126: Former Porn Actress: Over 90% of People in Porn are from Broken Families | Bree Solstad
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Bree Solstad went from being a top-selling porn actress to quitting her job and completely turning her life around. That transformation started because of a trip to Italy.
In this episode, she tells us about that and answers questions like:
What led you to pornography in the first place?
How did your broken family and abandonment from your father play into that?
What percentage of performers in porn come from divorced or broken families? It’ll shock you
What has helped you begin to heal your wounds?
What would you say to people who believe that porn is harmful and not wrong?
Visit Bree’s Etsy shop, Ave Maria Every Day
Follow Bree on X (former Twitter) and Instagram
Listen to the Healing Sexual Brokenness series
For Men: Buy the Book: Forged: 33 Days Toward Freedom by Jason Evert and Matt Fradd
For Women: Join a Magdala Ministries group
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
[00:00:00] We normally don't start episodes like this, but I wanted to issue a little bit of a trigger warning because this episode does contain mature content. And so if you're listening around other people, especially kids, uh, we definitely recommend putting in earphones. But with that, my guest today went from being a top selling porn actress to quitting her job and completely turning around her life.
Her amazing transformation started on a trip to Italy. And so in this episode, she tells us all about that and answers questions like, What led you to pornography in the first place? How did your broken family and the abandonment from your father play into that decision? What, what percentage would you say of people in the porn industry come from divorce and broken families?
You're going to be shocked by her answer. Uh, what has helped you to begin to heal yourself? Your wounds heal your brokenness. Do you ever feel tempted to go back into that life? And what advice would you give to a girl who's maybe considering getting into pornography or feel stuck in it? And then finally, what would you say to people who believe that porn is not harmful or wrong?
Such an [00:01:00] inspiring story. Stay with us. Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents, divorce, separation, or broken family. So you can break that cycle. I'm your host, Joey Panarelli. This is episode 126. We're so happy that so many of you have found the podcast helpful and even healing.
We've heard a lot of great feedback. One listener said this, I was brought to tears with your podcast. I agree. There are no resources out there for kids of divorced parents. My parents had no specific reason for their divorce, but now that I'm about 30, I'm looking back and seeing how huge of an impact this has had.
on my life. Love that this leans into Christian principles. Some good came out of my story, too. Again, we're so happy to hear it's been helpful and even healing. We do it for you. Today's [00:02:00] episode is sponsored by Blackstone Films. In a recent survey by Adobe, 98 percent of Gen Z and 91 percent of Millennials said video is their top content choice.
It's not really surprising, but if you run a business or a ministry, are you taking advantage of that? Are you using video content, especially in your marketing? If you're like most of us, you know, you need to create video content, but there's so many barriers to doing it. Like you don't know how, you don't know who to hire.
You don't have the time to learn and so on. And can kind of leave you feeling, uh, Overwhelmed to the point where you just kind of give up on the idea and go back to what you know, what's comfortable, but that's where Blackstone Films can help you. They're a Catholic film and video production company that creates films that make you feel.
They can create things like trailers, promo videos and commercials, uh, social media, videos, documentaries, fundraising videos, uh, and even courses. We actually produced two courses with them, two video courses, and we just had an excellent experience. And so whatever you need, Blackstone is obsessed about helping you not just create video content, [00:03:00] but create a clear win for your business or ministry, such as fundraise for your ministry, sell a course, get leads for your business, get students to sign up for your school, promote your event, and so much more.
Blackstone has reached millions around the globe with their videos, and they can help you too. And so if you want to view their past projects and the services that they offer, just contact them. Uh, go to Blackstonefilms. co, not com. Again, that's Blackstonefilms. co or just click on the link in the show notes.
My guest today is Brie Solstad. After a past full of regrets, she converted to Christianity. She was a former Top selling porn actress and producer who had a radical conversion to Christ that began in the Catholic churches of Italy. After having a profound experience at the tomb of St. Clair of Assisi, Brie's sinful life began to come to an end.
Brie quit all pornography, gave up her income, changed her life, and officially joined the Catholic church at [00:04:00] Easter in 2024. Brie now handcrafts one of a kind, in person, porn. heirloom quality, rosaries, and other Christian jewelry on a humble little Etsy shop called Ave Maria every day. We'll put the link in the show notes for you guys.
Bri is known on Twitter and Instagram as Miss B converted and has been utilizing her rapidly growing social media presence to share her growing faith and convince others to turn away from the plague of pornography. In this episode, we do talk about God and faith. And if you don't believe in God, you're totally welcome here.
Anyone who's been listening to this podcast for a while knows this is not a strictly religious podcast. And so wherever you're at, I'm really glad that you're here. If you don't believe in God, my challenge to you is this, just listen with an open mind, even if you were to skip or take out the God parts, you're still going to benefit a lot from this.
this episode and for even Christians listening who, who might object to some of what Brie believes. Again, my challenge is just to listen with an open mind too. And I think, you know, kind of rejoice or revel in the fact that she completely turned her life around. With that, here's my chat [00:05:00] with Brie. Brie, so good to have you.
Welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having me. It's, uh, just an honor to be here. I'm so excited to just dive into your story because your transformation is just incredible. I'm so inspired by it and I love, you know, hearing more about that from anyone who's had any sort of story like yours. And so I want to get to that.
But before we get there, I'd like to start with your former life. What led you to pornography and sex work? Well, honestly, I've been trying to pinpoint like, what is the linchpin in my life that, you know, put me on this path? And I'm still not really sure exactly what it was. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that I was raised with a single mother as an only child.
I didn't really have the dynamic of both people in my life, and that really trickled into so much. I think just having these, you know, These thoughts, maybe even in the back of my mind, my [00:06:00] subconscious of like feelings of abandonment that, you know, my father didn't want me. That sort of thing. And then really it was just the priorities in my life.
I never made God my number one priority, but I also never made myself my number one priority. Like I never really considered much of my own self worth. And from there it just spiraled out of control, you know, and I look back and it's almost like I was telling myself, this is how every 20, you know, 20 year old lives, you know, going from meaningless job to meaningless job and then just partying all the time, um, being reckless, being promiscuous.
And really, I think that a great deal of what contributed to my abuse of alcohol, my abuse of my body, my degradation, my feelings of not being worthy, I think really stemmed from when I went away to college. I [00:07:00] suddenly felt this newfound freedom, if you will, and not freedom that you think like, oh, I'm away from home and I get to make my own decisions.
No. My whole life being with a single parent, only child, my whole life was that kind of freedom where I always made my own decisions. I was extremely independent. I had to be. My mother worked all the time. I was alone all the time. I was a latchkey kid. That's why I really like crafts and animals and plants.
Like those are things that you can do by yourself. And then when I went away to school, it was suddenly like, I don't have to be the other adult in the And I didn't even realize any of this until later. You know, it was just ingrained in me and I suddenly was free to make my own decisions, but free in a way where I had this safety net of, you know, I live in a dorm room.
There are other people who are partying, uh, like they're skipping class. It seems like this could be okay for me. And this is lots of fun, you know, just having no boundaries, no [00:08:00] limits. It seemed like, like I was just really, really happy when I truly wasn't. No, it's so good. Thanks for sharing all that. And it's so fascinating.
You know, our audiences, you know, comes from, you know, broken families and there's so many wounds there. But one of the things I learned from Dr. Bob Schutz is that at the root of every wound really is a deprivation of love. And so, And so it's only natural that we would seek some form of love, even if it's not real, to fill that void.
And, you know, I think that the partying, like the seeming acceptance by the group of friends, because I fell into that when I was younger too, it feels good. It's appealing. We feel like we belong. And especially for people like us who maybe didn't feel like we belonged even in our own families because they were so broken, it can be really attractive to kind of go Go into that lifestyle.
And so, yeah, this whole thing of coming from a broken family, it's so interesting how so many of us, you know, kind of look for love in all the wrong places. And then we even, and I know we're going to get more into this, but we even sexualize our pain. We [00:09:00] sexualize what we dealt with. One of the fascinating statistics on this comes from Dr.
Patrick Carnes. I've mentioned this on the show before. He's a expert on sexual addiction, and he found that 87 percent of people who struggle with a sexual addiction or compulsion come from a broken family. Almost 90%. Which is just like, it's mind blowing, but like you said, it does make sense. So it's not surprising.
Like, I think when I look at my, um, younger self and, you know, when I hear your story, it's like, it makes sense. Like, it makes sense given what you've been through. It's not okay, but it makes sense given what you've been through. And, I mean, like I said, I don't know what the exact linchpin is and, you know, my mother raised me in the best way that she could, but there was definitely something lacking.
So then when this new opportunity came about, I just jumped on it. Like the idea of, you know, working from home and making a bunch of money and, and it just happens to be pornography, but you know, whatever. That was kind of, um, where my morals were at that point in my life. Because you had kind of walked down that path [00:10:00] of you know partying and pleasure seeking And it really kind of led you to a point that it almost was like a Not too big of a jump at that point.
Is that right? Yeah, so it really just Accumulated it began in college and then continued accumulating this addiction or this lifestyle Which actually then ultimately led to an addiction to alcohol or you know The alcohol addiction is always in there somewhere, but it was like the catalyst that then drove me to admitting my alcoholism.
Um, I mean, there's so many things in my life that we could unpack. Like I didn't even, I'm just, you know, throwing this on you now that, Oh yeah, I'm also a recovering alcoholic. Um, but, um, but that doesn't really have much to do with my conversion story. So I haven't really mentioned that. But one thing I want to tell you specifically that I haven't told anybody else when I was in college, I was engaged and participated when I went to class, but partying and especially drinking and sleeping [00:11:00] around.
We're my number one priorities to the point where, even though I loved going to class, I loved learning, I loved studying environmental science was my major partying, just took over everything else so that like I couldn't get up. I was too hungover to go to class. So then, and then I started skipping class and then more and more and more, and it just became more and more acceptable.
