#125: Is Marriage Doomed to Fail? | Michael & Rachel Villanueva
For people like us from divorced and broken families, love and marriage can be extra scary. After my parents separated, I swore, “If this is where marriage leads, I want nothing to do with it.”
But thankfully, love and marriage aren’t doomed to fail. Marriage isn’t easy, but it can be beautiful and joyful. More importantly, it can help you grow into a better, stronger, and more virtuous person.
Today, we’re joined by a married couple to discuss all of that, plus:
The struggles they’ve faced within their marriage, especially around unmet expectations and brokenness
The joy and beauty that they’ve experienced in their marriage and family
What topics you need to discuss before you get married
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
[00:00:00] For people like us who come from broken or divorced families, love and marriage can feel extra scary. I remember when my parents separated, I swore if this is where love and marriage leads, I want nothing to do with it. It terrified me. But thankfully, love and marriage aren't doomed to fail. Marriage isn't easy, but it can be really good and beautiful and joyful.
And more importantly, can help you become this healthier, stronger, more virtuous person. I'm joined today by a married couple to discuss all of that. Plus, we talk about the struggles that they face. Within their marriage, especially around unmet expectations and brokenness, the joy and the beauty that they've experienced in the marriage too.
And don't just talk about the bad and the struggles. We talk about the good too. There's a lot of good that can come from marriage. We also hit on the signs of a healthy marriage and family, how healthy marriages and families differ from broken marriages and families. We touched on how the rupture and repair cycle that often happens within marriage can actually make you stronger.
And finally, talk about what topics you need to discuss with your significant other, your boyfriend, girlfriend, before you get married. Married. And so, if you want love, maybe you feel [00:01:00] afraid or you feel held back in pursuing it, this episode will help you. Stay with us. Welcome to The Restored Podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents divorce, separation, or broken marriage, so you can break that cycle.
I'm your host, Joey Panerelli. This is episode 125. We're so happy that so many of you have found the podcast helpful and even healing. We've heard lots of great feedback on our content, not just this podcast, but other content as well, like our book and speaking engagements. One young woman said this, she heard us speak at a speaking engagement in Denver.
She said, I went to a friend's house this weekend for a girl's game night. The girl I sat next to just got married within the last seven months. She said she watched your marriage talk three times because she thought it was so helpful. Again, we're so happy to hear it's been helpful. [00:02:00] At the end of this episode, we're actually going to give you the recording of that talk and a free guide that just summarizes the talk, the main points on how to build a really healthy relationship and ultimately marriage.
Again, we're so happy to hear it's been helpful. Today's episode is sponsored by Blackstone. In a recent survey by Adobe, 98 percent of Gen Z and 91 percent of Millennials said video is their top content choice. That's not really surprising, but if you run a business or ministry, are you taking advantage of that?
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They're a Catholic film and video production company that creates films that make you feel. They can create trailers, promo videos and commercials, social media videos, documentaries, fundraising [00:03:00] videos, and courses. We actually built Produced two courses with them, had an excellent experience with their team.
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I'm joined today by two guests, Michael and Rachel Villanueva. Michael and Rachel were married in July, 2017, after an adventurous and unexpected journey. Both have a passion for sharing God's incredible plan for marriage, family, and human sexuality, having earned their master's from the John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and Family in Washington, D.
C. D. C. Their podcast, All Things [00:04:00] Nueva, has proven to be an effective companion to their speaking and teaching ministry and can be found wherever you listen to podcasts. Once, when they were first getting to know each other, Rachel told Michael that they couldn't be friends since he didn't drink coffee.
Michael now drinks coffee. Uh, they currently reside in Phoenix and have five children, one in heaven and four on earth. So if you couldn't tell in this episode, we're going to talk a bit about God and faith. And if you don't believe in God, you're totally welcome here. Anyone who's been listening to the show for a while knows that we're not a strictly religious podcast wherever you're at.
I'm glad you're here. If you don't believe in God, I just invite you to listen with an open mind. Even if you were to skip or take out the God part, you're still going to benefit from this episode. And with that, here's our conversation. Rachel, Michael, great to have you guys. Thanks for having us. We're super excited to be here.
I'm excited to learn more about your story. I know kind of the last time our friendships left off, we were in college and that was kind of it, um, we caught up a little bit before the recording, but give us, if you would, a quick summary, I guess, of your relationship, how you guys met and how you ended up where you are today.
Well, [00:05:00] it all started one fateful moment at the, at the toaster, actually a toaster in the cafeteria at the college we went to. Yeah. You know, I was just there toasting a bagel and Michael super friendly walked up, said hello. And literally the first thing that went through my mind was, you know, Why is he talking to me?
Like, I just want to eat my bagel and get my coffee. And so, yeah, we just kind of, we knew each other. We had a class together, but from the beginning you could kind of tell we were opposites. I sat in the front of the classroom. He sat in the back. We didn't really talk much after that encounter. Introvert, extrovert.
Yeah. And it wasn't until about a year later that we got to really know each other while we were studying abroad in, in Austria, smaller group of people kind of just drawn to each other. I mean, You're traveling all over, let's be honest, in Europe. It's very easy to fall in love. And that's kind of what happened between us.
But there are some obstacles, some major obstacles right away, um, because Michael was discerning to be a priest. Yes, I was [00:06:00] part of the discernment program at Franciscan and obviously wasn't. planning to fall in love because we had taken a non dating commitment, but the hills were alive with the sound of music.
And, uh, and long story short, like that, that was a semester where, yeah, we were just drawn to each other. We, we fell for each other, but Um, God had different plans or God had a plan for us to kind of go our separate ways after college. Yeah. So we never dated actually, um, we never dated in college. And once we graduated, we kind of cut off all communications and pursued our own paths.
Michael went, um, and became a seminarian for three and a half years here in the Diocese of Phoenix where we're residing now. And I had a couple of different adventures, teaching high school and traveling. And it was really interesting. Because for both of us, it was when we got to a point where we were completely surrendering our lives to God and super excited for what he had in store, that he revealed the other person to us.
And we were kind of brought back together. Kind of [00:07:00] revealed the vocation of marriage in a real way, in terms of our discernment. And we love to reflect back on how. Pursuing God with all of our heart, even in doing so having to sacrifice a lot, you know, and, and even, even each other in a real way that led to a deep freedom and peace.
And from that, the Lord was able to give us, uh, the gift of marriage on each other so that we could, we could really receive it as a gift and not, not, not go into it, grasping for the other person, the other person or for marriage itself as a vocation. So good. Okay. No, beautiful story. And then you guys, um, yeah, I guess reconnected.
