Something Has Been Taken From Me

4 minute read

The story below is from Marissa, written at 29 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 20 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

I grew up in a home where I never really saw my parents express love to each other. There was a lot of fighting and hiding things from each other but I still never thought my parents would divorce.

When I was a freshman in college my mom called to tell me that my dad moved out. The whole process was kept quiet from me and my brothers. We never even were told the day they actually got divorced.

I did not think it affected me. I thought it was better. Both of my parents seemed happier. I went down a path of self destruction in college. For two years I spent almost every night intoxicated in some way. I was very promiscuous and detached any intimacy or real love from my friendships and relationships. So many wounds in my sexuality were caused then.

I went to confession one day after spending less time with my “friends” and more time with a virtuous friend who respected me - he’s now my husband. In confession, the priest told me I am behaving as though I feel something has been taken from me. He did not know my parents were divorced. The phrase “taken from me” resonated on every level.

I spent time in confession over the next year, I went to a theology of the body camp, I started dating my husband and finding authentic relationships. I started a deep prayer life of healing with our Lord.

We are married for 4 years and have two little girls. Only through God’s grace is my sexuality redeemed and my relationship with my mom and dad strengthened.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

I realized after two years that I felt that something had been taken from me.

I felt that my dad was taken from me when he started seriously dating his new wife.

I felt that my mom had taken information and closure on the divorce from me by not telling me the details.

I felt that my childhood was taken from me because all of our family traditions did not exist anymore.

I felt that my faith had been taken in many ways because my family growing up helped shape my faith and now my family was not the same.

I finally had to realize that God had so much more to give me than anything that had been taken from me.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

It’s affected my ability to trust and receive intimacy (emotional and physical). I did not work through the divorce during it happening, so I was wounded in many ways but primarily in my sexuality. So much of my healing has been in restoring my femininity and receptivity.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

Don’t be afraid to ask your parents questions. If you have siblings, don’t be afraid to ask them how they are doing.

It’s okay to use the word “divorce” when talking to your family. You can still be a family by listening to one another.

Make sure to surround yourself with virtuous people and seek out authentic relationships. Hang out with people that you admire.

• Speak to God the Father. Listen to him call you his child.

• Hold the hand of Our Mother and don’t let it go.

• Pray for healing.

• Read about Theology of the Body.

• Tell your Mom and Dad that you still need to be their child.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

More content that uses the word "divorce.” Easier and more mainstream resources that talk about relationships and divorce.

Youth ministry resources sent to diocese and parishes. Partnerships with big conferences to host breakout sessions on the topic.

A family home ministry where young adults are invited to a married family’s home to share a meal, pray, hang out, and just be in relationship with a virtuous married family. Give them the encounter of a holy, loving, authentic relationship.

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Why Wasn't I Able to Have a Normal Family?

2 minute read

This story was written by an anonymous author at 24 years old. His parents divorced when he was 2 years old. He gave permission for his story to be shared.

HIS STORY

They divorced when I was two. This of course hurt, but the pain was intensified by my father divorcing my stepmother after I got to know her for 7+ years.

Then, my mother separated from a boyfriend she had been with for over ten years who I had become very familiar with, enough to call my stepfather.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

At first sad. I couldn't understand why I wasn't able to have a normal family. The separations after that are when I really started to self-destruct and develop some seriously toxic behaviors.

HOW HIS PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HIM

It has caused me to have an absolute terror of intimacy with both friendships and especially anything romantic. I distrust most people and tend to believe everyone has a secret intention to manipulate me or hurt me in some way.

I have grown up with an extreme sense of emotional loneliness due to me not allowing anyone to know anything about me. I based most of my life until right now, at the age of 24, on doing anything I could to make my father happy. He's the one that physically moved somewhere else after the divorce, even though I saw him every weekend almost during my childhood.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

• Don't ever allow someone to tell you that it's normal for a family to separate

• Avoid shoving feelings aside

• Seek counseling

• Tell your parents how it makes you feel

• Don't be scared to tell friends how you feel

• Don't attempt to give a positive light to the divorce

It will blow up eventually, whether in a few days or ten years. You'll have to deal with it sometime, and I think it would have been easier for me had I not tried to rationalize the divorce.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

Counseling services. To be clear, I don't mean prescribed medication for depression, but rather a specialized counselor who can help a person deal with all the pain that comes from your parents divorcing and broken families.

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Seeing My Family Fall Apart Was a Very Real Loss

5 minute read

The story below is from Erin, written at 25 years old. Her parents separated when she was 16 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

For as long as I can remember, my parents had a pretty rocky marriage. My mom has Multiple Sclerosis, which made things more difficult as well. They fought frequently and some of the fights were pretty bad.

During the fall of my junior year of high school, a couple of months after my sister left for college, they had a bad fight, which ended when my mom told my dad to get out. He moved in with his brother for a few weeks and then moved into an apartment. Their legal separation began a few months after that.

HOW THE SEPARATION MADE HER FEEL

Their separation made me feel confused, guilty, and very lonely. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was also grieving - having my intact family fall apart was a very real loss.

During some of their particularly bad fights, I would sometimes wish they would split up because those fights were extremely scary and terrible to hear and see. After they actually did split up, I felt so guilty for wishing that, because the separation is even worse.

