Seeing My Family Fall Apart Was a Very Real Loss
5 minute read
The story below is from Erin, written at 25 years old. Her parents separated when she was 16 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.
HER STORY
For as long as I can remember, my parents had a pretty rocky marriage. My mom has Multiple Sclerosis, which made things more difficult as well. They fought frequently and some of the fights were pretty bad.
During the fall of my junior year of high school, a couple of months after my sister left for college, they had a bad fight, which ended when my mom told my dad to get out. He moved in with his brother for a few weeks and then moved into an apartment. Their legal separation began a few months after that.
HOW THE SEPARATION MADE HER FEEL
Their separation made me feel confused, guilty, and very lonely. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was also grieving - having my intact family fall apart was a very real loss.
During some of their particularly bad fights, I would sometimes wish they would split up because those fights were extremely scary and terrible to hear and see. After they actually did split up, I felt so guilty for wishing that, because the separation is even worse.
I was confused because I was upset that they separated, yet very few adults in my life checked to see how I was doing and some that did acted like it was normal. My guess is they were trying to downplay it to make me feel better, but it just made me wonder if there was something wrong with me that I was feeling so much about it. That also played into the loneliness I felt.
My parents, while they did their best to check on me, were dealing with their own issues and emotions, and my sister was away at college, so I felt very lonely, especially since all of my closest friends' parents were still married. I felt that, because everyone was treating it as such a normal thing, I had to pretend everything was normal and fine, so I buried those feelings.
I also felt that I had to take care of my parents and keep them happy because they were suffering, so I buried my feelings further so I could be there for them.
I started to struggle with depression, but felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about it, so that continued to get worse, until my grandma passed away during my senior year. The grief I felt from losing my grandma caused all the emotions I had suppressed to come to the surface.
My depression worsened to the point of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Luckily, one of my friends and a couple of my teachers noticed and encouraged me to go talk to someone. I was able to begin talking through all the grief and emotion I was feeling.
HOW HER PARENTS' SEPARATION HAS IMPACTED HER
Even though it's been almost 10 years since my parents separated, I do sometimes feel the effects of it.
I still have some trouble standing up for myself and saying no because I feel like I need to make people happy so they won't stop loving me or leave me. I know that my parents love me and didn't leave me when they separated, but it's hard to trust that people won't leave you when you've seen it happen with your parents.
I've had trouble in relationships because I don't trust that a guy will stay if I make a mistake or we disagree about something.
I still struggle sometimes with feelings of guilt, especially around the holidays when I know one parent will be alone.
The other thing I've noticed is that I hear some women talk about how they are a daughter of God and how wonderful it is to know that part of their identity. I struggle with that. I spent so much time, even before the separation, trying to take care of my parents and taking on more of an adult role that I don't know how to understand that part of my identity.
However, I can say that, through the grace of God and with counseling and prayer, I am no longer depressed and am starting to heal some of these wounds. So know that there is hope!
ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED
My biggest advice would be to take the time and space you need to grieve. Find a counselor, a spiritual director, and some friends you can talk to about how you are feeling.
Take the time to sit and write down your story. It wasn't until I wrote my answers for the Primal Loss book that I realized how much my parents' separation impacted me. It really shows you a lot of the feelings and fears you've been avoiding.
Most of all, take what you are feeling to the Jesus. I spent a lot of time in chapels and in Adoration, letting myself cry and giving it all to Him. That's been a huge part of my healing.
HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES
I think the pain and grief of teens and young adults needs to be acknowledged. When someone's parents split up, counselors and other support options should be made available. Most churches have support groups and programs for separated or divorced couples, but I don't know of any churches that have anything for the children, young or grown.
I would also like to see secular support groups (similar to AA or grief groups) for children of divorce.
I'd just like for the assumption that "children are resilient" to stop. Yes, children are resilient, but only to a certain extent. We still need support and healing and not to be brushed aside just because divorce is so common.
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