#083: 3 Steps to Navigate Your Broken Family During the Holidays | Margaret Vasquez
If you’re from a broken family, you don’t need anyone to tell you how stressful, depressing, or just plain difficult the holidays can be. If you can relate, this episode is for you.
In it, we offer:
3 steps to plan the holidays, so you can reduce the drama and actually enjoy them
Advice from a former trauma therapist on how to deal with your difficult emotions this time of the year, so they don’t control you and you don’t act out in unhealthy ways
Resources to help you cope, heal, and grow from the trauma of your broken family
Apply for coaching with Margaret
10 Questions
When will you spend time with each parent, if possible?
Who can you ask to be your swim buddy?
What three things should you do to take care of yourself?
What healthy distractions can you use in intense situations?
What predictable circumstances will come up and what can you say or do in them?
What expectations and boundaries need to be set?
If you can’t be with your family, what can you do to experience some sort of community instead of your family?
When and how will you communicate the plan?
What can you say to lead with your intention?
What’s your plan to respond if mom or dad gets upset?
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Margaret Vasquez
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
If you're from a broken family, you don't need me to tell you how stressful, even depressing, or just plain difficult the holidays can be. And if you can relate to that, this episode is for you. In it, we offer three steps to plan the holidays so you can reduce the drama and actually enjoy them. And this advice, by the way, is based on my team and I listening to hundreds of people from broken families, and also it's based on years of doing it ourselves.
We come from broken families ourselves, my team and I. And so we've done this ourselves and we've learned a lot of lessons along the way. And then finally, we pull on resources that we've built in the past for you guys on this topic. We continue to refine that content to make it better, uh, more useful, more helpful for you.
You're also gonna hear advice from a former trauma therapist and how to deal with your difficult emotions this time of the year, so they don't control you and you don't act out in unhealthy ways that are gonna hurt you or maybe that you'll later regret. And she even touches on things like how to more easily identify what you're feeling, which is more difficult than it sounds, so that you can properly respond and take care of yourself.
And she offers some practical tactics that you can use, like how sparkling water can actually trigger serotonin release and actually help you to feel good during this difficult season. And then finally, we offer some resources to help you cope, heal, and grow from the trauma of your broken family, especially during this holiday season.
So keep listening.
Welcome to the Restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents', divorce, separation, or broken marriage so you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pinelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 80. If you're from a broken family and you feel alone, or maybe you're looking for support stores, online community is for you.
Our community offers a safe place for you to speak openly about the pain and the problems that you face. It also helps you not feel so alone because you're surrounded by people in our community, who've been through what you've been through, their parents divorced or separation, or maybe just really broken marriage and really get you, and then you'll be challenged to grow into a better, stronger person.
So if you wanna join our online community, it's really easy to do. It's three steps. Just go to restored ministry.com/community. Again, restored ministry ministry singular.com/community. Just fill out the quick form on that page, and then we'll add you to the group. Again, go to restored ministry.com/community, or just click on the link in the show.
So this show has actually broken into two main segments and segment two. My guest is Margaret Vasquez, the former trauma therapist that I mentioned, who is gonna talk about navigating the emotional side of the holidays. Now, before we get into that, I'm gonna touch on the logistical or the planning side of the holidays, but I wanted to introduce Margaret first.
After over 15 plus years treating trauma clients of all ages, presenting to a wide variety of groups in person and through guest appearances on e w, TN radio shows and podcasts. Margaret began her coaching and consulting practice and presenting workshops and retreats to religious priests, deacons, and lay people online.
And in person. And Margaret, you might remember, she's been a guest on the show in episodes 37 and 63, and at this point, I can't say much, but you'll be hearing from Margaret much more in the future. There's really exciting things ahead here at ReSTOR. I'm excited to share those with you. In the time comes, just make sure to stay tuned.
But before we get to Margaret, I'm gonna offer some advice for planning the holidays. All right, so diving into the planning portion, the logistical portion, I want you to imagine you and me just sitting down in front of a fire, maybe having a drink. Okay? Just me as your brother, kind of sharing what we've learned along the way.
What's helpful when it comes to navigating the holidays from a broken family? And there are basically two ways to navigate the holidays. If you're from a broken family, you can do it reactively. Or you can do it proactively, and you can think of it this way. You can be a firefighter that fights fires as they start.
As they arise. That's being reactive. It's one way to solve problems. It can be effective, but it's a lot more stressful and it's more dangerous and you can get hurt or you can be a fire prevention pro that prevents fires from happening in the first place. And if they do, has a plan or a system in place to deal with those fires to stop them from spreading.
You can think of a sprinkler system or maybe fire extinguishers in a building, and that's being proactive, right? It does take more work on the front end, but it's less stressful and less dangerous in the end, and there's a better chance that you won't get hurt. Now you get to choose when it comes to the holidays, do you want to be react?
Or proactive and the steps I'm about to offer you. The tips within these steps as well is gonna help you to be proactive. By the way, these tips, these steps are not complicated. They're simple, but they're not easy to do. And so often we just don't do them. And by choosing to avoid that discomfort of being proactive, all it takes to be proactive, we automatically settle for the drama and the tension that come with being reactive with our families during the holidays.
And so I hope that this plan, that these steps really help you to be proactive. Do it this in simple ways. It doesn't need to take a lot of time, but it's then gonna make your whole holiday season and your whole interactions with your families much better. So the first step is very simple. Again, make a plan.
Make a plan. But what should that plan include? The first thing I'd. Make sure you have time set aside for each parent in advance. This is assume you're gonna be in the same area as both of your parents. So for example, let's say on Christmas Eve you spend time with dad and then on Christmas day you're spending time with mom.
And the benefits of spending time on separate days are one. It allows you to really focus on each parent without hopefully worrying about the other parent. It also gives mom and dad some assurance in advance that they're gonna get time with you, uninterrupted time with you, and then also you could just avoid burning out.
It can be exhausting, especially in a single day, trying to navigate both mom and dad and perhaps both of their families as well. And so that's, uh, super helpful to make sure you set time in advance for each of your parents to spend with each of them. Your plan should also include not doing it alone. So basically what I mean by this is if you have siblings, involve them in the planning, make a plan together, be a team, and you can do this really simply by just starting a group chat or maybe doing a video call with your siblings or even a phone call and just.
Ask some questions to get the discussion going. You can ask them, you know, Hey, what are your plans for the holiday? And they might not have any. But then together you can make those plans. And if those relationships are tense, then make sure to just keep it simple, right? You don't need to go into a ton of detail, just got a basic plan together.
And if those relationships with your siblings are perhaps toxic, then I totally understand you won't be able to do much with your siblings, and that's okay. And I'm sorry you're in that situation. But if you can involve them, make sure to do it and it'll make the planning go a lot better as part of not doing it alone too.
You need to get a swim buddy. What do I mean by this? During buds, BUDS stands for basic Underwater Demolition Seal training. It's, uh, the training that Navy seals go through one of the initial trainings to become seals. They're assigned a swim buddy and basically a swim buddy is where you. And another trainee are teammates to look after each other.
