#074: Why Children of Divorce Learn to Act Like Chameleons | Craig Soto II
Often, people from broken families become very attuned to the needs of others, especially our parents and siblings. We become skilled at being what people want us to be. In the end, we often lose ourselves and our ability to articulate what we need and want.
In this episode, we discuss that problem as well as:
How normal was strange and strange was normal for our guest growing up
Why he became motivated to break the generational cycle of divorce in his family
How he felt like burden in his relationships, which made him feel the need to earn love and constantly prevent it from ending any moment
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Craig Soto II
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
So often people like us who come from broken families become very attuned to the needs of others, especially our parents and our siblings who become skilled at being what people want us to be. And in the end we often lose ourselves in our ability to articulate what we need and what we want. In this episode, we discussed that problem as well as how normal was strange and strange was normal for my guests.
Growing up, we talk about how he became motivated to break the cycle of divorce in his family that extends through generation. He shares, uh, the area of his life, where he struggled the most as a child of divorce. He talks about three things that helped him heal the most, including a really beautiful, married couple.
And he explains how he felt like a burden in his relationships, which made him feel the need to earn love and constantly prevent those relationships from ending at any moment. This is such a good and insightful episode. So keep listening,
welcome to the ReSTOR podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents' divorce separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is episode 74. My guest today is Craig Soto. Second Craig is, uh, Colorado native. He grew up in Colorado Springs before moving to golden, Colorado for college at the Colorado school of mines there, he received a degree in computer science and now works in the tech industry as a development manager.
After many years of working through the symptoms stemming from his parents' divorce, it wasn't until the past couple of years that he began focusing specifically on healing, the wounds that came from the divorce after hearing an early episode from this podcast for the last year, he's been volunteering to help other people who come from broken families with life, giving wounds, he's helped with the in person and online retreats, as well as helping to start a support group for people who have attended the retreat in Denver.
Craig also loves to host movie nights at his apartment play whiffle ball and watch hockey. He's a big Colorado avalanche fan, actually. And so without further to do here's my conversation with Craig soda. The second
Craig is great to be with you here. Thanks for coming on the show. Absolutely. No, thanks for having me, Joe. I appreciate it. You've been on the list to come on the show for a long time, so I'm glad we, uh, finally got to make this a reality. Um, I was curious about your name. Are you a junior? Uh, it's, it's funny.
Uh, so people ask me, you know, because I'm Craig, so the second, uh, I'm named after my dad and, uh, a lot of people, they, you know, they say, well, or is this supposed to be junior? And I say, actually on my birth certificate actually says the second. So technically I am named Craig. So the second. But, uh, even with that, like I looked up like rules for it and stuff.
And people always give some really goofy stuff, but when, whenever they kinda gimme too much crap, I always tell 'em we don't have John Paul Jr. We have John Paul second. So yeah. I've, I've always wanted to ask you that. So, no, that, that's interesting about the birth certifi goal. I know we're gonna be talking about a little bit of heavier topic than, uh, your name and, uh, I'd like to go to that now, if that's okay.
I'm curious, you know, what happened in your family when your parents separated and divorced and how old were you? Yeah, so, um, I was around like five or six when my parents divorced. Um, it was something that. Like, I don't remember a whole lot of like going through the divorce. I don't remember ever going to like court or anything.
You know, the, the only thing that I I do remember is just, you know, my parents not being together. Uh, and so, you know, just growing up, you know, my dad never, I never remember my dad like living at our house, but one of the really cool things that I, I really kind of look back on and just kind of realize is that, you know, my dad, you know, was, was, was still there.
You know, even though my parents divorced, you know, he was still involved in our lives, you know, you look back and can be kind of weird, you know, too, cuz sometimes my dad would come over in the morning to get us dress for school, you know? And it's just like, you know, but, but dad doesn't live here. You know, he, he lives somewhere else.
Right. And so it, you know, you kinda look at some of those things and it's strange, but at the same time, I, I really appreciate my dad's, uh, involvement in our lives. Even though my parents still divorce. Okay. No, that makes so much sense. And, uh, that probably was confusing to the younger, you though. I, I totally hear what you're saying.
Like that was a good thing that he made the effort to be present in your life, as opposed to what happens with some dads or moms too. They just kind of are completely, um, out of the picture. So, so no, I totally hear you on that, but what was that pretty confusing? Would you say for a five, six year old or I guess for the years I followed to, yeah.
You know, I, I think, uh, for me, like growing up, I, I don't know if I found it to be. Really confusing because for me that's just how it was. Um, you know, and, and so really, if anything, I, I found, you know, when both the parents were there, I felt like that was more strange than, than, you know, having, you know, one parent, you know?
And so it was kind of the opposite, you know, the normal was strange to me while the, the abnormal was, was normal. So, um, but you know, one of the, like, even some of the things that came from that though was, you know, like being able to like understand and how to, how to do things, right. There's a lot of times, you know, growing up that, you know, with my, with my family, like we really just, we really kind of just lived with a lot of it.
We lived with the, the strange. You know, there's even things where, uh, a lot of times I just kinda had it figured out on my own, you know, my, I have an older sister and so, you know, when, when my parents divorced, uh, my dad was working, my mom ended up taking up two jobs and stuff and, and she, you know, she was working a long time.
So, you know, for me, my sister is just us. And so, you know, um, for, for us, we were just in the home, you know, we weren't really kind of able to go outside a whole lot. And, uh, you know, it was just, it was just us kind of taking care of ourselves, you know, over, over time, you know, I really came to see like, that's, that's not normal, you know?
And so as I got older and I started to look back on those things, that's when I guess it really started to change for me to really see. Oh, other people don't do this and everything became strange as time went on. Okay. No, that makes so much sense. I love what you said. You said, um, normal was strange to you and strange was normal.
I think that's like such a great way to put it for so many of us. I think that's just reality. Right. And, and even to the point cracker, like where I've seen people almost not even recognize like completely miss the fact that something maybe was broken or kind of messed up in their family, because it was just like, well, this is just the way it's always been.
Yeah. It's like, it's like, you know, if you wore a hat all your life and then you took it off one day, it would be like, well, it's kind of strange to not wear a hat. It's like that second nature. And so. Yeah, I think, uh, one of the challenges I know we face in this nonprofit in this ministry is that, um, we're trying to show people that, you know, a lot of the struggles that they deal with today, the pain, the problems are intimately connected to the breakdown of their family, of their parents' marriage and their family.
But a lot of people like think a lot of times that their struggles are random and they certainly don't connect it to their family of origin, which is sad because I think that's a big barrier to healing and growth. And so, like you said, though, we, we kind of need to overcome that thinking that this is normal because in a lot of ways, it wasn't.
