#068: An Underrated Tactic to Heal from Your Parents’ Divorce | Salvatore Fiorenti
If you’re from a broken family, did your parents’ separation or divorce drag out for years? That was the story of our guest today.
In this episode, you’ll hear what happened in his family and how it affected him. We also discuss:
How he learned from an early age that his needs weren’t going to be met, so he had to figure out things for himself
How our parents seem to have grown during the separation and divorce, but as their kids, we can’t help but ask the question: Why couldn’t you grow together?
An underrated healing tactic that will help you heal, grow, set better boundaries, have healthier relationships, and feel at peace
An important skill you have to learn if you want to heal, grow, and feel whole again
Buy Joey’s book: It’s Not Your Fault: A Practical Guide to Navigating the Pain & Problems from Your Parents’ Divorce (affiliate link)
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TRANSCRIPT
Transcript produced by artificial intelligence. Please pardon any errors!
If you're from a broken family, I'm curious, did your parents' separation and divorce drag out for years? That was the story of my guest. Today, as you'll hear in this episode, you also hear what happened in his family and how it affected him. In addition to that, we discussed how at an early age, he learned that his needs.
Weren't going to be met. So he had to figure things out for himself. He shares how we fell into bad habits, but after getting away from those, he then struggled with focusing so much on others and trying to rescue them that it became unhealthy too. We also talk about how our parents seemed to have grown during their separation and divorce, but as their kids were kind of torment with the question, why couldn't you just grow together?
He shares an underrated healing tactic that will help you heal, grow, set, healthy boundaries, have healthier relationships and feel at peace. We also discuss an important skill. You have to learn if you want to heal, grow and feel whole again. So keep listening.
Welcome to the ReSTOR podcast, helping you heal and grow from the trauma of your parents' divorce, separation or broken marriage. So you can feel whole again. I'm your host, Joey Pelli. Thank you so much for listening. This is. 68, as you might have heard. My new book is live on Amazon. It's titled it's not your fault, a practical guide to navigating the pain and problems from your parents' divorce.
The sad truth is that for a lot of teens and young adults who come from broken families, the most traumatic thing that they've endured is their parents' separation and divorce, but nobody shows them how to handle all the pain and all the problems that stem from their family's break down. And without that guidance.
They continue to feel alone and struggle in serious ways with emotional problems, unhealthy coping relationship struggles and so much more. And I experience these problems firsthand. It really shouldn't be this way. My book, it's not your fault is an answer to that problem. It features 33 questions and answers on the most pressing challenges faced by teen to young adults from broken families, such as after my family broke apart, I felt abandoned, unwanted and adequate, and even rejected is something wrong with me.
What's your advice for navigating the holidays and other life events? How do I avoid repeating my parents' mistakes and build a healthy marriage and so many more questions? The content is based on research, expert advice and real life stories. And after reading, it's not your fault. Teens and young adults will learn how to handle the trauma of their parents' separation or divorce, how to build healthy relationships, how to overcome emotional pained problems.
They'll learn healing tactics to help them feel whole again, they'll learn how to navigate their relationship with their parents, how to heal their relationship with God and how to make important decisions about their future. So if you wanna buy the book or even just get the first chapters for free, go to restored ministry.com/books.
Again, restored ministry.com/books, or just click the link in the show notes today. My guest today is sale fear. Entity sales parents had a drawn out divorce and are not UN speaking terms. As a student of life. He has learned to advocate for himself and reflect on personal growth challenges. Sal is currently in school for his master of social work degree and enjoys spending time with his dog.
Charlie he's creative, funny and caring. Sal has only recently started talking about how his parents failed marriage has affected him. He's interested in connecting and supporting individuals wherever they may be in the process. He wanted to give a special shout out to resort's community for which he is grateful.
So shout out to everyone in resorts, online community. And here's my conversation with Sal
Sal. It's great to have you on the showman. Thanks for making time for us. Thank you, Joey. I know we have a lot to talk about, so I wanna dive right in. Uh, how old were you when your parents separated and divorced? So my parents got separated. I wanna say maybe when I was around nine or 10 years old. And at that time I really wasn't too sure what plants my parents had in terms of their marriage.