How long did you date before engagement? Curious about all that. Well, we reconnected after I discerned out of seminary. Yes, he actually ended up moving to Washington D. C. where I was living without telling me. He moved there. The day he arrived, he called me. He said he was in town, that he wanted to get together.
And in my mind, he's like very close to becoming a deacon in the church. [00:08:00] Um, and so I thought it was something that he needed to rehash from the past. Needless to say, it wasn't. He, you know, God had revealed to him that Um, he was not called to be a priest. And so at first I was very, very shocked and I was very hesitant because there was a lot of hurt and pain from the past.
Um, and so how was I sure that he wasn't going to quote unquote leave again. And so I kind of put a full stop on any type of relationship right away. And I really wanted to be friends for a little while. So we were friends for about three months, hanging out in groups, getting to re know each other. And then we started dating and we dated for three months.
Nine months, we dated for nine months, um, got engaged, we were engaged for seven months and then married in July of two thousand and seventeen. I'm the one that always forgets. So we'll be married seven years. Yeah, this coming year. This year. Beautiful. Okay. Wow, amazing. Thanks for filling us in. And well, we're going to get more into kind [00:09:00] of your marriage and family a little bit later, but I want to start in maybe a less obvious place.
What, to whatever degree you're comfortable sharing, what sort of problems, I guess, have you guys faced within marriage? What sort of challenges? Whatever you're comfortable sharing, you know, there's no problems once you get married, right? It's all perfect. That's, that's the point that we want to make, right?
Is that, you know, we are honored that you asked us to talk about healthy families. But we wanted to make it clear like we're talking about striving to be a healthy marriage and family rather than a perfect marriage and a family. I know for me, kind of because I think of our story and the time that we were apart, I tended to like idolize Michael and who I thought he was.
He was like this perfect person that I couldn't have. And then. When it became a possibility that we could be in a relationship together, I mean, we're both overjoyed and really excited, but I still have this image of he's so perfect. And then when we got married, I mean, very [00:10:00] quickly, you just see that the person that you love and that you, you know, gave your life to is not perfect.
And so there's this real temptation in our world to say, Oh, like did I marry the right person or you're not who I thought you were. And I think there's a little bit of a truth to that, but I think the real thing that we need to recognize was the problem wasn't with Michael because no person is going to be perfect.
The problem really was with me and my expectations of what I thought marriage would be like, um, the idealized version, the idealized version, because the reality is, you know, I mean, we're all on a journey and what marriage is, is inviting another person to walk with you on that journey, that journey towards wholeness and towards healing.
And so when you come up against. You know issues or problems or struggles and trials. It's not like I'm gonna turn away from you It's asking the person to walk alongside with you to love you in those [00:11:00] places Where maybe you didn't even know that you were weak or that you didn't even know that you struggled And so I know for me that's just been a real challenge during the first couple of years Wow.
You went deep really quick, um, to kind of follow suit on that. I think we have some, some good practice, uh, more, it's all practical, but anyway, another one that came up while she was talking was in relationships in general that have a certain level of intimacy, but then especially in the married relationship, there's so many, because of how intimate the relationship is, you are there with your beloved and a lot of times lifeful in that setting.
Your baggage will arise, which will come up and it should, but it's painful. And so I think one of the big struggles was having the person that you love, that you've given your life to witness all of your baggage, all of your, can I say crap? You know, all of all of that coming out in real [00:12:00] life and having to navigate that.
And it's a risk because you're like, we've given our lives to each other, but. Will you still love me? Is this too much? Is this too much? If I show this part of myself, if you've seen me really like yell at the kids or yell at you, is like, is, are you going to walk away? Is this too much for you? It's, it's two sides of the same coin and, and this speaks to The experience of a healthy marriage and a family is that when that happens, are you able to communicate your fears and how much that hurts to have your struggles on display in front of your beloved and to, in real ways to, to fall short in loving your beloved, but then on the other hand of, on the other side of that coin is this deep glory of receiving love, the love of, of your beloved, even when you feel most unlovable.
That truly has been the experience of, of the love of God through my spouse in those situations. Beautiful. Those are such good points. Um, I want to go [00:13:00] back a little bit and talk about the expectations. Rachel, I'm curious, kind of two questions for you. One, what do you think contributed to your idolization of marriage?
And two, what helped you overcome it or maybe like work through the, what's the word, disillusionment when you were like kind of hit in the face with that? For sure. Well, I think expectation wise in college, I came in contact with some really amazing families and they invited actually both myself and Michael into their life and not that I actually had a really good family growing up.
But I think it was, it was just something that was different about seeing another family, how they live, how they love each other and the faith that really just sparked a desire within myself. Like I want that. And I think that's really good. I think that's really important. But the reality is I would walk into their house.
They would host me. It'd be what, like two hours. I would see some messiness and then I'd walk away. Um, and so. There's a sense of like, oh, they have the most perfect life [00:14:00] together and I like, I want that. And then when you get married and you're living with somebody day in and day out, and difficulties hit you, exhaustion hits you, just the struggle of daily life.
You're like, but there's a temptation to say, this doesn't look like the way I thought it would. I didn't sign up for this sort of thing. Yeah, I didn't sign up for this. I wanted it to be better. I wanted to be better. And, and in some ways, I think that's also good to recognize, like, where are we struggling?
Like, is it just the daily life and the reality of like the struggles that are naturally going to come? Or are there places that we're Being called to grow and to be more honest with each other of I expect more of you. I expect more of myself and so we actually need to work to be the family and to be the married couple that we want to be.
This is just not going to be given to us. Um, we have to put some effort into it and that means we need to be really honest with each other. [00:15:00] Um, in a very loving way, caveat, in a very loving way, um, in a, in a place of like safe space. Um, so we've actually created like a safe place within our marriage to bring up difficulties So we know that every week we'll sit down on Sunday nights and we kind of do just a whether we want to or not, a lot of times we don't want to, um, we do a time of prayer to start off.
We pray with each other and then we ask each other some really you know, deep questions such as like, how have you felt loved by me this in this past week? How have you been annoyed by me in this past week? And how can I improve? Um, how did you really try to intentionally love me this week? Um, and it's just this, this area that we know we can meet on each week.
So if something comes up during the week, it may not be the right time to speak about it, but I know I have Sunday night. And this is a place where it's not. To condemn the other person, it's not to shame them, but it's like, you know, things are not the way that I want them to be. They're not the way that I want them to [00:16:00] be and I want us to be better.
Um, so let's grow. And so it's become our, like our safe place to, to have some really difficult conversations. So that's really helped. I love that tactic and Michael definitely opened anything you would add there too, but one thing I was thinking is that when you idolize marriage, which I certainly fell into too, um, in my situation, I went through kind of a pendulum swing on one end of the spectrum after my parents separated and later divorced, I just had this intense fear of, of marriage, of love.
