#131: Family Felt Stressful, Tense, & Unstable | Jordana
After 24 years of marriage, Jordana’s parents divorced. Overall, her experience of family felt tense, stressful, and unstable. Once she learned of her parents’ divorce, she went into problem-solver mode, taking on the role of mother for her siblings.
In this episode, you’ll hear us discuss all of that, plus:
How filling a parent role isn’t ideal, but sometimes necessary for a season, and how to handle the guilt about moving forward in your life.
Her struggles with communicating in relationships and with anxiety overall
Why it’s so helpful to put your feelings into words, even though it seems too simple to help
Searching for and Maintaining Peace: A Small Treatise on Peace of Heart
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
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Joey: [00:00:00] What was life like for you at home in the years and the months before your parents split?
Jordana: The word that usually comes to mind when I think about that part of my life was tension. It was very high stress for everyone involved. I think I noticed it the most though when I started dating and was in relationships.
Joey: How about emotional problems.
Jordana: The anxiety was probably the biggest one. Hypervigilance was a big one as well. You know, trying to be aware of or anticipating needs in a not healthy way, right? Where I'm like expecting the worst all the time.
Uh, I would hold myself back a lot in, in friendships and relationships. I wouldn't allow myself to kind of like be fully myself. Welcome to The Restored Podcast. I'm Joey Panarelli. If you come from a divorced or broken family, this show is for you. We help you heal your brokenness, navigate the challenges, and build healthy relationships so you can break that cycle and build a better life.
Joey: My guest today is Jordana. Jordana graduated from Rowan University with a bachelor's in psychology. She's passionate about [00:01:00] walking with young people, especially through youth ministry. She joined our team at Restored recently, actually, and we're really happy to have her. I know we're both overjoyed at the opportunity just to work together and to help the young people that we serve.
She's the oldest of five siblings, and, uh, she enjoys singing, playing guitar, and she's happiest out in nature and at the beach. After 24 years of marriage, Jordan and his parents divorced, and before, during, and even after the divorce, Tension, stress, and instability really described her experience of family life.
And once she learned that her parents were getting divorced, she went into problem solving mode, which included taking on the role of being kind of a mother to her siblings. And in this episode, you'll hear us discuss all of that, plus how filling that parent role really isn't ideal, but sometimes it's necessary for a season.
We talk about how to handle the guilt about moving forward in your life and maybe leaving your family and even your siblings. We talk about her Struggles in relationships, especially with communicating and her struggles with her emotions, especially anxiety. We talk about why it's so helpful to put your feelings into words, even though it [00:02:00] might seem too simple to actually help.
And she shares a simple tip to help a sibling or a friend who's struggling. So if you can relate to any of that, this episode is for you. Here's my conversation with Jordana. Jordana, welcome to the show. So good to have you here.
Jordana: Thanks so much, Joey. I'm so excited to be here.
Joey: We're thrilled to not only have you in this episode, but um, as a team member at Resort, just love working with you.
So I'm excited to hear more of your story through this episode. I wanted to start kind of going back in time. What was life like for you at home in the years and the months before your parents split?
Jordana: Sure. Yeah. It's interesting thinking back on it because it was such a mix of obviously good times and bad times.
Stressful times as well. So, you know, there was obviously dysfunction at the root of our family life, but, um, I think everyone kind of tried to ignore it. They tried to, you know, everyone was just trying their best, right? Everyone's doing the best with the tools that they have, especially my parents. And so they were trying to make it seem [00:03:00] like it was okay.
And, uh, but it just created this, um, uneasy tension. You know, the feeling of maybe walking on eggshells or not really quite knowing when someone was going to be upset or something that you would say, you know, as a child, maybe setting one of your parents off the word that usually comes to mind when I think about that part of my life was tension.
Joey: It's a good word. I'm sorry you had to go through all that, but it makes so much sense. And in one of the recent interviews, um, we were talking about how that like security, like as a person feeling secure is kind of like this felt sense of safety. And so often for those of us in broken families, like that's removed from us.
Like, I remember a time in my life where I felt that as a kid, like, I remember like very much. So like, it's this vivid memory I have of like being in the car. With my family, dad, driving mom in the passenger seat and just feeling like nothing in the world could hurt me sort of thing. And there's probably a little bit of delusion because like, there's certainly many things that can hurt you in the world.
But, um, but I think that's like really good and [00:04:00] important. And like that sort of security leads to our ability to like love and flourish. And so when that's kind of like violated and taken away from us, it leads to a lot of problems, which I know we're going to get into.
Jordana: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
Joey: So. Next, I'm curious to whatever degree you're comfortable sharing, you know, what led your parents to seek, you know, separation of divorce?
Jordana: I guess it's kind of a long story, but to make it short, you know, I'm very, I try to be very conscious of where my parents were coming from, because obviously their stories very much influence what is now my story and my sibling stories, you know, um, So they both came from very difficult childhoods, difficult upbringings, and they themselves really didn't have the support from their parents that they needed growing up.
And so again, you know, this theme of doing the best with the tools that they have, but they didn't really have a lot of tools. And so it just, it built up for those 24 years that they were married and, you know, things got more and more tense, more and more difficult. And I think it just finally became the last straw.
My mom was the one who decided to, you know, [00:05:00] to initiate the divorce. And, uh, yeah, it just kind of all happened after that.
Joey: Okay. No, that makes sense. Um, how long were they married? Do you know that?
Jordana: Uh, 24 years.
Joey: 24 years. Okay. That's fascinating. I've heard a lot of, I know people close to me who like, have similar stories in terms of their parents being married that long.
Cause I know, I think on average, according to the U. S. census, like it's, if you're in a first marriage, it's like seven years typically on average from when you get separated and then one more year. So eight years in total before you get divorced. So it's definitely outside the norm to go that, to be married that long.
Um, but I wonder if that's typical in like faith based marriages, like Christian or Catholic marriages, any thoughts on that?
Jordana: Yeah, I would absolutely agree with that a hundred percent, uh, especially to the degree that we were involved, uh, in the faith, you know, we're, you know, going every Sunday, very involved in our parish, very, very traditional, you know, I don't even know how to, how to phrase it, very traditional lifestyle of Catholicism, uh, and so that I think a hundred percent [00:06:00] impacted it.
Yeah, that and just a lack of support for the alternative, you know, I think maybe it would have happened sooner if one of my parents felt like they would have been able to support themselves being divorced, but didn't really seem like an option.
Joey: Yeah, that, that makes sense. It's not this, and I'm not saying this about your parents, but in general, like, it's not always necessarily that they're like opposed to divorce, but it's just like divorce isn't like a good option for them.
Maybe economically, financially, that makes sense. Yeah,
Jordana: exactly. Exactly. Absolutely.
