our needs and we're attentive to each other's needs and we don't let things slide, you know,
Bobby: well, it's a note to that. Sometimes one of us we want to be right. And the other person just wants to be heard, you know, so you're fighting for clarity. Like what I was doing, I was after a good, I was actually trying to help and serve and wanting that validation and the other just wants to be heard for their perspective and their point of view.
And so to come to a place where, okay, can we step into each other's shoes? And see what we're seeking and then a light might require like for the male, for instance, who often wants to be right to recognize, let me subordinate that to, to realize how is my spouse feeling? How is she doing? What did my actions as good intention as they were?
What is that causing in her and understand that first? And then the hope of circling back. And once that piece is established to say, like, [00:54:00] here's what I was trying to do. I can understand how it led to this. I want to make sure in the future it's handled differently, not, not to the extreme though. It's like, you're just becoming, uh, you're letting yourself be walked over perpetually, you know, cause that, that's not the point either.
It's to honor the other. And John Paul, the second talked a lot about tenderness and being able to be tender with one another is to step into the other shoes and to experience their world, to be able to read his or her body language. I can tell when my wife is exhausted. I can tell when she is, you know, Overwhelmed with the kids and it's like, so what can I do assertively, uh, to serve?
Jackie: Yeah. So like if in that moment your wife just wants to be heard, she doesn't want an explanation necessarily. Yeah. To be like, okay, I see that at this point she just wants some, she just wants to be heard and that's okay. Like,
Joey: yeah,
Jackie: like I'm sorry. And yeah, I, I maybe at a, apart from that to say like, yes, I'm, I'm so sorry.
Like I, my intention was to help and I obviously that didn't. So in the [00:55:00] future, this is how I can help. You know,
Joey: no, I love that. No, I try to be the guinea pig for the audience. That's why I threw that out there. Um, but this is so helpful. And I know, um, what we've kind of landed on, especially in our best moments was just that, that, you know, I can just apologize and kind of eat my pride in the moment.
And then at a later time when the emotions kind of quelled, then we can have that conversation of like, well, actually I was trying to do this and I was trying to help. And I understand that, you know, it didn't come across that way. So I love that advice. Thank you guys. Um, I know we're, we're almost out of time here.
So I want to transition into mentorship. Bobby, um, if people want to continue to gain from your wisdom and, um, work with you potentially to heal and to kind of get guidance through some of the challenges they're dealing with, especially due to all the brokenness from their families. Uh, tell us a little bit about mentorship.
Uh, you're a trained mentor with Catholic Psych who we've had Dr. Pitara on the show. So what, what exactly is mentorship and any cool stories of transformation that you've seen?
Bobby: Yeah. Yeah. Dr. Greg invited me to be part of the Guinea pig cohort in training people to do mentorship. As he calls it, [00:56:00] which has one foot in therapy and counseling and the best of psychology and the other foot in authentic Catholic anthropology.
And what do we mean by a flourishing human person? So we're not boxing with like one hand tied behind our back. It's, I have a vision of man and woman is God created them to be. And also the different tools in, in ministry, in psychology to help people get to that healing. And I've been blessed to do it now for a year alongside Jackie and I's speaking and media ministry.
And, uh, there's now a growing army of those of us who've graduated the program, who are hungry to help people. And walk with them and help them process because one of the sayings that we're reminded of frequently is that we're hurt in relationship and we're also healed in relationship. So we're hurt in the situations of childhood where there has been divorce, abuse, abandonment, et cetera, but what it takes.
Is right relationship a corrective [00:57:00] emotional experience, as it's so called, where I can be in a place where I am loved and I am received and I can rewrite that script and God can heal in a moment, you know, there's miracles for sure, like physical healing, psychological healings. But there's usually a process.
It's usually a process of walking with another person. It's not just one podcast episode, one YouTube video. It's there can be real insight and eureka moments, but it's usually walking with another person that I experienced God's love and healing. Uh, so yeah, I've been, I've been blessed to, to walk with many people and you know, stories of just self loathing or, or addiction.
Rocky marriages just had to take it slow and look at what's the underlying hurt. What have you been running away from? What do you refuse to acknowledge? And what you said earlier about trust, like as trust builds and you can reveal a little bit more of yourself and a little bit more of yourself and a little bit more, it's like understand like the parts of you that don't think I'm worthy of love or are so [00:58:00] afraid of repeating the script of my parents that I'm sabotaging everything and to let that click to let, to bring that into the light and let God do the rest.
It's been a real gift to have the ministry that Jackie and I have come out of to grow in this deeper, deeper way. I never thought I would be in mental health, like the mental health field. It kind of found me, but it also just really fits with my youth ministry background.
Jackie: It was beautiful. It's like you're not going to a therapist's office once a week, you know, every couple of weeks or once a month.
It's like a Monday through Friday, every day, like a 15 minute voice memo kind of back and forth. And Bobby responds within 24 hours. Like, so it's like every day you're, you're kind of, because I know for me, like, I forget what happened last week. And so, but if it's daily, I'm like, I know what happened today and how I felt today.
And, you know, it's like two days ago, I was really annoyed by something today. I'm like, I'm totally over it, you know, but it's just like for it to go daily. And then also what I love about mentorship, it can be around the world. So Bobby could [00:59:00] work with someone in the military. Who's literally stationed somewhere who they can't be at a therapist office once a week, you know, and people from.
