His Parents Divorce Led Him to Alcoholism: Here's How He Broke Free | Scott Weeman: #161
What if your parents’ divorce, or the chaos you grew up in, didn’t just hurt you emotionally but actually wired you to seek relief through addiction?
This might explain why you feel unsafe for no reason, why you keep numbing out when life gets hard, or why you crave control but end up stuck in the same self-destructive cycles.
In this episode, we explore the deep connection between addiction and family dysfunction, especially how growing up in a chaotic or broken home can make substances, screens, or success feel like your only safe place.
My guest is Scott Weeman. He began drinking at 15. By 21, he was spiraling, binge drinking, hiding vodka bottles, waking up in jail, and living a double life.
Today, he’s an author and the founder of Catholic in Recovery, helping thousands find freedom from alcoholism, lust, and more.
If you’ve ever wondered, “Is this just who I am now?” or “Will I always feel stuck?” this episode is for you.
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
Joey Pontarelli (00:37)
Welcome to the restored podcast. I'm Joey Pannarello. If you come from a divorced or dysfunctional family, this show is for you. We mentor you through the pain and help you heal so you can avoid repeating your family's dysfunction and instead built strong, healthy relationships. What if your parents divorced or the chaos that you grew up with didn't just hurt you emotionally, but actually wired you to seek relief through addiction? Then I might explain why you feel unsafe for no reason, why you keep numbing out when life gets hard or why you crave control, but end up stuck in the same self-destructive.
In this episode we explore the deep connection between addiction and family dysfunction, especially how growing up in a chaotic or broken home can make substances, screens, or even success feel like your only safe place. My guest is Scott Wieman. He began drinking at 15 years old, if you can believe that. By 21, he began spiraling, binge drinking, hiding vodka bottles, waking up in jail, and living a double life. Today he's an author and founder of Catholic in Recovery, helping thousands find freedom from alcoholism, lust, and so much more.
If you've ever wondered, is this just who I am or will I always feel this stuck, this episode is for you. Now in this episode, we do talk about God and faith and if you don't believe in God, you're totally welcome here. Everyone knows that this is not a strictly religious podcast. Wherever you're at, I'm glad you're here. If you don't believe in God, just listen with an open mind. Even if you take out or skip the God part, you're still going to get a lot from this episode. With that, here's our conversation.
Scott, great to have you in the show, man. Welcome. If you would take me to that moment when you hit rock bottom.
Scott Weeman (02:03)
Thanks Joey, thanks for having me.
Yeah, you know, I recall sitting on a cliff, not like I was going to jump off the cliff, but there was a moment before I got sober in 2011, my girlfriend wanted no more to do with me. She broke up with me in August. My roommate wanted no more to do with me. He had changed the locks on the door and, you know, I was manipulating, deceiving, lying to most people in my life to try to manage consequences. And so I was essentially homeless for a couple of like
like a week or two and was staying at someone's house who I was working with but remember I got a six pack of beer and walked over to the cliffs, lived by Sunset Cliffs in Ocean Beach, San Diego and sitting there with this six pack and thinking to myself that this is gonna run out soon and the only thing that I'm gonna care about when this six pack runs out is that I want more and I don't have the resources to get more and
I don't have a home to live in and I have lost every single relationship that was important to me. And I don't think I'm going to ever find help. And I don't know how I'm going to enjoy life. I know that alcohol and drugs are my problem, but I also kind of, couldn't say this at the time, but they were also the only solution that I had. They were the only way to effectively kind of relieve my mind from the insanity and the chaos and the darkness of the life that was created. Pursuit of alcohol and drugs was ⁓ really at the heart of this.
This, you I mentioned my ex-girlfriend no longer wanted anything to do with me, which was fair. I mean, I was right for her. She was doing what she had to do for herself. And in many ways, that was the best thing that anyone ever did for me. I was, of course, committed to trying to win her back, telling her the right things, but not doing any of right things. And there was this moment, it was on October 8th, 2011, when we had a very codependent relationship. I hadn't graduated college yet, but she was completing a master's degree in social work.
And I was doing whatever I could to stay in her good graces. She asked if I would edit one of her papers. I was happy to oblige. And before I dove into that, I lit up a joint of marijuana and smoked it in my little studio apartment that I had borrowed money from my uncle to get into. And she swang by to say hello as she was going for a run while I was doing some editing. Hadn't even cracked open my laptop, but she had opened up the door, saw me, was almost.
eager to see me for a moment until she smelled the marijuana and then from there she just her face turned to this look of disgust and she looked me in the eyes and said Scott you are absolutely hopeless you're never gonna change and she was saying exactly what I was feeling and thinking at the time and you know by the grace of God the rebound happened two days later where I knew I needed help and then on October well October 9th I made my way to Mission Bay to push my
bike through the heavy sand to the beach cruiser bike, one of the few things I had left in my possession. Called a few close friends from back home, great friends from school, elementary, middle school and high school. And then called my mom and my dad and told them what they already knew, which was that I needed help and that I had a problem with drinking. the next day, October 10th, 2011, I walked into a 12-step recovery meeting, bunch of people who had a recovering from spiritual disease of alcoholism, and they had a solution to my problem.
Joey Pontarelli (05:24)
What a story man. have so many questions, but the first one that comes to mind is like, was driving all that? what gave us a little bit of the backstory that led you to that rock bottom point.
Scott Weeman (05:34)
had
a good childhood, other than the fact that my parents divorced when I was about 10 years old. And, you know, the constant back and forth every week between mom's dad and mom's house and dad's house, which had very different rules and expectations at each and step siblings at each as well. My parents got remarried about two years afterwards. But beyond that, my parents loved me. They did the best they could.
Certainly growing up in northeast Wisconsin, if you do a Google search of the 10 drunkest counties in the United States, you'll see exactly what part of the country I grew up in. Outer Gamy County, Door County, Brown County, etc. Alcohol was just a way that people locally, my family particularly, celebrated or dealt with challenging situations. I really refrained from drinking until I was a junior in high school towards the end of my junior year, 17, was like May of 2002.
Joey Pontarelli (06:05)
Interesting.
Okay, wow.
Scott Weeman (06:25)
and a friend was back home from college. He went to the University of Wisconsin-Madison and two years older than me and invited me to go to a party with him and I was eager to be ingratiated by these older kids who I thought were cool and we walked to the party and had stuffed our cargo shorts with lukewarm beers and I recall walking on the railroad tracks, lived in kind of a rural community in Wisconsin, 30 minutes south of Green Bay and pulling out a
lukewarm bud light, said, Scott, don't think so much about what this is gonna taste like, because it's not gonna taste great at first, but just think about how good it's gonna make you feel. And I enjoyed the way that made me feel. I didn't become an alcoholic after that first sip. I think there were some, certainly some circumstances and situations that were, made it much more likely that I would be an alcoholic, some of that being familial, some of that being just kind of cultural. And ⁓ yeah, I started drinking towards the end.
