#082: You Deserve Better than a Broken Life and Relationships | Kailash Duraiswami

Imagine you have all the success, pleasure, money, and excitement you could want. But instead of being happy, you feel unhappy and empty. What would you do?

That was the story of our guest today. The wounds from his broken family were at the core of his need to live a life of extreme pleasure, excitement, and ultimately, unhappiness. But that all began to change when the 2016 US presidential election caused him to question everything. In time, he went from partying with billionaire Silicon Valley entrepreneurs to living a very different life.

In this episode, you’ll hear his story and also:

• How he didn’t even recognize that he was trying to fill an endless hole

• How the lack of an example in how to form healthy relationships inhibited is ability to do so and caused a lot of turmoil in his relationships

• How transforming himself led him to his beautiful soon-to-be bride and authentic happiness

Get the free chapters or buy the book: It’s Not Your Fault: A Practical Guide to Navigating the Pain and Problems from Your Parents’ Divorce

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TRANSCRIPT

Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!

Imagine you have everything that you think will make you happy, success, pleasure, money, exciting experiences, all the things that our culture says will make you happy, but it doesn't make you happy. In fact, you just feel unhappy and empty. What would you do? That was the story of my guest today. The wounds from his broken family were at the core of his need to live a life of extreme pleasure, excitement, and ultimately unhappiness.

But that all began to change. Surprisingly, after the 2016 US Presidential election. It made him question everything. And in time he went from literally partying with billionaires, Silicon Valley entrepreneurs to living a very different lifestyle. And his story is just amazing. In this episode, you'll hear his story and how when his dad left when he was a teenager, he was treated like an adult without any boundaries, which led to a lot of problems and bad habits in his life.

He shares what was the ultimate pleasure that he sought. He talks about how he didn't even recognize that he was trying to fill an endless hole inside of him. He talks about how a lack of an example on how to form healthy relationships really hurt his ability to do so as an adult and even caused him a lot of turmoil in his relationships.

And finally, he talks about how his life totally turned around and how he found his beautiful fiance who will soon be his bride, and how his life is so much better today, how he is so much happier today than he was in the past. Really amazing story. Lots of great content, so keep listening.

Welcome to The Restored Podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents'. Separation or broken marriage so you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode a D two, and my guest today is Kla Dewa. Kla is a technology entrepreneur most recently in the artificial intelligence space as the founder of Pen Tenix.

Pen. Tenix is an artificial intelligence platform that automates manual data entry for financial services companies through computer vision. Pen Tenix was acquired by financial services software provider or advisor solutions and Spring 2021. Kalos is an adult convert to the Catholic church and is most interested in the connection between Catholic principles and entrepreneurship in the world of software startup.

His new startup fee day is taking on big tech by offering Catholic alternatives in the consumer technology space. But without any further ado, here's my conversation with my friend Kla

Kash. So good to have you here. Thanks so much for being on the show. Thank you for having me. I'm fascinated by your story. I know we're just getting to know each other, but you've told me a little bit so far and so I'm excited to dive in and starting out. I'd like to go back in time and I, I'm curious, how old were you when things at home, uh, became dysfunctional and what exactly happened there?

Yeah, it's tough to really point to any memory of my childhood or I would say things. Were really positive. My parents immigrated from a different country and you know, a lot of, a lot of families would live in these metropolitan areas where you'd be surrounded with a lot of people who knew your language, knew your, your family background.

But yeah, just due to different career needs, my family moved to a very small town in Florida and so there wasn't that much of a cultural infrastructure that my father in particular who was used to, and that was very difficult for them right from the beginning. So yeah, I would say that there was really, any of my earliest memories would be conflict between my parents and for a variety of reasons.

Maybe financial, maybe based on friends or family interactions. There would be a lot of of challenges. That would come up. I, I have very few, you know, I talked to my sister about this. I have very few memories of growing up, which are positive, and I, I thought that was normal. I mean, I didn't think anything of it.

Yeah. I thought that's just how it is for me. I never thought about it. And then I would talk to my sister about that later as we became adults and she would say, You know, that's not, that isn't really normal. Mm-hmm. , you know, normally you would have positive memories, but the truth for me is, yeah, there are, there are some, but the, the challenges both within our family environment and challenges in, in my own life greatly outweigh functional memories.

So I would say it was as far back as I could remember, I would say it was dysfunctional. Okay. That makes sense. And I can, uh, relate to a lot of that. There were some good memories early on, but it seems like when things become dysfunctional in a family, when things start to fall apart, The bad memories certainly take over, and that's a trend I've seen a lot in doing these interviews that unfortunately, you know, there's very few good memories to go back to.

Was there any point where your parents separated or anything like that? Um, and as much as you're comfortable sharing what happened there? Yeah. Uh, there was a period of time where they, they didn't live together. And, you know, I came on this, this podcast to talk about myself and to talk about the changes that I've been able to undergo.

And I think that it is important to talk about the background and I'm happy to answer these questions. It's not something that I want to shy away from. Yeah. But I'll be very open about it. But really with the hope that it points to a great present and yes, my, my family, I remember when I was a. I, I think in middle school, maybe even earlier, I asked my father, they were arguing about something and I said, Do you even love mom?

I asked him, Do you, do you even love her? And he laughed and they, they, I don't know if that question ever came into their mind, but obviously even very young, it came into my mind. And then as I grew older in high school, they decided, he decided that my mom decided, I know that there was not, they were going to live separately.

Mm-hmm. . And, uh, my father, he, he went for a drive with me and they, we were going to a, uh, wedding for a cousin, which was out of state. And then he said, When we come back, I'll be moving out. And my sister had actually already told me just days before probably. So I, it wasn't, that actually wasn't a surprise to hear.

And he also was kind of ashamed to admit that he was going to be moving in with. Another woman, which was very, and I mean he was very ashamed of that, but he, that was part of his mechanism to make this decision. Mm-hmm. and, um, that they, that was when I was just becoming of driving age. And I remember being very detached from this at the time.

And he routinely after that, would actually want to come back. And I always said no, because I wanted the freedom because I had no discipl. Yeah, when he wasn't there, he, he was someone who would always try to investigate what I was doing, and he didn't give me personal space, which is not all bad, you know, If you're young, you need boundaries.