It might have been introduced as, uh, your dad needs some time to figure things out. You know, it was unclear. and that wasn't, that wasn't the final, I guess, conversation about, about that. Uh mm-hmm so my parents, I think, tried to make it work throughout my, uh, childhood in young adult years, but most of my childhood and young adult years, my parents lived separately and my childhood home, uh, was finally sold at the start of the pandemic.
So my parents. Dragged out the separation and divorce for quite some time. And I am 30. I will be turning 32. So maybe 2019 is when you know that that last piece of the divorce was sort of finalized. Okay. No, I follow you. Wow. That that's very drawn out. So things were kind of tumultuous or at least disjointed for you for years growing up and then kind of got finalized just recently.
So this is pretty fresh for you within the last, you know, few years, at least. So I appreciate you, you coming on and sharing what, what happened between your parents that led to all. I would say a main, the main issue really was, uh, a breakdown in communication, uh, between my dad and my mom, my dad, he is very short with his, uh, responses and he, he does tend to be pretty controlling.
My mother is somebody that likes to, uh, weigh options, have conversations about things. I would just say a lot more, uh, emotionally intelligent. and, um, it just from the get go, now that I'm older and I've had relationships and I, and I know how challenging they can be as well as, as, as rewarding for them to.
Go about life and try to figure, figure things out together as a team. Uh, they're just, their communication styles were completely different. So it was, uh, it was very hard. It, it, it seemed from what I can remember, uh, that either my dad had his way or my mom had her way. And I, I just, I struggle remembering a time where, you know, maybe both of their input created some sort of result or some.
Okay. Yeah. So you, what you witness over the years, like you said, was not them minutes like this United front a team working together to, you know, make the best decisions to resolve any issues that came up, but rather kind of them living on their own, which ultimately played out in them, not living together for.
You know, periods of your childhood. So that all makes sense. How did you see all of that that happened in your family, the breakdown of your parents' marriage, the separation, the later divorce, how did you see all that affect you personally? I think the main thing that really came up for me was in, in all the craziness, uh, I learned that my needs weren't going to be met and, uh, I didn't, I didn't really advocate much for myself at that age.
Uh, I didn't go up to a teacher and say, Hey, you know, what's going on at home is pretty crazy. Mm. Or, you know, when I was at my dad's workplace, you know, I could have, I could have pulled one of his colleagues aside and, and could have asked, you know, what's he like when he is here? You know, I definitely kept a lot of stuff to myself and just really focus on a lot of other people to sort of distract, distract myself from, you know, my, my inner Turmo.
So I would say if I'm not advocating for myself, if I'm not aware for my, uh, not aware of my needs, then I probably, I know I struggled with, uh, setting boundaries with people, uh, in relationships, I would say finding the middle ground and, and compromising has been difficult for me. Mm-hmm . so, you know, those are areas that, that I'm still, uh, working on.
No, absolutely. I think it's always a work in progress, even for people who've maybe made some, um, improvements in their life. There it's always, there's this dichotomy to balance in a lot of ways. So that, that totally makes sense. I mean, I wanna go back to something you said about kind of focusing on others.
I noticed that in myself too, uh, for a lot of, you know, the aftermath of my parents' separation. I tended to kind of initially I was so hurt that I just acted out in all sorts of unhealthy ways. Like by getting sucked into pornography, you know, getting, being super angry, having a lot of emotional problems and, and other ways of acting out.
But in time, I was able to kinda, you know, put that in the past that stuff in the past, which was really freeing. Uh, but then I kind of fell into this being a rescuer and trying to, instead of maybe dealing with my own pain and my own needs, I kind of just shoved them down. And I decided to focus on what I thought was loving other people, which in a lot of ways, looked like.
Solving their problems filling their needs. Um, which I think the desire was good, just the way I went about it often. Wasn't the healthiest. And so I'm curious how that played out in your life, cuz obviously, you know, you're becoming a social worker now you're dedicating your life to helping people, which is such a good and beautiful thing.