I was like, why in the world would I want to go through that? You know, if this is where marriage leads, I want no part in it. So it kind of was like, not, not interested. And then once I just saw the beauty in it, I was like, man, I want that. But I wanted so much the opposite of what my parents had that I kind of fell into what you described so well, Rachel, thinking like, oh, well, I'm going to make it perfect.
It's going to be incredible. It's going to be like flawless. And then I realized very quickly, like that is a recipe for disaster. And, you know, it creates marriage into this idol. And I think it was C. S. Lewis who said that idols always [00:17:00] break the heart. And so I think there's something like really profound in that we kind of need to go through that death aspect, which is hard.
And it sounds like you kind of went through that just realizing like, man, this is not what I, you know, thought it would be. But I want to give people hope, especially young people listening who maybe are in that spot of like idolizing marriage or running from it. That it actually, that death can actually open a door.
It could bring like new life, kind of like the seasons of, you know, the year, like the winter season. We'll bring spring like there's something actually that's more real, deeper, more beautiful, more joyful than you could imagine when you were kind of just picturing this fairy tale. Sorry, absolutely, absolutely.
I always like to say that the depth to which we experience sorrow and suffering is the depth. To which we are called to experience love. And so, and then that's the real place that we are called to be is in this place of love and joy. Um, and so it's a temptation when we experience heartache and suffering to, to just kind of write it off and I don't even want to go there, but if you kind of flip it and say, I am [00:18:00] called at a deeper level to experience real love here.
I think it can provide a real place of hope. And you should hope because that's what we want. The deepest desire of our heart is a love that's going to last forever. And that's very real. Yeah. I, what you said, Joey reminded me of the, uh, you know, Jesus's parable of the seed that needs to fall to the ground and die so that it can bear abundant fruit.
And. You know, we, we think about that death a lot, but what maybe goes over our head is just the, the great power embedded in, in the seed already for it to bear abundant fruit. If it gives of itself fully to kind of make it practical, what this conversation is bringing up for me is what my counselor and therapist brought up once that I was really.
Especially during a particular time of life, a few years ago, really struggling with being a young father of young kids and seeing some ugliness that was, was coming up in situations of stress [00:19:00] and exhaustion and just not, not knowing how to deal with them. And there was a sense of hopelessness, um, that I was going in there with just like, man, what, what do I do?
Like, I want to be a great dad. I thought I was really good with kids beforehand. And I had a heart and have a heart for them, but just in these situations, I just, wow, like, I don't want to go there, you know, and so I'm, there's a fear and over and over again, my therapist would, would just say, all right, Michael, let's, let's stop right there.
And I want you to imagine, like, imagine all of that ugliness, all of the shortcomings, all of the fear, imagine the place where that is gone, where that's been healed, where that's been worked through. Thank you. Now imagine what's going to fill that place if in terms of healing, in terms of goodness, in terms of what you were truly made for to be in terms of a husband and a father, like imagine the good that that vacuum opens up.
Now, like, what would that look [00:20:00] like? And I just, I just remember that reshifting my whole perspective of not necessarily forgetting about the struggles, but reorienting them. Like, this, I, this needs to be worked on, but there's so much good that, um, is inside of me. That I meant for, and with God's grace and real help, you know, from counselors, spiritual directors, my wife and effort, you know, hard work, what good can, can be truly in its place.
So that, that gave a real sense of hope. Beautiful. No, I love that. I think, um, one of the things I've noticed in my own life is when we go through those sorts of transformations where we truly like turn a corner, we see some real improvement in our lives, like kind of a measurable improvement. Um, not necessarily with numbers, but things we can like recognize that like, wow, I'm a different person now.
Um, I think we kind of forget them over the years. I think it's kind of like we, you know, just go through life. Like it's a grind at times. It's stressful. There's a lot in our minds. There's a lot to do, never enough time to do it. Um, and I think we [00:21:00] can forget those transformations, important to remember for maybe this reason among others that they kind of prove to us that we can further transform because I know for me so often when I'm facing like a problem in my life where I'm like, okay, you know, I realized like there's some virtue needs to be built in this area or I need to, you know, change this or change that.
It can feel, you can feel stuck. It can feel really debilitating. It can feel like, man, I can't really get past that. Um, but remembering that you have done this in the past, I think is really beautiful. And then of course, you know, as both of us would say, like God's grace is going to play a major role in that as well.
But I think, I think that's really, really important, but I know we could talk forever about all of this. I did want to go back to something else you guys said, which I think is really important. And our audience want to hear more about, and that is just this reality of like vulnerability. baggage, messiness, kind of showing up within marriage.
I think that could be a very sobering experience, especially if it starts to happen in like a dating relationship where, you know, Rachel, like you said, you kind of, this kind of like even idolized version of, of Michael in your mind, you, you knew kind of, um, about him, but maybe didn't know the real [00:22:00] him. Um, or at least in.
Get to those steps at that point. And so I'm just curious when it comes to that, like, is there any advice you'd have for people who are maybe in that stage now, like they're kind of struggling with that, like, man, I thought this person was different. Um, now I'm realizing they're not, and I know this looks different in dating.
Cause if it's like a major thing, maybe you should break up. Like there's, there's nothing wrong with that. Um, in marriage. You know, obviously if you've made that commitment, it needs to be worked through. Maybe there is some serious things that need to happen in order to hopefully heal the marriage. But I'm just curious, maybe hit on both of those, the dating side of it and then the marriage side.
If someone's kind of just woken up to the fact they're not the person I thought, that they would be like, what advice would you give them? Yeah, I think let's just start at dating. That's probably the best. Um, like you said, Joey, I mean, when you're dating and you come across this person, maybe who's acting in a way or you find out parts about them that you didn't expect, there can be real red flags, you know, any type of abuse, right?
That's an absolute red flag. Lying can be like a red, a red flag. [00:23:00] Um, we've actually encountered a lot of couples who there's pornography use in the dating relationship. And we do say that's a red flag. Um, I would say, like, in general, when you have these red flags, it's not as if, okay, I need to cut off this relationship right away, unless I would say there's an abuse.
Unless it's extreme. Yeah. Extreme abuse. And then, and then to that. Yeah. Abuse is pretty extreme. But it, it's, it's more of like, Is this person willing to go through the process of healing? Because that's what marriage is in a lot of ways, as it says, it's an ongoing process of healing, of sanctification, of growing in virtue.
And so if you are dating somebody and you realize that they, um, they use pornography. Are this, is this person willing to give it up? You know, are they willing to go through that process of, of really being restored and healed? And if they are, I would say continue on with that relationship. Maybe hit a pause of like, it's not a good idea to enter into engagement or marriage right now, but let's get [00:24:00] the help that we need so that we can move forward.
