#110: 10 Ways to Make Therapy Fail or Succeed for You | Clare Eckard

If there were 10 things you can do to make therapy succeed (or fail), would you want to know them? I know I would. 

In this episode, a therapist joins us to share those tips, plus: 

• The goal of therapy and the temptation to idealize healing

• A tool for dealing with troubling thoughts

• The struggle to put words to your own emotions and experiences of brokenness

If you’ve ever been to therapy and it hasn’t gone well or you’re considering therapy but you’re unsure how to make it successful, this episode is for you.

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TRANSCRIPT

Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!

There are 10 things that you can do or not do in order to make therapy succeed or fail. And in this episode, we're going to break those down with my guest who is a therapist. Plus we talk about the goal of therapy and our tendency to idolize healing. We also talk about a simple tool that you can use.

My guest shares a simple tool that you can use to deal with troubling thoughts. We also talk about how all of us experienced that struggle of. Putting into words, our emotions and our wounds. You're also just gonna get some really awesome quotes from this episode. And we also talk about what to do if you're dealing with a situation where you're not happy with your current therapist.

And so if you've ever been to therapy and it didn't go very well, or maybe you're considering going to therapy and you wanna make the most of it, this episode is for you. You're really gonna benefit from the content in it. And so stay with us.

Welcome to The Restored Podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents divorce, separation, or broken marriage, so you can feel whole again and break the cycle.

I'm your host, Joey Panarelli, and this is episode 110. We're so thrilled that so many of you have found this podcast helpful, and even healing, for tons of feedback. Graciela said this, she said, Just listen to the podcast, man, it's great. I hope many young people will listen. I wish I would have had resources like this.

When I was growing up, Karen said this, she said, what an excellent podcast. I've listened to three episodes so far, and I can relate to so much of this. There's so much isolation with being a child of divorce. And I feel I've found a community with this podcast. Again, we're so happy that we've been able to guide you to help you in your journey.

And if you want to tell us how we've been able to help you, we'd love to hear it. Just go to restored ministry. Again, restored ministry. com slash testimony, or just click on the link in the show notes. My guest today is Claire Eckerd. Claire is a psychotherapist with a master's degree in clinical mental health counseling from Franciscan University of Steubenville with two concentrations, crisis and trauma counseling and Christian counseling.

She works at St. Raphael Counseling with teens and adults presenting with various mental health questions. struggles. Uh, the team of therapists at St. Raphael Counseling serves individuals ages four and up, as well as couples, families across the front range area of Colorado with telehealth and in person options.

Uh, St. Raphael Counseling also provides testing for students who may have a learning attention or autism spectrum disorder. And so in this episode, we do talk about God and faith. And if you don't believe in God, you're totally welcome here. Anyone who's been listening to this podcast for a while knows.

That this is not a strictly religious podcast. And so wherever you're at, I'm glad that you're here. If you don't believe in God, again, if you were to take out the God parts, if you're going to take out the faith parts, you're still going to benefit from this episode. And so my challenge to you would be just listen with an open mind.

And again, I know you're going to benefit from it. And so with that, here's my chat with Claire.

Claire, it's so good to have you on the show. Welcome. Thank you so much. It's an honor, honor to be here. Likewise, honored to have you. I want to go into your backstory a little bit, but starting out, I'm just curious. Why did you become a therapist? Mm, million dollar question. Um, yeah, so it really was a calling, which like, In faith terms is like, yeah, that movement in my heart for, um, God, just wanting to use my talents in this way and that passion to serve others in this way.

And it really took a few years to take the leap to go to grad school. Cause I was honestly kind of intimidated by it. Um, and just the ideas in my head of what I thought it would be like, but the doors just kept opening. So here I am, and I'm really happy. Beautiful. I love it. And tell me a little bit about your training and maybe the type of therapy that you do now.

So you went to my alma mater, Franciscan University for grad school. Is that right? Yeah. And yeah, it's a clinical mental health counseling program is what it's called. Um, so we're accredited by the state. Um, and then we're also a Catholic university. It's actually Kind of the only in person Catholic, like, authentically Catholic university that has this kind of program.

Um, which is why I chose it. Um, and they also had a concentration in crisis and trauma and Christian counseling, which was really neat as well. Beautiful. Okay. I love that. And in your work now, is there a particular therapy model that you follow? Or how does that work? I'm not a therapist. You're talking to a lay person here, but I'm just curious.

Um, yeah, kind of what you're doing today. Yeah, absolutely. Um, so I mostly use cognitive behavioral therapy, which I'm sure you've heard of. Um, most people that have taken a psychology class or gone to therapy have heard of it because it's one of the most popular, um, theories used and it's been around. Um, about the longest and just has a lot of research backing it.

Um, and I really love to use it. Cause a lot of it is like getting to the heart of the issue and unpacking what's true and what might feel true, but not actually be true. And, and I also just find it really compatible for people that, um, yeah, are living a Christian faith or Catholic faith and want to make sure that the, whatever theory we're using is compatible with their faith.

And since so much of it is unpacking the truth, it's, it's really compatible. Very cool. And, uh, I know some people just think of, uh, cognitive behavioral therapy as just like talk therapy, but it sounds like there's more to it than just that. And. There is a difference, I think, between like our worldview and our experience of the world.

I've, I heard, um, Bessel van der Kirk, who wrote the book, The Body Keeps the Score, talk about this recently in a podcast episode. He was basically saying that, you know, it's a good thing to have a worldview, like what you believe is true about the world. Like, you know, being a Christian or if you're Jewish, whatever, like you have a worldview, even, you know, atheists have worldviews.

But he said more important to that is how you respond to the world. And so much of how you respond to the world comes down to really the brokenness, the trauma that you've experienced and the virtues that you've developed. And so, um, I thought that was really profound and interesting. And so I love how you're able to kind of help people align their worldview with their kind of response to the world.

Yeah. Wow. I love that. I might use that. Please do. I wish I could say I came up with it, but I didn't, but I, um, I wanted to go into your story as well. So I'm just curious, what's been your experience with, with trauma, with brokenness and healing? Yeah, no, also a great question. Um, and totally has a lot of layers, but basically, Long story short is, um, yeah, I had an eating disorder starting end of middle school into high school, a little bit into college, and didn't really know that therapy was an option for me, um, just didn't.

have the knowledge, like, that it was a resource, um, and know if it was a trusted resource. So I was very skeptical of it, um, for different reasons. Um, but, uh, praise God, a priest directed me to go to a counselor that happened to be free at school at Ave Maria's where I did my undergrad. And yeah, it was super life changing and, and actually my first therapist wasn't the most impactful, but it was finally a space where I felt like I could be understood, which was new because I didn't really understand what was going on.

Why I couldn't stop when I wanted to stop some behaviors. Um, but it was actually my second therapist who really, really changed my life. Um, and was able to just speak into my story and help me understand myself and how I could make steps towards change and freedom and healing. Um, Yeah, I remember at the time thinking like this kind of little small voice like maybe I could do this someday, but probably not So yeah, Wow, beautiful.

Okay, so you had this Transformational experience that eventually led to you wanting to help other people have those same transformations, which is really really beautiful before we go deeper there I am curious about kind of that experience of waking up to the fact that you had this problem this Disorder I I'm curious, like, did you have language to put to that disorder out of the gate?

Did you realize, like, oh, I'm struggling with an eating disorder, this is what it's called, sort of thing. And the reason I ask that question is, I remember, you know, when my parents split when I was really young, and then later, or not really young, I was, you know, 11, around 11 years old, and then in the years that followed, especially in the high school, having experiences of, um, anxiety and even depression.

And I didn't have the language to put to those things, so I didn't actually know what I was experiencing. Um, I don't even know how I thought about it, but I just knew I just didn't feel right. That was kind of the way that I would talk about it. And so, um, eventually got the language and was able to recognize, Wow, okay, I'm dealing with kind of intense anxiety, or maybe a little bit of OCD here, and some depression, and all those different things.

So I'm just curious if you were able to kind of pinpoint the language, and if not, when that occurred. Yeah, totally. I have a lot of thoughts from what you said, but I'll start with I think that experience is what most people come to therapy with, like, I know something's wrong. And I know whatever I've tried is not working.

And I just need help from someone who might understand more. And I think that's probably mostly how I came to therapy. I did. I do remember like in middle school, we learned about eating disorders in my like guidance And I remember asking a friend, like, I wonder, like, do I have this? And she's like, no, no, no.

Like you would know if you had it. And then I was like, okay. But I think a lot of maybe, yeah. What was going on inside me emotionally. Like I didn't know how to vocalize how it was feeling. So I think a lot of what I learned was. I have emotions and they're neither good nor bad. They just are. And, um, it's okay to have them.

And I have emotional needs and I can like in your book, you talk about like, how do we choose healthy coping? And I really had to learn what that meant and that. I was just choosing really unhealthy coping. Yeah, no, it's easy to do and I can relate to with a lot of what you said. I love that you said that about kind of people entering into therapy often with that sense of like, something's not right, but I don't totally know how to talk about it.

And I think there is so much freedom in working with a therapist like yourself who can help you. You know, first kind of grow this awareness, recognize what you're dealing with in a sense, diagnose the problem. And then once you've done that, then you can, like you said, do all some coping strategies and then hopefully also work on healing maybe the root cause of it so that it either disappears the problem or becomes a much more manageable thing to, to go through.

So I love that you said all of that and man, there's so much we can talk about there. Any further thoughts before we move on? Um, yeah, I mean, there's so much more we can talk about, I think. I just like that you use the word manage, because I think often people come in like wanting to fix the problem or wanting to get rid of anxiety, but anxiety, like, everyone has it even, like, The perfect mother of God was anxious when she couldn't find her son and it's really more about how can I manage this better and learn more about myself so that I can do that.

Yeah, no, and I think those, um, those tactics are so important. And I do think, I do think there is hope that in some scenarios, I don't think every wound can be healed to like a hundred percent. But I've seen evidence that there are, there is the possibility of even going beyond the management. Um, but what often I think needs to happen, like you're saying is like, we need to at least get some sort of like, you know, handle on the situation, some sort of, like you said, coping mechanisms to like make it through.

Um, and then hopefully we can go from that just like surviving or, um, kind of getting by to then. You know, thriving. And so maybe, um, yeah, would you talk about that a little bit? I'm just curious kind of what you've seen in your life too. Can wounds be completely healed or is that kind of a pipe dream?

Maybe that is too wishful. Oh, I like this. Um, uh, this is a very interesting question. I think The way I usually conceptualize it based on my own journey and just people I work with is like, there's still a scab usually, but I mean, we also have in our body. There's ones that don't have scabs. So I think maybe some things like do really become a part of your past that you, yeah, there's no scab.

It just is something you worked through. But I think, The way I usually think about it, especially with mental health struggles is like, there usually is a scab because even like, um, like compulsive behaviors such as eating disorder. Like if you have struggled and learned how to use it as an unhealthy coping, it is still something that you might be tempted to do again.

And you just have to kind of be aware. I have that scab. It's been healed. But if I find myself needing to cope emotionally, I need to be vigilant of like, what is healthy coping? And if I slip up, what supports do I have? What do I need to do to get back on track? That's good. And that makes a lot of sense.

And I do think different wounds can be treated differently. And I do think You've probably seen this too. Some therapists or therapy models are more effective at treating certain things than others. And I like to use the analogy of the medical world or our physical bodies when we're trying to heal them.

So, you know, there are situations where if you were to break your wrists or your arm, that can be completely healed. Now there is, there's going to be the tissue that builds up. I don't know why I can't think of the name, the um, the fractured like bone or the tissue essentially that, you know, develops in response to the broken bone, which actually can make it right, stronger if I'm getting that right.

I'm not a doctor or a therapist, um, as you can tell. But yeah, I think, I think there's something to be said for that. But the way that I like to think about healing is in the Google definition of healing, which is like the process of becoming like healthy and whole. And I think that does look different in different situations.

So I do think in certain situations, Maybe a wound can be healed to the point where you don't even recognize it was there in the, at all, to begin with. Whereas others, like you said, there is maybe a continual, like, scar or scab. Um, whereas others, there might be a continual limp because it's something we just haven't figured out yet how to heal.

And that's where maybe I'm a little, um, idealistic in my thinking about healing. Because I think, There conceptually potentially is a way to heal all these things, but maybe we just haven't figured it out yet, or I don't know, you know, what you think about that, but I think there is the potential in the future, maybe that we, for example, come up with better models, and I've seen some of them to heal trauma and that work better than things we've done in the past and almost maybe eliminate or make it, like you said, way more manageable to deal with that trauma.

So I don't know if that's making sense, but, um, yeah. Yeah. Curious what you think about that. Yeah. I, it's actually funny. You bring up like the kind of idealism appealing. Cause I remember in my internship, which I did at Francis skin for students, um, I used to write in my treatment plans, like the goal is to like reduce the anxiety or reduce.

And my supervisor was like, That's what he was like. No, it's not. It's to manage, um, because, um, to reduce like it kind of creates this sometimes impossible standard. And I'm trying to think of like, it's hard to talk in general, generalities, because I'm trying to think of some specifics, but like, especially related to emotions, because a lot of mental health stuff is all related to like our thoughts, emotions and behaviors.

And it's like, we're just never gonna get rid of. Even negative emotions like they're always going to be part of the human experience. I totally agree with that. Yeah. And that makes sense about, you know, especially very common experiences. I think, um, kind of what I've seen and I love that we're kind of, you know, Going around this topic, um, and kind of poking at it because it's an important one and I like that you said kind of the Idolism of you know healing because I think it we can fall into that But I think there is it is really interesting to see kind of some things seem to be able to be healed more than others And others maybe not as much and I think of like, you know stage four cancer It's obviously Maybe it's so far progressed that it would be really, really difficult.

Maybe in the future, we'll come up with a way to heal that, perhaps. I don't know. Um, but right now that would be maybe not possible to heal. Whereas, you know, breaking your, like I said before, you know, breaking your ankle or something. Um, we could get to a point where that's healed to almost as if it didn't occur to begin with.

But at the same time, I like what you're saying. When you have these experiences, these emotions that are just like a normal part of human life, we can't like chop those out, nor would we want to. And so I think that's, um, that's an important point that you made. And I'm glad that you made it as well. I, um, I also just wanted to touch on a little bit about, um, just the importance going back to what we were talking before of.

Being able to put your emotions and experiences into words, um, that seems to be so much of the point of therapy, like we were saying before, and I remember reading Dr. Susan David's book, Emotional Agility, um, really benefited from that book, and one of the things that she talks about is just how important it is to put your emotions into words, and she even talks about alexithymia, Which for anyone listening who doesn't know, it's like the inability to distinguish between and put into words your own emotions.

And that inability greatly handicaps you. It greatly holds you back from being able to manage or, you know, cope with things and even maybe to move beyond them to close that chapter in your life. And so. I think there's a lot of beauty to that. And so I do want to transition into kind of talking about therapy.

Like, how do you make therapy, um, effective? How do you make it productive? How do you make it fruitful? Um, or whatever word you would use to, you know, talk about it. So I'm curious there. Um, let's start with the negatives. Like, how do you guarantee that therapy like won't work? Yeah. I think the only time it won't work is if you don't show up, if you schedule an appointment and don't go.

And sometimes it might take scheduling a few times before you get the courage to go, because, I mean, you and me both have been in therapy, and it can be, like, not something you want to do. And I think... Showing up sometimes is all you can do and sometimes maybe you show up for a while and that's all you can do.

And then maybe eventually, hopefully you can start to open up and get comfortable and realize this like is worth investing in. This is worth being vulnerable for, um, and. It's worth trying to understand myself better so that I can move more towards healing. That's really good. Yeah. And so that's a great way to guarantee that therapy won't work if you don't show up.

Um, and I guess, I don't know if we want to go through these and do just the flip side of it, but I guess we're going through like what would contribute to making it helpful and healing. So we could, I guess, do both at the same time. So showing up, that's the first one. Um, what else would you say is an ingredient or factor in making therapy successful?

Successful? Yeah, um, I think, like, being honest and humble, like, just having the space where you can even just be honest, like, I don't know what's going on, or I don't know if this makes sense, but this is my best guess, like, something we'll say as therapists is like, Just give me your best guess. Like, try your best to describe this and maybe I can fill in some gaps based off of other people with similar experiences in my education.

Yeah, but I think Oh, another point on that is one of my favorite professors from grad school. Um, he said, and, um, he's not Catholic or anything. Um, but like awesome professor, he said, like, there's such humility that comes with therapy. Like it's a great act of humility, which is a virtue. It's the crown of all virtues.

So I think knowing that just the act of therapy, um, It's helping you grow in virtue and honesty, humility, and many others. Courage can help encourage you on the way. Um, yeah, I like that. Okay. So we have, so far we have just showing up. We have being honest. So telling the truth, um, we have being humble. So not being like egotistical or prideful, and then we have being courageous is another one that I wrote down.

Um, so to flip them on their head, if you don't show up, if you lie and you're not honest, if you are super prideful and arrogant and don't want to admit, you know. To a weakness or a wound and if you kind of shy back from going into the hard things, meaning you're not being courageous, you're being cowardly.

It won't work. So, um, but, but if you do those things, it will work. Another one I was thinking of, which you alluded to, um, and even said, I think is just the vulnerability component. And that goes along with every, the other ones that you said, but just like this willingness to kind of be open and to spill out your heart, just being like, yeah, Hey, this is where I'm at.

And I found such freedom there in my life, especially when it comes to therapy, but also with just mentors of mine who are able to, you know, kind of walk with me through really difficult things. I think we all fear being completely vulnerable with someone, um, because we think that if they saw how broken we were, they wouldn't love us.

They wouldn't want us. They wouldn't, you know, give us any sort of time and attention or love. And what I've found is if you Pick the right people to be vulnerable with. It actually makes them love and respect you more because it takes an incredible amount of courage, like you said, to be able to open up that much.

So, yeah, I'm curious what you've seen in your own life going to therapy, but also being a therapist when it comes to vulnerability. How important is that? Yeah, I love the topic of vulnerability and learned a lot from Brene Brown's book, Daring Greatly, um, on vulnerability. Um, I don't agree with everything she says, but I think she does a good job of like explaining it and explaining like how to do it well.

And I think like. What you described as like it being scary or fearful to share with someone. Um, I think a lot of that comes from like real experiences when you try and maybe what you're sharing is too uncomfortable for someone they don't understand or they haven't. Had experiences with that themselves, so they just really don't have the words or maybe there's judgment or things that might make you feel, feel really fearful to do that again, because it might have been painful therapy.

Hopefully, I mean, not every therapist is perfect. It's also. Humans doing it, but hopefully it can be that space where you can know that this professional is someone I can trust and someone who's not going to judge me and someone who is going to validate my experience and help me understand it further.

Um, and hopefully they're, I mean, they're usually an empathetic person. Otherwise they shouldn't have made it to grad school. So good. No, um. So much to say there, but I do want to touch on something where I think everyone kind of leaned in when you said it is that, um, therapists are human too, and not all therapists are created equal.

You said that before as well, and, you know, the first therapist you had was helpful, but it wasn't as impactful. And so I'm curious about that. Like, what do you do if you're in the, in the seat of being the one going to therapy, and maybe you're with a therapist who doesn't seem to be. Kind of working out for you, or you're not really, maybe they're not treating in the way that you would hope.

What would you advise for someone in that situation to do? Yeah, great question. Um, And I'll start with, I think, coming to therapy with an open mind is, is really important. Cause I, I've seen... Some people, and I kind of was this myself, like coming with an agenda or like being skeptical of therapy. And so quickly judging like, Oh, the service isn't for me or counseling can't work because I can't find the right therapist.

And I just encourage you to. Persevere and have an open mind and try a therapist and be willing to admit, like, if you feel like, do I feel comfortable sharing anything with this person and it might take a little bit of time to build trust because even though they are professional, yeah, they still are a human and it takes time to build trust, just like in any relationship, but usually a little quicker in this professional relationship.

So I think. Thank you. Being open minded and tuning into like your experience and if it's, if you're feeling like, okay, this isn't helpful anymore, um, that's a good time to be like, um, is it because I may be feeling more confident and don't need therapy right now or is it because I want to try another therapist, um, which is so real because sometimes it's even just the personality you don't jive well with and that might prohibit you from getting the therapy you need.

Yeah, I love that. There's so much freedom there. And I think that's good. And so in that situation, what's something maybe someone could say to that therapist that they're working with, um, instead of maybe just like ghosting them and never showing up again? Um, I'm curious, cause I think there's probably a right way to do that and a wrong way to do to kind of break the relationship or say like, Hey, this isn't really working for me.

So what would work well in that situation? If someone may be listening right now is finding themselves in a situation where they want to try a different therapist. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if there's necessarily a right or wrong way. Like often people do just ghost. I mean, not often, but sometimes. And, and like, we understand as therapists, but I think what might be courteous, um, cause it's still a relationship and like, as a therapist, like I care about all my clients.

Um, so like, if someone says like, Hey, like I'm, Okay. I don't need to schedule another appointment or like I'm going to cancel it. I'm not interested in continuing therapy at this time. Like that's, that's enough. And if you want to share more, feel free. And I think, yeah, I mean, if anyone ever says like kind things to me that it does, it means a lot, you know, cause I care about that person.

So yeah, I know that your words. Um, can mean a lot to a therapist. Um, but also if you feel like this wasn't a good experience and I just want it to be done, um, like just being direct and short and clear is enough. I'd say, okay, that's good advice. Yeah. I like that. And I've had therapists in the past where just, yeah, there was something off, like we weren't clicking.

Um, so had to move on, uh, at the same time. There was a therapist. I remember when I was at Franciscan, I was working with him there. And yeah, it took me maybe like nine months to like a year. I did a year and a half of therapy when I was at Franciscan. Um, and in college for anyone doesn't know Franciscan University, but basically I, um, yeah, it took me probably like a year or so to really get to like the deep stuff, which probably prideful.

But, uh, But it took me that long. So I think sometimes, like you were saying before, it could just mean you haven't progressed to that point yet, or you're not maybe willing to take that risk and kind of open up and be, be more vulnerable than maybe you have been in the past, um, because you're scared. And I totally get being scared.

I mean, I know you get that too. Yeah. And I think part of it totally could be that, but it could also just be like therapy can kind of be this. Almost new language of like talking about my feelings and maybe I've never done that before Maybe I haven't even tuned into what I am feeling like sometimes we go through life.

Just thinking okay I get angry sad and happy and I don't even have words for other emotions and there's so many so like a lot of A lot of where people start that I've seen is like just tuning into emotions and thoughts and getting comfortable with that habit so that I can then know how to meet my needs and know what I need to do and, um, know if I'm engaging in unhelpful or true thoughts and become more aware of that.

And also like. This is kind of back to a point you had earlier, um, but when we're able to develop that language to describe ourself to, it then gives us the language to tell those people we know and love and trust and, and to the more you know someone, the more you can love them. So it really gives people the opportunity to love you better when you're able to articulate what's going on better.

No, I love that. That's such an excellent point. Going back to the, um, yeah, this whole idea of like, how do you make therapy successful or sabotage it on the flip side is, um, the homework, like often therapy sessions will end with something you need to do or think about, right? And so I think it's obviously very important to, to do that homework, but I'm curious if you'd talk a little bit more about that and if there's any other things you think that make therapy fruitful, successful or not.

Yeah, I like just the two terms of like implement and invest. So I think checking like your level of investment, like am I making time not just for my hour long or 50 minute therapy session? Like, am I also making time to process and learn healthy coping and have space if I need it to deal with what I'm dealing with?

Um, and then, and am I making that a priority? So am I invested one? And then two, am I implementing it? Cause like, you're not going to get much out of it if you're just like listening in the therapy session, but not implementing what you're talking about. Like you might be in a therapy a long time before it gets effective.

So I think, um, and implementing doesn't have to take a lot of time. It's just for, yeah. Like that tuning into my emotions and thoughts and. Those needs and, um, other there's a whole I could go off on on all of that. Um, I think that and then, yeah, something else I just wanted to mention was, um, support. So whether that's from friends, like, I think the more you can.

Like, it's so great that you're opening up to someone, like your therapist, but it's even better if you could start also opening up more to friends and, and maybe support groups, like, depending on what you're struggling with, those might be good. Um, yeah, because for different struggles, sometimes your friends don't really understand and you might need a support group of other people who do understand what you're going through to really not feel alone.

And it's Crazy how, if people have support, how much more efficient therapy is, like how much more quickly the healing process goes. Talk about that a little bit more. That's fascinating. I love everything that you said. I totally agree with that. But yeah, um, about it being quicker and I don't know if easier would be a word we'd throw in there.

Maybe not. But, um, quicker. Yeah. I'm really curious about that. Yeah, and. This is kind of my own theory, so take it with a grain of salt, but, um, This isn't a PhD dissertation. No, no, no. Um, but I think, like, the goal of therapy is to teach you skills for your own life, so you don't need a therapist. And, not that you won't never need it again, but, like, it's a tool.

Like, the point isn't that you're in therapy the rest of your life, but, like, I really see it as, Something you need, and then you learn and then you don't need. Um, and I think a huge part of that is being able to communicate your emotional needs with friends and family and other supports. And once you're able to do that, like.

Your need for a therapist, depending on what you're struggling with, could decrease and, and then, like, if you're having a bad day, like, you have that healthy coping of, like, I can call this friend and they can speak truth into maybe my thought spiral or my overthinking and it, it really gives, yeah, just that opportunity for love and truth to be spoken and for you to know you're not alone, like, even that, knowing you're not alone can alleviate so much Weight of mental health struggles.

Yeah. Oh, a hundred percent. I mean, there's so many bad things that happen when we're isolated as humans. I mean, it's people, a lot of people have talked about this, but it's so interesting that one of the worst punishments that you can enter if you're in prison is solitary confinement because there's.

Basically, a misery may be no greater than that. And I know all the introverts are like, maybe that wouldn't be so bad. It's like, no, that would be miserable, even if you're an introvert. Um, but wow, so many good things, Claire. Um, just to kind of summarize the last few points that we talked about is like, be open minded going into therapy of maybe trying different things.

Um, if you want to guarantee it won't work, be close minded, be, you know, hardheaded. Um, also. Yeah, implement, uh, like you said, and invest, and the way I threw it out there was like do, do the homework, do the work that comes with the therapy, not just the therapy itself, um, and if you don't do that, if you just go and talk and never put it into action, you can be guaranteed that it won't work.

And then you said, uh, also just, That that support as is huge. So if you don't have a support system, if you don't have friends, if you don't have maybe family members who can walk with your mentors as well, then you can guarantee that it won't work. But if you do, it's going to, like you said, the healing is going to happen faster.

Uh, which is really beautiful and really encouraging as well. The other one I would just add here, picking up on something you said is kind of building in some, you talked about prioritizing and I think in order to prioritize, you need to build some cushion into your life, which I'm the worst at. So I'm talking to myself and you guys all get to listen.

But, um, but it can be so easy to, especially if you're kind of like this type A, like overachiever type to just like, kind of pack your day and your life with like, I'm going from this thing to this thing to this thing and doing this task and working on this project. And it's like, cool, you know, you're going to wake up at the end of life and you're going to be like, man, I kind of.

Destroyed myself. That's not the purpose of life is just to be productive. And so I think if we want to become, um, more human, become more virtuous, become, um, more loving and live like richer, happier lives, it's really important not to have, um, ours. schedules, like constantly booked, like we need some of that cushion or margin, um, to give us the ability to, you know, do the homework from therapy or just to enjoy like beautiful experiences and do those things that really give us life.

And I think we, especially as Americans, maybe everyone else listening, who's not in the States, like is better at this. I know Europeans listening, like you guys are way better at this than we are. Um, but, uh, but yeah, I've, I've noticed that that's necessary as well. Awesome. Yeah. And I just have a few thoughts about what you said.

One is, I, this is just like a little thing and also from my supervisor at Franciscan, but he didn't like to use the word homework. Um, and I've kind of adopted that from him instead. I'll use challenge and I like it. Yeah. I like it because Like, I always tell people, I'm not grading you. If you don't want to do something, you don't find that you do it, let's try something else because we really want it to be something you can implement and use in your life, like not just now, but like long term.

So like, like something I often use is a common cognitive behavioral therapy tool called thought records. Super simple, but super helpful. I can Talk all about that. But, um, sometimes people don't do it and don't like it. And I'm like, great, like, just be honest and we'll try something else. Cause there are other strategies, but I like the word challenge because really what we're trying to do is just grow into more, into more wholeness, into more of who God made you to be into more of freedom and peace.

Um, so challenges is what helps us grow. Beautiful. No, I like that. And that's a way better way to say it, especially with, when you have the grading aspect, that's not, not super helpful. So I, I totally agree. Thanks for clarifying that. I really appreciate it. Um, the thought record thing, would you explain that a little bit?

Oh yeah, sure. Oh man, I could talk a whole podcast about this. Um, so it's basically a short structured journal entry. Um, And like the one I, if you googled it, you'd find a bunch of different templates because it really is a very common tool in cognitive behavioral therapy. Um, but the one I like is just simple, like from therapistaid.

com or org or whatever. And it just has... Um, you write down the situation, thought, emotion, behavior, and then an alternative thought. And I tell people like a good time to do a thought record is if you notice like I'm overthinking or I'm caught in a thought spiral or, or I feel a big emotion, like I feel super anxious.

Maybe like I even feel it in my body. Like my, my chest is tight. My stomach's churning. Um, Like those are kind of red flags of like, this is a good time to do a thought record and kind of, and there's so many benefits. Like I really could talk a lot about it, but just to be brief, like one is it can stop like the thought spiral and be that space to just reflect before you go down that rabbit hole, which can.

Which in cognitive behavioral therapy, like through evidence based research, they've concluded that our thoughts and emotions are congruent. So that means that, um, if I can stop unhelpful or untrue thoughts, that impacts my emotion and my mood. So I can change my mood by becoming more aware of my thoughts and not engaging as much in unhelpful or untrue thoughts.

And a thought record is a tool to do that. Um, and, and then. Just one final note on that is, um, doing it also can be really good content to bring to therapy because sometimes for some people it's harder to like remember what thoughts or remember or even articulate like I had a really hard day and I don't even know I don't have the language but actually I wrote it down and sometimes for internal processors it's actually really helpful and I've seen it like help not only you know Moment thoughts like we call them automatic thoughts.

So those are like the first layer of thoughts and cognitive behavioral therapy and then there's beneath. Those are like irrational beliefs, which are is exactly what it sounds like. It's irrational. Not true, but I really believe it sounds so good. Like, and that's usually. Like under that is core belief.

So it's basically irrational beliefs. I've had my whole life, usually from wounds and because we, and we all have them because we live in an imperfect world. Um, so thought records can help you change automatic thoughts that you, so that you can then change emotions. And behaviors related to it, but it can also help you detect irrational beliefs.

So that you can bring that to your therapy session and further unpack what's under this, like what layers of wounds do I have that make me believe this thing that I know isn't true? So good. No, I really like that. Both, um, the thought record and. You know what you just mentioned to the different layers of thoughts and beliefs.

That's super helpful. Super good. And it's crazy how if you, there's a lot of people that talk about beliefs that I think it kind of becomes this thing that people tone out to a bit. Um, but I think it is, it's so, so important because if you bust just like one of those untrue beliefs, it can totally change the way that you approach life.

Um, to the point where I've seen people, I remember talking with a friend who, It's a physical therapist and he, you know, broke into running his own business, like, which is not an easy thing to do being an entrepreneur. And, um, there were certain beliefs that he had, which sounds kind of against that kind of superficial hokey, but it's not when you see it in action that once he kind of addressed those and be like, man, I, you know, always thought this way about like me and running a business.

And once he was able to break through that, his business started like growing and he started. To be able to succeed in the whole entrepreneurial thing, which is really, really beautiful. So there are concrete examples. It's not just some of this, you know, again, like vague thing that you just swirl your head around all the time.

And I'm not saying you're saying that, but I think a lot of times when people hear us talking about this, they think that that's it. No, it's like, it can be very concrete in your own life if you bust those, you know, kind of untrue beliefs. Absolutely. And we could talk a lot more about that too. Um, yeah, I just, I love cognitive behavioral therapy and it's, it's what helped me and what I really just find to be so impactful with my clients.

I like that. Yeah. And I think sometimes it gets a bad rap. Um, people maybe reduce it to just like thought. Uh, talk therapy, um, but I think it, yeah, from what you're sharing now, there's so much more to it as well. And I have benefited from it too. I've benefited from other therapy models as well, but um, I have benefited from, uh, CBT.

So thank you, um, for, for going through all of that. Any final items that you wanted to touch on when it comes to how to make, uh, therapy fruitful? Uh, back to when you were summarizing it, um, you had summarized like support helps. Um, yeah, just expedite the process. Um, and I just wanted to add that, like, if you don't have support, that's okay.

Like, you can work with your therapist on how can I get creative and build my support. And sometimes that's a great place to start. Um, and you've already come to therapy, so you have that support. And, and building it can make a huge. different. So that's a lot of what we do often in therapy, too, is if people don't have good supports or if they're not opening up to their good supports and don't feel comfortable sharing, it's like, how can we work to get there?

Really good. And I think a lot of people. might be afraid to that they would maybe develop some unhealthy dependency on people in their lives. But that's the beauty of what you just said. It's like, you can actually learn how to have like an appropriate, like interdependent relationship. That's not over relying on that person on the other end.

And it can be really life giving on both ends, which is really beautiful. And I've seen that and I've lived that and it's, it's, it can be so good. So I love that you said that. And the only other thing that came to related to the first point of just showing up is starting. I think maybe of showing up as like the ongoing effort, whereas I think starting is like turning the key to, you know, get the engine going.

And that I think is probably the hardest part, in my opinion, Claire, like there's so many barriers that we have in our minds when it comes to therapy, where there's so many things that we maybe even just like barriers that we create ourselves because for one reason or another, we don't want to go there.

Um, but man, if you could just get started, if you can just like. Experiment. Um, I think that is really, really helpful and that's one of the ways I trick myself into doing things often is, uh, and I'm curious if you have any tips for this too, but I'll, I'll just trick myself into thinking like, oh, you know what, um, I'm just gonna kind of put on this like experimenters hat or.

lab coat and just be like, you know, I'm just gonna try it. I'm going to do one time and see how that goes. And then I'll go from there. Um, and, and I've noticed that that will get me moving way more than if I think of the totality of it because it feels too heavy and too big. Um, but I can, you know, hone in on the one little piece that just very next step and not really think about the overall effort.

At least that's been helpful for me. So curious about, uh, for you, like what. tips or hacks you have about just getting started. Yeah. I mean, I love what you just said. And actually that's the language my supervisor now uses. He's like, let's try an experiment. And I think too, like we talk a lot about overwhelm, like I feel overwhelmed and like, what do I do with that?

Cause it feels like I don't know what to do with that. And the, the really. I think the way to combat it is one step at a time, because if it's super overwhelming, if I start taking steps, just start, start experimenting pretty soon, it's going to be less overwhelming, but it's that like, okay, it feels overwhelming.

Maybe there's anxiety. So I avoid it. That's going to make it grow because you're not doing the things you need to do to make it decrease. Um, and I also think on your point that it's just, it's such a good. Outlook to like be, um, willing to not be great at things like to just experiment and try new things.

Like how much more full can your life be if you're willing to get out of your comfort zone? Boom. So good. And I, um, I don't know if this is true, but I call that like willingness to suck, like just being really willing to be like, Hey, you know, I'm going to look. Ridiculous. And this kind of maybe fits under the point of humility, but I'm going to look ridiculous.

I'm going to sound ridiculous. People might even make fun of me or judge me, but I'm just willing to be bad at this to start. And if you're willing to go through that discomfort, what I've realized in life, whether it's in like, Business or fitness or anything, managing your money, um, you're going to get further than the people who are criticizing you.

Not that it's a competition. I'm not like saying you want to beat everyone down or anything like that, but those opinions are often the things that I think hold us back. And so I think if you grow that muscle of just, Hey, I'm not going to be good at this right away. I'm not going to be a pro. How, how would I be a pro at this?

I'm starting out fresh. Like who can expect that? And I think if you take that, um, mindset, I guess, into, into it, I think you can get way, way further faster than if you kind of think about it forever and never actually. Take the first step. Absolutely. And I love what you're saying. Cause I have that same similar mindset and have to remind myself to have that mindset.

Like I have a Rocky Balboa quote of like, you ain't gonna have a life until you start believing in yourself. Um, and then another good quote, um, actually from Bernays Brown. Brené Brown's book, Daring Greatly, is Theodore Roosevelt's quote, and it's kind of longer, but it's about the man in the arena, and it's like, the one in it, like, getting bloody, like, doing it, like, there's so much more respect for him, even if he fails, than someone who doesn't try.

Love that. I absolutely love that quote and yeah, so good. So maybe we'll attach this to this episode somehow. We'll have to, might even have to figure that out. But Claire, I know we're almost out of time here. Any final thoughts or anything you'd add about making therapy fruitful? Yeah, maybe I'll just end with some Bible verses that kind of I bring up a lot in therapy.

Um, so even if you're not, um, religious, like just, I would just encourage you to have an open mind. But, um, yeah, kind of the top three ones that I bring up a lot are 1 John 11, which is God is light and in him there is no darkness at all. And I think I love this because it's just like, there's so much.

Beauty that comes when you bring things to the light, and that's where the healing begins. Like you can't, a doctor can't heal anything, heal something that he can't see or that you're not showing him, you're not presenting him. So I think similar with like mental health, like just bringing it to the light, like, Ooh, that's a huge first step.

Um, and then the next one is Romans 8, 28 in. In all things, God works for the good of those who love him, which I think just, oh, I love this because Like, it just validates that no matter what you've done, um, he can make it good. And like, like my story, like, he's transfigured it for beauty, and your story, like, look at what you're doing with your story, and, and anyone listening, like, he wants to bring whatever you've done.

And always like, if you come back to him, if you come back to truth, um, it can be used for good. And like the, the saying healed people, heal people. Um, so there's just so much hope in that, I think. And then the last one is 2 just my powers made perfect in weakness and that's God's power. So just it's in our brokenness that he can work the most.

So like our brokenness.

Um, but yeah, those are, uh, kind of my top three Bible verses I'd say. Beautiful. Well, thanks for sharing all that and yeah, definitely moving. And I love that quote, you know, heal people, heal people. That's super, super good. Um, man, Claire, thank you so much for coming on the show. Um, if people want to do therapy with you, I know you're in Colorado, um, how do they find you online?

How do they start that process? Yes, so you can call our main office at St. Raphael's and request me. That'd be great. I have openings. Love, would love to work with you. Um, find it such a joy. Um, and then we also have, um, our website, um, Which I'm not going to remember, but maybe we can put in the show notes.

I think it's like straphaelcounseling. com. Um, and you can look up all our therapists. We have really a really solid team of therapists. So if I'm not like the right personality for you, I, I'm pretty sure there could be someone on our team that is beautiful. I love that. And then I'd love for you just in closing to speak to.

All of our listeners who come from broken families, what maybe final piece of encouragement or advice would you give to them, especially if they just feel stuck and so broken because of all the trauma and the brokenness in their families? Yeah. Wow. I mean, I really love your book. And I think like them just having the resources you've provided can really validate a lot of probably the experiences they have.

Um, I know I actually have a few. Clients reading your book and they've expressed that and I think just yeah, like the title of your book It's not your fault and and starting there like I think you really got to the heart of the issue because it allows them allow someone to Yeah, really delve into like, okay, this did affect me and this really maybe deeply affected me because Yeah, for so many reasons that we could go into but um, yeah, I think just knowing there's hope there's healing And and taking advantage of the resources out there that like you have provided and therapy And knowing that that there's there's just so much hope.

Yeah

Again, if you're in Colorado, you can find Claire and the other therapists at her practice by going to strafeelcounseling. com or just clicking the link in the show notes. On that page, actually, if you click appointments, you can actually get a free, I think it's a 50 minute consult for free, which is awesome.

And so my apologies if in the future that changes after this recording, but for now you can get a free consult if you go to that page. And to recap this episode, I just want to go through those 10 tips again. Uh, the first is to just show up, right? Just show up to put in the work. If you don't show up, you don't put in the work, you're guaranteed to fail.

The next thing is to be honest and vulnerable. If you're closed off, if you're not honest, if you lie, if you deceive, you're not going to get much out of therapy. It's not going to work for you. Number three is be humble. Be humble. If you're arrogant and prideful and egotistical, therapy is not going to work for you.

You need to go and be honest that, you know, life isn't the way you want it to be. You feel broken and you need help. Number four is be courageous. Like therapy is hard. It takes courage, but I love this quote. It, you know, courage is not the absence of fear. It's acting in spite of your fear. And so be courageous.

It's not a place to be cowardly. Uh, if you want to, you know, Shrink back from challenges. Therapy is not for you, but if you're ready to step up, uh, and to go at it and know that you'll have the support of the therapist, you're not, you don't have to like, you know, grow all this bravery on your own, but if you go at it, be courageous, put in the hard work, you're going to see benefits from it.

So that's number four. Five is to be open minded. You might be challenged in ways that you never thought you might be challenged to, you know, address parts of your past or your woundedness in a way that you never thought you might. Need to or be able to but be open minded and you'd be surprised at how much you're capable of.

That's number five. Six is implement and invest in the challenges. So remember we said we're not gonna call it homework, but we're gonna call it challenges. Those challenges are really the key to making therapy effective. Number seven is build cushion into your life. Like we need some cushion in our lives, which I'm horrible at but I'm gonna work on to be able to to grow, to grow personally, to build virtue, to heal.

Our woundedness, our brokenness, um, be able to move on in life because if our schedules are packed and our to do lists are super long and we're always focused on that, we're not going to do that hard work that often takes a lot of energy, a lot of emotional focus in order to heal. And so number eight is, uh, build support around you.

Build support around it. You can't do it alone. Like if you want to guarantee failure, you know, do it alone. Um, number nine is start as an experiment, start as an experiment. It can be so intimidating to do everything at once. And so don't do that. Just start as an experiment, do a little bit at once, you know, go to one session.

Do the free consult. See how it goes. Maybe it doesn't work for you. I don't know. Um, but then, you know, every time just think of it as a little bit of an experiment, a little bit of a bet and go from there. Number 10 is be willing to suck or be bad at it. That's so important with anything in life. You're not going to attain any sort of a skill unless you're willing to not be great at the skill when you start, like who is exceptional.

Very few people are really great and I'm any skill when they just start. And so again, show up is number one, two is be honest and vulnerable. Three is be humble. Four, be courageous, five, be open minded, six, uh, implement and invest in the challenges, seven, build cushion into your life, eight, um, build support around you, don't do it alone, uh, nine, start as an experiment, and ten, be willing to suck or be bad.

At it also, I absolutely love the quote that Claire mentioned from Teddy Roosevelt, uh, the man in the arena, and I wanted to share that in a second. But first, if you're not in Colorado and you still want a counselor, a spiritual director, a coach, a mentor, uh, we can help. We know how difficult and time consuming that can be, but thankfully here at Restored, we're building a resource for you.

We're building a network of counselors.

It's just going to save you time and you're going to have confidence that, you know, you're finding someone who's competent, who's professional. And so how do you get on the wait list? Just go to restored ministry. com slash coaching and restored ministry. com slash coaching, or just click on the link in the show notes, fill out the form on that page.

And then once we find someone for you, then we'll connect you with them again, go to restored ministry. com slash coaching, or just click on the link in the show notes. And here's the quote from Teddy Roosevelt, titled The Man in the Arena. It goes like this. It is not the critic who counts. Not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who counts. Who is actually in the arena. Whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood. Who strives valiantly. Who errs. Who comes short again and again. Because there is no effort without error and shortcoming. But who does actually Strive to do the deeds who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at best knows in the end, the triumph of high achievement and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring.

Greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat So good with that that wraps up this episode if you know someone who's struggling Because of their parents divorce or their broken family share this episode with them seriously feel free to take like 30 seconds now To message them if you want and in closing always remember you are not alone We're here to help you feel whole again and break that cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life, and keep in mind the words of C.

S. Lewis who said, You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

#109: 5 Tips to Navigate the Holidays in a Broken Family

If you’re from a broken family, the holidays often bring more stress and challenges than joy. After my parents separated, I faced these challenges:

• A sad, pit-in-the-stomach reminder of my parents’ split and my family’s brokenness

• Pressure to choose between parents and balance time amid many events

• A misled desire to make everyone happy, especially my parents, often at my expense

• My emotions or other people being in control instead of me

• Feeling alone and uncertain of how to deal with it all

If that sounds familiar, this episode is for you. In it, you’ll get 5 tips to navigate the challenges and hopefully, even begin enjoying the holidays again. Using them won’t make your holidays look like a Hallmark movie, but they will improve the experience by putting you in the driver’s seat.

Get the FREE Guide: 5 Tips to Navigate the Holidays in a Broken Family

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As a bonus, you'll receive the first chapters from our book, It's Not Your Fault: A Practical Guide to Navigating the Pain and Problems from Your Parents' Divorce.

TRANSCRIPT

After my parents separated. I remember the holidays changing. Quite a bit, then went from being joyful and even magical to them being stressful and complicated. And I remember often being more excited for them to be over than I'd felt about the holidays themselves. And if you can relate this episode is for you, you know, that people like us who come from broken families face all sorts of challenges around. This time of the year and some of the challenges I faced.

So I remember just feeling this sad pit in the stomach sort of feeling that my parents were no longer together and my family was broken. I remember feeling pressure to pick sides between my parents. Like who was I going to spend? This holiday with, I remember wrestling with this misled desire to please everyone to make everyone happy.

Especially my parents often at my own expense. And it often felt like my emotions or other people were in charge instead of me. And that left me feeling alone and just uncertain of how to deal with it all if that sounds familiar, if you can relate. This episode is for you. The first thing I want you to know is you're not alone.

There's so many people like us out there, and more importantly, it doesn't have to always be this way. .

In this episode, we're going to give you five tips that you can use to better navigate the holidays in your broken family, and perhaps even enjoy them. Again. This content is based on research. It's based on expert advice in 20 years of experience. Doing the stuff in this content has helped thousands of people.

But if you take the tips, if you execute on these steps, I can't promise you that your life, that your holidays are going to look like a hallmark movie, but I can say. That it will improve the experience and put you in the driver's seat. And so keep listening and watching. .

Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents. Divorce. Separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again and break the cycle. I'm your host, Joey Pontarelli. And this is episode 109.

We're so thrilled that so many of you have found this podcast helpful and even healing.

We've heard so much feedback. One man said this, he said, the holidays have always been an incredibly challenging and often painful time for me as a child of divorce. This might be even worse as an adult. Where I have to make more decisions myself about enforcing boundaries and pleasing others and their expectations.

Someone shared restored. And their podcasts with me recently, and I've really found it helpful in confirming of my experiences. This episode has some great tips for navigating the coming days and weeks, and I definitely need to work at practicing them. one woman said this about the podcast. She said a few nights ago I was struggling to fall asleep.

Anxiety has been worse lately. And it occurred to me to listen to your episode with the therapist and it helped a ton. Thank you for that. Again, we're so happy that you guys have found this podcast helpful and even healing.

Like I said before, if you come from a broken family, you don't need me to tell you how challenging and stressful this time of the year. Can be into better help you navigate those holidays. We're going to give you those five tips that I mentioned, but before we get into that content, I wanted to introduce myself in case you're new here.

Like I said, my name is Joey. And when I was 11 years old, my parents separated and later got divorced and it just brought a ton of pain and problems into my life. I remember just dealing with emotional problems, relationship struggles, and bad habits, and a lot of other things as well. And it just absolutely shattered my world.

And so over the years after seeking out solutions to these challenges and healing for my brokenness. I wanted to help other people find healing as well. And so I started this podcast and this nonprofit called Restored and we help teenagers and young adults from broken families to heal and build virtue so they can feel whole again and break that cycle.

And the main way we would do that is by producing content like this episode. In addition to hosting the show, I'm a speaker and an author, but enough about me, let's get into the tips to better navigate the holidays. The first tip is to stop trying to fix, or please everyone. So many of us from broken families have this instinct that maybe there's been so much drama and tension and problems in our families that we kind of just want to fly below the radar.

We don't want to rock. The boat. And so the quickest way will say to misery. Is truly to try to please and fix everyone. It's an impossible task that will always leave you feeling inadequate. Like I promise you, it's not your job. To clean up the mess in your family. It's not your job to fix your parents or their marriage as tempting as that can be sure your influence has its place. But it's not the same as you being in charge or responsible.

And so around this time of the year, especially your parents or other people might have these expectations of you to maybe put on a good face and to be happy. I don't think that's right. I don't think you should be forced to feel happy in a really difficult situation. I think that's actually wrong. And so you shouldn't have to pretend to be happy during this difficult season.

And just remember when you try to make everyone happy, you'll likely end up making nobody happy and yourself miserable. And so tip number one, stop trying to fix, or please everyone. Tip number two, prepare for the stress and the emotion. So not only are the holidays stressful, they also can be emotionally. Exhausting for those of us from broken film is, and so don't let it surprise you expected. Plan for it. If you don't, here's the danger, you might emotionally burnout. And do things that you wouldn't normally do in an attempt to fill your needs.

And so you're going to have a lot of regrets. And so to avoid that, just prioritize, taking care of yourself. That's not a selfish thing to do by the way. To take care of yourself in order to be virtuous and to love well and respect other people. And so think ahead, think ahead to the difficult emotions you might face. During this time of the year, if you can think back to next year, what it was like for you to, that might be helpful as well.

And then just having your back pocket one or two ways to help calm yourself. If you feel anxious or to kind of give yourself life, if you feel kind of down. And depressed, for example, in the middle of a party, if it you're getting really anxious because you're around relatives and there's a lot of tension in the air and then it's making you really anxious. One tactic can be just like stepping outside, going for a quick walk, getting a breath of fresh air, something as simple as that and your body and your emotions are obviously interconnected, intimately. So one thing you can do to take care of how you feel is just to take care of your body. And there's some really simple ways that you can do this. At the end of this show, I'm going to give you a PDF guide that you can use that we put together for you guys, which has more detailed than we're going to be able to cover in this podcast episode.

But it also is a written form. Of what we're talking about, again, that goes a bit deeper. So you need to do basically four things to take care of your body. The first is sleep. Just get enough quality sleep. Again, we go deeper into this in the PDF guide. Drink enough water. We talk about kind of how much water you should drink in there. Um, by the way that usually ends up being like half a gallon, two gallon a day. Exercise, just moving your body.

We talk about some of the benefits of that, how it can literally make you feel better and then eating healthy whole foods. And in the guide, we even talked about how chocolate and drinking sparkling water can be really helpful according to a trauma therapist.

and if you're religious, just, don't forget to be praying during this time of the year. Not only have experts found that it can calm you, it can literally make you more calm. But God can give you the grace. He can give you the strength. To endure this difficult time, especially if it's extra stressful for you.

And so ask for his help, he sees your pain and he wants to come through for you.

Also healthy distractions. Aren't a bad thing. If you're constantly in situations or with people that drain you, you need to do things that give you life that revive you. And so there's a list of ideas in the guide that I mentioned, uh, that you can use as well.

And while it's important to have alone time during the holidays at different points, again, catch your breath. And especially if you're an introvert, that's super important, but just make sure you're not isolating yourself. It can be really easy to do. And just kind of cut yourself off from your friends and maybe your siblings or other people. That really care about you and normally would give you life and intense moments.

Remember to take a breath. And to step back to pause, to think, and then to act in the way that aligns with your deepest held beliefs. It's really important to kind of step away. From those emotions. And by doing that, you'll be able to make better decisions about what to do next. And save yourself from regret.

And so tip number two, just prepare yourself for the stress and the emotions.

Tip number three, plan ahead and set boundaries with your parents. Now a good plan will naturally include when you'll see your parents and for how long it'll also set healthy boundaries. With your parents and forming them kind of how to treat you. And when it comes to the holidays, it's okay to lay down some rules with your parents.

For example, you can tell your dad or your mom, Hey, I don't really want to talk to you about. The other parent, that's an okay thing to do. It's a healthy thing to do. And, um, boundaries obviously communicated in advance. Um, as is a really good idea. Why is that? Because it's going to give people who don't agree with those boundaries or who are bothered by them to opt out of spending time with you, which is going to reduce drama for you.

And By the way, don't feel guilty about setting boundaries. Boundaries are the sign of a healthy person. So if you're new to this, I might feel like you're being mean, but that's actually not the case. You can be incredibly kind. When setting boundaries again, they're the sign of a healthy. Person boundaries.

Aren't only good for you. They're not like the selfish thing. They're also good for other people. Like your parents it'll help you to have a healthier relationship. With them, if you have boundaries and you respect. Those boundaries and they respect those boundaries as well. And it's crucial, crucial to remember also that spending time with one parent at some point, and the other parent at the other point is not betraying each of those parents.

It's not betraying your other parent, your mom. To spend time with your dad. One-on-one that? That's an okay thing to do. Healthy relationships with both parents is super important. It's necessary. You know, if you can have that. And so many people like us, what we've learned through this nonprofit is that we really benefit from spending separate days around the holidays with our parents.

So maybe you celebrate Christmas Eve with mom and Christmas day with dad or. You know, if you're in the U S Thanksgiving day with dad and, you know, black Friday or, you know, the day after with, um, with mom. And so it's okay to separate those days and not try to do everything together. if siblings are part of the equation to make sure to include them in the planning, um, although the approach might depend on, you know, how old they are and your level of relationship with them.

And although a good plan is almost always helpful. Um, no plan is perfect. And so just make sure you have some flexibility in there. And maybe have someone have a backup plan too, especially if things with your family kind of, uh, implode. but what if your relationship with your parents is toxic where you can't spend time with them at all?

First? I just want to say if that's the case, that is rough. I'm so sorry. That you're going through that it shouldn't be that way. What I'd propose in that cases. What can you do to experience some sort of family outside of your family? Like maybe there's a family that, you know, there'll be happy to welcome you in. To their holiday celebration.

And so go ahead and do that. Or if you don't have that, maybe make some sort of a celebration for you and your friends and your own. Home or do something and stat because it's really important to find that community, find those people that you can spend the holidays with. And by the way, If you live at home. With one of your parents having a plan and putting boundaries in place. Uh, it can be extra challenging.

So do what's possible do it's within your power to set those boundaries, but you might be able to spend maybe a little bit of extra time with that parent. That doesn't live at home. And in doing that, just to make sure to set those clear expectations with the parent who does live at home, you can communicate and say, you know, I don't really get to spend time with dad. And so around the holidays, I'm going to spend a little bit more time with him.

not because I don't love you or anything, but I just want to make sure that I'm giving him some time as well. And so just to make sure to communicate that, and so. To solidify your plan and solidify those boundaries. Write it down. That's that simple. Just write it down, whether that's in a document, a note on your phone, on paper, an app calendar, whatever.

And to help you guys in the PDF guide that I'll tell you about. At the end, we actually have a template that you can copy and just fill in the blanks. Uh, to schedule out, to plan out your time, um, to make a little bit easier on you. Literally just copy that, fill in the details and you're done. So that's step number three, plan ahead, and set boundaries with your parents.

Tip number four, communicate the plan.

And by far, this is the most difficult tip. Most people listening to this, won't do this, or maybe not most, a lot of you guys won't do this. Why it's scary, it's uncomfortable. And I get that. Like, I totally get that. I've been there. Uh, and perhaps you've never stood up for yourself in this way, or you're unsure how your parents are going to respond if you do this.

And so just remember I say this gently, just remember that inaction has a cost. As well, if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. And I believe that you deserve better. And so in crafting how you're going to communicate to your parents, follow the advice of author and speaker Donald Miller.

Who's a mentor of mine. First, he says, figure out what you want to say. And then next you can figure out how you want to say it. So when figuring out what you want to say, we're talking about like the main points in the order of what you want to say, and then figuring out how you're going to say it is the word you're going to use in the method of communicating, like on the phone or through an email, something like that. And so if you can't see both parents make sure to give them a reason why too.

I know sometimes that's the reality. We're in. Maybe need to take a breather. You need to take a year off. Um, just make sure to communicate. Why like in a diplomatic way and focus more on yourself than on them. For example, you can say such things like I can't afford it, or it's just too exhausting for me right now with everything that I have going on or. Um, it's too much for me and my family.

And again, I need a break. This year. And so when it comes to the, by the way, Planning out what you want to say and how you want to say it. In that PDF guide. I mentioned we have some additional tips, um, that Donald Miller and other people recommend when it comes to communication, um, as well. And what if your parents got upset?

That might be a question that's coming to mind as well. I would say, stay calm. Right? Stay calm. Try to display empathy. By just placing yourself in their shoes. I understand that Mr. Shifts, this is new for your parents. They might be just learning how to navigate the holidays. Uh, as well. And so go ahead and have some empathy for them, but also keep your boundaries.

Like you don't need to take down your boundaries just because, you know, they're feeling hurt. And so keep in mind that, um, you're there to, you know, again, love them and be empathetic, but also to speak your truth and just let them know like, Hey, this is where I'm coming from. This is what I'm thinking.

This is what I'm feeling. And so again, to help my team and I have developed, but just copy and paste template to help you communicate with your parents. Obviously you're not going to read it off verbatim or send a verbatim text message, but it can be a starting point, especially. Especially if you're stuck and you don't know what to say. Uh, in a text message and a voice memo and a phone call, video call, whatever way you want to communicate, we give you this template that you can then adapt to your situation.

So that's step number four, communicate the plan. Tip number five, enjoy the holidays.

Now, ironically, it can be easier than it sounds to forget, to enjoy the holidays, especially for people like us. And so creating new traditions, especially if you have your own family or maybe you're surrounded by friends this year. Uh, is a great way to reset and redefine the holidays, especially if they've been really stressful and difficult in years pass.

And one great tip is just. Um, try to serve others, try to be selfless and try to break that cycle that way, whether that means, you know, serving the poor on a holiday or maybe, you know, visiting a nursing home where people are just super alone as well. And so try to break that cycle in a really selfless, loving way and keep in mind that you might need to just lower your expectations for the holidays, especially if you're spending them with your family.

Um, you might not feel the same joy, the same safety, the same security with your parents anymore. Unfortunately, I hate to say that I really. We do. but that's the truth. And again, that's hard to swallow and in the midst of that, um, just try to focus on the deeper meaning of the holiday. That could be something that kind of fills in that void a bit, try to really delve in.

So for example, if you're a Christian, you can just try to delve into dive into. The mystery of Christmas, just this fact that. You know, God became a baby, became a little weak human baby. Like it's mind boggling if you really think about, and I get some of you guys aren't religious and that's totally fine.

I'm glad you're here. And you can skip this part of the. The episode, but for those of you who are, cause I know a lot of you listen. Um, just allow that to kind of capture your attention. Especially in spite of this kind of void. that your family. Uh, may have left, unfortunately. And so don't let the stress and the challenges, um, distract you from the deeper meaning of the heart.

And so that's sit number five. enjoy the holidays. And in closing guys. If you do remember if you do what you've always done for the holidays, you'll get what you've always gotten. And as a result, The stress and the challenges from your broken family can really easily overwhelm you and cause you to do things that later. You'll regret, but there is a better way.

