#124: I Wanted My Divorced Parents Back Together | Ethan
For many of us from divorced families, we unconsciously want our parents to resolve their problems and get back together. Even if that isn’t possible due to abuse or other extreme scenarios, we can’t help but want our family to be whole.
Today’s guest felt that desire for his parents and family. In this episode, we discuss that and more:
How anger, overeating, and lots of activities became his coping mechanisms
How his parents’ divorce has affected him differently in different chapters of his life
How much should parents tell their kids about the divorce?
What he’s done to heal and grow, and how his life is better now
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
Speaker: [00:00:00] For so many of us who came from divorced families, we can't help but want at some level for our parents to resolve their problems and get back together. Now, this isn't true for everyone, right? Especially in extreme situations where the divorce happened because of abuse or violence, there definitely needed to be some sort of a split.
But even if we know it isn't good for our parents to be together in that condition, we often can't help, but just want our family to be whole. And we might even feel ashamed for that, especially if people led us to believe that the divorce is this good, happy thing. My guest today felt that desire for his parents and his family to be whole, and in this episode, he and I discussed that and more.
Like, how as a boy, he would cry himself asleep because of the pain from his family's breakdown. How anger, overeating, and lots of activities became his coping mechanisms, which thankfully, he's outgrown. He shares how his parents divorce has affected him differently in different stages of his life. And in this episode, he just walks us through those different stages.
We discuss how much should parents tell their kids, divulge to their kids about the divorce. [00:01:00] It's a tricky topic, tricky question to answer. And finally, he opens up about what he's done to heal and grow and how his life is better now. Stay with us. Welcome to the Restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents divorce, separation, or broken family, so you can break that cycle.
I'm your host, Joey Panerelli. This is episode 124. We're so happy to hear so many of you have found the podcast helpful and even healing. We've heard lots of great feedback. One woman said this, I found Restored a couple of months ago, and it's given me the clarity and courage to actually begin to address the unprocessed trauma of my parents divorce.
Thank you for this ministry. Again, we're so happy to hear it's been helpful and even healing. We do it for you. Today's episode is sponsored by Black Zone of Films. In a recent survey by [00:02:00] Adobe, 98 percent of Gen Z and 91 percent of Millennials said video is their top content choice. And that's not really surprising, but if you run a business or a ministry, are you taking advantage of that?
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My guest today is Ethan. Like so many of us, he is a child of divorced parents. His hope for you listening is that you know that there is hope and beauty that can rise from the ashes. He graduated from Lancaster Bible College with a degree in biblical studies and currently lives in Nashville, Tennessee, where he performs as a touring drummer.
His goal in life is to love God and others and to be loved by God and others and to make the world a better place. He loves meeting new people and hearing their stories. Without waiting any longer, here's our chat. Ethan, so good to have you on the show, man.
Speaker 2: Thanks, Joey. I'm really [00:04:00] happy to be here.
Speaker: I'm excited to dive into your story.
And as we usually do, just like go head first into it. How old were you when your parents separated and divorced?
Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely. So, uh, when my parents separated, I was about eight years old. I was in third grade. And so they separated then. Um, and I forget when at some point later, they divorced, but I mean, effectively, it felt like they kind of divorced when I was that old.
Speaker: No, it totally makes sense. And, uh, yeah, it is kind of, there's kind of a gray area there, you know, I think often one or the other kind of leaves more of an impact depending on the story. So that totally makes sense to whatever degree you're comfortable sharing, uh, what happened, what led up to it? What, what happened when it all went down?
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. So I'm totally happy to share. And, uh, just as a, uh, I guess a disclaimer to the audience, like I definitely will be talking about some really difficult, um, and hard things, obviously in my story, but I also just want to say that I'm going to talk about a lot of things that have brought me. You know, joy and some peace from this.
So we're going to get to the bottom and we're going to get to the top. So just [00:05:00] uh, hang on for the ride here But uh, yeah, so when my parents separated I remember where we were We all had gathered in the dining room table and mom and dad were like, hey, we need to tell you something or Getting separated and so immediately, like, you know, we all kind of, I ran away out of the room crying and immediately, like, you know, all my siblings and I were sitting upstairs and my first thought was, we have to get them back together.
We have to get them back together. And I just, you know, didn't realize at the time that that's not something you can do as an eight year old. And so, yeah, that was, that was a really pivotal moment in my life. But later that day, I just went over to a friend's house, you know, just cause I think that was my gut reaction was to go be with other people.
So yeah, that's, uh, that's what it looked like when it started.
Speaker: Okay, I know that makes so much sense. And that, man, what I like kind of pure and innocent desire of like, man, I want my family to be whole. I want my parents to kind of work through this. And I think the more people I've talked to, you know, who come from broken families, like even if they see, you know, especially in some [00:06:00] extreme situations, the value of like, okay, there, it was dangerous or there was abuse or whatever we had to, there had to be some sort of a split.
There is always, I think that desire of like, man, wouldn't it be so good if my parents could just work through this stuff and we can have like a whole family. And I remember with my siblings and I don't even know what happened, but it was one night where things were kind of tense at home. This was like, you know, kind of years after the divorce.
And there was some arguing and some like, you know, even crying, I think. And I remember someone just saying like, and all I've really wanted was just like for our family to be whole. And for some reason that just like struck a nerve in me. And I was like, yeah.
Speaker 2: Hmm.
Speaker: Like that's what I want to. So I think that's a desire.
So many of us feel.
Speaker 2: Yeah,
Speaker: I am. No, I wanted to go deeper into your story too. I'm curious, you know, in the months and years that followed and everything leading up to how did that all affect you?
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. That's a great question. And I feel like there's so many different ways to tackle that because, you know, I'm sure there's, you know, how it affected me in elementary school, middle school, high school, college and beyond.
Yeah, I just, I [00:07:00] mean, some immediate ways I think that it affected me. I'll kind of start there and then go forward a little bit. So when I was in elementary school, you know, what that looked like for me was I had always been relatively carefree. Like I'd never really gone through anything that hard in life up to that point.
And so, you know, crying myself to sleep became just like a very frequent, like very normal thing. Even though it wasn't normal. Um, I started experiencing some bullying at school, you know, just different things like that. Yeah. Um, you know, when frequently like eat a lot of seconds to just kind of like try to mask my feelings and like feel a little bit better as a little kid.
Um, so that's how it affected me in the short term. And then once I got to middle school, really, we kind of hit a moment where I realized that, Hey, you know, something that helps me not feel bad is doing things and just really being involved in a lot of activities. And so. I mean, anything that I could possibly do, I did Boy Scouts, youth groups, sports band instruments was just doing [00:08:00] all of it.