Joey: Super interesting. Did your parents reach out for help amidst the struggles, if you're comfortable sharing that?
Jordana: Yeah. Yeah, they did. They, um, you know, marriage, retreats, counseling. I, I know that they, they did seek help.
Joey: Okay.
Got it. And maybe, did you see it work in some instances and not in others? Or was it just like kind of short lived?
Jordana: Yeah, I think it was more short lived. Again, when you're living in, you know, You know, if you're living out of the lens of your own brokenness, like my parents were, it just makes it really hard to attempt healing.
I think at least that's what I saw in [00:07:00] my experience of them. And that's, you know, that's what they continued doing. They weren't really, you know, getting to the root, the root root of things to, to get that healing that they needed.
Joey: Totally makes sense. I like the way you talk about it too, about, you know, kind of doing the best that they can with the tools they have.
I think one of the things that I look at my own parents with, it's like, man, I've been given so much more in so many ways, in large part, thanks to them, at least indirectly, than they were really given, like they had to do more with like less. And so I definitely feel grateful to them and to, you know, everyone else in my life who's like kind of helped me, but yeah, it is, it is a really difficult thing, but I, um, one final question on this.
And again, only to the degree you're comfortable sharing. I'm curious, like, did you see those attempts to the best of your memory of like, Going to retreats and therapy and whatever else were they typically like done over like long periods of time like with an intense commitment or was it more like we'll try this and then no we're not going to do it like kind of flaking out.
Jordana: It's an interesting question because I was so Young and a lot of, I actually don't [00:08:00] remember a lot of details sometimes from my childhood, cause I was, I felt very stressed frequently. And the other thing too, was they tried not to show that to the kids. I could definitely give them credit there. You know, they tried not to show us that they were fighting.
They tried not to show that there were problems. And of course that leads to, you know, its own set of problems. But, um, so whenever they, they would go on retreats or they, if they were going to counseling, we didn't really know about it. Um, so it was kind of more like under the table. So,
Joey: okay. Those are too hard to answer that.
Cause one of the things that I've seen in marriages that end up falling apart often, it's because they don't even ask for help. Like there's this kind of this attitude of like, we'll figure it out. I don't know how, but we'll somehow figure it out. Or we'll just like, kind of like muscle our way through it.
That's one attitude that I think Definitely leads to like lots and lots of problems. The other attitude would be like, um, marriages where they kind of tip their toes in like healing and getting help. And it's like, Oh yeah, let's go to therapy. But they go to therapy for like two sessions or four sessions or even like six months, [00:09:00] maybe once a month or whatever.
But it's like in the large scheme of things, the effort that necessary to deal with the. Severity of the brokenness, there's a mismatch. Like they need to do way more effort in order to like, to deal with the brokenness, that's what I've typically seen. And so like, yeah, whereas people are kind of reaching out for help and doing some activity to get help.
Um, and I'm not saying this about your parents, but it's just what I've seen. Um, they might not be doing it at the level that's necessary as if you had a physical illness. It's like, oh, I have cancer. Well I'm just gonna, you know, walk once a week and like try and not one day of the week. I'm not gonna eat sugar.
And then maybe I'll see the doctor like every six months. It's like, well it's not gonna help you get rid of your cancer.
Jordana: Yeah, that totally makes sense. And I think that relates a lot to my parents as well. And it's just the other fact that seeking help. One, itself is hard and two, sticking with it is even harder, especially when, you know, I, I say that as a 26 year old, you know, but it's even harder the older you get and the longer your brokenness has, you know, kind of set into your bones in a way, but yeah, [00:10:00] that, that makes sense.
Joey: That's so wise. No, I love it. You said like, seeking help is hard. Sticking with it is harder. So, so true. Boom. Quote. I love it. So, so moving on, how old were you when your parents separated and divorced and how old are you now?
Jordana: Yeah. So I was actually 20 when they divorced. I was a senior in college and I am 26 years old now.
Joey: Okay. So you've been living with this a little bit. And how long did the divorce last for them? Was it pretty immediate or did it drag on?
Jordana: So the actual divorce process was about six months. Okay. And then I would say, you know, figuring out how to proceed as a divorced couple probably took even longer. It definitely took longer, you know, a few years at least and obviously still dealing with, you know, the fallout of all of that.
But yeah, so six months for the actual divorce, but several years for actually living that out.
Joey: Fair. Yeah. And I can understand that. How did you learn about the separation, about the divorce and what was your reaction to it?
Jordana: Yeah. I definitely remember that moment. Um, my, I remember my mom [00:11:00] coming to tell me it was just kind of like late at night and I was, I had my own room at the time and she came in and told me that she was going to divorce my dad and it was a very obviously, you know, as to be expected, a great mix of feelings.
I felt not necessarily surprised because I knew that their relationship was broken. Maybe more just, you know, there was certainly still an element of shock, uh, just because of the suddenness of it. And then there was just kind of like a great, great sadness. I just, you know, she, after she left the room, I remember sobbing and just feeling like the floor was like pulled out from underneath me.
You know, kind of just like a sense of like, well, what am I, what am I do now with this information? What do I do going forward? And I kind of immediately went into fix it mode and solution mode and thinking about my siblings. I have five younger siblings and, uh, yeah, just, you know, feeling like any kind of support that I felt like I had.
I felt like at the time I couldn't lean on my parents at all going forward from [00:12:00] that.
Joey: So you felt like you were on your own.
Jordana: Yeah. Mm hmm.
Joey: How did your relationship with your siblings change after you got that news? You mentioned you were worried about them. So I'm curious kind of what shifted.
Jordana: Yeah, that's a good question.
I don't even know if there was necessarily a shift. My siblings and I were always very close, very tight knit, and we still are that way. But I think I just took on, you know, I put a responsibility on myself in that moment of, you know, I need to be there for my siblings. I can put my own feelings and needs aside for them.
because we're in crisis mode right now. And so, you know, I kind of assumed the role of a second mother to, to them and felt like they needed at least somebody to look to who was stable in taking step forward, steps forward, uh, through that process.
Joey: Okay. No, I can relate so much cause I'm number two in my family of six, big family as well.
And, um, and I certainly felt that responsibility and, you know, stepped into that role, especially for certain seasons. Maybe when my like older [00:13:00] brother wasn't around when he was away at college, for example, and just feeling like, yeah, they, in some ways, you know, they lost a parent almost to death and it's like, well, man, these kids need a father in my case, or in your case, they need a mother, they need someone to mother them at least, you know, so I totally see that.
And I, um, I definitely have seen like the negative effects of that in my life. Um, but I've seen a lot of good coming from it, from like, kind of being in that role for them. Like, I think they needed it, even though if it kind of negatively affects people like us in different ways. But I think like sometimes it's unavoidable and for a season of our lives, we kind of have to fill that role as, as unideal as it, as it is.
