#077: The Past Sometimes Lives in the Present | Eddy Cervantes
A myth about children of divorce is that the impact of our parents’ divorce is temporary. That’s simply not true, which research proves. Sadly, the effects last long after the divorce itself.
Our guest today shares how his parents divorce has impacted him, even 20 years later in his own marriage. We discuss:
How he felt lost when it came to dating and relationships, how breakups felt like a repeat of his parents’ divorce, and how he irrationally fears that his spouse is going to leave one day
What it’s like to go through a divorce in a Mexican family
What to do when you’re unsure how to articulate a feeling or experience you’ve endured, especially related to your broken family
A story on having a difficult conversation with his mom, which offers good lessons for having a difficult conversation with your parents
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Eddy Cervantes
Email: ecervant89@gmail.com
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
One really popular myth about children of divorce is that the impact of our parents' divorce is temporary. It's short lived. It doesn't really affect us. The problem with that is it's simply not true. And research proves this, especially the research of Dr. Juth. Wallerstein at the university of California at Berkeley.
She studied children of divorce for 25 years and she summarizes all of her findings in her great book called the unexpected legacy of divorce. I definitely recommend checking it out. And what she found is that sadly, the effects from our parents' divorce last long after the divorce itself, my guest today shares how his parents' divorce has affected him.
Even 20 years later in his own marriage. We also discussed how his mom fell out of love and pursued a divorce. He shares what it's like to go through a divorce in a Mexican family, a unique dynamic there, as you'll hear, he talks about how he felt lost when it came to dating in relationships, how breakups felt like a repeat of his parents' divorce and how he, I rationally fear.
That his spouse is going to leave him one day. We offer some advice on what to do when you're unsure, how to articulate a feeling or an experience that you've endured, especially related to your broken family. We talk about how your own healing and growth can inspire your family and even your parents to heal and grow as well.
And he shares a neat story about that. We touch on why healing is almost never immediate. And finally, he shares a story about having a really difficult conversation with his mom, which offers some really great lessons on having a difficult conversation with your parents. Lots of great tips and tactics on healing.
So keep listening.
Welcome to the ReSTOR podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents' divorce, separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 77. My guest today is Eddie Cervantes as the middle of 13 kids in his family.
Big family, Eddie Cervantes loves being around people and will do anything for family. He graduated from the Colorado school of mines as an engineer. He loves pour over coffee and a good pun. Eddie and his wife McKenna live in Denver with their new baby. So here's my conversation with Eddie,
Eddie. Welcome to the show. Thanks for being here, man. Yeah, thanks for having me. Can you do your radio voice for us? oh, Joe ROS podcast. we're we're replicating the Joe Rogan podcast, Joe Rowan podcast. number one downloaded podcast in the world. There you go. we're next. Never. No, I remember, um, I was, uh, doing this mission trip and believes years ago and randomly, I don't even know how ended up on a radio show.
what and Belize, whoa. Speaking English, but okay. Anyway, it was, it was fun. And I remember I was a college kid at the time and I remember like trying to make my voice look that bad. I was like, so if you wanna do that, feel free. Will do from lighter topics on the heavier ones. Um, you know, I, I know a bit about your story.
Yeah. And. I I'm excited to hear more of it and go deeper. But for everyone listening, who doesn't know your story, how old were you when your parents separated and divorced? Yeah, I was, um, in third grade. So that have been, I think I was eight years old when my parents separated. Yeah. Dang. And what happened?
So I just know bits and pieces of it being eight years old. And it was kind of more like, okay. Diff you know, pulling from what people have said around me, you know, Aunt's brother, sister and all that stuff. It, I think ultimately what, what I, what I told my wife and, you know, before I, before I married, asked her to marry me, she, I told her like, you know, my parents divorce because my mom just fell, ultimately fell outta love.
Of my dad and that's something I remember in particular, just like imagining from the way that, you know, my uncle described it. And so that's it. I think from that point, she just fell outta love because of, I, I, in my mind what it, what it seems to me was I seen projecting what, what, how the, how it ended up to backwards now.
But I think what I projected was like, oh yeah, then we're never, never able to resolve differences. They were never able to reconcile. I don't remember forgiveness. So obviously it could be me projecting backwards right. From how it ended up, but I mean, sure. Yeah. That's that's from what I, I can see. Okay.
Yeah. And one thing we talk about from time to time in the show is that I think legally the most quoted reason for divorce is I reconcilable differences. There's just like a, essentially a constant struggle. Mm-hmm for one reason or another couples thinks they can't get beyond, which is sad. Yeah. So, so that makes a lot of sense.
And I'm curious about like hearing that second hand kind of three people, or kind of beginning a better understanding of that through other people, was your memory of that time kind of blacked out or. Was it more that you just weren't in the loop of what was going on between your parents as an eight year old?
Yeah, I, I think it was more so blacked out. Yeah. I remember just the, what I remember is, um, my mom talking about leaving on the phone to, to a friend and I was in the same room with her and it was kind of, it seemed very casual almost. Um, it was kind of weird thing about it, but, um, yeah, at the time I, I didn't know what's going on and I was like, oh yeah, you know, my mom's leaving.
And then that, then that day came, I remember. Some parts vividly, some parts vague, you know, some parts I Don actually don't remember driving off, you know, it, it, it was, it was like, okay, we're just packing up and, and going when no one else was there. So yeah, my mom took, uh, you know, kinda chose who she wanted to take.
Cause we were, we were a big family, um, sure. At the time I was one of one of nine. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so it was, it was almost like a, a perfect divider, I guess, in how she did it. I don't know why, you know, necessarily, so yeah, it's just, here's what I remember. I keep remembering those, those, those events reoccurred my mind from time to time still.
Sure. So it may, you know, it's just, it doesn't go away I guess. Yeah. So did she take you with her? She did. She did. She took me, my sisters and my, my youngest brother at the time. And so, and everyone else, I think I got pulled outta school because no one else was there at the house when we were packing up and leaving.
Wow. I think. again, this from my old mindset. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, that's, that's what I remember. And it was the middle of the day we packed up stuff and I remember the bird cage that my mom picked up. That's one piece that I remember yeah. Is, I don't know. That was weird is like a bird cage, right? Um, yeah. so all the importance stuff.
Yeah, exactly. It's like, oh yeah, don't forget the birds. Like it's like, it's how meaningless almost, you know, maybe interesting. So yeah. That's, that's how it went down. Okay. Yeah. No, that's interesting. When you heard your mom talking on the phone, what was it like for you? Like what were you thinking? What were you feeling in that moment?
Um, if you remember. Yeah, no, I actually it's actually, after, after that I kept asking her like, so when are we moving? Or, you know, and not in like a question, like, like, why are we moving? But more so like, oh, like, yeah, we're moving. When are we going to move it? Was it just, I didn't understand what was, what she was saying.
Like it got it. Yep. It, I knew. The words, I just didn't know what, what it meant for enough. Um, so the feeling was like kind of excited. Like, oh, we're moving somewhere. We're going somewhere new, you know? Yeah. Like your whole family's moving somewhere. Yeah. Kind of. Yeah. No, it makes sense. How did all that affect you?
