The Key to Ultimate Wholeness
8 minute read
This story was written by Raschelle at 55 years old. Her parents divorced when she was only 1 year old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
HER STORY
I have no personal memory of my parent's separation and subsequent divorce. What information I do have, I have been told over the years by both parents, my older sister who was 6 years old at the time, and my grandparents.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
This is an interesting question when your parents separate and divorce before you have the ability to actually remember the specifics. I literally grew up with divorced parents being my norm even though in 1965 it was not the world's norm.
I remember recognizing and observing my family was different than others around me when I was about the age of 4 years old. However, I did not have the maturity of thought to understand exactly what this meant or to put it into context. Therefore, at times I felt afraid, not because each of my parents did not do the best they were individually able to do to offer us security and stability, but because I didn't understand all the uncertainty around me.
I learned my Dad would leave and come back by observation because I could not understand, at this age, what "I will see you in two weekends" actually meant. Young children don't have a context of time. Therefore, I gained confidence and trust observing my parents following through on commitments and through promises kept. As I aged and matured, my feelings changed.
At times I felt feelings of abandonment by my Dad; feelings of frustration because I wanted a "normal" or intact family; feelings of guilt as if my parent's felt I loved one more than the other; feelings of not being enough because I obviously wasn't enough to stop my Dad from pursuing affairs with multiple women over the course of my lifetime. (At the time of his death my Dad was married to his sixth wife.)
And yet beyond my feelings of confusion, hurt, abandonment, frustration, insignificance, among others, as I aged and matured in thought and feeling, I came to understand, believe, and feel, given the circumstances surrounding my parent's separation and subsequent divorce, my Mother made the only decision she could have made at the time to save me and my sister from a life of inconsistency, instability and lacking in security.
This understanding came through first, my faith and trust in a God, Heavenly Father, who does not abandon us, loves us completely just as we are and right where we are, even in the midst of heartache, disappointment, trauma, and great loss. I also embraced therapy while in college. I had a deep desire to unpack what I had stuffed inside my heart for so many years so I could reach a place of wholeness and healing.
HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER
I honestly believe it impacted me most during the time just after I moved to college. I spent my childhood concerned about things children should not have to be concerned about. I would like to reiterate, this was not because my parents lacked the desire to give us the best they could, it was, I believe, more because divorce was NOT the norm at this time and there was still so little understood about its impact on children. I am confident my parents each did the best they individually knew how to do.
I say individually because they each grew up in very different environments. Yet, they each were raised in intact homes themselves. So, it wasn't until I left home to attend college, that I allowed myself to fully comprehend and begin to unpack the magnitude of my parent's divorce, our blended families on both sides, and the impact all these thoughts, feelings, and experiences, spoken and unspoken, had on my life.
It was very heavy and it was also the first time I realized this could and most likely would affect my ability to have a stable marriage and family if I did not choose to go there and unpack everything I had stuffed deep inside over my life's first 18 years.
College was a struggle for me academically. Not because I was not smart or capable of being successful in the classroom, more because of the weight of emotions I felt yet buried because to voice them might cause the ones I loved so much more pain and heartache. Things a child should never have to worry about, yet most Children of divorce do. In some ways when divorce occurs in a child's infancy, I believe a certain emotional innocence is forever lost for that child.
And I also want to be clear with this, it is often NOT the intention of the parents for this to occur, it is because of the emotional, physical, spiritual and mental immaturity of the child. Infants grow up in an environment where the opportunity to bond equally with both parents is not possible. Bonding is critical for the overall health and wellness of children. However, it doesn't mean it can not occur it still can, it will just occur differently and over time rather than being an innate part of an infant's experience.
ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED
First, I am so sorry. My heart aches with and for you. Nothing that you feel is wrong. Your feelings are valid and real and you were created on purpose and for an incredible purpose! You are seen, you are known, you matter, and you are loved!
No one else fully determines the course of your life... you do! Your life doesn't have to follow your parent's decisions or experiences. You have the incredible opportunity to choose your own path, write your own life's story, and paint your life's own spectacular and individual picture. You did not cause your parent's separation or divorce.
The key to ultimate wholeness is forgiveness. It is not always easy and it does not necessarily happen in one moment, it is a process. Sometimes, you don't forgive for others, you forgive for the wholeness and freedom it gives you. In some situations, which was true in my experience, my Dad never felt he did anything he needed forgiveness from or ever apologized for. So there was not a big forgiveness conversation, I made a decision to do so for me. And, in doing so, I forged a deeper love for and understanding of my Dad. I also found and continue to experience joy in my life.
My mother, on the other hand, has lived much of her life feeling guilt over the effects of my parent's divorce on her children. This breaks my heart for her. I pray she can let go of her guilt. I pray she comes to the place where she believes me when I tell her I honestly wouldn't change the circumstances of my life because they brought me to where I am today, and honestly, I like who I am and I love myself in a healthy and whole manner.
God knew I needed both of my parents to be who I am today. I believe by grace, I was given the best parts of who they both were and are. It has been a process to reach this place in my life, however, I am living proof you can find, live, experience, and celebrate all the very best life has to give! It's a choice. Having the choice is also having the power to write your own story and paint your own picture!
We all have choices we must embrace them. My hope for all children of divorce is that you realize you have a voice, you deserve to be heard and listened to, your experiences, feelings, and thoughts matter.
HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES
1. The stigma the world places on children of divorce needs to be unveiled and changed. We are all members of this silent club none of us asked to join. We were enlisted in it by our parent's choices.
2. Teens and young adults need the tools, opportunities, and freedom to unpack the emotions, feelings, and experiences they have stuffed inside. It is not an easy journey but it is a journey worth taking as the end result is wholeness and health, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. It is not a sprint, there are no shortcuts, it is a marathon.
3. The Act and Gift of Forgiveness needs to be better explained and understood. It is a process and understanding of what this process looks like and feels like brings healing, freedom, and wholeness.
4. Help in understanding each sibling in a family will have their own unique and individual experience that may or may not be similar to one another. This is key in forging stronger bonds, and in understanding and appreciating one another's own stories. It gives validation to how each person's experiences, memories, and feelings combine together and ultimately paint the picture of your family.
5. More tools need to be available to help teens and young adults realize they don't have to live in a continued pattern of chaos and uncertainty which tends to be the norm. They can find comfort and familiarity living in a place of peace, calm, and security. These things can feel and be your norm, not just a sometimes reality.
6. Living a life of Wholeness, Health, Forgiveness, and Joy are choices we choose to embrace! They are possible even in the midst of the most heartbreaking of circumstances. We choose our outcomes no one else has the right to determine this for us!
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