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#094: Are You Trying to Outrun Your Trauma?
How have you dealt with the trauma of your parents’ divorce or broken family?
How have you dealt with the trauma of your parents’ divorce or broken family?
After enduring her parents’ divorce, her mom’s alcoholism, her dad’s absence, and her stepmom’s abuse, today’s guest tried to outrun her trauma through busyness, accomplishments, and perfectionism.
Before long, she went from repressing her emotions and saying “I’m fine” to “I need help.” That began her healing, which we discuss, plus:
How she doubted her ability to be a good wife and mother
How she grew up faster than her peers from intact families, making it difficult to relate to them
When are anxiety or depression drugs necessary and when are they used inappropriately?
Take the My Broken Family Assessment
Links & Resources
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Her email: alana1201@gmail.com
How to heal from trauma and break the cycle of shame | Dr. Peter Attia
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
If you've experienced the trauma of your parents', divorce or your family falling apart. I have a question for you. How have you dealt with it? How have you dealt with it? In other words, what have you done in response to the trauma itself and the pain and the problems it's brought into your life. My guest today endured her parents' divorce, her mom's alcoholism, her dad's absence and even her stepmom's abuse. So what was her response? She tried to outrun her trauma through busines, through accomplishments and perfectionism and it worked for a while, but eventually it caught up with her. Now, thankfully, she went from repressing her emotions and saying, I'm fine to saying I need help. She then began to seek healing which we dive into. In this episode. We also discussed how she feared and doubted her ability to be a good wife and mother because she never saw that growing up how she felt like she grew up faster than her peers from intact families making it difficult to relate to them. We discuss situations where anxiety or depression, drugs are necessary in situations where they're used inappropriately. We talk about how authentic love is healing and why she's even grateful for all the challenges she's endured. And she even has a really beautiful message to her parents. Keep listening. Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents', divorce, separation or broken marriage so you can feel whole again and break the cycle. I'm your host, Joey Panelli. This is episode 94. If you found this podcast helpful in navigating the pain and the problems from your parents divorce and even finding healing. I'm thrilled to announce that we have a new resource that's going to help you even more. We'll be releasing two video courses. The first is all about trauma. It's titled Broken to Whole Tactics to Heal from your parents', divorce or broken marriage. And it answers what is trauma, how does trauma in general but also the trauma of your parents', divorce or dysfunctional family affect you again to the science, even the neurobiology of it. It's fascinating stuff. What can you do to heal from it? So you can avoid repeating that cycle in your own life. And so much more of the course is actually taught by a trauma therapist with over 15 years of experience helping people to heal from trauma. And the second course is all about how to confidently help someone from a divorce or broken family. It answers questions like what struggles do Children of divorce and dysfunction face. What should you say? Not say do and not do in order to help them, how do you start those difficult conversations? What if they seem fine? And there's some special tips for parents and so much more. And that course is actually taught by me. The content is based on a lot of research but also restored article that ranks top three on Google when someone searches a term, like how do I help a friend who's going through their parents divorce and that receives over 3000 views each month. So more details coming soon, especially that title of the second course and the official launch date. So stay tuned for that. And if you'd like to join the waitlist to get notified first and be given a special advanced access, just go to restored ministry dot com slash courses, again, restored ministry ministry, singular dot com slash courses or just click the link in the show notes. And by doing that, you also get a bonus on building healthy relationships and a strong marriage as a child of divorce who also experienced a traumatic stepparent situation. Alana spent much of her young adult life striving for perfection and success in all areas of life throughout her healing process. She earned a degree in secondary education from Penn State University and married the love of her life, Nick during their junior year of college, they currently live near Pittsburgh Pier where Alana works as a youth minister and outreach coordinator at her parish Alan and Nick are expecting their first baby soon and cannot be more excited to be parents. Now, a quick disclaimer, Alana is a Catholic Christian. So we talk a little about God and faith if you don't believe in God, this episode is still for you. I'm so glad that you're here. I know you're gonna relate a lot with Alana's story. Even if you were to skip or take out the God part, you're still going to benefit from this episode. So my challenge to you is just listen with an open mind. Also, Alana and I are obviously not doctors or psychologists or psychiatrists. So our discussion about taking drugs for anxiety and depression is not meant in any way to tell you what to do for your specific situation. So with that, let's dive in Alana. Welcome to the show. Thanks so much for doing this. Hi. Thank you so much for having me. I'm happy to be here. I read your story on our blog and we'll make sure to link to that in the show notes. So if you could check that out as well, and I knew that, you know, we need to have you on the show. So it's great to have you. And so diving right in uh how old were you when your parents separated and divorced? So I was about either five or six uh at some point during kindergarten. And then I just remember things in my life kind of changing quickly after that. But honestly, when it comes to like the divorce itself, I don't really remember much. I remember being pulled into like my guidance counselor's office and then reading me this like divorcing Dinosaurs book and I'm like, what the heck is this? And then little did I know? Yeah. Ok. I've never, I've never heard of the divorced dinosaur book. Uh Do you have any memory of what? That's like, I'm curious. So my the guidance counselor's office was like, totally groovy like lava lamps everywhere, like beans tapestries. So I just remember being mesmerized by that and then being sit down with this like divorcing dinosaurs book and the kids' parents I think are going through a divorce and it's like a children's book that, you know, is used to help convey the idea of divorce to kids. Honestly, I just remember being distracted by the lava lamp but then afterwards I was like, oh, why was I pulled out of class individually? Like for that and just kind of being like confused, like why was this book being read to me? Yeah. No, it's, it's a sad scene for sure. And I think a lot of times, you know, the people who put resources like that together have good intentions, but it can totally miss the mark. You know, in a way what I've seen with a lot of those resources, they like try to normalize this divorce and try to make it seem like it's this, oh, it's just like a different phase of your family. It's like, no, actually your family is like, breaking apart and, and in some ways it's like dying and so trying to make a child, like, understand it. Like you'd make them understand how food grows or how, you know, where your grandma and grandpa live. Like things like that. It, it's not, not that easy. Yeah, I feel like that was definitely a big intention of like the authors of the book. And yeah, definitely looking back on that and reflecting on it, I remember being little and having like therapists or counselors say, you know, this is OK, this isn't your fault. And I'm like, OK, I get that but like why is it happening and why does it hurt so much? Just like you said, I feel like especially in today's culture, divorce or just like relationship issues in general are very normalized when really, when you look at it, it's like that's not how life and how relationships were meant to be. Yeah, so true. And I, I love the way you said that I might be adding a few words here. But it's like if it isn't a big deal, why does it hurt so much? Mhm And so as much as you're comfortable sharing, yeah. Take us deeper into that. Like what happens um in your family? Yeah. So at some point, I want to say either during kindergarten or the summer after, um, we spent, yeah, I think that summer after kindergarten, my mom and my younger brother and I, his name is Brendan. He's three years younger than me. We lived in our family friends like Den. Um, and then shortly after that, we got our own townhouse a few minutes away from, uh, where we had all lived previously. And then at that point I think we would, like, see our dad, like two nights a week and then every other weekend. And that was kind of the case for like most of my childhood up through, like high school things were like, ok, after they had split prior to them splitting, all I really remember was just arguing a lot about, I don't even know what I have one vivid memory of. I can't remember which parent but one of them, like, grabbed me, ran to the bathroom, locked the door while the other one's like pounding on the door. So kind of scary. Yeah, throughout childhood, uh, they just kind of stayed separated and I do kind of have to pat my parents on the back here a little bit in terms of after the divorce, the way the two of them interacted with each other for the most part when we were around was very respectable. Um, like they were civil with each other and I feel like they did for the most part prioritize my and like my brother's needs, which was great. Um I, yeah, I feel like a lot of that started to change though when my dad remarried. So he started dating this other lady, uh when I was in fifth or sixth grade. Um, and then they married when I was in seventh grade and at first my stepmom, you know, she was like fun taking me on shopping trips, getting my nails done and then turns out that was kind of a big cover for her being abusive. So she uh she has her own slew of traumas from her own parents and mental disorders and a very stressful job. And with her not taking care of that, she kind of like projected all of that onto my dad and me and my brother, she would like, prevent him from him coming to see us when we'd go to their house on the weekend. She would like, always have my dad be doing chores that like didn't really need to be done just to avoid him spending time with us. Even when I was like an older teenager, she wouldn't let me use anything in the kitchen. Like wasn't allowed to cook, wasn't allowed to like, really eat anything other than cereal. And just that like the entire period of time that she was in my life, I felt like I was walking on eggshells and like in my own feeble little teenage voice, I'm trying to voice this to my dad because I'm one trying to like, convince myself that, oh, this is normal. She's just a bit of an odd duck and she has been through a lot and try to like, convince myself that what she's doing is ok when it was not. So I feel like with that, I kind of internalized a lot of confusion, frustration, hurt pain because I mean, at the end of the day, it's like my dad's being taken away from me and with that around that time as well, my mom's dad had passed away and my mom had always kind of had issues with drinking. But I feel like that her dad's death really exacerbated that and she's been struggling with alcoholism. I mean, pretty much ever since the divorce. But especially since then. So with that as a young teenager in like middle school, I remember distinctly remembering and I went to like Catholic school my whole life and I really think it's because of that that now I can say like my faith is one of the biggest like, influences and most important things in my life. But I remember just having this like uns shaking belief that this is for a purpose and that all these things that I'm going through. Like there's a reason for it. Like it's either making me stronger or it's gonna help me with something in the future. I didn't know what, but I really think it was by the grace of God that he gave me that confidence despite, you know, being in such a hard time. So that kind of continued all throughout high school, all that stuff with my stepmom. And then my mom started dating someone else. I think my freshman or sophomore year of high school. Um, and he's nice gentleman. He's very fine, but still throughout high school I was very involved academically. Um, I was the captain of, like, the academic bowl and STEM team and on a travel field hockey team and like peer ministry. And I was the girl that like, did all the things that a lot. Yeah. But looking back on that, like since now that I'm almost finishing college, I realized that, oh, I kind of used all of those things to hide anything. I was feeling like, oh, if I'm busy, then I don't have to like, interact with my family or I don't have to like, dwell on these emotions because I'm just go, go, go all the time and then I don't have time to like, sit with my feelings. And I feel like honestly, my whole childhood up until I came to college, my emotions were just completely repressed and I feel like I let my identity be what I did. I think also. So my brother, when he was younger, he had a lot more needs and because he was two, when they got divorced, he needed a lot more attention emotionally and stuff. So I feel like just overall I was very independent, kind of left to my own devices and that just kind of went through my entire childhood and young adulthood. Yeah, that's it in a nutshell, I guess. Yeah, I know there's so much there and thanks for just your openness. And before we dive into, I have a few comments. But before we dive into further things too, I just want to say how impressed I am by you. Like I know a little bit about you and everyone will learn more about you in this interview. But it's beautiful to see given what you've described of what you've been through, of what your parents have struggled with and the ways in which you were, you know, just traumatized by the separation and the divorce and how, you know, you suffered through the abuse and just the other things that you dealt with in addition to all of that, then you are where you are today. That's impressive. And so I just want you to just to know that and I think that's so hopeful too for other people who may be young people who are in the midst of it right now. And they think like, I feel like I can never get through this or never move on in life. And uh it's beautiful to see that, that you're doing that. So, uh so well done. Well, thank you. I appreciate it. Of course, what you said about kind of busyness that relates to me a lot. Maybe that's just my personality type but I, you know, try to pack my schedule and just like, I love, yeah, just being productive and doing all that. And, like, you know, in high school too and even college for me it was like, sports and trying to accomplish different things and do well there and, and I, like you said, I think there's something, you know, good about it but of course, um, it can be a coping mechanism and it certainly was for me kind of just hiding from my pain and not wanting to face it. And I've heard people use the analogy when it comes to like repressed emotions. Like you mentioned that all that grief that we kind of are like running from. It's almost like a swimmer in the water with like imagine a woman swimming in water with really long hair and it's almost like that hair is like dragging behind her for this analogy. And, um, it won't that, that like long yucky, like dark hair won't catch up with her unless she stops. So she keeps swimming in a way she'll feel safe. But when she stops, it's like, oh, watch out. And so, um, I'm so glad that you've like, you know, dug into that too because people can go years and years and years much longer than, you know, much older than you. And I are even right now. Um, and never really address this stuff and it's just, that really breaks my heart. So it's, um, it's awesome to see that. You know, you've, you've begun that work and even made progress. But I remember my daughter Lucy right now, she like, is going through this phase where she loves watching The Sound of Music. So she's like, all about it. And to those of you who don't know that movie, it's like a movie from, I think it came out in the sixties. And um it's a musical and it's, uh you know, it's a little older now, but it was, it was a great movie, but she just loves the music and everything. And um, so we watched it like a million times recently and uh one of the lines in the movie is um activity suggests a life filled with purpose and I think that's so true. I think that's a lot of times how I felt is almost like this thing where if I'm really busy then I, I feel important. I feel significant. I feel like um people will respect me. And so that's another component to that busines as well. So I can relate a lot on that front. But um man, you went through, through so much and um I uh yeah, again, appreciate you being so vulnerable. So, so open to that before I hop on hop further. Anything else you want to say about what happened? Well, I guess just to comment on some things you mentioned one sound of music would recommend Love that. And two. Yeah, I think the analogy of the woman swimming in the water is very accurate. I've never really heard of that before, but at least for me, like, you know, living in, you know, my parents' houses up until I was 18 and then I went off to college and it wasn't until I kind of had that quote unquote stop in college where I had, I think the first opportunity in my life to really be introspective and think about, you know, my upbringing because this was like the first time I'm actually living on my own. And it really took that for me to realize that oh, I had been through really difficult things and that was kind of the catalyst for me to start like getting help and actually starting my healing process. Beautiful. No, that makes so much sense. And I think it's a good lesson to everyone listening, especially who is um behind you on the path, who hasn't gotten to that point yet if they're still, you know, swimming, if they're still running, kind of escaping those things. Um, at a point, it can get really difficult. I remember in college for me too, even high school. But college for me as well where like I just, I, I was like, experience a lot of messy emotions is like the best way I could put it into words at the time. It was like I just felt super broken. I couldn't even tell you like why or what was going on. I knew it was related to just a lot of, you know what I had gone through in my family, all that trauma. Um But I didn't fully understand it. So, um I think if you know that's coming, I think it is really helpful and then you can kind of not be surprised when that those struggles happen and then you can know, ok, I'm gonna need some help with this. And I'm not aware are strange for experiencing this. Given the difficult things I've been through, given the trauma, it's kind of to be expected. It's like if you break your ankle, you know, and then you heal it and go through therapy and then you start running again. It's like if you try to run a marathon, you might, you know, feel some pain. That's, that's normal. Yeah. No, I definitely agree with all of that. And I think at least for me, it came with like two sides of the same coin. Like one, a lot of freedom, a lot of freedom to finally, like, be myself and live and just have like a routine that I wanted where I wasn't constrained by, you know, all the happenings between going from one house to another factory and like all these other family things. Um, but two, I think with that freedom came a lot of reflection on, oh, why is it that I finally feel so happy being by myself. And I think a lot of hard emotions with that. And I think with that transition to college, like, one of, one of the first things that I did when arriving um was get involved with my campuses, Newman Center. And I feel like, honestly, that was where I really started to find like the friends and the people who one brought me closer to Christ. But two actually, like, sat with me with my feelings that like, I didn't even know I had and it's those friends that more than anything probably. And my now husband that we, we met at the Newman Center. But um it's those people who really have changed my life and helped me the most through this whole healing process so good. I'm excited to dig into that more as well. Was there anything else you wanted to add about kind of how your parents divorce, how their broken marriage um, affected you? I think like, one of the biggest things I guess was this fear that I had that I want to know how to be a good wife or a good mom one day. Quite honestly, I think that was like the biggest thing I was afraid of from probably all of my teenage years, just like I'm not gonna know how to manage a household or cook dinner properly or take care of kids or have a good happy holy relationship with my spouse just because, like I had never seen it. Like I had no idea what that looked like. Not only that, but you'd look to TV, you look to many other relationships, even, like my parents friends had struggling relationships or my friend's parents had struggling relationships and my parents' friends. But it's like, it's very hard to see good examples of what that looks like. Um, and I think from like a young teenager, I'm like, how do I do this in the future? And it wasn't until I really one met my now husband and two saw his parents. Um, and the good example that they had that I kind of understood that, but no, that fear definitely kept me back from. I feel like a lot of things like I was very high, like, hid myself a lot in a lot of ways. Um, and then also in high school, I feel like it led me to seek out a lot of relationships with other boys that weren't necessarily fruitful. I had two shorter relationships in like my sophomore year of high school and then another boy and I dated for nearly two years, my junior and senior year and at the time I was like, oh my gosh, we're gonna get married like he's a good Catholic. Um And yet, like, in retrospect a lot, like both of us used each other for, um, our like, emotional needs for attention. Um, it led to like, some unchased things between us and just a lot of use. Um, I think because we were both just yearning for that, like, love and affection and like, affirmation that neither of us were getting from our parents. And yeah, once I kind of like, realized that it was a very hard pill to swallow to realize that this is how my