#130: An Exercise to Heal | Dr. Peter Malinoski
If you’re like me, you’ve experienced trauma or brokenness in your life which has led you to seek healing. One method of healing used in therapy is Internal Family Systems. But what exactly is it? And how can it help you?
My guest today, a psychologist and expert in Internal Family Systems, answers those questions, plus:
A healing exercise that you can do alongside me during this episode
The result of the exercise for me and both of our thoughts on it
Why your subconscious is ruling your life
Listen to The Interior Integration for Catholics Podcast
Visit Dr. Peter’s Souls and Hearts
More Resources from Dr. Peter
Find out more about IFS (Internal Family Systems) with Dr. Peter here
Is IFS really Catholic? Find out from Dr. Peter here
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
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[00:00:00] Why is divorce so impactful? So often traumatizing for young people. I like to think about this in terms of a poker analogy, but in terms of your parents and the environment that you were brought up and so forth, that's like the hand that you were dealt, right? You're not going to be judged on the hand you were dealt.
You're going to be judged of the way you played that hand. I think it's really underappreciated how much we need to really be human first so that we can flourish so that we can live lives of joy and peace. What is internal family systems and how might it help someone? What I love about internal family systems and parts of systems approaches is that it helps us to make sense of the chaos inside.
Welcome to the restored podcast. I'm Joey Panarelli. If you come from a divorce or broken family, this show is for you. We help you heal your brokenness, navigate the challenges and build healthy relationships so you can break that cycle and build a better life. My guest today is Dr. Peter Malinowski. He's been a clinical psychologist for the past 20 years.
In Indianapolis and the co founder and president [00:01:00] of Souls and Hearts, where he leads a community for therapists and for Catholics and creates content for their podcast. Dr. Peter is passionate about bridging the psychological and spiritual realms. Uh, he's an expert in helping people uncover the unconscious barriers that really hinder their ability, their capacity to love God and each other, as well as receive love from God and other people.
He's been married for 27 years to his wife, Pam, and they have seven. Children. I'm really excited for you guys to hear this interview. If you're like me, you've experienced trauma, you've experienced brokenness in your life, which has led you to seek healing in some form. And one method of healing that's used in therapy is internal family systems.
It's helped a lot of people and it's becoming even more popular. You've probably heard of it, but what exactly is it and how can it help? You in particular, Dr. Peter, who happens to be an expert in internal family systems, answers those questions in this episode. Plus he leads a healing exercise that you can actually do alongside me in this episode.
We discussed the results of that exercise for me. I got a bit vulnerable. I'm going to share a lot [00:02:00] with you guys in the hope of being really helpful and kind of a Guinea pig. We talk about why your subconscious is ruling your life and why knowledge really isn't enough for healing. And finally, he offers an amazing resource that you can use to help you heal.
and grow. But before we dive into the interview, a few quick things. One, there's some mature content in this episode, so you might want to listen with earphones and if there are kids around. In this episode, we do talk about God and faith, and if you don't believe in God, you're totally welcome here. Anyone who's been listening to this show for a while knows that we're not a strictly religious podcast.
And so wherever you're at, glad you're here. My challenge to you would be this. Just listen with an open mind. Even if you were to take out the God parts, you're still going to benefit from this episode. And lastly, if you're not in a place to do the exercise that Dr. Peter leads, um, maybe you're driving, working out, or doing chores, uh, one suggestion is this, you can actually listen through kind of as an observer, and then set a reminder on your to do list or on your calendar to go back and do the exercise yourself.
But with that, here's the interview. Dr. Peter, so good to have you on the show. Thanks for being here. [00:03:00] It is amazing to be here, Joey. I so enjoyed meeting you in person at the NEC, at the National Eucharistic Congress. And for us to be able to connect here is just a pleasure and an honor. Right back at you.
And, uh, yeah, it's always cool to meet people in person. I wish we could have done this interview in person as well, but I'm glad we're doing it here now. And I remember telling you, yeah, go ahead. And you did an interview with, with Dr. Jerry for us. So episode 146, like I'm super excited for that to be coming out or maybe it's already out by the time this goes up.
So. Yeah, yeah, we'll link to that, um, I think it'll be around the same time. We'll make sure to link to that episode where I went on your, your show basically with Dr. J. So, um, yeah, but I was just going to say, I read one article from you one night. I was just researching a topic, I forget even what it was, but, um, an article came up and I read the article.
I don't often read articles, especially not all the way through. And I was like, Oh, this is like really, really good. And I kept reading. I was like, this is really good. I'm like, who is this guy? And how have I not heard of him? So, so then I, so then I immediately like. You know, started looking into the [00:04:00] work you guys are doing, which is amazing, which we'll talk a little bit about later.
And then, um, you know, realizing we had mutual friends and connecting there. So anyway, I'm just thrilled to be here with you. And I wanted to start out just talking about why in the world are you doing this work? There's probably a lot of things you could be doing. What, why do you care about helping people to heal and to thrive in life?
Well, you know, early as a very young psychologist, I realized that so many spiritual problems. We're really spiritual consequences of human formation issues. In other words, you know, when my kids had trouble with algebra, sometimes it was because they didn't get the arithmetic right, you know, and so we're really, I'm really about shoring up the natural foundation for the spiritual life and that natural foundation, that's human formation.
I mean, that's straight out of St. Thomas Aquinas, right? Grace perfects nature. It has to have nature to perfect. And so as a Catholic psychologist, that's what my career is all about. And that's the way that I help out in this little corner of human formation in the great big vineyard. You know, this is [00:05:00] where I'm working to kind of in, in the mission of the church.
And that's what really floats my boat. Cause I think it's really underappreciated, you know, how much we need to really be human first so that, you know, we can, we can, Flourish so that we can live lives of joy and peace and love and to draw other people to Christ. We have to be fully human and that requires us to do some, you know, fully human work even before we start getting into all the intellectual formation and the spiritual formation and the pastoral formation.
Good stuff. No, I love that. And that we take a similar approach, at least in thought about how, you know, just, we can't discount the human. It's so important. We can't just like focus on, you know, only the spiritual or the intellectual, like you said, it's so, so important. So to someone listening though, who's like human formation, what, what is that?
And maybe what is it, how does it differ a little bit from personal development, which is maybe a little bit more in like the secular world? You know, I think there's a lot of confusion about that. When I think about human formation, I'm not talking about. You know, personal [00:06:00] development or professional development per se, or, you know, or the kinds of things that you might think about, like, Oh, I'm going to take a course in this.
I'm talking about the raw humanity. I'm talking about like the intensity of emotions. I'm talking about, you know, thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, desires, impulses. I'm talking about the unconscious. The stuff that we don't allow into conscious awareness because it's pretty threatening. So I am about going deep into these things, resolving and healing from wounds that, you know, we sustained when we were little and, and when we were older too, and doing that in a way, obviously I have a therapy practice.
So I do that, you know, with my clients, but I'm also about bringing the best of those resources, like secular resources included into a form, into a way that I can. Other people can access them without actually having to be in therapy or without having to, you know, be in counseling or coaching or something like that.
I love that. Okay. No, that makes sense. And I could see how that would, you know, it's kind of a totally different thing than any sort of active work that you're doing on yourself and like the quote unquote personal development space. So obviously [00:07:00] there's a part of, you know, human formation, human development that would include that, but you're looking at maybe the raw material, the things that right in the past and then how they impact your present and will impact your future.
Did I hear that right? Yeah, exactly. And so, so when we think about human formation, we're talking about like the, the sum total of what's going on and the natural realm within the person. And that crosses so many different domains. That's really good. I remember hearing, um, and you correct me if this is wrong, but Carl Jung.
He has this quote as at least attributed to him that said, unless you make the subconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate. That's right. He said this, he said something like something, I think that's pretty close to exact quote and it's true. It's true. You know, I mean, if you think about an iceberg, you know, and the part of the iceberg that's above the water is what's in conscious awareness.