Jordana: Yeah, I definitely agree with you on that. And it gives you a certain, at least it gave me a certain tenacity and a grit, you know, for, okay, we're dealing with this, with this crisis right now. And I liked that you phrased it as seasons. You know, I certainly wasn't looking at, at it like that at the time, but looking back now and certainly how I view life now is, you know, okay, for this season, this is the role that I think I need to fill, but you're right.
You know, it's, it's, [00:14:00] even if it's unjust or not ideal, it's, it's necessary sometimes.
Joey: Yeah, totally. That's it. I like how you put it. And I, um, What I've seen too is like I felt a lot of guilt kind of moving beyond those roles that I was filling, even going to like college. So I went to junior college for a year.
I did some like AP CLEP exam stuff. So I had some credit college credits as well. So I did junior college for a year and then, um, went off to university to college. And, you know, that was like really hard. And I remember pulling away from like the house and, um, the thing that like, Cut like the pain, like I felt in my chest and that made me tear up was leaving my little siblings.
That was the hardest
Jordana: part. Yeah.
Joey: Yeah. So it was like, I kind of felt guilty. I felt sad. There was a lot of emotion at play there, but something in me knew that me like kind of pursuing the path I felt called to in life would in some way benefit them. Right. So, so that was like something that I kind of had to wrestle with and just make a decision like, okay, I'm going to move forward.
I'm going to kind of seek out, you know, where I'm called and go down that path. And And I've seen that play out, [00:15:00] you know, not, not that it's been perfect in any means and not that it's been like a pure blessing, but it, there's been some struggles, what I'm saying, but by and large, um, for them, I think they've seen, and now being married and having kids and like having my siblings around those kids, like.
That's where I've kind of seen it come a little bit full circle where it's like, okay, this is why I wasn't really supposed to just like stay at home for years and years and years and be like the dad they, you know, hopefully in some level, I'm definitely not a perfect father, husband, but in some level are inspired by that.
And hopefully would, you know, pursue that if that's like the path that they're called to in life. So I think there's something about that, that we often forget about when we're in the midst of it, or maybe feeling like some guilt about moving forward in our own life. Did you feel that guilt as well?
Jordana: Oh my gosh.
Yeah. I was relating very, very much to what you said. Um, so I commuted for college. I didn't go away, which is interesting because that's all I wanted to do was go away for college, wound up staying because it financially wouldn't work out. But you know, you see the Lord's plan. I was meant to stay home. Um, but certainly every time I was going to go out [00:16:00] for an event, or if I was going to go out with my friends, it was a struggle every time.
You know, I wanted to go out and do something for myself when I felt like I needed to stay home with my siblings. Yeah, that was definitely a similar guilt that I struggled with.
Joey: It's a tough spot to be in. And so I think for everyone listening, who maybe feels that too, like give yourself some permission to step out of that role.
Like obviously if there's any really dire situation and you're needed for a season, then we get that. We both had to do that to some extent. Um, but I think in time, kind of like we're, describing, um, it can actually benefit your siblings more if you kind of move forward in life and try to show them what like thriving and living a healthy, like functional life looks like.
Um, that's at least what I've learned. Anything you would add to that?
Jordana: Yeah. No, just that I would fully agree with that. And it's not even that we're, we need to hold ourselves to a standard to be a perfect example for them because like you said, you know, obviously we're never going to be perfect. We're still going to struggle.
But I think. When they see us striving for a healthy life, they see us making an effort to invite peace into our lives, invite peace into our homes and to [00:17:00] create joy and security, especially, you know, when you had such a lack of security, I just think that, you know, them seeing you striving is what's important.
But, um, yeah, it's hard to, it's hard to feel like that as well when you're like, well, I'm not a perfect example either. But yeah, I just think that them, them seeing you strive for being healthy is what's so important.
Joey: I agree. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, so often, like, if you think of just everyday life, it's like the habit of like having good habits, whether it's like going to the gym or praying or eating healthy food or working hard, like whatever it is, um, those are the two things that I Point and to some extent, that's like the point is like to build those good habits in your life and hopefully those can be an example to other people, not to be like the perfectly like fit person or eat healthy a hundred percent of the time, or, you know, never make mistakes or never, you know, be the most productive at work.
Like all those things are good things to strive for, but it's not like you're, you're, we're saying you're not going to be like succeeding, quote unquote, every single time at like a. Perfect. Like a plus like a hundred percent of the [00:18:00] time, right. But I think it is like that example of like, okay, no, I'm going after the right things and it does set a good example.
And I've always thought of that, um, saying about how so much more is, uh, caught than taught in our families, especially. And so if you see someone and you surround yourself with people who are like trying to live a healthy life and doing like. Good things with their lives. Like you're going to typically be like drawn to that and pulled in that direction.
Um, the same is true of the opposite. If you're surrounding yourself with people who aren't good for you and kind of pull you down and they have like bad habits in their lives, then you're going to be tempted to do that stuff as well. So, um, so I think it's very true for our siblings as well. If we can be somewhat of an example, I always call myself like more of like a guinea pig, like, uh, you can kind of learn from some of the good and learn from the bad as well, because I've certainly made mistakes, but
Jordana: yeah.
Yep. I agree completely.
Joey: Awesome. What was life like for you during the separation and the divorce? You already touched on kind of the role you had to play with your siblings and anything else you'd add though.
Jordana: Yeah. I mean, it was just, it was very high stress for everyone [00:19:00] involved. I mean, I was in my senior year of college, I was working a couple of jobs.
I. You know, wasn't sleeping, um, like no college student does. Um, yeah, it was just, it was just high stress and it was surviving and just, you know, hoping that the next season was coming as quickly as possible.
Joey: You want to put it behind you and that, and that makes a lot of sense. And I'd imagine my parents divorce, unfortunately, spanned out like three years.
So it was like more of like a marathon. Um, and I imagine with a shorter divorce, there's like a, an extent of like whiplash. I remember talking with, um, a coworker in the past who was sharing with me, um, just about how her parents divorce had been like really fast. It was during COVID and when they were doing like stuff online and things actually got more efficient and we're moving pretty fast.
And I think it was like a matter of like a week or something like that. I can't remember the exact timeline. So I think she had kind of experienced in her siblings experience, like a. Bit of whiplash. Did you feel that too or maybe not?
Jordana: That's a great question. [00:20:00] Looking back on it, it didn't feel like whiplash to me.
Yeah, I don't, I don't think so. I think it just felt like, the whole time just felt like scrambling. So maybe it was a little bit of whiplash. You know, it just felt like I was, we were scrambling to put pieces back together and somehow create some kind of stability again as soon as possible.
Joey: That makes so much sense.
