#115: The Antidote to a Life of Emptiness | Dr. Andrew & Sarah Swafford
It’s said that Henry David Thoreau once wrote, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.” Doesn’t that describe our culture? A culture that’s hooked on comfort and so void of meaning.
But thankfully, Dr. Andrew and Sarah Swafford have a solution to that problem. In this episode, we discuss:
What holds us back from lives and relationships full of meaning?
What’s needed to live a life of meaning and happiness?
How do we navigate the dating scene today?
How can you heal your brokenness?
If you’ve ever felt that ache of wanting more from life, don’t miss this episode.
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
There's a quote that's attributed to Henry David Thoreau that goes like this, Most men, most humans, live lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still inside them. Again, most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still inside them. Do you think that describes our culture?
I certainly do. I think it describes a culture that's so busy, so glued to our phones, so hooked on comfort and on things that really don't matter and so void of meaning. But thankfully, my guests today, Dr. Andrew and Sarah Swafford, Have a solution to that problem. We hit on questions in this episode, like what holds us back from living lives and relationships full of meaning what's needed to live a life and relationships that are full of meaning and happiness.
How do we navigate the dating scene today? They have a lot of great insight and advice there. How can you heal? Your brokenness. And then we also talk about the experience that so many of us feel of feeling like we're a gift that's not really worth giving or not worth keeping. We talked a little bit about what you can do about that.
And so if you've ever felt that ache of just wanting more in life, wanting better relationships and more meaningful life, make sure you don't miss this episode. Stay with us.
Welcome podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents, divorce separation, or broken marriage. So you can break the cycle. I'm your host, Joey Panarelli. This is episode 115. We're so thrilled that so many of you have found the podcast helpful and even healing. We've heard tons of great feedback.
One person left this review on Apple Podcasts. They said, five stars must listen. I'm not religious. So some ideas discussed here are new to me, yet I've gotten so much out of this podcast. I breathe easier. Listening to Joey discuss a lot of the common feelings, adult, children of divorce experience. Again, we're so happy that you found this podcast helpful and even healing.
We do it for you. And if you've found it, this podcast helpful, and if you want to help us to reach more young people who come from broken families, I wanted to tell you about this really exciting opportunity that we have a donor. generously offered a 50, 000 matching gift. You heard that right? A 50, 000 matching gift to help us grow this podcast and help us to grow the nonprofit behind this podcast.
And so the deadline for this is February 29. And so if you want to help us to again, grow the podcast, to build better resources for teenagers and adults who come from divorced and broken families, and just to help us get those resources into their hands. We'd be honored to partner with you. I'll tell you more at the end of this episode, but you can just click on the link in the show notes.
If you want to meet with me, I'd love to personally meet with you, uh, to tell you more about our plans and the resources that we have already built and plan to build in the future and how they've helped people. Um, or if you don't have time for that and you'd like to contribute, you can just click the link to donate as well.
Again, we'd be so honored to have you as a partner in this and just please know that we take your investment super seriously. And we will put it to the best possible use in helping young people from broken families to break the cycle. Today I'm joined by two amazing guests, Dr. Andrew and Sarah Swafford.
They're international speakers on dating, marriage, the moral and spiritual life, uh, St. John Paul II, and sacred scripture. They're the co hosts. of what we believe the beauty of the Catholic faith from Ascension. Sarah is also the author of the book Emotional Virtue, a guide to drama free relationships, and she's a contributor to Ascension's chosen program.
Andrew, Dr. Saufert, is a professor of theology at Benedictine College and a general editor of the Great Adventure Catholic Bible. He's also the co host of Ascension's Bible studies on Romans and Hebrews, and the author of several books, uh, both Andrew and Sarah live in Atchison, Kansas with their six children.
So, if you couldn't tell, like, obviously there's some talk in this episode about God and about faith, uh, if you don't believe in God. I'm so glad you're here. This podcast, this episode is not just for people who believe in God, it's for anyone. And so if you don't believe in God, my challenge for you would just be to listen with an open mind.
Even if you were to take out the God parts or skip them, you're still going to benefit a lot from this episode. Before we get into the interview, I wanted to thank today's sponsor. This episode is sponsored by Dakota Lane Fitness. If you've ever felt intimidated. By working out, by eating healthy, or maybe you've tried a bunch of workout programs and meal plans that just didn't work for you, this is especially for you.
Dakota Lane is a nationally certified fitness and nutrition coach who's helped about a thousand clients worldwide, including all types of people. Moms of 10 kids, CEOs, MLB baseball players, 75 year olds, and people who've never even stepped foot. In a gym, uh, what Dakota does, what he offers is he builds customized fitness and nutrition plans with around the clock accountabilities to make sure you actually do it.
And one on one coaching for people again, anywhere on the world. And he really offers a safe and approachable environment. I know it can be kind of intimidating if you're not in that whole fitness world to get started, but he's the man for the job. What else makes Dakota different than the insane amount of fitness and health coaches out there?
I want to highlight three things. One is that he's done it himself. He's ripped. He's very fit. He's very healthy. But he's not just like, you know, this buff guy. He's a good, virtuous man too. I know him personally. And he doesn't just invest in his body. in every area of his life, in his spiritual life, in his marriage, as a father, and so much more.
Another thing that makes him unique is he actually studied to become a priest for a little while. He didn't end up becoming a priest, but after he left seminary, he went on to Franciscan University of Steubenville. He went to the Augustine Institute. And while there, he developed this belief that to live a fully human life involves not just growing in one area, like your spiritual life, and neglecting the rest, like your body.
He says that we really do need to care for it all. We need to care for our bodies and restore that body soul relationship so that each of us can become more free, more virtuous, and more free to love. And so Dakota's mission That the final thing I think that sets him apart from others is to really lead people to experience the highest quality of life through intense intentional discipline and treating their bodies the way that they were made to be treated.
And so if you desire that freedom, if you want that transformation, not just physically, but in every area of your life, Dakota can help you. One client of his said this Dakota Lane changed my life. And the best part is that what I once thought was impossible was made so doable and realistic by Dakota.
This program is worth every penny. If you have struggled in the past and can't seem to find a way to change yourself for the better, look no further. Dakota Lane is your man. And so if you want to see what it is that Dakota offers and see the amazing transformations that his clients have achieved, just go to Dakota Lane Fitness.
Dakota Lane Fitness, or just click on the link in the show notes. With that, we're going to jump into our conversation, but Dr. and Sarah Swafford wanted me to say this before we get in there. They wanted me to say that everything that we talk about in a conversation, it might sound like it's really easy to do.
It's not. It's hard. It takes grit. It takes time. It's not something that you can like snap your fingers, uh, and get done. It's something that takes hard work and takes time, like I said. And so just please go into this conversation with that preface that, uh, it does take hard work. We're not trying to say that it's easy, even if we make it seem simple.
So with that, here's my conversation with this amazing couple.
Swoffords, welcome to the show. Hey, it's so great to be with you again. We're such fans of this podcast. Thank you for having us. Hey, we feel mutual. Like it's, it's the same love, the work you guys do and love you both. You guys are amazing. And thank you also for just the beautiful example of a marriage and a family that are healthy and functional and not perfect, I'm sure, but, uh, but it's really a beautiful example that I know.