How did your parents broken marriage and the divorce affect you in the years that followed? Yeah. Yeah. It affected me. I mean it school, you know, typical things that you kind of hear about like, you know, bad grades in school. I mean, first they were good, but then they, they got really bad. Yeah. Um, in fourth grade.
And then, so I, I just kind of was just in this like kind of a haze almost, you know, I just remember, uh, you know, just not, yeah. It kind of going through the motions, not really feeling happy, not understanding why I wasn't happy. just all around. Like everything just seems kinda like, you know, like, okay, way.
Why, why is my dad, you know, not here or why did my mom decide to do this? That was kinda in the back of my mind. So I felt very, just kinda lonely in that sense. I felt like, I mean, I couldn't, I felt like I couldn't bring it up because, you know, if I brought it up, then, then my, you know, my mom might get triggered something or, you know, with my older siblings.
So it was just something like, it happened. Don't talk about it on my mom's side of, of living with her. And then with my dad, it was more like, I don't wanna say berating, but you know, to the point of like, I don't, you know, your mom, she left us type of thing. So it was, it was like, uh, one side, it was just calm loneliness.
The other side, when I went over to my dad's, it was kind of just a little bit more confusion, a little bit more anger. about it. So yeah. You know, and, and again, like you couldn't talk back, you know, the, the Mexican mentality, right. Is like, your family is like, you don't talk back to your, to your elders, to those who are your parents, especially.
Right. Um, yeah. Yeah. Show respect. So it, it question was, was outta the question. Got it. Right. Yeah. And I mean, that makes so much sense. I was curious about just your, um, Mexican background and mm-hmm, your ancestry there and how that might maybe look different than another nationality and other ethnicity, any insights into that, maybe from what you've heard from other people who come from broken families, how it might be different going through that?
I think, yeah. I think what it was, it's a little bit, we're more passionate people, you know, or so it's like, it's the fire. Once you let a fire, it's hard to, to, uh, pour water on it, I guess. You know, and, you know, in the Bible says, you know, if Jesus, I think, remember reading and I'm paraphrasing besides if you, you know, Love your brother.
So as to pour water on his, on hot colds or something like that, thank you. You know, but, but it was, it was more like Mexican Mexicans are passionate. We, when we were set on something, we're set on it. So it was, it was, it was really hard to, um, to try to, I don't know, be in the fire, so to speak and, and like, not get burned because you always got burned.
Um, in some sense, if you know, metaphorically, so how that's different from maybe like more so American culture is that from what my, my, one of my best friends, he, his parents divorced and it, it was, it was really awkward because it's like, well, I saw 'em in school and then they were talking to each other, like normally like cordially.
And it was like, whoa, that's, that's kind of weird. Like, how is that? Why is that so different than why are theirs? Why is their divorce so different than my parents? And so I think the cultural piece plays in speaks to that where it's like, Oh, no, I'm I, I have this passion inside of me. And so I'm not gonna let it go.
Yeah. We, you know, we keep, we hold on. We're fiercely loyal, but also firstly, unloyal in some sense mm-hmm so combative and combative in that way. And like that person is not the enemy. Yeah, exactly. Okay. They're kind of the enemy. Don't, you know, we don't, don't talk to them type of thing, but it's. I have to cause I, I live with my mom, so we, we would switch every weekend to go with my dad's, um, and stay there for the weekend.
For the whole week or the weekend. Oh, the weekend. The weekend weekend. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then the summer we'd do half and half. So half the summer would be with my mom, half would be with my dad on staying continuously or like, was it a split in the middle or would you go back and forth like week after we, yeah, it was continuous.
So like from the end of school, I, I think I'd stayed with my mom through like middle summer. And then once that middle summer hit, my dad came up and picked us up and we stayed until right before school started at my dad's house. Yeah. Okay. So interesting. Mm-hmm yeah. Okay. No, thanks for speaking to that.
Italians are pretty similar. So coming from an Italian family, like lots of passion. Oh yeah. And so this, this idea of like, yeah, never talking about it. It's definitely. Kind of foreign to me, but I've come to understand that more from people, you know, we've worked with who restored that there's can be that like real silence about it.
And even in passionate families, it's like we might fight about, or have conflict about certain things, but then other things are still off limits. Like, like you said, so it can be an interesting dynamic. It's kind of strange in some ways, but I, I totally get where you're coming from. Yeah, definitely. So anything else you would add about kind of yeah.
How it affected you, how you, you know, dealt with all of the, that trauma over the years? Yeah. Over the years. I I can get into from like then to, I mean, high school, middle school is, I mean, middle school is awkward anyways, I guess. And so , so it's like, okay, you know, we're in middle school, when's high school coming and then high school came.
Right. And so it was, it continued on through middle school. Um, the, the, the same thing over and over again, the fighting the arguing. Um, don't talk back. I can't question this. And then high school came and it was okay. Now I'm old enough. I feel like to talk back and to question things and to get argumentative and.
You know, so it, it, it was like a, a split within a split. So a split between my parents and like, I kind of split off from them. For me, it was, I'd try to defend my mom and my dad's. And I tried to defend my dad and my moms try to keep the peace. You know, I was that, you know, if you're into a family systems, I was that peacekeeper, um, type of thing that bridge between them two.
And because I was, my sisters never really went over to my, my dad's house. Um, it was just the, the boys. I didn't make that clear earlier, but it was just me and my younger brother who would switch. Um, okay. Did your sisters not want to, or was there something else at play? They were older, so that above the age of 18.
So they buy court order. They were, they were not into, you know, they, they could do whatever they want. Um, And so high school, I was more kind of be being the peacekeeper, creating that bridge. And then a lot of things changed in college. I think in college, you know, I, my parents realized that I was becoming an adult and moving on and, and continuing on.
And, and between high school oncology, you start to gain an interest in, in the ladies. Right? Sure. So, you know, and you're like, oh, you know, that's that girl's really cute or, wow. That girl's funny. And so you get gain an interest and it's, for me, it felt like it felt awkward. Like dating was an awkward thing to me because my parents were divorced.
It wasn't, it wasn't normal for me, you know, it's like, okay, how does this work? It, it doesn't make sense. I don't even know what you would do. How would you talk to someone until like, Hey, I, I like you. I wanna date you. Um, mm-hmm so it. Do I just copy the movies you do. I just, you know, I think that's the closest thing, you know, to like somewhat of an intact that, right?
Yeah, exactly. Like Titanic, right? Oh my gosh. So romantic. Wow. You know, and, uh, you know, apart from like, obviously the, this scenes that you're not supposed to look at, but it was like, wow, this is what Love's supposed to, like, you're supposed to have, you know, charming and all that stuff. And sure. So it, it really, it really affected me in how to have a relationship with the opposite sex and also.
It's, it was awkward talking to my friends about it too, because my friends had their parents were together. So I felt like the weird friend who had parents were divorced and, you know, it's kind of a shame, a shame of it, right? Yeah. Um, there's a shame and, uh, that's how I felt. It's I kinda, you know, and then parents got brought up in a conversation.