You support each other. You literally swim together and make sure the other is okay, that you're not drowning, that you're not struggling in some way. And so Margaret is gonna touch on this a little bit further in this episode, but this is really important to have just someone, a friend, likely or maybe a mentor, that you could check in with from time to time if things get difficult, especially who can just kind of be there for you, who can look out for you, someone you can, you know, lean on in a healthy way to support you through this season.
And then finally, plan some fun with your friends. When it comes to doing this planning alone, make sure you put your friends in the plan. While it's really good to spend time with your parents, you wanna make sure that you're blocking out some time to spend with your friends too. And I think so often what happens for those of us who come from broken families is since we're spending time with both of our parents separately, and that could be so time consuming, our other relationships often suffer.
I've seen this a lot with my friendships and so do what you can to really plan some time with those other people that you'd like to see as well. It might take some extra effort, by the way, but, But what I've learned is it's totally worth it. I'm always grateful that I make an effort to see some of my friends, even if it's difficult to fit them in between navigating, you know, my relationship with mom and dad, making sure we're spending time with both of them.
And last year, I think it was last year, my wife, Bridget and I, we took our daughter Lucy to see our friends, Peter and Annie and Louis and Victoria. And it was awesome. It was a really good time. We were staying with my mom and it was like an hour or more drive to see them one way. So, you know, we're driving two, two and a half hours to spend time with them.
But it was awesome. We. Dinner together, and we just had a great time together and I was really glad that I made time to see my friends. So don't do it alone. Involve your siblings. Get a swim buddy, and then plan some fun with your friends. The next thing that should be included in your plan is just taking care of yourself.
Again, Margaret's gonna touch on this a little bit further. But this is super important not to neglect yourself during this time. It's almost like being an athlete who has a big game that they're preparing for, or, or maybe they're in the midst of, like during that time, you have to take care of yourself, otherwise you're not gonna be able to perform, uh, at your peak.
You're not gonna be able to navigate the difficult waters, um, as well as you could if you were kind of in a healthy good spot. And so some really basic things you can do to take care of yourself is just make sure you're sleeping enough and try to get good quality sleep too. Make sure you're drinking enough water.
So it kind of depends. I've asked doctors this question like, how much water should you be drinking? It kind of varies per person, like how active you are and perhaps where you live too. But what I've gathered is you basically wanna drink half a gallon to a gallon of water each day. Again, half a gallon to a gallon of water each day.
I'm sorry, I don't know the conversion in leaders for, uh, non-US listeners. I apologize about that. But, um, you can do. So make sure to drink enough water that's really gonna help you, help your mind, stay clear, sharp, and also to help your body feel energized and rested. Get some exercise in too, and it doesn't need to be something super intense.
Margaret and I will discuss this a little bit, but just moving your body can be really, really helpful and help you to feel good. It can release endorphins to where it will make you feel really good. Another thing you could do to take care of yourself is just eating food that's good for you. And if you're religious as well, make sure that you're praying.
And then there's other things too of, you know, maybe reading good books or playing games, keeping your mind sharp and keeping it relaxed as well. And then, of course, like I mentioned already, spending some time with friends too. Those could all be things that you do, uh, to take care of yourself. And you can fill in the blanks too, like what does it take for you to take care of yourself?
What would it look like to kind of be in this a good spot, even though maybe you're going into a tense or dramatic situation with your family? Another part of taking care of yourself is having healthy distractions. So like healthy coping mechanisms basically. And if you're constantly in situations or, or with people maybe that drain you, it's really important to have a way to kind of revive yourself.
And again, Margaret and I are gonna discuss this further, but the basic idea is to do things that are good for you and that give you life. So that might mean playing games with your siblings. I know for me it does playing sports as well. It's always something that gives me life. Watching good movies. I love movies.
And so watching a good movie can really give me life and help me to relax a bit. And then also having good conversations with my friends. It's always something I really look forward to, as well as some other things that really do give me life. And by the way, if you're at a party, maybe a family party, a healthy distraction might look like going for a walk or maybe hanging out in another room, taking a break from some of the conversations you're having.
So just have all these little things. In your back pocket that you can pull out. So you don't need to think about it too much in the midst of those situations. And then finally, taking care of yourself can look like avoiding isolation too. While it's good to have some alone time, it can be taken really to an unhealthy level, and I'm sure we've all been there.
I know I've struggled with loneliness in my past, and so make sure you're not isolating yourself as a way to hide. And if you spent the majority of the holidays or last few days on your own, you know, without talking to your friends in person or maybe over the phone or even messaging them, uh, you're likely isolating yourself.
And one thing I should say too, is you can even feel really lonely if you are messaging people. And so it's really good to have like that face time with each other, whether that's over a call, but ideally it's gonna be in person as well. And so make sure you're, you're doing that stuff, even if you don't totally feel like it, it's really good to push yourself through that and not isolate yourself, but spend time with people who are good for you, who respect you, who love you, and who can give you a little bit of life.
And if you feel lonely, by the way, that's a sign that you're perhaps isolated and that you need to do something about it. And so make sure to reach out to friends or maybe your siblings or, uh, some relatives that you can spend some time with again, to avoid that isolation, which can be really detrimental during this time of.
So those are some basic tips to take care of yourself. Another thing I would say your plan should include is prepare for predictable circumstances. What I mean by this is it could be, you know, mom or dad bringing a new partner to a family party. It can be an overbearing relative or maybe one of your parents badmouthing the other.
And if these things kind of tend to happen, you kind of know, well, this is probably gonna happen. Uh, you can prepare what you wanna say, what you want to do, or maybe how you can avoid the situation altogether. For example, when dad introduces his new girlfriend, maybe you can say, Hi, I'm Joey. You don't need to say, Hey, it's great to meet you, or a pleasure to meet you if you're not in that spot yet.
You shouldn't have to force your feelings or be overly polite. You know, you should be cordial and diplomatic. Um, but you could plan something kind of generic to say like that and just keep the conversation on the surface level. You don't need to go super deep. That's one way to plan ahead for these kind of predictable circumstances.
Another way is, let's say that overbearing relative starts pestering you with questions. You can say something like, Hey, I'm sorry, I need to run to the bathroom. You know, kind of get yourself outta that situation and hopefully not be cornered again. And then finally you can say, you know, when mom starts badmouthing dad, for example, you can get up and go sit with someone else or, and you could do it politely, excuse yourself.
Hey, hey, I'm sorry, I'm gonna go, you know, help out in the kitchen. I'm gonna go play with my cousins, whatever. And again, all of this comes down to thinking ahead, thinking about, well, this happened last year. It's happened the last few years. This is likely to happen again. And not being taken by surprise with that, right?
Think through like, Okay, how am I gonna deal with. Again, this doesn't need to be complicated. Just give it a little bit of thought so you're not taken by surprise. And if you do that little bit of prep work, just thinking ahead, planning about what you wanna say, what you wanna do, how you wanna avoid these situations, it can go really far to prepare for those predictable circumstances.