We always say, don't look too close. And that's always our job, you know, it's like, Hey, we bad about eight for 10, but we hope the other 20 percent isn't in public when our kids lose their mind or things like that. Hey, eight for 10 is good. If a four for 10 in the MLB is a hall of famer. So that's pretty, pretty darn good.
There you go. Well, it's so good to have you. It's so good to talk about this new book that you guys put out. Um, I just hope everyone here can value from your wisdom and the content. And I wanted to start with. Why'd you write this book? I know writing a book is a labor of love. It's not an easy thing to do.
So what was the motivation behind it? Well, writing a book is a labor of love and writing it with your another person, you have to really like that person. No, I'm just kidding. We, we keep joking. We wrote a book and we're still married, so that, that has to be something, right? No, uh, no, no, no, no. We, um, we had a blast writing this book and it was actually.
I don't want to say that it was easy because it was not easy. The devil hated it. Um, but it was definitely one of those books where we have been talking about this stuff and we have been praying through this stuff and we have been sharing the stuff that's in this book for years. And so it was almost like it.
Kind of like emotional virtue with my other book. It was kind of at a point where it was like this needs to go somewhere so that people can access it instead of just sitting around our, our, you know, island in our kitchen talking about these things. So it was more a process of how do we want to, you know, organize this thought?
How do we want to bottle something that is. so important to us and so many themes that we kept seeing come up, especially after the C word after COVID. Um, so it was very much a book that we felt like it was time to put all of this somewhere. So it was hard to write. Um, but it was also easy to write if that makes any sense.
I think we had eight different versions that we passed back and forth to each other. Um, so it, it morphed and changed and moved and was really a breathing, living document, if you will. And, uh, so we had a blast and it's been really fun for people to read it. Sometimes, uh, it's funny, our kids, we are, we have some high school boys, um, and they're like, They would write in the car, like in the column, you know, like, or in the margin, like mom said that dad said that.
And then we had a lot of people were like, I couldn't tell who said what. And so it was neat. I think the more, you know, as you, the more, if you know us pretty well, you're like, Oh yeah, I hear Dr. Swafford. I hear Sarah. I hear, I hear these people coming through. Beautiful. And I know a lot of it was based on your experience in Italy.
Would you tell us a little bit about that? Yeah. I mean, it, it, it was fun to write. It kind of came out of us. It had been welling up for a long time. And, uh, so in 2018, um, I taught in our Florence program in spring of 2018 and we had 48 college students over there. And, you know, it was kind of, I mean, I, I've taught, this is, I think my 16th year.
I mean, so a long time, but you get to know them in the classroom and students, we got to know us in the classroom, but to live with them for three months, every meal together, traveling. Long bus trips got to really kind of get to know them at a deeper, deeper level. And, uh, it kind of, uh, it confirmed a lot of things we'd already kind of intuited and seen in our culture, especially you said post COVID that our culture often is like, we don't have a story, you know, we're searching for meaning and purpose and you know, who am I and all these great questions.
And. Uh, so the book, it's about relationships and we did a lot of relationship counseling while we were there, but it's, it's at a deeper level. It's also about meaning and purpose and kind of where is my life going and, and kind of, it, again, it had been brewing for a long time, but living life with these students.
And we had three marriages, for example, come out of that semester. None of those students were dating at the time. In fact, one was in a serious relationship with somebody else and like kind of a bad situation. I mean, so it was like, just like living life together. Um, and it's, so it's, the book kind of touches on a lot of things, uh, but I'd say the red thread again, it's, it's relationships, it's friendships, it's dating, it's, it's marriage, it's our walk with the Lord, it's putting that all in the context of like, what is our life about?
And I think for so many, life's a story with no plot, you give your life meaning. And part of what we long for is meaning that's received, right? And we're all looking for that. And, and, and believers or non believers alike, like we're looking for, you know, what is my life about? That's not something of my own making.
It's not hollow. Uh, it's, it's stable. It's objective. It's real. Uh, and I can kind of stake my life on it. Cause if you don't have that, your relationships really. They're not going to, you know, they're not going to go anywhere. They're not going to be the, I mean, when you're looking for your everything, you're, you know, for someone else to be your savior for someone, when you put all of your worth in what others think of you, or you, you know, everything you do is because someone told you, you should do it, or you feel like you have to do, you know, something like pick this vocation or pick this job or whatever.
Um, one of the things we say a lot is, you know, you, you really want to be cast in a divine play. Like you want, like you want to be given this like great role and you want to, and you want to do that well. And, you know, swath is summons a vocation. Like I'm here for a purpose that's bigger than me. It's a gift, you know?
And, and so I think that that, when people were really latching onto that, you know, like any main meaning that is self made is no meaning at all is something that swath says all the time. And I watch people's eyes get really big. Like. Oh shoot. Because I am, I, Sarah's Wobbard am a recovering perfectionist.
I'm a people pleaser. I'm a firstborn shout out to everybody out there. Who's the control freak and recovering. Um, but I, I really wanted to like manipulate my life. And one of the words that I have been loving, um, in counseling and through spiritual direction and just in my life is, you know, watching for those times when we're grasping and that we're grasping or that word manipulating or that word, you know.
I'll be happy if and when filling in those blanks where you're always feeling like you have to perform. I mean, we can do a whole podcast on just how love, especially from, from our Lord, but also love and a relationship, um, in a friendship or whatever, you know, when you know, and feel like it's a performance based love.
And you have to earn it or you have to deserve it or you have to like bend over backwards to keep it and you can't have any weaknesses and you can't have any failures and you have to be perfect. Like I'm exhausted talking about it. You know what I mean? Like it's just, but, but how many people live like that?
And so we really wanted to hit. In this book, we wanted to drill really down deep because you know, Swafford's we love talking about relationships. We love talking about dating marriage. We love talking about all the things, but if you take two people and put them in a relationship, if you don't get that, what is my life about?
What am I living for? What is my definition of love? If you don't get those core questions, if you're not asking those questions and you don't have definitions for those questions, um, then that's really, really, the word is it really isn't the big enough word. It will severely affect your relationships.
And I think we've all felt that, um, in a positive and a negative way in our lives. And so we really wanted to get at the heart of that question. Beautiful. Yeah. No, it's, it's shaky ground to stand on. If you don't have that deep reason to live, that's bigger than yourselves. And, and that's kind of the definition of meaning that I.
Again, from Viktor Frankl, um, And I found that super helpful. And so I'd love to talk with you more about that, but I do want to start with the problem. You guys already touched on this a little bit, but I'm curious, what are you seeing in the lives of the young people that you're leading? What barriers are holding them back from living lives and relationships that are full of meaning and joy?
Fear, I think is a big driver. I think people are. Um, they're afraid of letting go of certain things that might be familiar to them or patterns that are familiar or ways of coping that they've, they've developed over the years, but also like these images they have of themselves. They live in the shadows, right?