parents' divorce was, like, actually affecting me because I think up until that point I had convinced myself like, oh no, they're fine. I'm fine. I'm a big girl. Like it doesn't affect me. And then once I really, like, let myself consider that for a second, I was like, oh, no, this actually affects me a lot more than I think it does totally. And so many of us have had that experience where like we're going through life and like, I, I think I'm good, like, I, I don't think it really affected me much and then it kind of hit you in the face, especially the trend we've seen and you've probably seen this in the podcast is relationships. Like that's usually the thing that's like, man, I feel lost. I don't know what I'm doing or I'm just like, terrified of repeating what my parents had and I certainly don't want that. And, um, I know when it came to dating for me touching on what you just said, um, I was so scared like I was, I was just freaked out. I was like, I don't know how to go about this. I am just afraid the person is like going to abandon me because I, you know, didn't want to repeat what I saw in my parents' marriage and my own marriage. But also I didn't want to repeat that feeling, that experience of abandonment and rejection that I experienced when my parents separated. And so all of that just felt so scary and so risky that it was like, it's better maybe just play it safe and just not go down this route and kind of give up on love and relationships. And, um, what happens in that case, like you said, so well, and I experienced this too is if we give up on love and relationships, we just settle for the counterfeit usually. Mhm. Mhm. Yeah. No, I definitely agree with that. Yeah. And, and, and that never satisfies. So then we have to go deeper into that and look for more and more and more. So, I'm, I'm right there with you. You mentioned your husband's parents. I want to stay there for a second. Uh What have you learned from them? I'm just curious because there's a lot of people who find themselves in that same spot that you and I were in where it's like, yeah, I'm scared. I don't know how to do this. Um, but then again, one of the trends we've seen is when you have those good marriages in your life. That can be a beautiful example and give you hope. Um, it goes really far. So I'm curious in particular for you from your parent, um, husband's parents or from other couples you knew? Like, what did you learn? Yeah. So, I guess a little bit of context about my husband before jumping into his parents, but we met my freshman year of college and then got married. When was it in the middle of our junior year? And we're just finishing up or yeah, about to graduate after about a year and a half of marriage and with all that. So, especially during the COVID pandemic. Uh, since all of our classes were online, uh, we would kind of every couple weeks move back and forth between staying with his parents and staying with mine and his parents. Uh, his whole family is like very devout Catholic. Uh, he has two older sisters and a younger brother and his parents are genuinely like the most loving, caring, selfless people that I know. Um, they have been married, I wanna say 38 years this year. And you can just tell them like the way they treat each other, the way they treat their kids and their grandkids, they truly, truly respect each other and want what's best for the other person after I had gotten to know them for or a little bit. I had learned that there was a point where they actually almost got a divorce themselves and there were some really rough financial things going on and they, they actually did plan to divorce once all their kids were 18 and out of the house, which I mean, I thought was impressive that they would still stay together despite practically hating each other just for the sake of their Children. Like I'm, I'm getting choked up thinking about that, but just the sacrifices that they were willing to make for the sake of their kids blows my mind. And yet with that, like they say, constantly, you know, their relationship is so much stronger now that they have been through that than, you know, than it ever was before going through such a challenge. And I think it's, it's just really, really admirable. Wow, that is super impressive. And I'd be so curious to learn from them too. Maybe we'll have to get them on the podcast. But yeah, I, and the more I learn about marriage and hear from couples who are like way smarter than, you know, me and the more I realize like those sorts of struggles and kind of getting to that point where you want to quit are pretty normal in a marriage. Some people are scandalized by that because they think marriage is going to be like this fairy tale. But, um I think it, again, it's helpful if you can kind of expect like, yeah, at some point, things are going to get harder than they are. Now and I might want to quit. I might want to walk away and I think that's really where, that's really where it takes a lot of like virtue, a lot of strength and God's grace to, to keep going and what they experience too. Um, I don't have the research in front of me, but there's a lot of research that says if you, if you push through those hard times, if you make those sacrifices, of course, with the exception that there's not like abuse or things like, you know, you might get killed by your thoughts or whatever like that, then you need to get to safety, of course. But if you can push through those difficult times, those annoyances, those frustrations, those, you know, even like you said, hitting each other, perhaps, um the majority of the time your marriage will actually improve like they saw and, and that's like really hopeful and beautiful. So a lot of people don't hear that. And again, I don't have the research performing sorry guys. But I think it's really important to hear because those struggles, they're inevitable. Yeah, definitely. And even just anecdotally, like my mother-in-law has said, she like so many of her sisters and in-laws and her friends and their marriages have had very severe struggles. Um And yet with all of them, the ones that have stuck together through that they're so much happier, so much stronger, so much more devoted to each other after going through that when Nick and I were doing our marriage prep and like pre K stuff. Our sponsor couple detailed some of the struggle that they went through and I, we both look at them as like just this wonderful epitome of a good Catholic couple and Catholic family and to know that they chose to get through those struggles together and to choose each other over and over again and to choose their kids over their own, like, feelings is very admirable to see. And I think for a while it was hurtful, like, having known that, that in marriage and in relationships, it is a choice that we can make to stick it out through those hard times. Um, I feel like coming to that realization led to some resentment with my own parents for, for a bit, just like, why, why couldn't they choose to seek help? Why couldn't they, um, choose to consider me and my brother a little bit more? Um, and how their decisions might affect us. I've since, like, worked past that. But I think recognizing the power of choice and the ability to persevere is very, very impressive. Yeah. No, I agree. And we, we champion that in other areas of life a ton. Right. You know, it's like in school or career or sports or, you know, staying fit, whatever we don't tell people, oh, just quit and go try something else. It's like, no, we, we tell them, like, push through like, persevere, be strong, like all that stuff and we need more of that within our, within marriage, just for sure. So, I, I definitely agree with what you're saying. Yeah. Was there anything else? I guess you've learned, you learned from them in particular that was kind of transformative for you, like, aside from just their whole story overall. Yeah, I guess speaking of my father-in-law in particular, so the issue that they had led him to have to leave his job and kind of leave his whole entire field that he had worked in for years. And as a result, he picked up his sister's dog walking business. Mind you, he hates dogs. Um, but it, it was the job that he could get at the time. And since then, I mean, he continues every single day of the year, like holidays, weekends, kids', birthdays, everything he goes out there and he walks these dogs and as much as he hates it, he does it every single day without any complaining whatsoever because he knows he's providing for his family and those that he loves. I mean, you'll get the old, old like, oh, out to go, like pick up some more dog poop again and like humorous things, but never once wants a genuine complaint. And I feel like that that is just such a gift that he provides to his family. And I, I really admire him for that. And I know my husband does and all of his kids do as well. So it's very impressive. No, that's so impressive. And I, I think that what you're getting at, like this ability to sacrifice, which we can boil it down to like self mastery. Right. That's the core ingredient to a beautiful marriage. That's it. Like, like, obviously there's other things too. But I think at its core and, or the foundation we can say is like, if you have that basic virtue, if you have that self mastery, that ability to like, deny yourself to do what's best for the people that you love. You're going to get way further than doing what the culture really suggests, which is like, we'll go with your feelings or do whatever you want. Um That's just going to be a recipe for disaster. Yeah, definitely. And like throwing it back to my high school theology class to love is to will the good of the other. And that's not to just want to do what's best for the other people, but it's to make those sacrifices when it's hard and to actually get out there and do the things that are better for the other person, even if it's not what you want. And yeah, just like you said, I feel like that is when it really comes down to it, that is what makes or breaks a relationship so good. Staying on the theme of relationships you already mentioned, you know, your relationship and in high school and some other things. Was there anything else you would add in terms of how your parents divorce all the dysfunction at home, impacted your ability to relate with other people, especially in your dating relationships and now your marriage. Yeah. Well, I'd say kind of detailed all the dating relationship stuff, but socially, just as an elementary, middle, high school student, I felt it difficult to just relate to my peers in general. I felt that I grew up a lot more quickly than the other kids around me. And because of that, I couldn't quite relate to them and like that they could relate to each other. I also just went to a very small school and middle school girls can get very clicky. So I feel like already that like lack of connection combined with all that just made socialization a bit difficult up until high school when things got a bit better. But yeah, it took a lot of like kind of introspection to kind of like reflect and realize that. And then once I did things started to make a lot more sense when it comes to my current relationship. Now with my husband, honestly, I gotta say that was one of the biggest things that helped me, one realize how affected I was by my parents' divorce and two helped me start my like healing process. We started dating honestly, just a couple weeks into my freshman year of college. Um So as I was going through this big life change, um and all these other, just like subconscious emotional changes, um I also started to have panic attacks out of nowhere right around this time. And it was really nick, who one helped me through that. Like during my first panic attack, my first instinct was to call him and we weren't even dating yet, but my first instinct was to call him and he ran half a mile across campus to come get me. So if that's not dedication, I don't know what it is. But, but he would, even if he didn't quite understand why I was feeling the things I was feeling because his home life growing up was drastically different than mine without fail. He took the time to sit with me and my emotions help me process them because I never processed them before. He helped me understand what it was. I was truly looking for in a relationship. I had kind of come to that realization just before meeting him. But he was kind of like the actualization of that. But he has just provided such a safe haven and such a good rock for me as I've been going through this journey the past like four years now and I'm still going through it. But just without fail, he never fails to show up and help me with whatever it is I'm going through and he's patient and he's kind and he's loving in just so many different ways. And one, I don't think I'd be the person I am without my parents' divorce. But two, I don't think I'd be the person I am without him as well. Beautiful. Wow. Sounds like an incredible man. And thanks for sharing all that. Yeah, I think it's again so hopeful too, especially to people who maybe checked out and given up on love and relationships all together because it is rough in the dating world. Like I'm glad I'm not dating today. I'm sorry to all of you out there who are like, it's rough out there. But knowing that there's good men like your, your husband is super hopeful. And I love the point like underneath the point that you're making, it's just like this idea that like love can be healing, incredibly healing. And, and I found that too, whether it was in my friendships or, you know, my dating relationship, even like I was able to date really great girls, like incredibly like virtuous, beautiful women and uh and my wife included. And uh it can be incredibly healing. And I think when we look at our Brokenness, our wounds, the trauma we've endured. I learned this from Dr Bob Sheets, like at the root of almost every wound is a deprivation of love or a distortion of love. And so naturally, it follows that he, you know, to heal those wounds, we need authentic love. And so that's what you're experiencing, which is really, really beautiful. And, you know, you can experience that again in your friendships and your relationship with God, perhaps even in your relationship with your parents if, if those relationships are healed in time. Um And, but yeah, in, in a marriage for sure. So it's really, really beautiful to, to see that, that, that love can be healing, that love can be. Um it can, it can transform you and not, not in the sense that you know, your husband's your savior, but in the sense that he can, you know, see the Brokenness, see the wound, see the messiness, see the imperfections that you have and love you in spite of them. And perhaps even because of them, those moments in my life are like where people have been like seeing how broken I am and they still love me that, that in itself was just like healing. Yeah. No, I totally agree with all that Joey. And I think especially as like a young woman in today's society, it can be just in general, hard to think that there are good quality men out there who actually want to take care of you and love you for who you are. Um and not just for what you are and taking the time to really seek out just high quality people for friends in general, but especially in a dating partner or a spouse, it's definitely worth the wait can agree more when it comes to healing and, you know, kind of navigating the pain and the problems that you dealt with in healthy ways. You mentioned some of the unhealthy ways. Um What were a few things that again really helped you heal and really helped you cope or navigate those things in addition to what you already mentioned? Yeah, ironically, the COVID pandemic I think was really helpful with um all the time, you know, spending time by myself. Um and especially with Nick and his family. I think that was a very good opportunity that came out of such a dark time that for everyone. But I think also seeking out therapy and good therapy has been extremely helpful. So shortly after we got married, so I, I had been struggling with my mental health um with anxiety and depression for, I mean, I wanna say years, but I didn't like throughout my childhood, but I don't think I realized that it affected me that much until right around when COVID hit. So about a year ago was when I started seeing a therapist mostly for just like my mental health because that's what I thought it was. I was like, oh, I'm just anxious from, you know, not seeing a lot of people because of COVID and I'm depressed because I can't get out and I'm a huge extrovert and I was like, it got to the point that I'm doing like, I'm exercising, sleeping, right, doing all the things that should help alleviate that. And the fact that I was still feeling these awful things told me that, hey, I should probably seek some help. So I did originally just for mental health in general. And then with that therapy, we kind of realized that no, a lot of this actually ties back to my parents' divorce and what I went through and how that made me feel how much of a perfectionist made me become, how much it made me repress my emotions, how much it made me like, put my self worth and like the things I did because that's when I would get attention from my parents if I like, got a trophy or whatever. And all of like the behaviors that my parents had when I was living with them really manifested themselves in how I viewed myself. And thanks to a good therapist that I've seen. And then also another incredible Catholic therapist that my mom and now my mom and I are currently seeing now. I feel like both of that, both of them have helped me just heal and or at least have the ability to heal with myself. I think at least for me, I'm like, being so introspective, just simply taking the time to think about things has been very helpful for me. But you can only really do that effectively if you know what to look for. And it was these wonderful therapists that I had that I think actually helped me with that and I, I feel like I got lucky with just like getting two great therapists right off the bat. But I remember in high school I also wanted to seek out a therapist and I tried three different ones and we just didn't click at all. Um, so if anyone is considering therapy, I definitely consider you to keep looking until you do find someone that you connect with. Um, and especially if you're a practicing Catholic, seeking out Catholic therapists. I think there's a website called like my catholic therapist dot com. And I, I definitely recommend that and I feel like that other than Nick is the biggest reason that I've moved through all of my emotions and everything as well as I have beautiful and I think your story of kind of experiencing symptoms and just like knowing the symptoms where it's like, well, I'm sad a lot. I'm depressed. I'm anxious a lot. I'm having these panic attacks, especially when you get to that point. Um, I think that's usually where people realize like, I need some help. And thankfully you sought it out a lot of times people don't and they just kind of like, find other ways to deal with it. A lot of times they're unhealthy ways, whether it's drinking or, you know, partying or sleeping around or binging on so many different things. So, no, that, that's beautiful that you sort it out. And then I'm glad that you had, you know, a therapist who was competent enough to see like these are symptoms of some root cause they're not, you know, the root cause in and of itself. Because what I've seen a lot and this is like one critique I have of the psych world and I know a lot of people have this critique too is that so often we just manage symptoms, we don't get to the root. And so that's where especially in the world of psychiatry, I've heard psychiatrists come out and say like our profession is failing people in a lot of ways because we just manage symptoms. And then we, they, especially in psychiatry, they do it with pills, you know, with medicine and I'm not, I'm not against medicine. I think there's a place for it, but it needs to be more in depth and it needs to be used more carefully than just like, oh, you're sad. Here's a pill that will make you not feel sad. It's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, why are they so sad? Like what's at the root of that? Is there some sort of trauma, is there, you know, something else going on in their life? And so um so that's beautiful that you had someone who was able to point to that and it sounds like that's been effective like it's been helping you as well. Is that still as much of a struggle now? Or have you been able to, um, kind of find some relief from the, even those symptoms as well. Yeah, I'd say I started seeking therapy a little over a year ago and then soon after that, um, started taking an anti anxiety medication because at least physiologically for me, I'm taking care of my body doing all the like physical things that I need to and yet I'm still like unable to breathe, unable to sleep properly. So, for me, having a medicine was extremely, extremely helpful for me. But I think one of the great things was that both my therapist and my um psychiatrist suggested that I start taking medicine under the assumption that this is temporary just to get you back to a baseline, um where, you know, you're not shaking like a dog every 10 seconds. Um So it's like a gateway to get me to the point where I am able to take care of myself. And that's what it has been like. I, I'm no longer taking the medication and I'm no longer seeing that original therapist that helped me get on that medication. But what they did both with therapy and with medication was give me the tools and get me stable enough so that I could help myself in other ways and let other people in my life help me in other ways. Um But no, I definitely, I definitely agree. And I think in today's society one, it's almost like cool to need antidepressants or something I student teach middle schoolers right now. And they're constantly talking about how, oh, yes. I'm like going to therapy and I'm, I'm very glad that they're like getting help that they need. But at the same time I feel like today's culture glamorizes that when in reality, like you said, medication should not be the end all, be all. Like you can't treat the symptoms, you need to treat the root cause. And I'm very thankful that I've had people in my life to help me with that. Totally. Yeah. No, thanks for sharing that. And I'm so glad that, you know, your therapist and everyone treating you like they took a comprehensive approach. And that's what I was trying to get at when I'm talking about medicine. I don't want anyone to think that I'm like against, you know, like in your case, taking the medicine you needed to take like that, it can be such a good thing and so helpful. I know people right now who, you know, without the medication that they are on it would, they would really, really struggle. And so there's a point to it and I love the temporary piece. I think that's always ideal if you, if that could be the case where it's like we're using this as a tool to get me to a better place where