#119: Broken is What Happened to Me, Not Who I Am | Stacey
After her parents divorced, my guest felt abandoned and badly hoped it was all a dream that she could just wake up from. Dealing with all the brokenness that followed led her down a path of feeling stuck and thinking her brokenness defined her.
Thankfully, she realized that “‘broken’ is what happened to me, not who I am.” In this episode, we touch on that and more:
How just having the pain of your parents’ divorce validated is incredibly helpful and often the first step of healing
The many emotional problems she’s had to battle, including anxiety, depression, anger, self-hate, control, and loneliness
The tendency in people like us to allow fear to hold us back and cause us to play it safe, but how healing can free us from fear
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
After her parents divorced, Stacey felt abandoned and really hoped it was all just a bad dream that she could wake up from. And dealing with all the brokenness that followed from that led her to feeling really stuck and like her brokenness defined her. But thankfully, she realized that broken is what happened to me, not Who I am.
And so in this episode, we discuss all of that and more like how just having the pain of your parents divorce or your broken family validated by someone else is incredibly helpful. And often the first step of healing. She shares really vulnerably the many emotional problems that she's had to battle with over the years connected to.
The breakdown of her family and her parents, uh, divorce. She shares things like anxiety, depression, anger, loneliness, self hate, and even a tendency toward control. We also touch on how healing hurts, but we need to act in order to heal despite the pain. The pain, we also discussed the tendency in people like us from broken families to allow fear to control us and hold us back.
And really that causes us to play it safe in life, but how healing can free us from that fear. And we also offer some advice like how getting outside of yourself and loving other people can actually be incredibly. Healing. So stay with us. Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents divorce, separation, or broken marriage.
So you can break the cycle. I'm your host, Joey Panarelli. This is episode 119.
As I often say, we're so happy that so many of you have found this podcast helpful and even healing. We've heard tons of great feedback from you. One listener said this, she said, The podcast has helped me to not feel crazy for feeling certain ways and situations and relationships. It has helped me to realize why I am the way I am and learn about myself through that.
It has helped me face up to certain realities about my past, and it is just nice to hear the nuanced explanations about rare cases when divorce is necessary, like for the family safety that happened in my own family. Thank you again. Again, we're so happy to hear it's been helpful and even healing. We do it for you.
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com, or you can click on the link in the show notes. My guest today is Stacy. Stacy is a wife of almost 25 years and the mom of three young adult children, one of whom will be married this year. As a child of divorce herself, she has a tender heart for children and teens suffering from the effects of their parents.
divorce. Stacey and her husband, Jamie, spent 19 years on their parish, uh, pre Cana marriage prep team where they gave their testimony and shared the beauty of living out God's plan for marriage and sexuality. Her experience as a latch key kid greatly influenced her decision, uh, to stay home with her children, whom she homeschooled for 10 years.
And when Stacey heard of restored and heard of this podcast, she thought I could have used that as a kid. And so she hopes that sharing her story will help others on their journey toward restoration. In this episode, we do talk about God and faith. And if you don't believe in God, I'm so glad you're here.
This is not a strictly religious podcast. Anyone who's been listening for a while knows that. And so wherever you're at, again, I'm glad you're here. My challenge to you is this. Just listen with an open mind. Even if you were to skip or take out the God parts, you're still going to learn a lot. And this episode is going to help you, I promise.
With that, here's my conversation with Stacy. Stacy, welcome to the show. Hi, Joey. Good to be here. I'm excited to speak with you and really appreciate you. Yeah, sticking your neck out the hair and being willing to, you know, come on and help the younger people to just navigate all the brokenness in their families.
And I know like me, you, you know, come from a broken family as well. And so I'm curious, how old were you when your parents separated and divorced and to whatever degree you're comfortable sharing? What happened? Um, I was 10 when they separated. Um, and it was presented as, you know, we're getting separated, but, you know.
When you hear that as a kid, you're like, uh, that means divorce, you know? Um, initially there was, you know, I could tell there was tension between my parents. There was some fighting going on. Um, at some point my mom kind of like moved into my bedroom and I was moved into my sister's bedroom. And, um, eventually I actually overheard her telling my grandmother.
I was, like, on the stairs near our kitchen, and she was in the kitchen, and I overheard her telling my grandmother that they were getting separated. And then eventually she told me. Um, herself. Um, so yeah, so that's how I found out. And it was pretty traumatic. I can imagine. And was this something that kind of, even though you saw the problems within the marriage, was it kind of out of the blue that they were separate and getting divorced?
Or did you kind of predict that that was coming? You know, I don't recall feeling like that was going to happen. Like I knew that things weren't good, but I. I don't know. I don't know if a little, as a little kid, you like fathom that. And you know, I'm a little older, I think than you're most of the people that you talk to.
So this was back in the early eighties when there aren't weren't as many divorced families, um, as there are now. So I didn't know that many kids. I don't know how, I don't even know if I knew any kids whose parents were divorced. Um, so it just, yeah, probably wasn't as much on my radar than maybe it would be for someone today.