Well, there's a lot that's below the water and it's, what's below the water that sinks ships. So it's below the water that sinks ships. And so I'm all about elevating those, those icebergs, getting them up out of the water more and more because, you know, [00:08:00] we can go right back to Socrates, right? Know thyself, you know, or to our Lord, right?
Remove the beam from your own eye. And if we are not integrated, if we are fragmented inside, which is an effect of sin, the original sin, the sins of others, our own personal sins. In fact, the word, you know, devil Diablo means scatterer. It means fragmentor. And so we are now understanding within sort of the cutting edge of trauma research and, and theory within psychotherapy, uh, research that One of the hallmarks that's getting a lot of attention now of mental health is integration.
How integrated is the person? And you know what? St. Thomas Aquinas was writing about that in the 12th century. He talks about it in terms of inner unity. Some translators will translate him as saying, it's talking about interior integration, but he's saying that if you don't have that interior integration, if you don't have that inner unity, you're not going to be able to form a union with anyone else.
Wow. Very well. And so the degree to which you [00:09:00] have that inner unity is the limit to which you can form a union with somebody else, including God. And so for those of you in the audience that really want to overcome, you know, this, this, the fragmenting effects of your own, of your own trauma and of your own experience, we really want to have that integration so that we can break these cycles, you know, that are such a focus of, The beautiful work you do on this podcast.
Yeah, no. And likewise, right back at you. You guys are doing it at even a deeper level, which I love. One of the things you made me think of was how so often in our culture, we put such an emphasis on like the cognitive, the intellectual, like knowing like how to, and so for example, it's like, okay, it's great.
If I know a lot about marriage, it's great. If I know a lot about what it takes to have a good marriage, it's very different than like, Acting on that, putting that, implementing it, putting it into action. And that's where I see in my own life and in the lives of the people that we walk with, the young people we walk with, that's the disconnect, the behavior change and whatever other changes in their lives, like don't come [00:10:00] about often because what you're saying, this unconscious, the subconscious, um, these barriers that hold us back.
And so that's where I'm so excited to kind of hear about internal family systems and talk with you more about that. But before I move on, any comments on that? Yeah, absolutely. Like you had this great quote in episode 146 of interior integration for Catholics when you were being interviewed with Jerry Crete and you said, we need to know this in our bones.
And I just love that language. I actually use that language as well. It's not just head knowledge. It's what's going on right in the heart and the heart. We want this integrated throughout all of us so that it doesn't remain simply in the realm of the abstract or the conceptual. Because it's going to have a very limited impact there.
It's not a bad start, but it can't be where we end up. I love that. And that's what hit me right away when I was reading, um, your content. It's so practical. It's so down to earth, which is so good. Cause it's often people in this space are often a little bit elusive, which I think is a struggle for people.
We don't get as much value from it. So I think it's great that you're so practical. Uh, on that note, I know we're going to be talking about internal family systems, but a lot of people listening right now, [00:11:00] including myself have very limited knowledge of that. So what is internal family systems and how might it help someone So internal family systems will originated as a form of therapy and by Richard Schwartz, you know, back in the late 1980s, early 1990s, and he was a family therapist.
And so he was very interested in systems like, how did this, how does the system of a family work? And he found that when he was doing. Family therapy and things were changing in the family and positive ways that that change was not being internalized right away. In other words, there was a pretty significant leg and that there's actually an internal family.
In other words, the father of the family is represented, you know, within the daughter, you know, and the mother of the family is represented in some way within the son. And people are reacting to those internal images or those internal representations more than they're. Reacting to what's actually going on in real time with the real relationships.
And so sort of this idea as a family therapist that, wait a [00:12:00] minute, we have these parts, you know, his clients were starting to talk to him in terms of parts. And so my colleague, uh, Jerry Crete, the co founder of souls and hearts actually wrote a whole book on, on this called, um, let me say the heart where he goes back and traces things historically though, all the way back.
And so there's a whole history within our Catholic church about how we are both a unity and a multiplicity. And that's really one of the central, the central ideas within internal family systems or parts and systems work is that yes, we are one, but we're also many kind of like an orchestra is one, but it's also got these component parts to it.
Right. And so what I think is really helpful is to, is to understand how different parts react to different experiences. So let's just take the case of a divorce. I think there is many reactions to parents divorcing as there are parts within us. And these parts are, are often at fighting about that.
They're polarized about this one part, you know, is really wanting to connect with mom and dad and make peace in the [00:13:00] family. Another part's really angry at mom and dad and wants to be able to express Brass that as a need to sort of get that out and to make them here. Right. And another part is really afraid of what would happen if, if we were real.
So there's this internal civil war going on with all these different factions, aligning and polarizing. And what I love about internal family systems and parts of systems approaches is that it helps us to make sense of the chaos inside, and it helps us to be able to communicate that and to share it and to get it out and to understand it.
And it ultimately, it helps us to love ourselves, to love our neighbors and ultimately to love God, to carry out the two great commandments, which is what really floats my boat about this is that it helps us to carry out the two great commandments upon which the entirety of the law and prophets hang.
And that's the summary of our Catholic faith. Beautiful. I mean, it adds so much meaning to your life too, when you, when you love, when you go beyond yourself. And so I've certainly seen that in my own life, when I'm the most selfish, I'm the most empty and [00:14:00] miserable. When I love the most in a healthy way, I have the most meaning.
I have the most, even like energy and passion for life. And so I think that focus of like love being the meaning of life, we're here to love and to be loved is so key. And then the question becomes, well, what's preventing us from doing that? Well, and that's where I think this framework is. So, Appropriate and so helpful because we can remove those barriers.
Well, and you know, one of the things that we can easily assume, but it's not true. It's one of the great lies is that the obstacles to loving and being loved are always vices, you know, are always, you know, selfishness or something like that. And I would argue that there are, there's a lot in the natural realm that can keep us from, uh, from being loved, uh, that contributes to that, or that, um, keeps us from loving others.
Just natural level developmental work, human formation work that should have been done when we were 18 months old or 14. Four years old. This is before we even reached the age of reason. So we're not responsible for [00:15:00] it. And, and yet if we don't do that work, it's going to, it's going to get in the way of us being able to love.
So again, that's our little corner of the vineyard at souls and hearts, uh, which is all about like that human formation work, that really basic work. I'll give you an example. This is how it all started. Like when I was a psychologist, I realized that when I worked through father issues with my clients, like toxic relational stuff with dad, their relationship with God, the father got so much better.
And I wasn't doing any spiritual work with them. I wasn't doing spiritual direction, nothing in the spiritual realm, but because they got over that human formation issue with dad, dad and father images as toxic, they now were freed up to be able to engage with God as father in a much deeper way, you know, and, and get over some of the issues that they had, you know, in terms of the way they understood God or, you know, experienced God phenomenologically, which was distorted.
These God images were distorted. And so parts, parts, thinking about things in terms of parts and systems really facilitates that. I've looked at, I've looked [00:16:00] at a lot of different models of change over the years, over the decades, over the three decades I've been working in this area. And this, this is really what I'm finding most helpful for people, both in the natural realm and then the ripple effects as they, as they bring this into their spiritual lives as well.
So. Fascinating. I want to shift gears and through that lens, talk about divorce itself and the trauma of divorce. And so I'm curious in your professional opinion, what you've seen in your practice, as well as the research you've seen, like why is divorce so impactful? So often traumatizing for young people who, who go through it, you know, witnessing their parents marriage, maybe having a lot of dysfunction, like extreme dysfunction or a separation or a divorce.
Why is that so impactful? Well, the first primary condition of secure attachment, according to Brown and Elliot, their book, 2016, they reviewed all the attachment literature. Their book is called attachment disturbances in adults. The first primary condition of secure attachment is a felt sense of safety and protection, a [00:17:00] felt sense of safety and protection.