But as we've talked separately, there's a balancer. Of course. So I'm curious, kind of yeah. How that played out in terms of being a fixer, being a rescuer in terms of maybe distracting you from, uh, the pain that you were dealing. Sure. Uh, well, I just also wanna say Joey, you know, thank you so much for, uh, everything that you do and, uh, you know, really prefacing this question by being transparent and, you know, talking about how you've struggled.
So of course ma'am yes, I, I I've definitely, uh, can relate to so much of what you're saying. Uh, for me, impulse, uh, in my younger years, you know, led me down many of those paths as. And, uh, yes, I mean, I am pursuing social work. Uh, I do work with people that are vulnerable and are working on themselves and there is, there is this reward that I, that I get from it, uh, I think over the years and I probably will continue working on this.
It seems like it's a lifelong journey is I think the more accepting that I am of myself. The less need, I will feel to rescue someone else. Uh, we were talking just before we started the conversation about being a compassionate presence. So, you know, I'm, I'm getting all of this training, uh, but what good is it?
If I can't meet people where they are, I don't wanna start projecting my insecurities on them. You know, I, I can be there for them. Uh, I could show them that I care and that I'm interested in their story. More or less guide them through their journey. Yeah. Not so much about giving them answers or celebrating this epiphany moment.
They may have. It's probably more, it's more or less about setting up guardrails and letting them letting them. Choose a direction how they wanna move in. Okay. No, that makes so much sense. And something you said really struck me about how becoming more accepting of yourself would give you the ability. I I'm paraphrasing here of setting those boundaries properly and not projecting your own needs and your own, um, struggles onto the people that you're serving.
Um, that really struck me as powerful. I, I'm just curious for everyone listening. Who's, you know, learning from you like I am right now. What, um, Yeah. Would, would you maybe elaborate that a little bit? Like to, to a lot of people listening here, here's where I'm coming from with this, it might, they might not make the connection of what you just said.
Like they might not understand, like why is accepting yourself with all your imperfections, all your struggles and all the good things about you too. Why is acceptance key for, you know, setting good boundaries and having healthy relationships? Of course. I mean, I can wake up, you know, tomorrow morning and I refer to him as the, uh, as my monster, the voice on my shoulder, the, uh, self doubt.
And first thing, when I wake up in the morning, that voice can say, you know what, Sal, you don't have this or Sal, you don't run as fast, or as far as you used to. And, you know, I listen to that voice or I give that monster some head space, you know, for. A minute. It doesn't even have to be a minute. And the next thing you know, the whole day can be.
I'm not good enough. What do I need? What do I need to achieve? How can I impress people? How can I be lights as opposed to this is who I am. I can have goals and work towards them, but in the present moment, I'm complete. Mm. And it's just, it's just a total different, it's just, it, it's a, it's a, it's a different mindset and I'm, and I've been struggling with it.
I'll be ruthlessly honest because you know, one week of work, that's a little tough. I. You know, maybe friends, you know, canceling plans, things start to happen. Maybe you get a parking ticket. And then, you know, all of a sudden you're like, you know what, all these things are going wrong. Right? It's like the, uh, the drop of ink that clouds up the whole fish tank.
And then, you know, it, it's just, it's a cycle. You don't, you don't get enough rest. You wake up in the morning and the cycle starts all over again. You know, I'm tired. And if I just have this one thing, then I'll feel better. Wow. As opposed to, you know, working on just really accepting, accepting what you have, um, knowing that we are complete and we are love for who we are.
It's hard, man. I, I, I, it is. I know, I don't, I know I don't have a, a great understanding of it because. I mean, no one, no one is inside my head or, you know, watching me from the curb and saying, oh, Sal just had, you know, this self doubt, you know, mm-hmm let me, let me pull him aside and give him a quick pep talk.
You know, you have to know, you have to know how much space you're giving to that monster throughout the day. And it doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to be this cynical voice. It's not, it's not extreme. It can be very subtle. Yeah. Wow. No, this is so good. You you're nailing on so many points. I think we all need to hear cuz I, I, you know, I deal with that too, where I think we all have these different versions of ourself within us.
Right. And we wanna think that we're just the best version of ourself. Right. Um, but. often we're tempted like that monster, like you said, tempts us to think that no, we're actually that lesser version of ourself. We're that worse version of ourself. But I, I think what you're saying, what I hear you saying is that the there's so much freedom in coming to the realization and acceptance to where even where you like, feel it in your bones.
