It Was Like Slowly Boiling Water
6-minute read.
This story was written by Anonymous at 38 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 19. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
HER STORY
It was like slowly boiling water. You know how they say a frog will jump out of boiling water if suddenly placed in it, but will remain in water that is gradually heated until it boils to death? It was like that. I did not notice the small changes that happened over time, but looking back now, what a mess! My parents fought a lot and I kind of assumed it was normal for parents not to get along or agree on anything, and not to feel safe at home. In grade school and high school, I began to prefer to be at my friends' houses rather than at home. Some friends I never invited to my house.
My father lost his job when I was 14. He didn’t find a new one for over a year, so he mostly just sat around the house, unconcerned and watching TV, getting more and more depressed. I was worried about money, so I started working at 14, but it seemed that he was not. Finally, he got a job working nights. I was so glad to have him away. He would sleep during the day, so we had to be sure to be quiet and not to wake him. I have some positive memories of spending time with him during these years. Then, his employer asked him to open a new store in another state. He was gone for a month. Then, he was asked to open another store in another state across the country. I thought he would be back in a month, but he never moved back home. Instead, he found a girlfriend, a new common-law wife, and her kids became his new family. He never called, and I basically didn’t see him for four years. My mother asked for a divorce when one of my siblings visited him and came back to describe the alternate life he had made for himself.
I had no one to talk to, and I had no idea how angry I was and how deeply this was impacting my life. It was simply like boiling water.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
At the time, numb. Perhaps, initially, I was happy as I thought it would make things better, but now I know better. I think I was relieved when I first found out because it validated the messed-up dynamics that existed. For years, I was ashamed and tried to hide the fact that I didn’t come from a normal family. I really held a lot of anger inside. I had no one to talk to, and thus, it came out sideways.
HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER
Everything. I am not blaming it for all my problems, but as time goes on, I still continue to see how it has affected me. I always wondered why I was so slow to trust, why I thought others (friends, family, roommates, etc.) might just pick up and leave at any moment, why keeping the peace is essential, why some mistakes could prove fatal, why unconditional love is so hard to understand, why I despise broken promises, why I guard my heart so much, why I am constantly assessing the situation to see if it is safe, and many others.
I think it made me so self-conscious. I was ashamed of my background and family in a way I never should have been. Even now, I often feel like the oddball because of it. I have a hard time trusting people and often think they will leave or abandon me at any time. I had to learn how to be an adult prematurely and lost a lot of my childhood. I had to grow up fast and, as a result, developed unfortunate coping mechanisms that I had to learn to let go of in order to develop healthy ones.
Having said all that, I think it was also very Providential. The divorce helped me solidify my values and character as a teen. It helped me to admire noble qualities and shun deceit and dishonesty. It helped form me into a person with good qualities of virtue, prayer, and trust, especially when I found those so poorly modeled by my parents. I think this is important.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
It’s not your fault. Talk to someone, talk to Jesus, journal, and be open and honest about how you feel. Allow yourself to be angry. Allow yourself to be hurt. Allow yourself to feel. Do not try to cage all your emotions. Find someone who can hold space for those big feelings.
This divorce is not a one-time event. It continues to impact the rest of your life.
In your relationships, do not forget to be compassionate, but also work to develop healthy boundaries.
WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?
A lot. Restored is doing a lot for which I am grateful. I think the culture needs to wake up to the reality of the hurt and lasting wounds that divorce causes both parents and children for generations. They lose their sense of home and family. That is the foundation for the healthy development of any child. Often, it’s shattered for selfish motives (not always). Someone gave up on their wedding vows because things got difficult, and the children are the ones shuffled from house to house and expected to be resilient and deal with it. How can the community help kids in this situation? To begin with, reach out and give them someone to talk to. Obviously, organizations like this one are doing phenomenal work. Connect them with other children of divorced parents. You are not alone.
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