I kind of just, you know, got a little bit red in the face. Um, and thankfully I'm Mexican, so the red doesn't show that much, you know, so, yeah, so it was like, okay, I'm blushing, but it's like, oh, I'm embarrassed. But you know, um, I don't think anybody can tell. I hope. And so. There's that them, you know, the shame be feeling ashamed and in college.
Yeah. It, it it's changed in the sense that, you know, I felt like my parents orbit of authority was not there anymore. So I felt like this immense sense of freedom of, wow, I'm, I'm free from the dysfunction of my family. I'm free from the dysfunction of having to be that the, I mean, still be the peacekeeper, but not like that's not my responsibility, not my responsibility to get through college and to, you know, move forward.
And I think one thing that my parents had in common that I think they saw eye to eye, but really didn't talk about it was, you know, makes something of yourself. Um, my parents are immigrants from Mexico, so their dream, you know, the American dream, right. Yeah. Is to have your kids grow up, go to college, you know, have a career be successful in that way.
That, that was like a common strain, which was, which was good to see, you know, in, in that I think coming from a divorced family that can, for me, that really pushed me into like, oh, this is the thing I can cling on. I can cling onto being a good student. I could clinging onto getting the good grades and, and feeling on accomplished and feeling the, the feeling of, oh man, people are looking at me.
I think coming from a big family, you're just kind of striving for that attention. Right. Having good grades and being successful was one way of getting that attention from family, from friends. And so I worked, I worked my butt off, you know, and apart from obviously like, yeah, you're paying a lot for college, so you better, you better get the grades.
Yeah. Yeah. So it's so interesting. Yeah, no, it is such a good thing to work hard and to succeed. That's not a bad thing, but I agree. I think that we can maybe place too much of our. in our accomplishments, especially as men, I think we have that tendency, but mm-hmm, coming from a broken family. I've noticed that in people too, it's like, well, I don't find my worth in my value from my parents or from my family, or maybe even from God.
So I'm just gonna find it in sports or how much money I can make or how successful I can be in school or business, or, you know, whatever, like CrossFit or right. Anything like fill in the blank. You kind of look to that as you're defining characteristic as the thing that gives you worth, it gives you value.
Yeah. It's sad because the danger obviously with that is if that were to be taken away or maybe change in some way, then it can be really difficult to come to terms with like, oh, well, I don't really know who I am now, so I totally get that. And I, to this day, I've gotten better at it, but to this. Um, my dad was very much so he was very hard worker mm-hmm I admire that about him a ton.
We all got that characteristic, which I, I definitely appreciate. Yeah. Yeah. It's sad to me kind of seeing how, uh, people in his generation, I don't wanna single him out. My mom's similar in a lot of ways. How they, you know, really clung onto their work as like their meaning in life. And I, yeah, I think there's smarter life than just that.
Yeah, exactly. A struggle. And I think that also plays into the Mexican culture of like your worth is how hard you work. And it's kind of paradoxical because yeah. Mexicans are, you know, we're very much about faith family, you know, and working hard and, or some people play like faith, family, and soccer, but sometimes soccer comes first.
Right. That before family . So nice. Yeah. So it's, it's like, there's that passion again, and working hard was like, again, that's the thing I onto. And that's the thing that I got from my, from my dad, um, as well. And let me, sorry. I'm trying to think where I was going with that actually. Um, working hard is.
That's where I got the attention again. Mexican and culture. Come back to attention. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. So mix, you know, Mexican cultures work hard and people appreciate that. They see the value in that and yes, it is valuable to work and to have be good at what you do. It almost became a little bit too much because it's like, Okay.
All we do is work, you know, when is it? So for me it felt growing up like, oh man, I go to my dad's house and I work and I come to my mom's house and I kind of relax, but there's like work in emotional work and trying to like, okay, don't try to argue with my mom. Or, you know, don't try to like trigger her.
Yeah. So it was work. It was work, definitely a lot of work and, and then college was totally free. So. Okay. No, that makes sense. Yeah. It's, it's so interesting how that could be a way of coping. Just, I mean, that's basically all we're saying now. And I remember in college. Yeah. Just those of who listened to the podcast, you know, that my parents separated and they were apart for a while.
And then they actually got back together, which was good. It was, their marriage was still broken. There was definitely dysfunction and struggles at home, but it was better that they were, um, together, but then later they got divorced. And so the time I was in college, It actually was away for my first semester mm-hmm and things were definitely rough before that and, you know, over the summers and stuff.
But, uh, my first semester at college, I got a call that my parents were getting divorced. It was like, I kinda lost touch with home a little bit being my first semester away. Mm-hmm and, um, that was definitely difficult to swallow. And I remember, I think the next day I had like an accounting test and, um, so it was like kind of difficult to study, but at the same time, I just buried myself in it and school became a way to yeah.
Just kind of cope. And, uh, I think I not, I'm not boasting Benny means here. I think I like aced the test, which to me, like after I got the score back, I'm like, that's really weird. Like you just got really heavy news and you just like did really well in this test, like better than maybe I normally would do.
Right. So, um, so anyway, it definitely was kind of insightful for me to see like, okay, this is like one of the ways that I cope. It's just good to know moving forward. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, going to, for those of you, you know, mine, mines is definitely. Get in your books and dig in and you know, it's nonstop.
And I just loved it. I loved it because, you know, homework, didn't talk back to me, guess what homework didn't test. Didn't, you know, didn't obviously it told you your faults, you know, but it wasn't like a verbal, you know, emotional type of thing. So I was like, this is like, perfect. You know, just work hard, keep working, you know, the more hours you put it.
Oh man. I'm working hard. Okay. I get better grades. So the input I get is equal to almost the output in some sense. Yeah, totally. So, yeah. I, I just, I was just engulfed in it and just everything, everything around college was just, I loved, you know, I loved being around people and my age and not have to worry about going home.
Right. Yeah. So, yeah, it was great. Yeah. No, I, I hear you. It's tough. You know, it's yeah. It, it's definitely not easy to deal with like the trauma, the dysfunction. And so if we can find escapes. Then we, we usually take them. Yep. You know, the, some are definitely unhealthy than others, but I think that one certainly can turn into an unhealthy thing and I, I know mine did, but at the same time, there are worse ways of coping
Yeah. So, uh, I think that's important to say, but, um, one of the, one last thing I was gonna say on that is one of the counselors to whom we refer people are restored. I was talking to her once and she said that school was like a vacation from the emotional side of her brain. Mm. So it was almost like she didn't need to, you know, deal with all those heavy feelings.
It was like, oh, I can just use my mind, like the more logical, functional side of my brain that just focus on like solving problems or learning and, and, uh, so it can certainly be yeah, just a way of coping, right? Yeah, definitely. That's a great way to put it was a vacation for, for that part. And you know, another way that I coped was.
Yeah, just getting praised from friends too. Once when, if I didn't get praised for my family, I try to get praised from friends and try to do the best that I can and trying to be a leader. And so it's, it was, um, it was, it was definitely some, uh, a good experience, but another part of it too, with the coping that I had to do besides that was one of 'em was like partying a little bit.
Sure. And so going to there and just hanging out with more friends, you know, this fun. Cool. Yeah, that totally makes sense. So turning to relationships, which definitely are a lot more difficult in my opinion than school . Yep. How, uh, how did you see your parents' divorce? Their broken marriage affect your dating relationships and your now.