Another thing that your plan needs to include is expectations and boundaries. So the main idea behind really all of these tips and these three steps I'm offering you is really the idea of setting expectations for you and for your parents. And in other words, to set boundaries that tell everyone involved kind of the rules of engagement for interacting with you.
And they might sound kind of extra, but that's not the case. Okay? Because boundaries really communicate to others what is allowed and what isn't allowed. And setting the days and times that you'll spend with mom and dad, for example, is a good basic way to set those boundaries. And by the way, don't feel guilty for setting boundaries if you're not used to setting boundaries.
It might feel kind of mean, but, but I can assure you it's not. Boundaries are a sign of a healthy person. Boundaries are a sign of a healthy person. And imagine not having boundaries. Imagine you let anyone do anything that they wanted to you like that would be ridiculous. It would be extremely unhealthy for you.
And for them, and it would end really badly for everyone involved. And so boundaries are necessary to be a healthy and whole person, which I think we all want. And further than that, boundaries are actually really good for you and for your relationships. For example, it's good that my wife and I have some time to ourselves, some alone time.
It's good that you and your parents have some time to yourselves as well. It isn't mean it's just healthy. It's it's normal human behavior. And also boundaries really help you to take care of yourself, like I mentioned too. And if you really wanna love people, well, if you wanna be, again, that healthy and whole person, if you wanna have great relationships, Boundaries are absolutely necessary.
And if you want more information on boundaries, if maybe this is a new topic for you or something you'd wanna work on, check out episode 36. Episode 36. We cover boundaries in that episode. So make sure your plan includes boundaries and expectations. Make sure your plan is also a little bit flexible, right?
We don't want it so planned out that we can't adapt at all. And some of you guys who are extreme planners like you are loving this episode, probably. You're like, This is great. I, you know, I already do most of this, but I'll add some things in here or there. And then those of you who aren't planners are thinking, This is so weird, why would I do this?
And so I wanna challenge kind of both of you. The ones who are, are really. Extra extreme planners. Just make sure you're not getting too strict with your plan. And those of you who aren't planners, put some time into this. You know, you don't need a 20 step plan that you're putting into place, but just something simple can go a long way.
And then just wanted to say that not every minute needs to be planned, of course, but it, again, it's gonna take some pressure off of you if you have a basic plan in place. We've heard tips from people who've done this for a long time, or people who've followed our advice from restored, who've found planning to be really, really helpful.
And it can honestly look as simple as like calling mom or dad or texting them and just saying like, Hey, I wanna spend this time with you and this time with. The other parent. And so it can go a long way. And again, not having a plan can add that pressure and add some stress, which I'll, I'll touch on a little bit later.
But again, feel free to adapt the plan, adapt the plan if you need to. And you can even have backups, for example, if you know that you know, same with your dad, you might get a little dramatic or tense on, and that actually happens. And you can have a backup plan of like going to your grandparents house or going to your aunt and uncle's house or a friend's house.
Some backup can be really good as well. So having some flexibility in your plan is really good as well. Your plan might also include some new traditions. So maybe you're married or you soon will be, or maybe you're going off to college for the first time. You can keep in mind that you can start new tradit.
By yourself, with your friends, with your spouse, with your kids. And perhaps that might even look like serving other people. One family that I really admire, some friends of mine, they would go to visit nursing homes around Christmas time, is a really beautiful way of serving other people, kind of getting outside of themselves, which is a really beautiful tradition.
And so you can create traditions for yourself, for your kids, for your spouse, for maybe just you and your friends or maybe you and your siblings that maybe don't need to involve both of your parents, maybe involve one or whatever that might look like. And so, uh, don't be afraid to start those new traditions.
And then finally, what if things in your relationship with your parents aren't good? I totally get this. And if it's to the extent that you can't see mom or dad, I would just wanna first say, That's rough. I, I hate that you're going through that and we're here for you. I'm really sorry. I've been there myself certain years, certain holiday seasons, and it's no fun.
And if that's the case, my question for you really is this, what can you do to experience some sort of family, some sort of community instead of your immediate family? And that might look like going over to a friend's house, going to a friend's family house, or maybe even having friends over to your place for that particular held.
And that can become your plan. That can, in a way, become your family. So if things in your relationship with your parents aren't good, just make sure you have a backup for that as well, where you're joining another family or starting some of an attrition of your own with your friends. And again, this might seem like a lot of work, but you can keep it really simple.
And a plan really helps you to reduce the drama, to set expectations and boundaries, and most importantly, to take care of yourself so you don't fall into a dark place or do things that you'll maybe later regret. And so a plan also helps you avoid any unwanted surprises. So you can avoid being, you know, thrown into maybe an uncomfortable situation because you didn't think ahead, you didn't plan ahead, you didn't, you know, ask questions about who's gonna be at this party or what's going on here or there.
You've, if you think through that stuff, there's much less likelihood that you're gonna be surprised. And not having a plan really is no good. It might seem easier now, and it might truly be that way cuz you don't need to put time into it or any energy into it. But it often leads some more. More tension and a lot of dysfunction in the end.
And so my challenge to you is this, especially if you're not a planner, push through the discomfort of making a simple plan. It doesn't need to be too complicated. It doesn't need to take long. Just go ahead and push through it. And if it's helpful, you can write it out, you know, put it on paper, put it in your notes app or in your calendar, whatever that might look like.
And towards the end of this segment of the show, I'm gonna give you a little exercise that you can do to write out your plan. You'll just get some questions that you can use. If you answer those questions, you'll basically have a plan. It's really, really simple. All right, so now that you've made a plan, the next step is really simple as well.
And it's communicating that plan, which can be difficult. It's not easy. And so what this looks like basically is just talking to your parents, ideally in person. If it can't be in person, do it over the. If it can't be over the phone, do it through email or text message. And again, in person's best phone is next.
Email or text is last. And you can even write a letter if you need to, like, especially if you're maybe taking some time away spending with your parents because things are toxic or dramatic at home. You can just let them know like, Hey, here's why I'm doing this. I do love you, but I need some time away.
And in all your communication, make sure you're leading with your intention. For example, you can say, I wanna tell you this plan in advance to really set expectations and to make sure that we spend time together. It can be that simple. And so what do you wanna do here is just make sure that your parents know that each of them are part of the plan.
And some things you can say to kind of reassure them is, I wanna see you, I wanna spend time with you. Letting them know you want them to be a part of the plan. And now let's say you can't see both parents or maybe one parent. You can give the reasons why, at least in a diplomatic way. You can say, Hey, I just can't afford to make the trip.
Or, you know, I'm not in a spot where I can do that because it's really exhausting for me. Or it's just a little too much on me this year. Especially if you have a family, maybe you have little kids, you can just say, Hey, we can't make it this year. Or you can just say, Hey, I need a break this year. It's a, it's been a lot.