Yeah. And, and one of the things that I've. Really come to see is, you know, I I've been to counseling myself since, uh, what, maybe 2014, there's been like what? This is my fifth time around, you know, going to counseling. And every time I've gone, you know, there was something I was trying to focus on working on.
Right. Hey, there's this behavior, that's just that that's not healthy. I wanna work on that. I, I, I kind of grow in those areas, but it wasn't really until I think, you know, about January last year, um, that I had some stuff kind of going on in my life and it really just kind of really shook me up. And, and I really started to see like, Hey, there, there's something deeper here.
And, and it wasn't until then that I, that I actually started to what, what I realized. That there's that, that deeper wound that's there coming from my parents' divorce. Every, every time I went before to counseling was really treating, you know, a symptom then, then it was like, you know, again, this past year when I really started to see like, okay, what's the root cause of all that.
And not that, you know, like, you know, like I'm, I'm broken or, you know, I'm unworthy or, or any of these things, but it's just like, you know, where do, where does all these thoughts come, come from? Where do all these behaviors come from? And that's where I really started to see and, and recognize, Hey, that's probably coming from my parents' divorce.
And for me, that's where I've been really motivated over the past. Like that's a year and a half, you know, to really start to see like, okay, this is something that's big, it's impacting my. And, and I want to start to get, get better. I wanted to heal these things. That's beautiful, man. And no, you're already doing a lot even to help other people, which I admire so much, going back to the question of kind of what went down in your family as much as you're comfortable sharing.
I was just wondering if there was more you wanted to add to kind of that whole dynamic and everything that led up to the brokenness, uh, in your family. Yeah. One, one of the things that, um, I've spent a lot of time kind of trying to retrace, you know, like just like my family history, where did we come from?
What's our life like, and some of the things in, in really doing that, I've come to see that, you know, my parents' divorce was not new for my family. It was not something that was shocking. But in fact it was kind of the opposite. It was, it was normal. And what I mean by that is I kind of started to realize like, wow, my, my parents, and even my grandparents' generation really saw a lot of divorce within the family.
and, um, and so I, I really look at this as something that is, is pretty generational. And I think, you know, just a lot of it has just a just deal with, you know, just brokenness within it, you know, just how divorce became more and more common over times, even when it was unpopular, you know, my grandparents, you know, they had divorce in their life.
And so, you know, for, for my family, this was something that was, you know, again, something that happens over time. And so that was something that was eye opening to me, just to really see like again, you know, even more motivation for me. It's like, Hey, if, if I don't get some of this stuff fixed, like I know I don't want divorce in my life for my future family.
That's not what I want. And so if I'm going to really work to correct a lot of that, um, I have to put in the work now before, you know, I get married. And even when I get married, I know that there's gonna be stuff that's gonna come up there. And so I'm just trying to get prepared for a lot of that. Um, so that was one thing that really just like stood out to me.
Some, the things that really kind of came up was, uh, something. So, you know, I, I help out with a group called life giving wounds. Uh, it's a great ministry. And, uh, we have a chapter here in Denver and we've had a number of retreats and things like that. And one of the things that we've talked about in the retreat that was very helpful for me, uh, really eye-opening was, uh, to really see this, this wound of silence, you know, and, and that, I don't know if you guys talked about that here before, but just that wound of silence being like, not being able to talk about, um, you know, the, the things that came up from, from your parents' divorce.
Um, and so for me, really how that played out in a lot of ways was I tell people it's like, no one in my family ever told me, you can't talk about the divorce. You can't talk about what you're frustrated about or what's hurting you or things like that. No one ever said that I couldn't, but on the flip side, no one ever said that I could, you know, no one ever really said, you know, Hey, it's, it's okay to be upset.
It's okay to be angry. Right. And, and, you know, growing up with my older sister, you know, a lot of times they, you know, she was the one who was, she's a couple years older than me. She struggled with a lot more things. I think she felt a lot more of the frustrations and she expects it a lot more vocally than I did.
But for me, you know, I looked at my sister and I said like, well, everyone's getting upset because of what she's doing. Well, let's just not do that. Right. So for me, I bottle up a lot of, you know, the, the frustrations and the pains and the fears and, you know, and, and I started, you know, I look at kind of like growing up, I, I would say I started taking care of myself really emotionally when I was probably about like seven, eight years old, you know, I, I just kind of realized like, yeah, you know, my dad's, you know, as much as he was there, he's not here on a day to day basis.
I can't really talk to him. My mom, like she was, you know, she's going through divorce. That's very painful. She's working multiple jobs. And, you know, there's parts where she's not present and, you know, she really can't, you know, like, you know, take on more. I don't want to be a burden to my mom. I don't wanna put more on her plate.
So I didn't tell her, you know, anything that I was struggling with and that really, you know, hindered, you know, a growing relationship with my parents. So, you know, when it came to me having problems, I, I really struggle with bringing those problems up, even just in simple ways, like on a test in school, you know, the people I would see other kids or other students go up and talk to the teacher professor and ask 'em questions about the test.
I would look at 'em like, why are you asking questions? Because like, they give you all the information you need. Like, what is, how is this not clear enough for you? Yeah. I started having to think ahead of just like, what do they want? You know, what does the teacher want? What do my parents want. You know, and I had to start thinking, you know, multiple steps ahead, instead of being carefree, you know, I, I had become responsible, you know, I had to take care of myself in a lot of ways, you know, and then it was by the time I was like 16 years old that I, I felt like I became financially independent.
Um, where I was, I had a job, I was working, taking care of myself because in the end, you know, if I needed anything from anyone emotionally, financially, it wasn't gonna be there. And so, you know, no one was gonna be there to help you. I had to do it myself. And you know, that's not to say that my family doesn't love me or care about me.
You know, there's, there's lots of things that they've done, but, you know, coming from my, again, from my parents' divorce, I didn't feel like I could really go to anybody else when I needed help. And, and so like, those were just like some of the. Kind of big wounds that really stuck with me over time. Wow. No, there's so much there.
And you're wise you have so much incentive into this. It's so clear. I, I think what you just articulated is such a common experience. It's just feeling that you're on your own feeling that you, nobody has your back. There's no safety net. Like you just gotta figure life out because no one else is gonna figure it out for you.
Like, I've heard that so often from the people that we work with through restored. And so, um, I don't think you're alone in that, but it is sad that we kind of walk through life like that. And then, you know, in some areas I'm sure that's like a good thing that independence that we have in other areas it's really hard for, you know, for any sort of thriving, such as in relationships like that really reeks havoc in relationship that fierce independence that inability to express like your needs or when you're hurt or.