But yeah, because my mom would work or he, you know, certainly when he was not there, I, my made my own boundaries and that I, I would use that to, as we know, as Catholics, I would indulge in my fleshly desires for sure, as a high school student. And that was because I had no boundaries. So he regretted it, but for 10, some, almost 10 years, they, they were separated and he wasn't with that person the entire time because she was, she became aware that he was not gonna leave my mother, actually.

Wow. He wouldn't, he couldn't move himself to actually, Make that final decision. That's actually beautiful. Yeah. They, their, their attention to tradition and some, some form of morality allowed them to get through that actually. But they did, It was a very tough environment. They didn't know how to, to, to deal with their conflicts and then it led to this event.

Okay. That makes sense. Thanks for sharing all that. In No way, Of course. Are we trying to shed a bed light in your parents? I know we've talked separately about it's important to be honest about what we've been through, um, and then sharing to whatever levels, you know, of comfort. So thank you. And I think it, it is helpful what you said it's really helpful about how.

We're not gonna say in like, this dark part of your story, we're gonna get to the lighter parts and the, the happier endings. And so, uh, I wanna transition to that shortly, but first you, you mentioned a little bit of how you had reacted to the dysfunction at home to whatever level you're comfortable sharing.

What did that look like? Yeah, this I'm very comfortable with. Cool. Because these are my decisions. Yeah. And I, it's so, it's so obvious to me and it's so, um, It's pedestrian in a way, what I did. But I would, I had to be the most popular kid in school and I was the pre the homecoming king, you know, be in homecoming court many years and many years in a row in high school.

And I had all these friends and every social gathering, you know, all the partying I had to be there and you know, would have different girlfriends, different interactions like this. Breaking rules. Never did any homework, didn't adhere to anything. I didn't want to do a lot of impulsive actions and that, you know, like I said, I lived basically in an environment where my mother, she actually, she specifically would allow me to.

Be an adult in a way. That's kind of how she viewed it. Part of it was I had a strong will and she didn't, I don't think she realistically could have reigned me in mm-hmm. . But part of it is she wanted me to become an adult that was independent. Yeah. Which is not wrong, but I, so I simultaneously would have like the, I probably had the hardest schedule of any student in school because I would take like very high level math classes mm-hmm.

in the college nearby. But simultaneously, I didn't do any of the work and I would spend a huge amount of time partying. And it only, this is in high school and so it only really would take any kind of abatement or I, I retracted it only in very little ways. I was, you know, in the second SES semester of senior year mm-hmm.

and the kids I was hanging out with would be drinking excessively on a Tuesday. Yeah. Weekday. Yeah. And I would just be like, I can't do this anymore. And I actually was a, a gifted student, but I did very poorly on homework. I didn't do homework. I had no, like, discipline at all. Mm-hmm. . And no one encouraged me to do it.

There was, I remember my aunt once times came, she was visiting and I had a science experiment, due science project due the next day. And I started it that day. And her, her kids are so on point, they were like great students. My, that cousin went to Columbia University, Ivy League, like so well disciplined.

Mm-hmm. . And she was like shocked. She couldn't believe this. And I was like, This is it. Yeah. You know, I'm not gonna do this until the first, the day before. And so, but, but what hap, the reason I bring that up is I applied to colleges and I was denied from every college I applied to, and I was wait listed at the one that I went to eventually, and that, that even humiliated me very badly.

Okay. And that was the beginning of a change for me in college where I actually became very diligent because I responded to this, it wounded me badly, but I was very, very fortunate that I was actually admitted to a school from the wait list. And, but like I said, that gave me kind of a, a bump or a, a source of energy for the many years of college where I actually had great, good habits.

I was, I re I didn't drink and I, I said no to these things and I was very diligent, which was good. And, but, That's the kind of interim, because then after I graduated college, I moved to Silicon Valley and I was a software engineer and that's when things really went outta control. Yeah. Because that's when I was starting to make a lot of money and I had much more agency in.

My control over my day. Yeah. Control over my friends. And that's where a lot of those habits and indulgence, indulgent behavior from high school was like 10 Xed. Yeah. And that's where I had a lot of trouble with. Same thing. A lot of drinking and partying, hard drugs, club drugs, music festivals. I mean, I did everything crazy.

You can possibly imagine. Not many people know about this, but I have tattoos all over my body. You would never believe that. I didn't know that. Yeah, you would never believe that. Yeah. If you knew me, no one could believe that. But I made tons of these irreparable mistakes. Yeah. And I, same thing, just the ultimate pleasure I sought was the company of women.

Yeah. Ultimate, I mean that with drugs big time. I just, I had to pursue that. I was compelled to pursue that compulsively. I couldn't say no. Yeah, there was, and this is what my existence was. And again, professionally things were okay. They, they were great by most metrics. Not to my standard of ambition, but they were very good.

I could support myself in San Francisco, very high rent, no issue. I had a great career as a software engineer, but that fueled crazy lifestyle. I'm telling you like the most insane experiences you can imagine in Vegas, the most, you know, partying with literally Silicon Valley billionaires. I mean, I've done that.

I've been there in, in immense pursuit of self-gratification through the pleasure of what we feel in this world. Mm-hmm. , and that all pointed to a lack of morality. And it pointed to a wound that I had that I, I couldn't. I needed to make myself feel good or this is what I should be doing. This is what successful people do.

This is what the cool kids are doing. You know, all these things are so reverberating in my head and I know because I had friends that I grew up with in the same community who are from the same background as I did, who had the same professional life, so to, you know, essentially. And they didn't do those things like they could refuse.

I know people I grew up with never drink, you know, very similar family background, didn't drink, didn't do these things. Mm-hmm. . And they could live in a stable way. I could not, like, I could not live in a stable way. Mm-hmm. whatever weekend it was. It wasn't just that I had to go to the bar with the friends, it was like, no, we.

I mean, I don't even know the legality of it, but basically do a bunch of illicit drugs. Yeah. And there was a lot of stuff that I had to, I was compelled to do and I think it points to the wounds of my childhood for sure. Yeah. It was the pain that I felt, the lack of stability, the lack of identity, and I thought very much, and I was, I had the agency very much to, to solve this problem through pleasure.