And the thing that I'd like to tell you and your listeners is that one thing I'm truly ashamed of is I went to a Lutheran university and I got a scholarship there from my church. These people, this elderly couple, they spent their retirement fund sending me to college and I completely wasted that opportunity and that's one of the things that, you know, I've, I've really struggled with that decision that I made and the, the way that I just completely wasted not only like my time, my energy, [00:12:00] but their money also.
It's a decision that. I would urge others to take seriously. If you're given an opportunity like that, don't waste it. Yeah, no. Thanks for sharing that too, and No, your transformation is so beautiful. We'll get to that shortly, but it makes so much sense again Everything that you went through kind of where you landed and I remember talking to in another interview Jay Stringer Who's this awesome author and therapist?
He was talking about this whole experience of coming from you know, a broken family and enduring trauma like you did and yeah He says the first experience often is one of fragmentation where we just feel really broken. We feel like our life is not cohesive It's not integrated. It's just so broken Broken into pieces and such a mess, really, to put it in simple terms.
And that usually leads us to seek out some form of numbing ourselves because the pain is too much to bear. And so, you know, like you said, in your story, it was alcohol, it was partying, it was sex, all that stuff. And my story was principally, you know, pornography and other sexual sins. Um, it was just like, I needed something to numb the pain.
That was my way of coping. [00:13:00] Precisely. Getting out of this reality here and now. Like there was an easier, it was an escape. It was a way to get away from just the difficulties of facing, you know, my parents splitting apart, just all the drama and sadness that came with that. And, um, and then that leads to, so again, we started with fragmentation, that brokenness, then we led to numbing, which looks different for different people, and then finally you kind of end up in isolation where it's just this intense loneliness where like, man, I regret what I've done, but I'm still feeling the pain.
And I feel like no one's there for me. There's no one there to like, as Jay Singer says, like, catch my tears, to hold my face, to see me like go through this and just love me through it. And so then we get in the cycle, we then feel more broken and fragmented. We then need to know more and then we'd feel a bit more isolated.
And then we just go down into this endless pit. Does that seem to describe your story? Yeah. Definitely in terms of my addictions, in terms of my bad decisions, but also in terms of producing [00:14:00] pornography where like it's, it's not an addiction. Um, it's not something for which like women need a support group, but it can be very isolating.
It can be, You know, intoxicating and you can easily feel trapped. I remember, you know, when I considered giving up this life, this career, I was really scared. I was really nervous about the money, but then I started thinking, okay, well let's consider, you know, you don't have to go on these extravagant trips or buy these.
ridiculously overpriced shoes anymore. That's perfectly fine. I'm willing to give up all that because of, you know, the happiness that I found within myself and the relationship that I have with God now. But let's even, let's take all of that out of the equation and say that, okay, you can get like a, just an average job, you know, like at a garden center or something.
That'd be fun, fruitful, pun intended, but who's going to hire you? Like, what are you going to write on the application? Like, forget about seeming professional and showing up with a resume. Okay. [00:15:00] Like, even if you're just going to pencil in on some application, they've Xeroxed for you. What are you going to say?
There's nothing you can't, you can't even use some flowery euphemism, like, you know, artistic entertainer, or like, that's just going to lead to more questions and you're trapped because you feel like you've done this for so long that you don't know how to do anything else. And then, you know, tragically, a lot of people in this industry also feel like they've done this for so long and it kind of, and it weighs on them and it seeps into their subconscious to the point where then they don't feel like they're worthy of doing anything else.
Like, this is not only all that they can do, but this is all that they can do. They're trapped in so many different ways. And I think that addiction is similar, but both, you know, are about reexamining your priorities, reexamining your life, and asking yourself, like, is this really what I want? Is this really, you know, helpful to me?
And then also being honest with yourself, which is hard to do when you're in the throes of addiction, especially. How many [00:16:00] years did you end up doing pornography for? And I'm curious, like, were there regular intervals where you felt like, man, I don't know if I should be doing this. I need to get out of it.
I was in the industry for just under 10 years and honestly, no, it really wasn't until I started going to church regularly that I even considered leaving the industry. That is something that I think will come in time. I'm still like, Unpacking a lot of things that have gone on in my life and and it's kind of funny It's like almost a timeline of like things that I regret and they come up almost in the same Timeline that they occurred or that I did them and I think I'm not quite to the point where I'm ready to really examine the effects of what I did through pornography because at the time I know that Like, now, I, I regret what I did, but at the time, I didn't consider that it was wrong at all.[00:17:00]
I would use my money for myself, but also, like, I was able to, you know, buy my mom really extravagant Mother's Day gifts, or, you know, send my godmother a bouquet for Mother's Day. The re It's funny, I mention this now, because it was just recently Mother's Day, and I remember, and like, now, I'm like, I don't have enough money to send them these big, huge bouquets anymore.
But that's okay, you know? And my godmother doesn't know. But my mom understands that I'm not making as much money anymore. And it's not like they would expect these things. But it's just, it's also kind of ridiculously humorous to think that I was buying these Mother's Day bouquets for these women in my life with the money that I made from pornography.
And I never considered that it was ridiculous. I never considered that my life was just kind of ridiculous, like, full of sin, full of pride, full of vanity, and full of loneliness, full of hopelessness. [00:18:00] You feel trapped in so many different ways, and this is yet another way. Like, you feel trapped mentally, because your mind is telling you one thing, but also telling you a different thing.
And it's so easy to justify. I know this from my addictions with alcohol, as well as, like, all the detrimental things that I did throughout my career in pornography. It's so easy to justify that this is fine. Or even just, I won't think about it now. I'll think about it tomorrow. And just move on. But I urge, I urge people not to do that.
I urge people, really, to just take an examination of your consciousness. Take an examination of your feelings, also. That's something that I really didn't do enough. And be honest with yourself. Are you actually happy? And I read this in a self help book once, and the book itself wasn't really that good. I don't even remember the title of it, but there's one part that was really good, and it said something like, ask yourself, what would my life look like if I stopped drinking?
If I stopped producing pornography? If I stopped [00:19:00] watching pornography? And then really think about that. And again, it's easy to lie to yourself. But I think that most people would say that their lives look so much better without their addiction, without this overwhelming sin. And we're, we're all sinners continually all the time.
Um, some more than others, but that's not a reason to continue doing it. That's not a justification. You're not alone, but at the same time, like expect more from yourself. You know try to do better. I'm not really sure what the question was. Yeah. No. No, I love that advice. No, that's so good Yeah No I love that advice because I think you're right a lot of people and perhaps this is what you were going through when you're in The midst of this is we kind of get in this autopilot Mode in life or survival mode like we get these opportunities in life We kind of walk through those doors and then our life is the way it is and we kind of have this feeling that it's Always just gonna be this way And we don't think we can really grow or improve and our life can get better.
And so we just kind of continue on that path. Because change [00:20:00] is hard. Transforming is hard. You know, it's not easy to go from being, you know, out of shape to getting into really good shape. It's not easy to, you know, go from, you know, Maybe not having skills that are, can be paid a lot of money to getting those skills to being paid a lot of money.
Not to say that's like, needs to be a goal for everyone, but just giving it as an example. And so, um, it's hard and it's a lot easier, it's a lot more comfortable not to do that. And like, you know, you said before too, there's this question of like, worth. It's like, well, You know, I, even if I maybe could pull that off, which I don't really think I could, you know, I'm really, I'm not worth it.
I'm, I'm not someone who, you know, people would look at and say like, Oh yeah, they're definitely going to be able to do that and make it. And they're definitely, you know, have a lot of confidence and dignity or whatever we want to call it. So I think it makes so much sense. And the thing you said about justifying too, it's a fascinating in, uh, when you build a home.
Um, I guess this is in like, um, architecture and in carpentry when a wall is crooked, like, let's say one of the studs is like, you know, the wall is kind of leaning over the, the action of straightening it [00:21:00] as justifying it. And so in life, like we only feel the need to justify things that aren't like, uh, on the straight and narrow.
And so, like you were saying, I think that's a good, a little litmus test too, for things. It's like, Do you feel the need to justify the way you're living your life right now? Do you feel the need to, you know, say that it's okay when in reality it might not be? And so I think that there's so many lessons in what you said.
And the final thing I was going to say was, when it comes to the shift out of that industry, my goodness, how scary. Like seriously, I think that that can't be overstated. It's like, this is literally, especially since that was pretty much after college onward, that was what you knew that was your job, that was your skill set.
And so going on to do something out, you're truly just starting from zero in a lot of ways, you know, maybe there's some, Lessons and virtues that you already had baked into you that you can use but my goodness that is scary I've heard it similar with like, you know, like Protestant pastors who convert to Catholicism just as one example You know They literally have been running a church their livelihood comes from that their friendships like their family even [00:22:00] and then they you know convert to Catholicism, let's say.
And then it's like, well, now I don't have a job. I might not even have a family. I don't have a church. Like, it's like devastating. So there are those sorts of careers that I think it'd be really, really difficult to shift out of. So yeah. Any thoughts on that before we continue on? Well, it's especially frustrating for me because in the industry that I was, I wasn't just a performer.
I was a producer. Like my favorite thing was editing videos and doing crazy things with like green screen and special effects and that sort of thing. I took a class at a community college for these things and got really into it and I'm really good at it and it's lots of fun. But that's another frustrating element is like when I was Going through my conversion, I was watching a lot of videos online and I was thinking, well, maybe like for the, for example, like the Catholic hippie, she sometimes plugs rosaries, like, um, promotes them, people who sell them.
So I thought, [00:23:00] And we'll get into that, but I now sell rosaries and um, I thought, okay, maybe we could do an exchange like she could promote my rosary business and I could edit her videos for her. And then I was like, I can't send her any of my work. What am I going to do? Like, just, okay, pretend like I'm wearing like all my clothes and that I'm saying things that are completely different and tell me what you think.
Like, that's not going to work. Can't do that, yeah. I can't expose this woman to what I did. And so that, yeah, that's another frustrating thing is, I mean, I think you do pick up some skills that are like, that could be. beneficial in the real world. But again, you, you can't use them. You can't apply them to anything because of your past.