I don't need it anymore. I'm really glad medication exists. Like I've gotten a few surgeries in my life. Nothing major, but I'm really glad they're, you know, that I had medicine to, like, manage the pain. It would have been really miserable if I didn't have that medicine. And, you know, again, when people are in like really rough spots, it can be something that can be very effective. No, no argument there. Um, but yeah, I agree with you too. It's sad to see it as like kind of this blanket approach. And we'll, we'll link to this um interview Dr Peter Attia is a popular doctor who has a podcast and he talks a little bit about this, but he brought on this um uh from what I can tell, like a renowned psychiatrist who practices in New York City. And uh it was really from him that I learned more about his critiques of his own field of psychiatry and how he was saying, you know, that again, he wasn't like saying that the medication is bad in and of itself. But the way that it's often being used is like kind of lazy. It's like, oh, we're just gonna use it as a blanket to cover this problem. We're not actually getting to the root cause. But if it's used as a component as a plan as a part of a, you know, a more comprehensive approach to, to treat someone and help them to, to feel whole again, then uh Yeah, that's great. But the other way can often, what I've seen is actually it leads someone deeper down a hole because it's not, you know, solving what's underneath the surface. So, I'm so glad that, um, you have those competent people in your life who are helping you. And it makes, makes total sense to me. Yeah, totally though. You know, you, I'm sure your work in progress. Um, how have you've seen yourself grow and change and transform over the years from, you know, where you were to where you are today? I laugh because I feel like my 14, 15 year old self would not have or could not have imagined my life being what it is right now. And yet I feel like it's, it's taken the most beautiful and wonderful twists and turns away from what younger me thought. So while in high school, um you know, as I said, I was like the go getter, the like captain of everything, doing all the things. And when I came into college, uh I was originally going to major in biochemistry and I wanted to like go to grad school, get my phd do cancer research, like get a Nobel Prize one day like that. I mean, bit ambitious, but that's what I thought I wanted to do. And it wasn't until I really started this like healing process and all that where I really reflected on. Oh, what does God actually want me to do with my life? Because I thought for the longest time, oh, he's given me you know, this intellect I should use it. But once I kind of like, let him in and try to listen more to what he wanted me to do. He had led me to study secondary education in sciences. So in a few weeks I'll be graduating to be a middle and high school science teacher, which is very exciting. Congratulations. Thank you. So I feel like with that, that was a huge gift from God to one. Still let me like follow my passion for science and my love of that. But also to be in a spot where I can be a mentor to these younger kids, uh especially when they were the age and perhaps going through the things that I went through and to use more of my like empathetic side that I didn't know I had in a career is wonderful. I mean, in addition to that getting married at 21 in college is not necessarily common these days, but oh my gosh, my marriage has been the best thing that has happened in my life. And again, definitely would not have expected that a few years ago. But now being married to Nick almost a year and a half now has been wonderful and we have our first little one on the way. Uh We're expecting this fall so very, very excited for that. And I think, I think just the biggest thing in general is how my desires have shifted. Um since since this whole healing process, um like before, it used to be so outward focused again, doing all the things, getting all the recognition and now it's been so much more focused on quote unquote what really matters, um which to me is family and teaching, you know, our future Children to seek out Christ as a Catholic. After graduation, I'll be working as a youth minister and kind of like outreach coordinator at my parish, which again, not something I would have ever thought I was gonna do. And yet I feel so fulfilled doing that and so content in a way that I didn't even think was possible. Like I am so excited to work for my church to be a mom to raise a family when just like five or six years ago, I almost didn't see that as a possibility for myself. Given my circumstances growing up, I think in general also when it comes to my parents, I'm a lot closer with my dad now. So he and my stepmom, uh they've been separated for, I think two years at this point, but they're getting a divorce now. And as tragic as that is, um it's also relieving that my dad is getting away from a toxic relationship and with that freedom, he's been able to connect a lot more with me and my brother. Um So it's good to kind of have him back. Um And with my mom, we've had a lot more family difficulties with her, me and my brother as of late. But with those difficulties, we've started going to therapy. At least my mom and I have and again, as difficult and painful as that process has been, it has been pretty healing and I've seen her grow a lot deeper in her faith as well. So it's been, it's been very good to see that. And I think there's still a long way to go in terms of like my healing, the way I think about things and my interactions with my parents. But I feel like I can confidently say, you know, after these like four years of healing and like, I don't wanna say soul searching, but like um seeking out help and letting others into my life to help me with that, we're on like a permanent upward trend and things are really good and it's good to say that. Yeah, beautiful. Thanks for sharing all that. I appreciate again, your vulnerability and congrats on the baby. That's so exciting. Um Just being a dad is my, pretty much my favorite thing in the world, if not my favorite thing in the world. So I'm so excited for, for both of you. And it's amazing to see the growth that you've had in your life. And yeah, thinking back to who you were and where you could have ended up to. That's always a humbling thing for me to think of in life. It's like, man, I could have ended up in a really bad spot. Um, I'm not saying my life is perfect or that there's no struggles, but it's like, man, life could have been really sad and scary. Um, so I'm really grateful that that you, you know, have found that path and have followed it and are still on it. So, really, really beautiful before we close out. I'm just curious if your parents were listening right now. Yeah. Is there anything that you would want to say to them? Anything that you would want them to know? That is a tough question. I guess if they were listening, I'd want them to know that I'm not mad at them. I'm not upset with them. Um, like I don't hold any resentment because I know that is a very common feeling amongst, you know, adult Children whose parents were divorced and not that that is a wrong thing to feel or a bad thing to feel. But I'd love for my parents to know that I still love them. And I know that, uh despite all that I went through, despite their decisions, I still know that they did everything with the intention of loving me and loving my brother. And I think also that as kind of hard this is to say, I'm very thankful for what I've been through. As painful as it was. I would do it all over again if it meant me still being the person that I am today. I've had the opportunity to kind of like, share my experiences um with some of my friends as there is, their parents were getting divorced and they were going through messy relationships themselves and things like that. And I truly think that's just the biggest, like testimony of how God uses everything and he doesn't give us things that he doesn't have a purpose for. So for me, I found a lot of comfort in that and I'd love for my parents to know that. Wow, good stuff. Yeah. Difficult question but beautiful answer. Um If people want to contact you, what's the best way for them to do that? Yeah, I'd say by email would be great. Um My email is my name Alana A L A N A 1201 at gmail dot com. And yeah, feel free to reach out. I'd love to talk. Awesome. It's been so good having you. Um 22 final questions. One is um I know you found uh restored helpful. I'm just curious like, yeah, how is restored? Help to you? Um I'll start there and then one final question. Yeah. Um I think the biggest thing, well, one I actually found restored when looking at resources for my friend whose parents were getting a divorce and reading all of these stories and hearing from so many people who went through similar situations that I did simply knowing that I'm not alone I think is just the biggest thing, knowing that I'm not the only one with the feelings that I have um with the concerns that I have with the struggles that I have gone through. Um knowing that there are other people who can relate to me, I think is the biggest thing. And I think that was like the biggest thing that I lacked growing up. Like none of my friends could understand what I went through. No other adults. I felt truly quote unquote, got me and restored, I think because just been such a big blessing in creating that community and creating that connection uh between people when I feel like this is such an un unrecognized issue and unrecognized trauma that so many people um experience and I feel like restored has just been an incredible, incredible resource to just connect people and definitely make me feel not alone, such an honor to serve you. Thank you for um you know, making use of the resources that we have and I'm so glad they've been been helpful. Um Yeah, you're the reason we do it. We want to help you and help your family and help everyone like me who's been through this trauma that you, you, you said, well, it's like it's not treated as a trauma, it's not talked about as a trauma, but it certainly is a trauma and there's millions actually sorry, correction, tens of millions of people who've been through this and don't get the help that they need and deserve and that's wrong. And so we're, we're changing that. So thank you for um for being a part of that coming on the show and in closing, I just wanna give you the final word. What words of encouragement. What advice would you give to someone who, who feels really stuck, who feels broken in life right now because of that trauma of going through their parents, divorce or dysfunction at home. Yeah. Well, real quick, I'd love to just thank you Joey and all the work you and your team do to provide restored ministries. It really is incredible. And I guess any words of advice I've had is that you are not defined by the experiences you had because of your parents. Like we, we go through things, we grow through things and yes, we can be very impacted and shaped by the very difficult things that, you know, life throws at us. And yet even if you feel broken, like I certainly did, I felt like I'd be a failure in any future relationships. I felt like just so many things were scary and I felt like I couldn't do things because of my experiences with divorced parents and yet that doesn't go to waste. That doesn't, that doesn't hold you back. Um And at least for me as a Catholic, God doesn't give us situations that he doesn't equip us to handle. And I feel like relying on God through that and I feel like he gave me a particular grace to trust him on that has been very comforting and healing. But I'd say, regardless of, you know, your belief system or not, every challenge is an opportunity to grow and to use that knowledge for the better. And even if like, you don't understand it, now, there's certainly a way that you can transform that pain and that suffering and those hurt feelings into a way to help yourself and to help others in the future. There's so many good lessons in Alana's story, but there's one that actually hit me that we didn't discuss much and I'll share that in a second. But first, if you come from a divorce or broken family, how is your parents divorce or your broken family affecting you today? It might be trickier to answer that question than it seems. And if your answer is, I don't really know or you don't understand the depth of it, you're actually not alone. That's a very common. But in the words of one therapist, when it comes to experiencing healing, naming how you've been harmed is about 70% of the battle. Our new assessment will help you name and diagnose your Brokenness. So you can heal it at its roots, not just treat the symptoms and build the life and relationships that you desire. So if you want to become the best version of yourself, find the love, happiness and freedom, you long for and avoid repeating the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life. Then you need to heal. And the first step to healing is naming diagnosing your wounds to help you do that. You can take our free confidential and research based assessment. Just go to my broken family dot com again, my broken family dot com, answer the questions there and then you can view your results again. Go to my broken family dot com or just click on the link in the show notes again, among the many good lessons in Alana's story. This one hit me putting the work into healing and becoming healthy and whole actually uncovered her calling in life to education. Another way to say it is the barrier of her untreated Brokenness, hid her calling in life. And once she began to overcome that barrier of untreated Brokenness, untreated trauma, it was unveiled. It's a powerful lesson. So if you feel stuck and unsure about what you should do with your life, perhaps your Brokenness is blinding you and you need to begin healing so that you can discover it. If you'd like to share your story with us like Elana did, we'd love to hear it. There's three easy steps to do that. But first, some of the benefits of sharing your story reflecting on your story is healing on a neurobiological level. Writing your story is also healing studies have shown that people who write about emotionally significant events in their lives are less depressed, less anxious, healthier and happier. And sharing your story with someone is healing on a neurobiological level as well. And also sharing your story gives guidance and hope to people who are struggling in similar ways that you are. How do you do that? Well, just go to restored ministry dot com slash story, again, restored ministry dot com slash story. The form in that page guides you in telling a short version of your story. And then we'll turn that into an anonymous blog article. So share your story now by going to restored ministry dot com slash story or just click on the link in the show notes. All right. That wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents, divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them and always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.
#063: The Antidote to Trauma | Margaret Vasquez
When your parents’ marriage and family break apart, it’s traumatic for you as their son or daughter.
That trauma is not only painful, but also has devastating effects on you that last for a long time. As a result, you need to heal. But how?
When your parents’ marriage and family break apart, it’s traumatic for you as their son or daughter.
That trauma is not only painful, but also has devastating effects on you that last for a long time. As a result, you need to heal. But how?
Our guest today, a trauma therapist, shares the antidote or opposite of trauma. We discuss:
The 4 principles you need to live out to prevent and heal from trauma
One thing you can today, right away, to heal and grow
Why feeling worthless is a major problem that you need to address in order to feel whole again
If you want peace, freedom, and great relationships, this episode is for you.
Buy Margaret’s book: FEARLESS: Abundant Life through Infinite Love (affiliate link)
Buy Joey’s book: It’s Not Your Fault: A Practical Guide to Navigating the Pain & Problems from Your Parents’ Divorce (affiliate link)
Links & Resources
Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through the links on this page, your purchase will support Restored at no additional cost to you. Thank you!
To leave feedback, comment below or contact us.
Margaret Vasquez
margaret@sacredhearthealingministries.com
Episode 37: Trauma: What It Is and How It Damages You | Margaret Vasquez
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
When your parents' marriage and family falls apart, it's traumatic for you as their son or daughter. That trauma though is not only painful, but also has devastating effects on you that lasts for a long time. And as a result, you need to heal. But how my guest today, a trauma therapist shares the antidote to trauma, the opposite of trauma, as she says, We discussed the four principles you need to live out to prevent and heal from trauma.
She also shares one thing that you can do today right now to heal and grow. We talk about why feeling worthless is a major sign and problem that you need to address in order to feel whole again. Now, if you want peace, if you want freedom, if you want great relationships, this episode is for you. So keep listening.
Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents' divorce. Separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 63. You've probably heard that my new book is available on Amazon. It's titled it's not your fault, a practical guide to navigating the pain and problems from your parents' divorce.
And the sad truth is that for a lot of teens and young adults, the most traumatic thing that they've endured is their parents' separation or divorce, but nobody shows them how to handle all the pain and all the problems that stem from their. Breakdown. And without that guidance, they continue to feel alone and struggle in serious ways with emotional problems, unhealthy coping relationship struggles and so much more.
And I experienced these issues, these problems firsthand when my parents broke apart and it really shouldn't be this way. It's not your fault. My new book is an answer to that problem. It features 33 questions and answers on the most pressing challenges faced by teens and young adults who come from broken families, such as after my family broke apart, I felt abandoned, unwanted and adequate, and even rejected is something wrong with me.
What's your advice for navigating in the holidays? And other life events. How do I avoid repeating my parents' mistakes and build a healthy marriage and so much more? And the content itself is based on research, expert advice and real life stories. And after reading, it's not your fault. Teens and young adults will learn how to handle the trauma of their parents' separation or divorce, how to.
Build healthy relationships, how to overcome emotional pain and problems to learn some healing tactics, to help them feel whole again, how to navigate their relationship with their parents, how to heal their relationship with God and how to make important decisions about their future. Now, if you wanna buy the book or if you want to get the first chapters free, just go to restored ministry.com/books.
Again, that's restored ministry.com. Slash books, or just click on the link in the show notes. My guest today is Margaret Vasquez. After over 15 years of treating trauma clients of all ages presenting to a wide variety of groups in person and through guests appearances on E WTN radio shows and podcasts.
Margaret began serving as a consultant for Franciscan university of Steubenville Institute. For diaconal renewal and presenting workshops and retreats to religious priests, deacons, and lay people. She now makes those same retreats and workshops available to you in her new book, fearless and through online retreats and workshops.
And as you might remember, I interviewed Margaret in episode 37 trauma, what it is and how it damages you. And we heard a lot of good feedback about that episode. This episode is equally as good, and I'm thrilled to. With Margaret again. And before we dive into the conversation, I wanna say that we do talk about God somewhat in this episode.
And if you don't believe in God, I'm so glad that you're here. This show is for everyone, not just religious people. And my challenge for you is this, listen with an open mind, even if you take the God parts out, I'm super confident that you're still gonna benefit from this conversation. And so here it.
Margaret. It's so good to have you back on the show. Thanks for being here. Thanks Joey. It's great to be. I was especially excited to talk with you again, because you're an expert on trauma and what the people that we're serving are dealing with so often is trauma from their broken families. And so I'm excited to speak with you, and I'm excited to tell everyone about this book that you've written because as I understand it, and you correct me if I'm wrong here, the framework that you offer really is an antidote to trauma.
So two questions for you. 1:00 AM I overstating that? And two, is there anything else you would say about the problem that this book solve? I see it as definitely not even just the antidote of trauma, but trauma prevention as well. Like when people are looking to like build their own families. Right. And also like one of the, when I'm, when I'm working with people in, in treatment in my office and I lay out the concept, be behind the book, we use it throughout the week for them to understand the why behind, like, why the things they've gone through.
Are particularly painful, hurtful difficult, because a lot of times people tend to minimize those things and think, well, if I just wasn't a whim or if I just had a thicker skin, or if I just wasn't so sensitive or, or this or that, and or people have been through worse, I hear that a lot. And I think when people can understand why things were painful and hurtful and that it was actually because the situation was not what we're made for, then they're able.
One not minimize it. And then so really be able to experience compassion and be compassionate towards themselves about it. And then also it puts 'em on a better trajectory going forward to be able to understand why those ways are not the ways to relate to others in the future. Right. Cuz they really understand the, the whole picture.
So. beautiful. I love it. It makes me think of, I've heard it said that who's more of the hero, a firefighter who puts out a fire, or maybe a firefighter who puts in a fire prevention system. And in a lot of ways, it's like, well, prevention is, is beautiful. And so either way, if someone's been through trauma, they can benefit from the book.
If they maybe haven't and they. Avoid that, or prevent that from happening, then they can benefit from the book. So really, really beautiful. Mm-hmm what would you say is the outcome or the transformation that you want for each person who, who reads the books and start more than reading it? Who puts it into action?