And that that word stability is a good one because I think that's like one of the primary things that's removed from the lives of like children regardless of their age when the parents divorce it's it really is and not that it was perfectly stable before but you know it's like there's a broken foundation and then there's like no foundation so to speak and I think it's um it's definitely a really really difficult thing to to go through.
When did you realize that the dysfunction and the divorce were affecting you? Negatively. Like, was it something you woke up and like, Oh gosh, this is affecting me. I didn't realize it. Or were you always kind of aware of it or was it more gradual? What do you think?
Jordana: Yeah, I suppose it was more gradual. I was always very inclined to [00:21:00] people's behavior, which was why I studied psychology in college and very much enjoyed it.
And so there was definitely a level of self awareness for myself. And so it was, but it was more removed. There was a bit of a disconnect. I was like, okay, I know that divorce will affect people in X, Y, and Z. And so I would kind of be on the lookout for that for myself, but you can only be an objective perspective of yourself for so long.
Uh, it's not very sustainable. So I think I noticed it the most, though, when I started dating and was in relationships, I think that was the biggest area that it definitely impacted me. Um, you know, I started noticing, wow, I'm really anxious all of the time. I'm always on edge. I always feel tension. I am so fixated on what other people are thinking of me and am I doing something wrong?
I always felt like I was doing something wrong and communication was terrible. So all of those, all of those ways, I think that started, I started to realize that when I was getting into [00:22:00] relationships and dating.
Joey: If you come from a divorced or broken family, or maybe you know someone who does, we offer more resources than just this podcast.
Those resources include things like a book, free video courses, speaking engagements, a free assessment, online community, and much more. All of our resources are designed for you. to help you heal from the trauma that you've endured and build virtue so you can break that cycle and build a better life. And so if you want to view those resources for yourself or someone that you know, just go to restored ministry.
com slash resources or click on the link in the show notes. No, makes so much sense. And thanks for sharing all that. Um, how about emotional problems? What emotional problems have you experienced?
Jordana: Yeah. Well, I mean, I would say the anxiety was probably the biggest one. Um, I had the most difficult time keeping that in check.
Yeah. Cause it would just, it would just spill over into all of my interactions with people. Like I was impacting every relationship, you know, not just romantic relationships. Yeah. And I think, I think that was just the biggest thing, like fixating on what other people were thinking. And so I was just, fearful and anxious all of the time.[00:23:00]
Joey: Okay. And was that the primary like source of the anxiety kind of like other people's opinion of your perception of you, or was there kind of other things that played out in relationships that caused you to feel anxious?
Jordana: Yeah, I think that was the pri the primary thing that would drive it. And so I would, Be very focused on things that I was saying or things that I was doing, but there was just also a lot of fear, you know, having seen my parents example, having lived their example, that was always a driving fear behind that as well.
You know, I don't want that to happen to me. And again, being aware of, I know that this will affect me in this way and that repeating the cycle is so likely that fear definitely drove it a lot.
Joey: Okay. No, I can relate a lot with that. I think a lot of everyone in this thing can too. Um, who comes from a broken family.
It's like, we want better. We went different. What about bad habits? What bad habits did you fall into to whatever you're comfortable sharing?
Jordana: Sure. Yeah. I think mine were, they were really more emotional, bad habits. Um, maybe that's a way to categorize it, but, uh, I would hold myself [00:24:00] back a lot in, in friendships and relationships.
I wouldn't allow myself to kind of like be fully myself. I wouldn't communicate my needs or my wants. And I would consider that a habit because it just became so second nature for me to not acknowledge anything that I wanted or needed from other people, you know, to the point where I was just making myself miserable because I wasn't, you know, I wasn't either asking for help or I wasn't allowing myself to receive love or help from other people.
That's been a really hard habit to break.
Joey: Yeah. Kind of what I hear you saying is like that fierce independence that. And, and you also mentioned that, um, just kind of like being the chameleon, like changing to kind of be and do what people want instead of maybe just like being yourself and kind of having the attitude of like, you can take it or leave it.
This is me.
Jordana: Yeah. Yeah. I certainly was not like that at all. Yeah. No,
Joey: I, I definitely hear you. And I've seen, we've seen that a lot with like people from broken families, like we're really good at like [00:25:00] reading a crowd and like, you know, not everyone, but like on average, like we're good at reading a crowd and just kind of understanding like what people kind of expect us to be and trying to like fit into that mold.
And yeah. And I think, you know, as you probably can imagine, like, um, so much of it just comes from, you know, Maybe different expectations of our parents and needing to kind of switch roles, whether it's like going over to dad's house or mom's house, or even things at home, like dealing with one or the other, it can be, can be tricky.
And definitely like we seem to have that experience of kind of switching faces, mass roles.
Jordana: Yeah. Yeah.
Joey: I was also wondering just if you would elaborate a little bit more how. You know, you've struggled in relationships, um, especially romantic relationships. Like, have you seen the brokenness from your family come out there?
Jordana: Sure. Yeah. In several ways, um, communication, like I mentioned, was probably the biggest one again, you know, not expressing what I really needed or, or wanted, you know, something as, as small as asking if my significant other wanted to go do something, you know, that like, [00:26:00] even that small request would give me anxiety The anticipation or the fear of rejection of even something as small as that was pretty detrimental to me.
So that just, I mean, that just like micromanages your every interaction with your significant other. So I think that was the biggest area. Um, and then of course that just kind of led to a constant anxiety and a hypervigilance. Hypervigilance was a big one as well. You know, trying to be aware of or anticipating needs in a not healthy way, right?
Where I'm like expecting the worst. All the time or I'm expecting some kind of negative reaction to anything. So just constantly being on edge in, in romantic relationships.
Joey: Okay. Now I hear you. And again, so many of us listening to you can, can relate. Given all of that, when did you decide to ask for help and what's the, what's been the most helpful thing when it comes to helping you heal and transform into, you know, better, stronger you?
Jordana: I was open to asking for help. I think gradually, you know, it's, it started slowly. I got more [00:27:00] and more comfortable being vulnerable. Um, when I was in college, I was very involved with my Newman center. Um, and so like that sense of community was, was huge for me and started to help me become more vulnerable after my parents divorced.
And, um, so I would say that I was like the start of it, kind of like planting seeds, but just as I was, as I was dating more, as I was, You know, learning more about myself and how I interact with other people. I just kind of start to realize you're like, okay, I can't, this isn't sustainable. I can't continue interacting with others in this unhealthy way.
And I need to do something about it. I need to, you know, if I don't want to repeat the cycle, I have to do something about it. Um, You know, and being, it's funny that, you know, I studied psychology, I was, I'm always been super into it. And I'm always, I was always suggesting that other people got therapy. Um, but I would always put it on the back burner for myself, not because I didn't think that I needed it.