There is a better way. And if you execute the tips that I mentioned in this show, even though some of them are uncomfortable, they truly are. You'll be better equipped to navigate this time of the year and benefit and a lot of different ways. Like you're going to save yourself from trying to please or fix everyone.

You're going to avoid burning out from the stress and difficult emotions. Uh, you'll stay in control by planning time with your parents, which is really good and healthy thing. And you'll be setting clear expectations and boundaries that protect you and your relationships. And finally, you'll experience some relief.

You'll feel less alone and perhaps even enjoy. The holidays again. And so in the end, instead of being controlled by our emotions or the demands of maybe others, Uh, you'll be in control and remember you're not alone. And you're not doomed to experience this forever. Um, we're, we're here to guide you and to walk with you guys through the messiness.

And so if you want that PDF guide that I mentioned. Um, it's totally free and it goes deeper into these points. You can download it at restored ministry.com/holidays. Again, restorative ministry and ministry, singular.com/holidays. Or just click on the link in the description. Or the show notes and it's titled that PDF is titled five tips to navigate the holidays. In a broken family.

And by downloading that guide, you're going to get, again, all the tips that you heard in this episode, just a written down and really accessible format, but we go in further depth as well. you're also going to get those worksheets that I mentioned too, to plan out your time with your parents. Just a simple schedule, just writing everything down.

It can be super quick. Can take, you know, five, 10 minutes to do, but it will really help you, um, with setting up a plan and then communicating that plan. You also get the template for communicating. Uh, with your family, with your parents. That, you know, copy and paste for a text message and email letter, phone call, whatever you want to communicate.

And then you'll get some additional resources as well to help you navigate the holidays, but also just navigate the challenges that come along with coming from a broken family. And so, again, Just go to restored ministry.com/holidays to download that, or just click on the link in the description or the show notes. That wraps up this episode, if you know someone who is struggling because of their parents' divorce or broken family. Share this podcast with them. If you want even take 30 seconds right now to message them. And I always remember, you are not alone.

We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life. And keep him on the words of CS Lewis, who said you can't go back and change at the beginning, but you can start where you are. And change the ending.

My Parents’ Divorces Changed Me

3 minute read.

This story was written by Victoria Garcia at 39 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 3. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My parents were divorced when I was 3. Both of my parents remarried. I lived with my father and my sister went with my mother. My dad remarried when I was four. When my second mother was 7 months pregnant with my brother and I was so excited to be a big sister. My dad told the two of us that we had two days to spend together and that he was leaving my mom. My dad flew me out to a different state to live with my grandparents for a year while he flew to another state and set up a life with his new girlfriend. He came and got me after a year. My dad and his new girlfriend remarried when I was 10 years old. I did not have any contact with my second mom or brother for the next 12 years. I remember being confused in school because I had gone through three different schools, three different states, in three different households in like a year and a half. I look back now and I’m devastated at how it all happened. I very much had empathy with my dad because his parents were both married two or three times each; as I have become a parent, I’m just now realizing the effects that had on me and that I have feelings too and they were valid, though at the time they were not. My dad was like my best friend during his second marriage, and when I came to live with him and his new girlfriend, he was a completely different person.

School was a struggle. My new stepmom had me go through ADHD stuff and I had this obsession with boys and wanting to be married and be a mom and a wife. I was also molested at seven years old during my dad’s second marriage by a friend’s older sister and I did not tell anybody. That led me into a life of masturbation. At 16 years old I got pregnant at my first sexual encounter and had an abortion because I thought my parents would kick me out of the house. As you could imagine that devastated me and put me in a downward spiral because I just wanted to be a mom and a wife. I was engaged two separate times and married once for eight years. With my ex-husband, between the two of us, we had 11 parents and I just wanted to make it work. I only wanted to be married one time. Well, that ended in 2021. I knew that my parents’ divorces changed me, but it wasn’t until I listened to the restored podcast that I felt validated! I listened to the first podcast and streams of tears rolled down my eyes because I do not know anybody else who has had three sets of marriages by 10. I always felt like an outcast. I always felt like the black sheep and I grew up to be the black sheep; drug addictions, alcohol abuse, unhealthy relationships, you name it…that was me.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I was pretty lost when I moved back with my dad and his new girlfriend. I felt out of place, alone, and probably confused. I honestly don’t remember my dad or his new girlfriend/my new mom(mom#3 if you’re counting) ever talking to me about what happened; I was never offered counseling.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

Not feeling heard, valued, or worthy of love. Not knowing what a relationship is supposed to look like, never sharing my feelings, and more.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Look to God. Find a family member that hears you, a mentor. Share your feelings.

---

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#108: It’s Not Your Job to Parent Your Parents | Ashton

If you’re from a broken family and you’ve struggled with OCD, relationships, overthinking, and filling a parent role for your siblings or parents, this episode is for you.

In it, Ashton shares how her parents’ divorce has affected her and her relationships. She also talks about what’s helped her heal and even offers some advice for you. 

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TRANSCRIPT

Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!

If you come from a broken family and you've struggled with things like OCD, overthinking, relationships, or maybe even filling a parent role for your siblings or your parents, this episode is for you. In it, my guest Ashton shares how her parents divorce affected her and especially her relationship. She also shares what's helped her, what's helped her to heal and to move on in life and shares what can help you too.

So keep watching or listening.

Welcome to the Restored Podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents divorce, separation, or broken marriage, so you can feel whole again and break the cycle. I'm your host, Joey Panerelli. This is episode 108. We're so thrilled that so many of you have found this podcast helpful and even healing.

We've heard tons of great feedback. Emily said this, she said, Truly healing five stars. This ministry has helped me through a lot. We all feel alone, yet we desire to find a community that understands the pain of being children of divorce. It doesn't define us, yet it is a part of our story. I cannot recommend this podcast enough.

Another listener said this, she said, I posted a single episode on Facebook today, and about two hours later, a lady posted that she listened to the podcast and finally, after 20 years since her parents divorce, just made an appointment for counseling. Bam. Again, we're so happy that you guys have found this podcast helpful and even healing.

To help us in return, if you've ever had an idea, a guess, a topic, or any other advice to make this podcast better, we'd love to hear from you. You can give us that advice by just filling out our podcast survey. In the survey, we ask questions like, how would you rate the podcast? You know, why do you listen?

Is this podcast too long, too short, or just right? Should we add video? Should we change the format of the show? And a lot of other questions that will guide you in giving your advice. And unlike The production of these podcasts episodes, it doesn't take five to 10 hours to answer the survey. It actually just takes five to 10 minutes to complete it.

And if you've benefited from the podcast, again, it's a great way to help us in return. And it'll also benefit you in two ways. The first way is it'll help us make the show even better for you. But also, if you fill out the survey by November 15th, you're going to be entered to win a 100 Amazon gift card.

To offer your advice, it's really easy. Just go to restoredministry. com slash survey, again, restoredministry, ministry of singular com slash survey. Just answer the questions on there, submit the form, and again, if you do that by the 15th, you'll be entered to win a 100 Amazon gift card. Again, go to restoredministry.

com slash survey, or just click on the link in the show notes. My guest today is Ashton. Ashton is a Catholic Christian woman who resides in Dallas, Fort Worth, Texas. She's passionate about how all things in life integrate with one another. She's worked as an intern for the Theology of the Body Institute and as a missionary for the Christian Renewal Center.

She wants to work in ministry and hopes to one day become a Theology of the Body coach, helping women to know the goodness of their bodies. She also has a heart for those of us who have divorced as part of our stories, and she hopes to accompany those who share. This wound, she's also very passionate about the mission of restored and wants to help many others have healthy relationships.

She also hopes one day to build a healthy marriage and family herself. Now, obviously in this episode, if you can tell we talk about God and faith, and if you don't believe in God, you're totally welcome here. Anyone who's been listening to this show for a while knows that this is not a strictly religious podcast.

And so wherever you're at, I'm glad you're here. You're totally welcome. If you don't believe in God, my challenge for you is this. Just listen with an open mind. I know that even if you were to skip or take out the God part, you'll still benefit a lot from this episode. And so with that, here's my conversation with Ashton.

Ashton, welcome on the show. It's so good to have you here.

you so much, Joey. I'm so grateful to be here. Thank you.

I've been looking forward to this, and we'll just dive right in as we usually do. How old were you when your parents separated and later got divorced?

Yeah, so I was, I wanna say nine, 10, maybe. I just remember being in the third grade, so somewhere around nine to 10 years old.

And was it kind of a one and done for you or did it drag out over years? I know that different people have different stories.

Yeah, I would say it was more of like a one and done type of divorce. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Totally makes sense. And to whatever degree you're comfortable sharing, uh, what happened?

Yeah. So, um, a lot of the details are kind of vague, just 'cause I was so young, but I still do remember quite a bit. I, I just remember Um, yeah, my mom left my dad and, uh, it just was really chaotic from that point. She was like, I'm leaving you. And then just so much, yeah. Like kind of chaos and messiness and hard, um, unfolded from that just 'cause of Yeah, my dad being so surprised and hurt and, uh, so yeah.

Okay, that makes sense. And do you remember being in shock? Do you remember being surprised as well?

Yeah, I was just like confused on how to make sense of it all. Um, just being so young, just not really totally understanding what is divorce like. Yeah. Very,

very much in shock, like

No, that totally makes sense and I think that's, uh, such a common experience and, and that's actually a trauma response, as you probably will. Well know

that when something, you know, that overwhelms our ability to to cope, um, comes into our life, then yeah, we do kind of go through that trauma response.

One of the steps being . You know, being overwhelmed, being kind of in shock, kind of having the deer in the headlights, uh, look in our eyes even on, on a bodily level. So I'm curious how, you know, all of that, your, your parents, uh, divorce, everything that led up to it, but also everything that came from it.

How did that affect you over the years?

yeah, it definitely looked like a lot of us having to kind of step up and take on roles that, you know, weren't, aren't expected of Yeah. Children to take on. Um, For me, um, it definitely looked like, as looked like as the years kind of progressed with my parents' divorce and that unfolding, um, yeah, me taking on a very mature role, kind of playing mom, um, taking care of my siblings and yeah, just all of us kind of stepping up and kind of raising ourselves in ways just because

yeah, like that's unfortunately the reality of divorce is, you know, like with my dad, just having to like really s. Like, provide and take care of things financially, it was looked like. Yeah. Just him being gone a lot. And then with my mom not seeing us as much, so it just, it looked like us. Yeah. Really stepping up and taking on, very mature roles from a young age. I mean, at least for myself. Can't speak for all my siblings, but, but that's what it looked like for me. Um,

how many siblings again, and where do you fall in line?

Mm-hmm. . So I'm the third oldest. I have six sisters and one brother.

Okay. Nice. Okay. So big family. And

that makes sense if you're towards the top or towards the front that you would take on more of the parental,

uh, responsibility as well. And, and I experienced that too. Um, especially being number two in my family of six. We, um, yeah. Definitely we're thrown into that role of kind of raising our little siblings and, uh, you know, filling other roles that we really shouldn't have had to

fill as well.

So it is, it's a tough, it's a

difficult situation and you kind of feel like stuck in between two like really hard places where it's like, well, if you do kind of step into that role, it's not the healthiest thing. It's not really what it's meant to be. But if you don't, what happens to your siblings? Did you wrestle with that?

Oh, definitely, definitely. I was like, I, I mean, I have to take on this role, like my siblings need me. Like I had a lot of, I have a lot of younger siblings, so I was like, it, it just felt. You know, expected of me to take on that role, it only felt right, um, just given the circumstances. Um, yeah, and I, I know just to share too with like my parents' divorce, like it felt very much like I was playing monkey in the middle a lot with like the way that my parents' marriage broke down and just the messiness of it all. And so I'll say that was a challenge for me of like constantly having mom say one thing about dad, constantly having dad say things about mom. And so that was definitely tough and I'm sure others can relate to that and how difficult that really can be.

100% and no, there's so many difficult things you have to navigate that no one would ever think of. . Parents usually don't think of when they're considering a divorce.

Mm-hmm.

We wouldn't, as children can think that they would become a reality and then later in life we're just like, hit with them and we don't even often talk about them, but, but they're very real.

And one of the things I just wanna say to everyone listening who's maybe facing that same situation where you're kind of thrown into a role that you weren't meant to play, um, when it comes to your siblings in particular, um, I think there is . Something to be said in, in certain situations where you kind of do need to step into that role.

Um, but I would say if there's no other alternative, again, it shouldn't be you, but if there's no other alternative, keep in mind that it is a temporary thing. It's a season in your life. And that's what I had to remember too, because I think where it can become really unhealthy again, it's better the parents fill that role, that's what they're meant to do.

But if we need to at a dire necessity, . It's really unhealthy if we then continue for years and years and years and don't move forward in our own lives because we feel this perpetual obligation to our siblings. And what I've come to kind of wrestling this with, with this myself, is that moving on.

Again, assuming that you're not like putting your siblings in like on, on the street or something like that, that's not what I'm talking about. Like they need to be in a stable position. But you moving on, you growing, you hopefully thriving in life. You, um, going to where you know you're meant to be. I. Is gonna be a better example and actually be better for not only you but your siblings, uh, in the long run because they're gonna see you hopefully go on and build healthy relationships.

They're gonna see you hopefully build a good, beautiful marriage. And that probably in itself too, um, is gonna be one of the most inspiring and helpful things for them because as you know, Ashton, one of the things that people like us struggle with the most is our own romantic relationships. Like it's a real

struggle to even believe that love can last, that marriage can last because we saw it break apart and the marriage that we know best our parents.

And so when it's our turn, we're filled with all sorts of anxiety and fear, and we just feel lost. Like we don't know how to go about building. A marriage. And so if we can be that example to our siblings about how to move on, move forward in life in a healthy way, I think that's gonna do far more good than if you were constantly by their side, you know, raising them as as their parent.

Would you agree with that?

Oh. Mm-hmm. . Hundred percent agreed.

it's a tricky thing to go through though. And, uh, there, you know, I wish there were, that's just the principle that we have found, uh, helpful. But obviously that's not as like black and white in some situations. So that's where it's so helpful to have like mentors and guides in your life who can walk with you and help you apply the principles and make those decisions, um, in, in the unique kind of nuanced situations that, that you find yourself in.

So anything else I guess you would add about how you know your parents' divorce affected you?

so I would say that some of the ways that I coped that were I guess that, yeah, the ways that my parents divorce affected me, and I guess to an unhealthy extent, is that, yeah. With taking on that That very mature role at a young age, and kind of playing mom it, yeah, like it kind of affected, um, my relationship with my siblings a little bit 'cause I was constantly like frustrated about things needing to be clean.

And I would say that's probably falls into one of the unhealthy ways that I coped. And I mean, thankfully, I guess I could have coped in a lot unhealthier ways and not to shame anyone that has fallen into un, like there's a lot of unhealthy ways to cope, like drugs, alcohol, all that. Um, thankfully I didn't get into that, but. I guess an unhealthy way I coped was, I guess through cleaning and like,

if everything is clean, like everything's gonna be okay. And it kind of became this like obsession. And um, I would say that that was, you know, one could say, well, that's kind of a healthy way to cope, but to the extent that I went about it, it wasn't healthy.

It became so controlling of like, I can't just relax and be a kid because I have to make sure everything's clean and everything will be okay if everything's clean and I stay healthy. And so I would say that that was one of the. the. negative impacts of my parents' divorce on me is yeah, just developing this like extreme around like cleanliness and, I mean, thankfully it's gotten so much better as I've gotten older, um, and really entered into that healing journey.

But that was something that was super challenging of just, yeah, not being able to be like other kids and not be afraid of germs and just constantly feeling like everything has to be clean for everyone to be okay.

No, that totally makes sense. There's a few things going on there, I think, and I, 'cause I experienced some of that myself, like falling into O C D and I have, we've seen a trend a bit for people like us from broken families falling into that. I don't know if there's any official research, we haven't reviewed that yet, but,

um, it almost seems like we could be more likely to

Become obsessive compulsive.

And so, um, yeah, I think there, there's a few different things there. One, I know for me it was almost like a way of Yeah. Exerting control in a very chaotic, uncontrollable situation.

And so, yeah. You know, for me it was not necessarily like cleanliness, but more organization, just things being in there like.

Right place as opposed to like, you know, spraying everything down, making sure there weren't germs. And so, but I know other people who, yeah, they were really, really debilitated by like a fear of germs and things like that, um, that kind of attached itself to, you know, whatever they had been through before that in their family.

And to the point where, you know, these things get extreme. They can get really unhealthy where, you know, you're . Skin becomes raw or you know, it, it just gets to this really un unhealthy extent. So yeah, I can totally relate there. And, uh, yeah, there, there's so much more to say there, but, um, but that makes sense.

And, uh, when it came to your relationships, I'm curious, you know, uh, especially dating relationships and maybe relationships with men, like how did that all play out? How did you know what you came from in your family, the effects of your parents' divorce impact your relationships?

Mm-hmm. So I would say like when I was younger, um, like going into high school, it definitely looked like wanting to try to, um, fit in and like, you know, attract attention, um, through like the clothing that I wore and just like, yeah, just I think seeking attention in the wrong ways. And, um, so that was, I think, yeah, maybe a negative thing. Um, but when it came to dating, I, I really think there was a great fear around it. 'cause I've done very little dating, um, to this point. Um, but I would say that one of the struggles has been just, yeah, this fear of like, I, like how could, yeah, I just am so broken. Like how could I enter into a relationship and like, yeah, just be accepted in all of my, my mess.

And I mean, thanks, thank the Lord for restored. Um, because that's helped me so much to realize that yeah, like I can build like a healthy marriage one day and like I can have healthy relationships and just like really learning those practical tools and, um, skills and stuff to like grow in virtue and to, to really show up in a, and have a healthy relationship.

And, um, So, yeah, I'd say that there's just been, like in the dating that I've done just a lot of fear and overthinking and, uh, just, yeah, just not like, um, like it's just been a lot more challenging, and just, yeah, like a fear of even entering into it at all. Um, but yeah, on the flip side of that, I would say one of the positives has been, um, it's really over the years actually, uh, just Allowed me to, or I've just grown in this like desire to really understand like what is love. And so, my years of being single and not really dating, um, I. I've kind of, I would say like it's been this like research project, mission, whatever you wanna call it, of like really trying to understand what is love.

Like if I get married one day, like what am I actually saying yes to?

And um, and so it's been this beautiful journey Yeah. Of just really trying to understand how to love, what is love and um, I think that, um, yeah, that's probably one of the blessings of my parents' divorce is it's put me on this mission to really understand what love is and what is authentic love and how can I really love and, um, especially like showing up in a dating relationship.

How can I show up? Well, and um, actually just wanna share for any of the ladies that happen to listen to this, I went through a course called, Intentional summer, uh, intentional singer, single the intentional single, sorry, I'm stumbling over my words here. This previous summer. And, um, that was an incredible course, uh, for single, even dating women to really understand Yeah.

Like how to process your emotions, like how to, um, yeah, just how to show up well in dating and, uh, that was just a great, um, resource for me, a great course to go through.

Love that. Yeah, no, I, I can relate to so much what you said, not about being a single woman, but I can relate to a lot of the other stuff. So, um, yeah, just the fear that, you know, uh, just not believing that love and marriage actually lasted. I, I wrestled with all that same stuff and it was, um, it, it's a real struggle.

Like now looking back, it's like, okay, I was able to work through it, overcome it, and now, you know, be married for over five years and. Have, you know, to, uh, a baby. And so it's, yeah, it, it's amazing you can get there. Um, not that I've like made some summit, but like you can work through the fear, work through kind of the lack of like knowledge and lack of like, I don't know how to build a healthy relationship and get to what you ultimately desire, which is love.

Whatever form, you know, that might look like in, in your particular life. But it's, um, yeah, no, it's really beautiful that you were kind of set on that quest to figure out what is love. And interestingly, for everyone listening. That's what marriage researchers have actually found as a, an essential ingredient for a great marriage is just having what they call a realistic concept of love.

Uh, which in other words means like the knowing, the truth about love, knowing what it's not, and knowing what it is. Um, and if you do that, I. You're gonna have a much greater likelihood of having a really healthy, thriving, happy marriage. So it's beautiful. You've been on, on that quest. And when it comes to, um, overthinking, let's touch on that a little bit,

if you're willing to go deeper there, because I think so many of us deal with this.

I know I did, especially in my earliest relationships. It was just like, man, I, I remember Ashton, it was like constantly . Questioning, like, is this the right thing? Is this the right thing? Should I be with this girl? Should I, you know, um, am I meant to be with this girl? And then also every little maybe disagreement or anything that I perceived as being like, out of sync in the relationship, I would focus on so hard to the point where all our conversations became very heavy.

Like the con the whole relationship became very heavy. It wasn't very life-giving. It was kind of like this constant thing. Are we okay? Are we okay? And um, .

Again, thankfully been able, was able to like, work through that and get to a better spot. But it was like in the moment, man, that was, that was really a, a tough thing to go through and not, not healthy.

So just curious, kind of your, um, experience going through the, the whole questioning

like you mentioned.

Yeah. Thank you Joey, for sharing that. I definitely can relate. I feel like the overthinking and even making decisions has just felt so debilitating of like, why can I not just make a decision? Why do I have to overthink this so much? And it's definitely been, yeah, it definitely was a struggle and can still be at times.

And it, it's, it's very frustrating and I, I feel like, I feel like it I wonder if it's like, because there's not, we didn't have, maybe I, for me, maybe didn't have that like secure attachment developed fully with like my parents and the breakdown of their marriage and not having them to like model some things to me. Um, I don't wanna honor them, but like, I just, just being honest, like I feel like some things that. Yeah, I, I lacked from the divorce. Um, and so I wonder if that has anything to do with like, why can't I not make a decision and why am I overthinking so much? It's 'cause like, I, I don't have that security almost.

I, I feel like that's something I've struggled with is insecurity too. Like, just not being able to be confident in, in myself. Like that's actually something that, and I'm so thankful for mentors in my life, have really helped me. But making decisions has been something that has been challenging. And they've really affirmed that in on my journey of like, Hey, you're making decisions. Like this is huge. And I'm like, oh wow. This is huge. Like, I've always struggled with that. So

Good, good for you. I'm, I'm so glad to see that growth, and I think it's so hopeful that every, anyone listening right now who, who feels the same struggle, where they feel like they can't make decisions

or they overthink everything, so that, that's beautiful. That you, you can make ground, you can get to a better spot.

And, uh, no, I, I love what you're saying about security. I think it's so key. One of the things I've noticed in people who come from intact families, especially children, like when you're younger, I think it's even more apparent when we get older, we're better at hiding things, but.

Mm-hmm.

they almost feel like this freedom to fail.

They feel this freedom to like risk, they feel this freedom to try things and not work out.

And I think it's because they have this safety net of their family, uh, not in an unhealthy way necessarily, where they can do like any unhealthy thing and they'll be fine, but like ticking again, good risks, good challenges, and so,

O one way to think about, it's like rock climbing. It's like who's gonna be the more fearless climber? Typically the one who has a harness who is, you know, attached to a rope who if they do fall, it might hurt, but they're gonna be caught. Or someone who's like, Nope, no harness. You just have to go up this rock face.

by yourself , like, of course we're gonna be timid. Of course we're gonna be extra, extra careful. Of course we're gonna overthink things and not move as quickly. And so I think that's the reality. I think that's what happens with so many of us. And like you said, thankfully you can move beyond that. You can figure out how to, um, hopefully build a bit of a safety net around you

through relationships, through mentors.

Um, but then also, yeah, just learn, um, how to move in spite of where you are.

Yeah, absolutely.

Anything you'd add to, to any of that or any, any lessons you've learned, I guess, in terms of kind of getting unstuck, not overthinking as much and making good decisions, any principles that you're using to, to do that?

I think just really just having people that can, that believe in you, that like are rooting for you, like that has helped me so much. and being able to like kind of build that trust with myself and also my faith, like just, in my life really affirming me and. Guiding me and giving me tools, leading me to resources.

No, I love that. And what I hear you saying is that, and please correct me if I'm wrong, It built confidence. Having those mentors, having those people affirm you, give you resource, give you tools, resources and tools to use, built your confidence to where you were better able to kind of stand in your own feet and make those decisions yourselves.

Is, is that

right?

Mm-hmm.

And that's totally been the experience, uh, for me as well. So I think lots of good, good lessons there, but this is such a struggle for people like us who, who come from, uh, broken families. when it comes to, to coping and healing, you know, uh, . What, what has, what's helped you? What are maybe two or three things that have helped you cope in healthy ways and helped you, uh, to heal the most? 

so when I was younger, I was in, throughout middle school and high school. I was a part of a, a sport cross country and track, and I would say that that was Huge, um, helping me to really have just this outlet and like teammates to really like lean on, um, and just get through all of the, the hard things with, um, so that was very much a way that I coped was through my sport and just pouring myself into that. friendships. Um, we, people need people. We really need people and that has been so healing for me in a way that, yeah, I guess I've Coped is through just having people who can receive my heart. Um, and mentors, like I've said a couple times, just that accompaniment. Like we need people like we really do, and that's helped me cope so much. and music, I think music

and podcast have been tremendously helpful for me on the journey. Um, worship music in particular, I've, I've, yeah, it's really helped me through a lot of low times, just being able to put on a song where I can really. Let the tears flow and like just let myself feel, um, whatever needs to come up.

And I think that's huge. I think sometimes we have this temptation to like hold it all in. Um, or maybe that's just how we cope is to just not express it. But I think I've heard, I think Sister Mary May have said this, um, healing is feeling and so it's just so huge to like really let yourself feel. And that's where I've actually, I think I really experienced a lot of healing is in those moments where I can just cry out and just let myself be angry, let myself be sad. And um, yeah, that's just been something that's been very helpful for me is to just let yourself feel all of the emotions. I think that's something I kind of struggled with was like, oh, I shouldn't feel this way.

Like I need to quickly go back to being positive, but like, Just letting yourself feel whatever you need to feel. Um, of course, not trying to stay in the negative emotions for too long, but like you can hold both. Like you can be grateful for the blessings in your life, but also be, you know, just sad. I think just something I would love to share, um, is a story actually.

So whenever I came back from, I, I was a missionary for a year and when I came back I I decided not to go back to live with my dad, who I lived with all of my life. Um, and I decided to stay with my mom, but I remember feeling really frustrated because I knew that that was gonna cause some like tension and like just, I don't know, I was just like really frustrated and angry.

I'm like, why can I just have one house to come home to? Like, I'm so, like, I was, that was probably when I actually. I really let myself just grieve the divorce in a way that I hadn't for so many years of just like being so angry, crying out to God of like, why? Like why can't I just have one family with two parents like to embrace me when I come back from being gone for a whole year?

And um, so yeah, I just share that to just express that it's so important to just let yourself feel. Um, and I know, yeah, that was helpful for me. So just wanted to share that.

I love that. No, that's great advice. And I know, again, I can relate I, those like negative emotions were ones that I like, avoided, tried to avoid like the plague and, uh, in time. Yeah, I, I was able to, to grow when I just embraced him, like he said. And so for anyone out there who, . Maybe you're in that spot right now where you try to avoid feeling sadness.

You try to avoid feeling maybe anxiety or anger or whatever is negative in your mind, and maybe you're thinking that that's the goal, to, to feel some sort of like numbness or always to feel happy. Um, that's not the goal. That's not human actually. We have all the emotions for a reason. And, uh, , I have kind of a, an odd assignment for you if, if you're in that spot, We are struggling to kind of, you know, understand your emotions, especially dealing with those negative ones.

I'd actually invite you to watch the movie Inside Out, the Pixar movie Inside

Out. It's a great, it's a great movie. It's like that. There's so many, um, awesome lessons in there about kind of the purpose of our emotions, especially those quote unquote negative emotions. And so that's the assignment. I know it's on like Disney Plus and

If you can get it, I'm sure, uh, anywhere else, uh, for a few bucks. But I would, uh, yeah, I would challenge you to watch that and see kind of where that leads you. On that. I'm curious, um, you've mentioned to me separately, and you alluded to this earlier, that resort has been really helpful for you and I'm so honored, um, that we've had the chance to just guide you and to play a role.

Uh, you are the hero, you're the one who's making it happen. Uh, but we're, we're happy to, to be with them. One of those mentors that you mentioned. And so I'm curious, uh, how have we helped you? What, what has helped you from restore? 

Oh, Joey, I am so grateful for Restored I'm, I'm smiling ear to ear over here. 'cause Restored has been, Such a blessing in my life. I'm just so grateful that I came across restored. Like I, I feel like a walking billboard for it. I'm just like restored. It's just so great. Um, but yeah, it's, it's seriously helped me tremendously.

I actually came across it when I was a missionary and I, I was just like on a search to find another podcast, and then I came across this one and I was like, Wow. Like I felt so seen in listening to like each episode, like I just wanted to keep listening. I was like, oh my gosh, like this is actually being acknowledged, like this pain that I felt, this like loneliness, this just like all the struggles that come with like being like a child of divorce, like. It, it just felt like a, yeah, just I finally came across just something that actually gave language to what I was feeling. And, and it was, yeah, just Joey, like I, I felt so reverenced in each episode for like, the pain, um, that I experienced and, um, yeah, just so thankful for, for Restored, and I've also just learned a lot.

It's helped me so much to heal. Um, Because I learned a lot of practical things through the episode of like how to grow in virtue, how to have healthy relationships, which I so desire want to learn. And so there's just been so much learning and healing through restored and then also finding out about, um, life-giving wounds through one of the episodes, which really helped me to enter more on the healing journey.

And so I just, my heart is, goes out to restore it in your team. Like I am just so, so grateful for coming across this beautiful ministry. And I, yeah, just Could scream it from the rooftops. I'm so thankful for Restore It's helped me so much and will continue to, and I know it'll continue to help a lot of people, so,

No, we're honored. Thanks for the kind words, and,

um, thank, I'm so glad. It's been helpful. We do it for you and, um, yeah, no, it's beautiful to hear. So yeah,

thank you for saying all that. And,

of course.

no, you're, you're the ones who's making it happen though. You, you're the hero and. So well done there. Um, you already mentioned a bunch of this, so this might be a little redundant, but I'm just curious, um, yeah, if there have been any, like changes you've seen or made, um, in particular because you've been consuming the content or using our other resources.

You already mentioned a couple things, but I'm curious if there's anything else I.

definitely. I feel like it's given me actually like a lot of hope, um, that I can actually, you know, enter into the dating scene, for instance, like I I've, and, and also that like marriage can last, like I found myself really believing that more. cause I think that's, yeah, definitely a common struggle for us is like, can this last, like, do I even wanna get married?

And I know for me it's, it's been a desire on my heart for so long. And even with my parents' marriage breaking down, I'm like, I've always believed that, yeah, it's possible. But restored has really given me that confidence of like, yeah, this actually is possible. So it's given me A lot of hope, I would say is the big thing. Um, yeah. Just so many Yeah. Tools and,

Love that.

No, thank you for, for all that and kind of zooming out from your story too. I'm curious, you know, I know you would say you're still a work in progress. I know. I am too.

Hundred

percent.

Yeah. But like how is your life different generally, not just because of Restore, but in general that you've kind of embarked on this journey of like healing and growth and building virtue.

How have you seen your life change from maybe before to where you are now?

Yeah, absolutely. The healing journey is an ongoing journey. It's, it's lifelong, it's it's, yeah, it's an ongoing journey and I'm, it's, I'm here for it. It's worth it. It is so painful at times, but it's. it's. yeah, painful, messy, but beautiful and so glorious and so worth it. Um, and I would say that, yeah, just upon entering on the healing journey, um, I've noticed that I'm more free. I, I live a life of more freedom, um, and confidence. and yeah, just a, I just see differently than I did before. Um, and it's, it's, it's very beautiful. Um, Yeah. It's not to say it's all easy in rainbows and sun sunshines all the time, but entering on the healing journey has really allowed me to experience, yeah, freedom and just a lot of, yeah, just like compassion and, um, yeah, just there's so much I could say there, but those are some things that come to mind.

It's just, I feel a lot more free and hopeful.

Love

that. Beautiful. And, and you deserve that. You're worth it. And everyone listening is too. So

that's, uh, so good. And if your parents were listening right now, um, what would you want them to know? Like what, what would you say to them if they were listening?

Yeah. I would want them to know that they are so loved and I'm so thankful that God, um, gave me them as parents, um, wouldn't want any other parents and that, God, that God just forgives them and loves them and I forgive them and they are just, yeah, just gifts. My parents are such gifts and all of the. Brokenness. Um, from the divorce, there's still a lot of beautiful, like God makes the broken, beautiful, and, um, can take all of the broken pieces and create just this beautiful mosaic. And, They're g they're gifts and very grateful for everything, even the messiness of it all. That's why I am who I am today and, um, yeah.

I could tell you really love them, and I think that's always something that . people listening to this, especially parents who maybe are divorced, there's this fear that maybe we would be encouraging the children to rebel against their parents, to hate them, to

just feel this anger always perpetually.

Um, and, and that's not the case. In the end, we, you know, there might be some anger involved. There might be some boundaries that need to be in place. There might be some really difficult conversations. Um, but in the end, what we're working toward . Is having that good, healthy relationship with each other, because that is one of the keys to being happy, is having those good family relationships.

And so that's what we are trying to, to do here, but that can't be on, that can't be built on like a faulty foundation of just like kind of not talking about the painful and difficult things, or not acknowledging that there's been hurt, that there's been harm. No, you have to go there if you want, you know, a really strong, strong relationship.

Right. Yeah, I've heard it once of like, it's honor and honesty, right? We wanna be honest with our experience, but obviously honor them as well. Honor it, so,

Ashton, thank you so much for coming on the show. If people wanna reach out to you, uh, what's the best way to do that? I know that, um, you're in the restored community so they can

perhaps join that to, to contact you, but if there's any other way, um, feel free to mention that.

Yeah. Um, so I've not really been on social media too much as of late, but, um, my Instagram handle is Ashton dot Feld and Joey can put that in the show notes. If you wanna gimme a follow on there and maybe send me a message on there or, yeah, like Joey said, the, the, a great way to reach me really right now is through the, uh, community, um, restored community.

Love it. Thanks again for your time for coming on here. I want to give you the last word. What encouragement, what advice would you give to someone listening right now who, who feels broken? Who feels

stuck in life? Uh, largely because of the breakdown of their family and their parents' divorce? What encouragement advice would you give to them?

Hmm. Yeah. I just wanna reverence that, that pain and that, yeah. Just the place that you're in right now, that you find yourself. Um, 'cause that's real and it's hard and it's painful, um, sometimes. Um, and just, yeah, I wanna encourage you in whatever place you find yourself, I just want you to know that you're loved there, that you're seen, that you're known. And, uh, I want you to really hold onto hope, even if it feels like it's super far away. I get that. Um, but I, I want you to know that there is hope, That redemption is so real that Yeah. Like the Lord redeems and, um, the story doesn't end here. Um, there's just a beautiful Yeah. Life ahead of you, and I just want you to keep holding onto hope and, know that Yeah.

Just the Lord will Yeah. Redeem every single place. Um, where there's been wounds, where there's wounds, um, where there's been deprivation of love like the Lord. Does not intend to leave you deprived of love. Like he's gonna come in and just Yeah. Like redeem. Yeah, just, I just want you to know that redemption is so real and that you are just most loved and there is hope and healing takes time. Um, but it, it's so worth it. So keep going and know that I'm rooting for you. I'm here for you.

People like Ashton honestly inspire me. When you think of everything she's been through, all the dysfunction, all the trauma, it would have been a lot easier for her to just lay down and say like, no, you know, I'm done. Like I can't heal. I can't grow. I'm kind of stuck. She could have chosen to remain a victim, but she refused.

She said, no, no, I'm going to work on myself. I'm going to heal. I'm going to grow. I'm going to pursue the life and the relationships that are really long for. And I admire that so much. And I'm so glad that restored. was able to play a role as a guide and helping her on that journey. Now, if Restored has helped you, like I mentioned before, there's a way that you can help us in return.

Now, I'm not asking you to donate hundreds or thousands of dollars, and I'm not even asking you to donate hours and hours of your time, uh, as a volunteer. I'm just asking you to take five to 10 minutes to fill out our podcast survey. And through that survey, you can offer your advice on how you would make this podcast better.

And to do that, it's really simple. Just go to Restored Ministry. So, again, go to restoredministry. com slash survey, or you can just click on the link in the show notes. Just fill out the survey there, answer the questions, submit it, and then if you do that by the 15th of November, you'll automatically be entered to win a 100 Amazon gift card.

And so, again, go to restoredministry. com slash survey. Or just click on the link in the show notes. That wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling because of their parents divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them. Seriously, if you want to, take 30 seconds now to just text them this episode or another episode.

And always remember, you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break that cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life. And keep in mind the words of C. S. Lewis who said, You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

#107: Forgiving Someone Who’s Hurt You | John O’Brien

When trauma occurs, it causes you to ask big questions. That’s where my guest found himself after being brutally attacked, almost to the point of death, by people he was trying to help. 

In this episode, you’ll hear the story of the attack, plus he answers:

• Has forgiveness been difficult for you?

• Why forgive? What are the benefits? What happens if we don’t forgive?

• How do you forgive someone who has hurt you?

Take the podcast survey

Links & Resources

Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through the links on this page, your purchase will support Restored at no additional cost to you. Thank you!

• John O’Brein

  • Aquinas Forum

  • john@aquinasforum.org

• #058: Forgiveness: The Secret to Healing and Freedom | Fr. John Burns

• To leave feedback, comment below or contact us.

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TRANSCRIPT

Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!

When trauma happens, whether it's someone dying or your family falling apart or any other type, it causes you to ask big questions. And that's where my guest found himself after being brutally attacked almost to the point of death by people that he was trying to help. In this episode, you'll hear him share that story of the attack.

Plus he answers questions like, how has the attack affected you over the years? Has forgiveness been difficult for you? Why forgive? What are the benefits? What happens if we don't forgive? And how do you forgive someone who has hurt you? Intense story, but good content. Keep listening.

Welcome to the Restored Podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parent's divorce, separation, or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again and break the cycle. I'm your host, Joey Pontarelli. This is episode 107. We're thrilled that so many of you have found the podcast so helpful and even healing.

We've heard lots of feedback. One listener said, amazing five stars been looking for a podcast like this, finally found one that has helped me more. Then you'll ever know. Thank you. Another said, Surprisingly helpful, not what I expected. Five stars. They went on to say, I've always said that I'm okay. That what happened couldn't have changed who I was.

Of course it changed me. I still run away from many topics related to divorce, but listening to this podcast isn't like hearing from a bunch of psychologists tell me all the ways I'm really okay. It's much more helpful to hear that this is not okay, and it will never be okay. Lots more reviews like that that we don't have time to share right now, but we will in the future.

Again, we're so happy to hear that it's been so helpful. We do it for you. If you've ever had an idea, guest, topic, or any other advice to make this podcast better, we'd love to hear from you. To offer your advice, you can just take our podcast survey. On it, we ask questions like, how would you rate the podcast?

Of the options listed, why do you listen? Is the podcast length too long, too short, or just right? Should we add video? Should we change the format of the show? And other questions that'll guide you in giving your advice, which we really value. It does take five to ten minutes to complete it. But if you've benefited from this podcast, think of it as a way to help us in return.

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My guest today is John O'Brien. John is the founder and executive director of the Aquinas Forum, a nonprofit organization based in Denver, Colorado, for faith formation and Catholic studies. He holds a bachelor's degree and master's degree in theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville and has taught faith formation to every age level.

Beginning as a high school theology and humanities teacher, he later became the director of faith formation for a flourishing parish in Denver, Colorado. During his tenure as a parish director of formation, part of his role included directing over 240 young adults in 25 small groups. He also started a monthly candlelight mass that continues nine years later and was a starting point for over 50 marriages, if you can believe that.

Uh, to help people grow in faith and develop a Catholic vision of life is the hallmark of all of his work. So obviously in this episode we talk about God, we talk about faith. If you don't believe in God, you're totally welcome here. Anyone listening for a while knows that this podcast is not a strictly religious show.

And so wherever you're at, I'm glad you're here. If you don't believe in God, my challenge for you is this. Just listen with an open mind. Even if you skip or take out the God part, you're still going to benefit from this episode. With that, here's my conversation with John.

John, welcome to the show. So good to have you, man. Great to be here, Joey. I've been looking forward to this and let's dive right in. So, years ago you went through a very traumatic event. Yep. And I, I don't want to tell the story. I want you to tell the story. What happened there? Well, there's a lot to be said, but I just completed graduate school and got the master's in theology and wanted to begin a career in teaching at some point, but For the, for the present time.

I wanted to, uh, experience this opportunity that was presented to me. A few of my college friends were going out to a ranch in northwest Wyoming. It sounded really cool. I'd been, you know, just in the classroom forever. I was age 24. Lots of paper, lots of pens, computers, like, oh man, you spent some time in the west.

That sounds good. Mm-hmm. , the thing is, it was delinquent youth ranch and so that, that was a bit of a twist, but that sounded cool too 'cause I just wanted to go and help be a counselor. You know, just be with the kids, take care of them. Yeah, that's heroic. That's well, you know, it felt right, felt right for the time and kind of grow up experiencing maturity.

And when I got out there, though, I'm going to have to kind of keep this simple, I think, for the sake of our timing for the podcast, but you'll get the important elements. I'd only been there for two weeks. Again, it was a delinquent youth ranch. So the kids that were there were used to kind of relatively small crime.

Um, But, but some bigger, some, uh, some violence, some just kind of overdrinking, problematic child, terrible relationship with the parents. So the parents at some point, because the children are out of control, they'd have to, uh, force them to pack up and go to the ranch. Wow. Okay. So the kids didn't want to be there and one night, just two weeks into the, to my time at the ranch, they caught wind.

I was going to be the only counselor there that night. There were nine boys, middle teens, and the manager approved it. I didn't know what was going on cause I'd only been there for two weeks, but the manager approved it. I was the only guy there. Treat everything as a normal day. Uh, say a rosary before the campfire about 10 PM, put them down to sleep in their tent, all under the Wyoming high desert.

Wow. Beautiful area. So I put him in the tent, I get him in my sleeping bag, bed roll, not in the tent, just like under the stars, see the Milky Way, it's gorgeous, I was in a great mood, like I was looking forward to being out there for a year. One week later I wake up in the hospital, the intensive care unit.

Billings, Montana, and what happened was they waited until I fell asleep about 10 PM and then about 1130 They said we're gonna go through with the with with what we had planned So they had three options. The first one was to tie me up with a rope and their object is very simple I had a duffel bag next to me.

The truck keys were in the bag. So but I was in I was in the way So they're like, well, let's think of a way to get to take care of. Mr. Obi is what they called me Rob Ryan. And they said, well, let's think of a way we can take care of Mr. Obi and then take the keys of the truck and go. Wow. First option was tying me up with a rope, but they said, well, he's, he's, he's bigger than us.

And so if, if we get into trouble, that's not going to be good. Yeah. You're, you're for everyone who doesn't know what John looks like. He's a tall, strong dude. So yeah. Can't think of a joke. So I have to just kind of a lame guy But and so that was the first option just tie me up. They said that that there could be problems The second option was they could stab me, but they said well, that's too violent Then the third option they said and I had argued this is just as violent but take garden shovels try to knock me out Wow, so that's what they did They snuck out of the truck, or excuse me, they snuck out of the tent about 1130.

They picked up garden shovels that were nearby, um, we were doing some work earlier in the afternoon. We used the shovels for it. They pick up the shovels, they count to three, they've surrounded me, I'm asleep. And they pound my head and for eight to 10 hits, because there were five other boys right there during the, this whole scene, we have witness testimony, like minute to minute, you know?

And so one of the boys said, I think I heard eight to 10 hits. He told the detective and it sounded like, uh, it sounded like aluminum, an aluminum bat hitting rocks. And so that was me. Did you wake up through that? I did wake up, but I don't have any memory of it, so I didn't lose any consciousness during this experience, but I was knocked into shock, so I don't remember it.

Yeah. Thank God. Yeah. Seriously. Wow. So anyways, I'm on the sleeping bag, uh, kind of left for dead. One of the boys, uh, goes back to the other boys that were in the tent and said, you know, get out of here. Let's go hop in the truck. And they're all scared for the life, of course. So they do it. One boy not involved in the assault puts on his cowboy boots.

And runs like hell to the staff house. He saved my life. Wow. If it wasn't for him, if he would have thought more about his own safety than me, I would be in the great beyond. Wow. As you call it, Joey. The great beyond. So he runs, he gets help, but before they take off, this, this episode really haunted me in the first few years.

I was struggling with things. Um, he comes back from the truck just to kind of make sure, I don't know, I'm, uh, not dangerous for their plot. And I'm kind of sitting up in my sleeping bag. Yeah, bloodied and just just a wreck because the the assault immediately caused a skull fracture hand fracture a Subdural hematoma or a blood clot started forming on the brain and so I was out of it Well, he kneels down because I'm sitting on my bedroll just kind of dazed The other boy said and he he bends down kind of looks at my face looks my eyes And then takes a step back and just kicks me.

Bad scene. It's interesting. I've never gotten emotional about that scene. I have a little bit of a PhD, Joey, in disassociation. Fair enough. So, so that happens. And of course I'm, I'm out. They hop in the truck, they take off. They're caught later that night, right? By the Wyoming highway patrol. I'll talk very, very soon here about kind of their, what happened to them, but.

So I'm in the sleeping bag, about a half an hour later, uh, staff comes and gets help, uh, uh, rather. A half an hour later, staff comes, loads me up in a truck because they said the ambulance was not going to know where it is. Probably true. They take me by ambulance to a huge road in front of the ranch. An ambulance comes.

Then I'm airlifted to Billings, Montana. They call my mom. I'm airlifted to Billings, Montana, where there was a neurosurgeon in charge and just trying to gauge how I'm going to do. He calls my mom and dad and, uh, you know, they say, of course, talk to whatever you need to do. When he operates, he takes a three by three inch piece of skull out.

He puts it in the freezer to where it was going to be left for five months just to keep it safe as my, as my brain, right? Wow. As my brain swells down and as my brain tries to heal. And so they put me under a medical coma. I wake up five days later. Definitely brain injury. If, if for anyone who's experienced brain injury, they know, well, there's all sorts of stuff that can happen.

But one of the things is. You're, you really kind of start over at a young age. So just, I don't know if you're going to want to call it. Lack of focus, just, just, you're super, super young and on medicine. And so it was a time as a ramp up. I recovered for one year. I went home after two weeks and not in the hospital.

Wow. Um, I go home, started speech therapy, started physical therapy, had to walk on, uh, you know, the treadmills and take care of everything. And I was brain injured. So there's a little bit like. You're drunk. And so I'd say all sorts of inappropriate things, acute nurses and such, hopefully made him at least laugh.

And so recovered for a year and that, that was the physical part. And then the psychological part was much longer, but that's the basics. Uh, the boys were, they went to jail for a couple of years and uh, you know, got out and I know some of, some of them have had trouble, uh, who, you know, participate in the assault.

Those four boys, some of them continue to have trouble with the law. Uh, I'm hoping. A couple others are doing better. That's so good of you to say that. I know that must have taken a while for you to just want the best for them or maybe not. Maybe you're more heroic and virtuous than I am, but my goodness, man, that is, uh, that is intense.

Yeah. So many questions. Uh, I guess kind of fast forwarding a little bit more to what were the effects that followed you through that? You said there were a lot of psychological, I know the physical and sure mental and all that stuff. So just if you would outline it for us, how that affected you in the years that followed.

Yeah, well, you could think of it just as a, this is a way you should talk about it just as a tornado of problems because you had two things going on. You had, uh, the trauma, yes, right. How crazy that story was and how difficult and kind of the mystery of good and evil, which is very often accompanies trauma and that was a difficult thing.

But then on the other hand, I had the, the neuro. Psychological effects, or perhaps for the podcast, I should say, I had the physiological effects of the brain injury, which were very difficult. You're concretely irritability, sleep conditions, depression, kind of a OCD, kind of an obsessive mind about all sorts of things.

It felt like kind of my poor brain, if you will, is just like on fire. Whereas before it just kind of felt more healthy functioning and active, right? But now it's on fire. So any little thing, and for people who have experienced this, they know exactly what I'm talking about. So I had that. And then let's just throw in some disassociation depersonalization where you literally feel, it's kind of like you feel dizzy, but you're living in your daily life, but you, you feel like you're not real.

Or you feel like life's not real or you feel like every day is episodic. So I, I experienced about 10 years, my friend, just to, just to mention this in particular, I experienced 10, 10 years at least of, uh, cause it's been 18 years now experienced 18 years of deep, strong depersonalization. Of the gosh, I know I'm real, but it kind of doesn't even feel like that or the outside world.

And it kind of feels like you're like a, but 10, 000 miles above your head. It's very odd. Like an out of body experience. That's right. Wow. Okay. Yeah.

And that's just to mention the physiological. That's not the psychological, uh, well specifically that's not a whole lot of the psychological of trauma. Uh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Forgiveness. Hope. Meaning all those things 100 percent and I know we're gonna hone in on that because there's so many ways we could take this conversation, but Oh on the OCD bet.

Yeah, that is such a Understated problem that a lot of people deal with I know I've went through my bouts of dealing with it and no people Who, uh, who deal with it. It's so debilitating. So that alone is enough. But one of the things that strikes me is your, from your story is that there's just so much, like you said, a tornado or an avalanche is another way to say it.

It's just like, it's just over overwhelming. So it's just amazing that you're standing here today. Like there's so many people I think would be tempted to just give up. Mm-hmm. . And so it's, it's beautiful that you're here and you've pushed through all that and yeah. You've become like an inspiration for so many people too.

So I wanna shift to forgiveness. Yes. Everyone listening here, you know, has been hurt in some way, and they might see some value in forgiveness. They might wanna forgive, but they struggle. They struggle to forgive for any number of reasons. Has forgiveness been difficult for you? Uh, yes and no. I think yes, in the sense that, you know, I, I knew Joey when I went out there for, to be a counselor at the ranch.

I knew they were. Delinquent youth, they, they were in a bad place in life and likely they were in a bad place of life because of decisions that at least to some degree were based on unjust things that happened to them to both hand, right? All of this is contextualized by both hand. If you're looking for an extreme or just a simple answer in any of this, uh, perhaps, you know, well, I don't want to talk to you.

Because reality, one famous Jesuit said, reality is like a strong red wine. It's not for children. There's a lot to it. So, it's nuanced. It's not the black and white that is so often made out to be, especially in like our media. Um, or anywhere in the world really. It's like, it's not, it's colorful. It's like detailed.

It's nuanced. So yeah, I appreciate you saying that. Absolutely. And so the forgiveness of the boys, believe it or not, was much easier than other aspects of forgiveness because I knew, you know, I knew they're in a bad place. I didn't know they were going to do that of course, but they simply wanted to be free.

They were used to a drug problem. Um, I think two of them, it came out, we're, we're pining for drugs at the time and In, in the mystery of what can only be called evil. This is what happens that when, you know, there's something in between me and my addictive, uh, object or whatever that might be. It's like, it's not personal, bro.

I have to take you out cause I need this. The object of my addiction, uh, the object of my vice, whatever that might be. And so I was just taken out. And so I did pray, but, and I think there's perhaps a grace in this, but I, um, I did, I did forgive them, completely forgive them. And I do still. The issue of forgiveness that I had, actually, I had more of an issue when it comes to forgiveness with people who were deeply faith based, like I was going out there Catholic.

And yet after this assault, especially people associated with the ranch who knew this could mean bad stuff legally, it's like they kind of took off their faith hat and put on their I want to protect my money hat and you talk about getting fired up for being an anger and resentment, forgiveness. Really struggled with big time and, and that, that took years that took years because I, I didn't know what to do with that here.

I was suffering so much, honestly, because of the brain injury and then the trauma and you know, I was a mess and yet I did start full time work less than a year after full time campus minister, full time teacher, prep school out in Southern California and for a brain injury victim like that to start full time work less than a year after.

And it was difficult when I thought about how the people at the ranch associated with the ranch responded to my situation, protecting their money more than Being there for me supporting me even even kind of as a person that was difficult I understand again both and I understand you're gonna have to protect your place or your your your job Legally, but also to support a person who's gone through something very difficult.

I think is important They didn't so that took a while. I'm glad to say that has been reconciled to but that that took a while Yeah, I bet and it makes sense It sounds like the kids would be even easier to forgive because you kind of had that expectation of them being rough around the edges and struggling in a lot of ways, coming from really rough backgrounds, having that dependence on substances and stuff like that.

Whereas with the, you know, people who are leading you or in management, whatever, you had somewhat of an expectation of like safety and caring for you. So it makes sense why that would be the case. I had expectations of a perhaps appropriate response from that situation and In my opinion, the way I received it, I was like, what the hell is going on here?

Interestingly, the person I struggled with most after that assault, and I have no problem sharing this, is God himself. You know, when he almost died, it was an 80 percent mortality rate. In today's day and age, people don't often in the, in the United States of America, in these days, they, they don't often experience physical pain as a result of being on mission.

I did. And so I couldn't relate to Jesuits or missionaries to the new world with the, with the native Americans who did not understand why they were there and they experienced martyrdom. Some of them, uh, as well as the old Jesuits in different countries. in Europe and in Asia. I couldn't relate to those guys.

I know they died because of their faith, but I was in a different situation. I was helping out on a ranch a yes, because of my faith. I wanted to help the boys, but also because I was in the U. S. And that doesn't happen. So I had a little conversation with God. One time I said, I'm going to have to know all of these things are real, what I believe in beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Right now I'm struggling so bad that I'm wondering, how can you let this happen? How can you let this happen? I had a master's in theology, so I kind of knew the theological answers, at least to a degree, but it was kind of the personal existential things of this is just not making sense. And also the witness of some of these people, the Catholics.

And because of my understanding of how they had responded to the situation, I was, I was pissed and I was thinking, well, this doesn't feel real. If they believe in what they believe, how are they responding this way? And it was more than just a couple of people. And so I said to God very directly, what's going on?

I'm going to have to search. I was reading in a journal just the other day written that same year of recovery. I said to God, this is dangerous because you're putting them in the dock. This time I was, I said, I will not believe if there is a very, doubt that started a long journey of how to deal with this.

And, and God, I remember showing my high schoolers in class for theology that scene out of Forrest Gump where Lieutenant Dan is up, you know, up on high in the ship and Forrest Gump is worried about him cause there's a huge storm. But Lieutenant Dan had some things to say to God. He said, you can't hurt me.

Something to the effect of you can't hurt me. What I do remember is you son of a. And I think that prayer looking back was just fine. I think that's a good prayer. In fact, and I shared with my high school students sometimes in life, that's the prayer you should pray if you really want to know God and his will.

It's certain times that's a prayer because it's so real. It's so like, this is what I'm going through and not meant to be like, you know, if you're a person of faith, like disrespectful to God, it's more like, Hey, I'm struggling here. Like this is what I'm actually going through. I could put on a mask and pretend I'm not.

That's right. It's a lot of people do. I can be like super pious and everything on the exterior looks good. But interiorly, I'm just like so broken and struggling. That's exactly right. And I had to hold two principles. I had to hold the principle of fake it until you make it. To a degree, that's like the most practical advice we can hear in life.

And that is not being fake. That is putting one foot in front of the other to live a relatively productive life in the midst of going through difficulty. And then the other thing is holding this tension of God and daily life. By no means a simple thing, especially with the psychological struggles I was having, cause it took about five years after that assault just to simmer down that brain to, to, I would call still a, a high octane level, but it didn't feel as much like it was on fire.

And everyone who has had a brain injury can relate to this. Or if you've been the family member of a brain injured person. Yeah, no, that makes so much sense. Yeah. I think of like Navy SEALs who have TBI or like go through the traumatic brain injury, like that stuff. It's like, it's real. It's man, it's a whole world that I don't understand fully, but through your experience, it's um, super instructive and wow, that's a, it's a heavy cross.

And one thought on that is there were many years, right? Cause this is a many year journey recovery. It will be a, just a journey of one of a difficult thing I experienced in my life for the rest of my life. But there were many years of acute years of difficulty. Many times I kind of wish that I could have at least been part of a kind of banner.

Brothers, uh, seals certainly can have made it as a seal. Me neither, uh, but Air Force. I could have done Air Force , uh, or a different branch because at least then I would've had some kind of fellowship with people who had gone through it, or professionals who were there for like this huge group. I just felt very alone.

Because, you know, I did solicit help for the brain in psychology and they were helpful, but I was still walking that path alone. Wow. That was hard. Yeah. That's so isolating and so hopeless at times, honestly. Yes. So tempted to despair. I'm sure I've been there. Oh yeah. About 5 PM every day after my first year of teaching, I'd think, okay, this is a suboptimal situation recovering from this injury.

So experiencing effects in this job is a lot to deal with. So, brother in law. Where's the scotch? Yeah. I hear you. And I'm living with them. Yeah. Yeah. It um, it makes sense that we cope with pain in the ways that we do, even if they're not healthy. Like it's not something we want to continue doing, but I totally like, I get why people do that.

I get why I've done that struggle with vices in the past where it's like, yep, they, they serve a purpose. They're not good for us, but they serve a purpose and hopefully we can break free and find a healthier alternative. But uh, but yeah, I totally get why. Why we go down that path. That's right. And I like how you said that, that it makes sense.

And I would say actually it's natural as a Thomas Aquinas man, uh, started a nonprofit called the Aquinas Forum. I'm, I'm obsessed with Thomas Aquinas because more than anyone, a Dominican friar from the 1200s. Help my how my life get into that later if you want, but yeah, he's all about faith and reason and he's gonna say that if someone is deeply struggling, they are consciously aware that they want to feel healthier, right?

But then the question becomes what good am I seeking for that health? And he makes a distinction between real and apparent goods. So in that situation, uh, a scotch, uh, hanging out with my brother in law, a scotch, it's effects on the brain. It tastes good. It calms you down. Uh, good times of the brother in law.

That seems like a great good. And perhaps one day it is. That's awesome. The meaning of, of alcohol Aquinas says is festivity. So that's good. That's a purpose. That's good. Fine. But as it relates to a brain injury, it's not a true good. It's not a real good at all. It's going to be an apparent good. Wow. And that's kind of the drama of the moral life is, am I choosing real goods or apparent goods?

And it took me a while to get back on the train of real goods. Rather than just kind of quick fixes are going to make me feel better. But for people who are going through addiction or battling vices, it's a healthy psychological principle. I believe to realize there's a reason you're doing this loneliness, brain injury, hurt.

depression, uh, stress from job, whatever the vice is, it's, it's almost always going to be an apparent good to help you. And so the realization is you're, you're not weird for wanting health and trying to find something or, or experiencing something that does help you makes you think it's helping. But the reality of it is we want to be moving more towards those real goods.

Yeah, and things that are going to help in the long run, not just in the short term, not be like a quick fix. And yeah, I know for me as a teenager, it was pornography. That was my drug of choice. And, uh, it did, it helped me in the moment. It almost sounds scandalous to say that, but it's true. It served a purpose, but it was making me miserable.