Yeah, no, that totally makes sense. It's definitely become somewhat normalized even though it's still, it's kind of this weird thing where we, yeah, divorce is kind of this normal part of life, but we don't really talk about it in the sense of how it is impactful and harmful for the kids. Yeah. And so, yeah, I totally know what you're saying, but is that that extra like stigma that you had to fight through?
I'm sure it was not an easy thing to go through. Yeah. I mean, I remember feeling so ashamed. Um, like going to school knowing so we had My mom was the one we moved out. Um, so, um, my dad stayed in the house for a little while. We moved out, which meant we had to actually move to a, um, new school. And, um, we were only about 15 minutes from where we were, but it was.
You know, far enough that it was a new school. So I had to go to school and I had to tell people that I was leaving and I was so ashamed to tell them that it was because my parents were getting divorced. And, um, so yeah, there was like this stigma there. And, um, I remember I had this wonderful teacher. I was in fifth grade and I told her and she, she actually, Bought me lunch and like sat with me and, you know, talk to me and stuff.
Um, tried to make me feel better in whatever way she could make me feel better. No, that totally makes sense. And wow, that's impressive that that teacher would do that. I, the response that we've heard a lot of times, there was one young woman who came on the podcast and she said that she told her teachers, she told her friends and everyone kind of knew also, cause it was a little bit of a public separation, she said, and everyone acted like it wasn't a big deal.
Everyone acted like it was kind of like a normal part of life kind of like, okay, you know, whatever move on with it And I remember she said she felt so hurt by that because who she was like wait Why am I struggling so much with this if everyone says this is for the best? This is everyone's gonna be happier and I'm so hurt by it.
Maybe something's wrong with me And I think that's a very common response So it's awesome you had a teacher at least who tried to acknowledge that yeah, man This is a difficult thing to go through. Well, I mean You Generally speaking, she was the anomaly. Like generally speaking, that's. That's how it was for me as well.
It was kind of like, oh, you know, kids are resilient, they'll, they'll be okay. Like there's, there seems to be this unwillingness, um, by the adults to acknowledge that divorce is harmful to children, even people who I can understand that with people who actually get divorced because. You know, they're probably trying to make themselves feel a little bit better about it.
Um, but like people who haven't been through divorce, even in our culture, it just seems to be, yeah, just a lack of acknowledgement of the effects that it can have on, on kids and, and this desire to, to minimize it. And honestly, I, that happened to me all through my teen years, even my young adult years, even into my thirties.
Um, I did have. You know, a couple of people along the way who noticed my brokenness, but there was still this unwillingness until I was probably in my thirties. I had a, a therapist who finally said to me like, Oh no, like that's, that's your big thing. Like that's where everything else comes from. That the divorce of your parents was.
huge in your life. And I felt like validated finally for like the first time in my life because I had like an adult saying to me, yeah, that really messed you up. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. No, that sounds super impactful. And I totally know what you mean. In fact, we've heard a lot of feedback from even this podcast alone about how validating and helpful it is because of that alone.
It's like, just someone's like putting into words in a way, you know, what They went through as like really harmful and damaging. And I, like, I've even had people reach out in like their 60s who say what you just said, and even just to us saying like, I've never heard anyone put language to this problem the way that you and your guests are doing.
And it's very helpful. It's validating like you said. And so, of course, the goal, I know you and I would agree on this, like, the goal is to help us to kind of, you know, learn how to best navigate this and to move on in life. We don't want to stay stuck in the past, but in a sense, like we need to grieve that we need to.
Just, yeah, like you said, like just someone to validate the heaviness of it and the fact that it's like really impactful, um, in order to be able to, to move forward in life. Absolutely. And, you know, I feel like if we can do that, like it's, it's hard, it's going to be hard, but like, if you can have that step one, then you can take step two, you know, like, I feel like if, if people are constantly telling you or ignoring your pain or telling you, you know, It wasn't that big a deal or you're telling yourself because I used to tell myself that too.
Like, you know, I would hear somebody else's story and I would say, Oh, thankfully my parents divorce wasn't that bad, you know, and sort of minimizing it even to myself. Um, and the reality is that everyone is different. Also, we all, Like I was a very sensitive. I'm a very sensitive person. Like, I guess I would be considered a highly sensitive person, but I was like that, you know, from the time I was a child, um, people labeled me sensitive, shy, that kind of thing.
So like, take someone like me who has such a sensitive personality. Heart and soul and have what happened, which was not like there was no abuse. There was no, um, infidelity. There was, it was just a marriage that just. Failed, you know, and so I didn't have all these like extreme trauma situations in that, but it's still really traumatized me because of how I made, you know, and, and what I needed as a kid, I needed that security.
No, that makes so much sense. Thanks for sharing that. The definition of trauma that we learned from a therapist that we partner with is that trauma is anything that overwhelms your natural ability to cope. And so you're right. And some scenarios, maybe people through training or through some sort of, you know, natural ability, have the ability to kind of cope with more difficult things or things that are more challenging.
Another person might not be able to, but honestly, since what I've seen is like divorce is almost always traumatic. I'm tempted to say it is always traumatic from the data I've seen in the Hundreds of stories I've heard if not more, um, but it is, it is in itself traumatic regardless of what led up to it, which can also be traumatic too, right?