It's not just actually being safe, objectively safe, but it's feeling safe. And the original place that we get that is from our parents, or at least where we should get it. And one of the things about these parts that we were talking about is that we have parts that are very young phenomenologically, like might be two years old, five years old, and parts get stuck at different points when there is experiences that are overwhelming.
One of the definitions of trauma, for example, is. As an experience, that's so overwhelming that it can't be processed using, you know, what we have as our, in our resource, in our resources at the time. So it gets sort of encapsulated. Right. And so when children are young and parents split, there's huge impact on the felt sense of safety and protection, and there's a huge impact on feeling seen, heard, known, and understood, which is the second condition of secure attachment.
And feeling reassured, calmed and soothed the third condition of secure attachment and feeling delighted in [00:18:00] right. And little kids are going to believe that they have some way to control this. They have to have some way that they feel that they can control the events in their lives. And when they look at parents struggling in conflict, the potential for divorce, splitting up separation, that is an existential crisis for kids.
They don't know whether they're going to live through that because their experiences. I need both a mommy and a daddy and they don't have a broader frame of reference to understand like that. There might be other ways to survive this. So they're gonna, they're going to do everything they can to try to keep, try to keep mom and dad together.
And they're going to help. Own it. They're going to feel responsible for it because if they're responsible for it, that means they have the control. If they have the responsibility, then they have the control. There's a fantasy and illusion that by leveraging their position as a little child or an older child in a family, that if they just do the right things, if they say the right things, if they look the right way, if they get good enough grades in school, if they succeed enough in athletics or [00:19:00] whatever it is that they hope would bring mom and dad back together.
They're going to try that. And parents often, whether they're in contentious relationships or not, they have relatively little understanding of how much this impacts kids. The same dynamics go on in, in healthier families too. It's not, it's not unique. So, so yeah, we don't, we don't appreciate often as parents, the impact of the intensity of these things on kids.
Wow. And so parts get stuck holding different parts of this. Right. You know, like I was talking about the rage and the, and the desire and the fear and the yearning, you know, um, and, uh, and so kids are often left to their own devices in these families because there's a lack of attunement to what the internal experience of the child is.
They've got to figure it out on their own, which leads to things being walled off, separated stuff down in the unconscious, the bottom of the iceberg starts getting bigger and bigger. And, um, There's going to be work to do to kind of work through that later in life. Then the same kinds of things happen when, when folks are older though, to like divorce.
A lot of times you will see divorces happen after marriages are 20 to [00:20:00] 30 years along. And the idea behind that is while the kids are grown, they're all at least in high school or they're in college or they're adults, they've launched whatever. So this is the time where we can divorce. We stayed together for the kids.
It has a much. Underappreciated, a very underappreciated impact and intensity of impact because it activates all kinds of things within young adults as well. And I think that is an area that we're only starting to be able to, as a field within traumatology, to be able to understand more deeply.
Everything you said rings so true. It makes me think of just like the common phrase we often use of like, you know, you're acting like a child, you know? And so like what I hear you saying is. Yeah, you actually, that child within you or that part of you that is kind of stuck at that three year old or 10 year old or whatever is actually running the show in that moment because it was triggered in this way or that way.
Am I hearing that right? Yeah, absolutely. And you know, I mean, in some ways this is supposed to be the case, right? You know, our Lord said, let the little children come to me and do not hinder them [00:21:00] for the kingdom of God is made up of such as these. If you look at the Latin and the Vulgate, uh, for that verse, the word that's used for little child is parvolo.
And that's a diminutive of the word parvo. Parvo in Latin means little child. So when you make it a diminutive, it's like saying it's a little, little child. Like we're talking like toddlers here. And so, you know, in, in the gospel reading from a few days before we recorded this, you know, our Lord said he put a little child in front of them.
Cause they were arguing about who's going to be the greatest in the kingdom of heaven takes a little child. Whoever does not become like this little child shall not enter the kingdom of heaven. Right. And a little child again. And so we need these parts of us that are small, that are young deaf, To help us with those childlike qualities that allow us to connect in right relationship with God, our father, as a beloved little son or a beloved little daughter of God, our father, and also, and also a beloved little son or a beloved little daughter of Mary.
Those are our primary parents. Our primary parents are our spiritual [00:22:00] parents. So one of the beautiful things about this as a psychologist is that I don't have to rely on finding like substitute parents, you know, I mean, if my clients could connect with God as father and Mary as mother, they can take care of any father wound, any mother wound that you could possibly have.
And that's, that's how God works in his providential grace. I think his providential care for us is that any, any problem that he knew was going to happen, any problem in your family, he knew was going to happen before time began. Before time began, he knew every injury you would sustain in being a member of this family and every wound that you would inflict in your own children.
You were a grownup and he had a plan for all of that. And part of that plan is for us to embrace him as our father and for us to embrace Mary as our mother. The perfect parents for us. So as a psychologist, it's amazing when people can connect with that. Yeah. No, it's so freeing and avoids all sorts of traps and pitfalls.
I'm sure some of the pitfalls I've witnessed people fall into when they kind of start doing this work of healing and is one they [00:23:00] might genuinely struggle to love, like the broken parts of themselves or the parts of themselves that they're not as proud about it and don't know the right way to talk about it.
But there's a part of them that they just kind of despise. They even make hate. And, and they think that maybe the goal is to stuff down, get rid of, like minimize, like move beyond that part. But I hear you saying the opposite. Actually, there's something that needs to happen there. All of these parts of us, which were part of the original plan, by the way, it's not like we've fractured into parts.
Like we added a single homogenous personality and we, you know, we got exposed to original sin or we got expelled to the sins of others, our own processes. We fractured into these pieces that we now have to deal with. This was part of the original plan. Remember we're made in the image and like Of God and God is both a multiplicity and a unity.
He is a multiplicity in that is Father, son and Holy Spirit, the Trinitarian God. But he's also a unity. That multiplicity aspect of God allows him to love himself. And that's unique in the history of understanding God. I mean, that is like. Totally different than [00:24:00] even other monotheistic religions, you know, which would understand God as a single entity, kind of homogenous, uh, without this multiplicity aspect.
And so, and we have a command to love ourselves, right? The second great commandment, love your neighbor as yourself, which means that we are somehow supposed to have a relationship with ourselves. You can't have love of oneself commanded by our Lord himself. And this is in the second great commandment.
This is not some little obscure passage in numbers or, you know, or Leviticus or something. This is like the second upon which, you know, the entirety of the law and the prophets hang. So we need to understand what it means to love ourselves in a really ordered way. And, uh, and this parts and systems thinking really helps us to be able to do that.
But I'm wondering like we, and we talked about this a little bit, I'm wondering if, if I can show you a little bit about what this is, would that be okay? I love that. And I had one question before we move on, but I'm, and I'm totally game to do that. I think one of the, um, confusions you already hit on this a little bit, but I really want to spell it out for our audience, sometimes another pitfall I see.
The young people were leading fall into is that they [00:25:00] might think that this healing stuff or all the brokenness is someone else's job to fix, right? And in a sense, it might be right. It's like we should be bringing that to God or to the right people, maybe to a therapist. But sometimes I see. You know, I've, I've even fallen into this in my past where we kind of peg this onto another person in our life, thinking that they are going to be the savior.
They're going to come through and fix and solve anything. And I see a lot of people falling into that pitfall and I'm getting really hurt through it and ending up like not moving forward in their life. They just stay stuck. So would you speak to that? If anyone's struggling with that at the moment? Sure.
So I like to think about this in terms of a poker analogy. So, you know, in terms of your parents and the environment that you were brought up and so forth, that's like the hand that you were dealt, right? You're not going to be judged on the hand you were dealt. You're going to be judged of the way you played that hand.