And so I knew I needed to get that out of my life and I did thankfully, but yeah, I recognize now looking back, it's like, yeah, it did. It served a purpose and I wish I didn't fall into that, but. But yeah, I was in a very rough spot. There's a reason why you did it. Loneliness, what have you, you, and then you experience this and it draws you in to another world.

It would be actually a false ecstasy. And then when this takes over you, there's a, like, this is what I experienced. You think, what kind of person am I with all these vices must be some kind of a monster. Yeah. Because. So to speak of us takes over you. It literally does, but it feels like almost like another power.

And like you said, say, well, this was just the wrong decision. It, an Irish priest wants to find sin to me as it seemed like a good idea at the time. You know, everyone can relate to that. Yeah, no, a hundred percent. And I love where you're pointing people. It's like there's a, maybe, maybe one way to say it is like there's a little bit of a monster inside of us.

that like acts out at times, but we're both the good and the bad in the sense that, you know, if we choose to do bad, like that doesn't fully define us. Like there's a reason that we're doing that. We should stop doing that and do the good. Um, but there's a reason we go in that direction. And if you shame yourself thinking like that, I just don't just do bad.

I am bad. Then the chance of you like coming back from that is like. Greatly diminished. But if you can see yourself as like, I'm both the vices and the virtues that I hold, I'm both. And I want to reduce the vices and increase the virtues. But if I want to pretend I'm just the virtues or say like I'm limited to just these vices, then I'm going to be debilitated and probably give up and just live a horrible life.

Yep. That's right. Let's go back to forgiveness. Let's do it. Someone say it's easier not to forget. It's too much hard work. It's too difficult. So the question really is to someone, especially in this position right now, like they're, they've been hurt. They kind of feel like they should forgive or they've heard they should forgive, but they're not really compelled to do that because it's so painful.

Why forgive? What are some of the benefits that you've experienced or you've thought of, or you've learned from Aquinas about forgiveness? Well, first of all, you know, there's a sense in which there's a, there's a great dignity that should be given to someone who's gone through something very, very difficult.

You know, Pope John Paul II, one of my heroes, he writes this about suffering, that suffering is uniquely your own. Right. Hopefully that does not turn us into narcissists who kind of use that as a, is like a victim mentality and have a, like a flag over your head of look at me. No one understands me.

Although that is a feeling. Yeah. But I would say to that person, okay, fair enough. That's what you feel like is going to be a lot of work and sounds like you're an intense chapter in your journey. But, but let me ask you this question. Is it worth it? Is it worth the work? If you have a thousand pound stone on your back that we call resentment and hurt and you have a bridge that you can walk over.

That is a bridge such that that thousand pound rock will take off you does that sound appealing to you? Yeah, compared to just walking around in this valley with a thousand pound brick because I think the effect of unforgiveness and and hurt resentment bitterness makes it worth it to pursue a kind of alleviation of that rock.

So it was very practical. You know, I, I like to be a reality guy more than anything in the world. Please God. Very practically speaking, if you're struggling with unforgiveness about something big, you have a huge rock in your shoulder. And it helps when someone comes up to you who has a 500 pound rock or a thousand, perhaps a 10, 000 pound rock.

And I've met a couple of those people. And at one point they had that rock in their shoulders, but they don't anymore. And here I was at the thousand pound rock. It said, can we have a chat? Wow. So very practically I would say, I love that. And I want to continue on that road for a second. Yep. Yeah, just playing out like that resentment, like we don't really often think about like, well, what happens if you don't forgive?

How is that holding you back in life? Because that might feel like the default position. And so aside from resentment, and feel free to go deeper into that, what else do you think happens if we don't forgive? How does that damage us? Because we kind of think of it as not forgiving damages the person who hurt me.

But I've heard it said that not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Yeah, I think that's right. And again, the person I needed to forgive was God. That sounds so presumptuous. It's crazy. But you know what? That was real for me. Yeah. I'm a bit of a black and white guy at times of, okay, either this faith or my faith is true all of it, uh, or perhaps none of it.

Either God is control of everything. Because he's God so presumably he would be or or it's not it's the opposite So, you know if he isn't there if he isn't control of if he is not there He is not in control of everything. And so it's a total shit show It's total chaos and that's a trauma feels like that's what unforgiveness Can feel like because of the hurt that you're that your experience has caused And so with forgiveness and unforgiveness, again, that, that's a question that is, that follows a terrible experience, a bad experience.

What I want to focus on, uh, in my life and, and back then is the experience itself. It's kind of like, how do I process this experience? And then that dictates is forgiveness reasonable, is it not? If, if I would propose if God is not real, if he's not in control of all of this, including moral laws. A bad experience may be unfortunate for you, you feel pain, but it's not violating some ultimate moral law and everything is absolute chaos and contradiction.

That's a suboptimal place to be in life, feeling that. It's a heavy place to be, but, um, but if on the other hand that there, there's been an experience of reality in your life that is causing such a pain and this gets your question now. It's, it's a, it's a thousand pound rock you're carrying. It's a disease.

It's, it's, it feels like another person. You're another person right now. And so who the hell cares about forgiveness right now? You're conscientious and I was conscientious of this is not good. This is not a good feeling to have. This is not a good place to be. It feels like life itself is a prison. And so forgiveness is a possibility to help out with that situation.

And it did me. It did me, I'll, I'll tell you why, because, because forgiveness is a way out of that to some degree. But, but I want, I want to stop there because that answers your question. Yeah. I would not say it's unforgiveness. That is the, the main issue. The main issue is going to be the experience you had, 100 percent and the pain that led to and forgiveness is, is a healthy way out.

I hear you. Not the only bit. Hey. Yeah. No, I hear you. And I think some people hear about forgiveness and they actually think that they need to jump to that prematurely. Yup. It's actually something that happens like later in the healing process, if we want to call it that. That's not something that happens right away.

And I want to get into like the steps of healing, which I know they're not totally linear, but But I think there are some good principles that we can crack into, but it's like the word you just said a few minutes ago, it's nuanced. It's not other levels. Yeah, totally. But I think it's actually harmful to try to forgive too soon.

And, uh, one of the steps that are the principles that I've heard about forgiveness is truly understanding like the cost, like what it's, the ways in which you were damaged, uh, not to remain a victim forever. I love that you brought up the victim mentality thing, because I think we all could be tempted to that, but to, uh, to truly move beyond it, to close that chapter in your life and to move on, not that it will never come up again, but that you're, you know, in a better, stronger spot, you're able to move forward.

So if someone came up to you now and said. John, there's someone who really harmed me. I want to forgive them. I just have no clue how to go about that. What would you say? What advice would you give them? It's interesting, you know, it's been 18 years I get a, get a little emotional about that question because it's a powerful one.

The first thing I'd say to that one is if a person came up to me and asked me that first step is Let's grab a cup of coffee. I want to hear about your story. I call it swapping stories. Because it's a light way in. If someone's gone through something very difficult, I don't like to get into solution mode, solutionize them.

I like to say, dude, let's get together. Let's swap some stories. Um, within the context of that story, I think it would unfold itself, the pain, the difficulty, the hurt, and then that how forgiveness might be one of their main hangups to prevent freedom because unforgiveness, it's a grasping. It's kind of a false grasping in my experience.

Kind of a false control. You think, well, I've been hurt and I'm not going to be hurt again by whatever you, the other person thinks and intends or what have you. It can be even a kind of paranoia. So within that context, I try to find out where, where they're at and then perhaps skipping ahead, perhaps not, but I would try to share from my own experience and then ultimately pointing to reality that.

As difficult as the things are that we can experience, life is greater than that. Life is much greater than that. And I think forgiveness is typically associated with zooming in on something that seems to be all encompassing. And yet, if we can take a step back, and this is the importance of story and sharing your story, feeling like someone else freaking cares.

You can see kind of a bigger Vista, if you will, a bigger landscape and that that's hope. So Unforgiveness, I think is very much tied to hope like screw this screw that it's resentment mode. It's bitterness mode Whereas if you see a greater landscape of okay, this is a difficult thing I have to deal with and and the resentment unforgiveness I have But now at least I can see a greater reality that, that, that life may offer me an experience of joy and happiness that I could not experience if I keep zoned in on this terrible thing.

Okay, that makes so much sense. And I love that idea too, that you allude to, of when people hurt you, you rightly feel that they owe you some sort of a debt. I think that's right. Yeah, and so Unforgiveness, I guess, would look like demanding that debt in some way and I want to be careful here. In some situations, it's very important that person does pay the debt.

It's important that those, in my opinion, that those kids went to prison. Yes. Like they needed to. But... Um, that's not up to you to impose that punishment. It's up to a third party law enforcement to impose that so that you're free then to release them of any further debt that they might owe you. And so that's the act of forgiveness, but it's not easy and it's not linear and it's messy.

And I, yeah, I've been there. There can be things that you really hold on tightly. You want to forgive, but it's like, I just can't let this go at this point in my life. And if I, if you're there listening right now, I would say that's okay. Yep. Like, don't, don't force it. Like, you can keep working towards that, but it's not something that maybe you're ready to do right now.

Maybe there's some initial, like John's advising you on, like, maybe there's some initial steps that you need to be taking, like going deeper into your story. Having someone who's there just listening to you, walking with you, which will then free you to get rid of that resentment, to forgive and free that person of that debt that they owe you.

Anything to add? I, I think that's right. I think there's a lot, there's a lot there. I think everything you said is true. I also think that the biggest kind of principle for me going through all this was one thing. What is really real? What the F is real here? Because if I know it's real, then I can understand.

My terrible experience, I can understand people's responses. I can understand even my own, uh, interior world kind of according to that. If things are real, if, if you will, if things are stable and then if I can kind of seek to live a life in communion with ultimately what's real rather than get caught up in what I call kind of the, um, the, the spider web.

Above my brain of trying to connect all the pieces. And I did that for five years, if you will. I got a master's degree in that. And, uh, I said that master's degree sucks because it does not work. You're just chasing everything up in the spider web compared to asking that more fundamental, admittedly abstract question.

What is really real real? Because I think there's an answer. And when you, when someone knows what's really real and they live according to that. They, they know or they think that there is a pattern of reality, there are signposts. Within which we can contextual our contextualize our lives and everything we do and there's at least a sense of Okay, things are okay at root, but one of the worst things about trauma I think the worst is that it changes your understanding of everything whereas you feel like the cosmos itself It's spinning whereas if you ask that question, what is really real you take A slow journey to your point of understanding that then everything becomes contextualized unforgiveness.

Um, resentment, spite, bitterness, even depression. You can say, okay, this is an issue. This is very difficult in my life, but it's not what is most really real. And so I at least have a little bit of time and there's a sense of like, okay, I'm okay for now. I have a journey, there's lots ahead, but I'm okay. You know, I'm at least two degrees safe because I know that reality is safe.

Well, that's, that was a worse for me. It felt like reality itself wasn't safe. Yeah. Can I imagine like watching your back constantly? That's right. Even to this day, uh, every week, once or twice a week, I will, for some reason, it's a gas stations when I'm. Filling up my car or at the, at the counter buying a, a soda, I will feel like, like if someone's behind me just automatically not, not conscientiously or uncon it's, it's unconscious, but I will feel like someone's going to come over me and hit me on the head and kind of, kind of the, the, the feeling of shutters, you know, in the body.

And that, I mean, that's been going on Joey for 18 years and. It's not about a control experience. I still in control to this point. I think, okay, well, there it is again. Just experienced like 0. 5 seconds of terror. My goodness, but it was 0. 5 seconds, you know, and it's not real. Yeah, right.

Yeah. I think lots of people can relate to that kind of an experience. Yeah, man, that's intense. And thank you for sharing so vulnerably throughout this whole interview. Um, you are very real and what are some maybe myths or misunderstandings about forgiveness that you've observed that are like really, really unhelpful that you want to warn people against?

Yeah. I would say the first one and the most annoying is perhaps the cheesy cheesy. Or cliche, Christian one, including all forms of Christian. I happen to be Catholic. And so, you know, I'm Christian. And so, so a response of like, if someone says, do you forgive them? Say, absolutely. With a certain kind of tone of voice and kind of whisper.

And you say, really, man, and I want to punch these people. Um, But really, I don't because you know what they're trying to do? They're trying to do the best they can on their own journey. Yeah. It's more about them than about you at that point. It is. And, um, you know, okay, that's how they're dealing with. But the issue is, again, you just mentioned that word real and it's not real, you know, the act of the will.

Of forgiving and I like to get into that kind of, we need to define forgiveness. Please. That office is not defined and it's terrible. Great. Because if you're trying to do something that you don't know what the hell it is, that's not good. Cause you won't do it. Cause you don't know what it is. How would you?

Yeah. It's like. Well, I need to get healthier, but I have no idea what healthy is. And so I'm obsessing all day long about being healthy, but I don't know what it is. So I have to lean on my man, Thomas Aquinas, and I'm going to paraphrase him. If there are any expert Thomas out there, please forgive me, uh, for paraphrasing this.

But I read at one point is lightning bolt of clarity for me that he said, forgiveness has to do with. Seeing the other person as more than the harm that they've inflicted and seeking to love the wholeness of who that person truly is, rather than that experience of them inflicting harm. So good. Right.

And that comes from, uh, 800 years ago because the real is really real. It doesn't change folks, people in ancient Greece. Now it's the same humanity. Human nature is constant, doesn't change. And so forgiveness has always been possible since the dawn of human history. And so step one is understanding, okay, this is what that is.

Now the next thing becomes, am I going to buy an act of the will alone is the important principle here. Am I going to lean into that? And it indeed is a lien. I am a big fan of forgiveness as a journey. It truly is. It is not a journey of emotions. In fact, essentially, emotions has nothing to do with it.

It's an act of the will. A good principle in that, I was just thinking, if you're waiting for your emotions, if you're waiting to feel like you want to forgive the person, in a sense, like, you're going to be waiting forever. That's right. You'll be waiting forever. Yeah, that, that doesn't work. And we are in a hyper emotional culture, hyper emotional.

Now I'm a passionate guy. I've got Irish, uh, got Irish blood. John Slattery O'Brien, fairly Irish name. And so boy, I got that. That is difficult blood to have when you're going through these experiences. But I would say silver lining of my entire experience has been I have learned the relationship between emotion and will, emotion and intellect and will or, or decision, right?

And the re, the relation of all that to happiness. And, and I've learned that you can be living an objectively happy day and kind of good day. An order day and still feel like a wreck and that, you know what, that's actually pretty cool because at least there's peace because peace is a coin that says is the tranquility of order.

Peace is not some emotion, essentially, it's a tranquility of order and we feel that, right? And so, as it relates to forgiveness, if we make this decision to forgive and to grow in that forgiveness, we are choosing to see that person as more than just their, their harm, their evil. And because that's true, we can have the experience of a little bit more order in our souls, in our minds and wills, according to what's really real, right?

Rather than, okay, I'm going to focus in on the harm, the inflicted, and it's going to be the only thing I see. And it's going to make me just, just a bitter, unpleasant person. Well, a, that's. That sucks. B, it's actually not accordance with reality as much as seeing the person for who they are as a whole. And so, that's where it begins.

If people don't know the definition... Like abstractly, we still know what it is kind of enough, uh, but it does help to get into what it is per se. So we begin that journey with the will. And then all of a sudden, you know, we do is I think, you know, is what I experienced. We become a little bit more integrated because we're seeing the whole, you know, think of just the most bad military person you've ever met or firefighter or doctor or cop.

They have seen everything. And you know what? You go up and talk to them about it like, man, what have you experienced that you've seen? And it's just been a nightmare. And they're like the chillest people on earth. They see reality more than more than they would if they're just zoned in on that one particular experience.

I want to be very clear. Again, there's a both hand, both hand. Yeah. It's not some simple answer that clears everything up. The good news is, is that. The real is really real and we can seek to live in accordance with that with reality and then we Become in time. It's journey of integration a better scenario a better kind of place to be on the journey I would say then sitting in your home obsessing about how much you hate this person.

Yeah. There's so much freedom there and kind of leaving that behind is, you know, when I share these things become a, because I'm a pretty philosophical guy. I am concerned that it's a little bit over the top abstract. What's, what's your sense of that right now? No, no, I think it's helpful and I think maybe being a little bit more general is helpful because then people can fill in the blanks, you know.

I think that's right. Uh, I like general. I think that's a good word because general again relates to that sense of reality, like reality is bigger than we make it. And the important thing is to gather principles for this and to, and. We're not alone and there are principles and reality is big and then there's hope.

Yeah. So you don't need to be a philosophy just nerd like I am to, to, to want to go on these things. They think the important thing is in some sense, even better is to just have a kind of on the ground understanding of these principles. So good, man, this has been so enlightening. I've learned a lot from you in this interview and I appreciate your time And just if people want to go deeper and learn more about Aquinas about what you offer.

Tell us about your nonprofit What do you guys actually offer and how does it benefit people? That's right So I have a nonprofit called the Aquinas forum started three and a half years ago, and it's very simple It's an independent nonprofit that helps people grow in faith and, uh, develop a Catholic worldview.

Uh, it's all about faith and reason, the relationship between faith and reason, which is constitute a lot of our chat here, because it's easy to live based on only faith, we call that fideism. Not paying enough attention to the here and the now the order of nature of reality or to live only off of reason which is going to be rationalism and Because there's a relatively because there's a clear limit to our reason that is not going to give nearly as much kind of hope and Greater view of the landscape of reality or even what it could be if you don't have Faith and so both of these alone, I would say Are not ideal.

Whereas if you integrate these things, that boy, that's a, that's a beautiful life. Again, my hero, Pope John Paul, the second said, faith and reason are like two wings upon which the human soul ascends to the mystery of God. You know, that's good. Yeah. And it's real. And so I started this nonprofit to help people grow on that.

I worked at a parish for a number of years. I felt like I learned some of the skills to do this. So, so to speak, I had a product to offer, started this nonprofit. We do different things locally conferences, books, studies, classes, but then I've also opened up this wing through my website. That we offer people free resources for small groups.

Nice. The how to guide for leaders or hosts, as well as the studies themselves written by some great authors. And it's, it's actually helping people to what, to grow on what's really real scripture, little bit of philosophy. Uh, we have Bible studies up now and it's good stuff and the hope is, well, the hope is hope in a sense, wherever you are on the journey, that the real is really real and that there is hope ahead.

There are good things ahead, and they're actually good things right now for your life. Love it. Yeah. And so whether someone's maybe been on some sort of spiritual journey for a while, they can join, or if someone's in the beginning of it and just like questioning things, they're welcome as well. Is that right?

That's right. So locally we have things where people can come and they can come from any faith background or none. Uh, because Thomas Aquinas, it's the Aquinas Forum, he is all about. He was all about one question and that's this what is God and so Through reason and faith he explored that and so we have lots of people that come that are just kind of seekers Yeah, you know, what is this?

Is there anything to this? And that's good. And in time, we're starting to open up other Aquinas forums throughout the country. We have two that are about to open and that's why I named it forum. It's a forum where people of any faith or the Catholic faith or no faith can come and explore the deeper questions of life.

And then also the small group, the small group initiative we have through the website that helps people do that in what I call their own corners of the world. So living room. Thank you. A tavern, whatever. Love it. Yeah. I love that. You're facilitating that and guiding it. That sounds amazing. Uh, how can people find you online?

Uh, Aquinasforum. org. Just go and check us out. You can find the email there, uh, the info email that will come to us or, uh, your, your, I can give my email now, my Aquinas Forum. Yeah. Are you open to people contacting you? Absolutely. No. I love to chat with people on the journey because, uh, candidly, that's what I was looking for for years.

Again, kind of a unique experience, faith experience I had on the ranch, trauma, but then also brain injury that that's, that's quite the intersection of things to go together. And I just wanted someone to chat with and swap stories. Eventually found one or two is great. So I'm, I love to do that now with, with other people.

And you know what I like to say, and I've found this is a great principle of freedom for other people as it has for me is this, uh, there's no red bow if, if we go through something terrible in this life. There, there, it's okay that there's not necessarily going to be a big red bow you put on top of it of like, this is why it happened and this is what it means in a holistic sense.

Trauma, it's intuitively bigger than that. That's why we have to ask the question, is there an afterlife? Because as Plato said, injustice will not be corrected in this world. I mean, Hitler killed how many millions of people, right? That's, that per se cannot be corrected in this world. But in the afterlife, through justice, and through how God deals with all of this, and including the victims of what they've gone through, we have great hope, for different reasons, that this can be reconciled.

And so, just want to help people with that. Try to offer some initiatives that can slowly, uh, including me meeting up with people. We won't talk about a red bow But we will talk about some principles. I think that can lead to greater freedom Happiness really? Yeah. No, that's so good. We all want to be happy and No, I love what you said and I love that you're so open and so generous with your time.

I appreciate you offering that. Yeah, I'm happy to. This has been a great treat. Yeah, and everyone listening right now, if you're just wrestling with those big questions or maybe you've never thought about those, um, I would say you are worth seeking answers to those questions. Like you deserve that. You deserve asking those big questions and finding answers and this is one resource that you can use.

to do that. So how can people contact you if they, yeah, so again, it's Aquinas forum. org is going to be my website. And then my personal email through the forum is John J J O H N at Aquinas forum. org. A Q U I N a S isn't Sam forum. org. Love to hear from you. Beautiful. And we'll throw that in the show notes.

So you guys can just copy and paste that as well. Want to give you the final word here. What final advice? Encouragement challenges would you offer to everyone listening, especially those listening right now who feel very stuck because of the trauma they've endured in their lives. Like what would you leave them with?

Keep moving forward. Keep moving forward. For 10 years of my life, I felt like such a wreck and I would consider man. You know, in a sense, what, what would be the greatest encouragement I could hear right now because there are so many questions and thoughts and feelings floating around that, you know what I wanted?

I wanted someone to say, John, uh, the most valiant thing you can do right now is keep keep moving forward. Put one foot in front of the other on this road to greater health. Because there are answers and I felt like that was the greatest thing I could do and wherever you are, whatever you're going through, if you are putting one foot in front of the other and you're moving forward, even if that's so slow.

You want to take bigger steps, but you can only take a small step. That's what you have control of, and that's where you can find heroism.

If you want more content, more guidance on the topic of forgiveness, I highly recommend episode 58 of the show. I spoke with an expert who did his PhD dissertation actually on forgiveness, lots of great advice in that episode. Again, that's episode 58, or you can just click on the link in the show notes.

Quick reminder that if you'd like to offer your advice on how to make the podcast even better, just go to restoredministry. com slash survey, answer the questions there and submit the form. Again, restoredministry. com slash survey, or just click on the link in the show notes. And if you do that by November 15th, you'll be entered to win a hundred dollar Amazon gift card.

That wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them. Honestly, once it's over, just take 30 seconds to share this episode. And in closing, always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.

And keep in mind the words of C. S. Lewis who said, You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

Divorce Caused Emotional Barriers

2 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous woman at 52 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 15. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

HER STORY

My parents were very young when they got married. As a matter of fact, the reason they married, from what I was told, was because my mother got pregnant with me. It was brought to my attention that my father really liked someone else at the time, but decided not to pursue the relationship due to my mother being pregnant. My parents then married and stayed married for 16 years. During those 16 years, there were many trials and tribulations. From what I was told by a family member, they appeared to have started out with a pretty good marriage but after 3 years things started to change. They basically started many arguments and fights, and it grew more and more over the years until finally one day my father couldn't take it anymore, and finally decided to leave my mother.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE Her FEEL

At the time, I was somewhat relieved because I got tired of them arguing.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HER

Well, I think it has caused some emotional barriers. I then got pregnant at the age of 19 and had my first child at age 20, and married, but due to being so young and a college dropout after I got pregnant we decided to get married shortly after my first child was born. In that union came two more children, and the stress of being a new mother, and young wife started to cave in on me. It was when I discovered I was pregnant with my third child and the stress of being a mother that this was not for me. I began to get very depressed and after the third child was born I went into severe postpartum depression and had to be hospitalized for this. I felt so guilty for going into this state. I felt as if I failed at being a mother. I began to feel that I should have had better control of my emotions, and that if other women who had far more kids that they were raising could handle them why couldn't I? But I suddenly felt a sense that this was not for me, and later my ex-husband at the time decided to separate from me. However, the two oldest daughters he took from me, but I ended up raising the baby, but still got to see my other children.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

I would say it is wise to seek counseling.

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Knew I Was Different

5 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous man at 64 years old. His parents divorced when he was 5. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

his STORY

My father was in the military and was medically retired from service for mental health issues. My mother and father’s marriage produced three children. My father’s mental health collapsed to the point where his anger and inappropriate outbursts scared not only his created family but his own brother and sister. I will jump to the final event that spurred the divorce of my parents. My father was caught by my mother suffocating my youngest sibling who was a baby at the time. My sibling survived without lasting physical results.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE him FEEL

I was five years old, but I feared my father. Sadly, I cannot recall a single good memory of my Father. I never remember an encouraging word. I don’t remember a hug. I never experienced love from my father. I knew something significant had happened in our relationship with our father and mother. I knew intuitively that my mother no longer loved my father. I honestly don’t remember much about how my father reacted. I do remember him telling my oldest sibling and me he wouldn’t be living with us anymore. I don’t remember being surprised or emotional about it.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED him

As a young boy, I knew I was different. Our family had moved five times before I was six years old. I had been in three different schools before second grade. Our family minus our father relied on social programs like food stamps. I was totally embarrassed going grocery shopping with my mother. After living in modest homes or duplexes with my father, we now lived in a ten-foot wide by 55-foot-long trailer. My mother drove a late model car because the nice four-door Chevy sedan she drove had an electrical fire and burned up on the side of a highway. My mother returned to work while my siblings and I were still in elementary school. We became “latchkey” kids. We were literally unsupervised and on our own when my mother was at work apart from while we attended school. In the Summer months, our babysitter was the public pool. Naturally, we fell into sin. We stole. We shoplifted. We smoked cigarettes. I struggled in first grade and was pulled out of class for one-on-one speech therapy. In sixth grade, I was enrolled in a summer school math class, which I decided on my own was a waste of my summer experience, and just quit going. I walked out of the class with the teacher yelling at me to return. Which I did not. I hated school. I often daydreamed in class and didn’t pay attention. I had the attitude of how this related to my situation. I had anger issues. If I had a physical confrontation, it was always with boys. They always backed down from my aggression. I don’t think they knew how to react to someone so mean and out of control of their emotions. My teachers didn’t either.

By ninth grade, I had a girlfriend and was having sex with her. She was the first of other girls and women I would have sexual relationships with until my marriage. In high school, I occasionally smoked pot and drank beer. Though I never felt smoking pot was a problem, I do remember a car full of other teenagers so high that we went through a railroad crossing and we were nearly hit by an oncoming train. Drinking alcohol had its problems. I was pulled over by a State Trooper while I was drunk but luckily, he did not arrest me. I became addicted to chewing tobacco and chewed for nearly a decade. I did graduate from high school, junior college, and a university. I had commitment issues with my fiancée’s. I was engaged to three different women. I did have two different careers that I retired from and receive a pension for. But as I reflect upon my past, I had issues with authority and commitment that probably limited any promotions.

In the past two years I have had three heart procedures, diagnosed with prostate cancer, and general anxiety that led to my retirement. I have been married to my wife that I adore and love for nearly four decades. We have two wonderful children and six SUPER grandchildren. In the past two years, my wife’s love and example led me to be a practicing Christian and I re-dedicated my life to Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. Last year I was baptized in the Church with my entire family in attendance. I have repented of my many sins, and I am genuinely not happy with the things I did in my past. I am actively trying to re-wire my brain and re-set my attitudes and thoughts with the help of the Holy Spirit that dwells within me. I am praying to God to reveal his purpose for me. As Rick Warren often says, “Never let a hurt go to waste”. I have a lot of hurts.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Seek support through the Church’s Pastor or Youth Pastor, school counselor, trusted teacher, or trusted coach. Stay away from harmful things like drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. In the end, they do much more harm than they do good. Choose your friends wisely. Stay away from children who advocate violence, stealing, skipping school, and pre-marital sex. Date and marry girls and women that practice their faith. Take your academics seriously. Always give your best in your classes. Be respectful to everyone even if they don’t respect you back. Love and support your parents and other siblings. Be honest and have self-control. Find a wholesome activity you enjoy and use it to help with any anxiety. When you get older research the impact divorces have on children and young adults. Always know that God loves you. He created you so how could he not love you? Forgive. I visited my father’s grave years after his death and began the process of forgiving him. I have contacted two of my aunts (my father’s sisters) and started a relationship with them.

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#106: Healing Sexual Brokenness: A Resource for Men Struggling | Steven Motyl

When you’re struggling with unwanted sexual behavior, asking for help is terrifying. The struggle feels so shameful and admitting your weakness feels humiliating. As a result, most men stay stuck for years and years. 

Thankfully, there’s a way out. Asking for help from the right people is the key to overcoming shame, humiliation, and unwanted behavior. Today, a coach specializing in helping men break free from unwanted sexual behavior joins the show to discuss: 

• Is freedom even possible? 

• Why do men deserve that freedom?

• A valuable for you or men you know struggling

• Stories of transformation in the lives of the men he’s coached

• Advice and encouragement for any man struggling right now

Apply for Freedom Coaching

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TRANSCRIPT

Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!

[00:00:00] When you're struggling with unwanted sexual behavior, asking for help is terrifying. The struggle feels so shameful, and admitting your weakness feels so humiliating. And as a result, most men stay stuck for years and years. But thankfully, there's a way out. Asking for help from the right people is the key to overcoming shame, humiliation, and the unwanted behavior itself.

Today, a coach specializing in helping men break free from unwanted sexual behavior joins the show to discuss, is freedom even possible? Why do men deserve that freedom? We also talk about a valuable resource for you or the men you know who are struggling. He also shares some stories of transformation in the lives of the men that he's coached.

And then finally, he offers some advice and encouragement to any man struggling right now. So keep listening.[00:01:00]

Welcome to the Resort Podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents'. Divorce, separation, or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again and break the cycle. I'm your host, Joey Panarelli. This is episode 106. This episode is also part seven of our series called Healing Sexual Brokenness.

On this show, you know that we feature stories and expert interviews about how to heal from the trauma of your parents divorce and broken family, or how to navigate the pain and the problems that stem from it. One of the biggest problems that often stems from your family's breakdown is unwanted sexual behavior like pornography, masturbation, hookup culture, paying for sex, infidelity, and so much more.

In fact, one expert found that almost 90 percent of those who struggle with sexual addiction come from a broken family. In this series, you'll get tactics and resources to overcome unwanted sexual behavior. So you can find freedom and a little trigger warning. This is obviously a mature topic. So we recommend putting in earphones or at least not listening around children.

And by the [00:02:00] way, if you want to view the other episodes in this series, just go to restored ministry, restored ministry, ministry, singular. com slash sexual brokenness, or just click on the link in the show notes again, brokenness, or just click on the link in the show notes. My guest today is Steve Motel. As a certified professional life coach and with fatherly encouragement, authentic compassion, and honest prayer, Steve helps his clients get beyond mere coping to real freedom.

He firmly believes that freedom coaching is the answer many have been looking for because he's seen it transform his clients and their marriages. His genuine love of personal freedom and sincere heart for others, combined with his tremendous personal experience of over 12 years mentoring single and married young adults, six plus years preparing thousands of couples for marriage, uh, 15 years as a youth minister, as well as his rich personal experience losing his dad at a young age, uh, 30 plus years of marriage and almost 30 years of parenting makes him a seasoned [00:03:00] coach to guide you through this incredible program to freedom that you long for.

Steve currently lives in the countryside of Southeast Pennsylvania with his wife, children, dog, barn cats, and chickens. And he wants to know if you're ready to claim your freedom. In this episode, we talk about God and faith. And if you don't believe in God, you're totally welcome here. Anyone listening to the show for a while knows that this is not a strictly religious podcast.

So wherever you're at, I'm so glad you're here. And if you don't believe in God, my challenge for you is this. Just listen with an open mind. Even if you were to skip the God parts, you'd still benefit from this episode. But let's jump in. Here's my conversation with Steve.

Steve, so good to have you on the show. Thanks for being here, Joey. Thanks so much, man. It's great to be with you. There are so many men listening right now who are struggling with sexual compulsion or addiction, just unwanted sexual behavior, basically like pornography use. And they want freedom. They really long for that.

But their compulsion, it feels so strong. It feels like it [00:04:00] controls them, like they'll never be able to overcome it. And they might even be tempted to think that Freedom isn't possible. And of course, there's women listening right now too, but I know it will gear the conversation a little bit more towards men, though this all applies to them as well.

So I'm just curious, like, is healing and freedom possible? Yes. Next, next question. No, um, yeah, absolutely. And it's a great question. Um, because you're absolutely right. I think a lot of times we get sort of stuck. In a, in a negative thought pattern or negative behavior pattern. And, and we sometimes wonder if I'm just going to be this way forever.

And if we start to think, am I just going to be this way forever, that could lead to some of that, that shame that makes me feel like, man, what's wrong with me? Like there must be something wrong with me. And then, and then we hide that because I, if there's something wrong with me. I can't share that with Joey, I can't share that with my wife or my friend or my pastor or my, my, my mom, because, you know, they're gonna think something less of me, they're gonna [00:05:00] think, you know, that, um, they might, they might love me less, they might value me less, whatever that might be, and so we hide that, we hide the compulsion, we hide the bad behavior.

That we have to we have to untwist all that and start to speak hope into all of that, right? Because of course it's possible and any anyone who falls into any sort of Unhealthy behavior and there's there's so many and you're right to when you're mentioning today Obviously is is is so is so prevalent right now anyone who falls into that there is always always hope We can get into whatever you want to get into here, but i'll just give you like a little a little uh, Spoiler alert here the I the work that I do Is, is exactly this.

I'm working one on one with men all day, every day who had some point in their life, thought that. They were always gonna have this issue. They were always gonna be struggling with this and by, by, by their hard work, by the grace of God, you know, by the love and support of other friends and family, they have, they have not just found freedom, [00:06:00] but they're living in freedom.

And so, yeah, it's absolutely possible. It's held out to all of us. And, um, and it's real and it's, it's, it's real. I love that. That's so hopeful. And especially the stories, I think when you hear someone who's been through it. Has been able to break free, find freedom and we'll, we'll definitely get to that.

Cause I, again, I think that's so hopeful, but aside from that feeling of maybe feeling stuck or hopeless, what are some other emotions that men face when they're struggling in this way? Yeah, well, I think, um, I think the, what they struggle with when they're, when they're in a compulsion is, is not that unlike what we men struggle with in general.

Like there's universal struggles and very personal, particular struggles in which the way they're played out. I mean, You know, in general, men tend to struggle with, you know, am I man enough? You know, am I, am I adequate enough? Am I going to measure up? Am I going to, to be successful? Whatever that might look like to them.

And I think when you start to get into a, a [00:07:00] negative pattern, like porn compulsion, That will, that fear puts like fuel on the fire of that. Like, okay, no, I'm never going to live up. I'm always going to be inadequate. I'm never going to give in enough because it neuters a lot in a lot of ways, your ability to be able to, to grow.

It certainly affects the way in which you see yourself in a negative light. You start to see yourself through the eyes of what you perceive to be your failures, your shortcomings, your weaknesses. And when you start to perceive yourself that way, you start to, you start to diminish your own self worth.

Now, you can't diminish your own self worth in reality because you are infinitely valuable to the one who has created you and nothing will ever change that. But we, we change the perception of our value. And then we transfer or project that onto him or onto others. And if I feel this way about myself, well, my wife must feel this way.

My boss must feel this way. You know, God must feel this way. And now it's [00:08:00] only a matter of time before the jig is up and I'm found out to be the fraud that I know that I really am. And now we've just bought into the biggest lie that, you know, that man has ever bought into. And I think on some level, I've never met a man who hasn't bought into that.

In some way, shape or form, but when you throw a compulsion in there again, it's, it's really fueled to that fire because you start to have, you think you now have evidence. Of why all those lies you believe about yourself actually are true. And so it's, it's to be able to break those and speak into that is, is a real privilege of the work that I get to do.

I bet. And I love that you take this deeper approach because I think there's this temptation to say on the surface to say, well, men are just always going to struggle with porn and lust in general, and that's just the way it is. And, you know, I think there is maybe some biological truth to that. Like we.

We do have, you know, often men usually have like a very strong sex drive and that's like a good and beautiful thing. But yeah, I agree that like there's deeper issues here that often aren't addressed in this attempt to just kind [00:09:00] of reduce this issue to just, well, you're just really, you know, we have lack self control, but there's often a lot below the surface, which I love.

Uh, what you're saying. I remember hearing a quote of like, you're never, um, maybe as bad as you think you are or as good as you think you are. You're somewhere in the middle. All true. All true. All true. Or one of my, I'm going to butcher it, but one of my favorite quotes of my, my, uh, you know, my favorite saying, poke, jump all the second.

I think he said it at a world youth day in Toronto, you're not the sum of your failures and weaknesses, but the, but the sum of the father's love for you. And there's more to the quote, I forget what it is, but that is just so profoundly true for all of us, regardless of what our faith is, regardless of what we believe, this reality is innate in us, that we are not the sum of our failures and our weaknesses.

We, we, we are, we are, we were created for greatness. We're destined for greatness. And we are great. We not, we might not be behaving great, but that doesn't mean we're no longer great. We're still great. We we've just, we've just covered up our greatness [00:10:00] with, with actions. We've numbed it for whether it's porn, alcohol, gambling, the excesses that we can do to numb, whatever pains that we're experiencing.

And then, and then that, and then we can forget in the numbness, we can forget how great we really are. So as we begin to get sober, whatever, whatever it is that you're numbing yourself with, we can start to again, breathe a little fresh air and start to see clearly that's why it's so important that when you are.

Again, in a negative thought or behavior pattern like a porn compulsion, you start to, you want to start to get an understanding of like, what's that rooted in? Like, where's that coming from? So, so my clients, most of them are Christian. Most of them are Catholic. And I'll tell them, you know, God's interested in far more than just you stopping to look at porn.

Like, I think, like he wants so much more than that. And in fact, and I have to tell them too, you know, there's nothing uniquely wrong with you. We're all falling, we're all broken, you know, because when we buy the live, [00:11:00] I'm uniquely, somehow there's something wrong with me. Everyone else is okay, it's just me.

We buy that lie. We forget the reality of the fact that, you know, I am seen by God exactly as He created me. Like, my actions, my behavior does not and cannot change the way He sees me. I mean, if it did, then that would make Him a conditional God, a conditional Father, a conditional Lover. And we know that's not true.

He's unconditional. But this is how we project that onto Him. So He wants to say, okay, look, and this is part of the work that we'll do. Let's start to get a sense of where maybe some of this all, you know, is coming from, like what, what took you there in the first place and what keeps you going back?

Because there's, there's, there likely would be an escape mechanism. It's a coping mechanism. It's a numbing mechanism. But if you can get underneath the hood. And start to figure out where it's coming from. Again, my brother, you won't just stop looking at [00:12:00] porn. You'll be, you'll be living in freedom. And that's a whole different thing.

And that's what God wants. Like he's not, he doesn't come to condemn. He's not here to condemn. He's here to set us free. You know, so this is all an invitation to, to freedom, ultimately. Love that. So good. And yeah. And in terms of coping mechanisms, I remember just with my own past struggle with pornography, when my parents separated and later got divorced, it just brought so much pain and so many problems into my life.

And my drug of choice was pornography. By and large, and so yeah, it served a purpose. It was effective in the short term, but of course was just horrible for me as a person. I was damaging, you know, my relationships was damaging my soul, like all these negative effects. But, but I think it is good. Like you said, acknowledge that it does serve somewhat of a purpose, even if it's horrible for us, but if you can figure out what the purpose is, then you can start, you can start getting that, that whatever that is, if it's a wound and efficiency, whatever it might be.

Thank you. You can actually get that heal instead [00:13:00] of just continuing to numb it with the counterfeit. Love that. Love that. Why do men deserve better? Well, first of all, we've been created for better. Absolutely been created for better. I mean, we have a, we have a real purpose to be a gift, to be a masculine gift to everyone we encounter.

And what does that mean? Well, it means, it means that, that whoever's in front of me, you know, I have, I have a mission to, to love and serve. And work for the good of that person in whatever in, in, in the context of the relationship and the context of the setting. So whether it's the barista handing me my coffee, you know, there's a, there's a smile.

There's a thank you. There's some kind word, you know, that's been offered whether it's holding the door open for somebody as I'm walking into into a store to the office. Order the shoulder to cry on the words of wisdom the sense that that that that we are willing and ready to protect that we have this reality of strength under control which is my favorite definition of of meekness like we want our [00:14:00] wives to know that even though in our children so even though we could we could bring physical harm to them we would never do that because we're in control of our emotions however because we have that physical ability we will fight to the death for them.

You know, and, and this is, and this is what we've been created for. Now, if, to get, to get theological for a second, we would, I would believe as, as, as a Catholic that my, that my role and your role, Joey, is to, you know, simply put to image, image the Father, God the Father, and, and to whomever we encounter.

Like, like that's, that's a daily prayer of mine. God, you know, let whoever encounters me today encounter you. That's what I want. I want to image the father from my wife, my kids, whoever, whoever's in front of me. That's the masculine gift. And that's why we deserve better because everything that we do that is unhealthy, it won't cancel that out.

But it will certainly neuter it to some, some [00:15:00] degree. And this is why the guys start feeling such self loathing, such self disgust because they know they're harming their masculinity. They're harming, they're neutering their masculine gift. They're hurting their wives or children because they're removing themselves.

They're taking what's good and true and beautiful about themselves that's meant to be a gift to their wives and children and, and, and diminishing that. And this is why, though, as they begin to become free, I tell them all, everything that's been affected negatively by your porneas, as we, as we begin to get you free, will now start to become positively impacted.

And so to that point, I will tell you one of the greatest things I've ever heard from any client's wife. love it. I get chills every time I think about this. Thank you. She said, I got my husband back, you know, and, and what I love about that is I don't have a new man. I don't have the man I always dreamt of.

I have the man I fell in love with. He was gone for a while. But he's back, the real man, real self, you know, be [00:16:00] who you are. Don't be somebody else. Be who you actually are. So good. I love that. And I love the point about we're needed. And if we don't use our strength in a way that serves and protects and gives life to others, then.

There's going to be a void in not only our lives, but in their lives too, and you maybe think of Viktor Frankl, the Austrian psychiatrist who wrote the great book, Man's Search for Meaning, who I talk about a lot on this podcast, but he ran a clinic in Vienna for suicidal patients, and what he would do is in that clinic, he Um, use therapy called logo therapy.

It was something that he invented where he would, um, help these patients find meaning in their life, which is basically another way of saying a deep purpose that was bigger than themselves to live for. And it said that he never lost a single patient, which is unreal. And so I think we all long for that deeper mission.

I think, you know, men and women alike are made for that to be a part of something bigger than themselves. But I think men in a special way, like we need that focus. We need that mission. We need something that we can fight for. Something that we can move [00:17:00] towards. And so, um, yeah, it, it works. It's effective.

And I love that you're helping men enjoy. I'm sorry for your, uh, you know, for the, the pain you went through with the divorce. Yeah. No. So how, how old were you, you said when your parents divorced? About 11, I was 17 when my dad died. And so, you know, similar things. So you, you and I can answer the question from a different way.

You know, why do men deserve more? Because we, we know, we know the void. The unfillable void that's been left and in our lives. And so, so that has caused me to say something kind of, kind of, you know, cheesy and whatnot. But, but I've said about my own fatherhood. I said, look, even if I'm just a mediocre average dad, you know, I, I know the impact that it would have if I was suddenly removed from, from the, from the lives of my kids.

And so that motivates me to, to, to strive to be that what they need me to be. You know because I I'm painfully aware and of course the work that I do now I'm even more painfully aware [00:18:00] just like the work you do of of how Much that father wound can really affect us now. He doesn't have to be gone He could be in the home and it could still be a tremendous father wound Um, but we all have one on some level there's family boards and stuff and you you do this work, too But um, but we know we know how you and I and others who have had their dad removed from the home one way or another Um, by choice or, or by death, um, we know, we know the void and we're like, we can, we can answer.

That's, that's why, that's why the man's so important. That's why that's important. Because all this, all this pain happens, you know, when he's not there. I love that. No, it's so true. And if that's the problem, I want to shift to the solution. So. What is freedom coaching and how does it work? Awesome question.

Thank you for asking. So, um, so freedom coaching is, uh, has been around for probably like 12, 13 years started by a Franciscan grad, Steve McCorney, um, great guy, and, uh, he, he himself [00:19:00] struggled for, for a good 10 years or so. Also deep, you know, deep father wounds his father. This is all public knowledge. It's in his book um, his dad tried to to commit suicide by uh, asphyxiating himself with the car in the garage and it wasn't successful and then he ended up in a nursing home and And so steve says I it's like I lost my father twice You know because I lost him that day because he was no longer the same man after that because of the brain damage and then lost him again for good the second time he died, but um, you know and and and again It's really important to know and we don't blame anybody for our stuff.

This is never about blame. I mean, I tell all my, my, my clients that we, you know, we, we, at some point in our adult life, we have to stop at some point and say, okay, look, I am, I'm going to choose to believe, even if it's not true, I'm going to choose to believe that my parents did the best they knew how to do.

And, and I'm going [00:20:00] to forgive them. I'm not going to blame them anymore for anything. That said, I'm going to be also very honest about what wounds or deficiencies I, I've experienced as a result of my family of origin, not so I can blame them anymore, but so that I can, I can get those things healed and move forward.

So Freedom Coaching, um, was born out of Steve's own struggles, um, and his own discovery of John Paul II's theology of the body and his own deep faith. Thank And so it led him on a journey. Like he, he, he didn't know how to get free either and he couldn't find anything. And so God inspired him to develop this, this program.

And, and it's, it's, it's, there's four stages to it. We, we do, um, we work through the men's background. We do talk through family boards and stuff. We do, we do give them an opportunity to process past events that have never been processed before, because when, when, when a trauma. Or a highly emotionally charged experience has happened in our past and we haven't [00:21:00] processed it that the neuroscience shows us that gets lodged in the right part of the brain where the feelings and emotions are and it locks out the left part of the brain, which is the logic.

And so, so every once in a while, if we, if we, if we don't, if we encounter something similar, Um, Later in life, you know, Joey experiences something when he's seven and, and, and he, and, and he's never processed that when he's 27, 57, 87, and he encounters something, a similar experience, he can respond the same way he did when he was seven and he has no idea why.

So this is part of why we'll revert right back to, you know, sort of like the, the, the child that got stuck. Or revert right back to some of those bad behaviors. So in a process, we give the left brain a chance to process and then calm those emotions down. We, we pray through those, we surrender all those, you know, to, to the Lord and we work and allow him into those memories.

God normally does not wipe a memory clean. That's not the business that he's in, [00:22:00] but the business that he is in is redemption. And so he'll redeem and heal and set free. The memories because all of us are dragging stuff through life that we're much of it. We're not even aware of and they're like chains around the ankles.

They just hold us back from becoming the greatness that we are. And so the more we can get released, the better I teach them the neuroscience. We teach them the neuroscience at freedom coaching. Oh, by the way, it's a one on one coaching experience. Just like we're having, you know, one on one conversation over over video.

Teach them the neuroscience because their brain was literally rewired by the pornies. And this is not magic, it's science. Our brains are wiring and rewiring themselves all the time. Sometimes we do it on purpose, and sometimes we don't. I like to ask my guys. So I'll ask you, Joey, do you play? Have you ever, have you ever played basketball?

I have not very good at basketball in particular, but if you were to do a layup, would it be a left handed or a right handed right handed? So Joey, you go to your coach one day and say, coach, I [00:23:00] want to learn how to do a left handed layup. And he's like, Joey, get your butt in the gym every day for two weeks.

I want you to do a hundred left handed layups. And then all of a sudden, one day Joey's in a game. He does a left handed layup without even thinking about it. So that muscle memory that's rewiring your brain, you learn a new language, new skillset, we're doing this all the time. So, but your brain and, and, and we didn't intend for this to happen.

We never gave our brain permission. No one looks at porn and says, Hey, let's rewire our brain. So it takes me there. But it happens. We build up neural pathways. The neural pathway says, gets trained and says, Hey, so, so Joey, you're, you're, um, you're stressed. Let's let's let's because the brain's designed to protect you.

So it wants to normally escape. It's a fight or flight mechanism. So let's get out of this uncomfortable situation and let's go self medicate by looking at porn and masturbating because through the use of that, you've trained your brain to know. It's going to get a really high hit of the good chemicals.[00:24:00]

We get, science has shown us, we get a, it's ridiculously high. It's way too much. It's unhealthy amount. Dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin, all this stuff. Very high hit when we look at porn and masturbate. So the brain gets trained. Give me more of that. Give me more. Give me more. Give me more. And that starts the cycle and the compulsion.

So. We have to start literally doing some brain exercises, not magic. It's science to retrain the brain when you get. So we start identifying what are, what are your triggers? Is it when you're stressed? Is it when you're lonely board? What, what typically triggers you into that flight into the porn? And then we start looking for healthy replacements.

It takes a little while, a few weeks, maybe longer, but over time, the brain starts to retrain itself to go. Oh, I can get the good chemicals I need from going for a bike ride, listening to a podcast, checking in with Mike, whatever, you know, instead of, instead of going to the porn. So that's, that's kind of what we do.

So then we teach them a lot of, you know, a [00:25:00] lot of prayer. We teach them a lot of other activities and things, but it's one on one. So we're checking in. I serve as a bit of an accountability partner, you know, but more, more just entering in. And journey with them as far as that road will take us until they reach their ultimate goal of freedom when they're married.

Of course, by extension, this beautifully ends up having an impact on on their marriages too. So I get to watch them transform and by extension their marriages. So it's it's really incredible. So it's 1 on 1 weekly every other week, whatever. We don't usually, but, um, It's it's it's somewhat flexible on that, but we like to keep the momentum going.

So every week or every other week, that makes sense. And how long is typical? I know it probably varies quite a bit, but how long is typical for a man to like be in a program like that before he could then say, I'm able to stand on my two feet. Of course, I'm You know, maybe he builds a local community with other men that can kind of help him or something like that.

But how long would someone typically be in a program like that? That's the best question that I never know how to answer. Um, yeah, no, I just, just history. I can tell you it, [00:26:00] yes, it's so lame to say it depends, but it depends. And here's why, because. One guy might have so much stuff in his background. He might have so much stuff that he wants to talk through.

And it could take months just to get through that. I've had guys who didn't have a whole lot and we got through it in a couple of sessions. You know, some guys, some guys need to talk. Some guys, I'm the only person they talk to all week. It's a slight exaggeration, but it comes pretty close for some of these guys.

So they just, they need to talk and I'm there to serve them and love them as best that I can. So I keep them on track, but I gotta give them that space. Some guys just wanna get right down to, okay, what do we got today, Steve? Let's go. You know, it just depends. So it, some guys will show up and their marriage is such a wreck that, that they're, they're, they, they're not in no place to talk about our work.

They just wanna talk about their marriage. So that, that's why it, it, it sounds lame. But it's very legitimate to say. It depends. But I will give [00:27:00] you, I will give you on average six months to a year. And again, also depends how frequent you meet as well and how, how serious you are about the homework and how serious you are about working at this.

Actually, do you mind, I, I, you said, you said something in your, in your opening that I wanted, I wanted to come back to and it's appropriate. Please do that. You, you said the, the phrase, um, you know, want to quit something like that. This is really critically important because when you get into a compulsive pattern, a compulsive behavior, sometimes you don't really want to quit and sometimes you want to quit a little bit, but not a lot of it.

You know, we get comfortable with our vices. We are comfortable with our bad behavior. And, and, and so I have to challenge it occasionally from time to time. Okay. So like on a scale of one to 10, Hmm. How bad do you really want to quit? Maybe it's a six. Okay, start good Acknowledge it, you know and and maybe ask for the grace if you're a praying man ask for the grace to get to a seven you know because We we want to hold on these things.

So what we tell them is [00:28:00] Clearly, there's so much more going on that we can't just simply quit with an act of the will. Like we can't, very few people can say, I just quit and really quit cold turkey. But likewise, and just as important, you can't quit without your will. Like, you know, no one's going to take it away from you, including God.

God is not going to take it from you. You have, you have to want it, you have to ask for it and you want to be able to surrender. So sometimes. Motivation is important as well. How bad we really want that. So, um, I hope that answers the question on how long. It's a tough one to answer because there's a lot of a lot of variables, but that's, that's the general sort of scope of things.

Yeah, no, that's a good range. In terms of like an investment of, of time, like that is a great investment. I mean, if this usually I bet for men who are talking with you, it's been a struggle for years and years and years before they're even willing. To look or ask for help. Yes. And so it's like so much lost time, like probably hundreds of hours of lost time and [00:29:00] years of their life that has just been wasted, you know, on this vice.

And then looking forward, it's like, okay, you don't have to do this coaching. You don't have to do anything like this. You don't have to even get porn out of your life. If you want to continue, do you have free will? You can choose that. But. You know, I'm not being facetious here. I know like there's this, like you said, this maddening like dimension of our struggles in this area where it's like we find comfort in the misery.

It's really fascinating. But you know, again, like looking at it in terms of like, okay, are you how serious are you about getting this out of your life? Thinking to the future? It's like, is a six months or a year or maybe even longer in this program? Yeah. Worth transforming your life entirely and bringing it to a point where you, you know, don't struggle.

I mean, maybe it's a temptation always, but you don't struggle seriously with this. And maybe the temptation becomes almost like non threatening, um, for the next 50 years of your life, 30 years of your life. It's like that is an incredible investment. It's like almost in the business world. If [00:30:00] you, you know, were to ask someone, Hey, if I gave you this training that lasted six months or a year, What And you can go on and you can save, you know, a hundred hours a year, or, you know, a thousand hours a year.

And then you can make, you know, an extra hundred thousand dollars in a year, every year for the rest of your life. I mean, you would jump right on it when you think about it. Yeah, exactly. And I think in a similar way, It, it, all this is connected. Like you could live such a better life. You could probably excel even more in your career, have better relationships, you know, just feel more emotional peace.

Like if you were to invest in something like that, so I totally get the resistance that we all feel there and doing a program like this, but I just wanted to touch on that because I think it is a very real problem that people face when they're thinking like, maybe I'll do it, maybe I won't know. It's not the time.

That's a lot of effort. So yeah, any thoughts on that? Beautifully said. Beautifully said. I, you know, the, the, yeah, the last thing you said about, um, having positive impacts on other areas of your life. Yeah. You know, I think, you know, I, I like to quote the, the one scripture when the sun sets you free, you're free indeed.

[00:31:00] What happens is when you, when you're enslaved in any particular area of your life, it's affecting all areas of your life. So it only stands to reason that when that area gets freed up, it's going to have a positive impact. So absolutely. Cause I, I'm, I'm watching. Like a lot of, a lot of, um, a lot of men who are, who will, you know, when they first sign on, we go through this whole intake form and, and, and I hear, I see over and over, over again, struggle with, um, with confidence, you know, struggle with social anxiety, like those are two things right there that I see quick improvement on as, as, as people get free and again, the science makes sense because you've been, you're forming yourself You're forming your brain, your vision in a fantasy world.

So then when you come out of that fantasy world, No wonder it's so awkward to connect with reality. You're cause you're, you're so formed in the fantasy world. So it affects all that. So you get free from all that. It starts to free up your confidence and your self esteem and your ability to communicate with people in real life.

And that's a big deal. I mean, [00:32:00] especially like a lot of the guys who are younger and they, they'd like to date. They like to find somebody. They just, they're just, they're just so, they just feel so inept. They feel so emasculated by all of this stuff, you know, because to some degree they are, but that's not who they are.

So as they become free, they sort of discover who they really are, and that really boosts their confidence. So yeah, definitely see a lot of that. Now again, especially, especially if you are, you know, if, if a guy is, is someone who, um, is Catholic. And he wants to understand the fullness of his faith and not just be free from pornography, but also grow in the fullness of what it means to be a Catholic Christian man, then it's even a better investment because that's so much of what we do here because we have to not just again, we say it's not just freedom from its freedom for so we're getting free.

From the porn so we can be free for a life that god's called us to like again John paul ii says freedom doesn't exist for freedom's sake it exists for for love. That's our mission So love in the masculine way in a masculine [00:33:00] gift. And so yeah, totally a great investment and I completely see Their whole lives transform not it's not like their life is the same They're not looking at porn anymore.

Now that's just the tip of the iceberg of what the positive effects here. Um, now, of course, if anybody's concerned, there are no contracts, you know, people drop guys, drop out. I've had guys drop out for a while and then come back, you know, so there's no stress, there's no pressure. I'm here for you. We're here for you.

The organization is here for you, you know, whatever, whatever, whatever your needs are. So, um, so there's no. There's no sense of like, Oh my gosh, I'm signing up for, for six months to a year. No, you're taking it one step at a time. In fact, that's a big thing too. We, we start teaching them what it means to live one day at a time, you know, really in the present moment and not worry about, about tomorrow.

Just know you're going someplace good. God's bringing you someplace good. So good. And I love that, that idea of like a rising tide raises all ships. So if you kind of. Work on one area of your life, it [00:34:00] will bring up other areas of your life too. And on that note, I'm just curious if you have any like quick tip, like what's maybe one tip that you'd offer to men listening right now that are struggling?

And again, they can use it today. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the first thing that comes to mind is breathe, you know, breathe. Go easy on yourself. First of all, breathing is, is spiritual, but also very scientific. When we, when we feel tempted and you said something before, you may not live a temptation to free life.

No one, of course, is guaranteed that that's not what this is about. What I want to teach you though, is that is to, is to what it means to be in the world, but not of it. That means you can navigate whatever the world throws out at you. You know, if you really can't have your smartphone, if you really can't have Netflix, fine, get rid of it.

But I want to take you beyond that because in my, in my definition, that's not the fullness of freedom yet. Those are still coping mechanisms and they serve a place and a purpose for a time. But I want to get you to a place where you can have full access to anything and everything. [00:35:00] Because you're totally free to know how to navigate it.

You can go right to the good stuff on Netflix or right to the good stuff on your phone and avoid everything you shouldn't. And if something comes at you that you weren't expecting, you know, how to just flick it away. It's it, you know, it's not going to haunt you. It's not going to get his hooks in you anymore because you're going to become not just free, but inoculated from all of this stuff.

So again, I don't want you just to be free. I want you to live in freedom. And so. So sometimes when we get caught by the temptation, it literally will catch, take our breath away. And once our breath is taken away, our brain start, our eyes are trapped. And our brain starts to wander, so breathe, literally breathe that because the science shows us that that when we, when something shocking hits us, or there's a break between the left and the right hemispheres of our brain, but breathing reintegrates them.

So, it logic comes back. It's a load. See, what are you doing? Don't come on, man. You know, so breathe. I like to say, breathe, break your environment. So again, if you're [00:36:00] on the computer and something shows up, breathe, get up, go do something else, but go do something else. It's important that you, cause your brain in that moment is saying to you.

