#003: How Craving Wholeness Motivated Her to Heal | Beth Sri

Beth’s parents divorced when she was very young. However, she still remembers the cardboard boxes and feeling confused about her dad leaving.

Over the years, she saw her parents’ divorce impact her in various ways. She recalls looking for external approval, feeling lost, and the challenge of constantly navigating between two homes. She also shares what she has done to heal and how her life is better now because of it.

By listening to Beth’s story, you’ll find that no matter how broken you feel or messy life becomes, there’s always hope. She also shares some practical tips on how you can heal too.

At the end of the show, we introduce a free online tool for you to use at RestoredMinistry.com/story

If you love or lead someone with divorced or separated parents, this episode will help you to better understand them and how to help them.

Links & Resources

• Leave your feedback here! If it’s easier, feel free to comment below too.

  [Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through the links below, your purchase will support Restored. Thank you!]

• Books

  • Emotional Agility by Dr. Susan David

  • Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak by Leila Miller

  • Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce by Elizabeth Marquardt

  • Be Healed: A Guide to Encountering the Powerful Love of Jesus in Your Life by Dr. Bob Schuchts

  • Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

• Research

  • The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Dr. Judith Wallerstein

  • Teens who can describe negative emotions are better protected against depression

• Podcast

  • The Place We Find Ourselves by Adam Young

• Join Restored’s private online community here.

• Follow Beth Sri

  • Instagram: @mrsbethsri

  • Facebook: Beth Sri

  • Website: Born to Do This

Enjoy the show?

To be notified when new episodes go live, subscribe below.

Coming Up: Episode #004: 7 Tips to Navigate the Holidays for Children of Divorce

Thanks for listening! Our next episode features 7 tips on how to navigate the holidays for children of divorce, so they can enjoy them and hopefully avoid all the drama.

TRANSCRIPT

Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!

#002: How 70 Adult Children of Divorce Have Suffered | Leila Miller

When your parents separate or divorce, it hurts and you feel alone. You feel like nobody can understand what you are going through.

At Restored, we know how that feels. But we want you to know this: You’re actually not alone.

To prove that, we talk with speaker and author Leila Miller about her book Primal Loss, which features 70 stories from children of divorce. We uncover the shocking ways divorce has affected them, even years later as adults, and some practical advice to deal with it.

If you love or lead someone with divorced or separated parents, Leila offers some practical advice for you too.

Links & Resources

• Leave your feedback here! If it’s easier, feel free to comment below too.

• Book: Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak

  • Get the free digital copy here

  • Buy a physical copy here [Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through this link, your purchase will support Restored. Thank you!]

• Follow Leila Miller

  • Leilamiller.net

  • Leila’s Facebook Page

• Research

  • Dr. Judith Wallerstein's book: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce
    [Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through this link, your purchase will support Restored. Thank you!]

  • 1/3 high conflict divorces, 2/3 low conflict divorces

Enjoy the show?

To be notified when new episodes go live, subscribe below.

Coming Up: Episode #003: How Craving Wholeness Motivated Her to Heal | Beth Sri

Thanks for listening! Our next episode features mother, wife, and leader Beth Sri. She shares her story as a child of divorce, her process of healing, and the transformation she experienced.

TRANSCRIPT

Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!

#001: How Restored Helps Children of Divorce

Are your parents divorced? Are they separated? Has that brought a lot of pain and problems into your life? Do you feel alone and unsure of how to deal with it all?

If you answered yes, the Restored podcast is for you. In this intro episode, we'll talk about how your parents' divorce is still affecting you, what you can do about it, and how this podcast exists to help cope, heal, and feel whole again.

Also, if you love or lead someone with divorced or separated parents, the Restored podcast is also for you. We want to help you, help them.

Links & Resources

• Leave your feedback here! If it’s easier, feel free to comment below too.

• Heritage Foundation Research

• Dr. Paul Amato’s Research

• Dr. Judith Wallerstein's book: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce
  [Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through this link, your purchase will support Restored. Thank you!]

• Research: 1/3 high conflict divorces, 2/3 low conflict divorces

Enjoy the show?

To be notified when new episodes go live, subscribe below.

Coming Up: Episode #002: How 70 Adult Children of Divorce Have Suffered with Leila Miller

Thanks for listening! Our next episode features speaker and author Leila Miller, who wrote the book Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak. [Full Disclaimer: If you purchase through this link, your purchase will support Restored. Thank you!]

TRANSCRIPT

Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!

Are your parents divorced? Are they separated? Has that brought a lot of pain and problems into your life? Do you feel alone? Do you feel broken? Do you feel uncertain of how to deal with it all? If you answer yes to any of those questions, this podcast, the Restored podcast, is for you. Now, if that doesn't describe.

I have another question. Do you love or lead someone with divorced parents or separated parents? If so, the Restored podcast is also for you on it. We feature expert interviews and stories that give practical advice on how to cope and heal after the trauma of your parents' divorce or separation so you can feel hold.

Keep listening.

Welcome to the Restored podcast. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. This is episode one. Thank you so much for listening. In this episode, we're gonna touch on a few things. First, we're gonna talk about how your parents' divorce is affecting you. And what you can do about it. Uh, we'll touch on why studies show that people who come from divorced families typically struggle more in romantic relationships than people who come from intact families.

We're gonna talk about restored. What is restored and why does it exist. What you'll find is that it exists for you, and we're gonna also talk about the plan for this podcast. What's touc come down the road and how this can be valuable. To you if you come from a divorce or separated family or you lead or love someone who does, Anyone from a broken family knows that when your parents separate or divorce, it hurts.

It's painful even when it's absolutely necessary and it makes life harder. A lot of unique problems and challenges that children of divorce have to face that other people. And most young people I've found, feel alone, feel broken, and really uncertain of how to deal with it all. In fact, that was Mary's story as a little girl.

Mary watched her parents fight all the time. Their marriage was a mess, and they needed some serious help, but they never got it. Fast forward to when Mary was in high school, Mary's mom came to her and said, I want to divorce your dad. Mary didn't quite know what to say, so she said, I just want the fighting to stop.

Her mom went through with the divorce and what seemed like a solution to really bad situation, just made things worse. It just brought more pain and problems into their lives instead of fixing them. Now up to that point, uh, Mary was a pretty good girl. She didn't drink or party or do anything like that, but that all changed when she went off to college.

She got into the party scene, started drinking heavily. That led to dating the wrong guys. She married one of those guys. He ended up being a drug addict and an alcoholic. They got pregnant and because Mary was terrified that her baby was gonna grow up in that hell, she got an abortion. That obviously brought a lot more pain into her life and eventually she divorced her own husband, repeating the cycle, started by her parents, and once the dust settled, she fell into a deep depression and she still deals with all of this to this day, years later.

What if Mary could have gotten the help that she needed when she was dealing with all that stuff as a teenager? As a young adult, what if I could have helped Mary? What if restored could have helped Mary, given her the support she needed, helped her learn how to cope in healthy ways instead of unhealthy ways, and how to find real healing.

I can't help but think that her life would not have turned into the tragedy that it became. Mary isn't alone. Each year, over 1 million American children suffer the divorce that our parents. That statistics from the The Heritage Foundation, and if you're one of them, if you're like me and you're one of them, you can relate to Mary's story.

Again, I created this podcast, The Restored Podcast for you specifically. Now, divorce is a heavy topic, but it needs to be talked about. And for anyone listening, especially any parents out there, You know, you've gotten divorced. We're not here to condemn you, right? We're not here to condemn anyone or tear our parents down.

We're rather, we're here to focus on how we can help the children who are often forgotten. Like Mary, my parents are divorced too. I'll never forget the day that they separated. I was 11 years old and my mom sat us down, my siblings and me to break the news, and as soon as I. My whole world just shattered.

Without a doubt. It was the most painful day in my entire life. And as a boy, as an 11 year old boy, I didn't know what to do with that news. I didn't know how to deal with it. And so I just hid the closet and cried, and a million thoughts raced through my head, and I worried about my parents. I worried about my siblings, and I worried about myself and what would happen now sitting there in that closet, I felt so.

I felt extremely abandoned, and I felt like I wasn't good enough because if I was, why were mom and dad going separate ways? I became very bitter, very angry, uh, very sad. I isolated myself and just felt very lonely, and in an attempt to numb the pain, I turned to pleasure. Around that time, a friend showed me some pornography, and so I, I got into porn.

Even though it brought some momentary relief when I was looking at it afterward, I just felt so empty. Even at a young age. I knew that I wanted to be happy, and I knew that this was not making me happy. And so I needed to change. Not long after that, I heard a talk by Jason Everett, and in his talk he spoke about pornography and how harmful it is and how it just poisons us and our future romantic relationships, our future marriages.

Around that time too, I, I met some really good friends. The people I was hanging out with weren't good for me, and so got some new friends and I noticed. When I spent time with them, I was just happier and they happened to be, uh, Christians. They, they were Catholic Christians, and so I, I tried to spend more and more time with them, and that helped a lot.

But even though life was getting better for me, I still felt very broken inside. I knew that I wanted authentic love, I wanted freedom. I wanted happiness, but I felt stuck. I felt held back by my own brokenness. And so I realize this principle that I believe is true for all of us, and that is our untreated brokenness is one of the things that holds us back most from becoming the person we deeply desire to be.

I'll say that again. Our untreated brokenness is one of the things that holds us back most from becoming the person we deeply desire to. And so I knew I needed to heal. I looked around for some help. I looked for a book, a speaker, a retreat, something out there, and I found nothing. There was next and nothing out there to help people like me and certainly nothing practical.

There were some studies and some research that had been done on children of divorce, but nothing specifically speaking into the pain and problems that we deal with, and I knew I wasn't alone. I looked at my siblings and I saw how they were struggl. I looked at friends of mine, close friends of mine, and I saw how they were struggling with their parents' divorce or separation, and I heard about other people too and how they were struggling, and so years later I started restored and ever restored.

We create content that gives practical advice to teens and young adults on how to cope and heal. After the trauma their parents divorced their separat. At this recording, the, the type of content that we produce is talks, podcasts, episodes, and our blog articles. In the future, we're gonna do things like videos, books, and, and much more.

We have a lot planned ahead. We also offer online community just to give support and, uh, help everyone to have a safe place to talk about, uh, the pain and the problems that they deal with from their parents', divorce or separation. And we also have a way to find a coach, a counselor, or a spiritual. Uh, to guide you.

My goal with all this is just to give. What I wish I would've had years ago. Now, I, I mentioned that restored is focused on teens and young adults, so anyone from 13 to 30. But of course, anyone can listen to this podcast and if there's something that's useful for that audience and someone else finds it useful, that's awesome.

We love that. Now, I also mentioned that anyone who loves or leads children of divorce or separation, uh, this is for you too, whether you're, you know, a boyfriend, a girl, Family friend, a cousin, an aunt, an uncle, whatever the case might be. Uh, if you're a teacher, a coach, a youth minister, passer a priest, this is also for you as well.

We wanna help you help them. A little bit about me. I'm not a psychologist, I don't have a PhD, but what I do have is 15 years of experience wrestling with this stuff. I've done 10 years. Spiritual direction or coaching. And if you're not familiar with that, it's just basically a, a mentorship where a coach helps you in life, deal with whatever you're dealing with, and especially helps you grow in your spiritual life.