Try to asking for help. And so, um, that could be pretty devastating to our relationship. And so, so anyway, there's so much there, what you said about the cycle in your family, like the cycle repeating itself, that that's another such common trend that we've seen too. That you're right. It's it is generational on so many levels.
And I think one of the things car that, um, Motivates me is that we can, yeah, like you said, we can break that cycle. Um, it's gonna take a lot of hard work and we're probably gonna struggle more than maybe hopefully our children and their children in relationships and in marriage specifically, it's unfortunate.
I, I hate that reality, but, but I think it's true. Um, but the beauty is that you can grow and heal a lot to where, um, you can have a really good and really beautiful, uh, marriage, really good and really beautiful relationship. So, yeah. Thank you. You're hearing so many good points. I'm sure we could talk forever about this.
Uh, I am, uh, curious if there's anything else you would add about how your parents broken marriage and divorce affected you in addition to what you already shared? One of the big things that, you know, I, I look back on and, and you mentioned relationships. I, I have definitely seen how this has impacted my relationships, whether it's through just regular normal friendships or even dating.
Um, one of the, one of the things that, you know, I, I I've struggled with is just. A natural insecurity with friendships. You know, one of the things that, that I've, I've really struggled with is so, because in a lot of ways I didn't get a different types of affection, you know, from my family. Right. Um, you know, from both my parents being there, they were just so busy, working hard on other things that it just, you know, I, I didn't get a lot of attention, uh, except for when I was achieving.
And, and so, you know, looking at that, it's like, what, what can I do to get that attention? And for me, it was just like, wow, you know, Excel in school. Um, you know, I was in high school, I was in the air force JRTC program. You know, I did a lot of those things where it's like, yes, I can be the one to step up to do those things.
And when I did that and you know, someone told me good job, Hey, this is awesome. You're doing it like that was, you know, special for me. And so, you know, then, you know, even coming from that, when it comes to relationships, That same mentality comes over in a, in a really small way, which is, you know, what do I need to do for my friends in order for them to love me?
Right. It becomes very, almost, I would say contractual. You know, I have to do something in order to get something right. I have to step up and, and provide, you know, some sort of reason for them to like me rather than they just like me for, for me being me. Yeah. And so, uh, you know, there's parts where it becomes exhausting because you know, like I's like every time I, I gotta go and I gotta make sure that I'm a positive person, I am, I, I don't have problems.
You know, everything is totally fine. I have it all in order when, when it's really not. Because if anyone sees the, the bad right, then they're gonna, then I'm gonna become a burden to them. And if I'm a burden to them, they won't wanna talk with me. They want, they won't wanna be my friend. And so I can, I can never be a burden.
And, and that kind of mentality was something that, you know, it's something that I've really struggled with, you know, coming from, again, I think my parents divorce, because that's the last thing that they needed. That's the last thing that I want to do to people. Because in the end, if you're too much of a burden, they leave you.
Hmm. You know, and, and that's where, you know, one of the things I remember, um, I had, uh, I was dating a gal when I was in high school and that was the first time I, I really ever vocalized it, but I was always afraid of, you know, people leaving me. And so, um, you know, in, in that relationship, I just asked her, I said, you know, when is enough gonna be enough?
You know, when, when is it gonna be too much for you? And you're gonna leave me. And, you know, granted there's a high school relationship, but at the same time, like that's been with me for a long time because, you know, in, in all my relationships, that's, that's what I'm afraid of. You know, when am I gonna be too much for somebody?
And then they're gonna say, you know what, it's, it's done. It's over. I don't wanna, I don't wanna talk to you anymore. I don't wanna see you anymore. You know, and I have had some relationships where that has been the case, unfortunately, but I also feel like that's one of those, you know, as we call a self fulfilling prophecy, Right.
I fear it so much. I fear it so much that I make it become true. And, and that's where it's, it's really impacted a lot of the relationships that I've had. Uh, and it's, it's really just been, uh, hard to really overcome that or, or believe that it can change. Um, and, and that's always, I think the struggle there.
Yeah, man, you articulate that so, well, I remember in high school as well, again, it took me a while, just like you said to articulate it, but I felt like a gift that wasn't worth keeping and, and I feared abandonment as well. And I was just, yeah, just terrified of loving relationships altogether, but when it came to yeah.
Dating and all that, I. I could do like the surface level stuff. Like I could kind of like begin a relationship or flirt with a girl or just like do that kind of surface level stuff. But once it started going deeper, I was like, oh, I don't know what I'm doing here. Like, this is so scary. I, I really feel like I'm out of my depth.
Like, I, I can't do this. So I tur certainly experience that as well. What, what, uh, were there any other kind of struggles in your relationships that you saw come out that you would largely relate back to what happened in your family? Yeah, I, I think one of the other, uh, ones that, that really stands out to me is being able to, uh, like receive one of the things that, um, that I I've really seen is that I'm so good at serving mm-hmm , I'm so good at being there for other people.
I'm like, what do you need? What do you need? What do you need? You know? And, and, oh, you need that one thing I already have that cuz I've already been thinking about, right. I'm always prepared. You know, what are those. What are those ways that I can, you know, serve someone that's, that's always my focus, but when it comes for other people and, and really letting them in, you know, there's a lot of reservations to that, you know, kind of similar to, I don't wanna be a burden, but at the same time, even just having the experience of like someone asking you a question, right.
That that was something that was like foreign, like people hearing me out people, you know, really being interested in me, you know, I, I would say it was probably not until I was probably about, you know, 18 or 19 when, when I first really experienced that. Um, I had a really good, uh, you know, friend of mine.
Uh, her name is Sarah and long story, short, beautiful story, you know, but long story short, I ended up living with this family when, uh, Gabriel and Sarah. They were, uh, some focused missionaries on my campus and they had invited me to live with them for the year cuz you know, I, I needed some help, you know, kind of finding a place to live and they offered it to me.
But you know, I, I got, I, I was moving into their house that first day and, and I came in and Sarah just started bombarding with all these questions, you know, what is your favorite? This, what do you like, how do you like this? And, and a lot of it was just like, I don't know, you know, and, and for me it was just hard to really kind of like be able to answer some of those questions because I had never had someone ask me that or, or just, I never felt comfortable answering, like, how do you feel?
You know, how are you doing, you know, what's going on in your life? Right. I gave the answers, I had some stock answers, but when it got past the stock, you know, that's where it really became a struggle. But then even asking, you know, you know, asking for other people to kind of invest into me or, or allowing people to do that.