That's what we're being called to doing. Yeah. I mean, the word that's coming up is accountability to come up with a plan for accountability together. This is a great way to in dating to further discern your call to marriage. Can we work together to help each other grow in these real important ways? The important thing for that is accountability to make this really Pornography, exposure, and then addiction, and then a real long struggle of seeking freedom, you know, is, is, is a huge part of my story maturing as a man.
And, um, even after my conversion in high school, then going through college and seminary and then grad school, and then in the beginnings of our dating, like I said, there was, there was this struggle for freedom. But as we were. Closing in on engagement, just really getting serious about that. I knew that I, one, that I loved her, that I wanted to [00:25:00] love her as much as possible.
And I knew pornography did not fit in that picture at all, even for myself too. But especially with her in this, in this picture. And so I knew, and this came through, you know, prayer advice from trusted people. Advisors, et cetera. I knew that I needed to be honest with her about that struggle in the appropriate ways and very prudent ways, um, in terms of details and things like that.
But and also to tell her of my conviction that. This needed to be rooted out completely. I'm willing to do it, but I need help. Um, and so we, we were able to have that conversation. Thanks be to God. And it wasn't just left at that. At that point, we were able to really work together on an accountability plan.
Every week, every week we committed and a particular time and day. We would, uh, yeah, she committed to being intentional of asking me how I was doing, have I fallen to those [00:26:00] things? And I committed to being completely honest about that. Um, And that was just one facet. I mean, we found necessary then for Michael to have accountability with some really good male friends of his to continue his counseling that it was already ongoing, you know, to seek time to actually pray together.
Um, To pray for his own healing. So all of those things kind of made up our story. And so that's why I say, when you see red flags and dating, it's not, um, it's not automatically, I need to move on. Cause if you're going to do that, you're never going to get married. That's honest. And I'll share the success story too.
I mean, I know this, it could look different, you know, it could be a lifelong struggle even after that accountability, but in our story, thanks be to God, I stand before you. It's virtually for you virtually, uh, eight years, eight years free of pornography. Um, and that, that's in God's grace, accountability of my spouse and.
So, I mean, I [00:27:00] guess then in marriage when, you know, things come up like they always will, it, it really depends on the issue, whether this is just like, are we learning how to parent together, which is a really big deal. Let's be honest. Or is it something like pornography or you're, um, some type of manipulation in, in the marriage where, Hey, this is not okay.
And, and maybe, you know, This is not just, you know, reading some books together and someone works online and having conversations. We need to seek outside help. We need to bring somebody else into this relationship to help us navigate what's going on so that we can truly love and we can truly be loved here.
Well, this happened during engagement, but as to what you said, like, are you comfortable sharing more about, you know, when we got engaged, your journey with anxiety? Sure. I mean, when Michael and I actually started dating, I was not quite sure about him and about She was happy for And about Three hours.
Yeah. And about what, what, what could be because he had kind of said [00:28:00] no in the past. Um, there was a real fear and so I experienced the luxury for the majority of our dating relationship. I was, um, in counseling for anxiety, extreme anxiety because of, no, he was, he was the trigger for something that was deeper within me and that's what I needed to realize and to work through.
Um, yeah. And so I, I pretty much was in counseling the entire time we were in dating and through a little bit of engagement to, to really see what's going on deeper here. Is it, is it Michael himself? Is he the red flag? Is this a no go? Or is there something that has gone wrong in my life in the past? Um, many different times that this is triggering.
Those, those emotions, those feelings, that woundedness that I really need to look into and peer into. Um, and I felt honored being invited into that journey, like as a boyfriend and then fiance, like to be invited into that journey with you in the appropriate ways to pray for you, to [00:29:00] support you, to, I think we even went to a counseling session together, um, work through some of that stuff too.
And that's why with dating advice, especially, it's so tempting to be like, is this person the one? Is this person the one? And then if you come up against struggles or difficulties, like, is this person the one? And my advice is always is like, don't ask that question. Do I want to be with this person today?
Like, do I desire to be with them today? And if I do, then let's keep moving forward. And until I have a very real reason that's not fear based, that I don't want to be with them anymore, then keep going. Like, keep saying yes. Keep, like, keep being vulnerable. Um, Really good stuff. Thanks for breaking down both.
That was a big question, but I love what you guys said. And I think, yeah, I think there, there's a lot of landmines that I think people step on in the dating world and then also within marriage. One of them. Yeah. Like when these things do come to light these struggles that we often maybe just run in the opposite direction.[00:30:00]
And that might not be the right course of action. In some cases it is, in other cases it's not. And so that's where it's so important, like you were just saying, to have people in your life who are speaking in those relationships. And what I always advise young people to do is, like, don't just, like, wait for that to show up.
You know, wait for people to kind of give you feedback. Actively seek it out. And, and ask those hard questions that maybe you don't really want to know the answer to, but asking questions as simple as like, you know, mom or dad, if you can have that conversation, if you can't, you know, your close friends, like, do you see any red flags in this relationship?
And, and those are like really serious things that, um, They're really helpful questions to ask because then you can understand if this person is the right person for you. But I think one of the worst pieces of advice that I had heard was that any Lack of peace in a relationship is a sign that it's not meant to be I think it's like really okay.
It seems like we're on the same page there I think it's really bad advice because especially with um my experience and rachel sounds like your experience but There can be something underneath it all that is causing the [00:31:00] anxiety, the fear, the lack of peace, not necessarily that the person isn't the right one for you.
So definitely, uh, on the same page with you guys there, I feel free to comment on any of that, but I did have one question. I think there is this like delicate line to walk where. It can be easy when one person in the relationship is struggling, whether you're dating or married, but I think it's more prominent in dating to be the savior, to be the one who kind of shows up and just says, well, I'm going to solve all your problems.
I am going to be the source of your healing as opposed to someone who's kind of walking with you, supporting you, loving you through it, but not necessarily the one who is, you know, providing all of that healing. So I'm just curious if you have any quick advice on that. Like, how do you, you already alluded to it a little bit, how there were multiple people involved helping you, but any other advice you'd add in terms of not.
Kind of becoming that savior. I think it, I think in terms of looking ourselves in the mirror and being striving for humility, you know, we, we should try and get to the point where on a daily basis where, yeah, we're, we're not the savior, right. We're not [00:32:00] someone's savior. As a, as her husband, like there have been times where she, you know, we're, we're struggling with something in our marriage or there's something happening that's, that's causing anxiety or fear or sadness or, or hope, but like, we don't know if it's going to be fulfilled that hope and, you know, I'm struggling within myself, but I see my wife struggling and that, that's a whole nother layer and I'm just There are times where I'm like, wow, this is so overwhelming of, you know, I desire, I want to be, I'm made to be her support in this, um, and vice versa.
