#032: How to Navigate the Holidays: Advice from 11 Children of Divorce
The holidays are especially challenging for anyone with separated or divorced parents. So many of us dread this time of the year. We often feel alone and uncertain of how to deal with it all.
To offer practical guidance, some of our audience submitted voice memos to answer this question: What’s one tip you’d give to teens or young adults from divorced or separated families on navigating the holidays?
This episode contains that advice. By listening and implementing the tips, our hope is that you’ll reduce the drama and enjoy the holidays again.
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#031: My Parents’ Divorce Made Me Crave Belonging | Carlie Spaulding
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
Welcome to the Restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents' divorce or separation so you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pontarelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode thirty 2wo and today we're mixing it up a little bit. We asked our audience to submit their advice through voice memos.
We asked them this question. We said, what's one tip that you'd give teenagers and young adults who come from broken homes, whose parents are separated or divorce on navigating the holidays. And this podcast, this episode contains those tips. Now, most of you already. The, the holidays can be especially challenging for anyone with separated or divorced parents.
A lot of us feel alone and uncertain of how to deal with it all. Instead of experiencing the, the joy, the holidays that we're supposed to, we often feel torn between our parents. Uh, maybe we feel overwhelmed or frustrated sometimes even embarrassed. And most of the time just sad that things are so broken in our family.
And I get it. Been there. My parents separated when I was 11 and they later got divorced. And so my siblings and I have had to deal with all this especially deal with the holidays. We've, you know, of course tried to be fair to both of my parents. Uh, but sometimes we maybe feel pressured to, to please both parents, uh, or feel pressured to pick sides and all the other fun stuff that comes along with this.
And it shouldn't be this. I really shouldn't be this way. And I'm so sorry that you're going through this, especially those of you, maybe your parents just separated or they just got divorced and this wound is kind of fresh for you. I'm really sorry that you're going through this. And again, I get it. I understand it.
And we exist for you. We are here for you. So that's the good news. You're not alone. And I know that the advice today in this episode is going to help you. You're gonna walk away with some practical tips, things that you can implement, things that you can use to navigate the challenges that this time of the year.
Springs and hopefully you'll be able to avoid, or at least handle the drama and enjoy the holidays again. And at the end, we'll tell you about a free private online community that you can join to find support, especially during this time of the year. But first let's dive into the advice.
Hi, this is Carly from. And navigating the holidays with divorced parents is never easy. Sometimes it can seem like there's so many conflicting interests in different places to go all in one day. And it may seem like the holidays are just more exhausting than they ever are fun. But one piece of advice I was, I would give is someone whose parents have divorced since I was five, is to work it out with your parents where maybe you can spend an entire day with one parent on a holiday.
And then the next day with the other parent, for instance, my dad doesn't love Christmas as much as he loves Thanksgiving. And my mom's the other way around. So growing up, I always spent Thanksgiving day with my dad and Christmas day with my. And then I would go to the other parent the day after I know sometimes it can feel like there might be pressure to go to both places in one day or even pressure in terms of jealousy of another parent or another family member.
Um, but I would say stay strong because you don't owe anyone. Anything your parents's divorce is not your fault. Therefore you are not responsible for keeping your parents from having hurt feelings over which house you choose to spend a holiday at. Remember that you were strong and that even though it can really hurt and be hard to disappoint someone that you never owe anyone, anything, and the holidays can still be a peaceful, happy, exciting family, filled time.
Even with your situation, know that I'm here for you. If you ever need to talk and feel free to email me, if you need to.
You may recognize Carly from episode 31, where she came on and she shared her story of how her parents' divorce has affected her. If you wanna get in touch with her, you can go to restored ministry.com/ 31. Again, that's restored ministry ministries to singular.com. Slash three one. And her email is on that page and she reminded me of something.
A, another friend of mine said, uh, his parents are, are divorced and his wife's parents are divorced and now they have little kids. And he said, uh, one year, maybe a few years, they, they tried going to, to both. Parents' homes. Uh, I don't know if it was both sides or just one side. I think it was just one side.
And you said even that was exhausting. And so just like Carly said, it can be really helpful to just pick one day for one parent and then do the next day for the other parent. And if you need to separate it by weekends, whatever. Totally fine. And so I love Carly's advice and another thing she said, Really gave hope to me was that the holidays can still be beautiful.
They can still be joyful. Like they don't need to be sad and depressing all the time. Maybe they are right now, especially if this is fresh for you, if it's new for you, but it doesn't always have to be this way. But an important thing to keep in mind. Is that it may take some work to get there, not just by you, but by everyone involved.
And the truth is the hard truth is that you can't control everyone. You can only control, you can only change you. And so I have hope do what you can do. What's in your power to, to make the holidays beautiful, to make them joyful again. And I hope that in the end, uh, not only you, but everyone in your family can experience that too.
I know things won't be the same. We'll go back to what they were, but you can't experience the joy of the holidays.
Hi, I'm Elise from Portland, Oregon. And I like to start this off by saying that, especially during the holiday season, it's so easy to look at other families and wish that your family was like theirs or wish that your whole family was under the same roof. and a good example of the sugar coated family is a Macy's holiday commercial.