Mm-hmm. essentially. And that's, that's where I was when I really got to rock bottom, which was when I, I lived with someone and we were in a relationship and we, we. In college and we would do drugs and we'd party. And she was in a very wounded state and I was in a very wounded state and we were wanted to be together.

Yeah. Forever. And, you know, we committed to each other and blah, blah, blah. And it was, it was terrible. Yeah. I mean that, that's sore and bad combination. Yeah. It was just a, a nexus of, and she's doing great now, by the way. God bless her. I'm actually very happy that she got through it as well. But we would, we, we had a friendship based on partying and, and doing drugs and then we had a relationship based on it.

And it was, it was not, uh, it was a recipe for a disaster. We can put it mildly like that. And that's what, that's where I was. Wow. So much there to dive into. I'm curious, what were you looking for in all that? You alluded to it, but I wanna go deeper into that because I think a lot of people find themselves in a similar spot, even if they're not partying with billionaire Silicon Valley entrepreneurs.

Uh, they find themselves in a similar spot where they're seeking escapes, where they're trying to, they're looking for something. I'll leave it at that. What were you looking for in particular? Yeah, it, I think there's two sides of it. One is, at the time if you had asked me, I don't know what I would've said.

Wow. Okay. Yeah. Makes sense though. Like, honestly, I don't even know how I could have answered a direct question like that. Why are you doing this? I, I don't know. I don't know what I could have said at that time. Yeah. But looking back with the, with the lens that I have now, I think I had, I have an, an energy of ambition and an energy of productivity and an energy of, of output.

I'm a very output driven person. Yeah. And my measurement of that at the time was all social and all. Which is what is the highest social output I can create? What is the highest material output I can create? The answer to, to those two things socially was the craziest stories socially was, you know, the wildest time socially was the thing that I could brag about Vainly to others that I, that all the things that I just said, you know, the most exclusive v i p Vegas experience in a club that you can imagine telling these stories that would make people laugh.

You know, this is, this is what was interesting. That's what I wanted. And then when it came to the material pursuit, it was to be a successful technology company founder. Mm-hmm. , because that was the, to me, I, I still think this is true, it is the pinnacle achievement of a career in our generation is to do something innovative that is actually, um, validated by the marketplace.

A hundred percent. Yeah. So both of those things were, those were what truly fueled me. I, I don't think I could have actually recognized it. And it was very chaotic. And tho those, those pursuits are endless in a sense because it, it's just subject to your appetite. So some people might think the good time that they brag about with their friends is go to this new restaurant, go to this cool bar.

But for me it was, no, I have to be in the, you know, the, the nth degree. Yeah. The highest possible, like at a music festival. It wasn't just to go, but it would be to like be in the V i p v I P, you know, the most exclusive section. It was all about exclusivity and the, the vanity that I could have of being able to tell those stories.

Yeah. One thing I know about you in the little time I've known you, you don't do things halfway. So it's like if you were gonna be like this hedonistic like person, right? You're gonna go all the way down that path and it makes so much sense. I wanna get to like the happier side of the story, but another question on this point.

did you feel empty going through all that? It's, it's weird. I felt deep levels of anxiety. Okay. And deep levels of turmoil, you know, But I don't, I don't, I definitely did not recognize that I was trying to fill an endless pit. Hmm. Which I see now, you know, And Sy Augustin teaches us that as well, that our appetites are endless.

I definitely did not understand that, but I, I was not happy. I mean, I, you know, nearly overdosed on cocaine. I mean, there's just a lot of stuff like this where I was not happy when that was, you know, your heart's racing. I was not enjoying that, or these con, these experiences I would have with women. I would meet online or whatever.

Like, I wasn't happy in the tur mile of those relationships. I wasn't, I felt. A lot of pain in my relationships that I would have with them and break up, get back together again. Break up, break up all this stuff. I didn't enjoy it, but I don't, I wouldn't have understood, because I didn't understand even the, the idea of appetites, I didn't understand the idea of temptation, so it wouldn't have resonated with me that I was empty.

Mm-hmm. it, but it would, I do see that I was very unhappy. Okay. That makes a lot of sense. Shifting a little bit to relationships, you've talked about them already. Is there anything additional you would add in terms of how the background you came from, everything you went through, how did that all affect your dating relationships and now your e engagement, even if you wanna talk about that.

Sure. I think first I never received either by example or by instruction. The correct way to form a relationship or to treat someone in a romantic relationship period. Yeah. So that is a very difficult mountain to climb that I really, I didn't, I didn't climb it. And we can get to that later in the story.

Yeah. I, So I never received an instruction of how to date. Now, part, let's, let's be honest, part of it is my parents are not from this country and they had an arranged marriage. Okay. Yeah. So they were essentially arranged to be marriage before they met, arranged to be married before they met. Right. So they didn't date, they didn't know anything about it.

It's a very western American, perhaps European idea. Fair enough. So there's, there is no instruction that can happen in this and from that regard, but then the tough part also was that at home, due to the manner in which they related, I didn't have either an example as well. Right. I received no kind of moral.

Didactic teaching or interpersonal didactic teaching at all. Mm-hmm. . So the way that I pursued relationships is really given the metric that I just said, which was the maximum level of comfort or the maximum level of social proof that it would offer to me. Meaning being with someone who was the most beautiful, or having a story which was the most off the wall.

You know, basically I, I did, definitely did not, and could not look at being in a relationship by virtue of the person I was with. It was all about these ancillary aspects of who I was with, what they did for me, essentially what they did for my reputation, what they did for my stories, what they did for my life.

Yeah. And so that will bring in tons and tons of issues. And I was in many relationships where it's, it's two people using each other, to be honest, you know, I, I. As I've become more available to these experiences, I, I, I'm ashamed of how I treated them. Yeah. But then I actually can acknowledge, Wow. They treated me very poorly too.

Sure. Yeah. You know, so it was, my relationships were always two people using each other. And, and I can say that with confidence because, Like I'd, I would tell my fiance now, who's the polar opposite of all of this, by the way, people, That's beautiful. She's an angel. And I'm like, You wouldn't have been with me then literally, you would've never found me.