I mean, this is, this is who this group expects me to be. And so that group expects me to be, it's how my parents expect me to be. And some of that can be good, but some of it can be really debilitating. It's like, and there's a really, there's a, there's a need to take off the shackles of to be who we were made to be.
Um, and that deep kind of resonance that's authentic, it's, it's coming up from the groundswell, um, and to stop living in the shadows of all this fear of all these things on the outside. And then we we've seen myself, Sarah, I mean, and students that. Man, it's so liberating, but like, it's like so many things you have to, you know, a door's got to close before a new one opens and that's terrifying.
It's scary. So, you know, we, we, you know, I, I think like a sloth is like my favorite. Ah, that was exactly the word I was like, Oh yeah. Well, I think it's the vice for age. It's not just laziness. It's, it's a sadness at the difficulty of the good. It's like, I want to be great, but that looks too hard. And so I'm sad and you can't just like sit in that sadness.
So you've got to find outlets. Right. And so. It could be comfort food, it might be food, it might be pornography, drugs, sex, alcohol, something to kind of numb the pain or, or just kind of an entertainment, right? It might be the 24 hour news cycle, it might be kind of mindless scrolling on the phone, just something to kind of like sports news to kind of like numb the pain cause I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.
So I think part of it is I'm taking students through Augustus Confessions right now and at one point he's like, I finally, the Lord got me to look at myself. Like I wouldn't look at myself, my life, cause you know, I don't want to see myself. And a lot of people when they're not doing well, like they don't want to be alone with their thoughts.
They don't want to, they don't want to, you know, and part of it's like, come face to face with yourself, come face to face with who you really want to be and ask yourself like, are the decisions we're making, the people we're surrounding ourselves with, is that taking me toward or away from that? Uh, and it's, it's, yeah, it's, it's a long journey, but it's the same old stuff.
It's, I mean, things change. COVID changes things. But, you know, it's, it's the same things that have snared humanity throughout history. Yeah. You look for love in all the wrong places. You want to be seen, known, and heard. And we're thirsty for it, um, but it's easy to kind of fill up, um, you know, in, in dregs of, um, poison that won't fill us up.
But, We go back again and again and again. Well, one of the things that with sloth as he was speaking, I was like, it's a lot like a lot of people don't even Know that word or they think it means like laziness And I love when when swath explains it to the college students or you know We're like giving a talk or something.
He always says It's also, it's not laziness because it could be like the, I want to distract myself. I want to just like, it's hard. So I'm just going to roll over and die. And like, it's like New Year's resolutions. You're like, this sounds great. And then it's like January 6th. And you're like, just kidding.
You know what I mean? It's like, no, it's too hard. Um, but he always talks about how it's also, you could, you could be living in sloth and be like a workaholic. Like you're, you're just trying to mask. I see this in a lot of people's lives. Adult, young adult. I mean, almost kids too. Busy that drowns out that.
So that silence, you know, you might work in a, you know, a hard, you know, eight hour work week, but you're still struggling with sloth. Cause you're trying to distract yourself or even like, you know, you might not, it might not be work. It might be like worshiping at the altar, the mirror, you know, it's like, if I could just look a certain way, then I'll find my, you know, it's all the ifs and whens, you know?
So it's like, you know, just, and that's not just working out. It can be just like, again, the way I look, the way I present myself, I need to have all of these. You know, you know, check in all these boxes and I think social media has, I mean, this is like a whole nother conversation, but I think what used to be maybe 50 years ago, you know, you're walking down the, you know, you're walking down the hall in your school and you're like, man, my hair looks good today.
And like, man, I got a cute book bag or whatever. And whoever's in the hallway is like, you look so cute. Oh my gosh. I love it. Whatever, you know. Um, but now it's like this. Stage is so big and it's the world and it's, it's everyone in the world. And then on top of that. Um, I've been so intrigued with this whole, like, uh, Instagram, you know, people who aren't real people.
They're just AI generated people that, that have like, like that one chick with like the cute tennis skirt, you know, I can't remember what her name is, but it's like, she's flawless. She's beautiful. She has this great life and probably. 75 percent of people on Instagram don't know that she's a computer generated.
She's not real. And so these girls or guys or whatever, I mean, moms out there, those, you know, 40, 50 year old moms out there are trying to look really cute. And it's like, don't compete with what's not real. She is, she doesn't have pores. She doesn't have cellulite. Like these are, she is not human, you know, like, so I think it's just really good for everyone to take a step back and be like, okay, sloth, like.
I, you know, I'm, I can't be alone with my thoughts, but also like, what am I grasping for? What am I trying to achieve here that isn't really achievable? Do you know what I mean? There's just a lot of just like fake world stuff. That's difficult. People are truly comfortable in their own skin. Yeah. Wow. Truly at peace and rejoice in that.
Yeah, so good. We would all like to, right? And what a freedom. What a freedom when you even flirt with it. Amen. Like when you're even getting, I mean, when you're even like. Gosh, I feel comfortable with this person. What a win. What a victory. Just even if it's just one person Yeah, I think everyone listening can understand and know like you maybe only have a few people in your life That you can be your non manipulated self with And some people have zero and that's okay.
But I think, I think we were made for more. I think we were made for that kind of relationship. And the question is, what do we need to do to get that to, and that's what this book is about. Absolutely. This is a book about that. So good. No. And I think that the fakeness or the presentation of what we think will make us wanted, make us love, make us seen as you guys talk so clearly about in the book.
It leads to nowhere. It leads to the opposite. It leads to more emptiness. It leads to more misery. It leads to more grasping, like you're saying. And so I think it's such a refreshing message that the opposite, like being real, among other things, is like the antidote, like the solution, which I'm excited to get into.
But one of the things that I've noticed, I'd love to get your thoughts on this too, at the root of really all the problems in my life, and I've seen a lot in the young people that we're working with who come from broken families, is sin and brokenness. Sin and brokenness. Like fear comes at a point, like you guys said, you know, the comparison, like all that other stuff.
But I've seen at the root, root, root, sin, brokenness. the things I believe that after sin, the thing that holds us back the most from becoming the best version of ourselves is our untreated brokenness. I think that just leads to so many problems. And Dr. Bob Schutz and I were talking on his podcast recently, um, about this like really powerful analogy I heard on another podcast where this woman just had been through a lot of trauma in her life.
And she shared this Idea of like her in a swimming pool. She said like the brokenness was like her hair, you know Kind of carried behind her as she swam and if she could just outrun it if she could just keep moving It would never catch up with her. She would never feel it and man. How powerful is that?
I've felt that in my own life It's like we just try to outrun we try to add more noise. We try to add more distractions We try to add more comfort like you said, Dr. Schaffer Just outrun our brokenness because we're afraid that if we stop, then all that muck, all that dirt, all that brokenness will just envelop us and overwhelm us.
And so we just try to outrun it. That's beautiful. Afraid to see ourselves as we are. And we're afraid that someone else might see me as I am. Yeah. Yeah. And then being able to show the right people. You know, that is, is suffering and I've experienced that in my own life, especially with my mentors, you know, my spiritual director and, um, yeah, and friends and my spouse and all that stuff as well.