I knew that I would benefit from it and probably needed it, but I just didn't feel like it. I did not physically have the energy to, you know, Pour that time into myself. I think that also came from, you know, [00:28:00] putting my needs aside for for that season. Uh, that just kind of like continued, but I did, you know, finally start going to therapy.
And, uh, so that was a big help. Just helping me to talk about. Uh, how I was feeling, how to put, like, what I was feeling internally into words, because that felt very difficult for me, especially when I was talking to other people, because I was just always thinking about what their reaction was going to be.
And so it didn't give me the freedom to take my time putting things into words. Um, so therapy very much helped me do that. And at the same time, I was just filling myself with all kinds of content, listening to podcasts, watching YouTube videos. You know, um, and listening to other people's stories as well made, made a huge impact on, you know, the journey for healing for me.
Joey: Beautiful. Why do you think it's so helpful to put what you're feeling into words to learn the language you need to articulate your story? It's kind of a fascinating thing and it seems like a really simple kind of almost like something you can skip over. But [00:29:00] it's really not. What are your thoughts on that?
Jordana: Yeah, I have a lot of thoughts on that. Um, I just think, you know, your, your interior life, the way that you experience experiences, um, the way you internalize experiences, perhaps being able to have language for that and have another person receive what you specifically are going through, I think is very healing because Then you're not experiencing that rejection, right?
So like this fear of rejection that I kept talking about. And I think maybe a lot of, you know, people from broken families can relate with because maybe their parents didn't always know how or didn't receive them well when they tried to express their feelings, right? And so having, being able to like have the confidence to put language to that and have another person be like, Oh, that makes sense.
You know, maybe they can't relate to what you're going through, but they can understand because of the language that you were using, you know, like, okay, that makes sense that you would feel that way then, or it makes sense that you're internalizing this experience in this way. And it just makes you feel, it makes me feel, you know, understood.
And it's like, okay, I'm not crazy. [00:30:00] Um, I think it, it really lessens the isolating feeling and, you know, the lack of support or a lack of security that that creates.
Joey: That's really good. And that makes a lot of sense. And. I think we've talked about this separately of that, uh, quote, I've heard it from Brené Brown.
She was quoting someone else who said like, the limits of your language are the limits of your world. The limits of your language are the limits of your world. And I think there's so much truth to that. Like if we can't describe our experiences and the things we're feeling, then it really does stifle us.
It like really holds us back in life. Um, and so there's something like really freeing and powerful. And that's a. That's the feedback we've heard the most probably about this podcast is that it frees, it gives people the ability to describe, to put into words their experiences. Um, sometimes, and this always kind of breaks my heart, but sometimes after many, many years of going through their family falling apart, their parents getting divorced, like, you know, I've heard from people in like their 50s, 60s, even heard stories of people in like their 70s.
I'm like, man, I never heard anyone talk about this the way that you guys are. And it's [00:31:00] sad. It's really sad to me that all those years, um, they kind of went through, like you said, isolated, alone, like, kind of maybe dismissing the pain and dismissing like what they had been through. Um, so I think there is something, yeah, so freeing about that.
And I think it also gives you the ability to move beyond it. Cause like, that's the whole goal of everything we're doing here. I know. You know, we're like in the midst of doing this work and we're kind of like living and breathing this every day, but we don't want people to like stay stuck and broken. We want to like move them from that place to a place of like freedom to move on with their life, to kind of close that chapter in the past.
There will always be challenges that come up, but we want them to be like strong and virtuous so they're better able to navigate and handle those challenges, um, and build those healthy relationships. But we don't want anyone to like stay in the past. And I think one of the ways is actually kind of starting with like Hey, this is what happened to me.
Sort of thing. And, um, it's somewhat reminds me of like how in the 12 step programs, like the first step is like kind of admitting that you have a problem. And, uh, and I think one part of admitting you have a problem is like putting language to it.
Jordana: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I completely agree with that because I also, when [00:32:00] you don't have the language, you know, it's just kind of like stored in your body and you're like, I know I'm feeling a certain way, but I don't really know how to explain it.
And, you know, maybe Even I don't even know where it's coming from or what's causing me to feel this way. And so the other element that I would add to that is having the language, being able to move past it because you are able to get to the root, you know, you're like, you're able to put it into words now.
And it's like, okay, well, I, you know, why, why then do I react this way? Why do I feel that way? And, you know, instead of it just being this kind of indescribable. You know, feeling in my chest, feeling in my stomach and in my whole body. Yeah. Yeah. It definitely helps you move past it because you can figure out why.
Joey: Totally. And you make me think in the medical world, right? When you're dealing with some sort of health problem that is nameless, that you don't have a diagnosis for that you can't really figure out, the doctors can't figure out, um, it's really debilitating and there is a, Huge amount of freedom to like putting a name on it, like you have this condition, this is what you're dealing with, you know, hoping that it's like a proper diagnosis of course.
[00:33:00] And, and I think there's like a ton of, yeah, there's definitely a ton of freedom in being able to like put a name on it. Cause then at that point, like if you think in the medical world, then opens up the options of treating it. Because otherwise, you're just kind of like shooting in the dark, like being like, I think this will help.
I don't know if it will help entirely because we don't really know the problem. But once you understand maybe like the problem, then the solutions kind of present themselves. And it makes me think of in the, I forget who said this, but, um, a problem, you know, well defined is a problem half solved. And so if you can get like really clear and Einstein even said something similar.
Um, and I know it's funny, we're relating Einstein to like healing, but I think it applies. Um, he said like talking about kind of his brilliance, he said, it's, it's not that I'm so much smarter. It's just that I stick with the problem longer and, and I don't know if that perfectly translates to healing, but I think there's an important principle in that, like, yeah, if we like really understand our stories and like what we've been through and like how it, We've been affected that gives us the freedom to go seek the help that we need, then leading us to hopefully put that in our past, close that chapter, move on and just thrive in life.
And then the other thing I was thinking of [00:34:00] was how the first time, um, I, you know, really experienced kind of intense, like anxiety, I didn't actually know what I was experiencing. It was, it was just like you said, it was like something I felt in my chest, but I couldn't put. a name to it. Like I knew I was like worried or I knew that I was just didn't feel like at peace, but I didn't know like, Oh wow, you're going through like really intense anxiety right now.
So having the language now gives me a bit of like power over it and like freedom of like, okay, if I experienced that again, then I know what I'm experiencing. So I can then do things or get help. They'll help me kind of counteract that.
Jordana: Yeah. The power in the self mastery, I think is another. big element of that because if you, if it's nameless, you don't know what it is.
It's like, okay, well, how am I, how am I going to harness this? How am I going to move forward? It's just kind of something that feels out of my control and it's just going to keep happening because I can't, you know, put a name to it. I can't, I don't know what solutions are there if there's no name for it.
