Holidays after your parents' divorce can be exhausting. Between trying to keep both parents happy, juggling family gatherings, dealing with guilt, and navigating uncomfortable conversations, it's easy to dread Christmas or Thanksgiving instead of enjoying them.
I've been there. Since my parents divorced, I've experienced the stress of disappointing both parents, the sadness of missing old family traditions, and the pressure of trying to make everyone happy.
But over the years, I've learned some things that have made the holidays much easier.
In this episode, I share five practical ways to make the holidays less stressful and more enjoyable.
You'll learn:
Why you're not responsible for keeping both parents happy
How to prepare for difficult emotions and family drama
How to set healthy boundaries without damaging relationships
What to say when your parents are disappointed with your plans
How to find joy and create new traditions, even if your family is broken
If you're dreading the holidays because your parents are divorced, separated, or your family is dysfunctional, this episode is for you.
FREE RESOURCE:
I've put together a free holiday guide with practical planning tools and ready-to-use communication templates to help you navigate the holidays with less stress and conflict.
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
Joey Pontarelli (00:00)
Holidays after your parents get divorced are hard. Here are five ways to make them easier. Now, as you know, the holidays can bring up a lot of pressure to keep both parents happy, exhaustion from attending so many parties, maybe guilt about disappointing someone like your mom or your dad, or grief over the family and traditions that you wish you still had that were there maybe when your family was together. And you might also feel like you have to pretend that everything is okay, like you have to walk on eggshells or
Plan everything yourself because your mom and your dad can't communicate. And so there's a lot of challenges, but let's get practical. Here are five things you can do to make the holidays easier. The first thing is stop trying to fix or please everyone. You can't make everyone happy. You can't repair your parents' marriage. You can't eliminate all conflict. You can't make every family member happy.
with your holiday plans. And trying to do that is gonna just leave you exhausted. It might even leave you resentful or feeling like you failed. Uh even when you did everything possible. You did everything that you should do. One Christmas, I remember both of my parents being really unhappy with me and my siblings. We tried to spend time with both of them, but we ended up spending a more time with one parent. And the parent who got the short end of the stick felt like it was unfair. The other parent
even question though why would we even want to spend time with that other parent who got the short end of the sick at all. And it led to both being really unhappy. And that left me honestly feeling really angry and stressed. And I tried to keep both happy, but in the end, neither was. And so here's something I wish I understood sooner. You can love your parents without being responsible for their happiness. You're obviously responsible for your own choices and how you treat people, but you're not responsible for making sure
Nobody gets upset or disappointed. And so you may need to say things like, Mom, Dad, I love you, but I can't be in two places at once. Or I understand that this is disappointing, but this is what I'm able to do. Mom, I'll spend this day with you. Dad, I'll spend this day with you. And remember, just because someone is disappointed with your decision doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. The second way to make the holidays easier is to prepare for the stress and the emotions. If you know that the holidays are usually stressful.
Don't hope that this year will magically be different. Instead, anticipate that it will likely be like it has been before. Prepare for that. And so think about what usually happens, what usually triggers you during the holidays. Is it seeing your parents' new partner, maybe being around step siblings or relatives that you barely know, or maybe avoiding certain conversations, watching your parents interact, whatever it might be. Also think about the emotions that may come up within you during this time of the year, sadness,
anger, guilt, loneliness, anxiety, dread, grief, whatever emotion, and then decide ahead of time what you'll do when those emotions show up. During one holiday I remember feeling a literally a pit in my stomach because the reality of how broken my family was just hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt sad, not only for me and my siblings, but also for my parents. You know, the holidays I remember as a kid used to be really exciting, peaceful, relaxing.
And now they just felt like a reminder of how messed up my family was. And to make matters worse, I remember certain relatives making comments about the other parent who wasn't present, which left me feeling uh a bit cornered and even ticked off. Now, as the years pass, I learned that unfortunately those feelings and conversations were were likely to happen. And instead of being caught off guard, kind of hoping for the best, I needed to prepare for them. But let's say you maybe you don't prepare.
And you end up in a situation like that where you're cornered or there's a difficult conversation, there's a conflict. Like what can you do? Um, you might take a walk, you might step outside, you might call a friend, you might listen to music, say a prayer if you're religious, or give yourself just like 10 minutes alone, kind of a timeout. And don't feel like you have to pretend that everything is fine when it's not. If something is painful or awkward, it's okay to admit that, at least to yourself or maybe someone you trust, like a close friend or mentor. Taking care of yourself in those moments is not selfish.
When it helps you treat other people with patience and respect, which can be hard to do this time of the year. But one word of caution: don't completely isolate yourself. Like it's okay to take a time out. Sometimes you need a break, sometimes you need a breather from people, but withdrawing from everyone consistently can actually make the loneliness worse. I'm sure you know this. So make plans to be with people who love you and who are good for you. The third way to make the holidays easier is to plan ahead and set boundaries.
Do not wait until everyone is arguing to decide where you'll be and what you'll do. Create a really basic plan. It does not need to be complicated. Decide which parent you'll see, when you'll see them, how long you'll stay, and what you're gonna do if the situation kind of spirals and becomes unhealthy. And that might sound like a lot, but putting like 10 minutes into it now, even though it's uncomfortable, is gonna save you a lot of heartache. And for some families, this may mean spending, you know, Thanksgiving with one parent and Christmas with the other. For others, it might mean splitting the day.