I was curious, you know, following the divorce and everything that happened in the family, how did you see that impact you? Well, being sensitive the way that I am, um, and also being shy and kind of like socially anxious just as a kid be prior to all of this, you know, um, um, One of the things that happened is my mom went to work full time and so we were left home alone a lot.
I had an eight year old sister so I was kind of in charge of her after school. I developed a lot of anger at being, having to be so responsible and also a lot of fears of, because I was alone a lot and I felt um, like abandoned. I used to go to bed at night and just pray that I would wake up in the morning and it would all have been a dream.
And I started to cope in very unhealthy ways. A lot of my friendships were very unhealthy. I would gravitated towards people who were broken and they sort of helped break me even more. Uh, I had unhealthy relationships with. Boys and men gravitated towards people who were broken, who broke me even more.
And, you know, just a lot of self destructive kind of behaviors, like as I got older, like the older I got in my teenage years and my, you know, like early, like college years, I would say I got the more self destructive I got. And I did a lot of coping with, alcohol and things like that to try to numb, to try to, you know, with the social anxiety, it was like trying to mitigate that.
But also just the, I think I just developed this like deep self loathing because I just did not feel loved or lovable anymore. And then, you know, the more that you do that self destructive, the worse it gets, the more the self loathing gets because you go, why am I doing these things? Why is this happening?
And then, you know, you have people in your life who are treating you poorly or leading you down these bad pathways to all these other things. So, um, I think that's, you know, that all stems from the, the lack of security, like the destruction of security that I had and the loneliness. I was deeply lonely. I still struggle with loneliness.
In my life just internally, um, even though I'm surrounded by amazing people who, who love me, you know, there's just, you know, it's a wound. It's a wound that still exists that I have to, you know, continue to work on. Sure. Wow. No, thank you for sharing. And, and there's so much I want to say. I, um, Yeah, I can relate with the loneliness, certainly, and feeling abandoned and, you know, wishing it was a dream, like, that's a definitely a moving way to put it.
It makes so much sense, like, what we've seen a lot of times is if we, you know, are traumatized by the breakdown of our family, by our parents of worse, we tend to, you know, like you said, go towards unhealthy people and behaviors. And then, like you said so well, those situations can traumatize us further, and then we go into further.
Unhealthy toward unhealthy people and behaviors and it's just this whole like circle the cycle that repeats itself again and again To where I mean i've talked with people who are just at the point of like giving up They're like I i'm so sick and tired of this. I my life is just miserable. I feel stuck I'm, just in a really rough spot.
And so Definitely hear you there and excited to hear the happier part of the story, but man, how heavy and how difficult and yeah, I'm curious to, you know, in your relationships, how that played out as well. Like, what, what, um, did you see in terms of your dating relationships and even your marriage already touched on the relationships a little bit, but I'm curious further of like, how did the breakdown of your family, your parents, divorce impact your relationships?
Yeah. So I'm sure you experienced like a feeling of powerlessness. Um, and so. The way I coped with that is I became controlling. And so, um, and that is something to this day. I, I really struggle with, I'm a lot better than I used to be. And I, but I'm also very much aware of it. So I ha I work on it. I'm working on it constantly, but you know, so, so there was that, then I also felt voiceless.
So I have a tendency to be Reactionary. So like if something happens and I'm not happy about it, you're going to hear it. You're going to know about it because I'm not going to be. I'm not going to be voiceless, you know, um, so, you know, in my marriage that, that has played out and it's, it's something that we've had to work on.
Um, you know, my husband is an, an amazing man and very, very patient. Um, he's also got his own wounds and, you know, in marriage, your wounds kind of usually butt up against your spouse's wounds and then you have to try to figure out how to, how to work that all out. Um, and. We have worked really hard at that.
So, um, but one of the ways that especially played out in my marriage, that was my, my husband owns a business. And when we got married, it was probably the most intense, intensely difficult time in there. Um, it really was, it was really difficult, um, for me at that time and. Because of the anxiety and, and the depression that I suffered with, I felt like, I feel like I couldn't really love my kids the way that they deserve to be loved.
You know, I, I regret that and I, I still have to try to ask God to heal that part. Um, I mean, I, I did what I, Needed to do I wasn't neglectful but like just there wasn't there was an internal part of me that just couldn't give you know everything that I would have liked to have given to them when they were kids and I also parented kind of out of.
Rather than abundance. So like I was fearful of things happening to them and I was, I didn't, I don't think I was able to give them the freedom that they should have had as kids to really be kids, you know, because I was too afraid all the time that something terrible was going to happen to them. So. Yeah, those are pretty intense ways that it affected me, but there is good news.
Yeah, no, I appreciate you just sharing so vulnerably. And I know I can relate to so much of your story and I know our listeners can too. And yeah, no, I've noticed that in my own life, it seems like. Our, yeah, our brokenness just holds us back in so many ways, like one of the ways in which I know it's held me back is I'm definitely I'm going to avoid an attachment type where I tend to like love at arm's length.