She might have been repulsed, she would've been at church. Like you wouldn't, you wouldn't have never seen or known me or anything. Yeah. Yeah. And so the reason I bring that up is the people I did see and I did know were wounded too. Right. And, and they were in these parties and in these events, and they were seeking pleasure.

We would do drugs together, you know, It was, that's what it was. Yeah. And everything was a building block of material pleasure or Zane reputation building. And so what, what is that relationship that I ha would have with someone? Basically nil. You know, the, the, the human aspect of it would become always just become painful.

Mm-hmm. , right. Try even trying to do the right thing or trying to establish some kind of exclusivity in the relationship, some protection, you know, monogamy would always be fraught with enormous amounts of pain and enormous amounts of challenge. Even just trying to approach that interiorly. Yeah. Trying to do it with them.

It would always be ridiculed and, and you would be, you would be so exposed. You share yourself, you share intimacy with someone and you can't acknowledge what that means. You cannot even approach that with them, you know, and you would, whether you sleep in the same bed or you pursue all of these, these activities, you.

You can't, you have, you are trying to give of yourself, but you can't allow yourself to. Yeah. And it's this huge turmoil. So to answer your question about what were the relationships like, they were, they were two people using each other. And I would use them for these, these purposes of material pleasure or vain reputation building.

And I want you, I would want things that were more mm-hmm. , because I think we are naturally ordered towards monogamy. We are naturally ordered towards a successful relationship. And I would try to apply my ambition to that, but that would be met with their own wounds. And then I would be met with my own wounds and it would be very, very chaotic.

And, and that relationship that I mentioned that really drove me to the ground, you know, it was the same thing. It was two people who, who wanted the recognition of what. Monogamy could be, yeah. And the value of that relationship. But we were un unable to look at the other person as a person. You know, it's funny, after I did all this, I went to a church event where they would say, This is how you get married.

And they would give this list. Okay. And it would be like, I remember the first one was like, Can you take care of the person you're gonna be with? Can you fulfill your responsibilities? You know, are you financially sound, blah, blah, blah. And the bottom would be like, Do you have fun together? And the next one would be like, Do they make you feel good?

And I remember looking at that, and I would be like, I literally inverted. The entire thing. Wow. Yep. Like it was all about the immediate gratification and a complete postponement or dereliction of what The role of a relation, you know, the foundation of being responsible. Yeah. And I don't, I honestly, I don't really think I saw much of that growing up.

Yeah. And I had no way to pattern that at all. Makes sense. And, and I will say, like I mentioned, my parents are, are back togethers again and they've really changed too. Wow. And I think if this is what it was, like some whatever years ago, things might have been different, but it wasn't Yeah. Like, it was not that I had nothing to go off for.

Yeah. You were, you had to play the hands, You were adults. And I totally get that. And it makes so much sense because on such a deep level, the example of our parents is programmed into us, right? Mm-hmm. , it's, and that code can be rewritten. I, I really believe that. I've seen it. I've seen people come from really dysfunctional, broken families.

And then they learn about love, they learn about relationships, they learn how to love often through a lot of pain and failure. Um, and then they build something really beautiful. They build a really beautiful marriage. And that's where I see you on that path, which is amazing. But it makes so much sense that that example of how to build love, how to build a relationships, how to even build monogamy, a marriage, uh, would be so ingrained in you.

So again, it's inspiring that you're changing that. One thing I wanted to touch on, which I think resonates with a lot of our listeners, cuz they come from broken families primarily. Mm-hmm. , is that when you come from dysfunction, when you've endured trauma in your life, especially trauma related to relationships, Right.

Normal, healthy relationships can actually feel boring. Mm. Even on the level of our brains. They don't know all the neurobiology on this, but wow. Even on the level of our brains, it can. This isn't exciting. Like I'm used to yelling. I'm used to drama. I'm used to like, you know, like you said, partying and all these extreme experiences that going for a walk and getting ice cream is like pretty lame

Well, you know, I'm aesthetic so we wouldn't even do that now. There you go.

So, but, but that, it makes so much sense and that explained a lot of my relationships too, where I would be dating these like awesome girls, right? I had my own past where made a lot of sexual mistakes and a lot of regrets. And one thing I wanted to mention on that note to anyone listening right now who is maybe in that spot where you're living that lifestyle and making these, you know, kinda living that empty lifestyle, chasing pleasure, all that.

I'm not proud of the people that I've used. I've never like looked back and been like, Oh yeah, that was a happy experience. You know, that was, I was glad I used that person or let them use me. I always regret it. I, I've never felt happy about that and so, um, I think there's so, so much in your story that can show us a path of okay, that doesn't lead to something good.

And the people in that lifestyle, um, often end up very, very unhappy. Like, like you said. But um, it's an interesting point. They're always unhappy. Always unhappy. Yeah. If you are pursuing that type of relationship, you are unfulfilled, I think by definition. Yeah. Because if you're not trying to be with a person and give to a person, you're not fulfilling your purpose a hundred percent.

It sounded like you had another question. Sorry to cut you off. No, no, you're good. No, this is great. I'm just fascinating cuz some, so many of our listeners want more about love and relationships. I'm glad we're on this point and I know we're gonna get into more of it and let's, let's move there now actually.

So, I'm curious about what changed for you. Like you have had such a drastic change. That's why I'm so fascinated by your story. Most people don't do what you did. Mm. Like it. It's, it's amazing. And so I'm curious, like what changed? What were a couple things that helped you change and heal and grow? It's so crazy, you know, because if I, if I put you at the place I was at the day, I decided to change.

Like I said, I knew nothing of how to treat another person. I knew nothing about how to love myself. I knew nothing about

virtue at all. Perseverance, self-growth, nothing. I knew nothing about how to reject or refuse any drink, which was given to me. I did not know how to say no to going to a rave, any of these things. Yeah, I was zero and I was in this relationship, which. Was built upon all of these things. Mm-hmm. , and it sounds so dumb, but I honestly just, I, I lived in San Francisco.