Um, I had a relationship, uh, I was dating Miguel and, uh, one of the, you know, we're in, in the midst of a relationship and she had just asked me, she's like, you know, how, how can I love you? You know? And, and she said like, you love me incredibly well, but like, how can I do that for you? And when she asked me that question, it was hard.
I couldn't answer it. I actually went to some other friends, Gabriel, her and Sarah and I, I asked him, I said, Hey, how do I respond to her? Like, how do I, you know, how do I tell her that, you know, some, what are things that you've seen that, that I know I'm loved? How do, how can I, you know, convey that to her?
It's a, it's a strange question when someone asks that and you don't know how to answer, you know? And, and, and that's again, where I just, I look at that because I think there's a lot of ways in, in my life that I was neglected and I didn't experience love. So I don't know. Didn't always know how to receive it.
A hundred percent, man, man, I relate so much to this and I. Think part of the reason for this. And I'm curious, what you think is that we become very good at kind of reflecting our environment. Like we become very good at kind of being chameleons, like those little, little reptiles that can change the color of their skin to blend in to their environment.
We just, yeah. We become these people pleasers. We're always kind of on the lookout, like you explained so well, you like, you were kind of looking a certainly trying to see, okay, what do, what does everyone need? Like what can I do to provide that to the point where we kind of just forget ourselves? To an unhealthy extent cause hearing that some people might think, well, that's being selfless well to an extent, but it goes beyond like a healthy realm when we're just kind of almost feel completely lost.
And we don't almost don't even know our own identity or know how to articulate our needs and our wants. And so I think you articulated that so well, but I, I think for me, at least so much at the core of that, inability to, you know, articulate my needs and my wants had to do with yeah, just like always paying attention to the needs and wants of others kind of blending in and being a people pleaser, especially towards my parents, cuz you know, we become very good.
Like I've seen this skill in so many people like us. It's like, we've become very good at just like reading a situation and quickly adapting to like fit into a group of people fit into, you know, or fill the needs of whatever people were around. A lot of times being like our family and our parents. So I'm curious if you have any thoughts on that.
Oh, totally. You know, in, in my family, we, we, you know, there, there's different, sorry. There's different groups of people. Like, you know, when, when I'm with my mom, you know, a lot of the times, and, and this was stuff that was like internalized, right? Uh, a lot of times when I'm around her, it's like I can pick up on her moods and how she's doing, you know?
And I remember, you know, my sister, she was, this was around Easter time. She was, uh, visiting and, and she has a couple of kiddos and, and we were just kind of sitting around talking and stuff like that. And I, I don't remember the context, how it came up, but my sister said something that my mom used to tell us, cuz my mom working two jobs, she, you know, she would get home.
And then, you know, we would try to talk with her or ask questions or we were just playing or something like that. And my mom would just tell us, Hey, it's quiet time. You know? And so it's just like at that point we just had to be. We just had to, you know, sit there and, and not talk or not make noise or things like that.
And that's one of those things, like, I think, you know, it's not always bad to say that, but when that became the norm, right. When mom's home and she's not in a good mood, it's quiet time. Right. And it's just like, you have to be able to start to, you know, I felt like I had to start to read those things, you know, before she said them, I gotta, I gotta beat her to the punch.
If you would, you know, in my dad's household, uh, arguing is a pastime. Right. You know, it's, how can we spin the argument? How can we, you know, we will argue so much about the littlest things. Like, you know, who's the better who's America's football team. The Broncos are the Cowboys, you know, it's the Cowboys.
My, some of my family members say, it's the Broncos they're wrong. But at the same, you know, it just like will argue about anything, but it is just, sometimes it gets in those high, 10 high, you know, tension moments where you're just like, Okay. You know, are we, you know, are we joking now? Are we angry now? You know, we have to, you know, be able to read those emotions a lot more because it can kind of turn south quickly.
It can kind of blow up pretty quickly, you know? And, and, you know, in my family, we, you know, um, we don't do very well with resolutions. And so, you know, for us, it, it's all kind of like jovial. It all has to be kind of like, you know, nice because if things go wrong, then what could really happen is, you know, someone says something, they kind of go too far on a conversation.
And then all of a sudden, you know, someone blows up and they walk away. You know, and then time goes by and then they come back, someone cracks a joke and we're back to normal. It's like, but there's still that tension there because we, we didn't reconcile. We didn't resolve anything. And so, you know, in order to, you know, avoid that, we gotta avoid things three steps ahead and say, like, we don't even want to go to those types of things because we can't, cuz it's upsetting.
Right. We can't talk about the hard topics necessarily unless someone blows up unless it gets, you know, overwhelming or something like that. Mm-hmm so it it's stuff like that where I, you know, I felt like I've had to really kind of read people a lot more. I won't say I'm the best at it, but there's a lot of intuition that comes into it where you, you, you have to be kind of on it all the time.
And uh, and that's something that's just, it's exhausting. It's exhausting. Cuz I just want to go somewhere and just be normal and just like not have to worry about that stuff. Can we just have a normal conversation, you know, it's like, that's, that's what I, I hope for. And I want, and it's, it's hard to get there sometimes.
And it is exhausting. Like that was such a good point. I like almost jumped when you said I like yes, like it, it can be really exhausting. I think that's. Part of the reason why some of us kind of shy away from our families in a lot of ways. It's like, man, like, you know, when you visit mom and you visit dad, it can be exhausting.
And it can just be like, just life sucking. Not because we don't love our parents. We do, but it's just like the patterns that have been established and the way that conversations happen and just like the, the conflict there just can, can really be, yeah, just exhausting, like you said, I don't think there's a better word for it.
Um, I, I know I've felt that at times, and I do make an effort to like stay in touch with my mom and stay in touch with my dad and to, you know, visit them and spend time with them. But, uh, but I have to admit there's sometimes that like hesitance to go that route and going to what you said too, on a related note with resolutions, um, that was rare to see growing up for me as well.
And in a lot of ways it still is, but. At least in the family scenario with my parents. But one thing I wanted to say, just give people hope is that when you build your own marriage, and this is you too, man, like that something so beautiful in your own marriage is that you can learn to resolve conflict while it's a skill and you can learn to.
And I know, you know, you've definitely learned that I know you're, you know, successful businessman. So I know you don't get to where you've gotten without navigating some conflict. And so I, that's one thing that's, I think really good and hopeful that people need to hear, especially who maybe aren't married yet.
Is that. You can actually change that dynamic in your own marriage. Like you're not doomed to repeat the cycle, the patterns of dysfunction that happen in your family. And I think one of the most beautiful things in my marriage that I've experienced is that, um, you know, I guess on a day to day level is just that we can actually resolve things.