My dating dealerships weren't much at all. there were short births, more like fireworks that burnt out after you'd gotten, you know, somewhat in there. It was, it was just very short lived again. I, I, I think carrying it on from high school was like, I, I didn't know what I was doing. Um, obviously didn't have the end in mind.
Right. It was more so I'm just having fun trying to date. And yeah, there were certain times when I was like, okay, I wanna be serious potentially, you know, and find a spouse. But at the end of the day, it was more like my heart wasn't completely in it to take it to the, you know, to see the, the seriousness of dating and going into marriage.
And yeah, I, I remember just every breakup, almost every breakup that I had, it was, it was kinda. , it was very heart wrenching. You know, even though we were dating for a few weeks, you know, or a week or a month, it was like, wow, this really hurts. And, um, that, that, that was a great brokenness that I realized that, wow, like I'm very affected by this and I don't know what to do about it.
And it was weird because it's like, well, wait, we didn't get in that deep. And maybe I just went in too much. And you know, maybe I tried to love this person in a very romantic way, but they weren't reciprocate in the same level. Um, yeah. So it was just, yeah. Kind of hurtful in the end. Yeah. No, that totally makes sense.
I always had a very fair sense of loyalty to the girls. I dated yes. To the point where it was like really difficult for me to break up in fact. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, any relationship that got off the ground for me that ended was not initiated by me. Like it wasn't ended by me, I should say. There were some relationships where from the outset, I was like, no, I, you know, I'm not gonna get into this, but the ones that did get serious.
Yeah. I, I almost felt like it was a divorce. Yeah, exactly. Like it felt like it was almost repeating what I saw in my parents' marriage. And so I felt that heaviness too. And I don't think that's strange for people like us. I think that's pretty common. Mm-hmm um, for different reasons, obviously there's the trauma side in your brain, like recognizes this as like similar to that.
And so you feel those emotions as that memory is triggered, but on the other side, yeah, we do. I think we do take marriage and relationships more seriously. And so when they do fall apart, it's not like this small thing, little deal. It's like, okay, this, this starts this as serious. Right? Exactly. Yeah. It, it was, you know, and, and they would last too.
It that's the thing I realized it would last. And going back to that loyalty, you it's like, oh no, maybe I can get 'em back. You know, maybe I could put 'em back. Right. Sure. And, uh, Laughing about it now. Um, but like Eddie, you were, you were that good of a guy back the man yourself, go back in time and like slap yourself.
Right, exactly. A do. Yeah, there you go. Right now it's a Chevy volt, but yeah. so yeah, it was, yeah. It's nice to get, gets good gas mileage, but yeah, it was, it lasted. And after, after those things would break up, I, I try to like think ways of when I'm back or try to like good my lines and try to like work harder and, and work, you know?
Okay. It's like, okay, I'm gonna use this as motivation to be more successful because I equated in my mind. was okay. The more successful you are, the more likely chance of you being in a relationship, right. Mm-hmm the more likely chance of you keeping a girl, keeping a girl. Yeah. Wow. So, and, and that also stems from, I listen to, I listen to just the, the music that I listen to is just romantic.
And obviously Mexican, the Latin blood is like very romantic, right? Oh. You know, LA mariachi and Goya and all that stuff SAA. And so it was, that's awesome. It just fed into that. , you know, as good as it is, it fed into that too. And, and it develops the brokenness a little bit more. So. Yeah. No, no. I could see that.
And I think that's that way in a lot of places around the world, just the, yeah. You can certainly, um, attract people to more, if you have money or if you have some sort of success, it can be very attractive. So I don't think that's unusual at all. Let's get to marriage. If you would. How, how have you seen all this play out in your marriage?
Like how have you. The trauma from your family and just the ways in which that affected you, then kind of snowball into your own marriage. What sort of, as much as you're comfortable sharing, what sort of struggles, uh, have you dealt with there that you would largely attribute to that? I think how it affect my marriage is that I think the past sometimes lives in the present.
And that's to say that the way that I see my wife is kind of similar to how I see my mom, if that makes sense. A hundred percent. Yeah. And, and my, my wife told me not to embarrass her. So I've smiled yeah, no, no. Cut you soon. Yeah. You have an amazing woman. Like she's awesome. Appreciate that. And, and she, and so I see her and I'm like, oh, you know, it it's, how do I put this when she does things?
It, it, it triggers things in, in my, myself that that brings me back to like, oh, my mom is trying to. My mom did this similarly. So she's trying to like hurt me in some way. And I bring that to the present and I see that, you know, my wife is like, oh, she's trying to hurt me, but that's not her intention. So sure that lives currently now.
And that's how that's affected our marriage in that way. And the another side of it too, is sometimes, you know, we get disconnected and again, like she says something that I think she's trying to hurt me in my mind, but I know, you know, conscious, like I know she's not trying to make me angry and I, sometimes I'm not, not actually present to her needs at certain times.
So I kind of just either forget or, you know, it's, it's, it's a, it's a miscommunication. It's like, oh, I didn't know that this is what you meant. And a misinterpretation, maybe misinterpretation. Yeah. Yeah, totally. And with, yeah, miscommunications is right too, but everything you're saying makes me think of misinterpretation, cuz I do that a lot with my wife too.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. I like, you know, it's like, oh she's like, no, no I didn't mean to, I didn't mean it that way. It's like, oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. You know, so it's, it's that wasn't an insult. That was actually right. You just expressing myself or something. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I think too, the ways that it's affected is, is culturally too.
You know, my, my wife is not Mexican, so there's, but she speaks Spanish, but she speaks Spanish better than I can. Yeah. oh really? Wow. Wow. Way better than I can actually. Wow. Wow. That's so interesting. So it it's, it's great. But then sometimes she's like, no, no, Eddie. That's not how you say you say like this and it's like, okay, you're a white girl.
yeah, exactly.
that's awesome. It's so I'm like
what did you say to me? No. Um, so it there's, there's a cultural thing too of, oh, like she doesn't get, like, this is how I speak, you know, it's like, when I'm very passionate, like, you know, passion, the, the passion comes out and it's like, you get louder and louder and louder. And then it's like, it's like, wait, are you, are you, why are you angry?
It's like, oh no, no, that's just, I'm not angry. That's just, just how I talk, you know, it's just how we talk. Right. And to my family, it's normal. But to her, it. Why are you, why are you pissed off? I'm like, oh no, I'm not. Yeah. , just passionate. I'm really passionate about this. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And so there's a little bit of a struggle of like, oh man.
Just like, feel, can you feel the passion when you know that I have, you know? And she's like, no, no, I know what's her nationality. Yeah. What's that? What's her nationality. Um, American, but she's like her, her background is English. Sorry. Ethnicity. Yeah. Ethnicity. Yeah. English. English. Okay. Yep. So yeah. Very different.
very different. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so I, you know, it's, the, the jokes are different. The way we express things are different. The, the brokenness that I, that I have is like the constant, I think the way it say it's like constant fear of, oh man, did I really mess this up? Did I really break this relationship?
