I Thought Something Was Wrong With Me, Not My Family
6 minute read
This story was written by an anonymous author at 23 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 18 years old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
HER STORY
Growing up, I always thought I lived in a normal family. Though I experienced what I now know was anxiety and depression from the time I was a young girl, I always thought it was because something was wrong with me—not my family situation.
Looking back, I see how far from a normal, healthy family we were. My mother tried to have a closer relationship with me than my father from the time I was born. As early as eight years old, she confided in me about her struggles with my dad.
By the time I was in high school, I knew all about his alcoholism, pornography addiction, and the hundreds of other ways that she told me he did not measure up to other married men she admired. I was her shoulder to cry on for years, having to remain strong and take care of my younger siblings while she was emotionally unstable and my dad was not present.
My parents rarely showed affection and when my dad attempted, my mom showed expressions of disgust. Family outings always ended in a fight between them that they would take out on me and my siblings. My mom made me "choose sides" and would give me the silent treatment if I talked to my dad while she was angry at him.
My parents spent more years sleeping in separate bedrooms than together, and to me this was normal. It was only in high school, after talking with friends, that I realized married couples could actually be friends and trust each other.
My mom had "kicked" my dad out of the house time and time again, so when it happened during my freshman year of college, I figured they would make up and get back together again. However, what proceeded was a divorce pursued by my mom, which led to the unraveling of both of their lives and those of my siblings.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
For the first year after, I was completely numb. The divorce was no surprise, but I couldn't believe it actually happened. I thought I was happy and lived a great life. Looking back, however, I can see that under that happy shell, inside I was so empty.
I had trouble praying and felt that God was far from me. In the years since, there have been many times that I have broken down crying or felt rage well up in me thinking about all that has been taken from me—my memories, childhood home, visits with grandparents during holidays, and parents, who have only become more emotionally unstable since the divorce.
I felt deep loneliness in college as my parents were going through the divorce and struggled to believe I was loved or cared for by anyone. I struggled greatly with self-confidence and suffered from feelings of low self- worth. I deeply sought the affection and approval of others, but could not believe that anyone truly liked me.
HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER
At first, it numbed me inside. I fell into deep perfectionism, anxiety, and overexercised while undereating. By God's grace, I was led to seek help in counseling, which has greatly helped me recognize my wounds, coping behaviors, and begin the process of healing.
I was blessed to meet my husband, a godly man, who truly supported me and helped me to trust in men. Without his presence, I would have easily fallen into a lifestyle of promiscuity. I struggled in our dating relationship to live out chastity because I was constantly seeking his validation and approval.
Holidays these past years have been gut-wrenching as they are constant reminders of the divorce. Growing up, holidays were one of the bright times as we lived out traditions with cousins, grandparents, and family. Since the divorce, my grandparents have fallen into depression and neither side wants to see each other.
My parents have had new girlfriends/ boyfriends at each holiday, which has only made the loss more real. Even though my parents weren't happily married, I deeply miss when they would at least pretend for us kids. I struggle now as a married woman with family boundaries and the loss of my childhood home to go back to and visit.
ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED
1. Counseling with someone of similar values! This truly saved me from going down a path of destruction. Through counseling, I was able to heal and discern my vocation to marriage in a healthy way. I have learned to see myself as God does, which has slowly healed my prayer life and relationship with God.
Counseling has taught me how to cope with anxiety and helped me recognize and heal my eating disorder tendencies. I still continue seeing my counselor today.
2. Form healthy friendships with those of the same and opposite sex. It can be easy to isolate ourselves from friends and to seek love and validation from a romantic partner rather than truly forming a friendship.
3. Realize that you are loved. Regardless of what your parents have led you to believe or what you may feel, it is an objective truth that you are loved, treasured, and protected by your Heavenly Father regardless of the wounds committed against you or the sins you have committed as a result.
My counselor, husband, and time in prayer have helped me realize these beautiful truths. Though I am still early in the journey of healing, I have lived in such freedom from realizing that all that has happened in my family is not my fault and that I am so loved.
4. Seek and create beauty. In times where I felt a loss of identity or found it hard to pray, I was able to connect to God through buying a bouquet of flowers, enjoying a nature walk, cooking, singing, or holding a baby—all tangible reminders of His love and goodness.
HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES
The issue needs to be talked about—in homilies, youth groups, online blogs. I also think that better marriage preparation should be given to young adults dating or engaged to be married. The accompaniment should not stop there but should continue after.
Married couples need constant support and fellowship, especially those, who did not grow up with a healthy example of marriage and are now navigating the waters of marriage and parenthood. I also think retreats for married couples, which contain one spouse from a divorced family, would be beneficial and healing for both spouses.
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