Who starts living this out? What's that outcome that you want for them simply stated it would be able to, to live, um, in the fullness of, uh, healthy. Connection communion with others and healthy integration with themself, and then hopefully healthy union with God, if for those who are on that track, because it's really like the essence of connection, whether it's to God, ourselves or others, it, it all comes down to the same principles.
So. Beautiful. And let's talk about that a little bit, like abundant life and other words that I would use for that too. And I know you would agree would be thriving or flourishing. Sure. Yeah. What do we mean when we say that? Cause I think for a lot of people, especially who have a really broken background, they may have never tasted that they may have no real concept of flourishing or thriving or some sort of abundant life.
Like, I dunno what that means. What would you say to someone who doesn't really can't relate to. Words. Yeah. Well, I just think, you know, a little bit about my history, right. And I, I grew up in a crazy amount of dysfunction and trauma. And so I, I came by the field honestly. Right. And so, yeah, I never understood that life could really be about something more than trying to like quiet the, the discord and confusion and drama, you know?
So I really like the definition of. Peace. That's more of like Shalom, right? Like, so the definition for that is like wholeness there's sense of completeness and fullness and that kind of thing, as opposed to the absence of discord. So to me, abundant life is such a sense of fullness and, and completeness that then it overflows to the others in your lives as well.
Mm. So good. And I, I would say too, that the byproduct of that is joy, which I think we all want, we want happiness. Oh yeah. Would you agree with. Oh, yeah, absolutely joy. Freedom. Yeah. Yeah. I think both of those words come to mind. beautiful. And I love what you said too. And I think so, so many of us have been there and even the people listening right now might be there right now.
It's just in the survival mode where perhaps even in a victim mode where they've, you know, gone through a lot and they just feel powerless and hopeless. And so I think this is very timely, so many people need, and I'm just really excited to, uh, to dive into this book. So in the book, you'd say that true, authentic.
Healthy connection is the antithesis of trauma. It's the antidote, like we said, why is that? Let's break into that a little bit more. Why is that the antidote? Yeah. Well, I see it like, as, I guess let's say I, I use the word antithesis because I see it as like the opposite of trauma, right? If like trauma is what we are not made for.
And so therefore it does damage to us on all different levels, physically, emotionally, spiritually, cognitively, relationally, you know, and the list goes on. Then, if that's true of trauma, then connection is that for which we're made. And it's really that by which we grow in personal integration, like meaning like our personal sense of self, our really our ability to, to really feel comfortable in our own skin, which is a really big deal.
And to be able to relate to others with a sense of starting with the needle on fall instead of the needle on empty mm-hmm . So we're really able. To relate from a sense of freedom where it's really, I can engage with you from a place of being filled up first. And so then it overflows to you rather than going.
Each interaction, really hoping that this desperate need in me somehow gets filled up by this person. And that's just such a, a setup for crazy making, you know? So I see connection is really, uh, what we're made for, because it's what causes that, that personal integration and that true piece and joy and freedom between people and relationships and that sense of, of growing union with God.
So good. And would you say, let's say someone's listening right now and like, well, I've kind of messed up in my relationships. I've built maybe this unhealthy reliance on another person. Like I feel half empty, you know, all the time, will this book kind of help them course? Correct too. Like, I, I know we're talking about prevention and maybe people in their mind, they might think if I don't use it beforehand.
And then I get in this situation where I'm really broken things. Aren't good. Can this help me course? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So can I share, I'll share a story. So I was doing some follow up work for some people who had gone through trauma therapy and this one particular situation. It was a, a 16 year old boy and his mother.
And there was just a lot of conflict in their relationship because a lots of the stuff that he had been through. So just wrote out the framework really simply it's back. And I had a really simple model of it, and I really just on a page, drew a circle and divided into four quadrants and just wrote in those quadrant.
Boundaries valued, known and openness. I mean, it was just super rudimentary way of describing it to them, but I showed it to both of them and, and said, this is what we all need in relating. And when those things are there, like things are great. And when those things aren't there, everything goes sideways really fast, you know?
And so it was so cool. You know, I didn't like anticipate this cuz it was one of the first settings like that, where I was describing this to people after I'd started seeing. Kind of like a way of understanding human and spiritual integration mm-hmm . But by describing it to this mom and this son, and write, just writing it on this piece of paper and sitting it on the table in front of them.
Now, all of a sudden they were sitting like shoulder to shoulder and looking at this piece of paper and it was like, okay, this is what. We both need. And, and so this is what, where we feel like how you related to, you know, your father and I, what the mom would say, wasn't there, you know, it felt like you've crossed our boundaries or, you know, whatever by violating curfew or what, and for him, it was like, okay, I can understand that.
But like, , I didn't feel like you guys really understood how important going to that event was to me, you know? So I really didn't feel known cuz didn't feel like you, you know, listened to and, and so it was so cool, you know, I'm just like I'm watching this. Interaction take place and thinking how beautiful it was that it went from.
Well, you're a bad kid. Well, you're a mean mom into, before they had that framework of understanding, basically like rules of engagement. Right. And once they had that, then suddenly there was a common. A common goal and a common understanding of we want connection with each other. And I was just like, that was so cool.
And then the, the boy, the teen, he was going to his high school. And, uh, so over the next couple of weeks he would come in and I would be able to ask him about his week in terms of like his relationships with his parents, with his girlfriend or with his friends at school mm-hmm in terms of those connection factors.
And by the first week he came in after, you know, the. Just understanding, you know, explanation. He came in, he was able to explain what was working and what wasn't basically in his life, in terms of those four things. By the second week, he was able to do it without any prompting from me. It was like he had already like, Put his life up against the captain crunch, decoder ring.
Right. And like, knew how to talk about it. By the third week he came in saying that he was able to adjust on the fly in relationships with his girlfriend and his friends and his parents, like in his, just in his mind, like having those simple factors and he was relating to somebody and he felt like, okay, like, there's a block here.
There's a wall here. How this person's responding to me. Something doesn't feel smooth in his head. He just went by those. things and was able to like, yeah. Self correct, like in, in real time. And I was like, wow, that. That was like, that felt like a big victory. Amazing. Yeah. Right. 16 year old that's male, you know, that was like, it felt like a big deal.
Yeah. If it would feel a big deal to be able to teach that to a clinician and have him kind of master it in three weeks, but a 16 year old, it was great. Yeah. No, that's, that's amazing. And you know, Us men, especially when we're teenagers aren't necessarily known for thriving. Well, you know, in the principles of you teach , what was that?
I wasn't gonna say it, but if you want to, yeah. I could say it . Yeah. Some are more advanced than others, but, uh, yeah. Yeah. I was like relating things that I'm learning for the first time, which I'm learning here is something I know. And it makes me think of like a preflight checklist almost. It's exactly a pre a preflight checklist.
I don't know the whole history, but basically after some accidents happened, because pilots who were taking planes off forgot to do really important things. Wow. They put in place, these checklists and these checklists have saved lives basically. Oh wow. Because they force. The pilots to perform this routine, right.
To make sure everything with the plane is healthy. Everything with the plane is functioning and literally it's saved lives. And so it almost makes me think this is kinda like a preflight preflight checklist for relationships. Yeah. And midflight , you can midflight right. There you go. And like we're losing altitude, right?
Like, right. So good love it. So let's get into the principles. So as you mentioned, there are four principles and, uh, I, yeah, I'm just so excited for people to learn them. So if you would teach us, break down these principles, how they work, we can start with value or however you wanna take it. But I was thinking we would start with value.
Cause I think that is the first actually, if, if it's okay with you, I'll start with boundaries because it just kind of makes the most sense to me. So yeah, go ahead. Um, which, okay, so, so I basically look at it like. Boundaries are the first things that we kind of kind of hit up against each other, uh, or hit up against when we're relating to each other.
Right. Is, um, which I would say like a basic sense of safety and respect and because we're body, mind and spirit, we, we get boundaries in all three of those areas. And even more than, than get boundaries, we as a kind of, as a. But like, we have them as a responsibility too. Right. We have a responsibility to set boundaries because those things are, are good self care.
And they enabled me to be able to bring my, a game to a situation. So I think a lot of times we don't get. Taught about boundaries or we get sent, you know, most often people tell me that they got sent a negative message about boundaries, like the boundaries weren't allowed. And I know for myself, got the message, like, who do you think you are if you're setting a, you know, if you're setting a boundary or something.
Hmm. But boundaries are really that first thing that we encounter when we're encountering the other. And, but I think when, when we have a basic sense of safety and respect from that person, then we naturally open. A little bit, you know, okay. I, I feel general sense of safety with this person, but we kind of see what they're about.
Right. And so then that door opens a little bit and I think the next, um, kind of chamber within that, that we reach is value. And I'd say value is if this person's respectful of my boundaries and they continue to relate to me in a way that shows me that they regard me with value based on my dignity as a human person.
or, you know, dignity as a child of God, then, then, okay. Then I feel a little bit safer and I'll even open that door a little bit. You know, it's a very different story when we are relating to somebody and we have a sense that they respect our boundaries. And so we open a little and then all of a sudden we start getting the message.
It's all about what I can get from you. You know what I mean? Right. Or it's based on like your looks or your money or your status or performance or your productivity, you know, there's. there's something in there that I'm trying to get outta you rather than just like, regarding you with dignity because you, you are.
And so then when that door opens a little, then I think what happens next is then we really like, let me let this person like really see and hear a little bit about who I really am. Right. And if they take the time to do that, then there's that sense of feeling known, right? If, if I'd say if. if we experience being seen and heard as an individual, who's very good.
Just very good. Like in our, in our essence, right? Like just again, because we are, it's not something we have to earn. And when that happens, then there's, there's this natural connection, you know, originally when I was seeing it as. Boundaries valued, known, and openness. I had an experience that taught me like, oh, you can't make an end run for openness.
Like, okay, all those things are nice, but I want this person to open. So I'm just gonna try to get my battering Ram out and bash that, that door down. Well, you can't, but when you relate to people, In a way that respects their boundaries and values them inherently. And you take the time to see and hear them as an individual.
Who's very good. That openness naturally happens because it's what we're made for. We're made for connection. I would, I throw chosen in there too, like really at the core, because sometimes the chosen being chosen is more of a it's more time limited, you know, it's not a forever kind of thing. Like really simple example would.
Being in a restaurant and wait staff is coming over and they're throwing the coasters on the table and they're like, hi, how's everybody doing today? You know? And like, good, good, good. If you don't look up, you know, or anything, and everything goes along, you know, just fine. But if you look up and you're like, oh, I'm doing well.
How are you doing? A lot of times they're like, oh, they're kind of taken back. And they're like, oh, I'm doing well. Thanks for asking, you know, it's almost like they kind of stammer like, oh my gosh, you're talking to me, like, I'm a human and not just what's between you and your stake, you know, or something like that, you know?
Yeah. Fair. So that's just being chosen in that moment. You know, it's not, you're gonna send a Christmas card necessarily to this person who waited on you and some relationships are a lot more, they last longer family relationships or friend relationships or things like that. And, and certainly when it.
Talking about it from a spiritual standpoint, it's at the core of our relationship with the Lord. He chose us first. And I think that same way that boundaries are the things we, we meet first with others and then being valued and then being known and then being chosen. I think it's really like when we talk about it from a spiritual perspective, God actually starts on the inside.
Right? Like he chose you out of all the possibilities of people he could possibly. Choose to create and redeem and sanctify and call intimacy with himself. He chose to create you. And then, you know, before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, right? And then his value for us and pouring himself out for us and, and giving himself to us daily.
And then looking at his boundaries, I'd say is protection and provision would be kind of how I look at boundaries that seeing, looking at that from the Lord as, as morality, Really. And so it's like, because I choose, I chose to create you and I know you and I've poured myself out for you. Then I sat before you life and death, please, please, please use life.
It's gonna be so much easier if you do, you know, and in that way, being able to see boundaries from the Lord as. that's what he has for us instead of what he wants from us. Hmm. Because it makes a really big difference in how we receive it. You know, I, for myself, I went through a pretty significant period of time in my life where morality felt much more like what God wanted from me mm-hmm instead of it.
So ended up kind of much more like the older brother and the prodigal son where it's like, you. why is this guy get a fatted calf? And like, I'm over here busting my hump. And I don't even have, you know, a party with my friend, you know, kind of thing, you know, you get bitter and that kind of thing. Totally.
Instead of being able to receive the boundaries as, as gift, you know, primarily as God's protection and, and that kind of thing. So, so yeah, so I think it, it starts at the core. It starts on the inside, cuz God's on the inside, right? Not on the. wow. There's so much there. I know when my parents were going through their divorce and you know, I, I know they probably didn't intend this.
So often I felt like the only time I was involved in maybe their lives on a deep levels when they needed something from me, mm-hmm . And I think so often we see that with the people that we work with is that we almost, we feel used in a way by our parents. And I think just what you said at the end there about God, we just tend to project that image onto God thinking he's the same as our parents.
And so, you know, I, I think that's why a lot of people have an aversion to a relationship with God. It's like. I don't wanna be treated like that. I don't wanna be used. I don't think that he's worth my time, because if he's like my parents then, well, that's not something I'm wanna be a part of. So yeah.
There's a lot there. Anything you would say to that? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I feel like you logged, lobbed it right over the plate on that. So. When I went through trauma therapy, I came back from, from going through, you know, it was like intensive treatment and I came back home and I, I went to pray and I went to the, up to the chapel and I was sitting there and.
God took me like through that in my head showed me like how my father was, but like how he is and how my mom is. So to each one of those takeaway messages about how they parented me to the difference in how he is. And so just this past week with a person I was working with, we ended up with a whole sheet at the end of.
The week of something that, you know, the truth about God, and it was like, dad did this, but God does this, you know, mom did this, but God does that, you know, or that kind of thing. So parents are meant to image God for us. But unfortunately, sometimes that image isn't, it's not very favorable and so very sorted go back.
Yeah. And like rework. no. So true. Yeah, no, I've had to do, you know, a lot of work myself with kind of storing that it's something, right. To be honest, I'm wrestling with a bit right now. Um, just kind of going back to the basics in a way of seeing like, okay, you know, God, do you really want me, or are you just trying to get something out of me?
It's a very honest place to be, I think, especially to take that to prayer. Um, and I realize a lot of people listening might be opposed to that, but I would challenge you if you're listening right now. And you're just very opposed to a relationship with God. Why is that, you know, give us some thought. I think it's, it's worth thinking about it's worth kind of digging into a bit.
And I know it's been very fruitful when I've done that and just ask those honest questions and just wait, listen, see what happens. You know, you probably won't hear an audible voice, but there might be something that happens in your life, whether it's someone. Saying something to you. Some, I don't know a song you hear, it can be something as simple as that, a realization you have, those are sorts of things.
God uses to communicate to me. It's never audible, but it's often through one of those means of a realization or a relationship or something that just kind of comes up in my life. Yeah. It's, uh, it cuts to the heart of so much. I think of our issues with God when we, yeah. You hit the now in the head talking about kind of this problem that we have with seeing God like our parents.
Yeah. Or authority, authority, other people in authority can do that as well. You know, coaches or teachers, they can do the same. Kind of thing, you know, can image God for us in a way that's not necessarily the biggest compliment to God , you know? Yeah. And so then we kind of take that on and go, uh, no, not doing that, you know, at the bottom line, like God disagrees with that every bit, as much as we do , you know, if not more.
Right. And I think that's been something that's given me. Encouragement to like dig into those areas when I just didn't wanna have anything to do with him. Yeah. No, beautiful. That's hard work. Um, it's not something he, it's not something that happens overnight, but that's beautiful. I wanna go back to just this whole framer.
I think it's genius because so often when we talk about these things, it's really kind of like the whole picture of a relationship. It's all the points that you need. To live out a beautiful relationship relationship, a meaningful relationship, a fulfilling relationship. So often I think we maybe just focus on one of these pieces, whether it's boundaries or value or openness, or as we can say, vulnerability, I know it's a big thing that a lot of people talk about.
And so I love that you've kind of put them all together because I, I think they fit together so well. And so going back to. Value. I think this is a big struggling point for a lot of people. We feel worthless. Like, and, and I think that low opinion of ourselves often leads us to even hate ourselves. Mm-hmm um, I know in the past I've had to wrestle with that myself.
And so people might hear this and be like, oh, value, whatever. But I, I think it becomes very practical when you. Kind of dig into it as you explained really well of like, okay, I feel worthless. I feel like I have no value. I feel like I'm not worth loving. I feel like my value only comes from my work or from succeeding in school or sports or mm-hmm , you know, whatever situation like that.
So I think a lot of people listening right now are there right now, they feel worthless. And because of that, All of this other stuff just breaks down. Yeah. And so that's kind why I intuitively I don't know if it was from a past conversation or not, or from the book I intuitively went to value cuz I was thinking, man, that's so foundational, but I, I think it's wise that you started with boundaries.
So yeah, I, growing up, I kind of got that instill in me that your value comes from more of a utilitarian point of view of. The value provided in your job, or like I said, school or sports, things like that, or even money, you know, how big is your bank account? Mm-hmm so when we're talking about value though, you, you hit on it before, but I wanna go a little bit deeper into this.