But, but from my point of view, how can I be a support for her when I have all this turmoil going on myself? And so one that's, that's a, that's a good indication in the midst of the chaos that I can be her savior, but I am in a way her sacrament. And so I need to go to the source of that sacrament. I need to go to Christ and be like, Jesus, I'm on my knees here.
I need you to provide for me, be my stability, be [00:33:00] my pillar, be my strength, so that I can, one, be healthy and whole, but two, turn to my wife and be able to give that strength, provide that strength that you give in our marriage. Yeah, I think it's just in general, it's so important, whether you're in a dating relationship, whether you're married, whether you're single, that you realize you can't fix yourself.
And if you have this idea that I can't fix myself and I need, I need God, I need a relationship with somebody who can come in and love me in the places that I'm struggling to love myself. If I, in my, in that, just that daily life, realize I can't save myself, then when I'm in contact and when I'm in a relationship with another person, I'm not looking to him to save me and I know that I can't save him.
It's, it's always bringing another person into that. And for us, we really believe that that third person is God. And so I can't, that's why when Michael or when Michael fails, I'm not like, Oh, I married the wrong person. It's, Oh God, will you please come into this [00:34:00] place of struggle for us? Will you please come in and will you help heal this marriage?
Um, we need you. I can't heal him. He can't heal himself. We need you. Same thing as when I struggle. Like I know it's, I can't depend solely on him. Like, we need God's grace. Yeah. I'm, I'm getting this, this, the movie that's coming to mind is, it's a, it's a wonderful life and at the beginning, how. Actually, um, his wife, Mary Bailey, but then a bunch of the community, it starts off with them praying for George Bailey.
They can't save him. They're praying to God to help him. And how does he help him? It goes through the story of It's a Wonderful Life. Which you should watch, by the way. Yes. If you haven't. It is a wonderful movie. It is a wonderful movie. No, good, good stuff. And I love, um, I love too how God works through other people, like he's brought amazing mentors into my life who've just helped me grow more than I could ever imagine a dream.
So really, really beautiful. I definitely could talk to you guys forever, but I wanted to, along the lines of, you know, dating and marriage, like what are some of the topics that need to [00:35:00] be discussed before marriage? And feel free to add if you think there are some that definitely need to be discussed even before engagement.
But I'm just curious, like if you'd kind of list off some of the ones, like definitely talk about this, definitely talk about that. Yeah. Sex. Ha ha ha ha ha. Easy. Oh my, maybe not, like, maybe in the beginning of dating. For marriage, right? For marriage, so the engagement, and the enga Keep it deep real quick. I guess I did that kind of tongue, tongue in cheek or like to, but it's, it's true.
Like in, to make the point that you need to talk about the important things, the vulnerable, the things of the heart, things that really take vulnerability. And from our experience of, of accompanying couples, teaching marriage prep, we've seen that. you know, they get up to this day where we talk about the theology of the body.
We talk about, you know, the, the deepest meaning of the relationship between man and woman and God, and then including not all, but including the [00:36:00] sexual relationship and the meaning of it, the divine and human meaning of sexuality, sex itself. And you get to that point and you get to the discussions and in the feedback, they always say, These are topics we've never talked about.
We've never felt comfortable talking about until this point. Uh, yeah, it's amazing. Skirted around the issue. Yeah. It's amazing that people have been at this point in their relationship when they're engaged, um, have not maybe even talked about what their expectations are, where they first learned about sex and how that's kind of formed them.
Um, and it's, It's kind of a taboo topic in some ways, um, but the reality is when you're married, that married life, it's really, it's foundation. It's like definitive expression is this marital sexual love. And if something's wrong in the bedroom, something's wrong in the marriage. I don't, that's very, very true.
Very clear. It's this place where you're called to be completely and totally vulnerable and intimate with your spouse. Um, so I mean, [00:37:00] just going back one second, it's, you know, when you're dating, it's easy to have preliminary discussions about like finances and what our parenting styles will be. But I think a lot of times, even that, There, there are these ideas that we can kind of project in on the future.
What's it going to be like when we have kids, what's it going to be like when we have, you know, this income. But I think it's really important to stay at the level of just this place where you're called to be most intimate with your spouse and say, where are we now with this? Um, what are, yeah, where are we now?
How have we been formed? And yeah, to be able to ask some of those questions that I would say a lot of times engaged couples are really not asking. Yeah. So I mean, I think, okay, this sex is the paradigm. It's the key because why, what, what is it truly? It's a giving of your whole self freely, totally faithfully and fruitfully through your body.
Through the most intimate parts of your body, um, and, and yourself with your [00:38:00] beloved. And, and so that then provides the key to seeing, like, am I called, am I called to marry this person? In terms of, am I called to, am I able, am I comfortable, am I at the point where I can share everything, in the right ways, in the appropriate ways, with her, with my spouse, bank accounts, social media accounts.
My baggage, my woundedness. Yeah. So, say, Dating. Yeah. Maybe you're not talking, you know, specifics about expectations regarding sex yet, taking that paradigm. Like, how can I grow? Am I called to grow? Do I want to grow, uh, you know, invulnerability, sharing myself, the deepest parts, deeper parts of myself with my boyfriend or girlfriend.
Then as you progress along the, the dating engagement, and I mean, it be said, you know, like we do believe that dating. Has an end point. It's as a trajectory you're [00:39:00] discerning. Am I called to give my whole life to this person? And that goes in stages, but yeah, that, that vulnerability, that giving of self, that's what the, that's, that's the paradigm for growing in relationship.
With someone and I call it to grow deeper, more vulnerable with this person and am I at the point where I can receive this other person's vulnerability, their deepest selves and love them in that? Yeah, good stuff. No, I love that. And for those of you who may have never heard of this in the Catholic church, when you're going to get married, you take this thing called the focus inventory.
And it kind of helps to see how much of on the same page you and your potential spouse, future spouses. And I know the topics you guys just hit on are on that inventory. And it's just meant to be a, like a conversation tool where you can kind of delve deeper into those topics. So you guys mentioned sex, you mentioned money, you mentioned parenting.
Um, I know kind of like your family of origin, like your in laws is really important to talk about too. Um, and then communication styles, things like that. Really good. No, all that makes so much sense. And that's, [00:40:00] um, I think there's a lot of beauty in that. And I know with, we were going through marriage prep, we had a mentor, a couple who kind of walked us through it.