You know, it's all smiles and color coordinating clothes, and it all seems too perfect. Right? Well, it's sugar coated and it's not real. what is real and what's genuine is what you've gone through. you've gone through a lot and it's hard. It's, it's not easy at all. Anyone that tries to tries to normalize divorce and to this easy thing, it's not.
And thinking about those sugarcoated families, it's really easy to ask yourself, what am I missing instead of asking what you're missing? What have you gained? I. We've all gained experience from this and lessons and things. We we'd wanna teach our future kids someday or something that will at least make our marriages a little easier.
Now that we've gone through this, we've gone through lots of experience and life lessons and things that have changed our perspective of the world. And, you know, sometimes that can be negative or positive. and during the holiday season, it's really easy to be sad or wish that certain people were there with you and wonder things.
But instead of doing that, try to be thankful for who is there for you. Try to be thankful for those who stick around. I mean, we've all, we all have someone, whether it's still your mom or your dad or a sibling. Or, you know, a pet . I mean, it's the little things and yeah, it's cliche to say that, but it's true.
It is the little things in life are so important and your family is a huge, huge thing. And it's, it's a hard thing to have to see your family break apart, but you are not breaking apart. You're learning things and you're going through new things and it's hard. Trust me, but. It's so important to not stray away from the fact that you're still loved.
There are so many reasons to be thankful. Think about the food you're going to eat during the holidays that is fun or gifts you get to give, or you receive little things like that. And. Try to focus on the people that are still there for you. And don't aim for a Macy's holiday commercial family. I mean, ho hopefully you guys know what I mean.
If you look up the commercials, you probably know, um, don't ask yourself, what am I missing? Think about what you have gained, what you have learned through all of this. So that next holiday season will, will be even better. Life's not perfect. Life. Isn't sugar coated. These are all genuine experiences you've gone through.
And instead of dwelling in it and being sad and wishing your family was something different, try to learn about and try to wonder what you've gained, because that is very important and just be thankful for what you still have. And the fact that you're still here sees are said than done. um, by promise it makes a difference.
So, uh, thank you for having me or listening. um, Yeah, I hope this comes in handy for anyone. And I really do hope that this holiday season is better or easy. And if it's not, I'm here for you in any way. And yeah.
All right. Would you believe me if I told you that Elise is only 15, maybe 16 years old? I, I always tell her that she has wisdom beyond her years and, and I loved hearing from her. She's a part of restores online community and she she's just incredible. Uh, one of the things I love that she said is how we need to use what we've learned.
From this really painful, difficult experience of our family breaking apart, uh, to build our future families. And one of the ways, honestly, that, that we can find resolution to this problem in our life is doing just that is building our future families, our future marriages, uh, or the families and marriages around us, helping them to, to survive and thrive, especially when things.
And get difficult. Uh, another thing she said that I loved was just about gratitude, just being grateful for the little things. And as you can tell, she was very balanced in acknowledging how difficult it can be to go through this. But at the same time, encouraging us to, uh, be grateful to, to be thankful for the good things that we have in our lives.
And all of us have something to be grateful for, like she said. And so, yeah, that's our, our challenge too, like Elise said, and I'm, I'm gonna join with her saying, what can you be grateful for? And I know for me, It's been so helpful to, to find those things in my life. And it's honestly made me a happier person.
And that's what the research shows as well. People who are grateful, people who practice gratitude are happier. They're less stressed. They're they're just better off in life. And so go ahead and practice gratitude.
Hi, this is Leanne from Phoenix. I'm gonna go through just a couple of very difficult things that can happen during the holidays and maybe ways we can, um, we can handle those things. Um, so one of the things is that we tend to dread the holidays, right? So , we just have, we feel lost. We feel disappointment.
We, we don't. Feel the connection with family that we want to feel. And so we've just learned to dread the holidays and, uh, that becomes a habit that goes on through life. So if you started to do that, or if that's a very entrenched habit, you might wanna think about, do you really want to do that? Do you want to maybe give yourself permission to enjoy part of the holiday?
And just have a, um, the relationships with people that you can have and, and allow those things to grow and just have a pleasant time, but not expect that everything's going to be healed and fixed all on, on one holiday. And if it doesn't, then it's gonna be awful because this is the way, uh, a lot of adult children of divorce and separation tend to think about holidays.
It's going to really put everything on display. And we, um, we have these expectations from our, the loss that we felt in our lives, and we want that connection and that love, but really we can also just decide that we wanna have a pleasant holiday and that is, uh, something that will help build memories and help heal relationships.
Um, the most important thing, when you're thinking about how you're interacting with other people is that you need to have a firm understanding that you are an unrepeatable beloved child of God. You are a treasure and you are a gift and. Um, other people's behaviors, their ability to love capacity to love their, their understanding of right ordered relationships, their, um, their capacity for, for, um, for vulnerability, with other people and just all of the things that are needed for, for relationships.
