Abuse, Addiction, and How I've Found Healing from my Parents' Divorce
10 minute read
This story was written by Sara Meyer at 26 years old. Her parents began separating when she was 14 and eventually divorced years later. She gave permission for her story to be shared.
HER STORY
I grew up in a Catholic family and I thought my parents were a loving couple when I was young. But there were big problems that I didn’t know about, problems that had started before I was born. And the problems centered on my dad. My dad was always moody and I knew I couldn't count on him to be compassionate when I was sick or hurt or feeling sad, but I thought that was just how men were and I didn't expect anything else.
When I was young I thought my dad loved me and my sisters and my mom, and I was convinced that I would never have to face the heartache of being a divorced kid. But when I was fourteen, my world fell apart overnight and life became a nightmare, a nightmare that lasted over ten years. My mom and dad suddenly started fighting, and my oldest two sisters and brother-in-law were also involved.
It quickly became a whole family division. The focus of the arguments was on religion after my dad and oldest siblings left the Catholic Church but my mom and my sister closest in age stayed. But the problem was much deeper than that and after many years I realized that the base problem was that my dad was a toxic man, a narcissist and that no matter what my mom did, she would never be good enough for him.
My teen years were very hard, my dad slowly became more and more unkind and finally became very psychologically and verbally abusive and when I was 19 I saw the first of his rage episodes. I walked in on him screaming insults and horrible things at my mom and when I tried to approach him and help him see the truth of who my mom was and tried to be loving and patient with him, he shut me down roughly and refused to listen.
I had never been so hurt and angry in my life. This continued for years and many problems arose that had been hidden for a long time, dark things started to come out of my dad's past that made me realize I had never really known him. For many years my parents didn't sleep together. People blamed my mom but it was never her fault. Finally, my dad became threatening and we felt very unsafe in our home and when I was 22 he moved out and about a year later he divorced my mom
HOW THE DIVORCE MADE HER FEEL
In my experience, my parents’ separation started many years before the divorce and it was a gradual and very painful process. There were a few times throughout the years that I dared to hope that my dad would change and become loving to my mom and that the marriage would be saved but I eventually realized that hope was futile.
He was very rejecting and cold toward her and toward me as well. He called my mom "it" and a "thing" and treated her like an object. At these times I felt very angry at him, sometimes I felt very angry at myself for reasons I couldn't even explain. I felt like it was all my fault. Sometimes I felt very afraid and sometimes very grieved but always there was a deep heartsick feeling that nothing could comfort.
On the night before my dad left, I was very scared, I felt very alone and felt like life was ending and when I watched him walk away the next day, it felt like he had cut out part of my heart and taken it with him and like I would never be whole again, and it still feels that way in some ways. Before I understood about my dad's abuse I sometimes got mad at my mom because it sounded like she was talking bad about him. But I came to realize that she was only telling me the hard truth about him because she loves me and was trying to protect me from being sucked into his lies and his abuse.
HOW HER PARENTS' DIVORCE HAS IMPACTED HER
I don't know how to trust men, I ache to be happily married and have a family of my own but it doesn't feel at all safe or possible. After my dad left and after I found out things about him that were very horrible, things he had done sometime before I was born, I felt like half of me had died, nothing made sense anymore and to escape from the intense pain, anxiety, and self-hate, I started excessively picking my skin and making myself bleed which eventually turned into an addiction to cutting.
I had never ever thought that I would fall into self-harm, but I had never thought I would be a divorced kid or have a broken family and when that happened I didn't know how to cope. I began hating myself and my addiction made it worse. I had constant nightmares, was often depressed, very anxious, and afraid of my own shadow.
I lived in a constant sense of gloom and lost many friends because they said they "couldn't handle my emotions and my depression." I began to feel like a burden to everyone and there were times that I didn't want to live. One thing that I had to do to even begin the slow process of healing was to learn the real truth about my dad which I did after finding and reading an incredible book called Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas. This book perfectly explained the type of personality my dad was and the type of abuse that we had suffered from him; psychological abuse.
It was a very hard read because it hit so hard on my heart but it was a lifesaver and I started to stand up straight and look the truth in the face after reading it. I also had to write a letter to my dad expressing all of my hurt and when he replied and denied everything he had done, I knew I had to cut ties and not have him in my life. Only when the break had been made, could I heal.
But still, I struggled for years and I attempted counseling but had a counselor in college who did not understand how to help me and ended up making me feel worse about myself. I felt like so few people understood what I was going through and no one seemed to have the ability to help me make sense of the turmoil I was going through.
Then I found an amazing woman when I saw her on the EWTN channel, Sarah Swafford. She spoke to so much of what I was going through and after a few years of listening to her talks, my dream came true and I got to meet her and through her, I found my current incredible counselor who has been helping me heal for over a year and a half now and helping me sort through over ten years of emotional pain and abuse.
Currently, I can finally say, though life is still hard and some days I feel like a failure, I am healing, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and my life is gaining a sense of peace and happiness that I have never known before. I still struggle to trust men, I still struggle with my addiction at times, I still have emotional triggers from my dad and my past in general, but I find myself laughing and smiling more often than before, my life is becoming brighter and the dark clouds leave quicker when they roll across my sky.
But there is part of my heart that will never be complete again. My dad's abuse and the divorce cut out part of me that will never come back. That is a sad fact of being a kid of divorced parents. You can and will heal, but you will never be the same again.
ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED
Know that even when you feel like you are the only one left in the world, the only one who has the pain you have, you are NEVER alone. There are others out there who understand your pain and will lovingly help you carry your burdens and when you find those people, hold onto them tight and let them hold you up when you are drowning.
Know that those loving people are out there but that most people will not understand and when they tell you things that are hurtful, know it is not YOUR fault. Fight the urge to internalize any blame that is thrown at you and know that your parents’ divorce is NEVER your fault. If you have a story like mine and feel that one parent has been the cause of the divorce and the other is not, know that some people will hurt you deeply by insisting that both parents were at blame.
I find it very offensive and deeply hurtful when someone insists that both people in a divorce are always to blame and that if you say that only one parent was the cause of the division, they will accuse you of "taking sides." I had a member of my family tell me that I was being blind and judgemental against my dad by claiming that his toxic behavior was the cause of ruining the marriage and that my mom did nothing to destroy it. This person caused me extreme grief and horrible self-doubt by telling me that the divorce was as much my mom's fault and as much MY fault as my dad's.
Yes, all humans make mistakes and need to do everything they can to heal any hurt they caused others, but I cannot agree that every divorce is caused by both people, not every person is toxic or at fault for a broken marriage. If you feel rejected by one or both parents specifically, try to find a mom or dad figure in a dear older friend, someone who can be there for you to help fill the holes. I have a dear uncle who is a dad to me.
Also, know that you are loved by God, even when you feel no one can love you. Know that there will be a hole in the world that no one else can fill if you choose to leave it. Know that if you hang in there long enough, life will show you reasons to live. I know all this advice is very hard to follow and believe me, I have struggled with it all and still do. But I have to believe that the fight is worth it and I do. To all those hurting from the pains of divorce, I believe in you, I am sending you prayers and know you ARE worth it!
HOW TO HELP YOUNG PEOPLE FROM DIVORCED AND SEPARATED FAMILIES
Kids of divorced parents NEED to be validated. They should have more books, talks, shows, and other resources to help them with the effects they suffer from the death of their parents’ marriage. More counselors need to be trained specifically on this topic. Maybe even prayer groups could be formed for teens and adults of divorced parents so they can gain in-person support.
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