And I try to work through that, but like, yeah, there's times where I'm just really bad. Like, I'll just be honest with everyone. And so like, I need to kind of bring myself back to the point of like, okay, I'm not self sufficient. I need other people and I need to like love them and, you know, put my heart out there and be vulnerable and not just like, you know, try to put a shield around myself and my heart.
But, you know, especially when people hurt you, it can, it's a really easy reaction to, to go towards. But, you know, so that holds you back in the sense of, you know, you're not going to experience the joy, the intimacy, the love, the happiness that I think we're made for. And so, you know, and other things I've heard from people like us who come from divorced, broken families is, you know, there's so much fear, like, I think that's one theme we've seen so clearly among all these interviews we've done is like, there's just so much fear that we grapple with, not to say that other people don't, but it seems like there, there's like a certain intensity or we feel maybe a certain lack of competence or ability to like navigate through that fear.
Or maybe we just, you know, feel it. Like I said, more strongly, and that just holds us back. Like, I know a lot of older people I've talked to come from, you know, uh, broken families, like, especially maybe in there in like sixties or beyond, they have regrets of like, man, I never took that risk. I never started that business.
I never like pursued that, you know, person, that girl, that guy. And, um, and I, we've definitely seen that theme. So yeah, just curious if you have any thoughts on kind of that whole theme of like being held back and fear being having such a strong grip on so many of us. Oh my gosh. Yes. And, and. You know, I think it's because we have this deep sense of what loss feels like.
And so, you know, we don't want to lose anymore. You know, we don't want to have, we don't want to have that feeling of loss. And so we hold on to what we have and we don't take the risks that could cause the losses. And, you know, for some people, for me, it didn't manifest this way, but for some people, it means I'm never getting married.
Because I, because I can't risk that, that I'm going to do the same thing that my parents did or whatever, um, you know, it manifests in different people in different ways. And it absolutely has manifested that way in my life. And I'm, I'm just now getting to the point where I'm starting to take more risks and, and realizing, like, I have to surrender.
I have to surrender this control that I've I It's really an illusion. It's not, you know, you're not, we're not in control of anything. You know, we, we're trying to control things. We're not, we're not in control of anything. So like, what's the point? No, it's so true. I even think of that on like the career side, like when I've, you know, making the shift to doing this full time, I was like really afraid of losing, losing like a stable job and all of that.
And then, you know, as you're married an entrepreneur, some of you guys are immune to this, but, you It's, uh, yeah, no, it was just like, so fearful. And then it was so funny once I made at least the partial shift, I'm actually in the process now of making the full shift. I was like, Oh, that's it. Like, all right, I could do this.
Like I can make it through. So, and I think that's a good part to add here, perhaps it's like that, like you said, those fears can often be just this illusion. And the desire to control can just be the solution. Then when we look at it, it's like, you know, like using the career example, it's like, okay, there are certainly like stable, like jobs and businesses out there that are, you know, can add a level of stability to that.
Maybe going on your own would be really hard to achieve, at least in the short term. But at the end of the day, it's like, I mean, what we saw through COVID and everything, it's like, things can change very quickly. And what you thought was one stable, like becomes Pretty darn unstable. And so I think there's, it kind of forces you to like surrender.
Um, especially like in your relationship with God, it's like, man, I really don't control this stuff. Like you said so well, it's, it really is an illusion. And I think that's where I've personally found a lot of peace in life. It's like, God's going to put things on my plate. He wants me to do well with them, but then beyond like the things that are within my control, even then I have to surrender, you know, everything, including that stuff to Him.
And that That, that's definitely helped me because I struggle. I've struggled with anxiety too. And at times I could get, you know, more intense than others. But, um, yeah, that surrender certainly played a huge role because you're right. It's nothing's fully stable. Sadly, I want to shift to kind of the happier part of the story and just, you know, kind of the transformation.
And so I'm curious, what were some of the things that helped you to, to cope and healthy ways and to heal? I think I would say first, My relationship with my husband, you know, I met him, we were in college and I was pretty broken at that time. He was a little broken himself and God just brought us together at that particular time.
And he was, came from a Catholic family. I came from a family where I was baptized and, and I made my first penance and my first Holy communion. Um, but then my parents split up and we were sort of like, Nominal Catholics anyway, um, so I never made my confirmation and I didn't even know when I met my husband, I didn't even know if I believed in God at that point because I thought, you know, it's all this terrible things have happened to me.
Like, how could there be a God, you know, that's where I was. Um, so anyway, when I met him, he sort of his influence on me. Was really like the starting point of my healing journey, which continues to this day because he Eventually kind of had like a reversion and and really started getting serious about his faith And he kind of brought me along with him and it was sort of like you're either coming along with me or we're breaking up you know like I You know, I love you, but I, I have to be married to someone who's Catholic and I have to be, you know, in the same universe there.