Everything we've been going through as a family, I need a breather this year. I wanna make sure that next year we can spend time together. I'll need to revisit that later, but I hope that we can, I hope we're in a better spot. And so just make it more about you than about them, because if you make it about them, kind of blaming them for what they've done, even if there's truth to it, they can get really defensive.
It can turn into this whole dramatic thing. And as you can tell with all these tips, part of that communication is really, again, being honest with your parents about how you're feeling. And this obviously assumes that you're in a spot where you at least can have a, a decent relationship with your parents and you can talk to them about what you're going through.
And sometimes, sadly, for a lot of us from broken families, uh, that's not the case. And so that brutal honesty and that vulnerability might not be possible. And even if it is, just understand that you're not gonna give your parents these warm and fuzzy feelings, especially if there's some boundaries you're putting in place that are new that they're not used to.
They're not gonna have warm and fuzzy feelings, but hopefully, They'll respect you for your honesty. They'll respect you for what you're doing, setting boundaries in, in a good, healthy, responsible way. And if they don't know that, I'm proud of, you know, know that you're doing the right things. Know that you're, you're speaking your truth and, and that's really all that you can do.
And how people react. Is that really outside of your control? Now, what if your parents are upset? Couple tips here. Stay calm. If they're freaking out, stay calm. Don't be tempted to kind of jump into the fray and maybe start yelling or getting aggressive as can sometimes happen with those of us who come from broken families.
So stay calm, take a deep breath and try to have compassion. Try to have some empathy. This is what I've learned from Margaret. You'll hear talking about this too. Think about, you know, Hey, what would I feel if I was in their shoes? You know, think about, okay, if I'm a parent, if I'm a mom or. And my kid doesn't wanna spend time with me or is limiting the time that I would spend with them.
Hopefully, you know, a responsible person should be respectful of that, but you can think, Well, I might be upset too. I would wanna spend time with my son or my daughter as well. And so I kind of get why they're upset, even if the way they're expressing that isn't very respectful. And then finally, you know, speak the truth.
Be honest, like I said before. You can tell them what you're thinking, what you're feeling. And as a part of that, one good tactic you can use is really just asking some good questions to kind of communicate your point of view. Um, in this whole conversation, some of the questions that you can ask are actually from an FBI negotiator named Chris Voss.
He wrote a great book called, Uh, Never Split the Difference, and he, he has a lot of great tactics that he offers. There's one main one that I. Touch on when it comes to conversations with your parents, and that is asking the question, How am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to do it? So if your parents ask you to do something that's maybe complicated or difficult or even I impossible, you can just ask that question, How am I supposed to do that?
And what you're looking for, by the way, is an answer for how you can actually do that, how you can make it work. But what usually happens is when things are unreasonable, the request is so impossible or difficult that there's no real way of doing it. So it kind of stumps the person who's making the request from you.
Again, it's not to be mean, it's really just to convey to them like, Hey, This is what you're asking of me. I don't really know how to do that. How am I supposed to do that? I'm waiting for a response. And so that's a great question you can ask. And then when it comes to other questions, just ask questions aimed at understanding and empathy.
So you can say things like, you know, Hey mom, hey dad. In your mind, what did you expect this year to look like? You know, help me understand this cuz you're obviously upset with what I'm saying, but what did you expect it to look like? Did you expect me to just spend time with you and not my dad? Then you can kind of have that conversation too, and it kind of brings to light maybe these unrealistic expectations that hopefully through asking again more good questions.
Um, the other person that the parent will. Um, understand kind of where you're coming from and see, okay, maybe I'm being a little bit unreasonable. Even if they don't, in the intensity of the conversation, hopefully later at night or the next day, they'll start to realize like, okay, I was being a bit unreasonable.
And a question I frequently use with my parents, by the way, is, if you were in my shoes, what would you do if your mom or dad were asking you what you are right now asking me? So again, like for example, if like dad were to say, I want you to only spend time with me this holiday season. It's like, Okay, dad, I want you to imagine you're me and you know, your, uh, dad is asking you this.
How would you feel? And what I've seen is it really forces them to put themselves in your shoes. And then they realize, Okay, yeah, maybe I am being a little bit unrealistic, or I'm demanding a lot from my kids because I just don't want them to spend time with my spouse, with their mom. And so, um, asking those good questions can really make the other person think.
So that's the second step, is just communicate that plan. And then the final step is really executing the plan. So sticking to the plan that you put in place. And again, you can adapt if needed. If there's good reason to do that, go for it. But part of the reason for having a plan is that you don't wanna allow someone else to take control of your time, of your plan and adapt it for you to maybe their benefit.
For example, let's say you get an invite or request from dad to attend some party and to see him during time that you're spending with your mom, right? And if that's the case, you can kind of point back to the plan. You don't even need to point to yourself. You can say, Hey, dad. We talked about this, this is the plan I'm spending time with Mom.
I, I look forward to seeing you in a few days or whenever you're gonna see 'em. And so you just remind them of the plan. It makes those conversations a lot easier. Even if they do get a little bit upset, you at least have something to point back to that you can communicate it ahead of time. And another thing I would say is learn from it as well.
So don't feel the need to have the perfect plan or perfectly execute that plan. Instead, you can look at this as sort of an experiment. So an experiment really to find the right balance between your parents or find the best solution for the holidays for you, and then you can then make some changes next year based on what you learned this year.
So pay attention to those lessons and don't feel the pressure to kind of have it all figured out right away. You're learning. We're all learning. And so, uh, take that mindset of kind of being an experimenter with this plan, with this holiday season. Just some final reminders. Don't feel guilty, okay? You didn't cause this situation in your family, and it might sound kind of callous to say that, but really one or both of your parents caused this to happen.
And so you shouldn't have to shoulder all the negative effects of it, especially during the holiday or really any time. And remember, you're not being mean to your parents. In fact, you're helping them too. You're helping them to build a healthier relationship with you by putting those healthy boundaries in place, by having this plan.
And again, what can you do if maybe you can't see one or even both parents, again, make sure you're spending time with another family or with friends so you're not just, there's not just this void of you being alone. And so it's ideal that you pick a family or a group of friends that you would want your future family to be like.
That's a really beautiful thing to do. And if you have kids, make sure you're protecting them. What can happen so often is you're so busy trying to please your parents, that your kids can just be exhausted and just really run down, and so don't sacrifice your kid's sanity. Just to please your relatives or your parents, Your immediate family is the most important thing.
Now, another thing, what if your parents are together at a party? This can be tricky. I've been in this situation, my siblings and I have been in this situation, and it can be pretty darn awkward, to be honest. And so in those situations, what I've learned is you really just have to surrender to the fact that you can't control your parents.
You can't control how they interact or who they, you know, talk to during that party. Or if they're interacting at all together. It can be weird again, especially if they're not on talking terms or there's just kind of a lot of tension there. Um, but you just kinda have to surrender the fact, Hey, I can't control this situation.