It's kind of between my junior and senior year. It escalated a little bit into my senior year of high school. I do recall actually bringing a couple of times where I would, or a friend would bring like a Sprite bottle that was half drank and then filled with vodka in it. And maybe that would happen once or twice during my senior year in high school. But I was in sports, played baseball, was in policy debate, very active, very successful in policy debate. Got a full tuition scholarship to a school in New York City, downtown Manhattan, Pace University.
And that was a big change from small town Wisconsin to downtown Manhattan. And immediately even on the orientation visit that took that summer before school started and it connected with people and found those social connections through drinking and drugs. And I don't know that we, maybe someone had some pot or something like that with them that time too. But once I got into school, it was on. I mean, a lot of my friends were very, a bit different from me and just had different kind of growing up experiences.
My roommate was a transfer from Seton Hall University and he immediately began to get into his fake ID selling business and essentially sold fake IDs to most college students living in Manhattan. so getting access to alcohol was not a problem. others who were opportunity to buy and sell drugs was made available and engaged in that. Drinking every day, smoking weed every day became, quickly happened.
was still active in debate school was much less of a priority but you know i began really drinking or getting high every single day multiple times a day and it was really during that freshman year of college that you know i also felt this kind of escape i like i was away from my family i was away from the trying to navigate manage family relationships particularly around my parents you know different lifestyles in different households and things of that nature and i you know i thought that i had this newfound freedom
Unfortunately, I was just becoming a slave to the pursuit of feeling good. I think, you know, whatever made me feel good, alcohol, a variety of different drugs, the online poker boom was happening at the time. I was doing that quite a bit. And, you know, so certainly lustful pursuits as well. And, you know, I was really just losing myself, losing this sense of who I was. Three semesters later, I lost my debate scholarship, moved back home to Wisconsin, really kind of tail between my legs. I had put a lot of
really emphasis, really my identity and how people felt about me and, you know, carried with pride this, you being voted most likely to succeed or most likely to become president and I was failing and I had a hard time didn't know how to how to deal with that. I got two DUIs early on as well. I think when I was 19 and 20 after that second DUI went to treatment for 15 days at a treatment center in ⁓ Northwest Wisconsin.
And that was largely kind of to get my parents off my back. wasn't convinced that I was an alcoholic. I didn't even know that term. Talking to me about alcoholism was like talking to a fish about water. And it was just all around me. I didn't know anybody who was sober, certainly. yeah, just thought I was also too young to be an addict or an alcoholic. I was comparing myself to other people who were my age, who were drinking like I was. Of course, they were able to go to school on Mondays or to work. And I just chased it on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and just...
couldn't deal with the reality today. Every day I told myself, tomorrow's gonna be a different day. Tomorrow's gonna be the day I do something new. Of course, tomorrow never came. yeah, ⁓ so things got progressively worse. After treatment, I stayed sober for about eight months. Really just white-knuckling it though, not really any kind of spiritual alternative or program. I saw a therapist a couple of times. I went to a couple of AA meetings, but thought that it was dark and depressing and just it wasn't for me.
And yeah, so then fell in love with a girl who was from a great Catholic family as well. And she had, she was one of five kids, family, her parents were just a model of what a Catholic family looks like. And this attracted me, of course, coming from a family full of uncertainty and divorce and all the challenges that that involved. I, of course, wasn't willing to do anything that she was doing to get what she had, but I thought that if I just stuck close enough to her and her family, that maybe some spiritual osmosis would take place and I'd
I'd catch what they had and yeah, I'd say that the prayers of her family and her mom were very instrumental and perhaps later one day, you know, me getting sober and returning to our faith. Unfortunately, she and the family didn't get to bear any of that fruit is that, you know, most of the belligerent, dishonest, manipulative behavior ⁓ she was a victim of. And yeah, so when I got sober, I really wanted to win her back. That didn't happen. Spoiler alert.
but it at least drew me into the church and had me doing things that I maybe otherwise wouldn't have done if I didn't have these very human motivations. So that's kind of skipping around a little bit, but yeah, there's nine years from starting to drink at 17 years old to when I got sober at 26 years old. Really lost a lot of my self-esteem, my sense of self, full of shame, fear, resentment. I was a victim. If I had published a book while I was active in my alcoholism, it probably would have.
entitled something like, if you had my life, you'd be an alcoholic too. I was just full of resentment and also just as addicted to playing the victim as I was to any kind of substance or behavior.
Joey Pontarelli (12:34)
What was attractive about playing the victim? why was that something that you gravitated towards? Especially having the success you had. Because you have to fight for those things too. So you had like the hero or the protagonist in you as well. But why did you gravitate towards the victim?
Scott Weeman (12:47)
Yeah, well I found that, I mean, for a long time, and I think this may be the oldest child of D'Vore's parents, I felt that my achievement, like achievement was my way into relationships. And so if I could show you that I was achieving things and ⁓ worthy, I needed to kind of prove my worth. That inherent worth and dignity, I think, was somewhat lost. I think there certainly, I was learning from my parents as well about that maybe...
playing the victim would create some kind of pity from others. Now, I think really at the heart of it was being the victim was my way to rationalize my need for alcohol and drugs. And so I used that as kind of like this self justification that allowed me to kind of maintain or perpetuate my own selfish and unhealthy behavior.
Joey Pontarelli (13:37)
appreciate your honesty there. I know everyone's wondering it. We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to, but did you ever get to make amends or reconcile at all with that past girlfriend or family?
Scott Weeman (13:46)
I did. Yes, the 12 Steps provides a really wonderful pathway toward healing and, you know, internal healing first and coming to form a relationship with God as we refer to Him in 12-step, secular 12-step recovery groups, or higher powers, God as we understood Him. Of course, I came to know that God as being God, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and got to know Him through Scripture and sacraments and my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who were helping really carry me during these moments of
renewal. But yes, about a year after I got sober, perhaps just a touch over a year after I got sober, did, was finally at the ninth step where we make amends. In step eight, we made a list of all persons we had harmed and become willing to make amends to them all. And in step nine, made direct amends to such people where, except when to do so would injure them or others. So I had really even, you questioned and with the help of an awesome sponsor who had about 25 years of sobriety and recovery himself.
walked, know, really looked at all of the amends that needed to be made. It kind of made some of the easier amends first and some of the more challenging amends after getting some experience. She was certainly on the challenging amend side. And there's a lot of preparation that went into this as well, recognizing that I was going to need to get honest and asking, you how honest do I be? How much detail should I provide? What was advised to me was that I, you know, share in a general way, but be very open and willing to answer specifics if she asks.
And we even went through the process of preparation. At first, writing a do not send letter, I did this for most of my amends. Like, what do I want to say to this person? Write it in a letter form first, even if I'm making amends face to face with them. And that way I could share that letter with my sponsor, and then he would take out a red pen or a red marker and cross out all the places where I was trying to either justify my bad behavior or blame others or not take responsibility.
and rationalize and all that kind of stuff and that was a really healthy process as well. We even role played what that would look like, know, getting face to face, he playing her and me just kind of practicing. And so we were very thorough about this. And then when the day came where I made amends to her, I wasn't fully honest. And she had asked me a follow up question asking if I had ever cheated on her. And the answer was clearly yes. And the answer that I spoke was no.
