#135: Holidays with Divorced Parents? 5 Tips to Navigate Them
Whether holidays with your divorced or separated parents are new or you’ve done it numerous times, this episode is for you. In it, you’ll get 5 practical tips to better navigate the holidays in your broken family, so they’re less stressful and more enjoyable.
Get the Guide: 5 Tips to Navigate the Holidays in a Broken Family
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
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Joey: [00:00:00] After my parents divorce, the holidays changed from joyful and magical to stressful and complicated. Pressure to choose between parents, a misled desire to make everyone happy, especially my parents, often at my expense. My emotions are other people being in control instead of me. Feeling alone and uncertain of how to deal with it all.
Sound familiar? If you can relate, know that you're not alone, especially if the wounds are fresh and tensions are high. Welcome to The Restored Podcast. I'm Joey Panerelli. If you come from a divorced or broken family, this show is for you. We help you heal your brokenness, navigate the challenges, and build healthy relationships so you can break that cycle and build a better life.
Whether holidays with your divorced or separated parents are new, or you've done it numerous times, this This episode is for you. You'll get five practical tips to better navigate the holidays in your broken family. So they're less stressful and more enjoyable. The content you're about to hear is the audio version of a PDF guide that we created for you.
Instead of making you guys download the PDF to get access [00:01:00] to the content, we just figured, why don't we deliver it to you through this podcast? And if you're the type of person who wants to read it and listen at the same time, you're obviously more than welcome to, to do so, to download the PDF, just go to restored ministry.
com slash holidays. It's totally free. Again, restoredministry. com slash holidays, or click the link in the show notes. But again, you do not have to do that. You're still going to benefit by just listening. The tips you're about to hear, they're really simple. They're really practical. And since they're so simple, it's easy to have a sophistication bias to overlook the importance of simple things.
So remember, it's not enough just to know this stuff. You have to do it to see the result of the holidays being less stressful and more enjoyable. In other words, knowing is not enough. Doing is better than knowing, especially in this case. And with that, here's the audio version of the guide. Five Tips to Navigate the Holidays in a Broken Family.
Read and authored by Joey Pontarelli. Holiday Challenges in a Broken Family. After my parents divorce, the holidays changed from joyful and magical to stressful and [00:02:00] complicated. Often, I felt more excited about them being over than the holidays themselves. The holidays brought about real challenges. A sad, pit in the stomach reminder of my parents split and my family's brokenness.
Pressure to choose between parents and balance time amid many events. A misled desire to make everyone happy, especially my parents, often at my expense. My emotions or other people being in control instead of me. Feeling alone and uncertain of how to deal with it all. Sound familiar? If you can relate, know that you're not alone, especially if the wounds are fresh and tensions are high.
But it doesn't always have to be this way. In this guide, you'll get five tips to navigate the challenges and hopefully even begin enjoying the holidays again. Based on research, expert advice, and 20 years of experience that's helped thousands of people, the tips below are simple, Using them won't make your holidays look like a Hallmark movie, but they will improve the experience by putting you in the driver's [00:03:00] seat.
How to navigate the challenges. Tip one, stop trying to fix or please everyone. The quickest way to misery is trying to please or fix everyone. It's an impossible task that will always leave you feeling inadequate. It's not your responsibility to please everyone. It's not your job to clean up the mess inside your family.
It's not your job to fix your parents or their marriage. You can't change them or your family. Sure, your influence has its place, but it's not the same as being in control or responsible. Remember, you can love your parents and still acknowledge that they got themselves into this situation. As such, they need to work through it and deal with the consequences.
Around this time of the year especially, your parents or other people might expect you to put on a good face and be happy. That's not right. You should never have to pretend to be happy in the midst of a difficult situation. Again, you can't make everyone happy, nor should you try. When you try to make everyone happy, you'll likely make no one happy, [00:04:00] and yourself miserable.