It is what it is. And, uh, kind of take that weight off your shoulder and if you need a break again, Do it, you know, hang out with other people or go for a walk at the party. Not a problem at all. Now what if you live at home, you might be able to spend a little extra time with the parent that doesn't live at home during the holiday season.
And so I, I'd suggest that, you know, speak with the parent that does live at home, kind of setting that expectation that, hey, you know, I'm gonna spend maybe a few extra days is not gonna be a perfect 50 50 split, um, between you and dad or you and mom. Um, so I just wanna set those expectations up front and explain, Hey, this is why I'm gonna be spending more time with them because dad doesn't live in town here.
You do. And so I definitely wanna make sure that I'm spending time with you, but it's gonna be a little bit skewed towards spending time with, you know, with Dad, for example. And a reminder for those of you who are married to someone from an intact family, You shouldn't have to split time evenly between your in-laws, your dad's side and your mom's side.
It shouldn't be a one third, one third, one third split. It should really be a 50 50 split to where your wife's side of the family, for example, gets 50% of your time and your side of the family gets 50% of the time. And then you would split that 50% in half between mom and dad, 25 to dad, 25 to mom, or honestly whatever percentage you want it to be cuz you are in control of this.
You don't have to, you know, be dictated to who you get to spend time with. You get to decide who you spend time with and so just keep that in mind because there can be this pressure. And then your spouse who comes from an intact family could feel cheated out because then their time with their family is cut short because of the fact that your family is broken.
And so that's not fair, obviously. So I would encourage you set the percentage that you want it to be. My wife and I do rotating holidays to where, you know, one year is my, uh, my side of the family. One year it's her side of the family and on my side of the family, we'll, you know, trade off between spending time with dad and spending time with mom.
And so I, I definitely encourage you to find that balance for you as well. And don't feel bad about, you know, dedicating that time to the intact family. There's nothing wrong with that. Like I mentioned here, a few questions that you can use to create your plan. And you can, again, if you wanna pause this right now, get out a pen and paper or just pull up the notes app on your phone to start writing down the answers to these questions.
The first question is, when will you spend time with each parent, if that's possible. The second who can you ask to be your swim buddy? Third, what three things should you do to take care of yourself? Four. What healthy distractions can you use in intense situations? Five. What predictable circumstances will come up and what can you say or do in them?
Six. What expectations and boundaries need to be set? Seven. If you can't be with your family, what can you do to experience some sort of community instead of your family? Eight. When and how will you communicate the plan? Nine. What can you say to lead with your intention and 10? What's your plan to respond if mom or dad get.
You can rewind to listen to those again if you want to, or you can just go to the show notes to get those questions. You could even copy them and paste them into your notes app and then just write the responses, uh, underneath them. And then you have your plan. It's just a matter of communicating that plan again and executing on that plan.
Again, the three steps are make the plan, communicate the plan, and then execute the plan. And again, you can get those questions@restoredministry.com slash 83 or just click on the link, uh, in the show notes to get those questions. Alrighty. So that wraps up the logistical side of the holidays. With that, let's turn to the emotional side.
Here's my conversation with former trauma therapists, Margaret Vasquez.
So Margaret, as we both know, coming from broken families ourselves, this could really be a difficult time of the year. The holidays can be a difficult time of the year to navigate for so many reasons, especially on an emotional level. There's just a lot of emotions that come up that can be difficult to deal with, that we might not have to deal with the rest of the year.
And so I'm excited to talk with you about, you know, kind of mastering our emotions in one sense, or maybe a better way of saying is become, you know, grow and self mastery of the actions that we take when we feel certain emotions. Maybe that's a better way to say it, but Yeah. I'm curious, do you have personal experience kinda navigating this?
Sure. Yeah. Thanks Joey. Yeah, it's such an important topic, right? And it's not, it's an important topic because if we pay some attention to it, it doesn't. It can really be helpful. It really can. And yeah, I have personal experience because, um, you know, coming from a difficult home situation and that was, that's something that.
I'm not gonna lie, like even to this day still something that I know doesn't look the same in my life, right? My Facebook pictures on holidays don't look the same as other people's Facebook pictures. What? At holidays, right? I mean, just to put it in real practical kind of stuff, You know, my Instagram pictures don't look the same.
And yet giving some thought to that ahead of time helps me in my, in my gut to feel better about that. I think for so many years, cause it was a difficult topic for myself, If something's difficult, it's like, okay, just pushing it outta my head. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. And then, but, but then it calms, you know, the calendar page is like, do get torn off, regardless of if you're thinking about it or not.
And so suddenly being there like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and like, Oh, I didn't think this through, and not thinking about it, didn't keep it away. And so then kind of the last minute either. Feeling like woefully unprepared or also at other times being invited to people's homes for holidays. I remember early days of that back when I was a g, even just a freshman in college and taking that as like, I'm just a charity case, right?
Mm-hmm. . And so then not even letting myself receive from people and yet, like in, in later years coming to understand that, that it was like a joy for them, like bright, Like they had so much joy, they just wanted to, to share. And it wasn't all like, you know, seeing me as like pathetic and so, so something that I needed to, like, protect myself from.
So I guess that's one of the things I, I learned along the way. But then also just the, the planning component and kind of thinking out ahead of time, like mm-hmm. what's gonna help me feel the most prepared and kind of in a lot of ways, like the most emotionally safe, you know, kind of going into. Whether it Thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever the holiday might be, What do, what do I need in order to be able to enjoy that or at least be able to, to get through it in a healthy way?
Yeah, and that's exactly what we wanna talk about in the segment of the show. And I can totally relate on so many levels with you. And I think all of us feel that resistance. If there's tension and drama in our family and the holidays just make us feel anxious or depressed or triggered in one way or another.
Angry honestly, or even embarrassed. Like that's something a lot of people have confided in me and that's like kind of embarrassing, like you alluded to this time of year. We're like, yeah, everyone else seems to have these families that are like these Hallmark style families and we're just like trying to survive right through, right through all of this.
And you know, some years are better. I'm sure some years are worse, but it certainly can be challenging when you come from a, a broken family to, to navigate all this, both on the logistical side as we've touched on, but also on the emotional side, which is why I'm really excited to talk with you.
Psychologists are around this term, the dysregulation. Mm-hmm. , I'm curious if you'd break that down a little bit. Cause that's what hap what happens to me a lot of times when I'm interacting with family, there's kind of tense situations. I feel dysregulated. So would you explain a little bit in simple terms for the common people like me, , to, to really understand like, what, what, what do we mean?
I say dysregulation, I simplify it for myself down to I feel like the emotions have me rather than I have the emotions. Right? And, and part of it can look like, or, or can feel like I actually even feel that physically as well, right? Like I feel my blood pressure, feel my pulse beating harder and my blood pressure maybe going up or feel my muscles tensing or my jaw clenching.
Maybe I'm waking up more with like, I'm, you've been like clenching my teeth during the night or my stomach. Tight or like those kind of things. You know, those kind of physical signals of there's stress going on here, whether I'm realizing it or not, but in the real time of being dysregulated, I think a lot of times it has physiological components that when the emotion feels like, like it has us rather than we are having a particular emotion.