Did, did I do something that would, is this the final straw for you? Mm yeah. Is this the final straw is, you know, when are you gonna break? When, when are you gonna be done with me? When are you gonna. is this too much for you? Am I too much to handle at this point? And so that has played into a lot of our, our arguments and also in a, in a very, very real way.
Like I realized, I realized like her, her unbroken ness of how, like she has a good family, her parents are together and it's like, yeah, I, I was like, oh wow. Like, I can kind of see how far away from the cross that I am, you know, like how unperfect that can be, you know? And, and so it's, uh, me too. It's it's like, whoa, crap.
I'm, I'm really outta my game here. I'm at I'm outta my element. Like, I, I don't know if I could level with, I can be, you know, am I even on the same level as you, because you're more compassionate, I'm less compassionate. You're more loving. I'm, I'm kind of less loving, you know, and so sure. I see the virtues that she has and the, the lack of virtues that I have.
Well, yeah, no, I totally see that in my nurse too. And especially when I'm at my worst, it's like, man, yeah. I just don't feel worthy in a lot of ways. Yeah. And yeah, it's, it's really, it's tough because like you said, that fear, which I think all of us feel who come from broken families is like, well, when's my marriage gonna fall apart.
And when's my divorce gonna happen. Almost feels inevitable. Even if we can't put it into words, a lot of people can't, mm-hmm, like, you're very articulate about your story, but a lot of people, you know, maybe haven't put it into words like this yet that they can, but it takes time. And, um, yeah, I think a lot of us feel that it's like, oh, it it's almost like this is inevitable.
Like eventually my spouse will leave me. They'll see that I'm not as good as maybe they thought I was, they'll see the real broken me, like all my struggles that I don't show everyone else. they're gonna see that and they're gonna be gone. Exactly. Yeah. Terrifying. It is very terrifying. It's it's, uh, it's almost like death, you know, it's like the fear of death.
Right. Feel fear of dying if, if I could put it that way. And I, I, one thing I would like to say too, is that yeah. Yeah. It took me. I thank you for, you know, saying that I'm, I, I don't feel like I am articulate, but maybe I just talk a lot, but you know, or repeat myself, the Mexican thing is we repeat ourselves.
There you go. um, and so. I, it took me a while to articulate what was going on, because I didn't know what was going, what these feelings were. It's like, how do I, how do I, how can I put these? How can I put words to these tears that I'm feeling, you know, and these tears that I'm running down my face. I don't know.
I don't know what the words are. I don't know which the right words. And it took me a while to, you know, I'm definitely not perfect, but it's, it's getting better at that. Yeah. And one tip for everyone listening. If you feel yourself in a similar situation, cuz I've been there too. I like the same. Uh, you kind of need to sit with certain struggles or feelings for a bit before you're able to.
Figure them out or articulate them. And I think that's kind of frustrating in our world because we live in a very instant gratification culture where we're like, we see a problem. We wanna buy something on Amazon to solve that problem and be done with it. Um, that's not the way that it works with your emotions and relationships, so it can be difficult, but I I've definitely, that's one of the tactics.
I think that's been really helpful for me, which has even been healing in a lot of ways. It's just, okay. When those uncomfortable emotions, when those things I can't even put into words happen, I just need to sit with it for a while. Mm-hmm and that could be really uncomfortable, but if there's a way to be, get comfortable with the uncomfortableness and that's been really helpful for me and maybe kind of detach yourself a little bit and not act from that place, which can be really hard, especially if emotions are high.
Exactly. But if you're able to do that, um, in time, what I've seen is that you will be able to put it into words and get more of a grasp on it. Even if it doesn't happen right away. Anything to add to that? Yeah. I definitely definitely agree with all that. Um, it takes a while and it takes patience with yourself to not act on those.
I know I've acted on it through pornography, you know? Yeah. As another coping mechanism, I've acted on it through music, you know, just all the music that I can listen to. That that makes me feel better about my situation. And mm-hmm or even just talking back, you know, talking back to my parents, you know, and even though it's UN obviously unwarranted at times, so yeah.
That's um, having that, that patience to know that it, it does come, you, you know, being able to know what you're feeling does come and it's hard. Yeah. It's hard. Yeah, no, it is. For sure. Going back to, um, one thing you said is just how the past, sometimes live in the pre lives in the present. That's just so insightful.
So good. And couldn't agree with that more. And I've struggled with that in my own marriage as well. I wanna shift gears a little bit to healing. So we are a couple things, a few things. That you found helpful in coping and healing with everything that happened in your family? For me, it was in college. I had a reversion back to the Catholic faith.
Faith did not play a big role. And, um, I know some people were listening or not have faith and, or, you know, not Christian, but I think that's something that, that does a mechanism for me. And that really just kind of kickstarted my whole heal healing process and had surrounded myself with good friends. Um, I think that was, uh, my on, uh, definitely necessary for the pathway to create that pathway.
Two healing, surrounded myself as good friends. I had good friends in high school that were, had my back and I'm very grateful and we're still friends til today and I'm very grateful for them. And, uh, in, in, in college it's hard cuz we did not go all, we didn't all go to the same college. Right. So sure. Um, yeah.
So surrounding yourself with good friends that are there was really, really helpful and I'd say so that good friends. For me, faith, faith was a big part of it. And then also just actually trying to, how do I put it, trying to work on myself, you know, and realize, I think realizing was my brokenness was a big part of my healing is realizing that I am broken and that it is possible to be healed.
That was like huge for me to, to realize that it's possible too, to get out of this rut. It takes some convincing. It's not always immediately apparent to a lot of people cuz we, we definitely doubt that you know, our situation in life or the way that we feel or whatever we're struggling with. We're kind of stuck in mm-hmm we can feel that.
So that's like as minor as it might seem to certain people it's like, that's huge. Just even the belief that no, I can change. I can grow. I can heal. I can. Be a better person tomorrow than I am today. I can build a better life than maybe the life that I came from. And, and that's revolutionary for a lot of people, even if they're not totally conscious of that, that's a real struggle of just feeling stuck and feeling like a victim constantly and just never believing that it's even possible to rise up from them.
Yeah. And, and I'd say that part. And also another thing that helped me with my healing is seeing my parents heal and what, and here's what I mean by that is like after college, I, I, I made an effort to really, to recognize that yes, it can be healed and to act on it and. Though it's not guaranteed. Uh, I knew it wasn't guaranteed, but I gotta give it a shot to, to try to heal and to try to try things out, you know?
And one of 'em, I I'll give you a couple examples, two examples that were really huge for me. My mom, I remember my mom called me, you know, just upset and you know, and she had to the point where I, I, I got tired of my mom called me every time my mom called me. It was like, oh man, like, what does she want now?
Crap. What happened to who? I mean, who's doing what? And, um, yeah, so it was, it was hard to, to answer that phone call. Um, it was really hard and, but out of love and out of maybe out of muscle memory, I up, you know, my phone rings, so got okay. Yeah. Who green, you know? And so it was. It was that in my, my mom's, you know, I think I got, I got the end of it and I was like, you know, my mom, I, it's just really hard for me to, to talk to you sometimes because of all the things that happened.