I've done five years of counseling, three years of listening to people like us and researching this topic heavily. Now I'm not pretending to be perfect and trying to tell you guys that you just need to be like me. Not at all. That's not what this podcast is about. I have learned a lot along the way and I wanna share what I've learned if it's helpful, but we just wanna help you guys and if that means you learn something from me, from my experience and what I've learned in the research, I've.

Great. Um, but maybe it's from someone we bring on the show or a story that you hear. We just wanna help you guys in whatever way we can. And I'm still learning. I'm still growing, I'm still dealing with my own brokenness, but the whole goal here is for me to help the people who are a few steps behind me.

And if I can't help them, then I'm gonna get you the help that you need in some other. Let's talk a bit about divorce and how it affects the children. Now, I think most of you guys would agree that divorce is a tragedy. It's a really sad thing. Even in cases where it's extremely necessary, it's traumatic for the children, right?

It wounds us. It overwhelms our ability to to cope and deal with it all. Even with that, there's some people in the world who say that divorce is such a good thing that we need more divorce. In fact, you can Google this. There is such a thing as divorce parties. These are parties to celebrate your divorce.

You get a divorce, you invite your family, your friends, to celebrate your divorce. It's like a reverse wedding. Now, some people say that divorce doesn't hurt the kids, or you know, they're resilient. We hear that a lot, that the kids are resilient or even if they admit. Divorce does hurt us. The kids, they usually say that it's not very significant.

It's a small hurt and it doesn't last very long. The problem with that is that it's just not true, and even though some people who say that are probably have like the best intentions, they just haven't seen the research. Even those of us though, who do admit that divorce is a bad thing, I think we've just become so numb to it because it's so common.

When I give talks, uh, I ask the audience to raise their hands if they come from a divorce or separated family, or, uh, if they have a friend who does. I know someone who does, and every time I've given it, it's been practically a hundred percent every time. I, I'm pretty sure it's been a hundred percent.

It's hard to count when you're up there, but pretty sure it's always been a hundred percent and. This is a tragedy. This is such a big problem in our world, yet hardly anyone's talking about it. I wanna take a second to speak to those of you who do come from a divorce or a separated family. Guys, I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through.

You've had to endure more pain in your short lives than some people have to deal with in their entire lives. Every child deserves. A healthy family and two parents who love each other and stick together. Guys, the divorce was not your fault. The divorce was not your fault. No matter what anyone says, there's nothing that you could have done to prevent it.

And there's nothing that you did that caused it. It was between your parents, not you. And of course we were affected by it, but it nothing you did cause. After giving a talk recently, a girl came up to me and she confided in me that her dad, even though she's in college now, her dad still blames her for the divorce that happened years ago when she was a kid.

It's so sad, and I want you all to know that you are not doomed to repeat your parents' mistakes. You are not doomed to repeat your parents' mistakes You. Your own story. We fear that, don't we? We're afraid that we're gonna get divorced, that you know our life, our marriage might turn out the same way our parents said.

But I'm here to tell you that you don't have to repeat that past, You can write your own story. Now, diving into some of the research, how does Divorce effect the children? So the research shows that children of divorce are more likely to have social. Behavioral problems, difficulty in their relationship with their parents, difficulty in romantic relationships.

They're more likely to get divorced. They have higher frequencies of depression and violence. Higher risk for suicide attempts, reduce physical health, lower levels of success in school, more emotional problems. And typically have lower self-esteem. Now, this wasn't just one study that found this. This is from a meta-analysis study, which is basically a summary study of 67 different studies about children of divorce and the effect the divorce has on them.

And it was published in the Journal of Family Psychology by Dr. Paul Amato from Penn State University. Another researcher who spent so much time with children of divorce was Dr. Judith Wallerstein, and for 25 years plus, she studied children of divorce and she wrote a book called The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.

And in it she reports her findings from a 25 year long study. She followed around 131 young people from 60 families, and one really important. Note about this study is that she only chose children who never had emotional or developmental problems before the divorce. And she compared them of course, to, uh, children from intact families over the years and after years of researching this, she said our findings challenged the myth that divorce is a transient crisis.

And then as soon as parents reestablish their lives, the children will fully. That doesn't happen. She found in her research that children of divorce were less likely to get married. They were more likely to divorce, less likely to have children. They're more likely to heavily use drugs or alcohol during high school.

They were less likely to finish high school, less likely to go to college, and more likely to drop out. They're far less likely to receive financial support from their parents for college and the men. Interesting. We're far less likely to enter into an intimate relationship. Dr. Judith said parents like to believe that if they are unhappy in their marriage, the children will also be unhappy.

Conversely, if divorce is better for them, it will be better for the children, but things don't work that way. Children frequently do not share their parents unhappiness with a problematic marriage while a divorce brings pain into their lives. That until. Has gone unrecognized. She goes on to say, We are allowing the children to bear the psychological, economic, and moral brunt of divorce.

The really key takeaway from her research is that the effects of divorce actually aren't fully experienced until adulthood years later, and the most obvious way that it becomes apparent. Is in our future romantic relationships. And you might be wondering why is that? We're gonna get into that in future episodes of the podcast.

But a basic, the basic reason why is that we lack a roadmap for love. We don't have a roadmap for love. Our concept of love and marriage is very broken because more than anyone else, our parents teach us about marriage and they teach us about love. And if we didn't see that go. Then we have a really broken idea of what it's supposed to look like, and I think that's a big reason why we're less likely to marry and more likely to get divorce.

I mentioned that we're gonna talk about that in future podcasts. We're also gonna talk about what you can do about it. At this point, I hope you can see that divorce is bad for the children, even in. When it's necessary, it may just be the lesser of two evils. And it's painful, right? It makes our lives harder.

Now, you may be thinking, are there ever any exceptions to this? And you probably caught what I've said a few times, that there's extreme cases where it is necessary. And before I get into those cases, I just wanna say, The goal is always to reunite the couple and bring the family back together if it's possible.

And sometimes it's not possible, right? We're under no illusion here at ReSTOR, but that's always the goal. Now, some of the cases where divorce is necessary is when there's violence, when there's abuse, you know, no one should live in that situation. We are. Encouraging that at all. You know, you there needs to be physical separation in that case, and if it's necessary, divorce extremely high conflict marriages where there's just always so much drama.

Now, side note on that, research shows that less than one third of divorces are actually like that. I always thought it was much more, but less than one third of divorces are actually like that. And more than two thirds, more than 66% of divorces are actually low conflict. So they don't have all that drama.

They don't have, you know, maybe the violence or the abuse. And the last reason I'll mention is for legal reasons. So imagine a mom who is a full-time mom. She, she's at home with the kids and maybe she has three kids, let's say, and dad one day just picks up and leaves with another. At that point, it may be necessary for the mom to pursue a divorce in order for her to get some money for her and the kids and provide for herself and just while she gets on her feet.

Again. Having said all of that, I want you to know that we're not belittling parents or their suffering. I can imagine what it's like to live in. Difficult marriage. I am married, so I know that marriage can be hard, but I can't imagine to live in something that's so intense. That being said, we believe that children, parents, and society deserve better than divorce.

We believe that we need to be supporting them. Supporting these families, supporting these marriages and helping them fix or heal the problems in their marriage and help them thrive, help them have great marriages, instead of leaving them feel like they only have one option and that's to leave their spouse or to get a divorce.

In the majority of cases, there's simply a better way and we need to be doing all that we can, uh, to help couples like that. If your parents are divorced or separat, I know hearing all this can be pretty depressing, so bear with me. There is hope. The first thing I want you to know is that you're not alone.

You're not alone to face all of this. We're here to help you. You are the hero of your story, and we just want to guide you. We just wanna help you along your journey. How are we gonna do that? We actually have a very simple plan. The goal of this podcast is to offer practical advice from expert interviews and stories.

Focus on two area. The first area, how to cope in healthy ways. The second area, how to actually heal the expert. Interviews are gonna be conducted with authors, speakers, researchers, psychologists, counselors, marriage experts, uh, spiritual coaches, life coaches and so on. In these interviews, I'm gonna be asking questions like, how do you begin to.

Right. What's the process look like? How does someone overcome their porn addiction? Right? Drinking habit, overeating, cutting. The list goes on and on. How do I cure the loneliness? I feel, How can I overcome my fear of love? How do I build a really good marriage when I didn't see it at home? How do I build a divorce proof?

And so many more questions like that. The idea with the interviews is for us to do the hard work and give you access to people who you may not have access to In this podcast. For the stories, we're gonna be talking to other children of divorce, especially those who are older, so they can shed light on not only what happened and the pain and the problems that they dealt with, but also.

How they found healing and what their life looks like now, and how they feel so different now because they went through the healing process. You may be wondering, why are we gonna focus on coping and healing? Specifically, coping is all about survival. In simple terms, coping is the thoughts that we have or the actions we take, and in response to the pain and problems in our lives and the stress in our lives.

And what I've seen in my own life and working with and speaking to so many children of divorce is that when your parents separate or divorce, it hurts, right? It's painful. It brings a lot of problems into our lives and to numb the pain and distract ourselves from the problems that we face, we usually.

to unhealthy things, right? We turn to unhealthy ways of coping. Like I mentioned porn in my own story, drinking drugs. The list goes on, and when we do those things and we seek and escape in that way, it always leaves us feeling empty, and it certainly doesn't make the pain or the problems go away. It doesn't solve anything.

And so it's so important that we learn to cope in healthy. If we wanna find the freedom and the happiness that we long for, because life in our family situation is gonna throw a lot more pain and problems at us. We're also gonna get into specific situations and, and how to deal with them situations like, you know, what do you do when your parents turn to you for emotional support in an unhealthy.

Or what do you do when mom or dad starts talking bad about the other one? What do you say in that situation now? How do you set healthy boundaries? What do you do when holidays come around and it's really painful and, and much more. There's so many unique and difficult situations that we wanna help you learn to navigate, uh, and deal with.

Now, shifting gears from coping to healing. Healing is all about growing and thriving. If you, if you Google healing, You'll see that it's the process of becoming healthy and whole. And we all know what this looks like in physical healing, right? You break your arm, you go to the doctor, they examine your arm, you know, they put you in a cast.

Maybe they have to do surgery or do something more extreme, but they give you pain medication and you know, you do physical therapy for a while and then eventually your arm is, is whole. It's, it's healthy. The same thing needs to happen in our emotional and psychological lives too, because we experience very real injuries, very real hurt in those areas of our lives.

But because we can't see them often, we don't do anything about it. You. As I've said a few times now, when our parents separat a divorce, it wounds us. It hurts and left untreated. Those wounds usually bring more pain and problems into our lives, and they, they hold us back in life, right? They give us that feeling of being stuck.

So we can't simply treat the symptoms in our lives, the porn, the drinking, the drugs, whatever else it might be. We have to go underneath and get at the root cause, the root issue. And I, I noticed that in my own life. Like I said, you know, when I got porn out of my life, life was better, but I still felt broken.