I need a chemical hit. So give it one, but make sure you, but go for a walk, go for a bike ride, you know, go do something that's healthy. Go do 20 pushups, something that you enjoy doing, where you'll get, you're going to get the chemicals, but it's going to be healthy. So breathe, break the environment, go do something else.

And please, my brothers and sisters, go easy on yourself. This is a journey. You know, we, you are not, you're not going to ever, the most dangerous thing a Christian can say. There are no trophies, no, no gold stars or ribbons were always going to be in the process of becoming perfected, you know, because whatever it might be, we might overcome this.

Then there's going to be something else. We're going to want to work on. So we're always in the process of becoming perfected. And so, so just enjoy the journey. [00:37:00] Don't put that stress on yourself to feel like I got to get this figured out now. Why haven't, why am I not further along than I thought I would be by now?

Why am I still dealing with this? That's, that's the way this is, you know, and that's the journey. So. Get it in the light, you know, if you have it, that's another thing too, is get it in the light. Talk to somebody, you know, have, find somebody that you feel will receive you in a safe way and be vulnerable about this.

There's a 99 percent chance that he will say the two most powerful words in the English language. Yeah, me too, me too. And, and then you will feel, oh my goodness, I'm not the only one. Okay. And then, and then if you really, and if you want, you go, you know, if you're, if you're Catholic, go to confession, reach out to your pastor, reach out to us, you know, um, but, uh, but if you're alone in that moment, breathe, break the environment and go do something else.

Thanks so much. And Steve, you clearly have a heart for. These men, and I'm curious, it's kind of two questions, which you touched on a little bit before, but let's go deeper. Why do you care [00:38:00] one, about these men so much? And two, uh, what transformations have you seen in the men that you've coached? Yeah, beautiful question.

Um, so it's, it's, um, it's difficult to answer the first question. I, I'm not 100 percent sure. I feel like the Lord over the many years of just living, The Lord has shaped my heart, um, to just have the heart of the father or a father. I mean, I literally just love being dad. I love, I love speaking truth and love and mercy and compassion and empathy into, into people that I meet.

Um, you know, it's, um, it's just, I think something the Lord has formed me in over the decades. I certainly, again, with the wounds of my own. You know father fatherlessness and other things. I certainly know what it's like to to to give my my my emotions over Surrender that and lose control. I certainly know what that feels like to be [00:39:00] enslaved But I also but I also have tasted so much the beauty Of what it means to to live a free life or a freer life because we're always growing in that right?

and so The opportunity to, to speak this into men, to, to, to, to remind them of their greatness, as you mentioned before, to, to encourage them, you know, we call ourselves a coach, but I more feel like a cheerleader most of the time, you know, because I like, I just want to, I want to encourage, you know, and call men on and to remind them of who they are.

So, um, and of course, the more I do this, the more I see. The fruits and that just encourages me even more to keep going with this. It also it's you know, it's it's you know I've gotten the point now where i'll just start talking about porn at a dinner party or a you know, whatever I mean, you know, obviously i'm being a little facetious But but but i'm not shy about it anymore because I know this is like, you know This is this is not something in the back alleys anymore.

This is in the pews. [00:40:00] This is in our families. It's affecting Us or somebody we know, you know, the listener or someone they know for sure. Everyone's been exposed. I have never met a person in my life who's not been exposed or that they weren't exposed until they were an adult with a fully formed brain.

So you get exposed. Your brain's not fully formed yet. You don't know how to process it. You don't know what to do with it, but you're curious. It's intriguing. It's intoxicating. You go back to it again and again, before you know it, your brain's been wired. The guys have to know that they are complicit on some level for continuing to go there, but on another real level, much of this is not really their fault.

You know, there's a lot of factors at play here. So I want, I also like, I want guys to take it seriously. But stop beating yourself up. Go easy on yourself. As far as the transformation, it's been just incredible. I have guys who, who, um, who have a real success real quick. Others who [00:41:00] takes longer, but when it starts to click in and you can see that the neural pathways in their brain have actually started to, to rebuild.

Um, and because now the struggle is getting easier, you know, we're going to, they're going to be in this battle, but the battle is not going to have to be as hard as it seems right now, because until your brain's rewired, your brain is literally working against you. It's trying to take you someplace. You don't really want to be going.

So you got to get your brain working for you. And so once we see that, then I see the beautiful transformation. Then, then to your earlier point, the transformation happens because it starts to open up other areas of their life. I started hearing about, you know, new and. Unexpected, beautiful connections with their wife or with their children with her fiance or girlfriend or coworker, you know, beautiful encounters.

I start to hear experiences they're having where, where, where they would have been tempted to lust in the past. Now they were just loving that person, you know, beautiful stories about how they [00:42:00] entered into intercessory prayer for a woman they saw at the airport or whatever it might have been before they would have just been gawking.

You know, and, and they, and, and that self realization of like, they're starting to realize what you said before. Wow. I, I, I'm made for more than what I thought I was, you know, and they start to taste that and the more you taste it, the more you want that. So you put the counterfeit behind you and you start going after the real thing.

And that's where transformation really happens. Beautiful. And I know I imagine like relationships and marriages have been saved. Divorces have been avoided. You know, like you said before, anxiety and depression had been largely cured money probably has been saved, you know, careers perhaps have been saved, like their bodies transformed.

I'm sure because of that kind of linchpin effect where they get control of this area of their lives and then they get control of their other, the other areas of life too. So I imagine there's so much there and thanks for mentioning that. And I wanted to touch on one thing you said earlier, and you just mentioned again about how, yeah, we need to take ownership and there is this balance between.[00:43:00]

You know, kind of not going hard on ourselves and still like taking ownership and, and in terms of our parents too, I just want to touch on that because, you know, the people listening right now are coming from really broken families, divorce, separation, often infidelity, like a lot of messy stuff. So the way I usually talk about it is like, there's a purpose for grieving all of that.

And I know you would agree with us. There's a purpose for grieving all that we need to grieve that loss. That's a serious thing. It's something that shouldn't be taken lightly. Um, but you're right. At some point, we have to ask the question, like you said, now what? Now what? Like, what am I going to do with this?

How am I going to move forward in life? How am I going to not allow this to have the last word, to not control me? And so the way I usually talk about it is that, you know, the grieving can't last forever. Uh, it needs to be there. It can't last forever. And we have to ask that question now. And so even if the problem wasn't our, you know, our cause, like we didn't cause it.

We can take ownership of the solution, right? And that's what I hear you talking about. So I love. And so, so I, and then in that solution, I think it is wise to like, give yourself grace. When you fall so you can get back [00:44:00] up. So you're not discouraged because discouragement will keep you stuck. Um, but at the same time, you know, take ownership and call yourself onto something greater because you can, you can get over this, you can move beyond.

It doesn't have to be your life story. Amen. Amen. And I think what you're speaking about beautifully is the difference between, between, um, between blaming and reasons. Like, you know, we, we can't blame anyone for our bad behavior. We can't blame anyone for, you know, I, I, I joke. And again, as a Catholic, obviously we go to.

I joke and I tell my guys, okay, so this is the litmus test. Go, go to confession and say, Hey, father, you know, I, I, I, I sinned. I was in, I was in church and I was lusting after this woman. It wasn't my fault. You should have seen the way she was dressed, you know, and, and, and I'm like, father would get a good chuckle just like you're doing now.

And he'd say, my son, that's, that's, I understand, but that's not a good confession because. You can't blame another person for your sin. You know, you can't blame another person. So even though we think we want to blame whoever, our wife, our [00:45:00] parents, we can't blame. But that said, there are reasons. There might be reasons why I slipped into X, Y, or Z.

So we want, we want to look at the reasons. So we, we don't let ourselves off the hook, but we also don't want to beat ourselves up. So we look at the reasons and we start to see, okay, so, um, what, what are the reasons again, that led us to that. And keep us there, you know, and, and, and is that, is that reason?

What is that reason? Is it a wound? A deficiency? Is it real? Is it perceived? What is it? Let's address it. Let's get it in the light. Let's get it healed. So you can be, you can be set free from that. And if it's, if it's a, if it's a, if it's a different sort of thing, like I work with, um, let's say I work with guys who, and, and, and these, these guys, God bless them really, really have a tough, tough go at this.

They, they, they live alone. And they work from home. So, so isolation is always knocking at their door. This is, they're, they're always on at the risk of slipping into isolation. And so we have to work hard. [00:46:00] Okay, so, so you're, it's, it's, it's, so we'll talk about, so your current reason might be loneliness, for example.

So we got to find, we got to find, Ways to adjust. We're not making excuses. We're not saying, oh, if I could just get married, if I could just find a job where it was, no, those are excuses. The reasons I'm going is because I'm feeling the ache of loneliness. Okay. Well, let's address the reason now, you know, let's not go find you a wife.

That's not going to solve this problem. You know, let's not go change your job. That's not going to probably solve the problem. That's not going to get to the root of it because the root for you, you discover now. You know, not, not you personally, but, but that client is, is the loneliest. So let's get to that now and see how we can start addressing that one.

And of course we invite, we invite the Lord into that and we start to find ways in which we can actually address the root cause of it. The real reason. Appreciate that. And if there's a man listening right now who's thinking, you know, I might not feel like doing this, but I know I need this. What's the next step that they could take?

How do they sign up and start? Yeah, no. And that's a great [00:47:00] question, because I want everybody to know that, you know, the first session All of this and so much more gets explained and we start doing work in the first session, but there's no obligation to do a session to, you know what I mean? Um, and or that, but, but if you go to freedom dash coaching dot net, you can read all about it.

You can see me. You can peruse the other coaches. You can fill out the application if you want to and we're, we're doing, um, you know, freedom coaching is, is, um, is offering actually the first session for free to anyone who mentions, uh, mentions you, you know, when they, when they sign on. So there's no obligation all then for any of your listeners, so they can fill it or they can mention us, they can pick a coach and.

And you're welcome. You're welcome. One word about the coaches. The whole team is fabulous. You can, you can select a coach. We encourage selecting two coaches because your first we will do our absolute best to assign your first choice, but it's not always possible. It's a [00:48:00] prayerful decision. It might not.

We might not feel it's even the right match. Um, but we'll, we'll, we'll do our best to match with their first and if not, you know, your second. So, but you're welcome to select a coach and if you don't select a coach, then we'll just, we'll just prayerfully, you know, match, match you with one. But first session, first session is free and no obligation for, you know, a second one.

And I really appreciate you offering that to our listeners, and I know it'll be a great value. And so you really have nothing to lose. You know, maybe you might be embarrassed or shy or something, but at some point, this needs to come into the light. And if you want to heal it and overcome it, so I would just encourage you take that step.

And so, in addition to the website, is there any other places online that people can find you or contact you? No, that would be the place. Thank you for asking. But I want to respond to something you just said. Embarrassed, all that. Listen. There is no, there is no embarrassment here. There is no, there is no condemnation.

No judgment. Um, this is, this is a place to find, you know, a [00:49:00] brother, whether it's me or the coach to understands the issue and, and, and just cares about you and your freedom. And the longer we stay embarrassed or ashamed. The longer it's going to take to get to our freedom, because we, we have to make that step.

We have to want it just enough to at least, okay, I'm going to take one step and see what happens. So, um, you know, if you, if you're on the fence, come on, check it out. And, uh, and again, like you said, there's really nothing to lose for that one hour of your time, because, uh, you're not going to have to pay for the first session, but you'll walk away from the first session with, with already with some tools, you know, to, to get you going.

Love that. And comfort is a slow death. So avoid that. Often discomfort is a sign that you're growing and that's what we all want. So Steve, thank you so much for being here. Really honored by you and the work that you do. I'm definitely supportive of it. And so I hope many people come to you through this episode and you can help them find freedom.

I want to give you the final word though. What final advice or encouragement do [00:50:00] you the men who are struggling with unwanted sexual behavior? Yeah. You're not alone. You are not. Alone if you if you if you're sitting in a pew at church If you're sitting at the office, I you know, I I'm you are not alone This this is every man is fighting this on somewhat or has fought it on some level.

You're not alone So all that's needed is a little bit of honesty and humility the honest to say, okay I have this struggle Um, and I no longer want it and the humility to say I could use a little bit of help And you will be on your way. You'll be on your way.

Here's my challenge If you're struggling with unwanted sexual behavior. Take a risk and schedule the first session for free. Again, make sure to add to the form that you heard Steve on the restored podcast. So you can get that first session for free. And if you're tempted to deal with this on your own, I get that, but consider this.

It [00:51:00] might be possible for you to overcome unwanted sexual behavior on your own, but it's extremely unlikely. Like, if you were making a bet, it would be a stupid bet to bet on overcoming this on your own. Like, in my opinion, we're talking about, like, a 1 5 percent chance. So, we're talking 95 99 percent likely that you'll just keep struggling.

And not because you don't mean well, it's just because it's not effective to do it on your own. So, it's truly an option. You could keep trying on your own and continue struggling and perhaps struggle for the next 15 years. And I don't say that facetiously, I say it with a lot of love. Or, you can stick out your neck, feel embarrassed about asking for help, but then actually get porn or other unwanted sexual behaviors out of your life for good.

And like Steve said, on average they see that it takes about 6 to 12 months, it varies a little bit, but maybe 6 to 12 months, uh, in this program. And so the question is this. Is that huge potential win that could change your life? Like imagine all the ways it can change your life, not just this [00:52:00] area of your life, but the spillover effect it would have in other areas is that huge potential win worth.

a little embarrassment. Only you can answer that. But if you'd like to take that next step and act in spite of your fear, right? Do it scared. Just click on the link in the show notes. If you'd like to fill out the application and then schedule an appointment with the freedom coaches and perhaps you'll get Steve as a coach as well.

So go ahead. My challenge for you is to do that today. Another resource that I wanted to mention is that so often at the root of sexual compulsion or brokenness is trauma, but before you can heal it, you have to understand it. Our free mini course on trauma titled why you feel broken consists of five short videos by a trauma therapist that answers the questions.

What is trauma? What impact does it have on your body? How does it affect your emotions? What does it do to your mind and how does it impact your relationships again? Once you understand what trauma is and how it's affecting you today Then you can begin to heal [00:53:00] and build the life that you long for again to get the free course It's really easy.

Just go to restored ministry Dot com slash broken just sign up for free and then you can begin watching the course again. That's restored ministry Dot com slash broken or just click on the link in the show notes That wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them.

Seriously, take 30 seconds now or less to just message them that, Hey, I heard this episode. Thought it might resonate with you given what you've been through and just wanted to share. That's it. That's all I need to do. And in closing, always remember, you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.

And keep in mind the words of C. S. Lewis who said, You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are. And change the ending.[00:54:00]

I Knew It Was Over

1 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous woman at 51 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 10. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

It started with a lot of fighting and then my mom sleeping in my room instead of her own. One day she sat me down on my bed to tell me they were separating. I knew it was over. We moved out of the house and never went back. I switched schools 3 times in the next 2 years. It destroyed me.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

Scared. Alone. Angry. Ashamed. Unsafe. For a long time every night, I would go to bed and wish I would wake up and it was all a dream. My sense of self and safety was destroyed.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her

I was left alone a lot after school and at night. My parents never seemed to be concerned about how any of this made me feel. Looking back I had social anxiety prior to this so this increased my anxiety and I started self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, and promiscuity. I developed depression and started having panic attacks as an adult. To this day I still battle anxiety, depression, and a distorted view of myself.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Talk to someone you trust about how you feel about it. Know that it is not your fault and you didn’t deserve this.

---

Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

#105: Healing Sexual Brokenness: A Resource for Women Struggling | Rachael Killackey

If you’re a woman that struggles with unwanted sexual behavior, you are not alone. The myth of porn, or even lust, being a male problem is just that - a myth. More importantly, healing and freedom are within reach for you. 

In this episode, brave author and speaker Rachael Killackey shares her struggles with unwanted sexual behavior and a valuable resource for women struggling, plus:

• The emotions that sexual struggles brought into her life

• How she found freedom and helps other women now, too

• How you should respond if you have a relapse

Buy Rachael’s Book: Love in Recovery: One Woman's Story of Breaking Free from Shame and Healing from Pornography Addiction

Join a Magdala group

Listen to the Magdala Podcast

Get FREE Mini-Course: Why You Feel Broken

Links & Resources

Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through the links on this page, your purchase will support Restored at no additional cost to you. Thank you!

• To leave feedback, comment below or contact us.

• Books

  • Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence | Dr. Anna Lembke

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As a bonus, you'll receive the first chapters from our book, It's Not Your Fault: A Practical Guide to Navigating the Pain and Problems from Your Parents' Divorce.

TRANSCRIPT

Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!

Episode 105

[00:00:00] If you're a woman who struggles with unwanted sexual behavior, you are not alone. The myth of porn or even lust being just a male problem is just that, a myth. And more importantly, healing and freedom are within reach for you, even if you don't feel like it. In this episode, brave author and speaker, Rachel Kalacki, shares her struggles with unwanted sexual behavior and a valuable resource for women struggling too.

Plus, we talk about the emotions that sexual struggles brought into her life. She shares how she found freedom and helps other women now. Two, we touch on what freedom from unwanted sexual behavior actually looks like. She offers advice on how you should respond if you have a relapse. And finally, she gives encouragement for any women struggling that feel hopeless.

Such a beautiful and refreshing conversation. So keep listening.[00:01:00]

Welcome to the Restored Podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents'. Divorce, separation, or broken marriage so you can feel whole again and break the cycle. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. This is episode 1 0 5. This episode is also part six of our series called Healing Sexual Brokenness.

On this show, we feature stories and expert interviews about how to heal from the trauma of your parents divorce and broken family, or how to navigate the pain and the problems that stem from it. One of the biggest problems that often stems from your family's breakdown. is unwanted sexual behavior like pornography, masturbation, hookup culture, paying for sex, infidelity, and so much more.

In fact, one expert found that almost 90 percent of those who struggle with sexual addiction come from a broken family. In this series, you'll get tactics and resources to overcome unwanted sexual behavior so you can find freedom. [00:02:00] And a little trigger warning, this is obviously a mature topic, so we recommend putting in earphones or at least not listening around children.

With that, my guest today is Rachel Kolacki. Rachel is a Colorado native, depending on your definition of native, who earned her bachelor's and master's degree in theology from Ave Maria University. After beginning to share her testimony in college, Rachel has had the privilege of hearing dozens of beautiful stories of healing from sexual addiction and is pursuing certification in sexual addiction therapy.

Rachel married her husband Tommy in 2021, and they now live in Tampa, Florida with their daughter, where she enjoys the beach almost as much as she enjoys the mountains. Her book, Love and Recovery, is available through Ave Maria Press. Pumped for you to hear this conversation, but first just wanted to say They, in this episode, we do talk about God and faith, and if you don't believe in God, you're totally welcome here.

Anyone listening for a while knows that this is not a strictly religious podcast, so wherever you're at, I'm so glad that you're here. And if you don't believe in God, my challenge for you is this. Just [00:03:00] listen with an open mind. Even if you skip or take out the God parts, you'll still benefit from this episode.

And lastly, before we jump in the conversation, funny story, during our interview, I completely lost power in our studio for hours. And so we had to reschedule the interview to finish on another day. And so you'll hear both parts in this episode, but just a warning if we mentioned that, or maybe the audio sounds a little bit different at parts.

Either way, it's a great, super helpful conversation with Rachel.

Rachel, it's such an honor to have you on the show. Thanks for being here. Thanks for having me, Joey. I wanted to start with kind of the obvious question, like, why in the world do you care so much about women who struggle with lust or unwanted sexual behavior, however you want to talk about it? Yeah, I, well, I love that this is your first question, because usually right out of the gate, people ask me for stats of like, Why, why or just that I have to prove that women struggle.

So why do I care? I think because I experienced personally the isolation [00:04:00] and just the heaps upon heaps of shame that are associated with women struggling with sexual addiction in my own story. And then. When I would reach out for help, there was just nothing. So I, I think I just wanted to create what I would have needed at the time.

And yeah, that's why I move forward. That's beautiful. You felt that you've been through it and I want to go deeper there. I'm curious as much as you're comfortable sharing, what's your story? What's your struggle been like with this? Yeah. So I was exposed to porn when I was 13, which statistically is a little bit late.

I think the average age for girls is 11 and boys is nine, but it kind of, Answered a lot of, uh, questions I had a lot of discomfort I had with myself because of early kind of violations of my sexuality that I experienced as a child. So I was headed into middle school with a lot of discomfort and yeah, just already a lot of bodily shame.

And so pornography kind of came into my life in in that. That season and felt just kind of like [00:05:00] medicine to those insecurities and those experiences and I ended up struggling for about five years after that. So I didn't enter recovery until I was a sophomore in college, but yeah, I was, it was five years of kind of this on and off battle with the content itself, but also just with whether or not I was actually struggling.

I went through a lot of narratives in my head of, you know, women don't watch porn, so that can't be what I'm watching or. I'm the only one who struggles with this and so I can't tell anyone or just lots of back and forth and it kind of felt like. Because the church was not giving me a framework for women struggling, that meant that God did not have a framework for me struggling.

So it was something that went largely unaddressed in my personal prayer life, um, in my friendships, I just, it was really my secret. And I started to slowly come to terms with what I was doing late in high school. And... I ended up telling my closest friend later on in high school as well. And [00:06:00] then in college was when I really came to grips with, like, what it could do to my life if I didn't get it under control.

I had tried a couple different tactics. Like, I had gotten rid of my smartphone for a while. I, you know, I tried accountability. I tried a couple different things, but it took kind of a combination of a bunch of things eventually, but and just a lot of, a lot of prayer as well. But yeah, I didn't, I didn't have the...

The ability to enter recovery until sophomore year, when I finally those 2 narratives kind of came together of like, yes, I am a woman. I am struggling with this and yes, God does want to help me. There's a higher power that can help me. And once those 2 things came together, I was able to enter some healing beautiful.

And thanks for sharing. So, vulnerably, like you, I was 11 and that became my drug of choice, especially In the wake of my parents separation and later divorce. And so I totally got, you know, it's such an addictive thing, but it really serves such a basic need of calming ourselves when we feel anxious or whatever other need that we're [00:07:00] feeling by going to it.

So, um, so totally hear you there. And I love that, you know, in this. And what you just said is just this idea that you can be a woman and be fully woman and still struggle with this stuff. Like there's nothing that makes you less female, less women, less feminine, um, in struggling with this. Like, obviously we want to break free and leave that behind, but that doesn't make you any less of a woman.

Yeah, absolutely. Because I think a lot of the narratives that I heard. Whether from like secular or even church spaces, it's just, uh, there's just a lot of influence of purity culture of, it seems like we almost would prefer that women were asexual and we spend a lot of time, uh, talking to men about their sexuality, talking, there, there's permission for men to struggle, but there was never like, never once did I hear this addressed towards women from either a secular or a church standpoint, right.

Hmm. A lot of our, you know, any talk I heard or any sort of, like, youth event, it addressed, like, emotions. It was all about [00:08:00] emotions. It was all about modesty, like, kind of just the hallmark topics for women, which aren't bad topics, but statistically, uh, you know, when. We hear that one in at least one in three porn addicts are women like it, you know, that kind of begs the question.

Why are we not addressing this early on? So, and I think there's another study that I saw that said it's like 60 percent of girls in high school are watching porn regularly. So clearly it's a, it's a demographic that's in a lot of. And a lot of need and I was a part of that demographic, but yeah, there just wasn't, there was not any acknowledgement.

And so you do kind of start to have this identity crisis of, I love that you said like you're, you're fully woman. It's like, yeah, but when you're in the midst of it, you're questioning, like I'm struggling with a quote unquote male struggle. So what does that say about my femininity? And that's a whole nother level of the healing.

It's just kind of reintegrating your femininity, re kind of reestablishing it, owning it. And and being confident in it takes a lot of work. Yeah, no, I couldn't agree more. And I love that point about like the asexualness. I never put it in [00:09:00] that word like that makes so much sense. And I think a lot of the struggles I've heard from married couples to almost results in that where the woman almost in many ways becomes asexual.

And I wonder what component like this whole, like you said, purity culture plays and making that a reality within marriage. Any thoughts on that? I know it's kind of a side. No, that's that's hot button. I think you're getting. Something right on the nose there because I encounter a lot of the same thing with sort of our married women is, I think there's just been a lot of ignorance of women's desire, women's experience sexually, whether in marriage or outside of it.

A lot of the ways we teach young people about sex does not reflect the female experience. It reflects the male experience. So we're not acknowledging that. Especially starting out, it can be painful. It can be like very emotional and strange. There can just be a lot of mixed feelings heading into it.

There can be a lot of trauma that both men and women experience that affect the relationship. So I think in marriage, oftentimes, I know in kind of the more religious sphere, we [00:10:00] get sort of this prosperity gospel mindset about it. And just like if we follow this set of ethical rules beforehand, then in marriage, we'll just experience pure bliss.

And you're two broken people bringing... Very broken stories together to form one beautiful but broken story and so I think when I'm what at least on my end when I'm talking with with women who are dealing with sexual addiction and perhaps, um, some stuff within their marriages. Oftentimes they're struggling with sexually addictive behaviors because there's an ignorance or a disregard of their experience happening within their marriage.

There's an ignorance of their desire. They're seen as like, uh, just kind of. I don't want to say subordinate, but but just kind of sexually second, like their, their experience matters less than the male experience. So, um, I don't know if that answers the question, but those are kind of some off the top observations that I have totally.

And I think we, let's stay here for a second because I think this is super, super relevant to anyone. We're scandalizing with this topic. Pope John Paul, the second wrote about this [00:11:00] stuff and love and responsibility. And so just crack that open and you'll, I'm sure we scandalize, but it's so good. I say that like, and just because you.

This is such an important topic because I agree. I've talked with like plenty of couples now married who, yeah, they were kind of sold this idea. Like you really well said that if you, you know, save sex for marriage, sex within marriage is going to be pure bliss, like you said, and that is just not always the case.

And so it's, in fact, I don't know many cases where that is the case right off the bat. It takes time to. Learn how to love essentially. And so, uh, so yeah, I think it's, it's really important that any young people listening right now, especially anyone who's dating or engaged, like when you're approaching, you know, your wedding night, you know, it's not going to be a pure bliss and, you know, Rachel, you already threw out like it, it could hurt and probably will.

And it's not something that is going to be like mind blowing and amazing right away, but in time. Wait, if you work at it and love each other and, you know, communicate well, and it could be really, really beautiful. I remember talking to Chris Stefanik at one point. Um, [00:12:00] he was giving me some advice and he was saying, he's like, Oh yeah, sex in your thirties is like way better than your twenties.

I was like, really dive into that. Yeah, I know. I know. It's like, wow. Okay. Yeah. Cause I, you know, I think, um, I know for me after, you know, struggling with pornography and other unwanted sexual behavior, um, Trying to live a pure life and make that making my life so much better. I did have this like goal of marriage of being like, okay, I'm saving everything for marriage.

And then I think like within marriage, like, like you so well said, there's like this, the expectations, you know, don't match the reality. And then that leads us into this thing of like, man, I just spent so many years of my life kind of preparing for this. Waiting for this, hoping this would be like everything that I imagined and it's not, it's different.

Um, and maybe that's the point it's different. And so I think that's where I found it so helpful. And I try to be that man for other guys is like, if you're someone who's approaching marriage, like talk to. Ideally the same sex partner in a [00:13:00] good marriage that you admire that can give you some like realistic ideas of like what it will be like, I mean, I've done it for all my friends and some of my friends were able to do that for me a little bit, but I wish there was one more there as well.

So I threw out a lot there, but I'm just curious if you have any other advice or thoughts for any young person listening right now, again, who's in the dating scene, who's maybe engaged moving towards marriage and we want to help them avoid maybe what the people we know have been through and perhaps we've been through as well.

Yeah, that's no, I think what you said is so beautiful too. I'm just seeking out the wisdom and community and just, yeah. Cause I think we feel like we can do that in things like conflict or prayer together or something like, you know, I feel like, yeah, when I was engaged, I could reach out to some wives who are maybe 10, 20 years ahead of me and ask for advice.

But when it comes to the topic of sex, we're like hands off, like we don't want to talk about it, which just perpetuates the problem. It's, but it is. It's a place of growth and communication in marriage, just like everything else is, and it's just, yeah, nothing is [00:14:00] 100 percent perfect from day one, I think. I think what I would say is just, like, expect healing.

Like, expect healing. That, like, we're all damaged by an over sexualized, porn saturated culture, and that even if we have been trying our best to live within sexual integrity, like, we're going to be affected by that. So, whatever struggles you're bringing from the past and like, however much healing you've received, just expect more.

And that's a beautiful thing to experience together. It's not something scary. It just deepens the emotional, physical, spiritual union that you entered into in the first place. But, but yeah, just venturing into the conversation doesn't mean scary. It doesn't mean you're going to get hurt. It doesn't mean you're not going to understand each other.

And this is going to be just an awkward, terrible place. It just means there's going to be lots of healing. And don't be afraid of that. I think that's what marriage is for. That's beautiful. And like you said, I think porn and especially movies too, in a lot of ways, which can certainly be pornographic, have just like, so warped our expectations of what sex will actually look like.

We think it's going [00:15:00] to be this like crazy, like explosive thing that takes no effort. It's just like, especially like you were saying for women, like so much porn, not all porn, but so much porn is made for men. And so it's like, we've The men have been conditioned to think, well, all women are like this. And so if I do this, then therefore my wife will be pleased.

It's like, no, no, no, no, that's not how it works. So male centric. Yeah. Yeah. There's so much more. I'm sure we can, can say there any final thoughts before we move on? No, I think what you, yeah, what you just said begs, begs a lot, but we can, yeah, we can move wherever you want. Let's go back in time to when, um, yeah, you were just like really, really wrestling with this.

What were the feelings or emotions that you were going through? Because I think so often when we have these conversations about like freedom and transformation, we skip over this stuff. So like, what was like in your chest? Like, what were you wrestling with in terms of the feelings and the emotions? Yeah.

Thanks for asking. I know for me, again, kind of the, the things that porn kind of [00:16:00] soothed in me were Just feelings of deep awkwardness or shame or discomfort in regards to my, my femininity and my female body because of lines that have been crossed and so ironically, you get some relief from consumption, or I would get some relief from consumption for just a moment.

And then it would end up feeding that feeling even more. It also created just a lot of isolation. And kind of a pattern of dishonesty and a Lemke wrote a great book called dopamine nation. I don't know if you've ever read it, but she talks about how addiction eventually has to be covered in dishonesty because you're so used to covering your tracks with everyone, including yourself about your unwanted behaviors, that it becomes this lying habit where you just kind of end up spiraling.

So I kind of, I surrounded myself with kind of a lot of like lies, a lot of dishonesty for a time. I could just very easily make up a version of the truth that served my needs in the moment, which created a lot of dissociation between like myself and reality. [00:17:00] A lot of the times. So, yeah, it just. I think all of those things, yeah, just kind of created this perfect storm of just keeping me further and further away from God, myself, other people, and yeah, just deep, deep isolation.

No, that totally makes sense. And thanks again for sharing so vulnerably. I know these are like sensitive topics, so I appreciate that. And no, I love what you said. I'll have to check out that book. I think, yeah, just this whole, like... Secrecy this theme of secrecy in our lives when we're struggling with the stuff is just so common and that I think even in itself can be like addictive where we just get so used to the maybe the excitement or the intrigue or whatever we want to say about secrecy.

And so I think that in and of itself can be can be a real a real struggle. But on that note, and feel free to add anything you'd like. I'm just curious what helped you find freedom. Yeah, there's a few different things. I think it was my senior year of high school that I started to kind of finally put the pieces together, admit to myself what I was doing, kind of started to desire some [00:18:00] freedom.

So one day without much Explanation. I just woke up and decided to get rid of my smartphone. I remember going to the Verizon store and standing behind this older woman who was with her daughter looking for a phone. And the older woman said, like, I just want something with buttons and a small screen. I can press the buttons.

And then the guy asked me what I wanted. I was like, whatever she's having, like, I'll just be fine for her is what I want. But that, that put some distance between me and, and just the availability of porn in my life. So, you know, Yeah, just not having a smartphone in my back pocket all the time served me really well.

So that created some longer gaps of sobriety. But there was still all the internal stuff brewing and then I got to college and it was actually a, a guy who began pursuing me that it, it kind of his purity and kind of his intentionality about that process and the process of getting to know him and wanting to enter into a relationship with him [00:19:00] that really convicted me and brought my shame to the surface of just like, I.

I can't have the relationship I want if I'm doing this on the side. And that relationship didn't end up lasting very long, but I'm still so grateful that kind of just his virtue led me to a different place, at least for a time, because I, it wasn't perfect after that either. I, I definitely still fell quite a lot, but I was able to enter like long term recovery a few months after we broke up, which was, um, which was huge for me.

So yeah, just kind of being motivated by this desire for, for a relationship that wasn't consumed by lust or use and, or dishonesty and just one that could be transparent and honest and virtuous and good and uplifting. And then, yeah, personally, it was also things like. Exercise, getting the right amount of sleep, filling my cup with like service of other people with good relationships and friendships and opportunities that [00:20:00] excited me and used my gifts.

And I definitely had to learn how to, how to just express my creativity, express my desire in healthy ways. And that took time, but that was huge for me as well. Beautiful. Yeah. So it's not like a, One and done thing. I think that's important to say, because a lot of people maybe have that perspective when they hear people who kind of had these miraculous recoveries where it's like, Oh, yeah, I just stopped and never looked again.

And it's like, that is very, very rare. If ever, maybe that might even be true, but very rare. And then also, yeah, just this. Reality that we can't just remove it from our life. Like you said before, we need to replace it. We need to find other outlets, other things in our lives that give us life, that give us that dopamine that we're craving or whatever other chemicals we're craving.

So that makes so much sense. And I love that holistic approach. And I think. It's important, and you can talk about this way more than I could, but it's important to have not just the defensive strategies, but also the offensive strategies, because I think so often we kind [00:21:00] of stop with the defensive, like we get an accountability partner, we put, you know, software in our phones or even get rid of the phone.

I mean, those are great. Like, those are good and necessary, but they're not sufficient. Like, they don't end up. And that's what I heard you say. Like, they don't end up bringing you the freedom that you really long for, even if they just work in the short term. Yeah, well said. An instructor I had. once said that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it's intimacy.

And I kind of looking at my own story, I can see how that's incredibly true and also in my work. Now I can see how that's incredibly true. I think we, we can get addicted to, like, finding the answer, right? Like, finding a silver bullet that will take our addiction away that can become an addicting feeling in and of itself.

Just like this will finally be the thing that gets rid of it. Yeah. And yeah, I've never seen no two stories are alike. And even in the work I do now and in the recovery group system that we've kind of created, we have to create a system that welcomes so many different individual stories [00:22:00] and can be supplemented by so many different things or act as a supplement to so many different things.

You just have to make space for people and their stories and you have to make space for yourself and what you need. And there's just no, there's no one thing. I wish there was when that was so easy. But yeah, I, looking back at my own story, I don't give the best advice on like how I recovered because it took so many different things and there were so many different layers and years of, of work and still years of work on covering what happened and, and why.

And I think. Maybe one of the best things you can do is accept that healing is going to be an ongoing process and to welcome that and see it as an adventure rather than a threat. That's kind of a big mindset shift, but just that there's going to be layers to this and there's going to be different avenues you take to reveal those layers.

Yeah, no, that's so good. I think it was John Eldredge who wrote that. Healing, like you said, it's not like a silver bullet. There's not like five steps that everyone can complete. There are some healing principles that we [00:23:00] can follow, of course, but it looks different for everyone. Like the particular application can look different.

And so the way he said it, I remember is like, it's personal. It's like individual to the person and I found that to be so true and another thing too about like kind of reflecting back on your own experience and then giving advice based on that is timing. It's so big. Like I've seen that in my life too.

It's like literally someone could have said the exact same thing to me or offered this solution, you know, five years ago and I would have been like, Nope, I'm not going to do that. I want that. And then, you know, five years later, it's like, I'm totally on board. Like, why would I ever say no? Yeah. So, so I think that's something when we have these conversations, it's important to kind of take that into account.

I know, um, I know that's been the case for me. Yeah, absolutely. I think I had one of the big parts of my kind of entry into recovery was a really big experience of prayer and Eucharistic adoration. And I know that I couldn't have had that experience except like at that very moment, like, [00:24:00] that was the time to surrender to God.

It was like this, this was the moment. I don't know if I could have had it as authentically before or after, and I think trust, like this is another thing that a lot of women ask me is like, what if I don't want to recover and it's like, well, just use St. Augustine's prayer, you know, pray for the, the want to want the desire to want to recover, because if you don't have that desire right now, like the trust that God can create it in you, you know, and that's your first step, but don't be ashamed that that's your first step.

Like he doesn't want, He doesn't want your journey to be inauthentic. He wants it to be incredibly real and there's just no, there's no forcing it and I, I think white knuckling recovery only sends you back into the spiral. It's, it's a form of control. So you have to be patient with yourself. Love that.

Love that. And how honest is that? I love that. Some of them would say that, like, I don't know if I want to quit. That's beautiful all the time. I hear it all the time. [00:25:00] Yeah, that's good. Honesty is like totally inspiring to me because I think, you know, it also shows us that there is something in whatever, you know, addiction or compulsion we have that is providing for some need that we have.

And so when we, you know, think of cutting it off, we probably think of having that need go unmet. And of course we wouldn't want that. Why would anyone want that? And so we do need to find a way to meet that need. And I think people just think that's not possible. And so we're going to get into all of that, um, with the ministry that you run, the awesome ministry that you run.

But before we get there, I'm just curious, like, contrast your life for us. Like, what was it like When you were in the midst of this versus now, and I know it's always a work in progress. We're always growing and healing and all that. But, um, I'm just curious kind of what's life like now compared to then.

Yeah. It's interesting because a few things come to mind. Number one, I mean, you can hear one of the greatest effects of my life in the background right now, my daughter's talking. So that's very different being a mom, being a wife. Yeah, I, it's funny because I talk about this all the time [00:26:00] for work, I have to face my own story daily for work, but at the same time it feels just kind of like a drop of a drop in the ocean of who I am, it doesn't feel like the predominant part of my story.

And so I think that's just, that is really interesting is that like, I, I just feel more myself, I think, than I did when I was addicted. I felt, I felt distant from myself, distant from the Lord and his plan for me. But I still felt like myself. I think it just felt like a shell. So, at times. So I think now it's just like, I just feel more real, which is, is huge.

You know, it's like in, it's like in C. S. Lewis The Great Divorce, how when, you know, the ghosts are treading closer and closer to heaven, the grass beneath their feet becomes Like more real, more dense, more hard. And so they're kind of ghost like feet can't tread upon it without getting hurt. They have to become more [00:27:00] real in response.

So I think part of healing for me has just been like my life becoming more and more real, you know, more and more tangible right in front of me and I have to respond by becoming somebody who can walk in that life. So looking back at. Kind of my season of addiction. Yeah. It just, I can see just a more ghost like version of Rachel, you know, that wasn't quite as real, but she was there.

She was good. She was beautiful. She was loved, but just not quite as real yet. And so I hope, I hope I'm just on more and more of a journey of just becoming more myself. And at the end of my life that that will be, I will be more fully myself, more fully God. Yeah, no, that makes sense. And yeah. I know, um, what, what I see from what you've shared with me is that you've kind of built this structure in your life that, you know, not perfect, but you built a structure in your life that makes the need for pornography in particular, go away and, and, or maybe not go away, but the lessons, the temptation, at least, and I, and I think that's [00:28:00] beautiful.

I think there's a big lesson in that. And I know you help a lot of women. To do exactly that as well. And so I wanted to go there. If you would tell us about Magdala, what do you offer and how does it help women? Yeah, and I like what you said because I I definitely have felt the the need largely disappear It's off.

I mean all of us are neurological like biological beings. So if if porn were presented to me again I don't know what my response would be but I have no desire to seek it out, which is a gift I think yeah magdala I don't know if we talked about this earlier on Because it's been a couple of days, but yeah, um, I took the small group model that we use on our college campus and our recovery group and launched it to kind of a more virtual platform.

So we offer virtual groups for adult women of all ages. We're serving women in 37 countries right now, which is awesome. So we have hundreds and hundreds of participants. It's such a gift. We average 12 inquiries a week for a [00:29:00] group. So 12 women on average come to us each week asking for help, which we are so honored by.

And these are women from all walks of life. We have single women, women who are dating married mothers. We have religious sisters in our community. Like, we have so many beautiful women, uh, just engaging, engaging with us. So, in kind of a closed, confidential, small group, women journey through a 17 session curriculum that we developed just kind of.

Based on our own, the team's experiences of recovery, we had it reviewed by a team of psychologists and clergy and people who were active kind of in addiction and rehab work to kind of ensure that we were theologically accurate, because we're a pastoral resource, but also to ensure that. We're psychologically informed and actually helping women build a strong foundation for recovery.

So in that curriculum and in their small groups, women cover topics like body image dissatisfaction. They cover woundedness, especially from family of origin and [00:30:00] childhood. They cover. Uh, their triggers, lies about their identity that come from addiction and the shame that kind of ensues. Uh, they talk about spiritual warfare, they talk about sexual integrity in their relationships.

There's all sorts of topics that are covered, but just really robust, really fruitful discussions come from it. And each group is led by a woman who is in recovery herself. So women who have received kind of a certain level of stability, so they can then kind of give that out. Uh, to the women in their groups, and we are always, always looking for small group leaders.

So if a woman listening to this is interested, please reach out to us through our website, because we're always looking and we, I think we have two or 200 or so women on our wait list right now to get into a group. So huge need out there. Yeah. And then we produce content to kind of bring women in through just starting the conversation in the public sphere.

So we speak at retreats and events and all sorts of stuff. We're just. Getting the message out there and trying to kind of reverse the course of how we've spoken about [00:31:00] women in this topic. Love that. So good. And yeah, we have a lot of leaders listening as well. And so, yeah, check out Magda, check out, uh, Rachel's talks and bring her in to speak, bring the team in to speak, and maybe you Yeah, no, yeah, seriously, this is so so needed.

And so I just want to encourage everyone if that wasn't clear to like, take action on this and reach out and at least learn more about it. The I'm curious a little bit more about the groups because I can hear some people maybe asking one to ask more questions. So it's like, in terms of how they work, are they always virtual?

Or can they be in person? https: otter. ai What does that look like? And how long is a typical session? It sounds like you meet weekly. Is that right? They meet at least twice a month. So some leaders prefer to do twice a month. Some of our leaders do weekly. The curriculum in total takes about 10 months to journey through as a group.

And each session is about an hour or two. We tell leaders to set aside 90 minutes. So that's kind of our advice. But Yeah, they pray together. They enter into discussion together. [00:32:00] We are Catholic in founding and kind of Catholic in ethics, but we have women from all religious traditions joining us, which is awesome.

Uh, some women with no religious tradition at all, uh, but just are focused on, on freedom and what sexual integrity can bring to their lives. They're not always virtual. We have. Chiefly virtual resources so that we can continue that international outreach, but we do partner with college campuses to help them facilitate groups in person.

I think we have 12 college campuses heading into the school year because we just launched that last year. And then we also partner with, with churches to help them facilitate groups as well. So we'll onboard and train the leaders and mentor them on campuses and parishes. And yeah, and just kind of walk alongside them as they, as they lead.

So good. Love that. And if someone listening right now is like, okay, I'm not going to listen to the rest of the interview. I just want to go sign up. How do they do that? Do they, I assume just go to the website, but I'm curious of the process from like, start to finish. If someone's like afraid, especially like, I don't know what this is [00:33:00] going to be like.

Yeah, so you go to magdalenministries. org and then at the top of our website there's a little tab that says join. There's many, many buttons that say join a group all over the website, so if you can't see it you will run into one if you poke around the website. And under the join tab you just kind of select which one you're interested in.

Are you interested in a virtual group? Are you interested in bringing Magdalen to your campus or parish or your church? And you just kind of click on the tab, you send in a little bit of info to us. If you're scared, please tell us because we hear that all the time. Many women just send in messages saying, like, I don't know if I'm ready.

I need to know. No, I need to know more before I join. We send out tons of information to you. Um, so that you know what you're getting yourself into before you sign up for a group. You have plenty of time to decide. There's no rush and all of your submissions stay confidential to just our our leadership team of four.

So nobody will see your story and what you submit but us. And we take that whole list to, to prayer. So every woman who submits to us is in our prayers. And even if that's all you [00:34:00] need right now, we would love to be praying for you. So feel free to submit. And then if you're interested in being a group leader.

You go to the join a virtual group tab as well and then can submit that you're interested in being a leader. It's a little box you can check. Thanks for making it so clear. And yeah, there's so much fear that holds people back from doing this stuff. So I think that's really helpful to see how simple it is.

And, um, yeah, and just the fact, I mean, hopefully by this point in the conversation, everyone knows like how just compassionate, empathetic you are. Like it, it just bleeds off of you, by the way, which is beautiful. That honors me a lot. Yeah. And so I think like, that's going to be your experience of Magdala.

You're not going to go to Magdala and you're not going to go to Magdala and be judged or shamed for your struggle. It's like, no, no, no. They just want to love you through it. And it'd be there in the midst of the mess with you. So love that. I am curious about, you know, stories of transformation, um, of the women do that.

So yeah. What, what kind of successes have you seen? Uh, what successes have the women in your groups experience? Thanks for asking. Yeah. These are. These are the things that kind of keep [00:35:00] us going. One of the biggest. Kind of victories that we've been seeing lately because we started in 2021 and spring of 2021.

So about two and a half years old is in the past year. We've seen this turnover of women who are group participants entering recovery and then becoming small group leaders. So we're really starting to see traction there of women who receive from our community and then want to give back, which wasn't a part of it at, you know, in the first year, it was largely recruited small group moderators.

And we still do some recruitment, some women who have recovered through other means and, and want to give. But a lot of our leaders are our past participants, which is huge for us. So there's a couple that, you know, are just absolute rock stars. One, one moderator is really good about sending us kind of glory stories.

She calls them every few months. She'll just, she'll send us the leadership team an email with some stories. And she said two girls in her group recently were. They were both dating and, uh, [00:36:00] we're both struggling with, I think both pornography and masturbation and had put off their engagements until they entered a stable recovery for about six months.

And she emailed saying both of them got engaged this summer and were able to enter into kind of preparing for their vocation, which was awesome. So that was huge. Another kind of angle that we've gotten into recently, that's Kind of a story of transformation is we have women who are trying to leave the porn production industry.

So they reach out to us for help as well. Those are some of my favorite conversations to have with women. I just think, I think these women are beautiful and I just love talking to them and their courage just absolutely stuns me. I'm just in awe of their, their courage to reach out and to leave. An industry that's made them very comfortable and provided for them.

And sometimes the only type of work they've ever known. And so they're just incredible women. So we get to have those conversations as well, which has been huge, but yeah, there's like endless stories. We just, we, uh, we love our community. I think. We're just [00:37:00] surrounded by incredibly stunning women inside and out.

So I feel very blessed. Love it. I love all those stories. And especially that you guys are, you know, helping those women who are stuck in the porn industry. And like you said, making maybe a lot of money off of it. And it's such a scary thing to take that jump. So that that's so beautiful. In the remaining time we had left, I just want to get your advice on a few things for all of us listening.

One is, I'm curious, like, what does freedom from sexual brokenness, from unwanted sexual behavior in particular, actually look like? Because I know we kind of throw that around a lot. And we touched on this a little bit before, like, it's not a silver bullet, not a one and done thing. But I'm curious, like, let's define that a bit.

Like, what does freedom actually look like? This is a conversation that we have internally as well. Because I talk to a lot of women who perhaps are sober or, you know, even a few years in, and they just ask, like, will it ever, will it ever be easy? Like, will I ever not have this constant tension and difficulty with myself and difficulty with temptation?

I think the [00:38:00] answers are resounding yes. I don't think temptation is ever going to go away because we're simple people and living in a fallen world. And so I think that the temptation, even if it changes, it's still going to exist. But I think there's an absolute resounding yes to you can be free from this tension you feel between this old answer that you used to give yourself to this new life of, like, kind of just looking on your sexuality as a whole with blessing.

I'd say that's kind of where the past few years have taken me is. With the help of some mentors and also just a really incredible therapist, I was able to dive into my story and look at those, those experiences that led me to pornography in the first place and just love that little girl, bless her and carry her forward.

Just be like, you, you're good, but you're not, you're not driving the car anymore. Now adult Rachel is, and, and here's what she's learned. So [00:39:00] I think sometimes a little kid in us is still. Raging a little bit, and that can cause the tension and inhibit our freedom. And so you kind of have to dive into some really hard parts of your story that you feel may not be related to your current struggle, but usually they are.

And yeah, so I think, I think the people that I talked to who. Are still feeling a little afraid that they're never going to find freedom. Maybe there's just a part of your heart that you're ignoring that just wants to be met where it is, whether that's something from your childhood, something from your adolescence, or just a place of neglect in your life right now.

I think there's just. You have to engage with your whole heart in order to be free. And it's not just freedom from, it's also freedom for as Fulton sheen put it. So, um, focusing on what are you free to do now, not just what are you free from and kind of cast your gaze forward rather than backward. That helps too.

Love that. So good. And yeah, I think there's probably so many different measures of freedom in, in someone's life, whether it's men or women. I know we're talking about women in particular here, but yeah, [00:40:00] there's obviously the self-mastery component where it's like, if faced with that temptation. You wouldn't say yes, you would say no, that's beautiful.

But that's not the only measure. You know, I think like you've experienced, even the temptation leaving itself is really a beautiful measure of freedom. But also, like you said, like the offensive or the proactive component of like, yeah, you have these different needs. There's different parts of yourself that need to be attended to, whether they're broken or just something that Like you said, physiological, like you need to be working out, like you need your body needs to feel like the endorphins, like all that good stuff.

So I think there's like so many angles to this and it can't be simplified necessarily. So that I think that's really important. But no, I just love that. Uh, that that message again and again. I hope everyone has heard that theme that this is possible. It is possible to break free. And yes, I think we're like you said as humans, we're always going to feel like we're sexual beings.

We're always going to be able to at any point. To feel a temptation to do something wrong [00:41:00] sexually, but we can grow as people and kind of put that into rear view mirror as well. And so I think that's such a hopeful message. Yeah. I hope so. I think also like making sure that your recovery is your own, you know, I think we can have models of inspiration and of hope, but even those models are still in recovery and still healing, you know, it's a lifelong thing.

So I think just. Yeah, maybe sitting intentionally with yourself, with God, asking the right questions of, you know, what do you want for me and, and who am I and letting that be what drives you forward, not this picture that you have of somebody else in the life they're living now. Like, I have a lot of people mistakenly credit the fact that I'm recovered with my marriage and saying those.

You know, that I'm, oh, you're fine now because you got married and it's like, well, no, you don't, you didn't see like the three, four years of really intense work before I even met my husband and that that was the foundation of [00:42:00] my long term recovery was long before I even met him. So I think sometimes we can idolize a state in life.

We can idolize a person can idolize a life experience, whatever it may be, and be like, and set that up kind of as this. this ideal and I think real freedom comes when you recover as only you can and when you heal as only you can and for everybody that's going to look different, you know, yeah, no, I love that.

That's so good. And yeah, I love that lesson too of what you just said that, you know, marriage is not like the fulfillment of porn or, you know, something like that. That's such a faulty idea that I think is really popular that, Oh, well, once I have that, I won't need the porn. I won't need the masturbation.

It's like, no, no, no, it's that's. It's actually going to infect your marriage and cause a lot of issues there as well. So I, I'm really grateful for that. And I think, uh, one of the things I remember one of my professors, uh, at Franciscan talking about is that, you know, you know, you've integrated a virtue into your character.

If you can. Do that virtue, perform that habit, whatever, with ease, promptness [00:43:00] and joy, ease, promptness and joy. And so, um, if you're not there yet, to everyone listening, that's okay. Like that's the work. That's what we need to do. But once you get to that point, um, and again, that's just one component. Like there's maybe the sexual struggle.

We want to have mastery over that, but there's something so much deeper, like you're saying of like the healing of the whole person and being able to thrive in life, not just say no to porn. That's just a small part of it. So, but I love that framework of ease, promptness and joy. It's kind of a. A measurement of how we're doing with maybe that particular virtue that there is so much more to say there.

Yeah. I love that. Wow. I haven't heard it simplified that much, but yeah. I mean, I think it's Aristotle who talks about like virtuous. Yeah. Virtue is when it's It's done with ease and not when you have to wrestle with sort of the enemy in yourself or the outside enemy in order to be virtuous. It's when it's done with ease.

So I like the ease, promptness and joy though. That's, that's a, that's a good cap. No, for sure. I wish I could take credit for that, but I can't smart professor. Along these [00:44:00] lines, I think it's so common, right, to be on this path of recovery and then have a relapse. And so if someone has a relapse, how would you advise that they respond to that?

Well, I think relapse is a normal part of recovery too, which I think people wish it wasn't, but a relapse was absolutely a part of my story. I think respond with curiosity, which is a weird answer, but instead of immediately condemning yourself. Respond with, you know, why did that happen? Like, it's a moment to examine your triggers and examine your places of growth and what you've learned, but then also places where you clearly need to be putting in more effort.

I think it was Henry now and who. Wrote this great kind of passage about how he was talking about, he may have been talking about relapse in addiction, but he's also talking about just when you fall into a habitual sin that you thought you had gotten out of. But, um, when you're driving a car on a road, he was like, when you run off the road, you don't get back on at the beginning of the road.

You get back on where you, where you [00:45:00] drove off and it's kind of the same with relapse of, um, you're not at the beginning of the road again. The shame is going to tell you that you are, the shame is going to feel like you are. But you get back on where you left off everything you've gained you've you've gained and that hasn't left you so take those tools that you have now enter into curiosity about why you relapse repent, you know, go through, um, what you need to go through to to make yourself right with with God and yourself and other people.

Absolutely. But but be curious about what led you there and it can be relapses. Devastating but can be a an incredible learning experience that bolsters your your growth and your recovery long term love that I think that yeah, like you're saying there's so much to be learned in the relapse I a priest once told me that Augustine said that less is the sin of the proud Less is the son of the proud which I think is so true for so many reasons maybe more that we can even get into in this show, but [00:46:00] one of I think the Antidotes to lust is not just purity, but humility.

And what is more humbling than relapsing? Yeah, so true. So it's like, there's, I think there's a bigger lesson to be learned than just like, okay, I slipped up there, or maybe even, you really slipped up, you like, you made big mistakes, it's like, okay, get back on the track, get back on the track, get back on the track, like, the temptation in that moment is to become very discouraged and just to walk away.

And to be like, I'm done. I'm done. And, and at that point, the winning is staying in the game. Winning is staying in the game. And, uh, and I think like we need to hear that all of us again and again, again, in multiple areas of our life, but especially in this area. Yeah, absolutely. It's like, um, what is it? You hear all the fitness instructors talking about how, like, if you miss a workout, just get back in the gym the next day, even if it's for 10 minutes.

Like, it doesn't matter. Like, just get back in because it's about consistency over performance. And it's the same with, with recovery. I think consistency over performance, you know, a B plus day or a B minus day is better than one a plus day every once in a while, [00:47:00] you know? So no, I love that. I, I know, um, uh, the gym that I've been going to recently, one of the things that they say along those notes is like, just keep moving, just keep moving.

It's like, you don't need to be lifting a crazy amount of weight. You don't need to do like a crazy amount of reps, but like, keep moving. And, uh, and for me, that's been kind of like, okay, I don't need to be the best. I don't need to be like shocking everyone with how fit I am. I just need to keep moving and stay humble.

And, and that like there's. Yeah, show up and then that like you if you keep doing that you will get to where you want to go eventually It might take longer than you think there might be a few extra detours along the way But in my experience like you will get to where you need to be. Absolutely To to the woman listening right now who feels just stuck who's thinking like I know I need help But I just don't want to deal with this right now.

What would you say? Mmm, I see you first of all, I feel you second That's exactly why, like, I show up to [00:48:00] work every day. That's why my team shows up to work is to create community for you. You know, you are the woman that we have in our mind that we're, we're striving to welcome. So you're the reason I show up to my desk every day.

So just don't leave me hanging, you know, like come join us. Yeah, just that we've truly seen and heard it all, and so has God, so even, yeah, even if you feel stuck or just don't want to deal with it, if you just show up, if you just take one step, that's enough. You give him an inch, he'll go a mile, so give an inch.

And also, like, I know I can speak for myself and my entire team. Like, Your story is the source of our joy at work, hearing, hearing stories of like incredible, devastating darkness transformed into glory. That's that is our joy. So we'd be honored if you give us the chance to see that happen in your life to together.

feeling stuck is one of the , one of the worst. But again, just step one is, uh, step one's, all it takes. [00:49:00] And, uh, and you're not committing to like a life sentence or anything, . No. By doing that, it's like there, you know, for some reason you need to take a breather, a break, uh, you know, that's always an option.

And so I think that's a good thing, um, to, to have in the back of your mind to kind of combat that fear. Absolutely. Yeah, that before we close down here, I'm curious about your book. Tell us about it, like what's in it and where can we buy it? Yeah. So it's called love and recovery, uh, through Ave Maria press.

They reached out to me a couple of years ago, just asking if I wanted to kind of write my story down and maybe the things I was learning is our, you know, the leader of our organization and just about women's stories. So that's what I did. I tried to compile. Kind of using my own story to craft the narrative, but I tried to compile all of the, the best things that we've been learning about what a woman's journey through sexual addiction recovery looks like.

So yeah, I, I think I put an interesting spin on a couple of things. Uh, there's lots of quoting of C. S. Lewis. So if you don't like him, you probably won't like me. Uh, but. Yeah. [00:50:00] So, um, it can be found through Ave Maria Press or, uh, just kind of any major book retailer. But I wrote specifically for women, obviously, but also to serve psychologists, men who are trying to understand the women in their lives, trying to put something in there for everyone.

So good. Love that. Thanks so much for, for writing that. And again, your vulnerability is admirable. And again, it's going to help so many people, as I know you've already seen, but again, uh, Rachel, how can people find you and Magdala online? Yeah, so I don't have any social media accounts, so you can't find me too much, except through uh, Magdala, and then I have a subset called the Contrarian, uh, so you can follow some of my writing if you want to keep up there.

But Magdala is where you're going to find all of the resources that you could be looking for, and that's magdalaministries. org. Blog is on there. Our podcast is on there. It's also on Apple and Spotify and YouTube. And yeah, and then the opportunities to join a group are also there. And then anybody who's interested in supporting us through group leadership, through financial support, you can also find the links on there.

Sweet. Love that. Since this [00:51:00] is a podcast audience quickly, I just wanted to ask what's your podcast like focus around? I imagine it's maybe stories of recovery and advice or what do you guys cover on there? Oh gosh. Um, kind of whatever I'm feeling like. I don't know if you relate to that, but I just, yeah, I kind of wing it.

Yeah, we've covered, uh, everything we have. One of our most popular episodes is on relapse, actually, uh, relapse to spiritual warfare to just kind of prayer and recovery, kind of the Catholic angle of like confession. We talk about that a lot. We talk about fertility cycles and, and health, um, women's health in relation to addiction.

