I Had to Learn to Protect My Peace and My Sanity
4 minute read.
This story was written by an anonymous woman at 22 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 11. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
Her STORY
My parents got divorced after many close calls and after years of an unstable and unhealthy marriage. My dad has a side of him that can be mean, controlling, and verbally and emotionally abusive. He had controlling ways that he viewed as showing love. He has a side of him that can be just beyond nice and kind and selfless, but on the other hand, he has a side of him that can be ruthlessly mean to the point of abuse. I have had to distance myself from him and my relationship with him is strained and complicated, but he still reaches out to me as if nothing has ever happened. A therapist described it as that he has two mirrors in which he sees himself as a good dad and the other where he sees himself as the victim of the woman he has been married to. Previously, he and I had been close up until shortly before my nineteenth birthday when I had to leave from living with him. Things have been complicated since then and still are to this day. I have had to learn to set limits and boundaries in my interactions with him, as painful as it is- to protect my peace and my sanity. This is where things currently are as he has now moved away to Mexico, his home country, since the beginning of this year.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL
It left a bad taste in my mouth about marriage, especially after I ended up learning the details behind their unhealthy marriage, close calls to divorce, and how both of them vented their feelings towards each other to me. Soon after the official separation, my mom got together with another man when I was about twelve, and they got married when I was thirteen. My relationship with her changed a lot around these times, too. She and I had many emotional arguments and fights around her new relationship. This too made me tell myself that I would never get married. Marriage has been a sore matter for me for so long due to my parent's unhealthy marriage and divorce and due to my mother's remarriage. My stepdad and I ended up not getting along. Many yelling episodes over the years, misunderstandings, us triggering each other, and it continued until we finally had to set boundaries. He and I don't see each other much anymore. My mom made that call. Now, I am trying to work on my healing from the soreness and resentment of the matter that marriage was for me for years.
HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her
As a teenager, there were many conflicts between them about me. At sixteen and seventeen, I fell into a depression. Mom wanted me on antidepressants, Dad was against it. Mom wanted us to move, Dad did not. My mom vented her anger towards him to me, my dad did the same with his anger towards my mom. Mom wanted me to live with her. Dad wanted me with him. Both gave me reasons opposing the other. This made my adolescent years a living hell. I experienced strong emotions of mere anger and mere sorrow that resulted in many nights of loud and intense crying and screaming at the top of my lungs. My parents didn't know what to do. I was never actually suicidal, but there were times when I was seventeen where I said I wanted to kill myself. I never truly did and I never attempted, but my mom took me to behavioral health on a few occasions. It hurts so much to relive this, but I am sharing my story to heal for myself and my prayer is that it makes someone feel less alone.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
- It is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault.
- You are not responsible for your parents getting along.
- You are not doomed to repeat this cycle of unhealthy marriage and divorce.
- To a child, one day, you will grow up. You will realize that this is behind you and you will be able to gain perspective. You will be able to find healing so that you can feel whole and happy and hopeful again. Your parent’s divorce does not have to define your life, your future or how successful you can be. You will be able to choose for yourself.
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