Yeah. Okay. No, I get that. You, it's hard. You can't show any sort of like track record cause you want to leave that life behind and yeah, totally makes sense. And thanks for sharing all of that. And I want to go back to your family situation. I'm just curious, um, Yeah, just over the years, the struggles and kind of brokenness, [00:24:00] wounds you've, you've dealt with when it comes to just the fact that your dad was absent from your life.
You mentioned abandonment and things like that. Um, yeah, just curious if you had anything to add on top of what we've already talked about when it comes to just how that experience contributed to this life and yeah, how hard that was too. I think that a lot of my story, it's hard for me to say that I completely regret everything because everything led me to where I am now.
And to have such a great appreciation for my mindset, for the love that I feel for myself, for others, It's from adversity that these things came about, but really what I think, what I think about a lot is another person's life, and how great it would be if they could skip all of that. And I think that for me coming, like being, coming from my situation, my home life, there weren't all that many opportunities.
to [00:25:00] better my situation. But I think that being around people who do have, you know, a secure home life, who do have confidence in themselves, who think highly of themselves, who, who have God in their life. I think that that's something that's really beneficial. And also, just not feeling so alone. I know that, I mean, you were, in some cases, abandoned.
Like, in a lot of cases, you know, I think that it's harder sometimes, maybe if you're used to having a father figure or both parents, and then suddenly there's this shift and there's this change, and like, what did I do, what did I, But for me, I never knew my father. So, and he wasn't somebody who my mother respected.
Uh, we actually referred to him as the sperm donor as I was growing up. And it was kind of like a little joke. But I now realize that even that little joke has had an effect on how I view men. How I viewed relationships. How I viewed [00:26:00] intimacy, like all these things have come about because I was raised in a single parent home and I'm not sure that they, that that, I mean, I know that that's not the only factor, but if you're in that sort of situation, like don't be afraid to ask for help.
With your child and, or, you know, or your own life and bringing more faith and more goodness into your life. I think that, that, that always helps. I couldn't agree more. For me, the kind of pivots in my life, the times where I was able to kind of turn a corner, break through, whatever you want to call it, came one when I got new friends.
You know, I've heard your friends are like an elevator. They either take you up or take you down. And the friends I was hanging around with, they were certainly taking me down. They were like my sports buddies and I loved them, you know, and I still look back on them. I don't like hate them by any means. I think that they came from really broken situations too.
And they were just like caught up in this culture that was like, you know, into pornography. They were into like, we were so young too. Like we're like 11. year old [00:27:00] kids, you know, and, and that was my, you know, that was the time I was exposed to pornography. And so 11, 12, 13 year old kids, and just kind of sucked up by this culture.
And for me, for some reason, I always knew that I wanted to be happy. And I knew that that wasn't making me happy. I knew that it was working to numb pain, that it was kind of an escape, like we discussed, but I knew it wasn't ultimately making me happy. And so I met these new friends, and these new friends were like, really happy people, like not fake happy, but like genuinely joyful people.
And I was like, whatever it is you have, like, I just want that. And I noticed like when I spent more time with them, I was happier. And when I spent more time with my sports buddies, I was more miserable. And so I just started spending more time with them. And I was honestly like, I was afraid for them to know kind of like the real me.
So I would just kind of fake it till I made it. And so, you know, I, I certainly just started to adopt their life. And, and that like really, really helped. And those friends were these. Christians, Catholic Christians, who were really, you know, on fire for their faith, and they were, you know, just, just like good people.
And, uh, so anyway, I started to be like them, [00:28:00] to build virtue, to pray, to just learn my faith, seek out God's plan for my life, all that stuff. And, and that really, really helped. But the other thing I was going to say, just to second what you said about, um, maybe speaking to parents or young people who are coming from broken families, um, the mentors in your life can fill the void of a father who abandoned you.
And it's never going to fill it in a perfect way. Like you're never going to be able to go find another man in your life. Who's going to perfectly be your dad. Like you only have one biological father. And when that's person's ripped from your life, for whatever reason, it's hard, you know, it leaves a wound.
Um, but my goodness, have I experienced so much healing through just the men in my life who've kind of taken me under their wing, who mentored me, who've guided me through the challenges that I face, who've really affirmed me, just showing me that, you know, especially when I thought maybe I was worthless or You know, that I thought whatever struggles I was dealing with at the time were kind of, they defined me.
They would come in and say, no, no, no, you're so much more than that. And they would just affirm me, you know, and who I am. So anyway, that, that was like really helpful for me too. So just, I just love the advice you said. And I think it's so important to surround [00:29:00] yourself with good people, both in terms of people beside you, your friends, but also people ahead of you who are mentors, who can kind of show you like, you know, what, How you need to live.
It's so, so valuable, especially if you didn't have that in your family. Yeah, I agree. Definitely. I want to, um, get to your transformation more, but I'm just curious. I wanted your opinion on this. If you had to guess, what percentage of people in sex work and pornography do you think come from divorced and broken families?
Meaning, you know, their parents were divorced or they had a really dysfunctional home life. I'd say probably, like, 95%. At least in the 90s. Yeah, I think that it takes a certain kind of person to set aside what society deems as acceptable and be somebody completely different and I think that a lot of you know It's something I say a lot when like in regards to really horrible people monsters aren't born They're created so and I think that that can be said for for, you know, a lot of [00:30:00] different things that plague us.
They're not something that, that we're born with. They're something that has accumulated because of, you know, something that happened or something that we did. And I think that, you know, most of the women who are in this industry, okay, well, I should speak to what I know. For me and for the friends that I had, We were, like, kind of caring people, and um, nice women, and, I mean, I don't, I don't think I was a bad person, but the work that I did, and without going into too much detail, the meaner I was, the more they liked it, and the more they would pay me.
So then, it's kind of like, um, I can't remember his name, the scientist who rang the bell. Um, and the dog slobbered and Pavlov Pavlov. Yes. Thank you. You know, it's kind of like something that you can't help But then actually start to become this person who they want you to be Because [00:31:00] the more selfish, the more egotistical, the more bratty, the more vain I was, the more, like, offensive I was, or, um, narcissistic, especially, like, throwing other people under the bus for my own gain, the more that I would, you know, Be acclaimed, not just by clients either, but also other women in the industry.
And so you're in that, you know, continuously spinning wheel. You're eventually going to start to feel these ways and you're going to start to think this. And, and I think that's something to be. Cognizant of but also just to know that these sort of things can happen to you that within you know the things that you surround yourself with those sports friends or you know people who are really into Fancy shoes and that's what will form who you are and and I think it's important to remember that really Couldn't agree more.
And thanks for going into that. I think it's important to [00:32:00] mention, I know some people kind of tiptoe around these subjects of like pornography, but I think it's important we talk about it because there's so many lessons in your story and what you were saying. And when it comes to like, just to push into that a little bit, um, when it comes to, The whole, how our sexuality becomes so distorted and perverted, like the deeper we get down that path.
It's so, it's fascinating, it's sad, it's really interesting to kind of think about and study. I know Jay Stringer, who I mentioned, um, in episode 102, if you guys want to check that out, he has so much insight into this. He studied 4, 000 people who struggle with sexual addictions or compulsions, and he just really went deep into it.
And one of the things that he found is like, my goodness, your sexual desires, your fantasies, even he, they even looked at pornography searches, um, in their study. They say so much about the ways in which you were harmed, the trauma you endured, like, it's insane. They're able to look at someone's pornography searches or the, you know, fantasies that they have, and they're able to connect that with specific traumas they'd had in their life.
For example, it's like, oh, your mom was really controlling, and this [00:33:00] correlates with this sort of genre of pornography that you go after. It's so fascinating. So that was, I think it's really important. So one of the things that I learned from him is that there's so much underneath the surface that a lot of people don't think about that maybe you intuitively know that when it comes to anger and power and pornography.
Like, there's so much there that he, you know, he explained it well in the episode, and I'm not going to do nearly as good of a job, but he was basically saying that there's so much anger that we feel as humans for so many reasons, right? And anger is just this response that we feel at a real or perceived injustice.
So there might be something in our life, especially as it relates to the sexes, which is really interesting. So it's like if men Uh, you know, if these important men in your life treated you this way, or these important women in your life, like your mom, or girlfriend, or wife, treated you this way, then you might tend to think of all women that way.
And then therefore, um, you know, like, for example, this is just an example, if you had, you know, a mother who was really controlling and belittling, you might seek pornography or, you know, fantasies [00:34:00] that put you in a position of power over women. Um, because there's a lot of, maybe, untapped anger there that, you know, It gives you, you know, pornography becomes kind of an outlet to reverse that, uh, misery that you're living through.
And so anyway, he does a better job explaining it than I could. And his book is awesome, Unwanted, by the way, um, recommend people look, check that out. We'll, we'll link to it in the show notes, but yeah, so, so everything you're saying makes so much sense to me that, um, you know, kind of the deeper you go into that world of like perversion and twisting what's supposed to be really beautiful, good gift to our sexuality, the, the kind of more ravenous, almost an animal like that we become.
Definitely. And I was taught that, I mean, my mother really impressed upon me that the act of sex was making love. And it was something that you did between a man and a woman that you love and you're committed. And then I think that it just, once, that was when I was really little. And then once I got older, I think it just kind of, it was one of those things that like, Oh yeah, like, You know, that's just a, maybe like an [00:35:00] old wives tale or like something that your mom tells you when you're growing up, but it's not really true.
Um, like look at, you know, just turn on the TV, there's two people having sex. Like, it could be anything. And, uh, it's not, I mean we see it everywhere. And I think that not only the, like the beauty and the sanctity of sex and the act of sex, has completely been erased from our society. But now the pornography and the pornification of sex is just becoming more and more acceptable within our society.
And, um, and it's tricky. Absolutely. No. And I, I, I love that distinction and that comparison of like, you know, it's not that, you know, the world doesn't glorify sex. It really degrades it. It really makes this like, into like subhuman animalistic thing where like you said, it's really meant to be making love.
And it becomes this really, again, degraded thing that I think we all know that we want better [00:36:00] than that, but maybe we think that it's not even possible to have something better than that. And so, no, so many good lessons in there. So thank you for going into all that. I do want to transition into your story and into your, um, transformation.
