The Foundation of My Life Was Poured on Sand
4 minute read.
This story was written by Emma R. at 24 years old. Her parents divorced before she was 14. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
HER STORY
My father suffers from psychopathic narcissism and my mother ignored the red flags, as she now says she was "blinded by love" or rather the love dumping that narcissists do to keep their victims. Our home was one filled with terror and I was physically, psychologically, and sexually abused, all in the name of discipline and religion. After 15 years of this, my mother kicked him out with the help of our priest. This help came when a priest and family member asked her if she was okay and simultaneously my mother got a call from the man whom my father was sleeping with's wife. He continued to terrorize us and convinced the whole community we were the crazy ones. We were shamed and told we were sinful, and I was made to keep silent because if I talked it was "gossip".
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
I felt worthless. I felt like it was my fault, if I had been a happier child, more helpful, more "enough" then it would not have happened. I also felt horrible like it was my fault because I had prayed for it one night when the abuse was really bad. I felt like my father didn't care and my mother was desperate for safety.
HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER
It has left me with rocky instability. The foundation of my life was poured on sand. I am blessed enough now that the Lord has been laying rock down the whole time and now I live a life of reclaimed joy and victory. I still suffer the full effects of divorce, annulment, and abuse, for I am still a human with a body, mind, and heart, but the Lord has allowed me graces to turn that suffering towards him and sanctify it. I now work in a pro-life center helping women in abuse and am halfway through writing a book to help Catholic victims of domestic violence, hoping to spread the good news of Christ's powerful saving grace.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
You are enough, you are not at fault. You will be okay, in fact, you have the greatest capacity for glory, sanctification, and love. You cannot compare your lives to another, for this is your story and if you claim it, cling to it, and ask the Lord to tend to it, fully trusting He will do marvelous things for you if you knock on the door, He will NOT disappoint you. Allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to enter this suffering, but don't stop there, make it resurrected.
WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?
There is a stigma that you are going to hell if you get a divorce or annulment, that it would be better if you just "forgive and forget" and that domestic abuse does not happen in religious families. There also is this awkwardness where people don't want to ask the kids about anything for fear of "taking a side" or "gossip and detraction" but instead just kind of point the finger at the kids and say, “oh how terrible they are going to be so messed up." The three saving graces in my life were the principal of my school and my best friend’s parents who silently, without judgment or inappropriate questions that made me feel unsafe, were constantly just there for me in minute ways affirming me and making sure I knew if I needed a place to turn to they would be there unconditionally without judgment. Teens often don't feel like they are allowed to talk about it so they act out, which then makes them get "hateful" feedback, confirming what they felt all along: not enough. They need steady attention and affirmation for a long time, often just off on the sidelines as it were, so they feel as though when they are ready they can reach out for help. And they have to be the one who is ready. Even more importantly, we need books, websites, and podcasts, more like this one so they can get help and comfort from others who have been through it because often they don't want (or don't feel safe) to talk it out with someone. They still need to work through so much independently.
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