I told you this, I lived in San Francisco when President Trump won the 2016 election. Mm-hmm. and living there at the time. I remember distinctly being out with friends and it was a group of us who all worked out together and we were all healthy eaters, vanity and living there. It was a mockery that this person was running for president and it was a foregone conclusion that Hillary Clinton would win and living there when that was not the case, and when things appeared to be going in a different direction, it wasn't pe People can't understand this.

Like, it wasn't like, Oh, that's weird. It was like, wow, my entire world view is wrong. When you, when when I lived there and many people I knew. That's why, I mean you see so many people had like a very virulent, violent reaction to it. Yes, that's irrational, we know that, but it's not as simple as like, well why can't you just be detached from politics?

Like when you lived in a metropolitan area like that. Yeah, it was, I remember distinctly waking up and I was like, There is something missing for me. And it is so strange and it's laughable that this was the reason. But I woke up that next day and I just had this question that I had to have answered and it was, what else is true that I am missing?

And from, From the strangest person and the strangest vehicle. Yeah, . God just reached me from that. Wow. What else is true that I am missing and. I was still with, of course, I was still with this person I was in this relationship with and all this stuff. And I just went down this deep intellectual curiosity about what motivates human behavior, to be honest.

Wow. What would motivate human behavior to vote for Donald Trump? And then it became what would motivate human behavior to call themselves conservative. And then it became what would motivate human behavior to model their life on Judeo-Christian values. And then it became what are Judeo Christian values?

And then it became what is the source of Judeo Christian values? And then it became, who is Jesus Christ? And then it became, What did he do while he was here on earth? And then it became what is the Catholic church? And then it became, how can I become a Catholic Christian? Wow. And that was a period, not of a long time, it was a very intense period of probably maybe less than a year.

I'm an extreme person. Yeah. That's amazing. And I just kept a asking this chain of questions and the person that I was with, Once I started getting into the, Who is Jesus, what is the Catholic church? When I got to that stage, she was like, No, this is not what I signed up for. You're crazy. I remember these things.

You've lost it, et cetera. And she moved out all her stuff. Okay. Which was everything. And so I was sleeping on the ground and I remember deep levels of pain. And I remember waking up. I was the, I was doing a startup at the time that was failing very little money. I don't even think I could make rent that maybe that month, maybe the next month.

I was like at the end. Yeah. And I remember waking up that one morning, maybe the right, the day after, and I said, This is the worst day of my life. And. I said to God, I won't say it's my first prayer because that would, that might be a little bit too dramatic, but I said, Interiorly, on your worst day, you chose me.

And on my worst day, I will choose you. And that is true. That truly happened that I was sleeping on the ground, maybe a mattress topper, now that I'm thinking about it. Fair enough. And literally every piece of furniture removed, just nothing going right. And from that day, I honestly can tell you to the best of my ability, I tried to be a better Christian every day.

I was not baptized. I maybe had attended church a little bit. Mm-hmm. , But I, I was not in communion with the church. But I was completely convicted of who Jesus was and what the Catholic church is, who Jesus is, and what the Catholic church is, and nothing was going to stop me from that day, from choosing God every day.

Incredible. And what did that do? Everything, because from that point, I have not had any alcohol. Basically, let's say, you know, plus or minus a few months, no alcohol, no drugs, nothing complete, completely clean. From that point I, as you mentioned, I'm now, I was celibate, no relationship for years, and then eventually decided to move forward with my fiance.

We've not kissed, our first kiss will be at the altar when we're married because God has given that grace. Of chastity and abstinence between us. And from that day, I, like I said, was broke, essentially like financially insolvent. And I built and sold a technology startup in the art artificial intelligence space.

And the only reason is because I had to let go of everything and it was God's will that those things happened. And, and many, many, many, many, many other phenomenal, incredible things, the amount of friends I made, the ability to live a virtuous life in the biggest ways and in the smallest ways. And it is all credit to God and it is all credit to that simple choice on that day.

Unbelievable. One thing I wanted to note is, , it took such honesty and humility for you to ask that question after the election, right? Like, like most people would just be like, pissed off and not want to go. I don't know anyone else that happened for Yeah, me neither. So that, that's incredible. And I think that's a grace, right?

Something that, that's really beautiful. And then you just kept seeking and you found the answers. And that's one thing I remember talking with you about too, It'ss, like, right? All these doubts, you had all these questions about whether it was the reliability of, you know, Jesus's story or different questions you had, You sought the answers and you found, you know, very validated scientific answers.

Yeah, that's exactly right. That's a great point to bring up that every, every step of the way, every question that I asked, I was, I was always marveled by how comprehensively it was answered. You know, I, I would, I was so, I was an atheist, by the way. I grew up in a very religious household. We didn't talk about this.

But I, Religion and Hinduism was very important to me. I was the president of the Hindu Students Association in my college. It was an extremely important part of my identity and who I was. And then I became an atheist. That justified my eism. By the way, it's easy to be self seeking and pleasure seeking when no one's watching.

It's very easy to justify that. So it was very part and parcel with the lifestyle that I lived. So as an atheist, and I was so skeptical that I did not believe that a man named Jesus Christ existed. And so the first step was to even an answer that and it, and again, I would just be struck by the coherency of the truth.

And then I would read the gospel according to John. That was, that was advice that was given to me. And I would read it completely and I would say, This is a perfect book. There's nothing wrong with it. How can that be? And every question I had, would be answered in the same way. Not partially, not, not incorrect.

Not, Yeah, not partially. But comprehensively. Wow. Fully, completely Every question, no cracks in the answers, No cracks, no blemish, nothing. Every question that I had about who Jesus was, about Christianity, about Catholicism would be answered utterly and fully. And I think this is actually what's very interesting, because I know people who have wounds not only around their parents, but they have wounds on the church itself.

Yeah. And so it makes it very difficult to actually look at it this way. And this was a great blessing that I had, that I had a complete Tabula Rossa at St. St. Thomas Aquinas would say a blank slate when it came to the Catholic church. I knew nothing, and my level of ignorance was profound. I didn't know what a sin was.

I didn't know what creation was. I didn't know what temptation was. I didn't know what any of it was. So the more I learned about it, I couldn't believe it. Mm-hmm. , it was so simple that. There is a fallen human nature that I had no ability to fight against. And it explained everything that I did. It explained the reason that I would seek all these satisfactions in this earth, and it explained why it never worked, and it explained how to get out.