So, um, I am a truth seeker and I always have been. So I just started looking into things and they just started bringing true to me. And so I made my confirmation as a, I was almost 25 when I made my confirmation. So that was, that was like probably the initial thing. But then, um, You know, there was periods of time when I needed therapy and I already spoke of the one therapist, this was a Catholic therapist.
if anyone's, you know, if you're Catholic or Christian, I really recommend a Catholic or Christian therapist who really will speak the same language as you and who, who sees marriage in the same light, you know, cause like for me to go to a secular therapist who maybe would think divorce is okay, that that wasn't going to be helpful for me.
Um, so to have that therapist say, like, Yeah, that was your that's your like your primal wound that also was very healing and it set me on a path of healing. You know, having, having different thoughts about what happened. And then I, more than the therapy, at least having like the life of the church, the life of the church, the sacraments, the community, um, just being in community with people.
We were involved in charismatic prayer for a while. That was extremely healing. Um, because I learned more about. God and his love and what he wanted to do for us. And I developed a community of people in our parish and also through homeschooling. We homeschooled for 10 years and that got me involved in some Bible studies.
And I developed these friendships that were very vulnerable. And that has been one of the biggest ways that I've healed is through these relationships with people who are also willing to be vulnerable about. their stories, people who will pray with me. Um, we pray for each other. And, um, so those, those have been extremely healing.
I've also been blessed to be introduced to deliverance prayer. And for those who don't know, deliverance prayer is really just Identifying where the enemy, the devil has gained access to you through your wounds and whispered lies into your life and over you and, and who has, you know, and where you've kind of agreed with them.
Like, so, for example, like, I'm unlovable is a lie and that comes from, um, My parents must not have loved me enough to stay together. So, like, that's a lie. And then you agree with that lie, and you go, That must be true. And then you start operating out of that lie. Like, I actually am unlovable. Which is false.
So, Deliverance Prayer is really, like, renouncing those lies and saying, You know, in the name of Jesus, I renounced that lie. And, um, that was extremely helpful for me to go through all the lies and the vows and the curses and all the things that have, like, piled on through the years. Yeah, no, so good. I want you to continue, but I, um Just wanted to comment on like that, the intimacy portion.
I mean, all everything you said is so good, but the, the way that I've understood it, like listening to dr. Bob shoots, for example, um, I forget who he quotes when he says this, but he was saying like at the root of every wound is a deprivation or a distortion of love. And so it like naturally follows that to.
To heal those wounds, we need authentic love, you know, in, in various forms, right? You talked about your relationship with God, you talked about your relationship with your husband, other people, like, it makes sense that like authentic love would be so healing and beautiful. And that's one of the principles we preach to is, you know, healing happens in relationship.
Like it can't happen elsewhere. Like we can't really, yeah. Listening to a podcast, reading a book, doing getting the content is good. It's like one of the steps in this whole process. But eventually you have to go beyond that. And so it sounds, you know, like that was extremely helpful and fruitful for you, which is beautiful, but I'm curious.
Yeah. Anything else to add in terms of what helped you to heal? Yeah. I mean, The way to heal feeling unlovable is to allow people to love you. And I have so many people who love me and I feel incredibly blessed because of that. Like, sometimes it brings me just to tears that the, the number of people who God has brought into my life to love me and, and then give me the opportunity to love back.
It is that relationship. Relationship is one of the biggest ways to healing has been for me. So good. No, I love it. And one of the things I just learned from you too, is that like the, the answer to insecurities is evidence in the sense that like, we need to be shown and told and very like concrete ways that like, no, like you said, believe in that lie that I'm unlovable.
We need evidence to say that, no, that's actually not true. Because one of the things I've seen in like the whole self, self help, you know, personal development world is like, they'll tell you to like, talk to a mirror, write down in your journal, like these things that you, you know. believe that are true about you.
But if there's no evidence to back it up, like you can't point to some other person or situation, like God being one of them, or, you know, your relationships, then I think it just is empty. We're saying things that maybe, you know, they might be true in the end, but if we don't have like any evidence to back them up with, and I think it can be tricky and problematic and we end up doubting it.
But when you have that clear evidence, like again, people in your life where you like telling you these things are showing you through their actions, then I think it's way more convincing. Um, you know, we're always at work in progress. We talk about healing as like this infinite goal of like, you know, we're always becoming like better, stronger, more virtuous, more whole, more healthy, healthier.
Um, but I'm curious, kind of the transformation that you've seen from that younger you to where you are now, like contrast that a little bit for us. Like what's different now? Yeah. I mean, I definitely, I feel like healing comes in layers and it comes in seasons and it comes, um, sometimes it comes all at once in a flurry, sometimes it's super slow and I've experienced all those things in my life and I feel like I may, while I still struggle with anxiety, I still struggle with depression, I am much more able to surrender.
And when I'm experiencing those things to go to God and just say, God, I just, I can't do this. I need you to do this for me. One of the things that has helped me a lot is adoration and just really just going in front of the blessed sacrament and just. Just laying it all out, you know, and just saying, God, I, I can't, I can't.
There was a period of time five or six years ago where I was in the Adoration Chapel almost every day because I needed to be there with Jesus. And it helped me tremendously. But I also now can look back and say, that was a very, very healing time because I was so stripped down and I was so vulnerable that he really worked.