And so that's kind of how it affected me more so in elementary and middle school. And then I think at home things change too, you know, cause obviously you're missing seeing the way we had our schedule was we'd see our dad every other weekend. So, you know, definitely missed seeing him as much. You know, and things were just different to like at my mom's house, where we spent, you know, the school weeks, just there's kind of that lack of, Oh, like, I guess we have all have to do some more tours now.
And there's, you know, more conflict just between siblings and stuff. So, you know, it was something we were all trying to figure out together. And so I think it definitely got more difficult, but those are some of the immediate impacts.
Speaker: No, that makes a lot of sense. And yeah, man, what a difficult thing for a kid to go through.
You know, like looking back, we can like summarize that. Kind of easily effortlessly almost, um, but my goodness, when you're in the midst of it, that is heavy stuff.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. And just, I think one of the, the biggest moments that stands out for me. Um, so I really, you know, did have a tough time through like the rest of elementary school and [00:09:00] it kind of came to a head when I was in sixth grade and I, you know, I'd frequently been crying myself to sleep and there was this one night where I was just overwhelmed with tears.
And, uh, for me personally, like I, at that point did believe in God and had that relationship, uh, with him. And so for me, it was on one hand, like I've been raised to believe that God is good and all of this stuff. But on the other hand, my whole world has fallen apart. And so here I am at eight years old, like trying to reconcile these two things.
Like, all right, what's really true. And so at that point in my life, most nights I would just go to bed and I'd pray like, God, just, you know, get my parents back together. Just. Help me out. Like if you're real, just show up. And so, you know, for four years, for three, three years, I didn't hear anything. Like not a word.
It just felt like I was calling somebody on the phone and nobody was answering the other end. And then I had this really, really interesting, like very special moment in my life where I was on my bed one night. In sixth grade, and I was just [00:10:00] crying, like really distraught and unlike any other time in my life, I just felt the presence of God come down on me and he said, Ethan, I have always been here for you, Ethan, I always will be here for you.
And I have a plan for your life. And that was the moment that changed everything for me, because beyond a shadow of a doubt, I knew I was like, all right, like God is real and that's who I'm going to follow and give my life to. And so I know that that's not everybody's story. And, you know, a lot of Christians may not have even had the moment like that.
But the reason I share that is that was just a really big personal turning point for me of, okay, like the worst thing possible could have happened to me did happen. And still somehow, you know, the Lord has showed up and has brought like this beautiful moment out of tragedy.
Speaker: Beautiful. Just sharing that.
And I can totally relate, you know, My story is a little bit different. It was really through meeting friends of mine who were just really like joyful people and I was miserable. Like I was so miserable. I was, you know, hooked on porn and I was just [00:11:00] struggling in a lot of different ways with like emotions, like anger and loneliness, depression, anxiety, like all those things.
And I meet these people who are just like, they're peaceful. They're joyful. Like they're happy people. They're not fake. They're real too. And I was like, like, what in the world? Do you have like whatever that is, like I want it. And so that's really what led me to, to kind of go deeper with faith and build a relationship with God.
But yeah, no, I love hearing that story. And that's like, what a grace, what a gift to like, have that moment.
Speaker 2: Yeah. So that really, you know, that gave me such a strong foundation, I think, cause I, we all know that middle school can be full of ups and downs, but for me, my mom said this thing that I've always thought was really beautiful.
She said, you know, feeling grief. Is like one end of the pendulum and the further that you've swung on that side, the further you can really feel joy on the other side. And I really have seen that ring true in my life. You know, like if I could change the divorce, obviously I would, but, you know, I see that.
Because I've had to deal with such grief at such a young age, like that really has just given me just [00:12:00] an appreciation for the beauty of the things in ordinary moments, you know, like if I'm outside and we're all loading a moving truck, maybe other people would be like, Oh, this, like, I'm tired. This is hot.
This is horrible. And I'm like, guys, The sun is shining like it's 60 degrees. Like this is amazing, you know? And so I just think that's a really great thing, you know, because life is really, really difficult, like excruciating at times, but it also really does have this capacity just to be beautiful. Um, and so I see that as, you know, one of the good things that came out of that experience.
Speaker: 100%. One of the things I've noticed with people like us too is kind of based on that contrast principle that you just articulated so well, um, we, we have like more capacity for empathy I've noticed. And I, I would bet this is true for most people who've been through any sort of trauma, you know, cause I, I see divorce and family falling apart as a trauma.
And that's what the studies say too. And the stories and all that, as you know, but yeah, it seems like it kind of opens a part of your heart that maybe wouldn't have otherwise been open for other people who are also suffering. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, definitely. [00:13:00] And I think the last thing I want to say, cause uh, I'm trying to keep, you know, our audience in mind here, people who have also like their parents have gone through divorce.
Um, our situation was a little bit unique just in the sense that we didn't know why our parents got divorced and they, they never told us. So, you know, I'm very, very grateful that they never brought us in the middle of anything. You know, there was never any like shouting or screaming matches that we witnessed.
You know, but there was just kind of this really weird void. So I know that everybody's story is unique, but I just kind of wanted to provide that little context there.
Speaker: Yeah, that's helpful. Let's stay there for a second. What's your advice to a parent listening right now? Like they're going through a divorce and maybe they were divorced and maybe they're not sure how much they should share with their kids.
I'm curious, kind of your opinion on, you know, what, what should they say? Easy question.
Speaker 2: Yeah. If you're, if you're a parent going through that, I just want to let you know. Okay. That as a child of a situation like that, that, you know, my heart goes out to you. And I know that I'm sure there's a [00:14:00] lot of complex factors that have led to, you know, your present circumstances.
And so I think when you're talking with kids, you know, it's totally different ballgame when you're talking with elementary school kids versus somebody in middle school versus somebody in high school. But I think, you know, the best thing you can do, and I feel like the best thing my parents did was they just.
Like individually, you know, they didn't have the husband, wife thing figured out, but the parent thing, like they had that down there, their focus was always, Hey, how can we both be really present and involved in love and listen to our kids through this process? And so, yeah, I think when it comes to the details of the divorce, you know, like that's not something that they need to know at a young age, you know, when they're older, it definitely is important to unpack that.
I think at some point, but yeah, I think it's, you know, when, if you're focusing on really being a great parent and just keeping conflict to a minimum, like that really does have positive dividends for your kids. It really does help them through that process.
Speaker: Good advice. And I would echo what you said. And I kind of go to [00:15:00] the other end of the spectrum too.