And ⁓ she kind of knew that was insincere. I, of course, knew it was insincere. She left that day feeling probably worse than when she had come. I called my sponsor shortly after that as well, told her, I know we had practiced this all, and I just couldn't bring myself to be honest with her and really motivated to win her back. just, yeah. So I had to then call her, scheduled some time to see her the next morning to make amends for the amends that I had made. This was not, this was like the worst.
I did not come through well in this situation. She just made it clear, like, Scott, there's this voice that you have that where you start to rationalize, and I can't stand that voice. I am totally done hearing that voice. And I came clean and told her that I had lied to her the day before and that I'm committed to being honest. And I was devastated, totally devastated when I left there, but I had at least gotten honest.
called my sponsor to tell him that I had completed that and how it went and it didn't go so well. And I was kind of questioning the whole process of recovery. And he just very clearly said, Scott, I hear that you're hurting. And I want to just ask you a few questions. Do you believe in God? Yeah. Do you believe in a God that is all knowing, all loving, and all powerful? Yeah. So what are you worried about? God's going to take care of this and things will work out. Now, I had a really hard time seeing
or even envisioning a happy life without this person who had really become my idol. You know, as a result of pursuing alcohol, drugs, lust, other compulsive behaviors, I had lost a relationship with God and it really empowered her to be my God, my idol. And that's an impossible burden to put on anyone. And just, yeah, it was not long, it wasn't long lasting, so.
but i still had a deep relationship with jesus through the church and i met some great people in the church and really wonderful people in recovery and i'm you even over was able to overcome that's really kind of low moment in my recovery even though i was sober i still felt like i wasn't really living up to what i was called to be.
Joey Pontarelli (18:13)
So good. I appreciate that vulnerability. think sometimes when people hear of the 12 sub programs or being in recovery, there's a lot of misconceptions. I think one of them is probably that once you kind of make that decision, then everything gets better in your life. And it's refreshing to hear that like, no, you still have like crappy days or, you still have struggles. You have conversations that don't go like you want, like this one. And so I think, I think that's refreshing to hear.
I think another barrier I've heard from people I've walked with who've, you know, struggling with addiction saying things like this step of the process of like kind of making amends is probably the biggest barrier for them personally. And so you mentioned that, well, maybe talk about that a little bit. And I'm curious, like that last phrase you mentioned about how the situation where it would maybe cause injury. Yeah. yeah, cause except when doing so would injure them or others.
Scott Weeman (19:03)
So would injure them or others.
Joey Pontarelli (19:06)
I think this is a huge barrier for a lot of people. Let's talk about this a little bit and then that scenario when you make that decision. If you're from a divorced or broken family, the holidays can be so stressful and challenging. You know that. Pressure to choose between parents, being reminded of your family's brokenness, especially if you've been living out of the house or at school, and just feeling a bit lost and alone and navigating it all. Thankfully, you're not alone. Our free guide, Five Tips to Navigate the Holidays in a Broken Family, offers really practical advice that you won't hear anywhere else.
a worksheet to plan out your time with your parents, super helpful, and even a copy paste template you can edit for communicating with your parents through messages or even a call. Most of all, the guide helps you feel less alone and more in control when the holidays hit. You can get the free guide at restoredministry.com slash holidays, or just click the link in the show notes.
Scott Weeman (19:53)
All of this is not done in isolation. mean, I one of greatest gifts of 12-step recovery is having a sponsor who can walk us through the 12 steps and place our hands in the hands of God. I had some awesome sponsors and have awesome sponsors. And they've been very different and have provided what I needed in very different times. So he helped me to really discern what, you know, how to go about doing all this. And trying to do so, trying to do all this by yourself is a fool's errand. It would be
Because like I mentioned, we try to make amends and either don't do it at the right time or don't do it with the thorough honesty that's required. It can do more harm than good. so, first what we did was we made a list of all the persons that I had harmed and this was somewhat easier to do. just took a few weeks prior completed steps four and five. In step four, we make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and that's really an inventory of the resentments that we're holding.
the fears that we have been guided by and sexual conduct. And the most important part of all that is not just the list of people toward whom we're resentful. Then in the fourth column, we recognize what's my part in either starting or maintaining this resentment. What have I done? And that's really the most important part to look at. So that can create almost the template for that amends list when we get into steps eight and nine. yeah, there were some amends that just weren't appropriate to make.
old girlfriends and things, whereas to ⁓ initiate like a conversation might also do more harm than good. There might be some self-motivation in that. And it's not just to like relieve the monkey off of my back, but the intention is to restore and reconcile relationships. I think of it like the sacrament of confession, where we do a thorough preparation and then make the act of confessing, which in recovery is kind of like step five.
Asking God to remove whatever defects of character stand in the way of serving Him and others, Step 6 and 7. And then doing a penance, as we would call in the church. In recovery, we would refer to that as an amends. But really taking ownership and responsibility for the actions that we've engaged in that have hurt relationships or hurt other people. And also being honest with ourselves that if, you know, is it really, is this for me or is this for the other person if I'm going to pursue to make amends with them?
And yeah, think some people don't get to that point because there is a lot of honesty that's necessary. It can be challenging, but it's also necessary so that I can look other people in the eye and look myself in the eye and just know that I have done what I needed to do to take responsibility and accountability for the things that I've done wrong.
Joey Pontarelli (22:31)
Beautiful. Okay. No, sounds so it sounds like a deeply personal and kind of case by case discernment. And that's why going through a program having a sponsor is so helpful to have
Scott Weeman (22:41)
Also really important not to use that like as rationalization to not make the amends, know, just So so important to be consulting with another person throughout all this the man who saved my life told me that working through the 12 Steps is kind of like kung fu It's like teaching you're doing this on your own would be like teaching yourself kung fu you might get some of like the the moves and such but you're not gonna get the essence of it and You know really need someone to be guiding you through it. I found that to be incredibly beneficial and food
Joey Pontarelli (23:11)
Beautiful. You mentioned the man who saved your life. Who is that?
Scott Weeman (23:15)
His name is Michael Todd and ⁓ he was at the meeting so I mentioned, know, October 8th I had this encounter with my ex-girlfriend. October 9th I made the calls to tell people that I had a problem. Of course, drank myself to bed those two nights. That's just what I did. The next morning, October 10th, I came to this early morning, 7 a.m. AA meeting held at an Episcopal church about two blocks from the beach in Pacific Beach, San Diego. And I recall I got there maybe two minutes before the meeting started.
I was usually sleeping through hangovers at this time, working evening dinner shifts and such at a restaurant. I heard, you know, the meeting was taking place in the second floor of an Episcopal church and kind of an open stairwell to get up to those stairs. And I could hear laughter and camaraderie above in the meeting. And I thought, I've got to be in the wrong place. If these people have any idea what I'm going through, there's no reason for anybody to be laughing. But I hesitantly made my way up there and kind of sat in the back corner where I wouldn't be seen or heard from.
shared during the course of that meeting. Afterwards, we got around in a circle, put our arms around each other's shoulders, and prayed the Lord's Prayer. One of the few prayers that I had remembered from my childhood, growing up nominally Catholic, I didn't have, you know, kind of felt like that prayer is, this feeling of feeling like I was at home, like I had found my people. I didn't have a ton of time to sit with that and process that as immediately afterwards, a man darted across the room, looked me in the eye, and said, I know exactly how you feel. You don't ever have to drink again.