So I think that actually the medical analogy was, was very, was very apt for that.
Joey: Good. I'm glad that's always been helpful for me because I think when we talk about like emotional healing, [00:35:00] it can be kind of elusive and abstract and I think it's helpfully compared to something that a lot of us like understand better.
Good stuff. I was curious to if there were any particular books, podcasts or other content that have helped you the most.
Jordana: Yeah. Well, certainly your podcast. Um, I remember finding your podcast, uh, very early, uh, this year actually. And, um, I think, you know, actually same for me. It gave me a lot of language also made me feel not alone because I'm hearing other people's stories of similar things that I've been through and it just helps so much, you know, again, with the language and people understanding you, it helps you to feel not so isolated.
And, uh, I was really, really very grateful to the abiding together podcast with sister Mary and James and the restore the glory podcast with Dr. Bob shoots and Dr. Those were just very formational in. My healing journey, especially as of late, I would say in the past couple of years. Um, you know, listening to them talk about how to live healthy, listening to them and their honesty with their [00:36:00] struggles as well, you know, just keeping it very, very real.
And, but at the same time, you know, acknowledging how difficult it is to just, you know, live in general. Um, so yeah, I would say that those. Those certainly. And, um, also by Father Jacques Philippe. Um, I already forgot the, the title of the book. We just talked about it right before recording. Um, but it's about surrender, surrendering to the Lord.
I think that that was like, that was just very eye opening, like maintaining peace and surrender. It just, it shifted my entire spiritual life. It shifted a lot about my mindset and how I approach, uh, you know, difficult things that kind of life throws at you
Joey: and there's plenty of those things. Um, and I think that, you know, Book's name is searching for maintaining peace or peace of heart, something like that.
We'll, we'll link to it in the show notes so you guys can pick it up. And I, I was just saying, um, before we were recording, we were talking about that book and how influential it's been on me and I've read it multiple times and just cause I've needed a different periods in life. It's really been helpful when I've kind of been going through [00:37:00] seasons of like uncertainty or anxiety, like worry that just has brought a lot of peace.
So, and I know you can relate to that. So beautiful and love those podcasts, like great suggestions and definitely recommend everyone listening. Um, check those out if you're looking for more content on healing. Um, what about people? I'm curious what people like for their friends, mentors, whoever have helped you the most?
Jordana: Oh, man, there's actually there's so many I couldn't even bring them all up but Yeah, there's been so many people in all of the different seasons that i've gone through in the past six years people from my newman center, you know, whether it was campus ministers or Uh, you know the priests that were there Priesthood in my parish and just very good.
I thank the Lord every day, man. Like he's really blessed me with the people that he's put in my life, you know, just friends who are also growth oriented, friends who are able to have vulnerable conversations and are passionate about, you know, in the same way as me about, you know, just being better and, you know, living a virtuous life.
You know, I have very, two very close friends that come to mind right now where I'm able to [00:38:00] have those conversations with them. And one of those friends is about 10 years older than me. And, you know, we have conversations like this all the time and she's able to lend me some of her wisdom, you know, being a little bit older than I am and it's just, it's beautiful.
So God is, God is really, really good in that area.
Joey: I love that. And, um, no, I think that's probably been the most influential thing, like the content. has been helpful. Therapy has been helpful, but I think like my relationships with my mentors, like you said, has probably been the most like transformative and healing thing for me too.
So I love that you mentioned that. Did you go to therapy? And if so, what was therapy like for you?
Jordana: Yeah, so I've been in therapy for a couple of years. It was, you know, the actual going to therapy wasn't a struggle for me. Well, after I got over the hurdle of, you know, kind of not feeling like doing it. But the actual like talking about what was bothering me and talking about, you know, where I was struggling, thankfully it was not a challenge for me because I just wanted a solution so bad.
You know, I was like, okay, what do we need to do? You know, what are, where do I need to work on these things to, you know, be better? And so [00:39:00] that was like a really good experience. Like I said, it helped me to communicate and express, you know, what I was actually feeling and, you know, made me, you know, a lot more well spoken, which was, which was really nice.
And it was good to just have a space. I'm sure anyone who's gone to therapy can relate to this, you know, hopefully it was good therapy, you know, having just a space to be able to talk about all of those things, because I didn't feel like I had that, you know, growing up. And, you know, I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that as well.
Just a lot of people don't know how to receive vulnerable things well, right? And so having that space in therapy to be able to talk about that and just, you know, You know, let them, the person on the other side just let me be and exist, you know, is, is healing in itself. So, and I think those are probably the biggest ways that therapy's impacted.
Joey: If you'd like to share your story with us, we'd love to hear it. You can do that in three easy steps, but first, some of the benefits of sharing your story, reflecting on your story and sharing it with someone who can receive it with empathy is actually healing on a neurobiological level and makes your brain [00:40:00] healthier, according to neurobiologists.
Writing your story is also healing. Studies have shown that people who write about emotionally. Significant events in their lives or less depressed, they're less anxious, they're healthier, and they're happier. And finally, it can be really helpful to someone who's maybe on the same path that you're on, but a bit far behind you, uh, to just hear your advice and to hear your story since they're going through things that you've been through.
And so if you wanna share your story, just go to restored ministry.com. Uh, you can fill out the form on that page that will guide you in telling a short version of your story. And then we'll take that and turn it into an anonymous. if you want to share your story now, you can do so at restored ministry.
com slash story, or just by clicking the link in the show notes. I like that. I was listening to another podcast. Um, it was actually, it was, um, a pastor of all things at a hospital talking about how like their presence is meant to be like a nonjudgmental comforting presence. And I think that's like kind of describes a therapist for me in a lot of ways.
It's just like, they're there to like kind of walk with you, you know, not judge you. And hopefully even challenge you to grow. [00:41:00] I, that's, I guess the one thing I would add is like the best therapists I've had are ones that not just like are mirrors and are, they reflect everything back to you, but it's more like they see what you're saying.
They see like your struggles and then they challenge you to be better, to do the things that are necessary to move from like where you are to where you want to be in life and whatever arena. Do you remember the type of therapy you've done? I don't mean to get too technical with that, but I'm just curious if you remember.
Jordana: Yeah, no, not at all. I think that's actually very important. So I was doing just regular talk therapy. Um, at first I think it was, you know, very cognitive behavioral therapy focused, you know, where you acknowledge the negative thoughts and then you try to replace them with positive thoughts. more healthy, positive, uh, thoughts.
So it's kind of like a thought rewiring process. Um, and interestingly enough for me, that only helps for so long because you can only battle with your thoughts for a long enough time where it's like, okay, this doesn't really work anymore. Um, and then, you know, most recently I have kind of delved into EMDR therapy, uh, mixed with some IFS.