And then she told me something that really hit me hard was like, well, I'll never call you again then. And I was like, oh, and that dropped me to my knees. I thought, I thought I was gonna be okay with her just saying, okay, then I won't call you. But then when I heard it from her words come from her mouth, I dropped my knees and I felt so bad.
I felt, wow. I felt like cry. And I did cry. And I was like, oh shoot. That's I'm actually not okay with that. Yeah. So from that point, I made an effort to, to, to work on that relationship with my mom. And it got to the point where she said, Hey, you know, we're having a big conversation again. And uh, she said, please forgive me for everything that, that I've done.
So that was huge for her, you know, and, uh, to step forward that way I admire that while. Yeah. And, and years passed and I was like, hold on. Okay. I, I got back to, cause it takes me a while to. To, to internalize everything. It takes me long. My wife will tell you, it's like, oh, you take forever to just think about things, move, move on.
You know, another part of the brokenness, you know? And yeah. And so I, I, I made a point and I said, okay, I'm gonna go to my mom's house. I'm gonna drive up. And I need to, I need to know exactly what she's asking for forgiveness for, because it's not very clear to me. So I sat her down and my sister was like, Hey, I need you here as a witness because I can get passionate.
And my Spanish isn't that good as my wife knows. And so I need you to interpret if you need, if you need, uh, if you can please. And sure. Wow. Uh, she said, okay, and this is my older sister. And, and luckily she was home from, um, Mexico, just visiting. And I said, mom, no, you call me on this day. And you said, please forgive me, forgive anything, but I need you to, I need to know exactly what you need for forgiveness for specifically.
So either way I know what I'm forgiven you for because that's too vague for me. And she said, okay, well, I forgive you for this, please forgive me or sorry, please forgive me for this. And I said, okay, mom, I forgive for that. What's next? I said, okay, I please forgive me for this. You know, but forgive me for out times that I've hurt you.
And the times that I've, you know, wasn't a good parent. Okay. I forgive you for that. Please forgive me for, um, not meeting your needs. Okay. I forgive you for that. You know, so that was like huge. And I saw from that she, she was healing from that point. So that was good for me to see her healing, because then I said, I think I'm moving forward on something here.
And then the second story I would say is, um, that's huge is Krishan had this thing called rise and mm-hmm, where, you know, you kind of, it's like a manly thing where you try to do things that are like, you know, manly, like in one of 'em, one of the tasks was okay, write a letter to your dad about why, what you're grateful for.
And I, and I sat on that. I was like, well, I started writing letter. I'm like, well, I could write it like and say, yeah, dad, you're good at this, but you really sucked at this. Mm. You know, and, or, Hey dad, you really, you're great at this. You sucked at this, you know, and continued that on in that letter. But then I was like, you know what?
This is. This has to be a letter of why I'm grateful for. And, and I wrote that letter in Spanish and I forgot to give it to him until the one day that I remembered is actually his birthday. And I was like, oh, Hey dad, I got some for you. Cause he was in my car. Meaning to give it to him. He's in the, he is in the, uh, the console.
So my there grabbed it. He was my dad, my stepmom, my one of my younger brothers and my dad read it out loud in Spanish. And I had, did use Google translate on a couple of words. so he read it out loud and he, and he said, wow, this is,
he said, wow, this is one of the best letter. This one, this is the best P I've ever gotten. And then he said, take your time here. Yeah. After, after he read it, he said, you know, son,
I've never told your grandpa that grandfather, that I loved that I love him. Never. I've never told that. and then he said, and this is like the kick who he said, but today I will call him and tell him that I love him. And I was like, wow, I never knew that my dad and my grandpas, I feel like they're very close, but my dad's also from that generation of stern, but loving, right.
Don't really show much, uh, motion to your, to your kids. And mm-hmm . And so that, that was huge. Ever since that day, I think my dad started, you know, healing. He started going back to church as Mexican, you know, big, big, you know, SOGE Catholics, you know, and yeah. And so he, he went back and started his own healing journey too.
And, you know, and then I, I see that change now and that, that his healing, again, caused kind of further resonated with me and, and held me to heal even more and, and get me to the place where I'm like, okay, it's not perfect, but. But today it's good. And so that was, that was the thing that, that really just propelled me into, into that.
Okay. I feel the love of my parents. Again. I, you know, I tell 'em that I love 'em and I think that's probably one of the best gift I give 'em to my dad is just to, to forgive him. And, and same with my mom too, is to feel 'em like, Hey, you know? Yeah. I, I forgive you. So that, that was huge. Yeah. Wow man. So moving it just like gives me the chills and I get why you're so emotional talking about it.
It's definitely heavy stuff and really beautiful stuff. And the lesson I take away from what you're telling all of us is that your own healing, your own growth can have this effect on your family, where they then pursue their own. Which in turn can help you heal even more. Yeah. Which is really beautiful.
Yeah. And, uh, I think something super encouraging, cuz a lot of times we feel like there's nothing good that we can do with this thing in our life, our broken family, that's just so messed up or so dysfunctional. It's like, what do I even do with this? We often just run from it. Mm-hmm um, so I think it's just so inspiring and beautiful that.
you know, in whatever amount of control you have, you're helping to change that, to heal that, to transform that, which has just meant so much, uh, admiration to you for that. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. It's it's, you know, it wasn't anything big. It was just something small that I I could do as, as you said, is what's what could I do that, that is from me, from generally from me that I could give yeah.
Give to them. Yeah. So good. Obviously, you know, you're still working on your own growth as we all are. Um, and you're always healing in additional ways, but how is your life different now that you've at least been on this path, uh, of healing and growth compared to how it was before? Yeah. It's, it's different now.
Yeah. Obviously definitely work progress. My, my wife will see that she. Just remember your rookie progress. yeah. no, no, we, we actually only bring people on who are like, perfect. So, oh, shoot. You're you're actually not supposed to be here. Yeah. What's let me pull out this mask. no, it's it's uh, it's definitely.
Yeah, definitely. My wife's helping me grow. Definitely. For sure. She's helping me grow in, in, in, in compassionate, in love and patience. So it's, it's really great to have her to be married to her. I'm very blessed in that way and it's different now because I can see a way forward. I can see like, oh yeah, I can be patient.
I can just be a little bit more patient. Yeah. Not the perfect amount of patients, but I can just be a little bit more patient. Okay. Today I can be a little bit more loving, not big steps, obviously nothing grand, grand spectacular, you know, fireworks, you know, and, but just little things that I'm, I'm growing in.
And, um, and it's, it's allowed me to see like, okay, I can, I can do this. I I've done this before. You know, I've I can, I can be a little more patient. I can love more. I can be more patient with my own family. And it's, it's, it's, uh, it's very hopeful, I guess. Yeah. That's something I lacked a lot of is hope.
Got it. And now you feel now I feel hopeful. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I could like see it in your face. That's awesome, man. So good. Yeah. And yeah, it's hard to describe like the misery and like the despair beforehand. I've been there too. Yeah, it's horrible. Yes. It's the worst. Yep. So when you contrast hope with that, it's like, oh my.
Like it's just night and day. And it's just so, so much better. I was about to just say that it's night and day. Yeah, yeah. And, uh, da Notcha, you know, and so it it's been, it's been good. And, and also I'd say another thing too, is it's different in the sense that you, I can actually talk, you know, my wife and I can talk, sit down and actually have a, a cordial conversation and just say, okay, here's, here's what annoyed me this week and okay.
