#118: Resolving Conflict is a Skill | Cody & Katherine
If you’re like me, you never saw conflict resolved peacefully in your family. As a result, you might feel a bit lost about how to resolve conflict in your life, especially in your relationships.
If that’s you, this episode will help. In it, a married couple joins to share tips they’ve learned on resolving conflict, plus:
Why it’s important to let small things go, but how letting too much go can lead to resentment
The four levels of learning any skill
Advice to someone from an intact family who’s dating, engaged, or even married to someone from a broken family
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
If you're like me, you probably never saw conflict handled very well in your family. And as a result, you might feel kind of unequipped and even lost when it comes to dealing with conflict in your own life, especially in your intimate relationships. And if that describes you, this episode is going to help you.
I'm joined by a married couple that shares some tips that they've learned and used. That helped them navigate conflict. Plus how not to let fear hold you back in relationships. We talk about the unspoken belief that so many of us from broken families believe that conflict leads to permanent separation.
A term that was coined by my friend, Layla Miller. We also hit on why it's so important within marriage to let the small things go. But if you let everything go, that will actually just lead to resentment towards your spouse. We Touch on the four levels or steps to learn any skill, including the skill of conflict resolution.
And finally, they share some advice to someone from an intact family who's maybe dating engaged or married to someone who comes from a broken family. Stay with us.
Welcome to the restored podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents, divorce, separation, or broken marriage. So you can break the cycle. I'm your host, Joey Panarelli. This is episode 100. Eighteen. We're so thrilled that so many of you have found the podcast helpful and even healing.
We've heard so much great feedback. One listener said this. I recommended your podcast to a friend. A week later, she came back and said, this is my new favorite podcast. Thanks for the work you do. Again, we're so happy to hear that it's been helpful and even healing. We do it for you. Today's episode is sponsored by Dakota Lane Fitness.
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And so if you want to see what Dakota offers and the amazing results that his clients have achieved, just go to Dakota lane, fitness. com, Dakota lane, fitness. com. You can even Google that or just click on the link in the show notes. My guests today are Cody and Catherine. Cody, as you'll hear in the conversation, experienced the divorce of his parents at age 14 in college.
He had a reversion to his Catholic faith where he found the support to untangle the pain he experienced. Cody is a joyful newlywed and expectant father. He works as an engineer and he's a self proclaimed armchair, armchair, a philosopher and theologian. Catherine, his wife, uh, is a mother and a missionary as well as a wife.
And after graduating from the University of Missouri with a degree in journalism, she spent three years working in campus ministry, uh, with Focus, the fellowship of Catholic University students, uh, during which she met her husband, Cody. Uh, she continues to work with Focus as a marketing specialist. In her free time, she reads good books with friends, backpacks around Michigan's upper peninsula and dreams up more effective ways to run her household.
Cody were married in July 2023 and are expecting their first child in April 2024, and they have a passion for just self aware communication, playfulness, and intellectual formation, believing that the theology of our bodies reveals much more about how to know and love one another. Now in this conversation, we do talk a bit about God and faith.
If you don't believe in God, I'm so glad you're here. Anyone who knows this podcast knows that we're not a strictly religious podcast. And so wherever you're at, again, I'm glad you're here. My challenge to you is just this, listen with an open mind. Even if you were to skip or take out the God parts, you're still going to benefit a lot from this episode.
And with that, here's our chat. Cody and Catherine, welcome to the show. Good to be here, Joe. Yeah, I'm excited. No, I'm a big fan of you both. And, um, uh, yeah, excited to learn more about your story. I know I've, I've learned a bit here there about it, but yeah, how did you guys meet? Let's just start with a kind of softball question.
Where'd you meet? So I, I worked for a Catholic, uh, campus ministry organization and got sent as part of that organization up to Michigan tech where Cody was a student. Uh, so I was a missionary, uh, serving in that capacity And so I didn't know Cody. Um, I knew his best friend was one of the people who served on my team with me.
I was also on Dating Fast when we first met as part of my service as a missionary. So I think that made me feel very free to hang out with him and see him as a brother figure. No, I like it. Okay. So you guys kind of hit it off that way. I met through other people and uh, kind of built your friendship though.
I'm curious, like, did you guys have this long period of friendship or were you pretty soon interested in each other and wanting to take things to the dating level? I didn't really get to know Catherine very well until probably January, uh, of that like whole academic year. So I was pretty much right or off.
And then it was, uh, She's kind of cute, but unavailable. It's a shame. I'm going to go ask out somebody else. And so I did. So I went on a couple of dates with her and wasn't terribly interested in that. And by then the semester had ended and, uh, Catherine was at the end of her first year on mission, so she was then able to go on dates and, uh, that's right.
One of my friends who was a groomsman later at our wedding pulled me aside. It's like, Hey man, you're going to ask Catherine out? And I said, no, I'm not terribly interested in that. Like, well, you should, she's great. And I know you've said that you would take her out if you could. And then on my end, I had been really interested in discerning religious life.
So looking at other options besides marriage, um, while I was on the dating fast, but I knew that. There were a lot of really awesome men in my life. At that point, I had fellow missionary and teammates, a lot of the male students. I had just built a great friendship with them throughout that first year, um, that I was at Michigan tech.
And so I had told my manager. That, you know, all of the men at Tech, they're really great. If one of them asked me on a date, I would say yes, even Cody Eby. Because I thought he was, he was like the weirdest of all of the weird ones. There is kind of this spectrum of, you know, we've got like the hunters and the outdoorsmen, and then we've got the nerds, because they're most of, The students at Tech are engineers, but I definitely put Cody on the weirder than I would normally date, but I would be open.
Um, and so as the story goes, two hours after the official end of the dating fast, which was marked by a piñata, uh, Cody asked me on a date. Um, yeah, and then we dated for eight months. We were engaged for 16, um, and I've been married now for eight months. Beautiful. Okay. Thanks for sharing. And that makes sense.