I had a great episode with, um, Jay Stringer talking about sexual brokenness and healing. He's amazing. Yeah, she's kind of all over the place, but. It's just so many different elements of what a woman's recovery looks like. We had a series that my husband and I did on, uh, technology and media and its role in recovery and kind of making sure that technology's presence in your life is fruitful and meaningful and not destructive.

So yeah, kind of everything under the sun. Yeah. [00:52:00] Love it. No, all super relevant to, to this audience. And so thank you so much for being here again, Rachel. Um, we'll put all those links in the show notes guys, so you don't need to remember. Um, but Rachel, I want to give you the final word in closing out. What encouragement would you give to every woman listening right now who's struggling with unwanted sexual behavior?

I would say, I can't wait to see what God does with your passion. Cause that's, what's at the bottom of this. And I've just, I've never heard a woman's story where. Lust is attacking somebody apathetic or boring. It's always attacking the ones who are going to do great things. So yeah, whenever a woman tells me that this is part of her story, I just...

I get excited for what God's going to do. I get excited for what he's, he's going to do with that desire. Once lost has been killed, as C. S. Lewis would put it.

Such a great conversation. I'm such a big fan of Rachel's and of her team at Magdala. And so make sure to make use [00:53:00] of their resources. See the show notes for her book and for other resources that we mentioned as well. And if you or a woman struggling in your life are dealing with unwanted sexual behavior, share this episode with them.

There's so much hope. And so if you're that person who needs help. Please reach out. They're waiting to help you. They want to help you. Act now. As you likely know, so often at the root of sexual compulsion or brokenness is trauma. But before you can heal it, you have to first understand it. Our free mini course on trauma titled, Why You Feel Broken, consists of five short videos by a trauma therapist that answers the questions, What is trauma?

What impact does it have on your body? How does it affect your emotions? What does it do to your mind? And how does it affect your relationships? Again, once you understand what trauma is and how it's affecting you today, then you can begin to heal and build the life that you long for. To get the free course, it's super easy.

Just go to restoredministry. com slash broken, sign up for free and begin watching the mini [00:54:00] course. Again, that's restoredministry. com slash broken, or just click on the link in the show notes. That wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them.

Seriously, just take 30 seconds right now to message them. And in closing, always remember, you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life. And keep in mind the words of C. S. Lewis who said, You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

I Had to Learn to Protect My Peace and My Sanity

4 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous woman at 22 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 11. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

My parents got divorced after many close calls and after years of an unstable and unhealthy marriage. My dad has a side of him that can be mean, controlling, and verbally and emotionally abusive. He had controlling ways that he viewed as showing love. He has a side of him that can be just beyond nice and kind and selfless, but on the other hand, he has a side of him that can be ruthlessly mean to the point of abuse. I have had to distance myself from him and my relationship with him is strained and complicated, but he still reaches out to me as if nothing has ever happened. A therapist described it as that he has two mirrors in which he sees himself as a good dad and the other where he sees himself as the victim of the woman he has been married to. Previously, he and I had been close up until shortly before my nineteenth birthday when I had to leave from living with him. Things have been complicated since then and still are to this day. I have had to learn to set limits and boundaries in my interactions with him, as painful as it is- to protect my peace and my sanity. This is where things currently are as he has now moved away to Mexico, his home country, since the beginning of this year.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

It left a bad taste in my mouth about marriage, especially after I ended up learning the details behind their unhealthy marriage, close calls to divorce, and how both of them vented their feelings towards each other to me. Soon after the official separation, my mom got together with another man when I was about twelve, and they got married when I was thirteen. My relationship with her changed a lot around these times, too. She and I had many emotional arguments and fights around her new relationship. This too made me tell myself that I would never get married. Marriage has been a sore matter for me for so long due to my parent's unhealthy marriage and divorce and due to my mother's remarriage. My stepdad and I ended up not getting along. Many yelling episodes over the years, misunderstandings, us triggering each other, and it continued until we finally had to set boundaries. He and I don't see each other much anymore. My mom made that call. Now, I am trying to work on my healing from the soreness and resentment of the matter that marriage was for me for years.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her

As a teenager, there were many conflicts between them about me. At sixteen and seventeen, I fell into a depression. Mom wanted me on antidepressants, Dad was against it. Mom wanted us to move, Dad did not. My mom vented her anger towards him to me, my dad did the same with his anger towards my mom. Mom wanted me to live with her. Dad wanted me with him. Both gave me reasons opposing the other. This made my adolescent years a living hell. I experienced strong emotions of mere anger and mere sorrow that resulted in many nights of loud and intense crying and screaming at the top of my lungs. My parents didn't know what to do. I was never actually suicidal, but there were times when I was seventeen where I said I wanted to kill myself. I never truly did and I never attempted, but my mom took me to behavioral health on a few occasions. It hurts so much to relive this, but I am sharing my story to heal for myself and my prayer is that it makes someone feel less alone.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

- It is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault.

- You are not responsible for your parents getting along.

- You are not doomed to repeat this cycle of unhealthy marriage and divorce.

- To a child, one day, you will grow up. You will realize that this is behind you and you will be able to gain perspective. You will be able to find healing so that you can feel whole and happy and hopeful again. Your parent’s divorce does not have to define your life, your future or how successful you can be. You will be able to choose for yourself.

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I Am Worthy of No Longer Being Abused

3 minute read.

This story was written by an anonymous woman at 24 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 3 or 4. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

My parents met in college, got married, built a house together, worked ambitiously at their careers, and had me. By the time I was 3 years old, my mom was unfaithful to my dad, who was already involved with my would-be step-mom to some extent.

Throughout my childhood, I repressed my emotions and was hyper-vigilant around my stepmom in fear of her verbal and psychological abuse. Even before my dad married my step-mom, she began a denigration campaign toward me about my mom which caused me to doubt my perception of my mom’s goodness and trustworthiness. This lasted for over a decade and I eventually caved into an ultimatum that my step-mom gave me which caused me to stop living with my mom altogether — an unexpected, traumatic, and confusing chapter in my life story. My stepmom’s many tactics of erasing my mom from my life while simultaneously claiming that she supported my relationship with my mom was mentally damaging and effective. Years later, I have a healed relationship with my mom.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

When I was 3 or 4 years old, my dad sat me down to tell me that he and my mom were no longer going to live together. I simply responded, “Forever?” Being so young when they divorced, I do not remember how I coped with suddenly having to split my time — and my affections — between my parents.

The immense stress of witnessing conflict between my parents, as well as my step-mom’s abusive and incredibly controlling behavior, caused me to feel anxiety much more deeply than the divorce itself.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her

The chronic anxiety that I experienced as the only child from my parents’ divorce led me to experience irregular menstrual cycles, an eating disorder, muscle tension, chronic stomachaches, and perpetual feelings of despair and unworthiness. I coped through staying busy and being high-achieving in academics, ministry, and sports, internalizing others’ emotions and having a strong sense of false guilt. I wanted to prove that I was not as burdensome as court dates, hostile emails, and confusing narratives made me feel.

In college, I hit a breaking point and shared with my dad and step-mom the deep pain that I had been carrying for most of my life. They reacted very defensively, and this led to another unexpected chapter of my life story: my estrangement from my dad, step-mom, and half-siblings, which continues to this day. It has been very difficult for me to trust that my identity lies outside of my dad and step-mom’s love and acceptance; that I am worthy of no longer being abused; and that God loves me even after having set boundaries that have allowed me to heal. I am a wife and mom today, and I believe that I owe my healing not only to myself but also my husband and sons — even if my dad cannot recognize, will not validate, and would not stop the abuse, himself. It is heartbreaking that my dad cannot healthily be a part of my adult life and see my family grow, but I cannot imagine who I would be today if the abuse that he enabled was still a part of my everyday life.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

Pray for God to bring a godly couple into your life who can be a helpful example to you in how to live out the vocations of spouse and (biological and/or spiritual) parent well. Breaking bread with a couple and their children in the warmth of their loving home has been profoundly healing for me — their laughter, hospitality, ways of handling conflict, etc. have left imprints on my heart and mind forever. It’s one thing to read or hear about imperfectly healthy families, and it’s another thing to live shoulder-to-shoulder with them. Do not just pray for this, but seek it out.

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#104: Healing Sexual Brokenness: Why is Our Culture So Sexually Broken? | Christopher West

Our world is very sexually broken. The examples are endless: Pornography use, sexual compulsions, addictions, hookup culture, paying for sex, infidelity, sex trafficking, and much more.

But how did our world become so sexually broken? 

That’s the topic we tackle today with famous author and speaker Christopher West. If you’ve wrestled with sexual brokenness or noticed an ache inside that you that nothing seems to fill, this episode is for you.

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It's no secret that a world is very sexually broken. I mean, we can think of pornography, sexual compulsions, addictions, hook up culture, paying for sex, infidelity, sex trafficking so much more. But how did we get here? How did our world become so sexually broken? That's a topic we tackle today with famous author and speaker Christopher West. And so if you've wrestled with sexual Brokenness or wondered how our culture became so sexually broken. Keep listening. Welcome to the restored podcast. Helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents', divorce, separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again, I'm your host, Joey Panelli. This is episode 104. This episode is also part five of our series called Healing Sexual Brokenness. So, on this show, we feature stories and expert interviews about how to heal from the trauma of your parents', divorce and broken family or how to navigate the pain and the problems that stem from it. And one of the biggest problems that often stems from your family breakdown is unwanted sexual behavior. Like the things I mentioned at the start of the show, pornography, masturbation, hookup culture, paying for sex infidelity and so much more. In fact, one expert found that almost 90% of those who struggle with sexual addiction come from a broken family. And so in this series, you'll get tactics and resources to overcome unwanted sexual behavior so you can find freedom and trigger warning. This is obviously a mature topic. So we recommend putting in earphones or at least not listening around Children with that. My guest today is Christopher West West is the author of more than a dozen books, including Word Made Flesh, Theology of the Body Explained Theology of the Body for beginners and good news about sex and marriage. His work has been featured in the New York Times on ABC news, MS NBC and Fox News and on countless Catholic and evangelical media platforms. His global lecturing best selling books, multiple audio and video programs and popular podcasts. Co-hosted by his wife Wendy have made him into one of the world's most recognized teachers of Saint John Paul, the second theology of the Body. He is the president of the theology of the Body Institute, but of all his titles and roles. He is most proud to call himself a devoted husband and father. Now, in this episode, we talk about God and faith and if you don't believe in God, you're totally welcome here. Anyone listening for a while knows that this is not a strictly religious podcast. So wherever you're at, I'm glad you're here. And if you don't believe in God. My challenge for you. Is this just listen with an open mind, even if you were to skip or take out the God parts, you're still going to benefit from this episode. Also, if you're listening on audio and you want to see the images that Christopher references, just go ahead and click on the links in the show notes. And now here's my conversation with Christopher West Christopher. Welcome to the show. It's so great to have you here. Thank you, Joe. It's a pleasure to be with you and your audience. We're honored. There's so much sexual Brokenness in our world. I think everyone listening would agree. I mean, the examples are endless. We have pornography, sexual compulsion, addiction, hookup, culture, paying for sex, infidelity, sex trafficking, and so much more. I think we all desire better, but so many people feel stuck, they feel alone and they feel hopeless. But before we get to the remedy, I think it's helpful to go back in time. How in the world did we get here? We got here by misdirected desire. I think one of the most fundamental and important principles of a proper theological understanding of the world is, is this that the devil doesn't have his own clay? Uh What does that mean? It means the only clay that exists is God's clay, right? And God looked at the clay that he created and said, behold, it is very good. I I do this visual often with my, my audience is I'll take a piece of paper which hang on a sec. Uh Here I actually have, I'll take a piece of paper like this. And I'll say, I, I want you to imagine this is the most beautiful painting you've ever seen in your life. And I say, what is it? What's the most beautiful thing that, that there is? And I say this is man and woman just as God created us to be naked without shame. There's nothing more beautiful in the universe than this painting. Male and female. He created them. He blessed them and he said, be fruitful and multiply. They were naked without shame. That whole mystery of human sexuality and the call of the two to become one flesh so that life might come into the world. This is the most beautiful painting there is uh but there's an enemy who hates this painting and he hates this painting because this painting reveals the heavenly mystery of who God is. God himself is not sexual, but God himself is an eternal exchange of life, giving love, right? Uh A communion of three persons. And in the normal course of events, the union of the two man and woman leads to a third. And so we have a, we have an image here, a bodily representation or representation of the life-giving exchange of beauty itself, of, of the divine. And that's why the enemy hates this painting and his goal from the beginning was this. And this is exactly what has happened to this mystery of human sexuality in a fallen world. It gets all twisted up and, and this is what this is the classic mistake of spiritual people. And, and all of this is an answer to your question, Joey. But all of this has to be laid out to understand how we got in this mess, right? The typical response of spiritual people. And I put that in quotes because this is false spirituality, a false spirituality thinks you have to live a spiritual life ruptured from the body. And it's just not authentic spirituality. It is certainly not Christian spirituality but falsely spiritual people look at this crumpled up painting and, and what does it appear to be? It, it looks like trash, right? So spiritual people will say that's bad, throw it away and, and this is what you would call a puritanical approach to human sexuality. Spirit, good body, bad. Well, I find this fascinating in, in 1953 Hugh Hefner starts Playboy Magazine and this is what he said in 1953 he said I started Playboy Magazine as my personal response to the hurt and hypocrisy of puritanism in my strict Christian upbringing. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. So Hugh Hefner in 1953 pulls this crumpled painting out of the trash and says to the modern world, hey, people, you shouldn't throw this away and guess what Hugh Hefner was right on this point. He was right that we shouldn't throw this away. But where did he get it wrong and wrong with horrific consequences, all of which you named and were living through and we still are reaping the horrors of Hugh Hefner's mistake. Now we can't pin it all on Hugh Hefner. But I turned to him as, as kind of one of the main architects of the, of the sexual revolution and and more aptly, it's a pornographic revolution, right? I don't want to surrender the word, surrender the word sexual to the enemy. Sexual sexuality is a good word. Remember the enemy doesn't have his own clay, right? God created sexuality. He created us male and female. And he called the two to be fruitful and multiply. Sexuality is a wholly sacred reality. It's gotten all twisted up. Hugh Hefner's mistake was that, that he left the paper, the painting in its crumpled up form and he started reveling in the crumpled up version of the story, right? And he started saying to the modern world, don't you want to look at this? Don't you want some of this? And because most of the culture was puritanical in its approach to sexuality, when Hugh Hefner started saying, hey, you can have this. We jumped in, we we dove head first into this crumpled up version of the story. Here's another metaphor I use, right? We all have this hunger. We all have this yearning, this, this, this desire for love, for union, for affirmation, for beauty, for goodness and the proper name for that longing. The church herself uses this language borrowed from the Greeks. The proper name for that longing is, is eros. We all have this erotic longing for, for, for love, for union, for beauty. But here's the problem. Most of us grow up when it comes to that fundamental hunger. And I, I count myself on this list. Uh Most of us grow up with what I call the starvation diet Gospel, which is basically your hunger is bad. You need to repress all that. But follow all these rules and you'll be a good upstanding Christian citizen. Again, that's a puritanical approach, right? This is not authentic Christianity, authentic Christianity. I learned uh in my twenties, I'm now in my fifties. So this was 30 years ago, I learned from Saint John Paul. The second that Christianity is not a starvation diet. Christianity is an invitation to a wedding feast, a banquet of life giving love. But if you don't know about that, if you think Christianity calls you to starve erotic longing, then you're gonna become a quick convert. As I did in my teenage years, I became a quick convert to what I call the fast food gospel. And the fast food Gospel is the secular culture's promise of immediate gratification for that hunger. And that's what this crumpled up painting is. This is the fast food approach. Hugh Hefner started saying to the modern world, don't you want some of this? Look at these greasy chicken nuggets, you know you're hungry. Come over here, I'll give you what you want. And yeah, don't lie to me. The chicken nuggets taste good going down, especially when you've lived that starvation approach to things. But if that becomes your steady diet, fast food, eventually the grease and the sodium is going to catch up with you, right? And that's a picture of me in my college years, the grease and the sodium caught up with me, so to speak. And I was sick inside and it put me on my knees saying God in heaven, if you exist, you better show me why you gave me all these desires because they're getting me and everybody I know into a hell of a lot of trouble. Do you have a plan? What is your plan for sexual desire? And long story short that put me on a journey that led me to discover Pope John Paul, the second's theology of the body and, and Joey, I find this fascinating. This is all looping around to answer your question, how we got in this mess we got in this mess because we thought the only two choices were starvation or fast food. That's how we got in this mess. And if those are the only two choices, the chicken nuggets are much more appealing than the starvation approach. But here's what I discovered from John Paul the second, as I've already said, Christianity is an invitation to a wedding feast. And I find this absolutely fascinating. Right. At the same time, Hugh Hefner pulled this out of the trash can, this crumpled up paper painting and, and started saying to the modern world, hey, don't you want some of this? This is what you're looking for. Right. At the same time, a young Polish priest named Carol Voila who would many years later become Pope John Paul the second, who would many years after that become Saint John Paul the second. At the very same time, Hugh Hefner pulled this out of the trash can. He also did, he was responding to the puritanical error in the modern world and he pulled this out of the trash can and said to the modern world, you mustn't throw this away. But he did something Hugh Hefner didn't do by reflecting on God's original plan when they were naked without shame. And by reflecting on how the paper got crumpled up in the first place. And more importantly, how Christ came into the world. A a male born of a female, precisely to redeem masculinity and femininity. This young Polish Saints started un crumpling the painting for us so that we could rediscover the original beautiful, wonderful plan of God for making us male and female naked without shame. This is the true sexual revolution. It's the un crumpling of the painting. It's not reveling in the crumpled up version of things like the pornographic revolution, the true revolution, we could call a redemption of the body, a redemption of sexuality. That's the path of Christianity, not repression, redemption. How did we get in this mess? Because we confuse the fast food for the banquet, right? We are hungry. God created us with this hunger and starvation is not gonna cut it. There must be something else. There must be another way, there must be another place to take the hunger. And Christ says, come to me, all you who are hungry, come to me, all you who are thirsty. I will redirect your arrows towards the wedding feast. That's the true path to sexual wholeness. That's the true path to sexual fulfillment. That's the true path to human fulfillment. But when we don't know that true path we fall for when we don't know the banquet, we fall for the fast food. And that's why we're in the mess we're in. Wow, beautiful, incredible. And I think it's so helpful to have that historical foundation. And I remember just at different points in my life when struggling with, you know, pornography and just feeling that emptiness that you described that just getting so sick, feeling like can any good come out of sexuality? Like I truly wrestled with that question because I looked around and saw I'm like, man, this is just so broken and that's the danger, right? There when we indulge in this twisted crumpled up version of the story and we start to feel sick because we've done. So the danger is once again, what do we think this is evil in itself? And we think how can any good come from this? And we throw it away? And that's why I go back. I said the fundamental principle in all of this is the devil doesn't have his own clay. There's nothing that is evil in itself, right? Evil is always the twisting, the distortion of something good and true spirituality. True faith is, is never to throw the evil away. It's to let God come into that evil, to redeem it, to untwist it to restore us redemption. The very word redemption means AAA restoration, right? A restoration of an original good. And when we don't understand, there is a redemption to be had we see the good twisted up and we just think it's evil and we, we toss it away. That's how we got in the mess we're in. Wow. Wow. Wow. And when you say the word restoration, I think of maybe an old piece of furniture that's so valuable that's lost. Maybe some of it's flare its beauty. But if in the right hands of a wood smith like that can be restored, it can be brought back amen to its original beauty. Maybe not exactly as it was, but there can be so much beauty and we can also think of a church being restored right? When it's all the paints chipping, the marble looks horrible. We can take that away and resort back to its original beauty, I think. And I think this is apt uh I think of the Sistine chapel and, and over 500 years, all of the soot from the incense and the candles just caked this dark layer like a a cloud over the original pristine colors of Michael Michelangelo's human figures. And and John Paul, the second ordered this restoration project where these layers and layers of soot and grime were removed. And even art historians were in disbelief at the vividness of the colors because for, for however many hundreds of years, we just saw it covered in soot and we thought Michelangelo was kind of dim and dark in his portrayal. Oh no, no rightness, vividness and, and even more so to just make an apt connection. Uh John Paul the second, also in the restoration project of the Sistine Chapel, ordered the removal of many of the loin cloths that previous Popes had ordered to be painted over Michelangelo's original nudes. John Paul the second said, take them off, why take them off in the name of Christian purity? And then he said in the in when he dedicated the restored Sistine Chapel, he said, Michelangelo allowed himself to be guided by those evocative words of Genesis that the man and his wife were both naked and felt no shame. And then he dedicated the restored Sistine chapel with all these vivid colors in these original nudes. He he dedicated it as the sanctuary of the theology of the human body. Our bodies are not pornographic. Our bodies are the, they reveal the mystery of God. Our bodies are theological. They tell a divine story. They tell the story that God himself is an eternal exchange of life, giving love and we are destined to participate bodily in that exchange of life-giving love. And that's why the enemy hates that beautiful painting. And that's why he wants to twist it up so that we no longer see our bodies as the graphic uh uh uh an image of God. We rather see them as pornographic, an image of, of, of something twisted and distorted and base, incredible, so beautiful. And I remember Jason Everett in his book on John Paul the second talking about something Michelangelo said. I can't remember the exact quote, but please uh jump in if you remember it where I think some of the cardinals and bishops at the time were scandalized by the way, he was depicting the human body just in all its glory without any lo cloth. And I, do you remember the line? He said to them, I, I can, I can recall it but it was something, it was something to the extent of like the body isn't bad and dirty. The world has made it and it's just something bad. And yes, it's, it's the point he was making is that the body itself is not impure, but we are projecting our own impurity onto it. There you go. Right. And Saint Paul says it this way to the pure, all things are pure but to the impure, nothing is pure. And what does that mean to the pure? They're seeing the world as God created it to be. And God looked at everything he made and said, behold, it is very good, right? The only clay that exists is God's clay. All that impurity does. It takes God's clay and twists it up. So when we're coming to put it this way in this crumpled up painting those who are pure can see even in what is impure, this crumpled up version of things what's still in there, Joey, what's still in there? The original pure beautiful plan of God is still within this crumpled paper and those who are pure can see it and tease it out, right? But even for the impure, even when the painting is un crumpled, they're still projecting their own impurity onto it, right? That's what Saint Paul means. When he says to the pure, all things are pure but to the impure. Nothing is pure because they bring the impurity is in the way we see the world. It's not in the things of the world, it's in the way we see it. Blessed are the pure of heart for they shall see the mystery of God revealed through the human body, through a tree, through a waterfall, through a sunset, through all of God's creation. We come to see the mystery of God revealed and the pinnacle of God's creation is male and female. He created them and he blessed them and he called the two to become one flesh to be fruitful and multiply. They were naked without shame because in the beginning, they saw the world purely because their erotic longing had not yet been crumpled up and God gave us erotic longing. God gave us arrows to be the very power to love as he loves. In the beginning. Eros, we could put it this way in the beginning before sin, Aros expressed agape. What's agape? Agape is sacrificial divine love. Eros is meant to be the human expression of agape. But with original sin, eros ran out of agape. Aros got cut off from agape and when Eros is cut off from agape, Aros becomes inverted becomes a selfish thing and and the male is now looking at the female and vice versa as an object for my own selfish pleasure. Right? Shame enters the world right here, right? Shame enters the world. When Eros becomes inverted. When Aros gets cut off from agape, shame enters the world and shame is not saying the body is bad. In fact, shame is the recognition that the body is good, but you're looking at it as if it's a thing you're treating me not as a person made in the image of God. You're looking at me as an object for your selfish pleasure and Eve covers herself, not because her body is bad. She covers herself because her body is so good and she knows because of the goodness of her body, she's not meant to be treated as an object for Adam's kicks. Adam covers himself also because the the shame goes both ways. Eve is also looking at Adam now with a a manipulative distorted arrows. But here's the good news of the gospel. Where does Jesus perform his first miracle, Joey at a wedding? And what does he do? Changes water and so on? Why? Ok, we got, we gotta press into this. If we want to find the real cure or what ails us. We gotta press into the first miracle. Running out of wine is a symbol. John Paul the second tells us of of the original sin. What what is wine a symbol of in the Bible? It's a symbol of divine love and divine life poured out for us, right? Running out of wine is a symbol that eros has been cut off from agape. So what does Jesus do? He restores the wine in super abundance? In other words, he restores agape to arrows in super abundance, right? What is the goal of the Christian life? From this perspective? It's to get totally plastered. It's to get totally intoxicated on God's wine, right? Nothing of Christianity will make sense unless we understand it as this invitation uh for arrows to be intoxicated by agape, the commandments will make no sense unless Aros is intoxicated by agape. Nothing. The church teaches about sexuality will make sense unless Aros is intoxicated by agape. This is the first miracle because this is the first result of original sin. The first result of original sin is Aros gets cut off from agape. Aros runs out of wine. So the first miracle has to be the correction of the first consequence of original sin. And that's why the first miracle is the restoration of agape to eros. In other words, the first miracle is the un crumpling of this painting. This is our faith. This is Christianity. Wow, it's beautiful. It's beautiful. And I think if people really knew that it's so it's so attractive. And so we really knew this. We wouldn't take our hunger to the fast food. So this brings us back to your original question. How did we get in this mess? And I said we got in this mess because of misdirected desire. We, we thought that the fast food was the answer to our hunger. Well, put it this way, if the content is between starvation and fast food, well, who wins? The fast food will always win. But if the contest is between a banquet and fast food, which one's gonna win the banquet, the bank. Because that's what we're made for. What does Jesus say? Go out into the main streets and invite everyone to starve to death. No, that's not what he says. Go out into the main streets. What does that mean to real human life? Where people feel this hunger? Go out to the hungry people and invite them to a banquet. Invite them to the feast. My brother, you know, and I know that taking our hunger and our thirst to pornography, it's like drinking salt water, right? There's a semblance of OK. My tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth. I was so parched. I was so thirsty and and there's water in my mouth now and, and now my tongue is loosened from the roof of my mouth. It feels like I'm quenching my thirst, but there's so much salt in that sea water that it's going to, it's going to increase my thirst in such a way that I drink more and more saltwater. And then I kill myself from the levels of sodium in my blood, right? So it's the semblance of satisfaction of my thirst, but I'm actually killing myself, right? You can, you can die from starvation, but you can also die from food poisoning, right? You can die from thirst and you can also die from drinking something that will kill you. We have to take our hunger and our thirst to that, which truly satisfies. And this is why the gospel is good news come all of you who are hungry, come all of you who are thirsty. I will give you bread from heaven. I will give you living water. So good, so good. And I think it's, it's so free too. Just to hear that the desire is not the problem. The twisting of the desire is the problem. And I think it's so interesting to look out in our world, you know, years back. And even to this day, there's this phenomenon of like 50 shades of gray and this whole kind of perversion of sexuality. But I think even underneath that, there's something so good and so beautiful, right? Not in itself all that 50 shades of great stuff. But underneath that, it's like this desire to be loved, to be wanted to be, you know, cared for, to be seen like all that good stuff. It's there, that desire is there. And like you're saying, behind every twisted crumpled up desire, there's something good that got twisted up and crumpled up. And this means there are three choices we have with erotic longing. We think there's only two. We tend to think there's only two indulge it or repress it, right? And if those are the only two options, which one looks more. Holy repress, right? We think repression is the answer to our indulgent. No, no, no, no. There are three choices. Don't indulge, don't repress open to redemption. And here's, here's a visual of what I mean, this is repression. We hold it all in, this is indulgence. We aim that longing at the pleasures of this world, right? And this is redemption where we learn to open those longings to the infinite at its root. Erotic longing is a desire for infinite truth, infinite goodness and infinite beauty, right? That means Aeros as Pope Benedict the 16th tells us eros is man's longing for God, only God is infinite, only God is infinite truth, goodness and beauty, right? And as John Paul, the second says the gospel does not invite us to repress Aeros. The gospel invites us to the fullness of Aeros, which implies the upward impulse, the upward impulse of the human spirit towards the true, the good and the beautiful. So that what is erotic says, John Paul the second also becomes true, good and beautiful. This is the path. Another name for this journey is prayer because prayer is nothing other than holy, the holy expression of arrows. Prayer is nothing other than becoming a longing for God. I like to put it this way. It's an analogy I often use, I like to say God gave us erotic longing to be like the fuel of a rocket that has the power to launch us to the stars, to infinity and beyond, right? But there's an enemy who doesn't want us to reach those stars. And his goal is to invert those rocket engines. That's why so many of us go out into the world. We're, we're looking for love and happiness. But when we launch with inverted rocket engines, it all backfires on us. Christ came into the world not to condemn those with inverted rocket engines. He came into the world to redirect our rocket engines to the stars. Beautiful and so inspiring and so hopeful and shifting gears a little bit. I think when it comes to this idea of like men and women, masculine and femininity. So often the Brokenness that we carry, whether it's sexual or not. But so often the sexual Brokenness we carry is rooted in a broken experience of the masculine or the feminine of men or women. For example, maybe a girl who was abused by her father might throw herself into the arms of men in a, you know, casual hook up just to feel that comfort that being wanted. She might also throw herself into the arms of women because she's scared to death of men and men. Yeah. Absolutely. Which I would totally understand or, or maybe it's understandable. All of our distortions are understandable when we have a sense of what happened to the human heart when we ran out of wine. And you're exactly right, Joey. It goes back to an identity crisis of masculinity and femininity. What does it mean to be a man? What does it mean to be a woman? The original blueprint is Genesis, right? In the beginning, they were naked without shame. And, and here John Paul, the second begins his entire theology of the body with the discussion of the, the the saying of Jesus where Jesus is talking to the Pharisees and the Pharisees say, is it OK for a man to divorce his wife, Moses allowed us to divorce. What do you say, Jesus? And Jesus says, Moses allowed you to divorce your wives because of your hardness of heart. And then he adds, but from the beginning, it was not. So Jesus points us back to the beginning as the blueprint of what it means to be male and female. If we don't go back to the beginning, then our starting point is going to be the crumpled paper. Yeah. Good. Exactly. And you know what? We're gonna conclude, we're gonna conclude that masculinity is toxic in itself. We're gonna conclude that femininity is toxic in itself, right? And we're gonna throw away the painting because we haven't gone back to the beginning. Fall in masculinity and fall in femininity are toxic, twisted, masculinity, twisted femininity are toxic. But we must remember those words of Jesus in the beginning. It was not so. And the good news of the gospel is that Christ came into the world to restore creation to the purity of its origins. This is our hope, this is our hope. And what do we learn about masculinity and femininity in the beginning here, I want to point out two Hebrew words that are used in the book of Genesis that shine a bright light on the authentic meaning of masculinity and femininity. We lose this entirely in the English. But in Genesis chapter one, when it says male and female, he created them, the Hebrew words are Zakar and Neva Zakar and Neva Zakar is Hebrew for male and neeva neqebah, but the B is pronounced with a V sound, Neva Zakar and Neva, he created them Zakar and Niva mean in Hebrew they have a, there's a happy homonym kind of a play on, on the word and Zakar means male, but it also means to remember the deepest identity of the male according to the pattern of genesis is for the male to remember divine love to the female. That is the identity of the male, that is the mission of the male to remember divine love to the female, right? Saint Paul will say this when he says husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church, you must remember divine love. That's your identity. Neva means female in Hebrew. But the happy homonym is that Neva also means to open. Now, notice, look at the male and the female body, the male body has the member that allows him to remember divine love. Uh This is shocking to many people and I'm I'm I'm not trying to be crass at all. I'm trying to reveal the holiness of the original blueprint, right? Do you know where we get the word testicles, Joey, I do not, I can't say I do. The word testicle shares the same root as words like testify, testimony, testament. What is the purpose of the male body? Right? Females don't have testicles, they have ovaries, right? What is the distinctive purpose of the male body? It is to testify to the eternal love of the father. It is to give testament and testimony. It is to remember the love of the Father Zakar. Look at the anatomy of a, a woman's body. She is literally designed by God to open, to receive divine love, to conceive divine love and to bear it forth to the world, right? So the body of the man is designed to remember divine love. The body of the female is designed to open to receive divine love. We see this ultimately fulfilled in Jesus and Mary. What did Jesus say at the last supper to restore masculinity? There were 12 men gathered around him and he said to each and every one of them do this in remembrance, remembrance of me. Do what? Love the bride as I love the bride by saying this is my body given up for you. Well, there is no more mad arrows. Pope Benedict the 16th tells us than the arrows that led Jesus to the marriage bed of the cross. Have you ever seen this depiction of the crucifixion from you? Yes. Yes. So what happened at the cross was the consummation of a marriage Christ is saying to his bride symbolized by the woman at the foot of the cross, right? It's absolutely critical that there's a male on the cross and a female at the foot of the cross. This is the absolute definitive revel revelation of what it means to be male and female. What's he doing? He's remembering the love of the father. What's she doing? She's opening to receive that love. And what happens? She becomes the mother of all the living. What does Jesus say the real man to the real woman? When he remembers the love of the father to her? He testifies to the love of the father. And he says, woman behold your son in reference to the beloved disciple, right? The beloved disciple is the mystical offspring of the mystical marriage happening through the union of the hearts of the New Adam and the New Eve at the marriage bed of the cross. And people think, OK, that's a little weird. Isn't that his mother at the foot of the cross? Yes, in the flesh, she's always his mother. But in the spirit, she symbolizes the church, she symbolizes the bride. It's right in the catechisms of the Catholic church that Mary symbolizes the bride of Christ, right? So this also Zakar and Neva to remember and to open, that's our deepest identity. But sin itself is a direct attack against male and female identity. If the mission of the man is to remember divine love. What's the antithesis of his mission? What's, what's his sin going to be? What, what's the opposite of remembering? Forgetting? He's going to forget who he is. He's gonna forget divine love and he's not gonna be able to give authentic testimony. This is what happens when the man runs out of wine. He forgets divine love. And now that initiation of divine love becomes domination and control of the woman. And if the man forgets, what's the woman gonna do? Her true identity is to open? But if he forgets, what's she gonna do? Close up? And she, if the man forgets, she has to close to protect her own dignity. That's what this crumpled paper is. The crumpled up painting is a car and Neva having forgotten and closed to divine love. Fascinating. So good. Yeah. What's the restoration? How do we hear men must remember? Right? Do this in remembrance of me and how, what enables Mary to be the open one? What enables Mary? The woman, the quintessential woman, the New Eve? What enables her to be forever open? What if she was saying her, her in her magnificat, the Lord has remembered his mercy. It's the fact that God that Christ has remembered that the Lord has remembered that enables her to remain ever open. Even though that takes her right here to the foot of the cross, she still stays open. This is the path for us. This is the redemption of masculinity and femininity. We must all because in a very real sense, we're all first feminine in relation to God because we're creatures, right? We're all the bride in this sense, right? And sometimes that wigs out men. They're like, ah, I don't like that imagery of being the bride. Ok. Choose something else that still puts you in the receptive posture and I'll say Jesus is the quarterback and you guys, you're the wide receiver, right? And what does the wide receiver have to do? He has to get himself open, right? So whatever image works for you just get yourself receptive and open. If we're gonna use the bodily image, that means we're all bride, right? We have to open to receive divine love in order to give it men, we cannot be men, the giving of that divine love, the remembering of the divine love. We can't give it if we haven't first received it. And here Jesus himself is the ultimate model of masculinity. How was he able to remember divine love? Because from eternity, he was open to receiving the love of the father. And so he was able to give it right? We as men, if we are to remember it, we have to open and this means Joey, we have to expose to Jesus all of our twisted up, broken, mucked up pornographic diseased humanity, right? We have the temptation to just bury this like I'm not gonna look at that. I'm not gonna look at it. It's dirty, it's evil. It has to come out into the light. We have to open this to God's mercy so that he can come into it so that it can get un crumpled. Jesus says it this way. He says, make sure these are the words of Christ. Make sure that no part of your body remains in the darkness, bring your whole body. He says into the light and make sure no part of it remains in darkness. This is Luke chapter 11. Uh It might. Yeah, Luke chapter 11, I'm pretty sure bring your whole body into the light and make sure no part of it remains in darkness. And then he says your whole body, your whole body will illuminate you like a burning lamp with its brightness. The problem is we prefer the darkness to the light, right? The only way to healing here is to bring what is dark in you into the light. He will not shame you. He will not scold you, he will not condemn you. He will come into all that is crumpled in you with his healing mercy and you will open up and you will be restored and the grime and the soot and the loin cloths, the fig leaves will come off those paintings and you'll be restored in your splendor. Now, it's not an overnight thing. It's take up your cross daily and follow me in this life. There's always gonna be some amount of leftover grime, right? It's not gonna be pristine in this life, but we gotta take up our cross every day and follow him and we will become more and more the men and women. We are created to be beautiful Chris. Thank you so much. I could talk to you forever. I know we're at the end of our time now, but I just want to make sure if people want to go deeper into all of this. Tell us about your books, your courses, your resources, how can people get those and how can people follow you online? Yes, I am the president of the Theology of the Body Institute and we're based in Pennsylvania, but we are a global mission and our mission is really to lead people on this path of sexual healing and redemption so that they can live a restored life uh so that they can live a redeemed life. Not that we are perfectly redeemed in this life, but we can journey on this path in a much deeper way than most of us realize. So that's why we exist. And we offer courses both online and in a five day in person format. Uh We, we have a very active youtube channel. You can learn about us there. My wife and I have a, an active podcast. It's called The Ask Christopher West show, hosted by Wendy West. And uh we've answered more than 600 questions on that. Podcast over the course of about over 200 episodes. So you can look in the back catalog there and plug in, you can go wherever you listen to podcasts. Uh Just go to theology of the body dot com. That'll take you to our main website. You can learn more about who we are and what we do there. Uh That's the main place to go. Yeah, we'll make sure to link all of that in the show notes too to make it easy for you guys to, to find those resources, Christopher. I wanna give you the last word. What final advice or encouragement would you give to anyone listening right now? Who's really struggling with sexual Brokenness? You are loved as you are, you are loved where you are. You need not be afraid to open up the darkness as it is and as you experience it to the light, but you are loved so much as you are and where you are that the Lord doesn't want to leave you as you are and where you are, he wants to lead you into the banquet and the journey of conversion from the fast food and the starvation approach to the banquet is long. It is arduous. Uh It's not a straight uphill climb. There are setbacks and we fall but you are loved thoroughly in and through it off. Do not be afraid to take all of your desires as you experience them to the one who loves you as you are and where you are and let that love lead you to where you are meant to be. That's the journey knowing we are loved as we are and that, that love will take us where we're meant to be. Wow, that was profound, so much to learn. I love his main point that at the core of our twisted sexual desires are good, true and beautiful desires. And if you want to learn more from Christopher, go ahead and pick up his books at the Theology of the Body Institute or TOB Institute dot org or just click on the links in the show notes. Now, speaking of sexual Brokenness so often at the root of sexual compulsion is trauma, but before you can heal it, you have to stand in our free mini course on trauma titled Why You Feel Broken consists of five short videos by a trauma therapist that answers the questions. What is trauma? What impact does it have on your body? How does it affect your emotions? What does it do to your mind and how does it impact your relationships again? Once you understand what trauma is and how it affects you today, then you can begin to heal and build the life that you long for and so to get the course for free again, it's free. It's really easy. Just go to restored ministry dot com slash broken again. Restored ministry ministry is singular dot com. Slash broken. Sign up for free and begin watching the mini course again. Go to restored ministry dot com slash broken or just click on the link in the show notes that wraps up this episode. And if you know someone who's struggling from their parents, divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them seriously, take like 30 seconds right now to message them this episode and then closing. Always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life. And remember the words of CS Lewis who said you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

Divorce Made Me Feel Forgotten and Alone

1 minute read.

This story was written by Christina Larsen at 28 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 14. She gave permission for her story to be shared.

Her STORY

My mom pulled me out of class when I was 14 to tell me she and my father were getting divorced because he had an affair.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL

Forgotten, alone, terrified, sad, lonely, depressed, angry, rageful, confused, desperate

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her

I started self-harming, had a string of abusive relationships, unsafe sex with random people, drug addiction, suicidal thoughts and attempts, mental illness, stints in rehabs and psych units, failed friendships, constant relocation, never feeling home/wanted/loved, always seeking parental support in other older people, inconsistent work life, zero family support, parentification, parental alienation, horrible at setting boundaries, codependency, time/money/energy in my own therapy.

ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED

It’s not your fault

Your parents may not be the best people to go to for help anymore

Seek support elsewhere

Get help

---

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Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

#103: How Does Your Body and Brain React to Trauma? | Patricia Scott, LPC, PhD Candidate

What happens inside your brain and your body when you endure trauma?

Surprisingly, there’s actually a predictable way that your body and mind responds to trauma. In this episode, we break down each response with a trauma therapist. We also discuss:

• How her parents’ divorce impacted her

• Is healing trauma even possible? If so, what does it take to heal?

• How to apologize the right way

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• Book

  • 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged | H. Norman Wright

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TRANSCRIPT

Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!