So that's eye movement therapy. Desensitization, [00:42:00] reprocessing therapy and internal family systems. And it just kind of gets like more practical, at least that's how it felt for me, you know, it was just kind of getting to, okay, you're having these thoughts where we were in the cognitive behavioral realm, but it's like, why are they, why do they keep occurring, you know, and where exactly are they coming from and why are they still coming up, you know, after this, all this time of you trying to replace them with these other thoughts.
Um, and so that has been, that was really, really helpful. Very eye opening. And yeah, it's just, it's like deep work, you know, you're kind of like, instead of just like trimming the grass on top, you're like digging with a shovel underneath and you're like, Oh, these roots are here. That's why these weeds keep growing.
Um, yeah, that's kind of how it felt.
Joey: Wow. No, that's fascinating. And, um, no, we need to, we talked recently about, um, internal family systems, but the EMDR, I'd love to know more about that. I've heard bits and pieces, but I really don't know much about it at all. Um, What are the therapy sessions like with that?
Jordana: Sure. Yeah. So. I did only a couple. She was mostly [00:43:00] IFS focused, but, um, so EMDR is very memory focused, at least in the experiences that I had. Um, so I'm certainly going to not explain this as well because I'm not a psychologist or a scientist, but the science behind it is when your eyes are moving in a bilateral direction left to right.
Um, Your brain is more able to access long term memories. Uh, and so what happens is, uh, we were doing this virtually. So she had a dot on the screen and it was moving left to right. And she was like, okay, we were talking about a specific memory. And she said, think about that memory. And I want you to watch the dot.
So you just kind of like sit there for like 30 seconds. You're watching the dial. You're thinking about the memory and then she stops it. And she asks, okay, you know what, what was coming up for you? While you were doing that. And, you know, maybe some more specific details about the memory will come up or feelings that you were feeling in that moment.
Um, and then so she does like a couple more times where you're thinking about the memory and she adds like another layer to it. The second time she said, okay, now picture yourself in that memory. Like you, your present self now picture yourself in that memory [00:44:00] and we're going to watch the dot again. Right.
And so that kind of like makes it a little bit more intense. Like, you know, what would, what are you feeling, you know, watching yourself in that specific memory. And then the last, you know, One was kind of like, you know, what would you say, how would you offer your help to yourself in that memory or what would you have done in that situation if you now were in that memory, if that makes sense?
Joey: Yeah.
Jordana: So it's very, it's very interesting. And, you know, by the end you kind of, I felt, you know, a little bit of a weight lifted off and I felt it kind of, it creates this compassion for yourself, you know, it's a kind of encouragement to give yourself some grace.
Joey: Yeah, and it sounds like it's based in like brain science and neurobiology, which is fascinating, something to do with like memories and maybe trauma and things like that, like kind of making it so they don't affect your day to day life as much, because that was one of the things we were talking with Dr.
Peter Malinowski in a previous episode about how your subconscious is. Really rules your life in so many ways. And what we see below the surface, like what we perceive of each other is really the tip of the iceberg, like 90 percent of who we are [00:45:00] and like why we do what we do is like below the surface and often like unconscious.
And so, um, that's, it sounds like that's like what it's getting after is trying to kind of correct. Some of that like unconscious is, is that right? Or is that off base?
Jordana: Yeah, that's absolutely the thought behind it. Yeah. It's getting out the shovel and, you know, digging underneath and getting to the, to the roots of the weeds.
Joey: Cool. Okay. That, that makes sense. Huh? Yeah. Thanks for explaining it. What again, to whatever degree you're comfortable sharing, what kind of ongoing or recent family challenges have you faced?
Jordana: That's a good question. Actually, I feel like in this season that I'm currently in, uh, my family's kind of the most, you know, everybody's doing pretty well.
Um, you know, it's kind of the most stable that we, I think, have all been since the divorce, which is just a, an enormous blessing and I'm so grateful for that. I think that, you know, the most recent challenge was really helping out a couple of my siblings through, uh, mental health challenges, you know, trying to figure out how to be there for them, you know, and, and of course, it was, Some, some elements were because of childhood things [00:46:00] or because of the divorce, but, uh, also just the problems that the divorce created, you know, leading to certain behaviors, if that makes sense.
Um, so I think that, that was probably like the most recent challenge was kind of helping them through that, you know, like, how do I be there for them through that, you know, I'm at this stage in my healing personally, and, you know, how do I get to where they are and support them through that without, you know, Pressuring them without making them feel like I'm not, you know, understanding what they're going through.
Joey: What did you learn through that process? Like another way to say it is yeah What did you learn and what advice would you offer to maybe someone listening right now who? Is going through something similar like they have a family member or even a friend who is going through some struggles Maybe related directly or indirectly to the breakdown of their family their parents divorce Um, yeah, i'm curious like what did you learn and what wisdom would you pass on?
To help them help that person.
Jordana: Sure. Yeah. I don't know. I actually know if I have a very good answer to that because I still feel like I struggle in that area. You know, it's, it's, it's common. It's like, you know, somebody who's going through so much distress and you want to [00:47:00] help, you want to offer a solution, but you know, a solution is not necessarily what they need.
I think my biggest piece of advice really would. Be to just, and this may sound cliche, but just be there for them, you know, make them, make them really know that you are not going anywhere, you know, that you, if they want to talk about anything at all, like you're going to be there for them and you're available and have the capacity to listen to them and, uh, support them through what they're going through.
Joey: I love that. And that's not bad advice at all. I think that's a beautiful principle that we often forget, especially men. Like I'm the worst at it. Cause it's like, Oh, we're so, and in some
Jordana: men,
Joey: I feel like men were more. Yeah. I can certainly be
Jordana: that way. I know that.
Joey: Yeah. Yeah. No, like we, we, we, Probably like the problem solver personality of like, Hey, I know what we need to do to fix this.
And like, yeah, but it's not about fixing the thing. It's more about, yeah, just like being with the person. And this one, uh, psychotherapist, Megan Devine, she talks about how when people are going through difficult times, like when they're grieving, a lot of times we're tempted to [00:48:00] try to like cheer them up and to try to like help them to see the bright side of it or to kind of like move past it maybe faster than they should.
And, um, she says that like the most powerful healing, helpful thing you can do is just like kind of enter into the mess with them and just be with them, just like you said, and that alone is going to help them way more than coming up with the perfect solution, which is so counterintuitive and something that I know is frustrating for me sometimes to do.
But, but that's what people need in that moment. They need the empathy and the empathy, just kind of being, I remember Brene Brown talking about that. Like the difference between sympathy and empathy is like, If your friend falls in the water, like off of a boat, sympathy is like throwing them, like, you know, uh, a life like vest or something.