But man, how, how beautiful that can be. And, um, yeah, I think, you know, the scariest person to face is yourself. So with that, let's transition to the solution. What is the solution? What, what's needed to live that life of, of meaning and relationships filled with joy. Oh, it's so good. Oh, yeah. I, you know, I had a student ask me, uh, just recently, uh, it kind of came out of nowhere after class.
It's like, can prayer ever become selfish? And I, I still don't know exactly where this question was coming from, but I'm like, well, are you thinking in terms of like healing? Like is it too self centered? I mean, I think number one, like entering into the deep work of healing of going, because in prayer you get to know God better, but you get to know yourself better.
What's going on in my heart? What's brought me to this place? Like, That's not narcissistic. That's not selfish because the greatest act of charity you may ever, I mean, one of the greatest acts of charity you can do is enter into that healing work. Because as we all know, like if we don't, it's going to come out in other forms of dysfunction.
It's going to transfer to all of our other relationships. It's going to, it's going to inhibit our ability to really love and be present to others around us. So to me, the answer is relationship. It's with God. It's, it's going into those places that we're afraid to look. It's, it's being patient with ourselves.
We want this to be a quick fix, but it's often not. We didn't get there overnight. We're not gonna get out overnight, but then also simultaneously relationships with other people. We can have that love of God mediated to us. We can be seen and known and loved and understood and Affirm for who we are as we are as wonderful and great But also a work in project, uh, in progress and not perfect overnight.
And, uh, so to me that, that healing, it's not selfish. It's going to be one of the greatest acts of charity. Any one of us ever do. And our, our family tree, whether biological or spiritual, like. The people that cross our paths moving forward, that tree, that trajectory will be altered by whether or not we actually go deep with our own stuff and our own junk and actually enter that healing.
And if we don't, it'll be altered in a different way. So you can kind of, we're all like been thrown into this life. We've all had these like scars, good and bad, all these things. And we can just kind of keep passing that forward or we can like buck the trend. Like I know Joey, you know, you and I have talked about this and, uh, you know, we, we, we really want to raise our families in a way that's, I mean, we're grateful for what was given to us, but we also want to do some things we want to want to be some of what we didn't receive.
And I think of that as like, you're never divorced from your past, but. You can buck that. You can start a new line and it's not a brand new line, but like with Christ, he makes all things new and it's, it's, it's a new point. There's a before and after. And so the healing is not selfish. It will transform all those that cross your path moving forward.
Yeah. And I, I mean, as he's talking, he like, I just get excited. Cause I'm like, who doesn't want that? And who, I mean, and who doesn't have a. Bag over their shoulder of things that I mean, I don't care if you come from like a really great family And you get along with your family. You do not come out of that unscathed Like I have I come from a great family still wounded.
Um, I was bullied in seventh grade I had to switch schools So I was bullied from one school to another school in seventh grade and that wasn't necessarily my family My dad battled cancer at the same time. So like that was all hard, but it wasn't again. I come from a I come from a family of humans, which means I come from a tough family.
You know what I mean? Like, so I guess like, I just, I want everyone out there listening. Like this isn't just for all those people who have broken families or, Oh, these people, like it's kind of for everyone. And I think that's what we're seeing with the feedback from the book is. Oh, my gosh, I didn't even realize how much of of my past and the way I view myself and the way I'm, you know, struggling is affecting my current and my present.
I think that was just really big. I I've loved the feedback. And the reason a lot of people will be like. Wait, gift and grit, like why, why the title? And we, and we went back and forth and back and forth about what this should be called. And, and I said, I want something that we can explain quickly. And whenever I tell people what the book's about, I always say, here's the deal.
Like you are a gift, like you, your life is a gift. Like, I mean, everything you've been given, there's just the fact that you're here is such a gift. And the whole purpose of your life, the meaning of your life is to give your life away as a gift. But do you have the grit to do it? Because it is freaking gritty to give your life away.
And it is one of the grittiest things you'll ever do is to believe that you are a gift and to have the confidence to be able to say, I'm a gift. With all my mess, with all my trials, with all my mistakes, with all my past, with all my brokenness, I still know that I'm a gift. Because I think 75 percent of the world doesn't believe that, and that's where a lot of brokenness comes from, right?
I mean like, let's be honest, 98 percent of the world doesn't believe they're a gift, and they believe they have nothing to offer. And so it's like, okay, well, I'm just kind of like, you know, over here and I got nothing to give and I'm not, you know, and then what happens is and where I think a lot of people are getting this is the trend right now is very self help.
It's very, um, which again, like we're pro social media. We're pro self help. We're pro all those things. But I think what people are starting to feel is like, Man, I spend a lot of time worried about myself, worried about what I look like, worried about what I'm doing, worried about, you know, one of my favorite memes right now is, you know, our ancestors came across the country in a covered wagon and I, I write things on my planner, like drink water, like it's hilarious.
You know what I mean? Like, so I just, I think it's so fun to see the world try to like, they're trying, like the world is trying to find meaning. They're trying to be like everything they want to be. But the question is. For who? Because so much of the world is about, so many people are about catering to themselves and it's all about me It's all about me.
It's all about me and everybody's in my way and everybody's competition and everybody's all the seven It's like you are totally missing it like the whole point, you know to find someone, you know I love to pull out as an example religious Consecrated women. Okay. So even if there is people out there who are not Catholic, not Christian, not, don't believe in God.
If you've ever met a nun, a religious sister, they, they literally glow. They, they like, I mean, it's like a video game and they're the ones with like the magical powers that like, you know, they're happy. They're content. They're lovely. They, I mean, they're just, they're so happy and literally people look at them like they're this like foreign species.
Cause it's like, how can you be so happy? And I will tell you the secret sauce of being a religious woman. They know they're a gift and they know their whole life is about giving it away and they're gritty. They're really gritty. And so, and what do I mean by that? They pray, they love, they get, they'd live in service and they're magnets.
People just want to be with them because they're just so awesome. And again, if you've never met a religious woman, like try it out, go try to make a friend. They will, I promise you they will be your friend. Um, and so, but what I'm trying to make that point of is like the world is searching for this secret sauce.
And when people start to realize the secret sauce is all about having confidence that like your life matters. Like, you are a gift, like you are loved, and when you start to believe that, you live differently. And if you don't believe that, you live differently. And then when you start to realize that the whole purpose and meaning of your life and the freedom and the joy, your greatest joy is found in giving your life away, you live differently.
I mean, I think one of the most attractive things about a human being is selflessness. It's really hard to find, but who doesn't want a selfless spouse and who doesn't want a selfless mom and who doesn't want a selfless dad and who doesn't want a selfless friend? Even if they're just striving for it, because no one's perfect.
Like, what if we're just striving to not have my whole life be about me? And I think that that's what, but it's grit. It's not like, can I get up and work out in the morning? No. Can you be virtuous? Can you be loving? Can you be patient? Can you be kind? Can you be thoughtful? Um, can you be not all about you?
It's really, really hard. It's gritty. That's what the book is about. And that's why we wanted gift and grit in the title. Cause it was like, we kept going back to this as a couple, as parents, as ministers, as people who, you know, hang out with friends. It's like, this is what I want. For my family, it's what I want for myself, and I think it's what we're, a lot of the world's missing.