You know, we still argue like, like there's disagreements, there's conflict there's times where it's just like, it kind of sucks to be married. It's it's like hard, you know, you're, there's some suffering involved. I won't pull any punches on that. Um, but then you can resolve it and, and that can look like, you know, in an hour or two or maybe the next day, and then the relationship can actually improve after that.
Uh, which is kind of a weird thing to say, as someone who comes from a broken family, cuz it's just like that wasn't modeled for us, but I'm living that right now. And I have to say it's extremely beautiful. So a lot of hope for everyone listening. Any final thoughts on. Relationships in particular before we move on.
Yeah. And, and actually to kind of build on kind of what you were saying there, please. I actually got like two, two stories about that. So again, kind of growing up, a lot of things were not very well resolved in my family. Like even as a kid, when my parents were kind of going through the divorce and, you know, I was living in two separate homes, you know, I just like the way that , that my mom and my dad like, would, would talk with each other was, you know, a lot of arguments on the phone.
And so, you know, it'd be, you know, this is when we started having cell phones and stuff. And so they're on the cell phone, you know, you yelling at each other and I'm sitting in the, you know, passenger seat, just like just taking all the tension in. Right. But then, you know, they would hang up and then, you know, someone would, you know, get back on line.
Oh, don't you hang up on me? You know, it just, it was always that kind of like tumultuous. That was, that was the bad example I saw. But, um, it was when I was actually living with that, that family Gabriel and Sarah one time, uh, you know, I was just getting home. Cause I was in college at the time getting home from school and you know, I was kind of in the house.
You know, Gabriel and Sarah were arguing about something. I don't know what it was. I, I can't even remember the context, but I just remember like, Ooh, okay, Hey, you know, I'm, I'm just gonna not be here. Cause I don't, you know, just, this is private, but also, you know, I just, whatever, I just kind of had those same vibes as like my parents are arguing.
Right. Let's just leave the room and not deal with it. But you know, I, I left, I was downstairs. I was working on my homework and stuff and um, you know, a few minutes later Gabriel came down, uh, and he was talking with me and he said, Hey, I just wanna let you know, like, this is what we're arguing about. This is how we resolved it.
You know, this is what we're gonna, you know, gonna be doing. And, and I just remember like, when he like told me that I was just like, okay, like, uh, weirdo, thank you very much for sharing that, you know, it's like, to me, it was just so like, why are you telling me. Right. And, and for me that's been something that I've actually held onto for, you know, so, so well, because I, I feel like that was probably one of the first times that I actually saw, you know, like a just real resolution.
Wow. You know, really seeing people come together to say like, Hey, we disagree on something. We have an argument, but we're gonna come to a place where, where we both agree on it. Right. We're gonna, you know, there's apologies that may have been had, or someone compromise and saying, Hey, I'm gonna try and do this better next time.
And, and for me, that's been, you know, like a, a really good example for, you know, how I want to be able to have my relationships, you know, even, even in a married sense, um, you know, be, I want us to actually have reconciliation and that's something for me that, you know, I, I really want to model in, in my family life.
Um, you know, in the future, when I have my family. And the other thing, you know, I just wanted to mention another really cool thing that to actually give me practice for a lot of this was, um, you know, going to sacrament of reconciliation and, and for me, confession, you know, I'm a convert to the faith. Um, I converted when I was in high school and I've had some ups and downs in my faith and, you know, there' a point in, you know, in my life where, you know, even my relationship with God, I just felt like, you know, how could God love a sinner like me?
I I'm ju I just do terrible wicked things. Like how could he love a person like me? And, and it was through some great people's help to really help me see, like, you know, through this sacrament reconciliation, we truly are forgiven. You know, I can go in there and say, you know, you know, God, these are the things that I've done.
The ways that I've sin against you. I'm sorry, please. Forgive. And, and through the priest, you know, God says, I forgive you and I absolve you ever sin. You know, and for me like that, you know, I go to, I go to confession often, cuz I'm a sin, but at the same time, it really has been helpful to give me actual practice in, in a lot of ways.
And you know, there's been some times even at work where, you know, I messed up on something or I didn't do something I was supposed to and I've actually told people say, Hey, I'm sorry, I messed that up. And it's so funny. It's so funny that the number of times that I've done that it throws people off. Wow.
That's, that's not common for people to admit that they did something. Yeah. You know, and, and that's the hard part about doing it because it's like, well, if I admit that I'm wrong, then what's gonna happen. Mm-hmm . Mm. And, and thankfully again, through seeing it in a lot of really good ways through friends or family, or even through, you know, the church it's been really helpful and giving me the confidence to.
Yeah, we can actually, you know, heal from this. We can actually recover from a lot of this. Beautiful. Yeah, no, that's um, no, it's so hopeful and it's such a better alternative to kind of the norm, right. Which leads to nowhere, but more frustration, more anger, more just layered on woundedness. If that makes sense.
It's just like deeper and deeper and yeah, it is just so sad. It's one of the saddest things. I think that I see, I mean, there's so many sad things in our world, but one of them is just like seeing people who have been so wounded, so traumatized and they become so bitter and so angry and then they become more wounded and more traumatized.
And it's just like this whole, like these layers upon layers. And it's so sad to me, that, to heal from that it's possible. I really believe. But it's gonna take a lot of work. And so I think like the approach that you're advocating for here, um, allows us to kind of like go into that woundedness and resolve some of it, at least by being, you know, admitting when we're wrong, being humble, taking ownership, offering forgiveness ourselves.
I mean, it's just so freeing and, and even, you know, seeking out people we've heard. And I know, you know, the 12 step programs do this a lot, but just like the whole making amends and I've experienced so much freedom in that. Like whether it's with friends or, you know, maybe people in the past that I've harmed in some way, like going back and saying like, Hey, I'm so sorry.
Like, this was so wrong of me to do this. Like, will you forgive me for people who maybe aren't used to, like that sort. What sounds like flower, flowery language um, that can be kind of a weird thing to do, but man, it is so freeing and it sounds like you've experienced the same. And I think that is such a better path to take.
And it ends up where we're not walking around with like, yeah, all these wounds attached to us in, in the same way that maybe someone who just be allows themselves to become bitter and angry. Uh, does. Yeah. And, and I think too, what's, what's helpful is even in some of my language that I use, you know, again, when, whenever I've done something wrong, you know, I will go to someone and I say, Hey, I did this wrong.
I, I go into it. I say my apology, I'm sorry. And then I do follow it up with, will you forgive me? Beautiful. And I, I think because, because what I've seen is usually if someone just says, Hey, I'm sorry, it leaves it open ended. Right. Did the other person receive it? Did the other person. You know, do, are they gonna forgive you?