I've seen situations where parents overshare and you were alluding to this too. And it really causes a lot of damage, you know, that whether they're at war with each other and they're trying to, you know, whether it's conscious or not, they're trying to maybe put down the other spouse or make them look bad.
So they kind of win the kid to their side, or, you know, it's just like, they feel like the kids deserve to know. I think there is a possibility of oversharing to where it becomes like this big burden that the children then carry around. I've seen that in many situations. And so I think there is a middle ground, you know, I think on one end leaving, not saying anything, you know, it's probably super confusing to a kid.
Cause like. Why in the world is this happening? On the other hand, caring too much can be kind of damaging too. So I think the, your advice on making it kind of age appropriate and not needing to like divulge all the sins and secrets about kind of what went down, I think is, is really good. And I've heard people say, you know, when you're talking to your kids about sex too, like it's kind of similar, like you want to give [00:16:00] them just enough information to kind of satisfy their curiosity, but not more.
And then when they get older and they have more questions and they need to know more information, you give them kind of more. So you're kind of like unveiling, kind of peeling back the layers a little bit of a time. And I think that's really good advice when it comes to, uh, this whole divorce topic as well.
I'm sure there's a lot more we can say there, but I'm curious to kind of keep going through the different chapters of your story. And I love that you broke it down that way. Cause I think it's so true that it, um, the struggles, the trauma, like kind of surfaces comes out in different ways as we kind of progress through life.
So yeah, tell us more.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I'll just kind of skip ahead on to high school. So, or I guess, yeah, middle school and high school. So I think one thing, and again, you learn a lot, it's just, it's wow. You really do learn so much at different stages because I can look back now at 27 years old on middle school and high school and, College and say, oh, that's when this was happening or that's when I was experiencing that.
But at the time I didn't have language for that. I didn't know what that was. I just kind of knew how I felt. So [00:17:00] a lot of times the way that I felt during that season of my life was that All of my feelings were just wrapped up together just like and I couldn't even name them, you know There was anger in there.
There was depression in there There was sadness and it just felt like this swirling tornado that I could not quell just this storm inside me And so It was really difficult for me to be alone. It was really difficult for me to do anything. Like I remember, you know, even up into high school, like if I, everybody was out of the house and I was just had a day off school or something, like if I was at the home alone, like it would lead me, it would leave me in tears, like inevitably, just cause I could physically not stand like being alone with my emotions.
And so. You know, the way I coped with that was by doing a lot of activities, but really spending a lot of time with friends. I found that, you know, consistently the thing that always helped me feel better was just having like other people I could be around, you know, just to joke around and do fun stuff with, but also on occasion, just really be honest about how I was feeling.
[00:18:00] And that's one thing I'm super proud of that, you know, I was able to do and that I was able to have friends like that. And so I think at any age, you know, if you're older than me or younger than me, like that's always just a really great thing is to just have, you know, you don't need a lot of people, but if you just have a couple of people who you really, really trust, just to spend time with them and to share what's really going on.
And then I think the other biggest thing for me because of that, you know, it just felt like there was never any peace inside, but For whatever reason, I had originally started playing drums as a kid, and I said, Mom, I want to play trumpet. And she said, No, you need to learn rhythm first. And so that's actually like why I'm still a drummer today, which is very funny.
But I remember the first time like I sat behind a drum set, I was just it was electric. It was so much fun. And then I got a drum set for my birthday in seventh grade and set it up in the basement. And I would pop in the Foo Fighters greatest hits, which is That is a great record. And when I would play along to that, I mean, Joey, it just felt like everything in my world was right.
It just felt like all of my [00:19:00] spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical chaos, just like quieted down. And it felt like all of that came together just for like this really beautiful, beautiful piece. And so honestly, like, I think that was the first time in my life where I just really was like, Like I feel okay.
And that was really significant for me, you know, and as an older adult, I can be like, Oh yeah, well, you know, you're physically moving your body and I can like try to explain all this stuff, but just at a very like human instinctual level, like that was just such a beautiful gift that I was able to receive.
And honestly, like. That aside from my faith and my friends and my family, like that has been the biggest influence in my life that has really helped me just make sense of it all. Cause you know, I think we all need something like that. And you know, whether that's a sport, whether that's art, whether that's, you know, insert your passion here, like that space is really sacred.
And I think it's a good thing to have. Um, cause when you can feel okay, you know, or you can feel, I guess, normal, [00:20:00] Wow, that's not the right word I'm looking for. When you can get to a baseline level of like peace, I think that's a really good thing because then you're able to bring that into other spaces in your life and offer that to other people.
Speaker: So good. No, I love all of that. And what I hear you saying too is I've heard, um, some psychologists talk about like our emotions on a scale, like our basic emotions on a scale where you have like hyper arousal and hypo arousal. And the way it was explained to me Was, you know, we're kind of meant to be at, if you think of a scale of one to 10 at the bottom of that scale is called hypoarousal where you're totally depressed, like kind of lifeless.
Um, at the top of the scale is called hyperarousal. That's where you're completely anxious. Like you're feeling terror essentially. And we'll kind of go up and down that scale throughout our life. Um, but we want to be like in the five or six range where we have peace, but we may have a little bit of an excitement, uh, like a healthy stress or, you know, a little bit of like a, You know, pop intercept sort of thing.
And, um, that sounds like that's what you experienced. You were kind of like up and down on that scale. And then finally there was something that kind [00:21:00] of helped you stay in that equilibrium, which makes so much sense. And I had a similar experience to kind of like you were saying when I was surrounding myself with like these other friends who were just living like really happy, healthy lives compared with like the sports buddies who I was hanging around with who just weren't.
There was just something about that that was contagious to me. And I was like, okay, now, you know, I certainly didn't earn or get to like emotional mastery overnight by any means, like it was still messy for me. But in time I noticed myself kind of leveling out and better able to, you know, kind of regulate as I know it's kind of a psych term, but it's like, basically, how do you go from being up or down on that scale to getting back to the middle?
As quickly as you can. And so that's what I hear you saying. Anything you would add to that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's a great segue because on the scale of kind of hypo arousal versus hyper arousal. Honestly, I live probably most of my life at like a seven or eight, like the whole way through like high school and college, just.
Flying just doing as much as I could just like, you know, and some of that was really good, [00:22:00] just like beautiful ambitions to like, want to just really make the most of life. But there definitely was also a dynamic of trying to kind of outrun the pain. And I want to be clear that like, that's something that, you know, I still struggle with today.
And like, you know, it was very prevalent in my life, probably right up until about COVID and even after that. But the first time I realized it and became conscious of it, I was working at this summer camp for the second year in a row. And I didn't have time. I only could work there for one week. Um, and I was so excited.