A lot. And really it set the stage for where I am today, the certain risks that I'm now taking in certain areas where God is saying like, go here, do this, you know, and I also am able, I feel like I'm much more self aware. I know what my triggers are. I know what my wounds are and I'm, I'm starting to be able to operate outside of my wounds instead of in them all the time, you know, there's a period of time in my life where I was just everything I did was just out of my wounds, you know, like every reaction I had every step I took was all out of my wounds.
And now I feel like. I can sort of step back and, and see the wounds and they're there and I feel them still, but they're not ruling me constantly, you know, and I think I, I've developed a compassion for the younger me, you know, I hated the younger me for the longest time for being so dumb and getting involved in all these things that were hurtful and for being, you know, in my mind, weak and, you know, all these different things that, you know, The self loathing and stuff like now i think i have more compassion for my younger self i think it's why i can have i have a lot of compassion for people who are going through kids who are going through what what i went through and i also feel like i'm growing a lot in trust and surrender and trying to grow in humility i feel like i think when you have these kinds of wounds you're it can be real um, Pitfall for, for pride to like really jump in because you have this sense of justice and this feeling of like, I have to protect myself.
And so like everything becomes about you and what you you're getting out of things and, and how you're not going to get hurt and you're not going to let this happen and all that. And I think that can be, it can cause a lot of pride in our lives. The pride thing is so interesting. I've never heard it said exactly like that, but it makes so much sense that we, yeah.
Cause like, I guess the essence of pride is kind of like continue looking in on yourself, you know, continue looking, being kind of self absorbed self. And sometimes, you know, There is that kind of survival, survival, survivor instinct that we do that when we're wounded, right? We kind of just, if we're in pain, we need to take care of the pain and the wound.
But it is really interesting. And I think that is a, such a pivotal part of healing is kind of going outside of yourself, going beyond yourself. And I found that helpful too. I've mentioned in other podcasts just, yeah, the advice, you know, I've gotten from mentors where it's like, okay, I know you're hurting, I know you're, And you need to heal that.
But one of the things that can be so helpful is just kind of looking beyond your own pain and finding people in your life who you can love and you can help. And again, not as an escape from dealing with their own stuff, because I think it can be used that way, but really as a way of like, okay, there's other people in the world who are suffering too.
And I've, that's just been helpful for me, but yeah, just that whole idea of humility of like not putting yourself down. Like CS Lewis said, I said this not long ago in an episode, it's like, you're not thinking. Less of yourself, just thinking of yourself less. Yes. I totally agree with that. I, yes, I feel like in order to heal, um, you do have to get outside of yourself because we, we tend to go.
Inside, we tend to, you know, think about constantly what happened to us or what went wrong or whatever. And I think in any situation, and I'm just talking about divorce, anything, anytime you have someone who's experienced trauma, I feel like part of the healing is. Getting outside of yourself outside of your own mind and helping other people.
And, you know, at some point I, um, I don't know where if I came across this or if it was given to me just in like revelation, but I got this, um, word that was given to me. You don't need to be healed in order to do you need to do in order to be healed and that has really been beautiful that has been sort of a quote that has played in my mind over and over over the last few years as I've experienced really a much deeper healing period and.
you know, I felt like God has really called me out of myself in the last few years and, and said like, no, you need to start doing like, I know you don't feel totally equipped and I know you don't feel totally ready. And I know that you still have these issues that you deal with, but you need to start doing, and that's where the healing is going to come.
And as I've done things, yes, that is, that has been true. And so then that reinforces to me, like, okay, God's got me. He His word is true. What he's saying to me is true when I pray and I get these. You know words from him like it's it's true and I have to I have to listen Beautiful. Well, I love that and I I was thinking of just like kind of the physical form of what you just said of like You know Don't wait to heal to do like do and then you'll be healed through that and I was thinking of a surgery I got while while back and I remember the doctors telling me like, okay, it's gonna be painful And this is counterintuitive, but you need to like move a lot.
You need to walk a lot in order to get blood flow to the wound in order for it to heal. And it was, it was, it was painful to do that. But as I did it, the wound healed and I got better. And now I have, you know, full function of that part of my body. And so, um, it would have been really easy though, kind of to your point to think, well, I'll start walking and moving when I feel healed, but it's like, no, no, no.
It's like through the walking, the moving, Then you feel healed. So I thought that was really interesting that there's like a physical truth there too. Yeah. I mean, I experienced that similarly last year. I broke my foot and I was on crutches for like eight weeks and in a boot for another eight weeks. And by the time it was all over, it hurt to walk.
And you know, so I had to go to physical therapy and they had to manipulate it and it hurt. And you know, I had to do these exercises, but now it's, you know, it's all better and it is going to hurt. Do I think a lot of people want to just like turtle up and I, I turtled up, you know, for a long time, I just curled up in a ball and didn't do anything.
And I think a lot of people want to let their wounds sit there and just let them, you know, heal, but they're not always going to heal. Sometimes they have to be scraped out, you know, and sometimes. I heard, I listened to this podcast sometimes called the place we find ourselves. And I remember, you know, that, yeah, great podcast.