And as Kenny Rogers said in the song, the gambler, every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser. Right? You can play it in a way where you were, you know, it works out in God's providential plan or even that [00:26:00] even the most advantageous of circumstances can turn sour. If you know, if we're not seeking to love the Lord, our God, and to love our neighbor as ourselves.
So I would say that I would also say that a lot of the efforts in the ways that we get into trouble is when we want to delegate our human formation work to somebody else. You know, when we want to sort of have somebody else take that over, especially as well as as adults and the bishops of the American Catholic church, the USCCB are really clear about this in the program for PC formation, sixth edition.
This is the document that governs seminary, the formation of seminarians. And they say that the seminarian is the primary person responsible for his own formation. And that's actually the case for all of us. That doesn't mean we can do everything by ourselves, but we need to be taking an active participatory role in this.
And so there are things, for example, that we are going to require the help of others and the help of God for, but we have to bring ourselves to that help. So I would definitely say that it's a, it's a both and there rather than a sort of either, [00:27:00] or either I just pull myself up by my bootsteps by myself or somebody else takes care of this for me.
Now, when you're, when you're three months old, obviously you're not going to do it on your own, you know, or if you're, if you're five years old, you know, you're limited in what you can do along those lines, but you reach the age of reason and you can begin making choices about this. So, so good. Let's dive into this exercise.
I'm really excited to go through this with you and to see what comes with it. So this is an experiential exercise. I do a lot of these on my podcast, interior integration for Catholics. So we do a lot of these in the resilient Catholics community. Uh, we, cause, cause we want to again, get to the heart, right?
We don't want to just stay in the head. We want to get to the heart. And so this is for you, you out in the audience. Um, and a couple of cautions about this, uh, first one is. That we really want to do this in a space where you have the time and the conditions to really enter into your own internal experience.
So this isn't something you should do when you're driving or when you're working out, or if you're making dinner, or if you're engaged in some other activity, this is something that's gonna, gonna [00:28:00] require your whole attention. Second thing I would say is let's do this in a way that is helpful to you. All right.
So if I offer you something in this experiential exercise or this meditation, that isn't helpful to you, you can let it go. You can let it go. You don't have to follow it. It's not, this isn't something to be, uh, that's mandated in any way. It is really, really rare, but still there's a possibility that for some people, this could be triggering or it could be a difficult.
So if you find that you are leaving your window of tolerance, kind of going to a fight or flight response, you're dropping into a dorsal vagal shut down freeze response, going to recommend that you stop, you know, you get regrounded. And that you, um, that you understand that again, we want to make sure that this is something that's helpful to you at the right time in the right place.
Right? So, uh, so no need to press on with that. Let's pay attention to what's going on there. We really want to make sure that we maintain that first primary condition of secure attachment, which is a felt sense of safety and protection kind of across different parts. So those are some some ideas along those lines.
It can [00:29:00] be helpful. To, uh, to have some pens and paper pencils and paper in case, you know, there's, you might want to write some things down as you come into contact with, with different experiences inside or different parts inside. And, uh, and yeah, this is really sort of a sample and I'm going to keep it fairly simple, right?
The sort of sample of what some internal family systems of informed approaches or parts and systems. Informed approaches to going inside look like, and so if you find that you're doing some really wonderful work too, and you're watching this as a recording, just go ahead and hit pause. You know, can it continue that beautiful work?
You can resume it when the time seems right. So you have that option as well. Yeah. So do you have any questions, any questions, joy, anything that comes to mind in response to kind of getting ready for something like this? I love the point you made about, like, this is heart work, not just head work. Um, I think that's so, so important because again, like we talked about before, I've even seen this trend in myself where we kind of fall into procrastinal learning or what some people call like mental masturbation, where it's like, we just want to consume our content and [00:30:00] hear about healing and we never actually want to do the work in ourselves.
Um, which is a big trap and we're not going to see, I think, like growth and movement in our life until we do something like this where we're sitting down and actually digging deep. So that's what I'm going to try to do. And I, that's what I encourage everyone to try to do as well. Don't just think about this stuff, but kind of connect your heart to the feeling side of it.
And, um, any guys out there, I think they're too macho for this. Like do it anyway, you're going to benefit from it. Well, and I would, I would again say, if you're seeing some concerns, red flakes coming up, you know, if you're, you know, I would say, don't, don't power through that. Let's listen to that. Cause some, some people need to.
Need to have some accompaniment with this. That's more individual and one on one, you know, they initially need their own person with them, but a lot of people could really benefit from this. So, uh, even in this kind of format, in fact, I do the, I've done hundreds of these kinds of experiential exercises.
So, so something that's kind of uniquely tuned, uh, to the audience here of restored, I've been thinking about this. So, and it's so great to have you Joey and for you to be game about doing this too. And, and so, yeah. Um, we'll go ahead and kind of get started with it. So, [00:31:00] and this will go for somewhere between somewhere around 12, 12 to 14 minutes, you know, just so in case people are wondering like how much time, so yeah, about 12 to 14 minutes.
So, um, so I'm just going to invite you. To notice and what's just happening in inside right now, and just kind of, we're not trying to change anything. We're not trying to make anything happen. We're just trying to be aware of what our internal experience is in this moment. And if it's helpful to you to shut your eyes, that's great.
If you want to keep them open, that's fine. So much freedom with this.
But to just notice what's happening inside and to acknowledge the reality of whatever's happening inside. That doesn't mean we endorse every thought or we [00:32:00] give approval to every impulse or, but we just note that it's there. It doesn't mean we have to engage with it or go with it, but just to notice what's already there and to see if we can have a big open heart toward ourselves.
If we can
have an appreciation that even in our wounds, we are still fearfully and wonderfully made.
And would it be okay to just kind of accept that? Or is there something getting in the way?
Every part of us
is fearfully and wonderfully made too. [00:33:00] And that parts are different than the burdens they carry. Shame, rage, fear. Those are all burdens. Those are all experiences. Those are not the parts themselves. They're the burdens that parts can carry. And parts are not their roles. Controlling, criticizing, hiding, those are all roles that parts can play, but they're not the parts themselves.
And so, would it be possible for us to look at [00:34:00] ourselves the way God looks at us, a little bit more like God looks at us, fearfully and wonderfully made, and he saw that it was very good.
And can we notice what gets in the way of that? Cause something might be getting in the way of that right now for you, what might be the objections, the concerns, the arguments that come up inside.
Those are parts of us too.
And can we have an [00:35:00] open heart toward those parts of us that might hate other parts of us, parts of us that might hate our weakness or might hate our shame or might hate our scrupulosity or might hate our, whatever it is inside. are fear.
There are reasons for all these experiences. There are reasons for all these beliefs, assumptions, impulses, desires. Parts, each in their own way, are seeking a good for us. St. Thomas Aquinas says that we always seek a perceived good. These parts are seeking goods for us. But often in ways that are really maladaptive, problematic, sometimes morally wrong.[00:36:00]
Can we appreciate that different parts of us are trying to help us?
Can we be open to that idea? Can
we be open to this idea that we have an innermost self,
deep within us, that
has the qualities it needs to lead and guide our systems? To lead and guide our parts, to be a conduit of graces, to help us connect[00:37:00]
an innermost self that's a bridge to connecting with God in a healthy and good way.
And you might be able to sense these parts. Some people can see their parts. They have a visual representation. Others can hear their parts. Others can see the images that parts are offering, memories. Some parts [00:38:00] communicate through body sensations.
My parts will often play songs, like an internal jukebox, that communicate something they want me to know.
There's a lot of different ways that parts can communicate.
And this may sound really hard to believe, for some parts, [00:39:00] okay? But it is possible for parts to come into much greater harmony.