Again, tip one, stop trying to fix or please everyone. Tip two, prepare for the stress and emotions. Holidays in a broken family can be stressful and emotionally exhausting. Don't let it surprise you. Expect it. Plan for it. If you don't, here's the danger. You might emotionally burn out and do things that you'll later regret in an attempt to fill your needs.
To avoid that, prioritize taking care of yourself. That's not selfish if it's aimed at allowing you to love well, treat others with respect, and be virtuous. Think ahead about the difficult emotions you might feel, perhaps even thinking back to last year if it's comparable. Have one or two quick ways to calm yourself if you feel anxious, or to experience some joy if you feel down and depressed.
For example, in the middle of parties that cause anxiety, don't hesitate to step away for a breather. Whatever you do, allow yourself to feel your feelings, work through them, pay attention to [00:05:00] them, and learn from them. Ignoring them or stuffing them away only makes things worse. The only way to heal and grow is by moving through those negative and messy emotions.
Your body and your emotions are naturally intertwined. As such, care for your body in these simple ways to feel better physically and emotionally. One, sleep. Sleep at least seven to eight hours per night according to sleep experts like Dr. Matthew Walker. Two, water. Drink half your body weight in ounces, such as if you weigh 150 pounds, drink 75 ounces per day according to health experts like Shawn Stevenson.
Typically that results in drinking half to a whole gallon per day, roughly 1. 75 to 3. 75 liters. 3. Exercise. Move your body, whether through walking, running, biking, bodyweight exercises, or sports. The endorphin release will help you feel better. [00:06:00] 4. Eat. Eat healthy, whole, unprocessed foods to feel your best.
Fun fact, according to trauma therapist Margaret Vasquez, eating good quality dark chocolate stimulates the release of endorphins that make you feel better. Similarly, the carbonation in sparkling water stimulates serotonin release, which makes you feel happier or better about yourself. If you're religious, don't forget to pray during this time.
Not only have experts found it calming, but God can give you strength during difficult times if you ask for help. He sees your pain and wants to be there for you. Know that he doesn't want it to be this way either. Trust that he's not finished with you. While divorce or separation is devastating, God can bring good even out of evil.
Perhaps you'll never see that in your family, but you can see it in your own life. Healthy distractions aren't bad. If you're constantly in situations or with people that drain you, you must have ways to revive yourself. [00:07:00] For me, quick ways look like listening to music or audiobooks, Playing sports or board games with friends or my family, watching good movies, having good conversations with my friends, walking outside for fresh air, watching a sunset, cooking meals, especially for family or friends.
While it's good to have alone time, it can be taken to an unhealthy extreme. Make sure you're not isolating yourself. If you've spent the majority of the holidays on your own without meaningful conversations with friends and person on the phone, or even through messaging, you're likely isolating yourself.
If you feel lonely, that's obviously a sign that you're isolated. Instead of waiting for someone to rescue you, take action. Invite a friend over or plan to meet up. Whatever the circumstances, decide to keep your calm. Intense moments, remember to take a breath, pause to think, and detach from the intensity of the emotions before you act.
By doing that, you'll make better decisions about what to do next, and save [00:08:00] yourself from regret. Again, tip two, prepare for the stress and emotions. Tip three, plan ahead and set boundaries with your parents. Think of it this way to stop a fire. You can either fight it as it arises reactively or proactively install sprinklers, smoke detectors, and fire extinguishers.
Time with your parents is no different. Making a plan proactively does require some time and effort, but it's a smart investment that it reduces stress, sets expectations and protects you. A good plan will naturally include when you'll see your parents and for how long. It will also set healthy boundaries with your parents informing them how to treat you.
When it comes to the holidays, it's okay to lay down those rules with your parents. For example, you can tell your dad that you won't talk to him about your mom or vice versa. Boundaries communicated in advance also give people the option to opt out of interacting with you, which prevents drama. By the way, don't feel guilty for [00:09:00] setting boundaries.