And when I went back, I was just exhausted the whole week. Like I was just tired. It wasn't the same. And I remember one of these camp counselors sharing a story from when they were a kid about like wanting to run away. And my first thought was like, you know, that sounds pretty nice. Like no stress, no responsibilities.
And I was like, Oh my gosh, I was like, man, I need to I need to rest. And in that moment, I became consciously aware as like going into my junior of high school, like, Oh, I'm trying to outrun this thing. Like I'm trying to outrun the pain that I feel. And that was the first time that I really became aware of it.
And so, you know, still [00:23:00] obviously was going a mile a minute, but like tried to like take a couple of things off that I like was over committed to. Um, I think that's a word that accurately describe my life a lot during that time. And so, yeah, I kind of became aware of that then. And then I'm sure there's other stuff in high school that I'm forgetting, but really that kind of followed me into college.
You know, I went to a Bible college, which was a really good experience for me. And then my sophomore year, we took this class called student and family counseling, uh, which is basically, you know, you're trying to learn the basics of how to Help people who are going through tough things. And so the first assignment was right about the toughest thing that you've ever been through.
And I was like, Oh, okay, well, that's easy. I've already worked through that. I'm past that. You know, this is great. And then I wrote about my parents divorce and realized, in fact, I was not past it and I had a lot to work through there. And so. For anybody who's in that, that college space, I think the biggest thing I realized was that for me personally, the way we all process negative emotional differently, but instead of me becoming angry and directing that outwards [00:24:00] at my parents or other people, my default mode was to always turn that inward of like, Oh, what's wrong with me?
Or why do I feel this way? And so it kind of manifested as depression for me a lot growing up. So in college, I realized, Oh, no, like there's actually a lot of anger here. And so I really, for the first time began to look that in the face and like, how do I process, how do I express this, you know, to my parents?
And that led to some pretty, pretty raw moments for me. And so, you know, I want to be honest and say to the people that are struggling in that time of life, that it's okay. Like. I always tell people life after high school, like, you know, it will be worse than you could ever imagine, but it will also be like way better than you could ever imagine.
And there was nights where, you know, I'd be screaming in my car, just God and just praying and just so angry, you know, and then also there would be these moments of, you know, healing and just connection with others. And so I want to be honest with that, that like, you know, there is layers to this thing.
And I know psychologists and therapists will tell you that [00:25:00] it's, you have to kind of reprocess it at each age. Um, but that was certainly my experience in that college, college era. Wow.
Speaker: No, that's deep and really good. I think for anyone, like you said, in that stage of life right now, and I can totally relate to the anger.
I can relate to entering new chapters in life and. Different brokenness in me, like surfacing again, different parts of me kind of coming out that, you know, maybe were somewhat dormant in the past. And, uh, I remember, yeah, similar to you, like being in college. And I remember, uh, the girl I was dating at the time, great girl, you know, I just had this experience of just feeling like super broken.
That was like the best language I could put to it. Like I felt like kind of fragmented, like, yeah. So, you know, some form of depression, I guess, and just overall just feeling, yeah, broken. And, you know, I didn't, I knew I wasn't supposed to like, take it to her. Um, and so eventually similar to what you were describing, I was able to get therapy on campus and that was helpful and try to just make sense of the emotions and what I had been through in the past and not just like what I had been through in the past, but how it was affecting me today.
And, and that's 1 thing I think a [00:26:00] lot of us overlook is we think that the past is like in the past, but sometimes as 1 of my guests said, the past lives in the present. And that's really like the, one of the earmarks, one of the signs of trauma is that we're carrying that stuff with us. Like our brains almost can't differentiate often that what had happened in the past wasn't kind of brought to closure.
And therefore we are living our life as if we're in the midst of it right now. And that's a really difficult thing to carry with you.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I think a therapist or somebody said to me one time that you're every age that you've ever been. And I was like, Oh man. You know, because you kind of, there's those parts of you that you still, you know, feel those things and you can depend if you haven't resolved them to process things like that.
And so, you know, while I started that work in college, I just did it for one semester, I kind of just dipped my toes in and didn't really, you know, fully dive in, which was fine, like, Maybe I just wasn't ready at that point. And so after college, I'd moved down to Atlanta, Georgia and was doing a new job, was doing a ton of music stuff, was like going to a new church [00:27:00] and kind of in a lot of the same way, like really lived in that over functioning mentality, but just on a, in a new place on an even bigger capacity and, and, you know, spread even more thin.
And it wasn't really until COVID hit that. It was the week before COVID. I went into a therapist's office because there was somebody that I was making no money my first year out of college. And, uh, they had like a therapist who would meet with you for a discounted rate because they finished all their schooling, but like they're getting their hours to get licensed.
And so I could actually afford it, which was awesome. And I got super blessed, uh, to actually be paired with like one of the best therapists of all time. And I'm very, very grateful for them. And, uh, yeah, I just walked in and I was like, you know, I've had one of the best years of my life. Like I've overcome a lot of challenges by moving to this new city, but something's off.
Like I know that something's off deep inside me and I just can't figure out why. And then, um, that really unlocked a process. And because of COVID and the slow down that I just had this time in my life to actually do the work and really [00:28:00] dig in. And so honestly, yeah, one of the biggest things that has helped me in my journey is therapy.
So I did that for three and a half years and I could, man, I really, I could probably write a whole book on everything that I've learned. But it really does take six to nine months of doing therapy on a weekly or bi weekly basis to really start seeing, um, and understanding some of the lessons that you've learned.
And I think this analogy might help some people who are, if you're weary of therapy, like I totally get it. You know, there's a lot of people who are, um, so I ran track in high school. And not because I wanted to, it's just because we didn't have a baseball team one year. And I was like, Oh, what the heck?
You got to do something. And so the first day of practice, our coach is like, you don't know how to run. And I was like, what are you talking about? I've been running my whole life. Who do you think you are? And then he proceeded to break down the mechanics of running, how, you know, you, in order to have the fastest time, you really have to make sure you're lifting your knee.
Fully extending your leg, like driving through, like kicking your feet. And then I realized, Oh, I was very wrong. There is a right way in a wrong way to run. [00:29:00] And the way I try to explain therapy to people is, you know, you might say, of course, I know how to feel my feelings. Like I've been me my whole life.
But until somebody really breaks it down for you and says, Hey, this is how you can sit with a negative emotion. And this is how you can name it and process it and give it space to be felt. You know, like you just don't know how to do that. And so for me, over a very long period of time, like this was not an overnight thing, slowly week by week, day by day, I learned what it was to find like one little feeling or one little negative thing that I can kind of pull out of that tornado.