Um, and he, I remember him talking about the healing of wounds and how, you know, you have to go down into the valley in order to get back up to the mountain top. You know, so and you have to go through it. There's no way around it if you want to get up to the top of that mountain, you have to go through that valley.
You can't go around it. And yeah, it's hard and it's painful, but it's so worth it. And it's so rewarding when you get to the top and you can say, Oh, my gosh, I did it. You know, I made it through that. And then you're you are stronger. You really are. Yeah. Stronger. Everything that I've gone through has made me a stronger person.
I love that. And then you're better able to love. And I think one of the things I've seen too, when it comes to just healing in the people's lives is that like, when you kind of walk through that, you, on the other side of maybe comfort of shut shelling up on the other side of like, you know, the brokenness is freedom, that there's a lot of freedom, but you said, you're right.
Like there's pain in the middle, which I think scares a lot of people. Cause we, we don't like pain obviously, but we don't know. Maybe if it'll, Will be worth it. We don't know if we're going to be able to get to the mountaintop. Um, and so I totally get that there's a lot of like doubts and insecurities there, but, but I've found, yeah, when you kind of work through that, you feel free and you truly find freedom, but it is painful to get there.
And I think too, there's definitely a trend right now. And I'm curious your thoughts on this and our world of just kind of falling into this like perpetual victim mode mentality, right? Where we. Yeah, just kind of blame everything and anyone around us for not being, you know, able to move forward in life.
And I'm not talking about like serious disabilities, things like that, but you know, I haven't even seen this in myself. It can be easy to blame even our parents, you know, and one of the ways that we talk about this, just to clarify anyone who's confused on this is like, we're not saying not to acknowledge the pain that someone caused, or even the fact that they like, they did that, they, they need to take ownership of that.
But the way we talk about it is like, even if you didn't cause the problem, you can take ownership of the solution. You don't need to let that define your life. You don't need to let that someone else write your own story. Like you can write your own story. And we're big believers in that. Um, so, but yeah, it's sad to see, especially, you know, in younger generations, um, you know, Just how like debilitating I think brokenness and wounds can be, like you said, where we just kind of shell up and just be like, well, this is what my life is going to be like now.
Can't really improve it. Get any better. Um, even if there was this kind of long shot, I could, it's not really worth it to go through it. So just curious on your thoughts on the whole victim mentality thing. I mean, I definitely had that mentality for a long time and it's really hard when you're feeling, you know, stuck to get out of that.
Honestly, like I, there were times when I wanted to give up or plenty of times when I wanted to give up, but then I, I looked around me and I thought, like, I would see my kids or I would see my husband and I would say, like, uh, they deserve me to be better. They deserve for me to be more whole and I deserve for me to be more whole.
Like, I don't have to be like this. I don't broken is what happened to me. It's not who I am. You know, like. I'm not Stacy, the broken woman, I'm Stacy, and I have some brokenness because of what happened to me. Like, I can't define myself by that. For so many years, I think I defined myself by my brokenness, by my wounds, by my things that I did that were shameful.
And, you know, I just, at some point, You have to make a decision. Like, this is your life. You only get one. You have to decide. Do you want to live stuck in your wounds and feeling sorry for yourself your whole life? Or do you want to try to climb out of that and live abundantly and joyfully? And does that mean you're not gonna suffer?
No. Like, we're all gonna suffer. I'm gonna suffer a lot more before I die. So are you. So is everybody else. But it doesn't mean that you're not going to have joy in your life and that it's, it's not worth it. It is worth it. It's, it's so worth it. Wow. So good. I have nothing to add. Like you said that so beautifully that thank you and shifting gears a little bit and coming to the close of our conversation.
I'm just curious if you were to sit down with your parents and talk to them about this, or maybe if they were, you know, happened to listen to this, what would you want them to know? Like, I mean, I'm very blessed because my parents. Got to a place where we actually like do holidays together and stuff, you know, and I'm also very blessed because my mom has had the humility to let me talk to her about how I was wounded and, and to sit there and, and listen and be open to that.
And it has been very healing for me, but also very healing for our relationship. And so. You know, I don't I'm not talking about this because I want to blame like you said, like, I don't blame my parents. I don't have animosity toward my parents. I love my parents. They're wonderful people. Um, I forgive them for, you know, the ways that they failed me.
I hope my kids. will forgive me someday for the ways that I failed them. I want to be able to help other people see that this is not the end of the road for them, you know, and that's why I want to talk about these things. And, you know, I feel like you have to talk about them. In order to, to bring them into the light, because you can't heal broken things if you, if they're in the darkness, you know, you have to bring all things to the light and I know people don't like to talk about these things, but you have to, I feel like with anything that's broken, it needs to be talked about in order for it to, to heal.
And also I'm, you know, in terms of my parents, like, everything that I went through. It was just, honestly, the other day I was in adoration and I was sitting there and I was just praying. And I thought, and all of a sudden this flood of like the tapestry of my life came to me and how God worked all the things that happened for good.