Beautiful. So good. Man, so much I want to comment on. You guys made me think of the C. S. Lewis quote when he said, Humility is not thinking, you know, less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less. How freeing is that? You know, when, in times in my life where I've lived that well, which is like, Maybe like a week here.
There. It's so freeing. It's so freeing. It's so freeing to live a life. That's not just focused on you. Like you said, it's so much what I hear you both go ahead, please. That's when you're comfortable in your own skin. I mean, otherwise it's about self aggrandizement. Like, how can I make my, you know, find this social ladder?
And then it's wallowing in self pity and resentment. And it's like, so you're a hundred percent, right. I mean, Lewis Lewis nailed that. The humility is not just, I'm so bad. I'm so bad because if that's what you're thinking about, what are you thinking about me right now, it's like, take your eyes off yourself, enjoy the world, enjoy reality, enjoy the people around you and actually enter their world.
Beautiful. Yeah. I remember getting that advice from Jason over years ago, I think it was in high school at the time and just, you know, going through a lot of my own brokenness, especially after my family fell apart. And one of the things he told me was like, find someone in your life who is worse off than you and just like love on them.
And he wasn't encouraged me to like, ignore my brokenness and just like run from it, but truly like take that pain. And make something beautiful with it, which I think is, is so powerful. And so again, I'm not encouraging people to run away, working on it, working on it. God chooses the rustiest of instruments.
I questioned him on his, uh, at times, but we're here and we're doing it. Yeah. Yeah. But so much of what I hear you guys saying is about like identity and identity can be kind of elusive when we talk about it. It's not, it can be not very practical, but I hear you guys making it so practical in this conversation in this book.
And I love thinking back to, um, you guys probably know the story better than me. So correct me if I'm off here, but jump hold a second when he was in Poland, I forget if he was just a Bishop or. Pope at that point, but he, you know, the communists were trying to redefine the identity of the Polish people so that they can control them and get them to do what they wanted to.
And I remember that really powerful quote. He said something like, like, you are not who they say you are. Let me remind you. Who you are how beautiful and that and that I think there's this lesson that we receive our identity from others I think we can't define it ourselves. I think it's actually impossible and first and foremost We need to receive it from God But then also the people in our lives who love us who can speak into like no no, this is who you are You're not what you you're not as bad as you think you are And maybe you're not as good as you think you are in some ways like Like, we can see you as you are, and we love that, and that's good and beautiful, and um, and along those lines, I think, like you guys are saying, there is this tendency for us to hide the bad parts of our lives, but I've noticed in myself, even the good things, like even those gifts that we have, we might not step into them fully.
We might want some form of like secrecy or, and usually what I've seen in my own life, it's like based out of a fear that, you know, if we try our best, if we Do go all out at it. People are going to think it's not enough. People are going to, you know, put it down. I remember talking to one young woman who was just very like competent, talented.
And she said, basically, if I never give it my all, then I don't have to face the rejection and failure of knowing, well, I gave it my all and it didn't succeed. So if I always play it safe and just kind of go for like, The B level, then I won't ever have to face that. And I think that's so true for some of us.
So there's a lot there, but that's what I hear you guys saying. That's what I think this book, why it's so valuable and so needed in our time right now. But before we move on to relationships and things, I'd love to get your comment on any of that. The word that came to me when you were talking about that girl is like, um, just this, I feel like there's so much pressure on people.
I don't care how old you are. I don't care what role you're on in life. I just feel like there's a lot of pressure and that whole kind of aspect of Just not wanting to disappoint anyone, especially yourself. And you know, father Mike actually was talking about this. We were, I was up with his father, Mike Schmitz, the bulldogs up in Duluth.
And he was talking about the fact that what he was seeing post COVID with a lot of young adults was. Not really wanting to invest or get excited about things because it was probably just going to be canceled anyway, or it just probably wasn't going to happen anyway, like almost like the, yeah, just that whole idea of why am I going to invest myself or try, because it's probably not going to be enough for anyone.
And I'm, it's probably not even going to happen or just. Um, and so many people saw relationships that they had invested in. And then after COVID, it was like, they just dropped them or, you know, like, I don't, they don't call anymore. We don't date anymore. I don't know. Just, it was kind of just this like abrupt, you know, tear or drip or rift.
And it wasn't just COVID's fault. I think this is just human. You know, it, there's like a human desire. Um, and almost like a fear that exactly what this girl is saying of, you know, the greatest thing that I can do is not try because then I don't, I'm not disappointed and I can just kind of float. I think we see this with a lot, we, we personally have heard this from a lot of young adult men and men in general, um, where they're just like, it's too much.
I know I can't do it. I don't even, I just, I'm fine to be single my whole life because I am so intimidated by that and I don't even want to risk. No risk. No, thank you. We talk a lot about risk in the book. Just that idea of, um, what does it mean to put yourself out there? That's so hard. Even in a friendship, even in just trying to find friends.
Like it's, I think for a lot of people, it's scary. Um, and so I, I guess that one thing that I was just thinking about is something that I learned in counseling, um, just recently that I have been loving was from father Boniface Hicks. Um, if he, if, if you're, he's just a phenomenal, uh, Benedictine, um, but he's, he's great.
And I guess he, my counselor was telling me that he was making the point that a lot of times in the world, the, like the world's formula is you try something, you succeed and you arrive. And he said for the Christian, for the, you know, for the Catholic, sometimes the formula is actually try, fail, and surrender.
And the thing that happens is like, I think for me, I connected to this a lot and probably some of your listeners will too, because I try something and if I don't succeed and I don't arrive, then I think it was a total failure. So I live some of my life where I'm like waiting and working really hard and thinking that I'm going to like, but I never fully arrive.
You know, like, let's just say I want to be the world's best mom that's ever happened, you know, just the best mom ever. Well, when do you know that you've really succeeded as a mom? When do you know that you've really succeeded in your marriage? When do you know that you've arrived in your marriage? It's like, I mean, it's always But what I, what I took from that was, I think a lot of people feel that burn of, I am not succeeding, I'm not arriving, I'm, this is not going well.
So they stop trying and they're so afraid to fail that they just stop trying. And I have seen this in a lot of people's lives where it's like, it's not worth the risk. I'm just not gonna, I'm just not even going to try anymore. And that's where you get into that sloth and you get into that just self seeking and that bitterness and that, and that resentment, um, when really it's about trying and then, you know, you're probably going to fail and we're not perfect.
It's okay. Like you're, I mean, but, but when you do surrender it, That's where you usually start seeing this like quote unquote success because you're like whoa This is this is actually moving. This is actually going somewhere and I actually kind of suck at it, but I'm still going at I'm still trying and I'm still putting something into it, but it's not about arrival and it's not about success and it's not about achieving It's not about checking boxes or you know I just think the world is really caught up in with what defines How we define success.
And I think to the Christian, to the, you know, to the person who's trying not to live a selfish life, you got to redefine success. Friends. The part of what I hear about the surrender is it depends on what context we're talking about, but you surrender the outcome. Like I can't control the outcome all the time, but I can keep hacking at that tree.
