I Felt Like We Were Living a Lie
5 minute read.
This story was written by Anonymous at 26 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 8. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
HER STORY
It's hard to know where to begin. My parents got married despite warnings from their parents and grandparents. I was born out of wedlock when they were both 19, as was my brother, who was born just after my parent's wedding. I think I grew up believing they got married because that's what you do when you have a baby accidentally. I couldn't think of any other reason, given that their families hated each other and never had a moment of peace between them. When I was six years old, we moved to another city so that they could attend a state school. I was already doubtful of their love for each other. Their constant arguing fed this doubt. I can count only one single instance of witnessing my parents being affectionate toward each other. Looking back, I felt like we were living a lie. I never felt settled in our home together.
Eventually, the stress of raising two kids and succeeding in college proved difficult for them. My 11-month-old brother went to live with my grandma to relieve them of some stress. After this, our family slowly ebbed away. When I was around 7, I begged my parents to let me live with my grandma as well. I missed my brother terribly, and I thought our life in Tallahassee was dreadfully boring. My grandma is also divorced. She became pregnant with my dad at 18 and was abandoned by my bio grandfather. She later married and had three more children. The details of her marriage are spotty for me, but she suffered many mental health issues in addition to the infidelity of my late step-grandfather. While living with my grandma, I learned of my parents' separation. I don't remember the moment I found out that well, but I don't think I was shocked. Due to a lack of financial resources and communication, they did not make their divorce official until 2022. Being raised by my grandma was extremely tumultuous. We lived below the poverty line and struggled to stay in stable housing. My grandma would constantly compare me to my mother in a derogatory way and made it difficult to communicate openly with her. Over time, my mom grew frustrated and stopped calling. My dad lived in another state and sparingly called. Eventually, my dad moved in with us, but we were still estranged from my mom and her entire side of the family. It wasn't until my grandma kicked me out of her house (due to false accusations) and sent me to live with my mom that I was reunited with her.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
It was not until very recently that I realized that my parent's divorce affected me. I think the circumstances surrounding it were so chaotic that I never saw it as the most impactful thing. When it happened, I was saddened but told myself it was the right thing for them to do. I never witnessed their love and felt so far removed from the dynamics of their marriage (besides their bickering) that I did not think I had much to grieve. I will say I grieved the togetherness of my immediate family. My grandma also painted such a poor image of my mom in my mind, that I thought being sad about the divorce would be akin to feeling sad that my dad was no longer "trapped" in a bad marriage, which felt like a betrayal. Today, I am grieved by my parents' divorce, as I see it as the catalyst to the various other traumas I experienced.
HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER
I have significant trouble setting boundaries regarding things that I feel will make the other person sad or angry. I am generally a hard shell to crack and keep my cards close, even amongst close friends. Marriage feels impossible and unattainable. I have no idea what it's like to belong to a healthy family dynamic. I have significant relationship anxiety and have gone about relationships in unhealthy ways to gain affection. For most of my life, I have felt unloveable and lonely, even when many people have shown me great love and granted me companionship. I have a hard time believing in love. My relationship with God has sometimes felt very transactional and rigid because I doubt His goodwill toward me, especially when I fail. I am also mostly estranged from my dad's side of the family and my younger brother. Being estranged from my brother causes me the most anguish. By the grace of God, I believe my experiences give me a higher tolerance for pain, and I am always learning more about suffering well, especially after my conversion to Catholicism.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
Be honest with your feelings with at least one person. There is no right or wrong way to feel. You don't need to justify the divorce because you feel bad for your parents. It is an injustice to you. But also know that they are human and may be unaware of the gravity of their actions. Ultimately, know that you belong to a family in Jesus Christ that can never be dissolved. Cast your cares upon Him often and as frequently as they arise because He cares for you!!
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