And, and you know, a lot of times you hear, oh, it's okay. It's okay. Right. If I bump someone, oh, Hey, I'm sorry. You know, I'm, I'm gonna do that. But if, if I really, you know, do something, you know, terrible, or, or I wound somebody and I ask them, you know, I'm sorry, will you forgive me? Because then it makes it very clear, like I'm asking for forgiveness.
Hmm. Please, will you forgive me? And, and it puts the ball in their court and it's tough because, you know, usually we don't like to live in that attention. So, you know, sometimes we might say, yes, I forgive you. Right. We wanna resolve the, the issue. But, but if the other person, you know, really does take that time and say, yes, I do forgive you again.
That freedom that comes from that. And I, I really do think that that brings reconciliation. Yeah. And, and you can really see, Hey, you know, there we've resolved this thing that's between us and it doesn't have to fester there. It doesn't attention. Doesn't doesn't have to be it's it's not the elephant in the room, right?
Yeah. You know, and so that's, that's where I, I feel like even some of the language for other people, this might be natural, but for us who it's not natural for, we gotta practice and we gotta practice and we gotta get better at it. And I think using our language the way that we say things, I think that's really important part of that practice.
Hundred percent and like, say it in the mirror. if you need to, like, I, yeah, I won't go into this too much, but I just remember growing up, like my family, wasn't very expressive in a lot of ways, you know, my mom was more affectionate for sure than my dad. It's probably typical. But even with our words, like, I remember even language being somewhat limited.
That might sound kind of funny, but you know, we. Say things like, oh, thank you so much. Or there wasn't really a lot of emphasis, a lot of warmth, so to speak, um, at least in the way that I talked. And eventually when I learned like, man, that's like a really good way to treat people and I wanted to be like that.
It felt so awkward. so, uh, so yeah, maybe even for anyone out there who's feeling this or experienced that like practice in the mirror, like, start with someone who, you know, maybe it's not like that big of a deal, uh, situation where you, you maybe hurt someone, but it's something you still wanna apologize for.
That might be a little awkward, might feel weird, but as you do it more, you become better at it. And I wanted to use this opportunity, Craig, if it's okay. Like parents listening. If you recognize how difficult life has been for your children because of your broken marriage and the divorce or separation or whatever situation you're in my challenge to you is to do what Craig said, like, apologize.
I could hear people kind of objecting to this. I clarify one thing you might think, well, my spouse is really the one to blame. I get that. Like, they certainly contributed to it. No doubt, like it takes two for sure. And in some cases, you know, there there's certainly cases where like one spouse has really to blame for the things that went down in the marriage.
But at the same time, we have to admit that, um, like I said, it does take two. And so even if one spouse was like absolutely wrong in what they did or what they said or whatever, we were still a part of it at some level. And so you. Take that ownership of your piece of the pie and apologize to your children.
I have to say like, your kids might not know what to say back to that. And that's okay. But that is powerful. Like, you know, if, if you experience that from a parent, then you know, how, how powerful that could be. And just the final challenge there when you do that. Ask them, you know, Hey, will you forgive me?
And if they're not ready, that's okay. Like give 'em some space, give 'em some time, maybe, you know, follow up with them in a few months or whatever timeframe is appropriate. But, but that's my challenge to parents out there is to, to say that to your kids, to apologize for everything that's come from the brokenness within your marriage.
And by the way, by doing that, you're not like condemning yourself to this being this like horrible person who harmed them. But you're really you're I think redeeming the relationship and you. Becoming an even better parent through that. And I know the thing that parents all want is like, we wanna love our children well, and, you know, be the best parent that we can be.
Like we, most of us would take a bullet for our kids. And so this is in a way taking a bullet for your kid by doing this really hard thing of bringing up a difficult topic, apologizing and asking for forgiveness. So that's my challenge to your parents out there. I wanna change direction in the conversation a little bit, Craig, um, when it comes to healing and growing, uh, what were, what were some of the things like maybe two, three things that really helped you cope and, and heal the most?
Yeah, I, I think one, uh, one thing in particular, uh, one of the obvious things that's really helped me is counseling, uh, having a good counselor, um, to really be able. Talk about the wounds that I have in a safe place. Um, you know, that, that's one of the things with, with the trauma, like a parent's divorce, what, you know, our body response to that.
So uniquely, you know, our, our brain can com compartmentalize something and then, you know, suppress that, or, you know, you know, kind of put layers upon that. So we don't think about those things, right? Because if something becomes overwhelming for us, you know, we might not, our minds not, might not know what to do with it.
So again, it compartmentalizes and suppresses, and it does a lot of goofy things. If we never go back to those things and really, you know, help shed lights into that, you know, really show like, you're, you, you are safe. You know, you are not experiencing these traumas anymore, or things like that. Like this isn't gonna work 100% of the time, but if we're able to address those things and talk about our wounds and our trauma, uh, we're able to recover from those things, uh, a bit better.
And so true. Yeah. First thing here is just counseling. Um, I, I think that's and finding a good counselor too, because, you know, and I, I don't know this for sure, but I've heard stories of, you know, some counselors they do recommend divorce and, or they do recommend other, you know, maybe not so good habits of things to do.
Um, and so, you know, having a trusted counselor, um, that you can, you know, you know, trust that's really important. So that's, that's one thing. Another thing for me, that's really been helpful for, uh, healing was when I went on a retreat last year. Uh, and it was kind of really focused on this again, it was with that group life giving.
You know, for me, I had been looking for ways to like find healing in this particular area. And you know, that first day of retreat, you know, we started off and, you know, for me, I just felt like a, a, a wind up toy or something like that was just like, so just like tense and stuff like that. And when we started the retreat, you know, there was a gal who was playing music for us, and she comes from a household of divorce as well.
And she was playing the song. It was a, it's a really fun, cool story, but, you know, again, long story short, she was playing. And, uh, the first song that she played, she actually broke down crying because of the song, the beauty of the song. And when she started crying, I know at least for myself and many other people in the room, we all just started crying with her.
And, and for me, that was really, you know, it, it was on that retreat that I first, I felt like the first time I got permission. To feel and, and really got that permission to say like, you know, someone just telling me, Hey, you know what you experienced? It's not okay. You know, and, and anyone else who goes through this, that's one of the things that I remind them, because I hear things when I've talked to other people, oh, you know, they did this, but it's okay.
