I Became My Mother's Counselor After the Divorce
3 minute read
This story was written by Kate Meyer at 36 years old. Her parents divorced when she was 6 years old. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
HER STORY
My biological father was/is an alcoholic, lacked responsibility, and was emotionally and physically abusive to my mother. After a few years of trying to make her marriage work with my father, she decided it was best to separate and later divorce him. Within a couple of years, she met my stepdad and when I was eight years old she married him.
Through the years they have had their fair share of disagreements and power struggles. Two years ago (2018) my stepdad had to have a major abdominal surgery requiring several months of recovery time. Since then, he's become more angry and controlling, often yelling at my mother and seems to think she doesn’t do anything right.
This triggers my mother’s childhood memories of times when her mother was overly controlling and belittling. Sadly their marriage has disintegrated, as they barely say more than a few words to each other each day. Currently, my mom is in the process of moving to a separate residence and has regained employment.
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
I don't remember very much about the first years after the divorce. Growing into adolescence was challenging. When I was a little girl, I remember feeling the need to take responsibility for my mom's emotional wellbeing.
Taking ownership, I became like a counselor, listening and comforting her. Throughout my childhood and young adult years, we've depended on each other for emotional support. Over the last few years, I've come to notice how I often feel slightly despondent around her. There has also been some resentment.
Growing up, I always felt the need to be overly calm, balancing out the stress and anxiety that my parents exhibited towards each other. While being calm has served me well, it also has had its drawbacks, in limiting my more creative, light-hearted side.
HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER
My parent’s divorce has impacted my dating life. Unfortunately, I haven't had a close relationship with my biological dad or my stepdad, basically surface level conversations and YES I jump into that counselor role sometimes by listening to their woes and concerns. . . I’m still trying to turn away from those conversations.
Overall though, when it comes to dating, I think I've longed for companionship and have often dated out of a sense of loneliness instead of dating a man that I'm deeply attracted to or experience a deep connection with.
Realizing these dynamics, I've decided to "reset" my dating ways, trusting that God will fill the void of loneliness and if He sees fit will provide a loving boyfriend when the time is right.
ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED
I would advise going to counseling and talking out your thoughts and feelings. I never had the opportunity to go to counseling when I was young, I didn't know there was such a thing until college.
I would also encourage you to lean on your faith, asking God for strength and opportunities to learn more about His healing power. I've experienced so much healing through the years by taking advantage of retreats, prayer experiences, and learning more about myself through these kinds of processes.
Don't let opportunities pass you by!
HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES
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