What do we mean by that? How can we say that people have inherent value? Is that really something that, um, People might disagree with that a little bit. I, I don't, but I, I think, uh, I think it's important to kind of explain a little bit more, so yeah. If you would, yeah. About that, the, yeah, I'd say the meaning of it is that we have an inherent dignity.
That's not contingent on any external factor at all. You know, and even if our, I think for females, a lot of times it's looks, you know, it's based on looks for guys. I think it's more on performance, you know? As in real general sweeping statement. Right. And, but when you take all of that away, there's still like a beauty to the human person, just because we're made in the image and likeness of God.
And so it doesn't matter if, when the wrinkles start to come and, and when you get slower, Running the marathon or, you know, or whatever it is, mm-hmm , then it doesn't matter. There's still a beauty there to, to the, the soul that's like that can't be seen and can't, doesn't have a price tag, you know? And so, and it's actually like, to me, like one of the things that proves the truth of it is actually because when people operate out of that belief and that truth, everything goes well.
And when they operate as though it's not true. Everything breaks down. Right. So, wow. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. So to me, like it, it is its own proof. You know, this is, it is its own proof of truth. Like, because when people hinge their, their value on some arbitrary metric that's outside of themselves, then they usually either full of anxiety because now I have I'm self-reliant for my own value or.
Like overextending themselves and then super impatient with people who get in their way, because they have so much to accomplish because they're fighting for their own sense of right to be on the planet. And yet when people start from that place of that, they have inherent value. There's just, there's a freedom and a joy, you know, it goes back to those freedom and joy.
That really flows outwards and it, it's not self consumed, you know? And it's yeah. So it, it proves the truth of it to me, you know, within itself. Yeah. And I've seen that in action. Um, I'm thinking of someone right now who just puts so much received so much of their worth or value from their job. Mm-hmm and I remember this particular person was outta work for a long time and it just destroyed.
It just destroyed them. And once they got back into work, it was like they had life again, which mm-hmm I guess it was a good thing. I don't know how to think about that, cuz it wasn't good before that, but I wish there was this alternative, like why, you know, couldn't they see themselves as a valuable human, even if.
They didn't couldn't work. Didn't work, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. And I think that better, we get that worked out before we retire. Right. Or we're gonna be pretty miserable, retired people. Gosh. Amen. Yeah. And one of the things, when you were speaking that came to mind is I think so many people doubt their value because of.
The mistakes that they've made. It's like, well, I've messed up so much in my life. I've mistreated people. I've heard people I've, you know, I have this addiction in my past or, you know, whatever had broken down in their past. I think so much. They, they look at that and they see. Well, I'm not really that valuable.
In fact, I pretty much just deserve to be punished and that's about it. But we're saying here, your value doesn't change based on even your own mistakes. Is that right? Or it might get into murky water there. Oh yeah, no, no, no, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Our values, of course, I come in from a Christian perspective.
So I'd say, you know, I look at it like when somebody's wearing a, a crucifix or a cross or whatever, like that's their price tag. Like, that's what they're worth, you know what I mean? And that doesn't change. Their price has been set, set and paid and it's not on them to, to pay it. And the price doesn't, it's not, somebody's going around and res stickering the price on them.
No beautiful. And that makes sense. And the book obviously goes into this a lot more, so we'll keep moving. One of the things I wanted to say, one of the most beautiful things about being a dad now is just that I can, you know, attempt to offer my daughter, uh, what I really wish I would've had. And one of the things that.
You know, I've seen a lot just in my life, especially in ministry, working with people, opening up to me is just that. So often there's so many lives we believe, and I think this would be one of them like we're talking about is like, I'm not valuable. I'm not worth anything. I'm not worth loving. Mm-hmm so one of the things I've tried to do, and I encourage parents listening right now, especially new parents to do this is like, I just.
I have this whole litany. I kind of like say to my daughter, I'm like, okay. And I won't go through all of it right now, but one of the things I tell her, I'm like, Lucy, like, you're so worth loving. Like you're so worth loving. Like you're so lovable and you're so worth loving. And my hope it gets me kind of emotional.
But my, my hope is that that just like seeps into her so deep, like down to her bones, like down to her core that. When she, you know, goes through life, like when she's no longer with us, when she's struggling as a teenager, like she will believe that at her core. And maybe there'll be struggles there. I don't doubt that, but I, but I hope that she has like such that foundation that she just goes through life with such peace, with such confidence, with such freedom and joy and all the things that I think so much of us, so many of us want.
So anyway, I wanted to mention that. Cause I think as, as parents, those of us listening, our parents, we can. Um, speak into those places. Almost preemptively kind of like this whole framework is meant to prevent trauma. We can speak into those places into the lives of our children. Yeah. So real quick story.
So I'm not, I don't know if I shared about it in the book, but a friend of mine when her son was 12 he's 18 now, but when he was 12, I was at one of his football games. He was in middle school. And I'll spare you the story to just kind of condense this, but he was playing football and I was at his game. He did something that was like really outstanding, not a football play.
It was a very human interaction with another person. It was like exceedingly, compassionate and good sportsmanship and just like. yeah, really kind of stand out. And so I text his mom who was sitting in the stands and I'm like, do you see him? And she's like, oh my gosh, I love that boy. You know? And so later it, I was at their house because I needed her to show me something on my computer, cuz she was more tech savvy than me.
And, um, he was heading into his room and she went, she was sitting on the arm of the couch, you know, I'm sitting on the couch and she's like leaning down over it showing me, oh, you need to do this and this. And, um, when he goes walking by, she went, oh, you know, just like to herself, like, oh yeah. I wanted to say something to him after, you know, he'd come home and got in a shower and eaten and all that.
So she, she calls him, you know, she's like Zach and he goes, yeah, mom. And she says, I like who you are. Hmm. I'm like, by the time she gets back to the couch, I'm like ugly crying. You know what I mean? and she's like, oh my gosh, are you okay? And I'm like, that's so beautiful. Like how many, how many people never hear?
I like who you are. Yeah. You know, and, and it's, and it's not to villainize saying good job to somebody. Sure. But that's so much the natural. And so then we can take away, like I have good news because I did a good job and like, that's. That's not it. And it's, it's not to say that's necessarily like inherently, mentally unhealthy or something.
Sure. But, but I think there really is something to focusing on applauding somebody for who they are over and above what they did. You know, the courage that it took to do this or that, or the dedication that it took to do this or that, or the integrity, or, you know, whatever, as opposed to the, the job, you know, make it about their being instead of their doing.
Right. So good. I love that. Yeah. And I think even being particular with your language is important there. And instead of just saying good job, like you said, saying, I like, you know how you are. I, I love how you did that. Or even when it comes to kids, I don't mean to make this such a parenting thing for anyone who's like younger, and who's not a parent, not even thinking about a parent, you can kind of put yourself on the opposite end of this.
And, and I can do that with myself too. And thinking like mm-hmm yeah. I would've loved to hear that. That, that would been awesome. Right. It. Thinking back to how, yeah, so many of us just crave that and, and we want that, but you know, we can say someone did a good job and then, but at the same time distinguish, and again, I've my wife and I are kind of working on this right now, but we wanna do that with our daughter.
We wanna applaud her for, um, her efforts. saying, you know, good job like you did really well. You're trying so hard. Like you've grown so much in this area. Mm-hmm but Mo more importantly, just like applaud her for just the person that she is. Right. And not, you know, even using different languages. Like she's really well behaved.
That's about her actions, but she's so good. That's about her right. Inherent value. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know, it might seem kind of insignificant, but I think it does, especially after years and years of compounding, if we can speak that into the people in our lives. I think you can have a really, really big impact.
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I, I see it on a yeah. Daily basis when I'm working with people, just the, you can tell. Their, their value of themself is formed based off of whether they, you know, whether it was for getting good grades in school or for being star athlete or being super helpful around the house or being the peacemaker or whatever, you know?
Sure. As opposed to that, there was this unshakeable value that they had, that that was unchanging. And that's, I think that that sense of security is the stuff that like yeah. That peace is made of. Yeah. So good. I love that. That sense of security, cuz so often we talk about insecurities, but the opposite would be yeah, just that deep sense of security.
Mm-hmm I know who I am. I know I'm good. I know I'm worth loving. I know that. Yeah. I have a lot to offer to, to people in my life. Not just for what I can do, but just who I am and so good love this. Can someone who's not religious benefit from this framework. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think that was where I saw it first was, you know, I was, had been practicing trauma therapy for a very long number of years and started noticing this pattern and, but noticed it, and, you know, in terms of human dynamics, wait, these connection is what people bring up to me.
If they come for a week of intensive. Trauma therapy and bring up anything beautiful. Like it always has to do with connection, you know, to God's self for others. And so realized that first and then, oh yeah. It's about boundaries, valued, known, and openness. Like those were always the things. And so it was, I noticed it in, uh, human to human, like relationship first.
It was only like going back, working that backwards. Like wait, when we relate to ourselves that. Then that fosters like integrity and that sense of like human integration. Right. And then like, wait, this is how God relates to us too. So it was only going backwards that, that I found that that was like really, to me, like the higher authority.
that besides just Margaret saying these things are important, but like, wait, this is the way the Lord relates to us. So there must be something solid about this. . Yeah, like I said, you know, I noticed it in human relationships and it, so it, yeah, it gets us just on the, and you know, human relationships with others.
But again, you know, with ourselves as well, so good. Yeah. And no, I, I think that what you said, it's just, it's a human thing. So even if you know, you're not in a place right now where you feel like God could. Kind of in the equation, then it's just a human thing. It'll improve your relationships and it'll improve.
Mm-hmm , you know, the way you feel about yourself, which is so good. You mentioned the story before of the mom and the son, you know, who kind of learned this framework and he started using it. Oh yeah. Did you have any other stories about people who just really benefited from learning these principles and then starting to live them in their own.
Yeah. Yeah. A couple of people come to mind in particular people I've worked with in treatment and a couple of 'em have I continue to have contact with. and then being able to say how their in their living situations, the people they're relating to that are able to just let go of being so annoyed by things that used to annoy them like on a daily basis, uh, you know, feeling disregarded or not listened to, or overlooked or, you know, whatever it was in different community situations.
And so, because of recognizing what was going on and digging back into. Sense of, you know, if I'm, if I don't feel known out here by this other person and that's really grading on me then, oh, I do. I feel known by myself. Yeah. Okay. I, I am regarding myself as someone who's very good. And yet I still feel the need to, to experience that.
Okay. So I can drop anchor so to speak, like in God, like to get that filled up, if I'm feeling like it's some, you know, like an area that's really lacking and as this person's done that. This, you know, kind of more tendency to complain about that and really kind of let that get him down then. Like it's just not there anymore.
And so he just operates with like this degree of peace and. Man. We just keep coming back to that word. Don't we? But yeah. Yeah. Like it's like, it's almost like not even on the radar, you know, so much so. Hmm. So that's so that's cool. Yeah. Also seen it be, uh, become like the rules of engagement, you know, so to speak in relationships like, okay.
Somebody I worked with quite recently, this was a, a woman and she was able to re. Her own behavior is why she had responded the way she did in the situation to her husband. And then also like to take the same thing and apply it to him and go, oh, these are the things he needs as well. Wow. And then, um, so it didn't just lead to, this is how we need to relate, but it actually led her from a place of feeling hurt about something to actually a place of compassion for him.
And so I was. Wow. There's a lot. Once people kind of, once you see it, you can't not see it, you know, as the necessary ingredients. And when you realize, you know, I think there's that first level of, okay, this is what I need and okay. I can get how this applies to me and how this affects me. But when you go, uh, this is what this person needs to.
And then, then you really got it, you know? And then you're, it's not just about yourself and you really understand more of. Why things happen and you're able to not personalize things when hurts happen, you know, not internalize them as personal. so good. Love it. Yeah. And I'm sure you have a million other stories, which we don't have time for, but do I'm the book has more of those stories.
Yeah. There's I, I'm pretty sure there's good bit of stories in there. Kind of how, how the framework came to, to my mind in particular first and yeah. There's different things in there. And a few words, I'm just curious, how have you benefited from it? Cuz this is obviously something you discovered put language to, but yeah.
I'm curious how this has kind of played out in your own. Gosh. So I'm, I'm the kid from the time I was little, I was always why, why, why, why I was that kid, right? so it's helped me understand why to like so many things, like so many things. Well, there's this line in Batman begins. Okay. Which is a highly philosophical movie.
It's a fantastic, that's my favorite movie. That's my favorite. Oh really? Yeah. I Julia, like you even more natural you too. so, you know, he says like, we always fear what we don't understand. And I just think that's you remember the, the who's a, the drug, the mafia guy basically like, right that under Lord guy and yeah, I.
Relationships can just be so confounding, you know, because people can be so complex and we're all also different from each other, as much as we really have more in common. But when there can just be this kind of like swirl of like, why is a person doing this? Or why is this happen? Or why is this bothering me so much?
Or lots and lots and lots of whys. And so to me, it always goes back to, to two multiple choice questions. It's like, okay, is it a breakdown in connection to God's self or others? okay. And then the next question would be, is it about boundaries, value being known or openness? Boom. So like two questions and I'm able to get to the crux of what's going on in a situation and kind of like write the ship, you know, internally when I feel like I'm losing my piece or something.
And so, yeah, so it's, it's been very, it's been a blessing to me, so good. It almost makes me think of like an analogy of. You know, relating to another person is John Paul. The second would talk about like throwing a bridge. It's like we're walking across a bridge to an island that is another person. And it almost makes me think of this framework is the bridge.
Yeah. That, that bridge is the connection. And if you want the connection, you need these four. Pieces in place mm-hmm right, right. Yeah. What we're, it's what we're made for. Right. So if I go up, you know, if we're in the same place and we're having a conversation and, and I like cover your mouth and nose and then expect you to be able to, to be able to survive and be able to carry on the conversation, like that's.
That's silly. It's not gonna work. Yeah. You know, but we do the same thing on this invisible level in terms of, you know, de depriving each other of what, just what we need in order to relate healthily. Yeah. No, so good. I think that we focus so much on the physical and what's before our eyes and our world and our very materialistic world.
So it's. A good reminder, that there's so much more happening below the surface that can't be seen. So good. Uh, aside from buying the book, what's one thing that you would say someone listening right now who wants to live these principles out, what what's maybe one thing that they can do today to begin living out these principles.
I always think it starts with self-compassion when I'm working with somebody and, and they get to that point where they're able to, to really have compassion for themself in whatever painful things they've gone through. It's a game changer. You can't do that based on just, you know, you're not brimming over with warm, fuzzy feelings towards yourself.
Then, you know, if you have a relationship with the Lord, then that's. You can kind of dig into that, right? His compassion for yourself, you know, for you and for your suffering and stuff. And that's, you know, somebody had asked me once, like, self-compassion, isn't that the same as like narcissism? I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Self-compassion is imitation of Christ. Right? Because he has compassion for us, you know, and I really think being able to. To have that and kind of, even if it's a fake until you make it, you know, kind of at first. Sure. And, and just really growing in that, you know, it's the whole idea. You can't give what you don't have, you know, so you have compassion for yourself.
Really your compassion for others is gonna be on shaky ground. But when you're able to be understanding and accepting and compassionate towards yourself, then you're able to more readily give that instead of always looking to like, to get that need met by others. Oh, that makes so much sense. And I think that's something we, we all can grow in, which is such a good challenge, which I love kind of leaving it at that.
But I did wanna just ask you, I know you're starting a, a new ministry. Tell us about that. Tell us what you offer, if you would. Yeah. Yeah, I'm very excited about it. Um, it's just, I've learned so many principles over the last six, 16 years of doing intensive trauma therapy and so really wanna make those available.
I've started doing retreats for, I've done some for, you know, for priests, for deacons, deacons and their wives. And then, um, most recently I did two for, for lay people and just taking basically the same, because these are the principles. Where health and wholeness happen. They're also the same areas where pain happens.
And so taking the same things and making them available in a retreat format. So we can really kind of access those areas where woundedness happens and I've seen. I've seen amazing stuff happen in a very short amount of time that I just never really thought could happen that quickly. And that's really exciting for me because you know, the kind of work I've, done's been one week with the same person, like for the whole week.
And so to be able to reach more than one person, you know, in the retreat format, Through the course of the retreat has been, has been great. So, so retreats, um, father David, ticker, hoof, who's one of the Tor friers and I recorded an online retreat. That's up on my website doing workshops. We're actually like teaching people, the principles and some actual tools to be able to address.
Pain from wounds they've incurred in the past, but also to be able to relate to themselves and the people in their life, more healthily. So workshop, format, retreat format, online retreats kind of thing. Beautiful speaking. Yeah. Yeah. Excited. Yeah. I'm so excited to see how this grows and just the people it helps.
Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Did, uh, was there anything else you wanted say. No, no, no, just excited. Just excited. You know, it's been like a dream come true for, it's been a long, it's been a long haul and I love trauma therapy, but I don't know. There's something about rounding the corner as you get older and going wait, like even if I live to be a hundred, there's only a certain number of people I could reach.