You know, and, and I, I pause and I just say, it's not okay because it's not every child deserves a good home with both a mom and a dad, you know, that's what they deserve. That's what I deserve. And I didn't get that. And that's, that's a tragedy. That's sad. Yeah. We should be upset about that. And so, you know, for, for me, really just being able to acknowledge and feel my emotions, um, was, was also in just getting that permission.
That was something that was really big for me because I, I, I really came to see like, Hey, One it's not okay. And I it's okay with not being okay. You know, for, for me, you know, being in a place where it's like, you know, I got, I got problems because of this. Yeah. You know, it's, it's not like it's gonna be like this forever.
I don't want it to be like this forever. So I, I can do stuff to change this. I can change this. So again, it just, that was one of those big things that really just opened up the flood gates for me, just to like, let it go and to really start to look for healing. And then the last thing, and the last thing I'll say here was, um, having really good examples of like relationships and like even a family life, that family that, um, that I mentioned a number of times, Gabriel and Sarah, they've just been so fantastic for me.
I, I think that I look back on a lot of where I've come and a lot of growth that I've had in my life. I really look back to that year that I got a chance to live with them. because I got to see, you know, a mom and a dad raising two and three kids, you know, they have nine kids now. It's beautiful. Wow. But, but they are in that similar mission of raising their kids.
They are building a home of safety and security. You know, I, I got a year to really stew in that and really see what it's like, you know, to have a functional family. And to me, a lot of those things that happened during that year, uh, it really planted a lot of really good seeds for me to where now, as, as time went on, you know, and, and I'm actually working in this healing, I can go back to those moments.
I can go back to those seeds that were planted and I can see the fruit that it's, it's starting to bear in my life. It TA it took me a long time, but really just being in a good, safe environment was, was so healing for me. To really just to seek that freedom, to experience it and just to work in it, you know, they, they gave me a lot and I'm always thankful for them.
Beautiful, such good points. And within those points are like great advice, like great things that anyone listening right now who feels broken, especially because of the brokenness within your family, you can do all these things and, and that's beautiful. Um, so thank you for going through that. I was curious, the musician was that Emily who sang this song.
Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. Shout out to Emily care. If you're listening right now, , uh, she, she's a beautiful woman and her and her husband are awesome. Uh, we, we're part of like a marriage group with the two of them. So, uh, yeah, they're both great. And so shout out to you guys. Thanks for mentioning that. Kirk, I'm curious with, you know, you being on this path of healing and growth and just the amount of time and effort you've put into this, um, how is your life look different now?
Like obviously it's still work in progress, of course, but I'm curious, like how, how have you changed. Yeah. Uh, I think one of the big ways that I've really changed is, and I've been, and this is the big point of change for me too in my life is to allow other people in. I, once, uh, I was the last retreat that I was on.
We had one of the speakers who was talking about the difference between transparency and vulnerability. For me, I felt like a lot of my life I've been able to be transparent. You know, I'm able to save the things that were going on, but I, I didn't allow myself to be vulnerable. I didn't allow myself to be open to emotional connection with other people.
You know, people could ask me, Hey, you know, um, you know, tell me about your parents' divorce. And I could just like ripple off all the facts and all the things that happened, but I didn't get to the point of saying like, and when this happened, this hurt me. You know, and, and having to, you know, do those kinds of things.
You know, I didn't like that when I was a kid, it stressed me out or, you know, just kind of allowing myself to, to share in the wounds that I have. You know, I kind of look at it to give an example. Uh, I always, I was related to the movie, the beauty and the beast where like the beast, you know, what does he tell bell?
You know, he says, you can go anywhere in this entire castle, except for you. Can't go to the west wind. Don't go there. And, and for me, that's, that's what I felt like when a lot of ways where it's like, people can have all parts of me, but this is the one part that you can't have. You know, whether it's relationships with friends or family, or even God, you know, you can have all this other parts of my life, but you can't have this.
Oh. And I think the biggest part that's really changed for me is I've been allowing for people to come into my life and to. Thanks essentially coming to the west wing. And, uh, and that's been one of the bigger, bigger changes, uh, for me that I've really seen in my healing, because what that has done for me is it's, it's helped me to see, I can trust other people.
Mm-hmm I can, I can rely on other people. You know, I, uh, uh, I remember one time I was just having a really rough go, I was going through a bad breakup and I called my dad on the phone and I asked him, you know, dad, could you stay the night with me at my apartment? You know, he lives about an hour away. And I was so nerve wracked to ask my dad.
And then he said, yes. And, and that was something that was so healing for me to really, you know, see, like I asked my dad for something that I needed. And he came and we spent the whole night talking, we watched movies, we got wings and all that kind of stuff, you know? Nice. And, and it wasn't, it wasn't like this super huge emotional moment in my life, but at the same time, like it was, yeah.
You know, I needed my dad. He was like, and so, you know, just over my course of my healing, I've just been able to see, I can open up to people and sometimes they'll let me down, but they also might not. And, and I give people the chance giving people the chance to rise to the occasion has been something that's been hard.
And, and I still struggle with, but at the same time, I've been able to kind of start to rewrite that because there's been a lot of cases where they have done it for me. So good, man. You're, you're inspiring to me, man. Uh, you should see all the notes I'm taking. It's great. This is great stuff. This is really good.
Flipping gears a little bit. Uh, do you hate your parents? No, okay. I always ask that and it always got to similar response. It's like, no, no, we don't hate our parents. We, we love our parents, but we can still talk about this stuff that we've been through with the hope of ultimately what I want is a better relationship with my mom and my dad.
Uh, not, not, not a worse one. And so if they were listening right now, uh, what would you want them to know? Yeah, I, I think with my dad, uh, over the past couple years, I've actually grown a lot closer with my dad, uh, and, and really been able to talk a lot about these things that I've experienced and I've felt.
Uh, and so for my dad, I would just say, you know, thank you for, uh, being heroic in, in being there for me being present. Uh, my dad, uh, I remember years ago, I was talking to my dad around right before father's day and I was trying to understand his story and I just, I was learning about him and it hit me.
When his mom and dad, my grandparents, when they divorced his dad abandoned the family. And so my dad has never had an example, you know, of a strong father figure in his life. We have my step grandfather, his name's pops, you know, we love him and he's done so many great things for our family, but my dad didn't always have that, you know, that father figure in his life.
Mm. And, you know, to see my dad do the exact opposite of what his father did, even though my parents divorced, my dad stood around, stayed around. And so for me, I just, I just say, thank you to him. Um, thank you for listening to me and really just helping me, uh, on my journey of healing. Um, so for my dad, thank you, uh, for my mom, uh, it's, it's a little tougher because, uh, I haven't spoke to my mom in over a year.