And he invited me to go get coffee with him, not, what's your schedule look like later this week or ⁓ next weekend look like. like right now, let's go get coffee. The stranger who I just met said, let's go, let's go get coffee and talk about this. And so we did. And we sat at the coffee shop for about two hours and share with him what was going on in my life. And he said, all right, well, let's do this again tomorrow. Meet me back at the meeting at seven o'clock. We'll go at seven AM. We'll go.
to the meeting and then we'll get coffee afterwards. And if you've got a big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, bring that with you. and if you've got a Bible, bring that with you as well. And if you ⁓ feel the urge to drink between now and then, give me a call and I'll be happy to help. And so we did that. We made that a routine every morning, 7 a.m. AA meeting and then sat at the coffee shop for a couple hours. He kind of learned quickly that he had me held hostage because I had burned most bridges in my life. ⁓ we would read through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and it's also
referred to different scripture verses in the Bible. One day he held up both, the big book in one hand, the Bible in the other. He said, this book, the Bible, is for people who don't want to go to hell, and this book, the big book, is for people who have been there and have no interest in ever going back. And that really, for me, opened the gateway to this life of faith and kind of got me into the church. Of course, some of that motivation was to win back my ex-girlfriend, but, you know, I
was very blessed also that there was a local young adult community that was very active meeting on Wednesday nights. We had dipped our toes there in there, the Lent prior, while I was still with my ex-girlfriend. So I had met a couple of people. Actually, I called the guy who was leading this, guy named Brock, who's today one of my best friends, because I had gotten his number. And I said, hey, Brock, I don't know if you remember me, but my name's Scott. was at the Bible study during Lent. So you're still leading that Bible study on Wednesday nights? This was like Wednesday morning.
day three of sobriety for me. And he said, yeah, come on by. You know, we're here every Wednesday. So he made my way there. I felt like a total imposter and phony, full of shame and assuming that all these people here have it all figured out. They're walking saints that have not made any mistakes. And I was soon wrong about that. I was a little nervous about some social awkwardness, which in any kind of Catholic young adult group, you're going to have a little bit of that.
Yeah, so I've made my way to the church through this really active and great young adult community, then became an usher, volunteered to become an usher at Sunday Mass, 9 a.m. Mass every Sunday. was partly I was learning from recovery the value and importance of service and commitment, and I thought this would help me just to be accountable to getting to Mass every weekend, which was not a routine of mine ever in life. And so, ⁓ yeah, I tried to apply what I was learning in 12-step recovery groups to my life in the church, and that was quite fruitful.
Joey Pontarelli (27:29)
Beautiful. again, thanks for sharing so fondly. I think for anyone listening right now who maybe is in that spot where they know they need help, but there's a lot of fears, there's a lot holding them back from, for example, reaching out to someone like you or your organization, getting in a meeting, a program. What are some of maybe those most common fears and therefore the mistakes that they make that keep them stuck longer?
Scott Weeman (27:54)
Yeah, would, I mean, boil that down in general to, I think it's a fear of suffering. Father Jacques Philippe in his book, Interior Freedom, does a really great job of contrasting the difference between actual suffering and the fear of suffering, whereas he notes the actual suffering can be redemptive. It has, you know, it can humble us, it can make us more reliant upon God and the people who are close to us, and however fear of suffering, there are no redemptive qualities. It just...
puts us into a place where our options are often forgotten, we make very irrational decisions, and really close ourself up to God. And so I think a lot of that is just for, and this is my experience as well, fear of suffering. I had learned early on that certain, that behaviors and substances could keep me from suffering. I mean, they were also the source of my suffering, but for a little while they were also the solution to my fear of suffering. So drinking or getting high.
or using pornography and masturbation or gambling or even eating behaviors can be a way to kind of numb my feelings so that I don't feel those feelings. And I was running from feelings for ⁓ several years. And alcohol and drugs were very effective at that. Whereas I would wake up with all sorts of feelings and then kind of begin just the day. I mean, a typical day for me would look like I wake up in the morning. This was before I...
lost my day job, but I would wake up in the morning and tell myself, today's gonna be a new day. You know, I'm gonna do something different today and, you know, get up, get dressed, feel like crap, drive to work. Then by about 10 or noon, I would be caffeinated and hydrated enough where I would then in some way tell myself, ⁓ maybe that was a little bit of an overreaction this morning. And I just, you then I was just obsessed, the mental obsession.
I couldn't wait to get that ⁓ feeling, get that drink, that first drink of the day, because that would be my escape from all of the fears that were in my head, the anxiety, the depression, the negative thoughts that I had about myself and the world. That was really the only solution that I had to relieve myself from the insanity that was going on in here. And so then I would, on my way home, stop at a liquor store, buy a bottle of Gatorade and a bottle of vodka.
Chug about half the Gatorade sitting in my car in the parking lot. Poured a bunch of the vodka into the Gatorade bottle so that I would have a drink for my drive home. Because I couldn't wait the eight minutes that it took me to get home before having that first drink. That's how powerful it was and how attached I was to it. And it was my source of relief. Of course, it was a very bad source of relief. I needed to find more different sources. So I would just say that the person who is suffering today...
If you're honest with yourself, if you allow yourself to be honest with yourself, which I struggled with, it was really hard for me to be honest with myself. My problems were everybody else's problems. My solution was found in alcohol and drugs and other compulsive behaviors and substances. But I also couldn't see how, I couldn't envision a different life. I was so afraid of the suffering that would come, the suffering that was taking place in my mind that I was trying to escape from it every single day.
And I just want to inform the person that is struggling today and is running from those obsessive thoughts, ⁓ maybe even those core negative beliefs that we that we think about ourselves and about the world and our relationship with God and others. You know, sometimes the worst thing that can happen to us can end up being the best thing that could happen to us. ⁓ And we usually it's you know, we were usually entering recovery on a losing streak. I've yet to find really one person who has gotten started their recovery.
on a winning streak, but they just thought, well, you know, I think today's gonna be the right day to get sober. Usually it's by ⁓ experiencing the natural consequences of our actions. And you know, a lot of times in families and in other relationships, it can be hard for the ⁓ person who is the quote unquote identified patient in the family to experience the natural consequences of their behaviors because others, parents, spouse, kids,
siblings are kind of going in and ⁓ softening that ⁓ blow. you ⁓ know, so therefore it's oftentimes family members who are most eager for this person to get sober because they have experienced a lot of the consequences and have in fact kind of shielded others, ⁓ shielded the person who is struggling from realizing the natural consequences of their behavior. So
I think it's a very nuanced and challenging thing, but oftentimes family members, if a listener has a parent or a spouse or a sibling or a child who is struggling with addiction, that's oftentimes the pathway toward help is let's, you you've experienced these consequences, but it's not your battle to fight. You need to learn how to take care of yourself so that the person who you love can be empowered to make positive changes in their lives with the help of God and others.
maybe family members, sometimes there's a humility required to maybe recognize that the person who's gonna help this loved one of mine is gonna be some stranger, some anonymous stranger, like Michael was to me and others have been to me as well.