I was confused because I was upset that they separated, yet very few adults in my life checked to see how I was doing and some that did acted like it was normal. My guess is they were trying to downplay it to make me feel better, but it just made me wonder if there was something wrong with me that I was feeling so much about it. That also played into the loneliness I felt.

My parents, while they did their best to check on me, were dealing with their own issues and emotions, and my sister was away at college, so I felt very lonely, especially since all of my closest friends' parents were still married. I felt that, because everyone was treating it as such a normal thing, I had to pretend everything was normal and fine, so I buried those feelings.

I also felt that I had to take care of my parents and keep them happy because they were suffering, so I buried my feelings further so I could be there for them.

I started to struggle with depression, but felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about it, so that continued to get worse, until my grandma passed away during my senior year. The grief I felt from losing my grandma caused all the emotions I had suppressed to come to the surface.

My depression worsened to the point of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Luckily, one of my friends and a couple of my teachers noticed and encouraged me to go talk to someone. I was able to begin talking through all the grief and emotion I was feeling.

HOW HER PARENTS' SEPARATION HAS IMPACTED HER

Even though it's been almost 10 years since my parents separated, I do sometimes feel the effects of it.

I still have some trouble standing up for myself and saying no because I feel like I need to make people happy so they won't stop loving me or leave me. I know that my parents love me and didn't leave me when they separated, but it's hard to trust that people won't leave you when you've seen it happen with your parents.

I've had trouble in relationships because I don't trust that a guy will stay if I make a mistake or we disagree about something.

I still struggle sometimes with feelings of guilt, especially around the holidays when I know one parent will be alone.

The other thing I've noticed is that I hear some women talk about how they are a daughter of God and how wonderful it is to know that part of their identity. I struggle with that. I spent so much time, even before the separation, trying to take care of my parents and taking on more of an adult role that I don't know how to understand that part of my identity.

However, I can say that, through the grace of God and with counseling and prayer, I am no longer depressed and am starting to heal some of these wounds. So know that there is hope!

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

My biggest advice would be to take the time and space you need to grieve. Find a counselor, a spiritual director, and some friends you can talk to about how you are feeling.

Take the time to sit and write down your story. It wasn't until I wrote my answers for the Primal Loss book that I realized how much my parents' separation impacted me. It really shows you a lot of the feelings and fears you've been avoiding.

Most of all, take what you are feeling to the Jesus. I spent a lot of time in chapels and in Adoration, letting myself cry and giving it all to Him. That's been a huge part of my healing.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

I think the pain and grief of teens and young adults needs to be acknowledged. When someone's parents split up, counselors and other support options should be made available. Most churches have support groups and programs for separated or divorced couples, but I don't know of any churches that have anything for the children, young or grown.

I would also like to see secular support groups (similar to AA or grief groups) for children of divorce.

I'd just like for the assumption that "children are resilient" to stop. Yes, children are resilient, but only to a certain extent. We still need support and healing and not to be brushed aside just because divorce is so common.

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I Am So Lost and Hurt

2 minute read

The story below is from an anonymous author, written at 19 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

Because I was so young I didn’t and still don’t know the main cause of my parents’ divorce other than the fact that they “didn’t get along anymore.”

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

Awful, broken, unwanted, afraid, stressed, and angry.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

My stepmother has emotionally abused me throughout the past 10 years that she and my dad have been together. She takes advantage of my dad, makes him chose her over me and my little brother ever since I can remember.

She drove me and my brother out of our own dad’s life and spoils our stepbrother endlessly. Ever since I can remember she has gone out of her way to push me down and make me feel like me and my brother are dirt.

I’m in college and dread coming home but still want to see my mom and dad. But every time I come home my stepmom does something that triggers all the other awful things she’s done to me and I break into a million pieces. I also realized over Christmas that she is a functioning alcoholic which plays into why she would freak out on me.

My dad has more money than my mom and is paying for my college so I am stuck having to be involved with them. My dad also holds a big name in our town and if I speak out about it, I will ruin the picture-perfect family they try to portray...

I am so lost and hurt I feel I will never be okay. There’s so much more I could say about how this has hurt and impacted my life.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

Obligated therapy for the kids with the parents. A bigger platform for kids of divorce to feel like they aren’t alone...

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Watching Your Family Die

The story below is from an anonymous author, written at 21 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

I don’t know exactly why my parents chose to separate and pursue divorce. They have never seemed to get along super well, but as a child, I failed to realize the depth of the issues that were going on.

My mom planned to be with another man years before I was born, but somehow changed her mind. After I was born, she packed my brother and me in the car and threatened to leave my dad unless he did what she wanted. This happened on several occasions.

My parents never slept in the same room when I was growing up. I can remember telling them they should go to dinner together when I was younger, but they would almost always decline, saying that they didn’t want to leave me and my brother alone (my brother is two-and-a-half years older than me). When they did spend time together, they would return from their outing irritable. My mother would go to her room and my dad would go into his office and work (he worked from home).

Their fighting used to make me upset and insecure as a kid, but when they converted to Catholicism, I thought they would be together forever since the Church does not support divorce. I failed to realize the difference between divorce and separation, however.