And all of the different people who have come into my life and all of the wonderful things that have happened to me and all that. It was, it was just an opening of my eyes to like, it's not all bad. It wasn't all bad and it's not going to be all bad. You know, there's so much good in your life and there's so much joy in your life and there's so much left still for you to do in your life.
And so, you know, I just want to, I want people to have hope that even if they're dealing with brokenness and pain, that they're not always going to be that way. And even if they have periods of Healing where they're feeling better, and then they kind of regress. It's okay, like, you're not gonna stay there.
You're gonna, you're gonna move forward again. Cause, you know, St. Teresa of Avila says, like, um, let nothing disturb you. All things are passing. You know, all things are passing. And God alone suffices. And, if you bring it to God, Then he will, weave it into a beautiful tapestry. No, I love all that. And I think there's even lessons for any parents listening right now, just how your mom was able to listen to you and, you know, perhaps she asked some questions and was able to kind of take ownership of her piece of it.
I think that's really, really big. And, uh, yeah, and then you both are able to, you know, you were able to get to a point of forgiving her, which is really, really beautiful. Um, so good. And I love that reminder too. I mean, there's so much in what you said, but one thing I wanted to point out too, is that when you kind of go on this path of trying to heal from brokenness, then we need to be ready to give ourselves some grace to along the way.
Like we can't expect. You know, like perfection in this process, because it's messy, it's not going to be perfect. And if you do expect that, which I know so many of us who come from broken families do kind of struggle with the control that we talked about before perfectionism. And, uh, if you do expect that, then it's going to be, yeah, just a really difficult process.
Much more difficult process for you. So I think just giving yourself grace, kind of how you might give grace to another person who you saw is like, man, they're going through a hard time. I think is, is really, really good. But then, like you said, also having that hope that like, there's so much good ahead of you that, That if you, you know, work at it and rely on God's grace, like you said, you can experience that.
Like, I firmly believe that. In closing, I just want to say thank you so much for coming on here. I know this is like, um, it's an act of bravery. I don't say that enough when people come on here to share their stories, because it's not an easy thing to do. So thank you. And I just wanted to give you the last word when it comes to, you know, what would you say to the younger you to that?
young woman who's listening right now, who maybe feels stuck in life. They feel broken. They're acting out in all these sorts of ways. Like, what would you want to say to them? I would say like, for me, I wish I had been, I wish I had been able to articulate to the adults in my life that how much I was hurting.
I wish I'd been able to articulate that to the adults in my life, um, how much I was hurting and like, you do have a voice and you can use your voice and you don't have to sit back and say like, I can't say anything because it'll hurt my mom's feelings or my dad will be upset. Or I don't really have a voice because this isn't my thing.
You know, like I just have to go along and not say anything. Like I would say it. And if you feel like you can't talk to your parents. Talk to a trusted person that you, you know, adult, a pastor, a family member, a friend, whoever it is, and, and know that how you're feeling is, is normal. Like, there's nothing abnormal about you.
There's nothing abnormal about how you're reacting to this. There's nothing abnormal about how you're feeling. And there's nothing wrong. You're not wrong. So, just understand that your, your feelings matter. That would be, that would be one thing. And then, another thing would be, if you're, especially if like you're a young adult and you're discerning marriage.
I would say if you can work through some of your divorce pain prior to getting married, whether that be alone or with your, um, future spouse or, you know, then I would highly recommend that because we do bring our baggage into our marriages with us and unaddressed wounds and pain can become real problems in relationships.
And if we don't have the awareness of. You know, our thought patterns and behaviors and stuff like that. It can be, it can be difficult to navigate once you're already married. So that, that would be a suggestion that I have. There's so much I loved about that interview. Stacy has really deep insights into healing and brokenness, and I'm really grateful that she joined us.
And if you'd like to share your story with us, like Stacy did, We'd love to hear it. You can do it in three simple steps. But first, some of the benefits of sharing your story, reflecting on your story in a really active way and sharing that story with someone who can receive it with empathy is actually healing on a neurobiological level.
According to a neurobiologist, it actually makes your brain healthier. Writing your story is also healing. There's been numerous studies that show that People who write about emotionally significant events in their life are happier, they're healthier, they're less depressed, less anxious, and so many other great benefits.
And also, sharing your story can be super helpful to someone who's maybe going through what you went through and who can learn some lessons from you. By reading your story. And so if you want to share your story, just go to restored ministry. com slash story. And on that page, you just fill out a form that tells a short version of your story.
And then we'll turn that into an anonymous blog article. Again, if you want to share your story, just go to restored ministry. com slash story, or just click on the link. And the show notes, if you come from a broken or divorced family, or maybe, you know, someone who does, we offer more resources than just this podcast.
Our resources include things like a book, free video courses, speaking engagements, a free assessment, online community, and so much more. And all of our resources are really designed to help you heal from the trauma you've endured and build virtue. So you can break the cycle and build a better life. And so if you want to view these resources for yourself or someone, you know, just go to restored.
mini. com.
That wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents, divorce or broken marriage, feel free to share this podcast with them. I promise you, they will be super grateful that you did. And in closing, always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life.
And CS Lewis who said, you can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.