Um, that, um, should not define us. That is what's going on with them. That is not us. So our value is independent of that, and we don't want our happiness, uh, in life to be always hooked on someone. Else's. Uh, whether they're doing well, whether they're in a healthy relationship, whether they're giving, uh, us the, the love that we need, uh, in that relationship, you know, the childhood relationship or, or that sibling relationship, we put a lot of, uh, of our own happiness, um, in connection with how someone else is doing.
And that's not wise because we can choose to be happy and choose to do things, um, that heal relationships and work on relationships. Irrespective of how other people are doing. We might have to spend a little time less connected to them, but, um, we wanna make sure that we're not having our entire happiness built on how someone else is doing and how, how they're treating us.
We don't want, we don't want that to happen. So, um, another thing that we can do is consider some of the behaviors that occur often in family gatherings and prepare for them. So don't take the bait when, with that one person who always wants to argue , um, perhaps if there is. uh, a relationship where there there's a lot of, um, disagreement and there's a lot of, uh, tension and maybe, um, you, the family situation, when it broke up, it caused all kinds of problems that are just constantly there with that person.
That's difficult. How do you interact with that person? Or how do you interact in a more difficult situation where, where let's say your dad brings this new girlfriend to a holiday event, right? How do you, how do you interact and, and what do you do? And that can. Us to be sort of paralyzed and not know how we're going to react.
Um, and we don't wanna be maybe too friendly because that would be maybe disloyal to the parent. That's not there. And other people will be listening and they have different ideas and that's gonna cause this problem. And it all gets so complicated and we really get up in our heads and get confused about all of it and it, it can be very paralyzing.
So one thing to consider is just the viewpoint that you have about how you're gonna handle these interactions. Really you're a decent person and decent people are civil. And they're kind and they're considerate and they're respect. and if you can do that and we can all do that, right. Respect, kindness, consideration, just being civil.
We can all do that. Right. So if, if, if you have to meet this person and everybody's pretending like it's okay and you're not feeling it's okay, you'd like to just give this new girlfriend a piece of your mind and whatever, obviously now is not the time. And so what you could say is. I'm going to be civil and kind and, and, um, and, uh, considerate.
Uh, hello. It's nice to meet you. Uh, perhaps over time, we'll get to know one another. I'm going to go get something to eat, and I hope you have a really enjoyable time tonight. And if more conversation comes up later, you can interact, uh, in what might be termed a shallow way, but that's okay because you're not looking for a best friend.
You're looking for a way to, to be pleasant where you're, you know, you're not, um, upsetting your father. You don't maybe want to do that and you don't. So, you know, how do I do all of this? Well, you don't have to figure all that out. They caused this, right? So all you need to do is be civil and kind and respectful and considerate.
And. and, you know, sometimes people have to live with the consequences of their actions. So, um, that's, that's really not about you. Um, and so, you know, there, there are other things that happen in, in families where people give you give, um, certain people, certain roles. So let's say someone does something really awful or says something really awful.
And they expect you, your role is to go fix it. You know, you can decide you don't wanna do that anymore. You can say, you know, that person just said something awful and it's gonna cause a big problem. Maybe one day he'll learn to not do that. But if that doesn't mean that I need to get involved. So we just wanna think ahead a little bit about what might happen.
First of all, just remember that you are a valuable person, irrespective of how anybody is treating you. And, um, that's a trap that we just tend to fall into. And so we wanna avoid that. And just, um, think of some situations that might come up and how you wanna handle them. And some, maybe some things to say if things get difficult.
Um, so yeah, I'm hoping we can all look back on these holidays and have handled those difficult things well and allowed ourselves to feel a little bit of joy because, um, we deserve that. So I hope you have a good holiday season with your family, to the extent that you can.
I think of a lot of us need the reminder that it's okay. If we're not with our family. For a certain holiday. Maybe we just need a second. And I know for some of you, that's not possible, right? You, you live with your family, you have to be with them. Uh, but maybe there is some leeway there where you can take some time to be with a family friend or something else.
But I know for a lot of you, you can't do that. Uh, but for some of you, you can. And so, yeah, I just encourage you to, to take that time if you need it, if things. In your family are just really toxic. It's not good for you to be there. Take that time. It's okay. Well, Leanne brought up about, you know, a new girlfriend, a new boyfriend for, for mom or dad.
That can be really difficult. And I'm not gonna say much on that. We'll be producing content separately on that topic, but I, I think her advice was really good. And I just wanted to highlight that because so many of us. Uh, deal with that at some point. And I love Leanne's affirmation. It it's so important guys.
So many of us feel like maybe we're not loved. Even if our parents do love us, we may not feel that we're loved. And so I just want you to know, like Leanne said, you you're a unique unrepeatable person. You're valuable just in who you are. Not anything you do, not your relationships or how perfect things are in your life, but just for who you are as a person, you're a human person.
You are valuable. And if you feel like nobody's there for you, I just want you to know that I am that restored is I literally create a ReSTOR for you. We care about you and we're always, always here for you.
Hello, I'm Steve Tartaglia from Potsdam New York. My experience of Christmas has changed over the years when I was very young. My family was altogether and we celebrated Christmas in a fairly typical. Christmas Eve, we went to the anticipated mass followed by dinner, usually with a few people that didn't have anyone else to celebrate with.