That's what it was. Yeah. I mean, it was, it was truth in a way that would allow me to get out of what I was doing to myself. That's what I needed. That's what I wanted. And I wrote this in my journal. You know, I, I went back, like, I started keeping a journal around that time from that day that I mentioned.

And I, I thought that I would, I, I wanted to review it and I thought that my motivations for becoming Christian would be impure in some sense or would have some faults, but I was shocked to find when I look back and my thinking at the time that I wanted to change. That was the biggest thing. It wasn't so much this intellectual curiosity, which led me first in the thing, but that last question that I said, how do I become a Catholic Christian?

The reason I asked that question, I desperately wanted to get out from what my life was. I desperately wanted to stop ruining my life over and over again. I have been broke so many times, so many filled relationships, so many filled businesses. I was just, I have had enough of failing. Yeah. Incredible. Wow.

I'm, I'm honestly in awe, like your story is hard to believe in some ways. It's just, it's so incredible and I can relate on some levels. I remember when my parents separated when I was 10, 11 years old. It just shattered my world and I found a lot of comfort and escape in lust and pornography in particular, and some other sexual sins, and it was something that it worked in the moment.

To, to fill that emptiness, but man, it was, I'm miserable and I noticed I would get more miserable the more I did that stuff. Mm-hmm. , And I felt the same way you did in the sense that I want to change, like I want happiness. I, I was a 12 year old, 13 year old kid at the time, but I'm like, if I live my life this way, I, I want to die.

Because this is miserable. And so meeting people who are actually like happy and joyful was like, What is wrong with you people like, I want to be like you. And the, they were, you know, Catholic Christian friends who were, you know, praying, building virtue, They knew their faith, all that stuff. And that motivated me to do that.

But kinda like you said too, there were some impure intentions in the sense that mixed motives, right? Where I was like, Well, I want to like, fit in with these people. Mm. And I felt like such, such a fake mm-hmm. in the beginning, but in time it started to become more authentically me. I, I genuinely changed and it was really beautiful by God's grace, Of course.

So, so I can relate on that front. And I wanted to kind of complete the picture for people. Uh, what is your life like now that you've healed, that you've changed, that you've grown, that you've, you know, built virtue and now you have faith, Like all this stuff has changed in your life. What is your life now because of that?

Yeah, I mean, . The simple answer is that it's the complete opposite. And the question for us to ask is, is that really what you want? You know? And I think the answer for all of us is yes. And the reason I wanted to come on to this program is because I was really wandering aimlessly and the way my life like is like now is purposeful.

I mean that's, that's the foundational difference. There is a meaning to my life and my job and work and existence every day. Hopefully every moment is fulfilling that meaning and fulfilling that purpose. And I had no idea. No one ever told me. I had no idea, because I don't think the human mind can figure that out for themselves.

That's why God came down from heaven. because he gives us that message. And my life now, like I mentioned, is the ability to move past these grave mortal desires. Mm-hmm. and to begin working on the way of perfection, which is to let go of vanity, to let go of even the smallest inkling of anything which keeps me from being the greatest person I can possibly be, which is the person who represents and imitates Christ to the fullest degree possible.

And like him, it is a life of giving. You know, instead of living in a way that I am constantly pursuing self-interest, I am able to live in a way that is giving towards others. My fiance, the people I work with, whatever it is. My friends non-profits, whatever it is. And that is so much more enjoyable and it's so much more complete because before all I concerned myself about was satisfying myself.

And now because I have the confidence and because I anchor myself to what truly matters, I'm able to do what truly matters. You know, there's just, I, I look at it more like I was just cut every day at the stem. Every day I would wake up and I would just snip the fruit, snip the plant, right at the germination.

Mm-hmm. through just an, I mean, I had an impossible task. I had to control my desires and I couldn't. And now I just let that plant grow and it's about participating in a way that. Supports people around me and, and lives with great friendships and it's, it's a life that's fulfilled. I mean, I don't, I don't want to go into, uh, all the ins and outs of my life.

Sure. Cause I don't know that it's, it's necessarily relevant for everyone. But I think what is really great for anyone who has these, like really deep pains from their family that they see themselves trying to satisfy in ways that they recognize, recognize are wrong, That once you can stop doing that, that alone will make you happy.

To be honest. Yeah. Because it's not really about how God uses you in your career or what have you. Yeah. It's just merely the fact that he wants you at all. I mean, that's really the difference. Mm-hmm. , like what I've done in my career since what God has done in my career. You would, I would never have believed you to give, to help me become successful in exactly the realm that I wanted to be the founder of a technology company.

I never believed it, but that's for very few people. Yeah. You know that and that actually, to be honest, that gave me so much less satisfaction than I thought it would, and God is so good for showing me that. Wow. You know, the day after we sold our company, I think I told you I had like 250 net x, 250 X my net worth.

I'm not ashamed to tell you that. Yeah. It did very little for me. Wow. I mean, I couldn't believe that I wanted that for like 10 years did very little for me. What really mattered was just being able to go to church every day and being able to have the friendships and relationships that I have. And then through that, being able to build this really special relationship with my fiance that is actually what matters in my life.

That's beautiful. I had no capability to do that without my faith because. , my temptations, my desires would utterly destroy that. Yeah. Constantly. It's still that li life of meaning, like what, what I hear you saying is now you have a life full of meaning. You, you have a purpose that's bigger than yourself, a deep purpose that's bigger than yourself, which is beautiful.

Instead of taking in the ways in which you did in your former life, you're now giving, which is so beautiful, whether it's in your relationships and work wherever. And uh, and that's incredibly inspiring and I've found similar, uh, truths in my own life to where it's, yeah, it's so much more beautiful to live that sort of life and so much more fulfilling too.

It does require sacrifice. It does require pain. It does require that self-control of saying no to certain things, but there's so much more peace, so much more joy, so much more intimacy and like a depth of your life than living on the surface of pleasure and satisfaction in. Cheap sense of the word. So really beautiful.

One of the things I wanted to highlight though, in your life is just amazing. Like you went from where you were with all these different women partying, all that to now you have this beautiful woman in your life and the marriage. That alone I think is like so noteworthy. Mm. And so I wanted to circle back to that quickly.