No, that I love. That's a great way to put it. I love that you said that, and I can relate, you know, it kind of feels like you're in fight or flight mode. Is that the right way to think about it? Yeah, fight or flights probably a good way to look at it. Or just kind of like a wash, do you know what I mean?
Mm-hmm. like a wash and this emotion, like I'm like, I'm out to sea and I just being like tossed madly and like hard to even like think logically. Like that'd probably be a pretty good sign that, that the emotional part of my brain is like in high gear and so I'm not doing my. Problem solving. Just another, another reason to plan ahead , right?
Yeah. Yeah. And going back to that like resistance component where we don't want to think ahead to this, I didn't really finish my thought before, I apologize. It's if we kind of push ourselves through that in gentle ways, like starting small, break it down to small pieces and do that, there can be this great benefit of then yeah, coming, going into it prepared and then actually, you know, successfully navigating the challenges that come up or maybe needing to avoid them this year or something like that.
You know, depending on the situation or even perhaps enjoying the holiday season. Again, those can be some of the big benefits if we just kind of push ourselves to think ahead, to do the planning and to prepare like on an emotional level as well as a logistical level to, to handle all of this. I found that if you I push through that resistance and do this legwork, then it turns out better in the end, even though it's not very pleasant, maybe in the very beginning.
Yeah. And just on a real practical side of that, one of the things that I don't know for me personally, but uh, you know, whoever might wanna give this a try, I give myself permission to celebrate once the holiday is over. Right. So it doesn't just feel like I got robbed of being able to celebrate because I didn't have a perfect family situation and the whole rest of, you know, civilized society got to celebrate this holiday and, you know, so somehow just kind of like, you know, I'm outta luck, but instead like, okay, once it feels like.
Made it through, and whether it's the next day or the next weekend or whatever, like giving myself permission to celebrate in whatever, you know, usually it'd be like, have whatever I want to eat, you know, or go out to eat or something like that. So it's always about, I like that . Yeah. I'll just I love that kind of a reward for yourself at the end.
And I, I, I've learned that too, even with motivating yourself for anything in life, it's helpful to put it like a reward in front of you. Like, Okay, when I do this, well, I get that reward, but I don't get it yet. And so I, I like that idea. That's a great one. Yeah. I think for, for myself, God takes away some of the like shame or embarrassment that like, somehow I don't get to celebrate.
It's like, no, my celebration just comes at a different time. Nice. I like that in the intensity of these emotions, um, in these situations where we find ourselves, it's hard to, like you said, we feel like we're kinda washed the way at sea being tossed around. What are emotions trying to tell us? I always just look at it like emotions or information and, and I think if we look at it like that, then, then emotions don't have to be big and scary.
So I, I'll tend to look at it like if I'm having an emotion of anger, to me anger is usually about somebody's crossed a boundary of mine or if somebody I really care about, that's, that's when I tend to get angry. And I oftentimes see that and with people I. Or fear. If there's a sense of fear, then that's usually emotions telling us there's something here to be cautious about, which I think a lot of times is what's going on ahead where they have that dread, you know, would fall into that same category as the holidays approach.
Okay. There's something to be cautious about. There's some, Don't be cautious then about going into this situation unprepared without giving it some forethought or, you know, if I'm, Anxiety to me usually indicates that, that I'm getting into like self-reliance. I'm relying on myself instead of, instead of the Lord, instead of resources instead of other people who are, who really are support to me.
You know, and that kind of thing. My, my vision has narrowed down to every man for himself, you know, and I'm on my own kind of thing. So if we look at emotions as information, then they don't have to be scary because then they're. , there's still an, an eye of me that is able to pay attention to that information and respond to it in a practical and logical and compassionate way instead of suddenly like, I am that emotion.
Mm. That makes so much sense. And one thing I was thinking of in the past that I've had to deal with is I don't really know why I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling. And that could be difficult cuz it's like, man, I don't wanna be feeling this way. It's kind of tending, it's causing, not causing me. I don't wanna say that, but it's, uh, maybe triggering me to act in a certain way.
Like ultimately I'm the one in charge of my actions. But it might be, you know, I might be more inclined to do this or say that. Any advice for people who are like, well, well I guess on one end I don't know what I'm feeling. Sure. And on the other end, like, I don't know why I'm feeling. Yeah. Yeah. So, so I'd say always the, the first thing to go to is to like, to like regard that emotional part of yourself from a place of compassion.
And then, and the really cool thing, what that's gonna do is naturally help you to kind of zoom out from feeling that feeling so intensely that you, that you can't even, like, you know, kind of begin to wrap your head around it. And then once you kind of zoom out and are in that stance of compassion, then I always say like, our, our self talk, just like our talk with each other.
When, when somebody else is in a difficult emotional spot and they're sharing with us, if the order of our self-talk is to first validate the emotion, right? That doesn't mean necessarily agreeing with it or giving it like all the, you know, a hundred percent. This is the gospel truth like, but it's just, it makes sense that this part of me would feel that way.
That's what validating looks like, right? So validating the emotion, expressing compassion to myself and my own soul talk, and then speaking the truth. So then if there's something else, some other angle to kind of like illuminate or some other factor or something to weigh in, because emotions are information, but they're only one source of information.
So that's important to remember. So if there's other information I need to kind of factor in that from, from what we, what I would say is like the eye of me , that that is not that emotion, but responding to that emotion. Then I can weigh it in after I've validated the emotion and express compassion. But if we jump right to well, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah in our own self talk, then I think we tend to just get ourselves tied to knots and, and our emotions just tend to kind of like go underground, you know?
Yeah, no, I could see that. I remember end of high school, beginning of college, there was a period where I just felt very anxious and depressed at different times. And it was, at the time, I didn't have the language to identify what I was feeling. And so I'm curious there, um, aside from using this three point framework, is there anything we could do like better identify, like, Oh, I'm feeling this at this time, or is that just something that we have to learn through experience and there's no real way of kind of identifying what we're feeling?
Cause I know certain people are very in tune with their emotions. They know like, Oh, I'm upset, or, or not upsets too generic, but I'm angry about this. Or, you know, I feel violated or whatever. But others have a harder time identifying like what they're feeling. And then, like I mentioned, why they're feeling it too can be tricky.
Yeah, it's true. You know, what comes to mind? I don't know if there's a way, if, if you have a way to, to put this up or else, you know, um, I'll share this PDF with you as a pdf, but, or else people can look it up online. I'm sure there's, I'm sure you can find them, but I a in my office, I have a vocabulary of emotions and it's pretty cool.
Cause down the side it has like mild, moderate, strong. And then across the top it has, you know, happy, sad, scared, worried, anxious, has a lot of different, you know, maybe six or seven different emotions across the top. And so I think that can even be like, when I'm working with somebody in my office and they're having a hard time putting an emotion on something we're working on, they'll look through this vocabulary of emotions and oftentimes it seems like it's helpful.