And then off to bed to listen for reindeer Hoves on our roof and jingle vows from a sleigh streaking across the sky. Waking up early on Christmas to open our presents, then breakfast at home, travel to grandma's house, where we spent the afternoon and evening with our extended family. When I was 12, grandpa died, the experience changed, but most of it stayed the same.
My parents divorced in a process that lasted all the years. I was in high school. The way we celebrated Christmas changed even more, but most of it stayed the. When I went away to college and only came home on holidays, celebrating Christmas changed even more. But most of it stayed the same when mom remarried and took the younger half of the family across the country.
When dad got sick with throat cancer and had half of his tongue removed so that he could no longer eat in the normal way. And it was hard to hold a conversation with him. When one of my brothers left the Catholic church and embraced the Protestant religion of his wife, when my younger brothers went into the armed forces and we celebrated Christmas while they were overseas at war when grandma died and we no longer went to her house for the holidays, the way that we celebrated Christmas changed.
But most of it stayed the. When I was a young man in seminary, trying to figure out if God was calling me to the priesthood, the way I celebrated Christmas changed at this time in my life for a few years, the celebration of Christmas became very different for me. Most of the external parts of the celebration, the family, the food, the presence were gone.
And I focused primarily on the spiritual reality of Christmas. I started to understand in a very personal way, the reality of sin and redemption, and I experienced a profound gratefulness for the incarnation of Christ. When I eventually realized I was being called to the sacrament of matrimony, not priesthood.
And when I got married and had five children, I realized that the celebration of Christmas did not just happen automatically. A lot of work and preparation was involved in celebrating it. Well, I was not just along for the ride as I was in my younger years, whatever experience my young children would have of Christmas would be shaped by me and by my wife.
So I reached back into my mind and heart and pulled forth the best things I had experienced in 40 years of celebrating Christmas and began building the celebration for my children. And while the way that I celebrated Christmas changed, because now I'm the adult giving shape for the celebration. Most of it stayed the same.
The details of our lives change over time, who we celebrate with, where we celebrate, how we celebrate it, all inevitably changes. But you come to realize that most of the details stay the same. And that the biggest thing that changes is your involvement. As you mature, you realize that Christmas is a gift to us because it allows us to express our love for God and other people in special ways that we don't normally do throughout the year.
So my advice to teens and young adults trying to navigate the holidays in, in very challenging times is very simple. Pray every day and ask God to show himself to other people through you. In your thoughts, in your words, in your actions, let other people experience God's love through you in whatever circumstances that you're in.
So many people who come from broken homes. Talk about how they had traditions when they were younger and then once their parents separate or divorced, all that was gone. And so I think it's really important for, for us moving forward that we make traditions of our own. And Steve touched on that really well.
How, you know, as we grow up, we're the ones who will form. Shape the holidays for our kids, for our families. And so I think it's really important to be very intentional about that. Maybe there's some things in your past that you would love to, uh, bring into your own family or your future family. And so make some time for that, maybe write down a list and then talk to your spouse to make those things happen, because we all need those traditions.
Especially as we build our own families, what Steve said too. Remember the real meaning of the holiday, whatever holiday it is. He mentioned Christmas. Remember the real meaning. It's so easy to get caught up in the superficialness of each holiday. It's so easy to get caught up in the drama happening in our family, or, you know, the tension that's going on.
We really need to focus on the real meaning. It doesn't mean we ignore all that other stuff. It doesn't mean you can't, you know, watch a hallmark movie, but we really need to remember what's the real meaning. Of this holiday, whether that's Thanksgiving or Christmas or new year's or whatever holidays you celebrate this time of the year, focus on that.
Let that anchor you. If things around you are crazy or less than ideal.
Hi, my name is Kate from Kansas, and I wanted to share a little bit of advice as far as navigating the holiday. From scripture verse Hebrews 12, 14, make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be who without holiness, no one will see the Lord. I think this is, um, a helpful scripture verse because it reminds me to make every effort to live in peace with everyone.
So throughout the holiday gathering or. Um, whatever your plans may be usually, uh, for holidays, we'll meet with at least one. Several family members. And so just making an effort to have peace within myself so that I can share that peace with others. I'm planning on going to mass first thing in the morning on Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Um, just to kind of set the tone to remember, to keep that piece within that God is offering me that piece and is supplying. The piece and that I don't have to rely on other people around me to. Give me that piece, but that God has already planted it within my heart and spending time in prayer, just asking the Lord for that piece throughout the day can be a really good way to begin the day every day.
But especially when you know that there might be maybe some potential conflict or maybe something. Some words that are shared, that aren't peaceful, which are pretty common in families like ours, you know, that, that have grown up with, um, some difficulties, some hurt feelings, um, but remembering to keep peace within my heart and remembering that God is with me throughout the day, supplying that.
Helps me helps me to remember that that our God is a God of peace that he longs for us to have peace within our hearts and within our families. I also try to remember that I'm only in charge of the next interaction. I can't fathom what the day will be like. Exactly. I mean, I certainly know the people that I'll be spending time with.
