I Had to Keep It a Secret for a Year

4-minute read.

This story was written by James at 20 years old. His parents divorced the same year. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

HIS STORY

My parents had a rather miserable 20 or so years of marriage, often arguing and the like. And then, one day, soon after my birthday I think, my mom came home crying. My siblings were in school; I was the only one in the house besides her. She didn't want to tell me, but it turned out my dad cheated on her.

After Dad came home and explained the whole thing, they both asked me to keep it secret from my younger siblings (I'm the oldest). I had to keep it secret for over a year I think, and when my siblings found out, my parents did nothing but argue, scream and fight about the silliest of things. I tried to stop it, but my presence often made things worse. My dad even blamed me outright for ruining the marriage multiple times. And the worst part is that in the end, I failed to save my parents’ marriage.

You might be wondering then: did they divorce? Well, here's your answer. One day, I showed my mom this random video on the dangers of toxic empathy through the lens of a show I liked. I did this just for fun, but the next time Mom and Dad had a blow-up, she took the lesson of this stupid video - of all things - to heart and decided to divorce him. It's going to be finished very soon. That's the answer.

I want it clear: my parents were BOTH to blame for what happened. Dad was obviously deplorable for cheating on Mom, but Mom is no innocent victim. She never had even the slightest charity for him afterwards, even waking him up in the middle of the night about alleged cheating - whether real or imagined. They never bothered to get along, not even for the sake of me and my siblings, only to selfishly "own" the other. It was, as Jason Evert once said, a "domestic dumpster fire."

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

It's a torrent of emotions that don't make any sense together. There's anger that my parents were too selfish to work it out. There's sadness that I'm gonna have to deal with all the difficulties that divorced kids are prone to. There's even a little relief that hey, when they divorce, at least the house will hopefully be more peaceful. Even though I'll probably be more miserable than ever.

HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED HIM

It's likely gonna stifle my ability to integrate into society, because I can't yet drive and am currently unemployed. It's definitely affected my relationships too, because I have something of a "dislike radar" that rings the alarm whenever I think someone doesn't like me or wants nothing to do with me. The divorce has not actually happened yet, but I imagine I'm gonna be even more depressed and inactive than I am already. I legit don't know.

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED?

I would say: it's NOT your fault. Don't blame yourself for the choices of people who probably didn't have your best interests at heart anyway. And speak out about it! Don't be afraid to tell people that yes, divorce is an evil and an abomination that affects so many. Don't be afraid of this wicked culture that tells us blowing up families brings happiness and healing; call it out! Be there for any others who are going through this: family, friends, even strangers if they tell you.

But for the love of God, don't be silent about it. Your voice matters; it's time we heard it.

WHAT DO YOU THINK NEEDS TO BE DONE TO HELP TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES?

We need to remind the youth that marriage is permanent; not merely an ideal that a select chosen few achieve, but the very reality and substance of the institution. “What God hath joined together, let no man put asunder.” This will help them understand both the gravity and beauty of what they are entering.

You have to live with this person, warts and all, for life, and nothing can separate you. Hence, be careful when discerning who to marry; you'll spend the rest of your life with them. If you aren't prepared for suffering, ESPECIALLY from the person you love most, you'll be miserable. But if you ARE prepared? Your crucifixion will be like one of Christ's wounds, and like those Holy Wounds. It is through them that you (and hopefully your spouse) will be healed.

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