It's just incredibly beautiful. What was it that, yes, sparked that exit from pornography and ultimately your conversion? Well, it started with a tragedy, um, like all great stories. Something happened about three years ago that ultimately it was just a freak accident and it was a horrible occurrence, but it's something that has plagued me and filled me with guilt and sorrow and depression.
And it's my greatest grief. And I have been in therapy for the past three years because of it. And it's slowly, it was slowly getting a little bit better, but still my own sense of guilt. And again, also self worth and even just desire to live my life [00:37:00] was in question. And after this, I, I was fully committed to killing myself and it wasn't.
It wasn't even a thought. I was like, yep, that's what I'm doing tomorrow morning. I'm going to do this, this, this, and this. And, um, by the grace of God, my husband wouldn't leave me alone and he, he stayed with me for like two weeks pretty much. He took time off work. So, um, but none of these things helped.
This was my fault. It was my doing and, and now my life is over because of this. Then, last spring, I had an opportunity to go to Italy. My mother in law actually paid for tickets for all of us to go. And, I was really excited about that, of course, obviously. Uh, we took like six months to prepare. I got, you know, Italian in 40 minutes a day.
And, but most of the preparation that I did was really about, the things that I wanted to see, the artwork there. And when you're in Italy, um, the hub of the greatest artwork of all of Western [00:38:00] civilization, in my opinion, the greatest art is in the churches, churches, basilicas. We visited dozens, uh, I want to say probably like over 50, but that was like our main focus was going to these churches.
And initially it was just for the artwork, you know, nothing religious, you know, I'm not Catholic, but at the same time I was like, well, I kinda, I want to get into it though. You know, I want to be like when in Rome, you do as the Romans do. So we're visiting these churches, they're Catholic churches. And I know that Catholics wear a veil when they go into a church just as a form of respect.
So. I figure, all right, I gotta, I gotta try this. I'll wear a veil, you know, have fun. I'll be Catholic. Um, so we go and every time outside of a church, even just like a tiny little Basilica, I put on my veil, then I start to, I start to kneel and cross myself when I go in again, just like, look at how funny am I, you know, I'm Catholic.
Um, and just kind of getting a kick out of it. [00:39:00] And then. And, like, the artwork is incredible, it's amazing, it really is. But then, something inside of me started to change a little bit, where instead of just appreciating the artwork for what it was, or instead of veiling and crossing myself just because that's what we did, I started getting into it.
Like, wow, this art is beautiful, but, like, look at the way that, um, Jesus has his arm around Mary, like, in, in this fresco. Or look at the way that this person's, you know. Intimating this sort of reaction and I started really like being moved and touched and Appreciating the artwork for the theology as well as just its beauty and then I started like it was almost like a fake it Till you make it kind of thing where I was crossing myself initially just because that's what they do But and then I started like actually saying the words looking up at the crucifix when I did so acknowledging the crucifix And, but still, at this point, remember, I have this intense tragedy that's weighing on my shoulders, and I, when this [00:40:00] occurred, I had tried praying to God, and I tried, you know, like I had touched on before, I was raised Lutheran, but completely fell away from the church ever since college.
God's been pretty much non existent in my life. But you better believe that as soon as this tragedy occurs, like, He's my number one, you know, concern, and I'm like, Hey. You know, I'm praying now, so you gotta listen to me. Like, I haven't prayed or talked to you or done anything beneficial in the last 20 years, but now I need something, and I need something that I've never needed before in my entire life, and I expect you to do this now.
And I prayed so hard that night that I can still remember, like, my knuckles were white because I was squeezing my fingers so hard, and he didn't do anything, or so I thought. Jesus didn't respond to me at all that evening, and so, I was done with him completely. Like what little amount of relationship that we had was completely over.
So this affected me when I was in Italy, even just going into churches. Initially, like I said, it was, it was for the artwork. So it wasn't that big a deal. But [00:41:00] then when I started crossing myself, when I started really looking at the theology of the pictures, I was like, okay, I I'm in God's house and I, I still don't want to talk to God.
I don't, I don't have anything to say to him. And like, even just thinking about talking to God made me like start to tear up. But in these churches and basilicas in Italy, in addition to the crucifix, you could always find Mary somewhere. And I started going to her, like, physically, literally, I would, you know, kind of walk around.
Because she wasn't always right there, present. Like, sometimes she was in, like, a smaller alcove. Or, in Italy, you probably remember the edicolas. They're the frescoes that are on the street corners and, like, on just, like, random sides of buildings and stuff like that. And it's, it's always Mary illuminated.
And she was just everywhere. And And I started noticing her and I started thinking that, okay, this is kind of weird. Like, why are you, you stalking me basically. Um, [00:42:00] and And then I thought, I thought about her and her life and what she went through, and I thought about how she had this intense tragedy, even greater than my own, where she went through something similar where it was completely out of her hands and her son was put upon a cross, tortured, died a really awful death.
And she went through all of this with grace and with dignity. And, and that was. That's what helped me to be able to be in a house of God, to be able to even consider talking to God, because I was able to talk to Mary. Mary is, she was born without sin, and she is the mother of God, but she's still human.
And she was the one who asked Jesus, kind of, at the wedding of Cana, she was the one who said, Hey, these people don't have any more wine, and I need you to help them. They're really good friends. I really don't want them to be embarrassed. And he said, It's not my time yet. But he did it anyway because [00:43:00] she asked.
And that was, I kind of think of that as like, that's kind of what started the ball rolling that ultimately got him on the cross. He said it wasn't his time, but she said, please. And so in a way, I like to think of that. Mary didn't really know what she was asking. She didn't know that, okay, if you do this, then you're going to be crucified sooner than later.
Um, I'm not saying that, but in a way I think that she. She knew what was going to happen. She knew that she was going to have these swords pierce her heart, and yet she continued forward, and she lived her life with grace and beauty. And she was a huge part of my conversion process, and then, and just my healing, really.
And being able to talk to God again, but it doesn't end there. Um, so from there we went to Assisi, um, because St. Francis is amazing, awesome. And like I've told you [00:44:00] before, I. Animals have always been a big part of my life, and even non Catholics know about St. Francis. I think he's like the gateway drug to Catholicism, or like the gateway saint almost.
Where it's like, even secular people are like, yeah, St. Francis! It's cool, he's in a dog. Um, and that's how I was, I'll admit it. Went to Assisi primarily just for St. Francis, but then knew about St. Clair, his female counterpart, just from, again, I did a bunch of research before going there and so I learned about their story.
Um, but she's like a footnote, you know, in his story. As it turns out, she was really the shining hero of my story. And I remember we, okay, we went to a CC. We went and, and looked at all these amazing things and all these different historical places where history was made. And we visited St. Claire's tomb and not really thinking much about it.
I still remember standing in [00:45:00] line and, um, like telling other people to they were talking loudly and you're not supposed to talk loudly and you're supposed to be respectful. It wasn't like I was expecting anything at all. I was just coming, you know. I had an opportunity to kneel in front of her tomb and so I'm gonna do it.
I kneel in front of her tomb, I close my eyes and I, I had a vision of her. I'm not saying that I'm some sort of mystic or that like she appeared in front of me or anything. Yes, my eyes were closed, but I could see her distinctly right in front of me. She was wearing this cream colored, like, satin gown, which is weird, too.
Um, I've really, like, gone over every detail in my mind because I want to make sure that this is, this is legit. I don't, I don't want to be telling a story where like, actually it's just some sort of, you know, um, something that I've manifested in my head. So I think to myself, you know, why would she be wearing this gown if it was something I just manifested in my head?
Wouldn't she be wearing her like classic hair [00:46:00] shirt? Because, you know, That's what I learned about up until that point that she was like always in this hair shirt. I've learned differently since then like she actually used to wear it in secret because because her her health was really ailing and her Her sisters would they're like no you can't wear that anymore and she'd she'd keep it under her pillow to keep it secret My wild lady.
Um So i'm kneeling at her tomb I have my eyes closed she's appears before me in this satin gown And I can really only kind of see the bottom half of her body and the top half is kind of in this bright light. But she shows me her arms. Um, she says, see how soft my arms are. She shows me her lap. She says to me that that she'll take it.
She said, you can put her here, you can put her here and I'll take care of her. And you don't have to do all this on your own anymore. And you don't have to be the one. To carry all this by yourself, because I'll help you. [00:47:00] And, and, ultimately, I think, also, what she was trying to tell me was that, you know, I can take your suffering, and I'll bring it and give it up to God for you.
Because, at this point, I'm still not ready to talk to God. I don't want to have anything to do with Him. And she was, I didn't even really know what, um, an intercessor does or, um, anything like that as, as far as like Catholic people. Um, but I think now I can say that I think that's what she was offering to me, to be my intercessor, to be my go between when I wasn't ready to talk to God yet.
And she was also just offering me the opportunity to not be alone and not have to carry this. This pain with me all by myself anymore, and I got up from her tomb and I'd like to say that everything changed and now we're all happily ever after. I became Catholic and yadda yadda. Not yadda yadda, but you know what I'm saying, but that's not the case.
I got up from her tomb [00:48:00] still crying. I went into one of the kneelers and prayed for a while. I was able to stop crying, but I didn't really think much of it until several months later until I really decided to jump in with two feet and become Catholic and Then I really started thinking about what was she saying to me because I remember leaving there and like Being able to breathe easier having like this weight lifted off of my chest but not really understanding it and not really thinking it was some sort of supernatural occurrence and now I I think that she came to me.
I think that she chose me to help me. I hope she forgives me for, you know, going to a CC only to see St. Francis, but I think she's good at that. Um, and since then, uh, I chose her to be my confirmation saint. And I just, I really love speaking on, on like her acts and her, her life. I, it's just [00:49:00] phenomenal and really impressive.
And so, yeah, that was a pretty. special experience. So that was really well. What started it and then from there I came home, you know, after an experience like that after not just with Claire but with Mary and even with the crucifix, with Jesus, with everything, I couldn't go back to the way that I was living.