And just sit with and like, take the 90 seconds or so to really feel that emotion and then start to process it. And it was just awesome, man. Like, I think for the first time in my life, I was really able to start taking some of those bigger chunks and move things out of this, like, bucket of unawareness, just all this stuff I was struggling with that I didn't even know about.
I moved it into the awareness of like, okay, this maybe is why I'm feeling this way and why I'm having these issues. And then slowly, as I was ready at a much slower pace than I wanted [00:30:00] to, because I was like, come on, why aren't we done with this yet? You know, just bit by bit, I was really able to process those, um, and get to a point where I really started to feel, you know, emotionally healthy.
Um, and I'd say like kind of where I was at the end of that, you know, fully transparent, like you will still have days where you're depressed. You will still have a lot of ordinary days and you'll still have some really good days. But I think I'm at a point now where when I'm healthy, I can really process my emotions in the moment or like day by day.
And so instead of just all of this backlog of feelings continuing to pile up and just kind of overwhelm me all at once, like a tidal wave crashing down, I can kind of take it like smaller wave by smaller wave, which is a much better way to live. And probably one of the biggest concepts I took away from therapy was, you know, the window of tolerance where they talk about, you know, trying to like regulate yourself where, you know, sometimes Like you just have this much energy to be able to feel things.
And so you want to stay inside that zone and you know, you can let negative stuff into the stuff to the degree that you can handle it. And then if you can't handle it, [00:31:00] you know, you just take a step back and be like, Hey, that's not where I'm at today. But I think overall therapy has helped me stay.
Increase my window of tolerance and just stay a little bit more regulated on a day to day basis.
Speaker: No, and that, that's like a transformation in itself, you know, from maybe being controlled by your emotions, or maybe your emotions drive you to act in a certain way that's like harmful to you to them being able to say, Nope, my emotions are not the boss.
Like I'm in control. But I'm not going to disregard them. I'm going to give them the space that they need. There's a reason they're there. They deserve some validation, some acknowledgement, but again, they're not going to be the boss of me. They're not going to control me. So what a good and like healthy way to process it all.
And I, um, that's so fascinating. You mentioned like unawareness to awareness. Cause we, we've noticed this trend in the interviews we've done on this podcast, that a lot of people kind of have that shift. Kind of on a meta like, um, macro level when they're looking at kind of the brokenness in their life that they might like you and I experienced understand that, man, yeah, I'm dealing with all these emotional problems, like anxiety, depression, loneliness.
[00:32:00] I maybe I'm acting out, you know, struggling with this, whatever anger, you know, reacting on anger or looking at porn or whatever other unhealthy behavior. But they so often don't have like a full awareness around it or they don't trace it back to its origin. Like how did this start? Where did this come from?
What's the root of it? Not just like the symptom. And then when they go through that period of moving from like unawareness to awareness, there's like this kind of eye opening this aha moment. Like when people say where it's like, okay, this is making more sense. Like it can connect the dots. I can understand kind of why you know, I do this, why I do that.
Um, but then they need tools kind of like you were saying to be able to deal with it all. And that sounds like what therapy gave you, which is so, so beautiful. And I think at that point, you know, you're able to then kind of move into this final stage of like, okay, so again, you're going from unawareness to awareness, then from the awareness, you kind of understand the things and you need to go into this like processing or healing stage.
And then it seems like the final stage there is like some form of freedom, not perfection, not like utopia that's not real, but some form of like freedom where it's not [00:33:00] controlling you anymore. So you somewhat described that model, which is really interesting. And again, that's not something we made up. It was just like something that popped up at us after doing like dozens of these stories, which I thought was.
Super, super interesting. One last point and then I'd love to hear if you have any thoughts on this is, um, how young, um, the Swiss psychologist, I think it was not endorsing everything he said, but he had this really interesting quote that he said until kind of talking about awareness and unawareness, he said, until you make like the subconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate.
So I think there is truly this kind of unconscious part of us that's really controlling our behavior and that until we go through the process that you described of like taking it out of the unawareness into the awareness from the subconscious into the conscious, that's when a lot of freedom can be found.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah. And that certainly is a process because when you're a kid, it's I feel bad. I always feel bad. I want to stop feeling bad. What makes me stop feeling bad? Insert anything that makes you stop feeling bad, whether it's good or a bad habit. [00:34:00] So yeah, and those things that you're unaware of, you know, those can carry on into your early twenties.
And if that's you, or if you're like way older than that, like, Dude, don't feel bad for that for a second. Like I want you to celebrate the fact that you may be for the first time coming aware of, Hey, there's some things weighing me down that maybe I don't even know about. Cause I think the biggest thing is really celebrating those little steps because it's truly not about arriving.
To a place of like, you know, happiness or all of these things. It's just every single day. You really got to celebrate those moments where you gain a little bit of healing in one area or a little bit of perspective in another. Yeah. And I just think everything you said with that quote is so true. Yeah.
Cause the things that we don't know. Do still affect us whether we're aware of them or not, but, you know, even moving those things into your awareness, like that's great. And, you know, if you don't have the ability to like figure all that out today, that's okay. And the second thing that was coming to me there.
[00:35:00] So that's, I think, really where I started, like somewhere near the end of my therapy, we kind of dived into like negative core beliefs. And I really became aware of some of those for the first time, like things that I subconsciously believed about myself. That were really affecting the way that I lived and to even just be able to name those was like, Oh my gosh, you know, sometimes I think for me, like, I'm not going to remember all of them, but like, I think one of the biggest ones was like, I have to do this all by myself or, you know, like it's all up to me.
And, you know, that's such an American thing that we celebrate of, yeah, go get a move to a new city, start a new job, find a band, like, look at you go pick yourself up by your own bootstraps, but that's just not how the world works. And there is some good virtue, you know, to being somebody who's courageous and willing to try and do things.
But I want to be transparent and just say that there's also a really shadow side to that of just believing that it's all up to you. And that if you, you know, don't figure it out, like. Your life [00:36:00] is going to be a waste or it's all going to go wrong. And so that's definitely something that at once I heard that, I was like, Oh my gosh, I could look back over all of my life and say like, yeah, I was just really driven by this, this fear and just this need to kind of, you know, move forward at all costs.
And so, yeah, and. I think towards the end of my therapy journey, you know, I had done a lot of good work. I was one of my biggest dreams. I don't think I mentioned it yet was always to be a touring drummer. That was just this big, like thing I wanted to do. And I had finally gotten a chance to do it. You know, I had toured all these States and I was just like, you know, circumstantially it was on top of the world.