Different countries, different time zones, and this kind of particular way of doing it is so beautiful because They could be in a halfway around the world and still, yeah, I've gotten, I've
Bobby: gotten to, to work with people in the UK and, and, uh, Australia, uh, Columbia, Costa Rica, and it's just like, praise God, like technology brings about a whole lot of not great stuff, you know, but also the gift of forums like this and new avenues of healing.
And so I'm very, very thankful for what Catholic Psych is doing. And like I said, it's, there's a whole graduated class of us open for business and ready to. To walk with anyone in your audience who needs the listening ear. I just need someone to help them process their stuff with.
Joey: I love that. Thanks for going through it.
And no, I'm, I'm a big fan. Um, for those of you listening, who don't know, we've just begun a partnership with Catholic psych. And so we, um, you know, I've been in conversation a while about this. And so we've [01:00:00] vetted it. We love what you guys are doing. And if you guys want 10 percent off your first month, you can just put in the code restored 24, all caps restored 24, and I'll get you 10 percent off your first month.
Um, and yeah, just super. Happy about just all the ways in which you guys are helping people. And I wanted to say this, I was talking to a software engineer, a woman in her twenties recently who did a year of mentorship and she was, I was wondering like, yeah, what'd you get out of it? Was it a good deal? She was like, yeah, I did the math and compared it to therapy.
Um, I think it's better than therapy, but she compared the math in terms of the price for therapy, the price for. Mentorship and the time you get and she's like, yeah, it actually wasn't even close. I got way more out of mentorship than I did out of therapy because I know that's a big concern for a lot of people.
So if you want to check that out, go to catholic psych dot com slash apply catholic psych dot com slash apply. We'll link to that in the show notes guys and you can do a free console. It's like a thing. It's a 30 minute phone call where you can just ask your questions and learn more and get all the details and.
You're not committed to anything. So definitely check that out. Thank you both so much for being here. Uh, two final questions. One, where can people find you online? How could they follow you? And then two, what [01:01:00] final advice and encouragement do you guys have for everyone listening, maybe is discouraged and struggled in relationships because of, you know, what they've been through in their own family.
Jackie: Um, so first you can find us, I mean, I'm on Instagram probably more than anything else, um, that's at Jackie Francois looks like Franco is, and then at Bobby's at Bobby it's. Dot angel, right? Bobby dot angel. And then we also have a podcast called conversations with Jackie and Bobby, where, because we love again, human formation.
So we also love talking about psychology and just people's testimonies, like miracles, kind of stuff like that. And
Bobby: yeah, our website is Jackie and Bobby dot com where it's got different Links to videos, blogs, and other resources. And then on YouTube, we've worked with Ascension Presents for a long time, which is where maybe people are familiar with us by our videos alongside Father Mike Schmitz and the CFRs and just talked a whole lot about relationships over the last Many years my my final [01:02:00] advice is is be not afraid something John Paul the second said over and over and over again because I think he knew like how easily fear paralyzes us and and those core fears and those fears of repeating the pain of my parents and the family I was I grew up in.
And Christ makes all things new. Be not afraid.
Jackie: My final thing would just be like, be patient with yourself. We're all on the journey. None of us are perfect. Like be, you know, give, give yourself grace and, and just be patient. Like you don't have to be perfect before coming into a relationship. As, as long as you're walking, you're, you're walking towards the goal.
You know, it's, we're just making movements even for me as a, as a mom with five kids, even in my own prayer life, you know, I used to read a ton. And I got it. you know, coffee shops and read theology of the body, like tons of it. And now I am a mom of five kids and I'm like, I have very little time. So my little, I'm like just little by little, right?
Poco a poco, like just little by little, like baby steps and just baby steps in your spiritual life, baby steps and like working [01:03:00] out like babysitting, like just move. A step at a time forward. So be patient with yourself and just make little steps every day.
Joey: Jackie and Bobby are amazing. I definitely encourage you guys to check out their content and especially check out catholicpsych.
com slash Bobby to see if maybe working with Bobby as a mentor is the right fit for you. He actually offers 30 minute free phone consults, and so you can go on his webpage, read about it. Maybe watch some videos. And if you want to talk with him, you can actually sign up to do a free consult to see if it's right for a few.
And he also said that if you tell him you listened to this podcast and you asked for a discount, he'd be willing to work with you for the first month to see if there's a way that he can discount his services. So again, I definitely encourage you guys to take him up on that generous offer and see if that's right for a few.
Again, go to catholicpsych. com slash Bobby, or just click the link in the show notes. If this podcast has helped you, feel free to subscribe or follow on your podcast app, whether that's Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or whatever other app you use like YouTube. Not only is that the best way to avoid missing future episodes, but the more subscribers we have, the more that the [01:04:00] apps will suggest our show to people who are looking for help.
And it only takes a few seconds. And if you've already done that, feel free to rate or review the show. We definitely appreciate it. That feedback and that also helps us to reach more people for other people to find us as well. In closing, always remember, you are not doomed to repeat your family's dysfunction.
You can break that cycle and build a better life. And we're here to help. And keep in mind the words of C. S. Lewis who said, You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.