How's that gone? Like your past, given your past to whatever level you're comfortable sharing to now building this beautiful relationship, how's that gone? And if you could touch on the whole no kissing thing. I know a lot of people when they were listening, they were like, maybe drop their phone or something.

Yeah. Great. It's a great thought. It's a great question. Everything about how I relate it to my, myself and everything about how he related to other people changed and the, I think the worst, the worst of who I was, was how I interacted, how I related to a romantic partner and. That has been changed completely because when I, when I receive the love of God and really understand and recognize love for what it is, yeah, the, the calling and the experience of loving another person is completely different.

And so, like I mentioned, my fiance and I, we met at church physically. We actually lived right down the street from each other. She was the girl next door. Nice And everything about how I approached our relationship, everything about how I approached romantic interests in her was the complete opposite of everything I had done before.

And first and foremost, it started with friendship. I was incapable before of having a friendship with a person who is a woman incapable. Because if, if we were not moving towards some sort of fleshly outcome, you were of No, there was no purpose in the friendship at all. Yeah. So that's just one that her and I started as friends, truly as friends.

And then from that, you can actually get to know someone. And then I, as I mentioned, I had no idea what a courtship was at all. And with her, I formally asked her if I could pursue her in a relationship. And then we formally went on dates and we formally did these things, building towards a specific future.

Beautiful. Which I was complete. I mean, I never did that before. I literally never did. I have never done that before until I did it with her. And how did I learn that? Through the principle of how you should treat someone. Because it wasn't really by example, It was by learning something new about how I should treat myself and how I should treat someone.

And then after that, it was about formally asking. , whether, you know, talking about marriage, you know, but really specifically going towards this outcome. Mm-hmm. , you know, talking about it, exploring it, and also specifically talking about our relationship with God. You know, bringing that into it constantly.

And when you do that, you think about virtues like chastity or obedience or serving the other person. You know, you think about all these higher callings of how you could interact with someone. Mm-hmm. , and you want to do that because you know, you understand. I understood finally what marriage was. Right. I had no idea.

No clue. Yeah. How would you? No idea. And I, and I also understood what sex was. I had no idea before I learned because the Catholic church taught me what does marriage mean? What does sex human sexuality mean? And so when you learn those things, then you are going to interact with someone very differently.

And it's a, And then it becomes a very natural conclusion that you won't express yourself, You, you'll express yourself physically in the most limited way that you can, in the most prudent, limited way you can. Because we must save everything possible for marriage. Everything we can possibly save for our marriage, we should.

That's what gives it meaning. I have, you know, some friends who, who are not in the church, who knew me from a foreign, and they live in a way that I used to with their partners, et cetera. Mm-hmm. . And they said to me, they asked, How will you know it's good if you never did it? What if it's not good? And I said, My friend, it is because we wait.

That it is good. Beautiful. It is because we place such an importance on it. that it will be good because kissing the value of it and sexuality, the value of it is not the physical human person alone. Mm-hmm. , it's the physical people and the ensoulment that they have. It's the, it's the supernatural person that's underneath.

Mm-hmm. and my fiance and I, from the beginning said, We will keep our marriage as secret as possible when it comes to the nature of this. And like I said, it's amazing. I literally never did that before. I never, I never even, that thought, never even occurred to me. Yeah. Before it's, no, it's such a foreign idea.

And, and, and by the way, what that means is I just have to decide to literal. It, it was just that simple. The the, the idea changed how I approached it mm-hmm. and then it was up to me whether I was gonna follow the idea or not. Yeah. No, it makes so much sense and there's so much more that we can say there.

One thing I did want to point to as well, that question that your friends would ask you, that's something I've heard before too, and I think it's, um, it's awesome to note that you're not marrying her for that purpose. Mm-hmm. , like that's a bonus, that's something beautiful that is a result of your love, but it's not like your, you know, sex life is gonna be the reason you're marrying her.

And so I think it's really beautiful cuz in, in, in our culture there's this pursuit of just pleasure and excitement in, in a sexual relationship. And it's very different in a marriage when you're, your sexuality is an expression of just love. Yeah. And you know, it's funny when you talk about the reason that you get married, She and I are very.

Okay. You know, when we, when we started our relationship, we're all friends in the same community and people couldn't believe it. They were like, This doesn't make any sense, . And they're like, If you guys break up, we're gonna choose her. I just want you to know that . Right. I can guess that and I, but her and I were like, I don't know what you guys are talking about.

This is gonna be great. And it had very little to do with our personalities. I mean, it's a true story of opposites attract, because the foundation of it though is that we both loved going to church and we both loved spirituality and relationship with God. And I have never met anyone who cares about that more than her.

And that was the reason. That was a motivation. Yeah. And it's very funny that it's, that's literally, I would never have thought about that before. It would've been exactly what that pyramid was before inverted and all these different check boxes. But in the end, yeah, it's just about. It takes three to get married, Bishop Fulton, Blessed Fulton Chinen, and it's just two people pointing towards God.

And that is the reason that we can choose to build a relationship in a completely different way than either of us ever have. I mean, she really has never had a serious relationship herself. Okay. So it's new territory for both of us. And the way to do it is just, it's just two people pointing towards God.

It's amazing, and I think there's such a good lesson in what you said too, for all of us listening, and that is whatever you build your relationship upon is what it will stand on. Yes. So if it's built upon fun and pleasure and all that, once that goes away, the relationship will crumble. Exactly. And so building it on such a deeper purpose on a life of love, really of meaning, of giving of yourself, there's really nothing better.

Yeah. That's so beautiful. Yeah. And that's, That's exactly right. Everything else is temporary and. That's, I mean, I've said it here on this program, I went through a profound change and I would say one of the biggest things was that I just let go of everything. Yeah. I really let go of everything, and I know that's very hard for people.

I think I mentioned to you that I lost my identity completely. I just had nothing of, I did not know who I was, and my identity now is centered completely on the Catholic church, and that's hard. I know that's hard for people. That's a, that's a very foreign thing. My hope is, especially if you've been born with a faith and you were introduced to it as a, as a child, that you can make a step towards that and not need the humiliation and self destruction that I needed.