I also failed to fully realize that my parents were human and therefore not perfect. More recently, family issues have escalated. These have resulted in my dad pursuing legal separation or divorce – whichever is cheaper.

My brother recently overheard a phone conversation my mom had in which she expressed plans to be intimate with the man on the phone, but said she couldn’t because she already made plans to be intimate with a different man (and it’s not my dad). I am sure this has not helped her relationship with my dad.

My parents are still separated, but have not actually moved apart yet. They live separated under the same roof. Yes, it is as miserable as it sounds.

HOW THE SEPARATION MADE HER FEEL

When my mom told me she and my dad were separated, I can’t even describe how horrible I felt. It was like my world was falling apart in a thousand ways, like my image of family being forever was a lie, like even my faith was somehow flawed. After all, they were Catholic! Separation led to divorce, and divorce wasn’t a thing.

I wondered how God could have let this happen, and I wondered what was going to happen to me. I was looking at colleges at the time and had planned to go to school close to home so that I could commute. Where would I be living now? Would I have to go back and forth between my mom and dad? Or was I old enough to decide for myself? I had a horrible knot in my stomach that has never really left.

I remember how I felt when I went to bed that evening. My world was shattered and my heart was broken, but maybe it was just a bad dream. When I woke up the next morning, the memories of the previous evening washed over me. I felt hopeless, miserable, abandoned by God, and terribly alone, like someone had removed me from my home and left me in the middle of nowhere with no supplies and only the assurance that I would figure it out. I remember the feeling so acutely because every morning since then I have felt that way to some degree.

HOW HER PARENTS' SEPARATION HAS IMPACTED HER

My parents’ separation has impacted me in a multitude of ways, some of which I am still working to identify.

I blamed and still blame myself for the separation, largely because I was told it was my fault. This has led me to struggle with really disliking myself.

I don’t trust people and I don’t trust God. After all, if my own parents couldn’t be trusted, how can I trust other people? And if parents are spiteful, how do I know that God the Father isn’t more of a Zeus-like god, striking me with a spiritual lightning bolt when I step out of line?

I struggle in all of my relationships because of my lack of trust, and I can’t even imagine being in a romantic relationship. Marriage seems to frequently end in misery, and even though I know this is not true all the time, I still struggle with feeling that it is not worth it.

Parents (or at least my parents) comfort themselves with the thought that their kids are resilient and will be just fine, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that our worlds are destroyed by the dissolution of our parents’ marriage.

I struggle on a nearly daily basis with suicidal thoughts, and though I have never attempted it, I have come very close. Sometimes, the family tensions are so enormous that the only means I have of dealing with them is cutting. It is a terrible coping skill that I would not recommend to anyone. Please, if you are reading this and thinking of using self-harm as a coping skill, do not do it!

Family problems are intense, horrible, destructive, and can make you feel utterly miserable. Talk to someone. Go for a walk or a run. Listen to music. Pray. You are strong and you will get through this. Don’t give in and don’t give up.

Despite the negative changes, my parents’ separation has also changed me in positive ways.

I am far more independent now. I am closer to my extended family than I was before (I have lived with all of my local extended family at some point since the separation). I can empathize with people who are struggling because of their parents’ divorce/separation. Almost all of my friends at college come from broken families, so the benefits of being able to empathize should not be overlooked.

Even though I struggle with my faith more now, I also think I am closer to it. My self-harm habit has put me in the confessional a ridiculous number of times (I have most definitely found myself saying, “forgive me Father for I have sinned, it’s been a day-and-a-half since my last confession”), but this has also allowed me to encounter the love and mercy of Christ. No matter how many times I fall, He is there to forgive me and pull me back on my feet.

My parents’ separation has led me to view life differently, to realize that even seemingly perfect families have their demons, and to understand just how difficult parenthood and family life are.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

It is so hard to give advice for this situation.

I guess I would start first with this: God loves you. I know it sounds cheesy and unhelpful, but it’s true. Nothing can separate you from the love of God. Your parents might not seem to care about you while they wage war against each other; God cares. Maybe one of your parents is leaving you; God will never leave you. Draw close to Him. Tell Him how you feel. If you can’t trust anyone else, trust Him.

I love the song “Stars” by Skillet because it talks about everything God created, how He holds the stars in place, how He tells the oceans how to form, and how despite all of these majestic things He created, He also holds and knows your heart and calls you by name. You are just as majestic as the heavens and the seas to Him.

Second: it’s not your fault. Maybe your parents told you it’s your fault, so you blame yourself. Maybe they didn’t, but you think that if you just hadn’t acted out that one time (or all those times). Or if you had done what your mom or dad told you to do the first time. Or if you had done your chores. Or if you had been a perfect son/daughter. Then your parents wouldn’t have split. It doesn’t matter. Your parents made a vow to each other and to God, and they were to stay true to those vows, no matter what happened. Nothing you have done can change that.

Third: reach out to someone. Maybe you are comfortable talking to someone you know well, or maybe you are afraid of what a friend might think and you would rather talk to someone you don’t know well. Maybe you want to talk to a counselor. Whoever it is, just PLEASE reach out.

The thoughts and feelings that stem from your parents’ marriage dissolving are powerful, overwhelming, and too much to keep locked in your own head. I know it hurts. I know you don’t want to talk about it. But you will most likely find that talking will help. It helps even more to talk to someone who experienced divorce and/or separation as a kid themselves.

