Why Having Divorced Parents as an Only Child Feels Heavy

7-minute read.

Regardless of family size, there’s just no way around the fact that divorce is extremely difficult for the children. But there is a particular challenge in having divorced parents as an only child. 

Though siblings may steal your clothes and spill your secrets, having them can also help mitigate the effects of growing up with divorced parents and therefore preserve the child and parent relationship.

Siblings (even just one) provide a built-in community that helps with the burden of having divorced parents. You have someone in your exact same situation that can support you in the difficulties that arise and the negative effects of growing up with divorced parents. The camaraderie between siblings is like soldiers who are in the trenches together, the shared experience strengthens their relationship, which in turn creates a support system that alleviates the suffering they are going through. 

In this article, we will explore the specific problems that you may face with divorced parents as an only child, the effects of growing up with divorced parents, the effects of divorce on the child and parent relationship, as well as simple strategies you can implement to help cope with the pain and problems stemming from your parents’ divorce. If you’ve ever thought: “I have no siblings and I am lonely,” know that you are not alone, and we want to help you feel accepted and supported as a child of divorce.

What It’s Like Living With Divorced Parents as an Only Child

One of the most powerful comforts when going through a difficult time is community. You can prove this simply by noticing the existence of support groups for pretty much any challenge you can think of: a cancer diagnosis, bereavement, drug addiction, etc. Siblings often provide that as you endure the effects of growing up with divorced parents together. However, having divorced parents as an only child means no one can quite understand or relate to your specific situation. Furthermore, you alone have to bear the struggles that come with having divorced parents and the strain on the child and parent relationship.

You alone have to handle your parents’ fights, tension, and potentially even emotional unraveling as they go through the destruction of their marriage. You alone have to manage your own emotions as you watch your family fall apart and potentially face the introduction of step-parents and siblings into your life. You alone have to navigate difficult conversations and the dispersing of holidays and your time between both parties.

This can feel heavy, especially if you feel like you have no one to turn to. The loneliness and isolation of having divorced parents as an only child might even feel unbearable at times. You may think, “I have no siblings and I am lonely.” But know this: you are not alone. Restored is here to support and encourage you in this difficult time and give you resources to cope with the negative effects of growing up with divorced parents. Furthermore, you can always look for a mentor in your community–an adult you know and trust. If you’re not sure where to start looking for someone to talk to,consider asking a youth group leader, pastor, or even guidance counselor to point you in the right direction.

The Hidden Effects of Growing Up With Divorced Parents Alone

Though it may not be often talked about, going through your parents’ divorce can be traumatic and devastating. It can also seriously damage the child and parent relationship. This is especially true if you have divorced parents as an only child. 

If you are an only child, these are some of the potential hidden effects of growing up with divorced parents: 

• You feel lonely, isolated, and that there is no one for you to turn to.

• You are overwhelmed by the difficulties that come from your parents’ divorce.

• You feel disconnected from your parents.

• You feel like you can’t trust or confide in anyone.

• You feel that love and marriage are impossible and never last.

• You turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms that cause more problems.

• You feel that something is wrong with you.

While divorce is largely normalized, the truth is that it is incredibly difficult for the children, especially if you are an only child. Restored exists to help you heal from the trauma of your parents’ divorce so you can break the cycle. Healing is possible for you, no matter how broken you feel right now.

How Divorce Complicates the Child and Parent Relationship

One of the effects of growing up with divorced parents as an only child is the strain it can put on the child and parent relationship. Going through the pain of divorce can make your parents emotionally or even physically unavailable to you. It can also cause strain and tension if your parents are using you as a ‘middle man’ in their interactions. You may have to endure one parent speaking ill of the other. A parent may rely on you too much emotionally, making you their shoulder to cry on as they experience the pain of losing their spouse, this is sometimes referred to as ‘spousification,’ when a parent becomes too emotionally dependent on their child.

All these negative effects of growing up with divorced parents happen frequently and can cause a lot of distress to the child as well as wreak havoc on the child and parent relationship. The good news is that repair is possible for broken relationships and there are strategies you can put in place to help with these problems. It is especially important for children of divorce to implement boundaries with their parents so that they do not become their parents’ ‘go-between’ or emotional support. It can be as simple as saying ‘I don’t want to talk to you about my mom/dad if you are going to criticize them.’ Or encouraging them to join a support group or find a friend they can confide in.

A helpful resource with more strategies to improve and heal the child and parent relationship is our book, It’s Not Your Fault: A Practical Guide to Navigating the Pain and Problems of Your Parents’ Divorce.

Here’s What Helps When You Feel “I Have No Siblings and I Am Lonely"

Loneliness can be one of the most pervasive and painful effects of growing up with divorced parents, especially as an only child. If you’ve ever thought: “I have no siblings and I am lonely”, that is totally normal. Here is the good news: You are not alone. As distant as He may seem in your current situation, God is with you and He sees you. He has a plan for your life. A plan to heal and restore you. If you are able to, make time to go to Adoration, and prayer and journaling. 

You can also find a community here at Restored. If you are feeling alone in facing the struggles of your parents’ divorce, go listen to our podcast. There you will find the stories of other children of divorce, the strategies that helped them heal and grow, as well as expert advice from psychologists, counselors, and spiritual leaders.

Navigating the pain and problems of having divorced parents as an only child is hard enough, don’t go through it alone.

Having divorced parents as an only child can feel incredibly heavy at times. We hope this article gives you some support to work through the effects of growing up with divorced parents, as well as any challenges you may encounter in your child and parent relationship. Remember that God is always with us, He has a plan, and healing is possible. Even if you feel “I am an only child and I am lonely,” you are not alone and we can help you get on the path to healing. Check out our website today to see all the resources available to you to help you heal from the trauma of your parents’ divorce so you can break the cycle.

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