In Search of Protection and Security
3 minute read
The story below is by an anonymous author, written at 42 years old. Her parents’ divorced when she was 5. She gave permission for this story to be shared.
HER STORY
It wasn’t until years after the divorce that I learned my father had been unfaithful. At the time I just knew he wasn’t around like other kids’ dads. Someone at school mentioned the word and I came home and asked my mom if that was what they were: divorced.
We went from living in a big house in a manicured neighborhood to living in an apartment in a totally different part of town. I had to change schools. My dad ended up moving across the country with his new wife.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
My dad was the apple of my eye, and I was his. While it’s hard to remember how I felt at the age of 5, I know that there was a sense of deep, deep change. And the fact that there was a new wife meant that my position had changed, too. Later on, I understood these to be wounds of abandonment and rejection.
HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER
As a teenager and young adult, I lost respect for my dad. I sought the security and comfort of family life by integrating myself into the families of others, in particular into the families of boyfriends. As a young adult, I was seeking masculine love and security and was very careless as to how I found it.
When I experienced an unplanned pregnancy with someone I barely knew, I chose to marry him because I believed that’s what marriage was meant for, to provide a safety net for a child. I had no understanding of the spousal relationship independent of parenthood.
I sought in my spouse the security and protection of a father, what I had lost when my father left. I didn’t realize our own lack of relationship would corrode our family life, no matter how hard I worked to “stay married.”
ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED
Have mercy on them. Their actions do not reflect their love for you. There is a brokenness they cannot rise above.
HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES
They need to be engaged in dialogue that promotes healing. Someone needs to help them name what they could be feeling, what feelings would be normal, and then help them process those feelings.
The identity of what it means to be a family needs to be affirmed even if the parameters of said family have been altered. And, most importantly, the distinction between being a part of a human family which involves brokenness and the Holy Family where we are loved perfectly is something we should all be taught from as early as possible.
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