It's like, you're both. You're the best version of yourself. And you're the worst version of yourself that that's all you. And if you stop trying to, you know, maybe shame that worst version of yourself and pretend that you're only that best version of yourself, um, at least what I've found in my life, there's so much peace.
There's more freedom I'm able to have, like you said, healthy relationships, I'm able to avoid bad habits and. Better habits, healthier habits and on and on and on. And so I, I think this can't be, it seems like it's such a subtle thing. Like, uh, it sounds kind of corny, honestly, when we talk about like accepting yourself to someone who maybe hasn't, you know, been around this sort of, um, Conversation before mm-hmm , but it's so, so key.
And, uh, again, it's something that, that I'm, uh, you know, trying to get better at too. And again, when I've noticed, when I do, when I just have this kind of kindness towards myself, when I just can say, okay, I am the way I am, I, I wanna improve and grow, but I'm not gonna shame myself and, you know, make myself feel horrible for.
You know, struggling in the ways that I have. Again, I'm always trying to improve and overcome my weaknesses, but, but there is that level of acceptance as like, Hey, I am the way I am here. I am right now, I will grow, but I'm not gonna be, I'm not gonna grow by telling myself I'm so horrible. That's just gonna prevent me from growing.
Right. I think, I think some of the best mentors I've had throughout the course of my life would remind me, or encourage me to strive for the best, but know that. Accepting what I have and what I've accomplished and just who I am in the present moment would be the first step on that journey. So good. You made me think of a book.
I haven't read it. Uh, perhaps you have, I think the title was you're not enough and that's okay. And, uh, and I, I think something powerful about that, and that goes to the point that we're talking about right now, how, you know, we, we don't need to be perfect in order to be kind to ourselves to accept ourselves, to even live ourselves, so to speak.
Um, we, we can do that right now where we're at so good. I wanted to shift gears a little bit and talk about your relationships. So in your dating relationships, I'm just curious how you've perhaps struggled and especially struggled in relation to the breakdown of your family, of your parents' marriage.
Um, what, what issues have you seen there? Well, I would say that I probably put a very big emphasis on just being in a relationship and showing to the world. That I can do it, that I can make it work. And, uh, throughout, throughout my life, it's kind of looked, it's kind of looked different, you know, maybe, maybe one girlfriend was very pretty.
Maybe another girlfriend was at the top of her field. And I, I would say that I would say that most people, if not all, would want to be proud, you know, be having a partner that. That, um, adds, adds to their life. Right? Sure. But for me, it kind of, it kind of felt like it kind of felt like, I don't know, like a saving grace and I would say that even, even from my, uh, you know, when my parents, when they par, when they got separated, Maybe even before then, you know, I, I remember going on walks, maybe they had a fight or something like that.
And I would just kind of just kind of tune out in my, in my head and think, oh, well, one day I will I'll have my own family and everything will be fine. Mm. So definitely I definitely would identify as a hopeless, romantic, and I would say dating, dating now. It all, it all goes back to what we were talking about.
Maybe a couple minutes ago about. Accepting accepting myself and finding someone that is really going to add to my life. And if it's someone that I'm trying to rescue, it's probably gonna be a slippery slope. So it's about someone that someone that's gonna make my life better as opposed to making my life worse.
And it's, it's been, it's been a journey. I've been meeting a lot of wonderful people, a lot of interesting people. I've had a couple of knee jerk reactions throughout the years dating. So I know, you know, what I certainly want to avoid, but it's, it's definitely been a while since I've, since I, you know, could call someone my partner, my girlfriend, and, uh, I'm working on it, you know, definitely a work in progress.
Yeah, no, it, it sounds like you wanna partner, not a project. I think so often we fall into looking for a project. Um, like you mentioned, there's numerous reasons maybe for that, that, that makes sense. Do you want someone who's gonna be able to love you and not just. Have maybe a one way relationship. I know a lot of my relationships that even friendships that were turned unhealthy, um, seemed so one sided where I was like giving, giving, giving, but never like receiving, never kind of being loved in return, so to speak.
