#059: From a Broken Family? 9 Tactics to Navigate the Holidays
Are you from a broken family? If so, you know how challenging the holidays can be. Not only is it difficult to balance time between mom and dad, but we also have to deal with any family drama. Instead of enjoying the holidays, many of us just can’t wait till they’re over.
But there is good news: it doesn’t always have to be that way. In this episode, you’ll hear 9 tactics that you can use to navigate the holidays and hopefully, enjoy them again. It won’t make them perfect, but it will make them better.
Buy Joey’s book: It’s Not Your Fault: A Practical Guide to Navigating the Pain & Problems from Your Parents’ Divorce (affiliate link)
Links & Resources
Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through the links on this page, your purchase will support Restored at no additional cost to you. Thank you!
To leave feedback, comment below or contact us.
Listen to episode 32: How to Navigate the Holidays: Advice from 11 Children of Divorce
Enjoy the show?
To be notified when new episodes go live, subscribe below.
As a bonus, you’ll receive the first chapters of our new book, It’s Not Your Fault: A Practical Guide to Navigating the Pain and Problems from Your Parents’ Divorce.
TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
If you come from a broken family, I don't have to tell you how challenging the holidays can be. Not only do we have to balance the logistics of spending time with mom and dad, but we also have to deal with any family drama intention, and it can truly make the holidays painful instead of enjoying them.
So many of us just can't wait until they're over. And I get it. I've experienced this myself many times, but there is good. It doesn't always have to be that way. In this episode, you'll get nine tactics that you can use to navigate the holidays and hopefully enjoy them again. Now, I can't promise you that if you do these things, that your holidays will be perfect, but they will be better.
So keep listening.
Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents' divorce. Separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Elli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 59. I wanna jump right into the content. The content you're about to hear is from my new book.
It's not your fault, a practical guide to navigating the pain and problems from your parents' divorce. And at the end of the episode, I'll tell you how you can get the book if you want it. And I even have a free offer for you by the. There's mention of God in this episode, if you don't believe in God, you can just ignore that part.
I promise that you'll still benefit from this episode, even if you take that part away. So my challenge for you is to listen with an open mind
question 15. What's your advice for navigating the holidays and other life event? During the holidays coming from a broken family is even more difficult. It's a stark reminder that your parents aren't together and your family is broken. It's common to feel alone and uncertain of how to deal with it all logistically it is challenging to balance time between each parent and twice as many festivities, especially if they don't live in the same area, it's easy to feel pressure to choose sides and pick between parents while you try to make everyone happy.
It becomes overwhelming to balance everyone's desires and expectations. If the divorce was relatively recent, the drama intention might be especially high, which makes it all the more challenging instead of enjoying the holidays. You dread them. But my hope is that the advice below will be handled the season and even experience some holiday joy.
Again. First, remember that it's not your responsibility to make everyone happy. It's not your job to fix your parents. It's not your job to clean up the mess inside your family. Although you love your parents, you have to remember that your parents got themselves in this situation. Now they need to deal with the consequences.
You can't change them. You can't change your family. Sure. You can positively influence them. But within limits, don't feel ashamed about spending time with one parent during the holidays. You're not portraying the other parent. You deserve a relationship with both parents around this time of year, especially your parents and other people might expect you to put on a good face and be happy.
That's not right. You should never have to pretend to be happy in the midst of a difficult situation. Remember that you can't make everyone happy, nor should you try when you try to make everyone happy, you'll end up making no one happy and yourself miserable. Second set and enforce healthy boundaries.
Boundaries. Define what you like and dislike what you're willing and unwilling to do the rules that inform people how to treat you in a way they're like the out of bounds markers on the sports field. When it comes to the holidays. It's okay to lay down those rules with your parents. Boundaries, give people the option to self-select out from a relationship with you.
If they are not follow. So think through what you will allow and not allow. For example, you can tell dad that you won't talk to him about mom, or you can set rules about how much time you'll spend with each parent. This holiday season boundaries are especially important to protect you from manipulative people who want to control you for their own benefit by using fear, guilt, or sense of obligation.