Like, yeah, about the dating fast. So anyone who's not familiar, it's just a period of time where you choose not to date because you're, you know, in Catherine's situation, she was a missionary serving college students. So, um, just something that organization has their missionaries do. Well, to whatever degree you're comfortable sharing, what are your families like?
Like, what are your family's backgrounds? Now, obviously Cody, you've come on the show. We'll make sure to link to that in the show notes. But, um, if you would give us a little bit of a recap and then Catherine as well, I'd love to hear a bit about your family. Yeah. So my parents divorced when I was about.
Um, it was a fairly troubled marriage and then post split, it was just me bouncing between households. Um, and then primarily staying with my mother. So there was a lot of, uh, dysfunction. Yeah. And then I come, um, from an intact family. Um, my parents have been married for 30 years and I have three children.
Three brothers, one older and two younger, and grew up in suburban Minnesota. Um, and just had a very different experience, um, from Cody had a very close knit family and we did a lot of family vacations and family dinners together. Uh, and that was definitely a lens that I brought into the relationship that I think affected my ability just to understand family dynamics that were different from what I had.
So it's not also that you had siblings and I didn't. That is true, but I had all boy siblings. It definitely can give you some advantages for sure. It definitely is helpful. I should say, um, no, thank you guys for going into that and explaining. And that is so interesting. The dynamic between an intact family and a, you know, a broken family.
I want to go into that a bit deeper in a little bit. But I am curious, like through this whole like dating phase for you guys, were there certain qualities and virtues that you were looking for in another person? Or was it more that there was just a personal attraction between like the two of you that you began to explore?
Like you didn't have this whole checklist and you're like, yep, Cody checks this and Catherine checks this. Just curious what that was like for you. What were you looking for in each other? Maybe Catherine first. Yeah, absolutely. That's, it's so funny because I think. At one point in my life, I, for sure, had a checklist of all the things that I was looking for in a future husband.
I think at the point that Cody and I started dating, I hadn't even been thinking about that for, for quite a while. Didn't date really at all in college and just, Yeah, I felt very free to give myself in friendship. Um, and so walking into dating, I, I didn't even really know what I wanted or what I expected.
Um, which I think led both to putting pressure on Cody that didn't necessarily need to be there because I was trying to hold him to this ideal. Even though, um, yeah, I hadn't set down expectations and that was something a mentor. had encouraged me while dating to do is actually sit down and ask yourself for me to ask myself, is he actually like checking the boxes you think you have in your head or are your ideals unrealistic?
And that was also something, um, that, uh, a close priest had said to me as well, uh, is just a really, Really know my own heart and my own mind when it came to that. It's interesting because I remember on our second date there was this whole moment near the end of the date where I just I was going in at that point.
I had decided like oh, this has been fun, but I don't want to go on more dates Uh and started explaining all of that to cody. He just started to stop me and be like What, so what are you actually saying? Um, and I realized in all of that crazy rambling that I was going through, that the thing that I was actually wrestling with is just being afraid of, of something new of a dating relationship and dating at a time when, um, I was stepping into a new leadership role on campus and just a lot of things were changing in my life.
Um, yeah. And just his advice, um, to step into that place of fear. Uh, to do it scared and just really enter into all the uncertainty. That was a huge help in, even later in the process of me sorting through kind of what, what were some of those, those boxes I was looking for. That was the moment I went back to in all the times when I thought, Oh, Cody doesn't check this box.
Um, Oh, specifically in the area of faith, right? I was a missionary who was praying every single day, very involved in evangelizing. Um, and Cody's life as a college student looked very different. His, his personal devotion to God looked very different than mine was. And I think I was looking for someone with the exact, the exact flavor of, uh, faith life that I had.
Um, but in realizing that deeper than any of those faith aspects was actually just realizing that I felt very safe with him. I felt safe to be vulnerable, um, and that wasn't Something that I've had much in my life, just because of my own, my own personal woundedness, um, it involves a lot of fear and fear of, um, people pleasing and just wanting to be perfect for everyone.
And so this fact that even if the things I thought I wanted were Like, this perfect Christian man wasn't there. What I actually needed was someone who, who listened to me, who accepted me, who was willing to work through the hard things. And that was feedback we got from friends during that time, is that we had great interpersonal communication.
Um, actually, the, the person during our marriage prep frequently said, Do you, do you guys ever have conflict? Cause you've clearly figured out how to resolve it very quickly. Uh, I think another person was so concerned that we were so good at the, the, the conflict resolution language. Like, do you have normal conversations?
Like you talk to each other. Like friends, right? Like very concerned that we're too good at voicing opinions. We were apparently like a plus stars of I statements. And yeah, it was good. Yeah. Talk us through a little bit of that. Cause I know this conflict is such a difficult thing for typically for people who come from broken families, especially once you get an intimate relationship, you get married, like it can be a really difficult waters because for so many of us, as you both know.
We didn't see that modeled well, but I'm a big believer that you can learn how to navigate that. And it sounds like you did, Cody, and Catherine, you as well. So I'm just curious, like, what is your mode of operating when it comes to conflict? And maybe what advice would you give to someone who's like, I don't really know what I'm doing?
Yeah, I think for me coming from a very classic passive aggressive midwestern family, we just, we didn't, we had a lot of deep discussions growing up, but not a lot of diving into the conflict or saying the things that were really important or were hurtful to us. Um, and I think the thing that really helped me most was in some of those marriage preparation classes.
They just gave us a language that we could use, um, using I statements, um, and explaining how we felt. Uh, Or I think we, we read a book called Hold Me Tight, which is just a, a psychology book about, um, intimate relationships and some of that language of just learning how to, um, to speak about kind of our, our interior, our feelings, um, the things that we're expressing.