To be able to come together,
to collaborate, to cooperate
under the right conditions, conditions where there's a sense of leadership and a sense of being loved and cared for. A lot of these parts may be really young,
looking for guidance within. Sometimes parts will Take on the role of leading and guiding your system, but they're not really suited to that takes them out of their naturally adaptive roles.[00:40:00]
It's just going to invite you to notice what parts might be up for you
and what might your parts want you, you as your innermost self to know about their experience. What might they want you to know? We're going to ask parts not to overwhelm you, not to [00:41:00] take you over and not to flood you with the intensity of their experience, but to look at you, you as your innermost self, and to see if there's a space here for you as your innermost self to come to see, hear, know, and understand your parts more deeply and what their experiences were and how they understood their experiences.
What it was like for them,
because often, especially in really difficult circumstances, one part stood in the breach and took it [00:42:00] when times were really hard, when things were overwhelming,
and those parts were heroes. Because it kept that overwhelming experience from flooding into everything and taking us totally out of the capacity to live daily life.
And yet, sometimes those parts get condemned because of the burdens that they care, because of the burdens that they carry because of that.
Can we have a big open heart to those parts that stepped it up and took the heat when things were hard? Not that we're going to unpack all of that. That's not what this is about right now, but to just have an [00:43:00] appreciation for,
for how they've walled off. What is too much for the rest of us to handle, at least at that time.
And if you can't get into that and no, that's okay. Maybe parts are just not at the point where they feel safe enough to be able to engage in that kind of work. We want to be careful about not unpacking too much at once. We want to make sure that we're working in a way that feels safe to those parts of us that protect us and kind of handle our day to day operations.
Really a lot of respect for the ways that things currently work in your system, [00:44:00] but some openness here to some ideas about how things could get better.
And with that, a lot of appreciation for your parts, the ways that they're trying to help you, a lot of appreciation for the good intentions they have for you. Even if they use means that are really problematic in a variety of ways, they, they create impulses
that might be really problematic. There's still a good intention there for the ways that they try to get deep needs met
and an appreciation for any collaboration, cooperation that parts we're able to, to offer in this. [00:45:00] And this work,
a lot of times it's surprising for parts to experience gratitude.
And with that, we'll draw this experiential exercise to a close. If it's helpful to take some time and write a few things down to give parts of voice in writing, and that can be really, really helpful, makes things seem like really real to some parts, or even to draw it out. If they gave you an image to kind of keep that in a parts journal or a parts map.
Yeah. Just want to. Be able to like offer that. So, so yeah, that brings this, this, this to a close and, and uh, yeah, I mean, I'm, I'm curious, obviously, Joey, if, you know, whatever you might want to share from that, you know, kind of as a part of a [00:46:00] debrief here. So, yeah, no, it's so much, so much there. I Yeah, I don't know how much I should share because I wrote down a lot.
Yeah, I mean, there's a lot this there's not one right way to do this Just like whatever moves you some people won't write at all Others that might write up write a ton because there's so much to like connect with and and so it's all good Yeah, so I'll try to give you a summary without going maybe too into the weeds And if there's anything else anything you want me to explore I'm happy to do that So I have four post it notes filled with different Notes based on the prompts that you gave the, the first thing I kind of struggle with, and maybe this is unique to the format we're doing.
It was like taking off the host hat and then just like kind of tune in. Cause like when you were saying to kind of just notice the sensations in your body, I'm like, I'm kind of in like game on mode, like we're doing an interview here, you know? So I had to kind of step back from that for a second, but.
Once I did, one of those kind of sensations I've been feeling a lot lately is just being very spread thin, just like overcommitted, like lots going on, both in [00:47:00] this, you know, postulate that I'm running and then other areas of my life too. And so that's one of the things. And lately it kind of hit me too. I remember the kind of experience I had the other night where I think sometimes like our busyness can be somewhat of a mask that we had behind and especially had our maybe loneliness behind.
And so I noticed that in me too. Yeah, there's so much more, um, trying to think, there were kind of two, I read this book recently by Mike Foster, if you're familiar with him, but he wrote it, it's called Primal Question and he kind of tied together some of this, um, attachment theory and a little bit of internal family systems and just recognize that for a lot of people, there's like a kind of driving question that they carry with them through life and, uh, for me, I've always struggled to know, and I won't go through all seven, we're going to have Mike on the show in the future, but one of the things that I recognize in me is like just this Part of me just like has such a need and a desire to feel safe.
And that's like, that seems to govern so much of what I do. And then another part of me just has this desire to just feel wanted. And that like has governed a lot of what, [00:48:00] um, I do. And so both of those have been like big blessings and helpful in life. And they've also caused a lot of problems. So those are some of the parts or some of the pieces of this for me, I think, uh, there was a question, which maybe people listening, um, Had this too as like, am I doing this right?
Like I didn't really know, especially since it's the first time I'm doing something like this, I was kind of doubtful. Like, am I doing this right? Am I, you know, I don't know if I'm experiencing it in the way that I should, but that's a part, you know, many of us have a part that is like kind of looking at performance, you know, wanting to do it right.
Wanting to make sure that, you know, and usually that's a part and it's, it's okay. You know, like I'm fond of, of saying that, you know, we're gonna find something out no matter what happens. And, um, so yeah, I'm, I'm not particularly, uh, I don't have a particular script or pattern for something that's, you know, kind of good.
Or not. I mean, there's certain things we don't want to be overwhelmed. We talked about that. Um, but as long as we are making an inquiry, like we're [00:49:00] genuinely interested, we want to connect with our parts. It's one of those things where our Lord tells us seeking, you shall find the real reason why a lot of people do not know themselves is because they don't want to look, they don't want to engage.
They're too afraid of what's in the unconscious. And it makes sense because what's in the unconscious was at the time it happened. Too overwhelming to be tolerated in our, in our awareness. No, but it's not, you know, 1985 all over again, or 1973 or 1992 or 2014, you know, like we're in a different place now.
And so, but parts are caught back in time. Parts are often like stuck at the moment that the difficulties happened, you know, that whatever, you know, so we want to, and that's something that we recognize in, in, in trauma, right? That's why people have flashbacks, for example, when they have, you know, PTSD that's diagnosable or, you know, things like that.
They don't know, they don't, they don't know there's a difference between the past, the present and the future. It all just seems like one great big now. And that's what happens [00:50:00] when a part takes over that blends, which is caught in back in some kind of traumatic event. That makes so much sense. Another thing that came to mind when we were going through the exercise was just like how strong an aversion I have to people who are controlling it's like, and I know, I think everyone feels this at some level, but I know for me in particular, like my goodness, like when I get any sort of a whiff of people trying to like control me, I'm like, I'm either out of here or I'm going to be very like tactful and making sure that you do not control me.
So, um, Yeah. And that's definitely, you know, there's been some good parts or good outcomes that have come from that. Absolutely. Yes. It's protected me. It's definitely, you know, been good. And, uh, my career and, you know, different relationships, maybe that, or the person wasn't respectful of boundaries and things like that.
But then another area is like my marriage. It's been a big, uh, Bad thing because sometimes I think I over interpret and someone's kind of trying to help or speaking, maybe truth, um, or their, you know, their perspective that I think like, Oh, you're just trying to control [00:51:00] me. So a little, maybe overactive at times there.
So that was kind of the first post it notes. I don't know. How did you, well, you know, so here's, here's what I would say. First of all, we have these six attachment needs that I talk about, and then the six integrity needs, it's not just about attachment. It's also about maintaining our integrity. And one of those integrity needs is the need for autonomy, right?
So these are all needs that parts are going to be really focused on, um, and different parts are going to be focusing on different needs. And they have very limited vision when they're not in right relationship with your innermost self. They have a very limited vision. So, you know, I can imagine like I use this example, like a ship is sinking, right.
And you've got two people in a lifeboat, two guys in a lifeboat, and those are like the parts. Right. And one guy is busy trying to load in all the water and the supplies and the food into the lifeboat. And the other guy is busy dumping the water and the supplies overboard. And why? Because they had two different experiences in a lifeboat before the first guy suffered hunger and thirst and starvation in a [00:52:00] lifeboat because they didn't have enough supplies and the second guy experienced a lifeboat capsizing because there was too much water and supplies in the boat, right?