Just taking each situation under my own control, kind of, as far as remembering that I'm just in charge of the next situation. So let's say I go up and have a conversation with my dad. Well, I can remember that I'm striving for peace. I have peace within my heart. The God of peace is beside. And that I can insert peace into that conversation.
And if for some reason there is something that's said, I'm in charge of my own actions towards that conversation. So I can step back. I can go outside to take a deep breath of fresh air. I can choose to go and have a conversation with someone else. I can leave. There's many things that I can do, but remembering to keep peace within.
and asking the Lord for peace throughout the day would be my top piece of advice. and looking back to this scripture verse from Hebrews 12, make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy, the Lord is with us. He knows our story. He knows our thoughts and our feelings, and he longs to be a healing presence within, as we journey through this life.
God bless.
That's scripture versus beautiful. It's a great reminder. And I love the point that your peace, your happiness is so much more dependent on you than it is on anyone else. Also, the, the point that Kate made that you really can't have peace with others until you have peace within your own heart. We can't have peace with others until we stop worrying against them in our hearts and a big piece of.
Is forgiveness. And remember forgiveness is not saying what happened didn't matter or what happened. Didn't hurt me. No, not at all. It's not saying that it's just releasing someone of the debt that they owe you because they hurt you. There's so much more to forgiveness. There are steps that you can follow to actually forgive someone.
So we'll be producing more content around that. But I love what Kate said too, about focus on just the next interaction. I don't know if she intended this or not, but instead of getting overwhelmed with the rest of your life, just focus on the next interaction. Try to make that go well. And the advice you gave of stepping outside in taking a little bit of a breather, uh, it is wise, of course we wanna ideally resolve any sort of conflict or drama.
If we can, right? Maybe, sometimes things are just so toxic that we can't even be talking with a person, but ideally we'd resolve the conflict. So don't just go outside and never talk about the issue again. But if possible, try to resolve that too, but it could be a great little break, especially at a big family party, if things aren't going so well.
Hi, Joey, this is from Miami, Florida. Thank you for this opportunity to share some pointers. As we face this holiday season, I know how difficult the holidays are for all of us and how our joyful expectations can turn into strength, stressful and tension filled days. I remember very well how I used to dread those holiday gatherings.
So being that these 2020 holidays. Will be definitely somewhat different. I will share two things that have always helped me to survive. First. I have always been very close to my faith and I can attest that without it. I would never have been able to survive my wounds from being a child of divorce. I know that many have strayed from their faith because they feel they have been abandoned by God.
I know that because of our vulnerability, we tend to distrust everyone, including God, personally, I thought that if I did not give God a chance, I would never know what I would be missing out on. So I invite you to give him a chance to listen to you when we feel we have no one to cry out to, and everything looks BLE.
God is always there. All we need to do is call out to him. God, listen to me, help me. I need your help. And then simply be patient and attentive. Should I give God a chance in my life? Well, that is your personal decision. At this point, you have nothing to lose. However, you might have a lot to gain. We must try to stop labeling ourselves as children of divorce, because God does not put labels on us.
So instead, can we see ourselves as children of God? Do you think you can do this? It's your choice. God gives us all free will so we can make our own choices. He will never force us to do anything. We don't want. Secondly, get yourself a journal and start writing positive things about yourself. Don't write any negative thoughts, make your journal entries, a safe place for you to discover all the wonderful God-given talents and gifts that you have.
Discover what you're good at. Discover those hidden talents that you might be wanting to try out, you know? We allow ourselves to become so consumed in our pain that we let our circumstances control our lives. So go ahead, give yourselves permission to discover you your likes and dislikes create a plan for your own life.
Work at it. Think about it, act on it. Try to learn to detach from your pain. Even if only for short periods at a time, give yourselves permission to enjoy the holidays. When you begin to see yourself in a positive light, your perspective will change. Life will start to look much better because you are feeling better about yourself.
I hope that my suggestions may be of help to all of you be assured. You can do this. God love you. And may your holiday season be a good one?
I know a lot of you listening, don't come from a faith background or maybe you just don't believe in God. And I'm so happy that you're here. The trend that we're seeing. So many people who, you know, have gone through their parents' separation or divorce, just really ugly marriage. They really have found so much healing in their relationship with God, because.
Body and soul, right. We have the physical component and the spiritual component. And if we just heal on a human level, Uh, that's good, but it's really not enough. We really need to go further and heal on that spiritual level too. And so we're gonna be producing content around that topic as well. And just addressing those barriers that almost all of us face.
If we come from a broken home, I also love the point about the term children of divorce. You know, it's true that that's a true term in a lot of ways. And we use it because a lot of people use it. That's how people talk about people like us, but there's really this false idea that that's our identity.
It's not, it's just an experience that we have. It's affected us. It's affected our identity, how we understand ourselves, who we are, but it doesn't define us. And so it is dangerous to constantly call ourselves children of divorce. And so even the title of this podcast we were hesitant about, uh, but just for search purposes.
And so people can find us. That's just what we went with, but what we don't ever wanna say, that that is our identity. It's simply an experience that we've had.
Hello. My name is Dr. Daniel Meola with life giving wounds. Which is another ministry for adult children, divorce. And I'm excited to be partaking on this restored podcast. Keep up the great work, Joey, and my advice for adult children, divorce around the holidays. This, um, Thanksgiving and Christmas season is to really focus on your interior freedom.