I wasn't sure about going to mass because I was a Christian. you know, Lutheran, but, um, but I, I wanted those feelings that I'd gotten in Italy and I, I'd never felt that in a Lutheran church. And, um, so I started to go to mass, um, you know, semi regularly if for no other reason, just to rekindle those feelings that I had in Italy.
And then I considered actually becoming Catholic, but I wanted to talk to an authority first before I completely made, made up my mind. So I made an appointment with a priest and I went and spoke with him at length and that's [00:50:00] when everything changed. Um, when he told me that God loved me and God wanted me to be happy, it was like a drink of water after a 20 year drought.
And I didn't even realize I was thirsty, but I was so extremely thirsty. And that's kind of like how I was living, you know, ever since my 20s, was I didn't realize how unhappy I was. I just was going day to day, I think like most people maybe, and I didn't realize that there could be something better. And it was that conversation with a priest that illuminated that in my life and in my mind.
And I started crying and I just really haven't stopped since. Uh, it was an amazingly fruitful discussion. And then also, even before I got to speak with the priest, I was speaking with his secretary and those same exact feelings that you talk about, Joy, were, I want what she has. Within, like, I was [00:51:00] there, I got there kind of early and I think it was maybe like five I had told her my whole life story about, even about my recent miscarriages and, like, everything that had happened to me.
And somehow, I don't know, I just completely opened up to this woman. And then she told me about how her son had committed suicide. And I'm thinking to myself, like, man, I thought that I was selfish before, egotistical before. Like, nothing that has happened in my life could be that bad. That your son committed suicide, but look at this woman.
Look at the faith and the beauty and just the friendliness. She was so friendly and so happy and so beautiful and I wanted that. I, I, not even like before I got to the priest I was like, Man, I like this woman, like, I'd like to be friends with her after I talk to the priest. Man, I like this woman. I'd like to be in class with her.
It turned out actually she was the instructor for RCIA. [00:52:00] Um, so it just worked out, like, perfectly. And at that point I jumped in with both feet, wholeheartedly, no looking back. And I'm so much happier for it. What a story. My goodness. So many layers to it. I love how your, yeah, just going to Italy was kind of the spark of this transformation, because I absolutely love Italy.
I come from an Italian family. I've had the opportunity to travel over there and spend time, and I worked over there actually for a little while. And, um, my goodness. I just love it. So, you're getting me excited. I want to go back, but, uh. Oh, it's so amazing there. I mean, you can't, you can't help but be Catholic when you're there also, or at least appreciate the Catholicism and just the spirituality, the faith.
And then, you know, not to mention the food and the climate and, oh my gosh. My goodness. It's just, it's just unreal. So, so good. There's so much I want to talk to you about, but this tragedy that you went through, I'm so sorry for that. I think it's such a normal, like a natural occurrence for those of us who maybe are far from God [00:53:00] to then go to God in those moments of pain.
It makes so much sense. Um, you had that experience of disappointment of being like, God, you didn't come through for me when I needed you. And I'm really curious to kind of press into that. Cause it seems like that he was kind of working in the background behind the scenes. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but you tell me.
And then he did come through for you in a way that maybe you didn't expect. But I think it is really important because a lot of people find themselves exactly where you were, that the pain and suffering in their life is this major wedge between them and our relationship with God. I think it's the number one reason that people.
Give up on God in faith in my opinion It's just like the pain and suffering they see in their lives or the lives of people that they love and care about Um, and so yeah So we can treat God as I've heard father Mike Schmidt say is this like divine vending machine or like give me this give me that I want you to just like fix this area of my life.
I don't want a relationship with you Just want you to be like this technician that comes in and just magically fixes this thing. How did, how has your kind of view of God transformed through this experience where maybe you saw [00:54:00] somewhat of that, again, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but then now you see that there's, there needs to be a relationship and there needs to be like, he's caring for you, but he might not give you always what you want, but he will give you what you need in time.
It is. It's extremely difficult to go through life without God. And it's extremely difficult to go through tragedy without God. And my answer was to turn my back on God, initially, and that didn't work. But then, I think, one thing I want to say is that it's remarkable, like, my recovery time, if you will, of tragedy, since having God in my life, and prior to having God in my life.
And, like, the recovery time, like, you're still gonna have tragedies, you're still gonna have things that go wrong in your life. But the recovery time for me has been, it's like, you know, night and day, really. And, God, it's hard to hear, and it's hard to believe, but God does answer prayers. [00:55:00] And, for me, what I've realized, and I'm still not there, You know, a hundred percent like, Yay, I'm so glad that this happened to me, and you took this tragedy and you made it into something good.
Good for you. Um, you know, let's not lie or be fake. I still wish this hadn't happened. I'm still kind of mad that he chose You know this sort of thing in order to get me into the Catholic Church But I think that's ultimately what he did and I'm not saying that he chose to put this tragedy in my life for this but I was praying that I could see her again and I think because As he has opened up my mind to the faith and to the church and to this sort of, this way of life and opened up my mind to the detriments of my previous way of life, that means that in some way I'm going to be able to see her again sooner rather than later.
Because I do really believe in purgatory. Not the Lutheran form of purgatory, but a purgatory [00:56:00] where, you know, you have to prepare yourself. God. Um, so think of it like the scene in the wizard of Oz. They go through like a whole afternoon of like, you know, she gets her hair curled, like the tin man gets all shined up and this is just to meet the wizard.
But think of like how much prep you have to go through to meet God. And it's like, Well, you have to shed these certain things that you're still clinging to. And one of the things that I'm still clinging to is my guilt and my sadness over what happened. And I think that he brought Catholicism into my life to help me with this guilt, to help me with this sadness.
And therefore, I'm not going to have to spend as much time in purgatory and I can get to heaven to see my loved one sooner. I also think that maybe he didn't necessarily put this tragedy in my life, but he used this tragedy in order to get me to go back to church ultimately. Um, and then also to join the Catholic church because [00:57:00] I was raised Lutheran.
And when we did go to church, which was, you know, like Easter, Christmas, where some of those people, but also. Like, just every now and then, I would be like, You know, I remember just really liking church when I was young. Why don't we try it? And my husband was like, Okay, I guess. And we'd always go to a Lutheran church, because that's how I was raised.
And then, during my tragedy, my husband kind of reconverted. back into the Catholic faith, got really into the Catholic faith, and then, and at the time I felt, well, I've lost him. Like, he's just doing his own thing, and I'm gonna be stuck here in my tragedy. Um, and he started going to Catholic Mass, so then, after I came out of this funk and was able, after Italy, after I was able to consider that, you know, maybe my life is worth something.
Maybe I can go on. Maybe I can have joy and happiness because remember I told you the day after this occurred I was like, I'm taking the shotgun. I'm going to the [00:58:00] backyard. I Already had my note planned for my husband for my mother all this and so to go from there To entering into the Catholic Church took some time and I didn't want to have anything to do with God Meanwhile, my husband's really into God and I'm kind of offended by that You But then he starts going to mass and then so after Italy even if like I I really wanted to continue going to Mass because of those same feelings that I got in Italy But even if I wanted to go to a Lutheran Church, like it was too late.
My husband was already Catholic So it's not like we're gonna go to two different churches And so, I think, in a way, I mean, I'm never going to understand, no matter how much I ask, um, no matter how much I think about it, I'm never going to understand why God does what He does, and especially in that circumstance.
And I tell myself, you know, you're never going to know the reason why until you get to Heaven, and until, and at that point, you're not going to care anymore. So just stop thinking about it. [00:59:00] And I'm never going to know. But his, you know, path for me in that moment, in that situation. But what I can do is consider that he knows more than me, um, and also just have faith that he knows what's best for me.
And there could be a number of reasons why, you know, what happened did happen. But ultimately, I don't like to think about the negatives necessarily as much as like, look where I am now. And You know, since that tragedy has occurred, like, I've had two miscarriages, my grandmother's died, um, we had to say goodbye to our 15 year old cat recently, you know, there, there are things in my life that are still hard, and they're so much easier.
Wow, thanks for sharing. No, thanks for sharing all that, and again, I'm sorry for your losses. No, I think it's important to, especially for anyone listening who doesn't believe in God, [01:00:00] and maybe this is the reason why, because of pain and tragedy in their life, it's important to know, like, we can intellectually explain how free will and sin and evil work, but to me that never felt very satisfying.
Yeah. It's like, okay, fine, you intellectually have this valid argument that kind of accounts for all these objections, whatever, that's fine. It's important to do, but you know, it's not always so convincing. So for me, I think it is really, really powerful when you see someone like yourself who does suffer.
And does find some like deeper greater meaning in it and sees that God can somehow bring good out of it. That's one point. There's just something different about people who suffer, who like you said have like grace in their life, who have God's life inside of them. And even like just incredibly heroic stories of people who've sacrificed themselves for the good of others to love other people.
Um, I think of the Navy SEAL, Mike Montsour. He um, you know, he was a devout Catholic. He threw himself on a grenade in Iraq to save his Navy SEAL brothers. And, you know, you can say it's like, Oh, that's his [01:01:00] training as a SEAL, as a special operator. That was part of it. But he just, he did have this like selflessness about him.
And so I think, like you said, it's suffering. Doesn't disappear from your life once you choose to follow God and have a relationship with him But you like you said you become better and stronger and more virtuous and better able to navigate and even like you said see that This isn't the end if it was the end life would be very depressing and I would personally see no reason to live like to You know, I think that is It kind of makes sense if, if this was it.
And so, yeah, but, but I think overall, the thing that is the most mind boggling for me when I have wrestled with this whole problem of pain and evil in my life is, you know, I can never say that we have a God who doesn't know what it's like to suffer, like, like you said, in those churches in Italy, it's like the crucifix is always there.
Like, it's just mind boggling that a God who, you know, is all powerful, all good, all knowing could. Come to earth, take on human flesh, become human, and go through all of that. Worse than, you know, any of us could imagine. There's something in that that just, like, it stops you in your [01:02:00] tracks, and I think that's the greatest argument, you know, or the greatest, um, maybe evidence that there's something about, like, human suffering and human pain that, like, God wants to work through.