But often the healthiest choice is attending one party instead of trying to do two or three in one day, which can be just exhausting. Now, if your parents can't communicate with each other, you might be the one stuck figuring everything out. And maybe you've been doing this since you were a kid. And frankly, that's a responsibility that you should have never had to carry. And it really upsets me. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that. But if your situation today is like that, having a plan.
can help you avoid some unnecessary stress and conflict. Because again, often we wait until the last minute to do these things and then everything is so much more heightened. A friend of mine shared with me how after attending like three parties, I think on Thanksgiving, he, his wife and his kids were driving home exhausted when they finally decided like, no more of this, like we are never going to do that again to themselves, to their kids. And now they only do one party per holiday. And they often have family just come to them, especially because they have kids.
But perhaps you're not that far ahead in life, you're not married, you don't kids. If you're younger and your parents are making these decisions for you, maybe you live at home, you might not have much say in the plan, but you still, even in those situations, can communicate how you're feeling, you can ask for what you need and find healthy ways to handle those often difficult situations, even if they don't end perfectly. And so boundaries might sound like, mom, I'd rather not discuss that particular topic with you or
I don't want to do this, but I'm going to have to leave if this conversation becomes disrespectful. Or, you know, I could stay for two hours at this party, but I can't stay all day. It's gonna sound different depending on your situation, but just remember that boundaries aren't about controlling or punishing people. They're about deciding what you will and won't do. And they're actually good for you. And not just for you, they're good for the other person and the relationship. Because if there's no boundaries, then often it can feel like someone else is taking advantage of you. It can feel like maybe they're harming you. And you end up resenting them and want to
probably push them away. And so boundaries really protect everyone involved. And one thing so many of us feel is that spending time with one parent and not the other is kind of a betrayal of the parent that we're not with. And so please remember that's not the case. It's not, you're not betraying mom if you spend time with dad. You're not betraying dad if you spend time with mom. Now once you know what you're willing and able to do around a particular holiday, the next step is communicating that plan clearly. And that's the fourth way to make the holidays easier. Communicate the plan.
And I'll be honest with you, communicating my plans to my parents has been difficult at times. They're often unhappy, even if they don't say that outright, they might hint at it. And I get it. Like they wish they had more time with me, my family, or me and my siblings. But even when they've been unhappy, I've tried to remind them that, hey, I'm trying to do the best I can. I'm trying to juggle all of these things and it's not an easy thing to do. And so I've learned that communicating early and clearly is way better than communicating late
And vaguely, which can lead to even more stress and tension. And it all this has taught me that you can still be respectful and loving towards your parents while still putting boundaries up while still saying no to them in certain situations. And their disappointment may be real, but is not automatically your responsibility to fix it. And another thing that helped me is that if someone makes an unreasonable request, like your mom or your dad, you can simply ask the question, like, how am I supposed to do that? Like how am I supposed to be in two places at once? And
That's kind of a simple question, but it can help the other person realize that what they're asking of you might not be reasonable. And so you don't need to communicate perfectly. You only need to communicate honestly, respectfully, and clearly. And again, if you do that early on, it's gonna be less stressful and less headache than communicating last minute. But if you do find yourself where you're communicating late or kind of last minute, that's okay. Just do your best to communicate really clearly. And even if people are upset, at least they know your boundaries.
And the fifth way to make the holidays easier is to let yourself enjoy the holidays again. The holidays may not look the way they did before your family fell apart. Uh you may be grieving some of the old traditions that you had that you loved. you may be grieving the loss of like family gatherings or maybe that sense of safety and warmth that you wish your family still had, which has has been gone. It's lost, it's really sad. It's okay to grieve that. You lost something big, you lost something important, and and that's a serious thing. And so don't minimize, don't pretend that didn't happen.
I did, it's a heavy thing and you deserve the right to grieve that. At the same time, just because the holidays aren't what you wish that they were, doesn't mean that they can't be good. It doesn't mean that they can't be enjoyable and joyful. And so before I was married, I remember experiencing a ton of joy by spending time with my siblings and my cousins on the holidays. I remember, you know, playing games, eating good food, and just having a a great time with them. And now that I'm married with kids, um, it's so good to spend time with them. Like I love spending the holidays with my kids especially.
because you know, just seeing like the the joy and the magic in their eyes is it's just amazing. It feels kinda like reliving it myself. And the peace that I missed, you know, all those years has kind of come back to the holidays for me. And so even if you're not in that spot, go ahead and create some new traditions. Spend time with friends if you can't be with family, uh serve someone lonely, maybe cook a meal for them, uh watch a movie with your friends, go outside, pray if you're religious, focus on the deeper meaning of the holiday and give yourself permission.
To enjoy the simple pleasures and the good moments, even if other parts of the holidays are painful and lost. And overall, like don't put your life on hold waiting for your parents or your family situation to change, to become better. You can start making the holidays and the rest of your life better now, even if your family situation never improves. And if you want more help navigating the holidays after your parents' divorce or if your family's really dysfunctional, we put together a free guide that you can download. It's in the
show notes below that includes really practical planning tools and even some communication templates and you can kind of copy and paste and customize to send to your parents and you can use all of that this holiday season. And so remember, even if you didn't come from a healthy family, make sure a healthy family comes from you and you can start by making the holidays what you wish they would have been for you growing up.
Joey Pontarelli (11:19)
That wraps up this episode. If this podcast has helped you, feel free to subscribe and rate or review the show. You'll avoid missing future episodes and help us reach more people. And in closing, always remember you are not doomed to repeat your family's dysfunction. You can break that cycle and build a better life. And we are here to help. And keep in mind the words of C.S. Lewis who said, You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.
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