Fourth: it’s okay to not be okay. I think people try to console children of divorce/separation with comments like “at least there isn’t abuse,” “at least you know your parents love you,” “there won’t be as much fighting now,” or “it will get better.” Even worse, you might have been told that you need to get over it, that it has been long enough that you should be over it, or that your parents weren’t happily married and so the destruction of their marriage was necessary since everyone deserves to be happy.

When I found out my mom was cheating on my dad, two people told me “I know you are upset, but your mom is cheating on your dad, not on you.” Though well-intentioned, that comment did not help at all. When a loved one passes away, it is expected for you to mourn. Why shouldn’t it be the same when you are watching your family die? Your world is being shaken. You are the physical manifestation of your parents’ vocation and love for one another. It is understandable that you feel upset, broken, and just not okay.

Fifth and lastly: try to be gentle with your parents. I know they are the source of your pain. I know they are difficult. I know they try to make you choose sides, and then get upset when/if you do. I know they act more like a child than you. I know that the parent-child role is reversed and you feel like it is your job to be the parent to your squabbling, toddler-like parents.

My grandmother called me one day and asked me to physically check on my mother, or to have my dad do it, as she was worried my mother was a risk to herself. My dad thought it wasn’t serious, so I had to drive over to my parents’ place (as I mentioned previously, they were and are separated, but living in the same house). She was fine and very condescending about my concern for her.

It is hard in these moments to gentle, kind, and merciful to our parents when we really just want to throw things and scream. But we are called to honor our parents (when they are acting reasonable) and to love and forgive always.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

I don't know what specifically needs to be done, but teens and young adults from divorced and separated families need to know that someone cares about them. There are so many support groups out there for spouses who are divorcing/separating, but almost nothing for the kids. These teens and young adults need support too. I am not sure what form that support needs to take, however.

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I Just Want to Feel Healed

The story below is from an anonymous author, written at 25 years old. He gave permission for this story to be told.

HIS STORY

My parents were always arguing when I was younger and I think my dad had another woman. He moved to a different city and then my mum followed. Mum has Alzheimer's now so I don't know her version of events but my dad said they became just like friends which I take to mean he was unhappy with their sex life.

I used to blame my dad for everything but now I realise there were two adults involved. Mum could be extremely stubborn and just did things her way. Dad is very unstable and mentally ill.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

For years I suppressed it especially as my dad had two further divorces and my mum got dementia when I was 16. It was normal at school, even though it was Catholic, and nobody cared. All people care about is the adults having 'freedom of choice'. I feel sad, lonely and disparate, like I have two irreconcilable sides to my personality. I just want to feel healed but I am carrying around all of these wounds and scars.

I really liked where we were originally and my whole life was totally uprooted because of my parents' inability to love one another. Looking back now I feel like they failed me and can't help but feel that if they loved me more then they would've stayed together. Why weren't me and my siblings good enough?

HOW HIS PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HIM

From 17-24 I slept around, did drugs, drank, smoked and treated women like sexual objects. My dad was a womanizer so I just followed suit. I hated God and was angry. I had this constant feeling of melancholia and I never understood why. I suppressed it and told myself I was stupid and a baby. I hated myself and still do sometimes.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

Don't let people tell you to be grateful that you have two sets of Christmas presents or that it's “normal.” Don't listen to the lies. Allow yourself to be sad because you need healing. Reject the culture around divorce. Lies everywhere we look. Finally, don't blame yourself even though that's the easy thing to do.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

The Catholic Church needs to be more proactive about it and stop focusing their attention on trying to give communion to the divorced and remarried. There ought to be greater understanding about the hurt it causes and how we can overcome it. It's such an overwhelming problem I think the Church is scared to tackle it head on through fear it will offend people and drive them away but the children come first.

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I Felt Incredibly Betrayed

The story below is from Ashlyn, written at 26 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

I was 24 when my parents finally divorced after years of infidelity, countless arguments that ended yelling at each other long into the night, and many other lies and wounds. I grew up in a large Christian family. We always attended church together and my family was the "staple" Christian family at said church gatherings. But as long as I can remember my parents argued. My parents were angry with each other and there was a lot of dishonesty in their relationship and eventually, it led to their divorce.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

The divorce was incredibly difficult at first, and still is at times. I was a young adult already on my own when it happened, but I had an unshakable feeling of shame and embarrassment of my family. I often questioned myself and would ask questions like; "Am I like my parents? Am I a product of a broken divorced family? Am I guilty for this?" I felt incredibly betrayed by God, my parents, and even other family members. I was always taught that marriage is forever and that you do not break the vows you made at the altar, so when I saw my parents doing this it almost destroyed everything I ever understood or knew about marriage and family.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

My parents’ divorce has impacted me as an adult substantially because I still have young siblings at home. I often felt like I had to step up and keep the peace between my parents for the sake of my younger siblings. I felt like I had to take care of them which caused me to ignore my own feelings and my own experience of the divorce for a long time. I also have shame and embarrassment when I talk about my parents’ divorce because I am Catholic and Catholics aren't supposed to get divorced.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCEd OR SEPARATED

Develop your relationship with Jesus and allow yourself to experience all the feelings that come with the situation.