And so I was just treating the symptoms and I think so often in a world we do that, right? We just treat symptoms, we don't actually get to the root problem. One of my parents separated. It left me feeling, uh, abandoned and not good enough. And those are very real wounds. A wound of abandonment and really a wound of inadequacy or just not feeling like you are enough.

So many of us. When we experience wounds like that, we stuff them away. Now, if you stuff your wounds away, or you live with them for so long, they'll seem normal. You'll just think that, well, this is the way that life is and this is the way it's always going to be. And I'm here to tell you guys, that's not true.

All right. Your life can be better than it is today. You can actually find healing. You can actually reverse those unhealthy ways of coping. You can find freedom from your wounds, and you can feel whole, and we're gonna prove it to you in this podcast through the stories that we tell. Two obstacles I think we face when it comes to healing is that one, we don't make it a priority.

Like I said, we might. Get comfortable in life. So we don't give any time or attention or effort, uh, to dealing with it. And I hope that through listening to this podcast and these future episodes, you'll realize that healing is actually worth the effort. It's worth your time. It's even worth the pain that you're gonna need to go through to find it.

The second thing I think is we don't know how, We don't know how to heal. Over the years, I asked so many people, How do I heal? And to be honest with you, I didn't get very good answers. Certainly not practical and actionable answers. And so listening to this podcast, our hope is that you'll know how to heal, and we're working hard to make all of this content, all the advice that we're giving.

Very practical, simple, and actionable stuff you can actually start doing in your life. I want to end with this. You may be thinking, what's the point of all this? Why do I even need to heal? Why do I need to find healthy ways of coping? Why can't I just leave what's in the past, in the past and be done with it?

I wanna tell you a beautiful story of Lina Everett's healing. Uh, as a response to those questions, her earliest memories are of her dad hitting her mom, her, her parents got divorced as well. She suffered sexual abuse and high school. She got into drugs, alcohol, sex, and she just felt miserable. Too similar to me.

She heard a talk that changed her life. And she stopped drinking, stopped doing drugs, and stopped sleeping around, and it was difficult for her, but life got better. But even though life got better, she still felt broken, and it wasn't until a few years into marriage. When she became a, a mother that her brokenness started to surface.

She started to feel angry a lot and just was experiencing all these messy emotions. And what she realized is that for so long she had stuffed to weigh so much of her brokenness, and she was seeing it come out now on her children and her marriage on her husband, and so she said, This stops with me because she knew that if she continued down this path, she was gonna pass on her brokenness to her husband and to her kids.

And so she dedicated herself to her healing and she got a counselor. She went to counseling. She got a good spiritual coach. She's Catholic, so she spent a ton of time praying, spent a lot of time in adoration, and this was a three year major healing process. Afterward, she said that she felt so transformed.

She felt so free. She felt so light, she felt more confident, she felt stronger. She felt like a better wife, a better mother. She wasn't ashamed of her past. She didn't feel the need to keep secrets. In short, she just felt so free, so whole, and she just wasn't afraid. Guys, that is what healing is meant to do for you.

That's what I want for all of you to experience the freedom and wholeness like Sina felt, and I, I wanted you to imagine that. Imagine that you feel like Chris Sele very broken, all these messy emotions. A lot of pain and problems in your life, and then imagine going through that healing process and feeling so transformed.

Life isn't perfect, but you are better, and you are stronger, and you're more confident and you're, you're experiencing that freedom that you long for and you feel whole, not broken. And we have to acknowledge too, that at an extreme, our lives could become like Mary's life. They can turn into a sort of tragedy or maybe it's not that extreme and maybe life just continues on, but we lack the meaning that we long for, we lack the freedom that we long for life is kind of dull.

It's not the adventure that we want it to be. And I, I don't say that to scare you, but just to acknowledge the fact that if we don't do anything about our broken. Then that's the path that we're heading down, and I wanna leave you with this. It's a quote I heard the other day that's attributed to CS Lewis.

He said, You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. We can't reverse what happened to us. We can't change our past. In that sense, we are a victim, but we're not meant to remain victims. We can write our own story and we can choose. What our future will be like.

We can heal, we can grow. We can learn how to deal with the pain and the problems in our lives in a healthy way. Guys, that's what we want for you, and we're gonna help you get there. With this podcast, we're working hard to really make this useful and valuable to you. And if it was useful and it was, I invite you to subscribe just so you'll be notified of, of new episodes that come out, and you can do that just on your preferred podcast app.

Otherwise, you can go to our website, restored ministry.com/podcast. Uh, again, that's restored. Ministry Ministry is just singular restored ministry.com/podcast. When you go on that page, you'll enter your email and your name and we'll notify you when new episodes. Thank you so much for listening. Always remember, you're not alone.

We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person. You deeply desire to be.

Watching Your Family Die

The story below is from an anonymous author, written at 21 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

I don’t know exactly why my parents chose to separate and pursue divorce. They have never seemed to get along super well, but as a child, I failed to realize the depth of the issues that were going on.

My mom planned to be with another man years before I was born, but somehow changed her mind. After I was born, she packed my brother and me in the car and threatened to leave my dad unless he did what she wanted. This happened on several occasions.

My parents never slept in the same room when I was growing up. I can remember telling them they should go to dinner together when I was younger, but they would almost always decline, saying that they didn’t want to leave me and my brother alone (my brother is two-and-a-half years older than me). When they did spend time together, they would return from their outing irritable. My mother would go to her room and my dad would go into his office and work (he worked from home).

Their fighting used to make me upset and insecure as a kid, but when they converted to Catholicism, I thought they would be together forever since the Church does not support divorce. I failed to realize the difference between divorce and separation, however.

I also failed to fully realize that my parents were human and therefore not perfect. More recently, family issues have escalated. These have resulted in my dad pursuing legal separation or divorce – whichever is cheaper.

My brother recently overheard a phone conversation my mom had in which she expressed plans to be intimate with the man on the phone, but said she couldn’t because she already made plans to be intimate with a different man (and it’s not my dad). I am sure this has not helped her relationship with my dad.

My parents are still separated, but have not actually moved apart yet. They live separated under the same roof. Yes, it is as miserable as it sounds.

HOW THE SEPARATION MADE HER FEEL

When my mom told me she and my dad were separated, I can’t even describe how horrible I felt. It was like my world was falling apart in a thousand ways, like my image of family being forever was a lie, like even my faith was somehow flawed. After all, they were Catholic! Separation led to divorce, and divorce wasn’t a thing.

I wondered how God could have let this happen, and I wondered what was going to happen to me. I was looking at colleges at the time and had planned to go to school close to home so that I could commute. Where would I be living now? Would I have to go back and forth between my mom and dad? Or was I old enough to decide for myself? I had a horrible knot in my stomach that has never really left.

I remember how I felt when I went to bed that evening. My world was shattered and my heart was broken, but maybe it was just a bad dream. When I woke up the next morning, the memories of the previous evening washed over me. I felt hopeless, miserable, abandoned by God, and terribly alone, like someone had removed me from my home and left me in the middle of nowhere with no supplies and only the assurance that I would figure it out. I remember the feeling so acutely because every morning since then I have felt that way to some degree.

HOW HER PARENTS' SEPARATION HAS IMPACTED HER

My parents’ separation has impacted me in a multitude of ways, some of which I am still working to identify.

I blamed and still blame myself for the separation, largely because I was told it was my fault. This has led me to struggle with really disliking myself.

I don’t trust people and I don’t trust God. After all, if my own parents couldn’t be trusted, how can I trust other people? And if parents are spiteful, how do I know that God the Father isn’t more of a Zeus-like god, striking me with a spiritual lightning bolt when I step out of line?

I struggle in all of my relationships because of my lack of trust, and I can’t even imagine being in a romantic relationship. Marriage seems to frequently end in misery, and even though I know this is not true all the time, I still struggle with feeling that it is not worth it.

Parents (or at least my parents) comfort themselves with the thought that their kids are resilient and will be just fine, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that our worlds are destroyed by the dissolution of our parents’ marriage.

I struggle on a nearly daily basis with suicidal thoughts, and though I have never attempted it, I have come very close. Sometimes, the family tensions are so enormous that the only means I have of dealing with them is cutting. It is a terrible coping skill that I would not recommend to anyone. Please, if you are reading this and thinking of using self-harm as a coping skill, do not do it!

Family problems are intense, horrible, destructive, and can make you feel utterly miserable. Talk to someone. Go for a walk or a run. Listen to music. Pray. You are strong and you will get through this. Don’t give in and don’t give up.

Despite the negative changes, my parents’ separation has also changed me in positive ways.

I am far more independent now. I am closer to my extended family than I was before (I have lived with all of my local extended family at some point since the separation). I can empathize with people who are struggling because of their parents’ divorce/separation. Almost all of my friends at college come from broken families, so the benefits of being able to empathize should not be overlooked.

Even though I struggle with my faith more now, I also think I am closer to it. My self-harm habit has put me in the confessional a ridiculous number of times (I have most definitely found myself saying, “forgive me Father for I have sinned, it’s been a day-and-a-half since my last confession”), but this has also allowed me to encounter the love and mercy of Christ. No matter how many times I fall, He is there to forgive me and pull me back on my feet.

My parents’ separation has led me to view life differently, to realize that even seemingly perfect families have their demons, and to understand just how difficult parenthood and family life are.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

It is so hard to give advice for this situation.

I guess I would start first with this: God loves you. I know it sounds cheesy and unhelpful, but it’s true. Nothing can separate you from the love of God. Your parents might not seem to care about you while they wage war against each other; God cares. Maybe one of your parents is leaving you; God will never leave you. Draw close to Him. Tell Him how you feel. If you can’t trust anyone else, trust Him.

I love the song “Stars” by Skillet because it talks about everything God created, how He holds the stars in place, how He tells the oceans how to form, and how despite all of these majestic things He created, He also holds and knows your heart and calls you by name. You are just as majestic as the heavens and the seas to Him.

Second: it’s not your fault. Maybe your parents told you it’s your fault, so you blame yourself. Maybe they didn’t, but you think that if you just hadn’t acted out that one time (or all those times). Or if you had done what your mom or dad told you to do the first time. Or if you had done your chores. Or if you had been a perfect son/daughter. Then your parents wouldn’t have split. It doesn’t matter. Your parents made a vow to each other and to God, and they were to stay true to those vows, no matter what happened. Nothing you have done can change that.

Third: reach out to someone. Maybe you are comfortable talking to someone you know well, or maybe you are afraid of what a friend might think and you would rather talk to someone you don’t know well. Maybe you want to talk to a counselor. Whoever it is, just PLEASE reach out.

The thoughts and feelings that stem from your parents’ marriage dissolving are powerful, overwhelming, and too much to keep locked in your own head. I know it hurts. I know you don’t want to talk about it. But you will most likely find that talking will help. It helps even more to talk to someone who experienced divorce and/or separation as a kid themselves.

Fourth: it’s okay to not be okay. I think people try to console children of divorce/separation with comments like “at least there isn’t abuse,” “at least you know your parents love you,” “there won’t be as much fighting now,” or “it will get better.” Even worse, you might have been told that you need to get over it, that it has been long enough that you should be over it, or that your parents weren’t happily married and so the destruction of their marriage was necessary since everyone deserves to be happy.