So someone who had been married much longer than, you know, we obviously were, and, uh, you know, I think they had like 30 years or something in marriage experience and they were able to kind of guide us through some discussions there and it brought some like, you know, Difficult topics that things that we haven't really discussed one of the thing I would throw in there is I think it is really important to Like you guys modeled so well to be honest about your past I think so often it's easier to not talk about that stuff There is a balance like you mentioned Michael like you don't need to divulge every little graphic detail of maybe, you know Sexual mistakes you made but it is really important So I remember, you know having that conversation with Um, my now wife, when we were just dating before we got engaged, I knew that was important for me to kind of open up to her about those things before, you know, asking her to marry me.
And so that was a really painful day, difficult conversation, but a really good and fruitful one as well. So moving on from there though, because we only have so much time left, I wanted to ask you [00:41:00] guys, um, if you would, to kind of bring us into like the, the joyful, beautiful parts of your marriage. I think, like I mentioned before, So often when we come from broken families, we, you know, run from marriage.
And I think what we need to be shown is that marriage can actually be really beautiful. It can be really joyful. It can be really, really good. And so I think, um, yeah, if you would kind of take us into that, like tell us, share us, take a picture of kind of how the good and the beautiful has existed in your family.
Marriage has helped me to, it's helped me to grow in love of My wife, my children, but also kind of in the healthy way, grow in love of myself to like be able to receive and accept the gift of myself. Why? Because I've seen love in the eyes of the other person looking back at me, even when I feel most unlovable.
Um, but also, I mean, the story that's coming up, it's like I had this. God bless my parents. But I had this kind of deformation of like being able to love myself in, in terms of gift [00:42:00] giving and gift receiving. And, uh, like, I, like, I, I love sports. I love like sports gear and things like that, basketball jerseys and things like that.
And, but I, you know, because of the, the circumstances of life, we, You know, we were forced to live very frugally growing up and that was probably the most prudent thing. But that, that caused this idea of this rebellion against material things. Like, you know, I can't, you know, more of like to the extreme of material things are not important.
It's the spiritual that's important. But these were things that really made me, me like, like, you know, but to get to the point. First year of marriage, you know, my birthday was coming up and I was like, there were things I really like loved and wanted and were excited about it came out with the new NBA basketball jerseys and I was, I was just like, you know, yeah, they were so cool and she could tell, she could tell, like, you know, me looking them up and just researching them and just enjoying them, but when it came to my birthday, she kept asking me like, what do you want?
What do you want? And I was like, ah, [00:43:00] I don't know. I don't know. And I knew, but I was too afraid to ask. I was too afraid to say this, you know, um, it costs too much money or whatever. It's not needed. And she was like, Michael, what about the jerseys you've been looking at? Something like that. And that as small as it may seem was a huge act of like being loved and who I, who I am, my joys.
Receiving healing, interior healing, a shift in vision that I can be delighted in, I can, I can be rejoiced and celebrated in, in a way that I would really receive love. Um, and so, you know, take that and then, I mean, that was already a big thing, but that's kind of an, also an image for, The joyful moments that I've experienced being married to this lady, I would say, I mean, for me, I'm thinking of like the times where I've been so overwhelmed and I'm like, I just need to, I just need like a moment out of the house and sometimes there have been certain times where I'll go out and there's, I get this moment and I'm like, Darn it.[00:44:00]
I want to be back in that craziness. Like I would choose that any day over this moment of loneliness that I'm recording, that I'm experiencing right now. Okay. That doesn't happen all the time sometimes. Um, and I just, it's that idea that I have my people like, and my, like, I'm a part of a family and a family that loves me.
And then it there's a, it's a safe place to fail. It's a place where at the end of the day, Oh gosh, love these little children at the end of the day where it's like, this has been the worst day ever. And I asked the kids like, how was your day? And you're like, it's the best day ever. It just, it put things, it puts everything in perspective to me that, you know, for them, those little, those hiccups that I experienced, those struggles, like the fact that we're just all here together, really trying to love each other for them.
That's, this is the best thing. Um, and it's really helped me kind of. It's, it's really helped me rejoice and this gift, this gift that I've [00:45:00] been given. Yeah. It made me, it made me think of too, like, uh, walking with, with Rachel and like, as her husband, seeing the times where she is struggling with something and then God provides for her in a particular way in terms of friend, I'm thinking in terms of like friendships that, that, that God has kind of just, Provided when she's needed it the most to see her kind of grow through that, that has brought so much joy to my heart.
Um, and then that it's extended to, you know, my kids, our kids, when we, when we see them just growing as people and you see their particular personalities come out. Magdalena, our oldest, she's so caring and she has this, this friend, this great friend, they're, they're thieves, thick as thieves. Um, but I remember this friend, uh, they were, they were young, still really young.
She got upset and I saw right away, she, she started crying and I saw Magdalena's eyes get really big, really concerned. And she ran off trying to find a toy to give to her, to console her. Like those moments where, [00:46:00] Yeah. I'm just inspired by my kids and I can, I'm just led to gratitude and joy. And yeah, those, those are really bright moments of Thanksgiving and gratitude and for the gift of marriage.
Yeah. Life is meant to be shared. That's just no other way around it. You're meant to live, live in communion with others. So good. Thanks for sharing all that. And now I remember, um, the researcher, Brené Brown saying that in the absence of love and belonging, there's always suffering and another way, I guess, to say that it's like, like you said, Rachel, we're made for love, we're made for belonging, like we're made for other people.
And certainly there's challenges that come along with that, but there's so much good and so much beauty. And yeah, just kind of reflecting on how I might answer this question. I was just thinking like, yeah, there's, there's like a lot of challenges within marriage and family life, but there's so much good kids to say the cutest.
Most hilarious thing I remember one morning I was up with my daughter up with Lucy and I was asking her Hey, Lucy, like what do you want for breakfast? And she's like, I want ice cream for breakfast. That's like [00:47:00] I was like that that's a good answer, but it's it's not very common I said to eat eat ice cream for breakfast and she's like she looked at me.
She's like no, it's really common Don't understand. So like, she got me , , um, and like 1,000,001 other cute things. I have like a note on my phone, like Apple note on my phone of just like ridiculously cute things that she said and just like love that, love seeing, you know, her kind of experiencing things for the first time and just how much love like she has for us too is really, really beautiful.
Just like the affection or like you, you guys described with your daughter, she just like, is very empathetic. Like if we go anywhere and a baby's like crying off way in the distance, she's like. She's like, she's like, she's like, baby's sad, baby's sad. Um, so there's a lot of beauty there and it's just really the favorite, my favorite part of the day to spending time with her.