Additionally, I would encourage you to set boundaries with your parents. I often found myself in the middle of my parent's arguments growing up which caused a great deal of confusion and harm to me. When I finally told my parents I was not going to participate or talk poorly about the other parent I found a lot of freedom and was able to move on the way I needed to.

Seek counseling and spiritual direction.

Do not allow your parents’ divorce cloud your view of marriage and family.

Share your story honestly. When I finally started sharing my story with others I realized I was not alone and that my story was not shameful or my fault. That is when I started to receive the most healing.

Take care of yourself. You have the freedom to change your situation. I am in the process of trying to change mine by moving out of the state where my parents reside. I have realized that I am not responsible for my parents and that it is not my duty to keep the family together.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

Better counseling and better services within the Catholic Church. Many of us feel shame because the Catholic Church doesn't do a good job of providing ministries or support groups. It is not discussed in a manner that is helpful.

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I Am More Than My Pain

The story below is from an anonymous author, written at 22 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

I had a great childhood, very happy! When I was about 10, my dad got an apartment for work, or that’s what they told us kids. They separated for a brief period of time and got back together and had my little sister in the process. After that, to me, their relationship was never quite the same.

As I got into high school, I battled heavily with depression and loneliness my first year. It got so bad that I had to switch high schools midway through my sophomore year. My Sweet Sixteen was about two months after I switched. It was anything but sweet. My mom was the only one who celebrated it with me saying my dad was at “work”. That next week, I came home from Youth Group and almost instinctively knew what was going to happen.

Usually, I’d get home and my parents would be fighting, instead there was silence. They asked me if we could talk in their room. This wasn’t a good sign because they were together, not fighting for the first time in weeks. That’s how I knew. They told me how much they loved me and that they were getting a divorce. I broke down, my dad already was living in an apartment and I didn’t even pick up on it. I was the oldest of the four of us so they told me first and then my siblings after me. I walked out of the room crying and then my brother knew what was coming too. My life was impacted in every way from that point on.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

The divorce made me feel unlovable because if my parents weren’t willing to fight for each other, they definitely weren’t willing to fight for me. There was so much extra drama that was happening around it as well that I just felt drained. I remember asking my mom what happened and she said, “We just fell out of love” and I remember thinking “You don’t fall out of true, authentic love so it must not have been love to being with” which I later translated as one or both of them made the CHOICE not to love anymore.

The day after they told us, there was a Reconciliation service at my high school and I went to Confession with one of my great Priest friends. I broke down in front of him, like ugly crying! It was such a release! The bad part is they spread the priest out around the gym since they didn’t have room, so people saw me, but I finally got to tell someone who wouldn’t feel sorry for me. Once I started telling friends, they all just said: “I’m sorry, I understand”. I wanted to stop feeling like the victim and I wanted it to stop being the sole topic of conversation!

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

As an adult now, SO much healing has taken place! Our Lord is so good and so loving and He met me in my mess!

About a year ago, I was talking to my mom about how I was discerning my vocation. You don’t know your vocation until you’re at the altar, but at this point in my life, I believe I’m called to marriage. Anyway, I was talking to my mom and I said, “I’m so scared to get married because I can’t go through divorce again.” There was a brief pause in the phone and she said something that will impact me the rest of my life: “Maybe that’s why God called you to marriage, because you’re scared, because it will make you holy. Marriage may be the very thing that makes you a saint!” Mind. Blown.

Ever since that moment, a lot of healing has taken place and, even though both of my parents are dating now, both of them (my dad did not regularly attend) are now attending Mass regularly which wasn’t a thing that was happening even a year ago. I really want my parents to get an annulment because, in the eyes of the Church, they are still married and should not be receiving Communion since they are both in relationships, but I’m taking baby steps to get to that point. My parents divorce will always impact me, but it’s something where God took ashes of my life and made them into diamonds.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCEd OR SEPARATED

Here’s the very first thing you need to know: It’s NOT your fault, no matter how many times your tell yourself it is, it’s not! Satan, the Father of Lies, will work as hard as he can to make you believe that it is.

Secondly, YOU are loved, you are SO loved, it is unbelievable how loved you are! There’s gonna be people that tell you things like “I’m sorry” or “I understand.” Honestly, that was the thing I hated the most because they actually don’t unless their own parents got divorced.

I would say just find a community, like this one to talk about it. It is such a release to just get all of your feelings out. I wrote letters and burned them as well and that helped, but I think the thing that helped the most was spending time with the Lord in Eucharistic Adoration as much as I could. I would go everyday between the time I got dropped off for school and the time that the bus came since my bus stop was at my siblings school/church. It gave me such healing because I could rest in the Arms of a Father who would never leave me. I started praying a daily Rosary and also rested in the Heart of my Heavenly Mother. It helped so much to know that I was more than my pain, more than my cross, more than my sin because I was His daughter! Know that you are infinitely loved by our father in Heaven!

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

Well, first off, I think that this community is a GREAT start. If I had known about it, I would definitely have utilized it at the time. I think that kids need to not be made to feel like victims. Kids need to know that they have peers their own age who actually DO understand. Also, I think that there needs to be an understanding that parents are not going to put their kids in the middle because that makes it worse. I think that talking with a priest needs to be immediately available because they can help so much just to make sense of all of it. My priest friend had parents who divorced when he was a teen as well and it was so nice to have someone who understood where I was coming from!