When I found out my mom was cheating on my dad, two people told me “I know you are upset, but your mom is cheating on your dad, not on you.” Though well-intentioned, that comment did not help at all. When a loved one passes away, it is expected for you to mourn. Why shouldn’t it be the same when you are watching your family die? Your world is being shaken. You are the physical manifestation of your parents’ vocation and love for one another. It is understandable that you feel upset, broken, and just not okay.

Fifth and lastly: try to be gentle with your parents. I know they are the source of your pain. I know they are difficult. I know they try to make you choose sides, and then get upset when/if you do. I know they act more like a child than you. I know that the parent-child role is reversed and you feel like it is your job to be the parent to your squabbling, toddler-like parents.

My grandmother called me one day and asked me to physically check on my mother, or to have my dad do it, as she was worried my mother was a risk to herself. My dad thought it wasn’t serious, so I had to drive over to my parents’ place (as I mentioned previously, they were and are separated, but living in the same house). She was fine and very condescending about my concern for her.

It is hard in these moments to gentle, kind, and merciful to our parents when we really just want to throw things and scream. But we are called to honor our parents (when they are acting reasonable) and to love and forgive always.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

I don't know what specifically needs to be done, but teens and young adults from divorced and separated families need to know that someone cares about them. There are so many support groups out there for spouses who are divorcing/separating, but almost nothing for the kids. These teens and young adults need support too. I am not sure what form that support needs to take, however.

---

Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Just Want to Feel Healed

The story below is from an anonymous author, written at 25 years old. He gave permission for this story to be told.

HIS STORY

My parents were always arguing when I was younger and I think my dad had another woman. He moved to a different city and then my mum followed. Mum has Alzheimer's now so I don't know her version of events but my dad said they became just like friends which I take to mean he was unhappy with their sex life.

I used to blame my dad for everything but now I realise there were two adults involved. Mum could be extremely stubborn and just did things her way. Dad is very unstable and mentally ill.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL

For years I suppressed it especially as my dad had two further divorces and my mum got dementia when I was 16. It was normal at school, even though it was Catholic, and nobody cared. All people care about is the adults having 'freedom of choice'. I feel sad, lonely and disparate, like I have two irreconcilable sides to my personality. I just want to feel healed but I am carrying around all of these wounds and scars.

I really liked where we were originally and my whole life was totally uprooted because of my parents' inability to love one another. Looking back now I feel like they failed me and can't help but feel that if they loved me more then they would've stayed together. Why weren't me and my siblings good enough?

HOW HIS PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HIM

From 17-24 I slept around, did drugs, drank, smoked and treated women like sexual objects. My dad was a womanizer so I just followed suit. I hated God and was angry. I had this constant feeling of melancholia and I never understood why. I suppressed it and told myself I was stupid and a baby. I hated myself and still do sometimes.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED

Don't let people tell you to be grateful that you have two sets of Christmas presents or that it's “normal.” Don't listen to the lies. Allow yourself to be sad because you need healing. Reject the culture around divorce. Lies everywhere we look. Finally, don't blame yourself even though that's the easy thing to do.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

The Catholic Church needs to be more proactive about it and stop focusing their attention on trying to give communion to the divorced and remarried. There ought to be greater understanding about the hurt it causes and how we can overcome it. It's such an overwhelming problem I think the Church is scared to tackle it head on through fear it will offend people and drive them away but the children come first.

---

Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Felt Incredibly Betrayed

The story below is from Ashlyn, written at 26 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

I was 24 when my parents finally divorced after years of infidelity, countless arguments that ended yelling at each other long into the night, and many other lies and wounds. I grew up in a large Christian family. We always attended church together and my family was the "staple" Christian family at said church gatherings. But as long as I can remember my parents argued. My parents were angry with each other and there was a lot of dishonesty in their relationship and eventually, it led to their divorce.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

The divorce was incredibly difficult at first, and still is at times. I was a young adult already on my own when it happened, but I had an unshakable feeling of shame and embarrassment of my family. I often questioned myself and would ask questions like; "Am I like my parents? Am I a product of a broken divorced family? Am I guilty for this?" I felt incredibly betrayed by God, my parents, and even other family members. I was always taught that marriage is forever and that you do not break the vows you made at the altar, so when I saw my parents doing this it almost destroyed everything I ever understood or knew about marriage and family.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

My parents’ divorce has impacted me as an adult substantially because I still have young siblings at home. I often felt like I had to step up and keep the peace between my parents for the sake of my younger siblings. I felt like I had to take care of them which caused me to ignore my own feelings and my own experience of the divorce for a long time. I also have shame and embarrassment when I talk about my parents’ divorce because I am Catholic and Catholics aren't supposed to get divorced.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCEd OR SEPARATED

Develop your relationship with Jesus and allow yourself to experience all the feelings that come with the situation.

Additionally, I would encourage you to set boundaries with your parents. I often found myself in the middle of my parent's arguments growing up which caused a great deal of confusion and harm to me. When I finally told my parents I was not going to participate or talk poorly about the other parent I found a lot of freedom and was able to move on the way I needed to.

Seek counseling and spiritual direction.

Do not allow your parents’ divorce cloud your view of marriage and family.

Share your story honestly. When I finally started sharing my story with others I realized I was not alone and that my story was not shameful or my fault. That is when I started to receive the most healing.

Take care of yourself. You have the freedom to change your situation. I am in the process of trying to change mine by moving out of the state where my parents reside. I have realized that I am not responsible for my parents and that it is not my duty to keep the family together.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

Better counseling and better services within the Catholic Church. Many of us feel shame because the Catholic Church doesn't do a good job of providing ministries or support groups. It is not discussed in a manner that is helpful.

---

Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Am More Than My Pain

The story below is from an anonymous author, written at 22 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

I had a great childhood, very happy! When I was about 10, my dad got an apartment for work, or that’s what they told us kids. They separated for a brief period of time and got back together and had my little sister in the process. After that, to me, their relationship was never quite the same.

As I got into high school, I battled heavily with depression and loneliness my first year. It got so bad that I had to switch high schools midway through my sophomore year. My Sweet Sixteen was about two months after I switched. It was anything but sweet. My mom was the only one who celebrated it with me saying my dad was at “work”. That next week, I came home from Youth Group and almost instinctively knew what was going to happen.

Usually, I’d get home and my parents would be fighting, instead there was silence. They asked me if we could talk in their room. This wasn’t a good sign because they were together, not fighting for the first time in weeks. That’s how I knew. They told me how much they loved me and that they were getting a divorce. I broke down, my dad already was living in an apartment and I didn’t even pick up on it. I was the oldest of the four of us so they told me first and then my siblings after me. I walked out of the room crying and then my brother knew what was coming too. My life was impacted in every way from that point on.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

The divorce made me feel unlovable because if my parents weren’t willing to fight for each other, they definitely weren’t willing to fight for me. There was so much extra drama that was happening around it as well that I just felt drained. I remember asking my mom what happened and she said, “We just fell out of love” and I remember thinking “You don’t fall out of true, authentic love so it must not have been love to being with” which I later translated as one or both of them made the CHOICE not to love anymore.

The day after they told us, there was a Reconciliation service at my high school and I went to Confession with one of my great Priest friends. I broke down in front of him, like ugly crying! It was such a release! The bad part is they spread the priest out around the gym since they didn’t have room, so people saw me, but I finally got to tell someone who wouldn’t feel sorry for me. Once I started telling friends, they all just said: “I’m sorry, I understand”. I wanted to stop feeling like the victim and I wanted it to stop being the sole topic of conversation!

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

As an adult now, SO much healing has taken place! Our Lord is so good and so loving and He met me in my mess!

About a year ago, I was talking to my mom about how I was discerning my vocation. You don’t know your vocation until you’re at the altar, but at this point in my life, I believe I’m called to marriage. Anyway, I was talking to my mom and I said, “I’m so scared to get married because I can’t go through divorce again.” There was a brief pause in the phone and she said something that will impact me the rest of my life: “Maybe that’s why God called you to marriage, because you’re scared, because it will make you holy. Marriage may be the very thing that makes you a saint!” Mind. Blown.

Ever since that moment, a lot of healing has taken place and, even though both of my parents are dating now, both of them (my dad did not regularly attend) are now attending Mass regularly which wasn’t a thing that was happening even a year ago. I really want my parents to get an annulment because, in the eyes of the Church, they are still married and should not be receiving Communion since they are both in relationships, but I’m taking baby steps to get to that point. My parents divorce will always impact me, but it’s something where God took ashes of my life and made them into diamonds.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCEd OR SEPARATED

Here’s the very first thing you need to know: It’s NOT your fault, no matter how many times your tell yourself it is, it’s not! Satan, the Father of Lies, will work as hard as he can to make you believe that it is.

Secondly, YOU are loved, you are SO loved, it is unbelievable how loved you are! There’s gonna be people that tell you things like “I’m sorry” or “I understand.” Honestly, that was the thing I hated the most because they actually don’t unless their own parents got divorced.

I would say just find a community, like this one to talk about it. It is such a release to just get all of your feelings out. I wrote letters and burned them as well and that helped, but I think the thing that helped the most was spending time with the Lord in Eucharistic Adoration as much as I could. I would go everyday between the time I got dropped off for school and the time that the bus came since my bus stop was at my siblings school/church. It gave me such healing because I could rest in the Arms of a Father who would never leave me. I started praying a daily Rosary and also rested in the Heart of my Heavenly Mother. It helped so much to know that I was more than my pain, more than my cross, more than my sin because I was His daughter! Know that you are infinitely loved by our father in Heaven!

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

Well, first off, I think that this community is a GREAT start. If I had known about it, I would definitely have utilized it at the time. I think that kids need to not be made to feel like victims. Kids need to know that they have peers their own age who actually DO understand. Also, I think that there needs to be an understanding that parents are not going to put their kids in the middle because that makes it worse. I think that talking with a priest needs to be immediately available because they can help so much just to make sense of all of it. My priest friend had parents who divorced when he was a teen as well and it was so nice to have someone who understood where I was coming from!

---

Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

Family Always Has Felt Dangerous and Unpredictable

The story below is from an anonymous author that we’ll call Jennifer, written at 26 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

My first memory related to my parents' divorce took place in the summer after my fourth grade year. I was in the car with my mom and two of her cousins, who she had always been close with. We were driving through a part of town that was unfamiliar to me until we finally pulled up along the sidewalk outside of a small office building, and the car came to a halt. My mom turned to her cousins and said, "I have to do this," got out of the car, and walked into the building. I had no idea where we were, what was in the building, or what she "had to do." I later learned that the building was the leasing office for an apartment complex in a suburb about 20 minutes from my childhood home. I didn't know this until much later, but my mom had been seeking employment, and also a new place for us to live. 

A few months later after I had started fifth grade, my mom picked me up from school and said she had something she wanted to show me. We drove for a while and arrived at a small townhouse. My mom took me inside and showed me all the rooms. I remember lots of white walls and blankness. She showed me the room that was to be mine. It was much larger than my bedroom at home and this excited me. It even had its own bathroom! But I had a sinking feeling about it all. "Are we moving here with dad?" I asked my mom when we got back in the car. "No," she told me, "we would be moving here without dad." 