If you're faced with someone like that. Back out of the situation or confront them and be clear that you won't allow this to happen. It takes courage, but in the long run, it is worth the discomfort. As part of your preparation, be prepared for the predictable circumstances that will arise a conflict with a specific relative dad or mom bringing their new partner to the party or whatever else.
Prepare for what you'll say and how you'll handle those situations. One option is to avoid the situation altogether. Another is to prepare polite yet from talking points. So you're not taken by surprise. It doesn't have to be complicated. It just takes some forethought. Lastly, boundaries need to be enforced.
If you tell someone this is the boundary and they break it, there need to be consequences without them. They'll ignore your boundaries next time. Be ready to enforce any boundaries. You. Third communicate ahead of time. Make a plan for the holidays and tell your parents avoid spending time with both parents on the same day on Thanksgiving.
Perhaps you spend it with your dad on Christmas. Perhaps you spend it with your mom, but the day following each holiday, you can have us. Second celebration with the other parent. This prevents you from becoming emotionally exhausted, which you have a duty to avoid. Similarly, you have every right to express your feelings to your parents.
Be honest and tell them your needs. You can say, I love you, but it can be really hard around the holidays to please you both and not offend you. I need you to understand my decisions, my boundaries, and understand that the tension in our family makes it difficult to enjoy the holiday. Set expectations well in advance.
So nothing comes as a surprise. Tell both parents when you'll see them and for how long, if you live at home, this can be extra difficult. You might not be able to leave a party, but even in that case, communicate what you are and are not comfortable with. Do what's within your power to enforce those boundaries.
Even if they won't respect them. In some cases, you may even need to take a break from visiting certain family members during the holiday. And may benefit from being around other families to remind you that there can be stability that you long for. And so deserve fourth, take owner. While you didn't cause the situation, you can choose how to handle it.
Well, even amidst the drama intention, you can choose your response, do what you can with what you're given, avoid being the victim who blames and never takes responsibility for what's in their control. One way to take ownership is to plan distractions from the drama, such as watching a movie, spending time with friends, playing games or another wholesome activity that relieves some of the tension and.
Avoid isolating yourself for extended periods of time. As much as you can taking a walk to get a breather is okay. Locking yourself in your room for hours at a time is not fifth. Be virtuous in each situation. Do your best to respond well. Be diplomatic, be the better person. Apologize when you make mistakes.
Keep in mind that your parents are learning to navigate the holidays too. So give them some grace, do your best to be kind loving and polite, but don't be a door. If someone mistreats, you stand up for yourself, play your role in keeping the peace. But remember that you can only play a part you're not solely responsible for keeping the peace.
Most of all, do your best. Not to allow other people to determine your peace and happiness, make the decision to keep your calm, whatever the circumstances in difficult moments, or remember to take a breath. Pause to think and detach from the intensity of the emotions before you act by doing that, you'll make better decisions about what to do and say next sixth, make a plan to take care of yourself.
The holidays are emotionally exhausting. If you don't take care of yourself, you might end up doing something you'll regret and in an attempt. To fill your needs. Think ahead. About the difficult emotions you might feel, have one or two ways to calm yourself if you're anxious or to experience some joy. If you feel down and depressed, see question 14 about coping in healthy ways.
Instead of unhealthy ways, having a plan goes a long way. When you feel out of sorts because of the tension, drama, or sadness around the holidays, in the middle of parties or gatherings, don't hesitate to step away for a breather. If you need to leave, then do. Whatever you do allow yourself to feel your feelings work through them, pay attention to them and learn from them, ignoring them or stuffing them away only makes things worse.
The only way to heal and grow is by moving through those negative and messy emotions. Ask someone to be there for you during the holidays. So you can talk about it all. Don't do this alone. Seventh focus on the celebration, focus on the meaning of the holidays. For example, on Thanksgiving, reflect on what you are grateful for.