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Family Always Has Felt Dangerous and Unpredictable

The story below is from an anonymous author that we’ll call Jennifer, written at 26 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

My first memory related to my parents' divorce took place in the summer after my fourth grade year. I was in the car with my mom and two of her cousins, who she had always been close with. We were driving through a part of town that was unfamiliar to me until we finally pulled up along the sidewalk outside of a small office building, and the car came to a halt. My mom turned to her cousins and said, "I have to do this," got out of the car, and walked into the building. I had no idea where we were, what was in the building, or what she "had to do." I later learned that the building was the leasing office for an apartment complex in a suburb about 20 minutes from my childhood home. I didn't know this until much later, but my mom had been seeking employment, and also a new place for us to live. 

A few months later after I had started fifth grade, my mom picked me up from school and said she had something she wanted to show me. We drove for a while and arrived at a small townhouse. My mom took me inside and showed me all the rooms. I remember lots of white walls and blankness. She showed me the room that was to be mine. It was much larger than my bedroom at home and this excited me. It even had its own bathroom! But I had a sinking feeling about it all. "Are we moving here with dad?" I asked my mom when we got back in the car. "No," she told me, "we would be moving here without dad." 

We celebrated our last Christmas as a family and my mom and I moved into the townhouse right after the new year. My dad continued living in our old home and I visited him on the weekends. Not long after the divorce, my dad began dating someone. His girlfriend lived an hour away and we soon found ourselves spending the weekends at her house rather than his. I hated the back and forth of custody, hated spending my weekends an hour from my home, my mom, and my friends, in what was essentially the house of a stranger. But I began to hate it all even more during my seventh grade year when my dad and his girlfriend bought a house an hour away from my hometown. 

I still visited every weekend - Thursdays meant packing my suitcase, Fridays meant dad would pick me up from school and take me against my will to the new house. Saturdays - the day that most people look forward to - were my least favorite day of the week for my entire adolescence, because they meant both waking up and going to sleep away from home. Sundays meant counting down the hours, all day long. I remember getting to my dad's house on Friday nights, going straight to my room, looking at the clock beside my bed, counting how many hours I had to kill before I would be home again. This went on roughly until college. 

My parents had what society would call a "good divorce." They were civil to each other, able to communicate about issues and logistics involving me, and I always knew they both loved me very much. They both attended my milestones and celebrations and I never had to worry about either of them making a scene if they were in the same room together. But even with all those things working in my favor, it was still difficult and unpleasant, and created lasting effects that I notice in myself to this day.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

During my teen years, in the height of it all, I remember thinking I was unaffected. I had heard about children who had not adjusted well to divorce and were in therapy or noticed significant changes in their school performance and personality. I wasn't in therapy, my grades didn't change, and I had lots of friends, so I assumed I had gotten through unscathed.

I did, however, struggle with a lot of anxiety, particularly when I was at my dad's house on the weekends. I was unhappy, always waiting to turn 18 so I wouldn't have to feel like cargo anymore. I remember many holidays spent in tears because I didn't want to leave my mom's family to go spend time with my step-family. I remember the feeling that it didn't matter what I wanted, or where I wanted to be, or how I was feeling - if it was time to get picked up or dropped off or transferred from one car to the other, I had to go.

I remember starting middle school and high school and feeling left out when my friends would talk about weekend plans, because I knew I had to travel an hour away and spend my weekends in a place where I knew no one. My friends would talk on Monday morning about the things they had done together over the weekend, and there were lots of times that the divorce had kept me from being able to share those experiences with them.

As I got further into high school, my parents were very understanding about this and worked with me to allow me to spend time with my friends on the weekends, even if that meant spending only half the weekend with my dad rather than the full weekend. I was very grateful for their willingness to be lenient when it came to this.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

As an adult, I feel much safer placing work above family. I now see that this tendency stems directly from the coping mechanisms I used to deal with the divorce during my teenage years. When I had to go to my dad's house on the weekends, I would hide in my homework. If my dad wanted me to come out of my room and spend time with my stepmom or stepsister, or if we had an event to go to with my step-family, I would always say I had homework to do. I would assign myself extra homework or read ahead in my textbooks to avoid engaging with my step-family when I was visiting my dad.

When I turned 17, I got my first job and I always tried to be scheduled on weekends and holidays. Having to work on a Friday night or Saturday meant not having to spend the entire weekend at my dad's. Having to work on Sunday meant getting to come home early. I quickly figured out that being scheduled to work was the only excuse in my life significant enough to get me out of going to my dad's house, so I became very invested in my retail job.

It wasn't until recently that I noticed the pattern. My fiancé is very family oriented and while I like the idea of family, I love the idea of independence. When I began getting intimidated by frequent family gatherings, I caught myself grasping for work events. It was then that I realized I use work to escape family, because family has always felt dangerous and unpredictable and work has always been the one area of my life that I could control, making it the safest.