Joey Pontarelli (33:02)
So good. No, it's such a powerful lesson that it's a hard thing to just face yourself. That's what I hear you saying. Then the first part, it's like that alone takes an act of courage. It's a difficult thing to do. You know, I remember when I was stuck just in lust and similar to, you know, pornography, masturbation, acting out in that way. It was, yeah, like you, lie to other people, you deceive other people, but you lie to yourself and you deceive yourself just like you said so well. And so.
you know, maybe that's like a great challenge. Like just be honest to yourself, like tell the truth, even if it's ugly, even if it's something that's really difficult to do. I think that's a powerful lesson and a difficult.
Scott Weeman (33:38)
Yeah, there's a saying in 12-Step Recovery that we're as sick as our secrets. And so the raw honesty that we engage in in a 12-Step Recovery meeting is very inspiring to hear of really what's going on in other people's lives and for them just to be honest about this and really an outlet to find once we share it, the burden of it is lightened.
I was bottling everything in, you know, from all of the ways that I felt about my parents' divorce to the challenges that I was having in life and, of course, trying to present myself as though I've got it all together. But yeah, I was lying to myself just more than I was lying to anyone else. In fact, you know, when I had pushed my bike through the heavy sand in Mission Bay and called my best friends and my parents about what was really going on, that wasn't even so much for them to hear it.
But it was for me to say it. Like that was, you know, there was so much power in that. And even in recovery meetings, you know, as we're sharing stuff, it's kind of like, you know, we're sharing it for others to hear, but it's also just really important for me to hear. It's important for me to hear, my name is Scott and I'm an alcoholic. I have a friend, dear friend, who I met in the young adult community in San Diego a couple of years after I'd gotten sober. So he didn't see any of the wreckage, but he just knew me in recovery. And I remember a phone call we had at one time and he asked me, said, Scott, I know people who are alcoholics.
I don't think you're one of them. Are you sure? Are you sure you're an alcoholic? And so we'll dust and you probably know, you know, those people are probably active in their alcoholism. You've never seen me take a drink, but I'm very capable of it. And, and I really just kind of said, you know, the, the only person that I need to convince that I'm an alcoholic is myself. As long as I am convinced that I'm an alcoholic, then we're going to be okay. I don't need to convince anyone else. spent a lot of time convincing other people and myself that I wasn't one. And that didn't do me a whole lot of good. And ⁓ yeah, so.
I think it's just important that we are honest with ourselves, with God, with other people. it takes, you know, we got to learn how to do that. I had to relearn how to be honest, of course, as evidenced by the failed attempt at making amends with my ex-girlfriend.
Joey Pontarelli (35:39)
Wow, so good. I wanna go to the situation described where someone's trying to help someone else who's going through this and they could see so clearly that they're struggling. But I think you hit on an important point. How does someone know they're an alcoholic or an addict of some sort, whether it's with sex, gambling, other substances? How do you, and I hear the whole subjective part of it, that totally makes sense, but I'm curious if there's any signs or symptoms that someone could use to maybe say, huh.
I thought I just enjoyed drinking a lot or I thought that this was normal behavior, but now I'm thinking maybe it's not.
Scott Weeman (36:11)
something
that everybody needs to come to on their own and there are a variety of ways. I'll give you a clinical definition here in a moment. I'll also note that we have assessments on our website, CatholicinRecovery.com, where if you're struggling with alcohol, drugs, lust, food, or a family member impacted by a loved one's addiction, we have some kind of questions and assessments that will help to...
I'm going to say diagnosed, but that's not really a diagnosis. It's just to assess, do I have a problem? Do I need to take a deeper look at this? For the most part, if someone is taking an assessment asking if they need help, they probably need help, or if alcohol is a problem. Normal drinkers or users of substances and behaviors aren't taking assessments about whether they have a problem. I have taken plenty in my life. clinically, would say that oftentimes the traits of addiction.
And I don't care really if you'd use the term addiction. Some people don't like that term. And I should also note, I was meaning to note this too. You know, I say my name is, if I'm in a meeting, I'll say, my name's Scott, I'm an alcoholic. Or, my name's Scott, I'm an addict and an alcoholic. Should be very clear, I do not define myself by my alcoholism or my addiction, but rather I define myself as a beloved son of God. I find my identity in that. And that is at the foundation of everything in my life, is being a beloved son of God.
And also, when I say my name is Scott, I'm an addict and an alcoholic, that can be a means that first it's important for me to hear it because I need to hear it on a regular basis and not forget. I've got this built-in forgetter that can recall the euphoric memories but can oftentimes forget the painful things that have happened. you know, Michael who saved my life would say, you know, that it's a blessing. It's why women have more than one children or more than one child, that built-in forgetter.
Also something that we need to be very mindful of, of just being honest. And it's helpful to be around people who are new to recovery to remember what it was like when I got here, not wanting to ever go back. So if there are consequences of our behaviors, and those might come in a variety of ways, they might be emotional consequences, this feeling of shame and guilt and lost esteem, anxiety, depression, jitters, certainly spiritual consequences, trying to fill the...
God-shaped hole in our hearts with all things that are not of God. know, familial consequences, relationship consequences, lost job or education consequences and such. You know, those things, if we're honest with ourselves, if we have a problem, we can usually point back to our alcoholism, drug addiction, food-related addictions, whether it's compulsive overeating or restricted eating, pornography, lust and sexual addiction, whatever it might be. And then also that it takes this, you know, this other component to it is this
idea around tolerance that it requires the more of the same substance to achieve the same desired results or in a behavioral addiction it would be kind of more extreme forms of that behavior in order to achieve the same result we build a tolerance to it and need more in order to in order to meet that i would say also if you're thinking about it now i really like alcoholics anonymous or other groups will really respect one's free will if you walk into an a meeting
They're not going to tell you, sit down, you're an alcoholic, you need to listen to this. And they're not going to try to convince you that you're an alcoholic. In fact, a lot of wisdom, there's a lot of wisdom in this idea that, if you don't think you're an alcoholic, why don't you go out and try some controlled drinking for 30 days? And if you can control yourself and keep to the number of drinks that you're going to tell yourself to and don't drink when you're going to tell yourself not to, then you may not be an alcoholic. But if that's a challenge and you can't...
keep to your limits or control your drinking, then come on back, we'll be here and we're here for you. It's noted in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that the obsession of every problem drinker is that he or she can both control their drinking or limit their drinking and enjoy their drinking. And for me, those two things were mutually exclusive. If I was controlling my drinking, I wasn't enjoying it. And if I was enjoying my drinking, I was not controlling it.