And not because my friends were evil or malicious, that's not what I'm saying, but just because of the dynamic of the relationship where I was maybe trying to help them or fix them or rescue them. And what ended up happening was. It just became unhealthy and then we got close and then I would pull away because I realized how unhealthy it would become.
And then that caused maybe even more hurt than the original hurt that I was trying to help them deal with. right. So just messy situation. But, um, that, that makes sense. What you're looking for now. And I, I totally get the struggle of, of actually finding it in terms of you being a hopeless romantic. I think that might just be due to the fact that you're Italian.
Because I can I can relate to that one. but no, no kidding. Kidding aside. I'm I, I totally get that. Uh, you know, you wanted something better and perhaps it feels out of reach, even if at one point in time you were thinking like, oh yeah, I'll I'll have a, a better family, a better marriage. Yeah. What were, um, yeah.
Could please, if you had anything to add to that, I'd love to hear. Yeah. It, it, you know, I don't know, I guess, I guess, uh, I don't really remember, you know, in health class or, you know, even in high school, any sort of talk about healthy relationships or, or, uh, you know, what is there to gain from being in a healthy marriage?
What is, what can life look like? Or what is. I guess what could be expected of, you know, a man or a woman in, in a marriage. And I think it would be better to kind of get that, get that in school, as opposed to, you know, flipping through a magazine and seeing pictures of, you know, a Playboy, you know, with girls under his shoulders or, you know, go into the movies and you see.
I don't know, American pie. And you, you think that's what college is gonna be like? Yeah. So, so I would say, you know, it's, it, it's hard being a hopeless romantic, and then maybe being exposed to some of the extreme situations. And not knowing, not knowing what that, I don't know. I don't want to make, I don't wanna say there's a middle ground between, uh, like monogamy and American pie.
uh, but it what I'm trying to say is there there's so much that we we're, there's so many questions that we're really just trying to figure out for ourselves and it, it does take a. Yeah, no, it's a great point. And I know I kind of went back and forth between this, these two extremes. And we've noticed this with a lot of people through this nonprofit, through this podcast, even alone, where on one hand, we just have such a hope for something so much better, almost for like a perfect ideal relationship and marriage.
And then in the opposite hand, we just have this complete doubt, uh, at. Part of ourselves. That's just like, that is not possible. That's not gonna happen. At least not for me. And I dealt with both of those and there's, you know, struggles that come along with each. Um, so, so I totally get what you're saying and even, yeah.
Understanding, seeing beautiful examples of good marriages and how it makes life better. That it's few and far between. I think that we, we see that you're absolutely right. And it's sad because. What I've experienced in marriage now is certainly, there are hard times. I don't wanna glamorize it. I think some people glamorize marriage way too much, but, um, what I've seen is, you know, if you work at it, There's good and bad that comes with it.
But if you work at it, the good does outweigh the bad and there's some such beautiful, you know, seasons and parts of marriage that, um, just make life really beautiful, really joyful brings so much happiness and freedom. And it's hard to explain that until. I, if someone would've went back in time, if you know, someone explained that to me, when I was like, I dunno, 15 or 18 even.
Um, I don't know if I would've been able to quite understand what they were talking about, but I think you're right. We do need to see those beautiful examples and really answer that question. Like what is to gain from a healthy marriage, right? Wanna shift gears to, uh, healing and, and coping. Uh, what were a few things, maybe two or three things that helped you cope in healthy ways and find some healing.
Sure. I would say exercise, uh, when I was younger, uh, I was a big runner and, uh, since I've mellowed out and I don't, I don't necessarily carry that same amount of anger. Um, I haven't been running as much as I would like to, but I mean, I could probably say running running really helped me out when times were difficult.
Music. Uh, I love electronic dance music. It just kind of, you know, it's just, it's just, I, it brings me to the special place. It's just very upbeat. Yeah. It's just, I don't know. I've always, I've always enjoyed EDM. Uh, I would probably say, uh, Aviche is one of my, one of my favorites and therapy. I mean, I'm pursuing, uh, social work.