And, uh, it's not, it's not so clear. I can't explain it. But, um, But it is, uh, it's evident that, yeah, this isn't the end and that he, you know, God is moved by human suffering. It seems, um, it's kind of similar to, I can't remember the name of it, but there's this, the Japanese pottery where you take, um, gold and you fuse the two pieces together.
So then they become stronger than before they were broken and they become almost more beautiful too, because now instead of just pottery, there's, it's lined with gold and. I think that's a really good analogy for life. And yeah, for any of those who need inspiration, even if, you know, you aren't religious, I suggest reading about the saints.
I may be a little biased, but I think St. Clair's. It's just really inspirational. And there's so many of them who have [01:03:00] gone through turmoil or tragedy or even just, you know, were ridiculed for their beliefs, for being outspoken or for just, you know, what they thought was right. And a lot of them end up dying because of it, you know, and a lot of them end up getting killed because of it, I should say.
So I mean, that's pretty inspirational. No, I agree. And I think, yeah, like, kind of like you experienced too, sometimes, especially if you come from a broken family, the idea of like God as a father is like, can turn you off a ton. It's like, my goodness, like, you know, if you had a bad relationship with your dad or he mistreated you, it's like, why would I want any sort of father in my life?
And so like you experienced with, um, with Mary, the saints from what I've seen are these, and by definition, just for everyone who doesn't know this, um, saints are people who, um, um, live lives of heroic virtue, who have, you know, just were incredibly virtuous people. And so, you know, the typical people you think of are, you know, Mother Teresa.
You think of Pope John Paul II. You think of, you [01:04:00] know, any number of people that are kind of these well known quote unquote saints. And so, yeah, looking at them though, they best reflect God on earth. And so like you're saying, Bri, if you, you know, are maybe hesitant to go to God, just look at their lives, just see, see the way they lived and see if that's something that's compelling and maybe better than the life that you're living now.
And, and for me, that's been, it's been so inspirational and really challenging too. It's kind of, it's almost like we were saying before with your friends, if you surround yourself with like saints, it's like, my goodness, like I have a lot to work on and I want a lot, a lot to go through. So anyway, there's so much there.
And, um, and the one final thing I was just going to mention about like pain and suffering Cause I've really struggled with this. Like, I, I've really gone through seasons of my life where it's like, God, when my family was falling apart, when my parents were getting divorced, when, you know, all these bad things were happening, like, where were you?
Because it honestly seemed like he was just, like, absent. It seemed like he had abandoned us. It seemed like he was just, like, sitting on the sidelines, uh, watching, you know, us kind of get beat up. And so it took a lot of time. A lot of prayer, a lot of, um, you know, listening. walking with [01:05:00] mentors spiritual direction for me and To kind of see that he wasn't just standing in the distance He was actually right there in the midst of it working in the background and what I have liked him to make himself more obvious I would yeah, I really would have that would have been nice.
I would I liked some more quick fixes That would be really nice too. But for some reason He works silently in the background, and he, he works especially through other people, and, um, he plays the long game. The really long game sometimes. It's like, my goodness, like, a quick fix would be nice here or there.
So, there's something about that, though, that I think is worth, like, pondering. It's worth, um, wrestling with. So, no, it's so good. I, um, I wanted to just make this point and get your thoughts on it, too. Your story is just so beautiful and inspiring. And there really is this such clear theme of beauty in your story.
Obviously in the past, as you've shared, you've used your physical beauty in a way that you regret in a wrong way. But in Italy, you know, the beauty there sparked this longing in you for something greater. Like you wanted to experience that beauty again. You want to [01:06:00] experience those feelings like you said, and now, you know, you're using your beauty, you're using your story to inspire others and your eye for beauty, even to create this beautiful story.
Uh, and you know, rosaries, like you said, for other people. And so it's, it's really profound as I was thinking about you and your story. I'm like, it's really profound. This like theme of beauty, especially the whole fact that you were won by beauty, like beauty won you any thoughts on that? I think really like.
Conversion is where you find it. Uh, I was lucky enough to have some pretty beautiful women encourage me, you know, both literally physically in front of me and also, um, Mary as well, as well as St. Clair. But the gateway to God is just wherever it appears in front of you. And I have a pretty unique story, and I really like the way that you surmise that with like different elements of beauty.
But whatever it is that makes you truly feel better about yourself, [01:07:00] just go with it. Run with it. And that could be your gateway to God, your gateway to a better life, your gateway to feeling better about yourself. That's probably the first thing that you would hope your gate leads to. And I think that it is really fun how there's been this element of beauty, but it could be anything for anybody.
And like I said, even like St. Francis is like a gateway saint to Catholicism, but it doesn't even have to be full fledged Catholicism. Like take something in your life that you really appreciate or maybe even something that you're really good at. Or, you know, the combination of those two things, and run with it.
See what you can do. I'm amazed and just completely blown away by the success of my new rosary business. I mean, to think a person like me, who's not only Lutheran, recovering alcoholic, but also used to produce porn, and so many people want to [01:08:00] buy rosaries from me, like, what? It's amazing. Blessing isn't even the, a big enough word to describe what happened to me after I decided to make this switch.
And, uh, And ultimately, like, I think a lot of times what we tell people, or especially youth, is like, you want to do this to make God happy, or you're, you're trying to do it, like, it's for somebody else, you know, or like, this is the right thing to do, you're not supposed to make porn. Um, you're not supposed to steal or do other hoodlum type activities.
But instead of thinking about, you Doing what you're supposed to or what somebody tells you to just be selfish like do it for yourself You know find the beauty in your life so that it can outweigh the misery I think that anything that is beneficial to you can blossom into something that is beneficial for others, beneficial for even civilization, and wherever you can [01:09:00] find that in your life, go for it, run towards it, cling to it, do it.
So good. There's this thing I was reading about recently, it was actually in a book on like health and nutrition. And they're talking about this idea of like a helper's high, how when you just like help other people, if you donate your time, if you just help people who are in need, whatever that might look like.
I think the example they were giving it is like, uh, working at like a, a food kitchen where you're serving food to poor people. And um, yeah, they did, they've done studies on people who do that and they end up like living longer, like being happier, like having these better lives. Yeah. So it's fascinating.
So, so I think, you know, your point is, is, is a good one that, um, you know, if you can't find it in you to do it for other people, like do it for yourself. Cause truly like the kind of like your story, like my story, you know, we wanted to be happy. You wanted to experience that joy, that peace, that beauty that you experienced in Italy.
And I wanted to just not be so miserable and be happy. And, um, I think that that is like such a good thing. So yeah, what I would just like second is yeah. Anything that's good in your life, anything that's true, that's beautiful, like, you know, go [01:10:00] towards those things. And in the end, I think you'll end up, um, in a better spot in life and you'll be happier for it.
So, so, so good. I want to shift gears a little bit and I know we're running out of time here, but I'd love to just kind of give you these quick questions. Uh, one being, has there ever been, you know, maybe a temptation for you since your conversion to reject the body and sexuality because of the pain and the problems that it's brought into your life?
Um, to an extent, I think even during my career porn production. Like sex is completely skewed in my mind as to, you know, what it's supposed to be like, what we were talking about, making love, a relationship between a man and a woman, procreation, a beautiful union. Um, sex has never been like that for me. Uh, in college, it was all about, you know, filling the hole inside of me that made me hate myself.
and all throughout my 20s as well. And then I've really struggled sometimes, like, since I've converted [01:11:00] to keeping my thoughts pure and also what intimacy means to me necessarily. Like, because I did it for work for so long that, like, that kind of played out into my intimate life with my husband in a way where it was always like I was still on the job.
And since I quit and then also since converting, I've done a few things to help. Like we, we have a crucifix above our bed now. Um, you know, sometimes I'll pray and we're still trying to have a baby. Um, so it's become, it's easier with the help of God and the help of my, my true friends to be able to really connect with this man in a way that I haven't in many, many years.
And it's something that I didn't really think about until recently. And it's just, you know, another one of those things that I didn't even realize how this [01:12:00] affected this aspect of my life, but it really has. And I wish that somebody would have warned me. Again, thank you for just being so open and vulnerable.
Um, it makes sense. Again, I, I've heard that there's a lot of women, especially women in porn who in their personal life kind of become asexual. They kind of don't want anything to really do with sex. Um, which is kind of ironic cause you know, the, what's being acted out on screen is that, you know, often these women being like ultra sexual.
And, and so it's just very ironic that. That would then end up making them the opposite, asexual, in many ways. And so it is, it is so sad because there's supposed to be so much, like, goodness and beauty that comes from that part of life. And the, part of the reason I wanted to talk to you about this is because I think, especially in American culture, I think the Europeans aren't as susceptible to this, at least the southern, uh, countries.
There's like this real temptation to like reject the body and sexuality to see it as something like that's kind of bad and dirty. And it goes back to [01:13:00] this idea of Gnosticism years ago where they thought that anything spiritual was good and anything material like the body was bad. And so you kind of just put up with the body and then you and and just for all those listeners, I know you know this, but, um, you know, you kind of put up with the body and put up with sex because it's needed to kind of.
have babies and keep our species alive. Um, but there shouldn't be much pleasure derived from it and it shouldn't be this good and like beautiful thing. And, and so it's been, um, some, you know, denominations of Christianity have kind of latched onto that. I think it's gotten so much better over the years, but, um, certainly in American culture, there's this prudishness, there's this puritanism that is really toxic.
It's really bad. And the history of the sexual revolution itself is fascinating because the Hugh Hefner in particular, um, he grew up in a very prudish Christian family. And he rejected that prudishness, which he should have, by the way, but he went way too far in the opposite direction with kind of, quote, unquote, liberating the body and sexuality.
And so it's really just such an interesting thing. And I think an important conversation to have when it comes to, [01:14:00] yeah, kind of putting the body and sexuality in its proper place and seeing the beauty in it and seeing the glory in it and seeing that, um, yeah, it's not perfect. And I don't mean to like, make it sound like, you know, if you have the.
proper view of sexuality and you're kind of healed and your sex life is going to be amazing in your marriage and things are going to be awesome. Like, no, it's, it's messy. We're broken as humans. And so things are always never going to be a utopia. That's not what I'm saying. But I think that, uh, that the root of that has caused a lot of problems and like really truly the pervasiveness of pornography today comes directly from that.