So just wanting to be able to reach more people so good. And if someone wants to bring in to do a workshop or retreat, uh, speaking engagement or anything else that you offer, uh, how can they. Yeah. If they just contact me through my website, then we can get the ball rolling. So sacred heart healing, ministries.com, or email me at Margaret sacred heart healing, ministries dot.
Sounds great. We'll throw that in the show notes guys. So you have easy access to that, but Margaret, thank you so much. You're great. I, uh, always love, uh, talking with you and I'm excited to, to work with you more in the future. And, uh, yeah, I just wanna give you kind of the last word, any final wisdom you'd like to impart to everyone listening when it comes to connection, when it comes to trauma, when it comes to anything related to that, what encouragement would you give to, to everyone?
Wow. Yeah, I would just really say hope because, you know, I mean, I can talk about all this. Like it's, you know, like, like it's so natural to me, but man, if, gosh, as recently as 2003, which I guess is getting 19 years ago at this point, but in some ways it seems like only yesterday when I was. You know, suicidal for 18 months and hospitalized twice and on so many medications and nobody could figure out what was going on.
So, um, so I would just really say hope because I never thought the degree of, of peace and contentment, joy that I live with. Like I never thought was. Possible this side of heaven. so I just say, hang in there. There's more to life than surviving for sure.
Which of the four principles that Margaret taught us is lacking the most in your life. . And in addition to that, what's one thing that you can do today or this week to grow in that area. Give that some thought it doesn't have to be long. It can be a five or 10 minute exercise, but give it some thought, which of the four principles that Margaret taught is lacking the most in your life.
What's one thing you can do to grow in that area. If you enjoyed my conversation with Margaret, you wanna learn more about her connection framework? Just buy Margaret's book fearless. You can get that on Amazon, wherever you buy books, you can click on the link in the show notes as well. The resources mentioned are in the show notes@restorministry.com slash 63.
Thank you so much for listening. If this has been useful for you, feel free to subscribe. And if you know someone who's struggling from their parents' divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them. Always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole. And become the person that you were born to be.
#037: Trauma: What It Is and How It Damages You | Margaret Vasquez
What is trauma? How does it affect a person? Today, licensed trauma therapist Margaret Vasquez answers those questions and more.
What is trauma? How does it affect a person? Today, licensed trauma therapist Margaret Vasquez answers those questions and more:
Why your parents' divorce, separation, or broken marriage can be so traumatic
The antidote to trauma, which will surprise you
How trauma therapy works, why it is so effective, and the incredible result she's seen
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
A word that we use a lot these days and we use it a lot on this show too, is the word trauma, but what exactly is trauma and how does it affect us today? We dive into those questions and we give you guys answers. We speak with a, a trauma therapist, a counselor specializes in helping people. Who've been through something traumatic in their lives to heal so they can feel whole again.
And by listening to this episode, you're gonna get a bunch out of it. We're gonna talk about why is your parents' divorce separation or broken marriage? So traumatic. My guest shares the antidote to trauma. Something that she's discovered through years and years of counseling. And I think it'd be surprised by the answer.
She also shares her story, her personal story. This isn't just someone who read this stuff in books and learned it, but she's been through a lot herself. She came from an extremely dysfunctional family. She ran away from home and. 17. She was misdiagnosed with bipolar hospitalized twice. She says she was taking basically every medication that you can imagine.
She was super depressed. She couldn't keep a job. And she was actually on the brink of suicide. And as the last stitch effort, she went through trauma therapy after her counselor recommended it and something amazing happened immediately. Her life started to change. She no longer felt depressed. No longer felt anxious, suicidal, hopeless anymore.
And now she helps a ton of people every year through, uh, an improved version of the model that she went through. And so, again, this is just someone who learned this stuff in a book and has helped people, which there's value to that. No doubt, but she's been through it herself. And so she talks about how trauma therapy works, why it's so effective and some incredible results that she's seen in her own practice.
And so if you or someone, you know, feels broken, who's been through something traumatic in their life. This episode is gonna help you so much. Not only is it gonna give you hope, but it'll also give you some really practical things that you can do some really helpful information so that you can heal and move on with your.
You do not wanna miss this episode, keep listening
what to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents' divorce or separation. So you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 37. And before we dive in, I just wanna give a quick shout out to those of you who have left us a review on apple podcast.
Thank you so much for doing that. Sheele left a five star review and said, I've always said that I'm okay. That what happened couldn't have changed who I was. Of course it changed me. I still run away from many topics related to divorce, but listening to this podcast, isn't like hearing a bunch of psychologists.
Tell me all the ways that I'm really. Okay. It's so much more helpful to hear this is not okay. And it never will be okay, but I can be. I love that. Thank you so much slowly for, for that review. And I wanted to ask you, would you leave us a review as well? Some of the benefits for us is that it really helps us to know how we're doing to serve you guys.
How, how the content we're producing is helping you or maybe not helping you. It also gives us some more visibility in apple podcast so we can reach more people. We can help more people. And it's actually really easy to leave a review in the apple podcast app. If you click on our show, the official name of the show is stored helping children of divorce.
Just click on our show, scroll down to ratings and reviews that under that section, there's two ways to leave a review. You can tap to review. That means just clicking on the stars and that's helpful. But the thing that's most helpful is if you click write a review that's just below and that gives us more insight into your experience with the show and it doesn't need to be long.
It can be 60 to 90 seconds of your time. And if you need a question to help you prompt your review, answer this question, how has this show helped? We really appreciate the time you take to leave a review and we take those super seriously. So thank you guys for leaving reviews. My guest today is Margaret Vasquez.
Margaret is a licensed professional clinical counselor. She developed the N I method that stands for neuro reformatting and integration of trauma therapy as an adaptation of the ITR model. And that stands for instinctual trauma response model. We're gonna talk about all this in the show, uh, but with a focus on connection as an essential ingredient to attachment health wellness and post-treatment growth, Margaret has treated clients of all ages and backgrounds for over 12 years, considering an expert in the field of trauma therapy in this method of treatment, she has appeared on numerous television radio shows and has been cited in numerous books.
And she also has extensive experience presenting to non-clinical and clinical groups. I'm so excited for you to, to hear from Margaret to learn from here. So here's my fascinating conversation with Margaret Vasques.
Margaret, welcome to the show. I really appreciate you making time for this. Thanks, Joey. I appreciate you inviting me. I wanna start with a, a really basic question. What is trauma? What's the definition of trauma? The simplest definition of trauma that I like to use is any event that overwhelms a person's normal ability to cope.
And so kind of, you can kind of imagine, like, in that definition itself kind of contains the idea that that varies from person to person, right? Because what overwhelms one person might not overwhelm another and that kind of thing. So it's a real, it's real particular to the person. So I kind of like that, that like, understanding that because.
If we understand that, then we don't compare and go, oh, well, this didn't bother that person, but it really bothers me. And so what's wrong with me, you know? So it, it really all has to do with our perspective in the situation and our perception of it, and really our personal experience of it as to if we're traumatized by.
By an event or not. Okay. No, that makes so much sense. So if you would, what's an example, I guess, of a traumatic event that you typically see. I know, based on what you said, it varies for people, but what's something that's kind of a typical traumatic event. And I know some people talk about trauma in terms of like a big tea trauma versus a little tea trauma.
What would some examples be to help people listening right now who may not have a handle on that? Yeah, sure. Um, so one of, so kinda some of the obvious ones would be, um, abusive, any kind. You know, physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, verbal, natural disaster or accidents can be traumatic as well. It it's so funny because so often people say, well, couldn't have been worse.
You know what? I went through, like, couldn't have been worse and I'll say, well, it could always have been worse or we wouldn't be having this meeting. Right. Mm-hmm cause we're still alive. You know? So I think it's, I think it's more, it makes more sense to compare it to what we're made for. Instead of couldn have been worse because if something bothered us, that's enough reason.
You know, if it was traumatizing to us, if it overwhelmed my, my year, whoever's personal ability to cope, then that, and of itself is reason enough for it to be trauma. I often say like in trainings, I call it trauma. When I'm with my brothers, we call it childhood. You know, so, and I guess it's just kind of make that distinction because people can tend to, to minimize and kind of beat themselves up for, for things bothering them.
Right. And kind of say, I should have been more thick skinned or tougher, or I'm being wimpy or self pity or, you know, or whatever that these things are getting to me. And it's really not. A matter of that. So some of the things that people typically think of as trauma are like combat or violent crimes, but it, it can really run the gamut.
One of the biggest ones that I work with with people is biggest meaning one of the ones that that's the most affect most affects people is bullying. And, and that's really sad cuz that's something that's kinda rampant today. Definitely. Wow. And it's um, I, I think you were a spot on in saying that a lot of people think of trauma as just this huge event in my life.
Like you said, a big natural disaster, something very dramatic that happened like going to war, you know, something like that, but it's a great point that it can be something that maybe is less dramatic. It can be something that, uh, a lot of people may write off as not being very important or being something that they should be able to have a handle on.
Yeah. Well, you know, I kind of, I kind of got scolded in this back in early days of practice and I was working with a young veteran and. He had been through a lot of verbal abuse from his father. And he said to me worse for him than hand to hand combat was verbal abuse from, from his dad when he was a little boy and kind of intuitively like just in my gut, that made sense to me.
But I just, you know, I just asked him this to say more about that. And he said, well, when I, when I went in the army, they gave me a gun and said, people are gonna be shooting at you. Go defend yourself. That wasn't how it was when I was seven years old, little boy sitting at the breakfast table, eating my breakfast, you know, and my person who was supposed to be protecting me was just verbally decimating me, you know?
And while that kind of really put it in perspective, you know, absolutely. Like in one case he was totally unprepared. And then in the other case, he had training, he had somewhat of an expectation of what he would be going into, but that wasn't the case in his childhood. Yeah. And I, and I think also kind of going along with that is the person that he expected protection from was instead the assailant.
Right. Whereas like over in, I don't even remember what, what country he was fighting in Afghanistan or Iraq or where it was, but he didn't ex he didn't have an expectation of safety. He certainly didn't have an expectation of protection from the enemy. Right. Instead like the person who was sadly. Playing the part of the enemy was the person he should have had, you know, he had a right to have expectation of safety and, and even protection from mm.
Yeah, absolutely. That, that makes so much sense when it comes to a person experiencing trauma. How does it affect a person again? I know you said it, it varies per person, but what are some common themes that, that you've. It's one of those things that just can really run the gamut. So I'll get in. I can get into more of explaining my answer to this, but, but it affects us physically, always.
And that has to do with how the brain encodes trauma, like the biological response that happens in the brain when trauma happens. So first and foremost, it affects us physically like it in a way that we can't even see, you know, that just in terms of how it becomes encoded in our, in our brain. Um, but cause of that, cause of how it becomes encoded.
Can emotionally continue to be experienced, like it's still going on. So you can take any of the painful, negative emotions from a traumatic experience. And, and those can continue like on a, you know, hourly, daily, weekly month in and month out, that kind of thing continue to be experienced. Like it's still happening.
So, you know, for example, fear, anxiety or anger, sense of helplessness or hopelessness. Those think things can continue to be experienced like way down the road, you know, for, for years and years, because also because of how it becomes encoded in the brain, it can affect us cognitively. So our ability to, to problem solve can be compromised.
It can make it really difficult to articulate things, but be able to put words on things, to express how we're feeling, which can then leave us. More isolated from other people because we really feel like we can have, have a hard time communicating and help getting other people to understand kind of where we're coming from or how we're feeling.
It can also affect just kind of simple things as far as like the ability to prioritize or be organized, can affect reading. Comprehension can affect our ability to do math, can also make it where memory is really hard. Just the ability to remember things, short term memory, that kind of thing. And it can also affect us spiritually just having to do with that sense of like powerlessness and helplessness and kind of that sense of like, if we're we're in that mode where we, we feel isolated and alone and like kind of like we're on our own, right.
Mm-hmm so we're kind of like abandoned and rejected can kind of project that onto, onto God as well. And so, and it can end up affecting us relationally because all these things can leave a person really feeling like. They're broken and flawed. And so then because of that can leave people tending to kind of isolate or tending, to feel like really kind of desperate and needy.
And so relying that much more on, on other people. And I can, if we, if we stay stuck kind of feeling like very angry, then obviously that can kind of come out and really unfortunate ways in, in relationships also, you know, kind of left feeling abandoned or rejected. You can. Tend to project that onto other people where it's not really objectively the case, but the kind of the messages that we took on and the traumas can become like these lenses that we then like, tend to look at the world and other people through.
So it can really, really complicate situations relationally. Yeah. No, that makes so much sense. So thinking through, you know, the people that we work with, uh, and have restored, you know, people who come from broken homes or parents are separated or divorced, uh, it reminds me of someone who, who mentioned that they, uh, felt like they were almost in competition with, or had to defend against their spouse.
And, uh, based on what you just said, how trauma can leave your brain, experiencing the trauma again, and again, as if there's no time limit on it, it's like an infinite mm-hmm , I, it almost made me think of that. And I've experienced this too in my own marriage where, you know, I, I kind of react to things in not a logical way.
It's like, I'm not using the front part of the brain, the, um, smart part of me. And it just seems like I'm reliving, maybe something that happened in the past where, you know, I, I found out that my parents were separating and that was certainly traumatic for me personally. And, uh, anyway, I could see how, uh, people who come from broken homes maybe could project, like you said, some of the brokenness of their parents onto their future spouse.
Yeah, absolutely. Because if we, you know, in our mind, if our takeaway is like, okay, I'm not gonna let anybody treat me. This again, because that feels really bad and really painful. And so then anything that, that we could perceive from our fear, right. Instead of from, from like real clarity and sense of truth, but more of kind of that nature reaction and going like, oh no, this is that right.
And so it kind of itchy trigger finger, that sort of thing. So, and that's actually for a. Biological reason because the, the limbic system, which is the emotional center of the brain takes less than 20 milliseconds to respond to a stimuli. So something that's a reminder of, you know, whatever painful thing takes less than 20 milliseconds to respond.
But the smart part of our brain, like you're talking about takes more than 500 milliseconds to respond, right? So that, that knee jerk reaction sadly goes off like 25 times faster than the smart part of our brain's able to, you know, kind of show up to the task and try to make sense of it. Wow. No, that is fascinating.
And it makes sense why? I mean, it makes sense why it is that way. Cuz in survival situations, we, we really want that, that part of our. The survival part of our brain to be that quick to react. But it is unfortunate when that's like constantly on, in, you know, our relationships and everyday life when it really doesn't need to be.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Kind of leaves us like wired for, for war, but war's not a really good thing to be wired for when you're in a marriage. Right. Or in a family or, you know, or with friends, you know, that kind of thing. Yeah. No, that makes sense. Huh? It's this just a side note I thought of, um, I know, uh, a lot of special operators, like Navy seals and guys like that.
They have a really hard time with their marriages and there's some practical, logistical things like that. Cause they're away from home a lot. Um, and you know, I'm sure there's more factors involved, but I wonder if that's part of. My understanding is that police officers do too, for the same reason, kind of that it's almost like it can leave.
You feel having that really isolated feeling like there's an experience of reality that I have that is so far from anything that, that anybody else can even imagine. And so it just leaves you really kind of isolated. And then when you have that kinda knee jerk reaction going off to, to things and, you know, intensified fear and that, you know, can obviously come out.
In a lot of different ways, anger, anxiety, or things that complicates relationships and certainly think it was complicated. Marriage. Yeah. Fascinating. Wow. Now on the opposite side, so, you know, we've heard kind of how, um, trauma can affect people negatively. Is it possible to, to handle trauma properly? I don't know if properly is the right word, cuz a lot of times, you know, it's not something that we control.
But, um, but is there a way to handle trauma? Well, one of the, the main things is part of what makes a trauma, a trauma is how it gets taken care of. And, uh, I'll give you an example that a supervisor gave me years ago when I was, when I was just an intern. And he said, he, he said that to me, he said that very thing, you know, part of what makes a trauma, a trauma is how it gets taken care of.
And I said, you know, what do you mean by that? And he said, well, he had grown up in Pittsburgh. And so one particular, he pick particular day, he was, he was just a little boy. And he was out with a bunch of friends and they were playing a game of pickup football in a empty corner lot. And he got tackled onto a piece of a jagged pipe.
That seems like it was probably about a sticking up outta the ground, maybe for about a foot, you know? And it was jagged and broken off. Yeah. And he was tackled onto it and it kind of cut his calf and it was just, he was really bleeding and, and he went home and. His mom was kind of freaking out. like, she couldn't couldn't handle the, the blood and kind of everything.
Right. So she's kind of losing it. And so, but his grandfather lived a couple of doors down and so she took him over to his grandfather and his grandfather was just like really calm and really patient and really loving and just got him like all cleaned up and bandaged up and, and took him for ice cream.
And so he says, instead of remembering that event as a traumatic event, he remembers it as a time where he felt like he really got taken care of. And I thought that was like, that was so interesting. You know, it's something that that's kind of become, uh, a really big part of my practice and how I've started seeing trauma.