But right after I got back from that, I remember sitting in my therapist's office and just telling her it feels like, um, if there's a Canyon, right. It feels like somebody put three steps on one end of the canyon and said, all right, go jump to the other side. It felt like I had just, or it felt like I had built these steps and I was running as fast as I could and jumping and just could not like overcome, you know, these negative feelings.
And [00:37:00] I really, you know, just hit this moment of kind of hopelessness. And I share that just to be honest that, you know, like, it's not like this super linear thing where you're just going to feel, you know, totally great at the end. And it's like, Hooray. You know, there's, it's truly like to the left, to the right, back, forward, up, down, and you know, that was a real moment that I experienced, but on flip side of that, you know, there's also some other really beautiful moments of just ordinary things.
Like in that year, you know, I had a chance to like go and tour and play drums, uh, which you would have thought, Oh, the best day you spent that year was traveling to this really cool place to play this awesome show. And actually my favorite day that year was getting to go home with my family. Go pick apples at an apple orchard and sit on the couch and just watch some football, you know?
And so I, I want to share that because I think, you know, it's easy in our society to believe that pursuing your dreams and building your best life is the path to healing and wholeness. And I think what's beautiful is [00:38:00] that, you know, the things that can really help give us a meaningful, purposeful, whole life are a lot of the things that are just available to all of us.
And I think that's so beautiful. Things like breathing, things like taking a walk outside, things about just like sharing a meal or a cup of coffee with a friend. You know, we don't need to master ourselves or become like the best in the world at something to be okay And I just I think there's such a beauty in that and so I know that's probably not everybody's default response to you know The things they've gone through but i'm sure that there's somebody out there who you know Just is kind of that that was their response was I have to do everything and so to that person I just want to take a moment to say that you can rest that you're worthy You Of that rest.
And there is a peace and there's a hope available to you and that you don't have to strive to find your worthiness. Your worthiness and value has already been bestowed upon you because of who you are, and there are people who can [00:39:00] celebrate that and really love you and lift you up for who you are, where you are beautiful.
Speaker: And I think you'd find this. What I've learned is that there's so many of us actually who do struggle with what you said of. Kind of this fierce independence and feeling like, man, it's all on our shoulders. And if we alter it all, we're going to, you know, have, it's going to have serious consequences. So that's a freeing and thank you for saying that there's so much more in your story.
I want to get into, um, but I do want to shift to relationships. So I'm curious kind of, yeah. How did you see your parents divorce, everything that happened in your family, affect your relationships, especially your dating relationships?
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a great question. So for me, I had one serious relationship.
So my senior year of high school, I dated a girl I was friends with, and we dated for nine months and just had a really great relationship, you know, and then kind of at the end of high school, I just realized that, you know, I was going on to college and different things. And so I was the one who actually broke up with her.
And I felt horrible about that. I felt devastated, you know, cause it wasn't like [00:40:00] there was anything wrong with her. I just knew that I wasn't ready to get married because I was not trying to get married at 18, 19 or 20. And based off of what I had been taught, you know, that was kind of the purpose of dating was like just to get married.
And so that really wrecked me. And I think, you know, kind of an unconscious agreement. That I made with myself was, well, I'm not going to date anybody until the next person I date is the person I'm going to marry, which is a dumb agreement to make with yourself. But I think that I was just so hurt by that.
And I didn't want to cause that pain to somebody else. You know, that, that was kind of unconsciously what was going on for me. And so when I got to college, you know, I had tons of opportunities, you know, to like, I was just around so many great people and I definitely could have, you know, gone on dates, but I think half jokingly, half serious.
I was like, well, I don't want to get married. I don't want to get married young. You know, I gotta, I gotta play drums in a band. And that was kind of my cop out funny response. But you know, by the time I was 21 and my third year of college, I was like, Oh man, this is a really deep [00:41:00] desire that I have. And so to be honest, like I've gone, you know, on a lot of dates, but I haven't really been in a serious relationship since that time, which, so I'm definitely still working through that.
And I feel like I'm just now kind of getting to a point where I'm ready. To jump into, I guess, kind of that. And so I think that is probably one of the negative ways that I don't know, I guess like the divorce, but also like, you know, I'm sure that has to do with me personally. But like, I think I just one of my regrets is not having been more willing to do that.
Sooner, because I think I let fear kind of have a little bit more control there than it needed to. So that's the honest version.
Speaker: Yeah, no, thanks for the honest version. That's what I love to hear. And yeah, man, the fear held me back so long and so much in my relationships and gosh, I held off from dating for a while because I was just really afraid, if I'm honest.
Maybe I would have said it was something different, but I was just like, I felt kind of clueless and incompetent when it came to love [00:42:00] relationships, dating, like I thought in marriage, you know, I thought like other people knew what they were doing and I just. Did not. And it just brought a lot of anxiety into my life, a lot of fear.
So anyway, I can really relate. And the whole breakup component too, I think they're harder for people like us. Not to say that breakups don't suck whenever you go through them, but yeah, I I've seen what, what I've seen is like, it can almost feel like a mini divorce. And obviously it's not a breakup is actually a good thing in many ways.
Cause it's like, well, I've decided that I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with this person, but it's really. Painful to go through. And so, yeah, I, I've seen that. I think I know I've even felt that too. It was like, if I were to break up with this person, it's like abandoning them. And I just like have such a strong instinct to me to never abandon anyone because of what I went through.
And that could really, that could cause some damage, especially if it's a relationship or a time in your life when, you know, it's not going to work out like you described. So I think, yeah, there's a lot to navigate there when it comes to relationships and breakups.
Speaker 2: Yeah. And again, you know, that's not something that you realize in the moment because in [00:43:00] the moment, it's like, I know this isn't a divorce.
I know this is just a breakup, but I think your body feels like it's a divorce. And it's like, no, but last time it wasn't my fault, but this time it is my fault. And I think that's the subconscious thing. And that's why, you know, it can be so powerful. And so, yeah, I just don't think I was even aware of all that.
But then ironically, recently, uh, Me and that girlfriend connected a couple years ago, just caught up randomly on the phone, just totally platonic, just as friends. And, uh, I was just like, Oh, she's fine. I'm fine. Like, you know, I'm not a bad person. And I was like, I realized in that moment, I was like, I have been carrying this shame for years and I had like no reason to be carrying that, you know?
And so, yeah,
Speaker: No, that's beautiful. I, similar with me, like the girls I dated awesome girls. I'm just didn't work out for some reason, uh, whatever reason. And, uh, now they're doing great. They seem like they're doing great in life and I'm super happy for them. And so anyway, I can totally relate with you. And I think there, there's a lot of peace [00:44:00] that can come from that.