I can keep doing what I'm supposed to do and just, just keep. Keep on going because you just, you don't know if it's the 21st hack or the 51st or that a tree's gonna fall. So don't let that hope die. I think I came across this quote super damning, but I'm like, Oh man, that's piercing because I think meaning and commitment are going to go hand in hand that you're not going to find me in your life until you're willing to throw yourself in and commit.
And this quote went like this, said a younger generation is going to die alone without the spouse. They never married without the kids. They never had. And without the God, they never knew. And again, I, it's not my quote. I I'm like, Oh my gosh. But it's a younger generation, probably because they've been burned.
They've been burned so many times. They're afraid to trust. Right. But a younger generation is going to die alone without the spouse that never married the kids that never had without the God they never knew. And I think modern man, I think is. More afraid of believing something false is true, like more afraid of being hoodwinked than they are missing out on a truth they miss out on.
They're afraid to take that risk and they'd rather play it safe and not get burned. But the thing is, not to decide is to decide because life will pass you by. We see this again and again and again and that's, we're not here to play defense. We're here to play offense and throw yourself into life. And there's going to be some bumps, right?
Yeah. You're not going to get it right all the time. Surrender the outcome. Yeah. But play the game, man. Yeah. Amen. So good. No, I love that. And I think another definition for grittiness could be just like your willingness to do hard things. And even suck at that. I've realized that I've realized that being such a good skill in life in general, but especially like in business, for example, of like, if you're willing to, like, work hard at learning something and go through the discomfort of being bad at it while you get good at it, you are going to be unstoppable, like truly.
Yes, well, and I, I could spend Joey, we could spend probably hours, I'll just fly out there and we can have like a five hour conversation. I call them glory stories. Cause like I could just, we could sit for hours. We've been doing ministry for over 20 years and it's like, I, when we talk about these kinds of things, we're not just talking about these abstract ideas.
I, in my head have pictures and flashes of people and I can't tell you how many, especially guys. Who have heard us or heard, you know, read the books or whatever and are just like, okay I'm gonna try that and all of a sudden they're like putting themselves out there and trying to like make female friends and try I'm Just laughing at the whole dating part of this where these guys were just paralyzed And then all of a sudden we're like well, okay XYZ these are like take these ten tips and run and I can't tell you how many guys have come back and been like Oh my gosh.
Like I, I would have never risked like this girl, like shutting me down or whatever, you know? And then it's like, yeah, by like the sixth date that I went on, I was like, they come to me and they're like, I'm getting better at this. I'm like, I know you are like, you just have to like keep going. And, but a lot of people don't ever want to try.
And these guys are married with kids and like, I mean they've, they've, what do you call it? They've arrived. If that's what we're really looking for. You know what I mean? But they, it was all about just like, I'm going to risk it. I'm going to put myself out there. I'm going to try to make guy friends and then I'm going to try to make female friends.
I'm going to try to make friends in general. I'm going to try to find people. It's not comfortable. It's not easy. I don't like throwing myself out there, but as I did it, I got better at it. And now I enjoy it. And now I, and now I have this like, Big group of friends that I never knew was possible. And I'm so glad I took that leap.
And I think that's what people need to hear is like, take the leap and in so many areas of your eye of your life, take that jump, you know, we know in other areas, I mean, I'll talk Europe, but like we, you know, what a musical instrument, foreign language. For me, it's been jujitsu. Like you have to, like you said, you have to be okay with sucking for a while.
That's why you get good. And like, it's not a linear line. Like it's going to take some time and then you hit these thresholds, but like, don't forget those things that we know are so true in every other walk of life. They're true in friendship, the true relationship between the spiritual life, that they translate readily.
If we just remember those, those basic principles that like stay the course and there's a new freedom around the corner. Hmm. So good. And I love the focus on just doing the small things, doing the small things, which I know we could talk a ton about. Um, but one of the things I just wanted to mention before we switched to dating, cause I know people want to hear your advice on that is that I think so often, um, underneath a lot of our fear, like you guys said so well, Is that, yeah we fear we're not enough in so many ways.
I remember in high school, uh, really struggling in my friendships because I felt like I had nothing to bring to the table. The way that I put into words was, I felt like a gift that wasn't worth giving or a gift that wasn't worth keeping. Like on the surface I could do like kind of the temporary, short, kind of flashy.
be like the wrapping paper, but I feared that once people open the gift, there's like no substance to it. And so that took a lot of time for me to wrestle with, but I think a lot of people find themselves there, even if they have this inkling, this belief that, yeah, I know I'm a gift intellectually, but I don't really feel that I don't really see evidence of it in my life.
And, uh, and that's something you do have to wrestle with. But I think in time, like you said, through relationships, especially your relationship with God and mentors, those. Being the two primary ones in my life, you're able to then not just believe in an intellectual level, but like in your bones at the level of your heart, like, no, you are a gift.
You have something so valuable to offer to the world, not just what you can do, but just who you are. Um, so I want to get to dating, but I know there's so much to say there too. Oh, no, I mean, I can't improve upon Joey, but I think part of it, though, part of the paradox is, and it's funny, I've had conversations with my high school boys about this, like, you see different groups, different contexts, where everybody's like trying to be like everybody else.
It's like, well, that's when you become a boring gift. Like the paradox is like you will actually only be a real gift and an exciting gift and an interesting gift when you just be yourself, right? Like be true to who you really are and stop playing this fake charade. Yeah, so good. Let's get to dating quickly.
So it's a mess out there, right? It's a hot mess. The dating scene right now. We all know this. Um, what are your quick tips on, you know, navigating that and finding that right person? There are no quick tips. That's that's a sad thing. That's the hard thing. Um, well, that was, that was one of the things that, um, when we first started doing ministry was when social media came out, we will be married.
We've been married 18 years. Um, and. You know, we, I, when we were dating, we were long distance and we didn't have zoom FaceTime texting. Um, I mean, we're not dinosaurs, but like we did, all we had was like the razor flip phone. You know what I mean? It's just like, wow. And I think that one of the things that I really want your listeners to hear is, and I say this too, like anytime I'm giving a talk, I usually start the talk with this, which is.
If you feel like this is the hardest, craziest, unknown territory, I'm not doing this right. I must be the only one that can't figure this out. This is so ridiculously hard. If you're feeling all those things, just know that you're not alone. And guess what? You are the first group in human history that has ever had to play with this particular set of cards.
Like this deck that we're all holding of cards that we're supposed to be playing with has never seen In the history of man, some of the cards that we're seeing, I mean, social media loans. I mean, when you start looking at even just like post pandemic world, just like having technology in a post pandemic during a pandemic kind of thing that never before online dating never been a thing before.
Um, I mean, we could go video games, like just having to introduce all of these things is AI, like we are sitting in a time in history where you should, I mean, there's no reason for you to feel like, you know what you're doing. So I think everyone needs to take a really deep breath in, like inhale, exhale, and just kind of have a little bit of, honestly, just a little bit of love for each other and a little bit of patience with each other and a little bit of understanding that.