Yeah, so we gotta come to that conclusion ourselves. If people in your lives are telling you that you might have a problem, they're probably not just saying that for any reason, but ⁓ people who we trust, who are a part of our lives, might be the ones to recognize that maybe there's a problem, maybe this needs to be taken a look at. If you have a problem, you're probably gonna react negatively to that and deny it. Of course, denial is a really ⁓ big aspect. Denial, shame, isolation, fear, resentment, those...
components are typically found in anyone struggling with any kind of either substance or behavior related addiction.
Joey Pontarelli (40:46)
This episode is sponsored by Blackstone Films. They just released a new documentary called Kenny. It's about an ordinary Denver priest who lived like a true father and transformed families and inspired vocations. He would actually wake up at 430 every day to do an hour of adoration. His parishioners would ask him to pray for them and they actually got those prayers answered. Some even call them miracles. He had to shepherd his people through the Columbine shooting, if you guys remember that.
horrible, horrible event. He ate with the families in his parish every night of the week. He hiked with groups of young adults in the Rocky Mountains on Colorado, and he sat with couples on the brink of divorce, even saving a marriage, which they talk about in the documentary. And so if you want a hopeful model of leadership and fatherhood, something worth watching with maybe your spouse or your small group, watch Kenny. The trailer and the full film are now streaming on formed.org. You could just tap the link in the show notes to watch the full documentary.
or just the trailer. Again, thanks to Black Zone Films for sponsoring this episode and for telling such an inspiring story that I myself watched and really appreciate it. I think that just this whole lesson that it's hurting you and you might not even see it is just profound and important. And I heard the quote once that hurt people hurt themselves most. And I think there's like so much truth to that. So it's kind of, you know, we need to see ourselves in this light of like, no, like you're sick, I'm sick, I need help. There's a problem.
it's hurting me to come to that point. And that's a humbling spot to be, but it makes so much sense that that would be the path to freedom. it's so, I mean, yeah, I'm sure it's so scary to even admit that itself and then let alone reach out for help and then go to like a meeting where you're showing your face and people might recognize you. And it's like all these fears that come to the surface when you're trying to change the way you live. And I think one of the things I was going to mention too is I've heard it said that
So many people just repeat the same 30 days or six months of their lives for their entire lifetime. And so, you one of the invitations I would say to anyone listening, watching would be, do you want to try something new? And why might you want to try something new? You could always go back. It's always going to be waiting for you there, but why might you want to try something new?
Scott Weeman (42:57)
I would just add a few things here. think that the magic of what happens in recovery fellowships is, know, we have those which you just outlined, that fear and like, how am I ever going to come to actually talking about this thing that's been killing me that I've been hiding from for so long. And the magic that I found in recovery is that, you know, we bring that thing, that stuff, and we expect it to be received as, you know, judgmental or, you know, shame and
But instead of being met with judgment and shame, we're met with love and mercy and people say, keep coming back. Like that, that for me was incredibly moving and motivating and was very different from the way that I was otherwise being, it was expecting to be received. The man, Michael, would often say to me, similar vein to what you were just expressing, he said, I'm not okay and you're not okay and that's okay. And he said, actually don't, ⁓ if I ask you how you're doing, Scott, please do not tell me that you're doing fine.
Please don't use that word when I'm asking you. I've got too many people who one day have told me that they're fine and the next day I found out that they had killed themselves. so we just bring it to me like it's as it is. He said, out there in the world, we lead with our strengths and here we lead with our weaknesses. And in weakness there is unity and in unity there is victory. And so I mean it was all counter cultural to what I was, counter to what I was just conditioned to do. In fact, early recovery, I just kind of also said,
You know, I'm just going to listen and do what these people tell me to do. That way, if it doesn't work out, I'll just blame them for it not working out. Now, in my case, it did work out and I had nothing to blame anyone for, but that was also a little bit of a manifestation of that victim mentality that I had. just following those directions of the people who are there. And said, also, never underestimate your ability to help the addict or alcoholic who still suffers. I found a lot of purpose and joy in that.
Joey Pontarelli (44:50)
You did. Why do you care so much about this? You've dedicated your life. You've put so much work into helping people who were where you were. Why do you care so much?
Scott Weeman (45:00)
People have saved my life and I am just trying to give back a fraction of what I've received. And it also helps me stay sober and close to God. I mean, I think that every best, the best gifts that we have in life can only be kept if we're willing to give them away. And so I've gotten, I mean, I know firsthand what it's like to suffer with an addiction and the ⁓ toll that it takes on individual lives and on families and on communities and
even on our church. And so I have, yeah, just set out to help those people who have suffered and are suffering. I'm not the one to speak about prevention. That's like, I'm the last person to be speaking about addiction prevention. But to those who have fallen in the well, I am eager to reach my hand down and help pull them up as people have pulled me out of that dark well that I lived in for a long time.
And it's incredible. mean, the ability to see the light come on in other people's eyes and to see them start to get honest with themselves and others, to see families return to form, that is an experience that I want more and more of every single day. And yeah, I get to witness God through the individuals and families who find freedom, who were in a place of desperation. So yeah, that I think is just a call that I've had and this was not in my plan. I mean, I
I was supposed to be successful in college and be successful in debate and then parlay that into some career in politics or ⁓ law or maybe be a sports agent or something like that. ⁓ yeah, I believe that God has given me the experience and the dark past and not to shut the door on it, but to allow that to be an asset, probably the greatest asset I have to stay committed and connected to God and to my brothers and sisters.
a great asset to share with other people who are still suffering.
Joey Pontarelli (46:55)
I love it. One of the things you mentioned, ⁓ unwanted sexual behavior and how that that's something you guys help people with treat. One of the crazy stats, which I'm sure you've heard is from Dr. Patrick Carnes for everyone listening, who's an expert on sexual compulsion addiction. He found that 87 % of people who struggle with the sexual addiction come from a broken family, what he calls a disengaged family, which is absolutely mind blowing to me. Have you seen similar data or anecdotally that
a lot of the people who end up struggling with addiction come from really dysfunctional or divorced families? ⁓
Scott Weeman (47:28)
Yes.
I question though, I mean, at the same time though, I know people who are, you know, suffer from addiction who come from great families. Right. And none of us are immune from the potential effects and dangers of addictions. And I think that if we're honest, a lot of us experience all sorts of dysfunction within our families, some of it, of course, much greater than others. Right. I think that for those, you know, impacted by divorce.
The ⁓ separation of family is a great tragedy. I liken families to starting quarterbacks. This may not land for every listener, but they say if you've got two starting quarterbacks, do you even really have one? And I say if you've got two families, do you even really have one? Because I think that the family unit is like, my mom, whose parents did not get divorced, she has an intact family unit. My dad.
came from a family of dysfunction where his dad left him early on in life and a lot of tragedy has come from that. His sister died of a drug overdose and challenges with food and identity and in a lot of ways some of the same patterns have repeated themselves in my dad's life. So yeah, think that certainly the traumas that we experience as children and the challenges, if we don't have something or someone that we have a secure attachment to,
and can find connection and ⁓ a place of safety with, then it's going to be much more likely that we're going to turn to behaviors and substances to make us feel good. Because those primary caretakers who provide a secure relationship do provide also the outlet and model how we can self-soothe without having to rely upon external behaviors or substances to help us feel better. And that learning how to self-soothe in very healthy ways, either through
exercise or prayer or surrender or honest conversations and such. mean, think that just that puts someone in a much greater position to be able to not fall prey to compulsive behaviors and substances that can be tempting as outlets of reprieve. mean, for me, alcohol and drugs did for me what I could not do for myself. And of course, they also came with, you they
promised a lot and didn't come through on all those promises. And in fact, it turned out wanted to take everything from me. And so I needed to find a new solution that wasn't going to turn on me as alcohol and drugs and lust and other behaviors did.