And that was actually a choice that I had made, you know, coming off of when I went on a retreat, uh, you know, the lifeing ones retreat when I was on it myself, you know, I came back from a retreat and, um, I, you know, I asked for some space for my mom because there's, I, I started to realize that there was a lot of anger that I have towards my mom.
Um, and there's a lot of healing that I need to go through with that relationship. And, and for me, I'm not. So for my mom, I would say like, I'm not taking this time to hurt you to, to punish you, but I'm just trying to take this time right now to heal. So that way I can come back and, and try and have a relationship, uh, with you.
I I'm, I'm trying, I'm working hard on it and, you know, I, I, yeah, so that's one of the things that, um, yeah, it's, it's tough, uh, tough to have. Cause like I've never really had a relationship with my mom. So, you know, if, if I can heal that. Come back and find a relationship that we can have. It's probably not gonna look the same as it used to be sure, but, but if I, if I could make it to something that I, I want it to be, that's what I'm trying for.
That makes so much sense. And, um, there's hope, man. I I've been through that, um, with my dad on occasion where, you know, I think I won a year, year and a half as well without talking to him just cuz yeah, I just didn't like the way that he was acting, didn't agree with the things he was doing and the way he was treating people.
And so, um, I explained it to him like, Hey, not, not gonna be talking to you because these things and I would, I ultimately want a relationship with you. And so I told him, you know, as soon as I see some sort of change or transformation, then uh, I wanna resume this and we did. And so, uh, you know, I wish the same for you and I hope it can improve and get better.
Um, but uh, yeah, there's nothing wrong to anyone listening too. There's nothing wrong with, uh, taking some space for yourself. Um, yeah, that can be, it might seem like a selfish thing, but it can actually be an extremely selfless thing. Um, or it can be something that is necessary to put a boundary in place, um, in order to help another person learn how to treat you well and learn how to love you.
Well, because if we put up with bad behavior, we're somewhat to blame, you know? And so there can be a lot of good. What I've learned is there, there can be a lot of good in setting those boundaries and kind of having that tough love, um, with the long view in mind that you ultimately hopefully can have that good relationship, but it takes work.
And so I, uh, wish you guys the best and count of my prayers view. Of course, if people wanna connect with you, get your advice, what's the best way for them to do. I have an Instagram account. Uh, I've been off it a little bit here, you know, over Len and Easter time. Um, but I do have my Instagram account. Um, it's, it's not a, a clever handle or anything it's, uh, Craiger or Craiger Soto.
So Craig, ER, S OTO, um, you can reach, reach me there. Um, reach out to me, feel free to message or follow and all that kind of. Um, uh, I do also have a, uh, Twitter account. Uh, it mostly is a live tweeting of stranger things season four. So just be ready for that. No spoilers, but, uh, again, you can, uh, reach out to me there, uh, as well.
Awesome. Thanks so much, man. I really appreciate your time. You're wisdom. Um, you've learned so much and you're just a wealth of, uh, knowledge information. Thanks for everything that you're doing to help people like us who come from broken families like it does. It makes a huge difference. I wanna give you the last word and, uh, just wondering, like what words of encouragement, uh, advice would you give to someone who right now is listening?
They feel broken. They feel stuck in life because of everything that's happened within their family, their parents' marriage falling apart. Um, what advice, what encouragement would you give to them? Yeah, I, I think the advice I'd give is, you know, even for the things that really, you know, help me it's, it's okay to not be okay.
Uh it's okay. To feel like everything's overwhelming. Because in a lot of ways, it is. I, I would also say that your life doesn't have to be like this and that you do have the opportunity to change it. It takes a lot of hard work, uh, and it's not gonna happen overnight. Um, you know, for me, I, I know my journey's gonna be something that's gonna probably, you know, go over a lifetime for me.
At the same time, there, there is hope for change. We have our own agency and, and we can, can make our lives the way that we envision it. Um, there's a lot of ways, uh, that I wasn't taught how to do things. Well, I don't know how to go on vacation. So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna take vacations and I'm gonna try and figure it out and be bad at it.
You know, it's, it's okay to be bad at something and, and just try and do better every single time we can make incremental changes and, and we can grow. And then the last thing, uh, I'll say, just for encouragement, I'm sure that there's, there's things that have happened in your life, where, you know, friends or even family, your parents have let you down.
Don't let that be the only control in your life. If, if you open yourself up and it doesn't go the way that you wanted to, and there's a lot of pain in her that comes from it. , that's not how everyone's gonna be. That's not how, you know, every situation's gonna be, it's not final. It's not universal. You are not broken.
You are not dysfunctional. You are not the worst. You are loved. You are deserving of love and, and you deserve the world because you're here. And, you know, I, I speak on this sense from, from the God side of things. God loves you. And he wants to give the world to you. He wants to give all of himself to you.
And, uh, sometimes we just gotta get out of his way and receive the love. He's given us
to any of you parents listening. I wanna reiterate my challenge to apologize to your children and a few tips on how to do this. If you're not ready to do it face to face, then write them a letter or send them an email. A letter is best, but an email works too. Don't expect an immediate response. Give them time to kind of chew on it to process it.
They're probably gonna be pretty shocked that you're even apologizing because this is just not the. Try not to explain a ton what happened or make any excuses or Casy blame. Like if you need to give some important details, that's fine, but you're not here to make an argument. This is not a court case.
You're here to apologize. And so instead focus on your children's experience of everything that's happened, the pain and the problems, it caused them. And that's it and apologize for whatever role you played in causing that. And I promise you in the end, it's gonna help you heal and improve your relationship with your child or with your children.
Now, if you're someone who comes from a broken family and you'd like to share your story with us, we'd love to hear it. There's three easy steps to share your story. But before I share those, some of the benefits of sharing your story are these. Reflecting on your story is actually healing on a neurobiologic level, makes your brain healthier.
Writing your story is also healing. There's been studies that have shown that people who write about emotionally significant events in their lives are less depressed. They're less anxious, they're healthier, and they're happier sharing your story with someone else too. Like us is actually additionally healing on a neurobiological level.
It makes your brain healthier and also it gives guidance. Your story gives guidance and hope to people who are struggling. So if you wanna share your story, here's how you do it. Just go to restored ministry.com/story again, restored ministry ministry, singular.com/story. And the form is gonna guide you in telling a short version of your story.
And then we'll take that and turn it into an anonymous blog article. So go ahead and share your story now@restorministry.com slash story or click on the link in the show notes. The resources mentioned during the show notes@restorministry.com slash 70. Thank you so much for listening. If this has been useful for you, feel free to subscribe.
And if you know someone who's struggling from their parents' divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with them, always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person that you were born to be.