Also, when I began dating, I noticed myself pursuing men who I perceived to be "safe" over men who I was more interested in or attracted to. My subconscious number one criteria for dating has always been to find someone who does not seem likely to ever end the relationship.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCE OR SEPARATED

I think I would tell them to develop their relationship with God. That was one thing that helped get me through my parents' divorce, and I believe that a large part of the faith I have in my life today is because of that foundation of forming a friendship and trust in God at a time when I was young and vulnerable. I turned to a lot of things to distract myself from my situation during my adolescence (school, music, writing, etc.) but one of the things I turned to was God and my Catholic faith, and I believe that without that early experience of relying upon God when I needed Him most, I might not be the religious person I am today.

I would also tell them to stay close to their siblings, if they have siblings. I do not have siblings, so I navigated the pain and confusion of my parents' divorce completely alone. I wish that weren't the case. I wish I'd had even just one sibling to go through it with, because we could have helped each other. I'd imagine that if I had a brother or sister, we would be so close as adults because of having gotten through that difficult time together.

Finally, I would tell them to try to enjoy their childhood and adolescence even though that may not always be easy. I spent a lot of my time as a teenager complaining because I thought that if I showed my parents how miserable I was, they would fix the situation. What I learned is that when you make yourself miserable, you only hurt yourself and you waste your own time. If I could go back I would probably try to enjoy things a little more, even if they were things I didn't want to do, because if I had allowed myself to be fully present during that time, I might have surprised myself by having meaningful experiences that I would be thankful for today.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

I think there is a shortage of resources directed at young adults from divorced homes. Divorce support focuses on the adults going through the divorce. I think creating a community like Restored and allowing young adults to share their stories can be such a huge help to others going through the same thing. I would love to hear stories from other young adults who dealt with divorce growing up. I would love the opportunity to talk with them, share stories (even sad or painful stories), and be part of a community where adult children of divorce can support each other and help each other heal.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Just Wanted Us to Be a Loving Family

The story below is from an anonymous author that we’ll call Mary, written at 54 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

My parents fought all through my childhood. Alcohol was always the spark that started the fire. If my dad wasn't home by 7pm, we knew he wouldn't be home until well after midnight, and that he'd be drunk. My mom would wait for him, drinking wine and trying to figure out how to get back at him. Sometimes she'd make me call the bar, ask for him, and ask when he's coming home. I hated that.

Other times she'd take us to a motel to make him think we were leaving him. And then some nights her blind rage came out as soon as he got home. Very physical and horrible fights. I was so scared they were going to kill each other and called the police on several occasions. I was told if I kept doing that, we'd end up in foster homes.

One night as I was hiding in my bedroom, I heard a huge crash. She had ripped the new chandelier they had just bought out of the ceiling. It was in a million pieces on the dining room floor. Another time, my mother had a black eye and made me take a picture of her. I was so scared my dad was going to go to jail. Who would provide for us? Why couldn't they just stop fighting?

After I turned 17, my mom talked to me and asked me how I would feel if she divorced my dad. I told her I just wanted the fighting to stop. She took that as a green light, told my dad she wanted a divorce, and that the kids support her. It was horrible.

I felt completely stuck in the middle and felt I had betrayed my father. The worst day of my life was when I visited my dad in his new apartment. I cried for days. He did not want the divorce, but also, he did nothing to save their marriage or to address his alcohol issues. I loved both my parents, I just wanted them to love each other. I wanted us to be a loving family.

How the divorce made her feel

I felt incredibly lonely. I went off to a college where I didn't know anyone, and now I had no home to come back to since they sold our family home. I was truly on my own and had no idea how to handle that.

I never drank in high school because I didn't want to be like my parents. I started drinking in college to numb the pain. After college, I moved to another state, and so did my brother. Watching our parents marry different people was incredibly painful, and we didn't want to be around their "new lives" that didn't involve us. My mom actually wanted me to be her "maid of honor" during her wedding to her new husband, which was two years after the divorce. When I said "No, I can't do that to my dad," she was furious at me.

My dad also later re-married, and twenty-three years later, during his battle with terminal cancer, my stepmother tried to prevent me from seeing him, and insisted he leave his money equally to her and her three children and hated the fact my father was leaving anything to my brother and me. It made a horrible event even more horrible. I fell into deep depression and have never really gotten over it. It still haunts me.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

I have made terrible choices in people I have dated, and the man I married and eventually divorced, an alcoholic and drug addict. It seems I have a need to "fix" people, to no avail. Fortunately, we didn't have children.

I have trust issues, fear of abandonment, terrible self-loathing, depression, and no sense of purpose. No self-confidence at all. I had an abortion, thinking this child is better off not living with me as a mom. I struggled with alcohol issues, and a lack of loyalty to family and friends. I tend to sabotage relationships as protection. I assume they will eventually leave me, so I leave first. It is a terrible pattern.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE divorced

Find someone to talk to, who has gone through it as well. Someone you can trust.

Your parents will tell you this is not your fault, and it isn't. When you think you can't be loved, because you are the combination of two people who can't stand each other, know that it was God who created you. They were only the physical vessels in His plan, and their sin does not define God's love for you. His love is real and will never leave you nor forsake you.