The things that you can control is your response inside yourself. Why that's important is so often we are focused on. Keeping everybody in our family, happy we're scanning the surroundings and everything, uh, to make sure that it doesn't devolve into conflict and that's no way to live. That's, that's living in fear.
Instead, we wanna focus on what we can truly control, which is our own interior response and our own interior freedom. So this holidays, don't worry so much about making everybody happy, which is outside of your control. They. Somebody else. Who's their God. It's not you instead focus on your own interior freedom.
And if you're religious, you know, unite that with, uh, Christ with God and try and develop faith hope and love. So take care of your interior freedom. And may you find joy this holiday? God bless.
That's a great tip to focus on ourselves and our response to certain people or situations instead of just focusing on everything that's outside. We really need to focus on what we can do about a situation. And if you've heard me give a talk, you've heard me quote, Victor Frankel. He said between stimulus and response, there is a space in that space is our power to choose our response in our response lies our growth and our freedom.
I wanna say that one more time between stimulus and response, there is a space in that space is our power to choose our response in our response lies our growth and our freedom. That's substantial. Our freedom depends on how well we respond to a situation or a person. In other words, the greater our self mastery in choosing a response, the more free that we are.
And so to build virtue in our lives, we need to lengthen that space between stimulus the thing that makes us feel something and response. So take a breath. Think for a moment, try to detach yourself from the intensity of the emotions that you're feeling. And then choose a response again, that aligns with your deepest held beliefs that comes from Dr.
Susan David, uh, at the Harvard medical school, she wrote a book called emotional agility and she encourages people to, to do that. And I know when I do that, well, I always feel happier. I'm always more at peace and I'm more free.
Hello? Aw. This is from Texas. If I could give any piece of advice to a teenager or a younger adult in navigating the holidays, it would have to just be that number one. Remember that you are royalty. You are a son or a daughter of a king. Who's perfect. Our parents here on earth have flaws. We have flaws, but perfection in.
most unconditional love can only come from God, the father, and never feel shame, never feel shame, or that you are betraying either your mom or your dad, by going to spend time with either one and more importantly, to be strong. if you're, um, a teenager be strong now, so that when you later down the road, when you have a family of your own, you are able to demonstrate to your own children.
What mercy is with forgiveness is. And what love is once you know, the true love of God, the father. And if anything that I've learned through restore ministries is that unfortunately we. We the children of divorced parents are the ones that carry the burden. But even if that moment comes where it's not easy, just keep going, know that your parents love you.
And it is our duty to honor them and to love them, despite whatever mistake or whatever happened in the past only you can set your mind to what your future will look like and who. You decide to keep in your life, know that I'm praying for you.
It's okay. To spend time with each parent separately. I'm so glad that he said that because I think often, so many of us feel guilty about that. Maybe we are spending the holiday with mom and we feel bad that dad's on his own, or maybe he's with his family, without his kids, uh, or vice versa. And I, I know I've struggled with that.
I feel guilty about that because you know, maybe dad's alone or mom's alone in this holiday and I don't want that. So it's not easy. It's always a balancing act, but we really shouldn't feel guilty for splitting time between parents. Maybe it's not possible. Of course, for you to see one or both parents right now.
Hopefully in time, you're gonna find a way to spend time with each parent separately and not feel guilty about it. And if you need permission to do that, I give you permission.
Hi, I'm Amy, uh, from Fort worth, Texas. I'd have to say the hardest thing about the holidays for any family, really. Uh, but especially for those in broken families is the huge gap between expectations and reality. All the Thanksgiving commercials and Christmas cards and songs about sitting around an open fire are often just a fantasy for a lot of us, or at best a Mirage that everyone, or maybe just you work so hard to keep up well underneath.
It's all a painful, broken mess. My biggest tip for navigating the holidays is to focus on what they really mean to you. For me, as a Catholic, there are celebrations of faith and opportunities to take joy and works of love that our God has done for us. There are moments to eat his good food and give him thanks to humble ourselves with childlike joy, to receive him as a little child.
Once I began to put him something outside of the fallen people. I love at the center of these important moments. I started to gain some real freedom and peace in these difficult times. Begin to allow yourself to let go of what everyone else expects. The songs on the radio, the cards you're expected to send that codependent or absent parent.
You're always trying to please. And to allow yourself to enjoy these moments just for you. I spend a lot of time on airplanes as a kid flying as an unaccompanied minor between parents for the holidays. I remember being so annoyed every time the flight attendant will tell all the adults to put on your own mask first and then assist the child.
Maybe it was the irony of it, all my resentment and having to fly around the country to fulfill all the existential needs of my dysfunctional families. Every holiday. , but it was probably just me longing for an adult to put me first for once of course, now that I'm an adult, I see the logic of it. And as I've allowed myself to grow into the role of an adult among family members, I see more and more that it is okay.
That it really is essential for me to prioritize my own ability to breathe. And I'm come in ways as a child. I stifled myself to try to prop up impossible situations, but now I'm starting to let myself. To let myself let go and to let my family lie in the beds that they made, if it's impossible or imperfect, I didn't make it that way.
