Holidays with Divorced Parents: Part 3
6 minute read.
Navigating the holidays as a child of divorce can be incredibly challenging. From juggling split holiday schedules to coping with feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and family conflict, this season often amplifies emotional stress for teens and young adults from broken families. Whether it's managing time between parents, dealing with the dynamics of stepfamilies, or battling holiday depression, we’re here for you. To help, our holiday articles offer practical tips for not only surviving the holidays, but making them less stressful and more enjoyable.
Tip 4: Communicate the Plan
By far, this is the most difficult tip. A fair amount of you will not complete it. Why? It’s scary and uncomfortable. I get it, I’ve been there. Perhaps you’ve never stood up for yourself like this or you’re unsure how your parents will respond. Just remember that inaction has a cost too. If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. You deserve better.
When communicating, it’s best to do it well ahead of time. Already cutting it close? Don’t worry. Better late than never.
In crafting how you want to communicate, follow the advice of speaker and author Donald Miller. First, figure out what you want to say, such as the main points and order. Then, figure out how you want to say it, such as the words you’ll use and the form of communication.
In figuring out “what” to say, a few tips:
Lead with your intentions, such as affirming that you want to see your parents and spend time with them.
Make sure they know they’re part of the plan.
You have every right to express your feelings to your parents. Be honest and tell them your needs.
Brutal honesty and vulnerability might not give them warm, fuzzy feelings, but hopefully, they’ll respect you for your honesty. And if they don’t, at least you know that you spoke your truth.
Naturally, this assumes you’re in a spot where you have at least a decent relationship with your parents and you can talk to them. Sometimes, that isn’t the case.
In solving “how” to say it, some things to consider:
In-person is best, video or phone is next, then voice memo, and finally, email or text is last. At other times, a letter is most effective.
Start with “I’m reaching out to set expectations and make sure we spend time together.”
Be real by saying things like “I love you, but it can be really hard around the holidays to please you both and not offend you. I need you to understand my decisions, my boundaries, and that the tension in our family makes it difficult to enjoy the holidays.”
If you can’t see both parents, give the reason why, at least in a diplomatic way focusing more on yourself than them, such as “I can’t afford it,” “It’s too exhausting for me right now,” “It’s too much on me (or my family),” or “I need a break this year.”
What if your parent gets upset? Stay calm. Try to display empathy by placing yourself in their shoes, yet keep your boundaries. Keep in mind that your parents are learning to navigate the holidays too, so give them some grace. Then, speak the truth by saying what you’re thinking and feeling.
As part of that conversation, ask good questions. When people make unreasonable requests, FBI Negotiator Chris Voss suggests asking the question, “How am I supposed to do that?” The intent behind the question is to find an answer. But often, the request made is so difficult or impossible that the person who made it feels stumped by the question. You can also ask questions aimed at understanding and empathy, such as “In your mind, what did you expect this year?” or “If you were in my shoes, what would you do if your mom and dad were asking what you are right now?”
Whatever happens, don’t allow someone else to take control of your plan and adapt it at your expense. For example, if you get a request from your dad to attend a party or see him during the time you’re spending with your mom, you can simply point to the plan and remind him of it. Learn from it all too. Don’t feel the need to have the perfect plan or perfectly execute the plan. Instead, look at it as a sort of experiment to find the right balance between your parents. You can then make changes next year based on what you learn. See it also as an opportunity to become a better, stronger person. Think about the lessons you can use in the future, especially to build your own family.
To help, my team and I have developed copy-and-paste templates here to communicate with your parents via text, voice memo, email, phone call, video call, or even a letter.
Tip 5: Enjoy the Holidays
Ironically, forgetting to enjoy the holidays is easier than it sounds. Creating new traditions, especially if you’re married or soon will be, is a great way to reset and redefine the holidays. Serving others, such as the poor or elderly in nursing homes, is another way to break the cycle with selflessness.
If you’re like me, spending time with your friends makes the holidays much more enjoyable too. While it’s good to spend time with your parents, make sure you block out some time to spend time with your friends too. So often, since spending time with both parents separately can be so time-consuming, our other relationships suffer. Do what you can to plan some time with those people that you’d like to see. The extra effort will pay off.
Keep in mind that you might need to lower your expectations for the holidays, unfortunately. Holiday traditions in your family might die because of the divorce. You might not feel the same joy, safety, and security with your parents anymore. That’s hard to swallow. In the midst of that, try to focus on the deeper meaning of the holiday. For example, Christmas is a time to delve into the mindboggling mystery of God becoming a vulnerable, weak, human baby. Don’t let the stress and challenges distract you from things like that.
We wish you a wonderful holiday season. You can download our holiday guide for free below.
Holidays in a divorced or broken family can be stressful and exhausting. But there’s a better way.
Our guide, 5 Tips to Navigate the Holidays in a Broken Family, helps you:
Avoid people-pleasing and burnout
Manage stress and difficult emotions
Plan time with parents thoughtfully
Set clear, protective boundaries
Make the holidays less stressful and more enjoyable.