Um, that kind of view on like the bonding sexuality. So yeah, I just wanted to dig into that with you. Any final thoughts before I move on? Um, yeah, I think that to view sex as scandalous and something that's wrong and bad and filthy can be just as detrimental as the flip side. Um, and yeah, I guess like you see it in Hugh Hefner, like you said.
And I think that it's one of those [01:15:00] things that really needs its proper place, and beauty is a big part of it. Beauty, love, acceptance, all those things go into a great relationship. I couldn't agree more. Have you been tempted to kind of hate yourself for your past? And if so, how have you dealt with that?
Certainly. Um, like I said, it's not just about porn production. It's like all of us, we have, you know, we all have pasts, we all have sins, we all have regrets. And I think really one of the best ways that I've dealt with this is, again, while talking to people who have been there, who also made poor decisions and then have rectified, remedied their lives.
You know, we're like, you can read, again, you can read about different saints that, and they're not all spectacular, you know, Mother Teresa. Like a lot of them [01:16:00] come from certain backgrounds and then have changed for the better. You know, a lot of people Mary Magdalene to me and she was a prostitute. And then, you know, she became one of Jesus's most trusted disciples.
Um, but also you can find those people in your life now. I can't stress the importance of, you know, um, talking to other people, especially in your own situations. AA was a huge resource for me. Um, And during that first year, it was really one of the best things that had ever happened to me. It was the greatest thing in my life.
And a lot of that is because, you know, I talked with people who were freely, openly discussing all the horrible things that they did when, you know, they were drinking. And now, okay, so not only was that like completely mind blowing, that you're just like, [01:17:00] Openly talking about how you got fired from your job or how you like you stole your daughter's lunch money like to buy booze you're just saying that like that is inspirational and and once you've told your Rock bottom story to a room full of complete strangers your life will never be the same And so things like that I think are really helpful and they're helpful to understand that you're not alone.
They're helpful to understand that other people have done these things and worse and it's helpful to see people who have done these things worse and now are better because they've stopped doing them. Yeah, I've definitely been tempted. And, you know, several times in my life, too, and I've, I've gone as far as to say that, yeah, there were many, many years that I think that I just completely hated myself, but I, I hated myself more when I was in amongst the detrimental behavior, when I was drinking, when I was doing porn.
Now that I'm out of it, I like the way that you said, it's [01:18:00] tempting to still hate myself, but I have a hard time hating myself these days. I don't know if that sounds like egotistical, but, um, It's a good thing. Yeah. Um, because I just, I mean, the people that I engage with, the people that are in my life, my work is so rewarding.
I have all these incredible people and I have all these incredible resources and all this great love and beauty and just abundance and it's hard to hate myself because everything's just really, really nice. I mean, you know, like there's still tragedy, like I said, but I have, this whole toolbox full of resources that I can go to when I'm, you know, in, when I'm in the dumps or like, even when like something like will trigger a bad emotion or a bad memory.
And, um, and then I can go to this toolbox and I have different people, different things that I can listen to, different things that I can read, different prayers that I can say. [01:19:00] Whereas before when I was an alcoholic or when I did porn. My toolbox was, like, things that are just gonna make me feel worse.
And they're not really helpful at all, you know, like alcohol or sleeping around any of those things. I hear you and yeah I think it's a temptation for all of us in one way or another like to have like that proper love of ourselves like where It's not like you said on one extreme Egotistical we're obsessed with ourselves, but the other end it's a really bad and unhealthy thing to hate yourself to think so lowly of yourself So I love that you're in that like in that good spot now and yeah I, um, I certainly have my own regrets about my past, but I think there's something about God's mercy too that just helps you be merciful to yourself because once you experience like that forgiveness, you can then start to forgive yourself, which I think is probably harder than, than even like asking God for his forgiveness.
So yeah, that's beautiful. You've already talked a lot about different things that have helped you to heal. You know, like you mentioned going to A, you mentioned, you know, just being surrounded with good friends, the saints, like things like that. Has there been [01:20:00] anything else that's been really helpful as of now, um, when it comes to just healing that brokenness, healing the wounds from your past?
I think that therapy is still helpful, but I think it's also a combination of therapy and then my relationship with God. Like therapy itself didn't fill up everything, didn't help with everything. I agree. And, you know, I still have those same issues. Like, all of us who are addicted to something, it's not alcohol that I have a problem with, it's myself.
And I used alcohol in order to, like we discussed, like, get out of this reality and make me feel better about myself. But really, and the problem isn't alcohol, the problem is me. And so giving up alcohol, that's like one, a really great first step. And then, you know, working on yourself, going to therapy.
That's another really great first step. But I really have to say that it's because of God that I have this [01:21:00] complete. And total feeling of healing. And there are times that that complete, total feeling has cracks in it. And I'm kind of like, I think you kind of touched on this, like, you're kind of thinking like, Is this really, you know, for real?
Or, you know, am I just kind of lying to myself again? But, I don't think it's a lie. I know that my life has changed for the better because of those things that we talked about, but especially God. I can't, I can't say enough about that decision and really fully coming into the church and learning about God and learning about, you know, the gifts of the Holy Spirit and learning about all the ways that just increasing your relationship with Him will benefit you.
And Really, just to make you happier, like, uh, a more satisfied person living a more fulfilling life. God's the answer. So good. Do you ever feel tempted to go [01:22:00] back into that life? And if so, what Uh, yeah, how have you handled that? I wouldn't say that I feel tempted to go back to, like, drinking or producing pornography, but I really struggle, if I'm honest, I struggle a lot with going back to that same mentality of I'm not good enough, I'm not, I'm not enough, like, I just want to die.
And it can just be, like, one thing that happens and then another thing happens, and it's not even like a major event has occurred, but just like, I'll hear a song that reminds me of something. And I'm in this complete shame spiral that usually ends with, I feel completely alone and I really hate my life.
I'm tempted quite often to do that. And another, another benefit, another thing that I keep in my toolbox that I kind of trick myself with is, [01:23:00] uh, that I then think, what is your demon saying right now? Now, this sounds maybe kind of weird, but for over 20 years, I've had, These issues of negativity that I believe originated in college.
They stem from the fact that I didn't have a father figure and I never finished college and I'm just not good enough. And I call him the demon. Now that I've converted to Catholicism, like referring to this demon that lives inside of me is isn't really funny anymore. It's like almost kind of, Like I want to call him something else because now it kind of scares me the idea of this actual demon living inside of me.
But for the sake of this podcast, let's just refer to him as the demon as we always did before. And the demon loves it when I start to feel isolated. When I start to feel alone, he loves it. When I start to get nervous. About, you know, speaking out about my story or hosting a prayer [01:24:00] space on social media.
I start to get nervous about these things, like, who am I to do this? I used to be in porn, like, I used to be the scum of the earth. Who am I to host this prayer, this, um, novena? Who am I to go on your podcast, you know? Who am I to do any of these things? And I know that's my demon saying, and he wants to do whatever he can to keep me isolated, to keep me feeling like I hate myself and to keep me from spreading this joy that I have inside of me.
And I still have to watch out for that because I'm really susceptible to feelings of, um, self loathing. And it doesn't take much on some days for him to, to get under my skin. But then, really, when that happens, some days I have to admit that I'm still not good at relying on prayer and God for first thing.
Um, but it is a learning process. And some days when that happens, [01:25:00] I can so easily just let this demon get under my skin and convince me that I'm not good enough, that I shouldn't even be alive. But then most days I'm able to see what's happening. I'm able to recognize the demon for what he is, that he's trying to bring me down.
And I think one of the reasons why this demon loves bringing me down and is always trying to bring me down is because I'm afraid of success. What will that mean if I'm successful? If I'm, you know, and I'm not talking about, like, a successful porn star, like, that's not real success. But, how about if I'm successful in, like, being a, uh, Christian inspiration?
Like, yowza. That's kind of scary, huh? Like, then you're going to have to continue to be this Christian inspiration. You're going to have to continue to be successful. And look at all these people who are going to look up to you now. And then that's when either the demon or the angel can win of like, don't worry about it.
My angel will tell me. My guardian angel. Brie, you're [01:26:00] gonna be great. Brie, you're going to be inspirational and you're doing this for God, for the people who possibly will um, be inspired by you. And you're also doing this because Just imagine how happy that demon of yours is going to be if you don't do this podcast and like how he thinks that he's going to have won.
And then I get really freaked out and I'm like, I am not going to let him win. And I, you know, pull on my boots and, uh, pick myself up by my bootstraps, whatever, and, and I get it done. And I go wholeheartedly in on it because, mainly because I don't want the demon to win. Uh, You're a fighter. So good. Thanks for, again, sharing so vulnerably.
You've been so open, and I know it's so helpful to everyone listening, and yeah, gosh. No, and I speak on behalf of the audience when I say, man, I hope you can see the goodness and the beauty in you and your story. It's, it's incredible. It really is. And so, yeah, yeah. I hope you can continually be [01:27:00] reminded about that, because we need to be reminded as humans more than we need to be taught, I think.
And I remember the story of John Paul II. So, you know, he's this Polish priest who becomes Pope. He goes back to Poland. Um, I, I don't know if he was Pope at that point or just a bishop, but I think he was Pope and he, you know, at this point, after the Nazis left, you know, Poland during World War II, the Soviets took over, the Russians took over.
And in many ways, they were worse than the Nazis, which is hard to believe because they were just, you know, kind of more insidious and they were doing things in the dark and trying to just control the Polish people and to manipulate them and get them to, you know, give up. especially faith and morals and everything like that.
And one of the ways that they did that was trying to redefine their identity as people, as humans, but especially as, as Polish culture, like they wanted to snuff out, you know, Polish culture and different formats, like whatever it was, literature, art, theater, things like that, from my understanding of it.