How, you know, here's, here's why, here's why that made me feel this way. And I, and she gets to know me a little bit better and love me a little bit more because she sees like, oh, it's not me. It's actually something that happened in the past. That's affecting you now. Okay. I can see that now. It's not, it's not me necessarily.
It's just, this is what, what comes up for you. And she can see the same way too and say like, yeah, you know, when you do this, you reminding me of this, you know, and how I was starting to pass in the same way, um, similar way. So that's been, that's been great, you know, and not, not taking that. Outside into, you know, what I used to do is like gossip, right.
And like, sure. Oh. Especially in big family, it's like, oh, you know, sister. So, and so did this like, oh my gosh, can you imagine that? Whoa. You know, so, or like, you know, oh man, like tell me more about that. And so, yeah, I think keeping being able to keep it within our marriage in between my wife and I has been beautiful as there's a saying in, in, in Spanish that says, goes like this LA Paia se limpian dirty clothes are washed at home.
Hmm. Not anywhere else. They're washed dirty clothes are washed at home and that's where you wash your clothes. Hmm. If your clothes are dirty wash at home, So that's been, that's been very helpful for me. Yeah. Again, not nothing spectacular or big, but just little things every week. Yeah. Every week. Yeah.
Yeah. If you continue. Um, I just finished the book atomic habits by James clear. Have you read that? I have not yet. Okay. No, it's, it's a good one. Um, I'm sure some people listening have some haven't if you haven't. I definitely recommend it. We'll throw it in the show notes, but, um, such a good book. He just makes building like good habits, super, super practical.
And I, I love what he does, cuz we try to do a lot of the same things. We try to make healing very practical and very simple. One of the things he says though is like a 1% improvement, like every day or every week or every month, you know, some short time period over time, if you continue making those 1% improvements, you will change your life.
Yeah. But a lot of people think of, um, growth and healing as like this big monumental thing that has to happen on a dime, like one in this one moment, my life needs to. Transformed. It's not how it works typically. No, maybe in rare cases it might look like that, but usually not usually it's like this everyday kind of boring little tweaks of getting better at this, getting better at that.
And you know, one of the things that I'm working on now is like trying to be humble. Like I'm a prideful person, prideful man. And, uh, trying to be humble. It's really hard. It's hard. Like not to maybe talk about yourself, it's hard not to kind of lash out when you feel like someone's insulting you. It's hard not to be maybe arrogant at times for me.
And so, uh, yeah, but, but if I could just make a 1% improvement just in being a little bit more humble today than I was yesterday, or this week than I was last week, um, over time, I'm actually probably gonna be a humble person. You know what I mean? Yes. And it will just become more second nature that virtual will be integrated into my character.
So, um, so that's a great healing principle too. It's like those little things, those little steps are where it's at, not the big grand things. Exactly. And, and that's where I think that's where I got full too. And I was younger watching. Movies is, you know, it's like, oh, this big radical change. That's what I need in my life is this, this one monumental moment that just changes my whole perspective.
And it wasn't, it was small steps that no one really noticed. No one noticed that I was being a little bit more compassionate. But for me, that was huge. That was, I mean, being one point, 1% more compassionate is huge stuff for me, you know, in some sense. And, uh, it, well, when I say a huge step, it means like, it takes a lot of effort that no one sees, like, you don't see how much it takes for me to not talk back.
right. Yeah. me too. To tell you that that tortilla is overcooked he's not talking to mechanic. No, Nope. You do. You did just perfectly right. Temperature every time. Yeah, there you go. No, no, no, me too. It's like, it's hard not to get defensive when conflict comes up. It's like, yeah, but I want to get defensive.
I really do. And it's just, if I can hold off a little bit. Or even together, it's like, that's great. But if I can't hold off altogether, just like at least maybe not say what I was intending to say that would maybe be nasty or, you know, come across the wrong way, but just a little bit better. And so if you continue to do that, It can make a world of a difference.
And I know, you know that as an engineer. Yeah. Like that continuous improvement all the time is great in the business world and right. But any area of life. So those of you sitting around just speaking right now, if you're listen, you're listening to this right now. If you're the type of person, um, who's kind of sitting around waiting for something monumental to happen, um, stop
And I say that in all the love in the world, like, I love you guys. Like, I, I really do. And we do this for you, but just, yeah, don't wait for that. Instead. Focus on one little thing that you can do today, tomorrow that will help move you toward the person you wanna become toward that healthy whole virtuous happy person that you want to be.
And those little things just keep out those little things. Don't do things that are big, do do the small things. And then in time you'll be able to do the, the bigger things and the progress you make will just be incredible when you kinda look back over time. But don't think too much on that. So don't stop waiting for something huge to happen, work on the little stuff.
yeah, that's, that's perfect. It perfectly said. And definitely, you know, give it a shot, give it a try. You know, you, you might surprise yourself. I didn't expect my dad to call my grandpa up and tell him that, you know, I, I didn't expect my dad or my mom to finally feel at peace. You know, I, I just expected, Hey, this is what I need to do for myself.
And I think it could help, you know, I'm trying to give something to them and I'm not expecting anything big, just trying to do, trying to do a small, I think a small thing. Yeah. And see what, see what happens. That's amazing, man. I really admire that if your parents were listening right now, what would you wanna say to them?
What would you want them to know? I would want to know that I love them. You know, our whole family loves them. We'll always protect you. Um, when you get older and, uh, you know, we, we will try our best, um, to be more patient. And, uh, I think also I want them to know that. That all their labor, all their hard work for all the kids was not in vain.
And that, that there there's, there's always a way for those who I know who, who, you know, were not religious, but there's always a way. And, and, uh, and for, for us, you know, following, you know, Jesus Christ and, and if we be follow Trump, we should act like it. Right. so it it's for us. It's like that, that's, that's the, the main, main thing is that, you know, mom and dad will, you know, there's always a way there's always a way to figure things out.
There's always that discussion to happen, or there's always a conversation we can have. Beautiful. Yeah. No, I love it, man. I did wanna ask you, before we close down the show, how has restored in particular been helpful, uh, for you, you know, you've been clear with me on that you found the podcast helpful on different things, but, um, yeah.
I'm curious how you would put in your own words then. Yeah. Such a supporter of the work that we're doing. I'm just so grateful for that. But yeah. How, how has it helped you? Yeah, no, I'm glad to help. And it's an honor and, you know, for, for McKen and I to help out, cuz we know this is something that's very needed in our world right now.
And, um, it's helped me in, in, in various ways. You know, it helps me in, in sharing the ministry with others and it's helped me to have a good conversation and, and open things up and, and uh, say like, Hey, you know, there's a way, there's a way to, through this, you know, there's, there's something out there for us and this it's restored ministries.
And I know that, you know, with the book that, that has helped, I gave it to my, my younger brother who, who left, you know, with my mom and I, and, and uh, I think I told you, like, you know, I, I hope he's read it. I don't know if he has or not. At least there's something that's out there that says, Hey, there, there is just something for us who, from children of divorce.