That's like, and I feel like this audience really is an audience that resonates with me very strongly because I. I was going nowhere. Yeah, I mean that's the, that's the gone God's honest truth. And I am doing something now that I didn't learn on my own. I didn't learn from observing at all. I honestly learned it, like I said, by just receiving Catholic teaching.

Whether it's very practical, like within the last century on marriage and sexuality or something that we've known for a long time. I mean, everything about how I approach my relationship with her is all from the Catholic church, everything, because I had nothing else. And anyone can choose that you, I mean, just if you feel like you're really far away, you just have to go to confession.

I mean, it's not that far away from you. It's amazing. I wish we could talk forever. We have to close down, but a few final questions. One, if your parents were listening right now, uh, what would you say to them? What would you want them to know? Ha. That would be a very tenuous, painful discussion, unfortunately.

Fair enough. That's a, that would be very hard. What I would tell to them is that I, I do love you and I I'm so far beyond blaming you anymore, and I'm so far beyond holding you accountable. Like I, we gotta get past this because everyone is, is imperfect. Every person on earth has imperfect parents, myself included, and we can, if we want, argue about who is more imperfect and how my wounds, and, and this was something very huge for me, by the way.

I have a spiritual, spiritual director who said, You have a legitimate wound from your family. And I never thought about that until he said that, that there is such a thing as a legitimate grievance. But if my parents were listening to this, I would recognize my legitimate grievance. Personally with God, but I would tell them, I've moved past this.

Let's all just move past this because there's no point in trying to understand whose grievance is more legitimate or staying attached to it. I mean, that was a huge, huge change for me through the Catholic Church, was actually to acknowledge that I had a legitimate grievance and then see how easy it is, how important it is to move past it.

Let's not say it's easy. No, that would be unfair. Sure. But it is possible for sure. Yeah, and that's amazing that there's an incredible lesson in that because I think a lot of people get stuck and they feel like, Oh, we can't move beyond this. But yeah, I to, I agree. It's solely possible. There's so much more.

I'd love to ask you, uh, if people wanna follow you, how could they follow you and what are you working on now? I know there's a lot of parents who do listen to this show, and I know you have, uh, a lot of advice when it comes to online safety and things like that. I'm not sure if you wanted to touch on that or not feel free, but yeah, what are you up to now and how can people follow you?

You know, I don't have any social media. I'm, I do a lot of content creation, and the biggest part is to just share my love of our faith. If you are interested, I've started another company, which is called PDay email, www.feedday.email. And this is a software platform for email calendar file share. It's similar to like a Google workspace or Microsoft office, and we've built it our own, and we're a Catholic company with Catholic values.

So this is something that if you have a small business or you're worried about big tax censorship, things like that, that's what that's about. But I actually don't talk about it in all my appearances because for me it, it's more just about the story and it's a beautiful story. And in closing out, just wanna ask you, if you could go back in time and talk to that younger you who is living that empty life, who is just seeking all those pleasures and success, what would you.

You're an idiot. . We're done. That's it. , You know what I would say to him? And there's, there's so many different times, different time periods, so I'll say, let's say to the adult, the big change for me was learning how to drive and getting a driver's license because that independence from that point on, there was a lot of chaos.

But whether it was high school or it was in my, you know, my mid twenties when I was in really the, the depths of it, what would I say to myself? I would say, I dunno what he would've listened to. And I tell that to my parents too. I've been very open with them about doing drugs and it is really psycho lifestyle.

I, I've told him the stuff which is very hard for them and they feel bad, but I tell them, and this is confidently, I would never have listened to anything you said. So, but what I would still say to myself at that time, and it would've been the most important thing to know, is that I deserved better. I think the, the, the most dec, the most difficult thing that I didn't understand is that I deserved better than to, to hurt myself so much.

And I deserved more than to ruin my life all the time. I ruin my life over and over again, and I think it's so hard to receive love my friend, like we think that it's easy, but it's actually the most difficult that's, that is actually becoming a saint, is to receive the love of God completely with no filter and no imperfection.

It's very difficult and I, I would do anything I could to say to myself at that time when I was sober that you deserve better. Like you, you deserve better because you are made in the image and likeness of God. Not because you're so smart, not because you went to this good school, not because you make this money, blah, blah, blah.

No, it is just simply because God has made you in his image and likeness that you deserve better, and from that you can do anything. That's what I would tell myself, that you don't have to harm yourself in this way.

There are so many great lessons in that interview from Kalas, and a few of them are one. Every one of us is made for authentic life and nothing else will satisfy All the material. Things that we could have won't satisfy. All the pleasure won't satisfy, all the excitement won't satisfy. We're made for more than all of.

Another lesson related to that is something called the personalistic norm. It sounds fancy, but it's really simple. The only adequate or proper response to another human person is love, which in simple terms really just means desiring and doing what is ultimately best for that person. And the opposite of love is using the person for your own pleasure or for your own good.

Another lesson is if you wanna transform, if you wanna heal, if you want to grow, you have to start by being brutally honest with yourself and humble, because without facing yourself as you are and being humble enough to admit that you're wrong or you're broken in this area or that area, you're gonna keep feeling stuck in life or in your relationships.

Another lesson, whatever you build your relationship on, it will stand on. So if it's built on pleasure, when pleasure goes away, or lessons, it will fall apart. If it's built on good looks, when those looks change or go away, it will fall apart. If it's built on feelings, when those feelings fade. It will fall apart.

But if it's built on authentic love and a desire to really help the person that you love become the best version of themselves, it will last. And so be careful what you build your relationships. And finally, you can heal, You can grow, you can change, you can transform. You can even move beyond the hurt and the trauma in your family.

You can even begin to heal your relationship with your parents like Kala did in his life. And it isn't easy, but it is possible. And we're here to guide you through all of that. One resource that my nonprofit resort offers to anyone from a Broken Family is my book. It's titled, It's Not Your Fault, A Practical Guide to Navigating The Pain and Problems From Your Parents' Divorce.

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Again, that's restored ministry.com/books, or just click on the link in the show notes. Thank you so much for listening. If you know someone who's struggling because of their parents' divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them. Always remember, you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.