What happens inside your brain and your body. When you endure trauma, it might surprise you. But there's actually a really predictable way that your body and your mind responds. And in this episode, we'll break that down. We'll break down each reaction with a trauma therapist. We also discuss how her parents' divorce impacted her. We asked the question is healing trauma even possible. And if so what does it take to heal it? We touched on some really interesting facts about human development too. It's really important stuff to know if you want to heal and grow and thrive in life. We even discussed parenting and this stuff is relevant even if you're not a parent or you won't be for the next 10 years and how to apologize the right way and finally share for some encouragement and advice to anyone who feels broken and stuck in life. So, keep listening. Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents', divorce, separation or broken marriage so you can feel whole again and break the cycle. I'm your host Joey Panelli and this is episode 103. My guest today is Patricia Scott. She is a licensed professional counselor certified in trauma therapy and a phd candidate at Ducane University in counselor education and supervision. She graduated from Franciscan University of Steubenville with her master's degree in Clinical mental Health Counseling and from Argos University with a master's degree in sport and exercise, psychology. Prior to that, she completed her bachelor's degree in psychology, philosophy and theology at Franciscan University. You heard that right? A triple major. She served as an adjunct professor of psychology and social work at Franciscan University and adjunct faculty member at Ducane University. After treating clients as a therapist, she now works on the management side of a counseling practice as the director of data management and analytics. Petty loves to play volleyball, spend time with her family and close friends and most of all play with her nieces. Uh she lives in Boulder Colorado with her dog, Mr Darcy. So Patty is brilliant if you can tell and that's a good friend of mine. I'm just so excited for you to learn from her. Uh In this episode, we do talk about God and faith. And so if you don't believe in God, you're totally welcome here. Anyone listening to this podcast for a while knows that this is not a strictly religious podcast. So wherever you're at, glad you're here. And if you don't believe in God, my challenge to you, is this just listen with an open mind even if you skip or take out the God parts. You're still gonna benefit a lot from this episode. And since we recorded this in person too, you might hear her dog in the background. So just be aware of that. Here's our chat, Patricia. Welcome to the show. Thank you or Patty. I might refer to you as Patty. It's really good to have you. I wanted to have you on the show for a while and as we usually do on the show, let's just dive right in. How old were you when your parents separated and divorced? I was a junior in college when it officially happened. And I say officially, I found out my sophomore year of college, my mom had told me that her intention was to wait until my younger brother went to college to divorce my dad. So I knew a whole year ahead of time. So it officially happened once my younger brother was a freshman. So that would be my junior year of college. Was that kind of a burden? It was, it was, um, I was thinking about, I was reflecting on that today and just thinking, you know, what are the reasons I felt like I could have said something. I should have said something and really it comes down to just a few scenarios. Either I tell this important information and things get worse because he didn't know or I tell him he makes an effort or they both make an effort. Things get better or I tell him and I see that he makes no effort and it's heartbreaking. Um But either way I felt like being told that before it happened, put a lot of pressure to build an alliance to my mom because it was this big thing that I was told not to say anything. So having to hold on to that, I think it, it did burden me and pressured me into an alliance that I didn't want to have any alliance. I mean, they're my parents. I love them equally and that's not my information to hold. It's not my information to know. So no, that's difficult. And you know, I could see from your mom's perspective, too kind of want to prepare you. But at the same time, it's yeah, there is a burden to carry around both and the aspect of wanting to inform your dad. But also probably your brother too, knowing that kind of they were waiting for him to kind of move out and that's a lot to carry. So, ok, and I got the impression that I was the only one who was told, I'm not sure. So I'm not sure if I was being told to prepare me for it or if I was being told because she wanted to tell somebody and your child is just not the appropriate person to tell. So true. I'm glad you said that because I think there are a lot of parents listening to who are going through a lot of messiness in their marriages and trying to figure out what to do next. And I think it's important to remember that Children are not meant to be emotional confidants or not meant to kind of fill the role of a spouse or even to become a parent. And it's so easy to do. Like I get why it's done, but it's so damaging, especially when you play that out over years, like ruins, the relationship creates a really unhealthy dynamic and it becomes really sad. I've seen situations where the kids just don't want to talk to the parents at all years later. And it's how sad. It's almost as if every conversation is approached with a new hesitancy because you don't know if this is going to become a conversation about you and dad or you and mom, you just don't know. So it feels like every conversation is all of a sudden unsafe to have because it's so easy because you, you shared a life with these people. This is your family and the simplest of things is not doing the dishes or not doing the preferred way or not cleaning your room. You just never know what can lead to a conversation. Oh, I remember your mom or your dad let you do this and everything can turn so quickly. Yeah. No, I hear you. And we must develop these multiple personalities in the sense that we need to be one person around, like dad, one person around mom, one person around like maybe certain relatives or friends. And it can be really challenging to juggle all that. I know, man, there's so many heartbreaking stories of kids who literally had to juggle their lives between two homes and then everything else that comes along with that like bringing different bags to school and all that good stuff. So it's not good stuff. it's heavy stuff and uh yeah, it's, it's tragic, but I'm glad you said you love your parents because I know, um there's sometimes people get the impression that if you speak honestly about what you've been through that somehow you're putting them down or condemning them or saying that you don't love them. But I, I usually kind of cheekily ask, you know, do you hate your parents? And you already answered the question? And that's, yeah, it's, you know, we love our parents. Um, but in order to, I think to, to heal and grow, we need to be honest about what we've been through and we can do that in a way that still honors them. I am, I think the love I have for them has deepened in a sense because I've seen them, they've become more human and as I've grown older, I understand what it means more to be human and to be fallen. So I think being able to reflect on that each year, not that I make an active effort to reflect on each year but each year, like, you know. Yeah, exactly. There's, you know, it always comes up in some way it comes up or I think about it or a conversation happens and it just, that gets brought up. So, seeing more of their humanness and growing up and understanding nobody is perfect. So still it doesn't invalidate the good things they did. As a parent it doesn't take away or make worse the negative things that happened. It just makes it more human and making it more human is really humbling to see myself progress as a fallen human. So it's almost as if I understand them a little bit better and I not that I sympathize or I have compassion for it. I don't think I ever would and I don't think, I think it's ok to not just seeing it, their humanness helps me grow in love for them. No, that's beautiful and no, I could say, you know, being married and having a baby girl and you know, being a parent, it definitely opens your eyes more to you definitely can understand what your parents were going through. But at the same time, you can still kind of hold that standard up and say like no, what happened was damaging. It was difficult, it was in some cases even wrong. Yeah, you can say both of those things at the same time. So I'm curious how did all that affect you, we talked a little bit about it. But how did that play out in, you know, the years that followed? Honestly, I think there was some of God's grace at work in the timing of it, even though I found out as a sophomore and I didn't want to know that initially, it did make me more angry and anytime I would come home during that year and I was, I was more anxious because I was just waiting to find out that papers had been presented or there have been discussions with lawyers finding things out, just waiting to have this burden lifted from me. I do think there was graces in it though. I think waiting until the last kid was out of the house and in college was a smart choice. So even though you're going to do this monumental, you know, damaging thing, having an appropriate sense of timing or respect for the development of your Children and you know, with the timing of it, I think makes a difference. And so we were out of the house, we didn't have to see what happened. So I didn't, I don't know what happened on a day to day basis. None of us did because even though they were living in the same house and they were going through this divorce, none of the kids were there in the house. Now we all saw what led up to it. So when we heard the divorce, you know, I was like, oh, well, that makes sense. Like finally kind of thing. So I do think there were some graces. I, I can see that I was definitely angry and anxious. I, I think that was more leading up from a sophomore year when I found out it was going to happen to when it actually did happen and then when it did happen, I felt a big sense of relief just not because it was happening, but because I didn't have to hold that information anymore. So after that, I think I more felt a sense of relief and I was curious to know how things would happen. Whose house would I be coming home to for Christmas or Thanksgiving? You know, I didn't know that information yet and it wasn't, it wasn't figured out. So I think having it where I was away at college, it did help and I think that minimized it. I think there was a lot of safety nets there because I had a community. I had my faith. I had things to fall back on. I had school as a significant distraction and that was my vocation at the time. So I would have to really, really think and see like what were the immediate effects of it during that time when it was going on? I mean, the divorce officially, all the paperwork in courts going back and forth just ended this year over a decade later. Oh, my goodness. I didn't know that. Ok. And we're good friends for everyone listening. Yeah, I didn't, I mean, there was, I thought a lot of the stuff was over. So, I mean, the divorce itself was done but then the battles for, am I getting paid enough? You know, like going into those things, you only have so many years. So obviously it's half of the marriage in years. And so that finally is over and that, so all I would hear about is the court battles, blah, blah, blah. So now that's done and I don't have to hear that anymore. So there's a lot of relief in that I'm sure for everyone involved. But I could see especially for you and yeah, no, that sense of relief I think makes a ton of sense. And I've heard that from other people too because I remember one young woman saying, you know, her mom approached her and told her that she wanted to divorce her dad and kind of put her in a weird spot. She didn't know what to say to that. But one thing she knew was she just want the fighting to stop. And so I totally get that sense of relief immediately, especially. Was there anything else that you can kind of tie back to? Yeah, just the breakdown of your family and the divorce and everything that maybe played out years later. I mean, there's some major things I would say that play out later. But they played out in the time they played out during their marriage. So from a younger age, I obviously had a love for our faith. I had a love for theology. I had a love for church teaching. So when I first learned what marriage was learned this, this is great Sacrament. And I remember talking to it about my, with my siblings and my parents. When I say siblings, I don't mean all of them. I mean one sibling in particular just to clarify. So I would talk to about to my older sibling uh because she was also very active in our youth group at the same parish. And so I remember bringing it up to her. I'm like, oh, I just learned about this and she was like, oh yeah, our uh some of this was my mom's second marriage. Her first marriage was Sacramental. It was never an nulled because she felt at that time she was so young. She didn't have a full understanding of it that if it was to be annulled, it would be as if she didn't exist. And so that was her conception of that at the time. Obviously, that's not the case, that's a very harmful thinking and that really should be addressed and it just wasn't addressed in a healthy way. So my parents' marriage was a civil marriage. So as soon as I heard that all I could think was man, I don't want either one of my parents to be in mortal sin. I want them to divorce and knowing that I had, I think I had that thought probably around sixth or seventh grade was the first time I thought that but they should not be married. Like it's not even a sacrament. It's a valid marriage but it's not sacramental. My mom has been living in mortal sin in this and my dad's participating in it as the sin of scandal. I want this to be over and thinking, you know, it doesn't take away any of our identities as kids in a family. It doesn't take away any of that. I just wanted it to be done because I didn't want either one of them to be hurting their soul in that way. And it was very difficult to the only person I tried to articulate that to was my youth minister and my older sister, I never said that to parents. But I do remember feeling that sense of like, oh like, ok. And I remember after that would be like mom, you want to go to confession with me, but you never know if someone's going to realize that level or degree of sin and actually bring that to confession or want to, you know, have that, that cleansing from it. So knowing that it definitely put a different filter on relationships, it put a different filter on what I see marriage being and the intention behind it and having it being sacramental and the value of that as I was growing up more in high school years, not seeing what I would consider a healthy marriage, seeing more fights. I was very hesitant to get into any kind of relationship with people because I thought that's all it was. This is just someone that you fight with regularly and they just can't go anywhere like they have to come back. You know, that's kind of what my conception was of it a little bit like, ok, this is someone you have kids with, you get to fight with them all the time. But I realize as an adult, all I saw was the fighting. I didn't see the resolution. And that's something as an adult, as a therapist. Whenever I talk to people, I said the most important thing in my opinion that you can do as a parent is resolve conflict in front of your kids because so frequently we all learn how to fight. We all learn how to fight fair, we learn how to fight unfair, you know, I mean, we learn how to backstab but we don't learn how to resolve. And that is the most difficult thing. Like we rarely, probably rarely hear how to even properly apologize to someone. And now that's such a big emphasis in my life. Like when I apologize to someone, I have like a specific formula that I follow for even making an apology because it was something I had to really learn to dive into because I never saw that example through my parents. And that was hard, like realizing that like first time in the inkling England 6th, 7th grade, going into high school, seeing it more and then have developing, you know, more deep relationships with friends, seeing the importance of it and then going to their houses and seeing that their parents had such great relationships and they were playful, you know, things like what like what was in their water today, like what is going on here? So seeing that is a big gap in the knowing that something is missing in my life and something is missing in their marriage and it's not healthy, like there's something unhealthy here. So I had to do a lot of observation of other families and other married couples to learn what it is. And through God's Providence when I went back to school at Francisca, and I lived with a family, the most amazing family who they really taught me what it is to be a Catholic family and have a sacramental marriage. I mean, they're, they're beautiful. So I think they kind of were like the positive influence that kind of took away a lot of the negative effects. I mean, it influenced every single influence relationships I had from friendships to romantic interests. It affected everything of not knowing and thinking, ok, this person is just going to fight with me and leave me you know, how long do I have with this person? Because they're probably just going to leave me whether it was a friend or not. And that was, that was a definitely a hard thing to have to think of. Like, how would you enter any sort of relationship? I know I felt the same way. I remember as like a 12, 13, 14 year old, like in the years that followed my parents' separation and later divorce. I was like, I will never get married. Like just like you felt, I was like, if this is where it leads, why in the world would I want to put myself through this? Because it was super painful for me even from the outside. And then I, you know, was able to think through like, well, it must be really painful for them. I don't know what it's like, but it must be really painful. So why would I want to put myself through that? So, yeah, and I love what you said about observing, you know, healthier relationships and how that, you know, it sounds like it gave you hope and it also kind of taught you well, this is what it looks like, this is what it should look like. And I know that was super helpful for me and we've heard that trend a ton on the show and the interviews we've done. So it's really, really beautiful. I want to go back to the apology formula. You got me really intrigued. I know everyone's like ears lit up when you said that. So what is your formula if you're willing to share? Yeah. So and this is not, I don't have the book references. It's upstairs in my library somewhere. So when you are apologizing to someone, you need to acknowledge what it is, you did and you need to name it specifically. So it's not just saying, I'm sorry that you feel bad. I'm sorry that upsets you. Well, what is the that of that statement apologizing for their feelings? And you can't do that? Your feeling, your feelings are your own. I can't control how you, I mean, I can influence and anticipate what your feelings might be through my actions. And so that is part of my responsibility, however, I don't have full responsibility over your emotional reaction. That's yours. So when we apologize to someone, you're like, I'm sorry that made you upset. Ok, great. That's not an apology. The apology is discussing what that is. So when I apologize to someone, I want to make sure that I go over the exact action that I believe I was wrong in doing or was unjust because it's not always something that you're actively doing wrong. I think it sometimes can also be when you're not being just towards another person which could be that you neglected to act or you acted in a way that could potentially be harmful or you're just wrong with something, you know, you could say something that wasn't factual in the heat of a moment and it was inappropriate to say so that I think owning up to the specifics of what it is, you are acknowledging you did wrong then recognizing how either you anticipate or you think not anticipate again, that would be worse. But how you see it affected them. Whether or not your reflection on their reaction to it is accurate or not. That's not the really important thing. It's acknowledging that you, it's a way of seeing them of understanding. Yes, this is, I have been acknowledging what it is. I did wrong. This is how it affected you. At least I could see this is how it affected you. And this is why I really don't want to do that again. You know, you saying something I suppose not say I really, I couldn't stand your shirt and I made a terrible comment about it. Is this an actual statement? Right? I just kidding. No, that's a lovely color. So I might say, you know, Joey, I'm really sorry. I made that comment about your shirt. It was really inappropriate and disrespectful for me to say. And I can imagine how disrespected you may have felt and I don't want you feeling that way because I do respect you and I do care about this relationship and I wouldn't want to have you think that I don't care about you. So I'm really, I'm really sorry that in the heat of the moment I disrespected you in that way and that was wrong and I will do my best to try and not, you know, make a comment like that. So adding a little bit of um and not just saying, I'm sorry, like everyone can say, I'm sorry, not everyone can apologize. An apology is really what repairs a relationship and that's something when I go back to what I said, I heard my parents say, I'm sorry. Tons of times. I don't think I ever heard them apologize. Oh, ok. And so that's something, that's something I had to learn over time. And when I actually started practicing it, it is tough. I don't want anyone listening to this thinking that following the formula that I just did is easy. It is so incredibly difficult. Like I'm getting goose bumps, just think about how difficult it is to do. And there have been many times where it brings me to tears just because you feel the weight of it. It's almost kind of a pseudo confession to someone who's not a priest. You're really acknowledging what it is and taking responsibility and giving that action a name. And when we give something a name, we can take ownership of it and we can do something about it. It gives us a new found power over it. So that's really good. Yeah. It's very difficult to apologize. It's easy to say. I'm sorry. It's difficult to apologize. Yeah. No, that's so good. And, yeah, I think one of the things that I struggle with when it comes to apologies is there's situations where, like I was genuinely trying to do the right thing or I thought I was doing, you know, what would help that person and then there's like, either a misunderstanding or it's seen in like, a bad light and that gets really frustrating. It's like, I don't want to apologize in that moment. Like, no, no, I was actually trying to do the right thing. So that could be tricky. So any advice there for people listening who are, you know, they literally feel like no, no, like I was literally trying to help and I did something that was then perceived as harmful or whatever the thing I think with that it's, we do need to be careful of what we say, the reason you're a what it is you're apologizing for because if you genuinely did not commit an offense, you did not do something wrong. You did not do something unjust, then really what you're doing is is making a comment or having a conversation to repair that relationship because I, I don't think we should start apologizing for things when we didn't do something wrong or when we weren't unjust. So if your action, whether it was because you think you were doing the right thing, if you were genuinely doing something that was correct. And right. And just to do, you don't apologize for doing something. Right. And just, we apologize for doing something that was wrong. So I think having that distinction is really important and that's how we would approach it because it's a different type of conversation. If it's the conversation where you did do something, just, it just didn't turn out the way you wanted and it had a negative impact on them or negative influence on, on the person. That's a conversation of repair and bringing up the intention of this is why I thought this was correct. I can see perhaps I didn't go about it in a way that was going to be positive. And so I can see how maybe I did, I could have approached it differently. And the reason I'm even bringing this up is because I do care so much about you. I wanted to do right by you. I wanted to help you. And so in my perspective, I thought I was doing that. I can see that perhaps I was incorrect. I was wrong in thinking that but again, you're not apologizing for what you did. If you didn't do something unjust, then we don't, we shouldn't apologize for doing something that was correct to do. We can apologize for how we approached it. Perhaps it could have been something that you actually talked to the person about first before you did it or maybe it could have been something that you acted on it out of, you didn't use proper prudence or temperance and you acted too quickly and you didn't reflect on the situation enough. So, in that sense, you can bring that up. I just, I don't personally, I don't think, and that's tough. It's really tough on the receiving end because you want to hear that someone say like I was wrong. But when they think about it too, if you didn't do something unjust and you were not wrong, you should not be apologizing for it because you didn't. There's nothing to apologize for so that it's more a conversation to repair. Yeah. No, that's good. And I think, um yeah, I think that's freeing because, you know, I, I think at times as humans were falling, we can be malicious, we can be nasty. But a lot of times I think there's frustration in relationships where it's like there's just misalignment like you thought the person wanted this, but they actually wanted that and they were kind of put off by you trying to do the first option, you know. So I've definitely seen that play out. I love what you said about the resolution though. And that's something you taught me actually. And that I've tried to live out not perfectly um bridge and I try to do that with Lucy, especially if she sees us, like having some sort of conflict and, you know, beyond just maybe a little bit of a dialogue, like if it's something that, you know, becomes more of a conflict, we want her to know like, hey, we're fine. Like mom and daddy, love each other. We're not, nothing's changing. We're just, you know, we just had a disagreement. We had a little bit of a conflict and trying to explain it and then saying, like, we love each other and being so young right now, uh we try to show that in some sort of a physical way like with a hug or a kiss or something. Yeah. Again, we don't do that 100% of the time. We're not perfect. I don't want to give people an impression. But uh it's definitely been very, very helpful and we've seen that also with her like she lights up when she knows that like everything is ok, like there's peace in the home because it's crazy how little kids like they become very perceptive to those things. And uh and so it's, it's really helpful for so parents listening, it's a great tip. It's something that like you see an immediate effect with. And so it's something you can implement right away. And I think to add on something to another layer, having a resolution or presenting one, it also needs to be developmentally appropriate to the child because if it's not, then it's going to go way over their head and they might not realize that was actually resold. That makes sense, you know, so in the way you display it. I mean, because you can show that to Lucy at, at a young age that she is, you know, you can role play things like even sharing basic things. You wanted a toy, she ripped it from your hands. You guys fight about it and then you have a resolution. You can physically embody that and that's something that will stick because then they will pick up on that. That's the correct behavior. Even if this is something I want and I rip this out. That's not OK. Here's how we resolve that. Whether it is that that gets removed from me and hand it back to whoever or I learn to share better, whatever the case may be, it's not always my dog is snoring in the back. Yeah. So having, having something that's developmentally appropriate as a resolution, I mean, obviously as kids get older, letting them hear those discussions to the point that's appropriate for them and again, to the degree that is appropriate for them just because someone has the capacity to understand the argument and all the, you know, the words that are being said does not mean they should get all the information. So even having resolution be presented because you can, you can go fight in your room, you can have the resolution be done in your room. In private, there needs to be an additional public display that's appropriate for your Children to hear because that's what you're teaching them if they saw the original discriminated. And I think that's, I think that's what's so powerful is that you don't have to do it perfect every time. That's why you don't need to do it in front of them every time you can go resolve it in private. But then when you're ready to come back out, you need to show that there's power in having a public display of a resolution. And I love what you said before too. You just never saw that side of it growing up and then you were exposed in other relationships and you learned it, which is beautiful and that's such a hopeful message to anyone listening right now, especially maybe you're going through your parents' divorce like in the moment and you're just in a like dark tough spot. There's a lot of hope at the end of the road, there's a lot of hope ahead. So keep your head up. Um Even if it is really, really painful and hard right now. So, yeah, I love that so much good stuff there. And like I said, it works. It's, it's really, really helpful and the more you practice, the better you get at it. I mean, even if you're doing it in private and you come out and you do a role play, you will only get better at resolving things and doing it publicly. I mean, there's no downfall to it. Yeah. No, 100% and it is, um, you need humility, kind of going back to that apology. And that's, I think that's the challenging part for me. I know that's pride is easy to, uh, it influences your behavior, actions and if you're not humble then, yeah, it can be just horrible for your relationship and I've certainly struggle with that. But, um, when you are humble it's beautiful and it ends up making the relationship and it's, it's a good reminder to your kids that you're on the same team. Like the team is your family. And even, even greater than that is the priority of the marriage that you two are on the same team as a married couple as parents. And then your whole family is on the same team. So, when we don't have that, I mean, that's something I didn't have. I didn't feel like our family was a team. I didn't feel like my parents were a team. I could play off of them like a fiddle. Not that I don't play the fiddle. Who knows? Maybe I could have. I tried, but I would get a yes from this one and a no from the other. And I would play that all day easily and I knew exactly which scenarios to go to which parent for, to get the answer I wanted because I knew they were not a team. And so that's just, that was definitely a hard thing to learn. And that was something that I could see influence my relationships, even friendships if I had a disagreement. Stonewall. No, it was so much easier just to cut someone out and not try and resolve it because I didn't know how to resolve anything. Yeah. How would you? You never, I mean, some things, I mean, I don't know. I wouldn't call it a supernatural gift. Although, and I don't mean supernatural in like a hero sense. I mean, supernatural is a grace that was given to me. I felt very, very protective of friends. And so even if someone got bullied, I would go and confront the bully and say, hey, that was not ok. What you did, I want you to come apologize. And so I would, I would do that. I started doing that in like fourth grade when bullying became like, you know, more prominent when we get to fourth grade. And so I just hated bullies. And I mean, I certainly, I know there was comments I said that I can think of to this day. I'm like, man, that was really rude. So if I ever came across that person, I probably would apologize for the things, some things I said, oh, even now, but it was just, I learned that it was so much easier to cut someone off instead of doing the hard work and no one wants to know that they're wrong. No one wants to think they're wrong. No one wants to hear they're wrong. We all are very prideful and having a sense of pride is a good thing, but it, obviously it can go too far, too quickly when you're not willing to submit yourself. I mean, especially this is your spouse, you're on the same team, not having the willingness to submit for the sake of your family, for the sake of your marriage, for the sake of Christ. Like for, there's so many things that go into it just for the sake of goodness, you know, for the sake of growing and becoming a better person. I think it's extremely, that's probably one of the most difficult things to actually live out. Yeah. No, I, I can agree with that. Let's stay here for a second because we have some parents or people who will be parents, future parents and they may be wondering, I know, I kind of wonder this. Now you're making me think, what do you do as a parent when kids try to, like, pit you against each other? Because they're so good at it because they're so good. I remember doing that as well as a kid. And so, yeah, what do you do in this situation? Have a game plan going into it? We all know kids are going to do this. Even if, even if you're a great example of a marriage, kids are going to do that because they're not going to be satisfied with a no answer, no kid wants to hear it. Can I have a dessert? No, if you said that I was going to go to mom or dad and I'm going to figure out who's going to say yes. And then I'm going to go to that person to get the answer I want next time. So having a game plan ahead of time and just having the default statement of saying I need to talk to mom about it. I need to talk to dad about it and just doing that and knowing that if that becomes your go to phrase, they will stop asking you, they will stop asking you because they know they can't play that game with you. And even if your kids are doing it now where they're pitting you against each other, you can start doing it. Now, it's going to be an uphill battle. It, it absolutely will, it will get worse before it gets better. And it could be that your spouse gives in more because it is tough. It is tough to maintain a new behavior, especially when you know that behavior is going to be a painful growth. You're gonna have some significant growing pains for your kid, but it will get, it will get better if all of a sudden they realize, ok, every time I have come to you with this, you said I need to talk to mom or I need to talk to dad first and not even giving them an answer. And that's, that's the important thing is not giving them even your preliminary answer. Cut it out completely and say no, I need to go talk to the other parent and then we'll give you an answer. So please don't ask me about it again until I have a chance to talk to mom or dad. That's so important because if you give them a preliminary example or the preliminary answer, they think that that's going to be the final answer. And so they might become even more upset if that's not the final answer. So it's better just to leave that out completely and say nope, I need to talk to mom or dad about it first. So like a scenario I know with Lucy, she's so funny. She has this like motion that she does when she wants ice cream. Like we try not to give her too much ice cream but she like imagine licking ice cream. She does that she goes and that means like I want ice cream. And so one of the mistakes I'm realizing I've made is I say, well, it's ok with me. If it's ok with mom, it would be better to say because then all the pressure is on her and then she'll be actually disappointed, but it's better to say like let's talk. I need to talk to mom. I don't know yet if you can not talk to mom. So OK, let's get him learning. Thank you even saying that, that little piece. He said, I don't know if you can yet because even that statement signals to the kid, it's up to mom. I see because you have just acknowledged that you don't have the answer and that you have to ask mom because mom holds all the power. Ok. Yeah, because then you're basically putting all the power and pressure because then because the kid is going to question, well, why don't, you know, I'm asking you, you're my parent, you know, so obviously depends on the cognitive ability of the kid. But that is something that they will catch on to. I mean, if I'm able to catch on to it in a second now, kids, kids get that so much quicker. I mean, they will believe your behaviors so much faster than they believe your words. I mean, they will just read that for days. So it, it even though it as difficult of a suggestion as it is just not giving any kind of answer and saying I need to talk with mom about it first, then I'll let you know, please don't ask me about it again till then. That's it. I mean, something different in the dynamic of I have my nieces spend the night with me usually once a week and I have done that since I moved here in 2020 which has been amazing. I love being able to give their parents a date night because I think it's so important for spouses to have a designated date night and have it be as routinely as possible. So they have it usually once a week, at least during the school year, it's always once a week and when they're at my house, because I have seen at their house that dessert is such a problem whether they haven't eaten enough to get dessert or they don't get the dessert of the choice or they misbehave. And so dessert is taken away. I mean, it is, I mean, it's just a nightmare. It's like a nuclear bomb just went off in the house. And so in seeing that I was like, nope, that does not fly in my house. I will not put up with it. So we do not do dessert in my house, period at all. They never and so it took a little bit for them to because initially we did and it started off with they would never finish it. So they would insist on having their own. We would get like a little mug cake. So it's like an individual cake. You put the mix in your cup and then you put in the microwave and you just eat a little cake out of your own little personal size mug, but they would never finish it. So I was like, ok, well, I'm not going to try and get you to finish your dessert just for the sake of finishing it. I'm just going to take it away because if you really, all you had was one bite. So you two can either decide to share or we just won't have it. They didn't want to share. So I said, ok, we're just not going to have desserts anymore, then that's fine. So they stopped expecting it and it's never a problem. So now if I give them a dessert, it's like this huge surprise. And so now you can ask my sister this, I think it was two weeks ago when I brought them home, she just sat at the other end of the counter and she goes, so I'm just curious, is there anything that mom and dad can do differently to help you listen to us better because you seem to listen to Peter so, so much better. There's never a problem. You don't throw temper chances for her. What is it? And it was her Aunt Leila's answer was very interesting. She said, well, Peter Rat doesn't give us warnings. She says sometimes when you give us a warning, I get anxious and I think I'm going to make a mistake. And so I get more emotional. If I do make a mistake, this is coming from a seven year old. This is pretty profound stuff for a seven year old to be saying in Lucy, you know, she chimes and she goes, yeah, parent doesn't give us warnings. She just tells us what happened or if we did something wrong we resolve it and we move on like there is no warning, there is a correction and that's it. So, I mean, it is the case when I thought I was like, man, do I ever really good warnings? Like no, actually I, I really don't. And so we don't have issues and so having different set of expectations and being prepared for those, like not simply not having dessert, period. There's no expectation for it. So there's no temper tantrum. There's no emotions around dessert. If you get it, it is a genuine treat. So it's never about you have to finish your food. You don't, you can't merit it at my house. And that seems to help. The master is a little tiny. I know dessert is very, very small, but for little kids, it can be really big deal when you're trying to get them to go to bed. So it's just an easy thing to do. I mean, it's not really easy because obviously if they're so used to it, it, it takes a long time to get out of that habit. But it is possible. I don't even remember where that tangent started. This is good. No, I appreciate you going into this and I'm learning and I know everyone listening is learning too and just to be clear to everyone listening, I do not have Children. I have nieces and nephews and I adore them. So I love being the thing that they get to come hang out with. Yeah. But now you have all your background and studying human development and helping people in that way too. So that's certainly helpful. And no, this is really good stuff. Going back to your story a bit. We were talking about just how your upbringing and what you experienced at home impacted you personally and we got into your relationships. Was there anything else you add about your relationships? Whether it's your friendships, dating relationships that you saw, like, were affected by the, there was this little thing I didn't realize how big of a deal it was until I started dating someone in a very serious way. And I can see a serious future with holding hands. And the, and the reason was I never saw, I think I can count on one hand, the number of times I saw my parents hold hands. Yeah, exactly. And when I think about it, I'm like, man, that's when all the other functions are gone. When you can't be physically intimate with your partner. If you or your spouse, you can't have a conversation with them because maybe you're mentally, not there or you're sick and you can't kiss them. What's the one thing you can still do is hold hands and so never seeing that really growing up, I realized how, I mean, I'm also a physical touch person that's really important to me. So, seeing that that wasn't done and it's such a simple thing. And then when you see like old people holding hands, you're like, oh my gosh, they are just the cutest thing ever. Like you have to ask yourself, what is the reason I'm having that reaction to seeing some strangers hold hands or why do I find it so annoying? When I see a couple at a table who are just like following each other's hands, you're like, ok, guys eat your dinner, you know, but there's something really, I think there's something so powerful about that because I mean, our hands are very, very sensitive and we use them to speak, we use them to do day to day action. So we use, they're so profound. I mean, we wouldn't really be humans without our hands, you know, like obviously there's much more to that statement. This is just a very simple thing, but I didn't realize how important holding hands was until I met someone that I really, really want to spend a future with and thinking man, my favorite thing like when I and don't get to be around you, the one thing that I want to do is hold your hand and it's because I never saw it. And so I, I explained to him, you know, I really think the most important thing to me is to make sure that if we, if we're still together, if we get married, we have kids that we better hold hands, whether you are upset with me or not. If I reach for your hand and you deny holding my hand, like there will be hell fire running down. But I just think there's such importance in holding hands. Like because even if, even if kids are not comfortable hugging or they're not comfortable sitting next to you or they're not comfortable with any kind of physical touch. Generally, they might be ok with holding your hand. Like because it could be a safety thing like crossing the street. So they get used to holding your hand for some reason. So there's so much about holding hands that I think goes understated. Yeah. And I didn't realize that until I was an adult and then when I realized why it was, I realized I didn't see my parents hold hands. Yeah. OK. Now that makes so much sense. It's such a primal thing to I forget if this was in a talk or something. But when we're meeting someone for the first time too, you might have even taught me this. The, the act of like shaking a hand or showing your hands is actually on a subconscious level. Like we did have this conversation many, many years ago. It's like a signal of safety. It's like, oh, they don't have like a weapon again. It's like a primal thing, but they don't have a weapon in their hand. They're not trying to hurt me. They're giving their hand as like an extension of vulnerability and trust And so that makes sense. Why that would be that important to you? That's cool. Anything else that you would add about, kind of the impact on your relationships? I would say the intentionality of approaching relationships. So I'm just now entering into a relationship where I'm like, ok, I'm on my end. I'm like, 1000% positive. This is the person I want to marry and then having that hesitancy of, well, I've met lots of people who were wrong, who may have had that same thought. So how could this be different or how can I better prepare myself? Because, I mean, the last thing I want to do is think of what kind of letter would I write in an annulment to try like annulment process to say that I didn't know or that I wasn't prepared and I don't want to ever be in that position, you know, I mean, it's just, it's interesting because I, I mean, I didn't really know the annulment process until I met someone who had gone through it. And they had to have, they had to write their own witness statement, but they also had to have friends, either the person like the best man or someone at the wedding party or just someone who knew them intimately, they have to write in a statement as well to support that. Let's explain that a little bit for people who don't know what we're talking about. So, I annulment is saying that valid marriage was never, is it valid or sacramental marriage? Sacramental marriage was never created or I don't know what the right term there is. It never, it never take place. And so there was like an appearance, but there was some substance was missing, something was lacking essentially. And that's a longer conversation of like, well, what are the different property or what are the different things that need to be present? That's a separate conversation. But in this context, we're talking about, yeah, when you go through that process, you're essentially trying to explain why you think there were those things that were lacking that did not allow you to enter into a sacramental marriage. So that's what you're talking about when you're writing that statement. Yes. And I can't remember if it was in a movie or if I heard a story about some kind of mobster or gangster or something. I, I remember a story though that each time this person had gotten married that he would write a letter explaining that he really had no intention of being faithful, didn't want to marry this person, but wanted the appearance of it to be a sacramental. So they wrote a letter prior to the sacrament taking place so that when they wanted to get a divorce, they could because they had written this letter beforehand. And so I think that's kind of where I can't remember where this came from. But when I heard of that. I was like, man, it's that easy. It really is the intentionality of it. So I don't ever want to put myself into a position where I have to think back on a time that was positive because I don't think anyone really looks back at their, their wedding in that time of marriage prep thinking I should not get married. I mean, I think there are people and if that's the case, then there is grounds for annulment because obviously that is indicative of some kind of pressure or there was something withholding and not allowing them to express their full free will in that. And obviously, that's a condition for it. But thinking how, how best can I prepare myself for this to know that this is a good decision and not just a good decision, but a real decision, one that has firm grounding like I'm not just standing on sand. And so now like I'm going through a book that says, you know, 100 and one questions before you get engaged. And it's really because you've mentioned how helpful it's been. We've only gone through eight questions and we this has been weeks and the conversations end up being more than an hour multiple times. I've cried just because some of them are really difficult to have to think of because you have to, you're explaining things that you don't want to shed light on. But if you're going to be spending your life with someone. There's a lot of things you need to shed light on and to make sure that, you know, that you are entering in this with a full and free knowledge of someone and that's so difficult and, and I'm not sure that my parents had that at all. And so I think that's something that from seeing an unhealthy example of a marriage thinking how can I prevent that or guard, not prevent it, but guard myself against that. And I think a really good step to guard yourself against that is to do the really hard work before you initially say yes, I'll marry you. I love that. And it's really tough. Like we've only gone through eight questions and it's been like nine hours of us talking and like I said, I mean, it's, it's emotionally really good, but afterwards I feel so much better, like it's just, it's not a weight off my shoulders. It's not as if I'm withholding anything. It's just being intentional about the reason we're asking these questions is because we are discerning if we should get married or not. And so I think it's so important. So what are some examples of the questions just for anyone who's thinking like, yeah, I could really use that in my relationship. Like maybe they're in a dating relationship or maybe they even are engaged and they're trying to, you know, further decide discern is this really the right person for me because that really is what engagement is. It's a time of like further sermon. So I'm just curious. Yeah, what that book is like and what some of the questions are? Yeah, I'll just go through the first question was great because obviously it opens up a space for the further questions. The first question is what makes it easy for you to be vulnerable and open and what makes it difficult? Obviously, that's very intentional is the first question because you want to create a space where you are willing to be vulnerable and open. Because if you're not, then you shouldn't go through this book. Like if you can't create that or they can't provide that or they're not willing to work on providing that, then you've got a problem. Yeah. So if you can't make it through question one, you have got a problem like that's a big red flag right there. If you, if your answer is I'm not willing to be vulnerable in front of you, do not proceed until you, you address that. Um One that was very difficult for me. Uh Was the question, how do you maintain healthy interdependence? So I've been on my own for so long. I can move myself from house to house, all by myself. I can do fixing things around my house all by myself. I can do a budget all by myself. There's so many things that I'm completely capable as a human being to do all by myself and you just have the temperament to just being a very independent person like me, I, I've always, I've always had that. Like, if I see something that needs done, I'm just going to do it and even if I think someone else could help me with it, if I think it's going to take them longer to do it, I'd rather be more efficient and do it myself. So it's very tough to say, ok, how am I going to actually allow this person to enter into my world and me give up something and allow them to do something for me. Even, even like how I put groceries away in the refrigerator, the simple thing, you know, it's something simple or how I fold a towel. I'm so used to doing it the exact way I have done it for so many years. And now I'm going to not only give up that desire for how I've always done it, I'm going to allow someone else to do it for me or they're going to allow me to do something for them. Like the, the humbling aspect of that. I mean, it's even just ironing someone's shirt for them, you know, like everyone's capable, not everyone, I guess, I don't know that for a fact, but many people are capable of ironing their own things but allowing someone else to serve you in that way. And that's something that I think is very profound. I've always wanted and I have a very strong desire to serve others and act like act of service. I think it cannot be understood. I think it's a great thing and it's something we should all practice. Not because it's our love language just because we should do that. We should sacrifice that because it's, it's saying that you're worth my time, you're worth this effort. I think it's extremely important. So this question, I think we, I think we talked about this one question for two hours and I was bawling because I was like, I like, that's one thing I'm so petrified of is that I'm not going to know how to give something up even though I want to, I desperately want your help. I want you to be able to do these things for me because I want to be able to receive that love from you in that way. And it would be great. I'm just afraid that I'm not going to be willing to actually give it up to allow you to do that whether that's my pride or just anxiety popping up because it's something different and I have to get used to it. That was a really tough question. Yeah. No. That makes so much sense that I could see the, this book being a great conversation starter and it gets to the root of, you know, so many of those foundational things that you want to be on the same page. On when it comes to at least to know kind of what to expect moving forward. So, wow, I love that and I could see how that would be super, super helpful. So, anything else before? Yeah, I would say there's one more question, that's a beginning question that was really profound and I didn't limit it. I, when I read this, you'll know that there's a one specific sense of this statement, but I took it in a different direction. Obviously, that's just if there's one direction, I'm always going to go a different one. So what have you learned from previous relationships that will make you a better spouse uh for someone at this time? And so when we hear the word relationship, we're thinking romantic relationships, I didn't take it that way. I thought of how, what's my relationship as being a daughter? What's my relationship as being a sibling? What's my relationship as being a friend? What's my relationship as being, you know, beloved daughter of God? What have I learned from those relationships that make me a better person to make me a better spouse? And that was, I mean, that was tough, like just actually thinking and reflecting on that because I mean, like, yeah, I think it was so great. Yeah, I do, I do think I'm great. I think I'm a wonderful person. I think I'm a worthwhile person. But what has helped me to get there? And it is a very humbling experience to actually reflect on the ways you haven't been a great friend or you have missed opportunities to serve others. And so thinking of that and thinking, how has this made me a better person now, or how is it going to make me a better person in the future as someone's spouse? A tough question? That is a tough question. So good though. I'm glad you brought that up and I think it's an excellent resource for everyone listening, especially people who are entering or in a relationship to help, you know, further discern if this is something that could turn into marriage that could go down that road before we transitioned into talking about trauma. I'm curious, what were a few things, the two or three things that helped you cope with the pain that you were dealing with and also to heal? Like, what were some things that helped you cope and heal? I think first and foremost, not being in the environment. And I can't even say how it helped me because I have no idea what it was like because I wasn't there. But I can anticipate what it might have been like because I can reflect on what our family like was like when I was there. You know, the all the arguments and things like that and unhealthy behaviors and patterns not to say that there weren't some healthy ones too. Of course, there were. But I mean, we're kind of primarily looking at the ones that are more unhealthy. So I think the most powerful thing that was helpful was the fact that I was not physically there. And then I, where I was at college, I had, I had my faith community. I had my friends, I had sports, I had my classes, I had positive things that were actively engaging me instead. So I only had to really think about going home for the major holidays or for break and I imagine things probably would have turned out very, very differently if I had been there, if you were in the midst of it. Yeah. No, that makes sense. Um, and that's something that we recommend from time to time. If things are so intense and toxic at home, it's good to have a breather. It's good to have some space. It can, it can be very, very helpful in terms of, yeah, just helping you not be as emotionally distressed and maybe acting out in different ways trying to deal with the pain that you're experiencing. So I'm right there with you and I think even beyond that, uh, now that I think about it more, but if you really care about your Children, the way that you imagine yourself to care about your Children, if you're going through a divorce and there is no way for them to be physically somewhere else like they're not off to college, they are there making sure that they do have the positive relationships and positive outlets and that you encourage them to maintain their level of participation if not increase it. I think that's something to really think about. Obviously, I, I can't say one way or the other. Um, but I do think that would, I mean, it would only serve to help, you know, to make sure that you're encouraging and not, not limiting it because you're fighting or you're having a bad day. So you're just going to cancel a play date or cancel that sport or cancel that practice. You know, I think encouraging it more and making the effort more to ensure that they have all these, what we call protective factors in their life. Um So maintaining those, if not increasing them for your Children, that makes sense. Was there anything else that was healing for you? It was a long road of healing, you know. Yeah, there's, I would say it all comes for me personally, it all comes back to prayer. And I, during that time, I felt most at peace when I would be able to go to daily mass. I mean, we were very fortunate that the Franciscan University to be able to have three different masses to choose from. Now, it's four, I think masses to choose from on campus. So being able to just offer, I would go first thing in the morning. Um And I did that, I think the majority of the time I would I would go to usually would always for sure. It would always be lent. I would always make sure. Ok. No, this is, I have to go on them but then I would just continue it and it would just kind of just stuck. So then when I got back I'd be like, oh, I would just go anyways. Um, so at that time I hadn't always gone to adoration routinely, but I always went to mass. And so just having that, having that way to start my day and pray the rosary. I mean, I don't, there's no way we can understate that. I mean, it's the source and sum of our, our faith. So allowing yourself to be drawn in and, and knowing that you're not always going to feel good when you go, just the action of choosing to go, even when you feel like a wretch, even when you feel like there's no way that you could even force a smile from your face. Like the greatest effort you're making is getting yourself to get out of bed. You have to remember you by doing that. You're telling yourself more than you think, by choosing to get out of bed, by choosing to maintain your commitments, by choosing to engage in mass to, by choosing to engage in prayer. You are in a very real way telling yourself just how much you are worth it. And so when you had people in your life that maybe weren't telling you you were worth it or that's your perception of it, doing those little things for yourself or you might not be actively telling yourself you're worth it. But you really are in a behavior sense. Ok. Now, that makes sense. And that almost goes further than words for a lot of people at least, which I, which I like, I want to transition into trauma. I don't know, we don't have too much time left, but I'd love to know we've talked about trauma a bit on the show. But I'm curious, uh what's the definition of trauma that you uh for me, the definition of trauma is having something that stresses your resources beyond their capacity. So it could be because trauma can happen. I mean, usually we think of it in a negative sense like post traumatic stress disorder, we think of that, but in a, a lighter sense, it could happen when something really good happens. Like anything that really stresses all of your resources to the point where you do not have the mental, physical emotional resources to continue on at the, you know, maintaining the same level of behavior that you were the same level of competence that you were to me in that sense, it is a trauma. So it could come even from the birth up a new child, that's something that is so gloriously wonderful. But for that short period of time, it can also be very traumatic on us because it is pushing through every single resource you have. And if you don't have additional people to make up for the resources that you're now stressing like family or friends or community, then it can become a problem very quickly. But when you do have those and you're not stretching out every single resource you have till it's bare minimum or its absence, then you're just going to remember that time as, yeah, it was stress when it was hard but it, it was wonderful and I want to have another one. But when you don't have that, your idea is no, like having another one that, that becomes the most difficult thing that you don't want, you want to do. But at the same time, you don't because you know, the stress and the trauma that is going to bring you because your resources are just going to be blood dry again. Ok. That's super interesting. I've never heard anyone that it get a totally different, totally different one, but I think it becomes more applicable to many more things. I wouldn't, I would say my definition. There's definitely some capital t traumas that we would say. But I would say it really acknowledges a lot more of the lower case t traumas that we can experience throughout just day to day life. I'm not saying that it's gonna have a lasting impact, but I would say that I would qualify it as it was one, it does affect you. No, that makes sense. I want to go deep here. What happens inside our bodies, inside our brains when a traumatic event occurs. And I know it's a big conversation. But yeah, let's chip away at it. So, I mean, there's lots of different theories. I mean, essentially we engage in our fight or flight response. And so usually initially, we are startled by something that's the shock of what took place, the event itself and then we can go into our fight or flight and how someone's going to respond to that, it's everyone can be different. And many times we can be shocked, I think by how we react because we can say, you know, well, I always think I, you know, I would be someone who reacts this way if I was given that situation, that might not be the case. You know, it might take you actually being in that scenario to realize how you would respond and it could be completely different than your personality. I found that out the hard way when I had to go through my own trauma, I think, knowing, realizing that I'm a person who's probably going to freeze when everything about my personality, if you met me would tell you that I'm fighting 100%. And so, I mean, that was really even that in itself realizing that and reflecting and I was like, wow, that was in itself very traumatic and very hurtful. Like thinking, I actually for a period of time, thought less of myself because I was like, man, you rose, you didn't fight the way you thought you'd always fight and maybe because you, maybe you weren't capable, who knows? Like I don't, I can't completely say everything to that state, but all I know is that I, I totally froze and that was not, that's not who I am. That in day to day life, that's not who anyone would think I am. And so you learn a lot about yourself. So then after that, the fight or flight, then we have, you know, we, we can go into a freeze and then we have what we consider an altered state of consciousness. So that could be where they, you know, we could think of it as you're in shock or you have an out of body experience as if you are, you know, detached from yourself, watching it happen like you're a witness to it now, um that's a very common thing for people to report happening. And then after that, we, we kind of start to return. And during that also that altered state of consciousness or that out of body experience, you're really not aware or you may not be aware of the physical bodily sensations that are going on. Like you might not feel it like some people who don't realize that their limb was just cut off and they don't feel anything until they actually look at it and then it clicks with their mind that your arm is missing. You should feel extraordinary pain right now and they don't feel it until they actually look and acknowledge it because they're in such an altered state of consciousness that it takes them coming back down. And when they actually are in a place that self repair is the, is the very, what we consider the very end of it. When they start getting into that, they can act. That's when they'll start all the body sensations and thoughts come back and you could be capable of feeling. So between the out of body or the altered state of consciousness and repair, we can go into what we consider just an obedience state. And this, you see a lot with first responders, someone comes to rescue you, they give you directions and you're just going to blindly follow them. But this can be something that is for better or for worse. Uh because it could be someone who is harming you that you're now obedient to because you're just in that you're not fully capable of your own free will in a sense because you're just, you're not in your right mind and that's just a response from it. And until you're in a space where you can be safe, whether that's emotionally or mentally or physically, you're not gonna really get out of that, you're just gonna be listening to the directives that are given to you and God willing, it's going to be through someone who has your best interest and is there to protect you, like someone, you know, officials out of the police or fire department or, um, an EMT. And once you're able to do that, then you can kind of go into the, the self repair. But even the self repair doesn't always mean that it's gonna be positive. It can be something that, and I don't even really want to say negative. It could be something that is life impairing might be a better way of saying it. I mean, we could become more obsessive compulsive with things. I'd say that's probably a very common one. I, I saw that in my own life. That was definitely the path that my trauma took. I mean, it could be with how we eat, it could be with how we exercise. It could be with different addictions. I mean, usually it's very behavioral. That's, that is the one theme of the self is that if it's going to become an issue in how you live your life, it's going to usually come out in the behavior of some kind. And for me, it was definitely the obsessive compulsive of needing everything to be within my control because I wasn't in control and I had a sense of obeying someone that I did not want to because I froze because I wasn't able to fight or fight. And some of that and some of that, when you, when we say fight or flight, it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm physically fighting you or that I'm physically, you know, it could be that you're stuck and you freeze because you are physically not able to fight. I mean, and that's a very real thing that people need to acknowledge that sometimes we physically cannot fight and we physically cannot flee. And so our body just start, we just go into a freeze kind of state. So when we come out of it, our self repair could be that we are now in need of absolute control over every single piece of our life. And for me that could have, that came down to how I clean. It came down to how I organize things. It came down to how I put away silverware, it came down to how I fold things, how I organize my closet, everything had to be absolutely perfect. And if it wasn't, then I would get extremely frustrated and I would be easily become angry. Yeah. Um And I usually wouldn't be angry at myself like it would show up in some other relationship, like I would get set off by something little. But it's really because I couldn't keep this, this one thing to be exactly the way I wanted it to. It makes so much sense. And now I like how you said, the self repair is really just a way to kind of feel some level of normalcy back in your life or to get yourself out of a maybe super anxious or super depressive state, like an emotional equilibrium, which makes sense. And there's some really unhealthy behavior that actually does that. And so that's what you're saying, that it serves a purpose. We don't want to continue down that road, but it's there for a reason. And that's often what kind of brings us back to that. And you might not even recognize it. Like a lot of people with mine didn't recognize the obsessive and compulsive behaviors that I was doing. They just thought I was super organized and super on top of my life, like, like type a personality and really, no, my personality is, yes, I'm a very organized person. I prefer to have my life organized. I prefer to anticipate my day to day. Like, I prefer to anticipate three months from now, to be honest. But I can allow to have dishes pile up. I mean, usually not very much because I don't, I have a routine and a habit that I generally don't let that happen or I could go a day where I don't make my bed even though generally I usually do every morning. So it could be things that we see as good behaviors or good traits or things, you know, sense of perfection that we want. But it, it's, it's unhealthy because it was impairing my life that it was affecting how I saw the world. It was affecting how I was able to interact with other people because I couldn't do it. And that's, that's the thing to watch out for, for people. OK. That's good. All right. I want to explain and kind of this whole model one more time and we can use me as a guinea pig. OK. So, so I remember when my mom uh I talk about this sometimes on the show. So forgive me if this is repetitive for some of you listening. But I remember when my mom broke the news that they were, my parents were getting divorced, I was 11 and it was so shocking, like it literally shattered my world. It was really difficult to hear and all. Yeah, I remember that that sensation of like being startled, like kind of looking in disbelief at my mom. Like is this real, is this like actually happening? And then having the reaction of just like crying and, and feeling really angry kind of simultaneously? And so all I could do in that moment was flee. Actually, I remember, yeah, just going hiding in the closet to where like no one could find me. And I was just like kind of suddenly sobbing and just like really, really, really angry. Yeah, kind of like that. Maybe I don't know if that at that point, I was having the psychotic body experience, but I can see how these stages play out. So with that example, if you would kind of explain the model again to make it a little bit more concrete. Yeah. So in, in, in just hearing what you said, so obviously, the startle is very obvious when you hear the news and your fight or flight was very obvious when you said you went into a closet and you started crying with it. Um So the altered state of consciousness would come in or how we would in within this model describe based on the details, solely the details that you gave me. The question is this real that going through your mind and having that doubt and that would be considered for this model and altered state of consciousness that in in this therapeutic approach, we would address that would be what we used for the alternate of conscious. Is that just sense of gosh, how could this be real? How could this be my real life like that is alter state of conscious? Doesn't mean you have to be like hallucinating, you know, it doesn't have to mean anything like that. It could just be that, that sense of doubting the reality of the situation in a very simple way that makes sense. Now, for the sense of automatic obedience and the self repair, based on the details of the story provided, I wouldn't be able to say that this was, you know what that was what was going on. I imagine though that some of the body sensations or the attempt to self repair for you. If you were putting yourself in a closet away from other people crying, you probably, or may have very well had your arms wrapped around your knees rocking yourself as a way of attempting to comfort yourself within the tears. Yeah, that's what it was for sure. That's, that's something that we in an attempt. If you always grew up knowing that was a pattern of comfort for something that brought you comfort, then that very well could have been the self repair that you were attempting to self soothe. It may not have been what actually brought the repair and usually it isn't because it's, it can happen in a very all these things can happen in the span of five minutes or they could happen in the span of five years. We just never, you never know like someone could be um like there's people who are all of a sudden in a clinical sense they have are presenting with schizophrenia when really that's just an altered state of consciousness. And once the trauma is resolved, the schizophrenia may very well go away or diminish to a significant degree where it's no longer clinical, like clinically impairing their life. And schizophrenia again, just for this thing where you're going to be having disorganized thoughts, you might not even be able to string a sentence together in a way that's cognizant to other people. You probably will have either audio visual hallucinations, you may smell things that aren't there. You may have delusions, either of gran or you may think you're Jesus Christ, you may think that everyone is out to get you different things. So it's definitely you are out of touch with reality. I see kind of a break from reality. That makes sense, right? Which is why that would fall in some people who are just in an altered state of consciousness from a significant trauma may present with schizophrenia. Hm. Wow. Ok. I didn't know that that's profound and yeah, and that makes sense with the example I gave how maybe not all the stages are in there. But if I were to continue telling this story, I know for me, one of the things that I fell into which I've shared openly in this show was, um, yeah, pornography became kind of a self repair because it was a distraction. It was something that was brought relief. It brought pleasure, obviously, it brought, yeah, just kind of a way to like emotionally regulate. And so I can, I totally see that as an attempt to self repair as well. But yeah, I don't, I guess the obedience thing I didn't see as much or I'm having a hard time like putting my head around that one. It might not be that every single one of these the phases might not be present in every trauma, right? Or you might not even be able to identify them. You simply we don't always know. That makes sense. I can say I had kind of some weird situations where I've pulled up on like car accidents for some reason, like a good amount of them and try to help the people, like hop out and help. And in those moments you can tell, like people are like kind of during the headlights sort of look that startle and then yeah, they'll do anything you tell them at that point, like if you tell them to like, stop, if you tell them to get out, like whatever, it's, it is profound. So you can clearly see that like anyone who's ever been in that situation or maybe you've seen it on TV or something, you can see how, yeah, that obedience kicks in and hopefully it's with a person, like you said, who's trustworthy because then that's a really good thing. I doubt you could talk to any firefighter EMT or police officer that has not experienced that during, you know, approaching, um, some traumatic experience that someone is going through. Yeah. No, that makes so much sense. Anything else you doubt about the motto in terms of the phase, the phase in itself? No, it is a very, I would say it's a difficult model to go through. Uh So part of the premise is that it's not just discussing these different phases. So what we would have someone do is draw them out and that can be extremely difficult. I mean, not that it can be, it will be, it will be very difficult to do this. However, I have seen people who I had a client who every single minute of every single day was scheduled because she presented, she had sexual trauma for when she was less than two years old and she presented with significant O CD. And so to the point where she wouldn't even allow herself to go to the bathroom until it was time on her schedule for her to go to the bathroom. And so her day was so rigid because she lacked so much control in her life. And that's just how it presented. So it was extremely difficult. And I worked with her for a couple of years and we went through and by the grace of God, she was willing to give this a try no matter how difficult it was. And we went through and she drew out these different stages for different traumas. Then we put them up on a board and I retell the story back to them, but we tell it in a way that usually you put something over their eyes so that they can focus with just one eye. And so that that will help them see it in a different it, it changes your perspective. So it alters the way our brain takes in that information by kind of providing almost like a tunnel vision of it. And so it also provides detachment because when you look through a telescope, things can look, they look far away. They're not, they're not completely present to you. So it's you're telling the story back so that I'm an audience to my own story now. And by doing that, it allows us to close the story because generally what we're seeing is that these different mental health disorders are presenting because that story was not resolved. So when we're, when we're able to start a story and end the story or the trauma, we're able to resolve it mentally and they can file that away and put it away and not have to bring it back out unless they willingly want to and then they can move on with their life. And so this was, this was someone who from every minute being scheduled to not having to schedule anything and living her life freely being able to engage in relationships. I mean, it was a significant transformation but it was extremely hard. I mean, there were some days where even I didn't want to go through working through the therapy with her because it was, I could see it was such a struggle for her. But I also I didn't want to see it's not pleasant content, you know, asking someone to draw out some of the most disgusting things about human behavior and human corruption. It's tough. I mean, it's excruciating. Yeah, but knowing that it's also extremely humbling that this person trusted me so much to help them change their own life and to share their story. I mean, it's, it's, I think I'm one of the most humbling things to be a trauma therapist, I bet. Yeah. Wow. Profound. And that was my next question. Actually, some people I think, feel that healing isn't even possible that the hand they've been dealt in life is just what they have to deal with. They have to carry, carry on. They have to do the best they can that there's no way to really improve. It's just kind of get through survive and, and I get that, I get that feeling. But yeah, is it possible? I mean, you just said it is absolutely, it's not easy. It's possible. It is not easy for some, it will be easier than others. I think as long as you are seeing yourself as a victim and only a victim and you're putting yourself in that box or you're putting yourself in a box of just simply being a survivor when you make it too simple. But it's on the more negative side, you will struggle more significantly to improve or to get healthy again if you remove that and you allow yourself to see that. Yes, this happened to me. It does not define me. It is not happening again to me right now. And so I have today to make different choices and to make a different life for myself when you start that process. And you're open to it and you're willing to add a different adjective to your character or your identity that's not victim. And that's not simply Survivor. You open yourself to such a wide range of choices. And I think people, and it's scary. It's also, I mean, because in a sense you're shedding that, that old identity and that can be very scary for people to do because that's all you've known. That's all you in that sense of survival. That's all you've had to cling to, to just make it from day to day. But when we're willing and I'm not saying this is an overnight process or it's like a statement you make one minute and you're like at 12 o'clock, I'm no longer a survivor. 12 01. I'm moving forward with my life. This is something that happens over a year. Exactly. Exactly. Uh, there's no, there's no magic timeline and that, I think that is something that's most difficult for people to know that. And some people can do this on their own. I mean, I did not, I've been trained as a therapist. I did not go through therapy myself. And so in that sense, it took me many, many more years than it could have and I completely acknowledge that. But it was really my pride that was not willing to, I was not willing to humble myself. And so now that's what makes it so much more profound when people are willing to humble themselves to me because I'm like, wow, these people are superheroes like they are doing something that I was not even willing to do or that I could not bring myself to do. That's amazing. Yeah. So I think, I think healing is possible, moving forward is possible. It's extremely difficult work and it has to start with a decision to put 1 ft in front of the other and having a willingness to walk away from a past identity and find and forge a new one. Honestly, you have to forge a new one and realize that. I mean, I think you're a great person. I think you're a wonderful man and I would tell everyone. Oh, yeah, he's one of the best men I know. Like you guys really get to know Joey. Like he's so great. Like, but if I was to learn something about you at this point in time about your past that I didn't know it could be something that you did. That was terrible. It could be something that was terrible that happened to you. It could be something that was great. All I'm doing is learning new information about you. It doesn't change who you are, doesn't change what I think of you. I'm simply learning new information that I didn't have, but that goes into who you are today, but it's not you. It's something about you, but it's not you. And that's an extremely difficult thing to move forward from and, and, and I'm saying that from experience is that for a long time, I mean, I thought of myself as you know, I'm going to be in this box. I'm not, there's nothing I can do about it. And then I realized that I'm focusing on the wrong thing. Like, yes, this something happened to me, it was difficult, but there's so many other things in the world that I could do. I could choose, choose to go bowling to take bowling lessons and become a better bowler like something so simple, but it would help me improve myself and it would give me hope that I can get better. Like it doesn't have to start out with, with your emotional or psychological health. It could start off with something as simple as trying a new skill and just seeing yourself get better and seeing yourself dedicate that time. You're again, you're telling yourself that you're worth it. You're telling yourself that you can improve. You're telling yourself there is hope for something to get better and that you can take a pile of nothing or a pile of not so great things for not wanting to use other terms. But you're telling yourself that you, you can make yourself clean again, you can and if not, and if not clean again, you can tie dye yourself to be different and present. You know, you become renewed in that sense. And so in that sense, you are still cleaning for a bit. So, but it is tough. I won't lie. It is extremely difficult and it takes time and I think that's why most people don't do it. It's like those barriers that prevent them from doing it. But no, I've been through the therapy actually. And it is very helpful and I had worked through a lot of it on my own or with different therapists, not using that model. but going through it is very, very helpful. It opened my eyes to things that I never even saw that were there the whole time. And I was like, wow, that's like affecting me on a daily basis. But yeah, it's crazy how we kind of continue living out those stories even though they are years in the past. But like they feel in the moment like they're present, it's wild and so super, super helpful. I, I love how you mentioned like the whole victim mentality because that's something that's such a hot topic right now. And I think there's an important distinction that I just wanted to mention for everyone. There are like real victims. And I know you would agree with this victims of, you know, circumstances like they're in a situation and they're victimized and that's horrible and they deserve help. And there's a reason that they feel victimized. There's a reason that they are a victim and you know, you need to move through that and you need to grieve you need to do all that stuff, but you're not meant to remain a victim. And that's what I think is so toxic and so harmful in our culture right now. Is that so many people? I think all of us in one degree or another fall into this choose to remain victims. We choose to put ourselves in that box and then therefore we feel stuck, we can't heal, we can't grow or we feel we can't heal. We feel we can't grow and we're like unable to everything. We feel powerless. We maybe point at other people for our problems. And by definition, then if we're pointing at them for our problems, they must have the solution or so we think therefore, I can't do anything myself. And so one of the things I challenge the young people I mentor is OK, you might not have caused the problem, but you can take ownership of the solution and you can implement that in your life and you can grow beyond this. And so that whole idea of post traumatic growth is so real. And I've seen it like I'm preparing to talk right now on this topic and it's not fully ready. So I won't give you guys it. But there's insane stories of people. There's this one marine who um learned his story and he, I think Rob Jones is his name. If I'm getting that right. He fought in Afghanistan and Iraq and he was an expert at spotting roadside bombs, IE Ds and while he was sweeping for bombs at one point so his teams could like move through. Um he stepped on a bomb and it went off and he lost both his legs like he had to get him amputated above his knees. And for most people, like, you know, rightly so that is traumatizing. He is very much so a victim, but he just refused to remain a victim. And so what he did is he got into like the Paralympic Games and got like a bronze medal on the world stage. He was the first double amputee to ride across the country on a bike. He went through if I'm getting the numbers, right. He ran 31 marathons in 31 days in 31 different cities. Like it's profound. So I think people like that. It's incredible to look at and see, wow, maybe you don't need to go run 31 marathons without any legs. It's amazing. But certainly you can, you know, do other things that are going to help you to heal and to grow and to kind of push through that. So it's, it's amazing to see that, you know, we don't have to remain victims and maybe we were victims, but we don't have to remain victims. I would add one more thing to that. So when I also say victim, being a victim can be a state of fact, right? Maintaining a victim mentality is what is so harmful. If we think of Max Milling Colby, he was a victim. He certainly did not have a victim mentality. He maintained his ability to serve others and not despair. He could have chosen differently, but he didn't, but he was a victim. But he did not maintain the victim mentality. And the victim mentality is when you combine the two of them, that is what becomes so harmful. That makes sense. And the story we're talking about Max Mill and Kobe, the quick version is he was a Polish priest who was locked up in a Nazi concentration camp in Auschwitz. And one night, some prisoners escaped. And the Nazis being who they were chose to I think kill 10 men if I'm remembering the story right, randomly as a punishment for those men escaping. And there was one man uh French France, Francis guy, I think his name. And anyway, he had a family, he had a wife, he had Children and he was just like broke down crying that he was going to be killed. And so Maxim and Kobe, this priest who again, very much so a victim by circumstance, he actually stepped out of line, which in itself was just like incredibly brave thing to do because they could have just killed him on the spot. He stepped out of line to offer his life in exchange. And the Nazi officers were so shocked by this that they actually honored his wish they didn't kill the guy who they could have, they could have just said, oh, you want to die? Ok, great. We're gonna do 11 instead of 10. Um They actually allowed that other man to not be killed and he actually got out of the concentration camp years later and was able to reunite with his family on some level. And um and then Max Million was killed. And so it's a profound story of like going rising above that, you know, victim circumstance and escaping and overcoming the victim mentality. So it's a beautiful story as well. Patty, thank you so much for coming on the show. I want to do this. Yeah. And it's been a long time coming and I want to give you the final word. What words of encouragement would you give to someone who, who feels broken, who feels stuck in life because of everything they've been through, especially if their parents got divorced or there's slaughter dysfunction at home, what encouragement would you give them? And the task is not knowing what to say. It's annoying. Which one you know to go go to. I would say you, you are worth it. So the boundaries that you want to set up for yourself, your healthy boundaries with your parents, with your family, they are worth it and they do need to be protected. And in the sense that I say that I very early on told my parents that I was not to be a go between that I was not going to say, oh, tell them this or tell them they owe me this or bring them this paperwork. Shutting that down. You are worth that as difficult as it is to tell that to a parent, you are worth it and you will be better for doing it, not allowing your parent to or both of them could be one could be both to not talk negatively about the other one in your presence, whether it's directly to you or to one of their friends or to a stranger, putting your foot down for those things because you don't want that to happen. You are worth it. So those healthy, healthy boundaries for you to have put your foot down as strong as you can and, and voice, you don't even have to voice your concern. You just say no, you need to stop doing this because it's not OK. I will not allow it. You are worth it. So many great lessons from Patty's expertise in her story. And if you'd like to share your story with us, we'd love to hear it. There's three easy steps to do that. But first, some of the benefits of sharing your story, reflecting on your story is actually healing on a neural biological level. It makes your brain healthier and writing your story also is healing studies have shown that people who write about emotionally significant events in their lives are less depressed, less anxious, healthier. And also it gives guidance and hope to people who are struggling too. So how do you do? It? Just go to restored ministry dot com slash story. There's a form on that page that guide you in telling a short version of your story and then we'll take that and turn it into an anonymous blog article. And so go ahead and share your story now at restored ministry dot com slash story, as discussed in the interview, one tactic to heal is actually find someone who can guide you. That's where a counselor coach or spiritual director can come in. But often it's difficult and time consuming to find someone like that. Thankfully, at Restored, we're building a network of counselors and coaches and spiritual directors that we vet that we trust that we recommend. And by using our network, it's just going to save you a lot of time and effort in searching for a counselor coach or spiritual director. You also find a competent professional that we, again, we've vetted, we trust and recommend. And so how do you make use of that? Just go to restored ministry dot com slash coaching. Fill out the form. It should take about 60 seconds and then we'll contact you once we find a counselor coach or spiritual director, uh, that we recommend at the moment we're still building this list. Uh So if you want to jump on the waitlist, I invite you to go to restored ministry dot com slash coaching. But you might be listening to this at a later date and so it might be fully ready at that point again, go to restored ministry dot com slash coaching or just click on the link in the show notes that wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents, divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them seriously, It takes about 30 seconds to just message them this episode or another episode that you think would be helpful for them. And in closing, always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life. And keep in mind the words of CS Lewis who said you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

#102: Healing Sexual Brokenness: Your Sexual Brokenness Isn’t Random | Jay Stringer

What if I told you that your sexual struggles could be predicted by your untreated trauma?

Today, we’re joined by author Jay Stringer who studied ~4,000 men and women who struggle with sexual compulsion or addiction, such porn, masturbation, affairs, buying sex, and much more. 

In this episode, we breakdown his NEW study and more:

• How the sexual fantasies and porn searches of the study participants could be predicted by their untreated trauma

• Why we often repeat behavior that harmed us, such as sexual abuse or affairs, and how to avoid that

• How anger actually drives unwanted sexual behavior

• Why people from rigid or disengaged families are much more likely to struggle with sexual compulsion or addiction

• How in order to break free, you have to listen to your lust and understand why you struggle in the particular ways that you do

• Why typical lust management strategies like accountability software are not enough

Whether you struggle with sexual brokenness or know someone who does, this episode will help anyone find healing and lasting freedom from sexual brokenness.

Buy Jay’s Book: Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing

Get FREE Unwanted Chapters

Get FREE Mini-Course: Why You Feel Broken

Links & Resources

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• Jay Stringer

  • Website

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• Books

  • The Body Keeps the Score | Bessel van der Kolk M.D.

  • The Myth of Normal | Gabor Maté MD

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TRANSCRIPT

Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!

