I Believed I Ruined Their Marriage

5-minute read.

This story was written by Monica at 26 years old. Her parents separated when she was 16. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

Growing up, "home" was a verbal boxing ring. My dad seemed to have a "bad day" at work every other day, and he took out everything on my mom and us kids. My mom started verbally fighting back, and before I knew it, every night, I would go straight to my room and cover my ears when dad got home. It felt like mom and dad were enemies. I never saw them be affectionate. They would take turns doing things with us kids (we never did anything as a family of 4). I got as involved in sports, school, and activities as possible so that I would not have to be home as much as I could! When they finally started living separated, I was RELIEVED at first because in my mind, the fighting would finally stop, but over the years, coming to terms with how messed up "home" was, it's been painful to accept and unpack!

HOW THE SEPARATION MADE HER FEEL

This was the main script that ran through my mind as a child (since I was old enough to have a memory): "If I were a good daughter, my parents would stop fighting.” I asked both my mom and my dad to stop fighting from about the first grade to the 10th grade! It felt like the more I asked, the more it was obvious that I did not matter. I felt invisible to my own parents, especially my dad. There were times that I asked him to stop fighting with mom, and HE'D yell at me as a response. So I got silent. I stopped asking for what I wanted and needed.

When I was 15 (less than a year before my parents finally separated), my dad told me that he and my mom were in love, best friends, and had a good marriage... until I was born. I'm the oldest of 2, so essentially, kids coming along was what made my parents' incompatibilities and differences (and their own trauma, both sets of my grandparents are divorced) come out. I internalized this blame for so long, believing that my existence was why my parents couldn't get along and that I ruined their marriage. At dark times, I wondered if there was any purpose or positivity in the fact that I was born. I wanted to grow up and get out of the house as an adult because "mom and dad will be happy again if I'm gone.”

HOW THE SEPARATION IMPACTED HER

#1: I put off dating for YEARS. I closed myself off from dating altogether in high school. Not a chance. Anybody that I had a sense could have been interested in me, I made sure to make it clear that I was NOT open to being pursued at all!! My plan: I was never getting married, so why date??? I didn't even acknowledge any desire for marriage whatsoever until I was 21 (3 years into college)! That was 5 years ago now! I lived for 2 whole decades having zero openness to getting married.

Now that I'm planning my wedding and preparing for the Sacrament of Matrimony and to start my family (which, I still can't believe is real, given what I've been through), which has blossomed to be the deepest desire of my heart, it's finally starting to sink in just how UNNATURAL this closing off I did for most of my life was. It's why I was so sad all the time. My model of marriage was so traumatic that I didn't even see it as possible for me until I actually got to know (and finally, after rejecting him the first time, giving him a chance) the person that I'm now going to marry! Being alone is nice for a moment, but this closing off that I did added suffering on top of the suffering of navigating life with this broken foundation.

#2: I became addicted to achievement, addicted to performance, and addicted to putting my identity in work... AND I became fiercely independent. My belief that I was invisible and that I did not matter manifested itself to not asking God for anything that I wanted. I had this limiting belief that wanting = selfish. Why ask God for friends? A job that I loved? A husband? Children?... I believed He did not care. This led to me not asking for what I wanted in dating relationships either.

#3: I dated in a way that wasn't normal. I found so much comfort in my first dating relationship with significant arms-length long distance. The fact that we could barely talk during the week and that we had to go 6 months without seeing each other, weirdly gave me so much comfort that my independence didn't have to be threatened.

#4: I swore I'd stay alone because I found more comfort being alone than I felt like I could handle being with anyone. The rejections and bad breakups that followed that first relationship had me questioning my identity and worth even more than my parents' dysfunction ever did, and I hit rock bottom. The only way I could turn my brain off to all the emotions and the pain was working out rigorously twice a day. It's a miracle that I didn't abandon the faith during this time, but I definitely did not want to go to a church for a bit (which feels scandalous to say as a devout Catholic).

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Tell someone. Someone that is trustworthy.

The #1 mistake I have made in my life is doing things as alone as possible! Living on my own little island would involve as little vulnerability as possible. I understand the temptation, I really do. When your own parents don't make you feel safe, nobody feels safe. However, trust me when I say that doing this alone ADDS pain on top of pain!

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

I think the one thing I wish someone asked me much earlier in my life was: what's going on underneath the surface? I was such a high achiever academically and athletically in school... that nobody had a clue that my life was an emotional mess. Nobody I knew in high school or college would have ever have known how much I cried every single day when I came home from school. I'm not at all saying that if someone is a high achiever, pry about their life at home, but get to know them!

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