We celebrated our last Christmas as a family and my mom and I moved into the townhouse right after the new year. My dad continued living in our old home and I visited him on the weekends. Not long after the divorce, my dad began dating someone. His girlfriend lived an hour away and we soon found ourselves spending the weekends at her house rather than his. I hated the back and forth of custody, hated spending my weekends an hour from my home, my mom, and my friends, in what was essentially the house of a stranger. But I began to hate it all even more during my seventh grade year when my dad and his girlfriend bought a house an hour away from my hometown. 

I still visited every weekend - Thursdays meant packing my suitcase, Fridays meant dad would pick me up from school and take me against my will to the new house. Saturdays - the day that most people look forward to - were my least favorite day of the week for my entire adolescence, because they meant both waking up and going to sleep away from home. Sundays meant counting down the hours, all day long. I remember getting to my dad's house on Friday nights, going straight to my room, looking at the clock beside my bed, counting how many hours I had to kill before I would be home again. This went on roughly until college. 

My parents had what society would call a "good divorce." They were civil to each other, able to communicate about issues and logistics involving me, and I always knew they both loved me very much. They both attended my milestones and celebrations and I never had to worry about either of them making a scene if they were in the same room together. But even with all those things working in my favor, it was still difficult and unpleasant, and created lasting effects that I notice in myself to this day.

HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL

During my teen years, in the height of it all, I remember thinking I was unaffected. I had heard about children who had not adjusted well to divorce and were in therapy or noticed significant changes in their school performance and personality. I wasn't in therapy, my grades didn't change, and I had lots of friends, so I assumed I had gotten through unscathed.

I did, however, struggle with a lot of anxiety, particularly when I was at my dad's house on the weekends. I was unhappy, always waiting to turn 18 so I wouldn't have to feel like cargo anymore. I remember many holidays spent in tears because I didn't want to leave my mom's family to go spend time with my step-family. I remember the feeling that it didn't matter what I wanted, or where I wanted to be, or how I was feeling - if it was time to get picked up or dropped off or transferred from one car to the other, I had to go.

I remember starting middle school and high school and feeling left out when my friends would talk about weekend plans, because I knew I had to travel an hour away and spend my weekends in a place where I knew no one. My friends would talk on Monday morning about the things they had done together over the weekend, and there were lots of times that the divorce had kept me from being able to share those experiences with them.

As I got further into high school, my parents were very understanding about this and worked with me to allow me to spend time with my friends on the weekends, even if that meant spending only half the weekend with my dad rather than the full weekend. I was very grateful for their willingness to be lenient when it came to this.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

As an adult, I feel much safer placing work above family. I now see that this tendency stems directly from the coping mechanisms I used to deal with the divorce during my teenage years. When I had to go to my dad's house on the weekends, I would hide in my homework. If my dad wanted me to come out of my room and spend time with my stepmom or stepsister, or if we had an event to go to with my step-family, I would always say I had homework to do. I would assign myself extra homework or read ahead in my textbooks to avoid engaging with my step-family when I was visiting my dad.

When I turned 17, I got my first job and I always tried to be scheduled on weekends and holidays. Having to work on a Friday night or Saturday meant not having to spend the entire weekend at my dad's. Having to work on Sunday meant getting to come home early. I quickly figured out that being scheduled to work was the only excuse in my life significant enough to get me out of going to my dad's house, so I became very invested in my retail job.

It wasn't until recently that I noticed the pattern. My fiancé is very family oriented and while I like the idea of family, I love the idea of independence. When I began getting intimidated by frequent family gatherings, I caught myself grasping for work events. It was then that I realized I use work to escape family, because family has always felt dangerous and unpredictable and work has always been the one area of my life that I could control, making it the safest.

Also, when I began dating, I noticed myself pursuing men who I perceived to be "safe" over men who I was more interested in or attracted to. My subconscious number one criteria for dating has always been to find someone who does not seem likely to ever end the relationship.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCE OR SEPARATED

I think I would tell them to develop their relationship with God. That was one thing that helped get me through my parents' divorce, and I believe that a large part of the faith I have in my life today is because of that foundation of forming a friendship and trust in God at a time when I was young and vulnerable. I turned to a lot of things to distract myself from my situation during my adolescence (school, music, writing, etc.) but one of the things I turned to was God and my Catholic faith, and I believe that without that early experience of relying upon God when I needed Him most, I might not be the religious person I am today.

I would also tell them to stay close to their siblings, if they have siblings. I do not have siblings, so I navigated the pain and confusion of my parents' divorce completely alone. I wish that weren't the case. I wish I'd had even just one sibling to go through it with, because we could have helped each other. I'd imagine that if I had a brother or sister, we would be so close as adults because of having gotten through that difficult time together.

Finally, I would tell them to try to enjoy their childhood and adolescence even though that may not always be easy. I spent a lot of my time as a teenager complaining because I thought that if I showed my parents how miserable I was, they would fix the situation. What I learned is that when you make yourself miserable, you only hurt yourself and you waste your own time. If I could go back I would probably try to enjoy things a little more, even if they were things I didn't want to do, because if I had allowed myself to be fully present during that time, I might have surprised myself by having meaningful experiences that I would be thankful for today.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

I think there is a shortage of resources directed at young adults from divorced homes. Divorce support focuses on the adults going through the divorce. I think creating a community like Restored and allowing young adults to share their stories can be such a huge help to others going through the same thing. I would love to hear stories from other young adults who dealt with divorce growing up. I would love the opportunity to talk with them, share stories (even sad or painful stories), and be part of a community where adult children of divorce can support each other and help each other heal.

---

Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

I Just Wanted Us to Be a Loving Family

The story below is from an anonymous author that we’ll call Mary, written at 54 years old. She gave permission for this story to be told.

HER STORY

My parents fought all through my childhood. Alcohol was always the spark that started the fire. If my dad wasn't home by 7pm, we knew he wouldn't be home until well after midnight, and that he'd be drunk. My mom would wait for him, drinking wine and trying to figure out how to get back at him. Sometimes she'd make me call the bar, ask for him, and ask when he's coming home. I hated that.

Other times she'd take us to a motel to make him think we were leaving him. And then some nights her blind rage came out as soon as he got home. Very physical and horrible fights. I was so scared they were going to kill each other and called the police on several occasions. I was told if I kept doing that, we'd end up in foster homes.

One night as I was hiding in my bedroom, I heard a huge crash. She had ripped the new chandelier they had just bought out of the ceiling. It was in a million pieces on the dining room floor. Another time, my mother had a black eye and made me take a picture of her. I was so scared my dad was going to go to jail. Who would provide for us? Why couldn't they just stop fighting?

After I turned 17, my mom talked to me and asked me how I would feel if she divorced my dad. I told her I just wanted the fighting to stop. She took that as a green light, told my dad she wanted a divorce, and that the kids support her. It was horrible.

I felt completely stuck in the middle and felt I had betrayed my father. The worst day of my life was when I visited my dad in his new apartment. I cried for days. He did not want the divorce, but also, he did nothing to save their marriage or to address his alcohol issues. I loved both my parents, I just wanted them to love each other. I wanted us to be a loving family.

How the divorce made her feel

I felt incredibly lonely. I went off to a college where I didn't know anyone, and now I had no home to come back to since they sold our family home. I was truly on my own and had no idea how to handle that.

I never drank in high school because I didn't want to be like my parents. I started drinking in college to numb the pain. After college, I moved to another state, and so did my brother. Watching our parents marry different people was incredibly painful, and we didn't want to be around their "new lives" that didn't involve us. My mom actually wanted me to be her "maid of honor" during her wedding to her new husband, which was two years after the divorce. When I said "No, I can't do that to my dad," she was furious at me.

My dad also later re-married, and twenty-three years later, during his battle with terminal cancer, my stepmother tried to prevent me from seeing him, and insisted he leave his money equally to her and her three children and hated the fact my father was leaving anything to my brother and me. It made a horrible event even more horrible. I fell into deep depression and have never really gotten over it. It still haunts me.

HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER

I have made terrible choices in people I have dated, and the man I married and eventually divorced, an alcoholic and drug addict. It seems I have a need to "fix" people, to no avail. Fortunately, we didn't have children.

I have trust issues, fear of abandonment, terrible self-loathing, depression, and no sense of purpose. No self-confidence at all. I had an abortion, thinking this child is better off not living with me as a mom. I struggled with alcohol issues, and a lack of loyalty to family and friends. I tend to sabotage relationships as protection. I assume they will eventually leave me, so I leave first. It is a terrible pattern.

ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE divorced

Find someone to talk to, who has gone through it as well. Someone you can trust.

Your parents will tell you this is not your fault, and it isn't. When you think you can't be loved, because you are the combination of two people who can't stand each other, know that it was God who created you. They were only the physical vessels in His plan, and their sin does not define God's love for you. His love is real and will never leave you nor forsake you.

Unite your loneliness with Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, and cling to the Cross! Know you are loved deeply by your Creator, the Creator of the Universe, as best you can. It is the only true, real kind of love that is understandable.

HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES

Form a fellowship for them. A support group. Knowing others are going through the same emotions and experiences helps us feel less crazy, less lonely. Fellowship is key. Just for the children of divorce. The parents can't be involved at all. The children need a safe environment where they can open up with each other. The real problem is they feel they can't speak to anyone, that no one understands nor cares. An older adult child of divorce as a moderator would be a great start. Ask them to write down their stories, share them, and discuss how they can heal and move forward.

---

Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

Sea of Confusion

4 minute read.

The story below is from Kendra, written at 23 years old. She gave permission for her story to be told and her real name to be used. 

Her Story

We did an intervention for my dad's alcoholism right before Christmas of my freshman year of high school. I was 14. We thought that it went well, and he agreed that he would go to treatment for his addiction. When we went to visit him for Christmas at the treatment center, he was royally pissed off and tremendously cold. He refused to see us beyond a 15 minute hello.

Two days later, we drove back home and heard from the center that he had left. He then moved out, filed for separation, and all hell broke loose. I was scared. I didn't know what was going on. The small town in which we lived all became involved and sides were drawn. Teachers were harder on me, acquaintances and relatives alike tried to tell me I was acting ridiculous towards my father.

I didn't understand how to articulate how hurt and betrayed I felt. The courts dragged us through counselor after counselor, but the judge wouldn't meet with me or any of my siblings to let us say our part. I felt like my opinion didn't matter because I wasn't 18 and a legal adult. There was no trustworthy confidant for me throughout this whole time. I threw myself into school and extracurricular activities, ignoring the not-so-quiet whispers regarding my family. There was no privacy — our family's dirty laundry was dragged all over the town.

My mother decided to move my senior year but wanted to make sure I was okay with that. I was numb—I didn't have an opinion one way or another. The divorce was finalized that year, so we were court-ordered to continue to see my dad every other weekend. It was hell. My little sister and I dreaded driving the four hours to his house, the whole weekend, the manipulations and verbal and emotional abuse—all of it. We became recluses in our own house, mindlessly going through the weekend watching TV or just sitting in silence. We would try to ignore the horrible things my dad would say about my mother or other siblings—or even of us. 