That was really huge for me. I love having a framework. I will read Like psychology books until the cows come home. Um, but being able to know that I had someone who was trained the same way that I was to just be able to say, okay, we're going to stop, um, being able to even now call each other out and say, Like, Oh, it sounds like the way that you're speaking to me.
It sounds like something is going deeper. Can we stop? Can we take a moment to just enter into that space and really talk about what we're feeling? Um, and honestly, learning a list of emotion words, uh, like brainstorming, not just happy, sad, angry, but what are maybe some of those more? Like I'm feeling afraid in this particular way, or I'm feeling discouraged.
Um, Yeah, that was really helpful in just me having to stop and identify what I was feeling and I'm, I'm a very slow processor by personality. So sometimes it would take us, our friends joke that sometimes it would take us hours to go and have one conversation because we just needed all that time to process, which is totally okay.
If you're a fast processor, great. Um, sometimes that makes it easier, but if you're slow or need to step away for a moment, take a five minute breather, figure out what you're feeling and then come back to the conversation. Um, that all of those things were very helpful.
I'm married to Treebeard, who believes that, uh, things aren't worth, uh, saying, unless you're willing to take a long time to say it. Which is funny, because the one thing that we did during that year of friendship was watch Lord of the Rings together. So, gladly, we lived that. Um, no, right? It's like, just, just coming from like my own experience, like conflict, uh, in a relationship being something that's like really, you know, It creates a lot of fear in previous relationships, getting to experience that and like the instability of dating.
Right. I think that's like one of the worst things about it for someone who's grown up from a divorce household. Right. Is right. There's all this courage that it takes simply to ask a woman on a date, right? You risk all this rejection, which, uh, for asking Catherine out, I'm thinking I have no chance at this.
There is. No way. She's going to say yes, but it's like the end of the semester and she might even transfer after the year. So as long as I just shoot my shot, I'll know that it's over and I can go hang out with my friends before we all leave town for the summer. And, uh, yeah, it turned out she said yes, which was, uh, Great.
And I'll be at surprising. And then she's like, well, I'd like to go out on a date with you again before you leave. Shall we go out again? Wow. So that went really well. Right. Like, yeah, there's a brave face to, uh, rejection, which is, uh, yeah, it's real. Projection hurts a lot, but then even once like there is, uh, a yes.
And then even a committed to like, let's exclusively date. Like, Boyfriend girlfriend kind of thing. It's still not like a stable relationship, right? Like you're exclusive, but there's ultimately like a freedom of like, ah, you can voluntarily choose to exit this relationship at any time. And that's terrible, right?
As, as somebody who's experienced divorce for like, ah, your parents just. opted to voluntarily separate the relationship at any time. And we're like going through breakups before my relationship with Catherine was, uh, difficult. Even like housemates, like moving out, like, ah, we've lived together for a year and now you've graduated and you're going off to like your new life, your new job.
Everything's great. Like, oh boy, what I just. Sit and cry over like my non romantic friend because it's just hard to deal with like we've grown in friendship now There's a separation that we just bring all these memories of difficulty and separation about that So right, so there's all that going on and to say what what that has to do with conflict is Anytime that like conflict is broached, you're thinking, Oh, is this the end?
Is this it? Has it, has it come to the final hour of hair? This is the impossible conflict that things cannot get solved and we're going to break up and there's nothing we can do about it. And it's just the divorce process all over again. Mom and dad can't get along. And you're to me, it just felt like my brain was just.
Set in stone that like, ah, there is another argument and it is the end and it is definitively the end and Right. I have to take time to think like, okay, we're gonna be okay. It doesn't have to be as doom and gloom as I think it's going to be and I can relax and I say this and I'm trying to be as true to myself as possible, but it's actually hard to remember.
I've been married for eight months and I've kind of like They're able to kind of flush these things down the toilet for the, for the most part, because I think about it all that often, and it's great. It's a good thing. Yeah, and it still takes a lot. The entering into conflict takes courage, and that, that isn't easy.
Um, and so I, I think. That's been something for both of us that's just been really huge is whether we chose to or not We grew in that ability to just to enter in and to face the fear So good now, I love that and now I think this is such an important topic because could it like you said well A dating breakup can feel like a divorce to people like us.
And we need to learn how to get through that obviously and see that it's actually not the same thing, but it can feel like it. And that's a really difficult thing when you're going through it. Um, so I think, yeah, seeing what conflict can look like in a healthy way is really beautiful. So I do want to stay here a little bit more if it's okay with you guys.
I, yeah, I'm curious, like the, Balance that you guys hit or you maybe you've seen in other marriages between directness and tactfulness. Cause I think sometimes those can be a little bit at odds where like you can be very direct and just kind of say what's on your mind and say what you're feeling. And in some relationships that's great.
Like that will work well. And other relationships like, no, no, no, you need to be a bit more tactful. You need to figure out the right way to say it. So just curious the balance between The, those two, not necessarily extremes, but those two kind of modes of communicating for you guys and what you've seen and maybe what advice you would offer to someone who's navigating that too.
Well, I'm definitely very confrontational. It's not necessarily like you can be confrontational and still be kind, right? So like, what does that mean? Is you, you address the thing that bothers you. And to the way that I do it, and it's not necessarily a guarantee. This is going to be like the thing that works well for you, uh, or that it's going to be received well by your spouse or boy girlfriend.
But again, like the, the EFT, the emotionally focused therapy, when you just speak about the way that you feel or that you receive something, right. That's primarily why you're hurt. You've received something, uh, whether it was meant to be received in that way or not. Received something. So here's the way that like, when you told me to do this task in this way, I felt belittled and explain if it was, um, a choice of language or the way it was spoken and, and, and confronting Catherine with that.