And my family and loved ones, as much as I love them are going to have to face some of the consequences of the situation they've made. And that's okay. It's not my job to clean up the mess. So my advice is try to set your boundaries. Know your needs and don't let, let the dysfunction drive you anymore.
Let the grace of the holys draw you in and let them be something that you celebrate for the joy of celebrating them. Not for some feeling of responsibility that you owe something to somebody else. Happy holidays.
One thing that Amy said that really stuck out to me is. It's not your job to clean up the mess. It's not your job to clean up the mess of your family. It's not your job to fix your parents' marriage. It's not your job to, to make everything right now. Often we want to, right. We want everything to be right.
And we may take on roles out of necessity, or because we just think that we have to, but the truth is it's not your responsibility. Now, of course there's a balancer because in some ways we can contribute to help heal the family. But it's important. We know that it's not our job. It's not our job as children to fix our parents or to fix the family.
And so for me hearing that it is very freeing and I hope it's freeing for you as well. I also love what she said about how we need to let go of what other people expect of us. So often our boundaries are just destroyed because we're trying to please everyone we're trying to do what makes everyone else happy when we need to really take a step back and say, okay, what's the most important thing?
What do I need to do to take care of myself or to take care of the people that I love the most? Like my kids, my spouse. And so. And so give yourself the permission to let go of what everyone else expects of you. And to always remember that it's not your job to clean up the mess.
Hi, I'm Angela wink from Highland ever since my parents started growing apart and my family started breaking. I dreaded the holidays Thanksgiving and Christmas time used to be some of my favorite times of year when I was growing up. Because it was a warm, happy time with the family. I loved so much when I turned 14.
However, my family started imploding, but every holiday after that was a nightmare screaming, fighting tension and pain. My parents' divorce was one sided. My dad was the abusive toxic one. And though my mom is human. Of course made mistakes. I saw her doing everything she could to keep her marriage and our family together, but my dad kept tearing it.
And many family members that got very angry at me for that view, but it's just the truth of my experience. Everyone's story is different, but if you're a child of divorced parents, I know that you share the hearted grief and deep wounds that comes from divorce separation and a family breaking apart. I want you to know that I feel your pain and that you're not alone.
I definitely don't pretend to have the best. I struggle with intense anxiety, self doubt, and bouts of depression and self hate after the abuse of my dad and the breaking apart of my family. But I can give you one simple tip for getting through the holidays and that is let yourself feel what you feel even if no one else does.
What I mean by that is being a child of divorce is a complicated journey. And no two stories are the same. No one, no one knows how it feels to be you and no one has the right to tell you how you should feel or act. This applies to any time of year, of course. But in my experience, it gets extra complicated around the holidays because people expect you to be happy and you may expect it of yourself.
After my dad divorced my mom and moved out and was not in my life at all. And even before. When my family started splitting apart, even if we had the miracle of no fighting during the family get together, it was never right. It just never felt right. The excitement and joy that I used to feel as a child on Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, Easter was gone.
Nothing seemed to matter anymore because the pain was so intense for me. My life always revolved around my family. People mean everything to. I love presents good food, decorations, material things, and all, all that about the holidays, as much as anyone, but I love them because of the people I'm with because of the happiness and love.
I feel with people, but when tension, anger, and distance and loss was all around me, those parts of the holidays brought probably no happiness. I fought against extreme depression and felt like there was no point in trying to celebrate, but at the same time, it hurt even more to give up on the beauty of the holiday.
Because of the brokenness around me. So here's my advice to you wherever you find your heart, this holiday season, or any time of the year, let it be there. Let yourself grieve. Let yourself cry. Let yourself be angry. If you can tell someone you trust about your pain, don't feel guilty to be sad, just because of the holiday.
You have every right to feel everything you feel, but it doesn't stop. Letting yourself grieve. Remember that Christmas and the holiday season is about Jesus and he understands your heart life more than anyone can. So while letting him share your pain, try to bring meaning and healing to the holidays by doing something for him.
If you feel too depressed to celebrate the holidays for your own sake. And if getting together with family relatives is a nightmare for you. Like it is for me, celebrate with him, say an extra prayer for someone else who is hurt. Go visit someone else who's alone or aching during the holidays. Spend more time at mass, put up a little nativity scene or Christmas tree HS for baby Jesus.
This is something that has really helped me. It's simple. It doesn't always work to ease the pain, but your efforts to make the holidays, the time of celebrating Jesus and to give yourself time to heal will not be wasted. I can promise you it'll be worth it in the. God bless you. And now I'm praying for you and I'm sending you empathy and compassion to your heart.
Thank you.
One thing that a lot of people who have worked with us or in our community find a lot of comfort in is just hearing that it's okay. Not to be okay. And then, like Angela said, let yourself feel what you feel, even if nobody else does. It's okay. To feel hurt. It's okay. To feel sad about the brokenness in your family.
And it may seem counterintuitive, but in order to feel better, we actually have to let ourselves feel those yucky, messy emotions. We can't stuff 'em away. We can't ignore them. We have to let ourselves feel them. And it's only by going through those that we're able to find closure and eventually get over.