My senior year is a blur. I hardly made any friends because I was so scared they would all turn against me again. The counselors kept changing so I couldn't even talk to them. I became overprotective of my little sister who is four years younger than me. I became more of a parent to her rather than a sister, and all she wanted and needed was a big sister. I carried great anger towards my parents and siblings, feeling abandoned and alone. 

When I turned 18 during the spring of my senior year of high school, I refused to see my dad. I felt awful leaving my little sister alone there for the weekends, but I somehow knew I needed to do something for myself. I made things worse for her when I was there because I couldn't keep quiet as I heard all of these awful things. She later told me it was a little better only because there wasn't arguing, but she desperately needed a sister. 

Leaving for college was exciting. I was going out of state and knew that I would completely get a fresh start. I would have the chance for people to get to know the real me, not worrying about them knowing about my dad. I knew that I would be able to invest in relationships because I was not only going to be there for a year. I started to feel again. I found a spiritual director and grounded myself in faith and reason. Still, I made and lost friendships because I wasn't happy with myself. I felt unlovable but couldn't come to terms with it. It's still a daily struggle.

December 2017 was nine years since my dad left. I haven't seen him since 2013. I've drawn and held the boundary I know that I need — can't have a relationship with him until he comes to terms with his addiction and wants to change. I just can't. And you know what? That's okay. My siblings and I will never all be on the same page in our relationship with our dad. That's okay. I'm constantly working on forgiveness towards both him and my mom.

How Her Parents' Separation has Impacted Her

I struggle with the daily belief that I'm not lovable or enough. Even though I have come to terms with his leaving, it affects every other relationship in my life: professional, familial, filial, and romantic. There are times when I go through similar numb periods of just existing instead of enjoying and being thankful for my life. These frequently happen when I get a text from him or someone asks about him. I freeze up and my gut forms a knot. 

I needed to find ways I could be happy and to selfishly pursue those. I've communicated those needs to my family and friends, so they understand if I need to go for a vigorous hike in the woods to blow off some steam. If I don't, my anger will affect everyone else around me that I know and love.

Advice to Someone Whose Parents have Separated

Find someone to talk to, someone who shares the same beliefs as you. Many of my counselors didn't understand why I was so angry with my dad for leaving and filing for divorce —they didn't understand the Catholic teaching of it. Many counselors didn't understand that there was a high-functioning alcohol addiction hidden in our family communication that still affects me to this day. It wasn't until I found someone that understood and respected my beliefs, realized that alcoholism and its communication patterns were present and that I built up trust in them that I could start to heal.

How to Help Young People from Divorced and Separated Families

No one wants to talk about divorce. Or, rather, no one wants to talk about the devastatingly negative effects divorce has upon the kids. It might seem like the best thing for the parents because they are unhappy, but they are passing the cross of marriage down onto their kids —and it is absolutely not the best thing for them at all. I wish I knew that someone would've been there for me as I was going through an already tumultuous time in my life, and then this massive curveball was thrown at me. If someone—anyone —would have reached out to me to just talk...I would have been so appreciative of that lifeline thrown to me as I was drowning in a sea of confusion.

---

Are you interested in sharing your story with Restored?  If so, click the button above. Sharing your story can help you begin healing. 

Be assured: Your privacy is very important to us. Your name and story will never be shared unless you give explicit permission.

The Purpose of Marriage Isn't Happiness?

4 minute read

In all human love it must be realized that every man promises a woman, and every woman promises a man that which only God alone can give, namely, perfect happiness. - Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

“I, Joey, take you Brigid, as my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you until one of us becomes unhappy.” …wait, what? As funny as it sounds, the sad truth is that some people leave their spouse because they become unhappy.

Undoubtedly, there are numerous causes of divorce. I’d like to only focus on one problem that I believe is underneath many marriages that split: consciously or not, we expect our spouse and marriage to make us perfectly happy.

In Three to Get Married, Fulton Sheen wrote:

“In all human love it must be realized that every man promises a woman, and every woman promises a man that which only God alone can give, namely, perfect happiness. One of the reasons why so many marriages are shipwrecked is because as the young couple leave the altar, they fail to realize that human feelings tire and the enthusiasm of the honeymoon is not the same as the more solid happiness of enduring human love… In the first moments of human love, one does not see the little hidden deformities which later on appear.”

In his fatherly way, St. John Paul II often tried to shatter the illusion in young people that marriage will only bring endless romance and happiness. He knew if we make an idol out of anything, it will eventually leave us empty. Only God can satisfy the ache in our hearts for perfect love and happiness. Yet we often look to another person for the love that only God can give us.

If not happiness, what’s the purpose of marriage?

“Marriage does not exist to make you happy; marriage exists to make you holy,” said Jason Evert.

In other words, marriage exists to make you a saint; to transform you into the best version of yourself and draw you closer to God. Of course, marriage also exists for the procreation and education of children. Simply put, it means being open to life, parenting well, and helping your children become saints, too. (See CCC, 1601.)

God is love. The central mission of our lives is to perfectly reflect his image. Therefore, the more authentically we love, the more we become like God, and consequently, the more we become ourselves.

However, to love like God does, denying ourselves and choosing what’s best for those we love is necessary. That will inevitably lead to suffering. Jesus on the cross is the perfect example. St. Clare of Assisi knew this when she said, “Love that cannot suffer is not worthy of that name.”

When the struggles come, do not become discouraged. Rely on God's grace via the Sacraments. Ask Our Lady for assistance. Find a good spiritual director to guide you. And remember: You were made for greatness. Did you think it would come easy? Nothing worth having comes easy. No Olympic athlete ever won gold by watching Netflix or quitting when sacrifice became required. They endured grueling training just to win a piece of metal. Why should you expect any less sacrifice if you want a great marriage?

Does that mean marriage will be miserable? Nope! Marriage will be wonderful and difficult. Joyful and frustrating. Beautiful and challenging. Just like life. The real measure of a successful marriage is not how happy the couple feels but rather how virtuous and holy each becomes.

As you discern and head toward marriage, here are five ideas to purify your idea of marriage.

• Make God the center of your life and ask him to purify your idea of marriage.

• Remember: Marriage does not exist to make you happy; it exists to make you a saint, and holiness is the path to authentic joy..

• Set realistic expectations for marriage by spending time with good families and holy couples.

• Unhappiness in your marriage is not a sign that you chose the wrong vocation, married the wrong person, or that you should leave your spouse.

• Don’t despair. Even amid struggles, a great marriage is possible with God’s grace and hard work.

This post was originally featured by the Chastity Project here. Later, it was featured in Shalom Tidings Magazine (online and print).

Believe and Be Satisfied

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But to a Christian, God says, "No, not until you are satisfied,
Fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me.
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.

Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship,
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united to another
Until you are united with Me.
Exclusive of anyone or anything else.
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow Me to give you
The most thrilling plan existing . . . one you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you.

You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that's all. Don't be anxious, don't worry
Don't look around at things others have gotten
Or that I have given them
Don't look around at the things you think you want,
Just keep looking off and away up to Me,
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than you could dream of.

You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready,
I am working even at this moment
To have both of you ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me
And the life I prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with Me.
And this is perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me.
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly. I AM God.
Believe it and be satisfied.

---

The words above are often misattributed to St. Anthony of Padua. To my knowledge, the author is unknown.

Is Anxiety Wrecking Your Life?

Anxiety is crippling.

Anxiety puts your mind on a hamster wheel and keeps it running. It steals your peace and never lets you rest. If you've gone through periods of feeling anxious, you know how hellish and uncomfortable it is. In my life, I've experienced seasons where my anxiety was through the roof, especially during my parents' separation and divorce. It's horrible and I never wish it upon anyone.

So, what can you do about anxiety?

Fr. Mike Schmitz tackles that question. He begins by saying, "What are the things that kill peace?" In short, he says that inaction, a lack of trust in God, and sin steal your peace. He goes on to share the solution to undoing anxiety in this podcast titled Be At Peace (25:51 min). (If you'd like to listen on the go, you can find the episode for iPhones here and Android here.)

Disclaimer: There are certain types of extreme anxiety that deserve the clinical help of a counselor or psychiatrist. However, before turning to those options, give what Fr. Mike suggests a try for a short period of time, maybe a month or two. Still not working? Look for a good Catholic counselor or psychiatrist.

When Feeling in Love Fades

"Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing." - C.S. Lewis

My parents' marriage tragically ended in divorce. I still can't imagine the pain and loneliness that has caused them. In my life, it has caused me pain and struggle too. Watching their love end has made me doubt love. Buried deep inside me even today is this question: does love last? More specifically, can it last for me? 

Those questions have impacted every relationship in my life, particularly romantic relationships. In short, it made me a timid, safe, and distant lover. Beneath those questions is another question: what is love?

Our world says that love is an emotion. If that's true, it makes sense that the measure of love is the intensity of one's emotions. More emotion, more love; less emotion, less love. Hollywood portrays it that way and mainstream music delivers the same message.

While feelings are certainly an aspect of love, authentic love is much more than the roller coaster of one's emotions. St. John Paul the Great said: "Love is not merely a feeling; it is an act of will that consists of preferring, in a constant manner, the good of others to the good of oneself." Wow. His words fly in the face of what our culture says. Hearing this made me realize that to answer the question "can love last?" I first needed to purify my idea of love.

If I believed that love is merely an emotion, and that more emotion means more love, wouldn't that also mean that when emotion fades, love fades too? It's no wonder I would freak out when my feelings fluctuated and faded in my relationships. I thought love was ending.

Wrestling with my doubts about love, I looked for answers over the years. I found some gems of wisdom that have helped me and I'd like to share them with you too:

Captain Corelli's Mandolin

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing [you]. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away[.]”

C.S. Lewis: Mere Christianity

“Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called ‘being in love’ usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending ‘They lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,’ then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from ‘being in love’ — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”

J.R.R. Tolkien: Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien

"When the glamour wears off, or merely works a bit thin, they think that they have made a mistake, and that the real soul-mate is still to find. The real soul-mate too often proves to be the next sexually attractive person that comes along. Someone whom they might indeed very profitably have married, if only—. Hence divorce, to provide the ‘if only’.

"And of course they are as a rule quite right: they did make a mistake. Only a very wise man at the end of his life could make a sound judgement concerning whom, amongst the total possible chances, he ought most profitably have married! Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates. But the ‘real soul-mate’ is the one you are actually married to. In this fallen world, we have as our only guides, prudence, wisdom (rare in youth, too late in age), a clean heart, and fidelity of will…"

Jason Evert: How do you know if you should marry the person you’re seeing?

"Finally, know that if marriage is anything, it is a carefully planned leap of faith. You will need to weigh all the above considerations and more, pray about them, and make a decision. You can only know a person so well before you marry. This is because coming to know another person is not so much a destination as it is a lifelong process. Within marriage you will see strengths and weaknesses more clearly than ever before. Because of this there are inevitably going to be disappointments, but you should anticipate them with hope.