What if I told you that your sexual struggles could actually be predicted by the untreated trauma that you've endured in your life. Would you want to know more about that? If so this episode is for you, that insight actually comes from the book, unwanted. How sexual Brokenness reveals our way to healing in which the author says this. He says, I'm asking you to consider the possibility that your sexual struggle is not random. Today, I speak to that author, Jay Stringer who studied almost 4000 men and women who struggle with sexual compulsion or addiction such as porn, masturbation affairs, buying sex. And more in this episode, we break down that new study and more like I mentioned, we talk about how the sexual fantasies and porn searches of the study participants could actually be predicted by the untreated trauma they endured. Why we often repeat behavior that harmed us such as sexual abuse or affairs and how you can avoid that. How anger actually drives unwanted sexual behavior. Really, really interesting stuff. Why people from rigid or disengaged families are much more likely to struggle with sexual compulsion or addiction. How in order to break free. You have to listen to your lust and understand why you struggle in the particular ways that you do. And finally why typical lust management strategies like accountability software are actually not enough, whether you struggle with sexual Brokenness or you know, someone who does this episode will help anyone find healing and lasting freedom from sexual Brokenness. So keep listening, welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents', divorce, separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again and break the cycle. I'm your host, Joey Panelli. This is episode 102. This episode is actually part four of our series called Healing Sexual Brokenness on the show. You know that we feature stories and expert interviews about how to heal from the trauma of your parents', divorce and broken family or how to navigate the pain and the problems that stem from it. One of the biggest problems that often stems from your family's breakdown is unwanted sexual behavior like pornography, masturbation, hookup, culture, paying for sex and fidelity and so much more. In fact, one expert found that almost 90% of those who struggle with sexual addiction come from a broken family. In this series, you'll get tactics and resources to overcome unwanted sexual behavior so you can find freedom, little trigger warning. This is obviously a mature topic. So we recommend putting in earphones or at least not listening around Children with that. My guest today is Jay Stringer. Stringer is best known for helping both men and women find freedom from sexual Brokenness and pursue the life. They truly desire a licensed mental health counselor, an ordained minister and an acclaimed international speaker. Jay provides a safe and supportive environment for individuals seeking to address unwanted sexual behavior. Now, based in New York City, Jay has spent more than a decade at the forefront of combating the demand for sexual exploitation and porn geography. Through his clinical work, he offers a comprehensive understanding of the origins of sexual Brokenness, shedding light on the factors that sustain these struggles. Jay's award winning book, Unwanted is the culmination of an extensive research project that delves into the stories of 3800 men and women. That book has sold more than 100,000 copies and has widely been embraced by counselors, churches and small groups globally affirming its impact and relevance. I'm so excited for you to learn from Jay. So here's our conversation, Jay. Welcome to the show, Joe. Thank you for having me. It's an honor to be here starting out. I just want to say you are the freaking man. I just love everything you're doing. I have so much respect and admiration for you. I found your content so helpful. So thank you so much. I look up to you a lot. I'm honored to have you here. Thank you for reading the book and sharing it with others. So I have so many questions for you and uh so we'll just go, go at them. But uh starting out, I'm just curious, what do you care about, about this so much? Why do you care about this problem? Why do you care about people who struggle with unwanted sexual behavior? You know, one of the first stories that comes to mind is, uh I went through graduate school, got my master's in counseling psychology when I was probably in my mid twenties. And my grandfather whose name was Elmer died when I was about 25 26 years old. And I went to his funeral in sort of the North Florida area. And I remember being in his funeral and not sure if you've ever had this sense, but like the sadness that I felt was not so much that he had passed away, but far more the reality that I never knew this man in his life. Like we knew some of the cover stories, some of the big stories of his life, the headline stories, but we never really, I never really knew uh the man. And so I remember flying back across the country from Florida, back to Seattle where I was in grad school at the time and just having this kind of inner defiance rise up within me of, I need to understand my, my story, I need to understand who these major characters are and I need to get to know my grandmother. So the first one up on that docket was my grandmother, Dorothy, who was my dad's mom. And uh you know, long story I could share about her, but I always referred to her as just like a cold steel door of emotion. Like I have a memory of being eight years old. And she had called our house middle of January. And she had said, uh, you know, are your parents there? I said no. And I said, can I take a message for them? And she said, yeah, if you could just let your parents know that I was quite disappointed by what your family gave me for Christmas this year. I don't know, she's probably in her mid seventies or something at that point. And I'm like, I'm not even allowed to say that. Um And so that was the challenge with Dorothy. But I took her out to a cafe on her 90th birthday, went and got the skeleton keys that I wanted to represent the era of her birth year. So they were keys from like 1916, 17, 18, somewhere in that range, took her out to a cafe. I gave her these keys and I said, grandma, these three keys symbolize three lunches that I wanna take you out to, to learn more about your life. And you know, most grandmothers would be deeply touched by an expression like that. But my grandmother was horrified and five seconds passes, 10 seconds passes she says nothing. Uh eventually she looks back up at me and passes the box back across the table and says, Jay, there are some doors you just don't open. There are some stories you just don't tell. And that was probably what sealed the deal for me to become a psychotherapist is, you know, there are stories that so many of us have that we are too ashamed to tell and then you get closer to those stories and that's where shame defensiveness, blame really begin to rise. And so I think that was really the beginning of i it's not just me that has a story of secrecy and silence and judgment, not just my father, probably not just my grandmother, but many generations. And so part of what we found out about my grandmother was she was likely sexually assaulted by a family member sometime in her mid teens. And that was a story that she was never able to share with any of her friends with any of the religious communities that she was part of. And I've wondered so much since that day, you know, how her life, how my father's life, how my life would have been different if she had had a context to share some of the sexual stories that she was part of in life. And so I think, you know, I have my own history with pornography use and struggles. Uh But I think far more than that, it's a sense of like this is the story that shame narrates in our life has an impact over many, many generations. And again, just that inner sense of defiance of, I don't want sexual shame and stigma to have the last word in an individual's life. Much less many generations from now. So that was kind of the impetus to write. The book is as a therapist, seeing a lot of people struggling with infidelity pornography use and yet most of the resources that were out there were kind of like lust or symptom management of kind of bounce your eyes, put some internet monitoring on your computer or try and just militantly fight it or on the other side would just be like this is just a common issue that everybody faces. So don't try too hard to fight it because it's completely normal. And so I think just that sense of either lust management or just shame management. Those are the two primary ways that I, I see society trying to address these problems. And so that was the decision that I had to do some research of like, what could we find out about the key drivers that are influencing people to use these behaviors and pursue these choices rather than just stigmatizing or normalizing them. So good. And thanks for sharing. So vulnerably. Yeah, I I'm so excited to get into the study. So you studied a little under four 1000 men and women who struggle with unwanted sexual behavior. He also did a bunch of robust data analysis on those findings if you would break down that study and how it was done. Uh So we, we designed a research instrument that basically looked at, you know, we looked at attachment theory like what was people's attachment like to their mothers and fathers? Were their family systems very rigid, disengaged or very emotionally enmeshed. And then we looked at what are called adverse childhood experiences. And those are the kind of the big tea and little tea traumas that we all go through anything from bullying to sexual abuse to kind of uh issues of abandonment and neglect. And then we looked at what were people dealing with in the present? From depression anxiety, uh a lack of purpose in their life and all of that has kind of been researched before. But the really fascinating and slightly maybe even intrusive thing that we did was we asked people to share, not just do they look, get porn, but what are the things that they go to the internet for? Like, what are the search terms? And so several of the major porn sites would publish, you know, the top 10, top 20 search board terms on the internet in terms of porn. So we took, I believe it was like 10 or 15 of the number, the top 15 searches that were out on the internet. And we just were like, what if we put that in the instrument as well. And we had a team at New York University handle some of the analytics with it because I don't have my background or phd and analytics, not smart enough or have the patience for that level of TDO and boredom and expertise. But uh that's what we did. We put all that together like family story, uh role that you played in your family, current problems that you're facing and what's known as the arousal template, which is kind of a constellation of thoughts, images, sensations, fantasies that bring sexual arousal to someone. And we were just really curious what we would find and that was what the data came back is if I were to say like the thesis of my work in that book, unwanted would be that, you know, sexual problems are not a life sentence to sexual shame or stigma. They're a road map to healing and growth. And so we found that sexual fantasies that people were troubled by or wanted to outgrow uh were not random at all. Uh They were actually a direct reflection of the unaddressed issues of their life. And so that's the premise of the work that I do with people is, you know, let's put the problem in the foreground. Let's get really curious about where it comes from, why it might be manifesting in this way and begin to break those things down so that we can understand what driving it. And so we can learn how to heal and then also how to outgrow it so good. And I've read a good amount on this topic, especially just in my past, having struggled with pornography and other un monos behavior and your book is just so revolutionary. There's nothing like it. And, and so that's why I wanted to talk to you. And that's why I, I love the book and I recommend it wherever I go. On. That last note that you mentioned about, um, you know, studying the specifics of people's struggle. I was really blown away about how the sexual fantasies and how the even the porn searches of the individuals in the study, like you said, could actually be predicted by their past untreated trauma. Would you go deeper into that? So, yeah, so a couple, you know, these would be more softball tosses, but I think they're good to be able to understand and break down a little bit. So we looked at, ok, let's say that you were a man and you were drawn towards kind of themes of college or teen porn or maybe you wanted to see someone that was, had a more petite body type or a race that suggested to you some level of subservience. Uh We wanted to see what was driving that and we found that the three primary drivers of that were a very rigid father growing up, a lack of purpose in their life and high levels of shame. So if we were to just play armchair psychologists, just for a moment, if you're growing up with a father who tends to be very authoritarian, very rigid part of what you experience in life is a level of powerlessness, right? So he has all the power, he makes the rules, he has the regulations and he might rule with an iron fist or it just might be like a look that can really shame you into compliance. So when you're growing up in that family, you're gonna feel powerlessness, but also probably some level of humiliation under his reign. So we have that unaddressed story, which how do you talk to your dad about that? You can't, how do you talk to friends about that? You usually don't, but that that issue has to go somewhere. So then this person grows up into someone who's trying to get their career started, but has all this unaddressed family of origin stuff that they've never addressed. And so then they feel a lack of purpose in their life. And one of the things we found in the research was that if the man is struggling with the lack of purpose, meaning he looked back over the course of his life and saw a lot of failure. He felt just a sense of being stymied or stuck with making any movement in his career. He was seven times more likely to increase his involvement in porn compared to those who had, uh, a really solid sense of purpose in their life. So we have this story that begins in childhood where you're, you have no power and then you grow up into a man and you feel like you don't have any power in your life. Well, that's one of the primary allures to pornography is not just lust or fantasy. It's a level of power that for, you know, nine minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes you can get exactly what you want, see exactly what you want to see and you feel like you have power and autonomy over your life. And that's a rare experience for someone like that. So as you can see if you're only trying to fight to stop using porn, but you're not fighting to discover purpose or you're not fighting to heal some of those wounds that your father afflicted you with your struggle with porn is going to remain. And so I think that's the key insight is instead of just trying to fight and unwanted behavior, go back to fight to discover the meaning embedded within it. And if we can heal that and outgrow it, then we have a really solid chance of not just like being free from porn, but far more making movement and finding flourishing in life and living a life of meaning. Precisely. There's so much more there than just, yeah, like the absence of pornography. I hope people don't misconstrue this whole series that we're doing on healing sexual Brokenness, like there's something so good on the other side. And so I love that you're, you're mentioning this. I, on a similar note, I'm fascinated, especially given that we're serving, you know, teenagers and young adults who come from what we call broken families where there's divorce, separation or just a lot of dysfunction. We're fascinated by this idea of repetition, compulsion. We don't talk about that a lot in the show. But this idea of how you might repeat behavior that you even despise. That's my understanding of it at least. And so an example that I often give is like a girl who maybe grew up with an abusive father who ends up marrying an abusive husband, even though she swore she would never do that. And so more particularly for my audience, so many of us come from families where mom or dad cheated on the other and now they're terrified of repeating that in their own relationship. Yeah. So two questions on this. Why has that happened? Like, why do we repeat these behaviors, especially in this sexual context? And perhaps more importantly, how do we avoid that? Let me address like, how do we avoid it first? And then let's go back. So there's this great quote from a guy named Richard Rohr who says the pain that we do not transform, we transmit always someone else has to suffer because I don't know how to. So uh that's what's happening intergenerational is that we have all this pain uh that a lot of us have not always been able to transform. And if we don't transform that pain, we are going to transmit it onto the next generation. And so how do we transform pain? I would say it's a matter of finding grief and finding anger. So grief is that sense of it when you're staring down the Brokenness of many generations, like, you know, the story that I shared about my grandmother when I'm dealing with my own compulsion for secrecy and shame, you know, I can either choose to try and hide that or I can try and will my way through it or I can begin to allow tears to fall with regard to. This has been a deeply broken sexual story in my family for generations, right? And so the only I think real appropriate response to that is a level of grief, but also the other side to that is a level of anger of I don't want trauma to win in my life or my kid's life. And so if we can kind of hold that razor's edge of, sometimes we need grief for some of the tragedies and heartaches that we have known. But also we need a level of anger and defiance to say like no more. Uh this is not going to continue in my family. So any of my clients that I see that are able to hold that paradox of grief and anger end up transforming their lives. So that's how we get out of it. Why does that happen? Uh We are learning more and more and more every day about why this happens. So, one of the fascinating studies uh that's been not just studies but field of studies would be epigenetics and that's the study of gene expression. And so they have done studies with uh something like water fleas. So water fleas that are exposed to a predator, they will give birth to other water fleas that are born with a helmeted or horned head. And that will remain on the water fleas for subsequent generations until the threat is removed from the water. So that's just microscopic water fleas right born with helmeted heads because of the trauma in the water. So if that's happening with water fleas, how much more is that happening with family systems? How much more is that happening with your sexual story? So, epigenetics, I think begins to answer some of that, some of the other things that we know. Uh and this would just be an adage in psychology would be uh we go to people that are familiar to us because they are familial. And so that sense of if you are used to a particular man or woman or archetype in your family, that might be compulsive or uh using substances or having a secretive life that gets coded in your neuros systems, neurobiology is like, this is just a normal person to be around. And so the people that you feel comfortable with later on in life will probably end up resembling what your body has known. And so just that sense of that's part of the repetition. Uh but the other thing I would say, and then I'll pause to see if there's any clarification would be it. You know, all of us that are growing up in these types of home have endured some level of trauma and trauma according to people like Gabor mate and Peter Levine would say that trauma is not just something that happens to us. Trauma is also what happens inside of us in the absence of an empathetic witness. And so just that sense of when the divorce occurred, when the alcoholism occurred, when there was some level of Brokenness, it wasn't just that that event occurred. The bigger question is who held your tears? Who held your rage? Uh who held your face in the midst of a family system breaking down? And if you didn't have someone that offered a face that was able to bear witness to what you went through, you have unaddressed trauma in your life and what's the impact of unaddressed trauma? Uh Three things we have fragmentation. Number one, number two would be a sense of the need to numb. And then the third would be isolation. So, fragmentation, numbing and isolation. So, fragmentation is just that sense of uh when the story is broken. When the family is broken, there's not solid ground to stand on. There is difficulty. We don't know where to go. We don't know what tomorrow looks like. We don't know what five years looks like. And so there's just a sense of how is a nine year old girl supposed to hold the reality of a family imploding or blowing up due to some particular issue where you can't. So you go from this sense of profound fragmentation of life into the need to numb and why do we numb? Well, because the pain of what we are experiencing is far too much. And so that could be finding porn is a great numbing agent, promiscuity. Uh Hooking up with people could be a great numbing agent. Uh Alcoholism, just a lot of substances or screen time can all help us numb and dissociate from the pain that we're experiencing. But then after fragmentation, after you've found kind of the go to numbing device, uh you will inevitably end up in some level of isolation from what you're experiencing. So the shame of what numbing you chose or just the reality that you don't have a lot of people in your life that are able to bear with to what you went through. You end up highly isolated in life. And that's the story that gets repeated over and over again is that we feel fragmented in our adult life. It's too painful to deal with our own family or our own career. So then we find things to numb out with and then we eventually feel isolated and then we're like, dang it. Uh I'm right back to where my family was. Why am I so screwed up? What's wrong with me? My whole family is messed up. I'm messed up. And then that's really where that sense of shame solidifies in our life. Wow. I know that's a lot. No, it's amazing. Generational trauma. But that's, that's how we heal. But also that's why it keeps happening. No, this is so relevant to our audience. And I'd invite everyone listening to actually rewind and listen to that section again because there's so much there. It's so dense. It's so rich. It's so good and there's so much I want to say, but I can relate on such a deep level to everything that you said. So I was 11 when my parents separated and that just shattered my world. Uh They later got divorced and it was just really difficult. And one of the ways that I numbed was pornography. A friend of mine introduced me to it and, um, fell into that habit. Thankfully, I was able to get it out of my life, but it was, um, certainly some an escape, a distraction from the pain in my life. That was just too much to deal with that sense of feeling just broken or fragmented like you said, I, I felt that palpably Jay, like it was palpable through high school into college. It was like, man, I just, I feel so broken. I know I need to heal and I just had no idea how to go about that, which is actually why this ministry exists because I don't want other young people going through the same thing like they deserve better. Um Another thing that you mentioned was just like going to what's familiar. So I've seen this a lot and the young people that I work with, especially when it comes to relationships. It's like, yeah, we, we end up kind of back with people who treat it as similar as our family. Like you said, even to the point that we've noticed that even to the point that healthy relationships feel boring, like they literally feel like uninteresting because we're looking for drama, we're looking for dysfunction and the lack of it seems like this might be isn't the right thing and, and that is just mind blowing as well, so, so much to say there. But thank you for going through it and just want to give you a chance to comment on any of that. Yeah, it's heartbreaking to see these patterns be repeated. But I think that that there's yeah, there's so much in there for healing and growth and I think that's, I mean, that's what we talking about is like there are so many things in our present life that do need to be addressed, that we do need to heal, that we do need to outgrow. But if you are engaging that issue with a level of contempt, like how could I be so stupid or what's wrong with me? Uh You're not going to heal or grow and so growth and healing require a level of curiosity and kindness. And that's what we're getting at is, can you at least be curious about why you might be drawn to the partner that you're drawn to? Can you be kind to the reality that you have an unaddressed sexual struggle uh that you don't know what to do with and most of your efforts to change that uh have actually, you know, thickened the plot. And, and I think again, if we can hold that razor's edge between, how can I be curious, how can I be kind? But also I have a lot of integrity with regard to, I don't want this to, to ruin my relationships. And I don't want this to rob my experience of joy in life. That's really where change will begin to unfold. Makes so much sense. I, I think one of the struggles for this audience in particular coming from these divorced families especially is that so often um because divorce is so common, it becomes so normalized, it's not even called the trauma. So that point that you mentioned about isolation people, I can't tell you today, like how many people we've heard who reach out and say, like I just feel so validated, listening to interviews like this, hearing the experts, like you on the show talk about this stuff because it's just so freeing. And um one other thing I wanted to mention on repetition, compulsion was, um I've noticed and I've heard this from other psychologists as well that you so sometimes kind of go down that path of that unhealthy behavior that you observed growing up almost in an attempt to rewrite the ending of the story. It's like, well, you know, dad or mom cheated on the other. If I maybe start going down that path, I can end it in a way that I wanted them to do that. But uh any final thoughts on that before we move on. Yeah, I mean, there's so much there. Uh one thing that I was thinking about when you were talking uh would just be like we have to think about this in terms of attachment as well. So like when you know, when you, when there's a divorce that happens, your attachments are severed. And so that you found porn at a point where your attachments were severed, that's the work that we want people to be doing is, you know, how have these broken attachments with a mom or a dad actually? Like where is that playing itself out? And for a lot of people, they begin to kind of get a sense of I would never felt attached to my mom or my dad. But that first time that they experience porn or that first time that they uh took a substance, it was like a warm hug that they had never had before. And so that, I mean, I think just even that language would be just really important to understand your attachment. So the point that you were making with regard to people feeling validated and listening to your podcast, um a a little bit bit of kind of neuroscience on that and brain neuroscience, I guess as well would be we have something in the left uh prefrontal lobe called Broca's area. And Broca's area is what's responsible for speech. And so any time that there is a trauma, Broca's area goes offline and so you may have even had that experience in your adolescence or childhood where you know, the divorce happened or something rocked your family and then people are like, how are you? And it's just an aggravating awful question because you're like, I don't know what to say to this. It's like I have no freaking words for what I have been through. I don't know how I talk about any of this kind of stuff. Well, why is that? It's not because you're dumb. It's not because you're stupid and just can't articulate something. It is a form of trauma where Broca's area goes offline. And so again, back to the empathetic witness, but also Brene Brown talks about this in her newest book, she quotes a German philosopher who says that the limits of my language are the limits of my world. And so that's part of what this podcast is doing and what you're doing is you're expanding people's language, which is expanding their world, which is helping them make sense of what they have been through. And so that's where, you know, having an empathetic witness, but also a podcast or just any language that helps people name what they've never been able to name before. Uh group therapy, really important for people coming out of these types of family systems as well because you get to hear other people's experience and you're like, yeah, I had that experience as well like, yeah, moving schools or the shame in my community or you know, how do I deal with the relief of it was really good to get that narcissistic man or what and out of the house. Uh So grateful I can kind of date my life before my mom left and then after she left because it got so much better for me. So we just never quite know in sharing our stories with one another. Uh what's gonna resonate and then what's going to help us develop and cultivate our language for what we've lived through? Wow, so good. And I appreciate all that. If people want to learn more about the neurobiology, neuroscience, are there any books that you recommend starting with because I could tell this is so relevant to our audience. Yeah, I mean, a lot of the, I I would say the body keeps the score by Bessel Van Der Kolk is a great um initial read. If people haven't read it, it's just, I think it breaks down pretty complex uh neuroscience and just the understanding of a lot of what we're talking about, of how does how does the body keep the score from what we have been through? So I would say go there first and then Gabor Mate, uh the myth of normal dives into some of that as well. So there's a lot more neuroscience coming out around all this. But I would say start with Bessel Van Der Kolk or Gara mate. Thanks for that. And I know everyone will, will love hearing that if you were to add anything. Like let's say you were to sit down with a young person. You already said so much. I think that applies to this. But let's say if you're going to sit down with the young person to have that difficult conversation with them about, yeah, just them wrestling with, dealing with their mom and their dad cheating on the other. Would you add anything to what you've already said if you were to again sit across from them and just help them wrestle with that? Mhm. Well, I think it's like the, what's the meaning that they made out of the affair. Right. So, um that's just really important to get a sense of, you know, were there details that they were privy to that, you know, sometimes it was a sense of, it wasn't just the detail of the affair, but they had some sense that their mom or their dad lacked integrity in other areas of their life as well. So, were they brought in, you know, there's just, there's so many different ways that this could play out within a family. So some families, it could be, I, you know, my dad was always traveling and on business and so it, it was never a surprise that he had something of a hidden life or it could be that some parents bring their Children into some of the drama and some of the love affair of what they are developing. So there's this sense of, you know, what did your parent ask you to hold? Was it more emotionally and mesh leading up to that affair? Or was there just more neglect and abandonment? And then that usually has implications from there of kind of what I would follow. So those issue, those questions that you're asking are so good Joey, but it's also, it's so contextual to, yeah, what's the family system like? And you know, all of us have, even though my dad's name is John and my mom's name is Beth. I have a different relationship to my mom than any of my siblings. Uh they have a different relationship to my mom than any of us. So even though we have the same mom, each of us have different mothers. We have different fathers. And so uh that's usually the work of therapy is to kind of get a sense of who was your mother father to you, but also who were they to you as well? Love that. And I think it's an important reminder that there's not just like this one size fits all five step plan to heal anything in your life. Like it is so contextual, like you said, it is so personal and I think it is that way for a reason because like you said, healing happens in relationships. And so, well, that's a relationship with a therapist, a friend, a mentor. We really need people to go into that depth, into the darkness, into the Brokenness with us. In order to come out the other side, we really can't do it alone. And for someone like me who's just like, I've noticed this a lot with our audience too. Like we developed this sort of fierce independence because we felt like, well, you know, I can't really rely on mom and dad, like they're so busy, boring with each other that I kind of have to learn how to stand on my own 2 ft. And then we carry this Brokenness with us through life and these unwanted behaviors. And it's like, man, I really want to get these out of my life. But I have this tendency to just rely on no one just to rely on myself to have this first independence and it puts you in a really tough spot. Yeah. So two things there, part of what we're talking about is the role that each person developed within their family system and you've got to understand your role. So for some people there is that approach of, I can't rely on anyone from here on out. And then yes, you develop a life of a lot of secretive behaviors because you're trying to make your life work outside of the context of relationship. And so that's, you know, the work of healing is to be able to say, I bless that boy, that girl that figured out a way to get through life through being fiercely independent. But then usually at some point in your thirties or forties, there's usually going to be a crisis of the person that you became in response to your trauma is now causing new problems. And so that's always the paradox of this work is let's bless that adolescent, that young adult that learned a way of life to help them survive. But anything that we begin to lean on in the aftermath of trauma will inevitably create problems for us later on in life. And we've got to address that. So that's one role, another role might be, you know, it's the, the son or the daughter who their mother or father never got the therapy or the friendship that they needed in the aftermath of the trauma. And so that child feels like I can't really go off to live my own independent life because I need to kind of tend to my mother or to my father because if I don't, I am something of their lifeline. And so it's that sense of the umbilical cord is still connected to your mother because you feel that sense of if I go off and live my own life, she's gonna be alone. And so I will sacrifice some of my desires and some of my independence. Uh so that she doesn't have to face some of this loneliness. And so then you try and get married, maybe you do get married and then there's this fierce loyalty of like, you know, my spouse wants me to be doing this, but then I really need to go on vacation or at least make a family visit to my grandmother or, or to my mom or to my dad. And again, what is that exposing? It's exposing the role that you learned how to play in a very broken system. And so, you know, don't think that just because you're fiercely independent, you have escape trauma, but also don't think because like you're still very enmeshed with your family system that that event from 20 years ago is still not affecting your life today. So in the words of kind of the writer Faulkner, the, the past is not dead. It's not even past meaning it's playing out right now. One of my guests said that sometimes the past lives in the present. I thought that that's exactly what you're saying. It's, it's so true. And I think that's the work of feeling that we can put the past in the past and live fully in the present, which is beautiful man. There's so much I want to ask you, but let's switch gears a little bit. I was so fascinated by the connection you made in the book between Lust and Anger. Just mind blowing. You said this. You said, I believe male anger to be at the heart of much of the sexual Brokenness and violation in our world want to find out why you're so compelled to pursue unwanted sexual behavior. Figure out what makes you so angry, what's happening here? Why does anger drive those behaviors? Yeah. So we need to think about kind of these behaviors, unwanted sexual behaviors as a river. And so the comparison that I make would be like, think about your unwanted sexual behavior as like a river no different than the Mississippi. And so why is the Mississippi river so powerful? Well, it's because it's fed by so many other tributaries. So the Missouri, the Arkansas, Tennessee Red, I forget how many tributaries the Mississippi has, but it's a lot. And so that sense of what we're dealing with is not just one issue. Uh There are several tributaries that flow into it. And so uh in a lot of kind of faith based communities, they always address, they always try to address the issue of lust. And so what they do is they try and put a dam on that river and they put internet monitoring there. They try and get people into invasive voyeuristic accountability groups. Uh They try to get people to kind of just will themselves to kind of dam it up so that it doesn't flow. And then they find out that it, you know, maybe might work for a little bit, but then it, it inevitably fails. Well, they, they've only looked at one tributary which would be some level of lust, but they haven't looked at other things like unaddressed trauma. They haven't looked at family of origin issues. They haven't looked at the issue of anger. And so anger would just be that sense of, you know, that the man that I was describing earlier with regard to lack of purpose in his life. And also, you know, some level of a rigid father, well, that anger has to go somewhere and for a lot of people, if you don't have a and most of us don't have a context in our world today to talk about the anger of a broken family, to talk about the anger uh that we have towards our moms towards our dads or towards just really anything, uh, any presidential candidate, like we are a people that have so much unaddressed anger in our lives and it's being lived out always. And so that's one of the appeals to porn. You know, let's say that you're in a marriage and someone doesn't like sex as much as you do and you feel like there's some desire discrepancy. Well, if you don't tend to that with honor and delight for one another, there is going to be a sense of I'm angry at you. So I'm gonna go behind your back and feel really justified doing what I want to do because you don't desire sex as much as I do. So therefore, I'm gonna take my anger to this world of porn. Uh Or maybe, maybe you didn't get the promotion that you wanted at work and you feel like that person that so undeserving got it. Well, what are you gonna do with that? Anger? And a lot of times people will begin to find that porn or an affair really begins to kind of help soothe them and calm them down after they're really angry or upset about something. So again, there's just so many different key drivers and don't think that you can just address it through trying to combat lust. It's just, it's not an effective approach. It's a losing battle for sure. Elsewhere in the book, you say this, you say the first key childhood driver of unwanted sexual behavior is having a family system that was characterized as rigid and or disengaged. You mentioned that earlier in the show, Dr Patrick Cars, one of the leading researchers on sexual compulsivity found that 77% of those who struggle with sexual addiction report coming from a rigid family and 87% percent report coming from a disengaged family. I know we can't go too deep into this. But what are the characteristics of those family, families and anything else to add on why they play such a big role? Sure. So, I mean, a rigid family really comes down to this issue of kind of discipline. So discipline for some families might be, yeah, like a, a paddle, corporal punishment. But it could also be something more subtle where you just knew that like you needed to get straight A's or you were gonna be interrogated by a mother or a father. Uh It's usually some sense of like we need conformity in this family because conformity gives us some level of stable ground to lean on. But then if you don't conform in some way, there's usually some discipline that you have to undergo. Well, what's the root word of discipline? Uh It is a disciple which means to teach. And so that's the really key question is, was the disc was the discipline in your home? Did it help you to understand your emotions and why you did the things that you did or was it really trying to use control based methods against you? Um And that's usually, uh you know, a big part of those rigid families is it's gonna create a lot of powerlessness, a lot of humiliation. And so you have to take that somewhere. So what I say in my book is that a rigid family creates fertile soil for anger to emerge, what we were just talking about disengaged family systems would be, you know, much more abandonment and neglect. It's just the sense that care is overlooked in your life. Um And so just from that attachment standpoint that we grow up looking for someone looking for us. And this never ever stops. As long as we are alive and conscious is that we're looking for the delight. We're looking for the faces of people in our world to love us, affirm us, be there for us. And if we are looking out into our family system and there is no loving, compassionate, a deeply delighting face that is given back to us, we are going to scan the horizon looking for someone to look at us. And a lot of times that's what will happen where I will hear people that come from disengaged family systems. And it's like, yeah, the first time that I saw porn, what I was drawn to were the eyes of someone in the porn film because it felt like they were looking into my soul. And I had never had that experience of someone just kind of looking deeply and wanting me. Well, that's an attachment womb that's being sexualized into porn. And so what I say in my book is that disengaged family systems, create fertile soil for lust to emerge. And so I think that's the work is we've got to not just fight against a sexual problem. We've got to go back to the core stories with our parents, with our families. Uh where there is unaddressed, anger and unaddressed grief in our life. Absolutely. No. So good. And, and you're hitting on stuff that this audience deals with so much. So, thank you for, for going into this so well, I've heard you also speak about this tension in families between honor and honesty. Again, we can't go into it too deeply. But what does that look like? And how do you hit that proper balance? Because so many of the young people that I walk with, they really struggle with that, you know, there's like this protection they have of their parents even though they harm them in a lot of ways. Um But they still love them and you know, we want to honor that. So, so how do you hit that balance between the two? So yes, I think we have to hold the tension between honor and honesty. And I would say most people had believed the lie that if I am honest about my mother or father or faith community that I could not truly honor them or the other realm would be if I honored my mother or father or faith community, I could not actually be honest about what I experienced. And I just to point out like that is not the way it is supposed to be. So I think of some of the, you know, ancient. So something like the story of Abraham uh that is held by many different faiths. We know that Abraham in kind of Genesis 12 left everything that he was supposed to leave to go into this land that God had called him to. Uh he is the father of many faiths. And at the same time, we also know that he tried to traffic his wife at least twice. And so it's this sense of like it, the, you know, the Bible is an ancient near east document, which means it's much more of like an Eastern context than anything we would know about it in the western world. So in the western world, we might tend to bend a bit more towards just trying to be honest, uh and unbridled honesty in our day age, but we don't always have honor. But in an, in an Eastern context, I mean, it's all family honor. So just that sense of like we're able to hold, you know, the paradox of this person is full of faith, but they're also a profound coward. And that's the work is, you know, when I've had to address my own family system, I've had to understand that, you know, my dad was consistently reading psychology and theological text together. And so when I think back to my origins of how did I learn how to integrate kind of faith and psychology and being naturally curious about why things work the eyes in the heart and the brain that I have were formed by many conversations with my dad throughout my childhood. So I can honor him for that. But I also have to be honest, that much of the debris in my life and difficulty with attaching and feeling my emotions and having the ability to kind of know what to do with some of the heartache and trauma in my life and his abandonment of my family. And in very significant moments is something that I've had to grow increasingly honest about. And so I think that's the work is uh I, I deeply love my dad and honor him for who he is. And he's a deeply broken man that created a lot of debris in our family. And that Brokenness is not grounds for separation or blame. But I think it's that sense of the grief in our family and in the midst of honoring and being honest about our grief. I think that allows for a new family life to emerge where it's not trying to keep up the appearance of what the stringer family name was supposed to represent. But it's also not trying to kind of just be cruel and angry with one another. But it's a sense of the honesty creates a new foundation of intimacy and that's what we're after. Beautiful and that's healing in itself. We're almost out of time here. But in order to break free, you know, you say that you need to listen to your lust, you mentioned that before. I love, love your analogy of imagining your sexual life as a house. Would you explain that? Yeah. So it probably should have addressed this early on in case people are like, why would I think about my sexual fantasies or porn searches? But uh the basic premise here would be I encourage people to think about their sexual life as a house. So just imagine it's late in the evening and they feel that familiar knock of lust or desire come to their door and just that sense of what are you gonna do in that moment? And some people will, you know, put a force field around their house, they will try and just say no, they might call a friend and say I'm really struggling or other times you just resign to like it's worse to fight this thing. So I'm just gonna let it in and let it ransack various rooms of my house. So as you can see most of the approaches that we take, either try to stiff arm these issues or they just kind of like, let them in. And so the approach that I take in my book and some of the online courses that I have is what would it mean for you to go out onto the front porch of your life and begin to ask your sexual life questions? Like, I wonder why this form of pornography has been appealing to me since I was the age of 15? Or? I wonder why I, I tend to be most seduced into an affair or to porn on a Sunday evening instead of the other days of the week. I wonder what's happening there. Uh So I want people to just develop a sense of curiosity about their life. So get out onto the front porch, ask your sexual life questions. Why am I drawn to this? Why do I love this? I wonder what the meaning is within this particular fantasy or I wonder why I can't reach orgasm without thinking about this particular person or this archetype or this fantasy. And I think that's the, that's the work of healing. It's a bit odd and counterintuitive at first. But I think curiosity can really take us so much further than just a desire to militantly fight something or uh even just praying over and over again to find healing. Uh I just, I think that those, that repetition just doesn't, it's not very generative for us. Yeah. No, so good. I love this approach. So much better than kind of what's typically thrown out there, like less management mastery in some way, like you say. So. Good Jay, you're the man. Thank you so much for your time. I don't want to keep you any longer if people want to get the book and the course in order to kind of be guided through everything that we talked about. How do they do that and how do they find you online as well? Probably the best would be just Instagram uh A Y underscore Stringer underscore the reason for all the underscores is I think there's another British crime fiction that is also J Stringer. So which is actually he was first to market it. Yes, those are your secret identity, right? Yes, exactly. So uh you can find me there website is jay dash stringer dot com and there are assessments that people can take uh if you want to learn this approach and learn the key drivers, there's what's called the sexual behavior self assessment that you can take. Uh the journey course is a faith based course for people that are looking for a new paradigm to address this. Uh unwanted is my book. And then we do a lot of individual intensives uh with my team. And then we also have a training program for leaders. So if you are a therapist, if you are a coach, a clergy of any kind, uh if you're in any type of leadership position, helping people to outgrow these problems we have what's called the unwanted guide program. And that's a 13 week training for professionals to help them understand their own story so that they are more effective in, in teaching others. So good Jay. Thank you so much for your time. Thank you for everything you've done. I want to give you the, the last word quickly. Any final words of encouragement or advice for everyone listening, especially those who struggle with unwanted sexual behavior. I just keep going back to curiosity versus contempt. And most of us the way that we tend to engage our own life, our own relational life, our own sexual life is principally out of self contempt or other centered contempt and contempt, especially for us who have known trauma feels really powerful. Why? Because within fragmentation in our current life, fragmentation from our past, we need a sense of sure footing and contempt provides us with a sense of certainty in the midst of uncertainty. So if you can resist the temptation to choose contempt for yourself or to someone else, and you can begin to get curious about your life or someone else's life, it will be so much more beautiful, so much more transformative than anything else that you could choose. So give curiosity a try. Wow, Jay is amazing. His content in his book is just so so helpful. And the main takeaway from this episode, as you can tell is your sexual Brokenness is not random. It's not random. The key to healing. It is actually understanding why you struggle in the particular ways that you do. And Jay's book will help you do that again. It's titled Unwanted. How Sexual Brokenness Reveals our way to healing. Just click on the link in the show notes. If you want to buy that, I highly highly recommend it. And if you're not ready to buy the book, you can get the first chapter for free by going to J dash stringer dot com slash book or just clicking on the link in the show notes. So often as you can tell from this episode at the root of sexual compulsion or Brokenness is trauma. But before you can heal it, you have to understand it. Our free mini on trauma titled Why You Feel Broken consists of five short videos by a trauma therapist that answer the questions. What is trauma? What impact does it have on your body? How does it affect your emotions? What does it do to your mind and how does it impact your relationships again? Once you understand what trauma is and how it's affecting you today, then you can begin to heal and build a life that you long for to get the free mini course. It's really easy to just go to restored ministry dot com slash broken again. Restored ministry ministry is singular dot com slash broken to sign them for free and begin watching the mini course again. Go to restored ministry dot com slash broken or just click on the link in the show notes that wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents, divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them and closing, always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life. And keep in mind the words of CS Lewis who said you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

#101: Healing Sexual Brokenness: Freedom from Porn | Matt Fradd & Jason Evert

When it comes to pornography, there are basically two types of people:

• Those who believe that porn is wrong and harmful. 

• And those who do not.

But beyond the arguments, millions of people struggle with a pornography compulsion or addiction. They want to break free, but they feel stuck and hopeless. No matter what they try, it doesn’t work.

In this episode, popular speakers and authors Matt Fradd and Jason Evert join me to answer these tough questions: 

• Is porn harmful and wrong? If so, why? 

• What does it do your brain and your relationships?

• How do you actually break free from porn?

• What resources are out there to help you or someone you care about?

Buy the Book: Forged: 33 Days Toward Freedom by Jason Evert and Matt Fradd

Buy the Book: The Porn Myth: Exposing the Reality Behind the Fantasy of Pornography by Matt Fradd

Get the FREE Mini-Course: Why You Feel Broken

Links & Resources

Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through the links on this page, your purchase will support Restored at no additional cost to you. Thank you!

• To leave feedback, comment below or contact us.

• Magdala Ministries

• Bloom for Catholic Women

• Jay Stringer Website

• Jason Evert Podcast

  • Lust is Boring Podcast

• Matt Fradd

  • Pints With Aquinas Podcast

• Books

  • Uncompromising Purity | Kelsey Skoch with Everett Fritz

  • I Believe in Love | Jean C. J. d'Elbée

Enjoy the show?

To be notified when new episodes go live, subscribe below.

As a bonus, you’ll receive our free guide, 7 Tips to Build a Thriving and Divorce-Proof Marriage!

TRANSCRIPT

Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!

When it comes to the topic of pornography, there are basically two types of people, those who believe that porn is wrong and harmful and those who do not. But beyond the intellectual argument, millions of people right now are struggling with the pornography compulsion or addiction. They want to break free but feel stuck and hopeless and no matter what they try, it just doesn't work. They always seem to fall back into it. In this episode. Popular speakers and authors, Matt Fred and Jason never join me to answer these tough questions, is porn harmful and wrong. And if so why, what does it do to your brain and your relationships? How do you actually break free from porn? What resources are out there to help you or someone you care about? And finally, we discuss a 33 day resource to help you break free. If you believe that porn is not wrong or harmful, this episode will just give you a lot to think about. And I challenge you to listen with an open mind. And if you struggle with a porn addiction or compulsion, not only will you be given tactics to break free, but more importantly, you'll be given encouragement not to lose hope. So, keep listening, welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents, divorce, separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again and break the cycle. I'm your host, Joey Panelli. This is episode 101. This episode is actually part three of our podcast series called Healing Sexual Brokenness. So typically on this show, we feature stories and expert interviews about how to heal from the trauma of your parents', divorce and broken family or how to navigate the pain and the problems that stem from it. And one of the biggest problems that often stems from your family's breakdown is unwanted sexual behavior, like pornography, masturbation, hook up culture, paying for sex infidelity and so much more. In fact, one expert found that almost 90% of those who struggle with sexual addiction come from a broken family. And so in this series, you'll get tactics and resources to overcome unwanted sexual behavior so you can find freedom and a little trigger warning. This is obviously a mature topic. So we would definitely recommend putting in earphones or at least not listening around Children with that. My guests today are Jason Everett and Matt Fred. Ja is a speaker, author and podcast host. He's traveled to six continents, speaking to millions of people for the past 25 years. He's lectured at dozens of universities including Harvard Princeton and the United States Naval and Air Force Academies. He's a best selling author of more than 15 books, including How To Find Your Soulmate without losing your soul. The Dating Blueprint and Forged. He and his wife Crystalline are frequent guests on radio shows and podcasts throughout the country. And their television appearances include MS NBC Fox News, the BBC and EWTN. Their resources have been distributed in over 40 countries helping teens and young adults to build authentic love. Jason earned a bachelor's degree in theology and undergraduate degrees in counseling and theology with a minor in philosophy at Franciscan University of Steubenville. Actually, my alma mater as well. Jason lives in Arizona with his wife and kids. Matt Fred is the creator and host of the popular podcast, Pints with Aqua. He's the author and co-author of several books, including the porn myth and delivered. Matt earned his undergraduate and graduate degrees in philosophy from Holy Apostles College and Seminary which also awarded him an honorary doctorate. He lives in Steubenville, Ohio with his wife Cameron and their four kids. Quickly, I want to let you know that Matt's connection was a little bit spotty during the interview. So I apologize in advance. You should be able to make up most of it, but it is a little bit spotty. Here's my conversation with Jason and Matt. Matt and Jason. Welcome to the show. Thanks for having us on. Thank you. Pleasure to have you. There's two types of people listening right now, there's people who believe that there's nothing wrong with pornography that it's not damaging. Uh, but then there's also people who do believe that there's something wrong that it is damaging, but they struggle to break free. And so in this conversation, I want to talk to both people. But let's start with the first to everyone listening. Who doesn't believe that there's anything wrong with pornography. If they came up to you and asked, what's wrong with pornography? Why is pornography wrong? If you had to put it in just one sentence, I'm curious, what would your answer be? And then I'd love for you to elaborate on it. Let's start with Jason. What's your one sentence? I would say that it's because people who are created to be loved and pornography is the opposite of that because it's using another person instead of loving them beautiful matt. Yeah, I would say that over the last 40 years, there's been a ton of research that's come out of academia, different branches of science, like neurology, psychology, and sociology. And all of it says unambiguously that pornography is detrimental to the consumer, to our relationships to society. So if you're interested in science and you're pro science, then that should at least get you interested in in some good reason to so good, let's go deeper there. Then Jason, what else would you say on this topic? And one of the things I learned from you when I heard you speak uh years ago when I was a freshman in high school is porn destroys your ability to love. And so if you want authentic love, porn is not your best bet. Yeah. No, people will say, well, porn doesn't really hurt anybody. I don't know that you could get a statement more factually untrue than that one. I mean, the, the user, his capacity to love is, as you said, is diminished, the person behind the camera, the person filming it, the person in the scene. I I just think that porn only exists because it shows so little of the person because if it actually showed the full woman or the full porn star, what's actually going on in her life, how she was sexually abused when she was eight years old by her uncle that she was raped on a date when she was 18. Uh Then when she was 21 she entered into this, I remember one woman who had had that she decided to quit after being in the porn industry after her fourth abortion, she said I just couldn't take it anymore. But could you imagine if you saw this full picture? Uh like I'd known of one woman. She said that after the, the filming of the scene, it only took three minutes for the whole finished thing to be done. But the filming of it took hours and hours and hours and she was just brutalized. During it and she said it was so bad that when it was done, I had to go to the hospital. Uh but the, the porn producer was such a jerk. He didn't even drive her there. He called an Uber to take her to the, er, after the filming. But imagine if the viewer you saw this, ok, this scene that I'm seeing right here, uh A child that is conceived during this scene is gonna be aborted six weeks later and this woman had to go to the er, afterwards and this and that, like, how could you possibly get gratification out of staring at something like that? If you saw the full picture, you saw the full woman porn would go out of business overnight. That's why it has to reduce the woman only to her sexual value and show nothing else. And so, yeah, the viewers capacity to love is harmed. Kids are harmed, the porn. I mean, everybody's harmed and so we got to ditch that, you know, objection right away and then Matt. Yeah, let's, I, that's wonderful. Jason. It's like we've reduced morality to, if it doesn't hurt, it's OK, which is just a real reduction of the way we should be viewing anyway. Two people can choose to do things that hurt them and that doesn't make it ok. There's a famous story in Germany of a man who had always wanted to eat another one and a man who had always wanted to be eaten. They got together and this actually occurred, both of them consented to it. But I would hope that most people, all people would say this is horrific. Obviously, that's a very intense example. But in pornography, even when two people consent to degrading each other or consent to me lusting over them, people are still being hurt and this is still a perversion of the, the sexual faculty. It, it makes it such that it isn't as it should be. And I had, I had once heard also in the occult kind of the motto uh for witchcraft is harm ye none. And so basically saying, don't harm anybody and then you do whatever you want. But it's like, ok, if that's a good enough motto for the witches, shouldn't we shoot a little bit higher in our own ethical life. And so that should be a red flag. If we think that that consent is the highest good, there's got to be other goods higher than that. Then the greatest of which is love. And Jason I've heard you say, and I'd love you to expound upon this that it's like we reduce our morality in the sexual realm to so long as I'm not raping her, I'm basically at the pinnacle of masculine morality or something. Yeah, like, well, she agreed to everything. How could I be in the wrong? And I, I convinced her to do this and I convinced her to that and she was ok doing this. Well, we're good. It's like, dude, where's your moral backbone? I mean, where's your compass? It's like his barometer is what she's willing to do. And as long as I'm not forcing her to do anything. Oh, I'm quite the gentleman. It's like, ok, I think we got to set the bar a little higher here. Fellas. We couldn't agree more. Matt. Let's go deeper into the science. So, what does pornography do to your brain? And if you wanna talk about what it does to your relationships too, yes. Well, we used to say that only drugs can be addictive and since pornography isn't a drug, it's not something being injected or ingested, it's therefore not addictive. But since, uh, neuroscientist started looking into the brain, it's changed how they understand addiction. They now think that behaviors can be as addictive substances can. And we've heard, we hear a lot about dopamine these days but that when somebody consumes pornography on a regular basis, sort of downgrading occurs in the brain so that the brain cannot feel as it were dopamines effects in a way that it once did. And because of this, the brain is in a state of dopamine craving. And that's why the person immersed in pornography feels the need to perhaps watch more pornography and even more violent or shocking forms of it just to boost those dopamine levels up enough, uh, to get the same kick he did in the beginning, I heard someone use this analogy. He said, if you were on the phone with somebody and they started yelling, you might remove the phone away from your ear and you'd be able to hear them. But if they started to speak, normally you wouldn't be able to hear them unless you brought it back up to your ear again. And likewise, if I spend so much of my time looking at pornography, it's as if my brain is being shouted at by dopa. And when I shut that laptop lid and go out into the world and try to enjoy the things I've, I used to enjoy. I can't feel or hear dopamines effects as it were as I once did. And this is why people immersed in pornography tend to lose interest in very good and beautiful things that you find interesting and obviously that has a negative impact on not just romantic relationships but friendships and family life. Absolutely. Jason anything. Yeah. And I once heard that the one, the pleasure center of the brain uh is the medial preoptic nucleus. And it's very easy to train you think of Pavlov's dog. You know, he'd feed the dog a be ring a bell, feed the dog. And eventually he just ring the bell dog salivates. And what happens is when we get immersed in this world of fantasy and porn, we essentially train our brains to associate sexual joy with dirty, illicit, forbidden sexual fantasies that are always new. But then you transition to a real relationship and your wife is not dirty. She's not illicit, she's not forbidden. She's not a fantasy. She's not ever new. And, and there's a mad thing, like, how, how do you readjust? How do you be, like, ok, I just taught my brain that what is most sex satisfying is something other than a human relationship. And then I try to enter a human relationship and, well, she can't put up with my porn problem. Well, she must be approved. It must be her issue. I'm not actually cheating on you and you could just see how it would deteriorate the very fiber of that relationship because of what it's done to the guy's brain or to the girl's brain because we got to be fair. This isn't just some guy issue. More and more women are struggling this as well. Get, getting into this sometimes out of curiosity. Like, what do I need to look like? What do I need to do? What do I need to be? But I need, we need to remind them that they were never even created to be porn and they were created to be loved. A good point. I love that. I think often I've been thinking about this more and more about how porn lies to us. But, but in a way that's it. It's so much more insidious and goes so much deeper than we often realize And I know for me when I started to, when I became a Christian at the age of 17 and started to try not to look at pornography or masturbate, that sort of stuff. I kind of had this intellectual conversion where I realized that I probably shouldn't be treating people as consumable goods, you know, like animate providers of pleasure. And I kind of thought, well, that's it. Like I, I understand it now but, you know, I've been married 17 years and I still wrestle with liars that I apparently are still holding on to at some level about what pornography and what Hollywood has taught me about the way what women are, how they should respond, how they should desire these sorts of things. So, it's, yeah, I just, just to that point, I think it's a lot more insidious and goes a lot deeper than we often realize it sinks very deeper. It's just, and I remember you having like points about what porn teaches men about women. Some, like the, the value of a woman is determined by how much lust she provides to you. Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, that, that's a, that's a big one. I mean, wouldn't even start there of just like, ok, then you start treating women according to how much lust they're generating in you. And if I don't feel a lot of lust towards that woman, then I don't even treat, give her the time of day. Whereas this one, you know, is really sexually alluring and so all treat her in a different way. And so you become very utilitarian just using people according to what you're getting out of this arrangement. And for the guy who's getting hooked on this stuff, I think in a sense he's, he's got that moment of male validation in her eyes that the way she looks at me is like, I'm handsome, I'm desirable. I'm powerful. I'm good, I'm sex and all these things that I really don't think that I am. But just for the moment, she makes me feel those things and then you get on this high and then you walk out of the world and just crash afterwards of just like, wait a minute, the girls in my gym, the girls at the mall, like nobody's looking at me that way. In fact, they look down at me if they were to find what type of guy I am behind closed doors. And so there's a lot of power in the way that a woman I think presents herself to a man. And there's a lot of power in the way that a man looks at a woman and, and whether he's looking at her as a thing as a collection of body parts, I think women can sense that from 100 yards away and, and it creates this kind of restless vulnerability and resentment in the woman towards the guy and even perhaps towards her sexuality itself where she could even swear sexuality. I'm asexuals. I'm not into any of that stuff because of how porn fi it's become. But likewise, if a man grows in purity of heart, uh he can give his beloved this piece of the way that he looks at her. Like, wow, he's not looking at me for something he can get from me. He sees me as his respected and beloved companion. And I think everyone wants to be seen that way and every man wants to get to the point where he can look at his beloved that way. But porn really ensnares us in this cycle of OK, you make me feel valid, you make me feel manly. But then when it's all over, you feel like I'm not a man, I'm just a boy trapped in a man's body. And so to find freedom, obviously, we got, it's not enough to say, hey, look, this is why it's bad. This is why it's damaging. We got to get to deeper roots to find healing. We often talk about the feminine genius, but I would say that the masculine genius could be summed up as strength on behalf of others. But uh with pornography, it's, it's the opposite. It's I'm taking your strength to validate my poor self esteem or something like that. I think we all kind of realize that look to a woman to validate my masculinity is not the way to go. And I think at our core we know that that's fake. But Jason, like you're saying, like you said before, Matt too, there's something about it that's so ensnaring. Like we get back to it even if it is fake and maybe that's, maybe that's just so important to begin with. Like, pornography. Thank you. Perfect. Right. Like, it'll make you feel alive, you know, really important to say those things. If it didn't, it wouldn't be this multibillion dollar industry and people wouldn't find it so difficult to quit. But then you go a little deeper than that, say, well, what's pornography promising? And, and what is it actually resulting in? You know, because I don't know if I'm parroting Jason here, I'm sure you said something to this effect, but it promises us freedom and we find slavery, promises us entertainment, we become bored, it promises us adult, adult entertainment. We become increasingly juvenile. So it does give us something in the short term, but it leaves us emasculated, bored and um unfulfilled. And anybody who's looked at pornography I think is aware of that. Like, that's just a common experience that men have when they and I'm sure women when they engage in pornography during the anticipation and act, it, it might feel incredibly rewarding in a but then as soon as it's done, you're like, oh my gosh, what the hell am I doing with this beautiful gift of sexuality? And there's a reason we feel like that. Yeah, I couldn't agree more. And I think so much of it is also sought after for some sense of adventure, some sense of like, you know, the rest of your life kind of, you were saying before Jason might feel incredibly boring, you might feel so unvalidated. Um, but pornography feels exciting, it feels like some sort of an adventure. So, I mean, I guess the challenge there for people is like, go find real adventures. They're out there. I mean, people for thousands of years have found that sort of adventure. It doesn't need to be found. And that's Jason. Did you have some say in that? Yeah. Sometimes when I talk to people about trying to break free, one of the first things I encourage them to do it. Ok. Look at, when are you messing up? Where are you messing up? What's the circumstances there? Are you bored? Are you lonely? Are you angry? Are you stressed out? Are you tired and perfect? Yeah. Yeah. When I'm bored or, you know, it's when I'm all stressed out, I go to that for some relief. But it's in a sense a bit like alcoholism. They say that the emotional age at which you get hooked on alcohol and I would say drugs, porn, whatever is the emotional age at which you remain until you learn how to cope with moments of desolation with healthy consolations instead of false cons. And so I'm bored, I'm lonely. I'm angry. I'm stressed. I'm tired. Boom. I'm on my laptop, I'm into porn. Did it solve the problem temporarily? Yeah. I mean, just for the moment I was on that I could forget about all this other stuff I felt wanted. I wasn't lonely, certainly wasn't bored for that time being. And, you know, and, and it seems like, ok, it solves the problem then as soon as it's over, all the problems are there and they're deeper. And so it's like, ok, I'm bored, I'm only, I'm angry, I'm stressed, I'm tired. Maybe you need to take a nap. Maybe you need to go for a jog. Maybe you need to connect with your family. Maybe you need to get a job, maybe to get off video games, maybe you need to go, go for a hike, go, go bench press, like go sweat, like go do something, get some healthy dopamine, flooding through your system instead of always thinking like, ok, sitting on my couch all day on flipping through Instagram reels. Why do you think you're bored out of your mind? Why do you think you're lonely? Because the only things that would actually remedy this thing is getting off the screen, engaging in reality and doing something noble. And so obviously, it takes a little bit more effort to do that. But that's the only way that you become a man when you're able to say, yeah, I am bored. I am lonely. I'm not, I'm really lonely right now. What do I gotta do about that? Well, maybe I should start up a young adult group at my church and get to meet 30 people. Maybe that would work better than the porn website. Jason. I'm curious, what effect does pornography have in addition to what you already said? What effect does pornography have on a macro level on our culture? Uh, I mean, it's, it's impossible. I mean, how much time we got about four hours you could dive into this but just this isn't Matt's podcast. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean, you just think of the poor kids that have been exposed to that stuff. I think of two girls in particular. One girl told me, she said she's been looking at porn every single day for the past five years because she said that's when I found my dad's porn collection and he doesn't know that I know he looks and he doesn't know that I look, but every day since I found his addiction, it has become my own. Now. Imagine an adolescent girl for five years absorbing that violent degrading imagery. How do you transition from that into trusting a man with your body into what healthy sexuality is supposed to look like and what, what your body is supposed to look like, what the bedroom is supposed to look like? How do you heal and transition that when your own family doesn't know about that? Then I know of other people who basically had the opposite reaction found their dad's porn collection and said, look iiii I used to, to look up to my dad and now, now I can't even look at him anymore like I thought he was a better man than that. And my dad is lusting after girls who are two years older than I am. Why my mom's sleeping in the next room then erases internet history. Kisses my mom and goes off to work and thinks we don't know. She said it makes me sick. How much, how much I resent that guy. And so you imagine this stuff now compounding exponentially over the hundreds of millions of young people getting exposed to this stuff. Like, no wonder relationships are imploding after three months. No wonder kids just want to run to some dating app to com modify each other when it comes to dating relationships and none of it is ultimately satisfying us. And so, yeah, it, it's hard to, it's impossible to overestimate the harm that this is doing to young people, old people alike because I mean, I, I've met men who've told me they've been addicted to porn for 40 50 years. I get emails from the wives on a weekly basis of like, yeah, I'm trying to work with them but it's been 20 years and he, I caught him with it again. It's like, wow, like, how do you build a marriage in the absence of trust. I mean, the answer is you don't. It's heartbreaking. Jason. I, I recall you talking about a British researcher, maybe an anthropologist who studied all these different cultures over time and noticed that any culture that persisted in sexual immorality for, like, more than two generations eventually crumpled or something like that. Do you recall? Yeah, I believe his name is JD Unwin Un. Win for someone who wants to look that up. But, yeah, I mean, he studied ancient Greece and Rome and all these seemingly cultures that would never collapse. But once they diverted the sexual energy away from its natural end, which is marriage and the family, they just imploded. And you see like, ok, well, how are we here in America since the 19 sixties? Wow. Things are going, getting pretty messy real fast and that's why I think the family is so much under attack. Not because like, it's just a target of attack. It's, it's under attack because it is the weapon. I mean, you think of like the top gun movie, you know where Tom Cruise? Just that came out Maverick last summer or whatever the whole point of the movie was to attack. One thing and what was the one thing? It was the weapon, it was the weapon of the enemy. And so it became the object of all the bombs and missiles at the end of the movie. And so in the same respect, the family is the cell of resistance to oppression. GK Chesterton said, and, and that's a very, that's a very weapon that's needed to build up a civilization of love. And that's why it's under such tremendous attack. And so we've got to realize the greatest weapon we have our little holy families. That's why there's so much under attack. That's the solution to this cultural mess. And the only thing that's gonna get us out of the disaster that porn and the sexual revolution is driving us into. I think often what we do is we see the extremities of perversion and then point at it and seek to remedy it. But I was just reading this today from Acts chapter two verse 40 where Saint Peter says in his preaching immediately after Pentecost, save yourselves from this wicked generation, we live in a wicked generation. And if we're going to save ourselves from it, we need to acknowledge that the generation in which we live is actually wicked. We also have to take uh the words, you know, don't be polluted by the world or keep yourselves unpolluted by the world. Don't let there be a hint of impurity among you. And I think for too long Christians seeking to cozy up with the world, seeking to prove to the world that it's cool and tolerant has just given way too much ground. I was on an airplane flying back from France the other day and a couple of ladies were in front of me watching that movie, Wedding Crashes. I think Owen Wilson is one of the actors and I haven't seen the movie, but I glanced over a few times and I realized it might be funny. I don't know, I haven't watched it but it's deeply wicked and perverse. And I think as Christians in this kind of day and age, it's just, it's not enough to kind of cut off the flour. Like it's kind of the porn is a problem. We really have to be serious about not ingesting the same entertainment that the world is ingesting. And instead we've got to be ingesting that which is true, good, beautiful. And that's, that's tough. That's tough. I think a lot of people don't want to do that. We, we really, we want to just receive from the world and from the entertainment it produces on Netflix, peacock, et cetera, whatever we can. But especially for those who are in the midst of this struggle that I think all Christians, especially those who are struggling with sexual purity, which is gonna be so vigilant that is challenging. But I think there's so much freedom there if you actually do about what you're saying and we could talk about this forever guys. Um especially responding to this question of like, what's wrong with pornography. I wanna tie that question up there. Um But do you have any resources that you would recommend if someone's hearing this for the first time? And they want to know more about why pornography is damaging, why it's wrong. Yeah. Well, first I wanna pitch over to Matt because I know he's got a book he did in terms of the scientific research on it. And then I can talk about the one that we did together. Yeah. I wrote a book called the porn Myth which is a non-religious response to pro pornography arguments. I thought just like someone can make a case against abortion without appealing to Christian morality or scripture. Even though those things, I think obviously the strongest side, then someone can do that with pornography as well. So this book, the porn myth, there's no quoting of scripture, no referencing to Christ or the teachings of a particular church. It's just, here's the findings like I mentioned earlier, neuros psychology, sociology. So even if people watching right now, they're not religious and they're not interested in religious arguments. Well, they don't need to worry. This book isn't based on that. Um And so that book is on audible paperback and whatever. So that I, I was pretty happy with that book. I thought, I thought it was a, I tried to, I responded to about 27 arguments that people often, you know, like maybe animate porns or maybe masturbation is ok without pornography. All those sort of things that we maybe say to ourselves that we hear from society. Yeah. And, and that, and I teamed up a couple of years ago because so many guys and girls would come up and say, hey, look, I've been trying to break food from porn. I know it's wrong. I get the arguments but I'm good for like a two week and then it's back at it and I'm good for a month and I'm back at it, I'm good for a day and it's back at it. Like, how do you actually find lasting freedom? And so he and I met and I teamed up and created this little book called Forged. And essentially what it is is a 33 day game plan to find freedom where you're really getting to the roots of the issue that we're not just tackling it from a, you know, a neurological perspective or just from a spiritual perspective, just, just pray more Hail Marys and it'll go away. Obviously, prayer is an essential component. I believe the spiritual element is there. But also there's physiology we're dealing with there, psychology, sometimes emotional wounds and trauma. And so we really try to tackle the porn issue from a fully human perspective of emotionally, physically, psychologically, spiritually covering all these bases. And then with every day, it's like a 33 day challenge, you get emailed to you a free video from a different person. And so some are doctors and psychologists, some are more spiritual, you know, leaders in the church and this and that. So every day you're getting it from a different angle. So it's not the same talk and head. And that little short inspirational video is corresponding with that day's content to really get to the roots of the issue and help people that and it's obviously not a money back guarantee, 33 days and your porn is gone for the rest of your life. No, but it's 33 weapons in a sense that you can use in this daily battle because it's not like you, you sign some chastity commitment card and like, oh, now I'm good to go. I'm like this is something you're gonna fight for your whole life. And if you don't have the strategy in the battle, I think you've pretty much already lost before the battle began. So it gives those strategies of how not to lose your peace when you fall, how to start over, how to have accountability, all the different components because Matt and I felt we were hodge podging. People would meet him like, hey, try this filter and use this thing and call that counselor and felt like we were just patching things together. So we thought maybe let's just create one resource that's got it all. And uh and that's why he created the book for. And the idea is that you don't do it alone, you need to do it with another guy. Uh We have a similar one for the women called an uncompromising purity. Uh It's let lust is not just a guy problem that Kelsey Sco wrote. But this is the one specifically designed for guys to do in community where there just one guy, father, son, men's youth group, whatever do that persevere in 33 days. And I think you'll have the strategies you need to win because honestly, defeat is not an option here. I mean, being some 48 or 35 year old porn addicted husband or father, that's not on anybody's radar as the goal. And so this is just a battle, not only that you can win, but that you can't afford to lose. Also, I point out real real quick a ministry specifically for women would be Magdala Ministries dot org started by a friend of mine, Rachel Klei Magdala Ministries don't bog if they're women watching who are struggling with pornography and wanna find like a safe group of other women and, and, and if a woman is struggling because her spouse or partner is looking at porn, there's another one called Bloom for Catholic women. Uh Even if you're not Catholic, you find a lot of helpful stuff there because the women going through this, if their partners are looking at are suffering really a sexual betrayal, trauma, that's often gaslight. I'm just like, oh, you're just a prude or you're getting too worked up about this whole thing. There's a lot worse husbands out and all of her emotions and feelings get completely invalidated. Um And so she needs support through this whole thing as well. Not only the guy so bloom for Catholic women is a helpful one too. So I think that this is so needed. Especially Matt, I saw your interview with Dennis Prager and I think there's a lot of people out there who, you know, by all other measures are really intelligent, but they don't really understand what's going on with pornography, how damaging it is on our culture. So in the time we have left, I want to switch gears over to that second person that I mentioned, people who they know that pornography is wrong, they know that it's damaging. But Jason, like you said, they struggle to break free. And so let's go deeper into that content. If one of them came up to you right now and said, hey, how do I finally break free? What quick advice would you give them, Jason? Well, one is, does anybody else know about this except for me? Because if I'm the first person you're telling, uh obviously you haven't done the most important thing because in order to really strike at the wound uh of pornography, we've gotta, we've gotta address the pride issue of just like nobody can know that I'm not the guy who they think that I am. And so as long as you want to wear that little cloak, uh you're not gonna see a lot of victory. And so you need to have accountability, somebody that you can talk to someone that's a little further along on the road in terms of these battles instead of like, I look yesterday, hey, I did too see any good websites. Like, no, we need somebody who's gonna call us on and sometimes counselor is necessary finding whether it's a sex addiction therapist and really kind of getting down to the roots. There's an, an evangelical therapist named Jay Stringer who's got some really good stuff online about really getting to the core. And, and I like his approach. We just did a podcast with him where he talks about that the the desires, the things that you're looking for online and these unwanted sexual behaviors are often a road map towards your healing. And he, he did a study more close to 4000 people of what their internet searches had to say about them. And they were able to kind of create these templates that if you're looking at this type of porn, odds are you had a really authoritarian father and you have a relationship towards women that's more fantasizing about this because this piece is kind of lacking in your life. And if we can remedy that really get down to those issues, then you're dealing with the roots of the weed instead of forever, like Matt said, just clipping at the leaves of it. And so therapy is often a very underestimated tool and the importance of breaking free because this, this has been going on for years and I've tried this filter and I've tried that thing. Maybe it's time to get down to the root structure beneath it to help find the healing. So good love Jay Stringer. He's actually the next episode in this series on healing, sexual Brokenness. Oh, awesome. Now, what would you say if someone came up to you in addition to what Jason said and said, hey, I can't break for you. How do I finally get rid of this stuff? Yeah. Well, I, I guess I'd want to define what is meant by break free because what is freedom? It's not like this thing that we like this milestone that we pass one day after having read a book or having watched this video and then you have some kind of phenomenological reaction where you feel freedom is now something you're living in. I think I found it helpful to think for freedom is one day rather than a finish line. And so like, what kind of man do I want to be? What kind of things should I be doing? Should I not be doing in order to be the kind of man that I, those are really good questions that I'm asking. You know, when I, if I do, if and when I do fall to rely on God's Mercy, I think incredibly important great book called I Believe in Love. He's got this great line. He says, I'm not telling you, you believe too little or too much rather in your own wretchedness. He says we are far more wretched than we can ever imagine. He says, what I'm telling you is you don't believe enough in the love of God. And so I think whenever we are become face to face with their own wretchedness and Brokenness and selfishness and lust, that's a horrific thing to look at. And it all, it should always be looked at in light of the savior's merciful gates. Chris loves us. He doesn't give up on us even when we want to give up on ourselves. I think honestly having a more gentle approach to ourselves is actually more effective. Like not just that it makes us feel better than being a hard ass to ourselves, although sometimes that can help, but it can be kind of just, it's actually counter productive to call yourself like a worthless sack of crap. He again, it's actually a lot more healthy to be like, what, what happened there? Like, why did I do that? What was happening? What was I looking for? You know, uh What, what um what, what kind of negative emotions was I maybe running from and having that more curious approach. Uh I, I found the same thing that if you have more compassion on yourself instead of just beating yourself up out of shame. Uh You, you make a lot more progress because a lot of times the root of these things is wounds of shame and just identity of just like I am a failure. I am a hypocrite. I'm not a real man. And so I might as well just go back to all that stuff because that's not just what I do, it's who I am. Whereas if you start to see yourself in the light of God's love. Well, maybe I'm not a worthless piece of garbage. I remember one guy he, I read about that who was hooked on porn, going to prostitutes, strip clubs the whole nine yards. And he finally opens up to another Christian guy. And this other guy who was a real upstanding Christian man in the community said to him, well, what you really want to do is look at porn and masturbate, then go ahead and do it. And the guy was like, what like, yeah, if what you really want to do is look at porn, Masur bait, go ahead and do it. And the guy was, he just kind of pounded the desk. He said, no, that's not what I really want. And the guy looked at him and smiled and said, exactly. And for the other guy, it was this watershed moment of like, maybe I am not pure depravity. Maybe there's actually something good in me that craves for something better than the next hit on the next porn website. But it's just been buried under all this shame. And so if you have a little bit of mercy, you make a lot more progress, I think than just trying to white knuckle it to the finish line, let's say with that theme of shame because I think this is so important. I think shame is at the root of staying stuck. Matt. I've heard you talk a lot about this as well, Matt when you were in the midst of this and in the midst of your struggles with pornography, what did that shame feel like? And what did you do in order to break free from that or to deal with that shame? So you could find that freedom that you mentioned. It just feels hopeless. Feels like there's something fundamentally wrong with something fractured at the core of other people don't experience. I'm special in my group. Other people can be free of it. I can't. And that must mean that there is something just irreversibly wrong. And I think what's interesting is we sometimes make agreements with those things, you know, like, yeah, I am. That is true. That is a true fact about me and then we walk around not realizing we've made these agreements with the enemy and these agreements need to be broken. And so I don't know, I've had several really powerful experiences where I've said in the name of Jesus Christ, I renounce, I there is something fundamentally broken. I, I proclaim the truth that I am a beloved son of the father, you know, and, and to be kind of patient with myself during that time and say, ok, like this is completely unacceptable. Of course. And yet, like you were exposed to porn when you were eight, he didn't ask for that. You just stumbled across it. And then you had a, I'm talking to myself here. Then you had a best friend's mom who would buy you porn when you were 12 and 13, like go to BHS stores and buy them and like, if you like, yes, like you're a victim in this like this, this isn't ok. Like there's a reason you're struggling with this, that kind of, that kind of patience. And I know sometimes people are reluctant to talk like that because I like what Jason said a moment ago about being gentle with yourself because we fear that. Well, if I'm gentle, then somehow I'm giving myself a pass, but that's not what we're saying. So I think that really helped as well. And then, um as Jason said earlier, kind of bringing people into that. Some things can only be healed by the antiseptic light of truth. This is one of those things. So bringing it out in the open before people that you can trust. I think one of the things that does as well is you see in their response to you that you're worth being friends with. You know, I think that's one of the lies we believe in when we slip up into serious sin. Be it pornography or something else is like, if people really knew what I was like, they would not stick around but having a good friend that you trust and rely on or multiple people, this proves that like, no, it, people are gonna stick with. People do love you. They are here to help. They're not ashamed of, but they do believe. Yeah, so true. It's beyond healing when someone loves you. Not in spite of your Brokenness, but perhaps even because of it like they're there for you through the thick and thin. And I love that. And I think that that approach makes so much sense. And I, I love the different tone we're taking now to people who again, they understand that it's wrong and they want to break free but they're struggling to do. So I want to go deeper on something I don't think is talked about much in Jay Stringer's awesome book, Jason Unwanted. He says this. He says when you are involved in unwanted sexual behavior, one of the most maddening dimensions of your life becomes your fight with freedom. You long for liberation. But you also experience a strange comfort in the misery and pleasure. Your unwanted behavior provides. How can someone break that attachment and overcome that fear of letting go? Because maybe this thing has just been a crutch for them. Yeah. Well, I think one thing would be helpful is keep in mind what Matt just said a few moments ago about what freedom is, you know, is freedom a finish line or is freedom, the road that you're on and that, you know, once you get your will set in the right direction, yeah, there's gonna be setbacks, but don't think. Ok, well, I had a setback, I guess I'm not free, you know, I, I got wounded on the battlefield. I guess that means I trade my troops. No, there, there's no dishonor and getting wounded on the battlefield. The, the real dishonor is fleeing the battlefield, kind of waving the white flag and leaving the rest of people on the battlefield. And so I think with Jay Stringer, one of the things that's so helpful is that he really kind of really gets down to these core issues of having compassion on yourself. And it, yeah, it seems like a mystery of like, what the heck, when is this thing gonna be away? You know, how am I gonna be done with it? And then you get upset about the fact that you got upset about getting upset that you were upset. It's just this cycle of scrupulosity and shame and it's just like, ok, hit the time out. You know, you are not defined by your weakness. You know, you're more than that. And yeah, you, you had a little setback but you know what your heart's in the right place. You can have victory in this regard. And so don't give up like, let's just keep fighting at this thing because maybe this false notion of freedom is what's holding you back of thinking. Uh You know, maybe you grew up with a lot of scrupulosity, maybe with an overly authoritarian parent, you know, maybe in a home environment where you felt you needed to earn the love of the father. And as long as you kept screwing up, it's just like, man, until I get that straight. A's until I, until I win that state champion being in ship until I do all things, right? The father's never really gonna approve of me. And if we think that, hey, winning his love is impossible, sometimes we just sit down in our shame and be like you, you resign yourself. It's kind of like the movie, The Shawshank Redemption where there's that guy who lived basically most of his whole life and you know, in prison and then he finally was getting released from prison. What's the first thing he did? Like he tried to commit a crime in the prison so he could stay in prison longer because for him, it, it had become like a, a false companion. It's all that he ever knew was that. And so in the same respect, porn or unwanted sexual behavior becomes our false companion that goes with us through some really dark times of life. That time I was laid out for my job and I was lonely and I was struggling with this and that I could always go to that to find a little bit of comfort. It becomes almost a maternal sensuality that it's sexual, but there's a maternal element to it. And that's why porn keeps us as boys. Because if you think about it, when we're conceived in our mothers, we associate the woman's body with comfort and warmth and safety, then you're born into the world. And again, the woman's body, I'm crying. Well, your nurse and your mother holds you at her breast. And again, the body is a source of comfort and warmth and consolation and all these things. And then eventually the boy gets weaned and grows in enough strength to become a source of consolation for the woman. And that's the ascent towards manhood. And, but what porn does is it retards the entire process of masculine development. Where now in your moments of desolation, you're running back to the woman for consolation instead of being a source of consolation for her. And so once you, once we start understanding like, what am I really doing here and why, why is this having the effect that it is? Sometimes you can kind of stop beating yourself up and be like, ok, here's what's going on. I understand my shame a little bit. I understand my cravings. And so I don't need to identify with shame because they say, you know, guilt is that you did something wrong, but shame is that you are wrong because of what you did. It's like that quote I once heard from a priest that God knows your sins, but he calls you by your name. The devil knows your name, but he calls you by your sins. And so just be mindful if, if you're trying to identify yourself by your sins, that's not the voice of God. That's so beautiful. Jason, my goodness gracious. Well, but you know, to that point that you just made at the end there, you know, in revelation chapter 12, verse 10, Satan is called the accuser of our brethren who accused him day and night before the throne of God. Conversely, the Holy Spirit is called the uh parachute, which they tell me means defense a turn. I love that. Uh this idea that the father is on our side, you know, you're not the enemy, there is an enemy and it is not you. You are a beloved son so good. We've touched on this a couple of times, but I just want to put a picture in people's minds. So let's say you get porn out of your life. Let's say you, you learn to master, you know, your desires and you're not falling and on wanted sexual behavior. What does that leave you free to do? Like again, we've touched on this a little bit. But I'm curious, Matt, what would you say? Like, what sort of freedom waits people for people on the other side? Because I feel like sometimes all we hear about is like, just quit porn, quit porn, quit porn, but we're not really selling them. The vision on the other side. Yeah, that's a good point. I tell you the times I feel most masculine is when I am serving my wife, when I, but I feel like I am offering my strength to her and the kids and I'm not just trying to take it from them. There's something so right about that and it's so liberating. It's almost like I'm no longer driving in second gear. I'm in fifth gear and I'm cruising and I'm 11 as I should. So I don't know, that could be part of what you experience as you begin to break free of this stuff, begin to feel like you're living the way that you should now, maybe you weren't, you know, maybe you could quit porn and then just replace the addiction or still waste your life in a mind numbing time killing pursuits. But one thing I like to think about is and, and Jason forgive. You can tell me if I stole this from you, I steal much from you because you have, you say things so well. But when a person battles against pornography, he's actually growing as a, his, his virtues are sort of growing together. He's not just growing in sexual purity, but he's growing in like, like think about what's required of the man who makes the decision to stop looking at porn, not just chastity, it's moral courage, patience and humility. Like the battle itself can be a way that I kind of grow as a man. So that when I find a good degree of freedom from it, it's not like I'm as I was, except my chastity Health bar is up here. It's like, no, like I, I'm actually becoming a more to put Matthew Kelly, a better version of myself in every respect. I I once seen the stats for porn, biggest porn website in the States, how much porn was consumed in one particular year? And it was 4.5 billion hours that people spent streaming pornographic videos in one year. And you do the math on that. It's 500,000 years of human life wasted on one porn website in one single year. And so now now think of that, OK, what could human beings do with 500,000 additional years of human life for the good of humanity? I mean, you, you can't even conceive how much more good could come into the world and the time that was wasted doing that. But just to get really micro instead of macro like that. I remember talking to father Augustino Torres who was giving counsel to a woman on what should I look for in a potential husband? And he said, make sure you find someone who's fat and he said, faithful available in tea and in terms of the faithful, it's obviously not just I want cheating on other people but obviously the, the fidelity of your imagination, but the one I wanna hone on is available, he said a lot of times when guys get hooked on porn, they're just not available. Not in the sense that he's sitting in a basement looking at porn, but when you're having a conversation with him, he's not even all there. I remember talking to a guy and his girlfriend once and as I was talking to the guy, I was thinking like this guy's got to be hooked on porn like he's just like, he's just not here in the con, he's not fully there. And sure enough, within 10 minutes of conversation, he divulged how, how hooked he is. It just keeps you from being fully present as a man, not only to your partner and to God, but to civilization as a whole. Yeah. And I remember one of the lines, Jason, you would say a lot is like the peace and the joy that come from living this pure life. It's worth more than anything that the world has off. And I found that to be so true as well. Matt, I want to go back to your wife. I think your wife is basically a living saint. Most women, she's like most women, uh wouldn't respond to maybe their husband struggling in the ways that you did in your past, uh, in the way that she did. How did she respond and what can spouses listening right now who are going through this do for their spouse? Yeah. Well, I would say like if you're a fella and you're married, you realize that, you know, maybe to state the obvious, but your wife has every right to be angry, I think, uh, you know, I think a lot of wives fear that they're not allowed to show any negative emotion because if I do that, then that's gonna trigger you. And apparently it's all about you anyway. And so I've got to somehow react to this with a complete stoicism, but I think just kind of giving your spouse the freedom to react however they want to react. Um And I've heard Jason say before that rather than just telling your spouse that you might be engaged in these things, you're ashamed about. What if you went to them with a litany of things that you are doing and have been doing in order to be free out of love for them. That's just, that's also just kind of a more masculine approach. Like here's what I'm doing. I'm not just complaining because I fell again. Now, I'm letting you know that I've implemented this software. I'm going to an essay meeting maybe where I've, you know, I, I've, I no longer have a smartphone and these sorts of things and I want you to know that I'm doing this not primarily for you, primarily for my love of God. And next, because this God has commanded me love you. Well, yeah, it's, it's kind of like a Jaco approach. You know, that ex Navy seal guy, business entrepreneur of just extreme ownership. Like I'm not gonna pass the buck on this. I'm not gonna blame distress in my life. I'm not gonna blame you for not being as sexually available as I might have wanted you to be. I'm not, I'm not gonna sit the plane anywhere. I'm the one who clicked on that website. I'm the one who did this. I own it and I'm gonna get myself out of this. I think that is the hope that the wife needs to see because if it's anything other than that, I mean, it's crushing for a wife, uh, to have the husband pass the book and make excuses and say, well, I'm trying, it's like, could you be trying any more or are you just trying any? Could you not even try any less than you are? Yeah. It's such a good point, right? Like, it's so easy to, the easiest thing in the world is to criticize other people. The hardest thing in the world is to own their own stuff. And that's true in this situation. Yeah. And it, and it pays off because like when II I read one book by Jaco where he just talks about that extreme owner ownership principle and he just talks about him and some other troops when they made some faults on a mission, just totally owned it in front of the commanders and just said, look, it was my fault and I know my fault, my fault, my fault. And it's counterintuitive that you think by taking on the fault that the person would look down on you. But the opposite effect actually happens. It's like, ok, now I actually admire that person. I remember we let go of a company once that we were working with when things didn't go as planned, it just seemed like they were making kind of excuses. Whereas what I was looking for for them just like own it. Yep. Drop the ball. Could have done better. Here's what we're gonna do next time. We probably would have kept him. But the very fact that it was just always another reason I, I just never saw that ownership. We decided, hey, we might want to move in a different direction. So from a, an executive business perspective, bosses, look for that of like, wow, that guy stepped in it but he owns ok, I can see that guy moving forward in this business whereas you got this guy. Yeah, he stepped in it but it's everybody else's fault. Somebody shoved me into it. It's like, ok, that guy's not owning it. Let let's move on. And so same thing in a marriage, I think you might fear that if I really own this stuff, my wife is gonna see me as less of a man. I think the opposite is true. When you, when you own your junk, that's when she's gonna see you as most of a man. It takes a lot of humility to do that. I remember a priest telling me once that Augustin said this. He, he said that Augustin said this. I've never been able to find it, but he said that Augustin wrote that lust is the sin of the proud. Lust is the sin of the proud. And so naturally, the antidote to lust is not just chastity or purity but humility. And so I think it's anyone struggling right now, especially don't just develop the virtue of chassis, develop the virtue of humility because of course, that's the foundation of all the virtues, but it will directly counteract this struggle as well. Yeah. And, and it's not like the, the more pure I get, I suppose I'm stronger and stronger and stronger. I think the opposite is kind of true that the more you grow on purity, the more you just realize your weakness that it first I wanna walk with God, then you trip. It's like, ok, I'll crawl with God. Ok? That's not even working. I just need him to pick me up and just carry me. And so it's returning to this spirit like a child like spirituality, not childish in any respect, but a child like of an utter dependency on the father instead of just trying to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, which never works. Yeah, so true. Uh Before we end up the show, Jason, I had one question for you. I think for people who, who have adopted this life, so who have gotten porn out of their life? Who are living this virtue of purity? I think there's this faulty assumption often that if you live purity before marriage, you're guaranteed to have a great marriage. I know I kind of subconsciously fell into this myself. Why is that not the case? And what other virtues are necessary in order to build a great marriage? Yeah, I think we kind of need to avoid kind of a sexual prosperity gospel when it comes the marriage, uh like a health and wealth kind of thing. Like if you just stay faithful to God and you signed your commitment card, then hey, you did what mattered and you're gonna have a fruitful marriage. Ok. Well, that's, that's covering maybe the sexual piece of marriage. But guess what, 99% of your marriage is not on the bedroom. You know, it's not sexual, what's going on with that other 99 piece when I was interviewing uh Jay Stringer recently, he told me that when he's an evangelical and he was going through his seminary, they had to get 40 hours of psychotherapy before they were allowed to graduate from the seminary. 40 hours of psychotherapy. Like I think that should be part of every pre K A program for marriage preparation. Like, imagine what would happen at the divorce rates if we actually put couples through the ringer like that? Like, OK, is there some junk that you're dragging into your marriage? You're expecting marriage is gonna be some kind of car wash. Whether it be financial, emotional, mental, psychological. Like that's real. Get into the nitty gritty. I'd heard of one Protestant marriage prep program where they gauged how successful it was by how many couples they could get to call off their engagement and they would typically get about 50% of the couples to call off their wedding after going through the course. And that is massively successful. And you think, oh no, it's not. It's breaking up all these future marriages. No, it's not. It's preventing all these future divorces is what's going on there. And so I think what we've got to do is make sure we're not treating marriage prep like triage like something you're doing four months before you get married. Now, we got to be doing this in junior high and high school saving marriages before they even begin. Matt. Anything to add to that in the past. So I'm curious if you were to leave everyone with like one challenge that they can do after listening to this in order to break free, what would that challenge be? Yeah. So I agree with everything Jason said and yet to add to it, I would also point out that neither of us is saying that we have to be saints before we're married. And yeah, because I had this idea when I got married, I was like, I, I kind of get the theology of the body and I'm not sleeping around and you know, like I got this and I had no idea how selfish I was like, especially when kids came and demand how selfish you were either Matt, Nobody knew. Not Jason, not me, not my wife. But it was shocking to me. You know, and I've heard Jason say that like marriage often kind of brings to the surface like oil and water, all the imperfections and, but sometimes I'll say to people who are like, I don't know if I'm ready to get married. I'm like, dude, I've been 17 years married. I'm not ready either, but it's a beautiful thing to grow together. Uh grow in virtue, spouse. Uh One thing, what did you say? One thing, one challenge. Yeah. If you, if you want people to do one thing to break free from unwanted sexual behavior after listening to this, what's one thing that you would challenge to? I, well, I just to kind of circle back to what I said earlier. There's a million things you could say, right? But one thing is to stop justifying entertainment. That's evil. Stop it. Don't watch it. And that might mean smashing your computer. It might mean getting a, a dumb phone, they have these smart looking phones might just mean that living a more radical lifestyle looks different, those around you. So might want to get serious and that seriousness might wanna become visible in making these manly kind of decisions. Awesome. Thank you both. Uh Jason, how can people get the forged book and how can they find you both online? Yeah, if you just go to chast dot com, chastity dot com, they can click on the books and the forge book is available there. And I think if I could throw out one challenge, just just be in today. Don't worry about tomorrow, don't worry about it. I gotta be absent for the next eight years of my life or what about the past? What are the devils so obsessed with getting you either in the past or the future? Because only in the present moment is sanctity to be found. And so all you gotta worry about is today just between now and time to go to bed, just keep your focus there. Don't lose your peace and then I'll kick it over to Matt in terms of how people can get a hold of him. Yeah, I have a podcast called Pints with a Quus. It's on youtube. You could type that in and find it. We have long form discussions. Folks might find it helpful. So good. Thank you both for your time. Honored to, to have you on the show. Everything you said is so, so helpful. We'll throw all the links in the show notes and uh yeah, just honored by both of you have learned so much from you over the years. So keep up with the great work, so much good stuff packed into that interview. Two final thoughts or challenges. One, I'd invite you to actually listen again. If you can make the time. There's so much to digest a lot to learn from that interview. Next, it's a pick up Matt and Jason's book Forged. The subtitle is 33 Days toward Freedom. Just click on the link in the show notes to get that very affordable. And by the way, at this recording, the book is so popular that it's actually on back order. And so if you find that that's the case when you click that link, just set a reminder on your phone to check back in like 2 to 3 weeks. So you can pick up the book. So obviously, in this podcast series, we're talking a lot about sexual Brokenness and how to heal it so often though at the root of sexual compulsion or Brokenness is trauma. But before you can heal it, you have to understand it. And our free mini core trauma titled Why You Feel Broken consists of just five short videos by a trauma therapist with 17 years of experience that answers the questions. What is trauma, what impact does it have on your body? How does it affect your emotions. How does it affect your mind and how does it impact your relationships again? Once you understand what trauma is and how it's affecting you today, then you can begin to heal it and build the life that you long for. If you want to get that free. Course, it's really easy. Just go to restored ministry dot com. Restored ministry ministry, singular dot com slash broken restored ministry dot com slash broken. Sign up for free and then you can begin watching the mini course again. That's restored ministry dot com slash broken. Or just click on the link in the show notes that wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents, divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them. And in closing, always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life. And keep in mind the words of CS Lewis who said you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