I like that. So that's just like super practical. Yeah, no, let's put that in the show notes. So thank you for mentioning that and I think that will be really helpful as well. Um, moving on. So when we do feel that way, when we do feel dysregulated or upset, um, you know, kind of out of balance, like, like we were talking about, what, what are some healthy things we can do to deal with those emotions?
Cause I know what I see a lot is the temptation is always to do unhealthy things, to cope in unhealthy ways, what that looks like. A lot of different things for different people, but for some people it looks like isolating themselves. For other people it looks like eating too much for other people, it's drinking too much.
For other people, it's pornography. Like it runs the gamut. But I'm curious, what are some things that we can do that are healthy, that calm us, that help us deal with our emotions as opposed to these unhealthy ways of. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. Great question. So, so again, I'm gonna keep going back to planning, right?
But I'd say consider who you are, right? So whoever who are listeners, right? Consider who you are as an individual and what healthy looks like to you. So, um, like what helps you to get in a good place emotionally and stay in a good place. And, and then what also helps to return you to a place of calm. So for one person, it might be, it might be isolating, might just need like a time out from the chaos for somebody else that might, might be needing to have somebody you already planned ahead of time that you're gonna like, touch base with at a couple, two or three times throughout the day.
Just to be like, Hey, how's it going? You know, just say you have that sense of connection, right? You know, I'm big. With another person who, who understands who, who you feel like really understands the situation. And it doesn't mean that you have to have an extended conversation with them that takes them necessarily away from their family situation if they're at a different location.
But you just know that you, you kind of feel tethered right to, to another human being who gets it, somebody else with skin on. So for some people it might look like isolating. For some people it might look like touching base, you know, even a, even a text, just like somebody willing to reach out and say like, Hey, hanging in there.
Like, you know, that kind of thing. I think walking is always a great thing. Anything that's bilateral stimulation, not something, we tend to do it big holidays. Usually it's, it's eat a lot and then sit and watch football, right? isn't that kinda the American way? But honestly like anytime we're engaging both sides of our body, we're engaging both sides of our brain.
Which means it's, it kind of helps to, to kind of calm the right hemisphere of the brain because the, the left side's, the logical side, really big strokes. So yeah. So anytime we're, you know, whether it's biking or going for a walk or yeah. Whatever that looks like for anybody, different situations. But anytime we're doing something like that, even just planning in like a short bit of that can be really helpful.
So I'd say really looking ahead of time, like for me, working out is a really important thing, and honestly, if I start the day working out as opposed to using it as a response, that's even better for me. There's something about working out in the morning that feels like I'm, I'm really taking care of myself.
Like I'm really doing what I need to do in order to feel healthy and to feel like I'm going into the day with some sort of like self mastery, you know, kind of thing. Mm-hmm. , like, I'm really like, you know, kicking ass and taking names , so to speak. Right. So, yeah. So looking at you as a person and like what helps you feel kind of charged up that, that you're like, on your game when you're going into a situation?
No, I like that. And a few for me friends, like spending time with good friends, kinda like you mentioned mm-hmm. . Um, but even like, totally disconnected from talking about kinda what I'm going through. If I just spend like quality time with friends who are having like deep conversations or sharing a drink or something like that, that gives me life and helps me kind of be more of a master of my actions regardless of how I'm feeling.
That's one of them for me. Sports are another one for me. Like if I go play volleyball or hockey or something like that, it's uh, it's really helpful. It gives me life and again, makes it easier to kind of put up with and navigate some of these difficult emotions. A few other ones, uh, movies. I love stories.
I love good movies. Um, music and then like you said, working out as well, which kind of goes along with the sports stuff on the working out point. Just wanna hide this for our listeners. You. Might not be the type of person who works out a ton or works out intensely. And that's okay. The main thing here is movement.
Like do something like if you haven't done a pushup in like five years or maybe never, don't try to go do pushups. Like you could try if you want to , but just like go for a walk, right? Go for a bike ride. Like do something that, um, you're moving your body. You're not sitting on your couch, on your phone all the time, but it just gives you some sort of movement.
So that's one tip, uh, for you guys. But I love all these tips. Are there any specific tips in kind of emergency situations? So maybe you're in the midst of a really tense situation with mom and dad or a really dramatic situation. Like I've been in situations where like the police are involved with my family in the past and that those can be really tough situations.
You could feel all sorts of things. So any like tip one or two tips, uh, for in the midst of those situations, how to deal with your emotion? So, so there's something in counseling that's called grounding. And so grounding is getting us back essentially to like the here and now. And so anytime you stimulate the five senses, um, it can get you back to that spot.
So like, and I'd say doing it with intention, right? So a lot of the stuff we can tend to do incidentally, right? Like if somebody can be nervous and so they're kind of like playing with their keys, like jingling their keys, or if they're giving a talk, they're like, they might be kind of like fiddling with the edge of the page that they have their notes on or something like that.
But if we know what it's doing and we do it intentionally, it can increase that sense of autonomy and self-efficacy, right? Like that, that I'm the actor in my world and that I can be effective on myself and what I'm doing. And so, so it might be like getting a super cold bottle of water. And just like holding that and maybe even holding it against the skin on the, like the inside of your wrist, you know, like that skin can be like more sensitive or, you know, even up against your cheek, you know, you might wanna do something like that.
Or sucking on a mint, you know, or chewing gum or something. Again, like those, you know, stimulating like sense of, sense of touch, a sense of taste. Using those things to like intentionally bring you back to the here and now instead of the there and then of some past painful, full memory that might be coming to mind that might be like, you know, kind of triggered by the given situation or some anxiety about the future.
Mm-hmm. . Right? So using those things intentionally can bring us back. And I'd say if you're in the, the heat of a moment, like right there and you, you don't have any access to things like that, know that like you can take a step back. Like you can excuse yourself and go for a walk. Or even if you can't, if the weather is totally like terrible and you can't do that.
Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom, you know what I mean? Like do whatever you need to do to take a time out. And just knowing that you have the ability to do that I think can like really go a long way to helping ourselves have that, that sense of safety that can keep us from, from feeling so trapped in the situation.
And again, having like an emergency plan ahead of time. Again, it's kinda like a parachute, right? You don't wanna have to use it, but you're glad it's there in case . Yeah, No, I like that. That makes so much sense. And it's almost like physically removing yourself can give you that emotional break, which I love if I understand that.
Right. And then also you mentioned something about sparkling water, it can actually be calming on like a lymphatic level, right? Like it could actually calm your nerves, right? Yeah. So. So Dr. Friend of mine, chiropractor, nutritionist guy, said the bo, the place in the body that releases the second highest amount of serotonin is actually the back of the throat.
Now, serotonin is one of the feel good hormones, and it's usually associated with a sense of importance. So like when, when we graduate, you know, we get our diploma or when we get our, uh, you know, when it's sports banquet and you get your award and that kind of thing, and that, that kind of, that sense of pride, that sense of importance.
