My Heart Began to Tear in Two
5 minute read
This story was written by an anonymous contributor at 31 years old. His parents divorced when he was 8 years old. He gave permission for his story to be shared.
HIS STORY
I was 8 years of age when my mom filed for divorce after finding a man who made her happier than my dad. In the end, my dad wanted the divorce as well. My parents didn't discern their choice to marry very well: my dad didn't really 'love' my mom, and my mom thought she could accept certain character flaws in my dad that, turns out, she could not. (Among other things from both sides). It sounds like they shouldn't have married in the first place.
I hear much of their marriage was unhappy. But, as an adolescent, I was oblivious to much of it. They would fight—yell at one another, primarily. But rarely did it amount to anything, or so it seemed. As far as I was concerned, life was good. My sister and I had numerous friends about our same age in the neighborhood with whom we'd play roller hockey, tag, jump on the trampoline, play in dirt piles, etc. School was good. Sports were enjoyable. We went on family vacations to the beach which were the best. Life was oh so good.
Then one day, shortly after a rough fight, my mom and dad sat my sister and me down in the sunroom, and my mom told us that she and my dad would be spending some time apart for a while. I really didn't understand the ramifications of that until some time later when we were cleaning up our house in order to sell it and move into two separate houses. I remember my mom complimenting me on how clean and orderly my room looked; it was bittersweet receiving the compliment knowing that on the one hand, I was pleasing my mom, and on the other, I was helping mom and dad go their separate ways. My heart began to tear in two in order to follow both.
A few months later my mom and stepdad married and moved into a house in a retirement neighborhood. My dad had moved into a house outside of town where there were no kids. And then the every other week routine began.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HIM FEEL
Sadness was the prevailing emotion. I was (and still am) sad at the loss of my parents' marriage, our family, a stable home, consistently playing with and visiting friends. My mom had taught us to pray before going to sleep at night when we were quite young. After their divorce, I would frequently pray the "Parent Trap" prayer hoping they would get back together. I also recall times of anger, loneliness, confusion. After a while, I simply stopped feeling anything.
HOW HIS PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HIM
I feel like I am still uncovering the ways. These effects may be from my parent's divorce or elsewhere; I find it confusing. One effect has been on my internal stability. I can feel anxious and lost even at home. Where is home, by the way? I've noticed a difficulty in making and keeping friendships. Oftentimes I can be quite independent. After the divorce, I began to occasionally skip outings with friends or feigning an illness during sleepovers so I could just be home with mom or dad. After all, I would tell myself, "I only get to see my mom and dad half as much as my other friends." I have difficulty feeling emotions and being vulnerable with others. Sometimes I become aware of this and realize just how oblivious I can be to my emotions. I also experience much confusion and a deep wanting for connection and direction. A big impact has been a lack of trust in romantic relationships. I have felt very sensitive to signs of betrayal from previous girlfriends. This can lead me to close off if I'm not careful.
ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED
I'd advise the person to share his/her thoughts and feelings with a trusted person as soon as possible, and frequently. Also, maintain your other relationships: with God and with good family and with good friends. See a counselor/therapist as well, someone who is trained to help children of divorce.
HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED OR SEPARATED FAMILIES
Help him/her process what is happening as soon as possible.
A child of divorced parents needs a consistent listening ear, someone with the disposition to understand as opposed to being understood, and who gives the child time and space to share. The child needs someone who recognizes that when the child says that everything is ok, it's really not ok. The child needs the acknowledgment that what he/she is feeling is real and important. Unfortunately, during a divorce, the parents may not be emotionally available, and, frankly speaking, perhaps they never were. This can lead to the child holding in thoughts and emotions that can lead to future harm.
I think helping the children form healthy relationships is also quite important.
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