But yeah, when within marriage, I think too, there are a lot of different seasons. I think that's an important thing to mention too, where you're going through like just harder times and there's times where it's like more [00:48:00] joyful and less. challenging and yeah, I think both kind of play on each other. And yeah, I remember just traveling with my wife has been one of the funnest things we haven't been able to do a lot recently, but years ago we, you know, went to Italy and we, um, had like just a beautiful trip there.
And there were certainly some challenges even on the trip. I'm not going to like sugarcoat that, but like those like kind of peaks, the highlight moments were just like. Gosh, this is bliss. This is heavenly. And so I think, um, you know, if you expect your marriage to be like that constantly, you're going to be disappointed.
Um, but there certainly is a lot of that along the way and the harder I think you work at your marriage and making it healthy, uh, the more of those that will, will come about and you can actually kind of engineer them. You can create those two, um, with some creativity. You don't just need to like throw money at things like taking really expensive trips and things like that.
So anyway, a lot of good stuff there, um, that you guys shared. Thank you so much for that. Um, I, uh, man, I want to talk to you guys forever, but I do want to kind of end on this note of just kind of what are some of the signs of a healthy marriage and family? Um, I think this is really important to see because so often in our world we see dysfunctional broken [00:49:00] families and marriages.
And so kind of what would you guys say are some of the signs of a healthy marriage and family? I'm going to start. Can you say, I'm sorry to each other. And that means everybody within the family. And that's something I've learned. I've definitely learned. Michael has modeled that for me to be able to know that you've done something wrong and to ask for forgiveness, um, and to say that, you know, I'm sorry.
And so, um, that's been really important, whether it's between, you know, something that's gone on between Michael and myself or between me and the kids that I've, you know, maybe not handled a situation the way I should have to, to ask for their forgiveness. I think it was sister Miriam James Heidman that said that, you know, in those places of woundedness that the depth or like the woundedness, there's the healing is even more important.
How does that go? Oh, yeah, I know. Like, sometimes we despair in the rupture of relationships, but we can rest assured the repair The repair is even greater. Is always greater than the rupture. Yes. That's a great way to put it. [00:50:00] The repair is always greater than the rupture. And so, yeah, if the reality is that there's going to be struggles, then are you able to, are you able to enter into them?
Are you able to say, I'm sorry? Are you able to ask forgiveness? And so we even have our kids model this, you know, when they do something wrong to be able to admit what they've done wrong and ask, like, do you forgive me? And then for the other child to be saying like, yes, I forgive you, which happens all the time because they're, they're so generous with their love.
Um, and it's just, that's, that's been really helpful for me. Oh my God. I heard a father of the bride say once at a wedding, like, you know, there'll be, there's the three important words, three beautiful words, I love you. But then he's, he talked about in marriage, you know, sometimes the more important words in the moment are other three words, I am sorry, I love you.
And I forgive you. And I think that goes to the fact that the family and marriage is like the whole gift of it is the fact that it's, uh, it's supposed to be the model and the experience of love, [00:51:00] true love, divine love, love that lasts forever. Even when we feel most unlovable, even when we've done things wrong or messed up.
So I, I second that wholeheartedly. Can, can you apologize truly? And can you forgive truly? That's a great sign. Other, other signs I thought of were, we're not talking about, you know, happy go lucky all the time, but there should be a abiding sense of joy that radiates from a healthy, not perfect, healthy family, you know, not, not, All the time, but an abiding sense of joy and gratitude.
And I think that that comes when the family is not turned in on itself, but realizes that they're seeking that source of joy from outside themselves, whether that be, you know, other families or especially ultimately God, like we're all relying on God here, right? We are. And so, um, I think really a joyful family is a faithful family.
Yeah, I mean, let's go there. I mean, because our, our encouragement, [00:52:00] our conviction is that, you know, God is the one who is faithful. I know so many of us have had experiences that have clouded our vision of God, but when those Those vision of those things that have clouded our vision are pulled back even for a second.
We can come to see God as, as the one who loves us, even when we've turned our back from him on him time after time after time. And this is what the cross is. This is, it's not just kind of the, the symbol of Christianity or, or our leader who rose from the dead, defeated death, but someone who went to the end of death, uh, of who went to the end of love and rejection by his own people.
And yet he's still, he never turned his back. He opened himself to them and gave himself to us. Um, and this is the model of love that our marriage is supposed to find its source in and radiate outwards. It's the model. It's the source, which our family is [00:53:00] striving to thrive off on. And bring to others in the messy, imperfect way that, that we're able to.
Love that. And that was one of the things I left out of the focus inventory. It's your relationship with God. It's super important to be on the same page of like what you believe and how you express that belief. So really, really good. And yeah, no, it's such a big question of like, what are the signs of a healthy marriage and family?
So I appreciate you guys like answering it. Some of the things that I even learned from you earlier in the conversation was, um, No, like a healthy marriage, maybe just focusing on that for a second, is able to make conflict healthy. They're able to kind of navigate the difficult waters of conflict and I know there's been a lot of research by the Gottman Institute and everything on that.
If you guys are interested, Dr. John Gottman and his team have been researching this for many, many years. They have a lot of great advice and tools for you to use. Navigate that because that could be a really difficult thing, especially if you come from a broken family, learning how to make that healthy when you've only seen examples of it going horribly wrong.
Other things I, you know, you guys mentioned too, like having a healthy sex life, having like intimacy, having [00:54:00] not something that, you know, is infrequent, but something that, um, is somewhat regular and, and beautiful. Like there's intimacy. There is not something that, you know, is a cause for division or something that's demanded, but it's just like that giving of self.
To each other, you know, going to the finances to just being on the same page, right? Not to say you need to be like millionaires or be have every system figured out. But I think being on the same page, having a budget, things like that is like a really good sign of a healthy marriage and therefore a family.
Um, I know for a lot of reasons, the young people in our audience, they especially need to hear. about boundaries when it comes to family situations. So like in laws and things like that, not done out of spite or done out of, you know, hate or anything, but just making sure it's like, Hey, you know, this is the way that we are going to interact with our family.
Especially if there's a lot of drama and brokenness in one side of the family. What else though? What else would you guys add? And what one, uh, I was thinking of one with the children, like, I think a sign of a healthy family is that the children feel free to fail. Like they're not, they don't feel that they need to have this, like, You know, perfect [00:55:00] track record.
They, they feel truly this freedom that they can try new things that can fail. They have like this level of autonomy. They're not like being, you know, overshadowed by their parent. Who's like punishing them for doing things wrong. And, um, you know, just that, or maybe, you know, coddling them, like there, there's some autonomy, some freedom they're given the kind of room to grow, I think is a really important sign.