So you can access that same hormone by sipping on sparkling water or really any, anything that's carbonated. You just don't wanna be drinking a bunch of really sugary drinks and like sending your blood sugar all over the place. So if you're drinking like sparkling water or, um, club soda or something like that and, and sipping on it, right?
So you have that kind of like continual stimulation of the back of the throat. It's the, the fizzy feeling, right? The carbonation causes that serotonin to be released. There's another thing with like endorphins. So, um, endorphins is another feel good hormone, and that's actually stimulated by pushing past our physical limits, which we talked about that a little bit with exercise or, or what have you.
But also dark chocolate releases. Endorphins causes release of endorphins. So it's like the high quality stuff. Like I don't, I don't think A Three Musketeers is gonna do it if you get some like higher, higher percentage of kacal or whatever in it, but it causes a release of Endor. So have like a dark chocolate bar and some sparkling water
You'll be happy person. . There you go. So you're basically saying all you need to navigate the holidays is chocolate. That's, that's pretty much it. I mean I think a lot of women are life actually. . Yeah. And guys too. I mean that sounds amazing to me. But I know, I know my wife would appreciate that she loves star chocolate.
Yeah, no, great tips. And I love how practical they are. And just closing out the show, is there anything we can do to prevent ourselves from becoming dysregulated, aside from the planning that we've mentioned a few times? And if not, you know, if we can't prevent that, how can we at least become regulated again more quickly to where we feel that sense of like balance emotionally?
Yeah. So honestly I would just, I would. Kind of summing up, I guess, if you will, the things we've talked about. So having the plan ahead of time not only provides you with the information, but it provides you with a sense of preparedness. And so it kind of like reiterates to your own consciousness that there is an eye of you that's outside of the emotions, right?
Like there's a Joey and there's a Margaret, that that still remains like, regardless of if I, if I get really fearful or if I get really angry or whatever. And from that place, you're planning. So, so it, it kind of like grows your, what we would call true self, right? It kind of like grows that like, Oh, I can do this and I can take care of this and I already have this planned for.
And then just keeping like, you know, I mentioned the grounding techniques, like maybe even like going into whatever the place is. You know, whether it's a friend for or, or a family for holiday, but throw some mints in your pocket. Throw some come in your, in your pocket, you know? Mm-hmm. , even plan those things out a little bit ahead of time.
And then having a person on the other end who's gonna be there to, to, you know, answer your text or to get together, like you said, even doesn't mean if we spend time with family that we have to spend the entire day. So maybe there's, maybe keep something at some point in the day that you have to look forward to, to kind of counterbalance and, and if you don't have people or a place to do that with, like, at least planning in something that's fun for you.
Like you had mentioned like movies. And then, and then finally like, just kind of going back to the beginning, like giving yourself permission to celebrate, having gotten through the holiday once you're through, through the holiday, because it is difficult. And so I think, um, giving ourselves permission to celebrate that is, Is important.
I think it acknowledges the difficulty of what we've gone through as opposed to like, you know, feeling like, oh, well somehow this is just the package deal of being me, but like kind of, it's kind of the attaboy or at a girl for like having gotten through something that like maybe not everybody has to get through and kind of celebrating that as an achievement instead of just kind of enduring it as part of my lot in life.
Mm-hmm. . Okay. No, that makes so much sense. Thank you so much Margaret. Appreciate your time. And just in closing, any tips or encouragement that you'd give on Yeah, just overall how to. Take care of yourself during this time of year? Anything addition, additional that you would add into what we've already talked about?
Yeah, I would definitely add that, you know, even as you and I have shared right, that, that this is something that's part of our history and maybe, um, maybe part of current situation and that there are other people who are in that same category, that it doesn't say something. I guess what I'm trying to say is like, it doesn't say something about you as a person.
There's not some like failure. You're not less than anybody. There should, There's no shame that goes along with that. It's a, it's a set of circumstances that, that aren't who you are. There's something that you're enduring and. I would just really wanna like alleviate that for people because there's no, there's no real like, truth in that and like caring.
This is like somehow I'm less than other people. I'm, you know, I guess maybe kind of along those same notes or the, that same line, like maybe if, if you can foresee it being difficult for you, like, That you're in a lot different boat maybe than some people on during the holidays. Maybe like staying off of social media for the day might be a good thing, so you're not looking at everybody else's posts of how different their family situation might be from years.
Just thinking that might be a good plan
if you've wanted to do counseling or coaching, but maybe you've struggled to find someone to work with. We can actually help Margaret, who you heard in this episode actually. Coaching, which is similar, a little bit different than counseling. Now, first thing you should know is Margaret is extremely competent.
I've actually personally gone to her, uh, as a therapist and she's been so, so helpful. She's been the best therapist I've ever gone to. I've been to a bunch. And not to say the others were bad, she was just the best. She's so good at what she does and like I had mentioned, she's has over 16 years of experience as a trauma therapist, and she recently made the pivot from counseling into coaching.
And so she's able to work with a lot more people. There's certain things she can't do, um, but she's still able to help in tremendous ways and she offers that service virtually, uh, wherever you're at through, you know, phone calls or Zoom meetings and her pricing by the. Is very reasonable. I've never seen anything like it.
And so you definitely wanna check this out. If you'd like to work with her, it's really easy to do. So just go to her website. It's called Sacred Heart healing ministries.com. And if you don't remember that, that's okay. We'll put the link in the show notes, just click on that link. Uh, that's the first step.
Second step is. Uh, if you see a popup for coaching slash consulting, just click schedule session. And if you don't see that popup, then just go to services, the services menu on that page and then click Coaching and consulting. And I apologize if at some point in the future this changes and it looks a little bit different.
And then the final step is just fill out the assessment form. It takes, uh, you know, somewhere around five minutes and then submit it, and then Margaret or her team will reach out to you to schedule your first session. Again, that's sacred Heart healing. ministries.com or just click on the link, uh, in the description or in the show notes.
And again, I highly recommend working with Margaret. And if nothing else, I would say is, you know, if you've struggled to find a good counselor coach, give Margaret a shot. Just do the initial, uh, session. Do the initial, you know, first do the intake, and then if you know you get approved to work with her, then go ahead and do that initial session.
Just see how it goes. It's a great investment for you to just try it out. And if that goes well and you continue working with her, I'm, I'm so confident that you're gonna see some great results in your life. So I couldn't recommend it more. Again, click on the link in the show notes if you wanna work with Margaret Vasquez.
If you want more content on this topic, you can check out these episodes. Episode four seven, Tips to Navigate The Holidays for Children of Divorce, Episode 32, How to Navigate the Holidays, Advice from 11 Children of Divorce, and then episode 59 from a Broken Family. Nine Tips to Navigate the Holidays, and as mentioned, feel free to join our online community@restoredministry.com slash community, or just click on the link in the show notes.
Thank you so much for listening. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents' divorce or broken marriage, especially during the holiday season, please share this podcast with them. And always remember, you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.