It's something that something you and I haven't talked about, but it's in, it's been in the last couple of years, I had started noticing this pattern in my practice that it didn't matter the age of the person, the, you know, if they're male or female, you know, if they were super smart or if they were just kind of more simple, like anywhere, you know, any factor you can change up.
Right. And I started noticing that consistent thing was that if somebody brought up something to me, that was just this really, really beautiful experience, which you can imagine doesn't happen a lot when people come to talk about trauma. Right? Sure. But if they were bringing something like that up, it always had to do with a profound sense of connection to either themself or another person or God.
always. And so once I started noticing this, Jo was kind of like, I was kind of geeking out on this. Right. Like I was like, oh, this is fascinating. Like connection is like the antithesis of trauma. Right. It's like the exact opposite. So it's, it's the antidote and which kind of makes sense. Right. It's what we're made for.
Right. Sure. And wow. So then I was kind of like, that was fascinating. It was super cool. Then I started thinking, you know, after a couple of weeks of having this like nugget of revelation and I started thinking. Well, gee what's what's connection comprised of like, that's just kind of this fluffy term, like what's, what's it made of.
And so then started noticing this pattern that it always had to do with our boundaries being respected and which gives us that kind of like fundamental sense of safety. Right. I think, and safety and respect. Right? So there's a place where, where I stop and you start, and I don't, I, I have to have respect for that space, you know, I don't get to just come trudging into, to your space physically, emotionally and spiritually because we're body mind.
Absolutely. Um, so that was one thing boundaries. Right? And then the second thing was value. So it always had to do with the person being treated like they had inherent value. Like they didn't have to earn their value. They just had, they had dignity because they were a human being. That's it and, and didn't have to earn it.
It wasn't based on looks or performance or status or money or, or anything like that. Right. And then the third thing was having that sense of feeling known. So, which I kind of come to, um, to kind of like define as like being seen and heard as an individual. Who's very good. Like very good kind of going back to like Genesis and the Bible.
Right. And then the fourth thing was openness. Cause we kinda, we have to be, have some degree of openness in order to experience those things, another person, right. Even tiny bits of openness. But then the thing I started noticing was that the openness is really a byproduct. Of those four things or those three things, right.
If somebody respects my boundaries and treats me as though I already have value, it's not like I have to earn my value from them and takes the time to really like, see and hear me, then we kind of naturally open, right. Cause we're like we're made for connection. And those three, three things like send us like this really big, you know, message of you're safe in every way, you know?
And so I think those things, like if there's a way to say survive trauma, well, like I would say, you know, kind of like recover from it naturally. Like if you know, something just happened to someone, it it's kind of, you know, showing up with. Those three things and helping that person not feel isolated and not feel like they have to earn their value, or if they have to protect themselves or feel isolated and that kind of thing.
Wow, this is so fascinating. So many different levels to, to everyone listening, who maybe you don't come from a broken home, but you love, or you lead someone who does, this is a great takeaway for you too. And it reminds me of just the fact Margaret that when someone goes through something traumatic, like the worst thing that we can do is just try to get 'em to cheer up.
I know a lot of people, well, intentioned people say, well, look on the bright side or a typical one. When it comes to us going through your parents' divorce, it's like, well, we now, you know, you have twice as many presents, twice as many birthdays Christmases, you get two houses, like trying to get people to see the bright side.
But, um, this shows me that , you know, that model that you just laid out, that the need for connection being the antidote to trauma, that that really proves that that is so unhelpful. Yeah. Yeah, certainly. And of course, like you're saying, you know, of course it's, it's from the best of intentions. Right. And, and I think it's because we, especially, we as helpers, right.
We have a little bit double dose of wanting to help people feel better. But instead of focusing on controlling the other person's emotions, which honestly is a boundary violation. Right. so instead of that, focusing on connection, I think that's like when we, when we go there, we stay on definitely on safe ground.
I I'll tell you a simple story of if we can tolerate another story. No, please. Okay. So a few years ago, One of my nephews. He was three years old and I'm from coastal Georgia. So I was, I was down in Georgia and was visiting family. I was staying with my brother and we had gone over to some relatives of his wife.
So my sister-in-law's grand great-grandmother. And so the little boys, my nephews were three and a year and a half, and they were, they were playing with this ball. They were throwing it back and forth and it went over this little kind of patio fence thing. And so Bryce came running inside and running across the room and ran out.
She was, she lived in an apartment, ran out and the apartment and down the car corridor to go get his ball back and. So he just hear, you know, these footsteps, like, and like little body, like floating on. And then he like goes along in front of the fence and like passed her apartment to now he was in front of the apartment next to her.
And all of a sudden you hear these little dogs, like, and so then all of a sudden he's crying and he's just like tearing back into the apartment, you know, mm-hmm and I thought, oh, like, he, he wasn't expecting to be met with these dogs. And even though they were little, he was little too. Right? Sure. It was pretty overwhelming.
So I met him at the door and picked him up as soon as, you know, he comes to the door and. He was crying and everything. And what naturally came to my mind to say was that must have been really scary because I was thinking about it from, from his perspective, you know? So I was like, that must have been really scary.
You weren't expecting to hear dogs, were you? And he's like, no, you know, and he's, he's crying and he's wiping his eyes and stuff. And so I'm gonna hold you up, appear really high so that we can go back out and get your ball, but you'll be up high. So you'll be. From the dogs. Right. And so we go outside and you know, I'm making up this little story to him and I'm saying, oh, this cause the dogs are not barking.
And it's like, oh, these dogs are saying, Hey, little boy, your balls over here, you know, I'm just being silly. And then, and he's like, oh, that's so nice. You know? So now he's VI his, and, and he, he feels safe though. I'm like, you know, oh, look, they're behind their little fence. And so now he wiggles down. Right?
Cause he, he wants to go get his ball. He knows he's safe. And because the dogs are, are away from him, I can't catch him. So he goes and he gets his ball and, and you know, there's, everybody's, everybody's happy, that kind of thing. But somebody had said to me later when I had, I had written about that story and the book that I had put out back in 2017, somebody said that to like, that was so interesting that you said to him, that must have been really scary.
He said, I, I think the natural thing to say would be, you don't have to be scared. Mm. And I was like really struck by that, cuz I thought, I think back in my experiences I guess that is something that people would've tended to say to me, but, but it just made so much sense to say that must have been really scary because clearly he was scared.
And if I say you don't have to be scared. I think what we tend to think in our minds is like, well, you don't understand, you know, because clearly if I am scared, there's something I'm scared about, you know, that kinda thing. So I didn't want him to feel isolated or him to feel understood. I, I wanted to meet him where he was instead of trying to get him to meet me where I was.
Once he felt like I met him where he was with that must have been really scary. Then I could bring him into, you know, the things, these things that were going was gonna do so that he didn't have to be scared and we could go and face it together. Does that make sense? Yeah. No, I love it. Empathy. That's all about empathy, basical, and then yeah, for sure.
Connected with him. Which helped him overcome his fear, which helped him kind of deal with that dangerous situation that he was facing. That's wow. That, no, that, that's incredible. It's a great illustration of kind of how that works when you truly help someone to process and go through something difficult.
Yeah. And just kinda like take, like looking at taking their perspective first, instead of getting them to take your perspective. Cause I think that we can kind of, we can tend to do that, you know, uh, and again, with the festive intentions, you know totally. Yeah. And I wanna transition into talking about, um, going through your parents' divorce, like when someone goes through their parents' divorce, their parents' separation, or maybe just a really broken marriage, uh, something you said before, how, you know, to, to properly survive trauma, um, means it, we, we need to get taken care of basically.
And so mm-hmm um, it, it had struck me because what we've seen reading the research and hearing all the stories that we've been hearing for years is that so often these young people who come from broken families or not so young. That they aren't taken care of. And again, not not saying parents are like want wanting to damage their kids.
I've never met a parent who wanted to hurt their kids by getting divorced. Never. But I think so often the kids get neglected and that is damaging. They don't have that connection. Like you mentioned, they don't feel that they're taken care of. And so I think maybe that's part of the reason it's so damaging.
So I wanna give you a chance to talk about that. Why, why would you say, uh, from your point of view, your expertise is your parents' divorce or separation, so, so traumatic for so many people. Yeah, I think there's, I think there's so many, so many reasons to that. Like, first of all, I think, cause we're, we're part of mom and part of dad to see that rift between the two of them really feels like a rift within us.
Right? Like even on a, on a very like natural physiological kind of level, you can feel like we're being torn apart. So I think it, it makes a lot of sense just on a really like. Basic like fundamental level. And you know, a lot of times there's even like, I look more like this person. So if you're rejecting this person, what does that say about me?
Maybe I have more features of that person. And if that, you know, he's rejecting this about her, then what does that say about me? And 11 times, I don't think we even necessarily articulate this stuff, but I think it's, you know, I think it ends up playing into the what's, you know, can be going on underneath.
Also, I think one of the things that makes situations so particularly damaging or impacting I would, would be a good word is when. The more helpless we feel in a situation and who, when it comes to something like separation and divorce, broken marriage, the typical, you know, the typical responses in trauma is we say it's fight flight or freeze.
And, and there is no way to fight it, right? Like because we're not even part of the, the breakup really, you know, we're not, we're not the mother, we're not the father. Right. We're not the husband, we're not the wife. So, so they're breaking up from each other and there's no way we can, we can fight that. No way we can, nothing we can do to stop it.
There's no way we can flee it either. Right. There's we can try to avoid and escape kind of from the idea of it or thinking about it, but it doesn't doesn't change the facts of the situation. So I think what most people end up doing is freezing, which is kind of that deer in the headlights kind of mode, where we feel that particular sense of.
Helplessness. There's nothing I can do to fight it. Nothing I can do to flee it. I can't change the situation. And so we, we just kind of brace for impact, you know, kind of, so to speak, if you're thinking about it, like what we would do in a car accident, when there's no way we can swerve to avoid the, you know, the car coming at us or something, things that are handled in that way, they tend to be particularly like leaving a lot of like depressive kind of symptoms.
When, when things are the free state is, as the trauma continues to be experienced, like it's still going on that free state particularly tends to be experienced down the road as depression. So I think, um, I think those are some of, some of the reasons also think particularly cause connection is like, you know, like I said before, what we're wired for and that's kind of the most fundamental connection that we're supposed to have, the way the.
Human family has been designed is there's for a person to come into the world and it needs to be a, a mother and a father and to, to bring this little life in. And so when there's a fraction in that connection, it goes against everything that we're made for, you know? Yeah. So seeing that, like that connection, that, that relationship that's supposed to really teaches about connection when that one, that, that one is like so crucial to the destructiveness.
Absolutely. Um, I also think there's something like, I think there's something to, it's not just like the person, you know, the, the person who's the child in the, um, in the family. It's not just like, they're not get getting taken care of. Sadly. I mean, that would be bad enough, of course, but sadly, a lot of times what I see is they're actually relied upon to take care of the parents or one of the parent and that.
That's kind of backwards, right? That's totally backwards from, from how it's supposed to be. And it's an, it's an awful lot of responsibility and none of the power, there's a story of, um, a boy where he was, uh, just, I think, 13, 14 years old. And, uh, his mom left, his mom just stopped and left, but his dad was just so debilitated by the mom leaving.
And so that child dropped outta school. He started doing everything the mom would do like cooking and cleaning and taking care of everything around the house. Wow. And so he literally, as, as a boy, he stepped into this parent role, not just taking care of the house mm-hmm but also being emotionally there for his dad.
Mm-hmm and we see this all, all the time, Margaret, like in the young people, we were it's yeah. They're filling roles. They were never meant to fill sometime often out of necessity. And, uh, man, it's, it's so sad and it is damaging. It may not. Look like that, you know, right away. But, uh, but down the road, it can be very damaging, especially in your relationship with that parent, which of course we all want good relationships with our parents and it can be really harmful down the road we've learned.
Oh yeah, for sure. Yeah, absolutely. I, I totally agree with that. And it has, I can tell you from, you know, working with adults cuz I, you know, my, my, the people, I treat's a mix of, of kids and adult and. and in working with adults, it has long lasting ramifications. You know, it's not something that once they're outta that situation, it's over.
And I think if you put it in terms of connection, a lot of times, the, the message they've taken away is, is that that's how they have to earn their value. And because they don't feel valued until they step into that role, because they, that they can see like really quickly, like, oh, if I do this, I help dad feel better or I help mom feel better.
And so then they, you know, maybe perhaps like, because of their own pain and depression, whichever parent or parents, aren't really engaging with them, you know, and their. Uh, kind of more kind of withdrawn or, or whatever the case might be. Right. And so mm-hmm but the kid takes away the message. Oh, if I do this, they like me.
If I do this, they appreciate me more if I do this. And so, so it's a real, yeah, it's a real detrimental message for a person to take on that. They have to earn their value, particularly by, by doing something that's like such a roll reversal. Right? No, that makes so much sense. And there's so much to say on that topic alone.
I, I just wanted to mention though that for sure, for, for any parents listening, who may be like freaking out right now, um, there, you, you play such a crucial role in helping your kids handle that the trauma handle that the messy situation, there is some research that we've seen that says basically if that child has a good relationship, a healthy relationship with one or both parents, they're much less likely to experience loneliness, to experience depression, to experience anxiety.
And so parents listening right now, uh, you play a huge role. We often hear how things go wrong. And, and there is a lot of that when people come from a broken family, no doubt. Um, but you can play a crucial role in helping in helping your children heal. So lot, lot more on that than, I guess we could talk about it in this conversation, but would you, um, add anything to kind of, why is divorce.
Separation so unique. Is there anything that makes it different than other types of trauma aside from the things you've already mentioned? No. I think just kind of looking back at, you know, again, to reiterate looking at the, at the family unit and that's like supposed to be our first school of, of connection really.
Right. And it really ends up teaching us how to even connect to ourself and how to connect to God and how to connect to others. And so it it's because it's like that, that primary place where we would get those lessons. Absolutely. And the research we've seen and mark, you've probably seen the same stuff, says that the, the biggest area of our lives that we are impacted by our parents' divorce is our own relationship, specifically our romantic relationships.
And we talk about that a lot in the show. Yeah. But it makes so much sense based on everything you just. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Mark. You didn't just learn this stuff in a book. That's one of the things that I think is so impressive about you, you've been through a lot in your own life years ago, you were on the brink of suicide.
If you're willing to talk about that a little bit, what happened? What's your story? I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. My parents did not divorce or separate, but it was at least physically right. So I, I do think there are people who fall into that category. Right? Absolutely. So there's this, like, there's this incredible disconnect and rift and, and that kind of thing.
So you you're experienced disconnection on day in and day out, but, but without the official divorce or separation. So there was a lot of, lot of dysfunction on pretty much every level. And so ended up running away from home when I was 17, um, came to thankfully came to Franciscan university, right outta high school.
And it was, it was a great place. To come cause it was probably one of the safest places I could have come. And it was, yeah, it, I didn't know I was gonna come here until two weeks before school started when I was a freshman, I just kinda, I needed to figure something out and go somewhere. So I applied and was accepted financial aid, worked through, you know, worked out and I was on a plane heading to Ohio.
And, um, nobody warned me about how cold it is in Ohio. Cause it was not cold in south Georgia but ended up but ended up up here and like really thankfully. So, but that wasn't really the end of the story, you know, that was just kind of the beginning. There was a lot of just kind of trying to sort out what in the, what in the world and, and all, you know, what in the word I had been through and still all the while living out of my own trauma, which just led to more drama and more trauma.
And so it wasn't until I was finally at, uh, by the time I was 33 years old, I had been in counseling for 16 years. I had been. Misdiagnosed bipolar. I had been hospitalized twice on like every medication under the sun and everybody was just kind of stumped what to do with me. And I was really, really under functioning and I knew I couldn't hold down a job because I was so morbidly depressed.
And so I thought, okay, well, school was always easy for me. So I'll, I'll get a master's degree cause that'll help me buy some time to try to figure me out. Cause clearly I was, I was stumping the professionals and um, of the master's programs that Franciscan had at the time master's in counseling program is what interested me for the obvious reason of trying to figure myself out.
Right. Mm-hmm and so, but it, I, so I went into the master's in counseling program, never with the intention of becoming a therapist. Never. That was not my intention. I was just trying to buy time and halfway through the master's in counseling program. I. Really coming apart at the seams and the therapist, I was seeing recommended that I go through the method of treatment that then kind of changed over all of these years into the way I practiced it, but went through it and it was night and day different.
It was intensive outpatient trauma treatment. And I went from, you know, the past, the 18 months prior to going through it, I had been. Imminently suicidal, just like every day and night, all day and night, my thoughts would just kind of always go to, to suicide and, and as sad and as disturbing as it sounds, that was actually kind of, my, my most hopeful thought was suicide because it kind of felt like my parachute, you know, because I had no hope for, for ever feeling anything else, because I had felt that way for, from really from the time I was 17, just so, so, so depressed and so intensely anxious and thought in good conscience.