I've been in therapy for many years. I've done group therapy. So just a desire to understand myself better. Mm-hmm , uh, to cultivate empathy, accept myself and, and work towards, you know, just a, a, a life full of purpose, a life worth, uh, living as. Uh, Marsha Linehan would call it the creator of D B T. Love it.
No, that's amazing. And I've found those, all those things helpful as well. And it's always kind of baffled me about music. Like why is music so helpful? And I think there's a lot to it. Two, two of the things we had some, uh, two, uh, married, couple, uh, husband and wife, uh, duo, who are artists? Come on the podcast.
I forget the, um, exact episode when they came on, but it was cool. We, but I asked them like, why, why is music so helpful in helping us like, not feel alone and helping us kind of deal with the pain in our lives. And there were like two things that they mentioned. One was that it helps us kind of put difficult experiences and emotions into words often.
Like certain songs can, can do that. And then two, it helps us not feel alone, cuz it's like, okay, there's at least this person who's singing the song, the person perhaps who wrote the song as well, who obviously have a deep understanding of this. So they probably have gone through this themselves. Um, so that's, uh, can helps us not feel alone as well, which I, I thought was.
Right, right. I would say for me, you know, if someone were to ask me, how do you feel right now? I would say, well, I don't know, but how about listening to this song? And you know, this, we could talk about it. Like this song means something to me. Uh, if you have a listen, we could talk about it. You could let me know how you feel.
Maybe you don't even like this song, but it could be, it could be have, it could be a conversation worth having. Yeah, no. So good. Yeah. That honestly still is a go-to coping mechanism for me. Like, just like you said, of listening to certain artists, certain music that, um, perhaps expresses in towards, and even lyric or not just lyrically, but even musically what I'm experiencing, what I'm feeling better than I could perhaps do on my own, which is really helpful.
So, so good. Lots of good tips, uh, in this whole interview from you. I do wanna ask. So now. You know, you've been working on yourself, trying to heal, especially as someone who's helping other people, you accurately know that you need to work on yourself first, which is awesome. There's sadly, a lot of people, at least that I've known who go into, um, the helping professions, whether it's medicine or, you know, psychology, and they maybe neglect working on their.
And so I think it's so powerful that you are someone who's going down that path and who's actively working on yourself. So the question is this, like, you're obviously still working on stuff we all are, but I'm curious, how is your life different? How is it better now that you've healed and you've grown some, I think I've just become more trusting of others.
The, the more transparent I am. And the more people I get to know, and, and I get to hear some stories and see where people have come from. And it just, it just always gives me, it always gives me a perspective, a time, a time that really helped me was when I was working as a preschool teacher's assistant, my mind just felt saturated with all of these master's level courses and assignments.
And I'm working towards this degree. Is it gonna make me happy? Is it. Be fulfilling. And then I'm seeing kids just playing and making new friends and things just seemed so simple and pure. And I was just like, wow, like this is, this was really, it was really helpful. Uh, cuz it gave me some perspective. Hmm.
So I think, I think the healing can come when you, when you're not expecting it. And I think it's also a grind. So, you know, being in therapy. Trying to just dig deeper and, and build upon my last sessions, spending the time to think about, uh, what I wanna work on and just, just be open about the therapeutic relationship itself.
It's kind of weird, you know, it's kind of weird sometimes to talk about. If I've had experiences where I was definitely attracted to the female therapist, you know, I don't know. I don't know what the conversation would've been like, but it probably, it would've been challenging for me to have said, Hey, like, you know, the past three sessions, I haven't really been, uh, able to dig deep, you know, and, and kind of talk about the, the vulnerable stuff, because I'm kind of attracted to you or whatever.
You know, and on the other end, too, like, guys can be guys can be trustworthy. So it's, you know, sometimes having a male therapist, I'm like, man, this guy, you know, maybe he doesn't give it about me, you know? So, but then you, you, you, you work on the relationship and you, you, you talk about it. And, uh, and that's, that's been a, that's been a growing point for me too.
Cause uh, quick story. I was reading this, uh, I was reading this, uh, relationship book. Uh, I don't remember the name of the author, but she, she had a lot of Western ideas when it came to dating and relationships and she probably, she's probably a relationship coach or therapist. And she she's told, she's told about some goo guru in India that has foolproof relationship advice, and that she has to make this trip to India and find this guru.