If you're not used to this, it might feel mean. That's not true. Boundaries are a sign of a healthy person. Listen to that again. Imagine not having boundaries and letting anyone do whatever they want to you that would be extremely unhealthy and end very badly for you. And them. Boundaries aren't only good for you, but also for your parents.
It'll help you have a healthier relationship with them. If you have kids, make sure to protect them. Don't sacrifice your kids' sanity just to please your relatives or parents. Your immediate family is most important now. For more on boundaries, listen to episode 36 of the Restored podcast@restoredministry.com slash 36.
Don't only set boundaries, but be ready to enforce them. If you tell someone this is the boundary and they break it, there need to be consequences without them, they'll ignore your boundaries next time. As part of your preparation, be ready for the predictable [00:10:00] circumstances that will arise, such as a conflict with a specific relative, your dad or mom bringing their new partner to the party, or whatever else.
Prepare for how you'll avoid those situations, or how you'll handle them, such as, when your dad introduces his new girlfriend, simply say, Hi. I'm Joey. When that overbearing relative starts pelting you with questions, say, I'm sorry, I need to run to the bathroom. When your mom starts bad mouthing your dad, politely excuse yourself to grab food.
It's crucial to remember that spending time with one parent is not a betrayal of the other. Healthy relationships with both are essential. Many people like us benefit from spending separate days with each parent. By spending Christmas Eve with your dad and Christmas Day with your mom, here are the benefits.
1. It allows you to focus on each parent without, hopefully, worrying about the other. 2. It gives each parent assurance that they're going to have uninterrupted time with you. 3. You can avoid burning out. If siblings are part of the [00:11:00] equation, include them in the planning process. Although the approach may vary depending on the nature of those sibling relationships.
Hopefully, you can approach the holidays as a team. To start, create a group chat and start asking good questions to get the discussion going. If things get stuck, make a plan for yourself, share it, and ask them what they think. Although a good plan is helpful, no plan is perfect. Don't plan every minute.
Also, allow some flexibility in your plan in case things change. A back up plan if things go badly is smart too, such as staying with relatives or friends if the time with your family implodes. But what if your relationship with your parents is toxic? If it's to the extent that you can't see your mom or dad That's rough.
I'm so sorry. I hate that you're going through that. In that case, what can you do to experience some sort of community instead of your family? That might look like going to a friend's house or even having friends over to your place. You'd be surprised by how happy it makes other people to host or receive an invitation during the [00:12:00] holidays.
Ideally, choose friends or a family that models what it means to be a true and good family, the kind you want for your future. By the way, if you live at home with one parent, a plan like this is extra difficult. Do what's within your power to set boundaries. You might be able to spend a little extra time with the parent that doesn't live at home.
In that case, speak with your parent who does live at home, setting that expectation and explaining why you'll be spending a little more time with your other parent. To solidify your plan and boundaries, write it down, whether on paper, an app, or a calendar. Feel free to copy this Google Doc schedule template and fill in your details.
You can get that by downloading this PDF. Again, tip three, plan ahead and set boundaries with your parents. Tip four, communicate the plan. By far, this is the most difficult tip. A fair amount of you will not complete it. Why? It's scary and uncomfortable. I get it, I've been there. Perhaps you've never stood up for yourself like this, or you're [00:13:00] unsure how your parents will respond.
Just remember that an action has a cost, too. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. You deserve better. When communicating, it's best to do it well ahead of time. Already cutting it close? Don't worry. Better late than never. In crafting how you want to communicate, follow the advice of speaker and author Donald Miller.
First, figure out what you want to say, such as the main points and order. Then, figure out how you want to say it, such as the words you'll use in the form of communication. In figuring out what to say, a few tips. Lead with your intentions, such as affirming that you want to see your parents and spend time with them.
Make sure they know they're part of the plan. You have every right to express your feelings to your parents. Be honest and tell them your needs. Brutal honesty and vulnerability might not give them warm, fuzzy feelings, but hopefully they'll respect you for your honesty. And if they don't, at least you know that you spoke [00:14:00] your truth.