Unite your loneliness with Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, and cling to the Cross! Know you are loved deeply by your Creator, the Creator of the Universe, as best you can. It is the only true, real kind of love that is understandable.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

Form a fellowship for them. A support group. Knowing others are going through the same emotions and experiences helps us feel less crazy, less lonely. Fellowship is key. Just for the children of divorce. The parents can't be involved at all. The children need a safe environment where they can open up with each other. The real problem is they feel they can't speak to anyone, that no one understands nor cares. An older adult child of divorce as a moderator would be a great start. Ask them to write down their stories, share them, and discuss how they can heal and move forward.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

Sea of Confusion

4 minute read.

The story below is from Kendra, written at 23 years old. She gave permission for her story to be told and her real name to be used. 

Her Story

We did an intervention for my dad's alcoholism right before Christmas of my freshman year of high school. I was 14. We thought that it went well, and he agreed that he would go to treatment for his addiction. When we went to visit him for Christmas at the treatment center, he was royally pissed off and tremendously cold. He refused to see us beyond a 15 minute hello.

Two days later, we drove back home and heard from the center that he had left. He then moved out, filed for separation, and all hell broke loose. I was scared. I didn't know what was going on. The small town in which we lived all became involved and sides were drawn. Teachers were harder on me, acquaintances and relatives alike tried to tell me I was acting ridiculous towards my father.

I didn't understand how to articulate how hurt and betrayed I felt. The courts dragged us through counselor after counselor, but the judge wouldn't meet with me or any of my siblings to let us say our part. I felt like my opinion didn't matter because I wasn't 18 and a legal adult. There was no trustworthy confidant for me throughout this whole time. I threw myself into school and extracurricular activities, ignoring the not-so-quiet whispers regarding my family. There was no privacy — our family's dirty laundry was dragged all over the town.

My mother decided to move my senior year but wanted to make sure I was okay with that. I was numb—I didn't have an opinion one way or another. The divorce was finalized that year, so we were court-ordered to continue to see my dad every other weekend. It was hell. My little sister and I dreaded driving the four hours to his house, the whole weekend, the manipulations and verbal and emotional abuse—all of it. We became recluses in our own house, mindlessly going through the weekend watching TV or just sitting in silence. We would try to ignore the horrible things my dad would say about my mother or other siblings—or even of us. 

My senior year is a blur. I hardly made any friends because I was so scared they would all turn against me again. The counselors kept changing so I couldn't even talk to them. I became overprotective of my little sister who is four years younger than me. I became more of a parent to her rather than a sister, and all she wanted and needed was a big sister. I carried great anger towards my parents and siblings, feeling abandoned and alone. 

When I turned 18 during the spring of my senior year of high school, I refused to see my dad. I felt awful leaving my little sister alone there for the weekends, but I somehow knew I needed to do something for myself. I made things worse for her when I was there because I couldn't keep quiet as I heard all of these awful things. She later told me it was a little better only because there wasn't arguing, but she desperately needed a sister. 

Leaving for college was exciting. I was going out of state and knew that I would completely get a fresh start. I would have the chance for people to get to know the real me, not worrying about them knowing about my dad. I knew that I would be able to invest in relationships because I was not only going to be there for a year. I started to feel again. I found a spiritual director and grounded myself in faith and reason. Still, I made and lost friendships because I wasn't happy with myself. I felt unlovable but couldn't come to terms with it. It's still a daily struggle.

December 2017 was nine years since my dad left. I haven't seen him since 2013. I've drawn and held the boundary I know that I need — can't have a relationship with him until he comes to terms with his addiction and wants to change. I just can't. And you know what? That's okay. My siblings and I will never all be on the same page in our relationship with our dad. That's okay. I'm constantly working on forgiveness towards both him and my mom.

How Her Parents' Separation has Impacted Her

I struggle with the daily belief that I'm not lovable or enough. Even though I have come to terms with his leaving, it affects every other relationship in my life: professional, familial, filial, and romantic. There are times when I go through similar numb periods of just existing instead of enjoying and being thankful for my life. These frequently happen when I get a text from him or someone asks about him. I freeze up and my gut forms a knot. 

I needed to find ways I could be happy and to selfishly pursue those. I've communicated those needs to my family and friends, so they understand if I need to go for a vigorous hike in the woods to blow off some steam. If I don't, my anger will affect everyone else around me that I know and love.

Advice to Someone Whose Parents have Separated

Find someone to talk to, someone who shares the same beliefs as you. Many of my counselors didn't understand why I was so angry with my dad for leaving and filing for divorce —they didn't understand the Catholic teaching of it. Many counselors didn't understand that there was a high-functioning alcohol addiction hidden in our family communication that still affects me to this day. It wasn't until I found someone that understood and respected my beliefs, realized that alcoholism and its communication patterns were present and that I built up trust in them that I could start to heal.

How to Help Young People from Divorced and Separated Families

No one wants to talk about divorce. Or, rather, no one wants to talk about the devastatingly negative effects divorce has upon the kids. It might seem like the best thing for the parents because they are unhappy, but they are passing the cross of marriage down onto their kids —and it is absolutely not the best thing for them at all. I wish I knew that someone would've been there for me as I was going through an already tumultuous time in my life, and then this massive curveball was thrown at me. If someone—anyone —would have reached out to me to just talk...I would have been so appreciative of that lifeline thrown to me as I was drowning in a sea of confusion.

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Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.