Hmm. So she makes all of the arrangements and she flies to India. She meets the guru. And, um, she leans in to, to hear the guru, give the relationship advice, and she's, she had to take off from work. She flies thousands of miles and the guru just whispers in her ear. Thank you. And this relationship expert is like, what do you mean?
Thank you. And the guru said, that's my, that's my advice. That's what you, that's what you would wanna say to your partner is thank. . And when I read that, I was like, wow, like, you know, that's, that's so simple, but you know, how come I don't do it? You know, how come I don't mm-hmm how come I don't say, you know, thank you to the people that I'm closest to for just being a part of my life or for talking to me, or for sending me that text message, you know, it's easier for me to.
Well, you know what, every time they come over, I treat them to dinner or whatever it is, or the drinks are on me, you know? Sure. And as opposed to, as opposed to starting with the, the thank you and just appreciating, appreciating them for, for the positive impact, I would say that. That the people in my close circle have on me.
Wow. So many good things. The one thing I wanted to go back to, in addition to what you just said was how guys can be trustworthy. I think a lot of us struggle with that, cuz for so many of us. Maybe our dads didn't live up to what we had hoped for live up to what they really should have been. And that can cause us to feel like, yeah, like men are in trustworthy know I've dealt with that too.
So yeah. Being around men like yourself, who, who are good and who are trustworthy, has been really healing and helpful for me too. Uh, about that skill of, uh, really opening up, I guess, uh, it, some people, especially, I think men fall into thinking that's like some sort of weakness to be. Maybe emotional or to talk from like the level of your heart, as opposed to just your mind.
Mm-hmm I grew up in a family where things weren't very emotional. Um, and so kind of expressing feelings wasn't necessarily a normal. And honestly, I had to learn. So like I had to learn how to do that. Like, it was actually a skill, it sounds maybe dumb to some people listening right now, but I literally had to learn like, how do I say something and not just such a cut and dry, like intellectual way, but how do I share what I'm feeling, share something from like the level of my heart.
And like, how do I do that? It literally was something I had to learn. And then as I did it more and more, it became more natural. But man doing that initially was so awkward it was just like, I, I, I didn't know how to do it. And uh, and I think that's something that if you're not there, those of you listening right now, if that's something you struggle with, like I get it.
Um, but I would challenge you there and try. You know, just like Sal saying here, just like the story of the relationship guru who went to, or, or Oxford who went to that guru in India, um, you know, opening up more and just sharing deeper parts of your heart, as opposed to keeping things on the surface or keeping things, just intellectual level, kind of from your head instead of from your heart.
I would say Joey, I think that's great. Um, I, you know, and it's also, you can, you can bond, uh, with people over that, that journey. So I came from a family where let's all be angry at the same thing. And, and maybe that's how we can, we can bond, right? Mm-hmm . But if you surround yourself with people that are supportive and emotionally intelligent and are flexible and are open minded and are looking for answers ultimately for, you know, on their journey.
It's like, Hey, like I'm on a journey. Hey, you're on a journey too. Like traveler recognize as traveler, you know? Yeah. We can be supportive towards one another. So it is, we don't have to do it all alone. Mm-hmm so good, man. This has been such a great interview. I did wanna ask if, uh, if, if you could sit down with your parents, like, let's say your parents were listening right now, what would you want them to know?
What would I want them to know? Hmm. I guess, you know, I guess. I know they've grown so much, uh, being apart from one another mm-hmm , but I think every, I would say every kid who has parents that are divorced wishes, that wishes that they could have made things work. So, yeah. You know, so maybe, maybe some, you know, Hey Sal, you know, we can't do that for you.
And we're really sorry. But yeah, there's always that there's always that why can't, why can't, you know, why can't mom and dad be together. Right. You know? Yeah. I think every, everyone needs, everyone needs, you know, two parents. Yeah. It's just, it's just that simple. Yeah. No it is. And that makes so much sense.