So they're both trying to help. They both have the same goal, right? But they have very different experiences, very different ways to make sense of their experiences, and they're working across purposes to each other. Okay. No, it's so fascinating. I, um, and it makes so much sense and I could see how the context is so important.
Like you're saying, right. And our past experiences, one of the things that hit me hard was, um, when you talked about kind of parts of ourselves that we might hate, um, it took me a second and it took me a little bit on that one to kind of identify it. But I think like even parts that I like kind of value, I maybe have like somewhat of a, you know, I don't know if that's the right word.
Um, I look down upon, um, demise in some way, maybe. So, like in my past, when I was struggling with, you know, sexual compulsions like pornography and things like that, I certainly looked down on my lust, but I also kind of, in turn, looked down on sexuality as a whole. Like any part of like [00:53:00] me that was sexual.
And I think that that has impacted me to this day. I could certainly see like a trend of, you know, yeah, I have to unpack that maybe a little bit more, but you know, I think that, uh, past mistakes in that realm have maybe somewhat twisted and kept me from like the goodness that is meant to be experienced there within marriage.
So that's another thing. And then the two other parts that I identified, um, even that desire to feel wanted, like I mentioned. Part of me is like, looks down on that because it's a form of weakness in a way. It kind of, it's, there's a lot of vulnerability there. And then the other thing too, is that kind of strong need that I have to feel safe, um, has cost me in some ways of, you know, whether I was too nervous to try something or not confident enough.
And it was. You know, doing its job in some sense, but maybe it was just a little dialed up too much to where it prevented me actually from having really good things. I know, especially a lot of people from, you know, divorced and broken families. We deal with, you know, just a lot of struggles in relationships.
[00:54:00] And I remember hearing stories of people who they would just like break off engagements or wouldn't even start dating to begin with because they had like this such strong fear of repeating the pattern that they saw in their parents marriage. And I certainly saw that in my own life. And so I trust that God's brought me where he needs me to be, but it's sad to look back on some, you know, really good and beautiful.
didn't go anywhere because of some of these, you know, some of this brokenness that I was dealing with. So that's just the parts that I think I struggle with maybe loving. Well, would you be interested in, I'm just gonna invite you to take a little minute here and go back inside and just see if it would be okay.
To kind of connect with both the part of you that wants to be wanted wants to be in relationship seeks that and the part of you that really wants you to be safe like if those two parts might be interested in getting to know each other a little better or if that seems like that's not something that that seems you know.
Like a good time to do or a good format to do, because yes, I mean, there is an awareness. This is a podcast episode and so forth. [00:55:00] So, but I'm just curious if you're noticing kind of an openness in your system across parts to that, or if any parts objecting, if any parts objects to that, we don't do it.
Because there's a reason for the objection and we would want to make sure that all parts would be on board so that we don't steamroll apart or we don't, um, just, just sort of bulldoze apart because it's standing in the way of some sort of, you know, agenda that other parts have. If this is good, if anything is good for one part of you, it's actually going to be good for all parts of you.
It's not going to leave one part to twist in the wind. There's a harmony about what's best for a person system. Oh, that's good. I would say, I guess what I'm sensing, what I'm experiencing is it's not so much the venue. Like I'm, I'm open with our audience here and I'm happy. I hope they can learn something from me.
I think it's more like those two parts seem diametrically opposed. Right. They seem like foes. Like they seem like they. Oh yeah, absolutely. Aren't supposed to be talking to each other. Um, so, so I don't know if there's so [00:56:00] much an objection, but I guess, I guess that's a form of an objection where it feels like those two things.
Go together. They are kind of working on different things. So I love that. That's a great challenge. That's why I picked them. Right. Yeah. But, but the first and first of all, this is only an idea. We don't do it. So this is really an important thing where we kind of negotiate these things. Right. We want to kind of explore.
And I, I want to make sure that in doing this, I'm really free of like an agenda on my end. So I'm totally good with not doing this or doing it or whatever. We can do something different. Um, we don't have to do anything at all. The demo, but, but this is where like an amazing thing can happen. If parts begin to see each other as they actually are not as just the enemy, because that's a very, that's a very narrow, you know, kind of very limited, very inaccurate perception of another part.
No, I want to go deeper here. So, and one thing to clarify there, it was just kind of. Communicate when I was experiencing, I was in no way a critique of you. And no, no, no, no, no, I didn't experience it that [00:57:00] well. And if parts are critical of me, I'm all about that. That's an amazing thing. Let's let's, you know, totally good with that because, you know, uh, cause a lot of this is kind of like parts might not even understand, like if, um, you know, like when little kids go to, um, they've got a medical problem, they'd have to have some sort of procedure done, you know, they have to have a piece of glass removed from their, their arm.
Cause they fell, you know, and whatever road riding their bike. They're not going to understand if they're little, that the physician is helping them, you know, like we have to appreciate that they may totally misinterpret what's going on here. And they can be like, mommy, it's hurting, you know, and, and, and not appreciate it in the moment.
And like I said, these parts are phenomenologically really little. So, so it might mean that there's gotta be a little more trust there, but I'm also, you know, let those parts know that I'm also here. You know, with my innermost self and my parts, you know, which are, which resonate with your parts. Like I have parts that are all about autonomy and I have other parts that are all about connection and I have other parts that are all about safety, you [00:58:00] know, and so gets get that these parts of me resonate with you.
It's not just my innermost self, but it's also my parts that are in right relationship with my innermost self. That makes so much sense. Yeah. And that's, that's more complete. That's more about loving wholeheartedly. The kind of next thought or place that I. Kind of being led is just a question, actually, which I somewhat thinking questions.
You asked that question about kind of what comes to mind. I think memories for me, um, sometimes like body sensations or emotions, uh, realizations for some reason, like things that kind of snap and click together. That's kind of different things that I was experiencing there. But, um, one of them, the question that came to mind was like, what if the safety and the part that like just wants to be wanted, like are in a post.
What if they're actually, what if they're not, what if they're actually working towards a similar goal of helping me like thrive and live like a really healthy, meaningful life. And yeah, that's something like I feel strongly pulled towards considering. Yeah. Just like the two guys in the lifeboat, right?
Both wanting [00:59:00] to help, right? But they have very different ways of going about that. So, yeah, I already sensed that in you. I already sensed that these two parts actually could be at some point, great friends. You know, like that's totally makes sense to me. We're not, I'm not going to try to impose that or anything.
I mean, we have to let things develop, but, but yeah, but for this, that's, that's more than we're seeking. What we're seeking potentially in this is just that they come to look at each other and in a different way, maybe, you know, that this polarization, this conflict between the two of them might be able to soften for a little bit.
And they might be able to understand each other a little better in the presence of you as Joey, you as your innermost self. And does that seem interesting and desirable to parts or are there objections or concerns that we would need to address before that would feel safe enough, especially for the part of you that, you know, has concerned about concerns about safety and protection?
Yeah, I, I know to some people, this might sound strange, but I almost [01:00:00] feel like this bodily sensation of like harmony. I don't know how to explain that better than that, but almost like whether it felt like there was maybe like tension, even on like a physical level, there now seems to be a bit of like relaxation and peace.
Cause it's like, wow, what if those two things are again, not mutually, uh, opposed exclusive, but actually working towards like a similar end. So it's almost like I can, okay. There's not as much of a need to like control or stress or, you know, fight. Yeah, beautiful. And so for those of you in the audience kind of observing this, just going to invite you, if you'd like to, if it feels safe, it feels good in your own systems to, to kind of come along with us on this.