Joey Pontarelli (49:57)
Okay, real talk, if you've been trying to get in shape so you feel better physically and emotionally but nothing is working, you're not crazy. I've been there myself. I recently read a free guide by Dakota Lane, a certified personal trainer who we've partnered with that's helped about a thousand people and it was really helpful for me personally. In the guide, he breaks down the biggest fitness mistakes that we all make like under eating, over stressing, or focusing too much on the scale and he gives really simple, practical tips that you could actually use that you can implement today.
And so if you're tired of feeling like you're never gonna get in shape, just click on the link in the show notes and grab the guide today. It's totally free and it might just be the thing you need to start feeling healthier physically and emotionally. No, that's good advice. And yeah, I think sometimes it's hard to see when you're maybe stuck in a compulsion, but there's so much in life that can give you like a natural high that can make you happy. In fact, there was a bunch of research they did at Harvard that basically said your happiness is more or less.
Determined by the strength of your social connections which is kind of a nerdy way to say like how good your relationships are and I the guy who did the research and wrote the book the happiness advantage Sean Acre I think is the name might be butchering that but ⁓ He actually left Harvard and moved on the same street as his sister and his parents to just like practice what he was preaching
And, ⁓ and there's some beauty in that. I think, you know, I think it always goes hand in hand when you're stuck in a life of deceit and addiction and compulsion, numbing, escape. You're so lonely, you're so isolated. And there's something beautiful that comes about when you're able to experience like a real honest, good relationship and go out in nature and experience like, you know, an adventure there or.
travel somewhere and not need to rely on substances and whatever other behavior. There's something really good and beautiful about that that I think is totally being missed.
Scott Weeman (51:44)
and these things, these unnatural things that get us high, whether it's food, compulsive eating behaviors, mostly around flour and sugar, or course lust or alcohol, drugs. Marijuana, legalized in many states throughout the United States now has been long thought of as a non-addictive substance. I would argue with that for a long, time, that there are very harmful effects and potential for addiction.
But using that as an example, marijuana use on a regular basis kind of just discolors our lives. And especially when we're not under the influence. And a lot of these other things, numb, are the natural experiences that we have, whether behavior or substance. And so even something like the enjoyment of a ripe fruit can be just a gift from God, a pleasurable gift from God that it experiences. But if we are inundating ourselves with these like
know, feel-good drugs, lust behaviors, or whatever it might be. It can be very hard to almost appreciate those very subtle, pleasurable gifts from God because our minds are so focused on this need, I need this substance or this behavior. It becomes my greatest need and source of comfort because I can't rely on God or other people to meet my needs, so I've got to turn to something else.
Joey Pontarelli (53:04)
Totally, I love that you mentioned that. It's just like how, yeah, like you said, a meal itself can be so good and beautiful and refreshing and the taste is amazing. If you've ever had a good steak, it's like, wow, this is so good. But you're right, those super stimulants like porn or drinking drugs really drain the life. It's kind of ironic. It drains the life out of those naturally good things and trains our brains to just seek those super stimulants. I mean, what I'm hearing you say is like,
You do need to go through a detox period in order to experience that joy again. Otherwise you can't like they don't compare. Yes.
Scott Weeman (53:39)
Exactly. I hardly even see the miracles of God when we are so self-centered.
Joey Pontarelli (53:45)
So good man, A few final questions. I'm just curious if there's anything else you would add, especially given our audience about how maybe your parents' divorce impacted you and contributed to your struggle with addiction. You've already talked about it a bit, but I'm just curious if there's anything you would add.
Scott Weeman (54:00)
Yeah, I think that a lot of it was just this escape. was seeking, you know, I didn't trust God or other people to meet my needs, and so I sought an escape through alcohol, drugs, lust, gambling, food at times, internet and technology still at times. And so that's, yeah, that really at the crux of it. And that might manifest differently for different people, but I think a lot of it is often the same. I think really the thing that I wanted just to...
What I've been reflecting on quite a bit as a father and a husband, father of three kids, seven, five, and three going on four years old, is, you know, and also coming to meet my wife. My wife comes from a great family, parents are together, and you know, even as we were pursuing that relationship, you know, I was sober.
several, you know, couple years into my sobriety and active in my church life and, you know, even feeling a little bit of that shame of not, you know, bringing a background of like a solid family and, you know, but just grateful that she was able to kind of receive that and love me for who I was at the time. But now I think sometimes too raising our kids, I mean, we just kind of go back. I mean, our experience is what we reference and so.
you there's sometimes where I can get a little bit stuck still in resentment and I'm so grateful for the 12 steps in our Catholic faith. Just two ways, parts of my life that help invite me into something new every day. But I can get all wrapped up in, know, what I'm trying to do is trying to give my kids an experience with family that I did not have. I'm sure yours is the same, Joey, having the blessing of meeting you and your family and...
Like sometimes that can be a challenge. It can be really hard. I can even get sometimes resentful that I wasn't given this, but I'm working really hard to give this to my kids. Not in an envious kind of way, but just like I can go back to this victim mentality and also not referencing or no, you know, like, so I've got to just be very careful. And I'm so grateful though to, because our family and my kids are kind of fascinated. They're at this age now where they're very fascinated with their, my parents' divorce. They're asking questions and things.
I've learned how to even communicate with my kids about the divorce. At first, I was kind of like, well, why don't you go ask grandma, my mom, who was the one that instituted it or initiated it and kind of put it on the spot. This was not the right thing to say or do. They did not follow up and do that, by the way, but just I learned that it's probably important that I control the messaging with my kids around what had actually happened. And my mom has gone through a lot of...
reconciliation and seeking forgiveness and has come to her faith in ways and you know a lot of my resentment toward her has been, we've worked that out and very grateful for those opportunities. But sometimes they'll even ask like you know we've got to be, say often, mom and dad will not get divorced, we don't believe in divorce, even if we don't like each other we're always going to be together and because they're, you know, they're like are you guys going to get divorced or...
It just brings up conversations that I just wish weren't a part of the family, but I also get it. There are kids and they're curious and it's outside of the norm, so they're asking questions about it. I like to see it as really a gift to be able to give my kids a family and that stability that they can rely and count on, mom and dad being together no matter what. Even just being able to share my recovery with them. They know the work that I do. They've even found
a jar of my recovery tokens one day about maybe eight to ten months ago in my closet. Wow, daddy's got treasure, all these bronze tokens that commemorate different recovery milestones. So even be able to introduce to them how I've come into relationship with God and know God through my recovery and what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. You that's got to make that age appropriate, but still has been a huge gift to be able to.
just kind of reassure our kids that mom and dad will be together and then invite them to participate in my recovery, which I have but a daily reprieve based on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. I'm not cured as an alcoholic or an addict, but get to live today.