And. Giving her the, the chance to kind of answer for herself, not necessarily in like, um, police interrogation. Where were you and why did you do it? But just giving voice to like the, I feel hurt because of this. And then allowing Catherine to kind of play off that. How would you play off? Yeah. And emotionally focused therapy is the, what that book Hold Me Tight by Dr.
Sue Johnson is all about. You should get a sponsorship, Joanne. We're going to plug that one. Well, we might put some other things. There's, there's a lot that's going on. That's been helpful for us. Um, yeah, I think, um, remind me to come back to the point that you were making about playing off the, the confrontation, the thought that I was originally thinking is I tend to be very emotionally attuned.
Again, sometimes that's a good thing. Sometimes that comes from reading a room and trying to make sure that I'm pleasing the people around me. Um, but there were many, many times when we were dating or engaged that I could tell Cody was shutting down. Uh, and I just wanted to keep digging, like, tell me what's wrong.
Explain to me why you're feeling like this. Usually out of a. I just realized that I didn't think about it enough. place of my own fear or insecurity that I needed to correct my behavior so that he would continue to care about me.
his particular mode of operating, um, that he does. Sometimes he just needs five minutes, um, to walk away and to examine his own, his own heart and his own thoughts and figure out what exactly he needs to communicate to me. So yeah, that, that was a big part of just learning that balance between directness and tact is that I didn't, I didn't need to keep asking why things were wrong.
I could trust, um, and I think that's part of it. It was growing in the trust that he would come to me and tell me what was wrong in that. the confrontational style. The direct style. It's not really confrontation. You tell me how you feel and why you feel hurt. Um, I think in responding to that, just the directness, the power of I'm sorry, and I forgive you.
That is something our society, um, Yeah, whether you come from a Christian background or a secular background or anything, how often do people say, I'm sorry? And I, I grew up in the Midwest where you, you say, I'm sorry when you like, you've been there. Yeah. Let me sneak right past you there. Like have actually said that to people as I'm walking through crowds, um, and feeling bad about, you know, they're actually in the way and this is not a me problem, but the power of just Right, whether or not I think I've wronged Cody, um, if he's expressing to me that he's hurt in some way, I need to apologize for that wrong and allow him to say the words, I forgive you.
Again, oftentimes our response to I'm sorry is like, oh, it's okay. No, it's not okay. There has been pain that has been caused and it goes both ways. Um, I, he also hurts me in addition to me hurting him. Um, but yeah, I think just like. Focusing in on that, coming back to a place of connection, that if he expresses, You said this thing in this way, and it hurt me, and this is what I'm experiencing.
Apologizing, returning to a place of connection, and then having a productive conversation of like, Oh, okay, so next time, what do we need to do differently? Was this just a, It's late, and I'm tired, and I'm sorry, and we can just move on? Or is there a pattern here that needs to be, So I can bring an attempt to all of those things.
Good stuff. No, I appreciate you guys going through that. There's so many lessons I just learned from you. Uh, one reminds me of something Layla Miller, the author who's written a lot about, you know, children of divorce and things like that. She said that she identified that people like us from broken families tend to think that conflict leads to permanent separation.
And so the, Logical, I guess, response to that would be to avoid at all costs. And, so, it's really helpful to hear that, no, not only can you actually navigate conflict in a healthy way, which is the goal, for everyone listening, the goal is not to avoid conflict. Usually that's a bad sign in a relationship.
It either means you're saints, or, you know, there's some other big problems underneath the surface that you need to address. Um, but really to make conflict healthy, that's the goal. And so even knowing that like can be mind blowing for people, I guess it's like, wow, conflict can be healthy. Like I never really saw what that looked like that.
That's one lesson. I think the other one too, is that you can get through it and love each other more. Even because of it, I would say, uh, which is kind of wild concept again, like, you know, being married for a bit, you kind of learn these things through trial and error often. Um, but, but yeah, I think for someone, especially who's, who's not at that point yet, it's, this might be pretty mind blowing for them.
So really good stuff. Another thing I wanted to touch on that you guys said was just the importance of trust and all of this. Like if you don't trust someone. It makes conflict really, really challenging. Uh, but if you do, I remember what, uh, the business author Pat Lungione said about trust. He said that, um, trust makes conflict the pursuit of truth.
Trust makes conflict the pursuit of truth, which I found so true. Instead of a battle of egos who are just trying to kind of get the upper hand and win the argument, you're truly debating like what is the best solution and the best course of action. For us as a team, as a couple, as a family, as a marriage.
Um, and so just a few lessons there that I love that you guys went through. Yeah. And I think Joey, you hit on just. That idea that, especially in marriage, it's, it's a little bit different dating and engaged because those are still times when you figure out, is this a person that I want to spend my life with?
But definitely in marriage, it's not about, it's never us versus each other. It's always about, um, I don't know, like, like the marriage itself is this third person and that needs to be preserved above any ego that either Khalid or I have. Um, yeah. And, and maybe defining that as like the love that we have as a married couple needs to be preserved at all costs.
Um, because that, that's more important than what he thinks or I think in any given moment is the fact that we have chosen to commit to each other. I love that. And I remember some, uh, Jordan Peterson said, Cody, you probably remember this of just how, um, when you try to beat your spouse. And if you win, that kind of makes your spouse a loser.
And then it means you're married to a loser. And so it's like, like, you're not really winning in the end. If you like are succeeding at putting your spouse down, which can be difficult to remember in the midst of a conflict, because we get so emotional. I remember our marriage therapist. Um, telling us that when you're angry, when you're emotional, your IQ drops apparently by like 30 points.
And so for those of us with like average IQs, it puts us in the 70 range, which makes us basically like in the range of mental disability. So we're trying to resolve something when we're all like pent up and emotional, especially angry. You're not going to get anywhere with it. And so there's definitely some good tactics that we've learned.