And I, I too have seen my parents grow on their own and in some ways their lives have become better, um, E even apart. And, uh, yeah, for me, my, my feeling, and I know my siblings feel similarly is like, why couldn't you guys just do that together? And, uh, and it is sad and I really wish that, you know, it didn't break apart the way it had.
Um, so, so now I'm right there with you. Um, really appreciate you opening up and sharing so much. If people wanna connect with you, how can they do that? We will, uh, link my email, I guess, to the podcast. That's cool. . Yeah, absolutely. That'll be great. So guys, we'll throw that in the show notes. If you wanna reach out to Sal, you can, um, email him and he'd be happy to, to hear from you and Sal.
I wanna give you the last word. Um, but before I do again, thank you so much for your vulnerability, uh, for just your articulateness. It's everything you've said has just been so good and so helpful. Um, and so while you're sharing your own story, I think there's so many lessons baked into this conversation, which a lot of people, thousands of people for years to come are gonna learn from you.
So thank you so much for being willing to come on for opening up and for sharing your great advice in, uh, in closing. Just what words of encouragement, what advice would you give to someone who feels broken? And who feels stuck in life, uh, because of their broken family, because of the breakdown of their parents' marriage, what encouragement and advice would you give to them?
I mean, it's, it's possible. It's possible right now. There's, you know, a teen sitting on the curb lost in thought, you know, his parents are fighting and he, or she asking themselves, you know, what the hell does this mean? Um, what's gonna happen. What's my life gonna look like all those, all those questions.
and, you know, I still, I still kinda have that self talk, uh, but it's a lot different now. So we're all at different stages, but there's so much that we have in common with the person that is, you know, like I said, sitting on the curb right now. Uh, so I think, you know, what I would want for everyone to, you know, take away from this is.
You know, Joey, I was, you know, telling you, Hey man, I was to do this interview and I needed, I needed more time. And you were like, you're gonna do just fine. Uh, it's really helpful to, to talk with someone, to get those thoughts out there and to just be a human being, you know, to understand that everyone wants to be happy.
And if I can share and be as real as I can be, and someone reaches out to me and. You know what I wanna, I wanna do an interview myself or, or even challenges me or, or offers any sort of criticism. I know that I'm open to it and it's, it's, it's just, I think it's, this is such a, this is such an area for, for growth and for clarity, uh, because maybe that kid on the curb.
Loss in chaos and he may, he, or she may feel like the clarity is never gonna come, but know that it will. So I am also still looking for, you know, for my answers and, and I hope that I can help. And, and I do hope that people can be of help to me. So, Joey, thank you so much for everything that you do for us,
a question for you to reflect. What would it take for you to accept yourself as you are? And to be clear, I'm not condoning apathy. I'm not condoning continuing bad habits, but like you heard us discuss being brutally honest and accepting yourself where you are in life is an essential step to heal and grow into the better person that you wanna be.
So what would it take for you to accept yourself as you are? And that's my challenge work on that next time you wanna beat yourself up for your struggles? Just say to yourself, this is where I'm at right now. And make sure to give yourself some grace, just like you would with a friend who was struggling.
If you'd like to share your story with us, we'd love to hear it. There's three easy steps to do that. But first, some of the benefits of sharing your story, reflecting on your story is actually healing on a neurobiologic level. Further writing your story is healing studies have shown that people who write about emotionally significant events in their lives are less depressed, less anxious.
They're healthier. And they're HAPPI. Additionally, sharing your story with someone else is healing on a neuro biological level as well. And it also gives guidance and hope to people who are struggling, because what we do is we take your story and then we put it on our blog in an anonymous format. So if you wanna share your story, here's how you do it.
Just go to restored ministry. Dot com slash story. The form will guide you in telling a, a short version of your story. It takes a little bit of time, but not long. And then we'll turn it into an anonymous blog article like I mentioned. So if you wanna share your story, just go to restored ministry.com/story, or click the link in the show notes.
The resources mentioned during the show notes@restoredministry.com slash 68, and that includes sales email address. If you wanna get in touch with. Thank you so much for listening. And this has been useful. Feel free to subscribe. And if you know someone who's struggling from their parent's divorce or broken marriage, share this podcast with.
Always remember you are not alone. We're here to help you feel whole again and become the person that you were born to be.