Cause we, yeah, I think it is natural when you love someone to feel a level of responsibility toward them. Like you, you want the best for them. And that's a good thing. And I don't think like, just because you break up with them, it's like automatically stopping as if you can cut out a part of your heart and never feel anything like, like you care deeply for them.
And so you, you want the best for them. So I totally can see the different layers to what you're saying there. So thanks for sharing all that. And, uh, I'm sure there's so much more we could say on the relationship topic. I did want to shift over to, when it comes to healing, you already mentioned a ton of things that have helped you heal.
I'm curious if there's anything else maybe that we haven't talked about so far that was really instrumental in helping you to, to heal and to cope with everything.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think just to, to get really practical, um, to kind of like the up to date. So when I was kind of winding down therapy and was still, you know, feeling depressed and just kind of having some of those thoughts, I think one thing that I decided to do is just to kind of get back To some habits that I had that, you know, really helped me feel good at a different point in my life.
And so for me, [00:45:00] and again, this is not for everybody, but just what I decided to do for a three month time period was like, all right, I'm going to cut out coffee. I'm going to cut out drinking and kind of, I started running again, which was something that I had done very frequently in high school. Cause you know, I did soccer and track, but after that it was just always very sporadic.
And then, you know, actually ended up training for a longer race that I ran with my brother. And I think just having that was, you know, something good because I really think when it comes to the healing thing, like I think physical movement and exercise has so much more to offer us than we're even aware of.
And, you know, that was just so beneficial for me. So to anybody who is feeling stuck, like. You know, if that is within your power to take a 10 minute walk or a 15 minute walk, just start there. You know, like even when I was working a job that was crazy hours, that was super difficult, like way over the top, I would make time to just do pushups once a day with all my buddies in the office.
And like, you know, little things like that can make [00:46:00] a big difference. So that's something practical. That's kind of just like more recent in my life. Yeah, I'm just thinking other healing. Can I jump
Speaker: in there for a second? I was just thinking how useful that tip you just said is, and just wanted to add my take on it.
So often for me, when I was going through like really tough, broken parts of my life, and I was really struggling, I often found that I would just like get stuck in my head. I know, or I would like hyper focus on my emotions. And like you just described, it was just really freeing to kind of get out of my mind and like into my body.
And so, like you said, like working out doing, you know, just enjoying like a beautiful sunset, going on a walk, swimming, like whatever form that took, just some sort of like movement and kind of some sort of sensory experience, healthy sensory experience, like. Yeah, that was healing. That was helpful. It helped calm me down, especially if I was anxious or gave me a little bit of life if I was like down and depressed.
So yeah, all of that I think is super, super useful and very practical for someone who maybe is in the midst of it right now.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. And then a different avenue that's been, I think, just really beautiful for me [00:47:00] personally. I know that not everybody has more of an artistic bend, but for me, like, I'm not a great painter, but like what does come naturally To me is writing.
So I really just enjoy writing, you know, just about my feelings. And that's something that I was encouraged to do kind of starting in high school, but just, you know, writing journaling has been really, really powerful for me. And then I think just kind of the acts of little beautiful things. So I'm a drummer and I can't actually like write songs because I don't understand melody, but I've learned enough to be able to, you know, write these little attempts at songs.
And. It's just so joy filling and life bringing for me to be able to take this thing that I feel and, you know, communicate it and put it into these melody and these lyrics. And then to be able to, you know, hopefully one day share that with other people. And again, like full transparency, this is not on Spotify.
I am not good at this. This is just something that I do purely because I love it. And so, you know, whatever your thing is Don't assume that you have to be a master at any [00:48:00] artistic endeavor for it to have value in your life. Like art just has this beautiful healing capacity that's available to all people.
You know, everybody has a voice. Everybody can sing, even if it's out of tune, you know, most people, I shouldn't say that caveat most people, but you know, like we all have opportunities to just really explore those little artistic creative things. So whatever that is for you, like, I would just encourage you to throw yourself into that.
With the confidence of a little kid just, you know, so excited to try something because it's kind of like the backdoor to healing, you know, in the same way I was talking about how drumming was just super good for me. I think those, there's something really special about art and creativity and just those things that bring us pleasure that there's no expectations tied to, you know, that can just really be a beautiful avenue to kind of take you out of all the negative and just kind of give you this backdoor into.
Yeah, just a positive frame of mind.
Speaker: So good. And it's so interesting what I've learned from like listening to trauma therapists and even interviewing someone here is being artistic accesses the part of your [00:49:00] brain where trauma typically stored. Um, it's like the emotional part of your brain. So you have.
One brain theory, this is just one, is like you divide your brain into two, there's like the logical part, which is more associated with like math, solving problems, you know, logic, things like that. Then there's the emotional side of your brain, which is more associated with, yeah, just being artistic, like kind of feeling feelings and then, you know, responding in like emergency situations.
It's not as much thoughtful, so to say, but just more reactive. And when we do When we're artistic, it actually accesses that part of our brain. And what can often happen with trauma is that when we go through something traumatic, that emotional part of our brain takes over because we get in this like fight or flight mode.
And so that part of the brain actually like commandeers everything else. And so it can be really difficult, like you described earlier in your story, can be really difficult to put into words those experiences that we've been through, the struggles that we're having because they're so deeply like ingrained in that emotional side of the brain.
And so one of the ways that therapists like activate that or access that is through art. And so, [00:50:00] like you said, super, super helpful in healing. And you don't necessarily need a therapist to like do art, but they use it in their therapy to, to help kind of bring healing. And so one thing too, about that, that I've learned, I mentioned this in other episodes, but.
Um, that emotional side of your brain doesn't have a sense of time. And so, like we were saying before, if you haven't kind of brought closure to some trauma from your past, some really difficult experience that you had that really left an impact on you and you weren't able to really cope with well, then yeah, it can like still be affecting you to this day to where you can be walking around like you're.
You know, 25, 30 year old man, but if it's triggered in the right way, you can then act like a 10 year old. And, and this happens a lot, right? And so one of the ways to, to heal that is to, you know, kind of access that part of your brain and be able to tell, you know, that younger you, Hey, this is over. It's in the past.
We're like a better, stronger person now to handle it. Like that was a really difficult thing to go through. Not. Minimizing it at all. But now we can like move on with our life. It's not, doesn't need to control us. So anyway, [00:51:00] not to go on that too much of a tangent there, but I thought it's really powerful.
And I think just validates the whole thing of like, yeah, art is a good thing. And whatever form that takes for you, I think it can be really, really healing.