Like one of them, since we're on the conflict topic was calling a time out. And this isn't like a perfect tactic, but we've found it helpful. And for those of you who've never heard of this, basically what you do is prior to any sort of conflict, you just. Agree upon a timeout period, like could be anywhere from 30 minutes to 24 hours.
And then in the midst of a conflict, when things get heated, when you can just say, I need a timeout. And then, you know, the person who calls the timeout would, you know, keep track of the time and then they would resume the conversation as well. And so that's just one little tactic too. But one thing I wanted to mention too, and I'd love to hear any other thoughts you guys have on conflict since we're here.
And I think people find this so valuable is that it's important to remember, like, it's a skill. For some reason, I at least never really thought of it as a skill. I kind of thought of it as like some natural, um, trying to find the right words, like something that's like naturally baked into your character, right?
A natural ability. Maybe, I don't know if that's the right word even, but, um, but basically something you're kind of like born with that you can't really learn. And so knowing that it's a skill, like something you can learn, you can get better at it. Um, I think it is really, really helpful. And on that note, the remembering that there's like different levels of competence.
Um, and the, there's the way I've heard it talked about is there's four levels of competence. There's unconscious competence or unconscious incompetence. I'm sorry. It's the first level. That's like the lowest level. That means like you're not really good at something. You don't really know how bad you are because you don't know what good looks like.
That's unconscious competence. One level up would be. Unconscious incompetence. Sorry. One level up would be, uh, conscious incompetence where like you have a frame of reference now, some sort of anchor, some sort of benchmark. You're like, okay, like I understand that I'm not really good at this, but I'm working to be better at this.
And then when you go one level up, you have, um, Uh, conscious competence, where you've actually gotten good at something, but you have to really focus to be good at it. You have to keep practicing. You have to really like hone that skill. Um, and then from there, you have, uh, unconscious competence, where you don't actually really need to think about it much more, because you've practiced it so much.
That you've gotten to this level, kind of like you mentioned before Cody, where you don't need to think about it. It's just natural. It's kind of baked into your character at that point. Like the virtue has been integrated into who you are. So I found that helpful really with any skill in life, but we can, I guess, apply it to this conflict, uh, skill as well.
No, I mean, I think it's really great way to put it. So the listener doesn't feel discouraged. Right. Um, How do I get from being, like, dating to married and having all this, uh, ability to resolve things and speak clearly to the person that I love? And, uh, I think not just thinking about it as a skill, but thinking about it as, like, another language.
Uh, because first and foremost, like, you can, uh, You can spend all the time you want studying it, but until someone else knows it to speak it with you, you're only playing with, you know, you're missing the other half, right? If the person you're trying to relate to an emulant who doesn't understand the way that you're trying to resolve the conflict or doesn't relate to it.
Have that template either right progress can be made but it's it's slower. It's harder Uh, you're speaking one language and they're trying to point to things and and then dragging around on their end, right? So I think uh, right choosing to read a book together and then we went to marriage counseling before we were married to Kind of help us get through some other Reconcile of both of us having other interior problems that were preventing us from being able to communicate clearly.
Yeah. That's so unique. Go ahead, Joey. And I want to go back into that in a second, but Kathryn, you first, but I love that you guys Even before, you know, you were married. That's so good. But yeah, I think to your point about growing in the competency, um, it was definitely something that we had to grow and we had to learn the same language, but it was also, uh, you're right.
A skill that can be practiced and. If you're not in, in a relationship of some kind, practicing it with roommates or friends, and it can be very small, um, and I think going into those episodes, uh, with, with the benefit of the doubt or assuming that when your roommate doesn't do their dishes, it's not because They were trying to be mean to you and they just really wanted to leave you with a sink full of dirty dishes.
It was maybe they had their own things going on and being able to approach that and say like, Hey roommate, I just noticed that you left your dishes in the sink last night. Just want to check in and make sure everything's okay. Um, make sure you weren't overwhelmed by life. Uh, and just like wanted to, to invite you to do them when you have time or like, if something was going on to do them for them and coming to that place of understanding.
Cause most times When people, uh, yeah, are called out in gentleness, they will respond well. Um, and I, I, I learned that and actually got to practice it a lot, living with three other women. Um, yeah, during my time as a missionary. And so just finding ways in life to practice that skill, whether that's in a dating relationship.
Or just with other people in your life, um, who you have. I, I think it's funny that you, you brought up the thing, um, where there's the saying that you shouldn't, you shouldn't attribute to malice what could be attributed to, uh, incompetence, right? And like, most of the time, people aren't trying to, To really do anything to you, uh, it's, it's a lot of times just out of someone else's own ignorance, right?
Even if they knew something went wrong, they weren't thinking about how it would affect you. Uh, they were too self obsessed. I think one example that just comes to mind recently is we're cleaning out a spare room that we've been using to store all the stuff that we couldn't find a nice new place for in the house.
And, um, this room is like a renovated garage on the side of the house. And we get mice out there. And so as I'm clinging to this box, it's just like full of mouse poop and chewed up stuff. And, uh, so I emptied the box out and I set it aside. Uh, I told my wife, oh, this box is full of mouse poop and stuff. So I'm going to throw out a lot of the.
Uh, fabrics and things that were in there because they're basically ruined now and they all smell and I don't want to wash them. Um, so I put the empty box into the side of the room. And a couple of hours later Kath was like, Ah, there are some loose things in the other room on the other side of the house and they need a box.
And so she goes off to the spare room, grabs the empty box that had all the mouse poop in it, right? Picks it up, takes it to their aunt's house, and puts all, um, I think it was stuff for the baby that's on the way, right? So it's putting all these gifts inside, and I'm like, Catherine, did you just put all of our nice new baby stuff into, like, the rat poop box?
And I got super mad, because I'm like, why would you do that, right? Like, that could have, like, diseases that could be, like, really bad for the baby, and it's just disgusting and gross, and I don't like dealing with all that, because I'm a, I'm not really a germaphobe, but, um Sometimes a little bit. Yeah, it just makes me angry to be sick.
