It's Not Your Fault and You Are Not Alone
6 minute read
This story was written by an anonymous contributor at 54 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 4 years old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
HER STORY
I don't remember anything about the separation/divorce when it happened since I was 4 years old. Basically, my parents were swingers (going to parties and swapping partners) in Southern California during the seventies. My dad met a woman (my stepmom of 50 years) who he fell in love with before leaving my mom, who didn't want a divorce. The first summer after the divorce, my mom left on a trip to Europe for 3 months that dad had encouraged her to do before the separation. My mom was angry so she just drove to his new house and dumped us off with him and my stepmom for the summer. It was hard for everyone.
Because it was the seventies, moms usually got custody, so my two older sisters and I saw our dad every other weekend. We stayed in the family home, which in hindsight was a blessing. And while probably not great for my dad or our relationship, I'm glad we didn't have to live in two different households and go back and forth midweek with clothes and homework and the stress that brings to the situation.
My mom went to work full time, and I was a latchkey kid starting in kindergarten, walking home by myself and letting myself into an empty house. But even that wasn't so bad because the majority of the time I would stop at our family friends' house and their mom would give me snacks and let me hang out with her, or I'd go and play Yahtzee with the old man who lived next door to them.
There were several things that were hard then and now. I was the youngest and definitely daddy's little girl, but that all changed as he was fiercely loyal to my stepmom and she was very demanding of his time and attention. Also, I had the misfortune of being the spitting image of my mom, so while my sisters could fit in and form a relationship with my stepmom, I feel like ours was strained early on by my resemblance to my mom, and later by my anger and attitude.
Also, when I was 12 years old my mom got remarried and was moving to a new city. The courts decided I was old enough to decide who I wanted to live with. As my dad was hoping to get us to live with him the majority of the time, I felt torn and pressured in making the decision.
It was a lose-lose situation. If I chose my dad, my mom would have lost all 3 of her daughters as my sisters had already decided to live with my dad. If I chose my mom (which I ended up doing) my dad would feel slighted (which he did) and the relationship would be strained even more. To make matters worse, my middle sister decided to go with me to my mom's but left after a year because she had trouble adjusting and making new friends. So I had another big abandonment in my life from the sister I was closest to.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
I can't say how it made me feel at the time because I was so young, but I know I developed a lot of insecurity, anger, trust issues, and daddy issues. It was stressful because our parents didn't want to talk to each other. My mom had us coordinating weekend visits with my dad who was angry himself, so my sisters and I used to argue over who had to call him to make arrangements because we were all scared of him.
He wasn't violent, but he always treated us like adults when we were kids, had unrealistic expectations of us, and had a steely voice that was very intimidating. We never knew what was going to set him off because we didn't have clearly defined rules for him. We always felt like we were walking on eggshells. I never felt like I had unconditional love. In hindsight, I think a lot of that was because he was being influenced by stepmom and what she wanted, so if she was angry over something, he would get angry at us.
HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER
I became very promiscuous, always looking for love in all the wrong places. It became an addiction that I couldn't stop, and it made me hate myself a little more every time. I had my first drink at 11 years old and continued to drink a lot during high school and college.
I had trouble with relationships, male and female, forming attachments due to my fears of abandonment. I mistrusted men and adults, who I felt let me down. I felt very vulnerable like I was a creep magnet. I had so many strange encounters with men: a Halloween flasher wearing only a plastic mask over his privates, a flasher in a speedo harassing women in our dorm, a guy who pulled up in a car outside my elementary school, asked for directions, and then started masturbating in front of me, another one in a park in the middle of the day in D.C.
I had crippling self-esteem issues from the divorce, and the choices I made after the divorce made it worse. My lack of confidence affected my ability to get things done and advance in a career. I jumped around a lot. I have had lifelong depression that has just started to lift over the past 2 years.
I have been married for 20 years and it's by far been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I've never been one to stick around in a relationship. I always wanted to end it before I could get hurt. We struggled for the first 17 years, and I stayed mostly because of my son, and because I had told myself I would never, ever get a divorce.
When my husband wasn't treating me with respect and our relationship was spiraling, I finally started thinking about the possibility of divorce. It was shortly after that things started to get better because I felt more empowered. Also, before that, I had been living with one foot in and one foot out of the relationship which didn't work. I wasn't committed enough to make it work. I decided it wasn't fair to either of us to be half in. I either had to be all in and try and make it work or end it.
We were stuck in unhealthy patterns and both felt helpless to turn it around, but it miraculously turned around after many years of therapy for me. I now have the marriage I always wanted.
ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED
I think it's hard to understand how much it affects you until you get older, so I guess find someone to talk to or journal your feelings. You need to voice it. To sort it out for yourself. And that will be a lifelong journey. Read David Kessler's On Grief and Grieving and allow yourself to grieve the divorce. You have lost so much! It's okay to acknowledge that. Don't be afraid to feel the pain and sorrow. You need to grieve that in order to move on eventually.
Also, know that it's not your fault and that you are not alone. If you are angry, depressed, lonely, whatever, just know that a lot of that stems from the divorce. But you also can decide how you want to respond, and what kind of person you want to be. Anger hurts you more than the object of your anger, and it doesn't change their behavior at all. Try to control what you can, and accept the things you can't.
Also, try to recognize your parents as flawed human beings like the rest of us who are just doing the best they can. If you can do that, you can have more mercy and forgiveness towards them. You may think your parents know what they are doing, but they are just as clueless as you are. They think divorce is the answer to all their problems, and it's not. If your parents are separated or thinking about divorce, beg them not to. Your life will never be the same. Even if it's a difficult marriage, encourage them to stick it out.
Also, it may not seem like it sometimes, but your parents do love you. Break the wound of silence and let them know how much you’re hurting. Stop trying to protect them from their mistakes. Your feelings are just as important as theirs!
Read up on the common effects of divorce on children and learn to recognize your destructive habits. If you have religion, lean into it, if you don't, think about what's working in your life and what's not working for you, and try to find a way to make your life livable. Don't just keep repeating the same behaviors and expect different results.
Also, you will be amazed by how you can change other people's behavior by first changing your own. They will respond to positive changes from you. Loving others unconditionally changes people! Even if you didn't receive that love, you can give it to others, and eventually, you will get it back.
And finally, be gentle with yourself. Life is hard. Life for children of divorce is harder. Love yourself even if nobody else does. Treat yourself with kindness, gentleness, and patience the way you would want a good friend to treat you.
Get rid of any self-destructive behaviors. You are a child of God first and foremost, and He loves you unconditionally! He wants to use you for good, to help yourself and others to not just survive, but to thrive, and to live the life you were born to live!
Things will get better, but you will have to work hard at healing yourself. You are worth the time and effort. It's hard, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy.
HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES
They need mentors--someone they can talk to, and not just in therapy. They need to learn how to communicate with their parents in constructive ways. They need coping skills. How to handle different situations and emotions. They need conflict management skills. And lastly, support groups.
Also if they do go to therapy, it needs to be with someone who is experienced and educated about the issues plaguing children and adult children of divorce.
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