I can't become a therapist because I don't believe it worked and went down. I went through this method of treatment, the clinic's closed now, but it went through it back then. And it was just day of night difference after intensive treatment. And so I, that kinda, that sold me on it. And it wasn't, it wasn't really the, the end, you know, it was like this silver bullet kind of thing, but it definitely, I, I didn't feel depressed anymore.
Didn't feel suicidal anymore. Didn't feel anxious anymore. And I definitely had the. The tools and the insight I needed to really begin to connect to me and then to connect to, to others, more healthily and to grow in my relationship with, with the Lord was connecting to him. So it was kind of this, it was just like an enormous portion of, of my own journey.
Also, honestly, there was a lot physiological that, that I ended up getting help with from chiropractor nutritionist in the area here, who we both know Dr. Mara, and the reason being that trauma actually takes a toll on your body and stress happens somewhere. Right? And it happens in these, these things we live in, right.
That's where the anxiety takes place when the depression takes place. And it really takes its own its wear and tear honest physiologically. So that was a big component of my healing as well. Wow. Besides my, besides my faith journey. Cause so I kind of had this like emotional, physical, and very and spiritual like aspects of the healing kind of, and I've always.
Really kind of emphasize that with clients, like you really have to go at it body, mind and spirit because that's how we're made. Yeah. You can't compartmentalize. We have to treat the person. No, you really can't. Yeah, for sure. I love that. Wow. What incredible story. And now you're helping other people who, you know, are going through trauma.
Who've been through trauma who are trying to, to process it, deal with it. Uh, tell, tell us a little about the, the therapy that you practiced, the model that you practiced and why, why is it so effective? So I, so, like I said, the model as I went through it, if. Changed. I added it up at one point, probably about 14 or 15 things over the years, trying to make it more, more efficient and more effective.
And mm-hmm and kind of more holistic. And so, so the, as I practice it, I refer to it as NRI, which stands for neuro reformatting and integration. So the neuro part is actually moving, moving. We try where files are stored in the brain. Or if you look at it kinda like reformatting those files, this is the way that they've become encoded instead of being experienced, like they're still going on.
Once we've processed them, they're actually able to be experienced like they're in the past. Which is really that's, that's the most effective part of the whole thing, because then it actually enables the person to be able to feel like a whole person instead of feeling like, okay, well there's part of me, that's carrying these terrible things I went through when I was four.
And these things that I went through when I was 12 and these things that I would turn on 15, you know, whatever ages like these particularly traumatic events happened. Because they continue to be experienced. Like they're still going on. They can really kind of leave us feeling diced up into all these different kind of ages that we were when the things happened.
But once the events are experienced, like they're in the past, then there's able to be like integration within the person. So we feel whole, instead of that sense of, of kind of this brokenness, you know, and, and I think, I think a lot of people who've been, been through trauma can kind of relate to that, you know, kind of feeling.
Like they're a little kid in an adult body and being expected to engage with an adult world, you know, and they're expected to act like adults and they, they don't even feel like an adult, even though they're in their mid thirties, you know, or, or mid twenties, you know, or whatever the case might be.
That's why it's so effective is because, and that's also why it can be done in intensive format. So in a week you can get the, all of these things addressed. You don't need a week or two weeks in between hourly sessions to kind of mull over what was talked about in the last session. And that kind of thing.
I, I always say, if it's easier for you to look at the kind of treatment I do as physical therapy for the brings, then that really kind of makes sense. Right? So, because I'll give you like a good example of like how physiological this is, this is kinda, this is kinda crazy. But during those two weeks that I went through, um, through trauma treatment, my hair turned to tiny little curls.
And stayed like that for the next year and a half. And wow. Um, which is one of the things that kept, you know, the, the body, mind spirit kind of approach, like literally in my face, right? Like anytime I look in the mirror, it was literally in my face and I was talking to my doctor about it and saying like, isn't that crazy?
And he said, well, it makes sense because when you're moving, where things are stored in the brain, it shifts up hormones. And a lot of times, you know, hormones have to do with will effect if a person's hair is curly or straight, like, example, for example, like when women get pregnant or have babies, you know, a lot of times their hair, if they have curl, they'll lose curl, or, um, if they don't have curly hair, they might get curly hair.
So yes, it's kinda it's that biological, you know, kind of shift that makes it so effective. It's, it's not, it's not just trying to get the person to think about it in a think about whatever the traumatic events were in a different light for like a short period of time that then they wouldn't be able to sustain.
You're actually kind of like. Changing how it's stored in the brain. Wow, incredible. It's like you're doing, you're reorganizing their brain, so to speak. Yeah. Which causes the, you know, the symptoms they talked about before it causes those things to go away, you know? So the limbic system's able to calm down.
So the neocortex is able to do, um, in the prefrontal cortex, more of what it's meant to do. So this kind of stuff we call executive functioning. So prioritizing and being organized and, and problem solving. You know, if I do this, wait, that's gonna happen. So I wanna make this choice instead, you know, making better choices, the person's able to from a calmer place and approach things.
More peace and clarity. Wow. Incredible. And Margaret, I wanted to ask you, so when someone comes to work with you, they're, you know, coming to your, um, clinic for a week, uh, what does that week look like? What's the agenda? Like what sort of, uh, exercises do they go through? Like, could you demystify that a little bit?
Like what process do you follow in leading people through this therapy? Sure. So the first part, even before they come to know if they're appropriate for this method of treatment is kind of, uh, a set amount of form and call the history and goals, questionnaire. And so I, I get their history, so I know if they're appropriate for treatment and, and to know if the goals.
That they're looking to attain. If, you know, if you, if they make sense given this treatment, if this is a good fit for that. And then if it is when they come for that week, they stay in the local area. It's outpatient treatment. So they just come for sessions from in the morning and in the, and or in the afternoon, depending on what their schedule is, what they're set up with, what kind of their need is.
And then on Monday kind of do an intake that gives us a lot bigger picture of, um, kind of that context of their life, because we've gotten the real specific information on that history and goals, questionnaire. And then I, I like to educate people on. Trauma, a lot of the, kind of the stuff we're talking about and the effects on the brain and the reason being that the more they can understand how the things they've been through are affecting them.
I think a lot of times it takes away some of the shame and the self blame and that kind of stuff. And it, it actually, a lot of times people will go, oh, well, if this is what you're saying, that maybe I should tell you this. And they'll start sharing with me. Things that, that very much would kind of fall into the trauma category also, and really important for me to know.
So I always look at. Like whoever the person is I'm working with. We are the treatment team for the week because I might be the expert on trauma, but they're the expert on them. So kinda look at getting them caught up to my information and me caught up to them so that we can kind of go at things together.
And then throughout the week, we kind of take things through the neurore reformatting and integration process of this reformatting, these, you know, these memory files, which is actually done through a directed use of art therapy. So there's a lot of art therapy and if there're really little kids play therapy that goes into it, um, a lot of different parts and pieces of that.
And then kind of everything through one of the main things, that's different about how. Practicing these days, that's so different than anything I've done before is it's all through the perspective of connection, because I really want people to finish, not just, um, you know, finish the week up, not just available for connection, but understanding what healthy connection looks like, and then what the steps are they need to take in order to grow and deeper connection to themselves, you know, or others or the Lord, if they're Christian.
So that kind of has a lot to do with, with wrap up and kind of helping them be in a lot better spot for, for being vaed going forward. Because for myself, like that was not how treatment was when I went through it. So sadly I went through treatment, it was enormously helpful, but then I got out just like, okay, ready for connection, but had no idea that that was kind of part of all, what all of this stuff getting cleared up outta my life was kind of positioning me for and didn't have any idea how to navigate healthy connection.
Cause I hadn't experienced that. Wow. So that's become kind of really. What I'd say is like profoundly different about how I practice these days. Incredible. No, it, it sounds super effective. And I know you've helped a lot of people. What are some of the transformations that you've seen? Gosh, there's, there's so many stories I wanna tell you about this, which actually this is not a commercial break, but there a lot of the book that I wrote serious, this is true.
A lot of the book that I wrote, like kind of goes through some of those because there they were such learning experiences. For me. Right. I was like shocked. As I continued to see, like these dramatic changes, whether they be like physically or emotionally or, or behaviorally, a lot of times, you know, with kids, you'll see like major behavior changes.
So one of the physical ones that comes to mind readily was working with somebody. I'll tell you this one. So, so this was a young adult I was working with and this person had all of these physiological symptoms. And so with colorblind, they could feel, you know, sense of TA or of touch, but they said everything, they felt felt like they had gloves on.
And, um, they had a really dull sense of smell. And so a really dull sense of taste. They were getting migraines like all the time. They had been hospitalized for a migraine once for two months, just, just crazy. I can't even imagine my goodness. They had had a really hard time learning to read and also with a really hard time learning math when they were little.
And so they came for treatment. Oh, this person also, their, their coloring looked really bad, like really pale sickly and very, it was a, it was a, a guy and he was very much like underweight kind of sickly looking and all of those symptoms through the week of treatment, all of those symptoms went away. All of those color, like everything I just named all the symptoms went away, started being able to sound words out, started being able to, to you went home, asked his mom what's the deal with fractions.
And she sat down. She said, I sat down and like explained fractions to him, like for the hundredth time. And he's been sitting around doing math for fun for the last three days. Wow. That's the biggest transformation. Sorry, doing master reports. I think that's diagnosable, but that's OK. um, yeah. And then like in the six months after treatment, he grew three inches and put on 40 pounds that he very much needed to put on cuz he was just like so sickly and, and stopped getting migraines.
So, um, yeah, so, so that's just like, it, it, so cause of that, like be because of like having all those symptoms before growing up, he just saw himself kind of like as a person who couldn't do things like, right. Like, like not capable. And so he, he hadn't tried a lot of things, even though he was 20 or 21 years old, he didn't have his driver's license.
Didn't have a job, was living with his parents. Hadn't gone to college. He he'd actually never stayed overnight at their house by himself before. I mean, there was just a lot of things cause he felt really incapable, you know, and all of those things changed. Right. So he ended up kind of. Con like constantly like trying more things and doing more things and then having success, doing those things.
And then it really shifted how he saw himself. And so, so as you, you kind of see that a lot of times, whatever the person's, you know, whatever the symptoms are that you see change up, you see. That it, it kind of becomes evident that a lot of times before treatment people see their symptoms as who they are instead of how they're doing.
And after treatment, like once the symptoms are gone and then the person's able to get, oh, that's just how I was doing. That's not who I, who I am or who I was. Right. And so then they engage with the world and others, like in a lot different way, which is a lot greater degree of freedom. Incredible. Wow, what a sword and I'm sure you have so many more in the book guys.
Uh . There's there's so many more I can hear you I'm sure. No, I'm sure. So the book that Margaret mentioned, everyone, uh, it's more than words, the freedom to thrive after trauma, you could pick that up on Amazon. I'll tell you, uh, at the end, how you can, can buy that if, if you'd like, but wow. One incredible story.
And uh, maybe one day we'll have you back just to tell stories of transformation. That's incredible. if I can tell you, I'll tell you those two. There's a, um, please, there's a manuscript. I just finished. I did it over, wrote it over when the pandemic lockdown happened. Cuz I thought I would lose my mind if I was locked in here by myself.
and so I, I started writing a book. Connection. And so it's all about connection to God's self and others, and just like putting the finishing passes on that. So that should be coming out in the next month or so hopefully incredible. Uh, we'll make sure to link that in the show notes when that does come out.
So man, thank you for, for mentioning that. I, I had no idea that you were working on another book. Gotta do something to stay outta trouble. Joey, there you go. mark. I just wanna in closing up the show, I just wanna ask you, uh, people, you know, are hearing all this and they're thinking, man, this sounds so good.
Uh, you know, I need to heal. I want to heal, uh, but maybe I can't start the week long therapy right now. What's one thing that they can do right now from home in order to, to start that healing process. You know, this might sound like super simplistic, but I, I think it's like profoundly important and I think everybody could stand to grow in this and, and that would just be being compassionate to ourselves to themself.
Cause I think that's, that's like so key, like the more compassionate we are to ourself, whether that means respecting our own boundaries and not attributing our value to, to our performance or our looks or, you know, whatever, whatever kind of external factor, not beating ourselves up. Um, not putting ourselves down, that kind of thing.
I think that's really kind of that begins that shift. I think because we, we talk to ourselves far more than we spend time talking to anybody else in that constant kind of commentary we can have running in our head. So making that conscious effort to begin practicing compassion to ourselves really kind of go, can go a long way to the integration of the person when, whenever they are able to end up getting help from somebody on the outside.
But it really, um, stands in stark contrast. A lot of times to the messages that we've been sent in traumatic experiences. So I say self-compassion is, is, is huge. Absolutely. No, I I've seen that be, um, really fruit in my own life and then the lives of the people and swords audience that, that we've worked with, cuz yeah man, if we were to like write out or listen to the way that we talk to ourselves, we, a lot of us would just be complete jerk.
Because we're just so unkind and so mean to ourselves. So I think, uh, it it's great advice. And one of the things that a lot of people, uh, benefit from hearing is that it's okay not to be okay. It's okay to absolutely to go through something difficult. And, uh, just like you would treat another person who is going through a really hard time.
You need to treat yourself the same. And so not. I love that advice, Margaret, and I just wanna give you a chance to what encouragement, what advice would you give to someone who, who really is in a tough spot? Who, who feels broken, who feels hopeless, who maybe feels stuck, especially because of the messiness in their family.
Like you mentioned, maybe their parents are still together, but things are really dysfunctional or maybe their parents just separate, or their parents have been divorced for a. What advice and encouragement would you, would you give to them? Yeah, well, I like first and foremost, I would say there's always hope.
There's always hope. And, and I, and I would say, you know, to look at your symptoms as how you're doing, not who you are, because they're really not. And, and you know, it, it's all passing. Like it's all passing it's and yet when we're in the middle of it, it can feel like we're gonna feel like that way forever, but that's really not the truth.
So I say there's, there's always hope and you're not the sum total of your symptoms. Beautiful. And how can people learn more about you? How could they follow you? Get your books, learn about your practice. Yeah. Yes, they can. Um, they can follow me on my, or come to my website@culture-of-connection.com and the book is available on Amazon.
So they can either put in my name Margaret Vasquez, or they can put in more than words, the freedom to thrive after trauma. If they come to my website, culture of connection.com, they can sign up to receive emails and say, they'll get updated when the next book is out. And that kind of thing. And blog posts and stuff.
Excellent. And guys will make sure to throw that all in the show notes to make it easy for you, Margaret, thank you so much for your time for expertise and for just your heart, uh, you know, your willingness to, to help people and the heart you have for, for them. So really appreciate you taking time to, to do this with us.
Yeah, absolutely. Thank you, Joey. And just wanna say, I like God bless you and your ministry just really appreciate what you do.
There's so much to say after an episode like that, so many takeaways, but just a few one, I would say don't minimize the negative experiences that you've been through in life. Like Margaret said, a lot of times people say couldn't have been worse and we kinda just write things off as normal or thinking, well, it could have been worse.
A lot of other people go through a lot of worse things in their lives and sure. Maybe it could have been worse, but the fact that it shouldn't have been that. The fact that it should have been different is enough to be hurt by it. And so we really can't minimize those negative experiences in our lives.
We really owe it to ourselves to, to reflect on them, to think about how we've been damaged and then to make an effort to heal. Another excellent point that Margaret made was it really matters how helpless we felt during those negative experiences to put it. In other words, the more helpless you feel during a painful experience, the more impactful it is on you.
And so that's a great question to really reflect on is how helpless did I feel during these bad things that have happened in my life. And then you can kind of draw a line between those bad things that happened, how helpless you felt and the things maybe you struggle with today and how it has affected you over the years.
So something really good to reflect on today, or at some point, this. In for anyone listening, who's maybe trying to help a friend who's going through something tough right now, or just someone you care about someone you lead. Perhaps it's so important that we meet people where they are. I love the story that Margaret told about her little nephew with the dogs and how she kind of handled that whole thing.
And what she said was, yeah, we have to meet people where they are. We need to be empathetic. We need to put ourselves in their shoes, not telling them how to feel or trying to cheer them up, but really going to them in the low place that they're at right now. And so you can say things. That must have been really difficult, or that must be scary, like Margaret said.
And I've found that when you take that approach with helping people, it usually goes so much further. And on the receiving end, I've been on the receiving end as well. It's so much better when someone comes to you with that attitude than if they come to you with the attitude of like, I'm gonna try to fix you, or you just need to get over there.
So you just need to feel better. There's so much more that we can say, but if you wanna pick up Margaret's book more than words is the title. You can buy that on Amazon or wherever you buy books. Uh, we'll throw a link in the show notes. If you wanna buy the book that way you can just click on that and you can buy the book.
We'll also add her new book that's coming out in the show notes once that is released, and those show notes can be found@restoredministry.com slash 37. Again, that's restored ministry.com. Ministries is to singular slash 37 3 7. Thank you so much for listening. And this has been useful. Please subscribe and share this episode with someone that you know, who could use it.
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Confident people still feel fear. The difference is how they respond to it. Fear, anxiety, and discomfort don’t necessarily mean you’re weak, unprepared, or on the wrong path. In fact, trying to suppress those emotions can make them even stronger.