Naturally, this assumes you're in a good spot where you have at least a decent relationship with your parents and you can talk to them. Sometimes that isn't the case. In solving how to say it, some things to consider. In person is best, video or phone is next, then voice memo, and finally email or text is last.
At other times a letter is most effective. Start with I'm reaching out to set expectations and make sure we spend time together. Be real saying things like, I love you, but it can be really hard around the holidays to please you both and not offend you. I need you to understand my decisions, my boundaries, and that the tension in our family makes it difficult to enjoy the holidays.
If you can't see both parents, give the reason why. At least in a diplomatic way, focusing more on yourself than them. Such as, I can't afford it. It's too exhausting for me right now. It's too much on me or my [00:15:00] family. Or, I need a break this year. What if your parents get upset? Stay calm. Try to display empathy by placing yourself in their shoes, yet keep your boundaries.
Keep in mind that your parents are learning to navigate the holidays too, so give them some grace. Then, speak the truth by saying what you're thinking and feeling. As part of that conversation, ask good questions. When people make unreasonable requests, FBI negotiator Chris Voss suggests asking the question, How am I supposed to do that?
The intent behind the question is to find an answer. But often, the request made is so difficult or impossible that the person who made it feels stumped by the question. You can also ask questions aimed at understanding and empathy, such as, In your mind, what did you expect this year? Or, If you were in my shoes, what would you do if your mom and dad were asking what you are right now?
Whatever happens, don't allow someone to take control of your plan [00:16:00] and adapt it at your expense. For example, if you get a request from your dad to attend a party or see him during the time you're spending with your mom, you can simply point to the plan and remind him of it. Learn from it all too. Don't feel the need to have the perfect plan or perfectly execute the plan.
Instead, look at it as a sort of experiment to find the right balance between your parents. You can then make changes next year based on what you learn. See it also as an opportunity to become a better, stronger person. Think about the lessons you can use in the future, especially to build your own family.
To help, my team and I have developed copy and paste templates here to communicate with your parents via text, voice memo, email, phone call, video call, or even a letter. You can get those templates by downloading the PDF. Again, tip 4, communicate the plan. Tip 5, enjoy the holidays. Ironically, forgetting to enjoy the holidays is easier than it sounds.
Creating new traditions, especially if you're married or soon will [00:17:00] be, is a great way to reset and redefine the holidays. Serving others, such as the poorer, elderly, and nursing homes, is another way to break the cycle with selflessness. If you're like me, spending time with your friends makes the holidays much more enjoyable, too.
While it's good to spend time with your parents, make sure you block out some time to spend with your friends, too. So often, since spending time with both parents separately can be so time consuming, our other relationships suffer. Do what you can to plan some time with those people that you like to see.
The extra effort will pay off. Keep in mind that you might need to lower your expectations for the holidays, unfortunately. Holiday traditions in your family might die because of the divorce. You might not feel the same joy, safety, and security with your parents anymore. That's hard to swallow. In the midst of that, try to focus on the deeper meaning of the holiday.
For example, Christmas is a time to delve into the mind boggling mystery of God becoming a vulnerable, weak, human baby. Don't let the [00:18:00] stress and challenges in your life Distract you from things like that. Again, tip five, enjoy the holidays. Improve how you handle the holidays in your broken family. If you do what you've always done for the holidays, you'll get what you've always gotten.
As a result, the stress and challenges from your broken family can easily overwhelm you and cause you to do things that you'll later regret. But there is a better way. If you execute the tips in this recording, even though some are uncomfortable, you'll be better equipped to navigate this time of year and benefit in many ways.
Save yourself from trying to please or fix everyone. Avoid burning out from the stress and difficult emotions. Stay in control by planning time with your parents. Setting expectations and boundaries that protect you and your relationships. Experience relief, feel less alone, and perhaps even enjoy the holidays again.