Not that I'm afraid of it. So, whatever the Greek is for germ hater, uh, rather than germ fearful. So, I just get really mad, and it just dawns on me, like, actually, I think if Catherine knew that that was the box, and was in full awareness of that, she wouldn't have chosen to do that. Yeah. So I don't have to be mad at her like she intentionally picked up the poop box and put, you know, nice things inside of it because she just didn't know.
So all I can I should actually stop being mad at her. I should apologize for, for raising my voice like, why did you use this box? And, uh, just kind of move along, okay? Dude, I was mad. I had to go, I had to go, uh, like settle myself. Then I realized, like, I don't know, she just She didn't know what was happening, man.
My wife did not intentionally pick up a poopy box to slight me. Why would she do that? That benefits her in no way whatsoever either. Um, yeah. And perhaps that's something, um, like for someone who might be coming from, Either a broken family or just a family where there was a lot of manipulation, um, that maybe that's a pattern that they saw that there was intentionality behind it.
Um, but just to remember that for the most part, most people are not, trying to manipulate you or harm you in any way. Most people are choosing to live with a desire for your good. Um, especially people who have committed to love you in some way, whether that's friends or family or yeah, someone you're in a relationship with.
So just being attentive to that. No, I love that. Um, I'm curious, like that story, how did you guys resolve that? Or if you don't want to talk about that, any interesting, like recent situation where maybe there was some conflict and you guys were able to resolve it? Well, because I think as much as we're talking principles, it would be cool to kind of tie this together and see, okay, like, what does it look like actually to resolve, you know, a conflict.
So I'm just curious if you have a recent example of something where you maybe butted heads and there is a bit of conflict, but then you guys were able to resolve it. Well, what did that look like? Okay. I mean, with the boxing, of course, right, being the one I just thought of a moment ago, right, it was just like Ah, I realized that it wasn't intentional because why would that be?
Um, and then explaining my wife like I realized that this wasn't intentional because you are Silly enough to do something like that in hell like it was like, yes, I did not intend to do that like I'm so sorry for raising my voice at you and being upset with you. That was unnecessary. Will you please forgive me?
And we're very careful to use it like that. Will you forgive me? I forgive you language, right? Yeah. To roll it back further, you, you raised your voice and were like, and said something along the lines of, Did you use the, you weren't particularly PC about calling it the mouse poop box, but you did ask if I used that box.
And I was like, I didn't realize it was the box. I'll go change it out. And probably I, I did roll my eyes and wander back to the other room to grab a different box and then proceed to bend over and sort it probably being a little upset with you. Um, At, you know, like, this didn't seem like a big issue, but it clearly was, um, and then in that Cody taking, you know, a minute to reflect on his actions, realizing that it wasn't intentional, and therefore was in need of apology.
Um, and after that. Yeah, just like forgiving him and moving on because there are a lot of things, uh, I think that's one of the things I'm realizing about marriage is you could stay upset at your spouse pretty much every minute of every day because there's a lot that they do that's very annoying. Uh, and just realizing that if we choose to live in that place, we become bitter, upset, angry people.
And those aren't necessarily patterns that we want in our life. So choosing to move on. And I think the box has been thrown away. It probably should. Okay. Cool. No, I love that. And, and I think it's good to know that that's kind of a natural part of marriage. That's like, you know, kind of butting heads, rubbing up against each other the wrong way.
Maybe taking a little bit of a breather space, coming back together, resolving things like that. That's beautiful. That's what it can look like. And that's doable, right? As we were talking about, it's a skill, it's a virtue that you can acquire, you can practice, you can learn. You're going to mess up, you're going to go through those different levels of competence.
And then, if you work at it, in the end, you'll be good at it. And so, Yeah. I think this is really, really beautiful and helpful and encouraging, honestly, for, for so many people listening a couple, um, other tactics that come to mind too. I think it's so important within marriage to just learn to let the small things go.
Cause Catherine, like you just said, it's like there, you can nitpick anything and everything. And maybe depending on your personality, some people are so chilled. They like, don't really care. Other people are more, maybe, you know, nitpicky by nature. And so I think like, Remembering that, you know, you don't need to voice your opinion about everything.
That's at least my opinion. You can let the little things go. Like, talk about the important things, talk about what bothers you. And maybe this conflicts a little bit with what you guys learned, but this is just something that I learned from another psychologist. Um, and so for me, that's been really helpful, not just in marriage, but in other relationships too.
And the whole idea that, you know, you can't put out every fire if you do, you're going to be like exhausted. You're going to be like, not able to maintain any sort of like health and like peace in your life. And so the idea of like, sometimes you need to let small fires burn, let small fires burn. That's okay.
So I'm just curious if your opinion on it, if you'd want to disagree, feel free, not offended, um, But yeah, curious about that. And, uh, also curious if you guys like repeat back, uh, like in conflict, if you repeat back kind of what you hear the other person saying, and for that's a tactic too, in order to like, make sure you're really understanding what the, where they're going.
Yeah. Just to hit on what you said, Joey, I think part of it might be a personality thing. I totally agree. Letting the small things go. If we get upset about everything, yeah, we tend to be miserable people. I think also attentiveness, um, to who. We are as individuals. I know my particular pattern is I will let everything go, assume the benefit of the doubt and everything.
And then I never deal with conflict. And instead I'm stewing about the dirty dishes that my roommate has left. Um, yeah, then she's miserable for a while. I'm like, honey, what's wrong? And there's just this great big sigh. And. It's going to be like an hour of conversation that has to happen. Yeah. There was one time really recently that it was something, it was like a whole, I was, I was so upset with Cody for like a whole week or a couple of days.