No one exactly knows how to navigate this and no one knows how to parent this and no one knows how I mean It's kind of just a it's a really interesting time. And so I I really cut Uh, I cut people a ton of slack because I just feel like, you know, we, dating is so messy and I don't think that it's just one of those things where people can be like, just figure it out.
Like get over, like get over, what's so hard about it. I want to like slap people like, I don't know how many grandmas or hairdressers or people have said things to young, young adults like, Oh, why are you dating anyone? Oh, like, Oh, like you should cut your hair and just get prettier. You should like, what?
You're not a man enough to go ask people out. I'm like, shut up, like shut up. You know what I mean? Like, why are you putting more pressure on these people? Do they not know how difficult this is? Like, I mean, so I just, I really want people to hear in my voice how much love and just respect I have for your fight.
And for the fact that you are just trying to navigate this and don't feel like you suck at this because it's like, everyone does kind of, you know what I mean? Like it's, it's just very new to everyone. So, so there is no, I mean, there's no quick fix. I, I'm, I'm so sorry. To everyone out there who's navigating the dating scene, like you have been dealt a really tough deck of cards.
Okay. All that said, it's good advice. Yeah. There is a way to do this, right? Like there, I mean, so, so all that said, look at me, get all excited and be like, but we've got thoughts, you know what I mean? So, um, so we wrote this book. I mean, there is an entire chapter in this book on can men and women be friends.
Because that is probably one of the questions, uh, that we get a lot because even in secular dating, it's so like the norm to just pass somebody your number at a bar or, you know, it's very much like, um, kind of the dog and pony show of like, this is who I am. And you just have this, like 1 date where you're just like the greatest person has ever existed.
And you know what I mean? And you can feed people lines and you can lie and you can lie on social media. You can lie on a dating app. You can lie in person. And I think it's really hard to trust. Um, so the greatest thing you can do if anybody out there who's trying to navigate the dating scene, I mean, the greatest thing you can do is invest in friendships.
Because nine times out of 10, you are going to find someone who is worthy of dating in a group of friends that you already trust because you don't know, you don't have to just trust this one person and the dog and pony show. You can trust that group of friends to help you navigate that together, which is really beautiful.
Um, you also can see, you learn a lot more. When you're in a big group of friends than you ever would on one blind date, like how do they interact with other men? How do they interact with other women? How do they treat other men? How do they treat other women? Um, there's just so many things. And this is where I know we don't have a ton of time, but this is where it's really interesting to dive into the.
How hard it is to date without social, like in person cues. I mean, things that you pick up on that you could never pick up on over text or over online, you know, there's so many things like, does someone like you, or are you interested in someone? It's really hard to do when you're not actually physically with that person.
So it's so interesting. Just those, you know, just all those cues that I would say a hundred years ago they had, and we, we don't always have, you know, it's, it's just like, wow. So how do we navigate knowing? That these things aren't at the ready as much as they used to be. Um, but how do we navigate that?
Like we love online. We always say we love online dating, um, because it's about online meeting and in person dating. Like online meeting is our online dating is a great way to quickly find people in your, You know, even if they're far away, just like trying to find people that you actually would want to, you know, meet and date, you know what I mean?
It's really hard to date completely online and to know everything you need to know about their family, their friends, how they act around other people, how they act around you. Like you, there's so much that it's hard to pick up on, but we're huge. I mean, we're huge fans of gosh, meet, meet, meet. You've got to meet people.
And it's really hard. to meet people, even if you're, if you're from like a small town or you're, you work a lot or whatever. It's like, okay, you have a lot of things, but investing in good friends is going to be life changing for you. Um, and then also the healing piece. I mean, yeah, there's nothing better that you can do for your dating life than to listen to this podcast that all the things we just said and just say, you know, suffering that's not transformed is transmitted.
And so to really have your heart, you know, sister Miriam, you know, if you to really have your heart and you, no one's ever going to be perfect. You're never going to be perfectly healed. You're never going to be able to wrap a bow around your neck and be like, done, done. Like there's no such thing as that.
And I wish there was dang, do I ever, but that's kind of where it's at is it's like, man, I am growing, I am moving, I am pursuing, you know, it's just, there's so many good words. Um, and then you see who runs alongside you in that, um, that's where a lot of really great dating relationships come from. Um, but yeah, brokenness, when you, when you're just trying to find someone to mask your brokenness or to fill, fill you up or to fill an insecurity or to affirm you or to make, make them your God and make them your savior and make them your everything.
Like you will crush that person under the weight of it and you will always be disappointed. Like they cannot be that for you. So I mean, that's my greatest dating advice is I, I played that game for years. Um, and it wasn't until, you know, I really found the Lord and found my friends, my good girlfriends that I could trust and found good guy friends that I could trust, that I actually thought about the fact that I was using men, um, to really try to pacify in me and try to build my worth and try to find my worth and what they thought of me.
But that all changed when I started really putting my life together and, and again, knowing I'm a gift. Starting to give my life away as a gift and having grit and having virtue and having love for others and not just myself That all of a sudden my good guy friend group What one guy just started kept sticking out kept sticking out kept sticking out after years of friendship And it was like, shoot, dang, I think we should date.
Um, so, so I think that that's my best advice is, you know, it's all in the book and it's all an emotional virtue. Cause I mean, you gotta put it somewhere in writing because we talk too fast, but I just think that it's one of those things that, you know, it's not always about finding the perfect person.
It's about this whole idea of gift and grit. Maybe I echo everything she said. You gotta know who you are and know where you're running and find people that are running with you. And get to know lots of people. So in terms of like going on a date or getting to know people, yes, yes, yes. But as you enter into a relationship, Especially when you're getting a good idea of who this person is, their character, their faith, etc.
Where are they running? You know, what's life all about for them? Don't stay in that relationship if you could not see yourself marrying that person, right? You date to find out if it's that person. Like, you don't know that. Are they the kind of person that she would want to end up with? Uh, if you can't say yes to that, then you're just dating heartache.
It's not going to, it's not going to go anywhere. Good. And you're better off just not wasting your time or theirs or theirs. So I mean, date with a purpose. And also, like, you don't know who else is around, I mean, who else is around the corner or who, I mean, it just, it's, life is too short to kind of play games and to just date for merely like my own, for fun, my own excitement, my own emotional gratification, what have you.
I mean, like, like there's, that's, that's a part of it. But like, as you enter into a relationship, a committed relationship, are they the kind of person that you want to run with and are they the kind of person that you want to raise your kids? Um, that's really, it's easy to neglect that question. You have to think about that.
And when it's just the two of you, it's like, Oh, we get along. But okay. Imagine them forming your kids. Like, is that, is that what you want? We always kind of one of the nail in the coffin questions that we've had, cause we've counseled, you know, couples for years, especially like dating and engaged couples or, you know, people who are like, ah, something's off or whatever, you know, like they're, they're bringing us something, you know, about a relationship.
One of the things that we say to them is, okay, you're married. You guys get married. You're married 10 years. You have three little kids. You die. Are you okay with yours? Are you okay with this person raising your kids? Like, do you think that that would, they would be able to do what you guys want to do?