And so John Paul goes back to Poland and he says, You are not who they say you are. Like, let me [01:28:00] remind you of who you are. You are not who they say you are. Let me remind you of who you are. And I think there's like, it gives me the chills to think about that scene of him, like shouting that to them.
Because I think as humans, we all need to hear that. It's like, we're all told whether it's by like that, you know, like you said that. evil like wolf inside of us, that whole analogy of like you have two wolves inside you, the good and the bad fighting, and the one that will win is the one you feed. Um, we all have that going on at some level, some more intensely than others.
And, um, and I think it's so important that we are reminded, especially by the other people in our life, um, you know, that there is so much goodness, like we have this so much inherent value and worth. and dignity that cannot be erased even by the poor decisions that we make. And we need to just rediscover that, restore that, bring that back to life.
And, uh, and I, yeah, I hope you can continue to do that. Cause, cause I certainly see it and I know our listeners do too. Thank you, of course in closing out. I just love you to speak to your younger self I'm curious what advice you would offer to kind of two parts of your life one Maybe you're considering getting into the porn and only fans [01:29:00] world and I'm so I'm curious kind of what would you say to that young?
Woman now, maybe she's even listening right now Someone out there, uh, what would you say when she's like kind of considering that? That's one question. The second one would be what about once you were in that life and you felt like it was the only way for you to make a living? Like, what advice would you give to that younger self or a girl listening right now who's in that space?
To the first girl, I would say, I know this seems like a great opportunity and it seems like easy money and a lot of fun perks, but you're going to regret this. It's going to change you in ways that you've never even considered. And instead, I'm really hoping that you will just find the beauty within yourself.
You will find something for you that makes you feel important and makes you feel special. And it's not this keep looking, but it's not this. You were made for something more than this. You are made in the image of [01:30:00] God and you're beautiful. You were made in his light and he wants more for you than just this.
And I think to the woman who is where I was, who is now full on into this industry on OnlyFans and I think that maybe you feel trapped and I know that I did when, when I was where you are and you're not trapped. It feels that way and it feels like this is maybe all that you can do. And it feels like maybe this is a really great life, but think about your future, and think about how this is affecting you now.
You don't even realize all the things that are seeping into your subconscious, and you don't even realize how narcissistic you're being, how egotistical you're becoming. Like, just listen to the way that you talk to people. It's not [01:31:00] normal. It's Just, just think about, you know, your income and the way you think about money.
Yeah, it seems really awesome right now, but it's a totally skewed sense of reality. You're not even living in the real world anymore, and it's going to have detrimental effects on you. And I think that for your own best interest, you should stop. Hmm. And there's such a better life ahead of them, like you said, I think.
Yeah, there's so much peace. There's so much joy. There's so much freedom that you can experience outside of that. So thank you for saying all that. Um, I wanted to, yeah. How could people find you online if they want to follow you and how could they, um, get to your Etsy store too? Please tell us about your business.
Oh yeah. Um, so I'm mainly active on X, formerly known as Twitter. And, um, I also have an Instagram account. You can find me in both places just by searching miss B converted. And then my Etsy store, if you'd like to check that out, I'd greatly appreciate it. I'm constantly selling out of things, so if there's nothing in stock now, [01:32:00] um, just check back.
Like I said, it's been amazing, just an amazing success. And the address for that is avemariaeveryday. etsy. com. And thank you to everybody who has, uh, supported that business a lot. Absolutely. It's meant so much to me. No, you're offering a lot of valuable things. And so, yeah, make, we'll, we'll make sure to link to all of that in the show notes so you guys can make use of that and follow Bri on social.
Bri, it's been such a pleasure talking with you. Um, yeah, so grateful for you and your story. And I know it's going to inspire a lot of people for, for many years to come. And you've already, you're reaching thousands of people through this show alone. So I wanted to give you the final word. Somewhat a similar question, but different.
I'm curious, like, What advice or encouragement would you give to maybe the men and women listening who they don't really see a problem with pornography? That's that's one question And I think a lot of our world is there right now The second one is what you know advice or encouragement would you give to maybe someone who does see the problem with pornography?
But [01:33:00] they feel stuck. They they have these unwanted sexual behaviors in their life They want to be free of them, but they feel stuck. So I'll give you the last word. Thank you for that opportunity. So To those of you that don't really think that Pornography is a big deal. I used to be right there with you.
In fact, I would actually, I mean, obviously what I would, I would encourage pornography because that was what I did. Um, but also even prior to that, I used to think of porn as, you know, it's a place where you can go to explore your fantasies. And this way, like, if your fantasies are kind of taboo, like, you don't have to act them out in the real world and you can just live vicariously this way.
But that's not how our human psyche works. And, like, if you have something that's taboo, you know, maybe you should talk to somebody about it instead of feeding it and engaging in it and some people might even say that watching pornography altogether is pretty taboo and I think that, you know, you can choose the, the wolf who you want [01:34:00] to feed, who is inside of you, who makes good decisions and who will lead you to a better life, or you can feed the wolf who is detrimental and, and you really have to, you know, So what you're putting into your mind, um, is it good or is it detrimental?
And, um, I think also, like, for people who think that porn's really not that big a deal, one thing that most people don't know about, and I, I think, Really love to educate more people about this is the link between pornography and sex trafficking. And for those of you that don't know, sex trafficking is where you steal someone and make them into your sex life or sell them for to be somebody else's sex slave.
I'm not really sure. Um, I'm sure that most people know the definition of that, but I want to be distinctly clear that sex trafficking is a crime. when it's done without the other person's consent. And a lot of pornography is actually just that. It's done [01:35:00] without the other person's consent. Um, I didn't know this when I was doing pornography, certainly not in my industry, but on major site, on major porn sites, a great majority of the people in those videos are doing this.
Against their will. And just by visiting that porn site, you are contributing to this. But not only that, when you get a subscription, even, you know, to places like OnlyFans, have you completely done all of your research as to where that money goes, and who this guy is, and who this company is? Uh, because sex trafficking, is one of the leading problems in this world.
I would say, like, one of the most horrific, disgusting things that has become so very popular. I don't think that people are, are even aware of the amount of people living now as sex slaves. That there are more people living now as a sex slave [01:36:00] than there were slaves in all of Egypt, than there were all the slaves within, you know, prior to the Civil Rights Emancipation.
And you don't see it every day. Uh, you don't, it's not, it's very, very hidden, but watching porn, producing porn, even scanning like free porn sites, all of those things you're doing is to support people who, who are forced to be sex slaves. And like, how gross is that? You don't want to be a part of that. You don't want to support that.
And. Most of you probably haven't even considered that, but look into it, do your research and make sure that you know, you know, everything that you're talking about and make sure that you know that about all the, the hidden facets of this CD world, because it's not beneficial. It's not helpful. It destroys lives.
It destroys marriages, destroys families. And you could have something so much better. And if you yourself are struggling with pornography, with an addiction to [01:37:00] pornography, I'm really sorry for that. And, um, there's a couple of amazing resources out there. There's, um, a website called Covenant Eyes. It's where you can go and sign up to have someone be accountable for what you watch online.
Um, there's strive21. com, which is a resource specifically for men who are addicted to pornography. Uh, it's run by Matt Fradd, who, he does the, um, Pints with Aquinas show. He's really goofy and I like him. Um, and then there's, uh, Magdala Ministries, who is run by a woman who herself, she was addicted to pornography and has since completely turned her life around and offers ministry for women who are in that situation and support groups and um, chat rooms, that sort of thing.
So really, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm sorry for the part that I [01:38:00] played even indirectly. But I'm glad that you want help. I'm glad that you want to stop. That's like a really hard decision to make. And I hope that those resources will be great for you. And, um, I also encourage people like if you want to reach out to me, that's okay too.
I've had several people, even former clients of mine who have. converted just based on witnessing like the joy that I feel and just based solely on witnessing my transformation that they wanted that for themselves. And isn't that cool that like the woman that I met at the priest's office, she was that for me.
And now I could be that for someone else. Like, I think that's pretty cool. And, um, and so I'm, you know, in, I'm in no way qualified to be professional help, but I can help, I can listen. And also I can help steer you into the right path.
If you want to know more about human trafficking and sex slavery like Brie mentioned, I totally recommend checking out the movie [01:39:00] Sound of Freedom. Some of you have probably already seen it, but you can stream it anywhere like Amazon Prime and it's definitely worth the four or five bucks. And if you want to take Brie's advice and learn more about the harms of pornography and how to overcome unwanted sexual behavior, I wanted to mention a few resources in addition to what she recommended.
The first is a book called Forged by Matt Fradd and Jason Everett. It's a 33 day challenge to help men specifically break free from porn and unwanted sexual behavior. The next one is called Fight the New Drug. It's an awesome organization that makes the research on the harms of pornography really easy to understand and it's totally secular, not religious at all.
I'd also humbly recommend listening to our podcast series called Healing Sexual Brokenness. In the series, we just interview a lot of experts and they give really practical tactics and resources that you can use to overcome unwanted sexual behavior, and it's so relevant for people like us from broken families because like I said in the interview, one expert found that almost 90 percent of people with a sexual addiction come from a broken family, and so it's super helpful for people like us.
And if you want to listen to that, there's two ways to do so. On your [01:40:00] podcast app, just make sure to select a podcast. Our show restored helping children of divorce, and you can search healing, sexual brokenness, and you'll see all of those episodes, or you can just click on the link in the show notes, which will bring you to restored ministry.
com slash sexual brokenness, where you'll see all the episodes and you can select the one that you want to listen to. And finally, because the topic of suicide came up, if you or someone you know is thinking about committing suicide, just call or text the number nine, eight, It's just three numbers, 9 8 8.
Uh, again, call or text 9 8 8 or go to their website, 9 8 8 Lifeline. com. That wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents, divorce or broken family, feel free to share this podcast with them. Honestly, feel free to take 30 seconds now and send it over to them. If someone would have done that to me as someone who comes from a broken family, I would have been super, super grateful for that friend.
In closing, always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life. And keep in mind the words of C. S. Lewis, who said, [01:41:00] you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.