It's like, Hey, sorry, you fell in like, good luck. Empathy is like jumping in the water with them, just being there in the midst of it and the messiness. And I think there's something like so powerful with that. And, um, not, not to say you can't offer solutions or that you can't, you know, try to help them like out of the mess or.
move forward, get the help that they need a hundred percent. But there's [00:49:00] something about like, even while they're going through that, being the presence in their life, that is just kind of that rock that found, you know, that, um, not necessarily the foundation, cause they need to learn to stand on their own two feet.
But, um, but at least there is like a stable presence and helping them kind of get back on their feet and walk. Walk by themselves, if that's making sense. Anything you'd add to that?
Jordana: Yeah, I think it's kind of a moment to moment thing, kind of like you're looking at your life through seasons. You can kind of look at that situation through moments, right?
There's a moment where they just need support. There's also a moment where, you know, you kind of need to help them pick themselves back up. And cause we never, like you said, we never want people to stay stuck, but, uh, you know, it's just kind of like having prudence to assess what moment needs, what, uh, remedy, I suppose.
Joey: I like that. That's really wise, the moment. So I think that makes sense. Cause yeah, and I think there is a point even in like the grieving process where, I know I've faced this in different situations where we might be tempted to just stay there forever. And even if we've like gone through grieving, we might just feel tempted to like stick in that kind of victim mentality space.
And we, and those moments, in my opinion, we need to [00:50:00] be challenged. So we need to kind of be shaken a little bit and be like, okay, like now what, now what are you going to do? This, this really difficult thing happened and not in like a harsh way, but I think we all need to hear that at some point in grieving.
I don't know the exact like timeline or what, how that looks, but, um, hope to have more answers for you guys on that. But yeah, I think there's something to that. So I love that idea of like seasons or moments of like, they need this now and they'll need this later.
Jordana: Yeah. Yep.
Joey: Really good stuff. Though we are always.
a work in progress. Um, how are, are you in your life better now that you've, you know, put some effort into healing and growth?
Jordana: Yeah, that's a great question. I think that, I mean, my biggest area of struggle was always communication. And I think that's the biggest area that I've improved in. Thanks be to God.
Um, you know, I'm able to kind of take a pause if I need to, you know, express something. I'm able to have language to, uh, talk about things and it's just like such a, it's such a barrier removed, especially in relationships. You know, where I was kind of putting up a wall for vulnerability and intimacy and, [00:51:00] and now it's a lot more removed.
And it certainly wouldn't be that way. I don't think if I hadn't sought out, you know, all of the, the help and, and received that help that I have.
Joey: I love that. And, um, have there been tactics too and things you've learned about better handling anxiety or is that, yeah, I'm just kind of curious of the growth there.
Cause you seem to have grown a lot there as well. If, if I'm not judging that wrong.
Jordana: Yeah, no, you're certainly right about that, because, you know, like I said, I was just constantly living in this like bodily and mental tension all of the time that really just, it was a combination of a lot of things, a combination of time.
It was a combination of, you know, practicing just basic skills, like deep breathing, uh, creating times of rest for myself, you know, taking hold of my thoughts and definitely like prayer. I certainly can't leave that, um, out of this. Uh, you know, like I said, the book about peace and surrender by father Jean Philippe.
That, like, type of spirituality completely shifted how anxious I was feeling. It was, it was pretty incredible. Um, but yeah, all, all of those factors really went into that. And I'm, [00:52:00] again, so grateful to God for that because it's such a miserable way to live. It really is.
Joey: No, it is. I think, yeah, it's even hard to see clearly when you're in the midst of it, like we were talking about before.
So I'm really happy for you to, you know, have a more self mastery over that. That's like really beautiful. And in terms of the communication, you're an awesome communicator. Like this has been a great interview and I, um, even working with you for as long as we have been now, basing it off of what you described and struggling in communication, you've been awesome.
So I can attest to that. I appreciate that
Jordana: very much. I'm glad that you can see the fruits. That's all I could hope for.
Joey: Yeah, no, it's a really good thing. Like even, you know, just good questions you've asked or the way you phrase things, it's never rude, but it's always like, Hey, you know, I need some clarity here, like, Hey, what do I do in this situation?
Or, you know, how can I like help this person or whatever? So I think it's, yeah, you definitely, it's cool to see the growth there. And I know that you're still in that trajectory to grow even more, which is beautiful and we're here cheering you on, of course, if you could, um, speak to your parents, shifting gears a little bit, if you could speak to them honestly about, you know, everything that's happened, what would you want them to know?
What would you say?
Jordana: [00:53:00] Yeah, well, it's certainly a loaded question. Um, I don't know, I think I would just want them to know that. You know, how, how much I consider all the things that they've been through, and maybe they don't realize how much, you know, their, the experiences of their lives have shaped them into who they were and who they, you know, still are now.
And, um, I guess I would, I would just want to like emphasize the importance of that, the importance of taking a look at yourself and the things that you have been through and try to like connect the dots and see, you know, where, where is that impacting you in your life now? Cause I, you know, I think that's just at the root of our whole, all of our stories, you know, in my whole family.
I
Joey: appreciate that honesty. And I just want to thank you for your overall honesty and vulnerability in this conversation. I've learned a lot from you and I know everyone listening has too. So thank you for being here. Thanks for going through this. I am. Just encourage everyone to check out the resources that Jordana mentioned.
We'll link to all that in the show notes so you guys can check them out. And, uh, Jordana, in closing, thanks [00:54:00] again. Uh, just want to give you the final word. And that question is, you know, what advice or encouragement would you offer to the younger you who's perhaps listening right now?
Jordana: Keep going. I think the hope is, you know, hope is the anchor, right?
Like, that's what kept me moving forward. Just the, the optimism, you know, just kind of like a realistic optimism, right? Where, you know, I know things might not be great right now and they might not get better soon, even, even if I wanted to, but, you know, it will be. better. And I can certainly say that from my own life.
Um, yeah, just, you know, keep, keep trudging through, keep walking through, you know, with your rain boots in the mud. Essentially, that's how I feel sometimes. But yeah, just keep the hope, keep trudging through, like it does get better.
Joey: That wraps up this episode. If this podcast has helped you feel free to subscribe or follow us on Apple podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or your podcast app.
Not only is it the best way to avoid missing future episodes, but the more subscribers we have, the more apps we'll [00:55:00] suggest our show to people who are looking for help, and it only takes a few seconds. If you've already done that, feel free to rate or review the show that also helps other listeners to find the podcast.
In closing, always remember you are not doomed to repeat your family's dysfunction. We're here to help you heal your brokenness, navigate the challenges, and build healthy relationships so you can break that cycle and build a better life. And keep in mind the words of C. S. Lewis who said, you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.
