My Parents' Divorce Made Me Feel Abandoned
6 minute read
The story below is from an anonymous author, written at 15 years old. Her parents’ divorced when she was 4 or 5, then again at 14. She gave permission for this story to be shared.
HER STORY
We were a pretty normal middle-class family. We attended a local Baptist church. We had just recently moved from California to Oregon to be near family. At the time, my dad was working a lot to support my family. He was working a lot of graveyard shifts and sleeping when he could. My mom was staying home and taking care of my three older brothers and me.
Within my mom’s boredom and loneliness - at least that's her excuse - while my dad was at work she would lock herself in our office and go on the computer to play this online “adult game.” She would chat with men on there and flirt with them. She also talked bad about my dad to her friends on there and online male acquaintances.
My dad eventually looked through the computer‘s search history. He found the game and what she was spending hours on. He found the messages to these men. (God, when I write this out I realize how dumb this is....) He confronted her about it and he really wanted to work it out and go to counseling. She rejected his offer and she packed her things. She left for a few months, leaving my whole family behind.
My dad was left to support us on his own. Within months, they finalized the divorce. I was with my dad most of the time and with my mom every other weekend. It is still like this to this day.
Both of them remarried. My dad married my stepmom, whom I cherish very much. She has three boys too, so they are my brothers as well.
My mom married my stepdad. I didn't really have much a relationship with him but he wasn't a bad guy. He has a son that is a year younger than me. He was my best friend. I love him very much and I always looked forward to seeing him every other weekend and chatting about life. We were very close. Yes, we had our occasional arguments just like all siblings do. If you've noticed I am talking in the past tense... My mom initiated the divorce with my stepdad because he was having trouble with alcohol. There was no physical abuse, but he would be a real jerk when drinking. That is one of the many reasons she had for the divorce.
Last December, they got divorced and we moved out into a tiny apartment. It’s just my 16-year-old brother and me because my other two brothers are in the Air Force. My mom put a restraining order against my stepdad. That means I can't talk to my younger stepbrother - I am not allowed to see him till next December and I really miss him. He was my best friend and that really sucks to not see him. He was the good that came from my dad and mom’s divorce.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
Well, at the time I was quite young and didn't really understand it. I don't remember it very well but I have a few vivid memories of the situation. But I remember being confused and thinking, "Where's Mommy?" But I am very thankful for my Dad, how he handled it and supported my brothers and me.
But with my mom and my stepdad’s divorce, I feel very resentful toward my mom because I feel like she is being really selfish about it and she doesn't care about how I miss my brother. (I don't want to use names so that's why I'm using pronouns.) Don't get me wrong, I love my mom very much, we just have a very complicated relationship. But my stepdad and mom’s divorce hit really hard since I'm older and can remember it. It’s definitely made me sad and unmotivated. Not exactly depressed but it’s hard since it happened pretty recently.
HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER
It's really affected my friendships. It really caused some abandonment issues since my mom left us when I was younger. With my friends, I get really hurt if they have other friends, or if I have a fight or argument with them I get really scared for the future of the friendship.
Most of my friendships have failed and when they have, it took a big toll on me. To this day, I have very few friends and it’s hard for me to connect with people because of insecurities. I don't want temporary friendships. For me, it’s important to have true bonds with people.
My best friend is amazing, Godly, and a great friend but she has a very normal Christian life, so she doesn't really understand but she tries her best. And since my mom and stepdad’s divorce just happened and I am still a teen, I'm not really sure what to say because it’s still going on...
ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED
There is the cliché, "You are not alone." Which is very true. But one thing that has really helped me was this: We all have a story.
We all have things that happened to us in adolescence that affected us in a negative way. Some may be bigger than others. But what matters is that you can either learn from your parents’ mistakes, or you don't and instead act out upon them.
Some of the most troubled people had a trauma they experienced earlier in life. They didn't get the help they needed and they changed in a negative way rather than positive. So I guess what I'm saying is that you have the choice to choose your path in life.
HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES
I believe that although the divorce and separation rates are very high, I don't think it should be normalized. Nowadays it’s easy to just look over the fact that someone is a child of divorce/separation. I think that they all need to be given a safe place to be heard and share their story. Because processing it on our own is not good.
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