You know, and to notice what may be resonating within your own system. You might notice that there's a part of you that really craves, really craves this, the sense of, of being wanted, of being needed, of being desirable, of being, you know, uh, connected. And another part of you that really has concerns about safety and protection and are really, it's really focused on that [01:01:00] because this is kind of like tuning forks.
And if you take a tuning fork, that's tuned to like a particular note, like C and you ring it, you, you, you strike it and you hold it up to another tuning fork. That's also tuned to see the other tuning folk will begin to vibrate. And this is how I know. A lot about this is how I think about loving other people is I'm looking at which of my, which of my parts are resonating, you know, and I've got parts that are very much resonating with both of these parts and have a sense.
Yeah, that this is something that could be, um, but there could be a lot more understanding, you know, kind of connection. So I'm resonating with your experience of, you know, hopefulness of possibility that things might actually be different internally between these two parts of you. And my mind even goes to like externally to like, you know, relationships, interactions with other people like my wife or yeah, just even tendencies I have or things like that.
Cause I think this, yeah, I think this, um, I can feel this and like my sense is that this goes beyond just like this kind of cool mental emotional exercise, [01:02:00] but it actually can result in, and that's not a critique of anything we're doing. I think it's great, but it can result in, you know, some real transformation.
Not just something that I know some people might be turned off the idea of just like kind of thinking and processing or whatever, but like, no, it can have actually have some measurable like outcomes, quote unquote, measurable outcomes like you can see change in your life. Yeah, absolutely. Because these two parts will also polarize with parts in your wife.
Hmm. You know, the part of you that really seeks safety and protection might polarize with the part of your wife that really wants to be wanted, you know, and so the same kinds of parts that these parts will polarize inside, they're going to polarize when they find those parts in other people. And so that's where a lot of the conflict comes from is between parts of me.
And parts of the other person, you know, and if we can be more wholehearted in relationship under the leadership and guidance of our innermost self, we get a harmony collaboration among parts. I mean, it leads us to be able to love and to be loved so much easier in relationship and marriages, especially.
So yeah, [01:03:00] this isn't just about some sort of navel gazing, you know, self absorbed, you know, kind of effort to self love. Ultimately, this is also about us loving God and being loved by God and loving our neighbor and being able to receive love from whoever God sends our way to, to love us. That's good. I, um, there's so much more I could say, so feel free to stop me at any point.
But one of the memories that came back was, um, with our first pregnancy, we had a miscarriage. I know not everyone can relate to this example, so bear with me here. But, um, I remember like having such a strong emotional reaction to that, um, cause we, we didn't know for sure, but we think we were having a boy.
And there was something inside me that like, even to this day, like during the exercise, I got pretty emotional. over it. And, um, yeah, just like, because safety is so prime, not just in my own life, but I like to provide that for other people too, um, both on a physical level, like with, you know, self defense and different things like that, but also on an emotional level.
And, um, I almost felt like I just like failed to protect my [01:04:00] son. When the miscarriage occurred, like I thinking, you know, going through the typical kind of grief stages of like thinking, man, like there's something I should have done differently that would have prevented his life from ending. And, um, that was like really intense for me.
I remember, um, you know, driving the car after it was like the day we found out I was going to pick up some food. Um, and just like really, really. Um, struggling, like really even like crying and just feeling like I just, I didn't provide that safety and I failed, I failed in a very real way. So I've seen that kind of muscle come out in different ways as well and, and even connected to my parents divorce, but that was a particular, particularly like strong situation where that came up.
Does that make sense to you? You as your innermost self, Joey, that that part has such a deep desire to protect not only yourself, but others. Does that make sense to you? It does, and I think the way I can verbalize it is that when, it does go back to when my parents split. And I remember, you know, we were all in the bedroom, my dad was out of the [01:05:00] house.
My mom sat me and my siblings down and explained what was going on and that dad would no longer be living with us. In fact, they were getting divorced. And especially because I looked up to my dad so much and found a great deal of safety in his presence. I, that immediately was like, my goodness, like that's crazy.
Gone. And then I also felt a lot of anger towards my mom, um, even though she, you know, to this day, looking back at that situation, like I knew she was doing the right thing in that particular context. Well, let that part know that wants safety for yourself and for others. Let that part know that you get it.
Just see if you can notice that part, sense that part, see that part, and let that part know, yes, I get it. I get that you want me to be safe. I get that you want others to be safe, and that's a good and wholesome desire. Let that part know that it's really important, and that you as Joey, you as your innermost self, get it.
Let's see how that lands. Yeah, I don't feel any resistance to that. I think I've [01:06:00] always seen it as like a strength of mine. Great. At least to keep other people safe. I think when it's gotten in the way of me, you know, doing things that I should be doing because I just want to feel safe. I think that's where there's more tension.
Um, but no, that's helpful. And, um, yeah, to close the loop on that story that I was just thinking that, um, no, I remember like just, Not really knowing what to do with all of the news that my mom had shared and just the reality of like my family falling apart and just hiding in the closet and crying. And I couldn't have put it into words then, but a lot of these things that we're talking about came to kind of the surface.
I felt abandoned. I felt unwanted. I felt like I wasn't, you know, enough. I wasn't good enough. No, it didn't feel safe, obviously. So I could certainly see like a clear trend line from that experience to these different experiences, whether it's the miscarriage that we experienced or different struggles and by relationships, um, as well.
So it, it makes sense. Like, it's very understandable. Yeah, totally makes sense to me too. And, and I think we can say that that, that was unbelievably hard for parts. I think we can just speak that to say that was [01:07:00] the word that comes to mind for me is impossibly hard for parts and more than parts at that age could, could be expected to manage.
And I think that's where, um, the instinct in me to protect others comes from, in part. Like, I think before that, I'd always still had that instinct to protect others, but after that, the kind of driving force, even behind what I do with this apostolate, is like, I never want anyone to experience what I went through.
And if they have to, for some reason, I don't want them to go through it alone because I felt like I was going through it alone. There was just no one there to kind of walk with me through it. And so I think that's like one of the driving forces behind those parts. Yeah. To make sure it never happens again.
Yeah. So that part, you know, I I'm sensing I could be wrong about this. You can tell me, but that part maybe has some appreciation for what it's like to not feel wanted or to not feel enough. You know, like there's an appreciation there, you know, it may not be in the same way that the other part that bears that burden, you know, [01:08:00] experiences it, but it's like also trying to help that other part or parts of other people to never be in that position.
Of feeling unwanted, of feeling not enough. Yeah, there's like some value to it, some good that's come from it. I could totally see that. Two final things that, um, I know we're running out of time here, but one, um, when you mentioned like how different parts of you can kind of take the brunt of trauma or take the brunt of challenges that have come into your life, I think, you know, around that time when I was, you know, about 11 years old and I, I think, I don't know if there's like a sexual part of all of us or if that would be a technical like term, but, um, I know for me, it seems like that kind of sexual part of me as a human person ended up taking a lot of the burden of trying to help me feel safe, trying to help me feel wanted.
And, you know, for me, it came out and, you know, You know, pornography and other sexual sins. And, um, just kind of recognize that when you were going through the exercise, that, wow, that part of me has like carried so much, especially at that period of my life, you know, a lot of, a lot of [01:09:00] pornography use for men is really about parts that are in a really maladaptive way, trying to feel seen, heard, known, and understood, trying to feel safe, trying to feel protected, trying to feel delighted in valued, you know, and so forth.
And, and so there's a counterfeit of that. In in porn use for a lot of in the experience of a lot of parts of us, you know, which is one of those reasons why I can kind of come back, even though it's a dead end, even though it's there's an emptiness there, it doesn't actually fulfill the need. Our hearts are still restless.
It can still feel like that might be possible. And so. You know, one of the real, yeah, I think benefits of parts and systems thinking is to help us with sexual compulsions because yeah, parts will often sexualize things, especially if, you know, trauma isn't resolved before we hit puberty because now we've got a whole bodily element to this, a whole endocrine system element to this that can complicate stuff.