So there's so much more we can say, but I'm just curious what else you guys would add. You've done so many good ones. You've met in so many situations, you mentioned being on the same page. And so yeah, that really, that really gets to the communication being on the same page in terms of how we discipline our children in terms of yes, you know, helping them to understand where we're in the boundaries, but something that Rachel's really read about and encouraged me to think about and embraces how is our discipline helping form them as persons, not just control their behavior.
Right. And so, um, and that, that's really the loving approach to discipline, to parenting, but yeah, that, that, that's been [00:56:00] such a place of conflict, then needing to resolve that conflict and get on the same page and then trying, trying to work together. So, yeah, no, I don't, I think you really had something when you said that giving the child a safe place to fail.
I think it really is the family. The family needs to be the safe place where I can fail and where I know I'm going to be loved. That's, I mean, that's huge because if, if I feel like I have to be perfect all the time for my spouse, for my children, and then, you know, minute two of the day that doesn't happen, well, then the whole day is ruined.
Um, and, and so the family, a really sign of a healthy family is like, I know I can fail here and I'm still going to be loved for every member that's involved. And that's the motivation and the source of the strength to then continue to grow. To grow. To grow. To seek help. Yes. And yeah, and I think that to like having a sign of a healthy family is a healthy family is with other healthy families.
Um, in relationship with other healthy [00:57:00] families. It's never good if the family is completely solitary and isolated by themselves. Boundaries. Absolutely. We've been there that needs to be in place. But healthy families gravitate, people gravitate towards healthy families. Yeah. You're talking friendships too, I mean, we've experienced where like a great source of fruitfulness in our marriage is, you know, having friends together, but also, um, having good, He has good male friends, good female friends, and then we're able to, you know, in the timing that works with our marriage, be able to go out for continue to grow as men in relationship with other men, women, etc.
And then we come back energized, able to then kind of report everything that we received and back into the family. And so it isn't, yeah. Like, in some ways, you know, reality is yes, you die to yourself when you enter into marriage, but the reality is you, you're called to die to yourself every day. Um, there, there is something [00:58:00] still within marriage where you're also called to continue to grow as an individual.
Like, I'm not lost because I've married Michael. I'm actually more myself. Because I've married Michael. You shouldn't be coming close to yourself by, I mean. In that marriage, in that family. I'm not lost because I'm a mother. I've had to give up a lot of things, but actually motherhood takes nothing away from who I'm called to be.
And so I think it's being aware of those things and shifting our perspective. Because a lot of times we do think that I have to sacrifice everything if I get married. But that's not the case. I actually become more of who I'm called to be if I get married. And if I enter into being a mother. Those sacrifices, those deaths itself actually lead to a, an emergence of more of who you are.
Love that. And like you said, it makes you more of yourself, which is so beautiful. I, goodness, there's so much I want to say, but I know we're out of time. A couple of final thoughts on this. Um, I think, A healthy [00:59:00] family, one of the signs of a healthy family marriage is that, like, you play together. You pray together and you play together.
I've heard it said, like, the family that prays together and plays together stays together. I think that's so true. Um, I think there is, in the healthiest families, like I've known, there's this sense of, like, peace and joy. Like, yes, there's stress. Yes, it's there's hard times, but it's not like constant.
There's a bit of like surrender and it's like, Hey, you know, we're going to get through whatever comes our way, um, which is I think really, really beautiful. And one of the things I wanted to mention too, if anyone's listening to this and maybe you have a marriage that's not in a healthy place, maybe it is dysfunctional and you're maybe even discouraged by hearing these things.
I just want to say, like, when it comes to our bodies, when we discover any sort of dysfunction, we discover illness or, you know, brokenness within our bodies, it's just a sign that we need help. It's just a sign that we need to go to the doctor. It's a sign that we need to some level of healing, and it's the same in our marriages and our families.
And so just would encourage you all, um, the Alexander house is one of the organizations that we direct marriages to that are struggling. So look them up. The Alexander house. We'll throw the link in the show notes. Um, the [01:00:00] book, impossible marriages redeemed by Layla Miller. Who's been on this show.
Different times. It has really beautiful stories of couples who were struggling, who are in a really rough spot, who were able to, you know, by God's grace and a lot of time, that's an important point. Um, they're able to transform their marriages into something like really beautiful and happy even. And so there's a couple of things I would mention, but just don't be discouraged.
Take courage in the fact that the fact that other people have done it means that you can do it too. But guys, with that, I'm just curious if people want to connect with you, want to follow you online, how could they find you? That's all him. Yeah. The best place is to go to Instagram or Facebook at AllThingsNueva, like our last name, Villanueva.
AllThingsNueva. Yeah. At AllThingsNueva. Yeah. That's the best place. Or AllThingsNueva at gmail. com. There you go. Yeah. If you want to contact us. There you go. Yeah. And I know you guys do speaking engagements and you have your own podcasts and things like that. So if you guys want to reach out to Rachel and Michael, please do.
In closing, I want to give you guys a final word first. Thank you so much for coming on the show. Uh, just. benefit a lot from your wisdom. And [01:01:00] I know our listeners have too. And we'll just, yeah, help thousands and thousands of people for years to come. And so just, yeah, what final encouragement advice would you give to everyone listening to close us down?
You are worthy of being loved. Yeah, I just want everyone to know that you're worthy of being loved. And you're not alone. You're not alone. You have a loving father in heaven. And Whether or not that's where you're at, like I'll be praying for you and we'll be praying for you that, uh, that the love of the father shines through.
We plan to put on more content like this in the future, especially about what a healthy marriage and family looks like. So we all know what to aim at when we're going about building our own marriages and families. So keep an eye out for that in the future. But in the meantime, if you want more practical tips on how to build healthy relationships and a great marriage, we have a free guide for you.
The truth is that all of us want love, but if we're honest, we're not perfect. really sure how to go about building it, and to make matters worse, we're often [01:02:00] discouraged by the prevalence of divorce and fidelity, all the bad things we see in the marriages around us, and we might even fear that our own marriage will end that way, especially if we saw any of that in our parents marriage.
In this practical guide for singles and couples, we offer a roadmap for love based on marriage research, time tested couples and Christianity's wisdom, the guide gives seven really practical tips that you can use to build healthy relationships and even a divorce proof marriage. And so if you want to get the free guide, and there's a bonus talk that comes along with it that I mentioned at the beginning of the episode, just go to restoredministry.
com slash marriage. RestoredMinistry. com slash marriage or just click on the link in the show notes. That wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling because of their parents divorce or broken family, feel free to share this podcast with them. Honestly, they're going to be so grateful that you did it.
I know I would have been grateful if someone had done this for me years ago. And in closing, always remember that you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break that cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life. And keep in mind the words of C. S. Lewis, who said, you can't go back and change the beginning, [01:03:00] but you can start where you are and change the ending.