And if you've had people in your family or outside your family, kind of pressure you to feel a certain way. I'm so sorry. That's so wrong of them to do that because you feel the way that you feel. If you feel hurt by the brokenness in your family, it's okay to feel that. And no one should tell you that you should just forget about and move on.
You really do need to grieve that because it's a very. Loss. And if there's a lot of dysfunction in the family too, and maybe the, the separation was inevitable, that's a very real loss as well. And so I just know that yeah, it's okay to feel what you feel like Angela said so well, and don't do it alone. I love that reminder too.
We have to find a community or find someone that we can talk to that we can open up to that we can go to for support.
Hi, this is Laura from Denver. My husband and I have learned a couple of things in about 23 years of marriage that we hope will kind of help. Um, when we married, we had two sets of divorced parents. So right away, we thought we could do multiple celebrations in one day. And, uh, everybody would be happy. But of course that always leaves other hurt feelings because somebody always wants you to stay longer.
Somebody always wants you to come earlier. But we did the best that we could. And it, it, it did seem kind of to help a little bit, to be able to go, uh, at that time, nobody was willing to change the date of the holiday. Uh, so that was the best that we could do after we had gr uh, children. We had the first grandchildren.
Things changed a little bit. All of a sudden people were more willing to pick a day other than the exact holiday to celebrate with us. But, you know, still we were divided our time picking up the kid, the kids, and, you know, going one place or another and, uh, switching back and forth. And that all stopped when my son was, uh, two or three.
He, um, quit Christmas. He decided that after spending two days opening Christmas presents, he did not want to do Christmas anymore. And I said that had to stop. That was not acceptable to me. So we declared a new tradition. The new tradition is, uh, we actually stay home on Christmas day and anybody who wants to see the kids can see the kids in their pajamas at.
And my kids don't have to get dressed and go places. Other people have to get dressed and come see them. What really helped about that is my kids are now 17 and 19 years old. And they know that there's one day during the holidays where they're not expected to be anywhere, but here and it's relaxing. Um, so that part has worked.
What has really, really helped though, is figuring out that compromise is. What it sounds like it's only part of a possible solution. The real solution is becoming. Really excellent negotiators. Every year we maintain absolute rigid flexibility because some years it's impossible to get all people all in one place.
And some people's some, sorry, some years it's impossible to get everybody in one place at one time. And that has to be okay. We have to be okay with that. They have to be okay. And if they're not there's. So much responsibility we can take. We don't, we're not responsible for, you know, how they feel. We're only responsible for doing our best.
So here we are, 23, almost 24 years later, trying to. You know, maintain absolute rigid flexibility, and every year recalibrating what worked last year, what has worked before? What do we have going on this year? Who has to be where, um, as the kids get older, it's a little bit, you know, more challenging because they have other activities they wanna attend also.
But having that flexibility and, and developing those negotiating skills. Have really helped our family. I hope this helps somebody have a blessed Thanksgiving, a happy, um, Easter. Sorry, a happy Christmas. This works also for Easter and, and all other holidays and birthdays and everything throughout the year.
Have a great one.
I love what Lara and her husband did with inviting family over for the holidays, but not necessarily running around, trying to please everyone. I think it's a great way to set a boundary and put the ball in the family member's courts. I think what she said too, about staying somewhat flexible and being willing to negotiate without of course, compromising or just going so far that people take advantage of you, but really being able to stay somewhat flexible because things do change.
Maybe one year someone isn't able to travel or. Some condition changes where you need to be a little bit flexible. So I think, uh, it's good advice to, to stay flexible, do your best, but also remember that you can't make everyone happy. I mean, that is just good life advice because so often we try to make everyone happy, but it just doesn't work.
And I I've heard it said that when you try to make everyone happy, you'll end up making no one happy. And you're self miserable. So don't do that. Uh, remember that you can't make everyone happy. And so just do your best.
That's a wrap. Huge. Thanks to everyone who contributed to Amy. Angela, Carly, Dan Elise, GA Kate Lara, Leanne Leddy. And Steve. Thank you guys for taking time to submit your. At the beginning of the episode, I mentioned that restored has private online community. It's free. That's a place where you could speak openly about the pain and the challenges that you face it'll help you feel not so alone, especially during the holidays.
And you'll definitely be challenged to grow into a better, stronger person. You can join in three easy steps, just go to restored ministry.com/community. Again, that's restored ministry. Ministry is just singular.com. Slash community on that page, you'll fill out a form and then we'll add you to the group.
The resources mentioned are in the show notes@restoredministry.com slash three two. Again, that's restored ministry.com/ 32. We really hope that the advice today in this episode helps you to navigate. All the challenges that this time of the year brings. So you can avoid the drama and enjoy the holidays again, for me and my team at restored, we wanna wish you a happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, happy new year, and whatever other holidays that you celebrate.
Thank you guys so much for making time to listen to this episode. If it's been helpful, if it's been useful for you, I invite you to subscribe. And I ask you to, to share this podcast episode with someone that you know, who could really benefit from it always. You are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person that you were born to be.