"When difficulties arise—and they will come—they will test and affirm your love. Marriage is not an endless whirling romance, and your marriage will suffer to the extent that you expect it to fit that fairy tale. When the infatuation fades, some imagine that they must not have married Mr. or Miss Right. This is partly why so many divorces happen within the first few years of marriage. It is a shame that couples are not prepared to let their relationship breathe. We often have little faith when the time comes to exhale. There is a love waiting to grow, but it is a quieter love than a couple know at the start of their relationship. It is unfortunate that so few have the patience to wait and work in sacrifice to see it blossom.

"Successful marriages are not the result of finding the perfect person but of loving the imperfect person you have chosen to marry. Therefore, do not allow yourself to be discouraged when you discover faults and annoyances that you never recognized before. It is said that after marriage, the man gets upset because the woman changes, and the woman gets upset because the man will not change. But when faults do come to the surface, we should not be set on “fixing” our spouse. We marry a person, not a project. We marry a human being, not an idealized image. Only when we let go of the idealized image and begin to accept and love our spouse will the deepest and most fulfilling kind of love appear. As a friend of mine once said, “I married her because I loved her. Now I love her because I married her.”

"When a couple understand these principles, they are mature enough to think about marriage. We are not eleven years old anymore, fluttering from one crush to another according to how fun the feelings are. When a relationship is based on an infatuation instead of a decision, it will last only as long as the infatuation does. We must be careful about what we base our relationships on, because finding the love that everyone longs for is a serious endeavor.

"Pope John Paul II beautifully sums up all of these thoughts in his book Love and Responsibility:

'The essential reason for choosing a person must be personal, not merely sexual. Life will determine the value of a choice and the value and true magnitude of love. It is put to the test most severely when the sensual and emotional reactions themselves grow weaker, and sexual values as such lose their effect. Nothing then remains except the value of the person, and the inner truth about the love of those connected comes to light. If their love is a true gift of self, so that they belong to the other, it will not only survive but grow stronger, and sink deeper roots. Whereas if it was never more than a synchronization of sensual and emotional experiences it will lose its raison d’être [reason for existence] and the persons involved in it will suddenly find themselves in a vacuum. We must never forget that only when love between human beings is put to the test can its true value be seen.'

Here's what I've learned with time: Feelings can't and won't last. But desiring and choosing what's best for someone can last. That's love. Love is an action. Don't get me wrong, feelings are an important part of love. But they are only a part. And they certainly are not the measure of real love. 

If your feelings are fading in your relationship, take a deep breath. It doesn't mean you don't love the person. It doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. When feelings fade, it invites us to a deeper love, as seen in the quotes above. Sure, in a dating relationship, you may realize this person just isn't right for you. There's also reason to doubt a relationship if romantic feelings have never been present. And that's okay. Still, never base a decision on the fade of emotion alone. Look at the objective parts of the relationship too, like Jason Evert mentions here.

Also, check out the resources on our Love & Relationships page to find tips on building lasting love.

Suicide

What happens to someone who commits suicide? Fr. Mike articulates the answer that the Catholic Church offers on suicide in the video below. He offers hope to anyone who has considered suicide or experienced the impact of losing someone in this way. If you or someone you know struggles with suicidal thoughts, this video is for you.

If you struggle with suicidal thoughts, please know you are not alone. In fact, we're praying for you and we have a network of people praying for you. While we don't know your exact situation, we want to help you. First, know you are loved and needed in this world. In talking with people considering suicide, I've learned something: it's not that you want your life to end but rather you want the pain you feel to end. Isn't that right? The pain will never end, you may think. Even if you think you have tried everything, please don't give up yet.

As a young man, Karol Wojtyla lived through some of the darkest years in history. It's difficult for us to even imagine. By age 12, his mother, sister, and brother had all died. He was alone with his father. Years later, the Nazis invaded Poland. Their brutality was later replaced by the Russian Soviets who in many ways were worse than the Nazis. Although he had every reason in the world to give up hope, he kept fighting. Years later, as Pope John Paul II, he wrote: "I plead with you--never, ever give up on hope, never doubt, never tire, and never become discouraged" (Pope John Paul II: In My Own Words). If he can keep fighting, you can too.

Before making a decision, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Online chat is also available here. Feel free to reach out to us here too.

Artwork Credit: Cassie Pease Designs

Primal Loss

In her book Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak, Leila Miller compiled painful stories of men and women from divorced families and the struggles they've faced and still face today. Even as adults, they share how their parents' separation and divorce has impacted them.

In an interview with Patrick Coffin, Leila discussed why she compiled the book, the shocking struggles her contributors face even years after the divorce, the drastically different life experience that adult children of divorce have compared to adult children from intact families, and the much more. You can watch the interview here:

We live in an age of divorce parties, Hallmark Cards that celebrate divorce, and sit-com plots that revolve around the "hilarious" hi jinx that ensue when the ex comes over. The necessary premise for this age is the notion that kids don't really suffer because of divorce, not really, right?

You can connect with Leila Miller on Facebook.

Why Does God Let Us Suffer?

Why does God let us suffer? Chris Stefanick answers this difficult and heavy question. 

Pain and suffering are often peoples' biggest obstacle to faith. "If there is a God, why does he let us suffer?" They conclude there is no God, or that he doesn't care about us. Chris Stefanick points us to the truth revealed on the cross, that God is love, and suffers for us, and with us.

Chris founded and leads Real Life Catholic. He's an author and speaker who "has devoted his life to inspiring people to live a bold, contagious faith." More videos from Chris on happiness, trust, and modern heroes can be found here.

5 Tips to Conquer Fear

This post was originally featured on the Culture Project blog.

Be not afraid!

Simple yet epic words. Hearing St. John Paul II shout them in his passionate Polish accent is powerful. Coming from a man who lived it with his every breath, those words have always inspired me to be courageous and never settle for mediocrity.

Still, that phrase confused me. It led me to think that fear should be absent from my life, that it should be non-existent, and that I should never feel afraid. However, I knew it was impossible to completely extinguish fear from my life. With fear present, was I just a coward?

With time I learned that it’s okay to feel afraid. That does not mean, however, that we allow fear to control our actions. We must act in spite of it. That’s what John Paul II meant when he told us to be not afraid.

In my post on the demands of really loving someone, I said that fear is crippling. It holds us back and leaves us feeling stuck. In that article, I shared my fear of love and vulnerability. Fear has held me back from giving and receiving the love I desire. With a strong desire to love, the fear I felt had to be conquered.

Courage is needed in order to conquer fear. I once heard someone say that courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. That judgment leads to the choice to take action in spite of the fear. Every great story involves a hero who must be courageous in the face of fear and hardship. Think of movies like Braveheart, Lord of the Rings, The Patriot, Gladiator, Batman Begins… the list goes on. Each protagonist possessed courage. Courage is heroic and heroism is greatly needed in our world today. I mean, imagine humanity without it. How dull of a world would that be? Without the bravery to do what is good and stand for what is true, our world would fall apart and become full of empty, lifeless, and passionless men and women… men without chests, as C.S. Lewis famously coined.

I won’t lie. Quitting is easier and it always will be. In one way or another, we all fear failure, vulnerability, commitment, and abandonment. Holding back is the safer option. Being courageous is risky and involves suffering because you are opening yourself to potential pain. A life of courage will tear and pierce your heart in ways that words cannot describe. It will cost you much. Yet, the depths that it opens in your heart will make you better: more human, more loving, more fraternal, more virtuous. To reach your potential greatness, facing your fear is critical and it is the deciding factor of your growth.

With my fear of being vulnerable, I knew that the love I desired was worth the fear of being rejected and hurt. And so, despite the risk, I chose to face my fear. And it was worth it. She was worth it. But most of all, that’s the kind of man I want to be: courageous and bold in the way he loves. When I die, I want to be remembered as a man who fought for what he loved and risked much to defend all that is good, true and beautiful. I’m not there yet, but heroes aren’t made in a moment. Like athletes, they are built over time, little by little, by every small choice to do the right thing.

But let’s be practical. Here are five tips that will help you conquer your fears and become the person you are made and aspire to be.

1. Face it. 

The first step to beat fear is to recognize it. Don’t run. Face it. Until you’re real with yourself and stare fear cold in the eyes, you won’t be able to overcome it. Facing your fear is likely to be intimidating and certainly is humbling. After all, who wants to declare weakness? Still, starting here is crucial. Until you begin to understand your fear, you won’t overcome it. Unless the doctor knows the disease, he can’t give the cure. In my case, identifying and admitting my fear of vulnerability has been essential to overcoming it.

2. Get it out of your head.

Fear feeds off isolation. If you keep it to yourself, inside your head, it’ll remain and even grow bigger. Write it down and talk to a trusted friend or mentor about it, or even a counselor. Don’t deal with it alone: get it out. Inside one’s mind, fear is large and loud. Putting it on paper and into space with your words helps to see fear for what it actually is. Seeing it written on a little piece of paper makes it less overwhelming.  At that point, it is possible to speak truth to your fears. This is necessary because fear is deceptive. It says you can’t when in reality you can. Consequently, speaking the truth deflates fear. Bring your fear into the light and feed it with truth.

3. Act. 

Since fear holds us back and leaves us feeling stuck, the ultimate solution is action. It means doing whatever you’re afraid of doing. Afraid of flying? The only way to overcome it is by eventually getting on a plane. Terrified of public speaking? Give a talk. Scared to commit? Make a commitment. Yes, it is scary. It’s nerve-racking. It may even be humbling. But fear isn’t overcome by hiding. It is conquered by walking through it. I wish there was an easier way, but there isn’t. If you’re scared, that’s okay: Do it scared. But make sure you do it. In my case, although afraid of opening my heart to possible hurt, I pursued the girl who would later become my girlfriend. Eventually, by loving her, I became less afraid and more courageous.

4. Don’t take life too seriously. 

“The only reason to take this life too seriously is if it’s your only one,” said Archbishop Fulton Sheen. Laugh. Be ridiculous. Be silly. Enjoy the beauty of creation. Watch a sunset. Gaze dramatically upon the ocean. Pour your heart into helping those who need you. Jesus and Mary were the most joyful people in history. Jesus didn’t come to make us all sad, instead, He came to transform us to being fully alive. In Jesus’ own words, “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly” (Jn 10:10). Honestly, God wants us to be as carefree and joyful as children. His children. Trust God with complete abandon and watch your fear melt away.

5. Fall in love. 

There is no better motivation than love. All other motives pale in comparison. It is said that a knight could have no courage without love; his love gave him a reason to fight. Conquer fear with love. My proposition: fall in love with Jesus. Already have a relationship with Him? Go deeper. He is always the answer. No love can really satisfy us besides His. Be patient though; love takes time to develop. He’s crazy about you and me. Do you know that? There is a unique place in His Heart that thirsts for you and your love. Despite what the world says, falling in love with God is incredible. However, it takes the experience of loving him to know that to be true. St. Augustine said it best: “To fall in love with God is the greatest romance; to seek him the greatest adventure; to find him, the greatest human achievement.” God will give you the strength to overcome your fears. Rely on him. He’s waiting to give you all that you need.

Do not become discouraged if fear exists in your life. Battling fear is human. Until I die, I will have to fight it. Already, this somewhat silent battle has made me into a better man… a man who is more courageous, more virtuous. When you overcome fear, you will be free. With this freedom, thriving and flourishing can actually happen. You are able to be yourself, fall in love with life, live to the fullest, and love with all your heart. Do not settle for anything less. Be not afraid!