And we like, it started, we started meeting to talk through it. Cause I was like, I'm just upset with you. I'm frustrated. I can't work. I can't work out what's wrong. Um, and then we sat down and again, I'm a slow processor. So it took me. You know, half an hour, an hour to communicate all of those things to him.
And by the time we got, and he listened to so well, you, you really are a great listener and to your point about using feedback where he'll respond and say, I'm hearing you say this, like, are we making sure, like, I'm still tracking with you? And by the time we got to the end of the discussion, I wasn't upset with him about anything.
It was that I needed to buy this particular baby product, and I just hadn't bought it yet, and that was causing me stress. And so he, the way to resolve that was actually, he made me take off my laptop and just like, hop on, The internet and buy what I needed and it was so funny because it's like I was so upset with him for like, I can't remember if it was days or something.
Yeah. There was this part of me that was like the whole, whole Sunday morning, like pre mass, go to church, come back from mass. And it's just like, why are you mad at me? Conversation goes on for at least an hour and a half and it's like, I need to shop. It's like, no, no, no, what's, what have I done? Like nothing.
You've done nothing. I just need to buy this thing. It's like, well, I'm not against you buying that. Like, have I told you that I don't want you to buy that? No, I just need to get it. The budget's tight. There you go.
So what have I done wrong? It's like nothing. So, anyway, being attentive to who I am, willing to take time to work through those things, right, and, and resolve conflict. Um, but realizing that I, by personality, will let things build up, and I found that that's very unhealthy. Um, so, listener, if, if that's you, where you tend to, um, Lump everything together and all of a sudden you're so frustrated at your spouse or your significant other or just a friend That you explode and then realize at the end of the day that it's actually nothing that they've done You've just let all the small things build up.
I encourage you to to take one small step, encourage, and just address whatever that small conflict is at the beginning. That the thing for me was probably he was driving over the speed limit or did something. I'm a backseat driver. So, so when Cody drives, uh, I clearly have control issues. And so if I had just addressed that right away, would we have gotten to a point?
Um, and, and it was good that we ended up. Getting to a point where I addressed the thing that I was actually stressed out about. Um, but had I addressed maybe moments along the way that could have been avoided good stuff. No, I appreciate you guys going through all that and I think that the what i'm learning from you is know yourself That's like the first principle, right?
Which I think is so important, like you said, Kevin, because yeah, if you are a person who lets like everything go, then you're going to just build up resentment. And resentment, what I've seen, can slowly just like poison your relationship. It's kind of like a, you know, an illness, like slowly silently eating away at your body.
And, and that's horrible. So yeah, that's not a good thing too. So I think there is that balance between knowing yourself and then, you know, being able to let small things go, but then also voicing something so it doesn't just build up and become this huge thing. Because yeah, I think so many marriages end up falling apart probably because, you know, they didn't communicate anything or the way in which they communicated didn't resolve anything.
So it was just this big thing under the surface that was just growing to become this mammoth of a, Problem. And then it's just like, well, where do we go from here? And it can, it can feel hopeless though. There is so much hope there. I've seen even horrible, rough marriages come back. Um, and so there is so much hope there, but guys, we've got to wrap up.
I just was curious to just quick questions for you, Cody. I remember you sharing the motto that Catherine, you alluded to earlier of like, just do it scared. I remember, I think you heard it on the podcast at some point. I'm just curious. Okay, well, I didn't come up with that. It was, it was, uh, Rory Vaden, just to set the record straight, is a business author who I learned that from, and so I'm glad I could pass that to you, but I can't take full credit from, but I'm so glad.
So I'm just curious, like, to someone listening right now who is paralyzed by fear, on that motto of do it scared, what would you say to them, especially if they're like holding back in relationships that are like, They could be really good and beautiful and healthy, but they're just afraid. Hell yeah, I don't really know what else to add beyond that, because it is so important to just face that fear, even though it is pretty paralyzing.
I've just experienced it kind of like, the lock up, the tenseness, right, just that, like anxiety enough to make you sweat. And just the willingness to go through with it and, uh, first and foremost, to see that it's like, really not all that bad. And your brain, right, is working very hard to protect you from the worst possible thing that could happen.
The good news is it's working way too hard. And it's probably not going to be that bad. And even if it is bad, right, you're going to feel so good after having just crossed that boundary. Because one, you can, you can look to yourself and say, Hey, look, I did it. Like it's capable. I can rise above the things that fear I feel.
And again, your brain is really good at trying to protect you from catastrophic things, which if you experience divorce or trauma in your life, Your brain is going to be very, very attuned to protecting you from terrible catastrophe. It just works way too hard. I would also say, from a scientific perspective, that is actually what your amygdala, your fear center, has been trained to do.
And right, that's a, if you encountered a black bear in the woods, your brain would tell you to run away. And that is a good fear response, and you want your brain to continue. Yeah. responding that way when we have a pattern either in our family of origins or in other situations, um, where our response to fear has always been to run away.
We've trained our brains to always run away. And the only way to untrain the brain is actually to go back in to acknowledge where we're feeling fear and then choose to take a step backwards. Um, there's a whole, um, Optimal Work is the business organization that's been doing a lot of taking this research on the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex and then applying it in a work setting.
Like, oh, if you get frustrated by a project or you don't want to have conflict with your manager or an employee or something, they're trying to take that science, um, and apply it, yeah, in a work setting. But it's, it's totally true in conflict, in marriage, in relationships. And I think to that point, my advice would just be learning to name the fear that saying out loud, whether you're a spiritual person and that's in prayer, or if it's just you standing in your room saying, I am afraid of, and working through that most of the time for us, for people, as they get to know themselves, it goes back to like, uh, I am afraid of being unloved or unchosen or unwanted or rejected or, or any of the lies that we can believe about ourselves.