Speaker 2: And I think one last thing that I would be remiss if I didn't share, um, I remember after I'd had that sixth grade moment, I was going on like this kind of church retreat and, you know, I just always felt like at school, you know, I was made fun of or put down and just, you know, kids in the neighborhood, like whatever it just, there was never really a space where I knew that I could fully be myself and just be accepted.
And for me, I found that space for the first time at the youth group at our church. And I just remember, you know, Feeling love for who I was and that, you know, I could really be accepted as I am. And again, you know, I know that there's many people from many different faith and belief backgrounds. Um, and so, you know, whatever that looks like for you, I just truly, I think that's the thing that's made the biggest difference for me was just having, you know, a couple older adults outside my immediate family, really believe in me and [00:52:00] pour into me and really having a community of people, just a safe space where I could just belong.
And just be totally weird and totally, you know, goofy and just be accepted and be celebrated for that. And so I just realized I was like, wow I've spent this whole time talking about everything else except, you know Probably the thing that has had the biggest impact And you know that could be hard to find like especially if you're kind of out of the school college environment Like that's difficult to find but man it is worth fighting for and it is worth Putting yourself out there to find those spaces because, you know, at the end of the day, we're social beings, social creatures that are sometimes rational.
You know, we're not rational creatures that are sometimes social. So yeah, we really do need other people. And, uh, I hope that if you don't have people like that, that you can find them. And, you know, I'm certainly, I think there's A lot of people who would want to connect with you like that
Speaker: really good stuff.
I love how practical all of your advice has been. You've done this throughout the conversation, but if you would kind of quickly summarize, how's your life different now? Like you've gone through [00:53:00] this healing process, this transformation, obviously we're always still a work in progress. It's not something that's necessarily one and done.
And like you said before, healing isn't linear. It kind of, you know, jumps around. It's personal. It's the way we talk about it. So I'm just curious. Yeah. Contrast, um, for us quickly, how life is now to compared to how it was.
Speaker 2: Man, you get me excited, Joey. This is good stuff, man. So, I mean, honestly, you know, like full transparency, I was crying in my car yesterday, like the ups and the downs are still there, but man, I.
Genuinely for all the struggle and all the pain and the deep grief that I feel like I've walked through, I feel like through strength outside of my own, that I have really come to experience a hope that is deep and that's lasting. And I really, you know, believe that God wants that for everybody and that that's available to everybody.
And I just, you know, whether you believe in that or not, like God loves you, he does have a plan for your life. He's always been there for you. He always will be there for you. And [00:54:00] I just really, you know, if you are, if you don't believe that right now for yourself, just know that I'm believing that for you.
And yeah, man, like it's funny because if 27 year old me sat down with. Eight year old me, 10, 15, 20 year old me and said, there's hope I might laugh in his face and try to fight him, you know, but truly just in the most compassionate way I can say it, dude, there is hope in your darkest night. There is hope in the midst and the thickness of the struggle.
You know, you might not be able to see that, but I promise you that there is a morning. The morning does come. And I just want you to hold on to that, man. Like whoever's listening to this, like, just get some fire in your chest and just like, know that, you know, it's not all ever going to be okay, but like, it's meaningful and there is purpose.
And so I just hope that you feel empowered that no matter who you are, no matter where you've come from, no matter what your circumstances are, like there is a plan for your life and it is meaningful and it is purposeful. You're loved. And you're valuable and you're needed so
Speaker: [00:55:00] good, man. Thank you for all that.
And if someone wanted to get in touch with you or maybe even check out some of your music, what's the best way to do that?
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. So I haven't, uh, released any of my music, but I'm happy to like, share with you my little garage band demos, which is just me and an acoustic guitar, like do it a little bit.
But yeah, I'm definitely happy to like reach out to people via email. Um, you know, we can just connect there and then, uh, can go from there. And I think, uh, you'll have that available for people too.
Speaker: Yeah. Thank you. We'll throw that in the show notes and no, I'm excited to, uh, once. Yeah. You know, whenever. You do put stuff on Spotify.
We'll be ready to listen. So it was awesome. Thank you so much. And man, what you just said was like kind of the last word, but I just want to throw it back to you maybe one more time and just see if there's any final pieces of encouragement or advice that you would give to the younger, you listening right now, like to close this out, what would you say?
And again, thank you so much for being here.
Speaker 2: Yeah, man, thank you so much for having me. It's a, it's an absolute joy just to be able to [00:56:00] share, you know, The real depths of the hardness to be able to share the real, the real heights of the hope what I would say to my younger self. Oh, man, that's a deep one. Um, I feel like for, for me personally, you know, it's hard not to give a faith based answer for this one.
Um, so I think for me, it would just be that. God's promises are true. And I think at the end of the day, it's hard to believe sometimes that he is always there for us and that he loves us and he has a plan, but enduringly through the worst, the best, and the most like crazy moments of my life, I have really witnessed those to be true.
And I'm grateful that I get to testify of that today.
Speaker: If you'd like to share your story with us like Ethan did, we'd love to hear it. You can do that in three simple steps. But first, some of the benefits of sharing your story. Reflecting on your story and sharing your story with someone who can receive it with empathy is actually healing on a neurobiological level.
It makes your brain healthier, according to [00:57:00] neurobiologists. Writing your story is also healing. Studies have shown that people who write about emotionally significant events in their lives, they're healthier, they're happier, they're less depressed. less anxious, uh, and so on. And finally, it can just be super helpful for someone to read your story.
Who's maybe a few steps behind you, they're going through things that you went through. They can get a lot of encouragement and advice by reading. Your story. And so if you want to share your story, just go to restored. Ministry dot com slash story on that page. You'll Tell your story, uh, following the forms, just a short version of your story.
And then we'll turn that into an anonymous blog article. Again, you can share your story now at restored ministry. com slash story, or just click on the link in the show notes. If you come from a divorced or broken family, or maybe you know someone who does, we offer more resources than just this podcast.
Those resources include a book, free video courses, speaking engagements, a free assessment, online community, and so much more. All of our resources are designed to help you heal [00:58:00] from the trauma you've endured and build virtue, too. So you can break that cycle and build a better life. And so if you want to view those resources for yourself or someone, you know, you can go to restored ministry.
com slash resources, or just click on the link in the show notes. That wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling because of their parents, divorce or broken family, feel free to share this podcast with them honestly. Feel free to take 30 seconds now to just text them and just say, Hey, I heard this episode thought of you, thought it might be helpful.
I promise you as someone who comes from a broken family, if someone would have done that to me, it would have been super, super helpful. In closing, always remember you're not alone. We're to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life. And keep in mind the words of C.
S. Lewis, who said, you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. [00:59:00]