70 College Men Vs. Strip Club

This interview between Matt Fradd and Joey Pontarelli.

Joey, Thanks for being willing to do this interview. What is Red Light Ministry?

On Friday nights, the men of Franciscan University pray outside a nearby strip club. “Red Light Ministry” is what we call it. I’m sure you’ve heard of people praying outside abortion clinics – same concept.

As we arrive, the men line the sidewalk opposite of the strip club. Usually, we pray two Rosaries and a Chaplet of Divine Mercy. We pray two Rosaries for a specific reason: first, we ask God to rescue all the people involved by meditating on the Sorrowful Mysteries. Secondly, we pray the Glorious Mysteries to thank him in advance for the good we are confident he will do in the future, as well as the good he’s already done.

Awesome. Whose idea was it?

Red Light's inception happened in 2008 or 2009. John Kennedy, a student then and member of Prodigal Sons household, had the idea. How did it happen? John and a few friends were bored on a random Friday night. Having heard of the idea of men praying outside strip clubs, the three of them decided to give it a try. They reasoned that since it was important to pray outside abortion clinics, this was needed too.

How many people come to it a week?

Every week the turnout fluctuates. This semester, the range has been 40 – 120 men each week. Most recently, we had 70 men.

Is it mostly men?

Yes. In fact, only men pray outside the strip club. But we’re not alone. Back on campus, the ladies do a holy hour for us. It’s powerful and beautiful!

Are people surprised to see young men there praying?

Last Friday, two ladies and a guy around my age pulled into the parking lot, got out of their car and came to talk with us. Intrigued by our presence, they asked why we were there. So I explained. They were surprised and amazed. One of the girls said, “It’s amazing that you’re a bunch of men; usually you all would be inside the strip club.”

What are some comments you’ve received?

Both positive and negative. We’ve received everything: thumbs up, honks, and words of encouragement to curses, crude remarks, and cars deliberately splashing water at us. I even heard that once a dude came over with a baseball bat to taunt us. You get praised; you get insulted.

What is your opinion of Christians who hold up signs like “You’re Going To Hell” outside these places, how is your method more effective?

With all respect, that is a horrible approach. Nobody will listen. It is a turn off. It’s all about fear and guilt. While sin is horrific and we shouldn’t minimize it, I believe that the human person doesn’t respond well to that method. A better approach is through love and desire. Instead of scaring them into action, show them you love and care about them personally. Additionally, rather than place an external requirement or law on them, point to the desires of their hearts.

They want happiness and love. Those desires are much stronger motivators than any fears. Pointing to their desire and loving them, they are more likely to trust you. As St. Josemaria Escriva said, “Naturalness, sincerity, and cheerfulness are indispensable conditions for the apostle to attract people” (Furrow, 188). If nothing else, they’ve felt respected and walked away with a positive image of you as polite and sincere.

Tell us about your encounter with Emily

On a Friday night not long ago, we arrived as usual across from the strip club with 60 – 70 men. As the rosary began to be prayed, a few of the dancers who worked at the club were passing. One approached me. Emily asked me to pray with her. And so, for a minute or so we prayed the rosary. Then, turning to her, I asked if she would be willing to talk. She replied yes.

What did you talk about with her?

I asked about her family and background. At 27, she is the mother of five. Last year, her husband died from colon cancer. Eventually, I asked why she worked there. She told me how she recently lost another job. With bills to pay and kids to feed, she felt no choice.
Acknowledging her difficult situation, I asked another question: “What would it take for you to quit?” She needed another job. More specifically, she needed a car. Currently, her “friends” who also worked at the strip club drove her there.

Again, I asked another question: “If we could help with your bills and finding a car, would you quit?” She said absolutely. She hated it. The boss was a scum and pervert, mistreating the girls. As I spoke with her, the DJ came out to find her. I met him. He was nice to her but said that the boss was flipping out. Her response, “I’m coming…he can wait.”

Then what happened?

After he left, I knew the situation was urgent. And so I asked: “What would it take for you to quit right now?” She needed to pay two bills equal to $160. “If we gave you the money, would you quit?” I proposed. She was hesitant, stating that it felt like a gamble. Before long, she admitted that she would quit.

Stepping in front of the men, I stopped the prayer. Addressing them, I told Emily’s story. I knew I asked them to trust my judgment, that she was honest and wouldn’t misuse the money. Since I gave her money already, all she needed was $120.

Within minutes, we raised $300 for her; double our aim. With that, we spoke with her more, gave her contact information for support, and then drove her home. Oh, and I gave her a copy of Crystalina Evert’s Pure Womanhood (which she loved).

What did her demeanor and body language tell you?

That she felt defeated and she was hurting. Her eyes were heavy. I could tell that she wasn’t used to a man looking her in the eyes. Interestingly, her clothes covered almost every inch of her body. Also, I could tell she was hungry for God. She wanted out of there.

What did she think about all the men there?

In the past, she had seen us praying. However, she wasn’t sure of our intentions. She would wave to us and apparently we didn’t wave back. I reassured her that we weren’t out there to condemn anyone. In fact, the reason we were there was to tell every man and every women in the strip club that they are worth so much more than that. She was very receptive to that and agreed wholeheartedly.

Besides driving her home, what other help did you give to her?

A friend of mine, Tommy Lannen, with the help of Hannah Terbrack, gave Emily contact information to ministries nearby. We knew she needed support – especially from women.

Katie Gesto and Camille Mica are missionaries in the area. They build relationships and offer practical support and healing to women who have suffered sexual abuse or sexual exploitation, such as prostitution and stripping. Most importantly, they give Christ to these women. Prayer is core to their apostolates. The ministries are called “Mama Nita’s” and “All Things New,” respectively. Since we met Emily, she has been spending time with those ladies. 

What are your thoughts on Emily?

At first, talking with her was intimidating. That changed quickly. Instead of viewing her as a “stripper,” I looked at her as a daughter of God; as a human person like you and me. Regardless of our sins, we never lose our great value as God’s beloved creatures and children.

Were you afraid?

Yes. I felt nervous and afraid as I began speak with her. But I knew she was more important than my fear. So I had to be courageous.

What’s happening now?

Sadly, she went back. Devastating, I know. After giving her help, it is hard to watch her return. Again, she felt stuck there in order to provide for her family. However, she did quit again. My missionary friend, Camille Mica, told me that women in the sex industry usually quit 5 – 7 times before they get out of it. And so, one more quit is a step in the right direction.

Emily has been looking for jobs. Still, there has been no luck. But we’re trying. She is certainly in a difficult position having to provide for her children and pay the bills. Honestly, she needs a job – and a car. So those are the two goals we are working toward. She has been attending Mass, which is fantastic! God is doing good work. In due time, he will pull her out of that lifestyle. We knew it would be a long journey. Any prayers for Emily are much appreciated!

What did you learn from this?

The power of prayer. I’m convinced that prayer did the heavy lifting. Also, I learned the influence you can have on another person by merely looking them in the eyes, loving them and asking good questions. Really, that’s all I did. I asked questions and she put two and two together.

Lovephobia

This post was originally featured on the Culture Project blog.

Love is scary.

Sitting in a coffeehouse in downtown Pittsburgh, I overheard a young woman Skyping her female friend. Naturally, their conversation revolved around a boy.

She spoke about the last time the guy and she had talked. Apparently, this guy wanted nothing to do with love and relationships. In fact, he didn’t even want to talk about them. It seemed that he had an aversion to love and, even though they were friends, she didn’t understand. While I don’t know the details in that man’s life, it is a familiar story: many people are afraid of love.

Everyone wants to love and be loved. I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t want that somewhere deep down inside them. But I’ve met a lot of people who are afraid of it. And I’m one of them.

Fear usually has a root. I come from a broken and divorced family. At a young age, my parents’ marriage fell apart. Since I was close with my father, my trust in him was shattered when my parents separated. It hurt. Before, I felt safe in his presence. After, I felt betrayed. And so, I couldn’t help but think and internalize that love was not safe.

After that, I withdrew into myself. I felt alone. Nobody was trustworthy. Because I was hurting, I tried to numb the pain with pleasure. And so, destructive behaviors followed. I became selfish, angry, negative… During my family’s collapse, a friend introduced me to pornography. While that obsession was short-lived, it led to a distortion of love and regretful mistakes.

Ten years later, I see that fear has held me back from love. Initially, I couldn’t put my finger on it. As time progressed, it did click. This fear has surfaced most clearly in my dating relationships. How did it? Fear encouraged me to love at a distance. You see, if nobody really knew me, they couldn’t hurt me. Loving at arm’s length is safe. But it will kill your relationship.

Authentic love requires vulnerability. C.S. Lewis once wrote that, “to love at all is to be vulnerable.” Vulnerability is not weakness. Vulnerability allows one to be seen for who they really are, and thus the other is given an incredible opportunity to love them more fully. It means taking your mask off and committing to openness and honesty. In a healthy relationship, this vulnerability happens over time and requires prudence and patience. Don’t pour your heart out to just anyone, all at once. But, over time, the love becomes so much more real due to this vulnerability. The intimacy that we all crave thrives on this type of realness.

But vulnerability scares me. In my past, that openness and trust led to pain. And so, why would I love again? At the root of my fear was this insecurity: I’m a gift not worth giving. If I was, why did dad leave? Apparently, I wasn’t enough for him. Deep down, I didn’t want that to happen again.

My parents’ split taught me another lie that’s remained in my subconscious: No matter how good it is, love doesn’t last; eventually it will fall apart. Give yourself and eventually you’ll be hurt. It naturally follows then, that one would hold back. And that’s what I’ve done many times.

All these fears have disposed me to be a timid lover. I don’t want to be a timid lover. My desire is to be a courageous and virtuous man. And so, I’ve had to fight my fears. To do so, I’ve had to bring them into the light. Thinking that love was not safe, I realized the truth that, yes, love is risky. That is the nature of love in our broken world. Still, I’ve learned that love is worth the risk. As I quoted before, C.S. Lewis expresses it beautifully in The Four Loves. He shows the reality of what it is to love, and what it is to hold your love back:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Lie #1: I’m a gift not worth giving. Jesus has taught me the opposite. He thinks I am. Apparently, he thinks that I am worth dying for. And He is God, so He must be right. Actually believing that at my core has taken a while. Yet, little by little I am becoming more convinced. Spending time with Jesus in the Eucharist has helped. A lot. I mean, how do you fall in love with someone if you don’t spend time with them?

Lie #2: Love doesn’t last. God’s love lasts. In fact, it will never change. He’s eternal and so is his love. And human love can last too. I’ve seen it: beautiful married couples who genuinely love each other. It’s incredibly inspiring.

Honestly, my battle isn’t over. I’m still wrestling my fear. It is an interior struggle. Sometimes I win, other times I lose. In it all, there’s a truth that I’ve learned:

I’ve never regretted facing my fears. 

On the other hand, I have regretted being controlled by them. Fear is crippling. You feel stuck. And so to move beyond it, you must walk through it. There’s no easy way around it. But the truth is that when you move past fear, you feel free. In my case, free to love.