That's I think recognizing that, that, that this is a thing it's, that's a fir good first step. I think also too is just, you know, listening to the podcast says help me see different perspectives and pull out different gems as well, you know? And that's helped us, me, me and McKenna and, and let's say, okay, we could probably do that.
Let's try that. You know, or, or I'd say for myself, it's like, oh, okay. I can try to be patient more patient that way. And, uh, just seeing people's different perspectives and know that yeah, it's, didn't just happen to me. It's, it's pretty, unfortunately pretty common and it's not something to be necessarily ashamed.
So, so good. Yeah. No, thank you, man. So thanks so much. Yeah. And I found it helpful too, which is funny, cuz like I host this podcast, but no, literally listening to guests like you, I learned so much and if you guys were watching me right now, I have like a whole page full of notes from this interview, just learning so much and it's it's so, um, helpful for me as well.
So thank you. Um, for, yeah, just being so supportive and then also coming on the show, um, I just came to mind, I put episode 22 that writing exercise. I remember you reached out to me about that. Do you remember that it's like that writing exercise where you're kind of writing to your younger self? I don't know if that as well.
Yeah, I yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you mind, do you wanna talk about that for a second? I'm just curious how that went for you. Yeah. I actually it's been a while. So forgive me for not, not remembering clearly I can jog your memory a little bit. Yeah, yeah. If you can. Yeah. Yeah. I remember you reached out and just, um, I think you texted me and you're like, yeah, that was like.
Crazy helpful and emotional. And that it was the same for me. Like it brought me to tears and you're a man you're really manly, dude. If people don't know you, but yeah. I brought me to tears. I remember you telling me, like brought you to tears to yeah. That, okay, thank yeah. Now that, that does ring up more.
Cause I remember the tears part yeah. Fair enough. Yeah, no, it was, it was, um, it was awesome. It it's, it opened up so many things for, for me and things that I've been holding onto that have been in the back of my mind that I've I went into that dark room, so to speak and, and looked at, finally looked at what was going on.
And that was, that brought me into tears. Cause it's kinda like, well, Hey, you know, this has happened. And when I was riding it, it was like, whoa, man. You know, talk to myself again and just showing that love and compassion that I didn't have before growing up was huge. And just say you're okay. Here's if you know, here's how, here's how mom and dad should have said this, here's how mom and dad should have loved you.
That was huge for me. Um, and that's what brought me to tears. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, man, me too. That was like a tough yeah. Exercise to go through, but you got great healing tactic. Yes. And so willing to that show again, that's episode 22, it's a 10 minute episode, I think maybe a little bit more, and it just walks you through this exercise that I learned from a counselor, from a psychologist.
Um, that's really helpful. And just helping you heal and helping you kind of go back in time and talk to that younger self, which it might sound kind of weird, just hearing it, but give it a listen. And it's actually a really helpful, uh, writing exercise. Thank you so much, man, for coming on the show. If people want to get in touch with you, what's the best way to do that.
Yeah, they can reach out to me through my Gmail at Ervan 89, gmail.com. And then I'll spell that out for you. E C E R V as in Victor, a N T eighty9@gmail.com. Sounds great. We'll throw that in the show notes as well. Again, really appreciate you coming on, being so vulnerable. Uh, you and McKen are amazing. And, uh, and your baby Lola, right?
Yeah. Lola. Yeah. Lola. She's so adorable. so happy for you guys. So it's, it's just beautiful to see you coming from brokenness and then building something better. And, and that's, I think such a, on the note of hope, that's so hopeful and if you can do it, we all can do it. Yeah. It's so good. So thank you so much for coming on.
I want to give you the last word. What would you say to anyone listening right now who feels really broken, um, who feels stuck in life because of all the trauma they've been through in their family because of their parents broken marriage. Yeah, I I'd like to say, um, we, you know, I'm in that same place I was in that same place and still kind of am.
I know that it's hard to see through the directness and through the weeds, so to speak. But if, if you can see around the weeds and see, give it something to try, even if it's small something small, something really small and give it a shot, you might surprise yourself. No expectations obviously. And just, just say, Hey, I'm doing this for myself, doing this for my own healing.
And, and know that. There's people out there like restored ministries. There's definitely counselors. I've seen counselors as well. So there's that. And then also, I, one thing that was huge is just having friends to talk to and, uh, and yeah, just give it a try. You never know what, what might happen.
So many great lessons in that episode. A few questions for you to chew on, to think about one. Do you need to write a letter or have maybe a conversation with one of your parents and what's the smallest step that you can take today on that? Like, what's the smallest thing that you can do to move that forward and then just do it, make a plan and do.
Eddie mentioned my book titled it's not your fault, a practical guide to navigating the pain and problems from your parents' divorce. And the sad truth is that for a lot of teens and young adults, the most traumatic thing that they've endured is their parents' separation or divorce, but nobody shows them how to handle all the pain and the problems that stem from their family's breakdown.
And without that guidance, they continue to feel alone and struggle in serious ways with emotional problems, unhealthy coping relationship struggles and so much more. And I experienced these exact problems firsthand. I felt so alone. I didn't know who to turn to, and it really shouldn't be this way. My book, it's not your fault is an answer to that problem.
It features 33 questions and answers on the most pressing challenges face by teens and young adults who come from broken families, such as after my family broke apart, I felt abandoned, unwanted, inadequate, and even rejected. There's something wrong with me. What's your advice for navigating the holidays and other life events?
How do I avoid repeating my parents' mistakes and build a healthy marriage? And so many more questions. And the content itself is based on research, expert advice and real life stories. And after reading, it's not your fault. Teens and young adults are gonna learn how to handle the trauma of their parents' separation and divorce, how to build healthy relationships, how to overcome emotional pain and problems.
They'll learn healing tactics to help them feel whole again, they'll learn how to navigate their relationship with their parents, how to heal their relationship with God and how to make important decisions about their future. So if you wanna buy the book or even just get the first chapters for free, just go to ReSTOR ministry.com/books.
Again, ReSTOR ministry, ministry, singular.com/books. You can buy it for yourself or you can buy it for someone who, you know, needs the content in there. It needs the advice needs the guidance. Again, that's restored ministry.com/books, or just click on the link in the show notes. In this episode, we discussed how Eddie and his wife, McKenna are supporters of this ministry have restored.
And if you wanna help restored helping more young people from broken families to heal and grow and provide free content like this podcast, I'd love to speak with you. I'd love to have a conversation with you. And in that conversation, I'd share our vision, the amazing results we've seen and the investors pitch.
It's a 20 to 30 minute conversation. Plus, any time we spend chatting and meeting with me is not committing to investing in ReSTOR. It's just hearing the pitch. That's it. You can schedule a time with me at ReSTOR ministry.com/donate. Again, ReSTOR ministry.com/donate. Just click on the meet with Joey button and then schedule a time that's convenient for you.
Or you can simply email me@joeyrestorministry.com. Again, that's Joey ReSTOR ministry dot. The resources mentioned are the show notes@restoredministry.com slash 77. Thank you so much for listening. If this has been useful for you, feel free to subscribe. And if you know someone who really needs this message, who's really struggling from their parents' divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them.
Always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person that you were born to be.