#100: How Restored Helps Children of Divorce and Broken Families

What’s brought the most pain and problems into your life? If your answer (or a top answer) is your parents’ divorce or the breakdown of your family, this podcast is for you.

In this episode, we talk about the specific pain and problems your parents’ divorce or family breakdown bring into your life. We also highlight resources to help you heal and build virtue, so you can feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.

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I have a question for you. What has brought the most pain and problems into your life? And if your answer or one of your top answers is your parents' divorce or the breakdown of your family. This podcast is for you. In this episode, we talk about how the trauma of your parents' divorce or your family's breakdown impacts you. We also highlight some resources to help you heal and grow from it so you can feel whole again and break that cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life. Some new stuff that we haven't really shared on the podcast before. So keep listening. Welcome to the restored podcast helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents', divorce, separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again and break the cycle. I'm your host, Joey Panelli. This is episode 100. At this milestone of episode 100. We wanted to explain again how restored and this podcast can help you if you come from a divorce or broken family where you know someone who does. But the best place to start really is with the problem that we solve in order to show you how it can help you. Not long ago, a woman reached out to me that I call Mary and she said that when she was a little girl, she would watch her parents fight all the time. Their marriage was a mess and they really needed help, but they never got the help that they needed. And so the dysfunction just continued on for years. Fast forward to when Mary was in high school, her mom came to her and she said I want to divorce your dad. Mary didn't really know what to say to that. So she told her I just want the fighting to stop her mom went through with the divorce. And what honestly seemed like a solution to a really bad messy situation just made things worse for Mary. It just was one trauma on top of another, one wound on top of another. Now up to this point, Mary didn't really act out, she held her pain inside, but that all changed. When she went to college. She got into the party scene. She started drinking heavily that led to dating the wrong guy. She ended up marrying one of those guys who was a drug addict and an alcoholic and their marriage was obviously a mess as well. Now before long they get pregnant and because Mary was terrified that her baby would grow up in that hell and that dysfunction, she got an abortion that obviously brought a lot more pain into her life. And following that, she divorced her husband repeating the cycle started by her parents, which is super common. Some studies said that people like us who come from divorced families are 2 to 3 times more likely to get divorced than people from intact families, which is already high. And once the dust settled from, from her divorce, she fell into a deep depression and she still deals with some emotional issues to this day. Now, whenever I think of Mary, whenever I tell her story, I cannot help but think what if, what if someone was there for her? What if someone could have gotten her professional help? What if someone could have just showed her how to deal with her pain in healthy ways instead of unhealthy ways? What if someone could have mentored her and building healthy relationships and finding a spouse? I'm super convinced that her life would not turn into the tragedy it became if she had that kind of help. And I know she would agree with me as well. Now, Mary's story is pretty dramatic, but it really illustrates the type of person that we're trying to help. And I know that this is a really heavy topic, but this topic deserves to be talked about because this is such a huge problem. And one of the biggest misconceptions about this problem of broken families and divorce and all that is how big it is according to the US. Census each year, over 1 million American Children endure their parents divorce 1 million. It's hard to even wrap your head around that number and they define child as anyone 17 and younger. And that means that right now there are tens of millions of young people right now again, from broken families who are not getting the help that they need and that they frankly deserve. Like Mary. I also come from a broken family. I'll never forget the day that my mom broke the news that she and my dad were getting divorce. It just absolutely shattered my world. It came completely out of the blue and it brought so much pain and so many problems into my life. But that day I remember just being unable as an 11 year old boy to handle that news, to cope with that news. And so I just hid in the closet and I cried and sitting in that closet. I couldn't have put it in towards then, but I felt abandoned. I felt unwanted. I felt like I just wasn't good enough. And in the days and months and even years that followed, I dealt with all sorts of pain and problems. I dealt with emotional problems, like anxiety, depression, loneliness, a lot of anger for me. As a boy, I dealt with relationship issues. If someone would have told me the ways in which my parents divorced, the breakdown of my family would impact my future friendships dating relationships, even my own marriage, I probably wouldn't have believed them. I was terrified of love, terrified of marriage, terrified of relationships because I didn't want mine to end the way that my parents' marriage had. And I felt so lost and clueless when it came to building lasting love. And then finally I fell into bad habits around the time when my parents split, a buddy of mine introduced me to pornography. And so I got hooked on that stuff. And through all of that, I just, you know, before long, I knew that I was so unhappy, I felt so unhappy, so empty, so broken. And I knew that I wanted to be happy. Even as a boy, I knew I wanted to be happy and I knew to be happy I needed to heal. And so I looked around for some help and I was shocked to find that there was pretty much nothing, nothing practical for a young person like me who came from a broken family who wanted help with that in particular. And the reason I was shocked because I looked around and I saw friends of mine who were going through their parents divorce and really struggling often in serious ways. I saw how my siblings were struggling. And over the years I started reading the research and just understanding that this is a huge problem. But for some reason, nobody is really talking about it because divorce is just seen as normal. And as a result, these young people, my friends, my siblings myself, we not getting the help that we deserve since resources just don't exist for us. And so after doing business school, scaling a business in the business world, getting my MB A doing all that stuff, I wanted to take those skills and build resources for that little me for that Mary that I told you about a little earlier. But before we get into the solution to the resources that we offer, I want to stay with the problem and go deeper into it. I want to take a look at the research. What does the research have to say about this problem? And the real question is how does divorce affect the Children? And by extension, how do really dysfunctional families affect the Children? Know the research shows that Children of divorce are more likely to have social problems, behavioral problems, they're more likely to struggle in their relationship with their parents, struggle in romantic relationships, more likely to get divorced, more likely to struggle with depression or violence. They're at higher risk for suicidal attempts, more health problems, less success in school, more emotional problems and lower self esteem. And one of the sources for those findings was a meta analysis by Dr Paul Amato from Penn State University is one of the foremost authorities on this topic. And he looked at 67 different studies that have been conducted on Children of divorce and he summarized those findings in his meta analysis which was published in the journal of family psychology. Another researcher who spent a lot of time studying Children of divorce is Dr Judy. Well, if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you've probably heard me talk about her. She did a 25 year long study on Children of divorced, the longest study that we have to date on this topic. And she wrote about all of this in her book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. She studied 100 and 31 young people from 60 families. And one important detail about her research is that she only chose Children who didn't have any emotional or developmental problems prior to the divorce. And then she observed the effect that the the divorce had on them and compared them to their peers who came from intact families. And by the way, going into this research, Dr Judith expected the effects of their parents' divorce to be minimal and temporary. So, you know, they would be minor if any at all and they would be short lived if they were there. And after years of researching this, she said that she said our findings challenge the myth that divorce is a transient crisis. And then as soon as parents reestablish their lives, the Children will recover fully. That doesn't happen in her research. She found that Children of divorce were less likely to get married, they were more likely to get divorced. They were less likely to have Children. They were much more likely to heavily use drugs and alcohol. During high school, they were less likely to finish high school, less likely to go to college, more likely to drop out and far less likely to receive financial support from their parents. And the men interestingly were far less likely to enter an intimate relationship. And Doctor Judith said this. She said parents like to believe that if they are unhappy in their marriage, the Children also will be unhappy. Conversely, if divorce is better for them, it will be better for the Children. But things don't work that way. Children frequently do not share their parents unhappiness with a problematic marriage while a divorce brings pain into their lives that until now has gone unrecognized. She goes on to say that we are allowing the Children to bear the psychological, economic and moral brunt of divorce. Two main takeaways from her research. The first is that the full effects from your parents', divorce aren't actually experienced until adulthood. She called that the sleeper effect. That doesn't mean you're not affected before then, but it just means that the the full effects come out around college age and beyond. And the area of our lives is most impacted by our parents, divorce by the break 10 of our family is our own relationships, especially our romantic relationships in our marriage. And so now that I've made you all clinically depressed. I just want you to know there is good news we're going to get into that. There's resources you can use to heal, to overcome a lot of these negative effects. And so we're going to get into all that. But before we talk about the solution, we have to talk about the problem. And that's why we wanted to go into a lot of the research about this topic. But please, again, there is hope I know this is a heavy topic but it deserves to be talked about because these young people who are struggling, they deserve our help. And speaking of young people who come from a broken family, if you are a young person who does come from a broken family or maybe not so a young person who comes from a broken family, I wanted to say a few things to you first. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I get it. I know how painful it can be. I'm so sorry for what you've been through, what you've been through, losing your parents, losing one or both of your parents, your parents splitting, losing your home, whatever you've been through, it's such an injustice to you regardless of the reason. Maybe it was justified. Maybe it wasn't, it's such an injustice to you because every child deserves a mom and a dad who love each other and who stick together and provide stability for you. And that was taken from you. And so I'm so sorry for you. I want you to know too that it's not your fault, it's not your fault. Like we feel responsible, don't we? I, I know I felt that way like there's something I could have done to prevent that from happening. But just remember you didn't cause it, you couldn't have prevented it. And there's certainly nothing you personally on your own can do to fix it. It's not your responsibility. Your parents got themselves into the situation. They are the ones who need to fix it. And what I often say to young people that I mentor is that the problems that led to your parents', separation and divorce were likely there long before you were. So it's not your fault. I want you to know too that you're not doomed to repeat your parents' mistakes. You're not doomed to repeat your family's dysfunction. You can write your own sword. You can have a beautiful marriage, you can have a beautiful family. You can, you know, live a life that's totally different than your parents. And I'm sure they want that for you as well. So remember, you can write your own story and finally, you're not alone. That's such a struggle for people like us. We feel so alone because this topic is never talked about. And so it's, it's a real struggle, but I just want you to know you are not alone like I said before, there are millions of people like us who are struggling with the same things. And so what we want to do at rest sort is not only provide resources for you, but hopefully connect you with other people. So you can realize, wow, I thought I was the only one and realize that you're not. So again, we'll mention resources to help you feel less alone and to navigate those pain and problems and even to, to find healing. And if you're listening and you're not from a broken family, um I just invite you to think about people, you know, who are like, you likely know someone who, who is and I'm guessing that's why you're listening to this podcast. But just think about that, like, who do you know who comes from a broken family and how have you seen them struggle because of it? And it's not always apparent on the surface because often people like us get really good at presenting a good exterior, but interiorly, we're really struggling and we don't know what to do with it. We feel stuck, we feel broken, we, you know, are struggling with all sorts of pain and problems. And so just, you know, give them some thought and I'm so glad you're here and we're going to give you some tools that you can use to help them. So all of that, you know, my own story, seeing my siblings struggle, understanding like there's so many people out there reading the research led me to start this podcast and the ministry behind it called Restore Word. And so what we do is we help teenagers and young adults from divorced or broken families to heal and build virtue so they can feel whole again and break that cycle in their own lives. And our ultimate vision is to not only break the cycle but really reverse it by helping young people again, to heal the trauma that they've been through and to build virtue so that they can build healthy relationships, strong marriages and good families. And if they don't heal and they don't build virtue, they're statistically much more likely to get divorced themselves and to repeat that cycle for generations. And what we've seen is that again, if you carry around untreated trauma, trauma that hasn't been healed and you're living a life of vice of sin, of bad habits, then you're going to build really unhealthy relationships to be frank, you're going to build really weak relationships which will lead to broken marriages, which will lead to weak families. And I believe that's why we're in the mess we are in our culture today. But on the flip side, if you can heal the trauma you've endured, if you can build virtue and get that, you know, those bad habits out of your life, you're going to go on and build those healthy relationships, a strong marriage and good families, which I'm convinced will transform our culture. And so that's our vision. We want to help these young people who come from broken families. But how do we do that? And like I mentioned, we want to build or connect you with resources that help you heal and build virtue, which those resources fall into one of three categories, content, coaching and community. So content, I'll mention our resources there. We have this podcast, of course, it's the top podcast for Children of divorce. And if you've been listening, you know that on it, we feature expert interviews and stories that offer really practical advice on how to navigate the pain and the problems from your parents, divorce or your broken family, how to heal from that trauma, how to build the virtue so you can feel whole again and break that cycle. In addition to the podcast, we have books, we have one book right now. We're working on our second one right now. The first book I wrote is called It's Not Your Fault, a practical guide to navigating the pain and problems from your parents' divorce. And in that book, we just feature 33 questions and answers on the most pressing challenges faced by teens and young adults who come from divorce or broken families. Our future book is research based. I'll kind of tease it there and in the future, I'll tell you much more about that book will be coming out. Hopefully by the end of this year. Um But really, really excited about that. Well, and then we also offer speaking engagements. So typically 45 minute keynote or breakout sessions, uh the three talks that we have right now will likely be adding more in the future is what I wish someone told me when my parents divorced and that talk, I just go through my story, share my story. I talk about kind of what you can do to navigate the pain and the problems. How do you cope in healthy ways instead of unhealthy ways? How do you find healing? What are some practical things you can do and how do you begin building healthy relationships? The next one is uh relationship talk and that's seven tips to build a healthy relationship and divorce proof marriage. So, in that talk, we look at a lot of psychological research and what does it take to build a divorce proof marriage, a really healthy thriving marriage. Uh What about, you know, really beautiful couples who've done it? What can they teach us? It's really a road map on how to build a healthy relationship and divorce proof marriage. And then finally a talk for parents or anyone who loves or leads young people who come from broken families. And that's titled 10 Tips to help someone whose parents are separated or divorced. We've gotten a lot of good feedback on that one. That's one of our newest talks. And so that's those are speaking engagements. We'd love to work with you if you, you know, are in a position to host us in a school church, maybe a retreat or some sort of an event like a conference. We'd love to work with you. And uh we'll mention all at the end about how you can get in touch with us to book one of those. Recently, we released video courses. So we have two video courses at the moment that are free. Um And the first one is broken to whole tactics to heal from your parents', divorce or broken marriage. And that's actually taught by a trauma therapist who's been treating trauma for 17 years. She knows a lot about trauma, a lot about what it takes to heal it. And if you're not ready for that full course, we have kind of a mini version of it called why you feel broken. And so we'll tell you again how to get all of that. The second course though is real, help a guide to confidently help someone from a divorce or broken family. And that's taught by me. We're just taking everything we've learned through my experience, the experience of people. I've known closely the young people, hundreds of young people that we've spoken to and mentored. Um All of you who listen to this show, who've reached out, we've taken all those learnings and we've given a guide to people who are in our lives who don't come from a broken family and how they can help people like us. We also do workshops that's titled How To Heal From The Trauma of your broken family. Tools and tactics to feel whole again and thrive. And my team and I offer daylong workshops which includes myself, a trauma therapist and other speakers. And we give talks, we bring you through exercises and we're just there to talk with everyone in the audience, one on one. And then in addition to all that, we also have the ability for you to share your story. We have a short form on our website sites that guides you in telling a short version of your story. You can share what you've been through what's helped you to heal and navigate the pain and problems. And then we'll actually turn that into an anonymous blog article uh to help other people. We also have uh ask restored. It's a feature on this show where you can submit questions and then my guests or I will answer those questions on this show. And then finally, we have an assessment. It's a new assessment that will help you just name and diagnose your Brokenness. You can heal it at its roots and not just treat the symptoms and build the life and relationships that you want. And so that's content. Now, we have coaching as well. We're building referral networks of coaches that we trust that we vet that we recommend. And there's a few different categories there. Uh counselors, obviously, therapists that we trust vet and recommend uh mentors. People maybe don't have the formal training and counseling, but they have a lot of advice, a lot of wisdom just from their life experience, spiritual directors. And we also want to start a program called The School of Love. One of the clear trends that we've seen from the 90 plus interviews and the hundreds of young people that we've spoken to, if not more, is that something that's really, really healing is actually just spending time with good marriages and families. I found that incredibly helpful as well. There are two families, two couples that I just looked up to a ton who really taught me, you know, that it was not only possible to build a beautiful marriage that gave me a lot of hope because I thought it wasn't, but also some tactics on how to do it. I saw how they would interact, how they would speak to each other. And so uh that school of love is what we want to do with. It is basically pair up good marriages and families with young people who come from broken families and they would spend maybe a couple of days a month together, doing chores around the house, sharing a meal together, a bonfire or whatever, just spending time together can be incredibly helpful. So with all that, whenever it comes to finding a mentor or a coach or a counselor, uh the challenge is always, uh what do you look? How do you find a good one? How do you know that the one you're choosing is the right one for you? And so we're working to solve that for you by building this referral network of coaches that we trust that we vet that we recommend. And so it's a work in progress at the moment. Um But it's something that we really want to build down, we can see that being super, super valuable. So that's coaching and then finally, community so friendship, I'm sure you've known this in your own life is incredibly healing. It can help you grow, it can help you become the best version of yourself because you become like your friends. And so the people you surround yourself with is really, really important. And so right now, we have a community that's online, that's on whatsapp at the moment. And it allows young people who come from broken families to really just speak openly about the pain and the problems that they're dealing with uh to find resources or ideas for how to solve those problems and ultimately know that they're not alone and also be challenged to grow because we don't want to just stay where we are or brood on, you know, this, these difficult things we've been through in our life, we want to close that chapter and move on. And eventually we want to take those groups offline too. And set up in person groups as well. And so that just scratches the surface of our resources of content coaching and community. We have more that we want to do in the future as well. But we firmly believe that each of those things, content coaching and community can be truly life changing. They can be solutions to the trauma of divorce and broken families. I know they have been for me, each of those things has helped me. A tonn helped me to grow, help me to heal, help me to build virtue um and become a better man. So I want you to imagine Mary, the woman whose story I shared at the beginning, imagine she had all of that. Imagine she had all of that. I'm so convinced that her life would have been totally different. She could have avoided a ton of pain and problems if she had resources like this. And the great news is that all of that is working. I wanted to share some stories uh because I don't do that a lot in this podcast and you guys really deserve to know that this is working and we're not offering like a silver bullet here, something that's going to fix all of your pain and problems and immediately heal you. That's not gonna happen if someone tells you that they have that be wary. But our resources are really helping people and we've barely marketed restored. But we've already heard that countless people have been helped. And so one day I got on the phone with a woman who I'm going to keep her confidential. But, uh, she said that when her parents divorced at 10 years old, it was really impactful for her. She was, and now she's 50. And so she's been dealing with the pain and the problems, uh, from her parents' divorce for 40 years, she's done 30 years of counseling. Uh, the counselors didn't really understand the problems she was going through couldn't really help her because they didn't really, again understand the problem. They thought divorce was normal. It wasn't a big deal. But hearing that she's been through 30 years of counseling, you might think, well, maybe she's kind of a crazy woman. That's not the case at all. She's a wonderful woman. She's been happily married, she has kids. Um, she, you know, has had a lot of financial success, had a successful career, all of that and you would not be able to tell from the outside looking in, but inside, she struggled a lot. And so when she found this podcast, she said it was an answer to her prayers. She said that the podcast alone has been more effective in helping her heal than 30 years of counseling. And if that wasn't enough, the next part she shared with me really brought me to tears. She said that one of her particular struggles sometimes is suicidal thoughts and tendencies. And so Now, when she starts to go down that dark path, she'll put on this podcast, she'll listen to the interviews and she said it immediately helps. So she told me, she said, Joey, this podcast is a ministry has literally saved my life. And another thing too I wanted to share is we've been very effective on this podcast at getting people to counseling. One woman said this. She said, I know this, I say this all the time, but that last interview was really good. I shared it today. And two hours later, a lady commented that she listened to the podcast and finally, after 20 years since her parents divorce just made an appointment for counseling. Bam. That's awesome. There's some other reviews and testimonials. I want to go through some of them. One young man said this. He shared this with me. He said, I absolutely love the podcast. It seriously feels like a life hack listening to it. It helps so much. What you're doing here is very important and meaningful. I haven't seen any other attempts to support people who suffer from their parents divorces and even if there are other attempts out there, yours is likely far superior. I'm not particularly religious though, that doesn't mean I'm not open minded. It's more of a habit developed from years of being angry at whatever divine being is out there. This podcast and everything you're doing is extremely helpful to anyone religious or not who is struggling with their broken family. I hope you make 1000 more episodes on your podcast because that's what really made me realize that all the weird stuff I've been through isn't abnormal for someone in our position, which is beyond healing. Keep doing what you're doing. You're really making a significant positive impact on people's lives. A young woman who listens said this. She said this podcast has seriously blessed me. Every episode leaves me feeling so seen so known and so loved. It's really nice to be reminded that I'm not alone and to have validated my experience with my parents divorce. I love that. Each episode leaves me feeling encouraged, hopeful and inspired. I feel so so supported to this podcast. I'm continually learning growing and even healing through each and every episode I listen to. I've even discovered lots of additional resources to support me through just giving these episodes a listen. It's so helpful. I can't recommend this podcast enough. Truly, I'm 13 episodes in and I've been blessed by every minute spent listening and I look forward to slowly but surely listening to all the rest of them. Another woman said this. She said finally a podcast that helps me understand why my parents divorced when I was five affected me so much. Joey's guests are articulate and every episode helps me heal. I normally avoid religious content. But this show is so focused on felt experience that it doesn't come across as religious at all. Major props for that. Another listener said, must listen, I'm not religious. So some ideas discussed here are new to me yet have gotten so much out of this podcast. I breathe easier. Listening to Joey discuss a lot of the common feelings, adult Children of divorce experience. Another listener said that this podcast is extremely helpful and validating and I give them so much credit for chat challenging the culture's narrative that divorce isn't a big deal or that the onus is on the Children involved to be resilient. Thank you to the guests who have shared their vulnerable stories. I'm over 40 years old and still deal with the effects of my parents breaking our family. The effects of divorce will last a lifetime for the Children involved. And this podcast is a wonderful resource for them to not feel alone and to foster healing and hope. Thank you. So, those testimonials of which there's a lot more are all related to the podcast. But just to add two more again, of many about our other resources. So after a speaking engagement, I did for 100 and 75 young people in Denver, we got this feedback from the person who hired us to speak. She said I went to a friend's house this weekend for a girls game night, the girl I sat next to just got married within the last seven months. She said she watched her marriage talk three times because she found it so helpful about my book. It's not your fault. Uh Alison wrote this on Amazon. She said I bought your book for someone very close to me who is going through their parents divorce as a young adult. It really, really helped him and was a major turning point in his healing journey. Highly recommend. I'm so glad this is a resource and I don't share all of that to boast though. I am really proud of my team and what we've been able to accomplish and how we've been able to help you guys. But really just to show you that these resources work, people are finding them helpful. Now, if you're new to the show, you might be wondering a little bit about me, like who are you? You know, I shared a little bit of my source. So you know that, but what gives me the credentials or the ability to stand up here and talk in front of you guys? Um Because the truth is I'm not a psychologist. I don't have my phd and so on this podcast and overall, in this nonprofit, this ministry, I really take the posture of a curator and a guinea pig. So a curator, I want to give you access to people. You maybe normally wouldn't have access to and then ask the right questions to build resources with them. Uh So you can get the answers that you deserve to help you heal and grow and when I say guinea pig, what I mean is I want you to learn from me from my story from the mistakes I've made the things that I have also worked for me um as an older brother. So again, I want to be able to help you along the path as well, just based on my experience. But I'm not a traditional expert or guru who's figured it all out, who doesn't struggle at all? No, that's not the case at all. But again, I want to be a curator kind of facilitate the conversations and be a guinea pig. So you guys can learn uh from my experience. But a little bit more about what I do bring to the table. In addition to that for almost 20 years, I've wrestled with the pain and the problems from my parents' divorce and I've sought solutions to the problems. I've done over 10 years of spiritual direction. I've done seven plus years of counseling. In addition to hosting this podcast, I've spoken across the US and abroad in Europe and Central America. And uh with the launch of that first book I mentioned, it's not your fault. I became an author. I've spoken mostly in the Catholic world, which I, I love doing, but I love to break out of that as well. I've spoken at Franciscan University of Steubenville Ave Maria University, the Archdiocese of Denver, the Archdiocese of San Francisco, the Diocese of San Diego. Focus the Fellowship of Catholic university students and so much more. Um I've also been a guest on Relevant radio's the Drew Mariani show. It's a really popular radio show that reaches millions of people. Uh Ewtns women made new and Jason Everetts Less is boring podcast. I mentioned before that I got my MB A and I've scaled the business and neck deep in the business world. And so I want to again, use those skills to build or point you to resources that will help you to heal and grow. And most importantly, I'm a husband and a father. Um I'm trying to live this stuff out every day again. I don't do that perfectly. I mess up, but I'm trying, I'm a practitioner again, I'm not a guru who's figured it all out, who's just pointing you along the way. But I am a practitioner, someone who's trying to live this stuff out. And for some of you, I am a few steps ahead. And so I want to help you wherever I can as well. But with that, I want to hit on some common questions that come up around this podcast around restored before we close out the show. The first one is, is this show, is this ministry only for True of Divorce. No, it's not. Your parents don't need to be divorced for you to benefit from our resources from what we're offering if they're separated perhaps, or their marriage may be just really broken. And your family was really dysfunctional growing up or even now. Uh this podcast in this ministry is totally for you. The experiences and the negative effects from those experiences are very similar can be very similar as if your parents were divorced. We also serve people like I mentioned who love or lead someone who comes from a divorce for broken families such as parents, grandparents, siblings, significant, others like a spouse, fiance, boyfriend, girlfriend, relatives, cousins, aunts, uncles, et cetera, friends, uh coaches, you know, teachers, pastors, youth ministers, and missionaries, anyone who leads people who come from broken families. Another question that comes up is, is this only for teenagers and young adults? Now, I will say we do primarily serve teenagers and young adults. Anyone who's like 13 to 30 or 35 or so. Uh But like I said before, if you find our content helpful, this is for you like no matter your age, you're more than welcome here. If you find this content helpful. Uh The reason we picked that age group is just because I felt called to them. I felt equipped to serve them. I honestly thought that our resources would be too basic to help someone above or beyond that age group. But I've actually was totally wrong about that. We've heard quite a few of you who have given us feedback that you know, you're older outside of that age range. But you've found, you know, our content, our our resources really, really helpful like I shared before. Uh And then the final question that comes up or misconception is that, are you trying to turn Children against their parents? Absolutely not. This is a big misconception about this podcast and about restored because we, you know, talk about these tough topics in a very blunt way. Uh People think that maybe we're trying to drive a wedge between parents and their Children. That is not true. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, there was a study of high school students where they found that uh the high school students who came from divorced families or parents who were divorced, they were more likely to struggle with depression, anxiety and loneliness. However, they found that those students who came from divorced families who had a good relationship with one or both parents were less likely to struggle with depression, anxiety and loneliness. And so parents, you play a key role in helping your Children to heal, to help mitigate those negative effects. And so since parents play such a key role in helping the people that we're trying to serve to heal, why in the world would we want to turn Children against their parents? The opposite is actually true. We want to help Children and parents to heal their relationship, which is sometimes a long road. It takes a while, but we want to help heal that relationship. And so parents, any parents listening, right. Now, please know that our content, our resources um, aren't here to condemn you in any way. We're not judging you. We're not tearing you down. Uh, I don't know your situation. I know you've dirt a lot and I'm so sorry for any of the pain that you've been through. I can't imagine what you've been through. And so we're not here to minimize your pain. Um We're really just intent on our only intention truly is to help your sons, your daughters to heal and to grow. But the first step is truly acknowledging the pain and the trauma that they've been through. I mean, imagine in the medical world, right, if you have cancer before you can heal the cancer, you first have to know that you have cancer and then you have to know uh what type of cancer it is before you can treat it and heal it and hopefully overcome it. And so that's what we want to do on the emotional side in this podcast and our resources. And so in the process, we're going to speak some uncomfortable truths. So please be prepared for that if you're a new listener that's not done on a spite or anger, but really again, a desire to help your Children because we both want the same thing. We want your Children to be healthy, to be whole, to thrive in life and have a great relationship with you. And so with that, if this podcast has helped any of you listening and you want to help us back. Uh There's three things that you can do. The first is just make use of our resources. You can view our resources, uh the link I'm about to share and then just pick one and start with one. You know, maybe you've been listening to the podcast for a while and you want to check out the book, go ahead and check out the book or maybe you want to try some of our free video courses. Go ahead and do that. So just view our resources. Pick one and start with that. You can go to the show notes at restored ministry dot com slash 100 again restored ministry ministry singular dot com slash 100. You just click on the link in the description, you'll get a list of our resources, you can pick the one that you want to start with. The second thing is we just launched our restored podcast survey uh because we want your advice on the topics, the guests and even the future style of this show. And so it takes 5, 10 minutes uh to do, but it really is helpful because it allows us to understand who you are, what you're struggling with, what you want, help with and what you want those podcasts to become. We want to serve you better. And the only way we can do that is if you tell us how we can serve you better. And so you'll be guided through that survey and we'd love to hear from you again, you can have a hand in forming the future of this show. And if you found it helpful, that's one way that you could help us back. And so you can go to restored ministry dot com slash survey. Again, restored ministry dot com slash survey. Just click on the link in the description. And finally, if you're interested in helping us reach even more young people from broken families by funding this podcast or this ministry. I'd love to actually meet with you personally on a video or audio call. Um I can share more stories. I can share our goals, future projects that we have. And so if you want to just go to restored ministry dot com slash donate, you will see a link on that page to schedule a call with me. Uh so restored ministry dot com slash donate. And uh some of the questions that come up around that is our donations tax deductible. They are, we are a 501 c three tax exempt organization. Um People are also wanting to know like what type of support are you're looking for? We have two types of supporters. So we have people who invest um monthly in us. They, you know, are, are giving monthly donations. They range anywhere from, you know, 25 to 50 to $100 to $200 to 300 to even more. We have some people who are generously supporting us. Um But we want to grow, we want go further and help more people. And so, but those are monthly supporters. Um We have people who invest on a special basis or with special gifts, usually that's once a year, but it might be some other uh cadence as well. And so, uh that's, we'd love to have you along. We'd love to have you as, as partners, as investors in this. Uh And the return on this, obviously, we're a nonprofit, but the return on the investment is really impacting the lives of young people, helping them heal, helping us build more resources to reach more young people and really get these resources into their hands. And so I'd love to speak with you personally. If you want to help us reach thousands more young people from broken families again, you can go to restored ministry dot com slash donate or just click on the link in the description wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents, divorce or broken marriage, please share this podcast with them. They truly deserve to know about these resources and to know that they're not alone. And always remember, we're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life. And remember the words of CS Lewis, you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

#099: Healing Sexual Brokenness: The Cure to Unwanted Sexual Behavior | Dr. Bob Schuchts, PhD

Millions of people right now are struggling with sexual compulsion and addiction. It’s a massive problem that doesn’t get the attention or resources it deserves.

Thankfully, in this episode, psychologist Dr. Bob Schuchts offers steps and a resource to heal your sexual brokenness. We also discuss:

• A story of profound healing and transformation

• Dr. Bob’s own past struggles in this area

• How sexual brokenness is often passed down in families through generations

Buy Dr. Bob’s Book: Be Restored

Get the FREE Mini-Course: Why You Feel Broken

Links & Resources

Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through the links on this page, your purchase will support Restored at no additional cost to you. Thank you!

• To leave feedback, comment below or contact us.

• Dr. Bob Schuchts

  • John Pail II Healing Center

  • Restore the Glory Podcast

• Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA)

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TRANSCRIPT

Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!

10 Tips to Help Someone Whose Parents are Separating or Divorcing

7 minute read

A friend recently texted me some sad news: her aunt and uncle are divorcing. Naturally, she is worried about their five children – her cousins. She asked: What can I do to help them? This is my reply, as a child of divorce who has listened to people like me and read the research for years.

1. Don’t Sugarcoat

To console us, well intentioned people may say, “Your family isn’t ending, it is just changing” or “Now you get two homes and twice as many gifts!” The truth is saying things like that is actually harmful.

Why? Because divorce hurts us – regardless of our age and the reason for it. When people make light of it, we feel like we shouldn’t feel so bad. In fact, we may think something is wrong with us for feeling this way. Further, we tend not to trust people who sugarcoat because it’s clear they do not understand how painful it is to watch your parents’ marriage fall apart.

Instead of sugarcoating, call divorce what it is: A tragedy. A really hard thing to endure. An injustice for the children, even in extreme cases where it is necessary. Because every child deserves a healthy family and two parents that choose to love each other and stay together.

2. Listen to How They Feel

Sadly, we often aren’t asked how we feel about it all. The focus is usually on the parents, not us. As a result, we bottle things up inside. Even if we’re in pain, we don’t talk about it. And since we don’t, people assume we’re fine.

So, ask them how they feel about it. Give them the chance to express their emotions. If they struggle to put them into words, help them. Research shows that the more specifically they can describe their feelings, the better it is for them. If they don't speak about how they feel, it may come out in anger or other unhealthy ways of coping.

And naturally, really listen. Don’t listen to respond with the “right” answer, listen to really understand them.

3. Validate Their Pain

A friend recently told me the story of a little girl who told her teacher that her parents were divorcing. Her teacher said, “I’m so sorry.” The little girl responded, “Oh no, it’s okay.” Thankfully, the teacher didn’t stop there. She said, “No, it’s not okay. It stinks. It’s not supposed to be this way.” The little girl began to cry and finally admitted how hard it was for her.

Sadly, it is often rare for someone to validate our pain. So tell them: it’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to feel those uncomfortable emotions. If they feel frustrated, angry, abandoned, betrayed, not good enough, or rejected, that’s actually normal given the situation. Instead of stuffing those feelings away, they need to give themselves permission to feel it all.

Say things like, “This isn’t the way it is supposed to be,” “I’m so sorry, this must be really hard,” or “I would feel that way too.”

4. Tell Them: It’s Not Your Fault

After giving a talk to college students, one student told me that her dad still blames her for the divorce that happened about 10 years ago. Hard to believe, I know.

Now, I doubt most parents blame their children for the divorce. But as the children, we may be tempted to blame ourselves for the divorce. Or we may think we could have prevented it.

So, tell them: the divorce is not your fault. You did not cause it. And there is nothing you could have done to prevent it.

5. Be There for Them

When something bad happens in life, we naturally want to fix it and take away the pain. But often, the best response to another’s pain is simply your presence. Just be with them in the pain, as psychotherapist Megan Devine explains so well in this video.

So, make sure they know you are there for them. Tell them they’re not alone and they can talk to you when they need.

And in whatever way is appropriate, make sure they know they are loved. Because chances are, they feel pretty unloved right now.

6. Encourage Them to Journal

Encourage them to write about what's happening and how they feel about it. In her book Emotional Agility, Harvard psychologist Dr. Susan David explains the benefits of writing about emotionally significant events in our lives.

In short, studies show that those who write about emotionally significant events experienced an increase in physical and mental well-being, were happier, less depressed, and less anxious. Thousands of studies have confirmed these and many more benefits.

So encourage them to write. If they need it, buy them a journal.

7. Give Them a Break

They may need a break from home if things are too intense. They may need to stay with you, a relative, or a trusted family friend. It could be for a weekend, a week, a month, or even an extended time.

8. Tell Them: God Doesn’t Want This

If they’re religious, they likely struggle to understand why God would let this happen.

It’s important they know that God does not want this to happen. He hates that this is happening. In fact, the Bible says he hates divorce (see Malachi 2:16). Even if it is necessary and the right choice in a particular situation, it’s not the ideal that he wants. But he is right there with them in the midst of the pain.

9. Help Them Set Healthy Boundaries

They need to know it’s okay to set and enforce boundaries with Mom and Dad. For example, if Dad is saying bad things about Mom, they can and should say, "Dad, it hurts me when you say those things about Mom. Would you please not talk about Mom around me?"

Also, make sure they know that as children, they are not meant to be their parents’ emotional support. From experience, I have seen how damaging that can be for the children.

So, boundaries are needed. Encourage them to say things like, "Mom, I know this is really hard for you. But it's really difficult to hear all of this. Would you please talk to a friend or someone else about all of this? I want to love you, but I need to do it in another way."

10. Show Them Good Marriages

Seeing our parents’ marriage fall apart usually makes us believe that love and marriage don’t last. And so, we may run from it. Even if we overcome that fear and try to build lasting love, our concept of love and marriage is broken. Simply put, we don’t have a roadmap for love.

This can’t be fixed overnight. And now may not be the right time to address this. But one way to heal our broken concept of love and marriage is to show us what a good marriage is supposed to look like. Not in theory, but in reality.

And so, if you have a good marriage (not perfect, good) invite them to spend time with you and your family. If not, arrange for them to spend time with a good couple and their family.

This Advice Isn’t Enough

While the advice above is helpful, it isn’t enough. They need more help. That’s why Restored exists: to help children of divorce. We offer the practical guidance and support they need to heal and grow from the trauma of their parents’ separation or divorce, so they can feel whole again and thrive. And so, invite them to listen to our podcast or send them the free chapters to our new book, It’s Not Your Fault.

We believe they shouldn't have to face this alone. We’re here to give them the help they deserve.

PS - The advice above assumes there is trust between you and the person whose parents are separating or divorcing. Not the case? Start by building a relationship, so they trust you. Be vulnerable with them, so they feel comfortable opening up to you.

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FREE Course

In only 2 hours, learn how to help someone from a divorced or broken family:

• Understand their pain and experience through studies and stories

• Do or say the right things and avoid the wrong ones

• Feel competent and confident in offering help

• Learn about resources to help them

• Help them break the cycle and avoid passing their brokenness onto the people they love the most