And being able to name that fear is important first for us overcoming it. And then as you're in a relationship with someone, there have been numerous times where we were in conflict. And the thing that I actually need to do is say, I am afraid. That you won't love me or you will be upset with me because of X, Y, and Z.
And, and Cody being able to address that fear directly is then very important. Um, yeah, and so entering into that place of, of doing it scared. One, one really beautiful thing about Katherine's analogy of seeing the black bear and feeling afraid and then wanting to run away is what you're, Not supposed to do when encountering a black bear is run away.
You'll actually trigger their fear response, uh, and they'll chase you and possibly maul you. So you're, uh, if you encounter a black bear, uh, call to it. Signal to it that you're there and it'll probably leave you alone. And if it does decide to charge you, Countercharge yelling, running and screaming. I don't think this is legal or wilderness or black advice.
Uh, you do it instead, but it's, it's a, it really beautifully demonstrates that your brain wants you to do a thing that probably isn't helpful, right? Which is to catastrophize or to try to appease or do all these other things that you will think will get you out of the scenario in an easier, painless way.
When the reality is it needs to be addressed. You have to yell at the bear. You have to charge the bear. You have to deal with the bear, not run away from the bear. It's a good job at having a terrible memory of wilderness survival on really pretty, beautiful. The point being that your amygdala in response to actual dangerous situations will teach you to run away.
And that is a natural inborn trait. Um, maybe, maybe wolves. Wolves in the woods, as opposed to black bears, because Kony is right. There you go. Don't run from bears. Changed the analogy a little bit. Don't run from black bears. Even a grizzly bear can run like 40 miles per hour, like you're not, you can do like three.
Like they're going to be on you. Well, you might, you guys might have just saved a life right now. So thank you for all of that. And no, it's a, it's good stuff. And totally understand what you both are saying and um, men really, really helpful. I love to keep talking, but I know we're at the end of our time and just wanted to give you guys the final word.
Catherine, I'll go to you first and Cody if you want to add any advice, I'm curious, like we have people listening right now who they don't come from broken families, but they are maybe dating or engaged or perhaps even, you know, newly married. to someone who comes from a broken family, maybe married for a little bit while.
Um, just curious. Yeah. What advice or what lessons maybe Catherine, you've learned that you would like to pass along to like the younger you that's listening. So I'll give you guys the final word. And again, Cody, feel free to jump in as well. And thanks so much for coming on the show. I'm just really honored.
Absolutely, Jerry. It's been so fun to, to be here and to share our story, um, and share what, what little we can, uh, as we've learned in the first couple months of marriage and our, yeah, our whole preparation for that. Um, I think just recognizing that I, as someone who came from an intact family and had no close friends who really dealt with divorce, um, To be willing to acknowledge my own naivete or my own, like, lack of understanding what was actually coming, um, and I think that came up a lot in the wedding planning process.
I, I think I always just had this image that I was going to marry a man from a large family and we were just, and I was going to get to be a part of his family because that was something that was very important to me, um, and just the whole idea that there would be parents that were, We're not amiable with each other, even in divorce.
I think I always have this picture of like, oh, we still live in the same town and we talk to each other. Um, cause that had been my one experience of divorce with my cousins. Um, but I was just, I was maybe a little blindsided, um, just by some of the relationships navigating, especially wedding planning.
like inviting both mom and dad and wanting them to be there because it was an important day, but then how do we deal with step parents? What role do they play? What does that impact? And even now preparing for our first kid, like what do we, what do we call grandparents? Do they get special names? How does that work?
Um, and so just, you know, Being, I think reminding my younger self that just being honest with those places that I didn't know what was coming Um, and being willing just to yeah to to listen to you in those places Um, but also to be okay with challenging you Um, yeah, I have I have this vision for our family for all families that they would be a place of love of connection of opportunities for growth for both spouses and children and anyone else who gets to witness that family's life.
Um, and so, yeah, just reminding myself to, to listen to you in the things that you needed, especially wedding planning. I think that was a little stressful to do. Um, just having, planning a wedding twice. Um, yeah, we, we ended up postponing our wedding, um, a month or so before it was actually supposed to go through.
So, yes, which a third great episode could be all about that. Um, but just, yeah, navigating those relationships. And also holding on to the ideal, like never being willing to set aside that there is something different that we want for our family. And, and it's been so good even now to continue to remind Cody and myself of that, that we want to do things differently.
We don't want our marriage to end in divorce. We're willing to work at it. We're willing to invest a lot of time and money. I know counseling is expensive and that was something that we committed to and continue to commit. Um, and so being willing to invest, um, in those things that will help us be, yeah, the best Stosses that we can be.
Again, big thanks to Catherine Cody for coming on the show. I'm really excited for you guys. Congrats on your new baby. And, uh, yeah, I know you guys are going to be great parents. So excited to see you grow into that role. If you guys want more content like this, more practical tips on how to navigate conflict and even build a really healthy, beautiful marriage, either now or in the future, we have a free guide for you.
The problem I think that all of us face is that We all desire love, but if we're honest, when most of us aren't sure how to go about building and to make matters worse, we're often discouraged by the prevalence of divorce. And doing maybe fear that our own marriage will end that way, especially if we saw our parents marriage fall apart growing up.
And so in this practical guide for singles and for couples, we have for a roadmap for love, really simple, practical roadmap for love based on marriage research. Time tested couples and Christianity's wisdom. The guide contains seven practical tips to build a healthy relationship and even a divorce proof future marriage.
And so if you want the guide, just go to restored ministry. com slash marriage, or just click on the link in the show notes again, restored ministry. com slash marriage, or just click on the link in the show notes. That wraps up this episode. If you know someone who's struggling from their parents divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them.
Honestly, feel free to take 30 seconds now and just shoot him a message, uh, if you'd like. And in closing, always remember, you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and break the cycle of dysfunction and divorce in your own life. And keep in mind the words of C. S. Lewis who said, You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.