And it's true for women as well as men. It's not just men, you know, this becomes very, very embodied in [01:10:00] various ways. And so, so yeah, I mean, that makes. Perfect sense to me. Thank you. And, uh, the final thing I was just going to say to close this out, I, yeah, I definitely have an appreciation for the parts of me that have kept me safe and have kind of helped me to find love and feel wanted and connection, all that.
Um, but yeah, just that, that need to feel safe, I think is something I'll continue to kind of, um, Kind of look at and walk with because I know sometimes, uh, for me, even the sounds so silly, but I, uh, I'm very like careful about my family's safety. So there's like cameras like outside the house and the doors are locked and there's like ways, uh, I won't go too into those ways that I would have ready to protect them.
And, um, we, yeah, it just, Just very careful about like my, my daughter and my wife and my son and myself and we, so in our bedroom, um, we would typically keep the door shut. Right. And, um, lately it would just get a little too stuffy in there. And, you know, we're recording this in the summer, it's humid in here where I'm at and we would keep the [01:11:00] door open.
And like, I kid you not Dr. Peter, sometimes I just like, can't go to sleep. I'm like, just like looking at the door, like waiting for someone to like, come through it. I, uh, so I kind of recognize that part of me that's just like, you know, wants to keep me safe. And then the only other thing I was just going to say along with that was I, um, just got over a sickness recently and my wife was certainly super gracious with like helping me and taking care of the kids and everything.
She was great. But, uh, I caught myself saying something towards the tail end of like, I didn't mean this like rudely, but I kind of just said it in like as a knee jerk reaction. Um, I was like, I could take care of myself. I could take care of myself. I just kind of felt that like, no, no, I can take care of myself.
And um, I think that fierce independence is something that this audience especially, uh, can relate to about, you know, so often we feel like we're on our own when mom and dad are maybe warring with each other or kind of starting restarting their lives going this way, that way. Um, we're kind of left to deal with our own brokenness.
And so we just kind of learned to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and just kind of keep [01:12:00] going. And, um, certainly have seen that. Uh, hurt my relationships in some ways. So that's, uh, that's how the exercise went for me. So sorry if that was oversharing in any way, but I wanted to be a guinea pig for, that's what I always try to do for this audience.
And so I, uh, I really appreciate you walking through that and open any final things you want to talk about as well. Well, you know, I'm so excited to have been able to connect. Uh, I have a special spot in my heart for family life and, you know, Deep appreciation for even in, in families where, you know, there's not, not divorce because divorce is kind of a low bar, you know, like, yes, we want to not be divorced, you know, but it's not everything, right?
Like people can be struggling, you know, in families where marriages are stressed for decades. And so none of us are going to escape family life. You know, with no trauma, with no injuries, no relational wounds, no attachment injuries, we're all going to experience the slings and arrows of living in our fallen human condition in a fallen world.
So, um, so yeah, just to appreciate that, if these kinds of experiential [01:13:00] exercises resonate with you, you know, like the, and if this kind of like demo, um, resonated with you, you know, this is what we do over at souls and hearts, uh, this is what. The kind of thing that we do on interior integration for Catholics.
Um, so you can check that out on YouTube, um, or on our, uh, wherever you listen to podcasts, interior integration for Catholics. And then we also have like communities where we have people that are working on their own human formation from a parts and systems perspective. Grounded in an authentic Catholic understanding of the human person.
And that's the resilient Catholics community. And then we also have the formation for formators community. Cause I have a special spot in my heart for the human formation of formators. These are therapists and coaches and spiritual directors and priests and seminary formators, and those that have, you know, a responsibility for the formation of others, because I think one of the big things that gets in the way of that.
effective formation of others is a lack of formation in the formator himself or herself. So, cause you can't give what you don't have. So those are a couple of the communities that we have going on at, at souls and [01:14:00] hearts. So yeah, if this is new to you, if you want to find out more about internal family systems, check out episode 71 of interior integration for Catholics, where I lay it out and I talk about 10 of my own parts, um, in, in some detail.
Um, so, so yeah, and there's a lot of the resources. at our website, soulsandhearts. com. So soulsandhearts. com. And I definitely recommend you guys check it out. And so we're impressed with the work you guys are doing. And so I know it will be really helpful for you and you guys, this journey of healing and just growing into a better, stronger person, more virtuous person.
Um, Dr. Peter, before we close down, there's one question I had that I think might be helpful for everyone. Um, do. Each of these parts have like names and is there like a definition of parts? I know we talked a little bit about that, but when I was going through the exercise, that question came up. So I wanted to ask you if there's specific names and if there's like some sort of a definition of a part itself.
Sure. So a definition of a part is like a constellation of emotions. Desires, impulses, attitudes, beliefs, memories, experiences, and making [01:15:00] sense of experiences. So it's not just like a passing mood state. It's like, it's like a, it's own little personality within you. Okay. It's like its own, its own. And it also.
Endures over time. It's just, they don't like appear and disappear. They can come into consciousness and then leave consciousness and it can feel like they appear and disappear, but that's not what actually is going on. They endure over time. And so, so that's, that's how I think about parts, right? This multiplicity within.
And as far as names go, um, sometimes parts will have ways that they identify themselves. Um, sometimes there'll be labeled by other parts, you know, as the bad part or the, the porn using part, you know, which is kind of pejorative. And so, uh, I work when I work with parts, either my own parts or when I'm working with others with their parts, I mean, the naming thing is something we kind of negotiate with the part, you know?
And if the, if the part wants to call herself, uh, you know, a good for nothing low life, it'd be like, well, maybe we can reframe that a little bit, you know, but I'm hesitant to impose a name on a part. You know, without like, kind [01:16:00] of, kind of talking with the part about that, if they're open to it, really helpful.
Thank you for going through that. And I want to give you the final word first off, again, thank you so much for being here for the great work that you're doing. Um, uh, yeah, just really blessed to call you friend now. And I'm looking, I look forward to hopefully future collaborations as well. Um, but yeah, what, what final encouragement or advice would you give to everyone listening, especially someone listening who does feel Kind of stuck and broken in life because of the, the trauma and the dysfunction they experienced at home.
So I'm a big believer. My favorite scripture versus Romans 8 28, you know, all things work together for good for those who love the Lord, who are called according to his decree. And to just trust that. Actually, each of us are beloved little sons and daughters of God. That's our identity. That's our fundamental identity.
And nothing in the fall, nothing in the sins of others, original sin, our own sins, takes that away. The only way that it can be taken away is if we repudiate it, you know, if we walk away from it. And so, so your primary parents. God, the father, Mary, our mother, I really believe that. And then [01:17:00] the differences between the people that I've accompanied who really take off and flourish and those that don't is this question of, can we embrace the love of God?
And can we embrace our identity as being little beloved sons and daughters? And our Lord tells us, you know, in scripture, I loved you first. We don't have to earn it. We don't have to make ourselves worthy of it. You know, can we come as we are? Can we come and receive as a unmerited gift, the love and grace and light and warmth and kindness of God.
Next time Dr. Peter comes on, I love to ask him to break down the Pixar movie inside out. We love that movie and my family, but in the meantime, make sure to check out his website and his podcast will link to the resources he mentioned to in the show notes. I'm very impressed with him and his content. And so I definitely recommend you guys check it out.
That wraps up this episode. If you found this podcast valuable, I invite you to subscribe. So you can not only be notified when new episodes go live, but you can help us actually reach more people. The more subscribers we have, the more the podcast apps will suggest our show to people who are looking for the kind of help that we offer.
[01:18:00] Again, we love serving you. And if you found it helpful and you'd maybe like to thank us subscribing or following on whatever app you use is really an easy way to do so. And only takes a few seconds. In closing, always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.
And keep in mind the words of C. S. Lewis, who said, you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.