Even in the worst situations, you can always find something you are grateful for. It's so easy to lose the meaning of the holiday in the midst of the drama intention, but refocus when needed. Appreciate the little things, especially the food, your siblings, or your pets, keep in mind that you might need to lower your expectations for the holidays.
Unfortunately, you might not feel the same joy, safety and security with your parents anymore. In the midst of that, try to focus on the celebration and the meaning of the holiday eighth, ask God for help. Again, don't do it alone. God sees your pain. He wants to be there for you. Let him during that family party, when you feel.
Tell Jesus about it, know that he doesn't want it to be this way. Either trust that he is not finished with you or your family while the divorce or separation is devastating, God can bring good even out of evil. Perhaps you'll never see that in your family, but you can see it in your own life trust that he isn't finished with you lean on him when things are difficult during the holidays.
Ninth learned from it. All, whatever happens in life, there are always lessons to learn. See it as an opportunity to become a better, stronger person. Think about the lessons you can use in the future, especially to build your own family holiday traditions in your family might die because of the divorce.
That's hard to swallow. But remember that you can start your own traditions, especially if you have your own family or soon will a new tradition might look like spending time with another family or friend. If your family is toxic, be intentional about who you choose to spend time with. Ideally choose a family that models what it means to be a true and good family, the kind you want for your future and making your own traditions think back on what you loved or what you missed out on, make a list of things you wanna do for your own kids.
If you simply drift through the holidays without a plan or preparation, then it's likely the drama tension and dysfunction will overwhelm you. Given that it's completely understandable to dread the holidays, but there is a better way. Use the tips above to reduce the drama and enjoy the holidays. Again, have hoped that you're not doomed to experience holiday distress forever.
You can experience the peace and joy you desire during the holiday season. For more tips on navigating the holidays. Listen to episode 32 of the resort podcast at ReSTOR. Dot com slash 32. If you'd like a private place to talk about the challenges that you face during the holidays, join our private and free online community.
It's built for people like us. It'll help you feel less lonely. Get advice from people who've been through your experiences and challenge you to grow into a better. Stronger person join in three easy steps at restore ministry.com/community.
One question that you can think on is what can you do today? To prepare for the holidays. Think back through the tactics that you heard in the episode, and then make a simple plan to put them into action. As I mentioned, the content you just heard is from my new book, which is live on Amazon. It's titled it's not your fault, a practical guide to navigating the pain and problems from your parents' divorce.
The sad truth is that for a lot of teens and young adults who come from broken families, The most traumatic thing that they've endured is their parents' separation or divorce, but nobody shows them how to handle all the pain and problems that stem from their family's breakdown. And without that guidance, they continue to feel alone and struggle in serious ways with emotional problems, unhealthy coping relationships, struggles, and so much more.
And I experience these problems firsthand. I know what it's like. It shouldn't be this way. It's not your fault. My new book is an answer to that problem. It features 33 questions and answers on the most pressing challenges. By teens and young and adults who come from broken families, such as after my family broke apart, I felt abandoned, unwanted and adequate, and even rejected is something wrong with me.
How do I avoid repeating my parents' mistakes and build a healthy marriage and so much more? The content itself is based on research, expert advice and real life stories. After reading, it's not your fault. Teens and young adults will learn how to handle the trauma of their parents' divorce or separation, how to build healthy relationships, how to overcome emotional pain and problems.
They'll learn healing tactics to help them feel whole again, how to navigate their relationship with their parents, how to heal their relationship with God and how to make important decisions about their future. To buy the book or get the first chapters free. Just go to restored ministry.com/books.
Again, that's restored ministry, ministry, singular.com/books. Or just click on the link in the show notes. The resources mentioned are in the show notes@restoredministry.com slash 59. Thank you so much for listening. If this has been useful for you, feel free to subscribe, but most importantly, if you know someone who's struggling from their parents' separation, divorced, broken marriage, share this podcast with them, especially if they're struggling at this time of the year with all the holidays, go ahead and share this podcast with them.
And always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel hold again and become the person that you were born to be.