Because I think a lot of people walk into relationships like, Oh, well, I'll change them. It's fine. Or, oh, I'll just, I'll carry the relationship. It's fine. You know, like, they're good enough. I will just fill in all those gaps. Like, it's fine. Like, I will, I will just take care of all of that. And I think when you kind of ask that question of like, I'm really trusting this person not, not only with my life, but with the life of my children.
Is this the kind of person that we, that I want to have raised my kids even if I wasn't there? Um, I think that's kind of one of those, like, whaa kay, I'm gonna go take that and think about that and pray about that for a minute, cause you see it in their eyes, you know, and, and last thing, cause I know we got, I know we're up against the time, but like, okay.
Everybody out there problems that you have in dating and engagement do not go away when you get married. They are magnified And so it's really good if you're in a relationship right now, and you're like man, like I just don't know and nobody's perfect So everybody take that, you know and set that aside Everybody has wounds.
Everyone has baggage. Everyone has you know, things that they're not good at no one is completely selfless You know, you're gonna have your moments But it's a really, really, really dangerous thing to say things like, I'll just change them. It's fine. I can work with this. It's not going to be a problem later.
Let's not bring it up. Let's not rock the boat. Let's not, you know, I have 500 invitations and address in my closet, so we're just going to move forward with this because in our world, it's a lot easier, a lot easier to get divorced than it is to call off a wedding. And there's so much pressure on, on our people that are dating to be like, Oh my gosh, I got this right.
And there's no one else is ever going to date me. I can't break up with them. I can't start over. And they, they, they, a lot of people we've counseled, they saw warning signs. They knew that they should have said something. They, they wanted to bring it up, but they didn't. And it just. Followed them into their marriage and it doesn't get, it does not go away.
And so that's just our word of love out there for everybody who's in a relationship, like no relationships. Perfect. But do not be afraid to bring up tough stuff and don't be afraid to bring up your past or your baggage or your wounds, you know, to someone that you're engaged to. Or, you know, if you're seriously dating, I think a lot of people are like, I just don't want them to know.
And it's like, well, they're going to find out eventually, you know? And so to really be able to have. If you trust them, if you're in a safe spot, if you've been dating, you know, I'm not, I'm not rushing anyone into those conversations, but promise me you have them before you get married. You know what I mean?
Like I think that's so important and the world doesn't talk about that. The world just says, put on a great face, make it look good. You know what I mean? And that's. It's just not, that's not the formula for, for success in your marriage. Yeah. As long as you have a good Instagram, you go on nice vacations and that you have a successful marriage and family and whatever, but no, it's nothing to be afraid from the truth.
I, uh, the, uh, shoe company Zappos, one of the things that they do when they hire people is they actually incentivize them to quit. They, they literally put money on the table and say like, you can walk away with thousands of dollars if you quit. Because they're looking for the people who are really dedicated.
I wonder if we should start monetizing, incentivizing, like breaking off like marriages so that, yeah, this whole divorce option doesn't seem so attractive. Because I think so often, yeah, we lose. The game in the draft, and we need to turn that around. And so I know it's probably discouraging for some people listening because it's so hard to find like a decent person, let alone like a good heroic person.
Um, but they are out there and we meet them all the time, right? And they're just not connecting and we need to connect them. So I know we're all working on that, but I could spend forever with you to your, your gems. I just love speaking with you. If people want to pick up the book, I say like, I know how discouraging what we are saying sounds because I think that, um, I think a lot of people have lost hope, and I think what I just want them to hear both of us say, and you say, is Please do not despair.
Please do not give up hope. Please do not settle. Um, I mean, like we want you to be happy. We want you to be fully alive. We want you all those things. Um, but I, I don't want, I don't want people to think that we're saying, Oh, it's so easy, you know, like, Oh, it's so, it's so easy. Just do it. No, like everything we are saying is so hard, but it's worth it.
And I think that that's, I think that's what I really want people to hear is, you know, we're not saying that, no, this is just magically going to happen. What's wrong with you. That's the farthest thing from the truth. It's actually, this is one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but it's actually one of the things that's going to bring you the most happiness and freedom.
Um, and it's, yeah, it's hard, but like we're cheering you on and to find friends that will walk this with you is it's just priceless. And I'd say, what's the alternative. Like, do you really want the alternative or do you want to just give us fair shake and go after it and see what happens? Amen. Yeah. And the book, yeah, gift and grit.
We have a website, the Swaffords. com, um, and you can find the book and some other, you know, other books that we've written there. And we love signing books for people and like putting their name on it, writing them a note. Um, I always get like in the note sections, like my name is Brittany. Give me all the encouragement, you know, it's like Brittany, you know, so I don't know whoever it, I love it when you guys tell us who you are and so we can sign your name and be like, You've got this like you can do this and so we love that and so that's where you can find us and We're just praying for everyone and we're so proud of everyone.
Please hear us say that we're so proud of you Just for all all that you're doing just being a human is hard And so know how proud of you are where they're cheering and we're definitely cheering for you beautiful. So good Thank you both for coming on this show since Yeah, I just want to give you like 30 final seconds to give us the final word, final encouragement advice.
And if you could, I know in the book you have a whole chapter on like healing. And uh, so many people listening right now are just struggling with healing. They don't know where to begin. I know you guys talk about that more deeply in the book, but if you were on an elevator with someone for 30 seconds, what's like one thing you would tell them to close out the show?
Gosh, I don't know if it's elevator or not, but you mentioned sin and woundedness, and I think that's, that's exactly right. So our, our sin brings us to our own chains and enslaves us, but then on that it's compounded with shame. It's like I can't go back. I, I, you know, and so just that's a lie from the devil.
Um, be patient with yourself, be patient with your life. Um, just start taking small steps. And you'll just, amazing things will happen over time, but be patient. Be patient with yourself, your own advice, your own words. It's okay. We're all, we're all seasick and we're all on the same journey. So God bless you all.
And, uh, as Sarah said, super proud of you all for fighting the fight. That's what it's about. It's about fighting the fight. Surrender the outcome, but fight the fight.
such good content, love talking with the swafford. And if you want more from them, if you wanna get their book for example, uh, you can just click on the link in the show notes. And I think if I understood it right, if you order through the link in the show notes, uh, you'll get a personalized note from them with the book.
I don't know if that applies if you order from Amazon, for example, but just go ahead and click the link in the show notes if you want their book. And like I mentioned at the top of the show, if you want to help us grow this podcast to build better resources and help more young people from divorced and broken families to break the cycle, my team and I would love to partner with you.
We have a donor who has offered generously a 50, 000 matching gift. And so we're working to, to match that gift. And so if you feel called, just click on the links and the show notes, you could either schedule a time with me to hear more about our plans for the future and what you'd be investing in, or if you don't have time for that, but you still have benefited from the show and you want to help us.
Go out even further. Uh, feel free to just donate through the links in the show notes. I'm honored to have you partner with us, and I'd love to share more with you in the future. That wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's from a broken family, maybe they're really struggling because of their parents divorce, share this podcast with them.
I promise you, they will be super grateful. And in closing, always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction, divorce, and your own life. And keep in mind the words of CS Lewis, who said. You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.