In the end, instead of being controlled by your emotions or the demands of others, you'll be in control. Remember, you're not alone, [00:19:00] and you're not doomed to experience the holidays like this forever. We're here to guide you through the messiness. Know someone who would benefit from this guide? If you want, share it with them.
Here are a few resources to further help you navigate the holidays and the other challenges stemming from your parents divorce or the breakdown of your family. Podcasts. Restored, helping children of divorce. Ranked in the top 20 podcasts on divorce, the Restored podcast exists for teens and young adults from divorce or broken families.
On it, we feature stories and expert advice on how to navigate the challenges in your family and even find healing so you can break the cycle. Listen now at restoredministry. com slash podcast. Community. Restored's online community. If you'd like a private place to talk about the challenges that you face in your broken family, join our private and free online community built for people like us.
It'll help you feel less alone, get advice from people who've been through your experiences, and challenge you to grow into a [00:20:00] better, stronger person. Join at restoredministry. com slash community. Course. Broken to whole, tactics to heal from your parents divorce or broken marriage. In just two hours of short videos, learn 17 years worth of lessons from a trauma therapist who's helped hundreds heal.
By taking the free course, you'll benefit in numerous ways. Identify the root cause of your struggles. Learn why the trauma of your parents divorce or family dysfunction is so damaging. Feel validated and less alone in your struggles. Get simple tools and tactics to heal. understand and better navigate your emotions, build healthy relationships and a better life, avoid passing your brokenness onto the people you love the most.
Sign up for free at restoredministry. com slash broken to whole book. It's Not Your Fault, a practical guide to navigating the pain and problems from your parents to force. Nobody shows teens and young adults from broken families how to handle all the [00:21:00] pain and problems that stem from their family's breakdown.
Without guidance, they feel alone and continue to struggle in serious ways with emotional problems, unhealthy coping, relationship struggles, and more. It's Not Your Fault features 33 questions and answers on the most pressing challenges they face. After reading it, teens and young adults will learn how to handle the trauma of their parents divorce or separation, how to build healthy relationships, how to overcome emotional pain and problems, healing tactics to help them feel whole again, how to navigate their relationship with their parents, how to heal their relationship with God.
How to make important decisions about their future by the book or get the first chapters for free at restored ministry. com slash books. Guys. I really hope that that helped you. My challenge to you is this take action, schedule a time this week or this weekend to plan out the holidays. 20 to 30 minutes is probably enough, but if you can't do that, do 10 to 15 minutes of planning, it's really going to help and to help [00:22:00] in that process.
You're welcome to download the PDF guide, five tips to navigate the holidays easily. In a broken family, you can do that at restored ministry. com slash holidays, or by clicking the link in the show notes. Again, it's totally free and you already heard the content in this episode, but perhaps you want the digital version.
So you can reference it at a later date, or maybe share it with someone like a friend or a sibling. And by downloading it, you're also going to get. Yes. Um, and you can also use this to get access to some free resources that come along with it, like a worksheet to plan out your time with your parents.
Also a copy and paste template that you can edit to communicate with your parents via message or a call or whatever way. Again, that's all restored ministry. com slash holidays. Those bonuses are within the PDF themself and you can get all that at restored ministry. com such holidays or by clicking the link in the show notes.
Overall, guys, I just hope that the holidays are less stressful and more enjoyable for you. Hang in there, I know this can be a really difficult time of the year. That wraps up this episode. If this podcast has helped you, feel free to subscribe or follow on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or whatever podcast app that you use.
Not only is that the best way to avoid missing future [00:23:00] episodes, but the more subscribers we have, the more the apps will suggest our show to people who are looking for help, and it only takes a few seconds. And if you've already done that, feel free to rate or review the show. We definitely appreciate the feedback and also the feedback.
That helps people find the podcast in closing. Always remember, you're not doomed to repeat your family's dysfunction. You can break that cycle and build a better life. And we're here to help and keep in mind the words of CS Lewis, who said you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.
