I Grew Up Far Too Fast
2 minute read.
This story was written by Chloe at 23 years old. Her parents separated when she was 9. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
Her STORY
My mother was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma before I turned 9, not exactly sure what year, but it turned her world upside down, to say the least. Money was tight, we were in a recession, and she was barely keeping things together for both my younger brother and myself. My father decided this situation was enough to run away from, and so, found comfort in a very close female friend. What first was only talking over the phone, quickly turned into a visit across states, that then turned into an affair. Though he claims he and my mother were only "separated," they were not in fact divorced. It's funny, my mom and I just recently found the legal document of their divorce. On November 16th, 2010, it was finalized.
Furthermore, the woman he had been seeing, moved to our home state to be with him. She became my stepmother in a way, though they never married. I care about this woman very much, and I still keep her around in my life for I do not hold anything against her. Over the last 12 years that she and my father have been together, he has had 5 accounts of cheating on her that she knows of. My brother and I were always aware of the first two and the very last one, which has rattled our reality just this past year, as he has since broken up with our "stepmother" to be with this other woman. The first one was the biggest trauma I have suffered, considering my father was having an affair with a 19-year-old girl, and he always talked about this adult relationship with my brother and me when we were still children.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE her FEEL
I remember the day my father sat both my brother and I down on the couch to break the news. I remember it profoundly. I have a very good memory and remember accounts of my father's behavior over the course of my entire life that I feel I have analyzed him as a whole person, knowing all of his tells and all of his flaws. I had to be overtly aware of everything as a child, picking up on his behavior, as well as other peoples'. I had to step up at a time when my brother and I felt our father had abandoned us (mind you, my brother acted out to this trauma in extreme ways of violent and angry behavior). My sense of empathy heightened, and my maturity shot through the roof. I grew up far too fast because of these situations and have felt the long-lasting effects throughout my life.
HOW THE DIVORCE IMPACTED her
I was not given the right therapy as a child to thoroughly talk through my feelings. Because of this, I have therapized myself as an older woman and am still on this self-healing journey--even when I feel I have healed enough. I would encourage anyone who is going through divorced parents to seek professional help and talk through it.
The divorce of my parents has affected me more than I realize, but it is the actions of my father that have traumatized me the most out of everything. It has fatally wounded my perception of love and even in my very first relationship ever with my boyfriend, whom I just met last year in college, I find these traumas are affecting me in various ways, such as shutting down in moments of emotional distress, self-sabotaging my own relationship, suffering various insecurities, a massive fear of my partner cheating on me, and the fear of marrying the right person.
ADVICE FOR SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS JUST SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
We need more conversation that surrounds the wounds that divorced parents leave young children. Many people don't think of it as a massive trauma, as if traumas can be compared to one another. We must not belittle the trauma of a child of divorce, as it most likely will have long-lasting psychological impacts in the future.
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