Joey Pontarelli (58:01)
Before we close down, I just wanted to make sure to touch on this because we talked about it before. People who want to help someone who's struggling with an addiction. what are maybe the top one or two mistakes they make and then what is the better right way to help someone?
Scott Weeman (58:13)
I would strongly encourage, just from an attitude standpoint of perceiving or engaging with them as if they are a sick person. A sick person, like they have a physical illness. They have a spiritual illness and have in many ways lost their capacity to say no, which does not mean that they're not accountable for their bad behavior or responsible for their actions, but the will to...
not drink or use drugs or eat compulsively or lust or gamble has been taken from them or is no longer there in the way that their loved one has. And so just to treat them as you would a sick friend. I think one of the challenges I mentioned, one of the things that people do wrong is they try to soften the blow of the consequences. And so, you know, we'll try to, you know, make sure, make that car payment so that the car is not repossessed or make that
mortgage payments because they're you know whatever might happen or bail someone out of jail or not you know make sure that they don't get in trouble or cover up for them because honestly we think of that my gosh like that would be the worst thing that could happen to them. ⁓ It may also be the best thing that could happen to them is allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their behaviors and be empowered to do something different. What you can do I think is helpful is to share from a place of humility.
and maybe even recognize like I don't have, I don't struggle with this problem, but I do struggle with this and this and this and even just kind of providing some exposure, exposing yourself and you know, kind of letting someone into what's really going on in your life can be helpful for them to get honest about what's really going on in their life. Because you know, they have been treated probably as the quote unquote identified patient in the family.
And so everyone's almost identity has become rallied around helping that person. Or maybe if it's like a child, for instance, and ⁓ other children might be resentful at mom and dad because they're giving this identified patient more attention than they're getting. it's just a lot of messiness. The whole family is impacted. And so I would strongly encourage, if it's a family member, to also try to find recovery yourself. If you, a healed person who goes back into a wounded family system,
It makes it very hard for that healed person to stay well because in a lot of ways that family system is kind of set to have that identified patient. when the identified patient gets well, other family members are not sure what to do because their identity is somewhat been formed on helping this person. And so that's, know, there's a lot of kind of deeper, I would say subconscious psychology there, but I've seen that play out so many times. There's, you know, families want to maintain the sense of homeostasis and it can be very hard to change.
within a wounded family system. And so if your loved one is struggling, find a group like Al-Anon or Es-Anon or other groups. Catholic in Recovery has a variety of different meetings and resources for family members or loved ones, friends of an addict, alcoholic, food addict, you name it. And yeah, start to recover yourself. And this can be a pathway toward surrender in new life and trust and faith and...
all of the things that can be beautiful fruits of the twelve steps and just surrendering and finding freedom through our Lord.
Joey Pontarelli (1:01:32)
stuff man, appreciate that and if people want to learn more about you and what you offer, maybe give us a little bit of a list of what you guys do offer you mentioned a little bit and how people can get that.
Scott Weeman (1:01:42)
Catholicinrecovery.com is our website. You find there all sorts of different resources. I published several books. My first book, The Twelve Steps in the Sacraments, A Catholic Journey Through Recovery, published by Ave Maria Press. It's kind of the first book that I would encourage starting with. We've also published the Catholic in Recovery Workbook, which is a sacramental guide through the twelve steps, integrating wisdom from saints, scripture, catechism, and of course taking one through the twelve steps.
and then we most recently published the Recovery Rosary, are meditations for those impacted by addiction, compulsions, and unhealthy attachments. We have a variety of resources free on our website, blog articles, and assessments that I mentioned before to help discern if this is a problem and what can be done about it. We have events taking place, monthly webinars, and ⁓ a virtual recovery summit that's going to be taking place on Friday, September 26th.
Yeah, a variety of things. And then we have a ⁓ digital resource platform called CIR Plus where we walk through your first 90 days of recovery and have a host of videos, video modules, courses, resources, webinar recordings.
community forum to connect with others in recovery through the lens of Catholic faith as well as daily reflections that reflect upon daily mass readings and another person who's right doing a saint of the day reflections as well. We just launched this the Catholic in recovery app, CIR app, so that those resources can also be can be accessed through through your phone on a mobile app. Other retreats and events and things of that nature taking place. Got a lot of good stuff going on.
Catholicinrecovery.com, can find more about that and either begin your recovery journey or if you're in recovery already and you're active in a secular 12-step recovery group, we invite you to kind of integrate your faith into that, integrate Catholic faith into that process. We're not here to replace AA or SA or NA or OA or Al-Anon or all of the different 12-step groups that could go on and on, but really to be a supplement to those groups and or to be a bridge between.
12-step recovery in the Catholic Church.
Joey Pontarelli (1:03:48)
Beautiful man. Just want to give you the last word, Ben. What final advice, encouragement would you offer to everyone listening right now, especially someone who is stuck in an addiction and feels hopeless?
Scott Weeman (1:03:58)
I would say that the cost and the price of salvation is honesty. And we're promised a banquet with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And the cost to get there is for us to be honest with Him, with others, and most importantly with ourselves. And so whatever kind of humility might need to be found, and many of us in recovery find humility first through humiliation. But whatever it takes to get right-sized in order to surrender,
and admit that I can't do this on my own, I need help, would encourage you to find people who don't have any kind of affiliation to your family, your work, your maybe even church community, but who know exactly what you've gone through and have found a solution, a solution to be free from that addiction, compulsion, or unhealthy attachment, freedom from those addictions so that we are free to love, serve, and know God, our neighbors, and ourselves.
And so I know, I totally get it. It seems like the worst thing that could ever possibly happen is for other people to know how much pain and how much challenge you're in. And the only way out of that pain and struggle and suffering and challenge that you're currently in, that enslavement, is by sharing with other people what's really going on. That seems incredibly scary, but I promise you that the fruits and the benefits from it will far outweigh the ⁓ difficulty and the challenge and the humility or maybe even humiliation.
that can be found by just letting people know what's really going on. doesn't have to be everyone. You don't need to take out a billboard to say that you are an addict and in need of help. you know, ask God in prayer how to go about doing this and then find people who can be the eyes and the arms and the feet of our Lord. Just as Micah was to me, I'll say to you, you're not alone. I know exactly how you feel. You don't ever have to drink or use drugs or eat compulsively or lust or gamble. Again.
God will make that happen, will allow you, but He also respects your free will and when you're ready, He'll show up. He may show up before you're ready to.
Joey Pontarelli (1:06:02)
That wraps up this episode of this podcast has helped you feel free to subscribe and rate or review the show. You'll avoid missing future episodes and help us reach more people. closing, I was remember you are not doomed to repeat your family's dysfunction. You can break that cycle and build a better life. And we are here to help and keep in mind the words of CS Lewis who said, you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.
